Moe Howard
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Quotes for
Moe Howard (Character)
from Pop Goes the Easel (1935)

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The Three Stooges Go Around the World in a Daze (1963)
[Larry comes in with a waterlogged newspaper and hands it to Moe]
Larry: They left it in the swimming pool today.
Moe: Oh, I see. The tadpole edition.
Larry: Yeah, the tadpole edi...
[Moe whaps Larry with the paper]
Moe: That's for now. Remind me to kill you later.

Larry: I had the brains to steal this from the Duke's palace next door.
[pulls fresh newspaper from coat]
Larry: You thought I was stupid, didn't ya?
Moe: Now I'm sure of it.

Phileas Fogg III: Moe, about how long would you say I've been having kippers for breakfast?
Moe: Man and boy, I'd say we've been eating our kippers every day for, it must be 11 years, sir.
Phileas Fogg III: Time for a change. Starting tomorrow, I'd like sausages.
Moe: Oh, those ugly little brown - SAUSAGES?

[Curly-Joe opens door just as Moe is coming through; there is a spectacular crash of breakfast dishes and cutlery]
Curly-Joe: I'm sorry, Moe. The door swung and all the dishes broke.
Moe: Well, don't distress yourself, lad. You didn't break everything.
Curly-Joe: I didn't?
Moe: [Holds up an intact plate] Here's one you missed.
Curly-Joe: Hey!
[Moe breaks it over his head]

[the Three Stooges are trying to convince Phileas to take them with him]
Moe: Who's going to lay out your day togs for daywear?
Moe: And your night togs for nightmares?

Larry: Oh, boy! We're going around the world on our wits!
Moe: With your wits, you won't get past the front door.

[Amelia is using the back of a frying pan as a mirror while Phileas plots their course]
Phileas Fogg III: Now, owing to monsoons at this time of year, we may have trouble getting across this bridge. It could be completely under water.
Curly-Joe: Don't worry, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Moe: [chuckling] Pardon me, may I have the mirror?
Amelia Carter: Why, certainly.
Moe: You know, a sharp crack deserves a sharp answer.
Curly-Joe: Yeah.
[Moe whaps Curly-Joe with pan]

[tootling on horn to entice a snake out of its jar]
Larry: [frustrated] He don't like my music.
Moe: He's not supposed to like it. He's gotta hate it. Then he comes out, sees you, goes out of his mind, and while he's out, I clobber him.

Moe: We are official bodyguards. Also double as man Friday.
Larry: And Saturday.

Moe: His pistol record is
Moe: shots out of a possible 300.
Curly-Joe: That's without bullets.

Moe: The rajah says that he will, without the aid of a telescope, shoot a raisin from the top of this gentleman's head.
Larry: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Shoot *what* raisin from *which* gentleman's head?
Moe: Oh, pardon me for calling you a gentleman, sir.

Moe: The rajah says that at this time he will throw the razor-edged daggers at random.
Larry: Random? Get him up here. Hey, Randy, come on.
Moe: [glowering at Larry] Pardon me, Mister Random.

Larry: You don't think I'm going to let that blind bat throw knives at me, do you?
Moe: Blind bat? Why, he can see better than you can and I can prove it.
Larry: Well, you better prove it.
[picks up large round tray and holds it up to Curly-Joe's eyes]
Moe: Maha.
Curly-Joe: [peers in opposite direction] Aha?
Moe: Rajah!
[Curly-Joe turns around and stares closely at tray]
Moe: What is this?
Curly-Joe: Half a dollar.
Larry: You're right. I thought it was a dime.

[Curly-Joe's thrown knife grazes Larry's fake mustache]
Moe: Missed that.
Curly-Joe: Missed that? Impossible!
Larry: Missed that? What is he aiming at?
Moe: You'll find out.

[Guards are roughing up Curly-Joe]
Moe: Wait a minute. You're gonna hit a man with glasses?
Curly-Joe: [gratefully, as guards pause] Yeah!
Moe: [takes away glasses] Go ahead!

Moe: If you keep on trying, you'll always have a chance.
Larry: Yeah, and we'll starve to death in the meantime.

[Everyone is under arrest for stowing away in the back of a truck]
Moe: Four days directly to New York. And here we are, thanks to you.
Larry: You don't have to thank me.

[after a prolonged fight in the dark where everyone keeps hitting the wrong people before finally knocking out the bad guys]
Moe: I knew you'd get the right ones if you kept on swinging.

Moe: [in re Itchi Kitchi] That's not a man! That's a committee!

The Three Stooges (2012)
Moe: Hey, onion-head, go on back to the shed and grab the chainsaw.
Curly: Why doesn't Larry go?
Moe: 'Cause he's got a headache.
Larry: No, I don't.
[Moe bonks Larry on the head with a hammer]
Moe: How about now?
Larry: [holding his head] Yeah, it's coming on.

Moe: Mind your P's and Q's.
Curly: Don't forget to dot the I's.
Moe: Certainly.
[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]

Moe: Hiya, Snook. I got you a present.
Snooki: Really?
Moe: Yeah. Go on, open it.
[Snooki opens the box and Moe pokes her in the eye]
Snooki: Ow!

Moe: What is that gadget?
Teddy: This is an iPhone.
Curly: An eye phone?
[Curly takes the phone and holds it up to his eye]
Curly: Hello? Hello?
[Curly hands the phone back]
Curly: There's nobody there.

Curly: Shame on you, Moe, you let your pride ruin everything for us and them kids.
Moe: How dare you accuse me of having pride?

Larry: $830,000. First taker gets a three-man working machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks.
Moe: That's right. No job is too small. We'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes.
Curly: We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. Nyuk nyuk.
[Moe slaps Curly]
Moe: What's the matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print.

Murph: Who won the poker game last night?
Moe: Eh, Peezer wiped us out.
Murph: Peezer? But he's 7.
Larry: Yeah but he wears those dark sunglasses, so you can't tell what he's thinking.

Moe: [points at Snooki's Guinness beer hat] Just because it says genius on her hat doesn't mean she is one.

Larry: Hey, quit horsing around you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.
Curly: Oh, boy donuts! Where's mine?
Moe: They're small. Why don't you have two?
Curly: Okay.
[Moe sticks donuts in Curly's ears]
Curly: Oh, now look what you did, Moe! You got donut stuck in my ears!
Larry: Hey, look, you're in luck. They got a donut remover right here.
Moe: What's a donut remover?
Larry: It's one of these.
[reads the sign on the bell]
Larry: "Do-nut remove-uh."

Curly: Oh, boy. Fosters. That's Australian for beer.
Moe: Would you like that in a bottle or a mug?
Curly: I'll take it in a mug.
Moe: You got it.
[Moe slaps him]

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. The pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly: I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma toes.
[Curly and Larry laugh]
Moe: [mock laughing] Oh, coma toes, huh?
Curly: Yeah.
[Moe stomps on Curly's foot]
Moe: Are they awake now?

Ronnie: What are you, crazy? That's assault!
Moe: Heres your pepper. Shut up.
[Moe slaps him]
The Situation: My man!
Ronnie: Who asked ya, muscle-head?
[Moe pokes him in the head]
JWoww: Moe! You can't just go around hitting people.
Moe: No? Well, can I do this?
[Moe plucks out her nose hair]
Moe: Hmm, rare bouquet.

Moe: What are you grubworms doing?
Curly: Getting seconds on lobster.
Moe: Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach.
Curly: I dipped it in pesto-bismol.
Moe: Oh, you like dipping, eh?
Curly: Yeah.
Moe: Come here.
[Moe dips Curly's head into the water, he pulls him out with a lobster attached to his face]
Larry: Hey, look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!
Moe: What did I tell you about puns?
[Moe stuffs the lobster down Larry's pants]

Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
[Curly passes gas, everybody groans in disgust]
Curly: I'm sorry. I guess the pesto-bismol didn't work with the lobster.
Moe: Did you eat the shells again?
Curly: I don't know! It was on the plate, and then it wasn't.

Carbunkle: You blithering idiots! What do you think you're doing?
Moe: Out of the way, 3PO, we got to get Teddy.
Carbunkle: This is an invitation-only party!
[points the way out for them]
Carbunkle: Now, good day!

Curly: Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Fellas, do something!
Larry: [nervously] Moe, Moe!
Moe: What's the matter with y...
Curly: Call 411
Moe: [to Larry] Quick, help me grab sister M and M before chowderhead crushes her!
[bonks to a water retainer, Curly falls on top of her, Mary-Mengele groans]
Moe: [to Curly] You, help out.
[to Larry]
Moe: You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.
[metal from the bell hits Mary-Mengele thru the bucket]
Larry: See? I told you there's too much iron in the water.
Moe: Speak to me, sis. Say a few parables!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [dizzy and hallucinating] I saved 15% on my car insurance.
Larry: She seems fine to me.
Moe: Come on, let's go see what Mother Superior wants.
[Sister Mary-Mengele's head hits the water retainer]
Moe: [groans]

Young Moe: Anesthetic!
Young Larry: Anesthetic!
Young Curly: Anesthetic!
Young Moe: 15 milligrams. Give!
Young Curly: Right.
[counts off on a croquet mallet]
Young Curly: Five, ten, fifteen!
[conks Sister Mary Mengele out]

If a Body Meets a Body (1945)
Moe Pink: Blow out the candle.
Curly Q. Link: Oh, no. Then it'll be dark in here. I'm scared. I might see a ghost.
Moe Pink: Blow it out, I said, or I'll blow out your brains. Or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
Curly Q. Link: A reasonable facsimile of...? All right.

Curly Q. Link: [reading his uncle's will] "To my niece, Elisa Link, I leave one million, two hundred fifty thousand dollars. To my nephew, Curly Q. Link..." That's me! That's me!
Larry Mink: Yes! Yes!
Moe Pink: How much. How much?
Curly Q. Link: "To my nephew, Curly Q. Link, I leave a sum total of sixty seven cents, net."
Moe Pink: [in despair] Sixty seven cents!
Curly Q. Link: Sixty seven cents!
Larry Mink: Sixty seven cents!
[they hit each other, pull out their own hair and say it over and over again until fade out]

Larry Mink: Here's one. "Wanted: Gravediggers."
Moe Pink: No, no, too morbid.
Curly Q. Link: Da morbid, da merrier! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Curly Q. Link: You know my name is Curly Q. Link!
Larry Mink: What's the "Q" stand for? Quincy?
Curly Q. Link: No.
Moe Pink: Quillip?
Curly Q. Link: No.
Moe Pink: What does the "Q" stand for?
Curly Q. Link: Cuff.
Larry Mink: Oh, Cuff Link!

Jerkington: [creepily] Goodnight, gentlemen. I hope you have a nice LONG sleep.
Moe Pink: Thanks, Dracula.

Moe Pink: Didn't you say you were born in Oxford?
Curly Q. Link: I can't remember. I was born awfully young.

Moe Pink: Don't tell me you've never heard of Link, Mink, and Pink!
Detective: Never heard of them! What do they do?
Moe Pink: We're in the sausage business. Link sausage, Mink sausage, and Pink sausage!

Moe Pink: [finds a horseshoe in his soup] Why you numbskull, we sent you to the butcher shop for meat, not the glue factory.
[hits Curly with the horseshoe]
Larry Mink: He's trying to poison us, that's what.
Moe Pink: You get out of this house before I split your throat from ear to ear you Lucrezia Borgia.
Curly Q. Link: If that means what I think it does...
Moe Pink: So what?
Curly Q. Link: So I'll go.

Moe Pink: Hark, who goes there?
Curly Q. Link: Friend or enemy?
Larry Mink: Give us the countersign.
Moe Pink, Curly Q. Link, Larry Mink: [Detective slaps all three of them] Pass, friend.

Curly Q. Link: It's dark in here!
Moe Pink: I can see the darkness!
[finds Curly standing on his and Larry's shoulders]
Moe Pink: Oh it's you! Boy will you come on?
Curly Q. Link: [gets down] I don't like darkness!

Moe Pink: Didn't you say you had an uncle?
Curly Q. Link: Yeah, uncle Bob O. Link, but the family didn't speak to him. He had millions.
Moe Pink: That's it! We're rich.
Larry Mink: We're filthy with dough!
Moe Pink: You're filthy without it.

Curly Q. Link: Suppose the murderer comes back again?
Moe Pink: Shut up! You got nothing to worry about. If he stabs you in the head, he'll wreck his knife.

Moe Pink: If you don't stop seeing things, I'll gouge your eyes out!

Moe Pink: [forcing Curly back to bed, thinking he's seeing things] If you so much as breathe, I'll your tonsils out and tie it around your neck for a bowtie!

Larry Mink: [trying to fall asleep, a skeleton skull bonks him on the head] Ooh!
[nudges Moe]
Larry Mink: Hey, what's the idea of hittin' me in the head?
Moe Pink: I didn't hit you on the head. Yet.
[Moe bonks Larry on the head]

Moe Pink: Wake up and go to sleep!

"The Simpsons: Pygmoelian (#11.16)" (2000)
Moe: Hey, there's one thing I don't get though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't I have turned into some kind of third face that was different? I mean, it don't make no...
[cuts to the end of the episode]

Homer: Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.
Moe: Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.
[takes the license of the wall]
Lenny: [examining the license] Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhose Island... and it's signed by you!
Moe: Yeah, yeah. I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and... real.

Moe: Am I really that ugly?
Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat?
Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought!
[He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer start sobbing]
Carl: [to camera] See, this is why I don't talk much.

Moe: Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear, there, and the lizard lips...
Carl: Little rat eyes...
Homer: Caveman brow...
Lenny: Don't forget that fish snout.
Moe: Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.
Lenny: Or listen to.
Carl: Or be with.

Moe: Plastic surgery, huh? Eh, maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.
Carl: Oh, I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad in the inside.
Moe: But I'd look good on the outside, right?
Carl: Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.
Moe: Plastic surgery it is!

[Dr. Velimirovic and his nurse prepare Moe, who lies on the operating table with his eyes closed, for surgery]
Nurse: Hoo-boy, what a mug.
Dr. Velimirovic: Yeah, you should see his genitals. Would you like to see them?
Moe: I'm awake here.

Moe: Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome. Me! It's like I've gone to Heaven.
Moe: Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I?
Homer: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Yeah, bu just for a minute. It's a funny story. I'll tell you sometime.

Moe: I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club!
Homer: [reading from a script] You don't love me! The only thing you love is your ear, nose, and throat pavilion.
Moe: I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes, but the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul.
Homer: That was amazing, Moe. I'm actually a little turned on.

Moe: I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.

Moe: Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.
Homer: I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

Moe: And what do you have to tell us O Angel of the Future?
Homer: [dressed as an angel] You're going to die in a sky-diving accident.
Moe: How tragic! Tell me more.
Homer: Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists... with sexy results.
Moe: Ooh! That's unexpected. What else?
Homer: Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team... with sexy results.

Duff Man: [watering his plants] That brown spot needs some H2O! Oh yeah!
Moe: [Moe walks up to him] Hey Duffman! How would you like a sticker on YOUR face?
Duff Man: [Moe slaps the sticker onto his face, Duff man falls to the ground, struggling to get the sticker off] Duffman can't breathe! Oh no!

[Moe is on a soap opera]
Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.

No Census, No Feeling (1940)
Moe: Are you married or happy?

Moe: Now, calm yourself. We're census takers, madam. How old are you?
Larry: What address is this?
Lady having bridge party: One hundred and two.
Moe: You don't look a day over eighty.
Lady having bridge party: Young man, I'm twenty-nine.
Moe: Oh, yeah?
Lady having bridge party: Well, how do I look?
Moe: Oh, you look like a million.
Larry: Ah, she can't be that old. (Larry and Moe open her mouth and check her teeth.) Forty-three.
Moe: Fifty.
Larry: Forty-three!
Moe: Fifty!
Larry: Forty-three!
Moe: Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, (mouth begins to move much faster) fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty...
Curly: Sooold American!

Larry: [after all three are unable to find anyone else to interview] Where is everybody?
Curly: Maybe it's The Fourth of July.
Moe: The Fourth of July in October?
Curly: You never can tell... look what they did to Thanksgiving!

Moe: Boy, you got brains like Napoleon.
Larry: Napoleon's dead.
Moe: I know it.

Moe: Pardon us, madame, we're census takers. What's your name?
Larry: And your address?
Curly: What's more important, what's your phone number? Nyuk, nyuk...
[Woman hits them with her purse]

Moe: Boy, look at that. There must be a hundred thousand people in there. We'll make a fortune!
Curly: Woo-woo!
Moe: How much is four cents times a hundred thousand?
Curly: [With shock] Nyahhh...
[gives in, stands up straight and begins to type in the air with typewriter sound effects. Sweeps his head with the sound of the typewriter bar being pushed back. Finally pulls a strip of paper from his mouth. Reads paper]
Curly: A dollar and a half.
Moe: A dollar and a half?
Curly: That's without the tax!

Moe: Where were you born?
Curly: Lake Winnipesaukee.
Moe: How do you spell that?
Curly: W-O... woof! Make it Lake Erie I got an Uncle there!
Moe: What was your family decomposed of?
Curly: Well, I'll tell ya! There was a litter of three, and I was the one they kept! N'yuk n'yuk n'yuk!

Moe: [not realizing he is getting replies from Larry] Pardon me sir, but I'm taking census, where were you born?
Larry: Lake Winnipesaukee.
Moe: Lake Winnip-how many in the family?
Larry: I was one of a litter of three.
Moe: Now don't tell me you're the one they kept!
Larry: Nah, I was the one they threw away!

Lady having bridge party: Does your drink taste all right?
Moe: A little heavy on the Angora Bitters. In fact, I think the goat walked right through it, I'm sure.

Moe: Good morning, sir, I'm the census taker. Are you married or happy?
Henry's wife: Hen-ry!
Moe: [Henry ducks just a vase is thrown by his wife, hitting Moe and knocking him down the stairs] Married.

Moe: [Not realizing he is getting replies from Larry] Pardon me sir, but I'm taking census, where were you born?
Larry: Lake Winnipesaukee.
Moe: Lake Winnip-how many in the family?
Larry: I was one of a litter of three.
Moe: Now don't tell me you're the one they kept!
Larry: Nah, I was the one they threw away!

Cash and Carry (1937)
Moe: The treasure, we found it!
Larry: Now Jimmy can get his operation!
Curly: There's enough here for all of us to have an operation!

[the Stooges all look at a map marked "Walla Walla"]
Moe: Walla Walla with an "X."
Curly: I know! "X" marks the spot where the treasure is buried! It's in the Walla.
Moe: But there's two Wallas.
Curly: Certainly! There's a Walla, and there's a Walla over there.
Larry: Which one's it buried in?
Moe: It makes no difference, we'll each take a Walla.

Curly: [after finding money hidden in a can on the scrap metal pile] I didn't know they put money up in cans!
Moe: Well, they don't!
Curly: Sure, see?
[points at label, "canned corn"]
Curly: Canned coin!

Moe: And when they told us the money was yours, you could've knocked us down with a gold bar! And that's the whole story, Mr. President, s'help me!
President Roosevelt: I see. Well, Jimmy, I shall arrange personally for your operation.
Jimmie: Thank you, Mr. President.
President Roosevelt: And as for you gentlemen, in view of the extenuating circumstances, I find it possible to extend to you executive clemency.
Curly: Oh, no! Please, not that!
[Moe stomps his foot]
Curly: Ow!
Moe: Mr. President means we're free!
Curly: No!
Moe: Yeah!
Curly: Gee, Mr. President, you're a swell guy!
Moe: You said it!

Moe: Why are you keeping your money layin' around in cans for? Why don't you put it in a bank?
Jimmie: Will a bank give it back to us?
Curly: Oh, sure! They didn't use to, but now they do!
Larry: And when you take it out they give you some more! I had a dollar once...
Moe: That's enough.

Moe: What's the idea of movin' into our apartment?
Larry: Come on beat it.
Jimmie: I'm sorry, Mister. Sis and I didn't know anyone lived here so we just moved in but we'll get out by the way.
Curly: Hey, where's your father?
Jimmie: We ain't got no father. Just Sis and I.
Moe: Wait a minute, son. We made a mistake, this ain't our house, we didn't have any curtains. Go on sit down and do your homework.
Jimmie: Oh, thank you.

Moe: There's sixty-two bucks there. How long do we have to wait before it swells to 500?
Bank Teller: Sixty-two dollars?
Moe: Yes, sir.
Bank Teller: [Checking his chart] That'll take you 104 years, six months, and 17 days.
Moe: Oh, we can't wait that long.
Curly: Why not?

Jimmie: [Doing his homework] I'm stuck. How much is six and six?
Moe: Well... hey, you help him.
Curly: Six and six? Don't tell me. Two sixes. Hmmm! Boxcars!
Jimmie: Boxcars?
Curly: Yeah, it looks like two lumps of sugar with smallpox. You throw it up against...
Moe: Hey, wait a minute. What are you trying to learn the kid?

Moe: [When they try to start the car, it explodes sending the engine flying up in the air] Get under it! Grab that motor!
Curly: I'll get it. Don't worry.
[the engine hits the ground so hard it makes a crater]
Curly: Woo woo!
Moe: Why didn't you catch it?

Moe: Remind me to kill you later.
Curly: I'll make a note of it... I ain't got a pencil.
Moe: I changed my mind. I'm gonna do it now!

We Want Our Mummy (1939)
Moe: I got an idea, we'll make a mummy out of you.
Curly: I can't be a mummy, I'm a daddy!
Larry: All right so you'll be a daddy-mummy.
Curly: Oh! That's different.

Moe: Weigh the anchor!
Curly: Forty-two pounds!

Dr. Crowell: That means we'll never find the missing king!
Curly: [looks surprised, takes card out of his front pocket] How did YOU know the king was missing?
[Moe turns his head to look]
Curly: I... Ooh!
[hides card before Moe can see]
Moe: Oh, so you're the one, eh? That's how you won my thirteen cents!
[smacks Curly]

Moe: [looking through telescope toward Egyptian desert, but with Larry's head in the way] We're coming to a jungle. I can see the underbrush! And camels walkin' through it! No no, they're octopus!
Larry: I don't see anything!
Moe: [notices that he was looking at Larry's hair] You will!
[hits Larry with the telescope]

Dr. Crowell: Gentlemen, you're hired. We're sending you to bring back the mummy of King Rutin-Tutin, you leave immediately for Cairo.
Curly: Say I got an uncle in Cairo, he's a chiropractor. NYUK NYUK NYUK!
[Moe punches him in the nose]
Museum Curator: And if you are successful, we will pay you 5000 dollars.
Dr. Crowell: The recovery of the mummy will prove of untold value to science.
Moe: For science!
Larry: For science!
Curly: For 5000 bucks!

Moe: [the Stooges find a sign post in the desert showing the locations of Cairo and Tunis] Oh, boy we're nearly in Cairo. The tomb oughtta be around here someplace.
Curly: I've gotta go to Tunis and then we can have tuna sandwiches for lunch.
[Moe slaps him]
Curly: Oh!

Moe: [what looks like the tomb of Rootin Tootin] Hey, he's the real McCoy!
Larry: McCoy, I thought his name was Rootin Tootin.
[Moe raises his fist at Larry]
Curly: Hey fellas, I found it.
Larry: Found what?
Curly: A tisket a tasket,
[holds up a basket]
Curly: that green and yellow basket. NYUK NYUK NYUK NYUK!
[Moe gives him an open hand shove in the face]
Curly: Oh!
[Staggers back into a well]
[Hits the bottom with a splash and gets Moe and Larry wet]

Larry, Curly, Moe: We're at your service night and day; if we don't catch them, you don't pay. Excelsior!

Larry: [they see an ocean in the desert] Must be a mirrage.
Moe: Mirrage is something you see yourself in, that's a mirage.
Curly: Mirage? But that's where you keep your automobile.
Moe: I said a mirage!
Curly: Mirage, mirrage, whatever it is, I'm going swimming!

Moe: [helping carry a crate] I'll take this end.
Larry: I'll take this end!
Curly: I'll take the end in the middle!

The Three Stooges (2000) (TV)
[from Ants in the Pantry]
Larry Fine: Oooh, I can't see, I can't see!
Moe Howard: What's the matter?
Larry Fine: I've got my eyes closed.
[Moe eye pokes Larry again]

Moe Howard: Is there anything you won't bet on?
Larry Fine: Yeah, a winner.

Jerome 'Curly' Howard: Hey Moe, what do you mean hitting me like that?
Moe Howard: I'm sorry, Babe. I didn't mean it.
Jerome 'Curly' Howard: Next time, make it harder so they can hear it in the back row.

Jack L. Warner: Good evening boys, allow me to introduce myself, Jack Warner.
Moe Howard: One of the Warner Brothers?
Jack L. Warner: *The* Warner Brothers. Enjoyed your act.
Moe Howard: Enchanted!
Larry Fine: Enraptured!
Jerome 'Curly' Howard: Embalmed!

Moe Howard: [to Curly] Look at you, you collect these stray dogs the same way you collect stray women. At least, you don't marry the dogs.

Jerome 'Curly' Howard: I'm sorry Moe, I'm sorry I talked that way. I'm just temperamental, you know me.
Moe Howard: Yeah, 95 percent temper, 5 percent mental.

[last lines]
Moe Howard: What are we waiting for?
Larry Fine: What the hell...
Moe Howard: [lining up on stage] Spread out!

Moe Howard: [about Curly] Pa, would ya stop singing Kaddish? It's not like he's dead, he's just going to California.
Jenny Horwitz: It's the same thing!

[first lines]
Young Moe: How old are you?
Young Shemp: Seventeen.
Young Moe: Come on, you're older than that.
Young Shemp: No, I got a birth certificate.
Young Moe: You couldn't get that dirty in seventeen years.
Young Moe: How 'about you, how old are you?
Young Jerome: I was seven. Three years in Sanford, Connecticut.
Young Moe: That makes you nine.
Young Jerome: Not 'til I get back to Connecticut...

Healthy, Wealthy and Dumb (1938)
Curly Howard: [a bathtub is behind a door that they open] Ohhhh, a rowboat.
Larry: A rowboat, you're crazy. That's a horse troph.
Moe: Rowboat, horse troph. In a hotel? That's a bathtub, you imbeciles. Go take a bath.
Larry: But we can't. It ain't spring yet.
Moe: Oh yes it is. See the pretty grass?
Larry: [looks toward the bathtub] Where?
Moe: [Moe shoves him in and closes the door. Curly giggles] You're next.
Curly Howard: But I had a bath.
Moe: When?
Curly Howard: July 14, 1910. I was too young to fight about it then.
Moe: What are you gonna do now?
Curly Howard: Take a bath.

Curly Howard: [Curly reads a telegram of their prize money and sees that taxes reduced their prise money into $4.95] Nyaaaaa...
[faints, Larry grabs it. Reads it]
Larry: They'll put us in jail!
[faints, Moe grabs it]
Hotel Costa Plente room service: Did he say jail?
Moe: No, Yale. He's got a brother in college with two heads. They got him in a bottle.
[Looks at the telegram for a second and flinches]
Hotel Costa Plente room service: Is something wrong?
Moe: Nothing. The figures stagger me.
Hotel Costa Plente room service: And so will your bill.

Moe: [Drinks a whole bottle of champagne. Followed by a faint rumbling noise] This bottle sounds flat.
Moe: Try another.
Curly Howard: [gets a bottle of champagne from the tray] I'll sharpen this one up.
[Shakes it, then opens it with foam squirting out. Curly puts it in his mouth and champagne sprays out of his ears. Then stops after a while]
Curly Howard: Boy, did I sharpen that bottle.

Moe: [picks up a glass] A toast.
Larry: [picks up a glass] A toast.
Curly Howard: [picks up air] A toast.
[Sees that there is no glass]
Curly Howard: Roses are red, violets are blue, there's no glass for me, so hot cakes to you. Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.
[Moe and Larry throw pancakes onto his face]

Moe: If you want to cheat, cheat fair.

Curly Howard: Roses are red, and violets are blue, try Stick-Fast glue, and you'll be stuck to, oh boy I got it, if I make the best slogan I'll win a lot of money!
Moe: Oh your crazy, you've been sending those in for weeks, nobody ever wins those.
Larry: Yeah, why don't you play cards and prove your mind? What there is of it.
Curly Howard: See the money I get!

Moe: [putting a pancake on the center plate] There's that chip, I call. What do ya got?
Larry: [laying down his hand] Just four aces.
Moe: [slams his hand on the table] And me with four kings again.
Larry: [taking the pancakes] Well it must be beginner's luck.
Moe: I can't understand it, everyday you have beginner's luck.
Larry: [getting up to reach for the syrup] Well its just one of those things you know...
Moe: [grabs Larry by the hair and looks on his chair and sees a lot of aces] You want to cheat, cheat fair, anything I hate is a crookin' crook.
[Moe shakes Larry and more aces fall out of his coat]
Moe: [slaps Larry in the head and then sits down to eat the pancakes] My beginner's luck, huh, huh, huh.

Larry: [carrying a boiling kettle] I got it! Hot water always melts glue.
[Moe begins thrashing as Larry holds him and pours the water onto his mouth]
Moe: [angry] What do you think I am, a lobster? Tryin' to boil me alive?
Larry: [while being slapped in the head by Moe] Well, hot water always melts glue!

[first lines]
Larry: How many?
Moe: I'll take three.
Larry: I'll take the same.
Moe: I bet two.
[Moe puts two pancakes on the center plate]
Larry: I'll see those two, and I'll raise you five!
[Larry puts his entire stack on the center plate]
Moe: I'd better win today I haven't had breakfast in a week!
Larry: Well the best man always wins.
Moe: Well there's four... Hey I need some more chips!
[the camera moves over to Curly flipping a pancake in a frying pan]
Moe: Hurry it up with those chips!
[Curly comes over to the table]
Curly Howard: I'm getting sick and tired of making chips for you guys, I gotta get busy for my radio contest!

Disorder in the Court (1936)
Moe: Now Gaily's dance was over. I stuck my head in the office door, and I saw Koik Robin and Buck Wing ahgyin' over by the parrot cage!
District Attorney: What were they arguing about?
Moe: I dunno! But Buck Wing was sizzlin' like a hot hamboiguh! He grabs Koik by the neck like that, see, and drags him over to the letter press, see?
[Demonstrates on Curly]
Moe: Then he smacks him on the head like that!
[Continues demonstration on Curly]
Moe: Then he pokes his coconut into the letter press, see? Like that! Then he says, "I'll squeeze the cider outta yer Adam's apple!" Then he gives him the woiks, like this! Then he keeps toinin! And twistin'! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the...
[the grind of the letter press suddenly starts spinning counterclockwise, flying into the air and landing on Moe's head]

Moe: I say, Jasper, what comes after seventy-five?
Larry: Seventy-six!
Moe: That's the Spirit!

Curly: I'm no mule.
Moe: No, your ears are too short.
[eye pokes Curly]
Curly: So I'm a mule.

Moe: [to Larry] You're in court, not the woods, Tarzan.

Court clerk: I'll SUE you for this.
Moe: Oh, sue-perstitious eh?

Moe: [after Curly picks up all the jacks on one bounce of the ball] Hey! What's the idea of spoiling the game?
Curly: I was for onesies.
Moe: Well here's twosies.
[eye pokes Curly on "twosies", and Curly responds in pain]
Larry: [sounding cute] He did a onesie, you give 'em to...
[stops when he sees Moe looking at him angrily]
Moe: [to Larry] Here's fivesies.
[smacks him]

Larry: [while playing violin, he picks up the defense's black hairpiece on the end of his bow and sees it] A taran-tela!
[Moe screams, Curly tries hitting it with a hammer, and Moe steals the bailiff's gun and shoots]
Curly: Oh! A field mouse!
Larry: [with it attached to his bow] Watch out, it'll bite ya!
Moe: [sees it] Taran-tella? Shot five holes in a dibbit!

Moe: [to Curly] Grab your ear.
[Curly grabs it]
Moe: Come on!
[Moe grabs Curly's arm, and drags him off]

Three Little Pirates (1946)
Moe: The maha-...
Curly: Aha! Razbanyi siati benefuchi

Moe: The maha-...
Curly: Aha! Lazpanya se chekini fuchi...
Moe: Siddown!
Curly: Oh, shaddap! I don't have to!

Moe: Razbanyi siati benefuchi timiniharogi. That, how do you call it, that froghead, he askee taskaskee, whatifichorsa inginzoben. Gotet something else kiddo?
Curly: Razbanyai siati benefuchi timinharongi. Paradeecke mahiha. I'd want to see that.
Moe: Sit down, you flatbush flathead!

Moe: Maha, Razbanyi siati benefuchi timiniharongi a bay meadows. That iron head askee taskee whatificharsaia kemdal ayendalay. You got some slick chicks?
Curly: Aha. Oh a wolf. Razbanyi siati benefuchi timiniharongi paraleechemahiha. I'd like to see some babes myself.
Curly: Hittin' a guy with glasses,huh?

Moe: The raja says that in his domain on the islands of Coney & Long there are some fair chickadees who prowl through the meadows day & night.
Moe: If you give us till sunup, we shall bring some back by sundown.
Governor: Excellent, Excellent!
Governor: On your way with winged feet.
Curly: Aha, Yataminich, where are you?

Governor: You shall die! I'll throw you to the togers!
Moe: Give us a chance!
Larry: Be a sport too!
Governor: You want a chance?
Larry: Yeah!
Governor: Very well, you may choose the manner in which you will die.
Larry: Uh, that;s easy! Old age!
[they all laugh]

Governor: [sentencing Moe, Larry, and Curly to death] You have your choice: you may have your heads chopped off or you may be burned at the stake.
Curly: We'll take burning at the stake!
Governor: Very well. We'll toast them Monday at sundown.
Moe: What did you pick burning at the stake for?
Curly: Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop.

Moe: [Black Louie is using Larry as a human target for knife-throwing] Be careful you don't hit Larry.
Curly: Where is he?
Moe: Over there.
Curly: I don't see him.
Moe: Take off the glasses.
[Curly takes his glasses off]
Moe: Over there by the wall.
Curly: What wall?

No Dough Boys (1944)
Moe: They are very well bred.
Curly: I take mine toasted!

Moe: Nacky, Wacky, come backy.

Moe: [in a German accent] Ist zat zere za swastika?
Larry, Curly: [in German accents] Ja, zat ist za swastika!
Moe: Ist zat herr a dirty rat?
Larry, Curly: Ja, zat ist a dirty rat!

Moe: [in a Japanese accent] And now we do ber bootifur trick! Is carred sree-high! If top man not careful, farring down, spirring brains and brood! Ber bootifur!

Moe: [doing an acrobatic act, Curly's about to roll on him] No Wacky,
[points to Larry]
Moe: Nacky!
Curly: My mistacky.

Moe: Hippopotamus no good for this trick,
[points to Curly]
Moe: Hippopotamus!

Moe: [on break from a photo shoot, Moe catches Curly smoking a cigarette] What's the matter with you? You wanna burn down the scenery? Read that sign.
Curly: "Hey you, no smoking."
Moe: Well?
Curly: It says you, not me. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Moe: Watch your P's and Q's.
Curly: Don't forget to dot the I's.
Moe: Yeah
[pokes Curly in the eyes]

Sing a Song of Six Pants (1947)
Moe: We're going to be paupers. Paupers!
Shemp: Are you kidding? We're not even married!
Moe: [pokes Shemp in the eyes] Why don't you be quiet. Think!

Moe: [Larry accidentally takes a swig of the cleaning fluid he was using, and inadvertently spits it out on the back of Moe's head. Moe walks over and put his left hand on the side of Larry's head] Oh, a funny man.
[slaps him with the right hand]
Moe: What the matter with you?
Larry: [as Moe walks away] What did I do?

[Shemp accidently hits Moe with a broom]
Shemp: Gee, I'm sorry, Moe.
Moe: Oh, think nothing of it.
Shemp: Gee, thanks, Moe.
Moe: You're welcome.
[grabs the broom and hits Shemp in the head with it]

[Moe starts to read a letter addressed to them]
Moe: "Gentlemen..."
Shemp: That ain't for us. We're not gentlemen.
Moe: Speak for yourself.
[knocks Shemp in the nose]

Moe: T.H. I wonder what that means.
Shemp: Teddy Hoosevelt?
Moe: You're wrong, quiz kid.
Larry: T.H. T.H. I got it! I got it!
Moe: What?
Larry: Thomas Hedison!
Moe: Why don't you dumbells stop?

Moe: [after they see the detective's badge] Gee officer, we didn't...
Detective: [Cutting him off] Quiet! You boys realize you just let Terry Hargan, the bank robber, slip right through my hands?
[Turns to Shemp]
Detective: I outta run you in!
Shemp: Please officer, I got six wives and two kids!

Moe: Terry Hargen was here! The bank robber was here!
Shemp: You're crazy. We got those clothes off one of the dummies.
[warningly, wagging his finger]
Shemp: No cracks.
[Moe bites Shemp's finger]

Shemp: [hearing a report of Hargan's crime spree on the radio] Hey Moe, why don't we capture Hargan and collect the reward? Then we can pay our bills.
[Shemp taps his temple, smiling]
Moe: Oh, it's as simple as all that. Hargan is gonna walk right in here and let you capture him. You're nuts.

Malice in the Palace (1949)
Moe: [giving turban to guard who has just been hit with fruit] Your hat.
Palace Guard (inside): Thank you.
Moe: You're welcome.
Palace Guard (inside): [realizes what just happened] Why you-!
[is cut off as Moe gets scared before dropping a vase on his his head]

Moe: [to Hassen Ben Soba and Ginna Rumma] What'll you have?
Hassan Ben Soba: We want...
Moe: [cutting him off] We don't have any more.
Larry: All we got left are rabbit and hot dogs.
Hassan Ben Soba: Rabbit.
Ginna Rumma: Hot dogs.
Larry: Hot dog, they'll take rabbit.

Hassan Ben Soba: [to Shemp, getting up and pointing to his chair] Sit down!
Shemp: Oh, but I'm not tired, I'll just stand while you eat.
Hassan Ben Soba: [pulls out his dagger] Sit down with your hands on or off!
Moe: Y-you talked us into it.

Guard outside palace: Hark! Who goes there?
Moe, Larry and Shemp (together): Santa Claus!
Guard outside palace: Ah, there ain't no Santa Claus.
Shemp: [as all three of them get out and open their bag] Oh, yes, there is, and we've got a present for you.
Guard outside palace: You have?
Moe: Yeah, right here!
[hits the guard over the head and he falls into the bag unconscious]

Hassan Ben Soba: I am Hassan Ben Soba.
Shemp: I had a few too many myself.
Moe: Quiet!
[throws a handful of spaghetti in Shemp's face]

Moe: There's only one 100-carat diamond, and it comes from Rootin Tootin's Tomb.
Shemp: That's government property.
Moe: Right, and if we return it, we'll get a big reward.
Larry: Yeah! Maybe fifty-thousand bucks. Boy, with that kind of money, we could rent a one-room apartment in Hollywood... maybe.

Moe: Hey, spinach chin, do you mean to tell me that you're only a doorman?
Hassan Ben Soba: [tearfully] Yes!
Shemp: Well, there's the door, man.

Brideless Groom (1947)
Moe: Shut up and listen. Do you remember your Uncle Caleb?
Shemp: Do I? Why, that old tightwad! He'd steal flies from a blind spider!
Moe: But, Shemp, he's...
Shemp: He's a louse and a weasel!
Moe: Yeah? Well, he just died and left you $500,000 bucks.
Shemp: Just like that old skinflint!
Shemp: $500,000 bucks?
[begins to cry]
Shemp: Poor old Uncle Caleb! Like I was sayin', he was a swell guy, giving me the shirt off his back and throwing the buttons too.

Shemp: [Moe enters and opens the door in Shemp's face]
[to Moe]
Shemp: I oughta...
Moe: [to Shemp] You oughta what?
Shemp: I oughta be a little more careful.

Moe: You know any girls?
Shemp: [pulls a black book out of his pocket] I got a lot of numbers, but haven't had much luck with them lately.
Moe: Well, you can't get killed for trying. Where's a phone?
Shemp: [turns around and points] There's a booth down the hall.
Moe: [grabs Shemp's hair and pulls him towards the door before he can finish his sentence] Well, what are we waiting for?

Larry: [after the phone booth's walls fall and Moe and Shemp fall out of it]
[to Moe]
Larry: What happened?
Moe: That's what I want to know.

Moe: [opens a top drawer, looks, then to Shemp] Say, where are the towels?
Shemp: In the bottom drawer.
Moe: [shakes his head, then opens the bottom drawer, and pulls out a towel] Ah, here we are.
[stands straight up, and puts his head through the bottom of the still open top drawer. He turns around slightly groggy and walks towards Shemp with the drawer still around him]
Larry: [to Moe, laughing] Boy, you sure look funny wearing a buster brown collar.
Moe: [handing Larry the towel] Hold that.
[Larry takes it, then Moe removes the drawer and puts it over Larry]
Moe: You do too!

Moe: Wait a minute. You wouldn't hit a lady with that.
[grabs an object and hands it to Larry]
Moe: Use this. It's bigger.

Shemp: [admiring self in mirror] Ain't I as pretty as a picture?
Moe: [with a slap to Shemp] Yeah, of an ape!

Dizzy Doctors (1937)
Moe: [while "polishing" a man's shoe with Brighto] Remember sir, Brighto! You'll never forget it as long as you live!
[removes the rag to realize that the Brighto has eaten right through the man's shoe]
Moe: And neither will I!

Moe: [In a hospital, in a room with a microphone connected to the loudspeaker, hits the three skulls to make a musical jingle then hits Curly on the head] Hello, everybody, we just brought the moon over the mountain.
Curly: Hello, Ma. Hello, Pa. It wasn't much of a fight. I stood like that. But not for long.
[Moe hits him on the head]
Moe: Quiet. This broadcast comes to you through the courtesy of Brighto. And it's six delicious flavors. Chocolate, Vanilla, Cranberry, Strawberry.
Curly: And raspberry.
[Moe slaps him]
Curly: Ow. It's still raspberry.
[Sticks his tongue out, Moe hits him on the head]
Curly: Ow!
Moe: Now keep quiet or I'll sock you again.
Larry: Are you listening. V-v-v-voo. V-v-v-voo. V-v-v...
[Moe hits him with a backhand punch in the face]
Moe: Now, don't go away, gentlemen. We'll soon be with you.
Moe, Larry, Curly: Zheee. Boom! Cuckoo!

Moe: Brighto, Brighto, makes old bodies new!
Larry: We'll sell a million bottles!
Curly: Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo!

Dr. Bright: Well boys, how did it go?
Curly: We rubbed it on a man's car, and it took the paint right off. That polish ain't no good.
Dr. Bright: Polish? You idiots, that's medicine!
Curly: Medicine?
[Curly drinks a bottle]
Curly: I feel better already!
Moe: What was wrong with you?
Curly: Nothing.
[Moe slaps Curly]

Dr. Bright: Have you ever sold anything?
Larry: Have we ever SOLD anything!
Moe: Have we ever SOLD anything!
Curly: Have we?

Curly: Hey, what's this stuff for anyway?
Larry: Why it's a cleaner, you chump.
Curly: I know. It's auto polish.
Moe: You boys really want to know what it's for?
Curly, Larry: Yeah!
Moe: It's for sale. Now get busy selling it.

Curly: A guy wants to know what to do for inflammation.
Moe: Why call us? Tell him to dial Inflammation!

Dizzy Detectives (1943)
Moe: Where's your gun?
Curly: Gun? Oh! The landlady's baby was cryin', so I gave it to the baby to play with.

Moe: [whispering] It's that crook and he's wearin' a fur coat! Come on!
[the Stooges come up and Moe gets the gorilla's attention by kicking him in the butt. The Stooges all point their guns at the gorilla]
Moe: Stick 'em up, Ape Man! We gotcha covered!
[the gorilla destroys the Stooges' guns]
Moe: Hey, fellas! Look! No human is strong enough to bend a gun barrel like that!
Curly: It's real! A real chimmanypanzee!
Larry: That's no chimp, ya chump! That's a gorilla!

Moe: Next time you handle a gun, shoot yourself in the head.
Curly: I'll make a note of it. How do you spell head?
Moe: B-O-N-E. head!
[he whacks him in the head with a gun and the gun bends]

Curly: That ox can't call me a monkey!
Moe: Shut up you baboon!
[Curly sticks his tongue at Moe while Moe puts a clothespin on his tongue]

Larry: Hey, you only fell 14 feet! Why are ya getting sore?
Moe: [Pretending to be surprised] Is that all it was?
Larry: Yeah!

Moe: What are you, cowards? I'll lead the way. Go ahead.
[Moe pushes Larry and Curly ahead of him]

Studio Stoops (1950)
Larry: Gee, that Shemp was a swell guy.
Moe: I'll never forgive myself for pushing him around.

Moe: Keep a stiff upper plate, kid!

Moe: You get a rope that'll reach to the 10th floor and step on it.
Larry: Hey, you better bolt that door in case our adversaries come back.
Moe: Good idea. "Adversaries?"
Larry: Yeah!
Moe: Since when did you get so smart?
Larry: Oh, I've been smart all the time, only you didn't know it. Say, when I come back, I'll give you the password.
Moe: Brilliant! What'll it be?
Larry: [Whispering] Open the door.
Moe: [Slaps Larry]

Moe: What's the idea of the three watches?
Shemp: That's the way I tell time.
Moe: How do you tell time?
Shemp: This one is ten minutes slow. This one is twenty minutes fast. The one in the middle is broke; it stopped at two o'clock.
Moe: Well, how do you tell the time?
Shemp: I take the ten minutes slow, subtract it from the twenty minutes fast, and divide by the two in the middle.
Moe: Well, what time is it now?
[Shemp pulls a fourth watch out of his pocket]
Shemp: Oh, it's 9:30.
Moe: [bonks Shemp on the head] Why, you...

Shemp: If you ain't got a gun for me, what did you bring me along for?
Moe: For bait!

Moe: You wait out here. If we're not out in five minutes, come and get us.
Larry: Yeah! You better make it thirty seconds.

Idiots Deluxe (1945)
Moe: If there's anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it's baloney and whip cream! And we haven't got any.

Judge: Were you ever indicted?
Moe: Not since I was a baby, your honor.

Moe: Quiet! Quiet!
[to a cat]
Moe: Quit stomping around! Scat!
[throws his ice pack at it, cat screeches]

Moe: [Curly accidentally spills spaghetti on him] You're a nitwit, that's what you are! What's the matter with you?
Curly: Hey Moe, there's a b-b-b-b-bear in the window.
Moe: You're wacky. What do you mean a bear in the window? There's no bear around here.
[Moe goes to the window and looks around; the bear growls and smacks him in the head]
Moe: Oh! Oh! Oh! You're right. There is a bear around here.

[Curly is caught in bear trap, and Moe and Larry think the bear has got him]
Larry: Did you hear that? He's got him. He's got him.
Moe: You want the bear to eat him alive? Go out there and help him.
Larry: That bear don't need no help.
Moe: What are you, a coward?
Larry: Yes.
Moe: Go on out and save him.
Larry: I'll go, but my heart ain't in it.

Curly: [Thinking Moe is dead] Poor Moe.
Larry: Oh woe is Moe.
Moe: [Comes up with an ax] Oh WOE is you!
Larry: Woe Moe!

Half Shot Shooters (1936)
Moe: Republican? Naw, I'm a Democrat.
Curly: Not me, I'm a pedestrian!

Capt. Burke: ...wouldn't know a shell from a boat.
Larry: What'd he say?
Moe: He says you smell like a goat.
Larry: Oh, yeah? Same to you!

Capt. Burke: Where were you born?
Curly: He says your pants are torn.
Moe: I ain't got any on.
Larry: Not worn, corn! Corn!
Curly: Oh, I got two on both dogs!

Larry: Pipe down! You're spoiling the whole war for me!
Moe: What of it?
Larry: Nothing. I was just saying.

Moe: [after firing a cannon shell which destroys a building] I don't know where that one landed, but I hope it didn't hit the pool room.

Moe: [Finding the cannon site abandoned] Where's the sergeant and the gun crew?
Larry: Maybe it's between halves.

Hoi Polloi (1935)
Moe: My dear fellows, this is our punishment for associating with the hoi polloi.

Moe: [reading] "See the deer. Has the deer any doe?"
Curly: Yeah, two bucks!

Moe: Now then gentlemen. Remember your etiquette.
[Slaps Larry and Curly]
Larry: What's that for?
Curly: We didn't do nothin'!
Moe: That's in case you do when I'm not around.

Moe: [the Stooges reluctantly agree to be gentlemen] You know it'll break the old man's heart but you gotta drop on us.
Larry: It'll disgrace us for life.
Curly: I won't be able to look at my children in the face.

Prof. Richmond: Do you realize you men have assaulted us?
Prof. Nichols: I'll call the police!
Moe: Now, listen, mister. Listen, I can explain the whole thing.
Curly: Soitenly!
Moe: You stay out of this!
[Moe slaps Curly]
Moe: And you too.
[Moe slaps Larry]
Larry: I didn't say nothing!
Moe: Well, that was in case you do.

Larry: Hey, where's your dignity?
Moe: Spread out.
Larry: Where's your dignity?
Moe: [Slaps Larry] There it is.

Men in Black (1934)
Hiccupping Nurse: Oh, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard! Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Dr. Moe Howard: Yes, that's true.
Hiccupping Nurse: Well, then, why don't the patients eat an apple a day and save hospital expenses?
Dr. Curly Howard: Pardon me if I laugh. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! That's a pippin!
Hiccupping Nurse: Oh, I know what a pippin is.
Dr. Larry Fine: You do, eh? What's a pippin?
Hiccupping Nurse: Uh, a pippin is an apple with a skin on the outside.
Dr. Moe Howard: Did you ever see an apple with a skin on the inside?
Hiccupping Nurse: Oh, sure I did.
Dr. Larry Fine: You did?
Hiccupping Nurse: Uh-huh.
Dr. Larry Fine: Where?
Hiccupping Nurse: In homemade apple pie.

Dr. Moe Howard: How is she, doctor?
Doctor with 'Tiny Patient': A slight hope.
Dr. Curly Howard: That's too bad. What's the matter?
Doctor with 'Tiny Patient': She's in a coma.
Tiny Patient: [sitting up] I am not! I'm in a bed!
[sees the Stooges]
Tiny Patient: Geeze, the joint's haunted!
Dr. Moe Howard: How old are you?
Tiny Patient: I'm 35.
Dr. Curly Howard: Na, you couldn't get that fresh in 35 years.

Tiny Patient: Say, doctor, do you really think I'm gonna get better?
Dr. Moe Howard: I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid you are.
Tiny Patient: Oh, thanks, doctor. You don't know how I really appreciate it.

Dr. Graves: How did you find that patient in room 67?
Dr. Moe Howard: Under the bed!
Dr. Graves: How did you find that patient in room 73?
Dr. Larry Fine: Up on the chandelier.
Dr. Graves: What did you do for him?
Dr. Curly Howard: Nothing! What'd he ever do for us?

[repeated line]
Dr. Moe Howard, Dr. Curly Howard, Dr. Larry Fine: For duty and humanity!

Ants in the Pantry (1936)
Moe: [Larry has a bear trap to carry on the Stooges way to the mansion]
[to Larry]
Moe: Hey, what's with the bear trap?
Larry: You never know when we will meet up with a bear.
Moe: Well, meet my bare hand!
Moe: Get out!

Moe: ...if they ain't got ants, they ain't got ants!
A. Mouser: So you give them ants, und mice, und moths, all sroough the houses; you Dummkopfs!

Moe: [hitting on a waitress at a fancy party] You know, all my life I've dreamed of loving a girl like you.
[Moe closes his eyes, and the waitress takes the opportunity to leave]
Moe: And I never believed in love at first sight until this very minute. Kiss me. Aw, kiss me.
[Curly leans in and kisses Moe]
Curley: Anything else, sir?
Moe: [opening his eyes and seeing Curly] I'm poisoned!

Curley: What does he think I am, a rat?
Moe: Yeah, what about it?
Curley: Well, he don't have to tell everybody.

Gawkins - the Butler: ...and above all, don't be conspicuous!
Moe: Hey, if that conspicerous means what I think it does, I may have to punch you right in the nose.
Curley: Pipe down, it's derived from the Latin, no canna speaka da Ingalish.

A Ducking They Did Go (1939)
Blackie: You men ever sold anything?
Curly: Why certainly, anything we could lay our hands on!
Moe: The gentleman said "sold," not "stole."

Curly: Got a piece of bacon in your pocket?
Moe: Why?
Curly: You keep em' busy I'll get some eggs for breakfast.
Moe: You try that and I'll crack your head like an egg shell.

Moe: Spread out and remember, ducks is ducks and cash is king.
Curly: And never the twain shall meet.

Vegetarian in hallway: I don't eat ducks, I'm a vegetarian!
Moe: Well eat the vegetable see and leave the duck! Come on!

Moe: Your troubles are over. Here we are!
Larry: Three of the best salesmen that ever sailed!

"The Simpsons: Whiskey Business (#24.19)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: First we have to make sure you're okay. Who's President now?
Moe Szyslak: Some jerk.
Homer Simpson: He's okay.

Moe Szyslak: Four guys, a chick and a noose. Just like the kind of movies I like.

Stranger: [Bumps into Moe] Oh, sorry, pal.
Moe Szyslak: Sorry, pal? That's common courtesy, the kind I've only seen in the movies.

Moe Szyslak: Without my magic suit, I'm nothin'.
Marge Simpson: Moe, have you ever heard the story of Dumbo the elephant?
Moe Szyslak: I didn't go to the movies much as a child. I worked at a pierogi factory. Stick in the potato, fold in the dough, that was my Star Wars.
Marge Simpson: Dumbo had a magic feather that made him fly, but then he found out that the feather wasn't magic. The magic was inside him all along.
Lisa Simpson: Let me get this straight: Moe is Dumbo, the whiskey is Dumbo's ears, and we're that bunch of racist crows?
Homer Simpson: Honey, the crows weren't racist. The people who drew them were.

[last lines]
Moe Szyslak: [to noose] Sorry, not today, old friend. But don't worry, holidays are just around the corner.

A Plumbing We Will Go (1940)
Curly: Say why don't you call your stops?
Moe: This is far enough I guess.
Larry: Where are we?
Curly: What do you care as long as we're not in jail.

Moe: [Larry has accidentally poked a hole in the furnace vent] Hey, are you smokin'?
Larry: No, but the pipe is.
Moe: The pi - uh... why, you lamebrain! Ya wanna get us suffocated? Put some tape on it!
Larry: [checks his pockets] We forgot the tape!
Moe: Well, we had to forget somethin' or we wouldn't be plumbers.

Moe: [Finally fixes leak] Yeah, who said you need brains to be a plumber?

Butler: There You are! I called You Plumbers an Hour ago, now go inside and fix that Leak, before it gets any worse!
Curly: Hey, who told You we're Plumbers?
[to Moe and Larry]
Curly: How do You like that Guy...
[See's Officer Kelly riding a Bicycle looking around for them]
Curly: Uh... weer Plumbers!
Moe: Three of the best plumbers that ever plumbed a plum!
Curly: woop woop woop woop woop!

Moe: [Judge falls through the floor into the basement] Why you dummy you. You ruined a whole day's work!
Curly: [Realizes who it is] NAAH the judge!
Judge Hadley: Why you!

Micro-Phonies (1945)
[making a mock broadcast]
Moe: Use Gritto, radio friends, the soap that gives your hands that dishpan look. How will the old man know you've been working... if your hands -don't- have that dishpan look, hmm?
Moe: Put a box of Gritto in a glass of water, then listen to it fizz...
[Larry and Curly honk a large horn. Moe is irked]
Moe: Dopes. Remember, Gritto spelled sideways, is 'ot-tri-gruh-guh-guhhh'.

Moe: [in the studio room, at the microphone] Oh, a micro-phoney.
Curly: [about Moe] And a phoney at the mic!

Moe: Quiet, you numbskulls, I'm broadcasting.

Mrs. Bixby: My dear, would you care to go to the powder room?
Moe: Oh, no, no, she always looks like that.

Moe: The senorita's lost her voice.
Mrs. Bixby: What is it, laryngitis?
Moe: No, fallen arches.

"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball.
Moe Szyslak: You're an idiot.

Malloy: Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you.
Homer Simpson: Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa.
Abe Simpson: Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha...
Moe Szyslak: Shut up.
Abe Simpson: [meekly] I've had my moment.

Homer Simpson: Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be Eight-Ball, Barney will be Twelve-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.
Moe Szyslak: You're an idiot.

Jimbo Jones: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
Homer Simpson: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
Jimbo Jones: Can I!
Homer Simpson: You're in. Here's the sack!
Moe Szyslak: But you gotta supply your own knobs!

[forming a vigilante group]
Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.

"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Moe Szyslak: My name is Moe Szyslak. When I was a kid I had round worm - Heck, I was more worm than boy for a couple of years - I dabbled in Satanism until I was asked to leave, oh, and one month I ate nothing but aquarium fish.

Homer Simpson: I can't stand Marge's gray hair. It's like I'm married to Richard Gere.
[Phone rings]
Homer Simpson: Not now, phone. I'm talking to myself. It's okay, Homer. It's just a couple of minutes. Thanks, Homer.
[Picks up phone]
Homer Simpson: Hello?
Moe Szyslak: Hello, wing man? You were supposed to be here two minutes ago.
Homer Simpson: Oh, thank you, prior commitment!
[Kisses receiver and hangs up]

Moe Szyslak: I love Valentines Day. Just mix a couple of drops of Jagermeister with some pink lemonade, add some cherry chapstick, call it Cupid's Ambrosia and charge it up the wazoo.

Moe Szyslak: Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up chicks?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, we're certainly not here to learn how to fold napkins.
Ned Flanders: Looks like I came in here for nothing.

Dr. Kissingher: Your only hope is to get a wingman.
Moe Szyslak: What's a wingman?
Dr. Kissingher: A wingman is a friend who...
Moe Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now I gotta get a friend?

Three Little Beers (1935)
Desk Relief Clerk: Pardon me, gentlemen.
Moe: You mean us?
Desk Relief Clerk: Yes. Are you members of the press?
Moe: Why, uh...
Curly: I used to be! But I didn't do any pressing. I went through the pockets, sort of a "dry cleaning"! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Moe: What do ya know? We're right in the middle of one.
Larry: The middle of what?
Moe: A golf place.
Curly: I don't see any golfs.
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
Curly: Ooh! Look at the golfs!

Curly: He's pointin' where you are!
Moe: Ya mean he's pointin' where I was! C'mon, let's go!

[Moe is inadvertently cutting divots in the ground while trying to hit his golf ball]
Third Gardener: What are you doin'? What are you-? Chop-a, chop-a, chop-a. What are you doing? You gotta a shovel here.
Moe: Aw, quiet now, will ya? I'm getting better, see? The pieces are getting smaller.

Moe: Press.
Larry: Press.
Curly: Pull.

Snow White and the Three Stooges (1961)
[hawking an all-purpose "medicine" called Yuk]
Moe: Become the envy of your friends. Surprise your wife. You, lady, grow a beard and surprise your husband!

Moe: You can count on us.
Larry: Come what may.
Curly-Joe: Ad infinitum.

Moe: At ease, young man.
Larry: Salutations.
Curly-Joe: Ad infinitum.

Moe: [to the Prince] You're better than we ever were.
Curly-Joe: Yeah, but he cheats... he's got brains!

Head Cook: That last lot of onions you sent us, even a pig wouldn't eat.
Moe: Maybe you just weren't hungry.

"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)
Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

Moe: Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?

Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

[while Homer is sneaking into Burns' mansion]
Moe, Carl, Lenny: [cheering] Homer, Homer, he's our man, if he can't do it, no-one can!
Homer: [beset by hounds] Aaaaargghh!
Carl: Oh, I guess no-one can.
Lenny: He's done for. Let's get out of there!
Moe, Carl, Lenny: Aaaaaahhhhh!

Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

"The Simpsons: The Homer They Fall (#8.3)" (1996)
Homer Simpson: You used to be a boxer just like me?
Moe Szyslak: Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe.

Moe Szyslak: Are you man enough to test every one of your limits?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to throw a punch should the opportunity arise?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: I'll take it.
Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo!

Moe Szyslak: Who's gonna knock you down?
Homer Simpson: No one!
Moe Szyslak: When are you gonna fight back?
Homer Simpson: Never!
Moe Szyslak: What are you gonna do?
Homer Simpson: Nothing!
Moe Szyslak: That's my boy!

Moe Szyslak: Fun's over, fellas! If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum.

Moe Szyslak: Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with them than I did.
Homer Simpson: Gee, thanks, Moe. What's this?
Moe Szyslak: Ah, that's the barbed wire. We called that the stinger. They, uh... they don't let you use that no more.

Tricky Dicks (1953)
Larry: You know my sister was engaged with a wooden-legged guy.
Sgt. Moe: Yeah?
Larry: She broke it off.
Sgt. Moe: The engagement?
Larry: No, the leg.

[Repeated line]
Sgt. Moe: I have to do everything around here!

Sgt. Moe: Quiet, everyone! Genius at work!

Sgt. Moe: [answering his phone] Hello! Yeah! Detective bureau, Sergeant Moe speaking. Oh, wait a minute, Clancy. Go ahead. You say there's a dead horse on Ticonderoga Street? How do you spell "Ticonderoga"? Oh, you don't know, either. Well, drag him over to First Street.
[hangs up]
Sgt. Moe: I have to think of everything.

Sgt. Moe: [answers phone] Detective Bureau! Yes, this is Sergeant Moe!
[more gently]
Sgt. Moe: Oh, hello, dear. Why, of course, dear. Oh, sure, you've got nothin' to worry about. Goodbye, sweetheart.
[hangs up phone]
Sgt. Moe: That was the mayor.

Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise (1939)
Moe: [smoking a cigar] Quite a bouquet!
Curly: Mmm! Smells like a chrysanthemum-mum-mum-mum-mum!

Larry: An inkwell!
Moe: That's not ink! That's earl!
Curly: What d'ya mean, earl?
Moe: You know! Coal earl!
Curly: You mean oil! It's a geezer! An oil geezer!

Curly: Hey look, a rooster bar!
Moe: You mean a crowbar.
Curly: Don't a rooster crow?

Curly: Here I was dreaming of a nice portion of roast chicken and dumplings.
[Moe slaps Curly]
Curly: What's that for?
Moe: That's for not dreaming enough for the both of us.

Idle Roomers (1943)
Hazel's roommate: Wolf! Wolf! Ahhhhhh!
Curly: Who, me? I resemble that remark.
Moe: I told you your face scares people. Why don't you throw it away?
[looks behind him and sees Lupe the Wolf Man]
Moe: Yaaaa... aaaa... aaaa!
[runs off]
Curly: [mockingly] Yaaaaaa... Hey lady. I ain't that ugly. Or am I?
[Curly goes to the mirror and sees Lupe in broken mirror frame]
Curly: Naaaaaaaa! Oh no! I think you got something there, I just scared myself!
Curly: [looks again, feels his chin and Lupe does the same thing] I need a shave but I don't feel any whiskers.
[smiles, Lupe does the same thing]
Curly: Hey lady, I'm losing my teeth. I think I got pyarhea.
[feels his head. Lupe does the same thing]
Curly: That can't be me. That looking glass is doity.
[puts his hand to the broken mirror frame and Lupe touches hands with him and both hands move in a circle. Then Curly blows into the frame and Lupe roars and leans out of the broken frame. Curly runs off]

Lupe the Wolf Man: [after Hazel flees, pushes down on the bed where Hazel's roommate is still sleeping]
Hazel's roommate: [Annoyed] Hazel, will you lie still!
Lupe the Wolf Man: [Shakes bed again]
Hazel's roommate: Hazel, wake up. Are you having a nightmare?
[Reaches back to shake Hazel and touches Wolf Man's beard instead]
Hazel's roommate: Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh!
[Her hair stands up on end and she screams loudly]
Hazel's roommate: Ohhhhhh!
[Throws alarm clock and smashes the mirror on top of the dresser]
Moe: [the Stooges exit the elevator] The boss says there's a burglar in the hotel and we gotta find him.
[They hear screaming and Larry flees into the elevator. The Stooges try to follow, crashing into its door, then falling backwards into the women's room. Moe and Curly see something moving under the bed covers]
Moe: There he is! Get him!
[They smack the bed with the woman in it with their mops. Woman screams]
Moe: Sorry lady. We thought you were a burgler.

Curly: Wait a minute, wait a minute! I want my tip!
Moe: Well, I'll give you one: get out!

Moe: Can you play a trombone?
[before Curly can reply]
Moe: Good, start playing.

"The Simpsons: Flaming Moe's (#3.10)" (1991)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check.
Moe: Hugh Jass! Hey, I want a Hugh Jass! Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh Jass: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh Jass: What can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta back-fired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh Jass: All right. Better luck next time.
[hangs up]
Hugh Jass: What a nice young man.

Moe: Hey, Homer came up with the drink, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.

Moe: Don't worry, I learned how to make plenty of drinks at bartending school.
[reading off an old mixed drink recipe list]
Moe: Gin and... tonic? Do they mix?

Moe: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

Rhythm and Weep (1946)
Moe: Take off your clothes
Curly: Parden me?
Moe: I said take off your clothes
Curly: What? How dare you? I don't even know your name.
Moe: The names Mike Lippincranz. Now off come the clothes.

Moe: Well this is the 26th theatre we have been thrown out of this month. What does that leave us?
Larry: Four more theatres...
Curly: Except February which has 28.
Moe: Quiet!

Moe: If you're going to bump yourself off in an hour, what's the idea of eating pie?
Curly: So I can di-gest right. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Moe, Curly, Larry: [dressed up like ballerinas, sing-song] We're dressed like ballerinas, of course you know we're not, and what you're about to see now folks, is something we ain't got.

Whoops, I'm an Indian! (1936)
[while posing as indians]
Moe: How.
Larry: How.
Curly: And how!

Moe: How would you like an ermine wrap?
Curly: Really? You mean it?
Moe: Yeah...
[slaps him]
Curly: Ow!
Moe: That's the wrap!

Moe: [to Larry] Now, you go out and get a moose and a few meeces. I'll run down an elk.
Curly: I'll try to find a Knights of Columbus.

Moe: What'd you do with the money?
Curly: I threw it away so I could run faster.

"The Simpsons: My Fare Lady (#26.14)" (2015)
Moe Szyslak: Thanks, guys, for getting me this job after destroying my bar. I'll never forget or forgive what you did for and to me. So thanks a lot. Also, thanks a lot!

Moe Szyslak: [after Lenny and Carl leave] Oh, suddenly they're too good for me?
Homer Simpson: Well, some people still act like they're still in grade school.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, so now you're going to throw your grade school education on my face?
Homer Simpson: You know what, Moe? You're a real jerk! I didn't mind it when it came with beer.
Moe Szyslak: I don't need you. I'm all the company I need.
[Sees reflection on tureen]
Moe Szyslak: Ugh! Suddenly I lost my appetite.

Marge Simpson: You know, we've all be happier if we both quit our jobs.
Moe Szyslak: You know what, Midge? You're right. I'm gonna rebuild my bar better than before.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, my God! I don't remember it being this bad!

Russian Cab Driver: So, you return from a hard day of taking our jobs to your lover.
Marge Simpson: He's not my lover.
Moe Szyslak: Let the man speak!

"The Simpsons: Moe'N'A Lisa (#18.6)" (2006)
Moe Szyslak: Ooh, you have clear water! Swanky!

Lisa Simpson: Moe, you are a heartless jerk!
Moe Szyslak: Whoa, where did that come from? Oh, right. My actions.

Tom Wolfe: Moe, which writer has influenced you? Jack Kerouac? Chuck Bukowski? Me, Tom Wolfe?
Moe Szyslak: Well, the last book I read was Superhound: the Guide to Dograce Betting. Any of you wetnaps wrote that?

Moe Szyslak: Here I am all depressed, when I'm surrounded by the happiest people in the world, writers.

Heavenly Daze (1948)
Moe: Hey, there's something funny going on around here... I got it, you know Shemp said he was coming back to Earth to haunt us.
Larry: Ah let him come, I ain't afraid of that fat head.
[Shemp hits Larry in the stomach and the head]
Larry: Moe, why'd you hit me for?
Moe: I didn't touch you.
Larry: That's what I was afraid of. Shemp's here! It's him! His ghost just hit me!

Moe: I sure hope the DePuysters will be impressed by our butler.
Shemp: If you HAVE a butler after I'm done giving him the business.

Larry: Why would anybody want a fountain pen that writes under whipped cream?
Moe: Well a... a fella can be out in the desert where there's no water to write under, can't he?

Moe: [Shemp's on fire] Hey Larry! He's been smoking in bed again! Get the water and the axe!
Shemp: Put me out!
Moe: [getting him out of bed] You nitwit, you brainless idiot you!

Movie Maniacs (1936)
Curly: How are we gonna get in pictures? We don't know nothin' about makin' movies!
Moe: There's a couple of thousand people in pictures now who know nothing about it. Three more won't make any difference.

Director Cecil Z. Sweinhardt: I quit!
Moe: You can't quit.
Director Cecil Z. Sweinhardt: Why not?
Moe: You're fired.
Curly: Hey, you can't fire him.
Moe: Why not?
Curly: He quit.
[Moe slaps him]

Moe: Boy, this picture business is tougher to get into to than I figured.
Larry: Don't worry, a bad beginning is a good ending.
Curly: Soitenly! If at first you don't succeed, keep on suckin' til you do suck seed.

Moe: Cut, cut, cut. You ain't shooting the picture right.
Director Cecil Z. Sweinhardt: Why, what's the matter with it?
Moe: There's no action. It was no good from the first kiss.
Director Cecil Z. Sweinhardt: Kiss? What do you know about kisses?
Moe: [turns to Curly] Tell him what we know about kisses.
Curly: Uh...
Moe: That's enough!

Three Loan Wolves (1946)
Larry: [Larry's holding a guitar. He bows to an imaginary audience and Moe walks up behind him and kicks him] Hey, what's the big idea? I was about to play Comin' Through the Corn.
Curly: You mean Rye.
Larry: The way I play it, it's Corn.
Moe: Where'd you get that?
Larry: This cost 50 bucks. A genuine stratosphere.
Moe: Stratosphere? Go play some air.

Moe: Hey Larry, come here.
Larry: I can't, I'm busy.
Moe: Well drop what you're doing and come here.
[Larry, holding a stack of dishes, shrugs]
Larry: Okay, if you say so.
[Larry drops the dishes and they smash on the floor]
Larry: [approaching Moe] Yeah?
Moe: What's the big idea?
Larry: You told me to drop what I was doing, so I did.

Moe: Quiet little baby, quiet... quiet little angel... quiet angel or I'll break your neck!

Moe: Get that kid a bottle with a nipple on it and milk in it. That's an order.
Curly: Aye aye.
Moe: Aye Aye?
Curly: Aye Aye
[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]
Curly: Aiee! Aiee!

Loco Boy Makes Good (1942)
Larry: [thrown out of a hotel where the rent's $1 a month] He can't throw us out just because we're eight months behind on the rent.
Moe: But he did. I'm going back in to get my other shirt.
Curly: Get my other pair of socks too, they're standing up behind the stove.

Moe: Wait a minute, Shylock, she'll have the money on time.
Curly: Yeah and I'll see that you get it too, me, myself, I personally, I'll guarantee it personally, see?
Mr. Scroggins: And who are you?
Moe: Who is he? Why he's one of the biggest steelmen in the country. He'd steal any... I mean his steel is known from coast to coast. Will E. Steel.
Curly: And how!

Moe: Say, did you notice the beautiful watch Scroggins had on?
Curly: Notice it?
[pulls it out]
Curly: I got it! We can buy paint and wallpaper, I won't need this soap anymore!

Moe: [Curly slips on the soap] Hey kid, are ya hurt?
Curly: Yeah, but I don't care!

The Hot Scots (1948)
Moe: All right, take it easy son, I just wanted to ask you a question. What would you rather have? a shoe full of dollar bills, or two socks of fives?
Shemp: I'll take the two socks!
Moe: You got em!

The Earl: Say, what part of Scotland are you from?
Moe: He's from southern Scotland, below the McMason McDixon Line.

Lorna Doone: I thought you might be a wee bit lonesome, so I brought some cookies. You like cookies?
Moe: Oh that I do, especially blonde ones.

Shemp: I oughta take something for my nerves.
Moe: Like what?
Shemp: A trip home.

A Pain in the Pullman (1936)
Johnson: [hearing the monkey] What's that noise?
Moe: Aw, ya shouldn't believe everything ya hear.

Moe: [to Larry] Hey, you! Wake up and go to sleep.

Curly: [looking in a cookbook with their monkey Joe on his shoulder] There's someplace in this book that says how to cook a monkey.
[Joe lightly raps him on the head a few times]
Moe: Joe's right, we can't eat the act.

Moe: [Looking at the dish of crab] Well, wise guys, what is it?
Larry: It's a spider.
Curly: Toitle!

Half-Wits Holiday (1947)
Moe: But we're organized.
[holds up a card with the letters AAM on it]
Moe: The Amalgamated Association of Morons. Local six and seven eighths.
Moe, Curly, Larry: We are morons! Tried and true! We will do our yell for you!

Prof. Quackenbush: How would you boys like to make $1,000?
Moe: Who do you have to murder?
Prof. Quackenbush: Oh, nothing like that. All you have to do is let me make gentlemen of you.
[the Stooges all flinch in horror]
Larry: No, no! Not that!
Curly: Our father would never forgive us.
Larry: There ain't been a gentleman in our family for fifty generations.
Moe: Quit bragging.

Curly: There's a hair in my soup.
Moe: You're crazy. That's a crack in your plate.
Curly: I never saw a crack go that way.
[he makes a curving motion with his hand]
Moe: Well, that's neither hair nor there.

Mrs. Smythe-Smythe: [Moe hides a pie he was holding by sticking it to the ceiling] My dear man. Do tell me about yourself.
Moe: Well you see... well that is...
[looks up to see the pie unsticking]
Moe: would you pardon me.
Mrs. Smythe-Smythe: If you don't tell me about this metamorphosis. I will always feel that I've missed something.
Moe: Lady, if you don't go right now, you're not going to miss anything.
[starts to walk away, Mrs. Smythe-Smythe stops him]
Mrs. Smythe-Smythe: What's wrong? You act as though the Sword of Demacles is hanging over your head.
Moe: Lady, you must be psychic.
[walks away]
Mrs. Smythe-Smythe: I wonder what's wrong with that man?
[looks up and the pie unsticks and falls on her face]

Punch Drunks (1934)
Girl: Could you help me? I'm in a terrible dilemma.
Moe: Yeah, I don't care much for these foreign cars myself.
Girl: No, I mean I'm stuck . . .
Moe: On me? Aw, that's what all the girls say.
Girl: No, silly. Stuck in the mud.
Moe: Uh, yeah.

[KO Stradivarius tries to leave the boxing ring but gets caught in the ropes]
KO Stradivarius: Time out! Time out!
Moe: I suppose you'll want the afternoon off.

Curley: What'll ya have?
Moe: I'll have four pieces of burnt toast and a rotten egg.
Curley: Why do you want that?
Moe: I gotta tapeworm and it's good enough for him.

Larry: I lost my balance.
Moe: Oh, ya lost your balance, eh?
Larry: Yeah.
Moe: Well go find it!

Three Dark Horses (1952)
Moe: [yelling at Shemp] Don't be a chimp, you chump! Ya can't believe all that stuff... that's a campaign promise!

Shemp: Hey, let's eat. I'm hungry.
Moe: Me, too. I could eat a horse.
Shemp: Don't look at me!
Moe: I said a horse, not a jackass.

Moe: You can be Secretary of the Offense, you'll be Secretary of the Inferior, and I'll be Toastmaster General!

Moe: We can buy a yacht.
Larry: And go fishin'!
Moe: You got worms?
Larry: Yeah, but I'm goin' anyhow.

Plane Nuts (1933)
Ted Healy: Hey, you in the center with that spittoon haircut. What's your name?
Moe: George Washington.
Ted Healy: Are you the fellow that chopped down the cherry tree?
Moe: Nah, I ain't worked in a year and a half.

Moe: Now when the music plays "The Gates of Hell are Open," that's where you walk in.

Moe: Now, in this next scene I play the part of a count.
Ted Healy: Yeah?
Moe: I drive up to my castle on horseback.
Ted Healy: Yeah?
Moe: Up to my castle, up in my bedroom, and there's two ladies in muh bed.
Ted Healy: Yeah?
Moe: Whattaya think happens?
Ted Healy: I don't know. What happens?
Moe: I say one of you broads gotta get outta here.

Curly: What would you do if a girl kissed you?
Moe: I'd kiss her back.
Curly: What if she were a real tall girl?

"The Simpsons: The Saga of Carl (#24.21)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: It says here that Iceland is green and Greenland is icy. The Vikings switched the names to screw with people.
[All laugh; cut to them shivering in Iceland]
Moe Szyslak: Stupid Vikings! It's still pretty damn cold!
Lenny Leonard: All I brought was shorts.

Moe Szyslak: Say, have you seen our friend? He's about this tall, wears a jacket, has no visible tattoos...
Homer Simpson: Just say he's black.
Moe Szyslak: You say he's black!

Moe Szyslak: [as Lenny fights Carl] When the nice ones snap, it's always a good show.

Moe Szyslak: Take a break from your dreary lives and listen to Americans lecture you.

Don't Throw That Knife (1951)
Moe: Larry you play part of the husband of the house, you play his wife.
Shemp: Oh, no I wouldn't be his wife.
Larry: Why not?
Shemp: You're not my type.

Moe: [Shemp and Larry are pretending to be a couple] Good morning what is your name please?
Shemp: Shempena Howard.
Moe: Well married or single?
Shemp: Married and this is my husband, the rat.
Larry: Cut it out.
Moe: Tell me Sir, have you any children?
Larry: [Larry counts his fingers] No children.
Moe: Where were you born, madam?
Shemp: In the hospital.
Moe: Hospital?
Shemp: Yes, I want to be near my mother.

Larry: What does your husband do?
Lucy Wyckoff: He's an expert in legerdemain.
Larry: Legerdemain. Oh, a bookkeeper.
Lucy Wyckoff: No, he's a prestidigitator.
Shemp: Oh, a pants presser?
Moe: Are you guys ignorant? Didn't you hear the lady say? He presses refrigerators.
Shemp, Larry: Oh!
Lucy Wyckoff: No, no, no. We do an illusion act in vaudeville. He's a magician. He makes things disappear.
Shemp: I got an uncle who can make things disappear.
Moe: Is he a magician?
Shemp: No, he's a kleptomaniac.

Moe: Remember, we're census takers, not ordinary idiots.

Hold That Lion! (1947)
Larry: I smell somethin' awful.
Moe: You telling me? Why don'tcha use cologne?

Moe: Say, what's another word for "scrutiny"?
Shemp: Scrutiny.

Shemp, Larry, Moe: We'll get the filthy moocher, The Moola, the Geidas, No Slippery guy named Slipp, Is ever gonna' cheat-us, A-zee, a-zie, a-zoh!

Shemp: [with a fish bowl on his head, he mumbles inaudibly]
Moe: What did he say?
Larry: [mimics inaudible mumbling]
Moe: [smacks Larry] Get out of here!

An Ache in Every Stake (1941)
Moe: [washing a turkey, singing] Nice little turkey, getting his bath at 7:30, and will be done by 8 o' clooock.
[turkey sprays him]

Moe: [singing] We baked you a birthday cake...
Larry: If you get a tummy ache...
Curly: And you moan and groan and woe...
Moe, Larry, Curly: Don't forget we told you so! Happy birthday!

Larry: [hands Curly a block of ice] Here.
Moe: [hands Curly another block of ice] Here!
Curly: Here?
Moe: No, up there!
Curly: Nyaaaah!

Larry: [Accidentally hits Moe with an ax] I'm sorry Moe I didn't know you were standing there.
Moe: Oh that's alright kid accidents can happen to the best of families.
Larry: [Moe grabs Larry's head with ice tongs] Oh Moe ow ow!

Back to the Woods (1937)
Larry: [an imaginary horse race] They're off! Who's in the quarter?
Curly: Whopper!
Larry: Who's in the half?
Curly: Whopper!
Larry: Who's in the stretch?
Curly: Whopper!
Larry: Who's the winner?
Curly: Rosemont!
Moe: Who's the winner?
Curly: Rosemont.
[Moe slaps him]

Moe: Fire at will!
Curly: Which one is Will?

Judge: Ye are accused of doing battle with his Majesty's guards. What say ye to the charge?
Larry: I can explain, judge. you see-eth, it was like this-eth. I...
Judge: Guilty! I sentence ye to Newcape prison for forty years! ye to forty-five! Ye to fifty!
Moe: Forty?
Larry: Forty-five?
Curly: Fifty? I got fifty. Fifty. Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, do I hear fifty-five, do I hear fifty five? Going once, twice, do I hear fifty-five? Who'll make it fifty-five?
Judge: [breaks gavel] I shall!
Curly: Thank you. I... Woo!
Judge: Fifty-five years for the lot of ye at hard labor!
Prosecutor: But your lordship, t'would cost the crown a pretty penny to feed yon wastrels for fifty-five years! Why not send him to our colonies in America to fight the redskin savage?
Curly: Oh, I just love corned beef and savage!
Judge: Silence! I now sentence ye knaves to defend our colonists from the savages!
Moe: Gadzooks! They'll scalp us alive!
Curly: Not me! Nyuk nyuk!

Moe: [to Faith] All my life I have been looking for a maid like thee, Toots.

Three Pests in a Mess (1945)
Larry: You gonna hit him with the water?
Moe: No, I'm gonna throw the water away and hit him with the bucket.
Larry: Oh.
[Moe stomps on his foot]
Larry: Ow!

Curly: Hey Moe, you know that dead guy? He just slapped me.
Moe: Like this?
[slaps Curly]
Curly: Yeah, just like that only it was on the other side.
Larry: Where's the body?
Curly: I ain't got any body, I lost it.
Moe: Well you're gonna go find it!

Curly: [tumble weed rolls past him] Somebody just ran by me.
Moe: What'd he look like?
Curly: I couldn't tell, he was on his hands and knees and had a big head full of curls...
Larry: Say, why don't we put him
[the corpse]
Larry: out in the street?
Curly: What? And have somebody run over him and kill him again?
[shakes his head]
Moe: We're gonna bury him right here!

The Tooth Will Out (1951)
Shemp Howard: Are you comfortable?
Shemp's First Patient: [mumbles]
[Moe pulls the cotton out of his mouth]
Shemp's First Patient: No.
Moe: Who asked you?

Dr. Keefer - professor of dentistry: The tuition is $5 each, or three for $25.
Moe: A rare bargain, we'll take the 25.

Moe: Easy, the mouth is at the front.
Shemp Howard: Oh, they moved it, huh?

Scrambled Brains (1951)
Larry: Wait a minute! I got a brainstorm!
Moe: Anything in his brain is a storm.

Moe: [encouraging Shemp to practice the piano] Now go on, practice like the teacher showed you. And if you're a good boy, we're gonna give you some c-a-n-d-y.
Shemp: Aw, you know I don't smoke.

Larry: [seeing the ugly woman Shemp is attracted to] I'd better have another drink; I can still see her face.
Moe: [bonks Larry on the head] Quiet.

"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: I've joined the Naval Reserve.
Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too.
Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.

[onboard a submarine]
Homer Simpson: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface.
Moe: You want to stop calling me Mr. Moe?
Homer Simpson: No.

[Homer and Moe are serving on a nuclear sub]
Homer: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
Homer: Enough of what's out. What's in?
Moe: Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.

Pop Goes the Easel (1935)
Larry: [after Moe has whistled for he and Curley to come to his side] What's the matter?
Moe: How do you spell "chrysanthemum"?
Larry: [thinks for a moment, looking confused]
Moe: Oh, ignorant, eh?
[slaps Larry, turns to Curley]
Moe: How do you spell it?
Curley: [very quickly] C-h-r-y-s-a-n-t-h-e-m-u-m.
Moe: [pause] Why weren't you here a minute ago?
[slaps Curley]

Curley: [looking up, after Moe has instructed an art student to pose as if she was looking at a group of grouse flying overhead] I don't see any grouse.
Moe: [kicks Curley] See any now?
Curley: No.
Moe: [kicks Curley again] See any now?
Curley: No.
Moe: [hits Curley on the top of the head]
Curley: Ah, look at the grouse!
[the remaining stooges look up]

Professor Fuller: Boys, to become great artists, you must start from the bottom up.
Larry: Yes?
Curley: Yes?
Moe: Yes?
Professor Fuller: So you may begin by painting this floor.
Larry: [pointing at Curly] Say, if he thinks I'm gonna paint this floor, I hope you drop dead.

Three Sappy People (1939)
[to Curly]
Moe: Why don't you get a toupee with some brains in it!

Moe: Remind me to tear out your Adam's apple!
Curly: I'll make a note of it.
[pulls out a pad of paper and a pencil]

Williams: [as stuffy butler, speaking into telephone] Is this Susquehanna, two-two-two-two?
Moe: [on doctors' switchboard] Too-too-too-too? What do ya think you're doin', bub, playing train?

The Three Stooges Meet Hercules (1962)
Larry: I wonder where we are.
Schuyler Davis: Maybe the sign will tell us.
[the sign is written entirely in Greek letters. Curly-Joe and Larry try to sound it out]
Larry: [laughs] You know, I...
Moe: I'll smash the first guy who says it's all Greek to me.
Larry: [waves a thumb at Curly-Joe] Well, it's all Greek to him.

Schuyler Davis: You know, these old Greek things certainly have lovely curves, haven't they?
Moe: These young Greek things ain't bad, either!

Curly Joe: But we're outnumbered.
Moe: You're outbrained too, but we have to try anyhow.

Violent Is the Word for Curly (1938)
Moe: [to Curly] I ought to beat your brains in, and I think I will.
[bonks Curly on the head]

[repeated line]
Moe: Super service!

Moe: Don't ya know it's bad etiquette to reach in front of a person when said person is trying to snag a morsel of food?

"The Simpsons: Judge Me Tender (#21.23)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Hey, clown! We've heard your stand-up, now how about some shut-up?
Krusty the Clown: Everyone's a comedian!
Moe Szyslak: Everyone except you!

Moe Szyslak: They love me for my bile, and I've got a spleen full.

Simon Cowell: So, how do you like L.A.?
Moe Szyslak: It's a helluva city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it on the beach.
Simon Cowell: Clever. Slightly nasty. Very impressive.

I Can Hardly Wait (1943)
Moe: Clean this ham!
Curly: I'll clean it when I'm ready!
Moe: Are you ready?
Curly: Yeah, I'm ready...

Curly: Wait a minute, wait a minute! You said you were gonna divide everything up equally!
Moe: Oh, ungrateful, eh?
Curly: Yeah!
Moe: We get a half a slice of ham and a half an egg apiece. You get a whole bone and a whole eggshell, and you're squawkin'!
Curly: I'm sorry, fellas... gee, you guys are swell to me.

Curly: [noticing the door knob hanging off his tooth] Oh!
[picks it up]
Curly: Look at that tooth! It's a whoppah! And look at that root! You know if I belonged to the Elks, I'd wear this on my watch-chain... if I had a watch-chain.
Moe: You pumpkin head! That's not your tooth, that's the door knob!
Curly: Oh... no wonder my tooth still hurts - -
[clutches his tooth in pain]
Curly: Ooh, my tooth!

Tassels in the Air (1938)
Thaddeus Smirch: Gosh, I'd sure like to help. You know, I haven't had a paintbrush in my hand for years.
Moe: Sure, you can help. Go on out there and mix us a batch of spotted paint.

Omay: How is it possible to make so much noise painting?
Moe: You don't know us guys. We make noise stuffing a mattress.

Moe: Boy are you umday!
Curly: Oh, you mean I'm Umday in pig language?
Moe: You're umday in any language.

"The Simpsons: Trash of the Titans (#9.22)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: [Pushes in front of a queue] I wanna register to run for sanitation commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town.
Clerk: Okay, but this is where you register as a sex offender.
Moe: [Arriving at the back of the queue] Oh, jeez, there's always a line.

Ray Patterson: Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying to... leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye.
Moe: He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Ray Patterson: Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but, it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye.
Moe: He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Slippery Silks (1936)
Larry: [once told they inherited their uncle's gown shop] Water... give me water.
[a car drives by and splashes all three of them]
Moe: Water you had to have, eh?
[slaps Larry]

Curly: [after having nails pulled out of his rear end] You must have left some of them in me.
Moe: Just a few little ones, you need some iron.
[Moe hammers a nail in deeper]

Moe: This idea's been in my head since I was 10 years old.
Curly: Oh, sorta aged in the wood.

Three Little Pigskins (1934)
Moe: [Curley shows up after Moe and Larry have waited five hours] Where ya been?
Curley: You told me to go to the red light, didn't you?
Moe: And?
Curley: Well, that red light was a bus going to Boston.

Lulu Banks: Girls! I got em, I got em!
Molly Gray: What, the dinner?
Lulu Banks: No, no, the three horsemen... Come in guys, and meet the girls!
Larry: [to Daisy] Honey, will you marry me?
Moe: [to Lulu] Oh toots, I'm telling you you've more than won me!
Curley: Low man again.
[sees Molly]
Curley: Woo, woo, woo!

Joe Stacks: Do you guys want to play football for me?
[takes out wad of money]
Joe Stacks: [Moe and Larry nod. Curley shakes his head no]
Curley: We can't play football.
Joe Stacks: Oh, I get it... You're afraid of losing your amateur status, right?
[the Three Stooges look behind them]
Joe Stacks: That's all right, I'll protect you guys.
Joe Stacks: [waves money at them] Listen... no one will ever see you play... no one will ever hear to play... we'll play behind closed doors. Well, what do you say?
[They all go to take the money]
Moe: Spread out!
[takes money]

From Nurse to Worse (1940)
Curly: That's my favorite dollar!
Moe: What do you mean your favorite dollar?
Curly: I raised it from a cent, now cut it out!

Moe: [to Curly] Come on, Hydrophobia.

[the stooges are hiding on a stretcher under a blanket in the morgue. Two orderlies enter the room and see what they believe are cadavers]
Orderly: [to younger orderly] Move these bodies to the crematory.
Orderly: Yes sir, the crematory.
Curly: Crematory?
[younger orderly listens with shock]
Moe: Boy that's a real hot foot!
Larry: Let's get outta here!
[they throw the blanket off and run off, prompting the younger orderly to scream in fear]

A Bird in the Head (1946)
Moe: Say, are you scared?
Curly: No. Its silly to be scared.
Larry: It sure is!
Curly: Boy, am I silly...

Moe: A bird in the head is worth two in a bush.

Moe: [a mad scientist is after Curly] Hey, he's gonna grab Curly.
Larry: Yeah, we'd better do something.
Moe: He'll take him to the lab, won't he?
Larry: Yes.
Moe: Well, we'll ambush him.
[Moe grabs Larry's ears and wrings them]
Moe: Then we'll "infilterate" him.
[Moe runs his fingers up Larry's face]
Moe: Then we'll give him the old pincers movement.
[Moe smacks Larry's cheeks and forehead in rapid succession]
Larry: [stopping Moe] Wait a minute! Save that for him!

Nutty But Nice (1940)
Moe: Hiya, doctor.
Dr. Walters: Hi, what have you today boys?
Moe: Tell him what we have.
Curly: Well, doc I've a terrific pain right here. Everytime I squeeze my Adam's Apple I can taste cider.

Larry: We're trapped like rats.
Moe: Speak for yourself rodent!

Curly: [Curly seems to have an arrow through his stomach] I'm dead. I'm murdered. I'm killed. I'm annihilated. What will the world do without me? What will I do without myself?
[Moe has a closer look to see that's a curved-in- the-middle fake arrow that's around his waist, he pulls it off]
Curly: I'm slaughtered. I'm annihilated. I'm destroyed. I'm barbecued. I'm done for!
[to Moe]
Curly: Can you think of anything else?
Moe: No. You covered it all.
Curly: I'm not even wounded?
Moe: That's what you think.
[strikes him in the gut with the fake arrow]

"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
[the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk into Moe's bar in their underwear]
Anthony Kiedis: What's up, Moe.
Flea: HEY MOE!
Moe Szyslak: Hey! You guys can't come in here dressed like that!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: [In his underwear] Get with the time, Moe.
Chief Wiggum: [In his underwear] Yeah, I say if it feels good, do it.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Alright.
[stretches Wiggum's underwear and snaps him with them - laughs histerically]
Chief Wiggum: Don't snap my undies.

[the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar]
Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special?
Flea: Sure, if you can get us outta this gig.
Bart: No problemo.
[Bart points to the wall behind Moe]
Bart: Hey Moe, look over there.
Moe: What? What am I looking at?
[Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door]
Moe: I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it?
[Homer walks into the bar]
Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
Homer: My wallet's in the car.
[He runs outside]
Moe: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...

Anthony Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.
Moe: It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is getting restless.
Barney: [flicking a lighter] We want chilly-willy. We want chilly-willy.

The Three Stooges in Orbit (1962)
Moe: How are we checked for gas?
Curly-Joe: Well, the arrow's pointing halfway. I don't know whether its half empty or half full.

Moe: The visibility is zero.
Curly-Joe: Yeah, and we can't see either!

Moe: What do you normally do when somebody mails you a bomb?
Curly-Joe: I mail it back.

"The Simpsons: New Kid on the Block (#4.8)" (1992)
[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
[calling out]
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

Laura Powers: Hello I'd like to speak to Mrs Tinkle, first name,
[Bart whispers in Laura's ear]
Laura Powers: Ivana.
Moe: Hold on just a sec. Ivana tinkle? Ivana tinkle? Everybody put down their glasses Ivana tinkle?
[Bar Patrons Laugh and so do Laura and Bart]

Moe: Oh, I better get back and check on Barney.
Barney: [drinking beer straight from the tap] Oh, oh, my heart stopped!
[after about 10 seconds]
Barney: There it goes.

They Stooge to Conga (1943)
Moe: [eye gouges Hitler poster, to Larry] That's Schicklegruber! This place is a rat trap, we've got to get out of here!

Hans, the Nazi: Hiel Hitler!
Moe: [dressed as Hitler] Heel!

Lady: The doorbell isn't working. Can you fix it?
Moe: Can we FIX it?
Larry: Can we FIX it?
Curly: Can we?

Goof on the Roof (1953)
Shemp: [after Moe shoves the door into Shemp]
[to Moe]
Shemp: Hey, why don't you watch where you're going?
Moe: [to Shemp] Relax. I give you a hand as soon as I finish eating this jelly sandwich. I can't work on an empty stomach.
Shemp: I'm hungry too and I haven't...
Moe: Shaddup and finish your job.

Larry: [Larry has slammed the top door in Moe's face]
[to Moe]
Larry: I didn't know you were standing there, Moe. I wouldn't have slammed the door.
Moe: [to Larry] Oh, *you* slammed it? That's all right. Hey, is that a dirty spot?
Larry: Where?
Moe: Here!
[slams door in Larry's face]

Moe: How do you like that? No more jelly. I guess I'll have to eat cheese. Better get some bread.

"The Simpsons: The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase (#8.24)" (1997)
Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
Grampa: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front".

Moe: May I have this dance?
Woman: [walking away] It's all yours.

Moe: All right, I guess I might as well come clean. I'm not real good with women, and I really wanted to do ya, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's possessed by the dead spirit of my best friend's father.

"WWE Raw: Episode #20.15" (2012)
Moe: Hey, it's Santino Marella.
Santino Marella: What are you guys doing here?
Moe: Well, we're on our promotional tour for our movie "The Three Stooges", which opens this Friday, April 13th.
Larry: Yeah, and the studio asked us if we wouldn't mind being shipped up to D.C. for WWE RAW.
Curly: So we said soitenly. Then we woke up in that box somewhere over Kansas. Nyuk nyuk.
Santino Marella: The Larry, the Curly, and the Moe. Let me ask you this: what are you three knuckleheads having planned for the live studio audience tonight?
Moe: Oh, well we, uh... what's the plan?
[Moe slaps Larry]
Larry: Hey, what's the plan?
[Larry slaps Curly]
Curly: Ooh! What's the plan?
[Curly slaps Santino; Santino in turn slaps all three in a row]
Santino Marella: You guys come here and you don't even have plans?
Larry: No, I... I was planning on catching up with the WWE Divas. You know, exchanging some hair tips, maybe taking them out to Chinese food and seeing where things end up.
Moe: [holding his fist out] See where this ends up.
[Larry slaps Moe's fist; Moe's arm winds around in a circle and bonks Larry on the head]
Santino Marella: Hey, I like that move! Can I borrow that sometime?
Moe: Oh, sure. Anytime, Santino. Now wait a minute, can you show me your cobra move?
Santino Marella: [laughs] Okay, no problem.
[Santino demonstrates as he talks]
Santino Marella: First you do this.
Moe: [copying Santino] Go like that.
Santino Marella: Followed by this. Don't forget this. And of course, there's this.

Moe: Now, wait a minute. What about a variation on the move?
[Moe extends his index and middle fingers]
Santino Marella: That's not a cobra if you do that.
Moe: No, it's the Moe-bra.
[Moe eye-pokes Curly]

Curly: I never got my in-flight meal.
Moe: Here's a knuckle sandwich.
[slaps Curly]

"The Simpsons: Fear of Flying (#6.11)" (1994)
[after Homer has been banned from Moe's, a man comes in who looks exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and an English voice]
Guy N. Cognito: Greetings good men, might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe: Oh get out of here, Homer!
Guy N. Cognito: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy N. Cognito.
[Homer walks past Moe's, despondent. From inside comes the sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up by Moe, and he's thrown unconscious out of the bar and onto the street]
Homer: Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!
[a small, fluffy-tailed dog walks by]
Homer: That dog has a fluffy tail!
[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]
Homer: Come here, fluff!

Moe: That's it, Homer. I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore, and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.
Homer: "It's Raining Men"?
Moe: Yeah, not no more it ain't.

Guy N. Cognito: [comes into Moe's looking exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and silly voice] Hello! My name is Guy N. Cognito.
Moe: Get out of here, Homer!
[sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up and thrown unconscious into the street]
Homer: [walking along despondent until he stumbles onto Guy N. Cognito] Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!
[a small, puffy-tailed dog walks by]
Homer: That dog has a puffy tail!
[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]
Homer: Here, puff!

Wee Wee Monsieur (1938)
Moe: The landlord's threatened to throw us out.
Curly: What's he squawking about, we only owe for eight months.

Moe: "Oh boy! I'll take the blonde!"
Larry: "I'll take the brunette!"
Curly: "I'll take the black and tan!"

[after Moe conks Curly in the head with a chisel, and then apologizes]
Curly: Oh, oui, oui, oui, oui.
Moe: Oui what?
Curly: "Oui" ("We") should be more careful about what we do around here... Chisler!
[Moe conks him again]

Back from the Front (1943)
Moe: [Dressed as Hitler] Ach, ich ich ich ach, ach ze vompen ze hast haben! Ja? You fail to catch three spies! Blow out your brains!
Herr Capitan: But mein fuher, ve are nazis! Ve have no brains!
Moe: Zen vat you got, blow out!
Herr Capitan: Heil Hitler!
Moe: Hang Hitler! Ven my field marshall counts three, start blowing!
Curly: One!... What comes after one?
Moe: TWO! Never mind, fat boy, I count myself. One! Two! Th... t... t... ACHOO!
Herr Capitan: [Picks up mustache that Moe sneezed off] Oh, mein fuher!
Moe: Oh, my personality, thanks buddy.

Curly: [the Stooges are leaning over the railing of the ship] Hi, fellas! Oh, where'd you get the suntan?
Moe: Ooh, I'm seasick...
Curly: It's only mind over matter! That's all! Here, Moe, have some of my raw liver!
[Moe holds his mouth and runs away]
Curly: What's wrong with him? Hey Larry, share my raw liver, it's delicious!
[Larry runs away covering his mouth]
Curly: What's the matter with you guys? Ya can't take it!
[laughs, takes a bite of his raw liver. Suddenly realizes where he is, turns around and collapses, leaning over the railing of the ship]

Moe: [hiding on the Nazi ship with Curly and Larry] We gotta get into Nazi uniforms, somehow. If we're discovered, we're lost.
Curly: You're crazy. If we're discovered, we're found.

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Skeptic (#9.8)" (1997)
Moe Szyslak: Lisa's right, it's an angel!

Moe: Go home, science girl.
Lisa: I am home.
Moe: Good, then stay there.

Moe Szyslak: [after being crushed by a Mastodon tusk] Oh I'm paralyzed. I just hope medical science can cure me.

Fright Night (1947)
Shemp: They can't do that to us we'll call the army, we'll call the police, we'll call the marines we'll...
Moe: [to Shemp] Shaddup!
Shemp: That's what I mean I'll shaddup.

Moe: Is he hurt?
Larry: He's gone.
Moe: The poor kid, and I owe him 5 bucks.
Shemp: [Shemp suddenly revives] Wait a minute, I heard that. Gimme the 5.

"The Simpsons: The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons (#9.7)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: But, you can't leave. We're scammin' an old lady at my house, and I need a place to hide out.
Moe Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. I've been plannin' this vacation for years. I'm finally gonna see Easter Island.
Homer Simpson: Oh, right. With the giant heads.
Moe Szyslak: With the what now?

Moe: I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island.
Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads.
Moe: With the what now?

Dunked in the Deep (1949)
Larry: Pre-war?
Moe: Next war!

Larry: We're known as the fish market duet.
Moe: The fish market duet?
Shemp: Yeah, we sing for the halibut.

"The Simpsons: Four Great Women and a Manicure (#20.20)" (2009)
Selma Bouvier: [as Elizabeth I] I don't need a man, for I have England.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

Lenny: There's something in our house.
Moe Szyslak: Let's put a pick axe in its brain!
Lenny: You're in marketing. Why do you even have a pick axe?
Moe Szyslak: If you were in marketing, you'd know.

"The Simpsons: The Strong Arms of the Ma (#14.9)" (2003)
Moe Szyslak: Ugh, listen Marge, um- how can I put this delicately? I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.
Marge Simpson: [breaks jar of pickled eggs on bar counter and points jagged edge of jar at Moe] Maybe death will stop your yammering.

Moe: Well the only way I can recoup from this is...
[takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]
Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?
Moe: Oh crap.

Three Smart Saps (1942)
Moe's Dancing Partner: [Not noticing the loss of her skirt] Do you feel a draft?
Moe: Draft? No, I was exempted.

Moe: If you didn't have TB, I'd be able to get this round you.
Curly: What do you mean, TB?
Moe: Two bellies.

"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Homer: [the Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored]
Homer: Boring!
Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
Kent Brockman: [sounding bored as he calls the actions] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
[rolls eyes]
Kent Brockman: Holds it...
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
Ned Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal!
[puts Flanders into a headlock]
Principal Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
[punches Skinner in the stomach which causes him to fall down the stairs]

Marge: How did you know we were being robbed?
Lenny: The clerk here pressed the silent alarm, and we picked it up on our scanners.
Lisa: Did anyone stop that robber?
Moe: No, I don't think so.

Income Tax Sappy (1954)
Moe: You nitwit! You ruined my trophy! Now help me pick up the pieces so I can repair it.
Shemp: [holding up a piece] Here's a nice big piece.
Moe: Let me have it.
Shemp: With pleasure.
[Shemp bonks Moe on the head]

Moe: Say, Shemp, how much you gonna deduct for dependents?
Shemp: Forty-four hundred dollars.
Larry: That's eleven dependents! Who are they?
Shemp: My ex-wife and ten bartenders.
Moe: Why don't you quit kidding?
Shemp: Who's kidding?
Moe: Why, you...
[Moe moves to punch Shemp, but he ducks and Moe punches Larry]

"The New 3 Stooges: Dinopoodi (#1.156)" (1965)
Moe: Step on it lamebrains or we'll be late for the movie.
Larry: That's too bad, they're showing a cartoon.
Curly Joe: I like cartoons.

Curly Joe: Gosh, a real Dippy Ding Ding!
Moe: That's Dinopoodi ya knucklehead!
Larry: Hold it! We don't have any idea what the heck a Dinopoodi is!
Moe: Say, that's right!
Curly Joe: Well, back to the pet shop man.

Calling All Curs (1939)
Dr. Moe: [on loudspeaker] Calling Dr. Curly. Calling Dr. Curly.
Dr. Curly: What do you want?
Dr. Moe: Listen, you onion head, you march yourself in here and wash that dog.
Dr. Curly: Oh, you do it yourself.
Dr. Moe: Oh, mutiny, eh?
Dr. Curly: Yeah, and it's not out on the bounty.
[sticks out tongue and gets punched through loud speaker by Moe]
Dr. Moe: [sticks head out of loudspeaker] Now come in here like I told you.
[Curly starts to leave]
Dr. Moe: [Moe's head is stuck in loudspeaker] Hey, what a minute. I'm stuck.
Dr. Curly: Are you sure?
Dr. Moe: I'm positive I can't move.
Dr. Curly: Oh!
[plucks Moe's eyebrows]
Dr. Curly: She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me.
[Curly then pulls off loudspeaker and barks at Moe and takes off]

Dr. Moe: [cautioning Larry and Curly] On your toes, you heels!

"The Simpsons: Some Enchanted Evening (#1.13)" (1990)
Moe: [answering phone] Moe's tavern.
Bart: Hello. Is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check.
[to the bar patrons]
Moe: Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart Simpson: Is Oliver there?
Moe: Who?
Bart Simpson: Oliver Clothesoff.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff.

Saved by the Belle (1939)
Moe: [not realizing they're about to be executed] They're gonna fire a salute in our honor!
Curly: Hey, we want 21 guns!
Firing Squad Commandant: Three will be sufficient.

Curly: You know I'm temperamental.
Moe: Yeah, 95% temper, 5% mental.

The Yoke's on Me (1944)
Moe: [Curly is dancing and striking poses with some ostrich feathers] Hey, pin-up boy! Get to work, or I'll pin your ears back.

Curly: Hey, look! A pelican.
Moe: That's no pelican. It's a gander.
Curly: Mahatma Gander?
Moe: A gander. A gander! A goose's husband.
Curly: Oh.
Larry: Yeah, a papa goose.
Curly: Do they have papa and mama gooseses?
Larry: Oh, sure. And little baby gooseses, too.
Curly: Oh, I read about them. They come from Germany: the Goose-stapo.
Moe: Look, if you don't stop, I'll give you a pop.
Curly: What flavor?
Moe: Five delicious flavors.
[Moe slaps Curly]

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
[a ghostly Moe appears in the hotel's bar]
Moe Szyslak: So, what'll it be, Homer?
Homer Simpson: Moe, gimme a beer!
Moe Szyslak: No. Not unless you kill your family.
Homer Simpson: Why should I kill my family?
Moe Szyslak: Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer Simpson: You don't look so happy.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! See? Now waste your family, I'll give you a beer!

Moe: Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
Homer Simpson: Can't murder now, eating.
Moe: Oh, for crying out loud. Come on!

Gents Without Cents (1944)
[After Curly says Niagara Falls]
Moe: Niagara Falls! Slowly I turn... step by step... inch by inch...

Flo: Who are you, and what are you doing in here?
Larry: Well... we came up here to break your neck.
Flo, Mary, Shirley: [threateningly] Oh, yeah?
Curly: Wait a minute! That's before we saw you.
Moe: You see, we live in the room below. We was rehearsing our act, but you were dancing and...
Curly: [pointing to a spot on his head] The chandelier hit me in the head.
Flo: Oh, what an awful lump.
Curly: That's no lump, that's my head.

Outer Space Jitters (1957)
Sunev Girl: So you are an Earthman?
Moe: Yes ma'am.
Sunev Girl: What a terrible specimen!

Moe: I've heard of hot lips, but yours sizzle!

All Gummed Up (1947)
Shemp: Why'd ya hit me with the pestle?
Moe: You're lucky I didn't hit you with the mortar.
Larry: [laughs jokingly] The mortar the merrier!

Moe: It's tremendous!
Larry: It's colossal!
Shemp: It's putrid!

"The Simpsons: The Princess Guide (#26.15)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: She's gone!
Moe Szyslak: And she trashed my bar! No, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

Moe Szyslak: Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, broom. Goodnight jukebox that won't play a tune. Goodnight, eggs. Goodnight, dregs. Goodnight, bugs crawling up my legs. Goodnight, beer. Goodnight, mice. Goodnight princess who treats me nice.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIV (#25.2)" (2013)
Mr. Burns: Behold, the most hideous of all!
[Opens curtain to reveal Moe]
Moe Szyslak: How you doin'?
[Crowd gasps in horror]
Moe Szyslak: Anyone here from New Jersey?
[Woman raises her hand]
Moe Szyslak: I'm going there next week.
[Woman screams and faints]

Moe Szyslak: My mother's wedding ring. She gave it to me in her death bed. She also acquired it in her death bed. That was a very busy death bed.

The Three Troubledoers (1946)
Moe: [after the Stooges fall off a tandem bicycle] Were you looking where you were going?
Curly: No, I was going where I was looking.

Nell the Blacksmith: Blackie got Lem this morning. That makes six sheriffs he's killed, not counting deputies.
Moe: Oh, they never count deputies.
Larry: Hey! We're deputies!

Shivering Sherlocks (1948)
Captain Mullins: [the captian tries the lie detector on Shemp] Now then, I gotta a couple of questions I wanna ask you!
Shemp Howard: Me?
Moe Howard: Yes, and so of I. Did you or did not take that quarter out of my shoe last night?
Shemp Howard: On my honor, Moe I didn't do it.
[the alarm goes off]

[the Stooges are looking for something to pry open a locked door]
Larry Fine: [holding a crowbar] You think this'll open it?
Moe Howard: [taking crowbar] Swell. Where'd you get it?
Larry Fine: In the house.
Moe Howard: Oh...
[Moe turns around and realizes the door is open]
Moe Howard: In the house?
Larry Fine: Yeah. Can you use it?
Moe Howard: And how.
[Moe bonks Larry on the head with the crowbar]

"The Simpsons: Homer's Odyssey (#1.3)" (1990)
Moe Szyslak: Moe's Tavern.
Bart Simpson: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe Szyslak: Who?
Bart Simpson: Freely. First initials I.P.
Moe Szyslak: Hold on, I'll check. Is I.P. Freely here? I.P. Freely!

[Bart is crank calling Moe's Tavern. Moe answers the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely. First initials, I. P.
Moe: Hey, everybody, I pee freely!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XX (#21.4)" (2009)
Moe Szyslak: [as he's carried away by munchers] Little tip, you might want to wash me before you eat me.

Moe Szyslak: A little more hemoglobin, and your wife will be disrobin'.

False Alarms (1936)
Moe: Hey, did you hear a bell?
Larry: What?
Moe: I said "Did you hear a bell?"
Larry: What'd you say?
Moe: The bell! The bell!
Larry: I can't hear you on account of the bell.

Moe: Is there any gas in the tank?
Larry: The arrow's half-way. I don't know if it's half empty or half full!

Sock-a-Bye Baby (1942)
Larry: Hey, what do kids eat?
Moe: What do kids eat? That's easy. Soft stuff; no bones, no potato chips. What did you eat when you were a baby?
Curly: Weeds.

Moe: Isn't he cute?
Curly: Gee, I wonder if I looked like that when I was delivered by the stork.
Moe: When you were born, you were delivered by a buzzard.
Curly: Oh, special delivery, eh?

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe Szyslak: [not very interested] Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend, Joey Jo-Jo Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe Szyslak: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[a man runs out of Moe's crying]
Barney Gumble: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!

Homer: Moe, I've got a friend named Joey... Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[a man runs out of the bar crying]
Barney: Wait! Joey Joe Joe!

Boobs in Arms (1940)
Curly: [laughing] I think we're captured!
Moe: [laughing] They'll probably shoot us!

Moe: [laughing] Our own Army's bombarding us!
Larry: [laughing] We'll get killed!

Squareheads of the Round Table (1948)
Moe: One for all.
Shemp: And every man for himself.

Shemp: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! How do I know the dame won't scream her head off when she sees me?
Moe: I wouldn't blame her.

"The Simpsons: Eeny Teeny Maya Moe (#20.16)" (2009)
Moe Szyslak: [after Maya dumps him, Moe is cleaning his empty bar when Homer comes in] Whatsa matter, Homer?
Homer Simpson: Not a thing in the world.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
Homer Simpson: Moe, this is a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game! Sometime, when you least expect it, you'll realize that someone loved you. And that means that someone can love you again! And that'll make you smile.

Moe Szyslak: [as Moe wipes down the bar, he thinks of Maya and sighs sadly, then smiles] Hey, Homer was right.
Moe Szyslak: [Moe walks over to a picture of himself with Maya] Who'd have thought that such a little woman could make me feel so big?

"The New 3 Stooges: Dentist the Menace (#1.4)" (1965)
Larry: You know something, Moe?
Moe: What's that?
Larry: We're not gonna get out of this alive.
Moe: That's what I like about you, always such an optimist.

Moe: [after riding a scooter through the subway and crashing into people] Recognize anybody we know?

Spook Louder (1943)
Larry: How d'ya spell "fifty"?
Moe: Put 'er down for seventy-five.
Well-dressed woman: What did you say?
Moe: I said it's good to be alive!

Larry: WAIT A MINUTE! If we're the only ones here, then who's playin' the piano?
Moe: What difference does that...?
[pauses, realizing the situation]

Merry Mavericks (1951)
Shemp: All right, sister, get going or I'll knock your brains out.
Moe: Hey, is that a way to talk to a lady?
[Shemp politely removes his hat]
Shemp: All right, sister, get going or I'll knock your brains out.
Moe: That's better.

Shemp: Hey Moe, I don't like this.
Larry: Yeah. Suppose that old chief comes back looking for his head.
Moe: Cut it out. That spook stuff is all a lot of foolishness. What's the matter, you scared?
Larry: No, just apprehensive.
Moe: Oh.
[Moe flinches]
Moe: That's a mighty fancy word. What does that "apprehensive" mean?
Larry: It means you're scared, with a college education.
Moe: Oh. You're pretty smart.
Larry: Oh, yeah.
Moe: [holds out his hand] What's that?
Larry: That's a hand.
Moe: [balls his hand into a fist] Good. What's that?
Larry: That's a fist.
[Moe punches Shemp in the eye]
Moe: What was that?
Larry: A punch in the eye.
Moe: Right.
[Moe punches Larry in the eye]

Pardon My Backfire (1953)
Moe: Sit down. Eat your dinner like a gentleman.
Shemp: I'll eat, but I'll promise nothing.

Shemp: [about a customer's car] You know, I think they hit something.
Moe: Listen, every time you think, you weaken the nation.

"The Simpsons: Homer the Moe (#13.3)" (2001)
Moe: You can't run a bar in your garage, it's illegal.
Homer: Bar? This isn't a bar. This is a hunting club.
Michael Stipe: You lied to us.
[Michael Stipe smashes a beer bottle and tries to attack Homer]
Peter Buck: Michael, no.
Mike Mills: It's not the R.E.M. way.
Michael Stipe: You're right. Come on, let's recycle these shards and get out of here.

Moe: It's like my dad always said: eventually, everybody gets shot.

Monkey Businessmen (1946)
Moe: [after a loud crash is heard in the other room, you see Curly with a ladder fallen down on top of him] You lame brain, why don't you be careful when you climb up a ladder?
Curly: I only climbed up seven steps.
Moe: That ladder had six!
[slaps Curly on top of the head]
Smiling Sam McGann: What's going on here?
[Moe and Larry drop the pipes they are holding onto Curly's head]
Smiling Sam McGann: Listen, you jugheads. The lights are still out in my office. I want juice and I want it right away!
Curly: Here you are.
[hands Smiling Sam McGann a wire with the end stripped, McGann holds it and gets electrocuted]
Smiling Sam McGann: Ohhh! Ow! Ohhhhhh! Ow!
[lets go of the wire]
Smiling Sam McGann: You jugheads pick up that stuff and get to work or I'll strangle ya!
[they pick up the pipes and accidentally hit him in the head, knocking him senseless, they guide him through the door]
Moe: We'll take care of everything.
[closes the door]
Moe: Keep smiling, McGann.

Moe: We'll fool that guy. We'll cut through your skull so fast, he won't know the difference.
Curly: What about me?
Moe: You won't know the difference either.

All the World's a Stooge (1941)
Moe: Make everything spink and spank.

Moe: Hey, after all, I'm the sturgeon! Give me a little room!

Yes, We Have No Bonanza (1939)
Curly: I'll cook the supper. How about scrambled eggs smothered in steak?
Moe: Sounds swell to me. Where are the eggs?
Curly: On top of the burro, so they'll be nice and fresh in the sun.
Moe: Yeah, we'll... get goin' before we starve here. C'mon.
Curly: Oh, fresh henfruit. Handle with care.
[tosses eggs to Moe]
Curly: A sack of flour comin' down!
[tosses sack of flour down. Moe is forced to drop the eggs to catch the flour]
Moe: Ya nitwit, now you broke the eggs!
[Newly hatched chicks are walking around the broken eggs]
Curly: So what? We'll have steak smothered in lamb chops... and maybe chicken on the side! Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
Moe: Well, you fix it, I've got some prospecting to do. Hand me down that dynamite, and be careful!
Curly: I'll handle it as if it were eggs!... I mean, I'll be careful!

Moe: One beer!
Curly: One beer coming up.
[fills mug and holds it up in the air with one hand]
Curly: 87,54,33 hike!
[throws the mug horizontally to Moe who catches it and puts it on the table]
Larry: Draw one!
Curly: Draw one!
[fills mug and holds it up in the air with one hand]
Curly: Hike! On the way!
[throws the mug to Larry who catches it the wrong way, the contents of the mug fly out onto Moe, getting him soaked]
Larry: I'm sorry, Moe.
Moe: Don't worry, it was just an accident.
[grabs the beer mug and smashes it on Larry's head]
Moe: That was no accident. Who did you think I was, a customer?
[grabs him by the hair]

"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)
Moe: Enough chit-chat, let's see how you like flaming garbage!

Moe: Homer's right! We're gettin' the Joan Collins special!

Who Done It? (1949)
Moe: We're detectives. Mr. Goodrich sent for us.
Goodrich's Niece: Oh, I'm his niece.
Shemp: The niece is nice.
Moe: Hold on, we're here on business.
Shemp: I mean business.

Moe: We're private detectives ain't we?
Larry, Shemp: Yeah!
Moe: In the movies, does a private eye ever give up?
Larry, Shemp: No!
Moe: But you softies want to quit like cowards just because you might get killed.
Larry, Shemp: Yeah!
Moe: That's a great idea, let's go!

In the Sweet Pie and Pie (1941)
Larry: Say, what do we know about society?
Moe: Well startin' tomorrow we're gonna learn. We gotta act like gentlemen so these dames we married won't have any excuse for throwing us out.
Curly: You mean to say I can't go to sleep with my shoes on?
Moe: That's exactly what I mean now get to bed, like a gentleman.

Moe: Hey, hey, hey you'd better watch that cough first you know you'll wind up with pneumonia.
Larry: They say strawberries are good for a cold.
The Warden: Strawberries won't be in season for six months.
Moe: We'll wait.
Curly: We'll wait.
Larry: We'll wait.
The Warden: Just a minute!

"The Simpsons: Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (#11.18)" (2000)
Barney Gumble: Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behaviour over the last twenty years.
Moe: No, that's okay, Barn.
Barney Gumble: No it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
Moe: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.

Moe: [Homer arrives at Moe's] Hey Homer!
[as Homer starts to sit down]
Moe: Oh no no no, don't sit there
[wipes off another stool]
Moe: take this seat right next to the tap
Homer: But that's Barney's seat! Are you trying to make me the new Barney?
Moe: Hey ever bar needs a world class drunk
Lenny: Yeah someone who makes our alcoholism seem less raging
Homer: Well forget it I am not Barney!
[let's out a belch just like Barney's signature belch]
Moe: [everyone laughs at Homer] See Homer, it's not so bad, now dance rummy!
Homer: [sadly] Oh, okay
[hums a tunes while dancing in a disappointed manner]

"The Simpsons: Homer's Phobia (#8.15)" (1997)
Homer: ...And the whole steel mill was gay.
Moe: Jeez, where ya been, Homer? The whole steel *industry's* gay.

[Homer is worried that Bart will turns out gay]
Moe: Come on, don't take this so hard, Homer. You still got that other kid, uh... Lisa. Let's, uh, take her out hunting tomorrow; make her into a man.
Homer: Aw, she'd never go. She's a vegetarian.
Moe: Oh, geez! Homer, geez! You and Marge ain't cousins, are you?

I'm a Monkey's Uncle (1948)
Larry: Wake up and go to sleep!
Moe: Why you pussy-willow brain, you ruined a beautiful romance for me!

Moe: [pulling Larry's hair out in his sleep] She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me....

Cactus Makes Perfect (1942)
Gold mine 'salesman': 100,000 tons of pure gold. At $35 an ounce, think of it.
Moe: I can't. How much that in round numbers.
Curly: [Curly moves his head left to right with calculator sounds and ends with a ding, pulls calculator paper out of his mouth, reads it] That's 80 billion, 61 million and 51 cents of a fraction.

Curly: [the prospectors slip a stick of dynamite with the fuse lit through the iron door where Moe, Larry and Curly are behind, Curly picks it up] Oh, a roman candle... zhhhhhhhhh... boom! Cuckoo! 4th of July! Ha ha ha!
Moe: Hey, marblehead, you know what that thing is you're holding there? That's dynamite!
Curly: You mean the things with the... nyaaaaaaa!
[quickly slips it back through the hole in the door]

Baby Sitters Jitters (1951)
Moe: Eureka!
Shemp: You don't smell so good, either!

Moe: You're too much of an ignoramus.
Larry: Yeah, and that goes for my whole family too!

Bubble Trouble (1953)
Shemp: Why'd ya hit me with the pestle?
Moe: You're lucky I didn't hit you with the mortar.
Larry: [laughs jokingly] The mortar the merrier!

Moe: It's tremendous!
Larry: It's colossal!
Shemp: It's putrid!

Some More of Samoa (1941)
Larry: I lost the end of my shoe!
Moe: The end of a shoe ain't important!
Larry: Well this one is! I think it had my toes in it!

Moe: [Curly packs the phone in their bag] What's the idea of taking the phone?
Curly: Incase we get a call while we're out.
[phone rings, Curly answers]
Curly: Hello?
[sticks his head in the bag]
Curly: HELLO!
[Moe snaps the bag shut on his head]
Curly: YEOW!

Hula-La-La (1951)
Moe: You know, for an imbecile, you've got some brains.
Larry: Thanks. Are they showing?
[Moe slaps Larry's head]

Moe: These girls have their andaleys mixed up with their pirouettes, & their fortissimos mixed up with the allegrettos.
Shemp: Yeah, but what's wrong with their dancin'?

Grips, Grunts and Groans (1937)
Moe: What's a matter, kid, ya nervous?
Curly: Nooo, I'm scared.

Moe: Listen, Bustoff you can't drink that. That's alcohol.
Ivan Bustoff: That's not alcohol. That's just a little tequila, vodka and cognac.
Curly: Oh, that's different go ahead.

Shot in the Frontier (1954)
Moe: Mama loved Papa... Papa loved women... Mama caught Papa with two girls in swimmin'.

Moe: I'm a-stayin'... and I'm a-fightin'... to your last breath!

"The Simpsons: Miracle on Evergreen Terrace (#9.10)" (1997)
Moe Szyslak: Ah, sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer Simpson: [drunk] Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always, Moe.

Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.

"The Simpsons: E Pluribus Wiggum (#19.10)" (2008)
Reporter: Are you a registered voter?
Moe: I'm a registered something.

"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Boy, this voice-over stuff is kiling me. Whatever they pay Don Pardo for this, it ain't enough.
Don Pardo: I make more than you can possibly imagine, and I'm making it right now!
Moe Szyslak: Where are you?

A Snitch in Time (1950)
[first lines]
Larry: Hey, Moe. Moe.
Moe Howard: What?
Larry: I finished the drawer.
Moe Howard: Well, what do you want me to do, kiss you?
Larry: Well...
Moe Howard: [slaps Larry's forehead] Go on! Put it over there.

Beer Barrel Polecats (1946)
[first lines]
Larry: [exiting cocktail lounge] How do you like that? No beer! You know, this is the sixteenth place we've been in?
Moe: Yeah, there ain't a bottle of beer in town.

"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)
Moe Szyslak: I like creating disappointment. You know that little moment when people's hope dies? I feed on that.

"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: Can't talk now. Texting.
Moe Szyslak: Ooh, a text. Heh. Let's see... text message for I.M. A. Weiner. As you can all see, I.M. A. Weiner.
Barney Gumble: [the barflies all laugh] I see it, Moe!
Moe Szyslak: Why you... when I...
Moe Szyslak: "When I a hold of you..." Oh, damn it, I typed a 'F' and not a 'D'. Uh... delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIII (#24.2)" (2012)
Moe Szyslak: [after being decapitated, his head is kicked around by kids] Boy, soccer is even boring for the ball.

"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: [Jumping to try to kiss Katy Perry] I guess I'll just have to kiss your belly button.
[Kisses her midsection]
Katy Perry: That's not my belly button. I didn't say stop.

"The Simpsons: The Parent Rap (#13.2)" (2001)
Homer: Careful. These pants cost me 600$.
Moe: 600$?
Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
Moe: [pulls out shotgun and points it at Homer] All right, hand them over.
Homer: Moe?
Moe: Yeah, I rob now.

Higher Than a Kite (1943)
Moe: [to Curly] And what did you answer when they asked what does a navigator do?
Curly: I told them a navigator crawls through a swamp until it becomes a suitcase, and bites like this too.
[Gestures his hands with the snapping motion of an alligator's jaws, with growling imitation]
Moe: No, like this.
[Uses horizontal motion of alligator's jaws, then slaps Curly with both hands]

The Ghost Talks (1949)
Ghost of Peeping Tom: That confounded shutter.
Shemp: I shutter to think of it.
Moe: Shutter up!

Fuelin' Around (1949)
Moe: You know, he's the most intelligent imbecile I ever saw.
Shemp: Hey! How about me?
Moe: Oh you're much smarter. You're just an imbecile.

Three Arabian Nuts (1951)
Moe: I'd knock your brains out if you had any.

"The Simpsons: Homer vs. the 18th Amendment (#8.18)" (1997)
[Moe is about to open his bar on St. Patrick's day]
Moe Szyslak: All right, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are my designated drivers?
[a few guys raise their hands]
Moe Szyslak: Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates!

Horses' Collars (1935)
Moe: Sometimes you got brains.
Curly: Thank you thank you.
Larry: Don't let 'em go to your head.

"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
[Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar]
Moe Szyslak: All right, get 'em outta here. This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar.
[Moe reaches under the counter and pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar]
Moe Szyslak: See? They got their little stools and everything.

"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: I was wondering if you and your friends could tell me about baseball strategy.
Moe Szyslak: The only thing I know about strategy is that everything the manager does is crap. Unless it works, in which case he's a button pusher.
Lenny: I hate people who just push buttons all day.
Carl: You just push buttons all day.
Lenny: You know, ever since Obama came in, you have all the answers, don't you?

Three Little Sew and Sews (1939)
Moe: I'm gonna change my socks... what an experience!

"The Simpsons: Adventures in Baby-Getting (#24.3)" (2012)
Moe: When you've been around as long as I had, you get used to everything. Runaway monorails, giant sinkholes, Jeff Gordon...
Jeff Gordon: Hey, Moe.
Moe: Hey. I bet we never see him again.

Dancing Lady (1933)
Harry - Pianist: I'm the best musician in the country.
Moe - Stagehand: Yeah, but how are ya in the city?

"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.

Up in Daisy's Penthouse (1953)
Shemp: What do you think I am, a squirrel?
Moe: No, your ears are too short.

"The Simpsons: Walking Big & Tall (#26.13)" (2015)
Moe Szyslak: Our song has had her lips on half of America, even... Des Moines!

"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
Homer: [playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips] Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not?
Homer: Oh... heh, yeah.
[takes four cards]
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woohoo".
Moe: I'm in.
Lenny: I'm in.
Carl: I'm in.
Barney: I'm in.
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
[lays out cards]
Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!
[takes chips and looks at cards]
Moe: What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this *every* time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!

"The Simpsons: Postcards from the Wedge (#21.14)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: Let's have lunch at Crouching Tiger Hidden Eggroll.
Homer Simpson: No line, close to the bathrooms... I see no reason to disagree.
Bart Simpson: Smooth move, mom. Choosing the one place that doesn't serve beer.
Homer Simpson: What the... Then I wanna eat at Moe's Express.
Moe Szyslak: [to bartenders] And by express I mean express your anger at the world.

"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern, birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butts!
[the barflies laugh]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus bucket. When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyes with a corkscrew!
[Bart and Lisa roar with laughter]

"The Simpsons: What Animated Women Want (#24.17)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Do you know a way to please a woman that starts with F?
Moe: As a matter of fact, I've been reading up on this Fifty Shades of Gray, and apparently what women today want is to give her what for in the bedroom.
Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! I'll woo her with woo-hoo!
Moe: I dunno, if this is what women are into, I should be a lot more popular.

"The Simpsons: A Star Is Burns (#6.18)" (1995)
Moe: [dancing on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass.
[falls off bar]
Moe: OW, my back.

"The Robonic Stooges" (1978)
Moe: Oh oh, it's 0-0-0.

Three Missing Links (1938)
Moe: We're terrific!
Larry: We're colossal!
Curly: We're even mediocre!

Gypped in the Penthouse (1955)
Jane, the Diamond Kid: What are you looking under the bed for?
Moe: [searching for a suspected philanderer] That's where I always hide when I... Oh, never mind!

"The Simpsons: The Seemingly Never-Ending Story (#17.13)" (2006)
Moe Syzlak: [to Homer, Barney, Lenny and Carl] Listen Boozebags! I got a good thing going here. If you mess it up, I will *out* the one of you who is gay!
[the drunks then run off in a flamboyant fashion]
Moe Syzlak: [to Edna] Now, where were we?
[they resume kissing]

"The Simpsons: Catch 'Em If You Can (#15.18)" (2004)
[Bart sneaks into the "adult video" section, discovering it's really BBC mini-series/Merchant-Ivory films]
Moe: Oh yeah. Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!

"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the Lisa (#8.21)" (1997)
[looking at a corporate logo with Lisa's face]
Moe: It makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke.

"The Simpsons: Principal Charming (#2.14)" (1991)
Bart: [Bart makes a crank call to Moe's after being ordered to call his father by Skinner] Excuse me, is Homer there?
Moe: Homer? Homer who?
Bart: Homer... Sexual.
Moe: Just a minute.
[announces to the bar]
Moe: Uhh Homer Sexual? Aw come on! One of you guys has gotta be a Homer Sexual.
[Patrons laugh]
Homer Simpson: [laughing] Don't look at me.

Vagabond Loafers (1949)
Moe: [to Larry, who is covered in white powder] What do you charge to haunt a house?
Larry: How many rooms?

"The Simpsons: Tales from the Public Domain (#13.14)" (2002)
Bart Simpson: [as Hamlet] The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!
Moe Szyslak: [as Claudius] Catch my conscience? Whaa - ?
Bart Simpson: You're not supposed to hear me. That's a soliloquy.
Moe Szyslak: Oh. Well, then I'll do a soliloquy, too.
[clears his throat]
Moe Szyslak: Note to self: kill that kid.

"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
Moe Szyslak: [subbing for Mrs. Krabappel] Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". No, say "present". Anita Bath?
[the class laughs]
Moe Szyslak: All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
[the class laughs again]
Moe Szyslak: All right, fine. Fine, uh... Maya Buttreeks.
[the class laughs]
Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh... Oh, I get it. I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
[Moe runs out of the room sobbing]

"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts (#6.5)" (1994)
Birchibald T. Barlow: [on the radio] I want all of you out there to do everything in your power to see that Bob is set free!
Moe Szyslak: All right, you heard the man.
[He takes a box out from under the bar]
Moe Szyslak: Everybody, one grenade each.
Barney Gumble: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grassroots, poltical action.
Moe Szyslak: Really? You think? Okay, hand 'em back. Come on, everybody.
Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?

"The Simpsons: That '90s Show (#19.11)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Give me a beer, Moe.
Moe: I don't serve alcohol anymore. This is a cigar bar now.
Homer Simpson: Fine. Cohiba me. Leave the humidor.

"The Simpsons: The Great Wife Hope (#21.3)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: Mom, there has to be another way.
Homer Simpson: [Dressed as Marge] There certainly is. Marge Simpson reporting for duty.
[Imitates Marge's irritated murmur]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, there is no way anyone is going to fall for that.
Moe Szyslak: Well, Marge, ready to come with me to my high school reunion?
Homer Simpson: Moe, there's something I need to tell you. It's really me, Homer.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, but last year I took Barney dressed as Marge. Think how much better you'll look.
Homer Simpson: All right. But you'd better not leave me alone to talk to your friends.
Moe Szyslak: Hey, you keep talking like that and I'll leave you here right now.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror II (#3.7)" (1991)
[after picking up the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check.
[to the bar]
Moe: Hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
[the bar laughs]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute.

A Missed Fortune (1952)
[Larry uses boiling water to unglue Moe's mouth]
Moe: What are you trying to do, boil me? You think I'm a lobster?
[eye-pokes Larry]
Larry: Oh, wait a minute.
Moe: Unguard your eyes!
[Larry blocks a second eye poke, then laughs]
Larry: I fooled him.
Moe: Well, you certainly did. Pardon me.
Larry: Yes?
[Moe eye pokes Larry again]
Moe: Get away from here!

"The Simpsons: Homer's Enemy (#8.23)" (1997)
Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman.
Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...
[the rats run over to Moe's]
Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

"The Simpsons: Helter Shelter (#14.5)" (2002)
Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back - hey, would you cuddle me?
[the bar patrons laugh]
Moe: Dude, that little!
[turns to his own telegraph machine]
Moe: I'm going to drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.

"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Patty and Selma (#6.17)" (1995)
[Homer has asked Moe for a loan]
Moe: Sure, Homer, I can loan you the money. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.
Homer: Gee, Moe, that seems a bit extreme. Couldn't you just bash my brains in?
Moe: Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works?
[Pulls out a sledgehammer]
Moe: Now, let's do this thing.

"The Simpsons: Home Away from Homer (#16.20)" (2005)
Townspeople: crowd cheers as prostitutes leave Flanders' house after being told off and thrown out by Flanders
Ned Flanders: I can't believe it. Everybody knew this was happening at my house and laughed at me. Well Homer, I guess you're the only true friend I have around here.
Moe: What are you talking about? Homer's the one who informed us of the sexy going-ons.
Homer: I'm sorry Flanders I couldn't tell you. I had to do it. It was just too funny.
Ned Flanders: The bible says to cast thy food upon the waters but all I got was soggy bread.
Homer: Mmm! Soggy bre...
Ned Flanders: Homer, this is not the time for that now.
Homer: ...ead!

Crime on Their Hands (1948)
Moe: [talking to Larry] You know, porcupine, for a guy without brains, you're a genius.

Booby Dupes (1945)
[the Stooges' boat has a hole in it]
Moe: We have to bail out!
Larry: I ain't got a parachute!

"The Simpsons: The Springfield Connection (#6.23)" (1995)
Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage?
Moe Szyslak: The "garage"? Hey fellas, the "garage"! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.
Homer: Well what do you call it?
Moe Szyslak: A car hole!

"The Simpsons: A Tree Grows in Springfield (#24.6)" (2012)
Kent Brockman: A hundred-dollar bill for whoever gives me the truth about the so-called miracle tree.
Moe Szyslak: I'll take that. The tree is a fraud!
[Sees bill]
Moe Szyslak: I just got a hundred bucks! The tree is real!

"The Simpsons: Much Apu About Nothing (#7.23)" (1996)
Moe: Yeah, you said it, Barn.

Stone Age Romeos (1955)
Moe: Here' s the last known location of the dinosaur
Larry: Ah, c'mon, she's on television. I always watch Dinah Shore.

"The Simpsons: Like Father, Like Clown (#3.6)" (1991)
Moe Szyslak: [tearing up while watching Krusty and his father sing on TV] I've got something in my eye.
Barney Gumble: [offering filthy handkerchief] Here, take my hanky.
Moe Szyslak: [taking it and jumping back in shock, seeing its condition] Euueeh!

Gents in a Jam (1952)
Larry: How come you give all the orders around here?
Moe: Because I got all the brains around here. Any objections?
Larry: Yeah!
[Moe slaps Larry]
Moe: Objections overruled.

"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Moe Szyslak: My daddy was a circus freak. My mommy can't remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of each one.

Pardon My Scotch (1935)
Moe: [after brewing their Scotch] This oughta pick him up.
Curley: And lay him down, too.

"The New 3 Stooges: Get That Snack Shack Off the Track (#1.147)" (1965)
Moe: What do you think you're doing?
Curly Joe: Just sweeping off the sidewalk.
Moe: There isn't any sidewalk ya numbskull!
Curly Joe: There isn't? Whew that's a relief.
[Moe hits him in the nose with the broom]
Curly Joe: Now I know how Pinocchio felt.

Busy Buddies (1944)
Moe: If we get a penny a poster and hang 25 a day, when will we have 97 bucks?
Curly: [Curly moves his finger around like an imaginary pencil on paper for a while] Sunday night.
Moe: Good.
Curly: 1992.
[Moe hits him in the forehead]

Hokus Pokus (1949)
Shemp: Does my head look like a steampipe?
Moe: No. A steampipe hasn't got ears.

Pest Man Wins (1951)
Moe: [annoyed] Why don't you watch what you're doing?
Shemp: Why don't you do what you're watching?

"The Simpsons: Homer the Smithers (#7.17)" (1996)
Moe Szyslak: [Mr. Burns has sent Smithers on vacation. Deciding he needs him back, he tries to call him, but, not knowing how to use a telephone, he simply dials the name S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. It turns out he has dialed Moe's Tavern] Moe's Tavern.
Montgomery Burns: Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon?
Moe Szyslak: [Thinking it is a crank call] Oh, Waylon Smithers, huh? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove'em down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap of out you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

Booty and the Beast (1953)
Larry: Hey, how do you spell "garage"? With a G or a J?
Shemp: With a "G", you idiot. G-A-R-A-J.
Larry: Oh!
Moe: Fine speller you turned out to be. "G-A-R-A-J". Don't you know there's an "E" on the end of it?
Shemp: Hmm. You just made that up.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Pony (#3.8)" (1991)
Homer: Moe, gimme a beer quick. I've got five minutes before the music store closes.
Moe: Why don't you just go there first?
Homer: Hey, I don't tell you how to do *your* job.
Moe: Sorry, Homer.
Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, you won't get so much foam on top.
Moe: Sorry, Homer.

"The Simpsons: Take My Wife, Sleaze (#11.8)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.
Ned Flanders: I move to reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all
Ned Flanders: , we don't wanna *go* to hell.
Lenny: How 'bout The Devil's Pals.
Ned Flanders: [nervously chuckles] Nuh-no... see...
Moe Szyslak: How about the Christ punchers?
Ned Flanders: The Chri...! I-I don't think you understand my objections.
Homer Simpson: I'm the president and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets.
[Homer hold up a jacket with Hell's Satans imprinted on the back]
Lenny: Ooo, machine wash warm.
Carl: Tumble dry... Oooh lah lah.

"The Simpsons: Kill Gil, Volumes I & II (#18.9)" (2006)
Moe Szyslak: Don't you dumb dames know that all figure skaters are twinkly in the lutz?
Elvis Stojko: That is such a misconception. For your information, I have a girlfriend in Vancouver.
Moe Szyslak: Fake girlfriend, fake city.

4 for Texas (1963)
Moe: Captain, help me out, will you? I'm dealing with two mental midgets here. Now, when I say "go", we'll all point to the right. Go!
[they all point in different directions. Joe slaps them]
Joe Jarrett: Go!

Fifi Blows Her Top (1958)
Moe Howard: [Joe bumps into Larry spilling cocktail onto Fifi's dress]
[to Larry]
Moe Howard: Look what you have done.
Larry Fine: [pointing to Joe] He made me do it.
Joe Besser: [to Larry] You're a snitch!

"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)
Homer: [phones work from Moe's bar] Hello work. I won't be in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The holiday of...
[sees a sign on the wall]
Homer: maximum occupancy.
Moe Syzlack.: Pretty slick.
Homer: You should join my religion Moe. It's great. No Heaven. No Hell.
Moe Syzlack.: Sorry Homer.
[lifts his hands which are covered in band-aids and bites]
Moe Syzlack.: I was born a snake-handler, and I'll die a snake-handler.

How High Is Up? (1940)
Moe: [sarcastically] Three of the best riveters who ever riveted. Why didn't you tell them you were a groundhog?
Curly: Listen, you laugh when you say that!
Moe: HA, HA, HA.
[slaps Curly]

"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Moe: I can't get Artie out of my head. He's like a spy in the House of Moe.

Playing the Ponies (1937)
Moe: What's the big idea?
Curly: You told me to race him around the track and I did... and I beat him. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)
Girl with Sore Teeth: Unky Moe?
Moe Szyslak: [tries to hide in his anger] What is it, sweetheart?
Girl with Sore Teeth: My sodey is too cold and my teeth hurt.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, your teeth hurt, huh? Your teeth hurt...
[loses it]
Moe Szyslak: Well, that's too freakin' bad, you hear me! And I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' sodey too!
[the entire restaurant gasps]
Tod Flanders: [gets his ears covered] Ow, my freakin' ears!
[Ned and Maude gasp]
Maude Flanders: Oh, let's go, dear!
Ned Flanders: Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's but not here!

Pardon My Clutch (1948)
Claude Finkle: It can be caused by excessive use of the grey matter of the brain.
Moe: Aw, must be something else.
Shemp: Sure, can't be that.

"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Moe: [Homer is about to have a triple bypass operation] Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: [after a short while] How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell, no.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 2 (#7.1)" (1995)
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No.
Moe: All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
Moe: A date.
Moe: Dinner with friends.
Moe: Dinner alone.
Moe: Watching TV alone.
Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
Moe: Sears catalog.
Moe: Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets a 'Z' (#21.2)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Bookstores don't have answers. Just creepy guys sitting at the end of the aisles.
Moe Szyslak: Hey, I've never paid to read Doris Kearns Goodwin, and I ain't gonna start now. Oh, that's good Doris right there.

"The Simpsons: Homer the Great (#6.12)" (1995)
Homer: I swear, that if I ever reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, that my stomach shall become bloated, and my head plucked of all but three hairs...
Moe Szyslak: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.
Number One: Everybody takes the same oath!

"The Simpsons: The Great Louse Detective (#14.6)" (2002)
Moe: [after beating up a Homer dummy] Who's the sociopath, now?

"The Simpsons: The Frying Game (#13.21)" (2002)
Lenny: If you ask me, Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Carl: Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?
Moe: Oh, I cannot listen to this again!

"The Simpsons: Moaning Lisa (#1.6)" (1990)
Bart Simpson: Is Jacques there?
Moe Szyslak: Who?
Bart Simpson: Jacques, last name Strap.
Moe Szyslak: Hold on. Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!

"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming (#7.9)" (1995)
[appearing on the stadium television]
Sideshow Bob: Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?
Moe: What?
Dr. Hibbert: Surely he's not talking about VH-1.
Sideshow Bob: Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation and scrimshaw. Therefore I submit to you, we abolish television, permanently!
Homer Simpson: Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, and one more thing: I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell.
[Bob cuts the link. People start to panic, then Bob reappears]
Sideshow Bob: By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VIII (#9.4)" (1997)
[Homer grabs the candleholder]
Homer Simpson: You want me? Come and get me!
Moe: Get him!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

"The Simpsons: Holidays of Future Passed (#23.9)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: This place hasn't changed a bit.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, I've been meaning to change things, but this place keeps being a crime scene.

"The Simpsons: At Long Last Leave (#23.14)" (2012)
Moe Szyslak: The monsters are here!
Marge Simpson: Moe, it's us. We've been your friends for years.
Moe Szyslak: The queen monster is coming on to me!

"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
Barney: [in Moe's Tavern] And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
[punches him out]
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barn'!
Moe: Pitt the Elder...
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
[punches him out]

"The Simpsons: No Loan Again, Naturally (#20.12)" (2009)
Moe Szyslak: Here's what you do: get the media to expose what kind of monster he really is.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah. Just like Dateline did to you.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, three times. The third was nominated for a Peabody, whatever that is.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)
Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

"The Simpsons: How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window? (#22.7)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Have you ever thought of racing that bird?
Homer Simpson: You can bet on pigeons?
Moe Szyslak: Hey, if it moves you can bet on it.
Bart Simpson: What about the Detroit Lions?
Moe Szyslak: Hey, lay off Detroit. Them people is going through Mad Max times.

"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)
Moe Szyslak: Geez, this hot rod is souped up six ways from Sunday! Never had you figured for a gearhead, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah, I'm a real expert.
Moe Szyslak: What is that, a six barrel Holley carb?
Homer Simpson: You betcha!
Moe Szyslak: Edelbrock intakes?
Homer Simpson: Nothing but.
Moe Szyslak: Myohoff lifters?
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah.
Moe Szyslak: I made that last one up.
Homer Simpson: I see.

"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Homer: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this anymore. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you - especially his children. I'm going out there!
[goes out, slams door behind him, then pops his head back in]
Homer: It was a baby ox.
Moe: He's right, you know.
Principal Skinner: [surprised] About the ox?
Moe: About everything, dammit! Hey Homer, wait up. I want to die too.
Apu: If you are going, I am going.
Barney Gumble: Me too!
[everyone assents and leaves]

The Sitter Downers (1937)
Larry: [pulling the girls names out of a hat to decide who will marry who] I got Florabell.
Florabell: Honey
[hugs Larry with spine crunching sound effect]
Florabell: Darling.
Moe: I got Corabell.
Corabell: Oh Darling.
Curly: [pulls out the hat tag] I get Stetson, which one is she?

Three Little Twirps (1943)
Curly: Gee, I haven't been to the circus since I got out of the fourth grade!
Moe: Yeah, and that was last year.

"The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (#5.1)" (1993)
Barney's Girlfriend: I would like a single plum floating in perfume and served in a man's hat.
Moe Szyslak: Sure.
[serves drink]

Gold Raiders (1951)
Shemp: He's got horse sense.
Larry: Too bad you ain't a horse.
Moe: What do you want to insult the horse for?

"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)
Moe Szyslak: Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart Simpson: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name Bea.
Moe Szyslak: Uh, yeah, just a minute. I'll check. Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem? Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney Gumble: You sure do!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXII (#23.3)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: Halloween is over, and that means one thing: the beginning of Christmas shopping season. Time to pump some blood into our failing economy.
Marge Simpson: Remember, no home-made gifts. A single sweater can cost 27 Americans their jobs.
Moe Szyslak: And don't forget, Christmas is a good time to pick up alcoholism. You have to deal with your relatives 365 days a year. Leave at least one day for your bartender.

"The Simpsons: Hungry Hungry Homer (#12.15)" (2001)
Homer: Dancing away my hunger pain... moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt... I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way...
Moe: Jeez, Homer's losing it already.
Carl: Yeah but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.

"The Simpsons: Viva Ned Flanders (#10.10)" (1999)
[Everyone wonders how Ned Flanders looks so young]
Moe Szyslak: It's holy water, right?
[Splashes holy water on face]
Moe Szyslak: Augh, it burns!

Mutts to You (1938)
Moe: I don't know. It was my idea, but I don't think much of it.

"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Not so fast. Don't forget my cut.
Homer Simpson: What cut?
Moe Szyslak: Oh, I just go around saying that hoping it's applicable. Well, off I go again.

"The Simpsons: Blood Feud (#2.22)" (1991)
Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check.
[calls to the bar]
Moe: Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Everybody in the bar: [snickers]
Moe: Listen, you little puke! One of these days I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!

Have Rocket -- Will Travel (1959)
[upon meeting a talking unicorn]
Larry: Ain't he quaint?
Moe: "Ain't"? The word is "isn't"!
Larry: Isn't he quisn't?

"The Simpsons: Homer Loves Flanders (#5.16)" (1994)
Moe Syszlak: [after Ned recognizes Moe from his charity reading to sick kids] If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt!

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Wedding (#6.19)" (1995)
Hugh St. John Alastair Parkfield: You know, I rather like this bar.
Moe: Oh, an English boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II.
Hugh St. John Alastair Parkfield: Well, we saved *your* arse in World War III.
Moe: That's true.

"The Simpsons: Mypods and Boomsticks (#20.7)" (2008)
Moe Szyslak: Homer, this is serious. That Bashir kid is Muslim, and that means he's up to something.
Homer Simpson: I really shouldn't pass judgment until I see a fictional TV show espousing your point of view.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
[Bill Clinton is playing the saxophone in a marching parade]
Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work.
Bill Clinton: Make me.

Rusty Romeos (1957)
Moe: You hold your tongue.
Joe: I can't, it's too slippery!

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Greek (#3.14)" (1992)
Homer: [Moe gets Homer's gambling winnings from his boot] I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet, Moe. Now, it's the smell of victory.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, shut up.

Horsing Around (1957)
Moe: What's the idea of spreading mashed potatoes on your bread, why don't you use butter?
Joe: That's fattening!

"The Simpsons: Bart on the Road (#7.20)" (1996)
Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you. If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran.

3 Dumb Clucks (1937)
Curly: I got an idea in the back of my head!
Curly: Well, bring it out front!
[He hits him in the head]
Moe: What is it?
Curly: You knocked it clear out!

Mummy's Dummies (1948)
Moe: I'm Honest Moe, that's Honest Shemp, and that's... well that's Larry.

What's the Matador? (1942)
Curly: Dear old Mexico, the warmth of your chilli will bring new zest to my breast, and vicea versa.
Moe: Can the chatter, or I'll give you new fingers in the eyes!
Curly: Have you got new ones?
Moe: *Holds up his two grubby fingers* What are these?
Moe: Those are the old ones!
Moe: They'll do!
[Pokes Curly in the eyes]

"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Throwing stuff! Turn your protest into a riot!
Milhouse Van Houten: How much for a tomato?
Moe Szyslak: Fresh is one dollar, rotten is two bucks.
Kirk Van Houten: Son, do you really need the rotten one?
[Milhouse looks at him eagerly]
Kirk Van Houten: Oh, all right. But don't tell your mother.

Muscle Up a Little Closer (1957)
Moe: This is a man's job.
Larry: Where will we find one?

Swing Parade of 1946 (1946)
Moe: Hello? Yes... Definitely... Absolutely... Positively, wrong number
[replaces phone]

Creeps (1956)
Moe: Who... who are you?
Red Skeleton: Me? I'm Red.
Shemp: Oh. Red Skeleton.

"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Moe: Who'd have thought a whale would be so heavy?

Uncivil War Birds (1946)
Moe: Brother, you all ejaculated a mouthful.

"The Simpsons: My Mother the Carjacker (#15.2)" (2003)
Moe Szyslak: Mrs. Simpson, when you took off, you left a hole in Homer's heart that he's been trying to fill with alcohol for 20 years. God bless ya!

Wham-Bam-Slam! (1955)
Moe: Only fools are positive.
Larry: Are you sure?
Moe: I'm positive!