Curly Howard
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Quotes for
Curly Howard (Character)
from Three Little Pigskins (1934)

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The Three Stooges (2012)
Moe: Hey, onion-head, go on back to the shed and grab the chainsaw.
Curly: Why doesn't Larry go?
Moe: 'Cause he's got a headache.
Larry: No, I don't.
[Moe bonks Larry on the head with a hammer]
Moe: How about now?
Larry: [holding his head] Yeah, it's coming on.

Moe: Mind your P's and Q's.
Curly: Don't forget to dot the I's.
Moe: Certainly.
[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]

Teddy: So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you. Better yet, I'll tweet you.
Curly: Oh! Tweet us to dinner? Soitenly!

Head Nurse: Can't you read? Visiting hours are over.
Curly: Even for family?
Head Nurse: You're related?
Curly: Yeah.
Head Nurse: How?
Curly: His mother and my mother were both mothers.

Moe: What is that gadget?
Teddy: This is an iPhone.
Curly: An eye phone?
[Curly takes the phone and holds it up to his eye]
Curly: Hello? Hello?
[Curly hands the phone back]
Curly: There's nobody there.

Larry: [the orphanage's bell falls off the roof and hits a nun on the head below] Uh-oh. Is that Sister Mary-Mengele?
Curly: I don't know, but the face rings a bell.

Curly: Shame on you, Moe, you let your pride ruin everything for us and them kids.
Moe: How dare you accuse me of having pride?

Larry: $830,000. First taker gets a three-man working machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks.
Moe: That's right. No job is too small. We'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes.
Curly: We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. Nyuk nyuk.
[Moe slaps Curly]
Moe: What's the matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print.

Larry: Hey, quit horsing around you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.
Curly: Oh, boy donuts! Where's mine?
Moe: They're small. Why don't you have two?
Curly: Okay.
[Moe sticks donuts in Curly's ears]
Curly: Oh, now look what you did, Moe! You got donut stuck in my ears!
Larry: Hey, look, you're in luck. They got a donut remover right here.
Moe: What's a donut remover?
Larry: It's one of these.
[reads the sign on the bell]
Larry: "Do-nut remove-uh."

Curly: Oh, boy. Fosters. That's Australian for beer.
Moe: Would you like that in a bottle or a mug?
Curly: I'll take it in a mug.
Moe: You got it.
[Moe slaps him]

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. The pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly: I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma toes.
[Curly and Larry laugh]
Moe: [mock laughing] Oh, coma toes, huh?
Curly: Yeah.
[Moe stomps on Curly's foot]
Moe: Are they awake now?

Curly: Oh, a pee-shooter, eh?

Larry: Hey, little fella, want a peanut? Dolphin's love peanuts, you know. Here you go. Catch.
[Larry tosses peanut to dolphin and it falls into its blow hole, the dolphin chokes]
Curly: Oh, my God! I think he's snufficatin'!
Larry: Don't worry, pal, I know the Heineken maneuver.

Moe: What are you grubworms doing?
Curly: Getting seconds on lobster.
Moe: Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach.
Curly: I dipped it in pesto-bismol.
Moe: Oh, you like dipping, eh?
Curly: Yeah.
Moe: Come here.
[Moe dips Curly's head into the water, he pulls him out with a lobster attached to his face]
Larry: Hey, look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!
Moe: What did I tell you about puns?
[Moe stuffs the lobster down Larry's pants]

Larry: Hey. Who's this lady?
Ling: That's Teddo's wife, Lydia.
Larry: Teddy's wife?
Ling: Yep. Oh, she's one lucky girl.
Larry: Then who's the guy on the end?
Ling: Oh, that's Teddo's best friend, Mac.
Curly: Well, then who's Mr. Fancy-Pants in the top hot and scarf?
Ling: That's a snowman.
Larry: Yeah, but what's his name?

Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
[Curly passes gas, everybody groans in disgust]
Curly: I'm sorry. I guess the pesto-bismol didn't work with the lobster.
Moe: Did you eat the shells again?
Curly: I don't know! It was on the plate, and then it wasn't.

[Curly puts binoculars to his eyes the wrong way]
Curly: It's Attila the Nun! She's a hundred yards out and closin' fast!
[he removes the binoculars and realizes how close Sister Mary-Mengele is]
Curly: [he wails]

Curly: Oh, you must be French. There's a lot of wee-wee.

Curly: Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Fellas, do something!
Larry: [nervously] Moe, Moe!
Moe: What's the matter with y...
Curly: Call 411
Moe: [to Larry] Quick, help me grab sister M and M before chowderhead crushes her!
[bonks to a water retainer, Curly falls on top of her, Mary-Mengele groans]
Moe: [to Curly] You, help out.
[to Larry]
Moe: You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.
[metal from the bell hits Mary-Mengele thru the bucket]
Larry: See? I told you there's too much iron in the water.
Moe: Speak to me, sis. Say a few parables!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [dizzy and hallucinating] I saved 15% on my car insurance.
Larry: She seems fine to me.
Moe: Come on, let's go see what Mother Superior wants.
[Sister Mary-Mengele's head hits the water retainer]
Moe: [groans]

Moe: Fellas, it's too high -
[Larry and Curly collide with Moe, nearly pushing him over the rooftop]
Moe: Aaah!
[Larry and Curly catch Moe by the legs and pull him back to the roof]
Moe: Why you lamebrains!
[Moe slaps Larry and Curly across their faces]
Larry: Hey, look, a fire hose! We can lower ourselves down to the ground.
Moe: The kid's right, it's foolproof! Come on.
[the Stooges unwind the fire hose and jump down to the ground below; the hose comes off its reel and the Stooges drop to the ground, landing on Teddy]
Moe, Curly, Larry: Aah-aah!
[the hose's reel hits Moe on the head as Teddy gets back on his feet]
Moe: Ow! Why don't you watch where you're going, bud?
Teddy: I'm sorry, 100 percent my fault. Sometimes I just get lost in my own head and I - Moe? Larry, Curly, is that you?
Moe: Depends who's asking.
Teddy: It's me, Teddo J. Harter.
Moe: Who?
Teddy: Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy. You remember, Moe, I went home with your parents.
Moe: What're you trying to pull? The Teddy we knew was this tall and he only had one shoe.
Larry: Yeah, and he didn't sound like you.
Teddy: Here- here, look, I got a snapshot of me and the 'rents leaving the orphanage.
[the photo shows Teddy being adopted by his new parents and Moe being taken back by the nuns]
Larry: Hey, it is you.
[Larry looks at Teddy's photo]
Larry: I was wondering, how are Moe's folks doing? They seem like good eggs.
Teddy: Yeah, well Dad's doing great, I work with him at the law firm downtown; but Mother, she passed on several years ago, hunting accident.
Moe, Curly, Larry: Oh, sure, yeah.
Teddy: So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you.
[the Stooges recoil at the mention of "poke", being unaware that it's a different kind of "poke"]
Teddy: Better yet, I'll tweet you.
Curly: Oh, tweet us to dinner? Soitanly!

Teddy: Hey, wait a minute, where are you guys living?
Moe: You know the Ritz Carlton on Oak Street?
Teddy: Oh, sure.
Curly: Yeah, we're camped out in the dumpster out back.
Larry: But not the dirty, beat-up green one. It's the shiny blue one right next to it
Teddy: Oh... You know, I've got an idea: Why don't you guys come crash at my place, just until you get your feet back on the ground?
Larry: Oh boy, that sounds terrific!
Curly: Yeah, heh.
Moe: We're not going anywhere.
Larry: What are you talking about, Moe?
Moe: Thanks Teddy Bear, but we're gonna stay put. We got too many irons in the fire right now.
Teddy: Of course you do. Hey look, I gotta get going; I'm supposed to be visiting a friend. Wait, let's get a quick pic first.
Moe: What is that gadget?
Teddy: It's an iPhone.
Curly: [squints into Teddy's iPhone] Eye-phone? Hello? Hello! There's nobody there.
Teddy: Works better on your ear. Here, come on, everybody.
Moe: Where do you think you're going?
[Moe pulls Larry's hair]
Larry: Aah!
Moe: Here, let me get- Wait a minute, wait a second.
[Moe climbs on top of Curly and Larry as they pose for a quick photo]
Teddy: Smile!
[Teddy takes the Stooges' photo]
Teddy: [Teddy chuckles] Oh, that's great. It's so good to see you guys, really. You haven't changed a bit.

Larry: [after Moe has just refused Teddy's offer to stay at his place] Hey, what- Have you got rocks in your head? Teddy was trying to help us out, and you blew him off! What gives?
Moe: We'll help ourselves out.
Larry: Well, what about the orphanage? Teddy's dad has dough, maybe he would have given us the 800,000 bucks.
Moe: We don't need handouts from that chump; we told those kids we'd come up with the cash, and that's just what we are going to do.
Larry: Yeah, how?
Moe: Well... we still got that seed money, don't we?
Curly: Seed money?
Moe: The cash Mother Superior gave us.
[Moe reaches into his shoe and pulls out the seed money]
Moe: This 72 bucks is our ticket to riches.
Curly: Riches? Woo-woo, woo-woo. How do you figure?
Moe: Well, it's seed money, right? What do you do with seeds?
Larry: Spit 'em out.
[Moe slaps Larry]
Larry: Ow!
Moe: You plant them. We'll become farmers.
Larry: Farmers? I always wanted to be a farmer.To the farm!
Curly: To the farm!
Moe: To the farm!
Larry, Moe, Curly: [Larry plays the kazoo as the Stooges sing] A farming we will go! A farming we will go, a farming we will go
Curly: Woo-hoo!
Larry, Moe, Curly: A farming we will go!

Larry: ["Turkey in the Straw" plays in the background; a sign reads "Rolling Gills, The Kings of Farm Raised Sammin"] Here's a little drink for you, Elsie.
Larry: [Larry holds a watering can over the salmon] Jonesy, you gotta hold still in order to get a drink. Hello, Maritza, you're getting your color back.
Curly: [Curly steps on a salmon to shoo the flies away] Ralphie don't look so good.
Moe: Poor guy's drying out.
Curly: Oh, good for you, Ralphie. Realizing there's a problem is half the battle, heh-heh.
Larry: Hey look, our first customer.
Curly: Woo-woo-woo.
Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: What are you doing?
Moe: Only selling the finest farm-raised salmon in the county, that's all.
Curly: Yeah, they're all free-range; no nets, no cages. They can go wherever they want.
Larry: Plus we have smoked salmon.
[Larry holds up a salmon with a cigar in its mouth]
Curly: Oh.
Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: But this is a golf course!
Larry: So what? We let 'em play through.
Curly: What's your beef?
Moe: Yeah, we're trying to save an orphanage. Look, are you here to buy fish, or are you just kicking the tires?
Larry: [a police car pulls up] Hey, do your job. Cart path only.
Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: I'll cart path you, you little -
[Moe pokes Lamson in the eyes]
Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-ah-ahh!
Curly: Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo!
[the Stooges run away]
Moe: It's the five-o, scram!
Officer Mycroft: You again!
Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-ah-ahh!
[the Stooges run off with a windmill, then throw it to the ground as they run away]
Larry: Oh, my back.
[the Stooges run through a hole in the hedge]

Moe: [riding on Curly's back and dangling a hot dog in front of him] Yah! Yah mule! Yah!
Moe: [the Stooges run into an alley] Whoa, whoa!
Moe: [Curly snorts like a horse] Easy Seabiscuit, easy!
Larry: [Larry pulls on a locked door] We're trapped like rats!
Moe: Speak for yourself, rodent.
[Moe pushes Larry aside]
Moe: We're going to need a battering ram.
[Moe and Larry look at Curly]
Officer Mycroft: You go that way, I'll go this way!
[Officers Mycroft and Armstrong split up]
Officer Armstrong: Okay!
[Armstrong wheezes as he chases the Stooges on foot]
Moe, Larry: [Moe and Larry use Curly as a battering ram against the door] Heave-ho! Heave-ho!
Curly: Oh oh, fellas, ease up, you're squeezing my ankles too tight!
Moe: Quit your whining.
Moe, Larry: Ho!
[Curly groans from the pain as the Stooges break through the metal door]

Larry: Stop it! Stop in, Moe! I've had it with you! You're the cause of all our problems since day one.
Moe: How do you figure?
Larry: You should have gone and lived with Teddy's folks back when they wanted to adopt you!
Curly: Yeah, that way you could have come back and and helped us all out.
Larry: But no, the great and powerful Moe is too lazy to squeegee the pool.
Moe: Ah, you don't know what you're talking about.
Larry: Oh no? Why do you think we never got another shot at getting adopted again? Because when you messed it up that day, you messed it up for all of us!
Moe: Look, if you two got ants in your pants, then why don't you just leave? I'm getting sick and tired of looking at your monkey faces anyhow! Being with you two is like dragging around a couple of boat anchors!
[Larry and Curly quietly gasp to themselves]
Curly: Well, fine. Then... Good-bye, Moe.
Larry: Yeah... good-bye.
Moe: Well, what are you waitin' for? Go on, scram! I bet you two earthworms won't last a day without me!
[Curly grunts in annoyance, Larry picks up a clump of hair, and they both walk out]

Curly: [Curly and Larry are standing next to an ice-cream cooler cart] Ninety percent off all our treats, folks!
Larry: We got chocolate, vanilla, strawberry! No reasonable offer will be refused!
Curly: It's remarkable! It's refreshing!
Curly: [Larry lifts the cooler lid] Nyah-ah! It's repulsive!
Curly: [Larry slaps Curly] Grr! What was that for?
Larry: I told you we'd need more ice. Hey look, a zoo! What do you say we go in and chisel a lunch?
Curly: All right.

Larry: Need some help, folks, looking for our missing friend. $3.50 reward, dead or alive.
Curly: Here you are, pal, we're missing our pal. Thank you, sir.
Larry: Hey, get over there and staple up the rest of these flyers on the pronto.
Staple in Hat Guy: [Curly hums as he staples posters to a couple of trees, then accidentally nails one on the back of a man's head] Ow!
Curly: Oh, oh...
Staple in Hat Guy: Thanks a lot, buddy, now I got a hole in my head.
Larry: Hey, quit screwing with the public.
[Larry slaps Curly]
Curly: Grr, cut it out! Who do you think you are, huh?
Larry: Oh, I see: When Moe slugs you, it's okay, but when Larry does it, it's not good enough!
Curly: No, no, no Larry, it's good enough, it's just that... you're not doing it right. When Moe hits me, it's just... I don't know, better, you know?
Larry: Ah, you got rocks in your head, I'm hitting you just the same.
Curly: No, you're not: you do this,
[Curly punches Larry in the ribs and hits Larry's face with a light uppercut]
Curly: And Moe does this.
[Curly hits Larry in the stomach with a thud, and gives Larry a harder uppercut punch to the face with a bonk]
Curly: And Moe doesn't do this,
[Curly hits Larry on the nose with a fist]
Curly: He does this.
[Curly hits Larry's nose again a little harder, with a honking sound effect]
Curly: You see?
Larry: Ah, you're right. Come on, think. Where would we go if we was Moe?
[Final Jeopardy think music plays in the background]
Curly: Home!
Larry: Home, yeah.
[Larry and Curly walk off in separate directions; Larry whistles and Curly turns around, following Larry]

Mother Superior: [sees the Stooges beating up Monsignor Ratliffe and chases them away] Get off of him! Off, off! Oh, I'm so sorry! Oopsie-daisy! Oh, oh, I'm so sorry! What are you doing?
Larry: We caught this lounge lizard getting all handsy with the nuns!
Mother Superior: This is no lounge lizard! He's here on official business.
Curly: Official business? Why didn't you say so?
Larry: [the Stooges take off their work uniforms, with boxer shorts, white shirts and bowties underneath; they clap and snap their fingers in rhythm] Pick me, I'll clip your hedges!
Moe: I'll hedge your clippers.
Curly: I'll fetch your slippers.
Moe: I'll scrub the stench right off them dentures!
Monsignor Ratliffe: You idiots!
[Msgr. Ratliffe slaps all three of them at once]
Monsignor Ratliffe: I'm not here to adopt!
Mother Superior: This is Monsignor Ratliffe from the diocese.
Moe: Oh, sorry about that, Señor Ratlips.

Larry: We'll climb mountains!
Moe: We'll forge rivers!
Curly: We'll forge checks, nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Moe: Boy, what a hothead.
Larry: Women!
Moe: Wait a second, with her hubby laid out in the hospital nursing them tire tracks, it'll be easy pickings to slide a pillow over the poor schlump's face and give him the surprise sendoff he wanted!
Larry: Good thinking! We'll be doing the guy a favor and making enough money to save the orphanage! It's like killing two birds with one pillow!
Moe: It's colossal!
Larry: It's stupendous!
Curly: It's even mediocre!
Curly: [Moe honks Curly's nose] Ow!
Moe: Say ah.
Curly: Ahh...
Larry, Curly: [Moe grabs Curly by the lip and Larry by the nose] Nyah-ah-ahh!
Moe: Come on!

Curly: [the Stooges have just entered a room] Oh, that was a close one.
Moe: What is that? What's with the light?
Larry: I got a better question: Why didn't we go live with Teddy when we had the chance? Now we got no Teddy, no seed money, no nothing.
Curly: Yeah, shame on you, Moe. You put your pride ahead of them kids.
Moe: How dare you accuse me of having pride?
Curly: Mm-mm.
Moe: Back off.
Curly: I won't.
Moe: Okay kid, you got me. You know, I'm proud of you for finally standing up for yourself. Let's shake on it.
[Moe shakes Curly's hand]
Curly: Oh.
Moe: There you go.
[Moe shoves Curly away]
Moe: Get out of here!
Moe: [to Larry] This is all your fault!
Larry: Me?
Curly: Oh, oh!
[Curly rebounds from hitting a steel pillar and knocks Moe over from behind]
Moe: You start with a - Oh, sneaking up on me, eh?
[Moe slaps Larry and Curly]
Moe: And you! Get over here!
[Moe pulls Larry's hair, then hits Curly in the gut and then over the head with his two fists]
Curly: Ohh, ohh!
Moe: What's the matter with you? Whoa, whoa!
[Larry pokes Moe in the eyes,knocking him backwards over Curly and into a steel pillar]
Moe: Why you - !
[Moe picks up a block-and tackle cargo hook and aims for Curly's head]
Curly: Moe, not that! Anything but that! Nyah-ahh-ahh!
[the hook misses Curly and hits Larry in the head]

Larry: [Larry and Curly enter the orphanage] Hello?
Curly: Anybody home?
[a TV commercial voice can be heard: "Hi, I'm Al Cerrone. Four-wheel drive SUVs just like this, with a gas saving, six-cylinder engine, only $19,995; and pickups, automatic and air, only $16,000. My promise is you'll be..."]
Larry: Sister Ricarda.
Sister Ricarda: Boys, what are you doing here?
Curly: We've been looking everywhere for Moe. Have you seen him?
Sister Ricarda: Yeah, I - I see him almost every night on TV. He's on that Jersey... beach people show.
Sister Ricarda: [Larry and Curly look at each other with surprise] You didn't know? Moe's a big celebrity now.
Curly: Oh... good for him.
Larry: Yeah... looks like he didn't need us after all... So, what happened here? Where are all the kids?
Sister Ricarda: Well, they're closing us down on Monday, so... we had to start moving everyone out.
Larry: But we told you to wait! We were gonna get the money!
Sister Ricarda: You got the money?
Curly: We got the money?
Larry: Well... no... but we're working on it.
Curly, Sister Ricarda: Oh. Oh.
Peezer: Well, at least you tried.
Larry, Curly: Peez!
[Larry and Curly chuckle, Larry gives Peezer a high five]
Larry: Thank God you're still here!
Peezer: They tried to shoo me out, but I told them I wasn't leaving without her.
Curly: Without who?
[Larry, Curly, and Peezer go into the next room where Mother Superior is praying at Murph's bedside]
Curly: Murph?
Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.
Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?
Mother Superior: Well...
Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mary-Mengele interrupts Mother Superior] I'll tell you why... Because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry: Guys, we've been at this for days now, and all I got is a hole in my shoe.
Moe: [Larry lifts his foot to reveal a hole in his shoe's sole, which is worn out] Aw, the kid's right, there must be a better way to make a living. Come on, think!
Curly: [Final Jeopardy think music plays in the background as the Stooges pace around while Curly hums, then gasps] No, no...
Curly: [Curly resumes humming, then snaps his fingers; then he goes to the sidewalk and starts spinning about on his side as if he was break-dancing] Woo! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo!
Larry: Look, he's on to something!
Moe: Spit it out, tiger!
Curly: [Curly rubs his butt on the sidewalk] I can't, it's stuck! Jar it loose, Moe!
Curly: [Moe hits Curly on the back of his neck] What about a job where you could sleep all day, meet beautiful babes at night, and make millions for doing absolutely nothing?
Moe: Oh boy, that's genius! So, what's the job?
Curly: That is the job!
Moe: Oh that - And who's going to pay you?
Curly: The boss!
Larry: You know, it's just crazy enough to work!
Moe: Why you...!
[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]
Curly: Ohh!
Moe: And you! Ow!
[Moe tries to poke Larry, but he ends up hitting Larry's sandwich board sign, Larry laughs]
Moe: Come on in here!
[Moe knocks Larry's and Curly's heads together]
Curly: Oh, oh, oh! Oh look, Moe, I think we got a customer!

Curly: Oh, oh look Moe, I think we got a customer!
[the theme from "Perry Mason" plays in the background]
Larry: Whoa, would you look at those getaway sticks!
Curly: Rowf, rowf, rowf!
[Curly pants like a dog]
Moe: Spread out!
Moe: [Lydia approaches] I'm the foreman here, what can we do for you?
Lydia: I'll pay you $830,000 for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes.
Curly: Oh, we'll take it. Who do we have to murder?
Lydia: [the Stooges chuckle] My husband.
Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-aah-aah!
[Curly's teeth chatter nervously]
Moe: Sorry lady, you came to the wrong place; we're working stiffs, not common crooks!
Lydia: But you don't understand, you will be doing him a great service.
Larry: Says who?
Mac: [Mac gets out of the car] Says me.
Moe: Who are you?
Mac: I'm her husband.
[Mac kisses Lydia]
Larry: Wait a minute, you mean to tell me she's planning your funeral, and you're okay with it?
Mac: Well, I know it all sounds a bit peculiar...
Curly: No no no, that doesn't sound peculiar, this sounds peculiar.
[Curly puts his hands to his head and shakes it around, chuckles]
Mac: [Mac groans as if he's in pain] Ow!
Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. Pain increasing daily... till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".
[Larry and Curly laugh]
Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?
Curly: Yeah.
Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!

Mac: Ohh!
Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more, pain increasing daily until I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".
[Larry and Curly laugh]
Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, "coma-toes", huh?
Curly: Yeah.
Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!
Moe: Are they awake now?
[Curly growls]
Mac: Gentlemen,
[the Stooges look around, unaware that Mac is referring to them]
Mac: Gentlemen.
Curly, Moe, Larry: Oh.
Mac: I'm sure you can understand why I... prefer to leave this world on my own terms, rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.
Moe: I don't know, it sounds illegal.
Larry: Wait a minute, legs. Did you say $830,000 bucks?
Lydia: I did.
Larry: [Larry whistles "Whew"] That's a good day's pay.
Curly: Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we' re looking for.
Moe: You're right. This must be fate, time-bomb. You can count us in!
Mac: [the Stooges shake Mac's hand] Ah, that's swell.

Larry: Mr. Harter! Just the guy I wanted to see.
Mr. Harter: I'll take the case. Please tell me it was Supercuts who did this to you.
Larry: No, it's me, Larry... Moe, Larry, Curly, remember? From the orphanage.
[Curly rhythmically claps his hands and barks]
Mr. Harter: Oh, my... goodness! Well, congratulations, you're still in remission. So... what brings you here?
Curly: Look, I'll cut to the chase, moneybags: we're in a jam. The orphanage needs 830 grand, or it's going belly-up.
Larry: Plus we got a sick kid getting fitted for angel wings.
Mr. Harter: Terrific! So, who do we sue?
Larry: Oh no, there's no one to sue; we need you to give us the money.
Curly: Yeah.
[Curly chuckles]
Larry: But we're not looking for a handout, mind ya. We'll work off every last penny right here in these halls.
Mr. Harter: [sighs] Look, I'm sorry, but, uh... I'm... committed to several other charities, and besides, I don't have that kind of money just laying around. But if you decide to sue the orphanage, I'm in.
Curly: Uh, Mr. H., please, I know what you're thinking: that we're both lazy bums like Moe, but - but we're not. Uh, some of us aren't afraid to get our hands dirty.
Mr. Harter: What? No, I never thought of Moe as lazy.
Larry: It's all right, that slug told us the whole story about why you dropped him back off.
Mr. Harter: Well, I can assure you it had nothing to do with his work ethic; he was ten. No, what - what happened was he wanted us to go back for you two, and frankly, it was... too much for us.
[Larry and Curly look at each other in amazement]
Curly: You mean... he wouldn't go without us?
Mr. Harter: No, he wouldn't. He was very adamant about wanting us to adopt all three of you, and... it was just out of the question, you understand. Anywho, got to skedaddle, late for a meeting. But if you ever do want to sue anyone for anything - a slip in the tub, a bone in the fish - I'm your guy.

Larry: We'll climb mountains!
Moe: We'll forge rivers!
Curly: We'll forge checks, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.

Moe: [the Stooges hitch a ride by hanging on to the rear bumper of Lydia's car, then they get off as they arrive at Teddy's mansion] Hey, do you smell garbage burning?
Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges look down and see that their shoe soles have been worn down and smoking from dragging on the ground; they start rapidly stamping to put out the fumes] Nyah-ah-aah!
Lydia: [gasps] What are you doing here?
Moe: We want the dough-re-mi you owe us, lady.
Curly: Yeah, 830,000 bucks.
Larry: Plus meals.
Carbunkle: May I have a moment, ma'am?
Lydia: Excuse me, gentlemen.
[Lydia goes aside to talk with Carbuncle]
Moe: Mind your P's and Q's.
Curly: But don't forget to dot the I's.
Moe: Certainly.
[Moe finger-pokes Curly in the eyes; Larry chuckles, and puts his hand up sideways to block Moe's eye poke attempt]
Larry: Nyahhh.
[Larry sticks his tongue out at Moe, who hits him on the forehead with his fist]
Larry: Ugh, ooh!
Carbunkle: [to Lydia] I'm afraid I have unfortunate news: I've just received word that Mr. Miosky was struck by a bus.
Lydia: Oh no, so Mac is dead?
Carbunkle: No.
Lydia: No? Are you sure?
Carbunkle: Oh, yes. He's still alive, but he's in bad shape. Your husband is in contact with the hospital. He said he'd call with any news.
Lydia: Thank you, Carbunkle.
[Carbunkle goes back inside]
Larry: Come on blondie, pay up. A deal's a deal!
[Lydia slaps all three Stooges with one stroke]
Lydia: Our deal was that you would get paid when my husband died, and on that count, you have failed miserably.
Moe: You mean he's still kicking?
Lydia: That's right, you idiots. You have ruined my life, now get out of here!
[Lydia knocks all three Stooges over the wall and onto the outside lawn]

Carbunkle: [checking the guest list] Madam... madam... Sir, madam.
Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges ride up to Teddy's mansion on a skateboard towed by a pack of large, white poodles, the tow rope slips out Moe's hand, and they knock Carbuncle into a flower bed] Nyah-ah-aah!
Carbunkle: Oh no, whoa!
Curly: Ohh, ohh.
Moe: What happened? Now we got to...
Moe: [the Stooges dust themselves off by slapping the dirt off each other's backs; Moe turns around, and Larry accidentally slaps him in the face, Moe grunts] Urgh-urgh-urgh! What's the matter with you? You had the rudder, don't you know how to drive?
Larry: It just went out of control. What kind of poodles are those anyway?
Moe: Standard.
Larry: Well, there's your problem, I can't drive a standard.
[Moe groans at the "standard drive" pun]
Carbunkle: You blithering idiots! What do you think you're doing?
Moe: Out of the way, Threepio, we got to get Teddy.
Carbunkle: [Carbunkle pushes the Stooges, who happen to be in a single-file line, back like dominoes] This is an invitation-only party! Now, good day!

Curly: Great, now what are we gonna do?
Maid: [to the party security guard] Here, send those balloon men in as soon as they get here.
Party Security: Will do.
Moe: [Moe snaps his fingers] That's our cue, boys. Come on!
Moe: [the Stooges carry several bunches of balloons] Balloon men coming through.
Larry: Out of our way, these things are heavy.
Moe: [the guard opens the gate; Moe hands him a balloon] There you go, crusher.

Larry: Need some help, folks, looking for our missing friend. $3.50 reward. dead or alive.
Curly: Here you are, pal; we're missing our pal.
Larry: Thank you, so - Hey, get over there and staple up the rest of those flyers on the pronto.
Curly: [Curly hums as he staples a couple of posters to some trees, then accidentally staples a poster into the back of a young man's head] Oh, oh.
Staple in Hat Guy: Thanks a lot, buddy! Now I got a hole in my head.
Larry: Hey, quit screwing with the public!
[Larry slaps Curly]
Curly: Grr! Cut it out! Who do you think you are, huh?
Larry: Oh, I get it: when Moe slugs you, it's okay, but when Larry does it, it's not good enough!
Curly: No no no Larry, it's good enough. It's just that... you're not doing it right. When Moe hits me, it's just... I don't know better, you know?
Larry: Aah, you've got rocks in your head! i'm hitting you just the same.
Curly: No you're not, you do this:
[Curly hits Larry on the chest and hits Larry's forehead]
Curly: And Moe does this,
[Curly punches Larry in the stomach and bonks Larry on the nose]
Curly: And Moe doesn't do this,
[Curly hits Larry's nose]
Curly: He does this.
[Curly hits Larry's nose, making a honking sound ]
Curly: Nose honk, see/
Larry: Ah, you're right Come on, think! Where would we go if we was Moe?
Curly: Home!
Larry: Home.

Mac: [after the Stooges have just agreed to Lydia's shady business proposal for $830,000] Thank you! Now, here's what we were thinking.
Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes?
Mac: I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night and smother me while I'm sleeping.
Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes, yes?
Mac: But, do not turn on the lights.
Moe, Larry, Curly: No, no, no.
Moe: Wait a minute, why don't you want the lights on?
Mac: Well, I want it to be a surprise.
Moe: Oh, I get it. You don't want to see it coming, eh?
Mac: Bingo.
Larry: Hey look, it's the guy from that thing all the kids are talking about!
Larry: [Curly belly-bumps Mac into the path of a city bus; Mac gets knocked several blocks ahead where a street sweeper runs over him] Whoa, whoa! Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help, help, help...!
Moe: [a kid jumps on Mac with his pogo stick, bouncing on his stomach, then the arrow Larry shot from the bow lands in Mac's right thigh; Mac faints] That settles that.
Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges take turns shaking each other's hands] Success, success, success. Success, success, suceess. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Lydia: [furiously] What did you do? That was not the plan!
Moe: What are you yakking about? He just said he didn't want to see it coming!
Larry: Hey, hey, you look like you could use a grief massage.
Lydia: Huh?
Larry: Let it go, let it go, try to live in the now.
Lydia: [Lydia frustrately pushes Larry away] Get off me!
Larry: [Lydia gets into her car and drives away] Too soon?

Curly: [Curly, Larry, and Peezer enter a room, where Murph is on a sick bed, and Mother Superior is praying at her bedside] Murph?
Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.
Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?
Mother Superior: [Peezer hops on Murph's bed] Well...
Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why: because we don't have any medical insurance.
Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.
Curly: Yeah.
Sister Mary-Mengele: Okay, that's it. I've had it with you! Do you want to know why we have no medical insurance? It's because you wombats have caused so many accidents over the years, there's not a company on this earth who'll cover us until we pay the $830,000 we owe for previous claims, and that's why we're being closed down!
Mother Superior: That's enough, Sister.
Curly: Wait, wh - You mean the orphanage is closing... because of us?
Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mother Superior nods sadly] Check it out: Larry, Curly, you're responsible for that!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [Larry and Curly look at Murph lying on her sickbed, with Peezer at her side] You are, and that other moron!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [a beep is heard, Larry and Curly think it's a flatline monitor] Oh, sorry, excuse me.
Sister Mary-Mengele: [the beep is revealed to be Mary-Mengele's cell phone, which she answers] Yes? No, no, I want it with custard, not whipped cream. I ordered an éclair, not a Twinkie!

Moe: [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.
Teddy: [barely awake] Who are you?
Moe: It's us, it's Moe...
Larry: Larry...
Curly: And Curly.
Teddy: [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?
Moe: All right buddy, we got you now.
Moe, Curly, Larry: [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!
Teddy: [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.
Moe: That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.
Curly: Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.
Larry: And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.
Teddy: [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?
Lydia: [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.
Moe: Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?
Teddy: [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?
Mac: [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.
Teddy: [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.
Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-ah-aah!
Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.
Mr. Harter: [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.
Mac: Not a problem.
[Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]
Teddy: Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?
Mac: It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.
Mr. Harter: No, Mac, I was calling the shots.
[Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]

Moe: [looking at the boarded-up orphanage] Well, we sure botched this one pretty good.
Larry: [with tears in his eyes] What else is new? I wonder what happened to Murph and Peeze and the rest of the gang.
Curly: [sniffles] I sure do miss those guys.
Curly: [distant laughter] Why, it's almost like I can hear the sweet childhood sounds of laughter and swimming and tennis.
Moe: [with tears] I know what you mean.
Moe: [Moe does a double-take reaction] Wait a minute! We didn't have swimming and tennis!
Curly: And we didn't have laughter!
Larry: Hey fellas, look!
[One orphan boy releases a clay pigeon skeet-shooting target and says "Pull!" the other shoots it and says "Yes!"; the Stooges go off to investigate]

Curly: [Curly sees Sister Bernice in a swimsuit on lifeguard duty] Sister Bernice?
Moe: Nyah-aah!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [Two orphans are diving off the board into the pool; Sister Mary-Mengele blows her whistle] That's it! I told you one at a time on that board! You all just lost your diving privileges for the rest of the day! The party's over, you little water weasels!
Moe: What's going on here?
Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mary-Mengele sees the Stooges] Oh, crud.
Moe: Hiya, Sister.
Sister Mary-Mengele: [annoyed] Oh, hello, morons.

Murph: Hey!
[Murph runs up to the Stooges with her fellow orphans]
Murph: Moe, Larry, Curly!
Moe: Hey, guys!
Moe, Curly, Larry: How are you guys? Hey, what's going on? Oh boy, did we miss you guys!
Murph: Welcome home, guys!
Larry: You look great, Murph!
Peezer: That's 'cause she's not sick any more!
Murph: Turns out I just had some form of metal poisoning.
Larry: Nobody listens to me; I told you there's too much iron in the water.

Larry: [Larry drinks from the fountain as if it were a dog dish] Ahh. You're up, pal.
Party Guest: No thanks... My, that's an interesting... haircut.
Larry: Ah, thanks, but it's not without some help. I have a great deal of product in there.
Larry: [Larry turns to Curly, who is drinking punch directly from the bowl] Hey! Where are your manners?
Larry: [Curly extends his pinky fingers and drinks from the punch bowl] Atta boy.
Larry: [Larry samples the dip with his finger] Hmm...
Curly: Ah, how's the dip?
Larry: Here, try it for yourself.
[Larry feeds Curly some of the dip from his fingers]
Curly: Mmm-mm!

Mother Superior: Boys, where have you been? We've been looking for you everywhere.
Moe: Well, I guess we just didn't have the nerve to come back and tell you... we failed.
Mother Superior: Oh, you didn't fail. Look at our new home.
Moe: [surprisedly] New home? Who paid for all this?
Peezer: You did!
Moe: Huh?
Moe's Hip Executive: The kid's right. The money's coming out of your pocket.
Moe: Sorry slick, but we don't have that kind of dough!
Moe's Hip Executive: Oh, you will. See, the network has taken the liberty of paying off the orphanage's debts and building the new complex. Think of it as an advance. All you got to do is sign right here, boys, and you three will be the stars of our next big reality show: "Nuns vs. Nitwits". What do you say?
Moe: Oh, gee!
Curly: I always wanted to be a nun! Mmm...
Mother Superior: Oh, and by the way, the Jersey Shore kids pitched in for the down payment.

Moe: [Moe and Curly have just come from a hospital dressing room disguised as nurses; Larry is wearing a doctor's lab coat] That the best you can do? You're scaring the customers.
Curly: I'm sorry, I didn't bring my false eyelashes.
Larry: [Moe tears part of Larry's eyebrows from his forehead] Owww! Hey! What's the big idea?
Moe: Mind your business.
Curly: [Moe applies the eyebrows he tore off Larry's forehead to Curly's eyes] No, Moe - what are you - Ooh, ooh!
Moe: [Curly grunts as Moe affixes the eyebrows] Hold still. There you go, there.
Curly: Oh...
[Curly chuckles]
Curly: Hmm, hmm.
Moe: Now go on over to that information desk and find out where the hubby's room is, hurry.
Larry: [Larry imitates a crooner by singing into the stethoscope] Buh-ba-ba-boo, buh-ba-ba-boo, buh-ba-ba-boo, ba-ba-ba...
Moe: Let me see that, ohh...
[Moe hits the part of the stethoscope used for listening to heartbeats with a rubber doctor's mallet, Larry hears a loud, reverberating thud in the stethoscope's earpieces]
Larry: Owww!
Curly: [disguised as a nurse] Excuse me, dreamsicle, that patient that got hit with a bus, what room is he in?
Orderly: That would be 386.
Curly: Okay, thank you.
Orderly: [the orderly takes Curly's wrist] Say, I haven't noticed you around here before. I like curvy woman.
Curly: [Curly giggles, holding a hand fan] Oh, I bet you say that to all the gals.
Orderly: What do you say, me and you go out Saturday night, grab some falafel and couple of pops? Huh?
Curly: [Curly giggles] Why wait, when you can have a pop right now?
[Curly slaps the orderly, leaving him with an amorous, love-smitten smile on his face]

Larry: Look, Moe, we owe you an apology.
Moe: No, fellas, I'm the one who owes you the apology. I know sometimes I tend to fly off the handle and...
Larry: No, you don't.
Moe: Yes, I do.
Curly: No, it's just that you get a little upset and...
Moe: [Moe flicks Larry and Curly on their noses, and then he slaps Larry and Curly] Shut up when I'm apologizing!
Larry: We don't have time for that! Teddy's in a jam!
Curly: Yeah, you know that woman who wanted us to take out her husband?
[Curly gasps and hisses]
Curly: She's married to Teddy!
Moe: No wonder she wanted us to smother him in his sleep!
Curly: Yeah.
Moe: I knew I smelled a...
Snooki, JWoww, Sammi: A rat! A rat! Eek!
Moe: [Moe picks up Nippy, Curly's pet rat] That's no rat, it's Nippy! How you doing, buddy? Aw, I missed you too, Nips.
Larry: Come on, we got work to do. We got to get to Teddy before his wife does.
Moe: Come on.
Curly: [Curly chuckles, and rhythmically snaps his fingers] Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Rrowff!
Moe: Come on, Romeo!
[Moe pulls Curly out of the studio by his ear]
Moe's Hip Executive: Are you kidding me? There's three of them?

Balloon Girl: [hanging on to the balloons which have risen to the sunroof] Mommy!
Moe, Larry, Curly: Nyah-ah-aah!
[one of the guests cries out "Oh!"]
Moe: Think of something, lamebrains!
Larry: [Larry points to a rifle on the wall] Hey look, a balloon popper.
Curly: Oh, heh-heh-heh.
[Larry gets the rifle from above the fireplace]
Larry: I'll get it!
[Larry starts to aim the rifle]
Moe: What's the matter with you? That's a kid up there! Where's your gun safety?
[Moe takes the rifle from Larry's hands, and hits him on the forehead with the rifle's butt end; the rifle fires, popping one of the balloons as the little girl falls on the cake below]
Balloon Girl: [laughing] That was awesome!
French Chef: Nooo-oh-oh-oh-ohhhh, oh-oh-ohhh! Mon gateau!
Moe: Come on, fellas.

Mac: [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?
Curly: Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.
Lydia: Who's Nippy?
Curly: Him.
[Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]
Lydia: [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!
Mac: [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!
Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!
Lydia: Why would you let the gun get wet?
[the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn." ]
Lydia: [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?
Mr. Harter: Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.
Larry: Oh, we got to break a window.
Teddy: It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.
Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
[Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]
Curly: I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.
Moe: [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?
Curly: I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.
Moe: Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?
Larry: No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.
Moe: Why you...
[Moe bonks Larry on the head]
Larry: Ow!
Moe: Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!
[Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]
Curly: Maybe that's not such a -
[the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]

Teddy: [Teddy walks in with Ling] Hey everybody!
Moe: Oh, hey Teddy!
Larry: Hi, Teddy!
Mother Superior: Gather round, everyone! I have an announcement to make. Teddy and his fianceé, Ling, have just discovered that our Lord and Savior has left her barren, so they have decided to adopt!
Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges tear off their suits, with shorts, white shirts, and bowties underneath; they snap their fingers in rhythm] Hoi! Hoi! Hoi, hoi, hoi, hoi!
Moe: Spread out, pick me! I promise I'll go this time without any fuss!
Mother Superior: Oh, I'm sorry, boys, but they've already decided who they're adopting.
Teddy: [approaches Murph and Peezer] So how about it, Murph? Will you be a part of our family?
Murph: Are you serious, dude? Me? And you're not even getting paid?
[Murph looks over at a sad Peezer]
Murph: Oh... I'm sorry, mister, your offer is very nice and all, but... I think you better pick someone else.
Peezer: It's okay, Murph... you should go. This is your big break.
Murph: [Murph hugs Peezer] Not a chance, kid, not without you.
Teddy: Well, I guess we'll just have to take all three of you.
Murph: What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.
Teddy: Well, yeah, of course, but there's also the kid that we just sprang from the foster home across town.
Weezer: [Sister Rosemary and Weezer appear] Peezer!
Peezer: Weezer!
[the Stooges and orphans laugh joyfully, followed by the orphans screaming "Yay!"]
Mother Superior: Pack your bags, you three, it's time to go home. Three cheers for the boys. Hip-hip, hooray!
[the orphans join in the cheer]
Sister Mary-Mengele: [mutters to herself] Oh, please.
Mother Superior: [with the orphans] Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!
Moe: Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once!
Curly: Oh, you said it, mm-hmm.
[Curly leans on the diving board with Sister Mary-Mengele standing underneath it; it hits her on the head and knocks her into the pool]
Curly: Ooh-hoo, oh, oh, oh!
Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [gasping] I'm going to mash your heads, like potatoes!
Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah, nyah-aah-aah!
[the Stooges run away, jumping on three trampolines near the hedge, each landing on a horse and riding away]
Curly: Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!

Cash and Carry (1937)
Moe: The treasure, we found it!
Larry: Now Jimmy can get his operation!
Curly: There's enough here for all of us to have an operation!

[the Stooges all look at a map marked "Walla Walla"]
Moe: Walla Walla with an "X."
Curly: I know! "X" marks the spot where the treasure is buried! It's in the Walla.
Moe: But there's two Wallas.
Curly: Certainly! There's a Walla, and there's a Walla over there.
Larry: Which one's it buried in?
Moe: It makes no difference, we'll each take a Walla.

Curly: [after finding money hidden in a can on the scrap metal pile] I didn't know they put money up in cans!
Moe: Well, they don't!
Curly: Sure, see?
[points at label, "canned corn"]
Curly: Canned coin!

Moe: And when they told us the money was yours, you could've knocked us down with a gold bar! And that's the whole story, Mr. President, s'help me!
President Roosevelt: I see. Well, Jimmy, I shall arrange personally for your operation.
Jimmie: Thank you, Mr. President.
President Roosevelt: And as for you gentlemen, in view of the extenuating circumstances, I find it possible to extend to you executive clemency.
Curly: Oh, no! Please, not that!
[Moe stomps his foot]
Curly: Ow!
Moe: Mr. President means we're free!
Curly: No!
Moe: Yeah!
Curly: Gee, Mr. President, you're a swell guy!
Moe: You said it!

Con-Man: Pardon me, gentlemen, how would you like to get in on our deal where you can make thousands?
Curly: That ain't enough, we gotta make five hundred dollars!

Con-Man: This is the house I was telling you about, boys. A treasure was buried there by Captain Kidd's kid.
Curly: No kiddin'!
Con-Man: That's right!
Curly: Oh boy!
Con-Man: Just a minute! You have to pay us $200 for the privilege of digging it up!
Curly: Two hundred?
Con-Man: Two hundred or nothin'.
Curly: Oh, we'll take it for nothin'!

Moe: Why are you keeping your money layin' around in cans for? Why don't you put it in a bank?
Jimmie: Will a bank give it back to us?
Curly: Oh, sure! They didn't use to, but now they do!
Larry: And when you take it out they give you some more! I had a dollar once...
Moe: That's enough.

Moe: What's the idea of movin' into our apartment?
Larry: Come on beat it.
Jimmie: I'm sorry, Mister. Sis and I didn't know anyone lived here so we just moved in but we'll get out by the way.
Curly: Hey, where's your father?
Jimmie: We ain't got no father. Just Sis and I.
Moe: Wait a minute, son. We made a mistake, this ain't our house, we didn't have any curtains. Go on sit down and do your homework.
Jimmie: Oh, thank you.

Moe: There's sixty-two bucks there. How long do we have to wait before it swells to 500?
Bank Teller: Sixty-two dollars?
Moe: Yes, sir.
Bank Teller: [Checking his chart] That'll take you 104 years, six months, and 17 days.
Moe: Oh, we can't wait that long.
Curly: Why not?

Jimmie: [Doing his homework] I'm stuck. How much is six and six?
Moe: Well... hey, you help him.
Curly: Six and six? Don't tell me. Two sixes. Hmmm! Boxcars!
Jimmie: Boxcars?
Curly: Yeah, it looks like two lumps of sugar with smallpox. You throw it up against...
Moe: Hey, wait a minute. What are you trying to learn the kid?

Moe: [When they try to start the car, it explodes sending the engine flying up in the air] Get under it! Grab that motor!
Curly: I'll get it. Don't worry.
[the engine hits the ground so hard it makes a crater]
Curly: Woo woo!
Moe: Why didn't you catch it?

Moe: Remind me to kill you later.
Curly: I'll make a note of it... I ain't got a pencil.
Moe: I changed my mind. I'm gonna do it now!

We Want Our Mummy (1939)
Curly: C'mon, Rootin-Tootin old kid! Heh heh! Whoever crowned you king?

Moe: I got an idea, we'll make a mummy out of you.
Curly: I can't be a mummy, I'm a daddy!
Larry: All right so you'll be a daddy-mummy.
Curly: Oh! That's different.

Moe: Weigh the anchor!
Curly: Forty-two pounds!

Dr. Crowell: That means we'll never find the missing king!
Curly: [looks surprised, takes card out of his front pocket] How did YOU know the king was missing?
[Moe turns his head to look]
Curly: I... Ooh!
[hides card before Moe can see]
Moe: Oh, so you're the one, eh? That's how you won my thirteen cents!
[smacks Curly]

Dr. Crowell: Gentlemen, you're hired. We're sending you to bring back the mummy of King Rutin-Tutin, you leave immediately for Cairo.
Curly: Say I got an uncle in Cairo, he's a chiropractor. NYUK NYUK NYUK!
[Moe punches him in the nose]
Museum Curator: And if you are successful, we will pay you 5000 dollars.
Dr. Crowell: The recovery of the mummy will prove of untold value to science.
Moe: For science!
Larry: For science!
Curly: For 5000 bucks!

Moe: [the Stooges find a sign post in the desert showing the locations of Cairo and Tunis] Oh, boy we're nearly in Cairo. The tomb oughtta be around here someplace.
Curly: I've gotta go to Tunis and then we can have tuna sandwiches for lunch.
[Moe slaps him]
Curly: Oh!

Moe: [what looks like the tomb of Rootin Tootin] Hey, he's the real McCoy!
Larry: McCoy, I thought his name was Rootin Tootin.
[Moe raises his fist at Larry]
Curly: Hey fellas, I found it.
Larry: Found what?
Curly: A tisket a tasket,
[holds up a basket]
Curly: that green and yellow basket. NYUK NYUK NYUK NYUK!
[Moe gives him an open hand shove in the face]
Curly: Oh!
[Staggers back into a well]
[Hits the bottom with a splash and gets Moe and Larry wet]

Third Gang Member: [in tomb, with Curly laying on a table dressed up as King Rutin-Tutin] Hey, where are those jewels that are supposed to be buried with them?
Gang Leader: Oh, they always wrap 'em up inside the mummy. We'll have to cut him open.
[with thugs looking away, Curly cringes, and unzips the front of his mummy costume]
Gang Leader: Let me have that sharp knife you have there.
[looks at "Rutin-Tutin"]
Gang Leader: He's burst open!
[reaches inside Curly's costume, pulls out newspaper]
Gang Leader: "Yanks win world series." Can you beat that?
Curly: Yeah, and I won five bucks!
Gang Leader: No kidding? I had the Cubs, and... WHAT?

Larry, Curly, Moe: We're at your service night and day; if we don't catch them, you don't pay. Excelsior!

Larry: [they see an ocean in the desert] Must be a mirrage.
Moe: Mirrage is something you see yourself in, that's a mirage.
Curly: Mirage? But that's where you keep your automobile.
Moe: I said a mirage!
Curly: Mirage, mirrage, whatever it is, I'm going swimming!

Curly: Oh boy, a mummy alligator, I'm going to take him home with me. Boy are you going to look good on my wall!

Moe: [helping carry a crate] I'll take this end.
Larry: I'll take this end!
Curly: I'll take the end in the middle!

If a Body Meets a Body (1945)
Moe Pink: Blow out the candle.
Curly Q. Link: Oh, no. Then it'll be dark in here. I'm scared. I might see a ghost.
Moe Pink: Blow it out, I said, or I'll blow out your brains. Or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
Curly Q. Link: A reasonable facsimile of...? All right.

Curly Q. Link: Pardon me, I...
Detective: Who're you?
Curly Q. Link: [indignantly] I'm Curly Q. Link!
Detective: Oh, you're the missing Link!
Curly Q. Link: No, I'm da found Link! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Curly Q. Link: [reading his uncle's will] "To my niece, Elisa Link, I leave one million, two hundred fifty thousand dollars. To my nephew, Curly Q. Link..." That's me! That's me!
Larry Mink: Yes! Yes!
Moe Pink: How much. How much?
Curly Q. Link: "To my nephew, Curly Q. Link, I leave a sum total of sixty seven cents, net."
Moe Pink: [in despair] Sixty seven cents!
Curly Q. Link: Sixty seven cents!
Larry Mink: Sixty seven cents!
[they hit each other, pull out their own hair and say it over and over again until fade out]

Larry Mink: Here's one. "Wanted: Gravediggers."
Moe Pink: No, no, too morbid.
Curly Q. Link: Da morbid, da merrier! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Curly Q. Link: You know my name is Curly Q. Link!
Larry Mink: What's the "Q" stand for? Quincy?
Curly Q. Link: No.
Moe Pink: Quillip?
Curly Q. Link: No.
Moe Pink: What does the "Q" stand for?
Curly Q. Link: Cuff.
Larry Mink: Oh, Cuff Link!

Moe Pink: Didn't you say you were born in Oxford?
Curly Q. Link: I can't remember. I was born awfully young.

Moe Pink: [finds a horseshoe in his soup] Why you numbskull, we sent you to the butcher shop for meat, not the glue factory.
[hits Curly with the horseshoe]
Larry Mink: He's trying to poison us, that's what.
Moe Pink: You get out of this house before I split your throat from ear to ear you Lucrezia Borgia.
Curly Q. Link: If that means what I think it does...
Moe Pink: So what?
Curly Q. Link: So I'll go.

Moe Pink: Hark, who goes there?
Curly Q. Link: Friend or enemy?
Larry Mink: Give us the countersign.
Moe Pink, Curly Q. Link, Larry Mink: [Detective slaps all three of them] Pass, friend.

Curly Q. Link: It's dark in here!
Moe Pink: I can see the darkness!
[finds Curly standing on his and Larry's shoulders]
Moe Pink: Oh it's you! Boy will you come on?
Curly Q. Link: [gets down] I don't like darkness!

Moe Pink: Didn't you say you had an uncle?
Curly Q. Link: Yeah, uncle Bob O. Link, but the family didn't speak to him. He had millions.
Moe Pink: That's it! We're rich.
Larry Mink: We're filthy with dough!
Moe Pink: You're filthy without it.

Curly Q. Link: Suppose the murderer comes back again?
Moe Pink: Shut up! You got nothing to worry about. If he stabs you in the head, he'll wreck his knife.

Disorder in the Court (1936)
Judge: Why don't you answer him?
Curly: He's tawkin' pig Latin! I dunno what he's sayin'!
Judge: He's asking you if you swear...!
Curly: [cuts the judge off] No, but I know all the woids!
Judge: He's asking you if you'll swear to tell the truth.
Curly: Truth is stranger than fiction, Judgie-Wudgle.

Curly: Well, me and my pals, we're musicians. We were tearin' up some hot swing music in the York Esther. Gail over there was swingin' her fans. Her sweetie Koik Robin was inhalin' a bottle of hooch over at a table. And a hoofer by the name of Buck Wing was gettin' ready to shake his tootsies.
Defense attorney: Kindly speak English and drop the vernacular.
Curly: [Holding his Derby hat] Vernaculah? That's a doiby!
Defense attorney: Drop the vernacular!
[Curly drops his hat]
Defense attorney: No, no, not that! I mean talk so the jury can understand!
Curly: Is everybody dumb?

Judge: Take the stand.
Curly: [picks the chair up] Where'll I put it?
Judge: No, no, take the stand!
Curly: I got it! Now what'll I do with it?
Court clerk: [angrily sets it back down] SIDDOWN!

Curly: I'm a victim of circumstance.

Defense attorney: Mr. Howard, kindly tell the court what you know about Kirk Robbin's murder.
Curly: [to the Judge] Well, it was like this, Mr. Court...
Defense attorney: Address the judge as your honor.
Curly: [to the Judge] Well, it was like this, my honor...
Defense attorney: "Your honor". Not "My honor".
Curly: Why? Don't you like him?

Curly: I'm no mule.
Moe: No, your ears are too short.
[eye pokes Curly]
Curly: So I'm a mule.

[With Curly taking the oath, the court clerk is speaking rapidly]
Curly: Are you trying to give me the double talk?

Moe: [after Curly picks up all the jacks on one bounce of the ball] Hey! What's the idea of spoiling the game?
Curly: I was for onesies.
Moe: Well here's twosies.
[eye pokes Curly on "twosies", and Curly responds in pain]
Larry: [sounding cute] He did a onesie, you give 'em to...
[stops when he sees Moe looking at him angrily]
Moe: [to Larry] Here's fivesies.
[smacks him]

Larry: [while playing violin, he picks up the defense's black hairpiece on the end of his bow and sees it] A taran-tela!
[Moe screams, Curly tries hitting it with a hammer, and Moe steals the bailiff's gun and shoots]
Curly: Oh! A field mouse!
Larry: [with it attached to his bow] Watch out, it'll bite ya!
Moe: [sees it] Taran-tella? Shot five holes in a dibbit!

Court clerk: [as Curley come up to him] Take off your hat.
[Curley does with his right hand]
Court clerk: Now, raise your right hand.
[Curley put his hat back on and does]
Court clerk: [points to the Bible] Now put your left hand here.
[Curley goes to do so but can't because his cane is in that hand so he switches it to his right hand]
Judge: [to Curley] Take off your hat.
[Curley does again with his right hand]
Court clerk: Raise your right hand.
[Curley put his hat back on again and does so]
Court clerk: [Points to the Bible again] Now put your left hand here.
[Again, Curley switches hands with his cane to do so]
Judge: Please take off your hat.
[Curley does again with his right hand and the same charade happens]
Court clerk: [Getting increasingly impatient] Raise your right hand! Now put your left hand here.
Judge: [Getting annoyed] Will you please take off your hat!
[Again, the same charade happens]
Court clerk: [Through clenched teeth] Raise your right hand! Now put your left hand here!
Judge: [Yells] Take off your hat!
[Curley does so this time with his left hand and sticks it on top of his cane]
Court clerk: Raise your right hand!
[Curley does holding the cane and hat, the clerk grabs the hat and shoves it back at Curley]
Court clerk: Will you get rid of that hat?
Curly: [Hangs his cane on the pocket of the clerk, then puts his hat on the clerk] Raise *your* right hand.
Court clerk: [He does, then realizes what he's doing, takes off the hat and places it under the Bible, then to Curley] Raise your right hand.
[Curley finally does]

Three Little Pirates (1946)
Moe: The maha-...
Curly: Aha! Razbanyi siati benefuchi

Curly: Razbanyai siati benefuchi, I fall down.

Moe: The maha-...
Curly: Aha! Lazpanya se chekini fuchi...
Moe: Siddown!
Curly: Oh, shaddap! I don't have to!

Moe: Razbanyi siati benefuchi timiniharogi. That, how do you call it, that froghead, he askee taskaskee, whatifichorsa inginzoben. Gotet something else kiddo?
Curly: Razbanyai siati benefuchi timinharongi. Paradeecke mahiha. I'd want to see that.
Moe: Sit down, you flatbush flathead!

Moe: Maha, Razbanyi siati benefuchi timiniharongi a bay meadows. That iron head askee taskee whatificharsaia kemdal ayendalay. You got some slick chicks?
Curly: Aha. Oh a wolf. Razbanyi siati benefuchi timiniharongi paraleechemahiha. I'd like to see some babes myself.
Curly: Hittin' a guy with glasses,huh?

Moe: The raja says that in his domain on the islands of Coney & Long there are some fair chickadees who prowl through the meadows day & night.
Moe: If you give us till sunup, we shall bring some back by sundown.
Governor: Excellent, Excellent!
Governor: On your way with winged feet.
Curly: Aha, Yataminich, where are you?

Governor: [sentencing Moe, Larry, and Curly to death] You have your choice: you may have your heads chopped off or you may be burned at the stake.
Curly: We'll take burning at the stake!
Governor: Very well. We'll toast them Monday at sundown.
Moe: What did you pick burning at the stake for?
Curly: Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop.

Moe: [Black Louie is using Larry as a human target for knife-throwing] Be careful you don't hit Larry.
Curly: Where is he?
Moe: Over there.
Curly: I don't see him.
Moe: Take off the glasses.
[Curly takes his glasses off]
Moe: Over there by the wall.
Curly: What wall?

Healthy, Wealthy and Dumb (1938)
Curly Howard: [a bathtub is behind a door that they open] Ohhhh, a rowboat.
Larry: A rowboat, you're crazy. That's a horse troph.
Moe: Rowboat, horse troph. In a hotel? That's a bathtub, you imbeciles. Go take a bath.
Larry: But we can't. It ain't spring yet.
Moe: Oh yes it is. See the pretty grass?
Larry: [looks toward the bathtub] Where?
Moe: [Moe shoves him in and closes the door. Curly giggles] You're next.
Curly Howard: But I had a bath.
Moe: When?
Curly Howard: July 14, 1910. I was too young to fight about it then.
Moe: What are you gonna do now?
Curly Howard: Take a bath.

Curly Howard: [Curly reads a telegram of their prize money and sees that taxes reduced their prise money into $4.95] Nyaaaaa...
[faints, Larry grabs it. Reads it]
Larry: They'll put us in jail!
[faints, Moe grabs it]
Hotel Costa Plente room service: Did he say jail?
Moe: No, Yale. He's got a brother in college with two heads. They got him in a bottle.
[Looks at the telegram for a second and flinches]
Hotel Costa Plente room service: Is something wrong?
Moe: Nothing. The figures stagger me.
Hotel Costa Plente room service: And so will your bill.

Curly Howard: [Thinks the canopy bed is a bunk bed, steps up Moe to get to the top. Feels it] I'll be able to sleep up here for a week, this bed is so soft. Give me a call for Wednesday.
[Lays on his back and then the bed collapses]

Moe: [Drinks a whole bottle of champagne. Followed by a faint rumbling noise] This bottle sounds flat.
Moe: Try another.
Curly Howard: [gets a bottle of champagne from the tray] I'll sharpen this one up.
[Shakes it, then opens it with foam squirting out. Curly puts it in his mouth and champagne sprays out of his ears. Then stops after a while]
Curly Howard: Boy, did I sharpen that bottle.

Moe: [picks up a glass] A toast.
Larry: [picks up a glass] A toast.
Curly Howard: [picks up air] A toast.
[Sees that there is no glass]
Curly Howard: Roses are red, violets are blue, there's no glass for me, so hot cakes to you. Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.
[Moe and Larry throw pancakes onto his face]

Hotel Manager: This bed goes back to Henry the Eighth.
Curly Howard: That's nothing. We had a bed that went back to Sears Roebuck the Third.

Curly Howard: Roses are red, and violets are blue, try Stick-Fast glue, and you'll be stuck to, oh boy I got it, if I make the best slogan I'll win a lot of money!
Moe: Oh your crazy, you've been sending those in for weeks, nobody ever wins those.
Larry: Yeah, why don't you play cards and prove your mind? What there is of it.
Curly Howard: See the money I get!

[first lines]
Larry: How many?
Moe: I'll take three.
Larry: I'll take the same.
Moe: I bet two.
[Moe puts two pancakes on the center plate]
Larry: I'll see those two, and I'll raise you five!
[Larry puts his entire stack on the center plate]
Moe: I'd better win today I haven't had breakfast in a week!
Larry: Well the best man always wins.
Moe: Well there's four... Hey I need some more chips!
[the camera moves over to Curly flipping a pancake in a frying pan]
Moe: Hurry it up with those chips!
[Curly comes over to the table]
Curly Howard: I'm getting sick and tired of making chips for you guys, I gotta get busy for my radio contest!

Loco Boy Makes Good (1942)
Larry: [thrown out of a hotel where the rent's $1 a month] He can't throw us out just because we're eight months behind on the rent.
Moe: But he did. I'm going back in to get my other shirt.
Curly: Get my other pair of socks too, they're standing up behind the stove.

Curly: [to the cake of soap] You work with me, and I'll see that you're put in the tub and NOBODY uses ya. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Curly: [to Moe] Don't you DARE hit me in the head, you know I'm not normal!

Moe: Wait a minute, Shylock, she'll have the money on time.
Curly: Yeah and I'll see that you get it too, me, myself, I personally, I'll guarantee it personally, see?
Mr. Scroggins: And who are you?
Moe: Who is he? Why he's one of the biggest steelmen in the country. He'd steal any... I mean his steel is known from coast to coast. Will E. Steel.
Curly: And how!

Curly: Is that you hat?
Mr. Scroggins: Yes.
Curly: [takes it off] Why don't you get your head Simonized?

Grandma: Oh how can I ever thank you?
Curly: Don't try, by the way, here's $52 I just found in my hand.
Grandma: Why that's the amount I gave Mr. Scroggins!
Curly: Well ain't that a coinci-dunk?

Moe: Say, did you notice the beautiful watch Scroggins had on?
Curly: Notice it?
[pulls it out]
Curly: I got it! We can buy paint and wallpaper, I won't need this soap anymore!

Moe: [Curly slips on the soap] Hey kid, are ya hurt?
Curly: Yeah, but I don't care!

Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise (1939)
Curly: Don't look now, but I think we're about to be killed.

Curly: Hey! Don't look know, but I think we're about to be killed! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Mr. Johnson, Farmer: Hey! What d'ya think ye're doin'?
Curly: I'm sawin' a saw in half with a saw, see?

Moe: [smoking a cigar] Quite a bouquet!
Curly: Mmm! Smells like a chrysanthemum-mum-mum-mum-mum!

Larry: An inkwell!
Moe: That's not ink! That's earl!
Curly: What d'ya mean, earl?
Moe: You know! Coal earl!
Curly: You mean oil! It's a geezer! An oil geezer!

Curly: Hey look, a rooster bar!
Moe: You mean a crowbar.
Curly: Don't a rooster crow?

Curly: Here I was dreaming of a nice portion of roast chicken and dumplings.
[Moe slaps Curly]
Curly: What's that for?
Moe: That's for not dreaming enough for the both of us.

The Widow Jenkins: My three daughters, April, May, and June.
Curly: Hmmm, three of the prettiest months of the year.

No Census, No Feeling (1940)
Moe: Now, calm yourself. We're census takers, madam. How old are you?
Larry: What address is this?
Lady having bridge party: One hundred and two.
Moe: You don't look a day over eighty.
Lady having bridge party: Young man, I'm twenty-nine.
Moe: Oh, yeah?
Lady having bridge party: Well, how do I look?
Moe: Oh, you look like a million.
Larry: Ah, she can't be that old. (Larry and Moe open her mouth and check her teeth.) Forty-three.
Moe: Fifty.
Larry: Forty-three!
Moe: Fifty!
Larry: Forty-three!
Moe: Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, (mouth begins to move much faster) fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty...
Curly: Sooold American!

Curly: Roses are red, and how do you do? Drink four of these and woo, woo, woo, woo!

Larry: [after all three are unable to find anyone else to interview] Where is everybody?
Curly: Maybe it's The Fourth of July.
Moe: The Fourth of July in October?
Curly: You never can tell... look what they did to Thanksgiving!

Curly: I'm gettin' sick and tired of this! How old are you?
Football player: Ninteen!
Curly: Now we're gettin' somewhere!
Football player: Eighty-three! Twenty-seven! Twenty-two!
Curly: Why don't you make up your mind?

Moe: Pardon us, madame, we're census takers. What's your name?
Larry: And your address?
Curly: What's more important, what's your phone number? Nyuk, nyuk...
[Woman hits them with her purse]

Moe: Boy, look at that. There must be a hundred thousand people in there. We'll make a fortune!
Curly: Woo-woo!
Moe: How much is four cents times a hundred thousand?
Curly: [With shock] Nyahhh...
[gives in, stands up straight and begins to type in the air with typewriter sound effects. Sweeps his head with the sound of the typewriter bar being pushed back. Finally pulls a strip of paper from his mouth. Reads paper]
Curly: A dollar and a half.
Moe: A dollar and a half?
Curly: That's without the tax!

Moe: Where were you born?
Curly: Lake Winnipesaukee.
Moe: How do you spell that?
Curly: W-O... woof! Make it Lake Erie I got an Uncle there!
Moe: What was your family decomposed of?
Curly: Well, I'll tell ya! There was a litter of three, and I was the one they kept! N'yuk n'yuk n'yuk!

I Can Hardly Wait (1943)
Moe: Clean this ham!
Curly: I'll clean it when I'm ready!
Moe: Are you ready?
Curly: Yeah, I'm ready...

Curly: Wait a minute, wait a minute! You said you were gonna divide everything up equally!
Moe: Oh, ungrateful, eh?
Curly: Yeah!
Moe: We get a half a slice of ham and a half an egg apiece. You get a whole bone and a whole eggshell, and you're squawkin'!
Curly: I'm sorry, fellas... gee, you guys are swell to me.

Curly: [noticing the door knob hanging off his tooth] Oh!
[picks it up]
Curly: Look at that tooth! It's a whoppah! And look at that root! You know if I belonged to the Elks, I'd wear this on my watch-chain... if I had a watch-chain.
Moe: You pumpkin head! That's not your tooth, that's the door knob!
Curly: Oh... no wonder my tooth still hurts - -
[clutches his tooth in pain]
Curly: Ooh, my tooth!

Curly: Oh my tooth, it feels like there's gremlins grembling in it!

Curly: [Curly has pieces of plaster falling out of his mouth after trying to jerk his tooth out] Hey fellas, ya got it!
[laughs, pulls out another piece]
Curly: You got another one... you got em all! You got me bald headed in the mouth! Why you!
[swings at Moe and Larry]

Patient: What did you do before you became a dentist?
Dr. A. Yank: I was a butcher.
Curly: Nyaa-aaah!
Patient: As far as I'm concerned, you still are one.

Dizzy Detectives (1943)
Larry: What happened? What's wrong?
Curly: I'm dyin' and you start a quiz program!

Moe: Where's your gun?
Curly: Gun? Oh! The landlady's baby was cryin', so I gave it to the baby to play with.

Moe: [whispering] It's that crook and he's wearin' a fur coat! Come on!
[the Stooges come up and Moe gets the gorilla's attention by kicking him in the butt. The Stooges all point their guns at the gorilla]
Moe: Stick 'em up, Ape Man! We gotcha covered!
[the gorilla destroys the Stooges' guns]
Moe: Hey, fellas! Look! No human is strong enough to bend a gun barrel like that!
Curly: It's real! A real chimmanypanzee!
Larry: That's no chimp, ya chump! That's a gorilla!

Moe: Next time you handle a gun, shoot yourself in the head.
Curly: I'll make a note of it. How do you spell head?
Moe: B-O-N-E. head!
[he whacks him in the head with a gun and the gun bends]

Curly: That ox can't call me a monkey!
Moe: Shut up you baboon!
[Curly sticks his tongue at Moe while Moe puts a clothespin on his tongue]

Curly: I don't wanna be dead. There's no future in it!

Men in Black (1934)
Hiccupping Nurse: Oh, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard! Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Dr. Moe Howard: Yes, that's true.
Hiccupping Nurse: Well, then, why don't the patients eat an apple a day and save hospital expenses?
Dr. Curly Howard: Pardon me if I laugh. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! That's a pippin!
Hiccupping Nurse: Oh, I know what a pippin is.
Dr. Larry Fine: You do, eh? What's a pippin?
Hiccupping Nurse: Uh, a pippin is an apple with a skin on the outside.
Dr. Moe Howard: Did you ever see an apple with a skin on the inside?
Hiccupping Nurse: Oh, sure I did.
Dr. Larry Fine: You did?
Hiccupping Nurse: Uh-huh.
Dr. Larry Fine: Where?
Hiccupping Nurse: In homemade apple pie.

Dr. Moe Howard: How is she, doctor?
Doctor with 'Tiny Patient': A slight hope.
Dr. Curly Howard: That's too bad. What's the matter?
Doctor with 'Tiny Patient': She's in a coma.
Tiny Patient: [sitting up] I am not! I'm in a bed!
[sees the Stooges]
Tiny Patient: Geeze, the joint's haunted!
Dr. Moe Howard: How old are you?
Tiny Patient: I'm 35.
Dr. Curly Howard: Na, you couldn't get that fresh in 35 years.

Dr. Graves: How did you find that patient in room 67?
Dr. Moe Howard: Under the bed!
Dr. Graves: How did you find that patient in room 73?
Dr. Larry Fine: Up on the chandelier.
Dr. Graves: What did you do for him?
Dr. Curly Howard: Nothing! What'd he ever do for us?

[repeated line]
Dr. Moe Howard, Dr. Curly Howard, Dr. Larry Fine: For duty and humanity!

Dr. Larry Fine: Doctor! We're mighty proud of you. You've done a wonderful thing for humanity. And when we leave here, we're going right down to the president's office and...
Dr. Curly Howard: We won't say a word about it.

PA announcer: [Closing lines: After the Stooges tear the loudspeaker apart and shoot the still-working part] Oy, you got me!
Dr. Moe Howard, Dr. Curly Howard, Dr. Larry Fine: For duty and humanity!

Saved by the Belle (1939)
Señorita Rita: But my General, the fat one does not look like a spy. He looks very innocent.
Curly: Oh, I don't know, I've been around!

Moe: [not realizing they're about to be executed] They're gonna fire a salute in our honor!
Curly: Hey, we want 21 guns!
Firing Squad Commandant: Three will be sufficient.

Curly: You know I'm temperamental.
Moe: Yeah, 95% temper, 5% mental.

Singapore Joe: What kind of fool do you take me for?
Curly: Why, is there more than one kind?

Singapore Joe: Come my friends. Eat, drink and be merry.
Curly: Woo, woo. Where's Mary?

Singapore Joe: I'll give them commissions in the Army.
Curly: Commissions? Not me, straight salary or nothing!

Dizzy Doctors (1937)
Moe: [In a hospital, in a room with a microphone connected to the loudspeaker, hits the three skulls to make a musical jingle then hits Curly on the head] Hello, everybody, we just brought the moon over the mountain.
Curly: Hello, Ma. Hello, Pa. It wasn't much of a fight. I stood like that. But not for long.
[Moe hits him on the head]
Moe: Quiet. This broadcast comes to you through the courtesy of Brighto. And it's six delicious flavors. Chocolate, Vanilla, Cranberry, Strawberry.
Curly: And raspberry.
[Moe slaps him]
Curly: Ow. It's still raspberry.
[Sticks his tongue out, Moe hits him on the head]
Curly: Ow!
Moe: Now keep quiet or I'll sock you again.
Larry: Are you listening. V-v-v-voo. V-v-v-voo. V-v-v...
[Moe hits him with a backhand punch in the face]
Moe: Now, don't go away, gentlemen. We'll soon be with you.
Moe, Larry, Curly: Zheee. Boom! Cuckoo!

Moe: Brighto, Brighto, makes old bodies new!
Larry: We'll sell a million bottles!
Curly: Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo!

Dr. Bright: Well boys, how did it go?
Curly: We rubbed it on a man's car, and it took the paint right off. That polish ain't no good.
Dr. Bright: Polish? You idiots, that's medicine!
Curly: Medicine?
[Curly drinks a bottle]
Curly: I feel better already!
Moe: What was wrong with you?
Curly: Nothing.
[Moe slaps Curly]

Dr. Bright: Have you ever sold anything?
Larry: Have we ever SOLD anything!
Moe: Have we ever SOLD anything!
Curly: Have we?

Curly: Hey, what's this stuff for anyway?
Larry: Why it's a cleaner, you chump.
Curly: I know. It's auto polish.
Moe: You boys really want to know what it's for?
Curly, Larry: Yeah!
Moe: It's for sale. Now get busy selling it.

Curly: A guy wants to know what to do for inflammation.
Moe: Why call us? Tell him to dial Inflammation!

Back to the Woods (1937)
Larry: [an imaginary horse race] They're off! Who's in the quarter?
Curly: Whopper!
Larry: Who's in the half?
Curly: Whopper!
Larry: Who's in the stretch?
Curly: Whopper!
Larry: Who's the winner?
Curly: Rosemont!
Moe: Who's the winner?
Curly: Rosemont.
[Moe slaps him]

Judge: [shouting above the confused noise] Order! Order!
Curly: Order? I'll take a ham sandwich!
Judge: Hold thy tongue!
Curly: Not tongue, ham!

Larry: [as Curly heads for Faith, who is more attractive than her sister Charity] What doest thou? I saw her first!
Curly: Pish-posh and tish-tosh! I'll never give her up. Why does not thou take Charity?
Larry: I need not charity. I'm on the WPA.
Curly: WPA?
Larry: Aye! Willing Pilgrims Association.

Chief Rain in the Puss: Ugh! No more war. Give 5000 shekels.
Governor: But we have no more than this.
[He shakes a small pouchful of coins]
Chief Rain in the Puss: Mmmm! Good down payment. Take mortgage on balance - interest six per cent.
Pilgrim: Thank goodness! At last are we free to hunt?
Chief Rain in the Puss: No! No hunt till FOB!
Governor: FOB?
Chief Rain in the Puss: Fork over balance!
Curly: Indian givers!

Moe: Fire at will!
Curly: Which one is Will?

Judge: Ye are accused of doing battle with his Majesty's guards. What say ye to the charge?
Larry: I can explain, judge. you see-eth, it was like this-eth. I...
Judge: Guilty! I sentence ye to Newcape prison for forty years! ye to forty-five! Ye to fifty!
Moe: Forty?
Larry: Forty-five?
Curly: Fifty? I got fifty. Fifty. Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, do I hear fifty-five, do I hear fifty five? Going once, twice, do I hear fifty-five? Who'll make it fifty-five?
Judge: [breaks gavel] I shall!
Curly: Thank you. I... Woo!
Judge: Fifty-five years for the lot of ye at hard labor!
Prosecutor: But your lordship, t'would cost the crown a pretty penny to feed yon wastrels for fifty-five years! Why not send him to our colonies in America to fight the redskin savage?
Curly: Oh, I just love corned beef and savage!
Judge: Silence! I now sentence ye knaves to defend our colonists from the savages!
Moe: Gadzooks! They'll scalp us alive!
Curly: Not me! Nyuk nyuk!

A Plumbing We Will Go (1940)
Curly: Say why don't you call your stops?
Moe: This is far enough I guess.
Larry: Where are we?
Curly: What do you care as long as we're not in jail.

Curly: Hey, no wonder the water don't woik. The pipe is clogged up wit' wires!

Prosecuting Attorney: Remember, You have sworn to tell the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth, now were You, or were You not on the night of June the 13th in Mrs. Traunabottoms Chicken Coop?
Curly: Why Soitenly not, we was in the House!
Prosecuting Attorney: What House?
Larry: The Dog House!
Curly: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk
[Moe Bonks both Larry, and Curly's heads together]

Butler: There You are! I called You Plumbers an Hour ago, now go inside and fix that Leak, before it gets any worse!
Curly: Hey, who told You we're Plumbers?
[to Moe and Larry]
Curly: How do You like that Guy...
[See's Officer Kelly riding a Bicycle looking around for them]
Curly: Uh... weer Plumbers!
Moe: Three of the best plumbers that ever plumbed a plum!
Curly: woop woop woop woop woop!

Moe: [Judge falls through the floor into the basement] Why you dummy you. You ruined a whole day's work!
Curly: [Realizes who it is] NAAH the judge!
Judge Hadley: Why you!

Slippery Silks (1936)
Fat Fashion Show Guest: [seeing one fashion called "The Hunt"] I think I'd look stunning in that riding habit.
Curly: [whispers to Moe] I think there'd be trouble figuring out which one was the horse.

Morgan Morgan: Are you sure this work will be in competent hands?
Curly: Soitenly, we're all incompetent

Curly: [Moe pinches Larry's nose with scissors] He looks like a V-8.

Curly: [after having nails pulled out of his rear end] You must have left some of them in me.
Moe: Just a few little ones, you need some iron.
[Moe hammers a nail in deeper]

Moe: This idea's been in my head since I was 10 years old.
Curly: Oh, sorta aged in the wood.

A Ducking They Did Go (1939)
Blackie: You men ever sold anything?
Curly: Why certainly, anything we could lay our hands on!
Moe: The gentleman said "sold," not "stole."

Curly: Ducks, ducks... oh, wanna buy some ducks? Is your blood red? Are you a potent hunter? All you need is a prime appeal. How about a duck? There's one in every office!

Curly: Every red-blooded he-man is a potentate hunter! There's one in every office!

Curly: Got a piece of bacon in your pocket?
Moe: Why?
Curly: You keep em' busy I'll get some eggs for breakfast.
Moe: You try that and I'll crack your head like an egg shell.

Moe: Spread out and remember, ducks is ducks and cash is king.
Curly: And never the twain shall meet.

Whoops, I'm an Indian! (1936)
[while posing as indians]
Moe: How.
Larry: How.
Curly: And how!

Pierre: Now for our honeymoon! For you I have the grand surprise!
Curly: [dressed as a Native American woman] So do I if ya only knew it!

Moe: How would you like an ermine wrap?
Curly: Really? You mean it?
Moe: Yeah...
[slaps him]
Curly: Ow!
Moe: That's the wrap!

Moe: [to Larry] Now, you go out and get a moose and a few meeces. I'll run down an elk.
Curly: I'll try to find a Knights of Columbus.

Moe: What'd you do with the money?
Curly: I threw it away so I could run faster.

Wee Wee Monsieur (1938)
Moe: The landlord's threatened to throw us out.
Curly: What's he squawking about, we only owe for eight months.

Curly: Ah my fair beauty, open up thy curtains so that I might see your fair kisser.

Moe: "Oh boy! I'll take the blonde!"
Larry: "I'll take the brunette!"
Curly: "I'll take the black and tan!"

[after Moe conks Curly in the head with a chisel, and then apologizes]
Curly: Oh, oui, oui, oui, oui.
Moe: Oui what?
Curly: "Oui" ("We") should be more careful about what we do around here... Chisler!
[Moe conks him again]

Curly: [Moe has taken off Curly's hat after his beard fell off and then slaps him] Oh you hit Santa Claus just for that no toys.
Curly: [Moe bops Curlys head] Ow ooohhhh!

Pop Goes the Easel (1935)
Larry: [after Moe has whistled for he and Curley to come to his side] What's the matter?
Moe: How do you spell "chrysanthemum"?
Larry: [thinks for a moment, looking confused]
Moe: Oh, ignorant, eh?
[slaps Larry, turns to Curley]
Moe: How do you spell it?
Curley: [very quickly] C-h-r-y-s-a-n-t-h-e-m-u-m.
Moe: [pause] Why weren't you here a minute ago?
[slaps Curley]

Curley: [looking up, after Moe has instructed an art student to pose as if she was looking at a group of grouse flying overhead] I don't see any grouse.
Moe: [kicks Curley] See any now?
Curley: No.
Moe: [kicks Curley again] See any now?
Curley: No.
Moe: [hits Curley on the top of the head]
Curley: Ah, look at the grouse!
[the remaining stooges look up]

Professor Fuller: Boys, to become great artists, you must start from the bottom up.
Larry: Yes?
Curley: Yes?
Moe: Yes?
Professor Fuller: So you may begin by painting this floor.
Larry: [pointing at Curly] Say, if he thinks I'm gonna paint this floor, I hope you drop dead.

French Art Student: Gentlemen
[Moe, Larry, and Curly turn around to look for the gentlemen]
French Art Student: I am an artiste!
Larry: I am an artiste too!
Curley: Oh, a pair of drawers, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Curley: Mister, I haven't tasted food in three days.
Man Curly Asks for a Meal: Well I wouldn't worry about it, it still tastes the same.

Three Missing Links (1938)
[Larry thinks that a real gorilla behind him is Curly in a costume]
Larry: Cut it out, ya puddinhead!
Curly: I'm not me!

Herbert - Director: I wonder where that safari is? We ought to be up with them by now.
Curly: Maybe they're safari away, we'll never catch 'em!

Curly: You snore like a roarin' lion.
Larry: I do not! I stayed awake all last night to see if I snored, and I didn't!

Moe: We're terrific!
Larry: We're colossal!
Curly: We're even mediocre!

Curly: [to Larry] Wake up and go to sleep!

No Dough Boys (1944)
Moe: They are very well bred.
Curly: I take mine toasted!

Moe: [in a German accent] Ist zat zere za swastika?
Larry, Curly: [in German accents] Ja, zat ist za swastika!
Moe: Ist zat herr a dirty rat?
Larry, Curly: Ja, zat ist a dirty rat!

Moe: [doing an acrobatic act, Curly's about to roll on him] No Wacky,
[points to Larry]
Moe: Nacky!
Curly: My mistacky.

Moe: [on break from a photo shoot, Moe catches Curly smoking a cigarette] What's the matter with you? You wanna burn down the scenery? Read that sign.
Curly: "Hey you, no smoking."
Moe: Well?
Curly: It says you, not me. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Moe: Watch your P's and Q's.
Curly: Don't forget to dot the I's.
Moe: Yeah
[pokes Curly in the eyes]

In the Sweet Pie and Pie (1941)
Curly: No! I'm too young to die. Too young and too handsome!
[looks in the mirror]
Curly: Well, I'm too young.

Mrs. Gottrocks: I hear you have done much traveling. Are you familiar with the Great Wall of China?
Curly: No, but I know a big fence in Chicago!

Larry: Say, what do we know about society?
Moe: Well startin' tomorrow we're gonna learn. We gotta act like gentlemen so these dames we married won't have any excuse for throwing us out.
Curly: You mean to say I can't go to sleep with my shoes on?
Moe: That's exactly what I mean now get to bed, like a gentleman.

Moe: Hey, hey, hey you'd better watch that cough first you know you'll wind up with pneumonia.
Larry: They say strawberries are good for a cold.
The Warden: Strawberries won't be in season for six months.
Moe: We'll wait.
Curly: We'll wait.
Larry: We'll wait.
The Warden: Just a minute!

Half-Wits Holiday (1947)
Moe: But we're organized.
[holds up a card with the letters AAM on it]
Moe: The Amalgamated Association of Morons. Local six and seven eighths.
Moe, Curly, Larry: We are morons! Tried and true! We will do our yell for you!

Prof. Quackenbush: How would you boys like to make $1,000?
Moe: Who do you have to murder?
Prof. Quackenbush: Oh, nothing like that. All you have to do is let me make gentlemen of you.
[the Stooges all flinch in horror]
Larry: No, no! Not that!
Curly: Our father would never forgive us.
Larry: There ain't been a gentleman in our family for fifty generations.
Moe: Quit bragging.

Curly: There's a hair in my soup.
Moe: You're crazy. That's a crack in your plate.
Curly: I never saw a crack go that way.
[he makes a curving motion with his hand]
Moe: Well, that's neither hair nor there.

Curly: [to Professor Quackenbush as they rehearse eating an invisible dinner] "Pardon me, what are we eating now?"

Three Pests in a Mess (1945)
Curly: [falls down] Yaaah!
Cheatham's Secretary: Are you hurt?
Curly: I think I've been stabbed.
[gets up]
Cheatham's Secretary: [pulls ball of yarn and knitting needles out of his seat] Well look what you did to my knitting needles.
Curly: It didn't do me much good either.

Curly: Hey Moe, you know that dead guy? He just slapped me.
Moe: Like this?
[slaps Curly]
Curly: Yeah, just like that only it was on the other side.
Larry: Where's the body?
Curly: I ain't got any body, I lost it.
Moe: Well you're gonna go find it!

Curly: [the guard's in a bag, Curly thinks it's the corpse] This is all your fault.
[kicks the guard, the guard kicks him]
Curly: Did you kick me?
Cemetery Guard: No.
Curly: Well it's a good thing you didn't because if you did I'd...
[screams and runs off]

Curly: [tumble weed rolls past him] Somebody just ran by me.
Moe: What'd he look like?
Curly: I couldn't tell, he was on his hands and knees and had a big head full of curls...
Larry: Say, why don't we put him
[the corpse]
Larry: out in the street?
Curly: What? And have somebody run over him and kill him again?
[shakes his head]
Moe: We're gonna bury him right here!

Three Smart Saps (1942)
Curly's Dancing Partner: Do you rumba?
Curly: Only when I take bicarbonate. Yuk. Yuk. Let's dance anyway.

Curly: We're not ordinary people... we're morons!

Moe: If you didn't have TB, I'd be able to get this round you.
Curly: What do you mean, TB?
Moe: Two bellies.

Curly, Moe, Larry: [Closing scene: They're singing, dancing toward the camera] Oh, the wedding bells are going to ring. Ding. Dong. Ding./ The wedding bells are going to ring. Ding. Dong. Ding.
Curly: [Right into the camera] ARF!

Rhythm and Weep (1946)
Moe: Take off your clothes
Curly: Parden me?
Moe: I said take off your clothes
Curly: What? How dare you? I don't even know your name.
Moe: The names Mike Lippincranz. Now off come the clothes.

Moe: Well this is the 26th theatre we have been thrown out of this month. What does that leave us?
Larry: Four more theatres...
Curly: Except February which has 28.
Moe: Quiet!

Moe: If you're going to bump yourself off in an hour, what's the idea of eating pie?
Curly: So I can di-gest right. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Moe, Curly, Larry: [dressed up like ballerinas, sing-song] We're dressed like ballerinas, of course you know we're not, and what you're about to see now folks, is something we ain't got.

Three Little Pigskins (1934)
Moe: [Curley shows up after Moe and Larry have waited five hours] Where ya been?
Curley: You told me to go to the red light, didn't you?
Moe: And?
Curley: Well, that red light was a bus going to Boston.

Lulu Banks: Girls! I got em, I got em!
Molly Gray: What, the dinner?
Lulu Banks: No, no, the three horsemen... Come in guys, and meet the girls!
Larry: [to Daisy] Honey, will you marry me?
Moe: [to Lulu] Oh toots, I'm telling you you've more than won me!
Curley: Low man again.
[sees Molly]
Curley: Woo, woo, woo!

Joe Stacks: Do you guys want to play football for me?
[takes out wad of money]
Joe Stacks: [Moe and Larry nod. Curley shakes his head no]
Curley: We can't play football.
Joe Stacks: Oh, I get it... You're afraid of losing your amateur status, right?
[the Three Stooges look behind them]
Joe Stacks: That's all right, I'll protect you guys.
Joe Stacks: [waves money at them] Listen... no one will ever see you play... no one will ever hear to play... we'll play behind closed doors. Well, what do you say?
[They all go to take the money]
Moe: Spread out!
[takes money]

Molly Gray: I bet you're the best football player.
Curley: I can't play football!
Molly Gray: Oh, you heroes are all so modest.
[Curley blushes]
Molly Gray: What I really meant was, what's included in your curriculum?
[Curley looks confused]
Molly Gray: I mean, what do you study?
Curley: Oh... music, songwriting, whatnots.
Molly Gray: Songwriting?
Curley: Yeah. You ever hear of "snow, snow, beautiful snow"?
Molly Gray: Why, yes! Did you write that?
Curley: No, I shoveled it!

A Pain in the Pullman (1936)
Paul Pain: I'm Paul Pain, the heart throb of millions!
Larry: What's a heart throb?
Curly: A pain in the neck! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Curly: [looking in a cookbook with their monkey Joe on his shoulder] There's someplace in this book that says how to cook a monkey.
[Joe lightly raps him on the head a few times]
Moe: Joe's right, we can't eat the act.

Johnson: [after the Three Stooges fall out of bed] Aren't you guys asleep yet?
Curly: Certainly, I dreamed we saw a swimmin' pool, so we dove in.
Johnson: Well, dive back in your berth, or I'll make you dive off this train!

Moe: [Looking at the dish of crab] Well, wise guys, what is it?
Larry: It's a spider.
Curly: Toitle!

Cactus Makes Perfect (1942)
Ma Stooge: [sobbing] Goodbye boys, here's five dollars.
Curly: Thanks!
Ma Stooge: [angrily] You would take it!
[Ma smacks Curly]

[after Curly fires another arrow, and then finds that the Heavyset Prospector has it, after the arrow hit him in the butt, detecting the 'poke of gold' he had put in his back pocket]
Curly: Hey, that belongs to me!
Heavyset prospector: [Matter-of-fact] That's all I wanted to know!
[He fires his gun, spinning Curly's hat the other way. The three run off]

Gold mine 'salesman': 100,000 tons of pure gold. At $35 an ounce, think of it.
Moe: I can't. How much that in round numbers.
Curly: [Curly moves his head left to right with calculator sounds and ends with a ding, pulls calculator paper out of his mouth, reads it] That's 80 billion, 61 million and 51 cents of a fraction.

Curly: [the prospectors slip a stick of dynamite with the fuse lit through the iron door where Moe, Larry and Curly are behind, Curly picks it up] Oh, a roman candle... zhhhhhhhhh... boom! Cuckoo! 4th of July! Ha ha ha!
Moe: Hey, marblehead, you know what that thing is you're holding there? That's dynamite!
Curly: You mean the things with the... nyaaaaaaa!
[quickly slips it back through the hole in the door]

An Ache in Every Stake (1941)
Curly: [wakes up with his head stuck in a block of ice] Moe! Defrost me!

Curly: [runs up a long flight of stairs with a giant ice block] Where should I put it?
Mrs. Lawrence: [the ice block has melted into a tiny cube] Well you can put that one in your pocket.
Curly: Whoa! Hey Moe, look!

Moe: [singing] We baked you a birthday cake...
Larry: If you get a tummy ache...
Curly: And you moan and groan and woe...
Moe, Larry, Curly: Don't forget we told you so! Happy birthday!

Larry: [hands Curly a block of ice] Here.
Moe: [hands Curly another block of ice] Here!
Curly: Here?
Moe: No, up there!
Curly: Nyaaaah!

Grips, Grunts and Groans (1937)
Moe: What's a matter, kid, ya nervous?
Curly: Nooo, I'm scared.

Moe: Listen, Bustoff you can't drink that. That's alcohol.
Ivan Bustoff: That's not alcohol. That's just a little tequila, vodka and cognac.
Curly: Oh, that's different go ahead.

Tony: Bustov has the biggest fight of his life today, and you're here gettin' him stewed!
Curly: Yeah, but he's payin' for it!

Curly: [Moe and Larry are punching, kicking and choking Curly to get him to agree to spar with Kid Pinkie for $5] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! If I'm gonna get beat up, I wanna get paid for it.

Pardon My Scotch (1935)
Scotsman: Are you laddies by any chance from Loch Lomond?
Curley: No, we're from Lock Jaw.

Moe: [after brewing their Scotch] This oughta pick him up.
Curley: And lay him down, too.

Larry: Maybe we'd better humour him.
Curley: I'll marry him, if there's enough dough in it.

Mrs. Walton: The gentlemen are going to do their native dance.
Curley: I ain't gonna take my clothes off for anybody!

Nutty But Nice (1940)
Moe: Hiya, doctor.
Dr. Walters: Hi, what have you today boys?
Moe: Tell him what we have.
Curly: Well, doc I've a terrific pain right here. Everytime I squeeze my Adam's Apple I can taste cider.

Curly: This soup is a marvelous accomplishment! It's a prodigious achievement! You're gonna love it! It's putrid!

Curly: [Curly seems to have an arrow through his stomach] I'm dead. I'm murdered. I'm killed. I'm annihilated. What will the world do without me? What will I do without myself?
[Moe has a closer look to see that's a curved-in- the-middle fake arrow that's around his waist, he pulls it off]
Curly: I'm slaughtered. I'm annihilated. I'm destroyed. I'm barbecued. I'm done for!
[to Moe]
Curly: Can you think of anything else?
Moe: No. You covered it all.
Curly: I'm not even wounded?
Moe: That's what you think.
[strikes him in the gut with the fake arrow]

The Three Stooges (2000) (TV)
Jerome 'Curly' Howard: Hey Moe, what do you mean hitting me like that?
Moe Howard: I'm sorry, Babe. I didn't mean it.
Jerome 'Curly' Howard: Next time, make it harder so they can hear it in the back row.

Jack L. Warner: Good evening boys, allow me to introduce myself, Jack Warner.
Moe Howard: One of the Warner Brothers?
Jack L. Warner: *The* Warner Brothers. Enjoyed your act.
Moe Howard: Enchanted!
Larry Fine: Enraptured!
Jerome 'Curly' Howard: Embalmed!

Jerome 'Curly' Howard: I'm sorry Moe, I'm sorry I talked that way. I'm just temperamental, you know me.
Moe Howard: Yeah, 95 percent temper, 5 percent mental.

Idiots Deluxe (1945)
Judge: Mr. Moe, you're accused of assaulting your two roommates with intent to commit mayhem.
Curly: You mean murder!
Larry: Yeah, and he tried to kill us, too!

Moe: [Curly accidentally spills spaghetti on him] You're a nitwit, that's what you are! What's the matter with you?
Curly: Hey Moe, there's a b-b-b-b-bear in the window.
Moe: You're wacky. What do you mean a bear in the window? There's no bear around here.
[Moe goes to the window and looks around; the bear growls and smacks him in the head]
Moe: Oh! Oh! Oh! You're right. There is a bear around here.

Curly: [Thinking Moe is dead] Poor Moe.
Larry: Oh woe is Moe.
Moe: [Comes up with an ax] Oh WOE is you!
Larry: Woe Moe!

Three Little Sew and Sews (1939)
Spy: One move out of you, and I'll kill you.
Curly: If you do, I'll never talk to you again!

Curly: Gasoline don't taste so good since Prohibition. They ain't so careful like when they used it for makin' gin.

Curly: Smells like somebody's fryin' onions.

They Stooge to Conga (1943)
Curly: Quit that double talk, I want to hear the Lone Ranger!

Curly: Hello Ma? Hello Pa? It was a glorious battle!

Lady: The doorbell isn't working. Can you fix it?
Moe: Can we FIX it?
Larry: Can we FIX it?
Curly: Can we?

Sock-a-Bye Baby (1942)
Larry: Hey, what do kids eat?
Moe: What do kids eat? That's easy. Soft stuff; no bones, no potato chips. What did you eat when you were a baby?
Curly: Weeds.

Moe: Isn't he cute?
Curly: Gee, I wonder if I looked like that when I was delivered by the stork.
Moe: When you were born, you were delivered by a buzzard.
Curly: Oh, special delivery, eh?

[trying to eat an artichoke]
Curly: I'd like to meet the guy who invented these barbed-wire pineapples!

Plane Nuts (1933)
Curly: Right here's where we go into a snappy gag.
Ted Healy: Well, go in to something.

Curly: Right here we're compelled to cut the act and go into another snappy gag.

Curly: What would you do if a girl kissed you?
Moe: I'd kiss her back.
Curly: What if she were a real tall girl?

Back from the Front (1943)
Moe: [Dressed as Hitler] Ach, ich ich ich ach, ach ze vompen ze hast haben! Ja? You fail to catch three spies! Blow out your brains!
Herr Capitan: But mein fuher, ve are nazis! Ve have no brains!
Moe: Zen vat you got, blow out!
Herr Capitan: Heil Hitler!
Moe: Hang Hitler! Ven my field marshall counts three, start blowing!
Curly: One!... What comes after one?
Moe: TWO! Never mind, fat boy, I count myself. One! Two! Th... t... t... ACHOO!
Herr Capitan: [Picks up mustache that Moe sneezed off] Oh, mein fuher!
Moe: Oh, my personality, thanks buddy.

Curly: [the Stooges are leaning over the railing of the ship] Hi, fellas! Oh, where'd you get the suntan?
Moe: Ooh, I'm seasick...
Curly: It's only mind over matter! That's all! Here, Moe, have some of my raw liver!
[Moe holds his mouth and runs away]
Curly: What's wrong with him? Hey Larry, share my raw liver, it's delicious!
[Larry runs away covering his mouth]
Curly: What's the matter with you guys? Ya can't take it!
[laughs, takes a bite of his raw liver. Suddenly realizes where he is, turns around and collapses, leaning over the railing of the ship]

Moe: [hiding on the Nazi ship with Curly and Larry] We gotta get into Nazi uniforms, somehow. If we're discovered, we're lost.
Curly: You're crazy. If we're discovered, we're found.

Boobs in Arms (1940)
Curly: [laughing] I think we're captured!
Moe: [laughing] They'll probably shoot us!

Curly: [to Moe, whom he has just pushed into a puddle] Hey! What's the idea 'a goin' swimmin'? We got woik ta do!

Curly: [reading a greeting card] Greetings little shut-in, don't you weep or sigh, if you're not out by Christmas, you'll be out the 4th of July.

Matri-Phony (1942)
Guard at Pottery Shop: Hey, what's behind those drapes?
Curleycue: The back of the drapes!

Curleycue: Oh, food! Vitamins A, B, C, D, E, F, gee, I love food!

Curleycue: [holding an urn] There's a pretty thing! A tenth-century razpanyasechekinifuchiyajiminiharonji!

Violent Is the Word for Curly (1938)
Curly: [to cute coed] I'll meet you in the gymnasium after class. I'll be standing next to the dumbbells. You'll know me, I'll be wearing a hat.

Miss Katsby: Oh, you'll just love it. Mildew has a lovely student body.
Curly: Yours wouldn't be so bad either if you took off about twenty pounds!

Acme Service Station Owner: I'm going across the street, men, for a sandwich. Now listen, when the customers come in, give 'em service. Now, this is your first day on the job, so show me that you've got what it takes. Don't be afraid to push those sponges around. Use a little elbow grease!
Curly: Suppose it's knee-action?
[Moe backhand slaps Curly]
Curly: [getting in Larry's face] What's the idea?
Larry: Mistaken identity!
[points at Moe]
Curly: [waving nervously at Moe] Hiya, pal!

Three Loan Wolves (1946)
Larry: [Larry's holding a guitar. He bows to an imaginary audience and Moe walks up behind him and kicks him] Hey, what's the big idea? I was about to play Comin' Through the Corn.
Curly: You mean Rye.
Larry: The way I play it, it's Corn.
Moe: Where'd you get that?
Larry: This cost 50 bucks. A genuine stratosphere.
Moe: Stratosphere? Go play some air.

Moe: Get that kid a bottle with a nipple on it and milk in it. That's an order.
Curly: Aye aye.
Moe: Aye Aye?
Curly: Aye Aye
[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]
Curly: Aiee! Aiee!

Crash Goes the Hash (1944)
Flint - Butler: Such levity. You remind me of The Three Stooges.
Curly: Hey! That's an insult!

Curly: [serving a turkey dinner to a socialite] Hey, I just gave you the bird!

Spook Louder (1943)
Larry: [having just hit Curly] Hey! I just saw a ghost!
Curly: Was he a fat one?
Larry: Yeah!

Larry: Did he say blood?
Curly: I'm anemic!

Punch Drunks (1934)
Curley: What'll ya have?
Moe: I'll have four pieces of burnt toast and a rotten egg.
Curley: Why do you want that?
Moe: I gotta tapeworm and it's good enough for him.

Curley: Every time I hear that Weasel tune, something POPS inside me.

Tassels in the Air (1938)
Maggie Smirch: Omay?
Curly: Omay? Oh, you're wise to it too, eh? Omay's inside. I'm Umday.

Moe: Boy are you umday!
Curly: Oh, you mean I'm Umday in pig language?
Moe: You're umday in any language.

Calling All Curs (1939)
Dr. Curly: [Larry is washing his socks]
[to Larry]
Dr. Curly: What are you doing?
Dr. Larry: [to Curly] Well, it's Monday isn't it?
Dr. Curly: [throws socks at Larry] Come on we have operating to do.

Dr. Moe: [on loudspeaker] Calling Dr. Curly. Calling Dr. Curly.
Dr. Curly: What do you want?
Dr. Moe: Listen, you onion head, you march yourself in here and wash that dog.
Dr. Curly: Oh, you do it yourself.
Dr. Moe: Oh, mutiny, eh?
Dr. Curly: Yeah, and it's not out on the bounty.
[sticks out tongue and gets punched through loud speaker by Moe]
Dr. Moe: [sticks head out of loudspeaker] Now come in here like I told you.
[Curly starts to leave]
Dr. Moe: [Moe's head is stuck in loudspeaker] Hey, what a minute. I'm stuck.
Dr. Curly: Are you sure?
Dr. Moe: I'm positive I can't move.
Dr. Curly: Oh!
[plucks Moe's eyebrows]
Dr. Curly: She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me.
[Curly then pulls off loudspeaker and barks at Moe and takes off]

"WWE Raw: Episode #20.15" (2012)
Moe: Hey, it's Santino Marella.
Santino Marella: What are you guys doing here?
Moe: Well, we're on our promotional tour for our movie "The Three Stooges", which opens this Friday, April 13th.
Larry: Yeah, and the studio asked us if we wouldn't mind being shipped up to D.C. for WWE RAW.
Curly: So we said soitenly. Then we woke up in that box somewhere over Kansas. Nyuk nyuk.
Santino Marella: The Larry, the Curly, and the Moe. Let me ask you this: what are you three knuckleheads having planned for the live studio audience tonight?
Moe: Oh, well we, uh... what's the plan?
[Moe slaps Larry]
Larry: Hey, what's the plan?
[Larry slaps Curly]
Curly: Ooh! What's the plan?
[Curly slaps Santino; Santino in turn slaps all three in a row]
Santino Marella: You guys come here and you don't even have plans?
Larry: No, I... I was planning on catching up with the WWE Divas. You know, exchanging some hair tips, maybe taking them out to Chinese food and seeing where things end up.
Moe: [holding his fist out] See where this ends up.
[Larry slaps Moe's fist; Moe's arm winds around in a circle and bonks Larry on the head]
Santino Marella: Hey, I like that move! Can I borrow that sometime?
Moe: Oh, sure. Anytime, Santino. Now wait a minute, can you show me your cobra move?
Santino Marella: [laughs] Okay, no problem.
[Santino demonstrates as he talks]
Santino Marella: First you do this.
Moe: [copying Santino] Go like that.
Santino Marella: Followed by this. Don't forget this. And of course, there's this.

Curly: I never got my in-flight meal.
Moe: Here's a knuckle sandwich.
[slaps Curly]

The Yoke's on Me (1944)
Curly: Hey, look! A pelican.
Moe: That's no pelican. It's a gander.
Curly: Mahatma Gander?
Moe: A gander. A gander! A goose's husband.
Curly: Oh.
Larry: Yeah, a papa goose.
Curly: Do they have papa and mama gooseses?
Larry: Oh, sure. And little baby gooseses, too.
Curly: Oh, I read about them. They come from Germany: the Goose-stapo.
Moe: Look, if you don't stop, I'll give you a pop.
Curly: What flavor?
Moe: Five delicious flavors.
[Moe slaps Curly]

Larry: I don't see a single cow.
Curly: I don't even see a married one.

What's the Matador? (1942)
Curly: Dear old Mexico, the warmth of your chilli will bring new zest to my breast, and vicea versa.
Moe: Can the chatter, or I'll give you new fingers in the eyes!
Curly: Have you got new ones?
Moe: *Holds up his two grubby fingers* What are these?
Moe: Those are the old ones!
Moe: They'll do!
[Pokes Curly in the eyes]

Jose Sanchez: How dare you hug my wife in front of my eyes!
Curly: Well turn around, and I'll hug her behind your back!

Monkey Businessmen (1946)
Moe: [after a loud crash is heard in the other room, you see Curly with a ladder fallen down on top of him] You lame brain, why don't you be careful when you climb up a ladder?
Curly: I only climbed up seven steps.
Moe: That ladder had six!
[slaps Curly on top of the head]
Smiling Sam McGann: What's going on here?
[Moe and Larry drop the pipes they are holding onto Curly's head]
Smiling Sam McGann: Listen, you jugheads. The lights are still out in my office. I want juice and I want it right away!
Curly: Here you are.
[hands Smiling Sam McGann a wire with the end stripped, McGann holds it and gets electrocuted]
Smiling Sam McGann: Ohhh! Ow! Ohhhhhh! Ow!
[lets go of the wire]
Smiling Sam McGann: You jugheads pick up that stuff and get to work or I'll strangle ya!
[they pick up the pipes and accidentally hit him in the head, knocking him senseless, they guide him through the door]
Moe: We'll take care of everything.
[closes the door]
Moe: Keep smiling, McGann.

Moe: We'll fool that guy. We'll cut through your skull so fast, he won't know the difference.
Curly: What about me?
Moe: You won't know the difference either.

From Nurse to Worse (1940)
Curly: That's my favorite dollar!
Moe: What do you mean your favorite dollar?
Curly: I raised it from a cent, now cut it out!

[the stooges are hiding on a stretcher under a blanket in the morgue. Two orderlies enter the room and see what they believe are cadavers]
Orderly: [to younger orderly] Move these bodies to the crematory.
Orderly: Yes sir, the crematory.
Curly: Crematory?
[younger orderly listens with shock]
Moe: Boy that's a real hot foot!
Larry: Let's get outta here!
[they throw the blanket off and run off, prompting the younger orderly to scream in fear]

Uncivil War Birds (1946)
Ringa Belle: I know you'll be at least a colonel.
Curly: I'll be more than a colonel - I'll be a corporal. Good-bye!

Union Lieutenant: Forward march, you fools!
[Curly remains]
Union Lieutenant: What's the matter with you?
Curly: I'm no fool!
Union Lieutenant: Forward march, you idiot!
Curly: [marching] That's different.

Idle Roomers (1943)
Hazel's roommate: Wolf! Wolf! Ahhhhhh!
Curly: Who, me? I resemble that remark.
Moe: I told you your face scares people. Why don't you throw it away?
[looks behind him and sees Lupe the Wolf Man]
Moe: Yaaaa... aaaa... aaaa!
[runs off]
Curly: [mockingly] Yaaaaaa... Hey lady. I ain't that ugly. Or am I?
[Curly goes to the mirror and sees Lupe in broken mirror frame]
Curly: Naaaaaaaa! Oh no! I think you got something there, I just scared myself!
Curly: [looks again, feels his chin and Lupe does the same thing] I need a shave but I don't feel any whiskers.
[smiles, Lupe does the same thing]
Curly: Hey lady, I'm losing my teeth. I think I got pyarhea.
[feels his head. Lupe does the same thing]
Curly: That can't be me. That looking glass is doity.
[puts his hand to the broken mirror frame and Lupe touches hands with him and both hands move in a circle. Then Curly blows into the frame and Lupe roars and leans out of the broken frame. Curly runs off]

Curly: Wait a minute, wait a minute! I want my tip!
Moe: Well, I'll give you one: get out!

Flat Foot Stooges (1938)
Curly: I can afford to lose a few pounds... I'm too pleasingly plump as it is.

Curly: Hey, we're doin' the Corrigan!

Yes, We Have No Bonanza (1939)
Curly: I'll cook the supper. How about scrambled eggs smothered in steak?
Moe: Sounds swell to me. Where are the eggs?
Curly: On top of the burro, so they'll be nice and fresh in the sun.
Moe: Yeah, we'll... get goin' before we starve here. C'mon.
Curly: Oh, fresh henfruit. Handle with care.
[tosses eggs to Moe]
Curly: A sack of flour comin' down!
[tosses sack of flour down. Moe is forced to drop the eggs to catch the flour]
Moe: Ya nitwit, now you broke the eggs!
[Newly hatched chicks are walking around the broken eggs]
Curly: So what? We'll have steak smothered in lamb chops... and maybe chicken on the side! Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
Moe: Well, you fix it, I've got some prospecting to do. Hand me down that dynamite, and be careful!
Curly: I'll handle it as if it were eggs!... I mean, I'll be careful!

Moe: One beer!
Curly: One beer coming up.
[fills mug and holds it up in the air with one hand]
Curly: 87,54,33 hike!
[throws the mug horizontally to Moe who catches it and puts it on the table]
Larry: Draw one!
Curly: Draw one!
[fills mug and holds it up in the air with one hand]
Curly: Hike! On the way!
[throws the mug to Larry who catches it the wrong way, the contents of the mug fly out onto Moe, getting him soaked]
Larry: I'm sorry, Moe.
Moe: Don't worry, it was just an accident.
[grabs the beer mug and smashes it on Larry's head]
Moe: That was no accident. Who did you think I was, a customer?
[grabs him by the hair]

Busy Buddies (1944)
Moe: If we get a penny a poster and hang 25 a day, when will we have 97 bucks?
Curly: [Curly moves his finger around like an imaginary pencil on paper for a while] Sunday night.
Moe: Good.
Curly: 1992.
[Moe hits him in the forehead]

Curly: Are you casting asparagus on my cooking?

A Bird in the Head (1946)
Moe: Say, are you scared?
Curly: No. Its silly to be scared.
Larry: It sure is!
Curly: Boy, am I silly...

The Three Troubledoers (1946)
Moe: [after the Stooges fall off a tandem bicycle] Were you looking where you were going?
Curly: No, I was going where I was looking.

G.I. Wanna Home (1946)
Curly: If I'm going to work like a horse, I'm gonna eat like one.

How High Is Up? (1940)
Moe: [sarcastically] Three of the best riveters who ever riveted. Why didn't you tell them you were a groundhog?
Curly: Listen, you laugh when you say that!
Moe: HA, HA, HA.
[slaps Curly]

Micro-Phonies (1945)
Moe: [in the studio room, at the microphone] Oh, a micro-phoney.
Curly: [about Moe] And a phoney at the mic!

Playing the Ponies (1937)
Moe: What's the big idea?
Curly: You told me to race him around the track and I did... and I beat him. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Higher Than a Kite (1943)
Moe: [to Curly] And what did you answer when they asked what does a navigator do?
Curly: I told them a navigator crawls through a swamp until it becomes a suitcase, and bites like this too.
[Gestures his hands with the snapping motion of an alligator's jaws, with growling imitation]
Moe: No, like this.
[Uses horizontal motion of alligator's jaws, then slaps Curly with both hands]

Mutts to You (1938)
Policeman O'Halloran: That's a fine broth of a boy you have there. Is he on the bottle yet?
Curly: I should say not. He don't smoke, drink nor chew.

False Alarms (1936)
Fire Chief: If this were the army I'd have you shot at sunrise!
Curly: But you couldn't do that, cap, we don't get up that early!

Rockin' in the Rockies (1945)
Shorty Williams: Remember pardners, woman is the root of all evil.
Curly: Gimme some more of that root!

Even as IOU (1942)
Motorist: Just a second, these horses ran yesterday!
Curly: They won, didn't they!

3 Dumb Clucks (1937)
Curly: I got an idea in the back of my head!
Curly: Well, bring it out front!
[He hits him in the head]
Moe: What is it?
Curly: You knocked it clear out!

Gents Without Cents (1944)
Flo: Who are you, and what are you doing in here?
Larry: Well... we came up here to break your neck.
Flo, Mary, Shirley: [threateningly] Oh, yeah?
Curly: Wait a minute! That's before we saw you.
Moe: You see, we live in the room below. We was rehearsing our act, but you were dancing and...
Curly: [pointing to a spot on his head] The chandelier hit me in the head.
Flo: Oh, what an awful lump.
Curly: That's no lump, that's my head.

Swing Parade of 1946 (1946)
Moose: Get the wrench!
Curly: Wrench?
Larry: Monkey!
Curly: Don't be poisanal!

Rockin' Thru the Rockies (1940)
Nell: The only thing that keeps me from killing you birds is that I'm short on bullets!
Curly: Oh, I've got plenty of bullets.

Some More of Samoa (1941)
Moe: [Curly packs the phone in their bag] What's the idea of taking the phone?
Curly: Incase we get a call while we're out.
[phone rings, Curly answers]
Curly: Hello?
[sticks his head in the bag]
Curly: HELLO!
[Moe snaps the bag shut on his head]
Curly: YEOW!

All the World's a Stooge (1941)
Party Guest: How's your cold?
Curly: Oh, pretty good, but I still don't smell so good.
Party Guest: I'll say.

Three Sappy People (1939)
Moe: Remind me to tear out your Adam's apple!
Curly: I'll make a note of it.
[pulls out a pad of paper and a pencil]

The Sitter Downers (1937)
Larry: [pulling the girls names out of a hat to decide who will marry who] I got Florabell.
Florabell: Honey
[hugs Larry with spine crunching sound effect]
Florabell: Darling.
Moe: I got Corabell.
Corabell: Oh Darling.
Curly: [pulls out the hat tag] I get Stetson, which one is she?

Three Little Twirps (1943)
Curly: Gee, I haven't been to the circus since I got out of the fourth grade!
Moe: Yeah, and that was last year.