Larry Fine
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Quotes for
Larry Fine (Character)
from Punch Drunks (1934)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The Three Stooges (2012)
Moe: Hey, onion-head, go on back to the shed and grab the chainsaw.
Curly: Why doesn't Larry go?
Moe: 'Cause he's got a headache.
Larry: No, I don't.
[Moe bonks Larry on the head with a hammer]
Moe: How about now?
Larry: [holding his head] Yeah, it's coming on.

Larry: Yeah, what's it gonna take to save this place?
Monsignor Ratliffe: A lot of of this.
[rubs fingers together, indicating money]
Larry: Oh. Well, that's doable. How many boogers we talking about?
Monsignor Ratliffe: Not boogers; dollars, you moron!

Larry: [the orphanage's bell falls off the roof and hits a nun on the head below] Uh-oh. Is that Sister Mary-Mengele?
Curly: I don't know, but the face rings a bell.

Larry: $830,000. First taker gets a three-man working machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks.
Moe: That's right. No job is too small. We'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes.
Curly: We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. Nyuk nyuk.
[Moe slaps Curly]
Moe: What's the matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print.

Murph: Who won the poker game last night?
Moe: Eh, Peezer wiped us out.
Murph: Peezer? But he's 7.
Larry: Yeah but he wears those dark sunglasses, so you can't tell what he's thinking.

Larry: Hey, quit horsing around you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.
Curly: Oh, boy donuts! Where's mine?
Moe: They're small. Why don't you have two?
Curly: Okay.
[Moe sticks donuts in Curly's ears]
Curly: Oh, now look what you did, Moe! You got donut stuck in my ears!
Larry: Hey, look, you're in luck. They got a donut remover right here.
Moe: What's a donut remover?
Larry: It's one of these.
[reads the sign on the bell]
Larry: "Do-nut remove-uh."

Larry: Hey, bub, your trousers are falling down. Let me help you.
[Larry yanks up Gangbanger's pants]
Gang Banger: Hey, man, you trying to get yourself capped?
Larry: Oh, no thanks. I don't wear hats. Why would I with a head of hair like this?

Larry: Hey, little fella, want a peanut? Dolphin's love peanuts, you know. Here you go. Catch.
[Larry tosses peanut to dolphin and it falls into its blow hole, the dolphin chokes]
Curly: Oh, my God! I think he's snufficatin'!
Larry: Don't worry, pal, I know the Heineken maneuver.

Moe: What are you grubworms doing?
Curly: Getting seconds on lobster.
Moe: Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach.
Curly: I dipped it in pesto-bismol.
Moe: Oh, you like dipping, eh?
Curly: Yeah.
Moe: Come here.
[Moe dips Curly's head into the water, he pulls him out with a lobster attached to his face]
Larry: Hey, look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!
Moe: What did I tell you about puns?
[Moe stuffs the lobster down Larry's pants]

Larry: Hey. Who's this lady?
Ling: That's Teddo's wife, Lydia.
Larry: Teddy's wife?
Ling: Yep. Oh, she's one lucky girl.
Larry: Then who's the guy on the end?
Ling: Oh, that's Teddo's best friend, Mac.
Curly: Well, then who's Mr. Fancy-Pants in the top hot and scarf?
Ling: That's a snowman.
Larry: Yeah, but what's his name?

Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?
Mother Superior: Well...
Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why. Because we don't have any medical insurance.
Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.

Curly: Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Fellas, do something!
Larry: [nervously] Moe, Moe!
Moe: What's the matter with y...
Curly: Call 411
Moe: [to Larry] Quick, help me grab sister M and M before chowderhead crushes her!
[bonks to a water retainer, Curly falls on top of her, Mary-Mengele groans]
Moe: [to Curly] You, help out.
[to Larry]
Moe: You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.
[metal from the bell hits Mary-Mengele thru the bucket]
Larry: See? I told you there's too much iron in the water.
Moe: Speak to me, sis. Say a few parables!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [dizzy and hallucinating] I saved 15% on my car insurance.
Larry: She seems fine to me.
Moe: Come on, let's go see what Mother Superior wants.
[Sister Mary-Mengele's head hits the water retainer]
Moe: [groans]

Moe: Fellas, it's too high -
[Larry and Curly collide with Moe, nearly pushing him over the rooftop]
Moe: Aaah!
[Larry and Curly catch Moe by the legs and pull him back to the roof]
Moe: Why you lamebrains!
[Moe slaps Larry and Curly across their faces]
Larry: Hey, look, a fire hose! We can lower ourselves down to the ground.
Moe: The kid's right, it's foolproof! Come on.
[the Stooges unwind the fire hose and jump down to the ground below; the hose comes off its reel and the Stooges drop to the ground, landing on Teddy]
Moe, Curly, Larry: Aah-aah!
[the hose's reel hits Moe on the head as Teddy gets back on his feet]
Moe: Ow! Why don't you watch where you're going, bud?
Teddy: I'm sorry, 100 percent my fault. Sometimes I just get lost in my own head and I - Moe? Larry, Curly, is that you?
Moe: Depends who's asking.
Teddy: It's me, Teddo J. Harter.
Moe: Who?
Teddy: Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy. You remember, Moe, I went home with your parents.
Moe: What're you trying to pull? The Teddy we knew was this tall and he only had one shoe.
Larry: Yeah, and he didn't sound like you.
Teddy: Here- here, look, I got a snapshot of me and the 'rents leaving the orphanage.
[the photo shows Teddy being adopted by his new parents and Moe being taken back by the nuns]
Larry: Hey, it is you.
[Larry looks at Teddy's photo]
Larry: I was wondering, how are Moe's folks doing? They seem like good eggs.
Teddy: Yeah, well Dad's doing great, I work with him at the law firm downtown; but Mother, she passed on several years ago, hunting accident.
Moe, Curly, Larry: Oh, sure, yeah.
Teddy: So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you.
[the Stooges recoil at the mention of "poke", being unaware that it's a different kind of "poke"]
Teddy: Better yet, I'll tweet you.
Curly: Oh, tweet us to dinner? Soitanly!

Teddy: Hey, wait a minute, where are you guys living?
Moe: You know the Ritz Carlton on Oak Street?
Teddy: Oh, sure.
Curly: Yeah, we're camped out in the dumpster out back.
Larry: But not the dirty, beat-up green one. It's the shiny blue one right next to it
Teddy: Oh... You know, I've got an idea: Why don't you guys come crash at my place, just until you get your feet back on the ground?
Larry: Oh boy, that sounds terrific!
Curly: Yeah, heh.
Moe: We're not going anywhere.
Larry: What are you talking about, Moe?
Moe: Thanks Teddy Bear, but we're gonna stay put. We got too many irons in the fire right now.
Teddy: Of course you do. Hey look, I gotta get going; I'm supposed to be visiting a friend. Wait, let's get a quick pic first.
Moe: What is that gadget?
Teddy: It's an iPhone.
Curly: [squints into Teddy's iPhone] Eye-phone? Hello? Hello! There's nobody there.
Teddy: Works better on your ear. Here, come on, everybody.
Moe: Where do you think you're going?
[Moe pulls Larry's hair]
Larry: Aah!
Moe: Here, let me get- Wait a minute, wait a second.
[Moe climbs on top of Curly and Larry as they pose for a quick photo]
Teddy: Smile!
[Teddy takes the Stooges' photo]
Teddy: [Teddy chuckles] Oh, that's great. It's so good to see you guys, really. You haven't changed a bit.

Larry: [after Moe has just refused Teddy's offer to stay at his place] Hey, what- Have you got rocks in your head? Teddy was trying to help us out, and you blew him off! What gives?
Moe: We'll help ourselves out.
Larry: Well, what about the orphanage? Teddy's dad has dough, maybe he would have given us the 800,000 bucks.
Moe: We don't need handouts from that chump; we told those kids we'd come up with the cash, and that's just what we are going to do.
Larry: Yeah, how?
Moe: Well... we still got that seed money, don't we?
Curly: Seed money?
Moe: The cash Mother Superior gave us.
[Moe reaches into his shoe and pulls out the seed money]
Moe: This 72 bucks is our ticket to riches.
Curly: Riches? Woo-woo, woo-woo. How do you figure?
Moe: Well, it's seed money, right? What do you do with seeds?
Larry: Spit 'em out.
[Moe slaps Larry]
Larry: Ow!
Moe: You plant them. We'll become farmers.
Larry: Farmers? I always wanted to be a farmer.To the farm!
Curly: To the farm!
Moe: To the farm!
Larry, Moe, Curly: [Larry plays the kazoo as the Stooges sing] A farming we will go! A farming we will go, a farming we will go
Curly: Woo-hoo!
Larry, Moe, Curly: A farming we will go!

Larry: ["Turkey in the Straw" plays in the background; a sign reads "Rolling Gills, The Kings of Farm Raised Sammin"] Here's a little drink for you, Elsie.
Larry: [Larry holds a watering can over the salmon] Jonesy, you gotta hold still in order to get a drink. Hello, Maritza, you're getting your color back.
Curly: [Curly steps on a salmon to shoo the flies away] Ralphie don't look so good.
Moe: Poor guy's drying out.
Curly: Oh, good for you, Ralphie. Realizing there's a problem is half the battle, heh-heh.
Larry: Hey look, our first customer.
Curly: Woo-woo-woo.
Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: What are you doing?
Moe: Only selling the finest farm-raised salmon in the county, that's all.
Curly: Yeah, they're all free-range; no nets, no cages. They can go wherever they want.
Larry: Plus we have smoked salmon.
[Larry holds up a salmon with a cigar in its mouth]
Curly: Oh.
Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: But this is a golf course!
Larry: So what? We let 'em play through.
Curly: What's your beef?
Moe: Yeah, we're trying to save an orphanage. Look, are you here to buy fish, or are you just kicking the tires?
Larry: [a police car pulls up] Hey, do your job. Cart path only.
Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: I'll cart path you, you little -
[Moe pokes Lamson in the eyes]
Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-ah-ahh!
Curly: Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo!
[the Stooges run away]
Moe: It's the five-o, scram!
Officer Mycroft: You again!
Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-ah-ahh!
[the Stooges run off with a windmill, then throw it to the ground as they run away]
Larry: Oh, my back.
[the Stooges run through a hole in the hedge]

Moe: [riding on Curly's back and dangling a hot dog in front of him] Yah! Yah mule! Yah!
Moe: [the Stooges run into an alley] Whoa, whoa!
Moe: [Curly snorts like a horse] Easy Seabiscuit, easy!
Larry: [Larry pulls on a locked door] We're trapped like rats!
Moe: Speak for yourself, rodent.
[Moe pushes Larry aside]
Moe: We're going to need a battering ram.
[Moe and Larry look at Curly]
Officer Mycroft: You go that way, I'll go this way!
[Officers Mycroft and Armstrong split up]
Officer Armstrong: Okay!
[Armstrong wheezes as he chases the Stooges on foot]
Moe, Larry: [Moe and Larry use Curly as a battering ram against the door] Heave-ho! Heave-ho!
Curly: Oh oh, fellas, ease up, you're squeezing my ankles too tight!
Moe: Quit your whining.
Moe, Larry: Ho!
[Curly groans from the pain as the Stooges break through the metal door]

Larry: Stop it! Stop in, Moe! I've had it with you! You're the cause of all our problems since day one.
Moe: How do you figure?
Larry: You should have gone and lived with Teddy's folks back when they wanted to adopt you!
Curly: Yeah, that way you could have come back and and helped us all out.
Larry: But no, the great and powerful Moe is too lazy to squeegee the pool.
Moe: Ah, you don't know what you're talking about.
Larry: Oh no? Why do you think we never got another shot at getting adopted again? Because when you messed it up that day, you messed it up for all of us!
Moe: Look, if you two got ants in your pants, then why don't you just leave? I'm getting sick and tired of looking at your monkey faces anyhow! Being with you two is like dragging around a couple of boat anchors!
[Larry and Curly quietly gasp to themselves]
Curly: Well, fine. Then... Good-bye, Moe.
Larry: Yeah... good-bye.
Moe: Well, what are you waitin' for? Go on, scram! I bet you two earthworms won't last a day without me!
[Curly grunts in annoyance, Larry picks up a clump of hair, and they both walk out]

Curly: [Curly and Larry are standing next to an ice-cream cooler cart] Ninety percent off all our treats, folks!
Larry: We got chocolate, vanilla, strawberry! No reasonable offer will be refused!
Curly: It's remarkable! It's refreshing!
Curly: [Larry lifts the cooler lid] Nyah-ah! It's repulsive!
Curly: [Larry slaps Curly] Grr! What was that for?
Larry: I told you we'd need more ice. Hey look, a zoo! What do you say we go in and chisel a lunch?
Curly: All right.

Larry: Need some help, folks, looking for our missing friend. $3.50 reward, dead or alive.
Curly: Here you are, pal, we're missing our pal. Thank you, sir.
Larry: Hey, get over there and staple up the rest of these flyers on the pronto.
Staple in Hat Guy: [Curly hums as he staples posters to a couple of trees, then accidentally nails one on the back of a man's head] Ow!
Curly: Oh, oh...
Staple in Hat Guy: Thanks a lot, buddy, now I got a hole in my head.
Larry: Hey, quit screwing with the public.
[Larry slaps Curly]
Curly: Grr, cut it out! Who do you think you are, huh?
Larry: Oh, I see: When Moe slugs you, it's okay, but when Larry does it, it's not good enough!
Curly: No, no, no Larry, it's good enough, it's just that... you're not doing it right. When Moe hits me, it's just... I don't know, better, you know?
Larry: Ah, you got rocks in your head, I'm hitting you just the same.
Curly: No, you're not: you do this,
[Curly punches Larry in the ribs and hits Larry's face with a light uppercut]
Curly: And Moe does this.
[Curly hits Larry in the stomach with a thud, and gives Larry a harder uppercut punch to the face with a bonk]
Curly: And Moe doesn't do this,
[Curly hits Larry on the nose with a fist]
Curly: He does this.
[Curly hits Larry's nose again a little harder, with a honking sound effect]
Curly: You see?
Larry: Ah, you're right. Come on, think. Where would we go if we was Moe?
[Final Jeopardy think music plays in the background]
Curly: Home!
Larry: Home, yeah.
[Larry and Curly walk off in separate directions; Larry whistles and Curly turns around, following Larry]

Mother Superior: [sees the Stooges beating up Monsignor Ratliffe and chases them away] Get off of him! Off, off! Oh, I'm so sorry! Oopsie-daisy! Oh, oh, I'm so sorry! What are you doing?
Larry: We caught this lounge lizard getting all handsy with the nuns!
Mother Superior: This is no lounge lizard! He's here on official business.
Curly: Official business? Why didn't you say so?
Larry: [the Stooges take off their work uniforms, with boxer shorts, white shirts and bowties underneath; they clap and snap their fingers in rhythm] Pick me, I'll clip your hedges!
Moe: I'll hedge your clippers.
Curly: I'll fetch your slippers.
Moe: I'll scrub the stench right off them dentures!
Monsignor Ratliffe: You idiots!
[Msgr. Ratliffe slaps all three of them at once]
Monsignor Ratliffe: I'm not here to adopt!
Mother Superior: This is Monsignor Ratliffe from the diocese.
Moe: Oh, sorry about that, Señor Ratlips.

Larry: We'll climb mountains!
Moe: We'll forge rivers!
Curly: We'll forge checks, nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Moe: Boy, what a hothead.
Larry: Women!
Moe: Wait a second, with her hubby laid out in the hospital nursing them tire tracks, it'll be easy pickings to slide a pillow over the poor schlump's face and give him the surprise sendoff he wanted!
Larry: Good thinking! We'll be doing the guy a favor and making enough money to save the orphanage! It's like killing two birds with one pillow!
Moe: It's colossal!
Larry: It's stupendous!
Curly: It's even mediocre!
Curly: [Moe honks Curly's nose] Ow!
Moe: Say ah.
Curly: Ahh...
Larry, Curly: [Moe grabs Curly by the lip and Larry by the nose] Nyah-ah-ahh!
Moe: Come on!

Curly: [the Stooges have just entered a room] Oh, that was a close one.
Moe: What is that? What's with the light?
Larry: I got a better question: Why didn't we go live with Teddy when we had the chance? Now we got no Teddy, no seed money, no nothing.
Curly: Yeah, shame on you, Moe. You put your pride ahead of them kids.
Moe: How dare you accuse me of having pride?
Curly: Mm-mm.
Moe: Back off.
Curly: I won't.
Moe: Okay kid, you got me. You know, I'm proud of you for finally standing up for yourself. Let's shake on it.
[Moe shakes Curly's hand]
Curly: Oh.
Moe: There you go.
[Moe shoves Curly away]
Moe: Get out of here!
Moe: [to Larry] This is all your fault!
Larry: Me?
Curly: Oh, oh!
[Curly rebounds from hitting a steel pillar and knocks Moe over from behind]
Moe: You start with a - Oh, sneaking up on me, eh?
[Moe slaps Larry and Curly]
Moe: And you! Get over here!
[Moe pulls Larry's hair, then hits Curly in the gut and then over the head with his two fists]
Curly: Ohh, ohh!
Moe: What's the matter with you? Whoa, whoa!
[Larry pokes Moe in the eyes,knocking him backwards over Curly and into a steel pillar]
Moe: Why you - !
[Moe picks up a block-and tackle cargo hook and aims for Curly's head]
Curly: Moe, not that! Anything but that! Nyah-ahh-ahh!
[the hook misses Curly and hits Larry in the head]

Larry: [Larry and Curly enter the orphanage] Hello?
Curly: Anybody home?
[a TV commercial voice can be heard: "Hi, I'm Al Cerrone. Four-wheel drive SUVs just like this, with a gas saving, six-cylinder engine, only $19,995; and pickups, automatic and air, only $16,000. My promise is you'll be..."]
Larry: Sister Ricarda.
Sister Ricarda: Boys, what are you doing here?
Curly: We've been looking everywhere for Moe. Have you seen him?
Sister Ricarda: Yeah, I - I see him almost every night on TV. He's on that Jersey... beach people show.
Sister Ricarda: [Larry and Curly look at each other with surprise] You didn't know? Moe's a big celebrity now.
Curly: Oh... good for him.
Larry: Yeah... looks like he didn't need us after all... So, what happened here? Where are all the kids?
Sister Ricarda: Well, they're closing us down on Monday, so... we had to start moving everyone out.
Larry: But we told you to wait! We were gonna get the money!
Sister Ricarda: You got the money?
Curly: We got the money?
Larry: Well... no... but we're working on it.
Curly, Sister Ricarda: Oh. Oh.
Peezer: Well, at least you tried.
Larry, Curly: Peez!
[Larry and Curly chuckle, Larry gives Peezer a high five]
Larry: Thank God you're still here!
Peezer: They tried to shoo me out, but I told them I wasn't leaving without her.
Curly: Without who?
[Larry, Curly, and Peezer go into the next room where Mother Superior is praying at Murph's bedside]
Curly: Murph?
Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.
Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?
Mother Superior: Well...
Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mary-Mengele interrupts Mother Superior] I'll tell you why... Because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry: 830,000 bucks. We prefer it in hundreds, folks.
Larry: [Larry sees an archery bow on the sidewalk] Hm.
Larry: [Larry picks up the bow, stretches its bowstring to test it, then shoots an arrow into the air] Wow, in the wrong hands, this thing could be dangerous.

Larry: Guys, we've been at this for days now, and all I got is a hole in my shoe.
Moe: [Larry lifts his foot to reveal a hole in his shoe's sole, which is worn out] Aw, the kid's right, there must be a better way to make a living. Come on, think!
Curly: [Final Jeopardy think music plays in the background as the Stooges pace around while Curly hums, then gasps] No, no...
Curly: [Curly resumes humming, then snaps his fingers; then he goes to the sidewalk and starts spinning about on his side as if he was break-dancing] Woo! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo!
Larry: Look, he's on to something!
Moe: Spit it out, tiger!
Curly: [Curly rubs his butt on the sidewalk] I can't, it's stuck! Jar it loose, Moe!
Curly: [Moe hits Curly on the back of his neck] What about a job where you could sleep all day, meet beautiful babes at night, and make millions for doing absolutely nothing?
Moe: Oh boy, that's genius! So, what's the job?
Curly: That is the job!
Moe: Oh that - And who's going to pay you?
Curly: The boss!
Larry: You know, it's just crazy enough to work!
Moe: Why you...!
[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]
Curly: Ohh!
Moe: And you! Ow!
[Moe tries to poke Larry, but he ends up hitting Larry's sandwich board sign, Larry laughs]
Moe: Come on in here!
[Moe knocks Larry's and Curly's heads together]
Curly: Oh, oh, oh! Oh look, Moe, I think we got a customer!

Curly: Oh, oh look Moe, I think we got a customer!
[the theme from "Perry Mason" plays in the background]
Larry: Whoa, would you look at those getaway sticks!
Curly: Rowf, rowf, rowf!
[Curly pants like a dog]
Moe: Spread out!
Moe: [Lydia approaches] I'm the foreman here, what can we do for you?
Lydia: I'll pay you $830,000 for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes.
Curly: Oh, we'll take it. Who do we have to murder?
Lydia: [the Stooges chuckle] My husband.
Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-aah-aah!
[Curly's teeth chatter nervously]
Moe: Sorry lady, you came to the wrong place; we're working stiffs, not common crooks!
Lydia: But you don't understand, you will be doing him a great service.
Larry: Says who?
Mac: [Mac gets out of the car] Says me.
Moe: Who are you?
Mac: I'm her husband.
[Mac kisses Lydia]
Larry: Wait a minute, you mean to tell me she's planning your funeral, and you're okay with it?
Mac: Well, I know it all sounds a bit peculiar...
Curly: No no no, that doesn't sound peculiar, this sounds peculiar.
[Curly puts his hands to his head and shakes it around, chuckles]
Mac: [Mac groans as if he's in pain] Ow!
Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. Pain increasing daily... till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".
[Larry and Curly laugh]
Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?
Curly: Yeah.
Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!

Mac: Ohh!
Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more, pain increasing daily until I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".
[Larry and Curly laugh]
Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, "coma-toes", huh?
Curly: Yeah.
Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!
Moe: Are they awake now?
[Curly growls]
Mac: Gentlemen,
[the Stooges look around, unaware that Mac is referring to them]
Mac: Gentlemen.
Curly, Moe, Larry: Oh.
Mac: I'm sure you can understand why I... prefer to leave this world on my own terms, rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.
Moe: I don't know, it sounds illegal.
Larry: Wait a minute, legs. Did you say $830,000 bucks?
Lydia: I did.
Larry: [Larry whistles "Whew"] That's a good day's pay.
Curly: Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we' re looking for.
Moe: You're right. This must be fate, time-bomb. You can count us in!
Mac: [the Stooges shake Mac's hand] Ah, that's swell.

Ling: [Larry and Curly enter the office building where Teddy works; one sign reads "Ditcher, Quick & Hyde: Divorce Lawyers", another sign reads "Proba, Keester & Wintz: Proctologists"] Kickham, Harter, and Indagroyne, may I help you?
Ling: [on the phone] Yes, I'll connect you now.
Ling: [Ling hangs the phone up] Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but the clown college is on the ninth floor.
Larry: Oh, no, I'm here to see Teddy Harter. Tell him it's his old pal, Larry, from the orphanage.
Ling: Oh, Teddo's not here. He's out making arrangements for his anniversary party.
Larry: All right, then, can I speak to his old man?
Ling: Mr. Harter is at lunch, but he should be back soon.
Larry: Nice glasses.
Ling: Thank you.
Larry: You got a little spot there, let me help you out.
[Larry takes Ling's glasses, licking them the with his tongue, followed by a spit-shine, wiping them clean]
Larry: [Larry hands Ling's glasses back to her] There you are, good as new. By the way, do not lick those, I'm just getting over pink-eye.

Larry: Mr. Harter! Just the guy I wanted to see.
Mr. Harter: I'll take the case. Please tell me it was Supercuts who did this to you.
Larry: No, it's me, Larry... Moe, Larry, Curly, remember? From the orphanage.
[Curly rhythmically claps his hands and barks]
Mr. Harter: Oh, my... goodness! Well, congratulations, you're still in remission. So... what brings you here?
Curly: Look, I'll cut to the chase, moneybags: we're in a jam. The orphanage needs 830 grand, or it's going belly-up.
Larry: Plus we got a sick kid getting fitted for angel wings.
Mr. Harter: Terrific! So, who do we sue?
Larry: Oh no, there's no one to sue; we need you to give us the money.
Curly: Yeah.
[Curly chuckles]
Larry: But we're not looking for a handout, mind ya. We'll work off every last penny right here in these halls.
Mr. Harter: [sighs] Look, I'm sorry, but, uh... I'm... committed to several other charities, and besides, I don't have that kind of money just laying around. But if you decide to sue the orphanage, I'm in.
Curly: Uh, Mr. H., please, I know what you're thinking: that we're both lazy bums like Moe, but - but we're not. Uh, some of us aren't afraid to get our hands dirty.
Mr. Harter: What? No, I never thought of Moe as lazy.
Larry: It's all right, that slug told us the whole story about why you dropped him back off.
Mr. Harter: Well, I can assure you it had nothing to do with his work ethic; he was ten. No, what - what happened was he wanted us to go back for you two, and frankly, it was... too much for us.
[Larry and Curly look at each other in amazement]
Curly: You mean... he wouldn't go without us?
Mr. Harter: No, he wouldn't. He was very adamant about wanting us to adopt all three of you, and... it was just out of the question, you understand. Anywho, got to skedaddle, late for a meeting. But if you ever do want to sue anyone for anything - a slip in the tub, a bone in the fish - I'm your guy.

Larry: We'll climb mountains!
Moe: We'll forge rivers!
Curly: We'll forge checks, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.

Moe: [the Stooges hitch a ride by hanging on to the rear bumper of Lydia's car, then they get off as they arrive at Teddy's mansion] Hey, do you smell garbage burning?
Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges look down and see that their shoe soles have been worn down and smoking from dragging on the ground; they start rapidly stamping to put out the fumes] Nyah-ah-aah!
Lydia: [gasps] What are you doing here?
Moe: We want the dough-re-mi you owe us, lady.
Curly: Yeah, 830,000 bucks.
Larry: Plus meals.
Carbunkle: May I have a moment, ma'am?
Lydia: Excuse me, gentlemen.
[Lydia goes aside to talk with Carbuncle]
Moe: Mind your P's and Q's.
Curly: But don't forget to dot the I's.
Moe: Certainly.
[Moe finger-pokes Curly in the eyes; Larry chuckles, and puts his hand up sideways to block Moe's eye poke attempt]
Larry: Nyahhh.
[Larry sticks his tongue out at Moe, who hits him on the forehead with his fist]
Larry: Ugh, ooh!
Carbunkle: [to Lydia] I'm afraid I have unfortunate news: I've just received word that Mr. Miosky was struck by a bus.
Lydia: Oh no, so Mac is dead?
Carbunkle: No.
Lydia: No? Are you sure?
Carbunkle: Oh, yes. He's still alive, but he's in bad shape. Your husband is in contact with the hospital. He said he'd call with any news.
Lydia: Thank you, Carbunkle.
[Carbunkle goes back inside]
Larry: Come on blondie, pay up. A deal's a deal!
[Lydia slaps all three Stooges with one stroke]
Lydia: Our deal was that you would get paid when my husband died, and on that count, you have failed miserably.
Moe: You mean he's still kicking?
Lydia: That's right, you idiots. You have ruined my life, now get out of here!
[Lydia knocks all three Stooges over the wall and onto the outside lawn]

Carbunkle: [checking the guest list] Madam... madam... Sir, madam.
Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges ride up to Teddy's mansion on a skateboard towed by a pack of large, white poodles, the tow rope slips out Moe's hand, and they knock Carbuncle into a flower bed] Nyah-ah-aah!
Carbunkle: Oh no, whoa!
Curly: Ohh, ohh.
Moe: What happened? Now we got to...
Moe: [the Stooges dust themselves off by slapping the dirt off each other's backs; Moe turns around, and Larry accidentally slaps him in the face, Moe grunts] Urgh-urgh-urgh! What's the matter with you? You had the rudder, don't you know how to drive?
Larry: It just went out of control. What kind of poodles are those anyway?
Moe: Standard.
Larry: Well, there's your problem, I can't drive a standard.
[Moe groans at the "standard drive" pun]
Carbunkle: You blithering idiots! What do you think you're doing?
Moe: Out of the way, Threepio, we got to get Teddy.
Carbunkle: [Carbunkle pushes the Stooges, who happen to be in a single-file line, back like dominoes] This is an invitation-only party! Now, good day!

Curly: Great, now what are we gonna do?
Maid: [to the party security guard] Here, send those balloon men in as soon as they get here.
Party Security: Will do.
Moe: [Moe snaps his fingers] That's our cue, boys. Come on!
Moe: [the Stooges carry several bunches of balloons] Balloon men coming through.
Larry: Out of our way, these things are heavy.
Moe: [the guard opens the gate; Moe hands him a balloon] There you go, crusher.

Larry: Need some help, folks, looking for our missing friend. $3.50 reward. dead or alive.
Curly: Here you are, pal; we're missing our pal.
Larry: Thank you, so - Hey, get over there and staple up the rest of those flyers on the pronto.
Curly: [Curly hums as he staples a couple of posters to some trees, then accidentally staples a poster into the back of a young man's head] Oh, oh.
Staple in Hat Guy: Thanks a lot, buddy! Now I got a hole in my head.
Larry: Hey, quit screwing with the public!
[Larry slaps Curly]
Curly: Grr! Cut it out! Who do you think you are, huh?
Larry: Oh, I get it: when Moe slugs you, it's okay, but when Larry does it, it's not good enough!
Curly: No no no Larry, it's good enough. It's just that... you're not doing it right. When Moe hits me, it's just... I don't know better, you know?
Larry: Aah, you've got rocks in your head! i'm hitting you just the same.
Curly: No you're not, you do this:
[Curly hits Larry on the chest and hits Larry's forehead]
Curly: And Moe does this,
[Curly punches Larry in the stomach and bonks Larry on the nose]
Curly: And Moe doesn't do this,
[Curly hits Larry's nose]
Curly: He does this.
[Curly hits Larry's nose, making a honking sound ]
Curly: Nose honk, see/
Larry: Ah, you're right Come on, think! Where would we go if we was Moe?
Curly: Home!
Larry: Home.

Mac: [after the Stooges have just agreed to Lydia's shady business proposal for $830,000] Thank you! Now, here's what we were thinking.
Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes?
Mac: I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night and smother me while I'm sleeping.
Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes, yes?
Mac: But, do not turn on the lights.
Moe, Larry, Curly: No, no, no.
Moe: Wait a minute, why don't you want the lights on?
Mac: Well, I want it to be a surprise.
Moe: Oh, I get it. You don't want to see it coming, eh?
Mac: Bingo.
Larry: Hey look, it's the guy from that thing all the kids are talking about!
Larry: [Curly belly-bumps Mac into the path of a city bus; Mac gets knocked several blocks ahead where a street sweeper runs over him] Whoa, whoa! Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help, help, help...!
Moe: [a kid jumps on Mac with his pogo stick, bouncing on his stomach, then the arrow Larry shot from the bow lands in Mac's right thigh; Mac faints] That settles that.
Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges take turns shaking each other's hands] Success, success, success. Success, success, suceess. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Lydia: [furiously] What did you do? That was not the plan!
Moe: What are you yakking about? He just said he didn't want to see it coming!
Larry: Hey, hey, you look like you could use a grief massage.
Lydia: Huh?
Larry: Let it go, let it go, try to live in the now.
Lydia: [Lydia frustrately pushes Larry away] Get off me!
Larry: [Lydia gets into her car and drives away] Too soon?

Curly: [Curly, Larry, and Peezer enter a room, where Murph is on a sick bed, and Mother Superior is praying at her bedside] Murph?
Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.
Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?
Mother Superior: [Peezer hops on Murph's bed] Well...
Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why: because we don't have any medical insurance.
Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.
Curly: Yeah.
Sister Mary-Mengele: Okay, that's it. I've had it with you! Do you want to know why we have no medical insurance? It's because you wombats have caused so many accidents over the years, there's not a company on this earth who'll cover us until we pay the $830,000 we owe for previous claims, and that's why we're being closed down!
Mother Superior: That's enough, Sister.
Curly: Wait, wh - You mean the orphanage is closing... because of us?
Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mother Superior nods sadly] Check it out: Larry, Curly, you're responsible for that!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [Larry and Curly look at Murph lying on her sickbed, with Peezer at her side] You are, and that other moron!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [a beep is heard, Larry and Curly think it's a flatline monitor] Oh, sorry, excuse me.
Sister Mary-Mengele: [the beep is revealed to be Mary-Mengele's cell phone, which she answers] Yes? No, no, I want it with custard, not whipped cream. I ordered an éclair, not a Twinkie!

Moe: [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.
Teddy: [barely awake] Who are you?
Moe: It's us, it's Moe...
Larry: Larry...
Curly: And Curly.
Teddy: [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?
Moe: All right buddy, we got you now.
Moe, Curly, Larry: [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!
Teddy: [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.
Moe: That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.
Curly: Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.
Larry: And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.
Teddy: [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?
Lydia: [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.
Moe: Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?
Teddy: [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?
Mac: [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.
Teddy: [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.
Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-ah-aah!
Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.
Mr. Harter: [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.
Mac: Not a problem.
[Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]
Teddy: Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?
Mac: It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.
Mr. Harter: No, Mac, I was calling the shots.
[Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]

Moe: [looking at the boarded-up orphanage] Well, we sure botched this one pretty good.
Larry: [with tears in his eyes] What else is new? I wonder what happened to Murph and Peeze and the rest of the gang.
Curly: [sniffles] I sure do miss those guys.
Curly: [distant laughter] Why, it's almost like I can hear the sweet childhood sounds of laughter and swimming and tennis.
Moe: [with tears] I know what you mean.
Moe: [Moe does a double-take reaction] Wait a minute! We didn't have swimming and tennis!
Curly: And we didn't have laughter!
Larry: Hey fellas, look!
[One orphan boy releases a clay pigeon skeet-shooting target and says "Pull!" the other shoots it and says "Yes!"; the Stooges go off to investigate]

Murph: Hey!
[Murph runs up to the Stooges with her fellow orphans]
Murph: Moe, Larry, Curly!
Moe: Hey, guys!
Moe, Curly, Larry: How are you guys? Hey, what's going on? Oh boy, did we miss you guys!
Murph: Welcome home, guys!
Larry: You look great, Murph!
Peezer: That's 'cause she's not sick any more!
Murph: Turns out I just had some form of metal poisoning.
Larry: Nobody listens to me; I told you there's too much iron in the water.

Larry: [Larry drinks from the fountain as if it were a dog dish] Ahh. You're up, pal.
Party Guest: No thanks... My, that's an interesting... haircut.
Larry: Ah, thanks, but it's not without some help. I have a great deal of product in there.
Larry: [Larry turns to Curly, who is drinking punch directly from the bowl] Hey! Where are your manners?
Larry: [Curly extends his pinky fingers and drinks from the punch bowl] Atta boy.
Larry: [Larry samples the dip with his finger] Hmm...
Curly: Ah, how's the dip?
Larry: Here, try it for yourself.
[Larry feeds Curly some of the dip from his fingers]
Curly: Mmm-mm!

Moe: [Moe and Curly have just come from a hospital dressing room disguised as nurses; Larry is wearing a doctor's lab coat] That the best you can do? You're scaring the customers.
Curly: I'm sorry, I didn't bring my false eyelashes.
Larry: [Moe tears part of Larry's eyebrows from his forehead] Owww! Hey! What's the big idea?
Moe: Mind your business.
Curly: [Moe applies the eyebrows he tore off Larry's forehead to Curly's eyes] No, Moe - what are you - Ooh, ooh!
Moe: [Curly grunts as Moe affixes the eyebrows] Hold still. There you go, there.
Curly: Oh...
[Curly chuckles]
Curly: Hmm, hmm.
Moe: Now go on over to that information desk and find out where the hubby's room is, hurry.
Larry: [Larry imitates a crooner by singing into the stethoscope] Buh-ba-ba-boo, buh-ba-ba-boo, buh-ba-ba-boo, ba-ba-ba...
Moe: Let me see that, ohh...
[Moe hits the part of the stethoscope used for listening to heartbeats with a rubber doctor's mallet, Larry hears a loud, reverberating thud in the stethoscope's earpieces]
Larry: Owww!
Curly: [disguised as a nurse] Excuse me, dreamsicle, that patient that got hit with a bus, what room is he in?
Orderly: That would be 386.
Curly: Okay, thank you.
Orderly: [the orderly takes Curly's wrist] Say, I haven't noticed you around here before. I like curvy woman.
Curly: [Curly giggles, holding a hand fan] Oh, I bet you say that to all the gals.
Orderly: What do you say, me and you go out Saturday night, grab some falafel and couple of pops? Huh?
Curly: [Curly giggles] Why wait, when you can have a pop right now?
[Curly slaps the orderly, leaving him with an amorous, love-smitten smile on his face]

Larry: Look, Moe, we owe you an apology.
Moe: No, fellas, I'm the one who owes you the apology. I know sometimes I tend to fly off the handle and...
Larry: No, you don't.
Moe: Yes, I do.
Curly: No, it's just that you get a little upset and...
Moe: [Moe flicks Larry and Curly on their noses, and then he slaps Larry and Curly] Shut up when I'm apologizing!
Larry: We don't have time for that! Teddy's in a jam!
Curly: Yeah, you know that woman who wanted us to take out her husband?
[Curly gasps and hisses]
Curly: She's married to Teddy!
Moe: No wonder she wanted us to smother him in his sleep!
Curly: Yeah.
Moe: I knew I smelled a...
Snooki, JWoww, Sammi: A rat! A rat! Eek!
Moe: [Moe picks up Nippy, Curly's pet rat] That's no rat, it's Nippy! How you doing, buddy? Aw, I missed you too, Nips.
Larry: Come on, we got work to do. We got to get to Teddy before his wife does.
Moe: Come on.
Curly: [Curly chuckles, and rhythmically snaps his fingers] Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Rrowff!
Moe: Come on, Romeo!
[Moe pulls Curly out of the studio by his ear]
Moe's Hip Executive: Are you kidding me? There's three of them?

Balloon Girl: [hanging on to the balloons which have risen to the sunroof] Mommy!
Moe, Larry, Curly: Nyah-ah-aah!
[one of the guests cries out "Oh!"]
Moe: Think of something, lamebrains!
Larry: [Larry points to a rifle on the wall] Hey look, a balloon popper.
Curly: Oh, heh-heh-heh.
[Larry gets the rifle from above the fireplace]
Larry: I'll get it!
[Larry starts to aim the rifle]
Moe: What's the matter with you? That's a kid up there! Where's your gun safety?
[Moe takes the rifle from Larry's hands, and hits him on the forehead with the rifle's butt end; the rifle fires, popping one of the balloons as the little girl falls on the cake below]
Balloon Girl: [laughing] That was awesome!
French Chef: Nooo-oh-oh-oh-ohhhh, oh-oh-ohhh! Mon gateau!
Moe: Come on, fellas.

Mac: [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?
Curly: Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.
Lydia: Who's Nippy?
Curly: Him.
[Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]
Lydia: [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!
Mac: [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!
Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!
Lydia: Why would you let the gun get wet?
[the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn." ]
Lydia: [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?
Mr. Harter: Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.
Larry: Oh, we got to break a window.
Teddy: It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.
Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
[Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]
Curly: I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.
Moe: [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?
Curly: I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.
Moe: Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?
Larry: No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.
Moe: Why you...
[Moe bonks Larry on the head]
Larry: Ow!
Moe: Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!
[Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]
Curly: Maybe that's not such a -
[the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]

Teddy: [Teddy walks in with Ling] Hey everybody!
Moe: Oh, hey Teddy!
Larry: Hi, Teddy!
Mother Superior: Gather round, everyone! I have an announcement to make. Teddy and his fianceé, Ling, have just discovered that our Lord and Savior has left her barren, so they have decided to adopt!
Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges tear off their suits, with shorts, white shirts, and bowties underneath; they snap their fingers in rhythm] Hoi! Hoi! Hoi, hoi, hoi, hoi!
Moe: Spread out, pick me! I promise I'll go this time without any fuss!
Mother Superior: Oh, I'm sorry, boys, but they've already decided who they're adopting.
Teddy: [approaches Murph and Peezer] So how about it, Murph? Will you be a part of our family?
Murph: Are you serious, dude? Me? And you're not even getting paid?
[Murph looks over at a sad Peezer]
Murph: Oh... I'm sorry, mister, your offer is very nice and all, but... I think you better pick someone else.
Peezer: It's okay, Murph... you should go. This is your big break.
Murph: [Murph hugs Peezer] Not a chance, kid, not without you.
Teddy: Well, I guess we'll just have to take all three of you.
Murph: What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.
Teddy: Well, yeah, of course, but there's also the kid that we just sprang from the foster home across town.
Weezer: [Sister Rosemary and Weezer appear] Peezer!
Peezer: Weezer!
[the Stooges and orphans laugh joyfully, followed by the orphans screaming "Yay!"]
Mother Superior: Pack your bags, you three, it's time to go home. Three cheers for the boys. Hip-hip, hooray!
[the orphans join in the cheer]
Sister Mary-Mengele: [mutters to herself] Oh, please.
Mother Superior: [with the orphans] Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!
Moe: Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once!
Curly: Oh, you said it, mm-hmm.
[Curly leans on the diving board with Sister Mary-Mengele standing underneath it; it hits her on the head and knocks her into the pool]
Curly: Ooh-hoo, oh, oh, oh!
Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [gasping] I'm going to mash your heads, like potatoes!
Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah, nyah-aah-aah!
[the Stooges run away, jumping on three trampolines near the hedge, each landing on a horse and riding away]
Curly: Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!

Young Moe: Anesthetic!
Young Larry: Anesthetic!
Young Curly: Anesthetic!
Young Moe: 15 milligrams. Give!
Young Curly: Right.
[counts off on a croquet mallet]
Young Curly: Five, ten, fifteen!
[conks Sister Mary Mengele out]

Young Moe: [looking into Mary-Mengele's mouth] Huh, I haven't seen a case like this in years.
Young Curly: And would you look at all that metal in her mouth?
Young Larry: Must be too much iron in the water.
Young Moe: Don't you worry, Sis, you're in good hands. We'll have that bum tooth out in no time.
Sister Mary-Mengele: [moans] No.
Young Moe: Anesthetic.
Young Larry: Anesthetic!
Young Curly: Anesthetic!
Young Moe: [Curly picks up a croquet mallet] 15 millgrams. Give!
Young Curly: Five, ten, fifteen! Nyuk, nyuk.
Mother Superior: [Curly hits Mary-Mengele on the head with the croquet mallet, she goes unconscious; Mother Superior knocks on the door] Boys?
Young Moe, Young Curly, Young Larry: Nyuh-uh-uh!
Mother Superior: Open up, please.
Young Moe: It's the head penguin, boxcar seven on three. Break; one, two, three.
Mother Superior: [the Stooges flip the rotating table, revealing a dinner table underneath] I said, open this door!
Mother Superior: [Mother Superior opens Mary-Mengele's office door; Larry plays the violin off-key, Curlypaints a picture, Moe reads a book] What are you three up to?
Young Larry: Just dabbling in the arts.
Young Curly: Indubitably.
Mother Superior: Oh. Well, lunch is ready.
Young Moe, Young Curly, Young Larry: Oh boy, eats! Woo-woo-woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!
[Moe, Larry and Curly run down to the dining hall]

Young Moe: If you fellas are ever out in horse country, shopping for a polo pony, you'll, uh, look me up, right?
Young Larry: Sure, Moe.
[Curly sniffles]
Young Larry: We'll... you know, keep in touch.
Young Moe: Aw, quit your blubbering! What are you trying to do, rain on my parade?
Young Curly: No Moe, these are tears of joy, honest!
Young Moe: [softly] Sorry.
Young Moe: You fellas mind if I have something to remember you by?
Young Larry: You name it, Moe.
Young Larry: [Moe pulls a tuft of Larry's hair] Oooh!
Young Moe: Come here, ground hog.
[Moe pulls some nasal hairs from Curly's nostrils, since Curly is bald]
Young Curly: Oh!
Young Moe: Thanks, fellas.

Young Moe: [Moe musically chants barbershop-quartet style] Hello,
Young Moe, Young Larry: [Larry joins Moe in chanting] Hello,
Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [Curly joins Larry and Moe as they chant together] Hello.
Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [spoken] Hello!
Mrs. Harter: [Mrs. Harter giggles; the young Stooges accidentally bump their heads together] How precious!
Sister Rosemary: Yes, I certainly don't envy you having to choose between such amazing children.
Young Larry: The choice is easy! I'm your guy!
[Larry starts tap dancing]
Mrs. Harter: That is so cute!
Mr. Harter: Absolutely adorable.
Mr. Harter: [to Mother Superior] How long's he got?
Mother Superior: Hmm?
Mr. Harter: He's taking chemo, right?
Mother Superior: No no no, he's healthy as a mule.
Sister Rosemary: And almost as smart.
Young Moe: Recede, Bojangles.
[Moe pulls Larry back by his hair]
Young Moe: Pick me, I make the best potato peel and eggshell smoothies in town.
[Mr. Harter chuckles nervously]
Young Curly: If you choose me, I'll let you play with my pet rat, Nippy! I even taught him a few tricks!
Mother Superior: Oh, boys and their rodents.
[Mother Superior chuckles]
Young Teddy: [Teddy enters the room] Mother Superior, may I have a glass of milk, please?
Mrs. Harter: Oh, who's this?
Young Teddy: Hi, my name's Teddy, and someday, I'm gonna have a puppy.
Mrs. Harter: Oh my God, he's wonderful.
Mr. Harter: I thought you said there were only the three.
Sister Rosemary: I never said that, I said "about three".

Mrs. Harter: I hope you'll forgive us for coming early; we just couldn't stand to wait another day.
Mother Superior: Oh, we understand, Mrs. Harter. This is a great surprise. We have three delightful youngsters for you to meet.
Mr. Harter: Three? 'Cause we were under the impression there were more than that.
Sister Rosemary: Nope, that's it, just the three. Children, get on in here, Mr. and Mrs. Harter don't have all day.
Young Moe: [Moe musically chants barbershop-quartet style] Hello,
Young Moe, Young Larry: [Larry joins Moe in chanting] Hello,
Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [Curly joins Larry and Moe as they chant together] Hello.
Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [spoken] Hello!

The Three Stooges Go Around the World in a Daze (1963)
[Larry comes in with a waterlogged newspaper and hands it to Moe]
Larry: They left it in the swimming pool today.
Moe: Oh, I see. The tadpole edition.
Larry: Yeah, the tadpole edi...
[Moe whaps Larry with the paper]
Moe: That's for now. Remind me to kill you later.

Larry: I had the brains to steal this from the Duke's palace next door.
[pulls fresh newspaper from coat]
Larry: You thought I was stupid, didn't ya?
Moe: Now I'm sure of it.

Larry: Oh, boy! We're going around the world on our wits!
Moe: With your wits, you won't get past the front door.

[tootling on horn to entice a snake out of its jar]
Larry: [frustrated] He don't like my music.
Moe: He's not supposed to like it. He's gotta hate it. Then he comes out, sees you, goes out of his mind, and while he's out, I clobber him.

Moe: We are official bodyguards. Also double as man Friday.
Larry: And Saturday.

Moe: The rajah says that he will, without the aid of a telescope, shoot a raisin from the top of this gentleman's head.
Larry: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Shoot *what* raisin from *which* gentleman's head?
Moe: Oh, pardon me for calling you a gentleman, sir.

Moe: The rajah says that at this time he will throw the razor-edged daggers at random.
Larry: Random? Get him up here. Hey, Randy, come on.
Moe: [glowering at Larry] Pardon me, Mister Random.

Larry: You don't think I'm going to let that blind bat throw knives at me, do you?
Moe: Blind bat? Why, he can see better than you can and I can prove it.
Larry: Well, you better prove it.
[picks up large round tray and holds it up to Curly-Joe's eyes]
Moe: Maha.
Curly-Joe: [peers in opposite direction] Aha?
Moe: Rajah!
[Curly-Joe turns around and stares closely at tray]
Moe: What is this?
Curly-Joe: Half a dollar.
Larry: You're right. I thought it was a dime.

[Curly-Joe's thrown knife grazes Larry's fake mustache]
Moe: Missed that.
Curly-Joe: Missed that? Impossible!
Larry: Missed that? What is he aiming at?
Moe: You'll find out.

Moe: If you keep on trying, you'll always have a chance.
Larry: Yeah, and we'll starve to death in the meantime.

[Everyone is under arrest for stowing away in the back of a truck]
Moe: Four days directly to New York. And here we are, thanks to you.
Larry: You don't have to thank me.

We Want Our Mummy (1939)
Larry: [to Curly] When they find out you killed the mummy, they'll kill us!

Moe: I got an idea, we'll make a mummy out of you.
Curly: I can't be a mummy, I'm a daddy!
Larry: All right so you'll be a daddy-mummy.
Curly: Oh! That's different.

Moe: [looking through telescope toward Egyptian desert, but with Larry's head in the way] We're coming to a jungle. I can see the underbrush! And camels walkin' through it! No no, they're octopus!
Larry: I don't see anything!
Moe: [notices that he was looking at Larry's hair] You will!
[hits Larry with the telescope]

Dr. Crowell: Gentlemen, you're hired. We're sending you to bring back the mummy of King Rutin-Tutin, you leave immediately for Cairo.
Curly: Say I got an uncle in Cairo, he's a chiropractor. NYUK NYUK NYUK!
[Moe punches him in the nose]
Museum Curator: And if you are successful, we will pay you 5000 dollars.
Dr. Crowell: The recovery of the mummy will prove of untold value to science.
Moe: For science!
Larry: For science!
Curly: For 5000 bucks!

Moe: [what looks like the tomb of Rootin Tootin] Hey, he's the real McCoy!
Larry: McCoy, I thought his name was Rootin Tootin.
[Moe raises his fist at Larry]
Curly: Hey fellas, I found it.
Larry: Found what?
Curly: A tisket a tasket,
[holds up a basket]
Curly: that green and yellow basket. NYUK NYUK NYUK NYUK!
[Moe gives him an open hand shove in the face]
Curly: Oh!
[Staggers back into a well]
[Hits the bottom with a splash and gets Moe and Larry wet]

Larry, Curly, Moe: We're at your service night and day; if we don't catch them, you don't pay. Excelsior!

Larry: [they see an ocean in the desert] Must be a mirrage.
Moe: Mirrage is something you see yourself in, that's a mirage.
Curly: Mirage? But that's where you keep your automobile.
Moe: I said a mirage!
Curly: Mirage, mirrage, whatever it is, I'm going swimming!

Moe: [helping carry a crate] I'll take this end.
Larry: I'll take this end!
Curly: I'll take the end in the middle!

If a Body Meets a Body (1945)
Curly Q. Link: [reading his uncle's will] "To my niece, Elisa Link, I leave one million, two hundred fifty thousand dollars. To my nephew, Curly Q. Link..." That's me! That's me!
Larry Mink: Yes! Yes!
Moe Pink: How much. How much?
Curly Q. Link: "To my nephew, Curly Q. Link, I leave a sum total of sixty seven cents, net."
Moe Pink: [in despair] Sixty seven cents!
Curly Q. Link: Sixty seven cents!
Larry Mink: Sixty seven cents!
[they hit each other, pull out their own hair and say it over and over again until fade out]

Larry Mink: Here's one. "Wanted: Gravediggers."
Moe Pink: No, no, too morbid.
Curly Q. Link: Da morbid, da merrier! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Curly Q. Link: You know my name is Curly Q. Link!
Larry Mink: What's the "Q" stand for? Quincy?
Curly Q. Link: No.
Moe Pink: Quillip?
Curly Q. Link: No.
Moe Pink: What does the "Q" stand for?
Curly Q. Link: Cuff.
Larry Mink: Oh, Cuff Link!

Larry Mink: [about Curly's soup] Smells like a dead horse!

Moe Pink: [finds a horseshoe in his soup] Why you numbskull, we sent you to the butcher shop for meat, not the glue factory.
[hits Curly with the horseshoe]
Larry Mink: He's trying to poison us, that's what.
Moe Pink: You get out of this house before I split your throat from ear to ear you Lucrezia Borgia.
Curly Q. Link: If that means what I think it does...
Moe Pink: So what?
Curly Q. Link: So I'll go.

Moe Pink: Hark, who goes there?
Curly Q. Link: Friend or enemy?
Larry Mink: Give us the countersign.
Moe Pink, Curly Q. Link, Larry Mink: [Detective slaps all three of them] Pass, friend.

Moe Pink: Didn't you say you had an uncle?
Curly Q. Link: Yeah, uncle Bob O. Link, but the family didn't speak to him. He had millions.
Moe Pink: That's it! We're rich.
Larry Mink: We're filthy with dough!
Moe Pink: You're filthy without it.

Larry Mink: [trying to fall asleep, a skeleton skull bonks him on the head] Ooh!
[nudges Moe]
Larry Mink: Hey, what's the idea of hittin' me in the head?
Moe Pink: I didn't hit you on the head. Yet.
[Moe bonks Larry on the head]

Healthy, Wealthy and Dumb (1938)
Curly Howard: [a bathtub is behind a door that they open] Ohhhh, a rowboat.
Larry: A rowboat, you're crazy. That's a horse troph.
Moe: Rowboat, horse troph. In a hotel? That's a bathtub, you imbeciles. Go take a bath.
Larry: But we can't. It ain't spring yet.
Moe: Oh yes it is. See the pretty grass?
Larry: [looks toward the bathtub] Where?
Moe: [Moe shoves him in and closes the door. Curly giggles] You're next.
Curly Howard: But I had a bath.
Moe: When?
Curly Howard: July 14, 1910. I was too young to fight about it then.
Moe: What are you gonna do now?
Curly Howard: Take a bath.

Curly Howard: [Curly reads a telegram of their prize money and sees that taxes reduced their prise money into $4.95] Nyaaaaa...
[faints, Larry grabs it. Reads it]
Larry: They'll put us in jail!
[faints, Moe grabs it]
Hotel Costa Plente room service: Did he say jail?
Moe: No, Yale. He's got a brother in college with two heads. They got him in a bottle.
[Looks at the telegram for a second and flinches]
Hotel Costa Plente room service: Is something wrong?
Moe: Nothing. The figures stagger me.
Hotel Costa Plente room service: And so will your bill.

Moe: [picks up a glass] A toast.
Larry: [picks up a glass] A toast.
Curly Howard: [picks up air] A toast.
[Sees that there is no glass]
Curly Howard: Roses are red, violets are blue, there's no glass for me, so hot cakes to you. Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.
[Moe and Larry throw pancakes onto his face]

Curly Howard: Roses are red, and violets are blue, try Stick-Fast glue, and you'll be stuck to, oh boy I got it, if I make the best slogan I'll win a lot of money!
Moe: Oh your crazy, you've been sending those in for weeks, nobody ever wins those.
Larry: Yeah, why don't you play cards and prove your mind? What there is of it.
Curly Howard: See the money I get!

Moe: [putting a pancake on the center plate] There's that chip, I call. What do ya got?
Larry: [laying down his hand] Just four aces.
Moe: [slams his hand on the table] And me with four kings again.
Larry: [taking the pancakes] Well it must be beginner's luck.
Moe: I can't understand it, everyday you have beginner's luck.
Larry: [getting up to reach for the syrup] Well its just one of those things you know...
Moe: [grabs Larry by the hair and looks on his chair and sees a lot of aces] You want to cheat, cheat fair, anything I hate is a crookin' crook.
[Moe shakes Larry and more aces fall out of his coat]
Moe: [slaps Larry in the head and then sits down to eat the pancakes] My beginner's luck, huh, huh, huh.

Larry: [carrying a boiling kettle] I got it! Hot water always melts glue.
[Moe begins thrashing as Larry holds him and pours the water onto his mouth]
Moe: [angry] What do you think I am, a lobster? Tryin' to boil me alive?
Larry: [while being slapped in the head by Moe] Well, hot water always melts glue!

[first lines]
Larry: How many?
Moe: I'll take three.
Larry: I'll take the same.
Moe: I bet two.
[Moe puts two pancakes on the center plate]
Larry: I'll see those two, and I'll raise you five!
[Larry puts his entire stack on the center plate]
Moe: I'd better win today I haven't had breakfast in a week!
Larry: Well the best man always wins.
Moe: Well there's four... Hey I need some more chips!
[the camera moves over to Curly flipping a pancake in a frying pan]
Moe: Hurry it up with those chips!
[Curly comes over to the table]
Curly Howard: I'm getting sick and tired of making chips for you guys, I gotta get busy for my radio contest!

The Three Stooges (2000) (TV)
[from Ants in the Pantry]
Larry Fine: Oooh, I can't see, I can't see!
Moe Howard: What's the matter?
Larry Fine: I've got my eyes closed.
[Moe eye pokes Larry again]

Larry Fine: [to Moe, about Shemp] Ted Healy scared the piss out of your brother and it landed on me.

Moe Howard: Is there anything you won't bet on?
Larry Fine: Yeah, a winner.

Jack L. Warner: Good evening boys, allow me to introduce myself, Jack Warner.
Moe Howard: One of the Warner Brothers?
Jack L. Warner: *The* Warner Brothers. Enjoyed your act.
Moe Howard: Enchanted!
Larry Fine: Enraptured!
Jerome 'Curly' Howard: Embalmed!

Jules White: My name's Jules White, Tek-no-crap.
Larry Fine: Tek-no-crap?
Jules White: That's right, I take no crap from anybody.

Guard: Haven't you heard?
Larry Fine: Heard what?
Guard: Mr. Cohen, he's dead. Had a heart attack last night in Phoenix.
Larry Fine: Guess he was human after all.

[last lines]
Moe Howard: What are we waiting for?
Larry Fine: What the hell...
Moe Howard: [lining up on stage] Spread out!

Hoi Polloi (1935)
Larry: Oh, see the cat. Does the mouse see that cat? Yeah, the dirty rat!

Moe: Now then gentlemen. Remember your etiquette.
[Slaps Larry and Curly]
Larry: What's that for?
Curly: We didn't do nothin'!
Moe: That's in case you do when I'm not around.

Moe: [the Stooges reluctantly agree to be gentlemen] You know it'll break the old man's heart but you gotta drop on us.
Larry: It'll disgrace us for life.
Curly: I won't be able to look at my children in the face.

Nichols' daughter: Oh, your dancing is atrocious!
Larry: Oh, thank you. I couldn't dance a step last year.

Prof. Richmond: Do you realize you men have assaulted us?
Prof. Nichols: I'll call the police!
Moe: Now, listen, mister. Listen, I can explain the whole thing.
Curly: Soitenly!
Moe: You stay out of this!
[Moe slaps Curly]
Moe: And you too.
[Moe slaps Larry]
Larry: I didn't say nothing!
Moe: Well, that was in case you do.

Larry: Hey, where's your dignity?
Moe: Spread out.
Larry: Where's your dignity?
Moe: [Slaps Larry] There it is.

Prof. Richmond: Allow me to introduce Professor Nichols' two daughters.
Larry: Brother, can you spare a Nichol?

Men in Black (1934)
Hiccupping Nurse: Oh, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard! Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Dr. Moe Howard: Yes, that's true.
Hiccupping Nurse: Well, then, why don't the patients eat an apple a day and save hospital expenses?
Dr. Curly Howard: Pardon me if I laugh. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! That's a pippin!
Hiccupping Nurse: Oh, I know what a pippin is.
Dr. Larry Fine: You do, eh? What's a pippin?
Hiccupping Nurse: Uh, a pippin is an apple with a skin on the outside.
Dr. Moe Howard: Did you ever see an apple with a skin on the inside?
Hiccupping Nurse: Oh, sure I did.
Dr. Larry Fine: You did?
Hiccupping Nurse: Uh-huh.
Dr. Larry Fine: Where?
Hiccupping Nurse: In homemade apple pie.

Dr. Graves: How did you find that patient in room 67?
Dr. Moe Howard: Under the bed!
Dr. Graves: How did you find that patient in room 73?
Dr. Larry Fine: Up on the chandelier.
Dr. Graves: What did you do for him?
Dr. Curly Howard: Nothing! What'd he ever do for us?

[repeated line]
Dr. Moe Howard, Dr. Curly Howard, Dr. Larry Fine: For duty and humanity!

Dr. Larry Fine: [Holding a knife in the operating room] Wait a minute. Let's plug him, and see if he's ripe.

Dr. Larry Fine: Doctor! We're mighty proud of you. You've done a wonderful thing for humanity. And when we leave here, we're going right down to the president's office and...
Dr. Curly Howard: We won't say a word about it.

PA announcer: [Closing lines: After the Stooges tear the loudspeaker apart and shoot the still-working part] Oy, you got me!
Dr. Moe Howard, Dr. Curly Howard, Dr. Larry Fine: For duty and humanity!

No Census, No Feeling (1940)
Moe: Now, calm yourself. We're census takers, madam. How old are you?
Larry: What address is this?
Lady having bridge party: One hundred and two.
Moe: You don't look a day over eighty.
Lady having bridge party: Young man, I'm twenty-nine.
Moe: Oh, yeah?
Lady having bridge party: Well, how do I look?
Moe: Oh, you look like a million.
Larry: Ah, she can't be that old. (Larry and Moe open her mouth and check her teeth.) Forty-three.
Moe: Fifty.
Larry: Forty-three!
Moe: Fifty!
Larry: Forty-three!
Moe: Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, (mouth begins to move much faster) fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty...
Curly: Sooold American!

Larry: [after all three are unable to find anyone else to interview] Where is everybody?
Curly: Maybe it's The Fourth of July.
Moe: The Fourth of July in October?
Curly: You never can tell... look what they did to Thanksgiving!

Moe: Boy, you got brains like Napoleon.
Larry: Napoleon's dead.
Moe: I know it.

Moe: Pardon us, madame, we're census takers. What's your name?
Larry: And your address?
Curly: What's more important, what's your phone number? Nyuk, nyuk...
[Woman hits them with her purse]

Moe: [not realizing he is getting replies from Larry] Pardon me sir, but I'm taking census, where were you born?
Larry: Lake Winnipesaukee.
Moe: Lake Winnip-how many in the family?
Larry: I was one of a litter of three.
Moe: Now don't tell me you're the one they kept!
Larry: Nah, I was the one they threw away!

Moe: [Not realizing he is getting replies from Larry] Pardon me sir, but I'm taking census, where were you born?
Larry: Lake Winnipesaukee.
Moe: Lake Winnip-how many in the family?
Larry: I was one of a litter of three.
Moe: Now don't tell me you're the one they kept!
Larry: Nah, I was the one they threw away!

Half Shot Shooters (1936)
Capt. Burke: ...wouldn't know a shell from a boat.
Larry: What'd he say?
Moe: He says you smell like a goat.
Larry: Oh, yeah? Same to you!

Capt. Burke: Where were you born?
Curly: He says your pants are torn.
Moe: I ain't got any on.
Larry: Not worn, corn! Corn!
Curly: Oh, I got two on both dogs!

Larry: Pipe down! You're spoiling the whole war for me!
Moe: What of it?
Larry: Nothing. I was just saying.

Sgt. MacGillicuddy: Now when I say go, duck your heads under that water and hold it.
Larry: For how long?
Sgt. MacGillicuddy: I'll tell you when to come up.

Moe: [Finding the cannon site abandoned] Where's the sergeant and the gun crew?
Larry: Maybe it's between halves.

Dizzy Doctors (1937)
Moe: [In a hospital, in a room with a microphone connected to the loudspeaker, hits the three skulls to make a musical jingle then hits Curly on the head] Hello, everybody, we just brought the moon over the mountain.
Curly: Hello, Ma. Hello, Pa. It wasn't much of a fight. I stood like that. But not for long.
[Moe hits him on the head]
Moe: Quiet. This broadcast comes to you through the courtesy of Brighto. And it's six delicious flavors. Chocolate, Vanilla, Cranberry, Strawberry.
Curly: And raspberry.
[Moe slaps him]
Curly: Ow. It's still raspberry.
[Sticks his tongue out, Moe hits him on the head]
Curly: Ow!
Moe: Now keep quiet or I'll sock you again.
Larry: Are you listening. V-v-v-voo. V-v-v-voo. V-v-v...
[Moe hits him with a backhand punch in the face]
Moe: Now, don't go away, gentlemen. We'll soon be with you.
Moe, Larry, Curly: Zheee. Boom! Cuckoo!

Moe: Brighto, Brighto, makes old bodies new!
Larry: We'll sell a million bottles!
Curly: Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo!

Dr. Bright: Have you ever sold anything?
Larry: Have we ever SOLD anything!
Moe: Have we ever SOLD anything!
Curly: Have we?

Curly: Hey, what's this stuff for anyway?
Larry: Why it's a cleaner, you chump.
Curly: I know. It's auto polish.
Moe: You boys really want to know what it's for?
Curly, Larry: Yeah!
Moe: It's for sale. Now get busy selling it.

Policeman: [Larry is standing next to a fence with one leg hidden to look crippled] Oh I'm sorry buddy. I didn't notice the leg was gone.
Larry: Huh? Oh yeah, gone but not forgotten.
Policeman: War, eh?
Larry: No, banana peel.

A Plumbing We Will Go (1940)
Curly: Say why don't you call your stops?
Moe: This is far enough I guess.
Larry: Where are we?
Curly: What do you care as long as we're not in jail.

Moe: [Larry has accidentally poked a hole in the furnace vent] Hey, are you smokin'?
Larry: No, but the pipe is.
Moe: The pi - uh... why, you lamebrain! Ya wanna get us suffocated? Put some tape on it!
Larry: [checks his pockets] We forgot the tape!
Moe: Well, we had to forget somethin' or we wouldn't be plumbers.

Butler: [When he sees Larry digging a hole] Stop it, Stop it! You are ruining the lawn!
Larry: [annoyed] Don't tell me how to run my business, beat it!
Butler: Put that soil back where it belongs!
[Larry then swings the shovel back and a block hits him in the face]

Prosecuting Attorney: Remember, You have sworn to tell the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth, now were You, or were You not on the night of June the 13th in Mrs. Traunabottoms Chicken Coop?
Curly: Why Soitenly not, we was in the House!
Prosecuting Attorney: What House?
Larry: The Dog House!
Curly: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk
[Moe Bonks both Larry, and Curly's heads together]

Cash and Carry (1937)
Moe: The treasure, we found it!
Larry: Now Jimmy can get his operation!
Curly: There's enough here for all of us to have an operation!

[the Stooges all look at a map marked "Walla Walla"]
Moe: Walla Walla with an "X."
Curly: I know! "X" marks the spot where the treasure is buried! It's in the Walla.
Moe: But there's two Wallas.
Curly: Certainly! There's a Walla, and there's a Walla over there.
Larry: Which one's it buried in?
Moe: It makes no difference, we'll each take a Walla.

Moe: Why are you keeping your money layin' around in cans for? Why don't you put it in a bank?
Jimmie: Will a bank give it back to us?
Curly: Oh, sure! They didn't use to, but now they do!
Larry: And when you take it out they give you some more! I had a dollar once...
Moe: That's enough.

Moe: What's the idea of movin' into our apartment?
Larry: Come on beat it.
Jimmie: I'm sorry, Mister. Sis and I didn't know anyone lived here so we just moved in but we'll get out by the way.
Curly: Hey, where's your father?
Jimmie: We ain't got no father. Just Sis and I.
Moe: Wait a minute, son. We made a mistake, this ain't our house, we didn't have any curtains. Go on sit down and do your homework.
Jimmie: Oh, thank you.

Spook Louder (1943)
Larry: [having just hit Curly] Hey! I just saw a ghost!
Curly: Was he a fat one?
Larry: Yeah!

Larry: How d'ya spell "fifty"?
Moe: Put 'er down for seventy-five.
Well-dressed woman: What did you say?
Moe: I said it's good to be alive!

Larry: WAIT A MINUTE! If we're the only ones here, then who's playin' the piano?
Moe: What difference does that...?
[pauses, realizing the situation]

Larry: Did he say blood?
Curly: I'm anemic!

Disorder in the Court (1936)
Moe: I say, Jasper, what comes after seventy-five?
Larry: Seventy-six!
Moe: That's the Spirit!

[Larry shatters his violin]
Larry: Oh, my Stradavarius. Oh, my beautiful Stradavarius.

Moe: [after Curly picks up all the jacks on one bounce of the ball] Hey! What's the idea of spoiling the game?
Curly: I was for onesies.
Moe: Well here's twosies.
[eye pokes Curly on "twosies", and Curly responds in pain]
Larry: [sounding cute] He did a onesie, you give 'em to...
[stops when he sees Moe looking at him angrily]
Moe: [to Larry] Here's fivesies.
[smacks him]

Larry: [while playing violin, he picks up the defense's black hairpiece on the end of his bow and sees it] A taran-tela!
[Moe screams, Curly tries hitting it with a hammer, and Moe steals the bailiff's gun and shoots]
Curly: Oh! A field mouse!
Larry: [with it attached to his bow] Watch out, it'll bite ya!
Moe: [sees it] Taran-tella? Shot five holes in a dibbit!

Pop Goes the Easel (1935)
Larry: [after Moe has whistled for he and Curley to come to his side] What's the matter?
Moe: How do you spell "chrysanthemum"?
Larry: [thinks for a moment, looking confused]
Moe: Oh, ignorant, eh?
[slaps Larry, turns to Curley]
Moe: How do you spell it?
Curley: [very quickly] C-h-r-y-s-a-n-t-h-e-m-u-m.
Moe: [pause] Why weren't you here a minute ago?
[slaps Curley]

Professor Fuller: Boys, to become great artists, you must start from the bottom up.
Larry: Yes?
Curley: Yes?
Moe: Yes?
Professor Fuller: So you may begin by painting this floor.
Larry: [pointing at Curly] Say, if he thinks I'm gonna paint this floor, I hope you drop dead.

French Art Student: Gentlemen
[Moe, Larry, and Curly turn around to look for the gentlemen]
French Art Student: I am an artiste!
Larry: I am an artiste too!
Curley: Oh, a pair of drawers, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Man in Car: What would you do if you held the Queen alone?
Larry: It all depends.
Man in Car: Depends on what?
Larry: When the King is expected home.

Snow White and the Three Stooges (1961)
Moe: You can count on us.
Larry: Come what may.
Curly-Joe: Ad infinitum.

Moe: At ease, young man.
Larry: Salutations.
Curly-Joe: Ad infinitum.

Snow White: [to the Stooges] I love you just as you are, all three of you.
Larry: Gee. Only our mother ever said that without laughing in our faces.

Moe: Can we help you, sir?
Prince Charming: Don't you recognize me?
Moe: It can't be... It is, it's Quatro!
Moe, Larry, Curly-Joe: Quatro!
[they hug him]
Moe: But, we heard him say they killed you. You're not a ghost.
Prince Charming: Well, I'm alive. A full of brought back my memory. I'm a king now.

Half-Wits Holiday (1947)
Moe: But we're organized.
[holds up a card with the letters AAM on it]
Moe: The Amalgamated Association of Morons. Local six and seven eighths.
Moe, Curly, Larry: We are morons! Tried and true! We will do our yell for you!

Prof. Quackenbush: How would you boys like to make $1,000?
Moe: Who do you have to murder?
Prof. Quackenbush: Oh, nothing like that. All you have to do is let me make gentlemen of you.
[the Stooges all flinch in horror]
Larry: No, no! Not that!
Curly: Our father would never forgive us.
Larry: There ain't been a gentleman in our family for fifty generations.
Moe: Quit bragging.

Prof. Sedletz: You with the mattress head, now, if I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar, how many dollars would you have?
Larry: One dollar.
Prof. Sedletz: You don't know your arithmetic.
Larry: You don't know my father!

Three Pests in a Mess (1945)
Larry: You gonna hit him with the water?
Moe: No, I'm gonna throw the water away and hit him with the bucket.
Larry: Oh.
[Moe stomps on his foot]
Larry: Ow!

Curly: Hey Moe, you know that dead guy? He just slapped me.
Moe: Like this?
[slaps Curly]
Curly: Yeah, just like that only it was on the other side.
Larry: Where's the body?
Curly: I ain't got any body, I lost it.
Moe: Well you're gonna go find it!

Curly: [tumble weed rolls past him] Somebody just ran by me.
Moe: What'd he look like?
Curly: I couldn't tell, he was on his hands and knees and had a big head full of curls...
Larry: Say, why don't we put him
[the corpse]
Larry: out in the street?
Curly: What? And have somebody run over him and kill him again?
[shakes his head]
Moe: We're gonna bury him right here!

Malice in the Palace (1949)
Moe: [to Hassen Ben Soba and Ginna Rumma] What'll you have?
Hassan Ben Soba: We want...
Moe: [cutting him off] We don't have any more.
Larry: All we got left are rabbit and hot dogs.
Hassan Ben Soba: Rabbit.
Ginna Rumma: Hot dogs.
Larry: Hot dog, they'll take rabbit.

Larry: [after Hassan, Ginna, Moe, and Shemp think he's killed a dog and a cat, he comes out to serve the food] Here you are, gentlemen. Hot dogs, when it comes to cookin' are the cat's meow.

Moe: There's only one 100-carat diamond, and it comes from Rootin Tootin's Tomb.
Shemp: That's government property.
Moe: Right, and if we return it, we'll get a big reward.
Larry: Yeah! Maybe fifty-thousand bucks. Boy, with that kind of money, we could rent a one-room apartment in Hollywood... maybe.

Dizzy Detectives (1943)
Larry: What happened? What's wrong?
Curly: I'm dyin' and you start a quiz program!

Moe: [whispering] It's that crook and he's wearin' a fur coat! Come on!
[the Stooges come up and Moe gets the gorilla's attention by kicking him in the butt. The Stooges all point their guns at the gorilla]
Moe: Stick 'em up, Ape Man! We gotcha covered!
[the gorilla destroys the Stooges' guns]
Moe: Hey, fellas! Look! No human is strong enough to bend a gun barrel like that!
Curly: It's real! A real chimmanypanzee!
Larry: That's no chimp, ya chump! That's a gorilla!

Larry: Hey, you only fell 14 feet! Why are ya getting sore?
Moe: [Pretending to be surprised] Is that all it was?
Larry: Yeah!

Idiots Deluxe (1945)
Judge: Mr. Moe, you're accused of assaulting your two roommates with intent to commit mayhem.
Curly: You mean murder!
Larry: Yeah, and he tried to kill us, too!

[Curly is caught in bear trap, and Moe and Larry think the bear has got him]
Larry: Did you hear that? He's got him. He's got him.
Moe: You want the bear to eat him alive? Go out there and help him.
Larry: That bear don't need no help.
Moe: What are you, a coward?
Larry: Yes.
Moe: Go on out and save him.
Larry: I'll go, but my heart ain't in it.

Curly: [Thinking Moe is dead] Poor Moe.
Larry: Oh woe is Moe.
Moe: [Comes up with an ax] Oh WOE is you!
Larry: Woe Moe!

Rhythm and Weep (1946)
Moe: Well this is the 26th theatre we have been thrown out of this month. What does that leave us?
Larry: Four more theatres...
Curly: Except February which has 28.
Moe: Quiet!

Larry: This I like, and I get paid for it too

Moe, Curly, Larry: [dressed up like ballerinas, sing-song] We're dressed like ballerinas, of course you know we're not, and what you're about to see now folks, is something we ain't got.

Don't Throw That Knife (1951)
Moe: Larry you play part of the husband of the house, you play his wife.
Shemp: Oh, no I wouldn't be his wife.
Larry: Why not?
Shemp: You're not my type.

Moe: [Shemp and Larry are pretending to be a couple] Good morning what is your name please?
Shemp: Shempena Howard.
Moe: Well married or single?
Shemp: Married and this is my husband, the rat.
Larry: Cut it out.
Moe: Tell me Sir, have you any children?
Larry: [Larry counts his fingers] No children.
Moe: Where were you born, madam?
Shemp: In the hospital.
Moe: Hospital?
Shemp: Yes, I want to be near my mother.

Larry: What does your husband do?
Lucy Wyckoff: He's an expert in legerdemain.
Larry: Legerdemain. Oh, a bookkeeper.
Lucy Wyckoff: No, he's a prestidigitator.
Shemp: Oh, a pants presser?
Moe: Are you guys ignorant? Didn't you hear the lady say? He presses refrigerators.
Shemp, Larry: Oh!
Lucy Wyckoff: No, no, no. We do an illusion act in vaudeville. He's a magician. He makes things disappear.
Shemp: I got an uncle who can make things disappear.
Moe: Is he a magician?
Shemp: No, he's a kleptomaniac.

Hold That Lion! (1947)
Larry: I smell somethin' awful.
Moe: You telling me? Why don'tcha use cologne?

Shemp, Larry, Moe: We'll get the filthy moocher, The Moola, the Geidas, No Slippery guy named Slipp, Is ever gonna' cheat-us, A-zee, a-zie, a-zoh!

Shemp: [with a fish bowl on his head, he mumbles inaudibly]
Moe: What did he say?
Larry: [mimics inaudible mumbling]
Moe: [smacks Larry] Get out of here!

Three Missing Links (1938)
[Larry thinks that a real gorilla behind him is Curly in a costume]
Larry: Cut it out, ya puddinhead!
Curly: I'm not me!

Curly: You snore like a roarin' lion.
Larry: I do not! I stayed awake all last night to see if I snored, and I didn't!

Moe: We're terrific!
Larry: We're colossal!
Curly: We're even mediocre!

Bubble Trouble (1953)
Larry: [at the table eating marshmallow cake, which was inadvertently made with bubble gum, instead] What do you call this cake?
Serena Flint: Marshmallow Jumbo.
Larry: [whispering to Moe] Tastes more like Marshmallow Gumbo.

Shemp: Why'd ya hit me with the pestle?
Moe: You're lucky I didn't hit you with the mortar.
Larry: [laughs jokingly] The mortar the merrier!

Moe: It's tremendous!
Larry: It's colossal!
Shemp: It's putrid!

An Ache in Every Stake (1941)
Moe: [singing] We baked you a birthday cake...
Larry: If you get a tummy ache...
Curly: And you moan and groan and woe...
Moe, Larry, Curly: Don't forget we told you so! Happy birthday!

Larry: [hands Curly a block of ice] Here.
Moe: [hands Curly another block of ice] Here!
Curly: Here?
Moe: No, up there!
Curly: Nyaaaah!

Larry: [Accidentally hits Moe with an ax] I'm sorry Moe I didn't know you were standing there.
Moe: Oh that's alright kid accidents can happen to the best of families.
Larry: [Moe grabs Larry's head with ice tongs] Oh Moe ow ow!

Back to the Woods (1937)
Larry: [an imaginary horse race] They're off! Who's in the quarter?
Curly: Whopper!
Larry: Who's in the half?
Curly: Whopper!
Larry: Who's in the stretch?
Curly: Whopper!
Larry: Who's the winner?
Curly: Rosemont!
Moe: Who's the winner?
Curly: Rosemont.
[Moe slaps him]

Larry: [as Curly heads for Faith, who is more attractive than her sister Charity] What doest thou? I saw her first!
Curly: Pish-posh and tish-tosh! I'll never give her up. Why does not thou take Charity?
Larry: I need not charity. I'm on the WPA.
Curly: WPA?
Larry: Aye! Willing Pilgrims Association.

Judge: Ye are accused of doing battle with his Majesty's guards. What say ye to the charge?
Larry: I can explain, judge. you see-eth, it was like this-eth. I...
Judge: Guilty! I sentence ye to Newcape prison for forty years! ye to forty-five! Ye to fifty!
Moe: Forty?
Larry: Forty-five?
Curly: Fifty? I got fifty. Fifty. Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, do I hear fifty-five, do I hear fifty five? Going once, twice, do I hear fifty-five? Who'll make it fifty-five?
Judge: [breaks gavel] I shall!
Curly: Thank you. I... Woo!
Judge: Fifty-five years for the lot of ye at hard labor!
Prosecutor: But your lordship, t'would cost the crown a pretty penny to feed yon wastrels for fifty-five years! Why not send him to our colonies in America to fight the redskin savage?
Curly: Oh, I just love corned beef and savage!
Judge: Silence! I now sentence ye knaves to defend our colonists from the savages!
Moe: Gadzooks! They'll scalp us alive!
Curly: Not me! Nyuk nyuk!

All Gummed Up (1947)
Larry: [at the table eating marshmallow cake, which was inadvertently made with bubble gum, instead] What do you call this cake?
Mrs. Cerina Flint: Marshmallow Jumbo.
Larry: [whispering to Moe] Tastes more like Marshmallow Gumbo.

Shemp: Why'd ya hit me with the pestle?
Moe: You're lucky I didn't hit you with the mortar.
Larry: [laughs jokingly] The mortar the merrier!

Moe: It's tremendous!
Larry: It's colossal!
Shemp: It's putrid!

Studio Stoops (1950)
Larry: Gee, that Shemp was a swell guy.
Moe: I'll never forgive myself for pushing him around.

Moe: You get a rope that'll reach to the 10th floor and step on it.
Larry: Hey, you better bolt that door in case our adversaries come back.
Moe: Good idea. "Adversaries?"
Larry: Yeah!
Moe: Since when did you get so smart?
Larry: Oh, I've been smart all the time, only you didn't know it. Say, when I come back, I'll give you the password.
Moe: Brilliant! What'll it be?
Larry: [Whispering] Open the door.
Moe: [Slaps Larry]

Moe: You wait out here. If we're not out in five minutes, come and get us.
Larry: Yeah! You better make it thirty seconds.

Sing a Song of Six Pants (1947)
Moe: [Larry accidentally takes a swig of the cleaning fluid he was using, and inadvertently spits it out on the back of Moe's head. Moe walks over and put his left hand on the side of Larry's head] Oh, a funny man.
[slaps him with the right hand]
Moe: What the matter with you?
Larry: [as Moe walks away] What did I do?

Moe: T.H. I wonder what that means.
Shemp: Teddy Hoosevelt?
Moe: You're wrong, quiz kid.
Larry: T.H. T.H. I got it! I got it!
Moe: What?
Larry: Thomas Hedison!
Moe: Why don't you dumbells stop?

[first lines]
Larry: That is the toughest spot I ever tackled!
[Larry tries getting the spot out, to no avail]
Larry: Shemp, give me a hand here!
Shemp: I can't now. I gotta finish my pants!

In the Sweet Pie and Pie (1941)
Larry: Say, what do we know about society?
Moe: Well startin' tomorrow we're gonna learn. We gotta act like gentlemen so these dames we married won't have any excuse for throwing us out.
Curly: You mean to say I can't go to sleep with my shoes on?
Moe: That's exactly what I mean now get to bed, like a gentleman.

Moe: Hey, hey, hey you'd better watch that cough first you know you'll wind up with pneumonia.
Larry: They say strawberries are good for a cold.
The Warden: Strawberries won't be in season for six months.
Moe: We'll wait.
Curly: We'll wait.
Larry: We'll wait.
The Warden: Just a minute!

Three Loan Wolves (1946)
Larry: [Larry's holding a guitar. He bows to an imaginary audience and Moe walks up behind him and kicks him] Hey, what's the big idea? I was about to play Comin' Through the Corn.
Curly: You mean Rye.
Larry: The way I play it, it's Corn.
Moe: Where'd you get that?
Larry: This cost 50 bucks. A genuine stratosphere.
Moe: Stratosphere? Go play some air.

Moe: Hey Larry, come here.
Larry: I can't, I'm busy.
Moe: Well drop what you're doing and come here.
[Larry, holding a stack of dishes, shrugs]
Larry: Okay, if you say so.
[Larry drops the dishes and they smash on the floor]
Larry: [approaching Moe] Yeah?
Moe: What's the big idea?
Larry: You told me to drop what I was doing, so I did.

A Bird in the Head (1946)
Moe: Say, are you scared?
Curly: No. Its silly to be scared.
Larry: It sure is!
Curly: Boy, am I silly...

Moe: [a mad scientist is after Curly] Hey, he's gonna grab Curly.
Larry: Yeah, we'd better do something.
Moe: He'll take him to the lab, won't he?
Larry: Yes.
Moe: Well, we'll ambush him.
[Moe grabs Larry's ears and wrings them]
Moe: Then we'll "infilterate" him.
[Moe runs his fingers up Larry's face]
Moe: Then we'll give him the old pincers movement.
[Moe smacks Larry's cheeks and forehead in rapid succession]
Larry: [stopping Moe] Wait a minute! Save that for him!

Dunked in the Deep (1949)
Larry: Pre-war?
Moe: Next war!

Larry: We're known as the fish market duet.
Moe: The fish market duet?
Shemp: Yeah, we sing for the halibut.

A Missed Fortune (1952)
[Larry uses boiling water to unglue Moe's mouth]
Moe: What are you trying to do, boil me? You think I'm a lobster?
[eye-pokes Larry]
Larry: Oh, wait a minute.
Moe: Unguard your eyes!
[Larry blocks a second eye poke, then laughs]
Larry: I fooled him.
Moe: Well, you certainly did. Pardon me.
Larry: Yes?
[Moe eye pokes Larry again]
Moe: Get away from here!

Larry: [ordering room service] Send up a dozen bottles of champagne. A dozen. Dozen! Spell it? Make it twelve instead.

Shivering Sherlocks (1948)
Larry Fine: What will it be, sir?
Customer: I'll take the short ribs.
Larry Fine: I think we got some delicious chicken soup.
Customer: Just short ribs.
Larry Fine: I know but you haven't tried our chicken soup I know because I...
Customer: [Grabs Larry by the collar] Short ribs!
Customer: Short ribs. Chicken soup comin' up!

[the Stooges are looking for something to pry open a locked door]
Larry Fine: [holding a crowbar] You think this'll open it?
Moe Howard: [taking crowbar] Swell. Where'd you get it?
Larry Fine: In the house.
Moe Howard: Oh...
[Moe turns around and realizes the door is open]
Moe Howard: In the house?
Larry Fine: Yeah. Can you use it?
Moe Howard: And how.
[Moe bonks Larry on the head with the crowbar]

Scrambled Brains (1951)
Larry: Wait a minute! I got a brainstorm!
Moe: Anything in his brain is a storm.

Larry: [seeing the ugly woman Shemp is attracted to] I'd better have another drink; I can still see her face.
Moe: [bonks Larry on the head] Quiet.

Loco Boy Makes Good (1942)
[Larry, as a waiter, is passing by, dinner order in hand]
Bearded nightclub patron: [to Larry as he passes by] Uh, pardon me. Do you have pâté de fois gras?
Larry: [Clearly confused] I'll see if the band can play it.

Larry: [thrown out of a hotel where the rent's $1 a month] He can't throw us out just because we're eight months behind on the rent.
Moe: But he did. I'm going back in to get my other shirt.
Curly: Get my other pair of socks too, they're standing up behind the stove.

Punch Drunks (1934)
Larry: I lost my balance.
Moe: Oh, ya lost your balance, eh?
Larry: Yeah.
Moe: Well go find it!

Larry: Pardon Me, Stranger.
Mr. McGurn: What do You want?
Larry: I'm a Musician!
Mr. McGurn: So?
Larry: So, if You had some Music playing around here, You might increase Business.
Mr. McGurn: How much dough do You generally take?
Larry: About 250, but for You I'll take 200...
Mr. McGurn: I'll give You a Bowl of Soup.
Larry: I'll take it!
Mr. McGurn: ...if You're good!
Larry: O.k.
[Under His Breath]
Larry: Gee, hope the Soup's good.

Goof on the Roof (1953)
Larry: [Larry has slammed the top door in Moe's face]
[to Moe]
Larry: I didn't know you were standing there, Moe. I wouldn't have slammed the door.
Moe: [to Larry] Oh, *you* slammed it? That's all right. Hey, is that a dirty spot?
Larry: Where?
Moe: Here!
[slams door in Larry's face]

Larry: I either need a longer arm or a shorter wall.
Larry: Shorter wall.

A Pain in the Pullman (1936)
Paul Pain: I'm Paul Pain, the heart throb of millions!
Larry: What's a heart throb?
Curly: A pain in the neck! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Moe: [Looking at the dish of crab] Well, wise guys, what is it?
Larry: It's a spider.
Curly: Toitle!

False Alarms (1936)
Moe: Hey, did you hear a bell?
Larry: What?
Moe: I said "Did you hear a bell?"
Larry: What'd you say?
Moe: The bell! The bell!
Larry: I can't hear you on account of the bell.

Moe: Is there any gas in the tank?
Larry: The arrow's half-way. I don't know if it's half empty or half full!

Have Rocket -- Will Travel (1959)
[upon meeting a talking unicorn]
Larry: Ain't he quaint?
Moe: "Ain't"? The word is "isn't"!
Larry: Isn't he quisn't?

Larry: [French girl is stolen away] Why didn't I learn French instead of Latin? Ooo, a Latin...

Sock-a-Bye Baby (1942)
Larry: Hey, what do kids eat?
Moe: What do kids eat? That's easy. Soft stuff; no bones, no potato chips. What did you eat when you were a baby?
Curly: Weeds.

Larry: Wait till you see the meal we have for you - fit for a king. Even better, fit for an airplane worker.

"The New 3 Stooges: Dinopoodi (#1.156)" (1965)
Moe: Step on it lamebrains or we'll be late for the movie.
Larry: That's too bad, they're showing a cartoon.
Curly Joe: I like cartoons.

Curly Joe: Gosh, a real Dippy Ding Ding!
Moe: That's Dinopoodi ya knucklehead!
Larry: Hold it! We don't have any idea what the heck a Dinopoodi is!
Moe: Say, that's right!
Curly Joe: Well, back to the pet shop man.

Three Little Beers (1935)
Moe: What do ya know? We're right in the middle of one.
Larry: The middle of what?
Moe: A golf place.
Curly: I don't see any golfs.
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
Curly: Ooh! Look at the golfs!

Moe: Press.
Larry: Press.
Curly: Pull.

Booby Dupes (1945)
Larry: [after selling the Stooges' car] I'd like to see him start our car.
[the stooges start laughing]
Boat Man: I'd like to see you start that boat.

[the Stooges' boat has a hole in it]
Moe: We have to bail out!
Larry: I ain't got a parachute!

The Yoke's on Me (1944)
Curly: Hey, look! A pelican.
Moe: That's no pelican. It's a gander.
Curly: Mahatma Gander?
Moe: A gander. A gander! A goose's husband.
Curly: Oh.
Larry: Yeah, a papa goose.
Curly: Do they have papa and mama gooseses?
Larry: Oh, sure. And little baby gooseses, too.
Curly: Oh, I read about them. They come from Germany: the Goose-stapo.
Moe: Look, if you don't stop, I'll give you a pop.
Curly: What flavor?
Moe: Five delicious flavors.
[Moe slaps Curly]

Larry: I don't see a single cow.
Curly: I don't even see a married one.

Heavenly Daze (1948)
Moe: Hey, there's something funny going on around here... I got it, you know Shemp said he was coming back to Earth to haunt us.
Larry: Ah let him come, I ain't afraid of that fat head.
[Shemp hits Larry in the stomach and the head]
Larry: Moe, why'd you hit me for?
Moe: I didn't touch you.
Larry: That's what I was afraid of. Shemp's here! It's him! His ghost just hit me!

Larry: Why would anybody want a fountain pen that writes under whipped cream?
Moe: Well a... a fella can be out in the desert where there's no water to write under, can't he?

The Three Stooges Meet Hercules (1962)
Larry: Hey, Moe's got pretty good rhythm, eh?

Larry: I wonder where we are.
Schuyler Davis: Maybe the sign will tell us.
[the sign is written entirely in Greek letters. Curly-Joe and Larry try to sound it out]
Larry: [laughs] You know, I...
Moe: I'll smash the first guy who says it's all Greek to me.
Larry: [waves a thumb at Curly-Joe] Well, it's all Greek to him.

Tricky Dicks (1953)
Larry: You know my sister was engaged with a wooden-legged guy.
Sgt. Moe: Yeah?
Larry: She broke it off.
Sgt. Moe: The engagement?
Larry: No, the leg.

Larry: Hey, you forgot something!
[she slaps him in the face]
Larry: That's what you forgot!

Violent Is the Word for Curly (1938)
Mrs. Katsby: Oh, Professor Von Stooper?
Larry: Stupid?
[pointing to Curly]
Larry: I guess you mean him!

Acme Service Station Owner: I'm going across the street, men, for a sandwich. Now listen, when the customers come in, give 'em service. Now, this is your first day on the job, so show me that you've got what it takes. Don't be afraid to push those sponges around. Use a little elbow grease!
Curly: Suppose it's knee-action?
[Moe backhand slaps Curly]
Curly: [getting in Larry's face] What's the idea?
Larry: Mistaken identity!
[points at Moe]
Curly: [waving nervously at Moe] Hiya, pal!

"The New 3 Stooges: Get That Snack Shack Off the Track (#1.147)" (1965)
Larry: I got a feeling we bought ourselves another lulu.

Larry: A holdup man!
Curly Joe: Our first robbery!

No Dough Boys (1944)
Moe: [in a German accent] Ist zat zere za swastika?
Larry, Curly: [in German accents] Ja, zat ist za swastika!
Moe: Ist zat herr a dirty rat?
Larry, Curly: Ja, zat ist a dirty rat!

Larry: [to Hugo] So you Rat-zis want the world! Well TAKE it!
[crashes a globe over Hugo's head]

Cuckoo on a Choo Choo (1952)
Lenora: He's filthy with money.
Larry: Ah, he's filthy with or without it!

Gold Raiders (1951)
Shemp: He's got horse sense.
Larry: Too bad you ain't a horse.
Moe: What do you want to insult the horse for?

Booty and the Beast (1953)
Larry: Hey, how do you spell "garage"? With a G or a J?
Shemp: With a "G", you idiot. G-A-R-A-J.
Larry: Oh!
Moe: Fine speller you turned out to be. "G-A-R-A-J". Don't you know there's an "E" on the end of it?
Shemp: Hmm. You just made that up.

Three Little Pirates (1946)
Governor: You shall die! I'll throw you to the togers!
Moe: Give us a chance!
Larry: Be a sport too!
Governor: You want a chance?
Larry: Yeah!
Governor: Very well, you may choose the manner in which you will die.
Larry: Uh, that;s easy! Old age!
[they all laugh]

Fright Night (1947)
Moe: Is he hurt?
Larry: He's gone.
Moe: The poor kid, and I owe him 5 bucks.
Shemp: [Shemp suddenly revives] Wait a minute, I heard that. Gimme the 5.

Commotion on the Ocean (1956)
Larry: When it comes to fish, I'm a common-sewer!

"The New 3 Stooges: Dentist the Menace (#1.4)" (1965)
Larry: You know something, Moe?
Moe: What's that?
Larry: We're not gonna get out of this alive.
Moe: That's what I like about you, always such an optimist.

Beer Barrel Polecats (1946)
[first lines]
Larry: [exiting cocktail lounge] How do you like that? No beer! You know, this is the sixteenth place we've been in?
Moe: Yeah, there ain't a bottle of beer in town.

Nutty But Nice (1940)
Larry: We're trapped like rats.
Moe: Speak for yourself rodent!

Crash Goes the Hash (1944)
Larry: Not can of peas, canapés! One of us is crazy, and it's not you.

Fifi Blows Her Top (1958)
Moe Howard: [Joe bumps into Larry spilling cocktail onto Fifi's dress]
[to Larry]
Moe Howard: Look what you have done.
Larry Fine: [pointing to Joe] He made me do it.
Joe Besser: [to Larry] You're a snitch!

The Three Troubledoers (1946)
Nell the Blacksmith: Blackie got Lem this morning. That makes six sheriffs he's killed, not counting deputies.
Moe: Oh, they never count deputies.
Larry: Hey! We're deputies!

Three Smart Saps (1942)
Curly, Moe, Larry: [Closing scene: They're singing, dancing toward the camera] Oh, the wedding bells are going to ring. Ding. Dong. Ding./ The wedding bells are going to ring. Ding. Dong. Ding.
Curly: [Right into the camera] ARF!

Slippery Silks (1936)
Larry: [once told they inherited their uncle's gown shop] Water... give me water.
[a car drives by and splashes all three of them]
Moe: Water you had to have, eh?
[slaps Larry]

Pies and Guys (1958)
Prof. Quackenbush: Hey, you, with the mattresshead. If I gave you a dollar, and your father gave you a dollar - how many dollars would you have?
Larry: One dollar.
Prof. Sedlitz: You don't know your arithmetic.
Larry: You don't know my father.

Higher Than a Kite (1943)
Marshall Boring: [eyeing Larry, who is dressed as a woman] Come here, my little edelweiss. Zit on my lap.
Larry: [looking at the overweight general] What lap?

Ants in the Pantry (1936)
Moe: [Larry has a bear trap to carry on the Stooges way to the mansion]
[to Larry]
Moe: Hey, what's with the bear trap?
Larry: You never know when we will meet up with a bear.
Moe: Well, meet my bare hand!
Moe: Get out!

Scotched in Scotland (1954)
McLarry: And what might your name be, lass?
Lorna Doone: Perhaps, you've heard of it. 'Tis Lorna Doone.
McShemp: Hi, Lorna. How ya doin'?

Horses' Collars (1935)
Moe: Sometimes you got brains.
Curly: Thank you thank you.
Larry: Don't let 'em go to your head.

Merry Mavericks (1951)
Shemp: Hey Moe, I don't like this.
Larry: Yeah. Suppose that old chief comes back looking for his head.
Moe: Cut it out. That spook stuff is all a lot of foolishness. What's the matter, you scared?
Larry: No, just apprehensive.
Moe: Oh.
[Moe flinches]
Moe: That's a mighty fancy word. What does that "apprehensive" mean?
Larry: It means you're scared, with a college education.
Moe: Oh. You're pretty smart.
Larry: Oh, yeah.
Moe: [holds out his hand] What's that?
Larry: That's a hand.
Moe: [balls his hand into a fist] Good. What's that?
Larry: That's a fist.
[Moe punches Shemp in the eye]
Moe: What was that?
Larry: A punch in the eye.
Moe: Right.
[Moe punches Larry in the eye]

The Hot Scots (1948)
Larry: And what might your name be, lass?
Lorna Doone: Perhaps you've heard it, 'tis Lorna Doone
Shemp: Hi Lorna, how ya doin'?

They Stooge to Conga (1943)
Lady: The doorbell isn't working. Can you fix it?
Moe: Can we FIX it?
Larry: Can we FIX it?
Curly: Can we?

Three Dark Horses (1952)
Moe: We can buy a yacht.
Larry: And go fishin'!
Moe: You got worms?
Larry: Yeah, but I'm goin' anyhow.

Pardon My Clutch (1948)
Shemp: Alright fellas, let's get loaded.
Larry: Wait a minute, you know I don't drink.

Three Little Pigskins (1934)
Lulu Banks: Girls! I got em, I got em!
Molly Gray: What, the dinner?
Lulu Banks: No, no, the three horsemen... Come in guys, and meet the girls!
Larry: [to Daisy] Honey, will you marry me?
Moe: [to Lulu] Oh toots, I'm telling you you've more than won me!
Curley: Low man again.
[sees Molly]
Curley: Woo, woo, woo!

Pardon My Backfire (1953)
Escaped Convict: I'm going to kill you to death!
Larry: That's too permanent!

Hot Stuff (1956)
Larry: Wait a minute, I can't lay carpets.
Uranian Officer: Why not?
Larry: I'm not that rugged!

Hugs and Mugs (1950)
Shemp: I've been asked to get married hundreds of times.
Larry: Who asked you?
Shemp: My father and mother.

Income Tax Sappy (1954)
Moe: Say, Shemp, how much you gonna deduct for dependents?
Shemp: Forty-four hundred dollars.
Larry: That's eleven dependents! Who are they?
Shemp: My ex-wife and ten bartenders.
Moe: Why don't you quit kidding?
Shemp: Who's kidding?
Moe: Why, you...
[Moe moves to punch Shemp, but he ducks and Moe punches Larry]

Calling All Curs (1939)
Dr. Curly: [Larry is washing his socks]
[to Larry]
Dr. Curly: What are you doing?
Dr. Larry: [to Curly] Well, it's Monday isn't it?
Dr. Curly: [throws socks at Larry] Come on we have operating to do.

Plane Nuts (1933)
Larry: [Larry stomps his foot, his shoe goes flying into the audience, and he makes a move to go for the shoe] Oh!
Ted Healy: Let it alone - it'll come up by itself.
[the shoe flies back on to the stage, tossed by an unseen audience member]

I'm a Monkey's Uncle (1948)
Larry: Wake up and go to sleep!
Moe: Why you pussy-willow brain, you ruined a beautiful romance for me!

A Ducking They Did Go (1939)
Moe: Your troubles are over. Here we are!
Larry: Three of the best salesmen that ever sailed!

Crime on Their Hands (1948)
Larry: I wonder which one of these guys is Dapper?
Shemp: Nobody looks dapper in here!

"WWE Raw: Episode #20.15" (2012)
Moe: Hey, it's Santino Marella.
Santino Marella: What are you guys doing here?
Moe: Well, we're on our promotional tour for our movie "The Three Stooges", which opens this Friday, April 13th.
Larry: Yeah, and the studio asked us if we wouldn't mind being shipped up to D.C. for WWE RAW.
Curly: So we said soitenly. Then we woke up in that box somewhere over Kansas. Nyuk nyuk.
Santino Marella: The Larry, the Curly, and the Moe. Let me ask you this: what are you three knuckleheads having planned for the live studio audience tonight?
Moe: Oh, well we, uh... what's the plan?
[Moe slaps Larry]
Larry: Hey, what's the plan?
[Larry slaps Curly]
Curly: Ooh! What's the plan?
[Curly slaps Santino; Santino in turn slaps all three in a row]
Santino Marella: You guys come here and you don't even have plans?
Larry: No, I... I was planning on catching up with the WWE Divas. You know, exchanging some hair tips, maybe taking them out to Chinese food and seeing where things end up.
Moe: [holding his fist out] See where this ends up.
[Larry slaps Moe's fist; Moe's arm winds around in a circle and bonks Larry on the head]
Santino Marella: Hey, I like that move! Can I borrow that sometime?
Moe: Oh, sure. Anytime, Santino. Now wait a minute, can you show me your cobra move?
Santino Marella: [laughs] Okay, no problem.
[Santino demonstrates as he talks]
Santino Marella: First you do this.
Moe: [copying Santino] Go like that.
Santino Marella: Followed by this. Don't forget this. And of course, there's this.

Whoops, I'm an Indian! (1936)
[while posing as indians]
Moe: How.
Larry: How.
Curly: And how!

Wee Wee Monsieur (1938)
Moe: "Oh boy! I'll take the blonde!"
Larry: "I'll take the brunette!"
Curly: "I'll take the black and tan!"

Stone Age Romeos (1955)
Moe: Here' s the last known location of the dinosaur
Larry: Ah, c'mon, she's on television. I always watch Dinah Shore.

Baby Sitters Jitters (1951)
Moe: You're too much of an ignoramus.
Larry: Yeah, and that goes for my whole family too!

Dopey Dicks (1950)
Ralph: [Larry and Shemp attempt to leave the mansion] Don't go away, gentlemen, we may need all of you! Hahahahahahaha!
Shemp, Larry: Hehehehehehehe!
[Larry and Shemp both get spooked]
Shemp: I don't like the looks of that guy!
Larry: Me neither!

Gents Without Cents (1944)
Flo: Who are you, and what are you doing in here?
Larry: Well... we came up here to break your neck.
Flo, Mary, Shirley: [threateningly] Oh, yeah?
Curly: Wait a minute! That's before we saw you.
Moe: You see, we live in the room below. We was rehearsing our act, but you were dancing and...
Curly: [pointing to a spot on his head] The chandelier hit me in the head.
Flo: Oh, what an awful lump.
Curly: That's no lump, that's my head.

Muscle Up a Little Closer (1957)
Moe: This is a man's job.
Larry: Where will we find one?

Boobs in Arms (1940)
Moe: [laughing] Our own Army's bombarding us!
Larry: [laughing] We'll get killed!

Swing Parade of 1946 (1946)
Moose: Get the wrench!
Curly: Wrench?
Larry: Monkey!
Curly: Don't be poisanal!

Gents in a Jam (1952)
Larry: How come you give all the orders around here?
Moe: Because I got all the brains around here. Any objections?
Larry: Yeah!
[Moe slaps Larry]
Moe: Objections overruled.

Some More of Samoa (1941)
Larry: I lost the end of my shoe!
Moe: The end of a shoe ain't important!
Larry: Well this one is! I think it had my toes in it!

From Nurse to Worse (1940)
[the stooges are hiding on a stretcher under a blanket in the morgue. Two orderlies enter the room and see what they believe are cadavers]
Orderly: [to younger orderly] Move these bodies to the crematory.
Orderly: Yes sir, the crematory.
Curly: Crematory?
[younger orderly listens with shock]
Moe: Boy that's a real hot foot!
Larry: Let's get outta here!
[they throw the blanket off and run off, prompting the younger orderly to scream in fear]

Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise (1939)
Larry: An inkwell!
Moe: That's not ink! That's earl!
Curly: What d'ya mean, earl?
Moe: You know! Coal earl!
Curly: You mean oil! It's a geezer! An oil geezer!

Hula-La-La (1951)
Moe: You know, for an imbecile, you've got some brains.
Larry: Thanks. Are they showing?
[Moe slaps Larry's head]

Pardon My Scotch (1935)
Larry: Maybe we'd better humour him.
Curley: I'll marry him, if there's enough dough in it.

Wham-Bam-Slam! (1955)
Moe: Only fools are positive.
Larry: Are you sure?
Moe: I'm positive!

The Sitter Downers (1937)
Larry: [pulling the girls names out of a hat to decide who will marry who] I got Florabell.
Florabell: Honey
[hugs Larry with spine crunching sound effect]
Florabell: Darling.
Moe: I got Corabell.
Corabell: Oh Darling.
Curly: [pulls out the hat tag] I get Stetson, which one is she?

Sweet and Hot (1958)
Dr. Hugo Gansamacher: I give him artificial respiration.
Larry: Artificial? For what you charge, you give him the real thing!

Yes, We Have No Bonanza (1939)
Moe: One beer!
Curly: One beer coming up.
[fills mug and holds it up in the air with one hand]
Curly: 87,54,33 hike!
[throws the mug horizontally to Moe who catches it and puts it on the table]
Larry: Draw one!
Curly: Draw one!
[fills mug and holds it up in the air with one hand]
Curly: Hike! On the way!
[throws the mug to Larry who catches it the wrong way, the contents of the mug fly out onto Moe, getting him soaked]
Larry: I'm sorry, Moe.
Moe: Don't worry, it was just an accident.
[grabs the beer mug and smashes it on Larry's head]
Moe: That was no accident. Who did you think I was, a customer?
[grabs him by the hair]

Vagabond Loafers (1949)
Moe: [to Larry, who is covered in white powder] What do you charge to haunt a house?
Larry: How many rooms?

Of Cash and Hash (1955)
Shemp: Deserted house? I don't like deserted houses!
Larry: Why not? Maybe we'll get dessert.

Who Done It? (1949)
Moe: We're private detectives ain't we?
Larry, Shemp: Yeah!
Moe: In the movies, does a private eye ever give up?
Larry, Shemp: No!
Moe: But you softies want to quit like cowards just because you might get killed.
Larry, Shemp: Yeah!
Moe: That's a great idea, let's go!

Movie Maniacs (1936)
Moe: Boy, this picture business is tougher to get into to than I figured.
Larry: Don't worry, a bad beginning is a good ending.
Curly: Soitenly! If at first you don't succeed, keep on suckin' til you do suck seed.