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Quotes for
Ross Malloy (Character)
from "Unhappily Ever After" (1995)

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"Unhappily Ever After: Driving Me Crazy (#2.6)" (1995)
Ross Malloy: Hi Mom.
Jennie Malloy: Hi honey,
Ross Malloy: I want a bicycle.
Jennie Malloy: What do you need a bicycle for?
Ross Malloy: It's too far to walk to the movies. I wanna see Showgirls.
Jennie Malloy: Showgirls? Well, who's in it?
Ross Malloy: The girl from Saved By The Bell.
Jennie Malloy: Aw, you always liked her.
[hands him the money]


"Unhappily Ever After: Jack Moves Back (#2.1)" (1995)
Jennie Malloy: Here, sign these divorce papers so I can finally have three kids, not four.
[Jack signs promptly]
Jennie Malloy: God, this is a big moment. Really makes you think, doesn't it?
Jack Malloy: Yes, we all have second thoughts.
[hands back the documents]
Jack Malloy: Your turn, press hard, there's three copies.
Jennie Malloy: Well, I guess our relationship has run its course. Course the ones hurt in a divorce are really the children. But they're the school's problem.
[giggles, nudging Jack]
Jack Malloy: Kids grow up the same way no matter what you do. If they don't get their values from movies and TV and rap music, what can we do?
Jennie Malloy: Yeah, you can put the cable in, but you can't watch it for 'em. Besides, nothing seems to affect these kids.
Tiffany Malloy: [coming down the stairs, dressed to kill, snarling at her brother] Fatherless twerp!
Ryan Malloy: [biting back] Oh, you frigid sexless ice queen!
Tiffany Malloy: I'm telling Dad!
Ryan Malloy: Dad? If you can find him!
[Tiffany laughs, they leave]
Jack Malloy: Well, I don't feel guilty, their personalities were formed long before we ever split up. No, it's little Ross who would be the most affected. He's the most normal of all.
Ross Malloy: [entering, shaved head, anti-social outfit] Eenie, meenie, miney, mo, grab a Redneck by the toe, if he hollers let him go.
[mimics firing rifle at fleeing quarry]
Ross Malloy: Bam! Bam! Bam!
Jack Malloy: Ross, who are you supposed to be?
Ross Malloy: [proudly] Woody Harrelson in Natural Born Killers.
[grinning ominously]
Jack Malloy: [to Jennie] What a relief. I thought he was Paul Schäfer.


"Unhappily Ever After: The Descent of Man (#1.7)" (1995)
Ross Malloy: I'm starving, I wanna go home.
Jack Malloy: Well, you can't go home now.
Ryan Malloy: Yeah, but at least there's food there.
Jack Malloy: [gets up from the couch in disgust] You whining sissies, you make me sick! We're men, we don't give up our principles just to eat. We give them up for the promise of sex, but not just for food! You are soldiers in the battle of the sexes. If you go home now, and let a woman push you around, while the whole world laughs at ya, you might as well just be the President of the United States. Now is that what you want?
Ryan Malloy: [in unison] No!
Ross Malloy: [in unison] No!
Jack Malloy: All right. Let's be men.
[walks to the door, takes jacket]
Jack Malloy: Come on, guys. It's night in the city. And if we can't roll a drunk, or score some loose change from the seats of an unlocked automobile, then we have no right to call ourselves Malloy.


"Unhappily Ever After: The Rat (#2.3)" (1995)
Ross Malloy: [after acting as live rat bait, jacket covered with all sorts of cheeses] He got me by the cheddar!


"Unhappily Ever After: Run (#1.6)" (1995)
Tiffany Malloy: You know, I don't think Daddy is ever coming back.
Ross Malloy: I want my lollipop.
Jennie Malloy: Oh, Daddy will be here with him soon, honey. He'd never run. He's got a conscience and no imagination...
[looks disappointed]
Jennie Malloy: and that's bad when you're having sex. But it's good when you want lollipops.


"Unhappily Ever After: A Line in the Sand (#2.8)" (1995)
Ross Malloy: [arriving home] Hi, Mom and Dad.
Jennie Malloy: Oh, Ross, honey, come here, I want you to help us settle something.
[they sit down on the couch]
Jennie Malloy: Now, where would you rather go? To beautiful Hawaii,
[mimicking gentle waves]
Jennie Malloy: or to the stultifying heat of the barren desert that is Vegas?
Ross Malloy: [worldly-wise] Well, Hawaii has got the sunshine, but Vegas has the action.
[smiling]
Ross Malloy: And the chicken ranch.
Jack Malloy: [sitting down next to him on the couch, concerned] What do you know about the chicken ranch?
Ross Malloy: [innocently] I guess you can have the chicken you want, any way you want it.
Jack Malloy: Yup. That about covers it, son.
[returning to the Hawaii/Vegas debate]
Jack Malloy: And Vegas has those sumptuous buffets.
Jennie Malloy: [playing trump card] Hawaii has girls in bikinis.
Jack Malloy: Yeah, but no sumptuous buffets.
Ross Malloy: They both sound great. When are we going?
Jack Malloy: Oh, you're not going.


"Unhappily Ever After: Zit Could Happen to You (#2.2)" (1995)
Ross Malloy: [still in his Woody Harrelson Natural Born Killers phase, shaven head, leather jacket] I think we'll all feel better when I get a gun.
Jennie Malloy: [surveying her youngest child] Maybe we should talk to him.
Tiffany Malloy: Who cares about him? I have a zit!
[still in shock]
Tiffany Malloy: I can't believe it! I built my entire life around my physical beauty, I thought it would last forever, you know, till I was, like, twenty-five.
[said with distaste]
Tiffany Malloy: Ooh what a fool I was. Well, now it's gone, And there's only one thing left for me to do. I'm going to have to develop a personality.