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Quotes for
Owen Newitt (Character)
from "The Vicar of Dibley" (1994)

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"The Vicar of Dibley: Celebrity Vicar (#2.3)" (1998)
[first lines]
David Horton: Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.
Owen Newitt: Good idea.
Geraldine Granger: You're the boss.
David Horton: Excellent. Ready, Frank?
Frank Pickle: Absolutely.
David Horton: Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?
Jim Trott: Yes.
Hugo Horton: Father.
David Horton: Later, Hugo.
Hugo Horton: I didn't say anything.
David Horton: What do you mean?
Hugo Horton: [his lips are not moving] Father. Father.
David Horton: Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?
Geraldine Granger: [dressed as an angel] Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.

Geraldine: What's worse than not selling any tickets at all?
Owen Newitt: Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.
Jim: No, no, no, no, th-that's right. Who comes on the stage, and slits all our throats, and then leaves us all in a great pool of blood!
David Horton: Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address?

David Horton: For God's sake! This is exactly the kind of interruption we're trying to avoid!
Jim: Oh, uh, I thought you had meant the kind of thing like where, you know, you're talking about Owen's cattle. And I think you're talking about Owen's kettle. And I say I'll lend him mine, but... it's fused at the moment.
David Horton: Yes. Well, that kind of thing can be pretty annoying, too. Moving on.
Hugo: Your kettle really not working, Jim?
Jim: No, no, absolutely knackered.
Owen Newitt: I can lend you mine, at a very reasonable price.
David Horton: [banging his gavel] Stop it right there!

[Frank is on stage, doing an incredibly boring "impressions" routine]
Owen: [to David] I've got my shotgun in the van.
David Horton: Load both barrels.

"The Vicar of Dibley: Election (#1.5)" (1994)
Owen Newitt: He's as doomed as a virgin on a date with Rod Stewart.

[first lines]
Frank Pickle: [very slowly] Mister. Hor-ton. Had. A. Shag. Pile. Car. Pet. Installed.
David Horton: Frank, I'm not absolutely convinced that this new shorthand is helping.
Owen Newitt: Sorry I'm late. Sheep exploded. Nasty business.
Frank Pickle: Would you like a quick recap?
Owen Newitt: Well, make it quick. The buggers are popping like champagne corks out there.
Frank Pickle: First we had the apologies, and then the council agreed to give two hundred pounds to the Scots.
Owen Newitt: What the hell for? I miss ten minutes and you all go mad. Why the hell should we give the Scots money?
Geraldine Granger: Calm down, Owen. That's the *scouts*, Frank.
Frank Pickle: Oh, right. We also gave twenty pounds to the Save the Chickens fund.
David Horton: Moving on.

[David Horton has reneged on his campaign promises]
Owen Newitt: I vote we kill him.
Jim Trott: No no no no no no no, so do I.
Letitia Cropley: I could poison him if you like. No-one'ld ever know.

[slander campaign he has devised against David Horton]
Owen Newitt: In the old days you'd vote for Horton, because you thought you oughta. But remember - he's not only had your votes, he's also had your daughter!

"The Vicar of Dibley: Community Spirit (#1.3)" (1994)
[first lines]
Owen Newitt: Unavoidably detained.
David Horton: Right. I call this meeting of the Dibley parish council to order. Item 1, do we have any apologies?
Jim Trott: No, no no no no, no no no no, yes.
David Horton: Yes, Jim.
Jim Trott: No no no no, yes. I'm, I'm sorry I missed the bridge evening yesterday.
David Horton: No, you don't have to apologize for that, Jim.
Jim Trott: No no no no no no no, I want to.
David Horton: No, I mean apologies mean you only have to apologize for not being here.
Jim Trott: But I *am* here. Bu- but I could go away if you like, and then come back and apologize for not being here next time.
David Horton: Moving on.

David Horton: Item two: Mindless Vandalism. As you probably know, we have an outbreak of graffiti in the village.
Letitia Cropley: Oh, yes, I saw that. I don't think you're a prat, Mr Horton.
David Horton: No-one said I was.
Owen Newitt: Yes, some bugger's scrawled: "Mr Horton's a total prat" on the Scout Hut wall.
David Horton: We also seem to have acquired a village *Puss* Office. You keeping up, Frank?
Frank Pickle: Yeah. Horton's a total prat.
David Horton: Well, let's just keep an eye out for them, shall we? Especially the little *bastard* who's tampered with the sign for the *Tuck* Shop.

"The Vicar of Dibley: The Handsome Stranger (#5.1)" (2006)
[first lines]
Jim Trott: [during a meeting] And I was down to the last two boxes! £250,000 in one box, 10p in the other! And the Banker offered me £100,000, and No-no-no-no-no-no-Noel Edmonds asked me the question, "Deal or No Deal?" Well, I wanted to deal. So I said, "No-no-no-no-no deal." And for some reason that I cannot fathom, they thought I meant, "No-no-no-no deal."
Owen Newitt: And what was in your box?
Jim Trott: [holds up a coin] 10p.

David Horton: [looking at the meeting agenda] Any other, other business?
Geraldine Granger: Uh, yes actually there is something. I was very cross to hear that Sleepy Cottage has been sold to yet another layabout Londoner. I mean, honestly guys if this goes on, Dibley will be a ghost town. And then...
David Horton: Who you gonna call?
Owen Newitt, Jim Trott, Hugo Horton, Frank Pickle: Ghostbusters!

"The Vicar of Dibley: Engagement (#2.1)" (1997)
Owen Newitt: I believe this is your filling.
Geraldine: Oh... Thank you, Owen...
Owen Newitt: I'd have brought it sooner, but I've only just passed it.
Geraldine: Right... I won't be putting it right back in then...

[Geraldine has turned down Owen's proposal of marriage]
Reverend Geraldine Granger: Promise me you're not too upset?
Owen Newitt: Well, I don't know yet how upset I am.
Reverend Geraldine Granger: Well, not so upset you're going to go kill yourself or anything like that?
Owen Newitt: I haven't decided. But, before I do, answer me one question.
Reverend Geraldine Granger: Oh, anything.
Owen Newitt: Right. Have you been drinking?
Reverend Geraldine Granger: Have had one little dropsicle, yes.
Owen Newitt: Because if there's one thing I can't stand it's a woman who drinks. So, no, I'm not upset at all. In fact I'm very grateful to you from saving me from marriage to a lush who reeks of gin from dusk till dawn. Madam, I bid you farewell, you revolting old soak.
[Owen storms out]
Reverend Geraldine Granger: That is one hell of a charming dude.

"The Vicar of Dibley: Songs of Praise (#1.2)" (1994)
[first lines]
Owen Newitt: As long as you wear plastic gloves up to your shoulder, so you can put your arm right up her.
David Horton: And I think that is that for today, except of course for any other business. Any other business?
David Horton: Hugo?
Hugo Horton: Yup?
David Horton: Any other business?
Hugo Horton: Oh, uh... yes, um, I would like to record the council's gratitude for the completely anonymous gift of this wonderful new Bible.
[murmurs of agreement from the others]
David Horton: I think you might add 'extraordinarily generous'.
Geraldine Granger: Mmm... and delete 'completely anonymous'.

Cecil: [listening to Owen's glorious rendition of "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring"] He's like a young Pavarotti.
Geraldine Granger: Thinner...
Owen Newitt: And I've got more sheep!

"The Vicar of Dibley: The Arrival (#1.1)" (1994)
David Horton: This is Geraldine. She's the new vicar!
Geraldine: Hello.
Owen Newitt: No, she isn't!
Geraldine: Why not?
Owen Newitt: She's a woman!
Geraldine: Aaah, you noticed? These are such a give-away, aren't they?
[pointing to her breasts]

[last lines]
Frank Pickle: It's the most people we've had in the church since that Lady Godiva thing three years ago.
Geraldine: Oh, what was that?
Hugo Horton: We were celebrating the summer solstice, and we thought it would be fun to re-enact Lady Godiva.
Geraldine: [to Alice, who is unbuttoning her] No, no, no, no, no, that is my dress.
Owen Newitt: A lot of people turned up, but unfortunately it was rather disappointing.
Geraldine: Lady Godiva wearing a body stocking.
Frank Pickle: No! She was absolutely stark naked.
Geraldine: Wow.
Letitia Cropley: Well, I hadn't had time to go to the hair-dresser, so I wasn't looking my best.
Geraldine: I bet you were, you sauce-pot.

"The Vicar of Dibley: Dibley Live (#2.2)" (1998)
[first lines]
David Horton: Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?
Owen Newitt: Yes, tear it up.
David Horton: I beg your pardon?
Owen Newitt: Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.
Jim Trott: No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.
Geraldine Granger: No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.
Jim Trott: Yes, that is Wimbledon.
David Horton: Oh, come on. We did all right last year.
Geraldine Granger: We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!
David Horton: Is that right?
Geraldine Granger: Remember Denfield?
David Horton: Well, how could one forget those poor people?
Hugo Horton: Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?
Geraldine Granger: And they came fifty-third.
David Horton: Point taken.
[crumples the form]
David Horton: Let's forget it.

"The Vicar of Dibley: The Christmas Lunch Incident (#1.8)" (1996)
[last lines]
Hugo Horton: I-I-I'm not a great speech-maker. Get so nervous I usually start gibbering absolute talkish. I-I-I I just wanted to say: this village didn't amount to doodle-squat before the vicar arrived. N-Now it's a fantastic place to live.
Jim Trott, Owen Newitt, Frank Pickle: Hear, hear!
Owen Newitt: She's the first person ever to make me feel genuinely desirable.
Hugo Horton: Exactly, Owen. So I-I-I'd like you all to raise your glasses to our own dear vicar.
Jim Trott, Owen Newitt, Frank Pickle: Hear, hear.
David Horton: To the vicar!
David Horton, Alice Tinker, Jim Trott, Owen Newitt, Frank Pickle: The vicar!
Hugo Horton: And we hope she soon recovers from what seems to have been a truly sensational bout of indigestion.
Geraldine Granger: [from the WC] Thanks a lot. I should be out just after New Year.

"The Vicar of Dibley: Autumn (#3.1)" (1999)
Owen Newitt: She's already missed one set of Sunday services and it's important she doesn't miss another.
Alice: Can I just say, um, that I thought Mr. Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.
Hugo: Yes, bravo. How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing.
Owen Newitt: As I say, it's absolutely *vital* that she doesn't miss another Sunday. I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.
Jim: Don't worry Frank, they were going to die anyway. And that fellow who stood up and said "if this moron doesn't shut up soon I'm going to kill myself," and then five minutes later shot himself in the head... well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time...

"The Vicar of Dibley: Summer (#3.4)" (2000)
Owen Newitt: [walking into the parish hall] Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake of going in my toilet this morning, and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.

"The Vicar of Dibley: The Easter Bunny (#1.7)" (1996)
Owen Newitt: You're a tit short of an udder, you are.

"The Vicar of Dibley: The Window & the Weather (#1.4)" (1994)
[first lines]
Owen Newitt: Filthy weather.
Jim Trott: No no no no no no no no I've known worse.
Owen Newitt: Oh yes? When was that, then?
Jim Trott: The Great Storm, when the windmill got blown over.
Owen Newitt: That wasn't the Great Storm; that was a moderately windy night. No, the really great storm was the Great Storm.
Jim Trott: When was that, then?
Owen Newitt: When Dave Batt got decapitated.
Jim Trott: That wasn't the Great Storm.
Owen Newitt: Well, it was pretty damn great.
Jim Trott: No, the greatest storm was the one when Old Harold got blown into the quarry.
Owen Newitt: Ooh, that! The Great Winds.
Jim Trott: The what?
Owen Newitt: The Great Storm there's got to be rain, and in the Great Winds there was just wind.
Letitia Cropley: Nasty night. It reminds me of the Great Storm.
Owen Newitt, Jim Trott: Shut up!

"The Vicar of Dibley: Animals (#1.6)" (1994)
Owen Newitt: [looking at the giant vegetable Jim has grown] Well, bugger me.
Letitia Cropley: You know, it's time the vicar did something about your bad language.
[looks at the vegetable]
Letitia Cropley: Ooh, it is a big bugger, though, isn't it?

"The Vicar of Dibley: Love and Marriage (#2.4)" (1998)
[first lines]
Geraldine Granger: Sorry I'm late. Where are we?
Hugo Horton: Voting on a name for the new road.
Geraldine Granger: Oh, good. So long as we don't name it after any of us. I hate all that puffy, puffy self-publicity stuff, don't you? So, what's the suggestion?
Hugo Horton: David Horton Road.
Geraldine Granger: Oh, please! In the name of all that is holy, no!
David Horton: Actually, I agree with the vicar on this one. Very poor idea, Hugo. Personally I'd rather we named it in memory of someone who is no longer with us, someone like, say... my predecessor as chairman of the parish council.
Owen Newitt: Very good idea.
David Horton: Excellent.
Geraldine Granger: Your predecessor being, let me just get this right, your father's cousin? Whose name was...?
David Horton: David Horton, that's right. All those in favour of naming it David Horton Road, after my predecessor?
[all but Geraldine raise their hands]
David Horton: Carried.