No Photo Available
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Alice Tinker (Character)
from "The Vicar of Dibley" (1994)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Vicar of Dibley: The Handsome Stranger (#5.1)" (2006)
Alice Horton: [to Geraldine about Harry] Has he driven his purple Porsche in your personal parking space yet?

Harry Kennedy: [answers the door and meets Geraldine and Alice] Oh, hello.
Geraldine Granger, Alice Horton: Hello.
Harry Kennedy: Come in?
Geraldine Granger: Yes lovely.
[they enter the house]
Harry Kennedy: [moves a large box] Sorry it's a bit of a mess. I just moved out of a student big flat in London it's gonna be a bit of a squeeze squeezing it all in so uh, well if you see anything you like the look of just steal it I'll never know.
Alice Horton: Really?
Geraldine Granger: [to Alice] No, not really.
Harry Kennedy: Oh, I'm Harry by the way. Sorry. All over the shop today.
Geraldine Granger: [shaking Harry's hand] Oh, right and I'm Geraldine. I just live down the lane.
Harry Kennedy: Excellent.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah.
Alice Horton: And I'm Alice.
Harry Kennedy: [shakes her hand] Splendid! Well, what a suprise so I actually recieve a visit from a neighbour. I lived on the same street in London for 15 whole years and the bell never rang once.
Alice Horton: Oh, we had a bell like that.

Alice Horton: [walks out of the kitchen carrying two cups and gives one to Geraldine] I've been reading that fantastic new book from the Bible.
Geraldine Granger: [confused] *What* fantastic new book from the Bible?
Alice Horton: The Da Vinci Code. You know it's *so* much better than Genesis and that boring old stuff.
Geraldine Granger: I hate to tell you Alice but The Da Vinci Code is *not* a new book in the Bible. It's just a story.
Alice Horton: [downcast] Oh, that is so disappointing.
Geraldine Granger: [broken voice] I know.
Alice Horton: To think that Catholic Church has fooled you as well Mrs Gullible... Gussit. That's what they want you to believe. And I've been thinking...
Geraldine Granger: Ooh. Always a worry.

Alice Horton: [after Geraldine saw Harry talking on the phone to a lady friend he knew] Oh love. What fools it makes of us all.
Geraldine Granger: [sitting on the sofa, disappointed] Yes indeed.
Alice Horton: Week after week I've been snogging that new puppy and then whoops-a-daisy I've got a great big mouth ulcer.
Geraldine Granger: [uninterested] What a lovely romantic story.
Alice Horton: Do you remember when you were dating David's brother and you jumped into that puddle just to show off? You went in right up to your neck.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah well I won't be doing that again, no matter how cute a chap is.
Alice Horton: [gasps] Oh gosh! How's it going with Mr. Dreamboat?
[Geraldine looks down]
Alice Horton: Has he driven his purple Porsche in your personal parking space yet?
Geraldine Granger: [annoyed] No Alice! He hasn't!
[Alice makes a cute sound]
Geraldine Granger: Shut up and get out!

Alice Horton: [walks into the lounge] I've been thinking.
[Alice sits on the sofa next to Geraldine]
Alice Horton: Should've been you.
[meaning Geraldine and Harry]
Geraldine Granger: Oh well...


"The Vicar of Dibley: The Christmas Lunch Incident (#1.8)" (1996)
[first lines]
Alice Tinker: Vicar?
Geraldine Granger: Mm-hm?
Alice Tinker: What you looking forward to more than anything else at Christmas this year?
Geraldine Granger: Well, my highlights are going to be Jurassic Park and the Queen's speech, written this year by Ruby Wax, I believe. And what about you?
Alice Tinker: I'm totally excited about your first Christmas sermon; it, it's just going to be an experience I'll never forget.
Geraldine Granger: Alice, my *first* Christmas sermon was last Christmas.
Alice Tinker: Oh, yeah, I forgot.

[last lines]
Hugo Horton: I-I-I'm not a great speech-maker. Get so nervous I usually start gibbering absolute talkish. I-I-I I just wanted to say: this village didn't amount to doodle-squat before the vicar arrived. N-Now it's a fantastic place to live.
Jim Trott, Owen Newitt, Frank Pickle: Hear, hear!
Owen Newitt: She's the first person ever to make me feel genuinely desirable.
Hugo Horton: Exactly, Owen. So I-I-I'd like you all to raise your glasses to our own dear vicar.
Jim Trott, Owen Newitt, Frank Pickle: Hear, hear.
David Horton: To the vicar!
David Horton, Alice Tinker, Jim Trott, Owen Newitt, Frank Pickle: The vicar!
Hugo Horton: And we hope she soon recovers from what seems to have been a truly sensational bout of indigestion.
Geraldine Granger: [from the WC] Thanks a lot. I should be out just after New Year.

Geraldine Granger: [post credits] Right. Knock, knock.
Alice Tinker: Who's there?
Geraldine Granger: The interrupting sheep.
Alice Tinker: The interrupting she...
Geraldine Granger: Baaaaa! You get it?
Alice Tinker: No, sorry, 'cause I hadn't finished my bit. Do it again, and...
Geraldine Granger: No, that's the joke, you see. The interrupting sheep always interrupts people. See?
Alice Tinker: And that's funny?
Geraldine Granger: Yes. It's hilarious.
Alice Tinker: Oh, well in that case, I know hundreds of hilarious jokes like that.
Geraldine Granger: Do you?
Alice Tinker: Yeah, I do. Uh, knock, knock.
Geraldine Granger: Who's there?
Alice Tinker: Uh, the interrupting cow.
Geraldine Granger: The interrupting...
Alice Tinker: Mooo.
[Geraldine just nods]
Alice Tinker: Knock, knock.
Geraldine Granger: Who's there?
Alice Tinker: The interrupting rabbit.
Geraldine Granger: The interrupting rabbit who?
Alice Tinker: [pause] What noise does a rabbit make? I know they sort of twitch their noses and...
Geraldine Granger: I wonder if I could get the Church to agree to the idea of verger culling.
Alice Tinker: [miming a rabbit] Tch tch tch tch tcn...


"The Vicar of Dibley: The Window & the Weather (#1.4)" (1994)
[post credits]
Alice Tinker: Right. I've got one for you, today.
Geraldine Granger: Oh, fab.
Alice Tinker: It's very funny. Ahem. Knock, knock.
Geraldine Granger: Who's there?
Alice Tinker: Ronny.
Geraldine Granger: Ronny who?
Alice Tinker: Ronny Barker.
[laughs]
Alice Tinker: It would be funny if Ronny Barker came to your door, wouldn't it?
Geraldine Granger: Yes. I'm not quite sure you understand how these jokes work.
Alice Tinker: Knock, knock.
Geraldine Granger: Who's there?
Alice Tinker: Billy.
Geraldine Granger: Billy Connolly would it be?
Alice Tinker: Yes!
[laughing]
Alice Tinker: How did you know that one? Well it's funny, isn't it?
Geraldine Granger: Not really, no.
Alice Tinker: Don't worry, I have got hundreds more where they came from. Knock, knock.
Geraldine Granger: Who the hell is it this time?
Alice Tinker: Groucho.
Geraldine Granger: Going to be a very long night, isn't it.

Alice Tinker: I've got this piggy-bank. My dad, right, used to put all his money in it, and he said that when I grew up, I could open it buy a castle.
Geraldine Granger: Did your dad have a reputation for telling the truth?
Alice Tinker: Oh, yeah. My mother knew all about his kids in the other villages.

Geraldine Granger: You're not scared anymore?
Alice Tinker: No.
[the lights go out. Alice screams]
Geraldine Granger: For crying out loud Hugo!


"The Vicar of Dibley: Spring (#3.3)" (1999)
[last lines]
Geraldine Granger: So, Superman is feeling a bit bored because Spiderman and Batman are on a scuba diving course.
Alice Horton: Oh, shame.
Geraldine Granger: So, he's flying around, and suddenly, he sees Wonder Woman naked, spread-eagled on the top of a tall building.
Alice Horton: She'll catch cold.
Geraldine Granger: No, no, it's summer - summer.
Alice Horton: Well, thank goodness for that.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah. So, he's always fancied Wonder Woman, so he thinks, "now's my chance!", and he swoops down and faster than a speeding bullet, does his business, and then he flies off, again. Moment later, Wonder says "What was that?", and The Invisible Man climbs off her and says "I don't know, but it hurt a lot!" I know it's rude, but it's very funny.
Alice Horton: I don't get it.
Geraldine Granger: No, I didn't expect that you would.
Alice Horton: Well, you seem to be suggesting that Superman committed homosexual rape upon The Invisible Man. I just don't find that funny.
Geraldine Granger: Right.
Alice Horton: In fact, you're besmirching the reputation of two of the finest superheroes this world has ever known. I mean, I've never actually met them. Well, I might have met The Invisible Man - I wouldn't know - he's invisible. I've heard that they are both really nice guys. And frankly, I think you should be ashamed of yourself. Goodbye, Vicar.
Geraldine Granger: [after Alice walks out] Prude!

Geraldine Granger: Now, remember that God is a father, very much like your own father.
Alice Horton: So he's drunk from dusk till dawn?
Geraldine Granger: No, well, probably a bit more like Hugo's father, then.
Hugo Horton: Shouting a lot? Telling me I'm a cretin?


"The Vicar of Dibley: Autumn (#3.1)" (1999)
Owen Newitt: She's already missed one set of Sunday services and it's important she doesn't miss another.
Alice: Can I just say, um, that I thought Mr. Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.
Hugo: Yes, bravo. How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing.
Owen Newitt: As I say, it's absolutely *vital* that she doesn't miss another Sunday. I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.
Jim: Don't worry Frank, they were going to die anyway. And that fellow who stood up and said "if this moron doesn't shut up soon I'm going to kill myself," and then five minutes later shot himself in the head... well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time...

Geraldine: You know, I've been thinking. I don't think it is such a mortal sin these days, for an umarried Vicar to have sex. You know, as long as she doesn't rub her parishioner's noses in it.
Alice: Rub her parishioner's noses in what?
Geraldine: In the sex.
Alice: I'm starting to feel a bit sick...
Geraldine: Yeah, yeah, forget it, forget it.


"The Vicar of Dibley: Celebrity Vicar (#2.3)" (1998)
[post credits]
Geraldine Granger: So, what do you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower?
Alice Tinker: I don't know; what *do* you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower?
Geraldine Granger: Shredded tweet.
Alice Tinker: So the budgie's dead, then?
Geraldine Granger: Yes, I should think so.
[laughing]
Geraldine Granger: It's shredded tweet.
Alice Tinker: Poor little thing. It didn't even see the lawnmower coming. How could it know that death was just round the corner?
Geraldine Granger: Alice, look, I'm not going to tell you these jokes any more if you're going to keep on responding like this. It's not a real budgie, OK? It's not a real lawnmower; it's just a joke.
Alice Tinker: So the budgie's not dead?
Geraldine Granger: No, it never got born.
Alice Tinker: Never got born?
Geraldine Granger: No.
Alice Tinker: Poor little thing. Oh, so much beauty. So much potential; it never got born. Never saw the light of the sun, or felt the gentle rustling of the breeze through its feathers. Never went "tweekle, tweekle, tweekle, give me my Cottle Fizz."
Geraldine Granger: Get out now. Go on, get out!

[last lines]
Geraldine Granger: Why would anyone be stupid enough to want fame and fortune when you can have the stars at night and a proper friend by your side?
Alice Tinker: Oh, nice.


"The Vicar of Dibley: Songs of Praise (#1.2)" (1994)
[last lines]
Alice Tinker: [on TV show] The lesson is taken from the sixth chapter of the Song of Solomon, beginning at the second verse.
Alice Tinker: [reading from the newly presented Bible] Ye are the fault of the earth and fainted... sainted. God shall feel... seal your endeavours until ye fit on his right hand. Therefore fight the good fight, for his... fake, and he shall be thy fu...
Geraldine Granger: *Succour!* He shall be thy succour.
Alice Tinker: ...thy succour.
Geraldine Granger: [watching the show] You see, nobody would have noticed. Would they, David?
David Horton: No! No, of course not, not if they were watching the other side.

[post credits]
Geraldine Granger: So, two nuns driving down the road in Transylvania.
Alice Tinker: Oooh.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, and all of a sudden a great big scary vampire jumps out right in front of the car.
Alice Tinker: Oh no.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah. So one nun says to the other, "Show him your cross." So she winds down her window and leans out and says, "Get out of the way you toothy git!"
[starts to laugh]
Alice Tinker: Oh, I misunderstood that because I thought she meant show him your crucifix; whereas, in fact she meant show him you're really, really angry.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, it is quite a confusing story, yeah.
Alice Tinker: I'm stupid.
Geraldine Granger: No, you're not stupid at all.
Alice Tinker: Oh, it's funny, eh.
[starts giggling]


"The Vicar of Dibley: Animals (#1.6)" (1994)
[first lines]
Alice: You know that stuff that they're selling now at the local shop?
Geraldine Granger: Which stuff?
Alice: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Geraldine Granger: Oh, yeah.
Alice: Well, you know, I can't believe it's not butter.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, well, I believe that is the idea, yeah.
Alice: Then yesterday I went to Kirkenden and I bought this other stuff, like a sort of home brand, you know.
Geraldine Granger: Yes?
Alice: And, you know, I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Geraldine Granger: Mmmm?
[pause]
Geraldine Granger: I'm losing you now.
Alice: Oh, right. Well, you know I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you think it is butter.
Alice: No, no. I mean, you know the stuff that I can't believe is not butter is called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?
Geraldine Granger: Probably, yeah, yeah.
Alice: Well, I can't believe the stuff that is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And I can't believe that both I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff that I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are both, in fact, not butter. And I believe... they both might be butter... in a cunning disguise. And, in fact, there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah. You see, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by the whole thing.

[post credit]
Geraldine Granger: I haven't any more religious jokes, but I suppose I have got a couple of animal ones.
Alice: Oh, fire off.
Geraldine Granger: Why did the lobster blush?
Alice: Why?
Geraldine Granger: Because the sea weed.
Alice: Because the sea weed what?
Geraldine Granger: Because the sea *weed*.
Alice: Did what?
Geraldine Granger: No, no, listen. The lobster was in the sea, right?
Alice: Yes.
Geraldine Granger: And the sea weed. *Weed*.
Alice: Oh.
[covers her mouth with her hands]
Alice: Oh dear, oh dear.
Geraldine Granger: What?
Alice: That is the rudest thing I have ever heard.


"The Vicar of Dibley: Community Spirit (#1.3)" (1994)
[post credits]
Geraldine Granger: So three nuns get killed in a car crash.
Alice Tinker: Oh, dear.
Geraldine Granger: Yes, and they get up to heaven.
Alice Tinker: Of course.
Geraldine Granger: And Peter's at the gate and he says, "I'm afraid you're going to have to answer a question before you can come in."
Alice Tinker: Oh!
Geraldine Granger: So he says to the first one, "Don't worry the questions are very easy. What was the name of the first woman?" And she says, "Eve," and he says, "Yep, you're in." And he says to the second one, "Where did Eve live?"
Alice Tinker: Oh yes, I know this.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, yeah yeah. And she says,
Geraldine Granger, Alice Tinker: "Garden of Eden."
Geraldine Granger: And he says, "Yep, you're in."
Alice Tinker: Phew.
Geraldine Granger: And he says to the third one, which was the mother superior, "I'm afraid the question is going to have to be a little bit more tricky for you."
Alice Tinker: Well, fair enough 'cause...
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, obviously. And he says to her, "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" And the mother superior says, "Oh, that's a hard one." And he says, "Yup, you're in."
[Geraldine starts laughing]
Alice Tinker: [long pause] Well, she hadn't answered the question.
Geraldine Granger: Pardon?
Alice Tinker: She hadn't answered the question.
Geraldine Granger: How do you mean?
Alice Tinker: He let her in and she didn't know what the answer was.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, it just doesn't work, does it, as a joke.
Alice Tinker: Yes, just that end bit you could jig.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, well, I'm going to send it back anyway. Stupid, that one.


"The Vicar of Dibley: Dibley Live (#2.2)" (1998)
[post credits]
Geraldine Granger: So there's this man vicar...
Alice Tinker: Oh!
Geraldine Granger: Yeah. And he's playing golf with his friend, John.
Alice Tinker: John.
Geraldine Granger: John, yup. And John misses a three foot putt.
Alice Tinker: Oh, dear.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah. And he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!" and the vicar tuts and he says, "John, you say that once more and God will open up the heavens and send a thunderbolt down to strike you dead." Well, the next thing that happens, John misses a two foot putt, and he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"
Alice Tinker: Uh-oh.
Geraldine Granger: Yes. So the heavens open, a great big thunderbolt comes down and strikes the *vicar* dead. And God says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"
Alice Tinker: No, no-no, that, that can't be right, can it? Because God wouldn't miss, 'cause He's God. I mean even though he was standing really close he'd still hit the right one, and he certainly wouldn't swear.
Geraldine Granger: It's a very tiny brain you're housing in there, isn't it?


"The Vicar of Dibley: The Easter Bunny (#1.7)" (1996)
Geraldine Granger: Can I have a private talk with you?
Alice Tinker: Okay, as long as it's not about tampons because I just don't understand them.


"The Vicar of Dibley: Election (#1.5)" (1994)
[post credits]
Geraldine Granger: Right, just a short one, OK?
Alice Tinker: Right, yeah.
Geraldine Granger: Two nuns in a bath. One says to the other, "Where's the soap?" and the other one says, "Yes, it does rather."
Alice Tinker: Oh.
[laughing]
Alice Tinker: Yes.
Geraldine Granger: Do you know, Alice, I'm rather surprised you got that one.
Alice Tinker: Oh yes, very funny that.
Geraldine Granger: Why is it funny, Alice?
Alice Tinker: Why? Well, one of the nuns is deaf, isn't she, so the other one says, "Where's the soap?", the deaf one mishears her, thinks she said, "It makes the water dirty" or something like that, the other one says, "Yes, it does rather, doesn't it." That's right, isn't it?
Geraldine Granger: Yes, yes! Yeah, that's right. I think you should tell that one to your Gran.
Alice Tinker: Yes. I should, she'd love it.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah.


"The Vicar of Dibley: Ballykissdibley (#2.0)" (1997)
Alice: I haven't been so excited since I got the card saying I won the beauty contest, do you remember?
Reverend Geraldine Granger: We were playing monopoly at the time, weren't we?
Alice: That's right. I was *so* proud.
Reverend Geraldine Granger: Yeah. Off you go then, sad little lunatic.


"The Vicar of Dibley: The Arrival (#1.1)" (1994)
[post credits]
Geraldine: So there's this nun, right?
Alice Tinker: Uh.
Geraldine: And she's having a bath. And a knock comes on the door.
Alice Tinker: Oh dear.
Geraldine: Yeah, and she says, "Who is it?" and the reply comes, "It's the blind man. Can I come in?" She thinks for a minute and she says, "Yes, all right then, come in." So this chap comes in and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to hang the blind?"
Alice Tinker: [long pause] Oh! He's not...
Geraldine: No.


"The Vicar of Dibley: Love and Marriage (#2.4)" (1998)
Alice Tinker: [about her wedding] It's all going to be so perfect.
Geraldine Granger: Yes, although I have been having second thoughts about you wearing this dress.
Alice Tinker: Really? You think I should go nude?
Geraldine Granger: No.
Alice Tinker: It's a thought.
Geraldine Granger: No, no , no. I just think it should be simpler, that's all.
Alice Tinker: Oh, you mean like, like lots of hearts or something.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, could be, yeah.
Alice Tinker: With a different Doctor Who in each one.
Geraldine Granger: No!