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Quotes for
Capt. George Mainwaring (Character)
from "Dad's Army" (1968)

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Dad's Army (1971)
[Jones' "Anti Dive Bomber Gun" has set a barn alight]
Cpt. George Mainwaring: One thing, Jones. I don't think you should have added the bicarbonate of soda.

[three Luftwaffe airmen are holding several people hostage in the Church Hall, when the platoon enter disguised as a choir, singing "All Things Bright and Beautiful"]
Cpt. George Mainwaring: Frazer, get behind him.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: And I will get his gun.
L. Cpl. Jack Jones: And I will take my bayonet, and stick it up his...
Nazi pilot: Halt!
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: [leaning close to Mainwaring] I think they've rumbled us.

[Mainwaring has pulled out his revolver]
Nazi pilot: If you don't put that gun down, I will shoot you!
Cpt. George Mainwaring: And if you don't put that gun down, I will shoot you!
Nazi pilot: I give you one last warning!
Cpt. George Mainwaring: And I give you one last warning!
Nazi pilot: One!
Cpt. George Mainwaring: One!
Nazi pilot: Two!
Cpt. George Mainwaring: Two!
Nazi pilot: Three!
Cpt. George Mainwaring: Three! If you shoot me, there are seven men to take my place!

Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Did you know that German's gun was empty, sir?
Cpt. George Mainwaring: As a matter of fact, Wilson, so was mine!

Cpt. George Mainwaring: We have an invaluable weapon in our army, ingenuity and improvisation.
Pvt. James Frazer: That's two.

Cpt. George Mainwaring: What's that supposed to be?
Pvt. Frank Pike: You said if we hadn't got anything else, tie a carving knife to a broomstick.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: I didn't mean that you were to leave the broom at the end of the handle you stupid boy.

Maj. Gen. Fullard: Damn bank clerk.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: I happen to be the manager!
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well of course you are sir.

Cpt. George Mainwaring: I could have sworn that they would never break through the Maginot line.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Quite right sir, they didn't.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: I thought now. I'm a pretty good judge of these matters you know Wilson.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: They went round the side.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: I see... they what!
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: They went round the side.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: That's a typical shabby Nazi trick, you see the sort of people we're up against Wilson.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Most unreliable sir.

Cpt. George Mainwaring: Just a minute Wilson. I intend to mould those men out there into an aggressive fighting force and I'm not going to get very far if you keep inviting them to "step this way" in that nancy voice.

Cpt. George Mainwaring: Wilson, find something for Jones to do will you.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Yes, alright sir, just leave it to me. Jones, would you mind please just going outside and lining the men up and just doing things with them.

Cpt. George Mainwaring: He's got a gun.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Yes I know, I can see that sir, yes.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: Well, I'm the officer.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well of course you are sir, yes.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: I should have that.

Cpt. George Mainwaring: Why does he call you uncle?
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well you see, I've known his mother for a number of years, she's a widow and she has my ration book and I go round to her house sometimes for meals... and that sort of thing.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: What sort of thing?
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well... um... sort of... other...

Cpt. George Mainwaring: Half the platoon will be in the Novelty Rock Emporium and from Stone's Amusement Arcade we shall be strongly supported by the rest of the platoon, on bicycles.

Cpt. George Mainwaring: If anyone approaches you shout 'halt, who goes there' and take down their credentials.

Cpt. George Mainwaring: Well men, I've got some good news for you.
Pvt. James Frazer: Oh, you mean our rifles have come.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: No, but the ammunition has.

A.R.P. Warden Hodges: Who do you think you are?
Cpt. George Mainwaring: We're the Local Defense Volunteers, and I'm their appointed commander, Captain Mainwaring, and I must ask you to keep your hands off my privates!

[Mainwaring and Wilson have just left Godfrey watching the Channel]
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: It's a beautiful sunset, sir.
Cpt. George Mainwaring: It's a beautiful land, Wilson. They're not going to get it, you know. We shall fight them until we have just one round each, and we'll use that on ourselves!
[pause]
Cpt. George Mainwaring: By the way, how much ammunition have we got?
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: [trying not to laugh] One round each, sir!

Cpt. George Mainwaring: [when the improvised weapon made of bathtub fell into the water with Walker inside and begun to sink] Quick Walker - put the plug in!


Dad's Army (2016)
George Mainwaring: Men, I am a man of few words but, there comes a time in a soldier's life, when one must confront...
Frazer: For God's sake, man! We're in enough trouble without you making a speech!

Reverend Timothy Farthing: The morris dancers have booked the hall for one o'clock. I do hope you're not going to run over.
George Mainwaring: There is a war on you know, Vicar. If we're not finished, they'll just have to prance about outside.

George Mainwaring: The boys have been dragging their feet, lately.
Arthur Wilson: Yes, they have been a bit lax.
George Mainwaring: There's no need for Latin, Wilson. If the king's English is good enough for him, it's good enough for you. You're not at Cambridge now, you know.
Arthur Wilson: Oxford actually.

[last lines]
George Mainwaring: Touch and go, old friend. But we got there in the end.
Arthur Wilson: Friend, sir?
George Mainwaring: Eyes front, shoulders back. You're a sergeant of the home guard, not a sack of potatoes.
Arthur Wilson: Thank you, sir. You really are most awfully kind.

Arthur Wilson: I do believe I won the exercise, sir.
George Mainwaring: You did nothing of the sort, not dressed like that. You're Disqualified!
Arthur Wilson: I thought I was being resourceful
George Mainwaring: You were being devious and underhand. It's no way for a spy to behave!


"Dad's Army: Gorilla Warfare (#7.3)" (1974)
Pte. James Frazer: Captain Mainwaring. Did you ever hear the story of the old, empty barn.
Capt. George Mainwaring: No.
Pte. James Frazer: Would you like to hear the story of the old, empty barn?
Capt. George Mainwaring: Um. Yes, yes, ehh yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep. Pay attention everybody. Private Frazer is going to tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on Frazer.
Pte. James Frazer: Right. The story of the old empty barn. Well. There was nothing in it.

Capt. George Mainwaring: You know, Wilson, over the years, I've come to know the members of this platoon. I've grown quite fond of them. But I can't help feel that sometimes I'm in charge of a bunch of idiots.

Capt. George Mainwaring: [to Godfrey] You can't move swiftly across country loaded down with that.
Pte. James Frazer: He couldnae move swiftly across country stark naked!

Capt. George Mainwaring: [on Pike] What did that boy want?
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well you see, sir, he wants me to... tell him a story.
Capt. George Mainwaring: I can't help feeling that boy is slightly retarded.


"Dad's Army: The Man and the Hour (#1.1)" (1968)
[during the platoon's first parade]
Mainwaring: Where did you get that gun?
Godfrey: Eh?
Mainwaring: The gun. Where did you get it?
Godfrey: Well it belongs to my friend, actually.
Mainwaring: I see.
[Mainwaring takes Wilson aside]
Mainwaring: He's got a friend... A gun.
Wilson: Yes, I see that, sir.
Mainwaring: Well. I am the officer. You're the sergeant. We ought to have that.
Wilson: Yes, I quite agree with you, sir.
Mainwaring: Go ask him for it, will you.
Wilson: Don't you think it would have more authority coming from you, sir?
Mainwaring: No.
Wilson: Right.
[diffidently, to Godfrey]
Wilson: Scuse me. Mr Mainwaring would rather like to have your rifle.
Godfrey: *Who* would like to have it?
Wilson: Captain Mainwaring.
Godfrey: Well he can't have it.
Mainwaring: Now look here, Godfrey. Hand over that gun at once.
Godfrey: I don't see why I should.
Mainwaring: Are you refusing to obey an order on active service? You realise that we could have you shot for this?
Walker: That'll be a bit tricky since he's the only one with a gun.
Everyone: [laughs]

[during the platoon's first parade]
Bracewell: [to Mainwaring] Do you think you're going to be long?
Mainwaring: That rather depends on Jerry, doesn't it?

[during the platoon's first parade]
Mainwaring: Where did you get that gun?
Godfrey: Eh?
Mainwaring: The gun. Where did you get it?
Godfrey: Well it belongs to my friend, actually.
Mainwaring: I see.
[Mainwaring takes Wilson aside]
Mainwaring: He's got a f riend... A gun.
Wilson: Yes, I see that, sir.
Mainwaring: Well. I am the officer. You're the sergeant. We ought to have that.
Wilson: Yes, I quite agree with you, sir.
Mainwaring: Go ask him for it, will you.
Wilson: Don't you think it would have more authority coming from you, sir?
Mainwaring: No.
Wilson: Right.
[diffidently, to Godfrey]
Wilson: Scuse me. Mr Mainwaring would rather like to have your rifle.
Godfrey: *Who* would like to have it?
Wilson: Captain Mainwaring.
Godfrey: Well he can't have it.
Mainwaring: Now look here, Godfrey. Hand over that gun at once.
Godfrey: I don't see why I should.
Mainwaring: Are you refusing to obey an order on active service? You realise that we could have you shot for this?
Walker: That'll be a bit tricky since he's the only one with a gun.
Everyone: [laughs]


"Dad's Army: Menace from the Deep (#3.10)" (1969)
[Having bundled a drunken Warden Hodges into a hammock]
Wilson: What a nasty little scene, sir.
Mainwaring: Well what do you expect from a tradesman?

Walker: Godfrey was asleep on duty so I shot him.
Mainwaring: [Mainwaring isn't listening] Good.

Mainwaring: Ah, I say, a hammock here. Good, I'm taking that.
Wilson: Oh no, now really, sir.
Mainwaring: What's the matter?
Wilson: Well I really must protest, sir. I mean, just because you're an officer, you don't have to take the hammock. You don't even say "May I take the hammock?" or even "Do you mind if I take the hammock?". You just strut over there, put your hand on it and say: "I'm taking that." I mean, it's just the sort of behaviour I *cannot* stand!
Mainwaring: Oh, I'm very sorry, Wilson. Perhaps it was a little unthinking of me. A little undemocratic. But you know I'm the last person in the world to take advantage of my position.
Wilson: [sarcastically] Oh really, sir?
Mainwaring: We shall take it in turns, of course.
Wilson: Thank you.
Mainwaring: But I shall use it first.


"Dad's Army: Something Nasty in the Vault (#3.5)" (1969)
the A.R.P. Warden Hodges: Is that a bomb you're holding?
Capt. George Mainwaring: If anyone asks me that question again, Wilson, I shall go mad.

Capt. George Mainwaring: Are you frightened, Wilson?
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Now that you've brought it up, yes I am a bit.
Capt. George Mainwaring: So am I.

Capt. George Mainwaring: I'm reminded of the tale of the Australian soldier. He arrived at the front, and was greeted by a British Officer who said: "Ah, my man, have you come to die?" and he said "No sir. I came yester-die."


"Dad's Army: Branded (#3.11)" (1969)
[Godfrey is explaining his decision to resign from the Home Guard]
Pte. Charles Godfrey: I went into the larder to get the milk, then I saw something that made me realise that I just couldn't carry on.
Capt. George Mainwaring: What on earth was it?
Pte. Charles Godfrey: A mouse.
Capt. George Mainwaring: A mouse?
Pte. Charles Godfrey: Yes, you see in the larder was a great big, empty pudding basin - a mouse had fallen inside, and it was running round and round trying to get out. I know I ought to kill it because we're overrun with mice, so I got hold of it, and as I held it in my hand, I could feel it's little heart beating under it's fur - and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
Capt. George Mainwaring: So, what did you do?
Pte. Charles Godfrey: I took it into the garden and let it go.
Capt. George Mainwaring: Look, Godfrey, I still don't see what this has got to do with you wanting to leave the platoon?
Pte. Charles Godfrey: Don't you understand, sir? If I couldn't bring myself to kill that mouse, how could I ever kill a German?

Capt. George Mainwaring: [the platoon have found out about Godfrey's Military Medal] There's still one thing I can't understand, Godfrey.
Pte. Charles Godfrey: What's that, sir?
Capt. George Mainwaring: Why didn't you wear your medals?
Pte. Charles Godfrey: Somehow I thought they looked rather ostentatious, sir
Capt. George Mainwaring: Ostentatious... but good Lord, man - If I'd have won the Military Medal, I'd have worn it proudly on my chest for the world to see.
Pte. Charles Godfrey: Yes, sir, and that would have been all right - because somehow you look like a hero.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: It just goes to show, sir, you can never judge by appearances.
[Mainwaring glares at Wilson]


"Dad's Army: The Deadly Attachment (#6.1)" (1973)
U-Boat Captain: I am making notes, Captain, and when we win the war, you will be brought to account
Mainwaring: You can write what you like. You're not going to win this war.
U-Boat Captain: Oh, yes we are!
Mainwaring: Oh no you're not!
U-Boat Captain: Oh yes we are!
Pike: [sings] Whistle while you work / Hitler is a twerp / He's half barmy, so's his army / Whistle while you work.
U-Boat Captain: [pointing at Pike] Your name will also go on zee list. What is it?
Mainwaring: Don't tell him, Pike!
U-Boat Captain: Pike.

Mainwaring: I'm going to talk to them!
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: You can't speak German!
Mainwaring: They'll know from the natural authority in my voice that I'm in charge.
[pause]
Mainwaring: You'd better come with me.


"Dad's Army: Time on My Hands (#5.13)" (1972)
Jones: [speaking to the German hanging from the clock tower] Now my captain's going to ponder with you now listen.
Mainwaring: Further resistance is useless. In the name of the King I demand that you surrender.


"Dad's Army: The Honourable Man (#6.5)" (1973)
Mainwaring: I've been waiting years to get into that golf club.
Wilson: I believe they're awfully particular.


"Dad's Army: The Day the Balloon Went Up (#3.8)" (1969)
Mainwaring: [pointing at rude word written on the back of church organs] Do you see this word, corporal?
Jones: Yes, sir.
Mainwaring: Have you done that?
Jones: You mean recently sir?
Mainwaring: No! I mean did you wrote this?


"Dad's Army: All Is Safely Gathered In (#5.8)" (1972)
LCpl. Jack Jones: It's like this, sir. Just before the beginning of the commencement of the Boer War, it all started. Mr Godfrey here, he was a dandy young buck of some twenty summers.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: I'm terribly sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Capt. George Mainwaring: Dandy, dandy.
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: [relieved] Oh! Dandy; I'm so sorry.


"Dad's Army: When Did You Last See Your Money? (#5.9)" (1972)
Capt. George Mainwaring: In the name of the king, I demand to examine your chicken.
Mr. Blewitt: What's the king got to do with it?
Capt. George Mainwaring: For the defence of the realm.


"Dad's Army: No Spring for Frazer (#3.13)" (1969)
Frazer: I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks.
Mainwaring: That is not the right attitude to adopt Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun.
Frazer: I think it's a privilege us ever getting a look in with you and the Sergeant using it all the time.
Mainwaring: That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer.
Frazer: What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop.
Mainwaring: Your workshop?
Frazer: Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned.
Mainwaring: Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without it's butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in from the sky you could do nothing with that but hit him with it.
Jones: Permission to speak sir. If Frazer hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.


"Dad's Army: Round and Round Went the Great Big Wheel (#5.12)" (1972)
Mainwaring: Oh you'd stick up for him of course wouldn't you? You both went to public school didn't you?
Wilson: You know sir, I can't help feeling that you've got a bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.
Mainwaring: There's no chip on my shoulder. I'll tell you what is though. Three pips - and don't you forget it.


"Dad's Army: A Soldier's Farewell (#5.3)" (1972)
Mainwaring: [dreaming he's Napoleon overlooking the battlefield at Waterloo after a cinema trip and a toasted cheese supper] I can't see through all this smoke.
Pvt. Sponge: Well, it's your own fault. I told you we should have sat down the front in the ninepennies.


"Dad's Army: We Know Our Onions (#6.4)" (1973)
Capt. George Mainwaring: [when Jones volunteered to be thrown over the fence] That's the spirit! I like to see some guts!
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: And you probably will...


"Dad's Army: The Captain's Car (#7.5)" (1974)
Wilson: Sir? What would you do with a Rolls Royce?
Mainwaring: Well, I'd use it as my staff car.
Wilson: Well, a shiny and bright Rolls Royce like that. Wouldn't it look a bit untidy?
Mainwaring: How do you mean untidy?
Wilson: Well... Um... Well I suppose we could always sit you on a cushion.


"The Morecambe & Wise Show: 1977 Christmas Show" (1977)
Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Do you think that's Wise, Sir?
Capt. George Mainwaring: No, that's Morecambe.


"Dad's Army: Keep Young and Beautiful (#5.2)" (1972)
Mainwaring: I think we're going to have to split this platoon into two halves, you know. One half for those who are fit and strong, and the other half for those who are not up to battle standards.
Wilson: Yes, well, I tried that once, sir. It looked rather untidy.
Mainwaring: How d'you mean, "untidy"?
Wilson: Well, there were two in one half, and twenty-one in the other.


"Dad's Army: Never Too Old (#9.6)" (1977)
Jones, Capt. George Mainwaring, Sgt. Arthur Wilson, Pte. James Frazer, Pte. Charles Godfrey, Pte. Frank Pike: To Britain's Home Guard!


"Dad's Army: Boots, Boots, Boots (#4.3)" (1970)
Capt. George Mainwaring: [to Wilson] You show me yours, I'll show you mine.


"Dad's Army: The Enemy Within the Gates (#1.4)" (1968)
Mainwaring: It's quite simple really. You'll be able to tell that it's a German if he goes around giving you stupid orders.
Frazer: Then how are we supposed to tell the difference.


"Dad's Army: Battle School (#3.2)" (1969)
LCpl. Jack Jones: I just wanted to tell you I still have faith in you, sir.
Capt. George Mainwaring: Thank you, Corporal.
LCpl. Jack Jones: Even if nobody else does.


"Dad's Army: Don't Fence Me In (#4.5)" (1970)
Mainwaring: [the platoon is trying to communicate with an Italian P.O.W] Does anyone speak Italian?
Godfrey: I speak a little, sir.
Godfrey: [to the Italian POW] Vostro piccolo mano e ghiacciato. Permesso e caldo ancora a vita.
[the P.O.W. looks shocked]
Mainwaring: What did you say to him, Godfrey?
Godfrey: Your tiny hands are frozen.
Mainwaring: What on earth did you say that for?
Godfrey: It's the only Italian I know, sir - you see, I'm a very keen opera fan.