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: What time did you come in last night, like? It must have been late, because I was in bed at midnight, you weren't there. Neville
: It's just as well, isn't it? Otherwise the lads might talk.
: And another thing, let's have all those pornographic pin-ups off your locker, right? Oz
: That's not pornography, man, Dennis. That's art. Dennis
: What, Fräulein Oktober's art? Oz
: I've seen blokes like you come and go all the times I've worked in Germany. Never been out the UK before. Never eaten foreign food, never drank foreign beer. Fish out of water without the wife or the mother to lend a guiding hand. After a week they've lost their passports, they've got pissed, lost most of their money, and become ridiculously nationalistic for the country that can't even bloody employ them in the first place!
: When those German scaffolders turn up tonight, let's all make sure that we have a good night. Agreed? You especially, Oz. Oz
: Oh, absolutely. Dennis
: And this darts match, right, it's not the World Cup, or a replay of World War II. It's just meant to cement the harmony and the goodwill amongst the British and the Erics. Agreed?
[murmurs of assent
: Good. Oz
: Mind you, it might only be a darts match, but us British have still got to try and hammer these Germans. Wayne
: What for? Oz
: 'Cos they're the bastards that bombed me granny.
: I'm growing a beard. Dennis
: Aye, very good, Barry. I'll inform the press.
: Remember, there's only me and you insured to drive this, right? So, no matter how legless we get, nobody lets Oz get behind the wheel.
: You know the difference between a hedgehog and a Range Rover, divvn't you? Dennis
: No. Oz
: A hedgehog's got pricks on the outside.
[on the telephone
: Barry? Where are you? Barry
: I've no idea, mate. It's taken me bloody half an hour to find a phone box that hasn't been vandalised. Dennis
: Oh, you're in Newcastle?
: The votes as cast are as follows: The winner is... Yellow. Dennis Patterson
: Yellow! Barry Taylor
: By one point. Dennis Patterson
: Who voted yellow? Wayne Norris
: I don't like yellow. Bomber Busbridge
: My neither, it's not a man's colour. Albert Moxey
: It's a fiddle. Bomber Busbridge
: I demands a recount. Barry Taylor
: Figures don't lie y'now. Wayne Norris
: So who's first choice was it then eh? Barry Taylor
: Nobody's. Bomber Busbridge
: Well then how could it win? Barry Taylor
: Because no two people had the same first choice. Dennis Patterson
: So everybody's first choice only got two points. Barry Taylor
: That's right, and yellow got three second places. Dennis Patterson
: Well that's a smashing system that is, isn't it Barry eh? Everybody gets what nobody wants. Barry Taylor
: That's democracy Dennis.
[referring to East Berlin
: Apparently it's the most miserable, depressing place you've ever seen in your life. Neville
: What, worse than here?
: Just got up an hour ago. Slept like a log. Dennis
: Woke up in the fireplace, eh?
[Oz is talking to the doctor about AIDS
: Well, I understand how a man can give it to a woman, in the obvious way, I understand how a bloke could give it to another bloke in... well we're all men o' the world aren't we; not that I'd be up to anything like that mind! It's just that, well, I don't class meself as particularly thick in this repect... Dennis
: Huh! Oz
: Argh, thank you... I mean, I can't understand how a woman can give it to a man, cos it's, well, its one way traffic when you get in there, isn't it!
: Pelicans, penguins and the Inland Revenue have all got one thing in common. Dennis
: What's that? Oz
: They can all shove their bills up their arse.