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: And you are?... Third private secretary? Who does one have to be to get through to two and one?
[Richard is shaving
: Breakfast's on the table, Richard! Richard
: Early retirement. Hyacinth
] Dee la dah la dee. Wear your best suit, dear. It is your last day. I want you to look particularly smart. After all, it's not everyone who gets offered early retirement. La dee, la dee. Swagger a bit. Put a bit of swank on. I'm the last person to put myself forward, as you know, but I do think it won't hurt the neighbours to see who's lucky enough to get early retirement round here. La dee.
: Ah, yes! I thought I heard the milkman. The Milkman
: How? I'd like to know how you heard the milkman. You must have radar. Hyacinth
: No thank you, my usual two pints and the occasional yoghurt will be fine.
: [about Mr. Henderson, the frozen food magnate
] They say he's a millionaire, and all from dead chickens. Of course, I'm not one to be impressed merely by money, but I just happen to know that he's looking for someone to work with him in a senior capacity, and of course my Richard would be ideally qualified. Elizabeth
: For dead chickens? I can't see Richard being very happy with dead chickens. Hyacinth
: Oh no, dear, I don't think he'd actually be handling them. No, Richard would wear a suit and do something executive. Elizabeth
: *Can* one do anything executive with dead chickens? Hyacinth
: Well, he's done it with the Council all these years.
: I'm surprised you want my opinion, Hyacinth, about anything. I seem to go to pieces on these premises. Hyacinth
: Do you, dear? That's nice. Elizabeth
: You never listen anyway. Hyacinth
: Have you? How interesting. Now look, I was wondering if I should press Mrs Henderson to take a little sherry with her light refreshments, or shall I stick to tea? Elizabeth
: And you really value my opinion? Hyacinth
: Certainly I do. Elizabeth
[makes several false starts, then decides
: I think tea. Hyacinth
: No, you're wrong there, dear. I think sherry.
: [Seeing Emmet running down the street
] Your brother's very fit, for his age! Elizabeth
: Missed him, did you? Oh, he will be sorry.
: Of course, I shan't let you have a beaker when you come back later for our more formal afternoon tea. Elizabeth
: Later? Hyacinth
: When you've tidied up, Dear. Elizabeth
: Tidied up? I've almost finished my housework! Hyacinth
: No, no, no. I don't mean the housework. I mean your hair. Elizabeth
: [Checks her hair to see if it's messed up
] It's same as always! Hyacinth
: I thought you'd agree, Dear.
: What's wrong with my hair? Hyacinth
: Oh, there's nothing wrong, Dear. No, it just needs a little something. Elizabeth
: Like what?
[leans forward and accidentally spills her coffee
: Well, not THAT, Dear.
: Well, be more careful in future, Richard. Locking me out like that... Richard
: I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Hyacinth
: I will not have you "not thinking" in front of the neighbors, Richard! Richard
: I'm just a little confused, this morning. Hyacinth
: Well, it seems so, Dear! Richard
: But I'm all right, now. Hyacinth
: Are you sure? Richard
: Absolutely fine.
[Gets in the car and starts it, then just sits there, staring blankly off into space
: [Waits, then when it's clear he's not going to move, goes and taps on the glass
] Richard? Richard
: [opens the door
] Hello, Dear! What kind of day did you have? Hyacinth
: [Pulls him out of the car
] Richard, I think you ought to walk to work today. Richard
: Oh, yes. I will. I'll walk this morning.
[starts walking down the road in the wrong direction
[Richard turns and walks the other way
: [after Hyacinth complains about not knowing which cows her milk comes from
] All the milk's been thoroughly tested, Mrs. Bouquet. Hyacinth
: I should hope so! Just remember that at least two pints of it are destined for some very high-quality china!
: [as Hyacinth is cleaning up the spilled coffee and biscuits
] Is there anything I can do? Hyacinth
: No, of course not, dear... unless you'd like to wash the rug.
: I'm still waiting on an answer to my query. The Milkman
: What query is that, Mrs. Bucket...
[Hyacinth glowers at him
] The Milkman
: [On the phone
] Ah, finally! It's worse than trying to get through to British Rail Inquiries! Well, my business is confidential, so I wish to be put through to someone important. That is to say, not a minor functionary. I will NOT be fobbed off with a minor functionary!
: [When Roger and his dog show up in her driveway
] What are you doing? Roger
: It's all right, I've called for Rose. Hyacinth
: Rose? Roger
: Tell her it's Roger. Hyacinth
: Rose isn't here. Please take that thing out of my driveway. Roger
: "Thing"? I'll have you know this is a pedigree thing! Hyacinth
: Will you kindly remove it? This is a private driveway, and I'm expecting company at any minute! Roger
: [to the dog
] Oh, come on, Olive. We'll come back when Rose's mother's gone away!
: [When Hyacinth comes to the door she is wearing a nice dress
] Hyacinth, I'm glad you've called. Now, you wanted me to be smart. Well, does this meet with your approval? Hyacinth
: Yes, it looks fine, Dear. Will you give me a hand? Some fool's left half a camel or something on my driveway. I will not have it on my driveway when Mrs. Henderson arrives! Elizabeth
: You want me to help move it dressed like this? Hyacinth
: I don't think it'll care how you're dressed, dear.
[They walk out to the Driveway and she gestures to the Newfoundland placidly sitting there
: You see? Half a camel! Elizabeth
: And a major half! Hyacinth
: If we could just get it into the street... Elizabeth
: CAN we just park it in the street? Hyacinth
: Well, I've no money for a meter. Elizabeth
: How are we going to manage this? Hyacinth
: Well, I think the best thing is if you push, and I'll steer. Now just let me get a good grip.
[She grabs the leash and Elizabeth goes around to push from behind
: Now pay attention, dog! Off we go, then!
[She tugs and Elizabeth pushes, with no success
: Try pushing, dear! Elizabeth
: I'm trying, Hyacinth! It seems to be an awful lot of dog!
: I will not have you not thinking in front of the neighbours, Richard!
: I wish you wouldn't raise your arms like that, Richard. Not when you're overheated. It's very common out of doors. Richard Bucket
: It's warm work, Hyacinth. Hyacinth
: If you have to perspire, I wish you'd go into the back garden, so as not to disturb the people who respect us socially.
: [on the phone
] Rose, you will not commit suicide, I forbid it. No one in this family has ever committed suicide, and I'm sure we're not going to start on the day I'm having the new vicar for tea and light refreshments.
: Richard! I will not have you waving in dirty gardening gloves. Richard Bucket
: They get dirty when you're gardening, Hyacinth. Hyacinth
: Can't you keep one pair for gardening and one pair for waving?
: [on the phone
] Rose, I know I asked the question, but I'm not standing here surrounded by expensive wallpaper to be given details like that.
: This suit? Hyacinth
: Good grief, Richard, why do you always ask me? I don't determine what people wear. Richard Bucket
: Do I take it that's a yes? Hyacinth
: Can't you find a more religious tie?
: Tell me what's wrong with Daddy. Daisy
: He's missing. Hyacinth
: Missing? Of course he's not missing. I suspect he's just mislaid.
: [on the telephone
] Hello, is that the Wholesome Bakery? Now tell me, and I shall know if you're lying, are your fresh cream cakes really fresh? No need to take that attitude; this is a serious customer inquiry. My name is Bouquet, B-U-C-K-E-T. No, it's not Bucket, it's Bouquet. I wish to place a large order, a very important order. I have the new vicar calling this afternoon for tea and light refreshments, so how soon can you deliver? Yes, I know it's Saturday, and I'm very happy that you're busy. I can understand that you don't deliver just anywhere, but as I say I do have the new vicar coming for tea and light refreshments, and I want six fresh cream cakes. That is a large order. Hello? Hello?
[clicks the cradle several times
: Hoi polloi.
: What a disaster to my tea and light refreshments. Onslow
: I could murder some light refreshments. Hyacinth
: If it wasn't for Sheridan's good news, I don't know what this day would have been. Richard
: Good news from Sheridan? Hyacinth
: He's moved in with a very suitable friend. They're making their own curtains. Apparently his friend's very good with a needle. He has prizes for embroidery. Well, you'd better come in and have some tea and light refreshments.
[starts off then turns back
: Onslow, before you come in, just shift this wreck next door, will you, dear? Onslow
: [to Richard
] Prizes for embroidery? Richard
: Let's move the car, shall we, Onslow?
: *Do* sit down, Elizabeth. No, not there, dear, I like to face the window.
: How is your father? Hyacinth
: Oh, tragic! A brilliant IQ struggling with senility. Course, we ought to have him here, but he drops food everywhere.
: [on the phone
] No, you cannot have three of 22 and a portion of 19 with chips. This is not the Chinese take-away. This is a private slimline pearl white telephone with no oriental associations whatsoever!
: I'd better answer that. It's probably somebody very important.
: [on the phone, to Rose
] Rose, I hope you're wearing something sensible for this telephone call. Yes, it always makes me very nervous to think I might be talking to a miniskirt. Hyacinth
: Yes, I know you still have good legs, dear. I just wish you didn't wave them about so much.
: [on the telephone
] Oh, yes, yes, yes.
[dusts the receiver
: I do so agree, oh yes. Mmm. Oh! every time. You're quite right. Hmm. Your husband wants to do what? Ring the police! Oh, you're going away on holiday! For how long? A month. Lovely. Caribbean! Oh my word, how nice. Well, mind you don't over-indulge on the mangoes, and of course it's full of tourists, you know.
: Anyway, happy hols. Bye-bye.
: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's snobbery and one-upmanship. People who try to pretend they're superior. Makes it so much harder for those of us who really are.
: You know what men are like. Richard still can't decide. Elizabeth
: Oh! I thought somebody else made up his mind for him.
[Rose has fallen from a ladder into the vicar's arms
] The Vicar's Wife
: Michael! Oh, really! Hyacinth
: May I show you my holiday brochures?
: [answering the phone
] The Brochure Residence... er
: ... the Bouquet Residence, the lady of the house speaking.
: I wish you wouldn't start polishing all the cutlery. Hyacinth
: Very last year, the Caribbean, anyway. The Waitress
: Two coffees.
[notices Hyacinth polishing her fork
] The Waitress
: Are you having a meal? Hyacinth
: I don't think so, thank you. The Waitress
: Need a fork for your coffee, do you? Hyacinth
: That's the last time I come here. Richard
: Probably the last time they let us in.
: [Trying to strategically position the brochures
] Would you notice them? Richard
: Oh, don't ask me. You know me - I didn't even notice when your father was on fire! Hyacinth
: Poor Daddy, I do wish he'd give up smoking...
: [Comes out to the car
[looks in the car. Calls back through the front door
: I appear to have lost Richard.
: I like your Daisy. She's a very generous, warm soul. Hyacinth
: I like my Daisy. I'm just not particularly fond of her cracked mugs.
: [opening the door just as the postman is about to slip a letter through
] Aaaaah! What have you got? The Postman
: Heart failure.
[hands her the letter
: Well, this can't be it. This is a bill; this isn't it. It *should* be on stiff white card from the Lord Chamberlain's Office. The Postman
: What should? Hyacinth
: Our invitation. To the Royal Garden Party. My husband has recently retired after a lifetime of devoted service to the community. Now, that means an invitation to the Royal Garden Party; bound to. The Postman
: Oh, bound to. Hyacinth
: Mr. Hislop at number 43 went to the Royal Garden Party last year, and he only drives a C registration.
[the postman starts off
: Are you sure there's nothing else in your bag? The Postman
: Not for this address, Mrs. Bu... Bouquet. Hyacinth
: Well, that's very strange. It must be lying about somewhere, lost in the depths of your sorting office. The Postman
: Your husband retired, has he? Hyacinth
: Mm-hmm. The Postman
: Wow! If anybody deserves a garden party! Hyacinth
: [looking for iron age remains and spotting a lump
] It could be a Neanderthal barrow, Dear. It says in the guide book they had barrows. I expect they wheeled rocks about and things.
: Mind the pothole in the road! Richard
: Minding the pot'ole.
: Do sit down, Elizabeth. Elizabeth
: Which chair, Hyacinth? Hyacinth
: Mmh? Elizabeth
: I insist you point me to a chair. Hyacinth
] Good heavens, Elizabeth, sit where you like, dear.
[Elizabeth sits on the sofa
: Except there. I thought I might like to sit there.
: I wish Rose would settle down and find a husband. One of her own, I mean, not somebody else's.
: Mind the horse. Richard Bucket
: It's in the field.
: [Richard is up a tree
] Can you see anything now? Richard
: I daren't look! Hyacinth
: Come along, Richard! Use your eyes! Richard
: I daren't even open them! I don't like heights! Hyacinth
: [to herself
] It's at times like these I miss my Sheridan... Richard
: When did HE ever climb a tree? Hyacinth
: He would for his mummy, dear! Richard, you're not all that high, dear! Richard
: That's not the impression you get from up here!
: [as they are driving back home
] How could that hiker have the impertinence to think I was talking to a tree? He didn't believe you were up there at all! Why didn't you answer? Richard
: I must have been totally engrossed in looking for Iron Age remains.
: Elizabeth! Would you telephone the Emergency Services!
: Richard. Is there any sign of our new furniture yet, dear? Richard
: Not yet. Hyacinth
: Ohhh. Ohhh, Richard, I feel it's so appropriate, our owning a place like this. Richard
: All we own is a small apartment, and when I say small, I mean micro. Hyacinth
: We are part owners of a mansion; that's all anyone need know. It's so lower middle class to go into details. Richard
: The detail that concerns me is now that we've bought the place, how are we going to afford it? Hyacinth
: Such a good address, dear. You know these things aren't primary with me, but there are people who go quite dizzy rubbing shoulders with the county elite.
: [she and Richard are trapped, chest-to-chest, between two cabinets in a room far too small for them
] Are you going left or right? Richard
: At the moment I don't seem to be going anywhere at all! Hyacinth
: I don't like this level of intimacy, Richard. I don't think it's appropriate at our age. Would you please remove yourself from my person?
: [the first time she attempts to ride
] Now listen, horse. I am not a person to be trifled with.
: Why not just tell them that we can't ride? Hyacinth
: I don't know that I can't ride. I've never tried. There's every possibility that I might ride beautifully - the clothes fit.
: [after Emmet has gotten his head stuck in a hole in the wall
] Remain calm, Emmet! Emmet Hawksworth
] I AM CALM, HYACINTH! Hyacinth
: Shhhh! Emmet Hawksworth
: [whispered shriek
] Under the circumstances, I think I am being exceptionally calm!
: [Richard is having difficulty walking in his new riding boots
] Come along, Richard - keep up, dear. Richard
: I feel as if my legs are stuck in two drainpipes!
: [Hyacinth's horse won't budge despite repeated efforts on her part
] Perhaps you left the brake on, Hyacinth! Hyacinth
[Cracks up everyone else by actually looking for a brake
: In films, when they want to start a horse, they slap it on the rump. Richard
: Well, try it gently, dear. Remember, I'm not Roy Rogers!
: Now imagine it's the middle of the night. All right?
: Richard, why aren't you answering? Richard
: I'm imagining I'm asleep and can't hear you.
: [answering the telephone
] The Bouquet residence; the lady of the house speaking. Hyacinth
: Do I sound like a Chinese takeaway? Hyacinth
: I am a highly desirable private residence in an area of outstanding natural property values. And I'm waiting for your apology. Unless of course the thought of bean shoots and crispy wonton have totally stir-fried your basic humanity. And kindly clear this line. There are people of substance in this community who are probably queuing to ring me at this very moment. Hyacinth
: Your suggestion is noted, but I see little practical merit in having the telephone up my jumper.
: [holding up two dresses
] Which shall I wear, dear? Richard
: Oh, I wish you wouldn't give me that kind of responsibility. Hyacinth
: You know I value your opinion, Richard. Richard
: Since when? Hyacinth
: I'll wear this one. Richard
: Glad I sorted than out for you.
: Richard, how do I look, dear? Richard
: I keep seeing you as a kind of recurring motif running through my early retirement. Hyacinth
: That's nice, dear. And the hat? How's the hat? Richard
: Yes, that too.
: Rose! Have you been drinking? Rose
: I haven't been drinking. I took a pill. And it seems to have gone straight to me knees. Hyacinth
: I wish you could say the same about your skirt.
: [Drunkenly, as Hyacinth tries to restrain her
] I want to be a nun! Put me down; I want to be a nun! Hyacinth
: Richard, give me a hand! Richard
: Funny how you mishear things. I could have sworn she said she wanted to be a nun! Rose
: I do! I DO!
: [She and Richard are struggling, and failing, to keep a staggering Rose upright
] Try to stay on your feet! Rose
] Knees! If I'm going to be a nun, I should be on me knees! Richard
: It's ME who'll be on my knees! Rose
: Oh! Richard wants to be a nun, too!
: Where exactly are you going? Is it far? Elizabeth
: No, not far... Hyacinth
: That's very mysterious! Is it a very interesting "not far"?
: Judging by the length of the skirt, it must be Rose under that veil!
: More Christmas cards, eh? Are they genuine, or are they more of those you've written to yourself? Hyacinth
: I regard it as a service to those people who may have misplaced my address.
: [On the phone with Sheridan
] This will be the first Christmas without you, Dear. I don't know how Mummy will cope! Richard Bucket
: If he asks for more money, I don't know how Daddy will cope... Hyacinth
: Well, I knew that one day you'd grow up and leave us. Richard Bucket
: You call this leaving us?
: They are my family, and I love them dearly... especially at this time of year, when it gets dark early. I can cope when they're in the house. It's when they're arriving, and especially leaving. Onslow's rarely in a condition that I'd want the neighbors to see!
: [On the phone
] Am I through to the Thorgunby residence?
: Well, what a timid little voice! Now run along, Poppet, and tell your Mummy Mrs. Thorgunby that there's a nice lady wanting to speak with her.
: Oh, you ARE Mrs. Thorgunby.
: Yes, this is Hyacinth.
: Bouquet, dear.
: Richard's wife.
: Yes, Richard, your husband's deputy in the department of Finance and General Purposes.
: Yes, THAT Hyacinth. Oh, there's a funny noise on the line, Dear. Sounds like someone in pain.
[Strikes the phone receiver a few times
: That's better. Now, I'm just ringing to remind you - you promised to drop in with your husband over the Christmas period, to partake of mulled wine and hot mince pies. Come at any time that suits you, Mrs. Thorgunby. Goodbye!
: What a silly little voice!
: [spills her canister of collection coins all over the floor
] I'm so sorry, Hyacinth! Hyacinth
: Oh, and just as I've given my lacquered woodblock it's Christmas polish, Elizabeth!
: Mrs. Bucket - Bouquet, I'm sorry - your father's here! Hyacinth
: Daddy, here? the Vicar
: Yes. Hyacinth
: How kind of you, Vicar, to invite Daddy to receive a gift! the Vicar
: He wasn't actually invited, Mrs. Bucket - Bouquet. He just arrived, and rather unexpectedly. Hyacinth
: In what way unexpectedly? the Vicar
: Well, I wasn't actually in the hall at the time. I just heard the scream. Hyacinth
: [to the Thorgunbys
] Won't be a moment!
[Starts to lead the vicar away
: What scream? the Vicar
: Miss Winthrop, she's secretary of the Over-Seventies committee. Hyacinth
: Oh, I see. I expect Daddy was carried away by the festive season! the Vicar
: Well, he must have started celebrating long before he arrived here; he also seems to be wearing very little. Hyacinth
: Just like Daddy. I expect he's given everything to the poor. the Vicar
: Well, NEARLY everything!
: [When Rose grabs Emmet and kisses him under the Mistletoe
] Rose! Put Mr. Hawkesworth down at once! the Vicar
: [Comes outside
] What on earth is going on out here? Hyacinth
: Rose! There's the Vicar! Rose
: Thank you Hyacinth - Happy Christmas, Vicar!
[plants a kiss on him as well
: Onslow, please don't trap Daddy's tail in the door!
: I shall miss this house, over the years I've made it a centre of culture and taste.
: How fortunate you are, Richard, to have a wife of impeccable moral rectitude.
] The Milkman
: Morning, Mrs Bucket. Hyacinth
: It's Bouquet. The Milkman
: I never knew that. Hyacinth
: Trust me. The Milkman
: To me, people are usually just a name on a note. Hyacinth
: I will not have milkmen reducing me to a piece of paper.
[she picks up and examines the milk bottle
] The Milkman
: Is there something wrong, Mrs Bu... Bouquet? Hyacinth
: It seems all right, but in future I want you to be quite sure that I get my own bottles back. I know that *mine* have been properly washed, you see, and I can't be quite sure about other bottles, so please inform the people at the depot that I want my own bottles back. The Milkman
: But all the bottles are sterilized, Mrs Bu... Bouquet. The milk's pasteurized. Hyacinth
: It's a matter of complete indifference to me whether it's sterilized, pasteurized, immunized or privatized.
[calls after him
: Just inform your superiors that I want my own bottles back!
: Did you see that! Elizabeth
: Who is he? Hyacinth
: Um, it was Daddy. Uh, my father's a leading competitor in the over seventies bicycle race. I expect his number fell off in the excitement. Hyacinth
: Why is he wearing long johns and a steel helmet? Hyacinth
: Fancy dress. Charity. Brave Daddy, risking the elements at his age for charitable purposes. The old school, you know.
[starts for her front door
: Coming, Daddy. I must refresh him with orange juice before he tackles the next hundred laps. Yes, the old school; it's his kind of spirit that keeps one going when everything appears to be collapsing. Hyacinth
] There'll always be an England, and England shall be free. If England...
: Just think, if she keeps him, we could be sharing milk bottles! I will NOT share milk bottles with an illicit love nest! Richard
: It's really none of our business... Hyacinth
: Of COURSE it's my business, Elizabeth is my friend! I cannot stand idly by while she's sinking into moral turpitude!
: I still feel it's none of our business. Hyacinth
: The tone of this neighborhood has always been my business! It is not without enormous effort on my part that this district has one of the most sought-after postal codes!
: I've just been telling Emmet all about you. Emmet this is Richard. Richard, My brother Emmet. Emmet
: Hello, Richard! Elizabeth
: He'll be staying here for a while. Richard
: I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that! Emmet
] That I shall be staying here for a while? Richard
: No, that you're her brother! Emmet
: I'm sorry? Richard
: Well, Hyacinth was... Hyacinth
] Oh, do stop babbling, Richard!
: Emmet is a musician, he teaches music! A classically trained musician! Richard
] A classically trained musician... Hyacinth
: Don't you realize what that means? Richard
: Oh, about 25 pounds an hour, I should think.
: [First lines
] So Kind of you to come at short notice, Vicar! Michael the Vicar
: Not at all, Mrs. Buck...
[Catches himself about to say Bucket instead of Bouquet
] Michael the Vicar
: ... Buckfast Abbey is a place I've never been to, you know. Hyacinth Bucket
: Buckfast Abbey? Oh yes! Oh, we must visit. I'll organize a little outing. Michael the Vicar
] I can't... Hyacinth Bucket
: Can't? Michael the Vicar
] ... tell you what that would mean to me, Mrs. Bouquet. Hyacinth Bucket
: That's what friends are for, Vicar! Oh, incidentally, I'm sorry I had to ask you to remove your shoes. I usually only insist upon tradesmen doing that, but as you've probably noticed, we've just had our herringbone re-lacquered. Michael the Vicar
] I'm sorry? Hyacinth Bucket
: Oh, please don't be. Although it's very expensive process, it only needs to be done occasionally. Michael the Vicar
] Oh, the FLOOR! The woodblock. Hyacinth Bucket
: That's right. It has a tendency to lose its gloss. I often wonder whether Her Majesty has the same problem.
: Hello, dear. What did the doctor say? Richard Bucket
: It's Athlete's Foot. Hyacinth Bucket
: But it CAN'T be Athlete's Foot! Didn't you tell him you're a retired executive? If you've got anything, it's Executive's Foot!
: [Hyacinth, still refusing to accept the "Athlete's Foot" diagnosis, is wrapping his infected foot in bandages
] Do I... uh... do I really need that? Hyacinth Bucket
: You do if you've got gout. Richard Bucket
: Gout? But that's worse than a fungus infection! Hyacinth Bucket
: Not in my book! Your gout is an affliction acceptable in the very highest circles. It comes from an excess of good living. Gout is practically a pedigree.
] Hyacinth Bucket
: You have gout.
: [as Richard limps up the drive
] Try to look dignified, dear. Let suffering become you! Richard Bucket
: If suffering doesn't become me, I don't know WHO it becomes...
: [Still making Richard wear the gout bandages, which he took off to be able to drive but is finding it difficult all the same
] Mind the bicycle. Richard Bucket
] I DID mind the bicycle! I minded the bicycle by about a mile! Hyacinth Bucket
: Why are you getting bad-tempered? I hope gout isn't making you bad-tempered. Mind the lorry. Richard Bucket
: I'm perfectly aware of the lorry! Hyacinth Bucket
: It is! Gout's making you irritable. I help you rise above a common fungus infection, and this is the thanks I get... Richard Bucket
: You can drive with a fungus infection! You can't drive properly with a bare foot!
: [Observing Onslow's trashy house and yard
] And they say the third world's overseas...
: Get the ladder, Onslow!
[Shoves and drags him out the door
] Richard Bucket
: [Screams in pain as they pass by
] AAAAH! Hyacinth Bucket
: Ah, now THAT was convincing! Why couldn't you do it like that when Elizabeth and Emmett came to coffee? Richard Bucket
: This was for REAL! They trod on my foot! The GOOD one!
: What's wrong with Richard's foot? Rose
: I asked her that. Hyacinth Bucket
: Gout! Rose
: It's an affliction that comes from good living. Onslow
: I have a twinge meself, occasionally. Hyacinth Bucket
: I doubt it, Onslow. You've probably got a fungus infection.
: Please don't shout in that excitable manner outdoors, Richard. I don't like you getting excited outdoors.
: We're going to have to emulsion this ceiling. Richard
: We've just done it. Hyacinth
: It's not a fit ceiling to bring a major under.
[outside Daisy and Onslow's house
] Richard Bucket
: Would you like me to lock the car? Hyacinth
: I think so. Don't you? We're practically in Beirut.
: Daddy would never be naked. Why would Daddy be naked when he's got his name down for a nice old person's bungalow?
: [on the phone
] No, you cannot have a number 24, nor a double portion of 37. This isn't the Chinese take-away. This is a private slimline white telephone with no connection whatsoever to any business or trade - especially not one of foreign extraction.
: Is the Major coming? Hyacinth
: Yes, Richard, I do believe the Major will be coming. And it's a good job he is a major. If he was a sergeant, he wouldn't get a foot past the door.
: Do sit down, Elizabeth; make yourself at home. Oh, not there, dear, I like to face the window.
: Beautiful day, Elizabeth! Elizabeth
: Yes. Isn't it. Hyacinth
: Completely conducive to contemplating cosy charismatic country cottages!
: You don't like my hats! Richard
: Look, I di- I never said I didn't like your hats! Hyacinth
: Richard, is this the first chink in our marriage? I've heard about men in mid-life crisis. Now I'm warning you, Richard, I will not have you being unfaithful to my hats!
: [running away from sheep
: Executive entertaining, that's more like you, Hyacinth. We're not really country material. Hyacinth
: Oh, nonsense, dear! I shall develop a country version of my candlelight suppers. A sort of Ploughman's Soirée.
: [sits up in bed
] If the Thorncliffs can have a little place in the country, why can't we? Mmh?
[Richard wakes up
: I'm a country lover. You're a country lover. Richard
: Not at this time in the morning. Hyacinth
: I've always been a country lover. Richard
: Since when? Grass doesn't behave like fitted carpet. Hyacinth
: You know I love the country. We go on picnics. Richard
: Yeah. With everything but the Royal Doulton and the silver teapot. We take tables, chairs, rugs. Hyacinth
: I don't like the creepy-crawlies, though. But we'll find somewhere creepy-crawly-free. Oh, Richard, how exciting, our own little place in the country. Richard
: Well, if you want a financial opinion, it'll have to be very little.
: Richard, are you losing your nerve? Richard
: Yes, it's gone completely!
: [as she and Richard are driving along
] Watch out for other women. Richard
: Where? Where? Hyacinth
: Not here, dear. I mean in your midlife crisis. It's a time when men think of other women. Richard
: Not me, Hyacinth, I assure you. For me, one woman is enough!
: And you must remember some sea stories, Richard! Richard
: Why should I know any sea stories? Hyacinth
: Richard, you are British and the sea is in your blood!
: [very shrilly
] Vicar! You're heaven sent. The Vicar
: Oh my Go... ood morning, Mrs Buc... Bouquet.
[Emmet has broken Hyacinth's china
: Really, I'm terribly sorry, Hyacinth. Hyacinth
: Now, please think no more about it, Emmet. These accidents will happen... and always with my china. Emmet
: I-I'm not usually that clumsy. Hyacinth
: The only thing that matters is that you've not ruined your musician's hands... just my rug. Anyway, I'm sure the stain will come out... eventually.
: Mind the pedestrian. The Vicar
: Which pedestrian? Where? Hyacinth
: On the pavement. The Vicar
: Isn't that where he's supposed to be? Hyacinth
: Oh, too late now; he's gone. Lucky you missed him.
[the Commodore is pawing Hyacinth
] The Vicar
: Are you all right, Mrs Bouquet? The Commodore
: I'll say she is. Smashing bit of all right. I wouldn't mind being shipwrecked with you, my darling. The Vicar
: Do you want me to stop the car for you, Mrs Bouquet? The Commodore
: Can't do that; I'll miss my train, Vicar. Just think of it, the tropic nights, a huge moon. Hyacinth
: But I, I, I'm, I'm a marry, married woman. The Vicar
: Doesn't worry me, old girl. Now, give us a kiss. Hyacinth
: Ooh, lai...
: Aaheeee! Keep driving, Vicar. Keep driving.
: Take the low road. I shall relay the convolutions of the Commodore's confusions as we go along.
: I know I'm not encouraged to have an enquiring mind, but why are we going to wherever I'm taking you? Hyacinth
: Mm? Our destination is the Manor House function rooms in Morton Road. I have to see to the arrangements for today's Ladies' Luncheon Club; they rely on me so. Richard
: Does that mean you won't be at home for lunch? Hyacinth
: No, of course I won't be at home for lunch, dear. We have a special speaker today. You'll have to manage on your own for once.
[Richard starts to whistle
: You see, no traffic. I told you we'd do better on the country roads.
: You're in a very funny mood today, Richard Bouquet. I can hear you thinking again. Richard
: And it's not Bouquet, it's Bucket. It was always Bucket 'til I met you. Hyacinth
: Don't let's go through all that again.
: Riparian! Richard
: What! What, what! Hyacinth
: Riparian! That's the word I've been looking for, and I've found it in Sheridan's dictionary. Richard
: Oh God, I thought we had burglars. Hyacinth
: It means 'of the river bank'. Richard
: Oh, fascinating. Well, what do you want with a word like 'riparian', especially at this time of night? Hyacinth
: Because I have to issue invitations... to my waterside supper with riparian entertainments. Richard
: Oh, you, you mean a riverside picnic. Hyacinth
: No! I do *not* mean riverside picnic, Richard. I mean waterside supper with riparian entertainments.
: Now, where are the prawns?
: Where are the prawns? Emmet
: The prawns are here. The prawns are tying the furniture to the roof. Elizabeth
: Quiet, Emmet, she'll hear you. Emmet
: If she does it'll be for the first time. She *never* listens.
: It's my sister Violet. She's the one with the Mercedes, sauna and a musical bidet... Classical, of course.
: Ahoy there, Lock-keeper. I must warn you that we've sailed on the QE II. As an experienced mariner, I'm not prepared to wait down here indefinitely. There must be a quicker way to go. The lock-keeper
: You could try going over the weir. Hyacinth
: What do you think, Richard? Should we try going over the weir?
: Of course, I ought to visit Daddy. Richard Bucket
: Oh, really? Hyacinth
: It's my duty to visit Daddy. Richard Bucket
: I suppose it is. Hyacinth
: Have you ever known me shirk my duty? Richard Bucket
: Not a single shirk.
: Drive very slowly past number 23, I want her to see my hat.
: How was I to know that that was his Lordship? He looked like the gardener. He must be very low down on the aristocratic scale if he looks like a gardener. I think it's irresponsible. He's no right to look like a gardener.
: [from an upstairs window
] You've woken the dog! Richard Bucket
: Morning, Onslow. Hyacinth
: Don't say good morning to him when I've just been savaged by his dog. Onslow
: Less noise, you daft bitch. And that goes for you as well, dog.
: Watch the lorry. Richard
: Which lorry? Hyacinth
: There you are, you see; you can't even see the lorry. Richard
: Where is it? Hyacinth
: Parked! Over there. Richard
: Why should I watch a stationary lorry parked on the other side of a dual carriageway! Hyacinth
: I don't think I like your tone, Richard.
: How could my sister marry Onslow? Richard
: Conceivably she loved him. Hyacinth
: Don't be ridiculous! How can you love an Onslow? He sings on coach trips. I just pray I'm never seen here by people of our own social standing.
: Listen to that. Doesn't he play beautifully! The Neighbour
: Yes, he does. Hyacinth
: Brahms, I think. The Neighbour
: Mendelssohn, surely. Hyacinth
: Just testing.
[the neighbour leaves
] Mrs. Fortescue
: You have very interesting relatives, Mrs. Bucket. Hyacinth
: It's Bouquet. Yes, they are. Very... interesting.
[a man wearing a medieval dress waves at them
: Wasn't that Bruce! Hyacinth
: Keep your eyes on the road, dear.
: Now, conversation: what do you usually talk about in the car? Richard
: Well, I think you'll find that usually you talk and I listen. Hyacinth
] Then let's not tamper with a winning system.
[talking on the phone with her sister Violet
: What's wrong with your husband, dear? Hyacinth
: Whims and fancies.
: They all have their whims and fancies. Hyacinth
: In what way is Bruce going strange? Hyacinth
] Well, I'm sorry, Violet, but I thought for a moment there that you said he wanted you both to dress up as Robin Hood and Maid Marian.
: Oh, he does want you both to dress up as Robin Hood and Maid Marian. Hyacinth
: What do you mean I haven't heard the worst part? Hyacinth
: He wants to be Maid Marian.
: Watch the cyclist. Richard
: I'm watching the cyclist. Hyacinth
: She shouldn't be riding a bicycle wearing skirts as short as that. Hyacinth
: [Richard is looking over to the side
] Keep your eyes on the road, dear. Richard
: [looking in the rear-view mirror
] But you just told me to watch the cyclist. Hyacinth
: Just watch the road.
: [outside the pub Mrs. Fortescue just went into
] Isn't that Onslow's bicycle? Hyacinth
: Oh goody. Yes, why not? Let it be Onslow's bicycle.
: I could become the Barbara Cartland of the West Midlands social circuit.
: Was that the papers? Are you asleep, Richard? I'm surprised you can sleep. You know it's an important day for me. Mm?
[she pokes him
: I'll be surprised if you can sleep much longer. Did you bolt the door? Richard
: Door? Hyacinth
: It's that thing that stops there being a hole in the wall. Richard
: It's the early hours of the morning. Hyacinth
: A particularly dangerous time for intruders. Richard
: Why? What happens to them?
: Good morning, Emmet. Off to work then? Emmet
: No, no. I thought I'd just pop out and begin strangling overpowering ladies. Hyacinth
: Oh, that's nice; have you seen the paperboy?
: The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking! Hyacinth
: No, I do not have a special offer on spicy prawn balls. This is not the Chinese takeaway. And will you please get off my white slimline telephone with last number redial.
: Now don't get settled, Richard. You have one last task to perform. Richard
: Well, what's that? Hyacinth
: To go back into number 24A. Richard
: Why, for goodness' sake? Hyacinth
: To get Daddy out!
: Now, what shall I wear to answer the telephone?
: I think you should have turned left. Richard
: I *did* turn left. Hyacinth
: I distinctly told you to turn left. Richard
: That's why I turned left; I'm no fool. It's easier to be lost than disobedient. Hyacinth
: Richard! I hope the entire weekend isn't going to be spoiled by your rebellious manner. Richard
: Rebellious. It's hardly mutiny on the Bounty. Hyacinth
: Don't be silly, dear.
: Can I help you? Hyacinth
: Mr and Mrs Richard Bouquet. We have a reservation. Receptionist
: [checking her book
] What was the name again, please? Hyacinth
: Bouquet. Richard
: Uh, that's spelled B-U-C K-E-T. Receptionist
: Oh, Bucket! Oh yes, we have a Bucket. Hyacinth
: Pronounced Bouquet, dear.
: Do be careful with the luggage! Porter
: Do be careful with the luggage; it's part of a very expensive matching set.
: What does she think it is, alligator? Porter
: Alligator! For her that would be a matching set.
: These people look more our sort. Richard
: How can you tell? Hyacinth
: They're reading full-size newspapers. I could never strike up a conversation with anybody who reads the tabloids.
: Poor old Major. He was wounded. Somewhere east of Suez, I think. Hyacinth
: I'm not surprised.
: Though he did pay me a great compliment. Apparently I remind him of the governor's wife.
: Do be careful with the luggage. It is part of a very expensive matching set.
: [a young Jehovah's witness is leaving Hyacinth's house
] I've only ever had to remove my shoes once before. Hyacinth
: Oh? The Missionary
: And that was in a mosque. And then, the sermon was shorter!
: I think it's terribly careless of you, Daisy, to lose Daddy. Daisy
: Nobody's perfect. Onslow
: You can't keep 'em in if they want to roam. We had a bull terrier who was just the same. Hyacinth
: I don't think I care for that comparison, Onslow. Daisy
: It cured him when we had him doctored. Hyacinth
: Or that one. Onslow
: Well, we had to stop him biting the postwoman.
: I think what we'll do is to take Daddy in this direction. He's always liked this direction.
: I one caught Richard playing with a frizbee. He says it was one he'd found, but I've never been sure. Sometimes, on sleepless nights, when my head's swimming with the responsibilities of organizing another candlelight supper, sometimes I wonder: did he *buy* the frizbee?
: [Hyacinth's father is in the Registry office but has nodded off, and the registrar is trying to wake him. But Hyacinth thinks she is the woman her father went there to marry
] Can you give me a hand with him? Hyacinth
: Madam, I will not lift a FINGER to assist you towards matrimony with this man! He's in no fit condition to be... the Registrar
: Now, let's not get excited. I think he's just asleep. Hyacinth
: You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Forcing Daddy into marriage, when you can see how uninterested he is in the demands of the flesh! the Registrar
: [to Richard
] What is she talking about? Richard Bucket
: Listen, if it's all the same to you, I ought to be getting back. I had to leave a meeting. Hyacinth
: But you can't go now, Richard! I want you to prefer charges against this woman! Richard Bucket
: On what grounds? Hyacinth
[to the stunned registrar
: If I hadn't arrived in the nick of time, you'd have whipped him away into wedlock! the Registrar
: Oh what is the woman talking about... Madam, I AM THE REGISTRAR!
: I once caught Richard playing with a frizbee. He says it was one he'd found, but I've never been sure. Sometimes, on sleepless nights, when my head's swimming with the responsibilities of organizing another candlelight supper, sometimes I wonder: did he *buy* the frizbee?
: [on the telephone
] I require your furniture department, please. The quality section, not the plywood end. Hyacinth
: Good morning! Am I speaking to the manager? I shan't settle for anything less. Good. Now, my name is Bouquet, that's B-U-C-K-E-T. Hyacinth
: No, it *is* Bouquet. You may remember that I called in earlier in the week to choose a three piece suite. Hyacinth
: You do remember vividly. How very nice. Yes. That's right, I called in the week before too. Hyacinth
: Yes, and the week before that. Hyacinth
: Well, these things are too important to rush. Now, you remember that I finally opted for a very superior suite, which you assured me was an exact replica of one at Sandringham House.And you promised delivery today. I'm ringing to ascertain the precise time that you intend to deliver, and will it be in one of your vans with the royal warrant on? Hyacinth
: All your vans have the royal warrant; that's good. On both sides? Because if it's only on the one side I shall want you to park facing town. Hyacinth
: You have the royal warrant on both sides; that's very good.
: [answering the phone
] The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking. Hyacinth
: No, I cannot send round another portion of stir-fried squid with fish-balls and broccoli. Hyacinth
: This is not the Green Lotus Chinese take-away. I may only be one digit removed, but believe me it's a whole other world. Hyacinth
: I heard that, and it wasn't Chinese.
: Does Onslow still get tea when he's finished? Hyacinth
: Well, of course he can have tea afterwards. But not out of my Royal Doulton. And he won't sit on my new suite either.
: Sheridan wants to be a poet! Richard
: Well, that's THIS week. It'll die out.
: [Making wild hand gestures so anyone watching will think she's just giving directions to passing strangers
] The point is, my suite hasn't arrived yet. I'm expecting the van any minute. So if you could clear this area and perhaps pop back later?
[Onslow, Daisy, and Rose just stare
: After dark. WELL after dark.
[Her family still stare blankly
: I'll have your suite waiting. You can collect it, and take it off down there, take the first turn left, and proceed along until you come as far as...
[Realizes they're still not getting the idea
: And instead of standing there looking at me with your mouths wide open, why don't you all get back into that vehicle, drive off in that direction, take the first turn left, which will bring you to you-know-where?
: Look, if this is bad news, please speak slowly and solemnly!
] The TV Repairman
: Good morning, madam. You the one with the wonky telly? Hyacinth
: No, I am not the one with the wonky telly. I am the lady whose television requires adjusting. The TV Repairman
: Oh. I see. Uh, may I come in? Hyacinth
: *If* you promise not to brush against my walls. They've recently been redecorated up to and beyond British standards.
The TV Repairman
: What exactly is wrong with your set, is it the picture or the sound? Hyacinth
: It's neither. What I want *you* to do is to insert one of those little things that goes bleep over every expletive.
: Emmet, Elizabeth, my nautical buffet has suffered a slight setback. Richard
: I am going home. Hyacinth
: We're all going home, Richard. And we'll buy some fish and chips.
: [Running along the bank after a runaway motorboat
] It's very tiring boating on foot!
: Richard! I ORDER YOU!
: Is that the water board? Hyacinth
: Then I'd like to speak to someone in charge. My name is Bouquet. Hyacinth
: Yes, I'll spell it. B-U-C-K-E-T. Hyacinth
: No, it's Bouquet. I want whoever you've got there in a managerial capacity. Hyacinth
: Well, it could be an emergency; I'm not sure, that's what I want to find out. Hyacinth
: Yes, I'll wait. Hyacinth
: Hello! No, it's Bouquet. Hyacinth
: Nah, I didn't say it was an emergency. Hyacinth
: Well, how am I supposed to recognize if it's an emergency? That's what I expect you to tell me. Hyacinth
: What do you mean it's my water? Hyacinth
: That's the very point. Is it my water? When I turned on my tap this morning it didn't look like my water. It's not as bright and sparkling as I'm accustomed to. It looks to me as if it's been used. Are you changing my supply? Because if you are I shall want a detailed explanation of where it comes from. Hyacinth
: Ah, please don't take that tone with me. I expect my former water to be restored immediately. A bathroom with gold-plated taps is no place for you to be trying to off-load second-hand water. I must warn you, my husband is a power in local authority, a man at the height of his executive skills, and I shall have no hesita- Hello.
[hits the switchhook several times
[bangs the receiver down
: Upstart plumber.
: How wealthy is Rose's gentleman friend? Hyacinth
: He's Greek, dear. Marinopolous. You must have heard the name; he's always in the gossip columns or the financial press - oil tankers and things. Richard
: That was Onassis. Hyacinth
: Mm? No, there's another one. Richard
: Mar-in-o-pou-los? Hyacinth
: Yes, I'm sure it was.
: [on the telephone
] Violet, I'm sorry, dear, but I haven't time today for all this. I have a very full social calendar. It's Onslow's birthday party tomorrow, and cocktails with a Greek shipping millionaire. Hyacinth
: No, I know I've never mentioned any Greek millionaire to you, dear, but I'm not the sort of person who brags about her social connections.
: Hyacinth, why does that hearse keep going round and round? Hyacinth
: I'll tell you later, but this much I'll tell you now: there's a pair of cuff-links that's going back to the jeweller's first thing in the morning. Happy birthday, Onslow.
: Are there any other Greeks coming? Hyacinth
: Hmmm? Oh, no, dear. They break plates. He may have a tanker in every port, but I'm not sacrificing my Royal Doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles.
: There aren't that many left.
: [to Rose, with Councilwoman Nugent at the door
] If she asks after me, I am not here, I have never been here, and besides which I am of foreign extraction.
: [with a fake foreign accent, through a mail slot to Councelwoman Nugent
] I am a foreigner in your country.
: Is that for me? The Postman
: It says Bucket on the envelope. Hyacinth
: It's Bouquet. B-U-C-K-E-T, Bouquet. The accent on the second syllable. The Postman
: Well, it's for this address anyway.
[he hands her the letter which she holds at arm's length
] The Postman
: What's wrong now? Hyacinth
: I never like to handle these things too freely until I've some idea who it's from. The Postman
: Does it matter? Hyacinth
: It matters enormously. Some total stranger my have licked this envelope, not to mention the stamp. There may be some prepared to gamble with their health, but I think a certain reserve is called for against the tongues of strangers.
: I really must get back to the office. Hyacinth
: And I to the charity shop,
: where shirts are available at give-away prices. Onslow
: Oh! You can give us a lift then.
: I've finished with men. Hyacinth
: I wish you meant it. Rose
: Oh, I do mean it; they're nothing but heartache and trouble! Hyacinth
: I know what you mean. I can never get Richard to fold his pyjamas!
: Why can't I have my usual cornflakes? Hyacinth
: This is not a cornflake establishment. Richard
: Whunh. It always has been! Hyacinth
: Perhaps in the days before this exclusive European high fibre breakfast cereal was made available. Now it's very nutritious and highly recommended. Richard
: By whom? Hyacinth
: The Dutch Royal Family. Richard
: The Dutch Royal Family! Hyacinth
: There's a crest on the packet. Richard
: Oh, Hyacinth. I wish you'd stop buying things because there's a crest on the packet. Hyacinth
: So in future, when people ask you what you have for breakfast, don't say cornflakes. Tell them, quite truthfully, that you eat an exclusive European high fibre breakfast cereal. Richard
: [through clenched teeth
] With a crest on the package.
: [Rose & Daisy turn up at Hyacinth's unannounced wearing mini-skirts
] Rose... Daisy... Mini! Rose
: Mini? Hyacinth
: Is there anyone anywhere who can pass me a drink?
: Sonja Barker-Finch.
[turns on the light and sits up
: How much longer are you going to sleep, dear? Richard
: Probably not a lot, I suspect. Hyacinth
: Well, I haven't slept a wink. Richard
: I heard you snoring. Hyacinth
: I've had a night of mental anguish. Richard
: Didn't sound like mentally anguished snoring. Hyacinth
: You know me, Richard. I haven't a snobbish bone in my body. But I do find it irritating that those Barker-Finches at Number 23 should attract *the* Douglas Chater to their barbecue. Richard
: Uh, the Douglas what? Hyacinth
: Chater. They had him at their barbecue. Richard
: Now what did he taste like? Hyacinth
: Now don't be silly, dear. They had him at their barbecue and of course she can't stop telling everybody. I cannot abide people who run around making a meal out of their little social triumphs.
: [On the phone, inviting the Vicar's wife
] You must come, dear. We're having C.P. Benedict!
: What do you mean, hot or cold?
: Richard! Richard
: I know that voice. Hyacinth
: Do you remember the Winslows? Richard
: No. Hyacinth
: Well, they've overlooked something. They came to one of my candlelight suppers, and they've never invited us back. I can't understand it. Richard
: I think I can. Hyacinth
: It must be an oversight. They're not the kind of people who'd commit a breach of manners. You must ring them for a chat and drop a hint, Richard. Richard
: Me! Hyacinth
: Well, I'd do it myself, only I'm not the sort of person who goes fishing for invitations. Richard
: Well, I can't do that! Hyacinth
: Good! That's settled then.
: Hyacinth, if you are going as Marie Antoinette... Hyacinth
: Well, I am. I have my heart set on Marie Antoinette. Richard
: Maybe I could go as the executioner. Hyacinth
: Oh, that's a good idea. Richard
: Well, it has a certain appeal, I agree.
: Do be careful what you choose for yourself. I don't want you in tights, Richard. I get very embarrassed in front of the neighbours when you're in tights. Richard
: When have I ever been in tights? Hyacinth
: The year you were Robin Hood. Richard
: *I* was Friar Tuck; *you* were Robin Hood. Hyacinth
: Are you sure? Richard
: Don't you remember? Sheridan became ill because he couldn't be Maid Marian. Hyacinth
: Oh yes, I do remember. Poor Sheridan. He broke out in spots. Only in the nicest places, of course.
: Home, Richard. I will not share my throne with those imposters.
: [Hyacinth used their wedding date as the alarm code, but Richard used the wrong year and the alarm is sounding
] Richard Bouquet! You've forgotten the date of our wedding!
[Hyacinth starts wailing, as the alarm continues to sound
: [sitting up in bed, to a sleeping Richard
] Good morning, dear.
: I said: good morning, dear!
: Time to wake up on this our special day.
: I know what you're doing; you're pretending to have forgotten. But I know you better than that, Richard Bouquet. You have something in mind. You're going to surprise me.
: Are you up? What time is it? Are you smiling at me? Hyacinth
: Of course I'm smiling at you. Richard
: Well, why are you smiling at me? Hyacinth
: I shall go and make some tea. A very good morning to you.
[Hyacinth leaves the room
: What have I done?
: [about Richard
] He's so thoughtful, bless his heart. A little bossy now and again, but so thoughtful.
: You can tell the Postmaster General... The Postman
: I don't see him that often.
: [in reference to Daisy's and Onslow's house
] How can a place look like this 50 years after the blitz?
: Postman! The Postman
[he jumps, trapping his hand in the letterbox, but works it free
: I hope that's a first class stamp. I object to having second class stamps thrust through my letterbox. I should have thought postmen would be trained to recognize first class stamp houses. The Postman
: It's not the post office puts the stamps on; it's the senders. Hyacinth
: Oh, yes, of course, blame the public. Would you please inform your supervisor that in future I want my stamps adjusted upwards!
: [on the telephone with Daisy
] Daddy's gone naturist! Well, I think that's *wonderful* at his age. Yes, all that wholesome healthy food, plenty of roughage. Mmm. Hyacinth
: Onslow's trying to get Daddy down from where? Hyacinth
: Well, why would Daddy be up there? Hyacinth
: Oh, he's not that kind of naturist. Well, what kind of naturist is he? Hyacinth
: A *stark* naturist!
: Richard! Richard! I've been offered a job with Frosticles. Richard
: Take it, Hyacinth, please! Hyacinth
: I couldn't do that, dear, you'd be so bored at home without me.
: I heard a noise. Richard
: There's no one there. Hyacinth
: Are you sure everything's locked? Richard
: Everything's locked, bolted, barred. Hyacinth
: Did you check the windows? Richard
: I checked the windows. Hyacinth
: What about the garage? Richard
: Yes, it's still there. Hyacinth
: I can't understand why we've never been burgled. It's common knowledge that I have some very valuable objets d'art. Richard
: Objets d'art? Hyacinth
: My Royal Doulton! Richard
: Oh, that. Hyacinth
: And the figurines that were Grandmamma's. Richard
: Yes, those. Hyacinth
: The Wilkinsons were burgled. On his income, I can't understand how they could afford to be burgled. Quite honestly, in their circumstances I think it's a mite pretentious of them to be burgled.
: Mind the old lady on the pavement. Richard
: I'm not going on the pavement. Hyacinth
: Supposing she suddenly leaps off. Richard
: How many old ladies *do* make sudden leaps?
: [into phone
] You're a louse! You've always been a louse! And what's more, you've got hairy toes! You're the first man I've ever known with hairy toes, Ted Butterfield, and it looks like a bad sign. Hyacinth
: [grabs the phone and scowls at Rose, covering the receiver
] Rose, you cannot speak like that to a Butterfield! Good gracious, girl, think of the bright future ahead. Rose
: Bright future? Well, do you know the Butterfields? Hyacinth
: Of course we know the Butterfields. We've just been there.
: My sister won't keep you a moment, Mr Butterfield.
: We call regularly at their place of business. Rose
: What place of business? Hyacinth
: [into phone
] My sister's standing here in the grip of a very powerful emotion. You mustn't take any notice of her harsh words. It's just a crust that she's had to develop to cover her purity and simplicity. We're like that as a family; the highest standards prevail; my son wears pure silk pyjamas.
[Rose is trying to grab the receiver
: Rose, pull yourself together. You'll have to learn to behave if you're going to maintain a relationship with one of the town's leading commercial families! Rose
: What commercial family? Hyacinth
: The executive motor showroom and garage. Their forecourt service is unparalleled. Rose
: He's not that Butterfield! This one's a total dreck without a penny to his name. Hyacinth
[into phone, shouting in a low voice
: And furthermore, will you kindly stop bothering my sister!
[slams down receiver
] What have you done that for! I love him! Hyacinth
: How can you love him? The man has hairy toes.
: You quite sure my milk went into a clean bottle?
[he shows her his hands
: Very good. I *do* like a milkman with clean fingernails. You may bring an extra yoghurt tomorrow. You see how cleanliness pays. The Milkman
: An extra yoghurt. Wow! What flavour? Hyacinth
: Surprise me. The Milkman
: I'd love to. Hyacinth
: [a dog barks
] There's that dreadful dog again. He's always coming into my garden and making gestures. The Milkman
: I can understand that.
: Of course, if you hadn't been gardening you could have come in at the front. Liz
: I had changed my shoes and washed my hands. Hyacinth
: What I always do when I've been gardening is change my shoes and wash my hands.
: *Do* sit down, Elizabeth; make yourself at home. Hyacinth
: No, not there, dear. I like to face the window.
[Richard grunts as he loads a crate into the car boot
: Do be careful of my crystal glassware, Richard. Richard
: I don't know why we're taking all this stuff; the place is fully equipped. Hyacinth
: You know I can't entertain without my crystal glassware. Richard
: They've probably got crystal glassware. Hyacinth
: At *Bruce's* cottage? You know Bruce thinks the height of taste is glassware engraved with naked ladies. Richard
: I'd sooner be struggling with a naked lady than this crate. Hyacinth
: [Hyacinth is checking her list
[she goes into the house
: She rarely listens to anything I say. I've learned to appreciate *that* over the years.
: I thought Mr. Ridley looked rather shabby. Richard
: He was just gardening. Hyacinth
: I expect he's lost heart, poor man. His wife can't be an easy person to be married to. I've never heard her speak to him unless to give an order. Richard
: Sounds familiar. Hyacinth
: Take the next right, dear. We all know the secret of marriage is give and take; kindness, understanding, tolerance.
[Richard is staring at her, and drives straight through the intersection
: Richard, you should have turned right there, dear!
: Hyacinth, who was that lady you were dancing with? Hyacinth
: Oh, that was Bunty, Dorian's wife. La la la. La la la. If her legs were working you'd like Bunty.
: [answering the telephone
] The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking. Hyacinth
: You are whom? Actually, I think that should be 'who'. You are who? Hyacinth
: The Department of Refuse Service Offices? Oh, you mean the rubbish people. Hyacinth
: Yes, I am the lady who's been ringing all week with a complaint. Yes, thank you for finally retuning my call. Hyacinth
: My complaint is about your dustbin lorries. Hyacinth
: All right, your collection vehicles. They will keep passing down my avenue. Now I don't mind them coming on Tuesday because that's when I put my dustbin out. But I wish you would forbid them to pass down my avenue on other days. It gives the impression that I specialize in superfluous amounts of garbage. Hyacinth
: Oh, I know what they're doing; they're taking the short cut, and I'd like you to do something about it. Hyacinth
: Well, if that's your excuse I wouldn't even put it in a black plastic bag and stuff it in a dustbin. Hello. Hello.
[clicks the hook several times
: Bolshie binman.
: Don't grunt when you polish, Richard. I can hear you breathing, dear. I don't think it's quite nice to hear people breathing. You'd think by now evolution would have replaced our unfortunate bodily functions with something a little more tasteful. I suppose it was perfectly adequate for primitive peoples, but really. Richard
: Well, we are merely mammals, after all. Hyacinth
: Richard! What a thing to say to somebody with a solid silver self-cleaning sauce separator.
: [the doorbell rings
] Richard, our guests have arrived! Rose
: You expecting company? Hyacinth
: Oh, it's just Elizabeth from next door and her brother Emmet. Rose
: Oh, I didn't know she had a brother. Hyacinth
: Yes, he's recovering from rather a bad divorce. Rose
: Oh, divorced, is he?
[Elizabeth enters with Emmet
: How are you, Hyacinth? Hyacinth
: Oh, I, em. Ah... Rose
: Oh, I can see he's suffered.
[cuddles up to Emmet
: Some women can be *bitches*.
: Mind that pedestrian. Elizabeth
: Is there a pedestrian? Hyacinth
: Good heavens, Elizabeth, can't you see, dear? Elizabeth
: Well, there's no-one in the road. Hyacinth
: Not in the road. On the pavement. Elizabeth
: I usually miss the ones on the pavement.
Real Estate Agent
: And this is known as the Lake Room. Hyacinth
: Oh! Oh, what a lovely view. Is that a river out there? Real Estate Agent
: It's a lake. Hyacinth
: We're looking for a little country cottage. You'll buy something huge; I know you will! You'll buy something we can't afford! Hyacinth
: What have I ever presented you with that we can't afford? Richard
: Well, Sheridan for a start.
: Try not to make a noise in the bathroom, dear. Richard
: Did you say something? Hyacinth
: I said, "Try not to make a noise in the bathroom", Richard. Richard
: Was I making a noise? Hyacinth
: Look, I don't wish to dwell on it, dear, but it's always been a principle of mine that bathrooms should be seen and not heard.
: He's not listening. If there's one thing irritates me more than another, it's people not listening. Elizabeth
: Oh, you'll never guess who I saw this morning! Hyacinth
: Did you, dear? That's nice.
[Hyacinth sees her brother-in-law Bruce in costume and turns away from him quickly.
: Where are we going now? Hyacinth
: I wish you wouldn't argue, Richard. Why do you always start an argument?
: [on telephone
] La dee. Hello! Museum and Art Gallery?... Could I speak to the curator, please?... Yes, of course it's important. My name is Bouquet, B-U-C-K-E-T. Yes, I'll hold. Richard
: I'm back! Hyacinth
: Shoes, dear! Richard
: Yes, dear, Hyacinth
: Hello!... He's not available?... Gone to an art exhibition?... Well, couldn't he do that sort of thing in his own time?... Look, my husband and I have been invited this evening to the preview of a private exhibition with cheese and wine, and I need some tips on art appreciation... Well, yes, of course I appreciate it as my son Sheridan will testify. I don't care for the modern rubbish, but I do like a frame that doesn't gather dust. You see, I... wha... I... Hello!
[clicks the hook several times
: What are you reading, dear? Richard
: Well, I'm not so much reading as browsing through the pictures. You wanted me to become familiar with art. Hyacinth
: Not that familiar!
[she grabs the book away
: But they're not all like that. Hyacinth
: I should hope not! Richard
: I was just picking up a few points here and there. Hyacinth
: I appreciate that, Richard, but what I'm going to be wearing is far more important than what they're not.
: Gone! Richard
: He must have gone inside. Hyacinth
: Inside! Oh, I think I'd rather he'd joined the Legion. Richard, it may be necessary socially to introduce him as your father. Richard
: My father! Hyacinth
: Just for this evening of course. I couldn't bear to lose Daddy for any longer than that. Richard
: But, Hyacinth... Hyacinth
: No, promise me that you will be kind to Daddy while he's yours, won't you. I hope it's all flowers and sunsets. I rely on you, Richard, to keep Daddy away from any nudes.
: Please be very careful of my matching executive luggage with the genuine leather embelishments and initials
[at Southampton Airport check-in desk
: Could you ask our captain to go a little faster and land a little earlier? My husband would tip him handsomely. Richard Bucket
: No! The check in girl
: Can I ask you some questions about your baggage, madam? Hyacinth
: Of course, isn't it smart! I suppose you want to know where I bought it.
: Now listen to me, my good man. Important as I am in local circles, I have not yet risen to the level where I can walk on water.
: [Hyacinth and Richard are preparing for Daisy's granddaughter's christening
] At least they're bothering to have the little girl christened. Hyacinth
: Kylie! What sort of a name is Kylie for a Christian person? It sounds like a foreign vegetable!
: Is this tie all right? Hyacinth
: For where we're going, any tie's a novelty. Richard
: It's no good being like that about it; it's a family occasion. The thing is to make the best of it. Anyway, I always think there's something rather nice about a christening. Hyacinth
: There's something even nicer if there's been a wedding first.
] The Vicar
: It's a lovely baby. Which one's the father? Hyacinth
: Let's go into the church, shall we? Richard, don't dally. Richard
: Hardly dallying, Hyacinth. Hyacinth
: If we go in first, we can hide behind the pillar. The Vicar
: Is it the tall one? Hyacinth
: Well, at least it's stopped raining. Tell me, Vicar...
: It's absolutely scandalous! My free-style floral decoration for a table centrepiece deserved a first prize. Everybody said so. Richard
: Well, you got a second. Hyacinth
: And to give first prize to Lydia Hawkesworth. Of all people! Richard
: Better luck next time. It was just one of those things, Hyacinth. Hyacinth
: It was one of those things that didn't deserve a first prize. Oh. It's not that I mind losing. It's just that I hate the thought of first prize being given to somebody who'll make such a meal of it; we'll never hear the last of it. If they'd given it to me my natural modesty would ensure a minimum of fuss. To give it to Lydia Hawkesworth! You saw it; you were there. What did you think? Come along, Richard, be honest. Richard
: I hated it. Hyacinth
: I'm glad we're of the same opinion. Richard
: I know when to hate something, or not. Hyacinth
: The woman has no taste. And as for the judges, where do they find these judges? Must be the same idiots that keep letting people off serious crime.
] The Sergeant
: [writing in his notebook
] Richard Bucket. Hyacinth
: It's B-O-U Q-U-E-T. The Sergeant
: Right, I'd like the answers to a few questions, Mr Bucket. Hyacinth
: It's Bouquet. Lydia Hawkesworth
: [drives up
] Mrs Bucket. Hyacinth
: It's Bouquet! Oh, hello again, Mrs Hawkesworth. The Constable
: Come back here, Madam. Hyacinth
: Lovely day, isn't it?
: Ah, Vicar!
[the Vicar falls off his bike
: Good morning, Vicar. How nice of you to drop by for a chat. Richard
: [yelling from the stoop
] Hyacinth! Telephone/ Hyacinth
: Shhh! Please don't shout in the street, Richard!
: Mind that old lady. Richard Bucket
: Where was the old lady? Hyacinth
: Going into that shop. Richard Bucket
: Did you think I was going to ram-raid the shop?
: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Hyacinth
: Richard, what's the matter? Richard
: You know what's the matter. It's the sale tomorrow. Hyacinth
: Ahh, I know, I am excited too. Richard
: I'm not excited, I'm terrified. Hyacinth
: Mmm? Richard
: The thought of you at a sale. Hyacinth
: Oh, I do love a sale! Richard
: Especially the thought of you at a country house sa... Hyacinth
: Especially country house sales. Richard
: You get carried away! You think that because things have belonged to the aristocracy, they must be worth twice as much! Hyacinth
: You know, the truth is I always think that because things have belonged to the aristocracy they must be worth twice as much!
: I do hope you'll all join me in a bottle of the Dowager Lady Ursula's hame-mode geeseberry woon. Hyacinth
: [to Onslow
: I wish you'd smile more when you're gardening, Richard.
[with a smile, she mimes trimming a branch
: If I do *that* they're going to lock me away. Hyacinth
: Try to look as though you're enjoying it, dear. Richard
: But I don't particularly enjoy it. It's just something that has to be done. Hyacinth
: Well, that's how it appears. Richard
: The garden looks well enough. Hyacinth
: Oh, it's not the garden dear; it's *you*. You look as though you're not enjoying doing it. Which gives the impression that we can't afford a gardener. Richard
: We can't afford a gardener. Hyacinth
: Shh, Richard! Keep your voice down, dear. *If* we can't afford a gardener, that's all the more reason why we should look as though we *can* afford a gardener. So in future, could you look like someone who enjoys doing his own gardening but could afford a gardener if he wanted to.
: Richard, follow that sister!
: What about this new interest of his? The Workers' Revolutionary Vanguard. Is it really suitable, do you think? With Sheridan's education and background, surely he ought be in the Executives' Revolutionary Vanguard.
: Good-bye, Sheridan! I do wish he'd reconsider wearing a vest. I used to so enjoy ironing his little vests.
: Ah, the postman. The Postman
: Good morning, Mrs Bouquet, ah, Bucket... ah, Bouquet. Hyacinth
: That was Sheridan. The Postman
: Oh, really? Hyacinth
: My son. The Postman
: Oh, Sheridan Bouquet. Hyacinth
: Exactly. He's at university, you know. The Postman
: No, I didn't, actually. Hyacinth
: They grow up so quickly. Do you have children? The Postman
: Uh, seven. Hyacinth
: Seven! The Postman
: [counts on his fingers
] Yeah. Hyacinth
: Quite an achievement when you have to be up so early. It's a mercy you're on foot and not on a bicycle.
: Do you think Sheridan's voice is changing? Richard
: It's still asking for money, I know that. Hyacinth
: I think it's getting deeper. Richard
: In debt! Hyacinth
: I hope he won't go any lower than tenor. I'd like to think his voice with blend with Mummy's when he comes home.
[at the Church
: Rose pull your skirt down before we're all excommunicated! Rose
: I've always thought that Vicar was dishy. If I was going to get excommunicated, I'd rather it was because of him.
[Hyacinth has been looking out of the window using binoculars
: He's gone to Thirty-Five. Richard
: Uh, who has? Hyacinth
: The postman! That's every day this week he's been to Thirty-Five. He's bound to have something for us this morning. Richard
: Well, if he has, he'll deliver it; if not, he'll go past again. Hyacinth
: I won't have him walking past again. Not when he's been every day to number Thirty-Five. Richard
: I like him walking past; another day without a bill. Huh. I feel quite festive every time he walks past. Hyacinth
: *I* have to hold my head up in this community. I'm looked up to. What are they going to think if I go three days without mail? Richard
: It's probably only junk mail going to Thirty-Five. Hyacinth
: Richard, that is neither here nor there. I will not have my junk mail going to other people's houses.