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: Are there many heroes on Earth? Mork
: Oh, yes sir, there are. But it seems like only the ones with pizazz seem to get the spotlight. How many times, sir, have you seen Albert Schweitzer's picture on a bubblegum card? Think about that one, Sir. Oh I mean, it's because he can't throw a good curve-ball, but isn't that being a little picky?
: You always hear about the man who jumps over 13 buses, but you never hear about the John Doe who put him back together again. Orson
: Who's John Doe? Mork
: Exactly, Sir.
: Are there many heroes on Earth? Mork
: Oh, yes Sir, there are. But it seems like only the ones with pizazz seem to get the spotlight. How many times, sir, have you seen Albert Schweitzer's picture on a bubblegum card? Think about that one, Sir. Oh, I mean, it's because he can't throw a good curve-ball, but isn't that being a little picky?
: You should have heard the eulogy I did for my caterpillar. Mindy says that when he dies, he'll go to Heaven, and be with all the other bugs and he'll be very happy and everything will be beautiful. Orson
: Tell me, if Heaven is so beautiful, so perfect, so great, how come humans don't want to die? Mork
: Who wants to be with all those bugs?
: What do you think happens when something dies, Mork? Mork
: I don't know, Sir. All I know is that when my caterpillar became a butterfly and sprouted wings and flew away, it looked kind of like a little angel.
: Hello! This Orson! You'll have to call back later because I'm out... of my mind right now. If you'd like, you may leave a message between the two beeps.
: The report, Mork. Mork
: This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness. Orson
: Do many people on Earth suffer from this disease? Mork
: Oh yes sir, and how they suffer. One man I know suffers so much he has to take a medication called bourbon, even that doesn't help very much because then he can hear paint dry. Orson
: Does bed rest help? Mork
: No because I've heard that sleeping alone is part of the problem. You see, Orson, loneliness is a disease of the spirit. People who have it think that no one cares about them. Orson
: Do you have any idea why? Mork
: Yes sir you can count on me. You see, when children are young, they're told not to talk to strangers. When they go to school, they're told not to talk to the person next to them. Finally when they're very old, they're told not to talk to themselves, who's left? Orson
: Are you saying Earthlings make each other lonely? Mork
: No sir I'm saying just the opposite. They make themeslves lonely, they're so busy looking out for number one that there's not enough room for two. Orson
: It's too bad everybody down there can't get together and find a cure. Mork
: Here's the paradox sir because if they did get together, they wouldn't need one. Isn't that zenlack?
: On Earth, babies aren't grown in test tubes, they're grown in something wonderful called a mother. Orson
: That's the old fashioned way, Mork. 80 bleems ago a few of us did it up here too, as part of a nostalgia craze. Mork
: Sometimes I think the old ways are the best ways, Orson. Orson
: Nap, nap, our method is much more efficient. Mork
: Orson, when you were a baby, don't you remember being held and cuddled, taken for walks? Orson
: Magnavac26 did that. Mork
: But on Earth a mother does it. And she does all sorts of other nice things for her children for her entire life. Oh it's a warm and wonderful thing. Orson
: How much does she get paid? Mork
: Nothing. Orson
: Is it because her work is considered of no real value? Mork
: No, because it's considered priceless.
: You see, sir, I've learned that although it's good to encourage your child to shoot for the stars, it's not always good to choose which galaxy. You see, if it's up to parents, there'd only be three jobs in the whole world: doctor, lawyer and wholesale jeweler. Orson
: But don't you want Mearth to pursue a career you can be proud of? Mork
: Sir, that's not our decision. And we'll honor his choice even if he wants to become a network executive.
: I'm trying to fit in here on Earth because these are a very violent, violent people. Orson
: You mean they have wars? Mork
: Oh no, worse than that. Violence is part of their everyday lives. First of all, they *slash* prices, they *drown* their sorrows, they *punch* buttons and they kill time. I'm not even gonna tell you what they do to eggs. Orson
: I had no idea they were so vicious. Mork
: Oh, not only that, they *blow up* photographs, they *hang* plants, and I heard one guy telling another guy, "Hey man, you can crash at my place." And even when they're finished having a fight and they want to make up, they threaten to bury the hatchet! Orson
: What makes them so violent? Mork
: I don't know. I think it starts when a baby is born. The first thing a doctor does is hit it. They don't stand a chance, your immenseness.
: What about your friend? Mork
: Eh, she spent a lot of time feeling lonely, but then she realized her best chance of going out was to be more outgoing. Orson
: That reminds me of an old Orkan saying... Mork
: Me, too, sir. "If one stays too long in his shell, he'll wind up nuts." On that same note, sir, nanu.