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Quotes for
Bart (Character)
from Blazing Saddles (1974)

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Blazing Saddles (1974)
[the Johnsons load their guns and point them at Bart. Bart then points his own pistol at his head]
Bart: [low voice] Hold it! Next man makes a move, the nigger gets it!
Olson Johnson: Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.
Dr. Sam Johnson: Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it!
Bart: [low voice] Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town!
Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oh, lo'dy, lo'd, he's desp'it! Do what he sayyyy, do what he sayyyy!
[Townspeople drop their guns. Bart jams the gun into his neck and drags himself through the crowd towards the station]
Harriet Johnson: Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?
Dr. Sam Johnson: Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!
Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oooh! He'p me, he'p me! Somebody he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me!
Bart: [low voice] Shut up!
[Bart places his hand over his own mouth, then drags himself through the door into his office]
Bart: Ooh, baby, you are so talented!
[looks into the camera]
Bart: And they are so *dumb*!

Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.

[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: [eagerly] When?

Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly Woman: Up yours, nigger.

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.

[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]
Charlie: They said you was hung.
Bart: And they was right.

Bart: Well, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what's your pleasure? What do you like to do?
Jim: Oh, I don't know. Play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Well, let's play chess.

Bart: [on grandstand to the townspeople] Excuse me while I whip this out.
[reaches into waistline as crowd gasps and screams; Bart pulls out paper, they sigh with relief]

Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well, then how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: Baby, please! I am not from Havana.
Lili Von Shtupp: Will I... see you again?
Bart: Well, it all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.

[to two members of the KKK, while pretending to capture Bart]
Jim: Oh, boys! Lookee what I got heyuh.
Bart: Hey, where the white women at?

Hedley Lamarr: Sign here.
[Bart reaches for the pen... revealing his black hands]
Jim: [quickly] Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross burning?
[licks his fingers, then rubs Bart's hand]
Jim: See, it's coming off.
[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]
Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens.
[Runs off]

[Jim the Waco Kid has just shot the guns out of the hands of a dozen henchmen]
Bart: Well, don't just stand there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about a round of applause for The Waco Kid?

Bart: I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.
Jim: See? In another twenty-five years, you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.

Bart: Now, I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.
Crowd: You bet your ass!
Bart: I'm hip.

Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.

[last lines]
Jim: [who still has his popcorn and soda from the Chinese Theater] Where you headed, cowboy?
Bart: Nowhere special.
Jim: Nowhere special? I always wanted to go there.
Bart: Come on.
[Jim mounts up and they ride off into the sunset... in a limousine!]

Bart: Well, raise my rent. You *are* The Kid.

Bart: Sir, he specifically requested two "niggers". Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.

[Bart is bidding farewell to the people of Rock Ridge]
Bart: Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice.
Crowd: [in unison] BULLSHIT!
Bart: All right, you caught me. To speak the plain truth, it's getting pretty damn dull around here.

Bart: [Mongo walks down the street past a mannequin-like, penny-arcade-style "gunslinger" - Bart's voice is distorted and seems to be coming from the penny-arcade machine] I'm the marshal in this here town, and you're nothin' but a big fat ferret.
[Mongo starts to pull his gun on the offending "marshal"]
Bart: Hold it! If you wanna draw on me, put a quarter in the machine.
[Mongo deposits a quarter in the appropriate slot]
Bart: Ready? Now draw on the count of three. One, two...
[Mongo is about to draw when the "marshal" falls away to reveal a cannon, which blasts Mongo in the face - we can now see that Bart has been throwing his voice with a bullhorn]
Bart: ... Three.

[while Mongo is beating the hell out of a bar full of toughs, Bart walks in, dressed as a messenger boy and carrying a box]
Bart: Candygram for Mongo! Candygram for Mongo!
Mongo: Me Mongo.
Bart: Sign, please.
[Mongo grabs the paper and makes some rough scratches on it]
Bart: Thank you.
[He gives Mongo the box and walks out of the bar, putting his fingers in his ears]
Mongo: Mongo like candy.
[he opens the box - BOOM!]

Jim: I'd better sit up.
[struggles to straighten himself]
Bart: Need any help?
Jim: Oh... all I can get.

Bart: Checkmate.
Jim: What?
Bart: Checkmate.
Jim: Why, you devious son of a bitch.
[picking up his whiskey bottle]
Jim: Happy days.

Charlie: [as their handcart begins to sink] Bart?
Bart: Yeah?
Charlie: Am I wrong? Or is the world... rising?
Bart: I don't know. But whatever it is, I hate it.
[men slowly sink down offscreen]
Bart: Hey, Charlie? Let me ask you something: what is it that's not exactly water and it ain't exactly earth?
Charlie, Bart: Quicksand!

Bart: Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?
Howard Johnson: We don't care if it's the first act of "Henry V," we're leaving!

Jim: Look at my hand.
[raises hand and holds it level]
Bart: Steady as a rock.
Jim: [raises his other hand, which is violently trembling] Yeah, but I shoot with this one.

Bart: Mongo was easy. The bitch was inventing the candy-gram. Probably won't even give me credit for it.
[a knock at the window; Bart gets up and sees the same woman who insulted him earlier]
Elderly Woman: Good evening, Sheriff. Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger". I hope this apple pie will in some small way say thank you for your ingenuity and courage in defeating that horrible Mongo.
Bart: Well, uh... thank you, much obliged. Good night.
[Bart closes the window and smells the pie... but returns to the window when he hears another knock]
Elderly Woman: Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you.
Bart: Of course.
Elderly Woman: Thank you.

Bart: Just give me twenty-four hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town. Just twenty-four hours, that's all I ask.
Townspeople: [in unison] No!
Bart: You'd do it for Randolph Scott.
Townspeople: [reverently] Randolph Scott...
Townspeople: [singing in the fashion of a church choir] RANDOLPH SCOTT!
Howard Johnson: All right, Sheriff. Twenty-four hours.

Bart: [Bart dresses himself as a carnival barker and stands beside a wishing-well] ... Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and... Mongos! Dive, dive, dive for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy, leaving millions and millions of Spanish Dubloons at the bottom of the sea!
[Remember, they're in the middle of the desert, on America's Western Frontier!]
Mongo: Spanish balloons? Mongo take chance...!
[and, after suiting up]
Mongo: ... How Mongo get air?
Bart: From this wonderful antique pump. Good hunting!
[and, once Mongo climbs to the bottom of the well]
Bart: ... Time for my lunch break.
[He lowers a sign to Mongo which reads "For more air, deposit $.25"]

Bart: [watching Mongo's rampage] I don't know what it is.
[Van Johnson bursts into the office]
Van Johnson: Sheriff! Mongo's back! He's...
[realizes Bart is on the opposite side of the room, and turns around]
Van Johnson: Sheriff! Mongo's back! He's breaking up the whole town! You've got to help us, please!
Bart: Did you hear that? Now it's "please". This morning, I couldn't get the time of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway?
Jim: Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who". He's more of a "what".
Van Johnson: What he said.
Bart: Well, now, I don't know...
Van Johnson: Oh, thank you, Sheriff! Oh, thank you very much! Thank you!
[runs to the door and flings it open]
Van Johnson: [shouting] The fool's going to... I mean, the sheriff's going to do it!

Bart: Hey, maybe you should eat somethin' first.
Jim: No thanks, food makes me sick.

Black Bart (1975) (TV)
Fern Malaga: You are already the highest paid black Sheriff in the West!
Black Bart: Milk Face... I am the *only* black Sheriff in the West!