Sebastian Stark
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Quotes for
Sebastian Stark (Character)
from "Shark" (2006)

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"Shark: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)
Sebastian Stark: I am great, and yet... I am humble.

Sebastian Stark: I live by three simple rules; my "cutthroat manifesto." These rules guide every single decision I make on every single case. Rule No. 1: Trial is war. Second place is death. Rule No. 2: Truth is relative. Pick one that works. Rule No. 3: In a jury trial, there are only twelve opinions that matter, and, Ms. Troy, yours most decidedly is not one of them. Now, from this day forward, every case will be David versus Goliath, and guess who's holding the slingshot?

Sebastian Stark: For this to work, you must accept that winning is the only thing that matters.
Young Lawyer: What about justice?
Sebastian Stark: Hey, your job is to win. Justice is God's problem.

Sebastian Stark: In jury trials, you don't get a second chance.

Sebastian Stark: Trials are won before you ever step foot in the courtroom.

Sebastian Stark: You know, all my life all I wanted to be was the best lawyer in the world. But when you lose that drive, that consuming ambition, you're done.

Sebastian Stark: A prosecutor must conform his case to the demands of the legal system.
Sebastian Stark: A defense attorney conforms the legal system to the demands of his case.
Sebastian Stark: You want to win? Grab a pencil. I live by three simple rules: My cutthroat manifesto. These rules guide every decision I make on every single cases. Rule No. 1: Trial is war; second place is death. Rule No. 2: Truth is relative. Pick one that works. Rule No. 3: In a jury trial, there are only twelve opinions that matter, and, Miss Troy, yours most decidedly, is not one of them.

Sebastian Stark: You want to win? Grab a pencil!

Sebastian Stark: Trial is war. Second place is death.

Sebastian Stark: Your job is to win. Justice is God's problem.

Sebastian Stark: Truth is relative. Pick one that works.

Sebastian Stark: I eat prosecutors for breakfast. They're my main source of fiber.

Sebastian Stark: Rule No. 1: Trial is war, and war tends to get ugly.

Margaret Pool: [a mock trial, Sebastian is proving to the team that a witness can lose composure on the stand] Ms. Troy, how old are you?
Raina Troy: Twenty-six.
Sebastian Stark: How many men have you had sex with?
Raina Troy: What?
Sebastian Stark: Your Honor?
Margaret Pool: Witness will answer.
Raina Troy: I have no idea.
Sebastian Stark: Ten? Twenty? Am I getting warm?
Raina Troy: Maybe you keep a running tally, but I don't.
Sebastian Stark: Have you ever contracted a veneral disease?
Sebastian Stark: [pause] Have... you... ever... contracted... a... veneral... dis... EASE?
Raina Troy: ONCE! In college.
Sebastian Stark: So you ENJOY unprotected sex?
Raina Troy: I was twenty-one!
Sebastian Stark: Do you also enjoy bondages? S & M? Is that a crucifix around your neck?
Raina Troy: Don't go there.
Sebastian Stark: Do you practice the teachings of your church?
Raina Troy: YES!
Sebastian Stark: How do you reconcile those teachings with your WANTON PROMISCUITY?
Raina Troy: You don't know a THING about me! Now you may live in a fancy penthouse but you are still an ambulance chasing son of a bitch!
Sebastian Stark: [pause] No further questions, and you may step down.


"Shark: Here Comes the Judge (#1.15)" (2007)
Sebastian Stark: An eye for an eye?
Judge Andrew Bennett: Exactly.
Sebastian Stark: I guess that's why they say justice is blind.

Sebastian Stark: That's Sam Harris. The top DC spin doctor. He's shepherding Bennett's confirmation to the Federal Court of Appeals. Guy's a magician.
Raina Troy: You should hire him to fix your public image.
Sebastian Stark: Nobody's that good.

Judge Andrew Bennett: This is a personal vendetta, Stark. And you know when this trial is over and I'm exonerated, I'm going to return the favor. I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Sebastian Stark: Well, thanks, I've already been married.
Judge Andrew Bennett: Yeah, just remember: when you go after the king, you better kill the king.
Sebastian Stark: That's what Elvis said to the Beatles. Next thing you know, he's playing Vegas in a sequined jumpsuit.

[Bennett suggests Sebastian is disgusted by the fact Bennett is gay]
Sebastian Stark: I don't care if you did it with farm animals. You killed your wife, Bennett, to protect your image. *That* disgusts me.

[Jessica suggests Sebastian is after Bennett out of revenge]
Sebastian Stark: You know my motto: Winning first, revenge a close second.

[Raina suggests Sebastian is after Bennett out of revenge]
Sebastian Stark: That hurts me deeply. I'm going after Bennett because it's my job. If he happens to be guilty, it'll be an added bonus.

[Bennett turns out to hate Sebastian]
Raina Troy: Is there anyone in this town you haven't pissed off?
Sebastian Stark: Yeah, the guy who killed Karen Bennett. He's next on my list.

Judge Andrew Bennett: [Stark bursts through the courtroom doors and strides toward bench] We're in the middle of a trial!
Sebastian Stark: Not any more. Andrew Bennett, you are under arrest for the murder of your wife.
[Stark turns toward jury and raises his arms in a Nixonesque "V"]
Sebastian Stark: Ladies and gentlemen, court is adjourned.


"Shark: Dr. Feelbad (#1.3)" (2006)
Sebastian Stark: No bad news while I'm eating dead fish.

Sebastian Stark: I will say this only once, and if quoted, I will deny it: damn good work.

Sebastian Stark: [to his daughter who has asked about overnight guests] If I ever see a man coming out of your room in the morning, I'm the one who is going to need a lawyer.

Sebastian Stark: There is no defense for mediocrity.

Julie Stark: You don't owe me an explanation.
Sebastian Stark: You're right, I don't. So this one's on the house.


"Shark: No Holds Barred (#2.6)" (2007)
D.A. Leo Cutler: See how nice it can be when we all play together?
Sebastian Stark: Problem is you only play when there's something in it for you.
D.A. Leo Cutler: Which makes me different from you... how?
Jessica Devlin: He's got you there.

Sebastian Stark: What would happen if I kissed you really hard right now?
Raina Troy: If I didn't kill you, Issac definitely would.
Sebastian Stark: Fair point.

Sebastian Stark: Stephanie's a notorious skirt-chaser. I tried to warn you.
Madeline Poe: Actually, she's kinda hot.

[to Trevor]
Sebastian Stark: If you ever put my daughter's life at risk, I will cut your heart out, and I will feed it to you. Are we clear?
[Trevor wants to answer]
Sebastian Stark: Shut up!

[to Teddy Banks]
Sebastian Stark: You may think you fight dirty, but trust me, you ain't seen nothing yet.


"Shark: Starlet Fever (#1.14)" (2007)
Casey Woodland: Judge Watkins will never go for it.
Sebastian Stark: I can get a hundred lawyers in here who can tell me what they can't do. Get it done!

[Julie says she has been asked for America's Next Top Model]
Sebastian Stark: Let me make this clear: the answer isn't just no. If there's a word *beyond* no, that's what it is.

[to Casey]
Sebastian Stark: You're sweet... you need to get over that.

[about a totally unbelievable witness]
Sebastian Stark: I can resurrect him.
Jessica Devlin: According to the Bible, you need three days for that.


"Shark: Backfire (#1.17)" (2007)
Mayor Manuel Delgado: Since the cops hate your guts, no one is going to question the integrity of this investigation.
Sebastian Stark: You know, I think there's a compliment in there somewhere.

Angela Corbin: You played me like a fiddle.
Sebastian Stark: As I recall, that used to turn you on.

Julie Stark: Dad, I need a lawyer.
Sebastian Stark: Look in the yellow pages under, "L".

Sebastian Stark: How'd your hearing go?
Julie Stark: I got my licence suspended for 90 days and I have to do 180 hours of community service.
Sebastian Stark: But if you do all that, which you will, your arrest gets expunged.
Julie Stark: Huh, that's really comforting.
Sebastian Stark: It ought to be.
Julie Stark: You could have helped me , Dad.
Sebastian Stark: How?
Julie Stark: By getting me a better lawyer, at least.
Sebastian Stark: Lloyd's the best. If you had a bad lawyer, you'd be in jail right now.
Julie Stark: Wait a second. How did you know who I went to?
Sebastian Stark: Did you think I'd let you deal with all this, without checking up on you?
Julie Stark: Checking up on me? Dad! You could have made this whole thing go away.
Sebastian Stark: Easily. But you need to learn that actions have consequences.
Julie Stark: Oh, right. This from the guy who got rich letting criminals go free? Could you be a bigger hypocrite?
Sebastian Stark: Don't you dare speak to me like that.
Julie Stark: What? Now all of a sudden you're going to play father and give me some big lecture?
Sebastian Stark: Every time I take an interest in your life, every time, you push me away. You get in trouble, you run to your mum. You call Isaac, not me. You only want a father when it's convenient for you. But I got news for ya. It doesn't work that way. So when you decide you really want a father, you let me know.


"Shark: Fall from Grace (#1.20)" (2007)
Julie Stark: Sorry I'm late.
Sebastian Stark: 9:30 is "sorry I'm late", 10:30 is more like "I was abducted by aliens".

Sebastian Stark: Nobody's that good, except me and God.

Sebastian Stark: I recently changed my diet. I stopped swallowing my principles.


"Shark: Eye of the Beholder (#2.3)" (2007)
Sebastian Stark: Fuller killed Melissa Kovak to keep her collagen-injected lips sealed.

Madeleine Poe: How'd it go?
Sebastian Stark: Oh, I'll tell you as soon as I pull Judge Futamora's foot out of my ass.

Madeleine Poe: He figures murder is better than alimony.
Sebastian Stark: Can't say the thought has never crossed my mind.


"Shark: Dial M for Monica (#1.9)" (2006)
[a key witness has just been murdered]
Sebastian Stark: I can fix this just as soon as I figure out how to raise the dead.

Monica Tanner: Screw you!
Sebastian Stark: Maybe when you get out. I have a thing for older women.

Monica Tanner: Go to hell!
Sebastian Stark: I have a condo there.


"Shark: Student Body (#2.5)" (2007)
[to Danny]
Sebastian Stark: I'm about to say something you'll probably never hear again, so listen closely. You were right. I was... less right.

[walking onto the tennis court to arrest Kyle Deering]
Sebastian Stark: Kyle Deering?
Kyle Deering: Yeah? Who the hell are you?
Sebastian Stark: John McEnroe, I changed my hair.

FBI Special Agent Oliver Hayes: I'll report you to the Attorney General.
Sebastian Stark: Give Andy my best. Tell him he still owes me $200 from our last round at the Riviera.


"Shark: In Absentia (#2.7)" (2007)
Sebastian Stark: Tell him, I'm in no mood to screw around.
Danny Reyes: He's in no mood to screw around, pal.
Sebastian Stark: In Spanish, genius.
Danny Reyes: I don't speak Spanish.
Sebastian Stark: You're joking, right?
Danny Reyes: Because I'm Reyes? My parents spoke English around the house, alright? I mean I picked up a little from my grandmother...
Sebastian Stark: Then what the hell did I bring you down here in the first place?
Danny Reyes: I was wondering that myself...

Sebastian Stark: When a woman dies violently you look for the boyfriend or the spouse. When a pregnant woman dies violently, we're looking for the dad.


"Shark: LAPD Blue (#1.2)" (2006)
Sebastian Stark: It's good to lose every once in a while. It keeps you grounded. Or so I hear.

Sebastian Stark: Now my problem is I don't believe in God... and he hates me for it!


"Shark: In the Crosshairs (#2.8)" (2007)
[Sebastian tells Leo he knows Leo was the leak to the press]
D.A. Leo Cutler: I don't suppose I could buy you a drink, bury the hatchet?
Sebastian Stark: No thanks, I prefer to get drunk before I get screwed.

Sebastian Stark: Nothing screws up traffic like a freeway shooter.


"Shark: Dr. Laura (#2.4)" (2007)
Sebastian Stark: [to the defense attorney] The next time you take a run at one of my colleagues, I'm gonna climb so far up your backside, we'll be chewing the same piece of gum.


"Shark: Shaun of the Dead (#2.11)" (2007)
Sebastian Stark: Funny thing about loyalty; at the end of the day, the last ass you cover is always your own.


"Shark: Wayne's World 2: Revenge of the Shark (#1.22)" (2007)
Sebastian Stark: Talk to the victim's family; see if she had a link to Callison. Then tell Isaac to find someone, anyone who could have seen what happened here last night. Get me a search warrant to Chez Psycho.
Madeline Poe: Callison's house? What are we going to use for probable cause?
Sebastian Stark: The fact that he's a serial killer would come in handy, don't you think?
Casey Woodland: Callison's acquittal put those five murders out of bounds.
Sebastian Stark: You listen to me: You need probable cause, you manufacture it. We had this guy by the throat. We let him go. This stops now.


"Shark: Porn Free (#1.19)" (2007)
Judge Nicholas: [to Latimer and Stark] Approach the bench.
Aaron Towers: This tape is important with this case.
Sebastian Stark: I'm sorry your honor, but Tyson Shaw is busy being dead right now.


"Shark: Burning Sensation (#2.9)" (2007)
Sebastian Stark: Where are we on ID-ing the second victim?
Raina Troy: M.E.'s working on it, the body was pretty well fried.
Sebastian Stark: Then call Colonel Sanders. Just get me a name.


"Shark: In the Grasp (#1.5)" (2006)
Sebastian Stark: This just in: I'm too good.