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Quotes for
Victor Meldrew (Character)
from "One Foot in the Grave" (1990)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"One Foot in the Grave: The Beast in the Cage (#3.4)" (1992)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: Oh, God Al-mighty!
Margaret Meldrew: Want a sucky sweet?
Victor Meldrew: Sucky sweet! I'll be sucking on that exhaust pipe in a minute, much more of this.

[Victor is stuck in traffic - a man leans out and talks to him]
Salmon: No! Recession, what recession? Not from where I'm sitting. And I've got two salons in North London both doing serious business. The way I look at it is, well, the economy may stop growing, but your hair doesn't, know what I'm saying? So I'm now looking at options for a third outlet in Pimlico. Probably opening next summer. So you just pop along, mention my name, and get a free shampoo and set on the house. Just say you're friends with Mr. Salmon.
[it is then noticed that Salmon is acually talking to two women in the car beside Victor's, but is doing so through Victors car window]
Lisa: Oooh, I don't know.
Carol: Sounds a bit fishy to me.
Lisa: You could be anybody.
Salmon: But you'll just have to trust me, won't you, my sweetheart. I'll tell you what, you can have a full perm for half price. What did you say your name was?
Lisa: Lisa.
Salmon: Lisa. And your friend?
Carol: Carol.
Salmon: Carol. You can have the full works. Cut, dyed and blow dried all at twenty percent discount. And I might even take you out for a drink afterwards; now I can't say fairer than that, can I?
Lisa: How do you know I'm not a natural blonde?
Salmon: Well, that's for you to prove otherwise, isn't it.
Victor Meldrew: Oh, for God's sake! I think I may throw up!
Salmon: Sorry, what's your problem, matey?
Victor Meldrew: Why don't you just dangle your private parts out of the window?

Victor Meldrew: There's a wasp in the middle of this ice cube.
Mrs Warboys: I know. It was the only one left; I didn't think you were all that fussy.
Victor Meldrew: Didn't think I was all that fussy! I'll have a slice of dead rat in it as well if you've got one, please, and a dog turd on a cocktail stick.

Victor Meldrew: [complaining on being stuck for a long time in a traffic jam] I wish I was dead!
Margaret Meldrew: I wish you were dead. Then we might get some peace.

Victor Meldrew: Mirror image of your life really, isn't it? Car journey on a bank holiday. First fifty-odd miles on the go all the way - a sense of direction - bowling along. Get past sixty, everything slows down to a sudden crawl and you realise you're not going anywhere any more. All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything. And you can't turn the clock back. One way traffic just gradually grinding to a complete halt.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: Oh, God, I'm bloody ravenous now. I can't last a moment longer. It's no good. I'm afraid there's only one thing for it: we'll have to eat Mrs Warboys. I know she's a bit gristly but these are desperate times, and as a close friend of the family I'm sure she will agree to do the decent thing and shoot herself. It's either that, or...
Mrs Warboys: Or what, Mr Meldrew?
Victor Meldrew: Or...
[sighs deeply]
Victor Meldrew: Where's the sucky sweets?

Victor Meldrew: [staring at horse-box] Like watching a party political broadcast by Kenneth Clarke.

Victor Meldrew: [turns off radio] God, bloody Derek Jameson. Rather listen to the back end of a horse, thank you very much.
Margaret Meldrew: [doing crossword] What's another name for the dung-beetle?
Victor Meldrew: Gyles Brandreth. Another one I can't stand for love nor money.


"One Foot in the Grave: The Trial (#4.5)" (1993)
Victor Meldrew: I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me, and you know what he's done? He's only planted it in the pan! Yes, actually in the lavatory pan, with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone can be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind.
[pause]
Victor Meldrew: A mistake anyone could have made? Are you stark, sta- I mean, what am I supposed to do, cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire terrier?

Victor Meldrew: [referring to Pepto-Bismol] Never know whether to drink this stuff or clean the windows with it.

[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: Tch. Switchboard operators, say they're going to put you through, then leave you here to rot to death.
[pause]
Victor Meldrew: Speak to you like an insect into the bargain.
[pause]
Victor Meldrew: If I've been cut o- Hello, yes. I don't know if you remember me, Victor Meldrew, the talking cockroach.

Victor Meldrew: [yawns] What makes you yawn, apart from anything starring Robert Mitchum?

Victor Meldrew: Now, where's my flannel got to? I leave it in the rail, and she has to put it away 'so we know where things are'. Well, it doesn't work, does it, cause I bloody well don't know where it is. The riddle of the Bermuda Triangle was finally solved today when it was revealed that Mrs Margaret Meldrew of 19 Riverbank had for the past fifty years been putting all the ships and planes away so we'd know where they were.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: [on phone, yelling] Hello! Yes, I'd like to speak to the manager, please, and quick about it!
Victor Meldrew: Meldrew!
Victor Meldrew: No, he doesn't but he bloody well will shortly.
Victor Meldrew: I'll tell you exactly what the problem is! I have just bought a large loaf of your...


"One Foot in the Grave: I'll Retire to Bedlam (#1.4)" (1990)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: [singing] Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling.
Margaret Meldrew: You must be in a good mood.
Victor Meldrew: Sunday morning, what is there to be miserable about? Sunday morning, the first day of a new week. I'm going to a nice little potter about in the garden where the insanities of life can't possibly upset me.

[last lines]
Margaret Meldrew: Perhaps you should just have an early night tonight. You'll feel better in the morning.
Victor Meldrew: Yes, I expect I will. Good night, then. Oh, if you should hear any sudden screams, it's just me smacking on some aftershave.

Victor Meldrew: [Stuck in the shed due to infestation of bees] Oh god, I wish I was dead! Whose bloody bees are they?

Victor Meldrew: Was it my imagination or have they just started building the worlds biggest sub-atomic particle accelerator to explain the very origins of the universe as we know it?
Margaret Meldrew: What?
Victor Meldrew: Strange then that they can't produce a toilet roll where the perforations are on the same place on either side of the paper.

Victor Meldrew: Butterflies in the stomach, bees in the potting shed, loonies in the lavatory. I wonder what bounteous joys the rest of the week have in store? Bubonic plague? Nest of scorpions in the hoover bag? Late night shopping at Budgeons?


"One Foot in the Grave: One Foot in the Algarve" (1993)
Victor Meldrew: Surely you can't change a lightbulb if you've only got one arm?
Mrs Warboys: [Drunk] You can if you've still got the receipt.

Margaret Meldrew: I wasn't that keen on coming to Portugal at first. But now that we're about to leave, I never want to see the bloody place again as long as I live.
Victor Meldrew: Yes, that's the good thing about a bad holiday, is going home, which is a positive joy. I remember the last time we went on holiday, we came home to find that our house had been demolished.
Mrs Warboys: [laughs] Yes, funny you can laugh about it now, right?
Margaret Meldrew, Victor Meldrew: [They both stare at her angrily, not laughing]
Mrs Warboys: I suppose you can't really.

[Margaret and Victor are in a morgue to identify a body and there is only a human foot]
Victor Meldrew: What is this? A new version of Cinderella by David Lynch?

Victor Meldrew: Yes, everyone else maybe melting to death on the roads but not us! Because we have a car with hair conditionor! I mean what in the name of sanity did they thing we wanted it for? To make sure that the roof rack was more shining and managable?

Margaret Meldrew: [about Mrs Warboys] I just cannot believe she was left there like that, in that condition. Next to a complete sheer drop. In total darkness!
Victor Meldrew: Yes, well there's no point blaming yourself.
[Margaret turns to him, stammering in anger and disbelief]
Margaret Meldrew: I wouldn't put it past you to have thust her up in a sack and thrown her in!
Victor Meldrew: Oh for goodness's sake!
Margaret Meldrew: You have never liked the woman, as long as you've known her! To you, she was just a jibbering old bat, who popped round twice a week to polish off our digestive biscuits!


"One Foot in the Grave: We Have Put Her Living in the Tomb (#2.2)" (1990)
Victor Meldrew: [talking in his sleep] Not with the pastry... Not with the pastry!
Margaret Meldrew: For God's sake, shut up!
Victor Meldrew: [waking up] What's the matter?
Margaret Meldrew: Will you stop going on about that bloody pastry every time you fall asleep?
Victor Meldrew: Pastry? Why on earth would I talk about pastry in my sleep?
Margaret Meldrew: I don't know.

[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: [on the phone] Mel-drew!
Victor Meldrew: Who? Well, put Mavis on, then.
Victor Meldrew: I don't care is she is reproofing a yashmak; I want to speak to her.
[to Margaret]
Victor Meldrew: Usual performance. She takes my ticket, disappears for half an hour, comes back. "Do you remember when you brought them in?" "Yes, last Thursday." Off she goes again, comes back. "What colour were they?" "Light grey." Off she goes again. still com- Hello!
Victor Meldrew: Yes, I have got them here at home with me. I'm just wondering what idea of this rather offensive piece of paper I just found speared to the hook.
[reads]
Victor Meldrew: "This garment was extremely badly soiled and bore stains of an unusually resilient nature."
Victor Meldrew: What's it got to do with you? I bring my trousers in, I expect them to be dry cleaned, not reviewed in print by the laundry critic of the Sunday Times. You might as well get Bernard Levin to do an essay in my socks and be done with it.
Victor Meldrew: Yeh! That's just the sort of remark I expected. I don't know why I bother.

[last lines]
Margaret Meldrew: By the way, I meant to tell you, I got another tortoise. I took it round to them this afternoon. They don't suspect a thing, so don't you say anything, right? Let's just let sleeping dogs lie.
Victor Meldrew: I rang her up this morning just after you'd gone. I told her it was dead.
Margaret Meldrew: But she didn't... oh... No.

Victor Meldrew: If that's another man that looks like Buddy Holly trying to sell us Sky Television tell him that we're both blind and deaf. We don't need one of his satellite dishes. I'll weld a bidet to the side of the house and it will be less of an eye sore


"One Foot in the Grave: The Exterminating Angel (#5.6)" (1995)
Margaret Meldrew: What time's your appointment with the dentist this morning?
Victor Meldrew: 11.30
Margaret Meldrew: Thank God for that. I've seen enough of those temporary crowns to last me a lifetime. It's like being kissed good-night by Bugs Bunny.

Margaret Meldrew: You haven't forgotten we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight?
Victor Meldrew: I try to forget we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight, like you try to forget you're going to die, but it doesn't work. I wonder what hideous novelties they'll have brought back from their holidays this year? Another souvenir photograph printed on the back of a lavatory seat? I can't believe that pair sometimes.

[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: Unbelievable! I mean, look at that! Wandering about his bedroom without a stitch on. Naked as the day he was born; talk about being an exhibitionist. I thought he'd one of those balloon animals tied to his waist when he first walked in.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: I think this time we've been lucky, actually. I can't see any damage, can you?


"One Foot in the Grave: Beware the Trickster on the Roof (#3.5)" (1992)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: [singing] People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.
[doorbell rings]
Victor Meldrew: Yut-sun dah dah dah dah dah-di.
[opens door]
Woman at Door: Good morning!
Victor Meldrew: Good-bye.
[closes door]

Margaret Meldrew: Dustmen still haven't been. I take it you were finished with those Sunday supplements.
Victor Meldrew: Yes, I think so, yes; I think I've ingested all the fascinating details in a day in the life of Acker Bilk. And 'A Room of My Own' by Ken Russell. Wouldn't have thought there was much to say about a padded cell.

[last lines]
Nick Swainey: Makes you wonder. Must be someone up there looking after us. Do you reckon, Mr Meldrew?
Victor Meldrew: Yes.
[sees Patrick storming towards him]
Victor Meldrew: Well, some of us.

Margaret Meldrew: Well? Any joy?
Victor Meldrew: I think it's safe to say I've had a very good day, all told. In the morning, I turned some water into wine, and then I healed a few lepers, and after lunch, I popped over and parted the waters of the Red Sea.
Margaret Meldrew: Did the man come about the roof?
Victor Meldrew: No, but you can't expect miracles.


"One Foot in the Grave: Love and Death (#2.5)" (1990)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: Unbelievable! Didn't you see what she was reading, at her age? Unbelievable!
Victor Meldrew: What about her at her age?
Victor Meldrew: 'The Joy of Sex'. That old woman sitting next to me. I didn't know where to put my face.
Margaret Meldrew: Well, it doesn't seem to have put you off finding words for this brain-teaser. Key word 'undemocratic'; what have you got? Mount, mate, moan, mound; ride, rude, crude, nude; rod, ram, nut; rat. Nice, cute, round, dome. And dormice. Very Freudian.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: Should be home by seven, easily. I thought perhaps, uh, we might have an early night tonight.
Margaret Meldrew: That'd be nice.

April Bluett: Here he is. Oh Victor, over here. We are at the captains table. Everything alright for you?
Victor Meldrew: Generally speaking, no. I have just been into the bathroom in the top landing and discovered a dead seagull in the lavatory.
April Bluett: [laughs] You see what I mean. It doesn't matter what he says. He's got that dry wit.
Victor Meldrew: I'm not joking. It's in there. I lifted up the seat and there it was staring at me. One of its feet caught in that little lemon freshner thing.
April Bluett: [April continues to laugh]
Victor Meldrew: I'm being serious for god sake.
April Bluett: Oh dear. What really? It must have flown through the window and fallen in the bowl
Victor Meldrew: Well, I didn't imagine that it had come out of someones bottom. I just wanted to know what you were going to do about it - out of general academic interest.

Victor Meldrew: Where have you been all day? Joyriding about the place?
Margaret Meldrew: Here and there you know. Down the front, around the shops, bought a few cards. What about you?
Victor Meldrew: Me? Nothing much, I was force fed Weetabix puree and sentenced to death, an average day really.


"One Foot in the Grave: Rearranging the Dust (#5.4)" (1995)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: One thousand five hundred and ninety... two.
Margaret Meldrew: What?
Victor Meldrew: Leaves on that plant. There was only one thousand five hundred and *three* when we came in.
Margaret Meldrew: Don't talk such utter drivel.
Victor Meldrew: I'm telling you!
Margaret Meldrew: It's artificial.
Victor Meldrew: Is it?

Victor Meldrew: There's a spider in my flies. Look at that; there he goes, just struggling to get in through the buttonhole.
Margaret Meldrew: You sure he's not struggling to get out?
Victor Meldrew: There's nothing inside there that a spider wouldn't want to see.
Margaret Meldrew: I expect. Be at home among the cobwebs.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: You were always my first choice.
Margaret Meldrew: Was I? You've never said that before.
Victor Meldrew: No, well.
Margaret Meldrew: Oh, I suppose there's lots of things you never say. That you think about saying and something always crops up. Life goes on. Somehow you never quite get round to putting it into words.

Victor Meldrew: I can only think of one thing worse than dying. And that's living forever. I mean, can you just imagine how terrible that would actually be?


"One Foot in the Grave: The Valley of Fear (#1.3)" (1990)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: That's the last time I go out photographing badgers.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: What the hell can I smell by this sideboard?

Margaret Meldrew: [after finding a dead cat in the freezer] I've come over all cold!
Victor Meldrew: *You've* come over all cold?

Margaret Meldrew: You know he can't smell a thing Jean, not since that accident up his left nostril last Summer.
Mrs. Warboys: Ah well, that was asking for trouble wasn't it. You should never try and sniff a live wasp Mr Meldrew. It's a well known fact.
Victor Meldrew: I was not sniffing a live wasp. What do you think I am, some sort of village idiot? I was smelling a Rhododendron. I didn't see the wasp until...


"One Foot in the Grave: The Return of the Speckled Band (#1.6)" (1990)
[first lines]
Margaret Meldrew: So, how's the food poisoning now?
Margaret Meldrew: Oh, comes and goes when it thinks it will, you know. One minute I'm fine and the next minute... unh.
Margaret Meldrew: Violently sick.
Mrs. Warboys: Umh. This is nice; what is it?
Margaret Meldrew: Well, I got the recipe from my- Oh, how was it?
Victor Meldrew: Yes, very nice, very nice with my grey coat.
Margaret Meldrew: Try it more at an angle. You've got it jammed on there like an aerosol cap. You need it more to one side.
[she adjusts his hat]
Margaret Meldrew: There. Makes you look more distinguished.
Mrs. Warboys: Very smart. He looks like President Gorbachev.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: I suppose I am worrying about all this unduly, as usual. When you actually get to it, things often aren't as bad as you expect, are they? No, you're quite right, Margaret. I think I'm going to be all right on this plane trip after all.

Victor Meldrew: OH MY GOD, NO!
Margaret Meldrew: Whatever is it? What's happened?
Victor Meldrew: Gloria Hunniford is on breakfast television.

[after the dustman spots a python slythering up Victor's stairs]
Dustman: [in a strong Geordie accent] You sly old bugga you! You're not tellin' me you're keeping snakes like that in ea!
Victor Meldrew: Y-y yes... well thank you very much for the...
Dustman: When saw that going up the stairs I told the sly old bugga! I keep them meself ya kna! Oh yeah I got seven ya kna, I've fouwa tanks, fouwa tanks. I've got two upstairs and two doonstairs. I've got three wattlesnakes, two whipsnakes, a boomslang-a, a rear fang, an un, an un, listen to this! A rhombic night adder.
Victor Meldrew: [not taking in a word he's saying] I see.
Dustman: And by the luck of it mate, it's a cunny little sample an all, I'll tell ya. But if I was yu, I'd-a put it back in the tank ya kna, shoulda put it back in the tank. Cause they like to get in the hoos, ya kna! They wander aboot! They gaw all over the place if you let them! Ya kna what I mean?


"One Foot in the Grave: Timeless Time (#2.6)" (1990)
[first lines]
[Victor is tossing and turning]
Margaret Meldrew: Try counting something.
Victor Meldrew: Yes. I'll try counting my blessings.
[short pause]
Victor Meldrew: Well, that didn't take very long.

[last lines]
Margaret Meldrew: You won't be able to have porridge for your breakfast tomorrow; we're out of milk.
Victor Meldrew: Hmph. I'll have powered.
Margaret Meldrew: We're also out of porridge.
Victor Meldrew: Aaaah. Well, I'll have something different.
Margaret Meldrew: What?
Victor Meldrew: Hmmmmm. I think I might try worms and toast for a change.
Margaret Meldrew: We'll open a new can in the morning.
Victor Meldrew: Yes, we always seem to.

[after Victor has entered the room after going outside to turn the alarm off]
Margaret Meldrew: Victor, what on earth's that you got on your foot?
Victor Meldrew: Where?
[she turns the light on, then screams]
Margaret Meldrew: You've got your foot in a rotting hedgehog!

Victor Meldrew: When you think about it, nothing ever exists, in fact. I was working this out in the post office as I was waiting for that woman to finish twanging her elastic bands. The future doesn't exist because it hasn't happened yet; the past doesn't exist because it's already over. But the present doesn't exist, because as soon as you start to think about it it's already in the past. Which doesn't exist any more.


"One Foot in the Grave: Dramatic Fever (#2.3)" (1990)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: I'm really glad we arrived back to find this half-eaten double whopper with cheese lying in my front rose-bed. Some people put manure in theirs, but I'll have none of it. A double whopper with cheese is the thing. Harry Wheatcroft swears by them.

Margaret Meldrew: I presume Nick Stacey gave you his verdict on that overflow pipe in the loft.
Victor Meldrew: He did, yes.
Margaret Meldrew: Told me the pipe was a complete write-off. "Corroded away to begorra," he said.
Victor Meldrew: "Buggery" I think you'll find.
Margaret Meldrew: Sorry?
Victor Meldrew: Corroded away to buggery. It's a technical term they use in the plumbing industry.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: Right. We're back, everyone. Who's for a double whopper?


"One Foot in the Grave: The Big Sleep (#1.2)" (1990)
Margaret Meldrew: She's dead!
Victor Meldrew: She can't be dead! She's the bloody health and fitness instructor!

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: Here we are. Where are you hiding this morning? Bet you're thirsty, little thing.

Victor Meldrew: Well that's another evening of rip roaring humdingery entertainment drawn to a close then!


"One Foot in the Grave: Alive and Buried (#1.1)" (1990)
[last lines]
Margaret Meldrew: You've got a whole new life ahead of you, Victor. I mean, huh, you've hardly started. You've got it all still to come.
Victor Meldrew: Yes, that's what scares me.

Mrs Warboys: His hair always looks nice. I wonder what he washes it with.
Victor Meldrew: His vest and his socks; what do you think he washes it with?
Mrs Warboys: What are you saying? It's not real?
Margaret Meldrew: Of course it's real; look at the parting.
Victor Meldrew: That's not a parting. That's a crease where it's folded up in the box; are you blind?

Victor Meldrew: [Victor comes in the house after picking up his car from the garage]
Margaret Meldrew: Any luck?
Victor Meldrew: Yes, at long last. They had to put in a new clutch, a complete new gearbox and four new tyres. I don't know why they didn't stick a new car on to the wing mirror and be done with it


"One Foot in the Grave: Descent Into the Maelstrom (#4.2)" (1993)
[Mrs Warboys was meant to get Victor's dry-cleaning. But instead brought back a gorilla costume]
Victor Meldrew: What's this!
Mrs Warboys: Oh, yes. She said they got almost all the beetroot out if you didn't look too closely. Myself, I can hardly see a thing.
Victor Meldrew: No! This! I mean... It... It isn't my suit!
Mrs Warboys: Isn't it?
Victor Meldrew: Of course it... Where in the name of sanity did it come from?
Mrs Warboys: Oh, don't tell me they mixed up the tickets again.
Victor Meldrew: Mixed up the... You must have seen it as a mistake when you brought it out!
Mrs Warboys: Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?
Victor Meldrew: Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A's!

[first lines]
Margaret Meldrew: Will you just leave that for tonight!
Victor Meldrew: Here we go; look. Three... two... one... Look at that. Look! At! That! All the models on the market, we have to end up with a waste disposal unit that can't keep its food down.

Victor Meldrew: [about Margaret] Doctor says it's nervous exhaustion mainly. Been building up over the last thirty-five years. I don't know what he meant by that.


"One Foot in the Grave: The Worst Horror of All (#3.6)" (1992)
[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: Seventy-two hours of non-stop madness, misery, and mayhem, beyond all belief.
[sighs]
Victor Meldrew: At least we've escaped from the worst horror of all.
[Victor opens the door and enters the living room]
Wilfred, Mildred: Surprise, surprise!

Margaret Meldrew: We'll be out tomorrow evening with Jean at the BBC.
Victor Meldrew: Ye-es. I expect she's booked us into another real side-splitter, has she? Like the last show I went up there to see, it was supposed to be a glitter evening at Television Centre; the most exciting moment was urinating next to Peter Sissons.


"One Foot in the Grave: Only a Story (#5.2)" (1995)
Mrs Warboys: [about the film they just watched] Why did those detectives ask David Dimbleby for his sperm?
Victor Meldrew: To eliminate him from their inquiries.
Mrs Warboys: Oh, I see.
Victor Meldrew: The police can use sperm now as a way of fingerprinting people.
Mrs Warboys: [with a long face] Don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads.

[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: Well, that's that over for another year. The joyous ritual of our annual pilgrimage to see great-aunt Joyce. Gets more like entering a mummy's tomb every time we go there.
Margaret Meldrew: Is it my imagination, or has it got cold in here?
Victor Meldrew: Still, these'll be a real godsend, won't they! A pair of gloves with six fingers in each hand. Trying to tell me I'd grow into them. What's she going to knit for me next time, a balaclava with two heads?


"One Foot in the Grave: Threatening Weather (#6.4)" (2000)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: Oh, misery me.

Margaret Meldrew: [the power comes back] At last!
Victor Meldrew: The relief!
[the power goes back out again]
Victor Meldrew: I do not believe it!
Margaret Meldrew: False alarm.


"One Foot in the Grave: Secret of the Seven Sorcerers (#4.6)" (1993)
Victor Meldrew: One thing you can be sure about in life: just when you think that things are never ever going to get better, they suddenly get worse.

Fire Officer: Now then, you've now idea who these pranksters are, then, that keep ringing us up.
Victor Meldrew: No! Presumably somebody I've annoyed in the past who's trying to get their own back.
Margaret Meldrew: We've drawn up a short list of five thousand names.


"One Foot in the Grave: The Eternal Quadrangle (#1.5)" (1990)
[first lines]
Art Teacher: Now, you see, if you follow the actual curve of the thigh right the way up to the waist, you can see it's- Mr Meldrew.
Victor Meldrew: [looking away] Mm?
Art Teacher: You can see that it's actually a virtual right-angle. There, you see?
Victor Meldrew: Yes.
Art Teacher: Now, look at *her* thighs, and look at *your* thighs.
[Victor grunts]
Art Teacher: Not at the floor, Mr Meldrew, at her thighs. There aren't any thighs on the floor, are there?
Victor Meldrew: No.

Victor Meldrew: I'm going down to the phone box to try and get through to someone helpful at British Telecom. I'm sorry, I seem to be uttering the demented gibberings of a madman.


"One Foot in the Grave: In Luton Airport No-One Can Hear You Scream (#2.1)" (1990)
[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: Twenty-five years it took to grow that apple tree. I planted it in the spring of 1965. Feeding it, spraying it, mulching the soil, watering it through the droughts, giving it an annual dressing of potash and hydrogen every January. Not one sodding apple.
Margaret Meldrew: Come on, let's go plant another one.

Victor Meldrew: [Looking through paper] Your fortune in the stars. Virgo. You will come back today from your holidays. Receive an extremely unpleasant rectal examination from three men in peaked caps. Your luggage will go missing in the other side of the world. Your house will be completely consumed by a hideous fire ball. You will end up tonight freezing to death on a demolition site dressed as the Sisco Kid. Absolutely uncanny. He's hit the nail right on the head and no mistake. I will never call Russell Grant a vacuous lump of whale blubber ever again.


"One Foot in the Grave: The Broken Reflection (#3.3)" (1992)
Victor Meldrew: I noticed those women are still hanging about in there. Might as well hang a red light over the front door and be done with it.
Margaret Meldrew: What? Prostitutes?
Victor Meldrew: Prostitutes? I didn't know whose price list to ask for first. Skirts up to their nostrils; you know damn well they're not waiting for crispy duck.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: Something the matter?
Patrick: [looks at hose] There was one slight, small question that was bothering me, yes, but I don't suppose it really matters much, one way or the other.
Victor Meldrew: What question's that?
Patrick: I was just wondering how you're going to get the end of this hosepipe out of your bottom.


"One Foot in the Grave: Hole in the Sky (#5.5)" (1995)
Margaret Meldrew: I've told you I am having no more of it.
Victor Meldrew: I was just going to do a little bit of poached salmon for lunch. Nothing complicated; nothing that's going to smell.
Margaret Meldrew: That's what you said about the squid in Stilton sauce, and they had half the road up outside looking for a gas leak,

[last lines]
Margaret Meldrew: Victor! If you're opening up that hatch, he says be careful because they've just put a bag of plaster inside the counter...
Victor Meldrew: Fine!


"One Foot in the Grave: The Pit and the Pendulum (#4.1)" (1993)
[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: [to the grandfather clock] Not yet you don't, matey.

Victor Meldrew: Get your bloody nose out of that bread bin!


"One Foot in the Grave: Who Will Buy? (#2.4)" (1990)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: Who do you reckon did it, then?
Margaret Meldrew: His nephew Basil.
Victor Meldrew: Why?
Margaret Meldrew: Because, when they found the old man's body in the herb garden, that's what he was clutching in his hand, a piece of basil.
Victor Meldrew: Haaaah. Lucky he wasn't killed by his uncle *Dick*.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: What would make an old man like that suddenly part with all the money he's got in the world?


"One Foot in the Grave: Hearts of Darkness (#4.3)" (1993)
Victor Meldrew: What language are you talking in now? It appears to be Bollocks.

Victor Meldrew: Oh, I very nearly forgot.
Miss Lander: Nearly forgot what?
Victor Meldrew: I very nearly forgot to call you an evil loathesome bastard. I wouldn't treat a sewer rat the way you treat these people and I shall be talking to the social services department first thing in the morning, to tell them about the sickening brutality that goes on around here in the name of geriatric care!
Miss Lander: I have to look after the welfare of all my residents, not just one or two! You haven't the first understanding of the way their minds work, or the destructive behaviour they're capable of!
Victor Meldrew: I'm sorry? Uh, what language are you talking in now? It appears to be BOLLOCKS!


"One Foot in the Grave: The Affair of the Hollow Lady (#5.3)" (1995)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: The absolute limit that was. You wouldn't believe that anyone could pick their nose all the way through 'Dances with Wolves', would you? Three and a half hours I had to sit next to that. And always the right nostril; he never touched the left one. Always the one at *my* side! You'd think he was digging the channel tunnel. Really. Come on, what's the matter? I'm ruddy freezing out here.
Margaret Meldrew: It won't turn! It's jammed again, bloody thing!
Victor Meldrew: You're joking, surely. Here, give it here. I managed it this morning by jiggling slightly to the... Little bugger! Turn for God's sake!
Margaret Meldrew: Two hundred and sixty pounds we paid for this. A complete set of new locks so secure that even we can't get in! Good old Yellow Pages.

[last lines]
Victor Meldrew: There aren't many wives who'd forgive me for going round to her house in the first place, even just to watch football.
Margaret Meldrew: Wouldn't they?
Victor Meldrew: I mean, at least we're a bit more mature than that.
Margaret Meldrew: Yes.
[Victor screams in pain]


"One Foot in the Grave: Who's Listening" (1990)
Margaret Meldrew: [Talking about Cilla Black] She's got a very infectious laugh.
Victor Meldrew: So has a hyena with anthrax.


"One Foot in the Grave: The Man in the Long Black Coat" (1991)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: [looking out of the bathroom window] There's a rat going up his front lawn, now.
Margaret Meldrew: [cleaning the bath tub] I could stuff a mattress with your pubic hair!


"One Foot in the Grave: Tales of Terror (#6.2)" (2000)
[first lines]
Victor Meldrew: [angrily on the phone] Oh is that right, Mr Blizzard? Well funnily enough, the fact that you've got it "firmly in hand" does not surprise me at all. It's something I would expect from a complete and utter wan...


"One Foot in the Grave: Dreamland (#3.2)" (1992)
Victor Meldrew: Then I'm going up to town to buy that Noel Edmonds sweater.
Margaret Meldrew: I see. Just to be obstinate you're going to pollute the environment with that eyesore, are you? Off a knitting pattern from hell. It's a wonder the girls who handle them aren't given safety goggles.


"One Foot in the Grave: Warm Champagne (#4.4)" (1993)
Victor Meldrew: [sees a trolly on top of a chimney of a nearby house] Welcome back to suburbia.


"One Foot in the Grave: Starbound" (1996)
[after accidently destroying Patrick's boss's new summer house while driving recklessly on a motomower]
Victor Meldrew: It's alright! I think I've got the hang of it now!