Henry Spencer
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Quotes for
Henry Spencer (Character)
from "Psych" (2006)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Psych: Poker? I Barely Know Her (#1.14)" (2007)
Henry Spencer: [about Shawn's office] Is this all there is?
Shawn Spencer: Actually, this is the satellite office. Main headquarters is in an underground ice cave Gus and I sculpted last winter.
Henry Spencer: What about your license?
Shawn Spencer: My pilot's license? It's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked - problems at the Kazakhstan border. I'd give you the details, but then I'd have to kill you... which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.

[Henry has shown up unexpectedly at Shawn's office]
Henry Spencer: So this is how you spend your days.
Shawn Spencer: Oh my God! Dad, what are you doing here?
Henry Spencer: Nice. Is that the way you greet all the people who come through your door?
Shawn Spencer: That's exactly how I greet everyone. Maybe that's why business is down.

Shawn Spencer: Gus, Henry vouched for me.
Henry Spencer: I did not vouch for you.
Shawn Spencer: You were bragging on me. You have a Dad-crush on me.
Henry Spencer: Shawn, I was not bragging on you! I merely restated stats about your track record that are in the newspaper.
Shawn Spencer: Let's hug it out.
Henry Spencer: Put your arms down.
Shawn Spencer: Give me a hug.

Henry Spencer: Well, well. Don't you look like hell.
Shawn Spencer: I know I look like hell, Dad. Everyone who gets up at this hour looks like hell, with the possible exception of Matt Laurer and Diane Lane.

Henry Spencer: If I had known that Peterson was going to insist on hiring you, I would have blasted your character outright, and I would have mentioned your unnatural fear of pointy things.
Shawn Spencer: Ah! *Distaste* for pointy things.

Henry Spencer: What about your licence?
Shawn Spencer: My pilot's licence? Out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my licence to kill? Revoked. Problems at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details, but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my licence to kill has been revoked!

Henry Spencer: Just because you *can* do something doesn't always mean that you *should* do it.

Henry Spencer: Are you going to invite me in?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Oh, yeah. Please--
Shawn Spencer: Whoa! This could be a trick. What's the rule with vampires? Don't they have to be invited in?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What are you talking about, Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: Gus, you've seen "Lost Boys" fourteen times. What's the rule?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You're on your own, Shawn.


"Psych: Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered! (#3.5)" (2008)
Henry Spencer: I'm a taxpaying, voting citizen, therefore I have a right to speak to *any* elected official, such as the D.A., I please.
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] You don't *have* to be a taxpaying, voting citizen, though, do you?

Burton 'Gus' Guster: [undercover in ugly, 1970's-era clothing] I feel ridiculous.
Henry Spencer: Speak for yourself. I've got this shirt at home.

Shawn Spencer: All right, how much money do we have between us?
Henry Spencer: What? Oh, uhhhh... I got - I think I've got about... fifty bucks.
Shawn Spencer: Um-hmm.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I got about four hundred between my wallet and my sock.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [Shawn and Henry stare at Gus] It's my "just in case" money!
Shawn Spencer: All right. Add in what I have, and we've got about... four-fifty.

Henry Spencer: [wants to see a case folder] You're lucky I'm even asking you, Shawn. I could do this the simple way. I could grab it from you, clean up any evidence of a struggle before you and your little friend here knew what hit ya!
Shawn Spencer: In some states, that's called child abuse.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I think all of them.

D.A. Assistant: May I help you?
Shawn Spencer: Yes. My name is Shawn Spencer, I am the head psychic for the Santa Barbara Police Department. And that is my partner...
Henry Spencer: [impatiently] Yeah, yeah, that's his partner, Methuselah Honeysuckle, which makes me Old Scratch Johnson.

Henry Spencer: So what kind of wood are we gonna use for these bookshelves, Gus?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Uhhh... cypress.
Shawn Spencer: Cypress? Really?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's a good wood. It's what Noah's Ark was made of.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Enough! I'm sick of you two fighting all the time. Look, Mr. Spencer, Shawn needs you on the case because, frankly, you're old, and we were barely even alive during the seventies. Shawn, your dad needs you on the case because even though you can be extremely annoying, you actually have a brilliant idea every now and then. But you're both too damn stubborn to admit that you need each other. Now, can we go, please? Thank you.
[Gus gets in the car]
Henry Spencer: Is it he always such a know-it-all?
Shawn Spencer: You don't know the half of it. Very preachy.


"Psych: The Old and the Restless (#2.12)" (2008)
Henry Spencer: My son, the super sleuth, can't even get himself access into an old folks' home.
Shawn Spencer: No, no, no, Dad. You have no idea what we're up against, okay? I tried everything. I tried the whole "I'm a travelling doula" bit, the "dingo ate my baby" routine, "hiding Gus in a sack" trick, which never fails...

Henry Spencer: Six a.m. Sharp.
Shawn Spencer: No, that's too early.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: How about nine?
Henry Spencer: Nine's a little late.
Shawn Spencer: Come on, guys, let's be reasonable. Just split the difference, okay? Call it eleven-fifteen.
Henry Spencer: Six it is.

Henry Spencer: Alright, look. What the hell are you guys doing here?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: This is the part where you get blindsided with Plan B. It's kind of fun when it's not happening to me.

Henry Spencer: I'll be your Talmadge McGooter.
Shawn Spencer: McGregor.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: McGulager.
Shawn Spencer: Exactly.
Henry Spencer: I'll be all those guys and I'll have this case solved by lunch.
Shawn Spencer: Considering they eat lunch here at 10:15, I'm gonna say we'll have it done by 9:45.
Henry Spencer: You're on.
Shawn Spencer: *You're* on!

Buddy: Hey, Tallmy, who is this?
Henry Spencer: Oh, that's my so... ah, grandson, Shawn, and his... Gus.

Shawn Spencer: [while on a stake out] You sure you want to park this close, Dad? We're almost a quarter of a mile away.
Henry Spencer: Shawn, we're exactly where we should be to get a read on the situation.
Shawn Spencer: I can literally see the curvature of the Earth from here.


"Psych: The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable (#3.4)" (2008)
Henry Spencer: [in his answering machine message] You've reached Henry Spencer. Leave your name and number, but speak slowly because people talk too fast in these things and I can never understand it.

[first lines]
Henry Spencer: [in an interrogation room] Don't say a word.
Shawn Spencer: [pause] Fergulous.

Karen Vick: Now, Mr. Spencer...
Shawn Spencer, Henry Spencer: Yes?
Karen Vick: Oh, I meant the older... sorry, not "old", less...
Shawn Spencer: Handsome? Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?
Henry Spencer: Less nose?
Shawn Spencer: Ooh!

Jack Spencer: I guess you are wondering why I came back. I want you to help me find Bouchard's treasure.
Henry Spencer: Come on. Not that again, Jack. I hate to break it to you, little brother, but Bouchard's treasure does not, has not, and will not ever exist. It's a pipe dream.
Shawn Spencer: Don't listen to him, Uncle Jack. He's a dream killer.

Henry Spencer: We didn't do anything wrong. We didn't break any laws... Oh no. Oh no! What - what did you do, Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: Nothing. It's just that laws keep changing. It's getting very challenging to keep up with them all.

Henry Spencer: What are you doing here, besides breaking into my house?
Jack Spencer: Breaking in? You gave me a key, Henry.
Henry Spencer: I didn't give you a key. I don't give anyone keys, not even Shawn.
Shawn Spencer: Oh, that's not true. I actually made a copy a while back. It was while I was hooked on Wow! Wow! Wobbzy! on Noggin. I didn't have cable. Oh, I also stole your toilet paper for about a year. And a hug box of sporks.


"Psych: Dis-Lodged (#2.14)" (2008)
Shawn Spencer: I want the truth. What really happened to my cat Chairman Meow?
Henry Spencer: You want answers?
Shawn Spencer: I want the truth!
Henry Spencer: You can't handle the truth!

Henry Spencer: I'm not a pet-killer, Shawn. Chairman Meow is living very happily in a retirement home in Ojai. And I don't want to burst your bubble, but Chairman Meow...is Chair*woman* Meow.

[young Shawn and Gus are starting a club]
Henry Spencer: You know, a club needs regulations, bylaws. You guys got any rules?
Young Gus: Yes. No girls!
Young Shawn: And everybody has to be under twelve. No old guys.
Young Gus: And they have to have a love of correct grammar.
Young Shawn: That's not a rule!
Young Gus: You said we could have one special rule. That's mine.
Young Shawn: And that's the best rule you could think of?
Young Gus: I think you mean, that's the best rule *of which* you could think.
Young Shawn: [gets up] I'm not being in a club with this!
Young Gus: Fine! I don't need you and your misplaced prepositions!

Henry Spencer: This is not the time for your shenanigans.
Shawn Spencer: It was a single shenanigan. Technically more of a hijink.


"Psych: Lights, Camera... Homicidio (#2.13)" (2008)
Henry Spencer: First off, your accent is terrible. It's disgraceful, really. You sound like that El Pollo Loco guy. And then, there you go, turning your back on Reynaldo even after he defended you when you were accused of Maria's kidnapping. Come on!
Shawn Spencer: First of all, I am *trying* to sound like the El Pollo Loco guy. And secondly, Reynaldo turned his back on me when he slept with Maria in the first place.
Henry Spencer: Oh, come on, he would have given you half the reward money. Where's your integrity? It makes you look like such a bad person!
[pause]
Shawn Spencer: I'm Shawn. Those are things my character, Chad, did. I play him on TV. It's Shawn. Shawnie. Look into your boy's eyes.
[puts his hand on Henry's shoulder]
Shawn Spencer: It's me, Papa.
Henry Spencer: [shakes off Shawn's hand] Don't be an idiot. I'm not one of your fans. I barely even like you.

Henry Spencer: [after the telenovela's fans chant for Shawn's character "Chad"] How do you have fans? This is asinine. You started on the show five days ago.

Henry Spencer: [watching Shawn struggle on live TV without cue cards] Ah, high school Spanish comes back to haunt him.

[Shawn has to re-enter the scene before he can remove the real nails from the "prop" nail gun]
Quintessa Gabriel: [Spanish] Oh, there you are, my dear. Here, hand me the nail gun.
Shawn Spencer: [English with heavy Spanish accent] Okay, here you go. But do not point this at me because is mucho dangerioso.
Quintessa Gabriel: [Spanish] I know that, my darling.
Shawn Spencer: [English, Spanish accent] Yo se that you know, but seriously, be very carefulio. You could muerteme with this thing because it is realio!
Quintessa Gabriel: [Quintessa wrestles the nail gun out of his hands. In English:] I love the improv, the passion.
[Points the gun at him. In Spanish:]
Quintessa Gabriel: Of course it's real! As real as you cheating on me with my sister Serena, and getting her pregnant!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [Watching from beside the camera] Shawn's the father of Serena's baby!
Shawn Spencer: [Normal accent, whisper] Please put that down, woman, it's loaded with *real* nails!
Quintessa Gabriel: [In Spanish] And it's you that killed Vincente!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn, watch out! Watch out!
[Shawn ducks behind a chair, Quintessa fires and misses, Shawn sees the real murderer and figures it out]
Shawn Spencer: [English, Spanish accent] No! You are wrong! I am not a murderero! But I know who iso! Yes: your twin sister.
Quintessa Gabriel: [Spanish] I don't have a twin sister.
Shawn Spencer: [English, Spanish accent] Yes, what I mean is, someone who wants to be your twin sister. Someone who wants to be you!
Lance: [Watching on TV in jail] I definitely did not write this.
Quintessa Gabriel: [English] Okay, I don't get it.
Shawn Spencer: [English with accent] No, it's like, uh
[Spanish]
Shawn Spencer: beautiful girls... drinking... beer on the beach...
Director: My God, he's improvising!
Shawn Spencer: [Still Spanish] with homicide... uh...
[English with accent]
Shawn Spencer: Uh, can't do this... you make a translation for me, yeah?
[Whispers in Quintessa's ear]
Henry Spencer: [Watching on TV at home] Ah, high school Spanish comes back to haunt him.
Quintessa Gabriel: [In English, pointing at Kelly] She did it!
Director: Pan over! Pan over!
[Pan to shot of Kelly by the crafty table]
Shawn Spencer: [Normal accent] After all that you just point at the murderer? Don't you have any sense of dramatic tension or build? Come on, what are we, on "Blossom"? No, you start by saying she was your biggest fan, you know? That she practically worships you, and that she read all the scripts. I got this, I got this.
[Back to Spanish accent]
Shawn Spencer: You! Yes you! You hated it whenever Corrin was put into jeopardy! So you took it upon yourself to avenge her!
Kelly: I had to! She cares too much! Her heart is too big for her chest!
[Shawn glances at Quintessa's chest and shakes his head]


"Psych: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He's Dead (#1.11)" (2007)
Shawn Spencer: What is that?
Henry Spencer: What?
Shawn Spencer: [picks up a bottle] Exfoliating scrub... with pumice.
Henry Spencer: Whatever, Shawn. All I know is when I varnish my boat and I don't want it to streak, I sand off a layer first. Same thing goes with tanning.
Shawn Spencer: That is the single most disturbing analogy I've ever heard in my entire life.

Shawn Spencer: [sniffs] What is that?
Henry Spencer: What?
Shawn Spencer: That smell, it's like a... it's like gardenia with a hint of mango.
Henry Spencer: What?
Shawn Spencer: [horrified] Oh my God... did you take a bath?
Henry Spencer: Yes, Shawn, I took a bath.
Shawn Spencer: With bubbles?
Henry Spencer: It's this new soap that I'm using. It foams more.
Shawn Spencer: "It foams more"? Dad, it's called bubble bath!
Henry Spencer: Well, I don't think it's officially called bubble bath if the bubbles happen accidentally, but whatever, Shawn.

Shawn Spencer: Where are they?
Henry Spencer: Who?
Shawn Spencer: The "Queer Eye" guys. I know they're here somewhere. Gus, what are their names?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: How am I supposed to know, Shawn?
Henry Spencer: Carson and Jai... and the guy with the glasses.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Oh, yeah, who cooks the fish.
Henry Spencer: Right.

Henry Spencer: All right, tell me. What's the name of this kid who hit you?
Young Shawn: Elizabeth.


"Psych: Gus's Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy (#2.10)" (2007)
[Shawn and Henry are exchanging gifts]
Henry Spencer: Go on, shake it, rattle it, feel it, sniff it, do whatever the hell you want with it before it goes in that stocking. Then you've got one week to figure out what it is.
Shawn Spencer: Dad... this ridiculous competition means way more to you than it does to me.
Henry Spencer: That's why you haven't won since you were eight years old.
Shawn Spencer: Christmas '92 was a draw, you know that!

Henry Spencer: As a rule, you never want to get involved in a case where personal relationships are involved.
Shawn Spencer: Dad, I think I can handle it.
Henry Spencer: What if Gus's dad is guilty?
Shawn Spencer: Are you out of your mind? How could you even say that?
Henry Spencer: See, right there, that's what I mean. Right there, Shawn. You've already made your decision irrespective of the facts. You have already compromised this case.
Shawn Spencer: Compromised *why*? Because I'm not afraid of my own emotional attachments? I'll have you know I view that as a tool in my problem solving, not a liability.
Henry Spencer: With that kind of lame-ass thinking, I can see why you were never a detective.
Shawn Spencer: And I can see why you ended up a divorced detective!
[pause]
Shawn Spencer: [checks his watch] My God... we went almost three hours without having an argument.
Henry Spencer: Hmm. It's our best holiday in years, huh?

Henry Spencer: Well, Shawn, looks like another draw this year.
Shawn Spencer: Yes, it appears so.
[Shawn opens his present]
Shawn Spencer: Oh, look at that! Little "Psych" golf balls.
Henry Spencer: I also signed you up for lessons with the golf pro at the Santa Barbara Municipal Course.
Shawn Spencer: Aww, that's sweet, Dad, thank you. All right, your turn.
Henry Spencer: Oh... all right. No idea what this is.
[Henry opens his present and finds a folded square of paper]
Henry Spencer: What is this?
[unfolds the paper]
Henry Spencer: [reading] "Dear Dad, You got me 'Psych' golf balls and golf lessons with the pro down at the Municipal Course."
Shawn Spencer: Turn it over, turn it over, turn it over!
[Henry flips over the note]
Henry Spencer: [reading] "I believe his name is Pierre."
Shawn Spencer: BOOYAH! I got you, old man!


"Psych: Rob-a-Bye Baby (#2.8)" (2007)
Henry Spencer: This was not a crime of chance, Shawn... that house was chosen for a reason.
Shawn Spencer: [in a dramatic tone] There can only be one.
Henry Spencer: What?
Shawn Spencer: What? I thought we were doing lines from Highlander. My bad.
Henry Spencer: Let's get out of here.
Shawn Spencer: [in a Scottish tone] Wait. That sensational feeling? That is the quickening.
Henry Spencer: Everyone can do Connery. Your Lambert sucks.
Shawn Spencer: At least I have a Lambert...

Henry Spencer: All right, which one?
Shawn Spencer: [points to a house] That one.
Henry Spencer: Yeah? Well, that's a stupid house to rob.
[beat]
Shawn Spencer: Does anyone live up to your standards? Maybe we can get ahold of the burglar's number. You can call him, tell him how disappointed you are.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: You mean, after I scoured the city and couldn't find anyone, you just stumbled upon a nanny responsible enough for chief Vick?
Shawn Spencer: That I did.
Henry Spencer: [holding and talking to the baby while attracting a whole group of nannies in the play yard] Give me a little... whoop... whoop.
Shawn Spencer: And you gotta admit - the man knows how to work a baby.
Henry Spencer: [suddenly spots Shawn] Shawn!
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] Don't look back. Just keep walking.
Henry Spencer: Shawn! Shawn! Where are you going? Come on, you said five minutes! Don't... Don't you dare leave! Shawn!
Henry Spencer: [suddenly looks at the baby] I'm smelling something really foul coming out of this thing!


"Psych: Ghosts (#3.1)" (2008)
[in 1995 after Henry opens the door to the stolen car Shawn and his girlfriend are in]
Shawn Spencer: Whoops.
Henry Spencer: Whoops?
Shawn's Girlfriend: It's my neighbor's car. We were gonna put it back. It was just a dare.
Shawn Spencer: Is there a problem here, officer?
Henry Spencer: You wanted my attention, Shawn. You got it, buddy.
Shawn's Girlfriend: Wait. You guys know each other?
Henry Spencer: Yeah, he's sorta my dad.

Henry Spencer: You want me to give you a hand, hon?
Madeleine: Did you just call me "honey"?
Henry Spencer: [quickly] I did not. I was going to say... hunchback.

Shawn Spencer: [sizing up Henry] The aftershave. The pumiced scalp. The suit.
Henry Spencer: I can wear a suit!
Shawn Spencer: Which one of the Three Tenors did you borrow it from? Not the dead one, I hope.


"Psych: American Duos (#2.1)" (2007)
Henry Spencer: I've got an ice-cold can of whoop-ass just sitting in that fridge!
Shawn Spencer: Actually, it's diet whoop-ass.

Henry Spencer: Take it off!
Nigel St. Nigel: No!
Shawn Spencer: Uh, Dad? I think he's going commando under there.
Henry Spencer: No, he's not.
[looks at Nigel, who smiles]
Henry Spencer: What kind of sick bastard goes commando underneath another man's robe?

Henry Spencer: That's it - take off the robe! Wearing that robe is a privilege and you, pal, have just lost it!
Nigel St. Nigel: I steadfastly refuse. This is the plushiest, most opulent robe I've ever had the pleasure of wearing.
Henry Spencer: Well, there's one thing we can agree on. Now give it up.
Nigel St. Nigel: No. I feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy


"Psych: Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion (#2.15)" (2008)
Shawn Spencer: Look, I don't care what you do, okay? I don't care! I just don't want to hear about it. So don't call me on the phone, asking me for advice... and *don't* expect me to meet you and your new dominatrix girlfriend for dinner!
Henry Spencer: Kid, this isn't easy for me, either.

Henry Spencer: Thanks for coming, son.
Shawn Spencer: You said it was important.
[sees Henry's tight black turtleneck]
Shawn Spencer: Clearly, you're about to shoot an Old Spice commercial.

Henry Spencer: [about his upcoming date] Should I take her to Crab Shack Willy's or The Third Wharf?
Shawn Spencer: Those can't possibly be real places.


"Psych: Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder (#2.6)" (2007)
Henry Spencer: [reading his horoscope] Sagittarius: Please return the BB gun you confiscated from your son in the second grade. P.S. You are a cranky-pants.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: The cops already have a suspect, but we're pretty sure that Chef Antonio was framed.
Henry Spencer: Well, then I assume you know all about the veggie burger incident.
Shawn Spencer: Of course we know about the veggie burger incident, Dad. We're professional detectives.
[beat]
Shawn Spencer: Gus?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Googling it.

Henry Spencer: A couple of months ago, vegetarian customers at Antonio's Restaurant started complaining about how bad the vegetarian burgers were. Now, in my opinion, you eat a burger without beef in it...
Shawn Spencer, Henry Spencer: You've lost the right to complain about flavor.
Shawn Spencer: Heard that speech before. Just call someone a hippie and get to the point.


"Psych: Weekend Warriors (#1.6)" (2006)
Henry Spencer: The truth, Shawn. You're not really my son, are you? Because I gave you a watch with the inscription "Don't Lose", and what is the first thing that you do?
Shawn Spencer: I lose the watch.
Henry Spencer: You lose the watch.
Shawn Spencer: Well, here's a newsflash, Dad. My birthday wasn't yesterday, okay? It was four months ago.
Henry Spencer: Yeah, well, here's a newsflash for you, kid. After you were born, it took you four months to smile at me. That's when the clock started ticking.

[a jeweller is suggesting inscriptions for Shawn's pocketwatch]
Henry Spencer: "Love, Dad"? Yeah, well, why don't you just write, "Kissy, kissy"?

Henry Spencer: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. Who?
Young Gus: Isaac Newton. Third law of motion.
Henry Spencer: And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone? Shawn?
Young Shawn: You push. They push back.
Henry Spencer: Correct. Why?
Young Shawn: Because man is a stupid creature who would rather fight than use his brain.
Henry Spencer: And what idiot said that?
Young Gus, Young Shawn: You did.


"Psych: Murder?... Anyone?... Anyone?... Bueller? (#3.2)" (2008)
Henry Spencer: Life is not made up of a single moment, it's made up of a gazillion moments. What defines us is the choice we make in the next moment, and the one after that. These moments, Shawn, they're happening, they're all around us all the time. You're having one right now.

Madeleine: [proudly, after listening to Shawn's summation] Oh, Henry! We must have done *something* right.
Henry Spencer: That was all you.
Madeleine: You know that's not true.


"Psych: If You're So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead? (#2.7)" (2007)
Henry Spencer: [points to Shawn's knight] What do you call this piece?
Young Shawn: I call it Dwight.

Young Shawn: [playing chess with his dad] Oh what's the term?
Henry Spencer: Shawn..
Young Shawn: Oh yeah,
[smiles]
Young Shawn: checkmate.


"Psych: The Head, the Tail, the Whole Damn Episode (#4.15)" (2010)
Henry Spencer: [referring to Lassiter] Wait a second, are you working with Detective Dipstick on this?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You're calling him that too?
Henry Spencer: I tried not to. It just rolls right off the tongue.

Henry Spencer: [to Shawn] Did you just pretend to be a psychic to *me*?


"Psych: 65 Million Years Off (#2.2)" (2007)
Henry Spencer: Shawn, what are you doing?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yeah, what are we doing, Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: I need to borrow some tools.
Henry Spencer: What kind of tools?
Shawn Spencer: Digging tools.
Henry Spencer: Are you still on the dinosaur thing?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: We're still on the dinosaur thing?
Shawn Spencer: What, is there an echo in here?

Henry Spencer: You still haven't answered the question of why he dug all those holes around the house.
Shawn Spencer: Dad, that's the finale. That's why I don't invite you to these things.


"Psych: Shawn Takes a Shot in the Dark (#4.9)" (2009)
Henry Spencer: [running through the woods, with a breathless Lassiter behind him] Think you can pick up the pace... Mr. Viability?
Carlton Lassiter: There's an excelent chance I was bitten by a tick back there. I think I'm going through the beginning stages of Lyme's Disease.
Henry Spencer: [frowns] Man up, detective!
Carlton Lassiter: Steroids, right? You're juicing, aren't you? I knew it!

Henry Spencer: [Shawn has just jumped onto Lassiter's moving car] Hang on tight! Hold on! Hold on!
Shawn Spencer: Great idea, Dad! I was thinking of *not* doing that!


"Psych: Earth, Wind and... Wait for It (#3.12)" (2009)
Henry Spencer: Can you even name a famous fireman?
Young Shawn: ...Smokey the Bear?
Henry Spencer: First of all, Smokey the Bear is not a fireman. Number two, he's not real. Number three, HE'S A BEAR! He takes his poops in the woods, is that what you want?

Henry Spencer: I warned you Shawn, fire fighters are trouble. I did everything in my power to keep you off of the pole!
Shawn Spencer: And you succeeded dad... in every conceivable way.


"Psych: Game, Set... Muuurder? (#1.13)" (2007)
[Shawn finds Henry and Lassiter having lunch together]
Henry Spencer: Shawn! What are you doing here?
Shawn Spencer: I don't know. I guess I took a wrong turn and ended up in the Twilight Zone.

Henry Spencer: Shawn never really was one for roughing it. We went camping once. Found him curled up in his sleeping bag because a raccoon was hunting him.
Shawn Spencer: Stalking me. The raccoon was stalking me, Dad.


"Psych: Ferry Tale (#5.7)" (2010)
Henry Spencer: This is Henry Spencer.
Shawn Spencer: Dad, listen up and listen carefully. Gus and I are on a ferry for some ridiculous environmental cleanup.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Do not editorialize, Shawn.

Henry Spencer: Shawn, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands.
Shawn Spencer: Got it. We're gonna have to take matters into our own hands.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Are you sure that's what your dad said?
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be the one game at Chuck E. Cheese that isn't broken. By the time the cops arrive, these prisoners will be half-way from here to the Pacific Ocean.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Half-way from here to the Pacific Ocean IS the Pacific Ocean.


"Psych: Scary Sherry: Bianca's Toast (#1.15)" (2007)
Henry Spencer: Scary Sherry Kratic was rehabilitated and I'm pretty sure she's married and living in Fresno. Come on, guys, give me some more credit here! I have no idea how that ridiculous urban legend got started in the first place.
[Henry walks away]
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] You got a big ass mouth.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I wanted to keep it a secret! You're the one who was broadcasting it at the lunch table.
[pause]
Shawn Spencer: I can't believe this.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: We actually started an urban legend.
Shawn Spencer: That's dope!


"Psych: Zero to Murder in Sixty Seconds (#2.4)" (2007)
Shawn Spencer: I don't know, I just imagined my best work would be more complicated, you know? More intricate, important, and just more... more.
Henry Spencer: As always, you go after something for the flash, for the excitement, and when you finally get it, you're never satisfied. It always needs something more.
Shawn Spencer: That is categorically untrue.
Henry Spencer: Your best case, what does it need? It needs more excitement. Your first bike, what did it need? More reflectors. Well, Shawn, did you ever stop and think that it's your expectations that need to change? Son, look at me. Look, Shawn. Sometimes, a case is just a case.
[Shawn suddenly flashes back]
Shawn Spencer: Wait a second... wait a second, I just figured it out.
Henry Spencer: Wait, wait, don't, Shawn. Don't do this.
Shawn Spencer: Oh, this is so much bigger than we thought. And I was right all along!
Henry Spencer: Shawn, don't you dare! Don't you dare learn a wrong lesson while I'm trying to teach you a right lesson.


"Psych: Christmas Joy (#3.9)" (2008)
Henry Spencer: Yeah, well, fooling around with your best friend's sister certainly wasn't your most brilliant idea.
Shawn Spencer: No, that was the toaster alarm I invented in the third grade that woke you up by smacking you in the face with a waffle.
[pause]
Shawn Spencer: I think I peaked too soon.


"Psych: Spellingg Bee (#1.2)" (2006)
Shawn Spencer: [holding a bag of Chinese food] I need to know what this is.
Henry Spencer: Looks like a number 15 with chicken.
Shawn Spencer: [affectionately] Dad, you made a joke.


"Psych: And Down the Stretch Comes Murder (#2.5)" (2007)
Henry Spencer: Wow, I've never been in the jockey's club before. Thanks for getting me these tickets, Shawn. Good thing we wore our lucky shirts.
Shawn Spencer: Yeah, well, I hope some guy doesn't look at me and have a seizure.


"Psych: Tuesday the 17th (#3.15)" (2009)
[Henry waits for Young Shawn outside of summer camp]
Henry Spencer: Hey, Shawn! Over here, buddy. Hey, how about a big hello for your old man you haven't seen in a week?
Young Shawn: Hi, old man. Can we go now?


"Psych: Death Is in the Air (#4.13)" (2010)
Young Shawn: [Being hosed off] This is humiliating.
Henry Spencer: Not as humiliating as being the parent of the only child sent home from his school with lice.
Young Shawn: This shampoo smells like urinal cakes.
Henry Spencer: Smelling like a men's room is a small price to pay for ridding your scalp of parasites.
Young Shawn: How'd I get lice anyways?
Henry Spencer: You tell me. You come in contact with anything out of the ordinary lately?
Young Shawn: No, unless you count that squirrel with the foamy mouth I've been playing with.
Henry Spencer: Well, it's a good thing they sent you home. All it takes is one unclean child to start a full blown outbreak.
Young Shawn: What's an outbreak?
Henry Spencer: That's when an illness is passed from person to person until it becomes widespread.
Young Shawn: How's it passed?
Henry Spencer: Well, you could come in contact with a sick person or maybe even something they've touched.
Young Shawn: Like a comb?
Henry Spencer: Exactly like a comb. Wait, why'd you say comb?
Young Shawn: Because I used yours this morning.
Henry Spencer: Sha... Shawn?
[Pulls off gloves and scratches his head]
Henry Spencer: Damn it.


"Psych: 9 Lives (#1.5)" (2006)
Henry Spencer: All you gotta do is turn something upside down to make it right side up.
Young Shawn: And then...
Henry Spencer: you get your prize!


"Psych: Cloudy... With a Chance of Murder (#1.12)" (2007)
Shawn Spencer: Dad, they took my bike!
Henry Spencer: Tell it to the embassy.
Shawn Spencer: And I... I might not be able to get it out of the impound.
Henry Spencer: No? Then maybe it's time for you to consider a real mode of transportation, huh?
[beat]
Shawn Spencer: You will do anything you can to impose your will on me. You hated that bike. You have always hated that bike. And you've been especially hard-assed about it since I...
Henry Spencer: Since what, Shawn? Since you what? Since you had your accident, is that it? Is that where your old man crossed the line? Fine, I'll tell you what: I will back off. I'm gonna lay off, man. I'll tell you what you do: You take me off your call list when the ambulance picks you up and brings you in that door. All right? Fair.
[Henry turns away]
Henry Spencer: Get over yourself, kid. Or at least learn how to park.


"Psych: There's Something About Mira (#2.11)" (2008)
Henry Spencer: Now listen, we don't get to go out very often, so I want you to order something special. Harbor Grill is one of the nicest restaurants in Santa Barbara.
Young Gus: I'm gonna have nachos!


"Psych: Psy vs. Psy (#2.3)" (2007)
Shawn Spencer: Dad, I'm confused. These are plans for a wet bar.
Henry Spencer: Yeah, that's right. For entertaining.
Shawn Spencer: Right, but I don't see anywhere in the plans the portal into 1976.


"Psych: Romeo and Juliet and Juliet (#5.1)" (2010)
Shawn Spencer: All right, what the hell was that about?
Henry Spencer: It's my job to determine if we need a consultant, and right now, I don't see the need for one.
Shawn Spencer: You've had five opportunities to hire us. Now what is this really about?
Henry Spencer: Are you familiar with the term "persona non grata"?
Shawn Spencer: Why are we talking about food?
Henry Spencer: Shawn, there's a reason they created the position I'm in. You burned a lot of bridges around here. You made a lot of sloppy mistakes. You're gonna have to earn your way back. Things are going to be different now.
Shawn Spencer: It's so unfair.
Henry Spencer: Is it?
Shawn Spencer: Yeah. My results speak for themselves. You just hold me to a different standard.
Henry Spencer: I... I do not.
Shawn Spencer: You buried my Easter eggs five feet underground.
Henry Spencer: And I left loose dirt to indicate a fresh dig.
Shawn Spencer: Yeah, under a camoflauge tarp covered with bricks and broken glass.
Henry Spencer: That was the giveaway. Oh, pardon... Pardon me for trying to challenge you.
Shawn Spencer: It took me three weeks to "close" the egg investigation. I was eight.
Henry Spencer: Yeah, well, just so you know, there's still two eggs you haven't found.
Shawn Spencer: You're sick.


"Psych: Any Given Friday Night at 10PM, 9PM Central (#3.13)" (2009)
Henry Spencer: We got the game ball!
Young Shawn: *I* got the game ball.


"Psych: A Very Juliet Episode (#4.12)" (2010)
Henry Spencer: You sat there and ate Munchos while I called my contacts in Sacramento.
Shawn Spencer: I was on the missing persons website.
Henry Spencer: The band Missing Persons.


"Psych: An Evening with Mr. Yang (#3.16)" (2009)
Henry Spencer: [sitting outside the car where Madeleine has a bomb strapped to her] Maddy?
Madeleine Spencer: Henry?
Henry Spencer: Yeah, it's me, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere.
Madeleine Spencer: All right. Then I won't either. Besides, I don't really have anything better to do right now.


"Psych: The Devil Is in the Details... And the Upstairs Bedroom (#4.4)" (2009)
Henry Spencer: Oh, let me guess, relationship trouble?
Shawn Spencer: Yeah. I hate when we fight.
Henry Spencer: I'm sure she feels the same way.
Shawn Spencer: I'm not talking about Abigail, I'm talking about Gus.
Henry Spencer: So am i.


"Psych: There Might Be Blood (#3.6)" (2008)
Henry Spencer: I think I got a friend over here, Captain Dale, might be able to help you out. Course you'll have to do some chores.
Shawn Spencer: Chores?


"Psych: Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger (#6.10)" (2012)
Shawn Spencer: Ah, it's like my dad here says all the time, please, help me with my pants for I can no longer control my bowels.
Henry Spencer: I don't say that.
Shawn Spencer: Come on up here.
Henry Spencer: I don't want to.
Shawn Spencer: Come on, bring me my envelope. It's gonna clear up all kinds of mysteries. Give it up, ladies. And that dude in the third row. How'd he get the invite? I didn't know there were gonna be any-My dad! My dad. He's almost always wrong.
Henry Spencer: He cried at Benji: The Hunted.
Shawn Spencer: It's because he was being hunted.
Henry Spencer: He's afraid of racoons.
Shawn Spencer: Because they're terrifying, and wear little masks.


"Psych: Not Even Close... Encounters (#5.3)" (2010)
Juliet O'Hara: Aren't you forgetting something?
Carlton Lassiter: No.
Henry Spencer: Hey!Hey!
[Henry tries to open the locked door]
Carlton Lassiter: Chief said we were supposed to let him drive around with us, let him get to know our process. We are not currently driving.
Juliet O'Hara: You need to stop taking your frustration with Shawn out on Henry.
Carlton Lassiter: Better him than the neighbor's cat
[Lassiter reluntantly walks over to open the door for Henry]
Henry Spencer: I coulda suffocated in there!
Carlton Lassiter: Please I cracked the window.
Henry Spencer: I'm glad that Shawn peanut buttered your phone the other day.
Carlton Lassiter: I knew that was him.
Juliet O'Hara: GUYS!
Carlton Lassiter: I still have jiff in my ear.