DS Ben Jones
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Quotes for
DS Ben Jones (Character)
from "Midsomer Murders" (1997)

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"Midsomer Murders: Death in the Slow Lane (#14.1)" (2011)
[last lines]
[SPOILER ALERT!]
[DCI Barnaby confronts the murderer who strings him up from the rafters of a barn and prepares to kill him. DS Jones gets there just in the nick of time and pushes the murderer to the floor]
DCI John Barnaby: Ahem.
DS Ben Jones: [Jones looks upwards and sees Barnaby. He suppresses a smirk] Oh.
DCI John Barnaby: Have you killed him?
[Jones checks for a pulse]
DS Ben Jones: No.
DCI John Barnaby: Good.
DS Ben Jones: Should I, uh...
[Jones mimes taking photographs]
DCI John Barnaby: Get me down?
DS Ben Jones: You know, I should get some photos of the crime scene.
DCI John Barnaby: Not if you ever want to have children.
[later, Barnaby and Jones are walking to the car]
DCI John Barnaby: Tom said you were the right stuff.
DS Ben Jones: Thank you, Sir.
DCI John Barnaby: Of course, if word of my, um, "suspension" ever gets out...
DS Ben Jones: Oh I don't suppose it will, Sir.
DCI John Barnaby: Good.
DS Ben Jones: Not while my career maintains its steady upward trajectory.
[they both chuckle]

[Jones catches Barnaby talking to his dog about the murder case]
DCI John Barnaby: Ah, Jones. Can I help?
DS Ben Jones: [diffidently] Sorry, I thought you were talking to someone.
DCI John Barnaby: I was talking to this dog. He's a Sprechhund - that's German for a dog you talk to.

DS Ben Jones: The DCI was on holiday so I was running things.
DCI John Barnaby: Tom took a holiday?
DS Ben Jones: Joyce threatened him.

DS Ben Jones: Poor kid. Still, family money, good lawyer, should see her right.
DCI John Barnaby: Are you serious? She's lying through her perfect little teeth.
DS Ben Jones: Really?
DCI John Barnaby: Yes!
DS Ben Jones: Well, she seemed genuine to me.
DCI John Barnaby: That is because she is a pretty girl, and you are a young man and your brains are still in your trousers.
DS Ben Jones: Thank you, sir.
DCI John Barnaby: I, on the other hand, being a dessicated old goat, don't fall for that crapola for one second.
DS Ben Jones: Oh, good.

DCI John Barnaby: I hate coincidences.
DS Ben Jones: So did your predecessor.
DCI John Barnaby: Right. He taught me: John, if it smells...
DS Ben Jones: it's probably off.

DCI John Barnaby: It isn't always the poor preying on the rich. Sometimes the water runs uphill.
DS Ben Jones: Sorry?
DCI John Barnaby: Lao-tzu. He founded Taoism.
DS Ben Jones: Not around here, he didn't.

DS Ben Jones: [to Barnaby about the school] The place isn't too bad. Only a handful of idiots.

DS Ben Jones: Are you interested in classic cars, sir?
DCI John Barnaby: Only if it's got a flashing light and gets me home quickly,

DS Ben Jones: [after Jessica has shown them both a dvd of her having sex] I feel terrible. I virtually told her she was a slag.
DCI John Barnaby: Well, we all can't be sensitive, caring, and diplomatic. Sometimes we're just woodentops.


"Midsomer Murders: Days of Misrule (#11.6)" (2008)
CS John Cotton: You've had a similar incident of arson recently.
DS Ben Jones: Yeah, that'll be...
DCI Tom Barnaby: Polter, the pyromaniac. I'm fairly sure it wasn't him.
CS John Cotton: Fuzzy logic, Tom. Gut instinct can let you down; systems won't.
DS Ben Jones: We banged Polter up last Wednesday, sir.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Jones.
DS Ben Jones: Yes, sir!
DCI Tom Barnaby: I'm not going to get you tarred and feathered and sent to traffic, all right?
DS Ben Jones: You're not?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No.
DS Ben Jones: I thought I'd dropped you in it with the Boy Wonder, sir.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, yes, you did. But your candour merely hastens the inevitable.

DS Ben Jones: [Wearing a blindfold] Can't see a thing!
DCI Tom Barnaby: [Sarcastically] Something to do with wearing a blindfold.

DS Ben Jones: Don't look now, sir, but we're being watched.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Where?
DS Ben Jones: One o'clock. Big man in red.
[Barnaby looks in the direction and sees a plastic Santa on the roof of a house]
DCI Tom Barnaby: [sarcastically] Oh, you're full of fun today, Jones.

DS Ben Jones: You're being bailed, not released, Mr Parkes. Better stay out of trouble.
James Parkes: Is that an official warning or a personal threat?
DS Ben Jones: Both.

DS Ben Jones: Well, that's my Christmas Eve stuffed the wrong way up the chimney, sir. How about yours?


"Midsomer Murders: Blood Wedding (#11.2)" (2008)
[Jones is interviewing guests at the wedding]
DS Ben Jones: If I could start with you, Mr Colk-key-hown.
[stunned silence]
DS Ben Jones: Mr Colk-key-hown?
Randall Colquhoun: [patronisingly] It's pronounced "Co-hoon".
DS Ben Jones: You're the best man, I gather.
Randall Colquhoun: I *was*.
DS Ben Jones: A friend of the family, then?
Randall Colquhoun: No, sworn enemy! What do *you* think?
Harry Fitzroy: Look, we have family matters to discuss. Do we really have to do this now?
DS Ben Jones: Yes. And I'll also need to talk to the vicar who was just here.
Harry Fitzroy: Who? Uncle Marcus?
DS Ben Jones: But I'm happy to start with you - and Mr Colk-key-hown.

DS Ben Jones: Not very talkative, are they, the Fitzroys?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Old families, Jones. In a house this size there are many cupboards.
DS Ben Jones: And many skeletons.

Sally Fielding: You've got a very suspicious mind.
DS Ben Jones: I'm a police officer. 'Suspicious mind' is on my CV.

DS Ben Jones: Been getting a lot of this 'Upstairs, Downstairs' stuff, sir.

DS Ben Jones: [to Barnaby] It's typical of the upper classes. If it's not fox hunting or polo, it's sex.


"Midsomer Murders: The Dark Rider (#15.1)" (2012)
[talking about Barnaby, who has just discovered that a supposed murder victim has probably died of natural causes due to a congenital heart abnormality]
DS Ben Jones: He hates accidents. Makes him feel superfluous.

DCI John Barnaby: [arriving at Quitewell Hall] Modest little place.
DS Ben Jones: An Englishman's castle is his home.
DCI John Barnaby: Been saving that one, have you?
DS Ben Jones: For years, sir.
DCI John Barnaby: I wish you'd saved it a bit longer.

DS Ben Jones: The DeQs have been having an ongoing row with their neighbours the Fleetwoods, who they fought in some battle during the Civil War, whenever that was.
DCI John Barnaby: Sixteen forty-two to sixteen fifty-one.
DS Ben Jones: Wow. That's some row.

Diana DeQuetteville: Half the village children look remarkably like my late husband.
DS Ben Jones: You didn't have any children together?
Diana DeQuetteville: [pauses to reflect] I think I might have noticed that.

[last lines]
DS Ben Jones: There's a report just came in.
DCI John Barnaby: Oh, yes?
DS Ben Jones: Three people claim they saw the headless horseman in the last half hour. What's that about?
DCI John Barnaby: That is a sense of community, Jones. One goes mad, they all go mad. It's a wonderful little world out here.


"Midsomer Murders: A Rare Bird (#14.8)" (2012)
DS Ben Jones: You don't think Nina Morgan would go for someone as rough as Dave Foxely, sir?
DCI John Barnaby: Ever read 'Lady Chatterley's Lover', Jones?
DS Ben Jones: Only... bits.

Michael Hipsman: You're welcome to browse. I have a very good crime fiction section.
DS Ben Jones: I've enough of the real thing. Thank you.

DCI John Barnaby: I was thinking of something rather more, um, spiritual; something of the unattainable object of desire.
DS Ben Jones: Out of my depth there, sir.
DCI John Barnaby: Jones, you'd be out of your depth in a puddle.

[last lines]
DCI John Barnaby: Cheers, Jones. Well done.
DS Ben Jones: To a very rare bird.
DCI John Barnaby: Th the beautiful Nina, who for a moment there was almost a dying swan.
DS Ben Jones: I didn't mean Nina. I meant our feathered friend.
DCI John Barnaby: Aaah, of course, to her. To the blue-crested hoopoe, s very rare bird indeed.


"Midsomer Murders: Shot at Dawn (#11.1)" (2008)
Kate Hammond: Well, if you really must know, around that time I was having a bit of a serious snog.
DS Ben Jones: Can I have the gentleman's name?
Kate Hammond: The gentleman's name was Caroline.
DS Ben Jones: Caroline!
[she just looks at him]
DS Ben Jones: Oh.

DS Ben Jones: You don't have to look quite so smug, sir.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Of course I *do*. It's one of the perks of experience.

WPC Gail Stephens: [about Barnaby] Is he on to something?
DS Ben Jones: I'm never quite sure.

DS Ben Jones: So what's in there?
[reaches for box lid]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Hey-ey-ey.
[stops Jones opening it]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Do you know what a MacGuffin is?
DS Ben Jones: No.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, it's one of them.


"Midsomer Murders: Death in Chorus (#9.7)" (2006)
DC Ben Jones: Do you think there was some tension between Mr and Mrs Barker?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, just a bit. She'd been crying.
DC Ben Jones: How could you tell?
DCI Tom Barnaby: I've been married a long time, Jones.

DC Ben Jones: Crime of passion?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, people in love do do desperate things.

DC Ben Jones: It's as if he didn't exist before he moved to Midsomer Worthy.
DCI Tom Barnaby: And now someone burgles the dead man's cottage.
DC Ben Jones: Looking for what?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Every man keeps something of his past, Jones.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [as Jones stands by their car sopping wet after being pushed into a pond] What are you waiting for?
DC Ben Jones: A drying wind.


"Midsomer Murders: Dark Secrets (#14.2)" (2011)
DCI John Barnaby: I'm looking for case files from thirty-five years ago.
DS Ben Jones: Anything over ten years old gets sent to the central files warehouse.
DCI John Barnaby: Which is where?
DS Ben Jones: Which is burnt down ten years ago.
DCI John Barnaby: I love this place.

DCI John Barnaby: Is there any young woman round here you haven't dated?
DS Ben Jones: Just looking for the right one. How did you know Mrs Barnaby was right for you?
DCI John Barnaby: She told me.
[He walks away]
DS Ben Jones: [Aloud to himself] Ah, yeah.

DCI John Barnaby: Jones...
DS Ben Jones: Yes, sir?
DCI John Barnaby: This circus... this death in the afternoon... what is it not about? It's not about me. Ergo, therefore in parallel... hmmm?
DS Ben Jones: [Starting to understand his point] It's not about me either.
DCI John Barnaby: It's about mechanics, logistics, evidence, and what sort of salad we make of those wonderful ingredients.
DCI John Barnaby: [Barnaby walks away as the lesson sinks in] Fine, fine... make me feel better then.


"Midsomer Murders: Blood on the Saddle (#13.3)" (2010)
[last lines]
DS Ben Jones: You took a hell of a risk. He could have shot you as soon as you stepped into the yard.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, no no, Jones, that's not the way it works. He called me out, so he had to wait for me to draw first. Code of the West.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Lipstick, Jones, lipstick. Sometimes more lethal than a bullet! Take a couple of potshots at him.
DS Ben Jones: They're blanks.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, we know that, but he doesn't

DC Gail Stephens: Sarge, there's trouble at the Last Chance Saloon.
DS Ben Jones: There would be! Yes.


"Midsomer Murders: The Oblong Murders (#14.4)" (2011)
DCI John Barnaby: The killer was never apprehended.
DS Ben Jones: No.
DCI John Barnaby: I think it's time they were.

DCI John Barnaby: [Surprised to see a vacationing Jones with whisker stubble and sunglasses] Oh, very "Miami Vice!"
DS Ben Jones: Just part of the role playing.

DS Ben Jones: It's sad we met the way we did.
Ruth Lambert: For a while there I thought I might have been the real thing... Ah... I suppose once I've given you this, you'll have got all you need from me, and we'll be able to go our separate ways.
DS Ben Jones: Ruth, Ruth, I'm sorry we met the way we did as well.
Ruth Lambert: Broken... can't be mended. Shame but there we are.


"Midsomer Murders: The Sicilian Defence (#15.5)" (2013)
DS Ben Jones: The Robsons moved here in the 90s when Alan Robson hit it big.
DCI John Barnaby: What's his line?
DS Ben Jones: Computers. He developed a chess game called Knight To King. Made millions.
DCI John Barnaby: Clever man, then.
DS Ben Jones: More like a geek.
DCI John Barnaby: The geek shall inherit the earth!

[last lines]
DCI John Barnaby: "Grieving may be universal, but we must express it in our own unique way".
DS Ben Jones: Sigmund Freud.
[revealing that it was a quotation from his own university thesis "The Birth of Grief, Memory and Loss in Human Evolution"]
DCI John Barnaby: John Barnaby, 1988, Durham University.

DCI John Barnaby: To be young and in love, eh.
DS Ben Jones: Couple of months they'll be nagging each other like the rest of us.
DCI John Barnaby: So cynical!


"Midsomer Murders: Down Among the Dead Men (#9.4)" (2006)
Detective Constable Ben Jones: Sounds good, sir; a trip to the seaside. Should we toss for it?
DCI Tom Barnaby: I already did. I won.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [Viewing the murder scene] Nothing out of place - not even a mark on his blotter.
Detective Constable Ben Jones: Yeah, well, who writes letters these days, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Who knows how to?

Detective Constable Ben Jones: Why does this place make me feel uncomfortable, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [Sarcastically] Oh, sensitive lad like you. Must be the body in the kitchen.


"Midsomer Murders: The Noble Art (#13.6)" (2010)
[Jones is hammering the knocker on a door]
DCI Tom Barnaby: I think you should apply more force.
DS Ben Jones: I'm knocking as hard as I can, sir.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Kick the door down.
DS Ben Jones: Oh!

[last lines]
DS Ben Jones: He got his son's wife pregnant, and gambled away his family fortune, and people like him.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I certainly did.
DS Ben Jones: Yeah. You did screw up, didn't you, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes. Killed two people; carried out those murders meticulously, clinically, right under my nose. What kind of a man does that?
DS Ben Jones: J.P. A pillar of the community.
DCI Tom Barnaby: And certainly not one of us at all.

DS Ben Jones: My family thinks that gambling is like giving money to the Devil.


"Midsomer Murders: The Animal Within (#10.2)" (2007)
DS Ben Jones: Odds on it's loin-instigated; got to be. If it involved Rex. I don't know if it's got anything to do with anything.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Loin-instigated.

DS Ben Jones: Black and white. I suppose that makes it erotica rather than porn. Very tasteful. A bit of extra-curricular photography. Never realized they had such adventurous sex in those days.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Ooh, that's when it was invented, Jones, in the sixties. Do you know nothing?

[last lines]
DS Ben Jones: I think Miss Bailey and Mrs Alexander are going to have a pretty good time.
DCI Tom Barnaby: What, in a loin-instigated sort of way?
DS Ben Jones: I hope so.
DCI Tom Barnaby: It's certainly on the cards.


"Midsomer Murders: Secrets and Spies (#12.3)" (2009)
[Jones' team is losing in a game Barnaby is umpiring]
DS Ben Jones: Whose side are you on, sir?
D.C.I. Barnaby: Same as always, Jones; the side of decency, justice and the American way.

DS Ben Jones: They're all stalling.
D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah. So let us insert some ginger into the appropriate orifices and see if we can make the horses dance.
DS Ben Jones: [Not comprehending the metaphor] What?

DS Ben Jones: They're all stalling.
D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah. So let's insert some Ninja into the appropriate orifices... and see if we can make the horses dance.
DS Ben Jones: What?


"Midsomer Murders: Schooled in Murder (#15.6)" (2013)
Kate Wilding: Put simply, the victim was killed by a blow to the head from a large wheel of cheese.
DS Ben Jones: Hard cheese.

Kate Wilding: What's the occasion?
DCI John Barnaby: Well, uh, fifteen years of married bliss.
Kate Wilding: Ah.
DCI John Barnaby: So, just bring yourselves and a bottle.
DS Ben Jones: Fifteen years. Wow. It's pretty, um...
Kate Wilding: Terrifying.
DS Ben Jones: I was going to say inspiring.

[last lines]
DCI John Barnaby: In a way, you know, this was all your fault.
DS Ben Jones: How?
DCI John Barnaby: I picked up my ring during my lunch hour.
DS Ben Jones: Yeah?
DCI John Barnaby: So, I was admiring the ring in one hand, and I had my sandwich in the other hand, and Sykes at my feet.
DS Ben Jones: How was that my fault?
DCI John Barnaby: Because that was the moment that *you* phoned my up. And somehow in the confusion I fed the rest of my sandwich and the ring to the dog.
[Jones starts to laugh]
DCI John Barnaby: We're not that off duty, Jones.
DS Ben Jones: Look, nature took it's course; there's no harm done.
DCI John Barnaby: And no-one need ever be any the wiser.
DS Ben Jones: Okay.


"Midsomer Murders: Death and the Divas (#15.4)" (2013)
Kate Wilding: I would say that she's been stabbed once with a two-pronged instrument, probably steel.
DS Ben Jones: Not a vampire bite,then.
[to Barnaby]
DS Ben Jones: You must be disappointed.
DCI John Barnaby: But somebody wanted to make it look like one. It's as if they want us to make a connection with the film.
DS Ben Jones: So, who did it in the film?
Kate Wilding: A 300-year-old nobleman, who can only drink the blood of virgins.
DS Ben Jones: Ah, well, I'll keep a lookout.

[last lines]
DS Ben Jones: You were right all along about the movies being the key, sir.
DCI John Barnaby: Ah, I take no pleasure from that, Jones; I'm never going to be able to watch them again.
DS Ben Jones: What about 'The Matrix', sir? Now, there's a good movie. Wow, talk ab...
DCI John Barnaby: No.
DS Ben Jones: You know your trouble, sir?
DS Ben Jones: What?
DS Ben Jones: You're a film snob.
DCI John Barnaby: Oh, Jones!


"Midsomer Murders: Death in a Chocolate Box (#10.8)" (2007)
DS Ben Jones: [Referring to Poulter] I'm guessing he's not so much Royal Mail as blackmail.

DS Ben Jones: You know what I realized?
DCI Tom Barnaby: What do you realize?
DS Ben Jones: We caught the woman who put the psycho into psychotherapy.


"Midsomer Murders: King's Crystal (#10.3)" (2007)
DS Ben Jones: I find Shakespeare a bit hard going, to be honest with you, sir. Bit of a snore.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah, well, four hours on a stone seat in the open air, that'll be hard going all right.
DS Ben Jones: Four hours!
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes, well, unfortunately, Jones, brevity was never the soul of Shakespeare's wit.
DS Ben Jones: Yeah. Sentences longer than Judge Lloyd's.

[last lines]
DS Ben Jones: I appreciated your trust over the Mason's thing.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, trust, Jones, is something hard to win, easy to lose, and never to be taken lightly.
DS Ben Jones: William Shakespeare, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No. Thomas Barnaby.


"Midsomer Murders: The Sword of Guillaume (#13.1)" (2010)
DC Gail Stephens: What you got there?
DS Ben Jones: Couple of years ago the Governor suspected Mayor Hicks of a dodgy property deal, so he's kept this file on him. Complaints mainly. Wants me to search for anything interesting.
DC Gail Stephens: He's obsessed.
DS Ben Jones: No. Just sick of petty corruption downtown. And obsessed.

DS Ben Jones: [to the uncooperative bank manager] The Law is like The Bible. You can always find one quote to contradict another.


"Midsomer Murders: They Seek Him Here (#10.7)" (2007)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Your informant has got to be right, hasn't he, about Ince setting up a job. What other interest could he have in a stately home?
DS Ben Jones: Maybe he's come for a dose of culture and the guided tour. Although George does prefer to guide himself around places like this.
DCI Tom Barnaby: And usually by torchlight when there's no-one else about.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: I think he'd be very pleased, very proud, if he could hear you saying that.
DS Ben Jones: Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, obviously he saved his best performance for last.


"Midsomer Murders: Four Funerals and a Wedding (#9.5)" (2006)
DC Ben Jones: I thought you were keen to get off.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Not particularly. Mrs Barnaby's mother's staying for a couple of days.
DC Ben Jones: Ah.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Cully's turning up, too. It'll be two days of lurid medical discussions, and the footie, if permitted at all, 'll be on the portable in the bedroom.

[DC Jones has been collecting DNA samples]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Successful afternoon?
DC Ben Jones: Like blood out of a stone, sir. And that was the easy bit.


"Midsomer Murders: Written in the Stars (#15.3)" (2012)
[last lines]
DCI John Barnaby: You going out on an undercover job?
DS Ben Jones: No, it's Kate's birthday, sir!
DCI John Barnaby: Ah.
DS Ben Jones: She said come dressed to kill; what d'you think?
DCI John Barnaby: I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead. You left this in the car. So you had Mags do your chart.
DS Ben Jones: No. No, it's a windup; it's rubbish. She got my details off my gran.
DCI John Barnaby: Oh, I thought it was interesting; she predicts a, uh, close encounter for you this weekend.
DS Ben Jones: Yeah, I'll probably crash the car.
[Barnaby chuckles]
DS Ben Jones: So, you're not up for this, then?
DCI John Barnaby: Um, no. Sarah and I thought we'd have a, uh, a quiet night in, just the two of us and a, uh, scented candle.
DS Ben Jones: Well, have a good one.
DCI John Barnaby: You too, Jones. Whatever fate awaits you.

DCI John Barnaby: Anything more on Peter the plumber?
DS Ben Jones: He's on a planet with the pixies, sir. Spent most of the time talking about extraterrestrial life.
DCI John Barnaby: Ah, the Goldilocks Zone. Not heard of it, Jones?
DS Ben Jones: Are we on the three bears now?
DCI John Barnaby: [chuckles] The theory that life may exist on a habitable planet somewhere out there. One that's not too small and not too big and not too hot and not too cold, but... just right.


"Midsomer Murders: Dead Letters (#9.2)" (2006)
DC Ben Jones: She died of natural causes, sir, or do you think we've got some seriously dodgy doctor on our hands?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, he's not like any doctor I've ever known, and he knows much more than he's told us.

[last lines]
DC Ben Jones: Sounds like life goes on in Midsomer Barton.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes.


"Midsomer Murders: The Made-to-Measure Murders (#13.2)" (2010)
DS Ben Jones: Well, something's not right. The vicar says she was going to confess; they say she wasn't.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, that's religion for you, Jones. Brings out the irrational in people.

DS Ben Jones: This village is weird.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Jones, they're *all* weird.


"Midsomer Murders: Echoes of the Dead (#14.3)" (2011)
DS Ben Jones: [Leaving the pub, shaken after being put down by the Rowntrees] They're bad news!
DCI John Barnaby: [Sarcastically] They speak well of you.
DCI John Barnaby: Yeah, well, if I had a degree in psychology, I'd learn how to have things wash over me, but I can't.
DCI John Barnaby: [Sarcastically] Oh, dear, I'm sorry to hear that.

DS Ben Jones: [In a mocking tone after talking to a witness] Maidens chained to rocks? Now there's one for the psychologists!
DS Ben Jones: [sighs disapprovingly] You know something, Jones?
DS Ben Jones: Yes, sir?
DCI John Barnaby: I spent a lot of my time and all of my savings to get my degree. It was important to me... and if it doesn't help me to understand you, it helps me to understand others.
[He walks away]


"Midsomer Murders: Picture of Innocence (#10.6)" (2007)
DS Ben Jones: They found a diary on Bell's body. There's an entry for last night.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, the mystery visitor.
DS Ben Jones: Apparently so.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Who was it?
DS Ben Jones: You, sir.


"Midsomer Murders: The Sleeper Under the Hill (#14.5)" (2011)
[last lines]
Sarah Barnaby: Look! Solid gold. It's part of a Saxon hoard that's lain here for a thousand years. It's a cloak brooch. Beautiful, isn't it?
DS Ben Jones: Worth how much?
Sarah Barnaby: Oh, half a million?
Eric: Easily.
Sarah Barnaby: Maybe more.
[Jones whistles]
DCI John Barnaby: That much? Really. Whoof.
[to Jones]
DCI John Barnaby: Come on.
[slips it in his pocket]
Sarah Barnaby: John. John!


"Midsomer Murders: Left for Dead (#11.3)" (2008)
DCI Tom Barnaby: I want you to do it.
DS Ben Jones: What?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Be best man.
DS Ben Jones: [ironically] "But before I toast the bridesmaids, I'd like to arrest the bride and groom."
DCI Tom Barnaby: If that's what it takes.


"Midsomer Murders: Dance with the Dead (#10.1)" (2006)
Cully Barnaby: Where's Dad's investigation taking place at the moment?
Joyce Barnaby: Some village or other.
Cully Barnaby: You've been conned, Mum.
Joyce Barnaby: What?
[Cully indicates Ben, then goes over to him]
DS Ben Jones: Hi, Cully.
Cully Barnaby: Don't tell me what you're doing here; I've already sussed it.
DS Ben Jones: I'm undercover.
Cully Barnaby: Yes, but your feet give you away.


"Midsomer Murders: The Axeman Cometh (#10.4)" (2007)
DCI Tom Barnaby: How old do you think I am?
DS Ben Jones: I don't know. I've done speed-dating, not carbon dating.


"Midsomer Murders: A Sacred Trust (#14.7)" (2011)
DCI John Barnaby: How many nuns does it take to form a community?
DS Ben Jones: Is this one of those jokes? "How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb"?
DCI John Barnaby: I don't *do* jokes, Jones.
DS Ben Jones: No, sir. I noticed.


"Midsomer Murders: Small Mercies (#12.5)" (2009)
DS Ben Jones: [by a body tied down in a model village] And before anyone asks, sir, his name's not Gulliver.


"Midsomer Murders: The Creeper (#12.6)" (2009)
Hugo Greening: [Referring to the Rembrandt print] I did explain to Jack that the provenance is a mite dubious.
DS Ben Jones: Doesn't that mean it's dodgy?


"Midsomer Murders: Murder of Innocence (#15.2)" (2012)
[last lines]
DCI John Barnaby: Are you OK?
DS Ben Jones: Oh, I'm feeling sick. Ah! It must be a concussion. Did I pass?
DCI John Barnaby: Just.
DS Ben Jones: I feel terrible.
Police Instructor: Well done, gentlemen.
DS Ben Jones: I think I've knackered my ankle.
DCI John Barnaby: My knee's seizing up.
Police Instructor: Well, whatever doesn't kill you...


"Midsomer Murders: Death and Dust (#10.5)" (2007)
DS Ben Jones: I don't go there for three years, then twice in one week. I might get fond of the place. Apply for a transfer.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, don't say that, Jones. Got enough on me plate without losing you.
DS Ben Jones: That could almost have been a compliment.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Almost.


"Midsomer Murders: Talking to the Dead (#11.7)" (2008)
DCI Tom Barnaby: I think, Jones, whatever is in those woods, it's time we met it face to face. C'mon.
DS Ben Jones: Do ghosts have faces?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, I think they do, yes. Except the headless ones.


"Midsomer Murders: The Great and the Good (#12.7)" (2009)
DCI Tom Barnaby: The first time that sleepwalking was used as a defence at a murder trial was Massachusetts, USA, 1846 when a certain Albert Tirrell was charged with murdering a - "a lady of the night" having set fire to her brothel. Hnh. He got off scot-free.
DS Ben Jones: Be different if he set fire to a nunnery.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, so young and so cynical.


"Midsomer Murders: The Black Book (#12.2)" (2009)
Graham Spate: [Speaking about Mathilda] What does she know? She's just a spoiled little daddy's girl.
DS Ben Jones: Oh, I think she's quite interesting.
Graham Spate: Got her hooks into you, has she?
DS Ben Jones: Aha! Is that why you stopped painting?
Graham Spate: No.
DS Ben Jones: So why'd you stop?
Graham Spate: Crime's more... creative.
DS Ben Jones: Well, I'm sorry you think that, Graham. I taught you'd turned a bit of a corner with art. It sort of shines a light into the corner of the dark areas, doesn't it? You never know what you're going to find, do you?
Graham Spate: I suggest you stick toplodding, mate because you'd make a useless shrink.


"Midsomer Murders: The Night of the Stag (#14.6)" (2011)
Dr. Kate Wilding: You all right?
DCI John Barnaby: Oh, an upset stomach; I drank some of the cider and threw up.
Dr. Kate Wilding: Well, try to vomit again if you can; better an empty house than a bad tenant.
DS Ben Jones: Is that what passes for medical advice?


"Midsomer Murders: Vixen's Run (#9.3)" (2006)
DC Ben Jones: [Looking at youthful picture of Lady Lucinda] Whoo! She was quite tasty!
DCI Tom Barnaby: Wasn't she, Jones? Terrible what 30 years of fags and booze can do, no?