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: Yes Inspector, there are only two kinds of people in this world: Those who hear the music and those who don't. Jill Swinburne
: The cool and the uncool.
: The game is very simple. Spread a rumour that something awful is going to happen. Turns out to be a lie. You actually do something a little less awful. Instead of dumping the filth in the dales, you dump it in the outskirts of Sheffield or Newcastle or Liverpool. And we all think "That's rather good. At least they're not dumping it in the dales." Mr. Peterson
: [nods agreement
] Hmm Jill Swinburne
: What's a potentially nice human being like you doing in a cess-pit of a career like this Mr Peterson? Mr. Peterson
: The truthful answer is rising slowly.
[Slowly stands up
] Mr. Peterson
: But rising.
: Oh, hang spring-cleaning! Jill Swinburne
: I've never done any spring-cleaning. Being a male chauvinist, I've always had women to do those sort of things for me. Trevor Chaplin
: I don't mean that. Trevor Chaplin
: It's all part of my craggy northern working-class background. Jill Swinburne
: I'm talking about The Wind in the Willows. Trevor Chaplin
: Don't tell me - it's a book. Jill Swinburne
: Ratty and Mole are supposed to be spring-cleaning, but instead they say "Hang spring-cleaning" and they go off and mess about with boats in the river. Trevor Chaplin
: Is that what you fancy? Jill Swinburne
: Sort of, yes. Trevor Chaplin
: Well we could take to the hills. We'll go tomorrow. Jill Swinburne
: We're at school tomorrow. Trevor Chaplin
: No! We'll have sickness and diarrhoea. We'll telephone Mr Carter with some excuse to pass onto the Head that's so bizarre he's bound to believe it. Jill Swinburne
: A plague of locusts down the street. Trevor Chaplin
: A summons to The Palace. Jill Swinburne
: The house has been struck by a thunderbolt - which happens to be true. Trevor Chaplin
: We'll think of someting and say "Hang spring-cleaning".
[Jill walks over to Trevor and looks tenderly into his eyes
] Jill Swinburne
: Thank you. Trevor Chaplin
: Thank *you*. Jill Swinburne
: For what? Trevor Chaplin
: True love means never having to explain what you're saying "thank you" for.
[Trevor looks away, embarrassed
] Trevor Chaplin
: Have you ever noticed how spiders get trapped in your double-glazing? Jill Swinburne
: Have you ever noticed your amazing capacity to spoil everything? Trevor Chaplin
: Yes. It's famous over six counties. Jill Swinburne
: Cue romantic music.