No Photo Available
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Mr. Mackay (Character)
from "Porridge" (1974)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Doing Time (1979)
Mackay: Fletcher!
Fletcher: Sir.
Mackay: If you want to sing, I suggest you form a Slade Prison Glee Club.
Fletcher: Glee?

Mackay: Are you wearing make-up again, Whittaker?

[it's the day of the football matcha and the team captains shake hands]
Mr Mackay: Now I want a nice clean fight.
Urquart: It's not a boxing match, Mr Mackay.
Mr Mackay: That's what I'm anxious to avoid.

Mackay: What's on the menu today Godber?
Godber: Creme Dubarry, followed by curry sir.
Mackay: Curried what?
Godber: Meat sir.
Mackay: What meat?
Godber: I dunno. It just says 'tinned meat'. On the tin like.

Mackay: My day will come.

Mackay: We find it best to put them all together in G wing or as we call it, married quarters.

Mackay: Don't be cheeky, Ives.

Mackay: I won't buy it, Fletcher.
Fletcher: That's just as well 'cause it ain't for sale.

Mackay: As you can see, Mr Beal, these men are gainfully employed in the manufacture of prison uniforms.
Armstrong: I'm going to open my own boutique when I get out.
Mackay: That'll do, Armstrong.

Mackay: I was in the village today. There were some interesting reports. Sightings you might say.
Fletcher: UFOs?
Mackay: Indeed. Unidentified *Fleeing* Objects.

Mackay: There are only two rules in this prison, Rudge. Are you listening to me? One, you do not write on the walls. Two, you obey all the rules.

Mackay: You're an unlikely choice as trainer, Fletcher.
Fletcher: Well, it was the lads what decided it.
Mackay: Yet you've always struck me as a man who despises physical activity.
Fletcher: Oh, not in others sir.

Fletcher: Who are all these people, sir? I mean, me and the lads was given to understand that there would be a fair smattering of celebrities.
Mackay: See that red-haired man? Tells the weather on Anglia TV. And there's a pair of script writers for someone quite famous, and Mr Bainbridge himself has just finished a season at the Al Hambra Swansea.
Fletcher: I'll tell the lads. They'll be right chuffed.
Bunny Warren: Who are they, Fletch?
Fletcher: A weather man, eight small parts and a widow twanky, now go and get changed.

Governor: [discussing who may be on the celebrity football team] Didn't you mention that comedian chap? Wh-What's his name? Jimmy Tarbrush?
Mackay: Buck, sir.
Governor: Yes. Buck Tarbrush.
Mackay: Well, unhappily he's indisposed sir.
Governor: Oh, dear.
[he and Mackay leave]
Fletcher: Buck Tarbrush. We should be lucky to get Basil Brush.

Mackay: I'm going to book you for that.
Cooper: You what?
Mackay: What's your name, Cooper?
Cooper: [pause] Cooper.

Mackay: [During the football game Godber jumps up to head the ball, instead he misses, falls backwards and bangs his head on the goalpost causing him to fall over]
[MacKay holds up one finger]
Mackay: How many fingers am I holding up?
Godber: You can't fool me sir, five.

"Porridge: The Hustler (#1.2)" (1974)
Mr. Mackay: [Mackay shouts from outside] Ives!
Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Ives has had an egg crushed in his right hand] What are you going to do? Shake hands with him, go on.
[Ives walks out]
Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch carries on talking to himself] What a loser. Poor old Ives, what a loser. You know, if Liz Taylor had triplets, and he was one, he'd be the one in the middle, on the bottle.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch addresses the chicken] There you are, darling. You ain't a loser. You'd have won if I hadn't cut off your access.
[Fletch removes paper from the hatch and retrieves an egg]
Norman Stanley Fletcher: Look at that, it's a beautiful one. How do you get them so egg-shaped?
Norman Stanley Fletcher: Hang on a minute. Now then, girls. This is what's known as a perk of the job.

Mackay: What have you got there, Fletcher?
Fletch: [sotto voce] Crown jewels...
[out loud]
Fletch: Chicken feed!
Mackay: Empty it.
Fletch: It'll make a terrible mess, Mr Mackay!
Mackay: Empty it!
[Fletch empties the bag, which contains nothing but chicken feed]
Mackay: All right Fletcher, just don't let me catch you thieving!
Fletch: I won't, Mr Mackay.
Mackay: You won't what?
Fletch: I won't let you catch me, Mr Mackay!

"Porridge: Heartbreak Hotel (#2.2)" (1975)
Fletch: [on Godber] 'Ol love-lorn Lenny here wants to know whether the BBC ever play prisoner requests.
Mackay: No. Oh no. The answer to that is no. On the grounds that it could cause embarrassment.
Godber: Embarrassment?
Mackay: To the prisoner's families. The families might've excused his absence by telling the neighbours that the felon in question was abroad, or working on a North Sea oil rig.
Godber: Oh. I see.
Mackay: No doubt your wife, Fletcher, has told your friends that you are on a five-year safari.
Fletch: No, she just tells them I'm doing missionary work in Scotland.

"Porridge: Disturbing the Peace (#2.3)" (1975)
Mackay: I think some of you wrongly assumed that I had left you for good. But, as you see, nothing could be further from the truth. Only... I am somewhat disturbed to hear what has been happening in my absence. So now... We're going to have a new regime here, based not on lenience and laxity but on discipline, hard work and blind, unquestioning obedience. Feet will not touch the floor. Lives will be made a misery. I am back, and I am in charge here.
[leaves. Fletch, Godber and the other prisoners start singing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" for Mackay]

"Porridge: Final Stretch (#3.6)" (1977)
Mackay: I've noticed a change in your attitude since Laddo's release.
Fletch: I just want out, that's all. Ten months if I keep my nose clean.
Mackay: Not throwing in the towel, are we, Fletcher? Or are you acknowledging that the system always wins?
Fletch: Nobody wins, Mr Mackay, that's what's so tragic.
Mackay: Normally I'd hesitate at putting a sprog in here, Fletcher, but I think the new Fletcher could be just what he needs.
Fletch: Oh, going to have a bit of company down below, am I?
Mackay: Got a young lad called Nicholson moving in here.
Fletch: He's not a Scot, is he? I mean, we do draw the line somewhere.
Mackay: No, he's from Sunderland.
Fletch: Dangerously close!
Mackay: Bit of a tearaway, keeps lashing out. You'll keep an eye on him?
Fletch: Difficult not to in a room this size!
Mackay: No, I mean, you'll show him what you've learned.
Fletch: All right. What have I learned, Mr Mackay?
Mackay: That there's no use in bucking the system.
Fletch: All right. I'll just tell him three things. One - bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't let the bastards grind you down.

"Porridge: Pardon Me (#3.4)" (1977)
[Fletch, Godber, Warren and Lukewarm are campaigning to get Blanco pardoned]
Mackay: Typical of Fletcher's devious mentality to turn the man into some sort of martyr.
Governor Venables: Yes - the last thing a prison needs, Mr Mackay, is a martyr.