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: Fletcher! Fletcher
: Sir. Mackay
: If you want to sing, I suggest you form a Slade Prison Glee Club. Fletcher
: Are you wearing make-up again, Whittaker?
[it's the day of the football matcha and the team captains shake hands
] Mr Mackay
: Now I want a nice clean fight. Urquart
: It's not a boxing match, Mr Mackay. Mr Mackay
: That's what I'm anxious to avoid.
: What's on the menu today Godber? Godber
: Creme Dubarry, followed by curry sir. Mackay
: Curried what? Godber
: Meat sir. Mackay
: What meat? Godber
: I dunno. It just says 'tinned meat'. On the tin like.
: My day will come.
: We find it best to put them all together in G wing or as we call it, married quarters.
: Don't be cheeky, Ives.
: I won't buy it, Fletcher. Fletcher
: That's just as well 'cause it ain't for sale.
: As you can see, Mr Beal, these men are gainfully employed in the manufacture of prison uniforms. Armstrong
: I'm going to open my own boutique when I get out. Mackay
: That'll do, Armstrong.
: I was in the village today. There were some interesting reports. Sightings you might say. Fletcher
: UFOs? Mackay
: Indeed. Unidentified *Fleeing* Objects.
: There are only two rules in this prison, Rudge. Are you listening to me? One, you do not write on the walls. Two, you obey all the rules.
: You're an unlikely choice as trainer, Fletcher. Fletcher
: Well, it was the lads what decided it. Mackay
: Yet you've always struck me as a man who despises physical activity. Fletcher
: Oh, not in others sir.
: Who are all these people, sir? I mean, me and the lads was given to understand that there would be a fair smattering of celebrities. Mackay
: See that red-haired man? Tells the weather on Anglia TV. And there's a pair of script writers for someone quite famous, and Mr Bainbridge himself has just finished a season at the Al Hambra Swansea. Fletcher
: I'll tell the lads. They'll be right chuffed. Bunny Warren
: Who are they, Fletch? Fletcher
: A weather man, eight small parts and a widow twanky, now go and get changed.
: [discussing who may be on the celebrity football team
] Didn't you mention that comedian chap? Wh-What's his name? Jimmy Tarbrush? Mackay
: Buck, sir. Governor
: Yes. Buck Tarbrush. Mackay
: Well, unhappily he's indisposed sir. Governor
: Oh, dear.
[he and Mackay leave
: Buck Tarbrush. We should be lucky to get Basil Brush.
: I'm going to book you for that. Cooper
: You what? Mackay
: What's your name, Cooper? Cooper
: [During the football game Godber jumps up to head the ball, instead he misses, falls backwards and bangs his head on the goalpost causing him to fall over
[MacKay holds up one finger
: How many fingers am I holding up? Godber
: You can't fool me sir, five.
: [Mackay shouts from outside
] Ives! Norman Stanley Fletcher
: [Ives has had an egg crushed in his right hand
] What are you going to do? Shake hands with him, go on.
[Ives walks out
] Norman Stanley Fletcher
: [Fletch carries on talking to himself
] What a loser. Poor old Ives, what a loser. You know, if Liz Taylor had triplets, and he was one, he'd be the one in the middle, on the bottle. Norman Stanley Fletcher
: [Fletch addresses the chicken
] There you are, darling. You ain't a loser. You'd have won if I hadn't cut off your access.
[Fletch removes paper from the hatch and retrieves an egg
] Norman Stanley Fletcher
: Look at that, it's a beautiful one. How do you get them so egg-shaped? Norman Stanley Fletcher
: Hang on a minute. Now then, girls. This is what's known as a perk of the job.
: What have you got there, Fletcher? Fletch
: [sotto voce
] Crown jewels...
: Chicken feed! Mackay
: Empty it. Fletch
: It'll make a terrible mess, Mr Mackay! Mackay
: Empty it!
[Fletch empties the bag, which contains nothing but chicken feed
: All right Fletcher, just don't let me catch you thieving! Fletch
: I won't, Mr Mackay. Mackay
: You won't what? Fletch
: I won't let you catch me, Mr Mackay!
: [on Godber
] 'Ol love-lorn Lenny here wants to know whether the BBC ever play prisoner requests. Mackay
: No. Oh no. The answer to that is no. On the grounds that it could cause embarrassment. Godber
: Embarrassment? Mackay
: To the prisoner's families. The families might've excused his absence by telling the neighbours that the felon in question was abroad, or working on a North Sea oil rig. Godber
: Oh. I see. Mackay
: No doubt your wife, Fletcher, has told your friends that you are on a five-year safari.
: No, she just tells them I'm doing missionary work in Scotland.
: I think some of you wrongly assumed that I had left you for good. But, as you see, nothing could be further from the truth. Only... I am somewhat disturbed to hear what has been happening in my absence. So now... We're going to have a new regime here, based not on lenience and laxity but on discipline, hard work and blind, unquestioning obedience. Feet will not touch the floor. Lives will be made a misery. I am back, and I am in charge here.
[leaves. Fletch, Godber and the other prisoners start singing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" for Mackay
: I've noticed a change in your attitude since Laddo's release. Fletch
: I just want out, that's all. Ten months if I keep my nose clean. Mackay
: Not throwing in the towel, are we, Fletcher? Or are you acknowledging that the system always wins? Fletch
: Nobody wins, Mr Mackay, that's what's so tragic. Mackay
: Normally I'd hesitate at putting a sprog in here, Fletcher, but I think the new Fletcher could be just what he needs. Fletch
: Oh, going to have a bit of company down below, am I? Mackay
: Got a young lad called Nicholson moving in here. Fletch
: He's not a Scot, is he? I mean, we do draw the line somewhere. Mackay
: No, he's from Sunderland. Fletch
: Dangerously close! Mackay
: Bit of a tearaway, keeps lashing out. You'll keep an eye on him? Fletch
: Difficult not to in a room this size! Mackay
: No, I mean, you'll show him what you've learned. Fletch
: All right. What have I learned, Mr Mackay? Mackay
: That there's no use in bucking the system. Fletch
: All right. I'll just tell him three things. One - bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't let the bastards grind you down.
[Fletch, Godber, Warren and Lukewarm are campaigning to get Blanco pardoned
: Typical of Fletcher's devious mentality to turn the man into some sort of martyr. Governor Venables
: Yes - the last thing a prison needs, Mr Mackay, is a martyr.