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Quotes for
Mr. Barrowclough (Character)
from "Porridge" (1974)

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Doing Time (1979)
Fletcher: You're lookin' a bit down in the mouth, Mr Barrowclough, anything the matter?
Mr Barrowclough: Oh, nothing much. The usual. Domestic crisis.
Fletcher: Oh dear. Mrs Barrowclough left you, has she?
Mr Barrowclough: Unhappily... no Fletcher.

Fletcher: Success? Let me tell you about success. I had a pal, come to London 28 years ago without two ha'pennies to rub together. Now he managed to save up enough to buy a little hand cart and he went round collecting all old newspapers. Do you what he's worth today?
Mr Barrowclough: No, what?
Fletcher: Nothing. And he still owes for the hand cart.

[Fletcher is on the prison farm, leaning on his shovel next to the pig sty and yawning. Mr Barrowclough arrives accompanied by Rudge, a new inmate at Slade]
Fletcher: Oh, morning Mr Barrowclough.
Mr Barrowclough: Busy, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Oh busier than ever, sir. Mind I never complain.
Mr Barrowclough: I can't actually see what it is you're supposed to be doing.
Fletcher: It's the pigs, sir. They won't eat without my reassuring presence. Very highly strung your average pig, you know.
[Sees Rudge]
Fletcher: Who's he?
Mr Barrowclough: Oh, Rudge. Newly assigned to the farm.
Fletcher: How'd he work that then?
Mr Barrowclough: Pardon?
Fletcher: What? First day inside, the farm? What is he, the governor's nephew?

Mr Beal: I was married. Divorced now.
Mr Barrowclough: Well, look at it this way, 'tis better to have loved and lost than
[sighs]
Mr Barrowclough: to spend your whole ruddy life with her.

Mr Barrowclough: This job is a privilege, you know.
Fletcher: For the pigs, yeah.

Bainbridge: I bet if we'd brought Michael Parkinson or the Goodies you wouldn't have held *them* for questioning.
Mr Barrowclough: Probably not. But then you didn't, did you?

Mr Beal: Mind if I cadge a lift?
Mr Barrowclough: Oh, well, we're not...
Mr Beal: I've just been posted here.
Mr Barrowclough: Oh, a brother officer.
Mr Beal: Saves me the cab fare.
Mr Barrowclough: Aye, well, I'd still claim for it, though.


"Porridge: The Hustler (#1.2)" (1974)
Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch is bent down and talking to a chicken] Hello, darling. You trying again?
Mr. Barrowclough: [Barrowclough enters unseen] Morning, Fletcher.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: Eh? What?
[Fletch stands up straight]
Norman Stanley Fletcher: Oh, hello, Mr Barrowclough. I thought it was... All right?
Mr. Barrowclough: What was Ives doing?
Norman Stanley Fletcher: He came in on his way to the silos, Mr Barrowclough.
Mr. Barrowclough: Was he taking bets?
Norman Stanley Fletcher: Bets?
Mr. Barrowclough: We suspect he's Harry Grout's runner.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: Runner?
Mr. Barrowclough: Well, for taking the bets.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: I see.
Mr. Barrowclough: Grout's a long-term prisoner, and an unpleasant man. A sort of... unhealthy influence. We're pretty sure he runs both the gambling and the tobacco in this prison. You're a good chap, Fletcher. I don't want you sucked in to that circle.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: Never fear, Mr Barrowclough. Gambling appalls me. I've seen its consequences.
Mr. Barrowclough: It's a plague in this prison.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: My poor old mother. It's not one of my vices.

Norman Stanley Fletcher: Here, can pigs run? Can they be trained to run?
Mr. Barrowclough: Why?
Norman Stanley Fletcher: I dunno, I just thought... Well, I thought they might like a little run, instead of having to walk like us pedestrians. A bit of exercise.
Mr. Barrowclough: Nice to see you taking an interest in your fellow creatures.

Mr. Barrowclough: You seem to be settling in down on the farm.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: I resented it a bit at first, because I've never been a rural man. I have a deep mistrust of animals.
Mr. Barrowclough: I thought you told the governor you liked farming and livestock.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: Livestock, yeah, it's just the animals I don't like.
Mr. Barrowclough: You're very lucky. Normally, a trusty gets a privileged job like this.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: I appreciate it, Mr Barrowclough, and I'm sure you helped me, knowing your kindness.
Mr. Barrowclough: I didn't.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: Say no more. When are you going to get me a single cell?
Mr. Barrowclough: I can't do that.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: I can't share, I've no rapport with Heslop and Evans, there's no intellectual stimuli.
Mr. Barrowclough: Is Evans still eating light bulbs?
Norman Stanley Fletcher: No, he's changed his taste. He ate my shaving mirror.
Mr. Barrowclough: There's little I can do, you know. You shouldn't ask me.
Norman Stanley Fletcher: Wait, Mr Barrowclough, please don't think I want to influence you, or coerce you, or, I hardly like to say it, bribe you. You're chosen by the Home Office for your honesty and integrity. Would a dozen eggs help, at all? No, I'm sorry.


"Porridge: Just Desserts (#2.1)" (1975)
Fletch: [working in the library] I've still got a long and complicated itinerary to complete, sir.
Barrowclough: You're taking your time because you know that when you finish you've got to paint it, which is what you were put here for in the first place!
Fletch: [grinning innocently] Still waiting for the paint, sir.
Barrowclough: Where is it?
Fletch: [looking falsely concerned] Stolen, sir!
Barrowclough: [sitting down with his head in his hands] What's wrong with this prison?
Fletch: There's a strong criminal element in here, sir.


"Porridge: A Day Out (#1.4)" (1974)
[Barrowclough and the prisoners are trapped in a locked church]
Barrowclough: Come on, Fletcher, you've been convicted of breaking and entering.
Fletch: Ah, "entering" being the operative word, Mr Barrowclough. I ain't never been convicted of breaking out of nowhere.