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Quotes for
Foggy (Character)
from "Last of the Summer Wine" (1973)

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"Last of the Summer Wine: Full Steam Behind (#5.1)" (1979)
Foggy Dewhurst: It's sad to see the place in this condition.
Compo Simmonite: What are you talking about? Old railway sheds were always in this condition. Tat!
Foggy Dewhurst: Listen who's talking about being tat.
Compo Simmonite: They were built in this condition.
Norman Clegg: He could be right, Foggy.
Foggy Dewhurst: Who builds places in this condition?
Norman Clegg: Your local authorities mostly. It's called progress. It used to take years to build a slum, and nowadays they're building them practically ready-to-wear.

[last lines]
Compo Simmonite: I'm glad that's all over.
Norman Clegg: Me, too.
Foggy Dewhurst: It'll be a long time before I go near another steam engine.

[Foggy bursts into the house, repeatedly blowing a whistle and furiously waving a green flag]
Compo Simmonite: Look at that dozy pillock. What's he supposed to be?
Norman Clegg: Looks like a taxi driver.
Foggy Dewhurst: A taxi driver? What, with a whistle and a flag?
Norman Clegg: A lion tamer.
Compo Simmonite: For deaf lions.
Compo Simmonite: A lollipop man. That's what he is.
Foggy Dewhurst: [scornfully] Get on your feet. Come on, it's train time. Wake up, that man. We'll just be in time for the Grand Opening.

Foggy Dewhurst: I'd no idea it was happening, till I ran into Arnold Watts.
Norman Clegg: You ran into Arnold Watts? I told you he was a taxi driver.
Foggy Dewhurst: No, I ran into him on foot.
Norman Clegg: You can't win with taxi drivers. If they miss you with a vehicle, they get out and *trample* you to death!

Compo Simmonite: [sings gleefully] We're gonna see a puffer train!
Foggy Dewhurst: [proudly] Yes you are. And you'll be grateful. You're about to see a *steam engine*. A steam engine, *lovingly* restored. The official re-opening of the line, and we can be part of it. We can be among the passengers on this first *historic* journey.
Norman Clegg: As long as we don't have to walk.

[Foggy, Compo and Clegg are waiting to catch a glimpse of the steam engine. Foggy is proud; Compo and Clegg are distinctly underwhelmed]
Foggy Dewhurst: Can't you work up a bit of enthusiasm? Can't you feel your spine tingling with pride?
Compo Simmonite: I can feel the ache in me spine from all that walking.
Norman Clegg: Mine's in my knee. I can feel my knee stiff with pride.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Serenade for Tight Jeans and Metal Detector (#6.6)" (1982)
Norman Clegg: I think I'd rather wait out here.
Foggy Dewhurst: Well, what's the matter with you?
Norman Clegg: He's such a red hot salesman is Dougie, he's bound to sell me something.
Foggy Dewhurst: Ah, rubbish.
Norman Clegg: It usually is.

Compo Simmonite: Buried treasure!
Foggy Dewhurst: Yeah, buried treasure.
Compo Simmonite: [laughing] You should be locked up! I can just see Captain Morgan and all them other pirates coming up the canal desperate to bury their treasure somewhere near 'Uddersfield.
Foggy Dewhurst: There's more than one kind of treasure, you know.
Compo Simmonite: Oh yes, I can see all them jolly pirates singing their Yorkshire sea shanties: Yo ho ho, and a bottle of John Smith's

[last lines]
Foggy Dewhurst: Dig it up; dig it up; it might be Roman.
Compo Simmonite: Don't. Watch these trousers.
Compo Simmonite: Yeah, it's an old beer can.
Norman Clegg: Ingenious beggars, them Romans.
Compo Simmonite: It's Tetley's.
Norman Clegg: Gaius Julius Tetley. I like it.
Compo Simmonite: Me too. Let's go and have one.

[first lines]
Foggy Dewhurst: I understand the co-op has some big reductions in winceyette pajamas.
Norman Clegg: I could do with some big reductions in mine.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The Odd Dog Men (#6.3)" (1982)
[last lines]
Foggy Dewhurst: Be reasonable. You can't expect to get it right the first time.

[first lines]
Compo Simmonite: I wonder if my life would've been different if I'd been taller.
Foggy Dewhurst: Of course it would. Instead of being short and scruffy, you'd have been tall and scruffy.
Norman Clegg: With longer holes in your trousers.

[Lamenting about the dog:]
Fifi's Walker: All I ever see it do is eat flamin' toffees, lick the wife, and pee all over me geraniums
Foggy Dewhurst: That's better than licking the geraniums and peeing all over...
[Clegg cuts him off]
Norman Clegg: Ahem.

Foggy Dewhurst: But if it's her dog, why doesn't *she* take it for walks?
Fifi's Walker: She's fatter than the dog is. She spends all her time chomping toffees, too. Mind you, she *is* great at keeping people from coming to the house.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The White Man's Grave (#7.2)" (1983)
[Foggy recalls his military service]
Foggy Dewhurst: Yes, some of us gave our health and strength to the empire.
[Foggy scowls at Compo]
Foggy Dewhurst: And some of us gave it Woodbines and funny women.
Compo Simmonite: Aye, well, tha's lost the empire but I've still got Woodbines and funny women.

[Ivy lectures Sid while Compo and the others look in unnoticed through the café windows]
Ivy: And don't you forget it!
[Ivy wallops Sid on the top of the head with a serving tray, then exits into the kitchen]
Ivy: [Compo enters the cafe]
Compo Simmonite: Ha-ha-ha! She's playful with a trayful, is your Ivy.
Foggy Dewhurst: It'll only be a mild concussion, Sidney.
Norman Clegg: I'll tell you something, Sidney. Someone's gonna dig up this skull in a million years' time and come to the conclusion that there was a breed of Yorkshiremen with very flat heads. For which, of course, the flat cap had to be invented.

[last lines]
Norman Clegg: You'd think she'd have more patience with infants in prams.
Foggy Dewhurst: She's never looked a string of patience to me. I was once bitten by a Jack Russell terrier that was friendlier than that.
Compo Simmonite: Well, she's never bitten me. And it's not as though I haven't tried.
Norman Clegg: Mm.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The Great Boarding-House Bathroom Caper (#3.3)" (1976)
[first lines]
Foggy: Boy, I'm looking forward to it. A weekend by the sea: salt air in your lungs, sun on the water.
Clegg: Sand in your sandwiches.
Foggy: I refuse to be discouraged by that cynical attitude. You're looking forward to it just as much as I am. When I called for you this morning, you were whistling.
Clegg: Well, I had just opened my electricity bill.
Foggy: No, you were happy.
Clegg: Sh, not so loud! Nobody admits to being happy these days; they'll think I'm weird.
Foggy: Exercise.
Clegg: And the world is full of social reformers, and nothing irritates your social reformer more than finding some damn fool who's happy!
Foggy: Oh, exercise is all you need. I don't keep this figure by accident, you know.

Clegg: The older I get the more I seem to like dozy people. Hmph. Mind you, you get a lot of practice round here.
Foggy: Oh, give me a razor-sharp intellect any time.
Clegg: Oh, I will, the minute I find one.

Foggy: Yes, well, I thought that was very palatable.
Clegg: Oh well, we're still in Yorkshire, aren't we. It's not as if we've gone abroad like that damn fool Anderson from Murtly Street.
Compo: Where did he go, then?
Clegg: Liverpool.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The Bandit from Stoke-On-Trent (#4.8)" (1978)
Foggy: I was merely pointing out the similarity between the human and the equine foot.
Compo: What's an equine foot?
Clegg: Twelve inches and a bit, and the bit goes between the teeth for steering purposes.
[he laughs but the others don't]
Clegg: That's all right, Clegg. You just talk among yourself.

Foggy: And where were you when the chips were down?
Clegg: Ah, it's funny you should say that. Potato prices keep falling, but how often do you find that the chips are down?

[last lines]
Foggy: Are you sure your dubious friend Amos really has gone home?
Compo: He's gone home.
Foggy: Look, what was he doing in the bank?
Compo: Well, he went in to see if they remembered him; he wanted to cash a cheque. But they wouldn't.
Foggy: Oh, so they did remember him.
Compo: Well, it don't matter anyroad; Cleggie cashed it for him.
Foggy: You cashed a cheque for him? You didn't!
Clegg: You want to have a bit of confidence in people, Foggy.
[Compo and Foggy laugh heartily]

"Last of the Summer Wine: From Wellies to Wet Suit (#6.7)" (1982)
[last lines]
Compo Simmonite: I could murder some fish and chips.
Foggy Dewhurst: You usually do.
Norman Clegg: If ever there's been a neglected subject in poetry, it's vinegar.

[takes out a 5-pound note from of his wallet]
Foggy: I hate parting with these things. I've never been much for dogs or cats, but little five-pound notes are clean around the house, and they really bring a lump to your throat, I always find.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Isometrics and After (#3.7)" (1976)
[first lines]
Foggy: Well, the trouble with you people is you're not as fit as you used to be.
Clegg: I don't think I was ever as fit as we used to be.
Compo: I'm knackered.
Foggy: Lost some of the... polish has gone from the top end of your performance curves.
Clegg: Nay, you mustn't go jumping to conclusions just because we can't breathe and our legs collapse.
Compo: What tha' talking about, thou long-shanked basket; tha's just as puffed as we are!
Foggy: That's ridiculous.
Compo: Even poofier.
Foggy: I've always kept myself in first-class fighting trim.
Clegg: Yes, but your trim has become a short back and sides, Foggy.
Foggy: What's a scientific term for flashes in front of the eyes?
Clegg: Indecent exposure?

[last lines]
Foggy: Take your lead from me. Don't have to panic; just leave it to the horses. They'll take us home. The horses know where they're going.

"Last of the Summer Wine: In the Service of Humanity (#6.1)" (1982)
Compo Simmonite: We were very good at being poor. We were, we were famous for it.
Foggy Dewhurst: You were famous for not going to work. That's why you were poor.
Compo Simmonite: No, I blame that on God.
Foggy Dewhurst: Oh yeah, that's right, go on. Typical. Blame the Conservatives.

Compo Simmonite: There was one very, very irritating habit that landlords cannot stand.
Foggy Dewhurst: All right. What is that? we ask cautiously.
Foggy Dewhurst: Having no money.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The Frozen Turkey Man (#7.1)" (1983)
Compo Simmonite: Dorothy Lamour used to have this flower in her teeth.
Foggy Dewhurst: Did a lot of baking, did she?
Compo Simmonite: Not baking flour, you great idiot! A geranium.

Foggy Dewhurst: That's where we've been going wrong. We've been coming round this bend as pedestrians. No wonder we missed the bush. Why did we miss the bush?
Norman Clegg: Maybe it's not a bush stop.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Jubilee (#4.3)" (1977)
Compo: I wonder why they call it plaster of Paris. When I broke my arm, they got mine from a company in 'Uddersfield.
Clegg: I like it.
Foggy: What?
Clegg: Plaster of Huddersfield.
Foggy: Don't encourage him. Just let him lie there quietly making all the creepy-crawlies go "yeuch".

[last lines]
Compo: I wonder what they'll put on my gravestone.
Foggy: Something very heavy, I hope.
Clegg: What would you like on it?
Compo: Somebody else's name.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Flower Power Cut (#4.4)" (1977)
Compo: I've been romancing her all this time and it's got me nowhere.
Foggy: "Romancing her," he says. you haven't got a romantic bone in your body.
Compo: Listen, if I want any advice on romance, I won't come to an unqualified poof.
Sid: Hey, are you trying to hurt his rotten feelings?
Compo: Pah?
Sid: How do you know he's not a qualified poof?

Compo: For what professional reasons did thee remain a bachelor?
Foggy: I came to the conclusion there was no place in marriage for a professional fighting man.
Sid: There's a place in my marriage for one.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Going to Gordon's Wedding (#3.6)" (1976)
Compo: It's a long time since we've been to a wedding.
Clegg: Oh well, I dare say we'll soon get the hang of it.
Foggy: With this lot, you never know what we might get. God, I hope there's not going to be any fighting.
Compo: Ah, don't be daft; everybody fights at weddings.
Clegg: I don't believe it's actually compulsory.
Compo: No, but there's such a thing as tradition, isn't there!

Foggy: Half the joy of a gift is in the unwrapping.
Compo: That's what I keep telling Nora Batty, but she won't unwrap nowt.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Ferret Come Home (#4.1)" (1977)
Clegg: Must be about the only thing that's never gone up.
Foggy: What is?
Clegg: The guinea pig.
Compo: [knocking on door] Wally! Come on!
Clegg: Then of course, with the urge of politicians to get rid of everything British, even the word guinea has to become a hundred and five p.
Compo: [calling through letterbox] Wally! Hey-up! Wally!
Clegg: What kind of a name is a hundred and five p? Sounds like a geriatric malfunction.

Foggy: Yes, the military man has to forgo the pleasures of the domestic hearth.
Clegg: And very often the married man has to forgo the pleasures of the domestic hearth; in fact, marriage can be one of the fastest ways of forgoing them that there is.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Earnshaw Strikes Again (#5.5)" (1979)
[first lines]
[Compo moans]
Foggy Dewhurst: Stop squirming about!
Compo Simmonite: I'm bored!
Foggy Dewhurst: How can you be bored?
Compo Simmonite: It's easy. You just go
Foggy Dewhurst: You've got your health, and your strength, all those fascinating holes in your garments. If you want to do something, why don't you do something about them?
Compo Simmonite: Ah, I'm fed up! Nothing ever happens round here.
Norman Clegg: Well, be fair. We had a war in 1939.
Compo Simmonite: Aye, and that were an away match.

[last lines]
Foggy Dewhurst: And I've heard quite enough about Earnshaw for one day. Y' know it's very distressing for a man of my scientific outlook to be rubbing shoulders with a couple of... superstitious idiots like you two. Now, I want you to repeat after me: there is no Earnshaw. There is no Earnshaw. There is no Earnshaw. There is no...
[water burst through the wall]
Foggy Dewhurst: No, uh. Get a cork.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The Kink in Foggy's Niblick (#3.5)" (1976)
[first lines]
Foggy: Right, take your jackets off. We shall all feel better for a free flow of air round the old shirt.

[last lines]
Compo: Drinks are on me tonight!
Clegg: All the bars are closed by now, except in down-town Majorca.
Foggy: Batman, hold that lamp still. Dewhurst never gives up.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Who Made a Bit of Splash in Wales Then? (#4.5)" (1977)
Foggy: Try not to scream if you see anything move inside his trousers. See, he keeps ferrets in his pocket. I think the worst thing for a stranger is when he tries to feed them.
Gwen: Don't worry, love. I'm a widow, not a shy young girl like yourself.
Foggy: We shall have to keep him away from your late husband's mother. Where is she?
Gwen: Having a lie down. She likes to close her eyes and sharpen her tongue in darkness.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Getting on Sidney's Wire (#4.2)" (1977)
[last lines]
[they are all in the public loo, although the camera remains outside]
Clegg: I see the phantom scribbler's been at it again.
Foggy: You don't have to bother reading them these days; just wait for the film.
Clegg: It's really boring standing so close to a wall; think they'd put a few pictures up like they used to do in the old railway carriages.
Foggy: With a big warning against any frivolous pulling of the communication cord.
Foggy: Why don't you move further down there?
Compo: Woo-hoo-hoo. Look at this!
Foggy: I wish you wouldn't say that in these places.
Compo: I only meant to draw your attention to this beautiful handwriting over here. That's talent, is that!
Clegg: It is if it's true.

"Last of the Summer Wine: By the Magnificent Thighs of Ernie Burniston (#14.1)" (1992)
[Foggy, Clegg and Compo stand watch while Howard changes his clothes in Clegg's house]
Foggy: [to Clegg] Tell him alright, Pearl's nowhere to be seen.
Clegg: [to Compo] Tell him alright, Pearl's nowhere to be seen.
Compo: [to Howard] Tell him alright, Pearl's nowhere to be seen.
Howard: [to Compo] She could be upstairs.
Compo: [to Clegg, mocking Howard's tone of voice] She could be upstairs.
Clegg: [to Foggy] She could be upstairs.
Foggy: Thank you, I got the message. Good grief, it went through more hands than Mae West.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Cheering Up Gordon (#3.4)" (1976)
[first lines]
Clegg: Answer the phone, Foggy.
Foggy: In a jungle, I could have crept up on you and cut your throat from ear to ear. Come on, wake up, man; it's a beautiful day outside.
Clegg: [lying back down] It's not unpleasant in here.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Car and Garter (#6.2)" (1982)
[Foggy has embarrassed himself in front of Ivy]
Foggy Dewhurst: Why didn't you tell me?
Compo Simmonite: Has tha ever tried tellin' thee anything?
Norman Clegg: There's no harm done, Foggy.
Foggy Dewhurst: No harm done? She probably thinks I'm an idiot!
Sid: She does. She thinks you're an idiot.
Foggy Dewhurst: There you are, you see. How can you say there's no harm done?
Sid: There is no harm done, she's always thought you were an idiot.

"Last of the Summer Wine: One of the Last Few Places Unexplored by Man (#6.5)" (1982)
[Compo is rummaging through a drawer]
Compo Simmonite: I'm looking for my camera.
Foggy Dewhurst: You know, the trouble with you is you don't search in a methodical manner.
Compo Simmonite: I don't lose things in a methodical manner.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Greenfingers (#4.6)" (1977)
Foggy: My theory is: muck.
Compo: I'm not surprised.
Foggy: As a nation we do not use good old farmyard muck in the way we used to.
Clegg: Well, not for spreading on the land, may be, but there's still a good deal of bull...
Foggy: Uh, uh, uh uh uh.
Clegg: Well, there's still a good deal of it about generally. That is western civilizations biggest post-war growth industry.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The Flag and Its Snag (#5.2)" (1979)
[last lines]
Foggy Dewhurst: You can run along now. I'm going to stand to attention for a while. I always feel better when I stand to attention for a while.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Mending Stuart's Leg (#3.2)" (1976)
[first lines]
Foggy: Now, I made a very useful contact yesterday, if ever you should be in the market for any off-cuts of polystyrene.
Clegg: I don't know how you do it, Foggy.
Foggy: Being in the right place at the right time.
Compo: Hey, let's pop in and explain our rules to t' new librarian.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Deep in the Heart of Yorkshire (#5.4)" (1979)
Foggy Dewhurst: It's just the call of the wide open spaces, Ivy. Men have this thing.
Ivy: I know. It's what they're always trying to do with it that irritates me!