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: [At the funeral
] Was he really such a great forger? Tinker Dill
: [Taking exception
] Copyist! They're only a forger when they're caught.
: Have you read "Kelly on Restoring Oil Paintings"? Eric Catchpole
] I think I'll wait for the film.
: [to Lady Jane about Lovejoy's car
] Between you and ma, your Ladyship, the only genuine antique around here is that car! Lovejoy
: Cheeky sod! She's prractically pawing the ground - ready to be off.
: Why does Lovejoy spend half his life in seedy rooms, doing seedy deals with seedy people? Tinker Dill
: He's good at it.
: [Drinking and eating rather sloppily at Janes's table
] I made a date with the girl who works in the bar.
[Gesturing her breast size with his hands
] Eric Catchpole
: She's got fantastic knockers! Lovejoy
: [Slightly embarrassed to Jane
] Don't worry. He won't be staying to dinner.
: [In the car
] We shouldn't be out in the country piddling around like this. We should be back home trying to make a dishonest living. Lovejoy
: [Getting out of the car
] Eric, do you ever get the feeling you've been someplace before? Eric Catchpole
: Yeah, I went to this Judas Priest concert last year, and I thought, 'Eric, you've been here before.' Lovejoy
: Just deja vu. Eric Catchpole
: Well, not really. I'd been to see Iron Maiden there the month before. Lovejoy
: If you're not careful, Eric, you'll end up in one of those camps. Eric Catchpole
: What camps? Lovejoy
: Those internment camps they have for Heavy Metal freaks on Foulness Island.
: [Wanting to be alone with Sophy
] Eric, take another walk. Eric Catchpole
: Where to? Lovejoy
: Go ahead, Funke! Make my day!
: [Referring to his old girlfriend
] That'll put a wrinkle in her knickers. Lovejoy
: Doesn't strike me as the sort of girl who wears them.
: If the villain we;re after doesn't show at the sale, he might come after us - force his hand. Eric Catchpole
: Here, hold on, Lovejoy! This guy's a desperate killer! We might be in danger! Lovejoy
: [to Tink
] He complained his job was too boring!
: [Showing his business card to a girl he's picked up in a pub
] Look! "Lovejoy and Associates!" I'm an associate.
: We've had some real dingbats in here. You've heard about the stuffed wolf, haven't you? Eric Catchpole
: Stuffed wolf? Bernard
: A couple of months ago an old geezer brought this stuffed wolf in with him - about four foot high. Eric Catchpole
: The geezer? Bernard
: No, the wolf. He put it in the corner of his room and the central heating dried it out so much the skin split open, and guess what there was inside? Tinker Dill
: Little Red Riding Hood?
: [after Lovejoy has been beaten
] Well, they didn't mark the face too much, dear heart. You look no worse than you usually do. Lovejoy
: They must have marked me everywhere else. Mind you, I didn't feel much last night because I was pissed on Lady Jane's champagne. Eric Catchpole
] You told me to pick a name at random. Tinker Dill
] Yes, drink does deaden pain. That's one of the reasons I imbibe so frequently.
: Is it valuable? Lovejoy
: Is the Pope Polish?
Lady Jane Felsham
: Eric, I don't know wheter to kiss or salute you. Eric Catchpole
: Well, I know which one I'd prefer.
: What did he do? Lovejoy
: Never mind. He's a double-breasted scumbag!
: [Obseving Chris peerin in through the window of a ballet class
] You can get arrested for that, you know! Eric Catchpole
: [Turning around and seeing Tink going through piroughettes and other ballet moves
] You can get arrested for that and all.
: How do I look? Tinker Dill
: About as naval as a belly button.
: [Looking at a drunken, hungover Tink
] My God, Tink, you look like the rough end of a pineapple.
: [to Beth
] When they say, "Very rare," they mean "Very expensive."
: I was in the army with a bloke who tried to top himself, once. Eric Catchpole
: 'ow'd he do it? Tinker Dill
: Well after a great deal of thought, he settled on hanging. Eric Catchpole
: Hanging? hmm. Tinker Dill
: He found a tree with a branch that stretched right out over the sea... Eric Catchpole
: Spectacular. Tinker Dill
: ...and to save himself pain, he took an overdose of pills... Eric Catchpole
: Wasn't leavin' anything to chance, was 'e? Tinker Dill
: ...and just to make trebly sure, he decided to shoot himself. Eric Catchpole
: What happened? Tinker Dill
: Well he slipped the noose 'round his neck, cocked the pistol, swallowed the pills, and stepped out over the cliff. Eric Catchpole
: ...and... Tinker Dill
: Well the jerk of the rope ruined his aim. The bullet missed his head, cut the rope, he dropped like a stone into the sea, swallowed so much salt water that he vomited up the pills, and swam back to shore a better and a wiser man Gunga Din. Last I heard he was growing chrysanth's in Yarmouth.