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: [At the funeral
] Was he really such a great forger? Tinker Dill
: [Taking exception
] Copyist! They're only a forger when they're caught.
: That fifth scotch made me playful.
: Have you read "Kelly on Restoring Oil Paintings"? Eric Catchpole
] I think I'll wait for the film.
: You're a barker. Barkers don't retire. Tinker Dill
: Ronnie Barker did.
: Nelson Mandela is President of South Africa, you're going on the wagon, and I'm getting married. Tinker Dill
: Here's to the three of us.
: [about his marriage
] Are you getting cold feet? Lovejoy
: Can't tell, Tink. I have no feeling below my knees. Tinker Dill
: As long as you have feelings above them.
: There is nothing wrong with good, honest forgery.
: I wish you wouldn't drink while I drive. Tinker Dill
: [Holding his whiskey flask
] I'm wearing my seat belt.
: We've had some real dingbats in here. You've heard about the stuffed wolf, haven't you? Eric Catchpole
: Stuffed wolf? Bernard
: A couple of months ago an old geezer brought this stuffed wolf in with him - about four foot high. Eric Catchpole
: The geezer? Bernard
: No, the wolf. He put it in the corner of his room and the central heating dried it out so much the skin split open, and guess what there was inside? Tinker Dill
: Little Red Riding Hood?
: Few people can resist a pit bull tax collector when he has his teeth firmly embedded in your bottom.
: [Looking at a tableful of half-finished liquor bottles in the dead artist's studio
] Well, I think he was a better drinker than a painter.
] Good morning, Tinker! Tinker Dill
: Oh, Lovejoy, it's disgustingly early!
: Why does Lovejoy spend half his life in seedy rooms, doing seedy deals with seedy people? Tinker Dill
: He's good at it.
: Only a man with the quirks of a collector would kill for a pair of bloody guns.
: [after Lovejoy has been beaten
] Well, they didn't mark the face too much, dear heart. You look no worse than you usually do. Lovejoy
: They must have marked me everywhere else. Mind you, I didn't feel much last night because I was pissed on Lady Jane's champagne. Eric Catchpole
] You told me to pick a name at random. Tinker Dill
] Yes, drink does deaden pain. That's one of the reasons I imbibe so frequently.
: Do you remember, Tinker, where you was when Kennedy died? Tinker Dill
: My dear Beth, I don't remember where I was last Wednesday.
: [Talking to Tink as he is sitting at a bar
] Can you hear me? Tinker Dill
: I not only can hear you, Lovejoy, I can see both of you.
: Will you meet him? Tinker Dill
: Why not? Looks like rain. Lovejoy
: Rain stops play.
: An old man really appreciates courtesy from the young, I tell you. Tinker
: Especially when they're buying.
: What the eye don't see, the heart don't grieve.
: You know, Lovejoy, you'll have so few friends you'll only have one handle on your coffin, and that'll be on the inside.
: [Obseving Chris peerin in through the window of a ballet class
] You can get arrested for that, you know! Eric Catchpole
: [Turning around and seeing Tink going through piroughettes and other ballet moves
] You can get arrested for that and all.
: The world of art, Mr. Taylor, is connected to the highest aspirations of man.
: How do I look? Tinker Dill
: About as naval as a belly button.
: Trust me. Tinker Dill
: Those two words have preceded some of the worst experiences of my life, Lovejoy.
: [Looking with distate at Tink's garish bowtie
] Where are you going in that foul thing? Tinker Dill
: Women's Institute. Charlotte Cavendish
: [as Tink walks away
] What would Tinker be doing at the Woman's Institute? Lovejoy
: What everyone does at the Women's Institute... talk about sex.
: [Lifting a particularly heavy piece of furniture
] Come into the land of hernia.
: [In a cautionary tone
] Don't let a whiff of buried treasure and a pretty ankle turn your heads.
: If only the moon were made of green cheese, then rockets would be shaped like fondue forks.
: [Nearing a pub
] Well, I can feel a glass of lunch coming on.
: If it wasn't for the fact that I gave up worrying years ago, I'd worry about you, Eric.
: I was in the army with a bloke who tried to top himself, once. Eric Catchpole
: 'ow'd he do it? Tinker Dill
: Well after a great deal of thought, he settled on hanging. Eric Catchpole
: Hanging? hmm. Tinker Dill
: He found a tree with a branch that stretched right out over the sea... Eric Catchpole
: Spectacular. Tinker Dill
: ...and to save himself pain, he took an overdose of pills... Eric Catchpole
: Wasn't leavin' anything to chance, was 'e? Tinker Dill
: ...and just to make trebly sure, he decided to shoot himself. Eric Catchpole
: What happened? Tinker Dill
: Well he slipped the noose 'round his neck, cocked the pistol, swallowed the pills, and stepped out over the cliff. Eric Catchpole
: ...and... Tinker Dill
: Well the jerk of the rope ruined his aim. The bullet missed his head, cut the rope, he dropped like a stone into the sea, swallowed so much salt water that he vomited up the pills, and swam back to shore a better and a wiser man Gunga Din. Last I heard he was growing chrysanth's in Yarmouth.