Sigerson Holmes
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The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother (1975)
Orville: Are you Mister S., for Sigerson, Holmes?
Sigerson Holmes: Perhaps.
Orville: Do you have a brother whose first name is Sherlock?
Sigerson Holmes: I do not.
Orville: You do have a brother?
Sigerson Holmes: I do.
Orville: Might I inquire as to his first name?
Sigerson Holmes: "Sheer luck."

Sigerson Holmes: The clue obviously lies in the word "cheddar." Let's see now. Seven letters. Rearranged, they come to, let me see: "Rachedd." "Dechdar." "Drechad." "Chaderd" - hello, chaderd! Unless I'm very much mistaken, chaderd is the Egyptian word meaning "to eat fat." Now we're getting somewhere!

Sigerson Holmes: You call this tea?
Orville: No, I call that hot water.

Jenny Hill: How do you do? My name is Bessie Bellwood.
Sigerson Holmes: LIAR!
Jenny Hill: Oh! You don't fool around, do you? How do you know that I'm not Bessie Bellwood?
Sigerson Holmes: [singing] There's no harm in taking a kiss/It's never missed...
Jenny Hill: [singing next line] If I'd known that love was like this, should I have kissed?
Sigerson Holmes: [singing] Love's a game if you are clever/Play your cards and go...
Jenny Hill: [singing next line] Love with me will last forever/That is all I know - chorus! - But you don't love as I love...
Sigerson Holmes: All right, all right, enough!
[singing]
Sigerson Holmes: Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy poo/Cried the farmer's daughter, Phyllis...
Jenny Hill: [hesitant singing] Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, pig - Well, I don't think I know that one.
Sigerson Holmes: Pity! Next time you decide to impersonate a music hall singer who's been dead for the past twelve years, I suggest you learn her full repertoire! Won't you come in, MISS LIAR?

Jenny Hill: [fearfully wailing a song] Away, away, away, away, away, away, away...
Sigerson Holmes: What are you doing?
Jenny Hill: Whenever I'm petrified, I either cry or sing.
[continues]
Orville: London streets and places of all interest! Abbey Road! Abbey Street! Abigail Gardens! Abbington Road! Adelphi Terrace! Adelphi Theatre!...

Sigerson Holmes: "Eduardo Gambetti"? The name strikes a bell. Ever heard of him, Sacker?
Orville: [slaps head; low voice] "Oh, not Gambetti again!"
[high voice]
Orville: "'Fraid so, sir."
[low]
Orville: "Fat little fart, fancies himself as an opera singer."
[high]
Orville: "That's him, sir."
[low]
Orville: "Pour us some tea, will you, Sacker?"
[normal voice]
Orville: Yes, sir.
[low]
Orville: "How does he do it, Greerson?"
[high]
Orville: "Pays the highest prices for spicy letters, sir. Everything on the market goes to Gambetti."
[low]
Orville: "Oh, the swine."
[high]
Orville: "Swine he may be, sir, but he certainly is the cleverest of all the blackmailers."
[smiles]
Jenny Hill: I'm not sure... What just happened?
Sigerson Holmes: Never mind. I'll explain it to you later.

Sigerson Holmes: Jenny!
[singing]
Sigerson Holmes: Have you seen the latest dance that's come along?/Jenny, go and put your Sunday hat and jacket on/There's going to be some jollicky, come with me, happy-py, fill your heart with ecstasy/Jenny/
Jenny Hill: It's the greatest thing creation's ever known/
Sigerson Holmes: Take a little tip from me/Hold tight/
Jenny Hill: I'm all right/
Sigerson Holmes: When you do the/
Jenny Hill: H/
Sigerson Holmes: O/
Jenny Hill: P/
Orville: Come... on... and/
Sigerson Holmes, Jenny Hill, Orville: Hop/Hop/Come and do the kangaroo hop/Hop/That's the dance for me and you/If you're over 80, you can waltz a little while/But hopping about the parlor is the very latest style/Come on and hop/Hop/Hear the music goin' pop/You'll never, never want to stop/There's no other kind of dance at all/So come along, my honey, make the others look small/Come and do the kangaroo/If you know what's good for you/Come and do the kangaroo hop...

Jenny Hill: I'm not proud of what I did!
Sigerson Holmes: You've just told me a magnificent success story! Overlooking the fact that you're a liar, a thief, a traitor, and a whore, I don't see what should be bothering you!

[singing]
Sigerson Holmes: Why don't we all drink/Some very sexy wine?

Jenny Hill: I don't wish to talk about it.
Sigerson Holmes: The problem won't go away because you don't wish to t...
Jenny Hill: I don't wish to talk about it!
Orville: You're making a tragic mistake, love.
Jenny Hill: I've made a tragic mistake. More tragic than you can possibly imagine. And unless I am very careful... I am going to die for it.

Sigerson Holmes: I wish I knew what in God's name they were saying out there!
Orville: [bumps head, starts imitating Gambetti] Professore! This little room is-a 15 inches-a wide! My little saw gonna come right-a down-a the middle! I hope ya like-a the color red! A-ha-ha-ha-haaaa! Aaa-ha-ha-haaa!
[normal voice]
Orville: I also read lips.

Sigerson Holmes: What did the letter say Mrs.Hill?
Jenny Hill: IT SAID I WANTED TO TOUCH HIS WINKLE!
Sigerson Holmes: Ohh...
Orville: His what?
Sigerson Holmes: Nevermind, i'll explain later.

Jenny Hill: Mr Gambetti told me he would give me back my letter if I would promise to steal a certain document from my father's wall safe.
Sigerson Holmes: What does your father do?
Jenny Hill: He's the janitor in Browning's bank in Clearwater Street.
Sigerson Holmes: Browning's doesn't have a bank in Clearwater Street.
Jenny Hill: [unconvincingly] Poor papa! I wonder if he knows.
Sigerson Holmes: What does your father do, Miss Hill?
Jenny Hill: How did you know so quickly that Browning's doesn't have a Clearwater branch?
Sigerson Holmes: I assumed you were lying. What does your father do, Miss Hill?
Jenny Hill: ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU'RE GOING TO ASSUME A BROKEN ASS, MR HOLMES!