Andy Travis
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Quotes for
Andy Travis (Character)
from "WKRP in Cincinnati" (1978)

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"WKRP in Cincinnati: Pilot: Part 1 (#1.1)" (1978)
Mama Carlson: Mr. Travis, are you responsible for the strange sounds I heard emanating from my radio this morning?
Andy Travis: I am.
Mama Carlson: Well, explain yourself!
Andy Travis: Well, I *like* the sounds you heard this morning.
Mama Carlson: Young man, this radio station is a business. It is not for your personal listening pleasure.

[about changing the format of the station]
Dr. Johnny Fever: Ah, listen, you, you do mean *now*?
Andy Travis: Yes. And... you can say "booger" if you want to.
[he leaves]
Dr. Johnny Fever: Well, it's good-bye to the elevator music!
[gleefully flings an old record off a turntable and replaces it; then hesitates, looking at the playing record]
Dr. Johnny Fever: Do it!
[scratches the old record off]
Dr. Johnny Fever: All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get *down*! Now, you got Johnny... Doctor Johnny Fever, and I am burnin' up in here! Whoo! Whoo! We all in critical condition, babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, because I got the healing prescription here from the big 'KRP musical medicine cabinet. Now I am talking about your 50,000 watt intensive care unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears real wide and say, "Give it to me straight, Doctor, I can take it!"
[starts Ted Nugent's "Queen of the Forest", then puts on his sunglasses]
Dr. Johnny Fever: I almost forgot, fellow babies..."Booger!"

Andy Travis: Sunshine. Haven't I heard of you?
Dr. Johnny Fever: You're not a cop, are ya?
Andy Travis: [shakes his head] Johnny Sunshine... Johnny Sunshine! I remember, yeah! It was Los Angeles in the late 60s, Johnny Sunshine Boss Jack! You were uh, you were very hot, man.
Dr. Johnny Fever: Yeah.
Andy Travis: Something happened there though. Station fired you for some reason.
Dr. Johnny Fever: Well, I'll tell you something, baby. They all fire ya sooner or later.
Andy Travis: Yeah, I know, but this was something that you uh, something you did.
Dr. Johnny Fever: Yeah, well, we all do things, right?
Andy Travis: Uh-huh. It was something that you said.
Dr. Johnny Fever: Yeah. "Booger."
Andy Travis: What?
Dr. Johnny Fever: I used the word "booger" on the air.
Andy Travis: That's right!
Dr. Johnny Fever: Yeah. I was making about a hundred grand a year out there. Then one day I said "booger," a bunch of bozos call the station, next thing I know I'm in Amarillo hosting a garden show.

Andy Travis: Mrs. Carlson, rock and roll is where the money is.
Mama Carlson: How much money?
Andy Travis: Well, I think we can break even the first year, the second year I think...
Mama Carlson: Second year? I'm talking about now!
Andy Travis: Well, these things take time, ma'am. We break even the first year, the second year we clear maybe $800,000 after taxes...
Mama Carlson: Too little and too late!
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Too little? Mama, that $800,000 is *profits*, not losses!
Mama Carlson: I can sell the station for five times that amount right now! I want a faster turnaround!
Andy Travis: Ma'am, well, I hate to say it, but I... I personally cannot work that way. I guess I am fired.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: No, wait a minute! Mama look, you've been on my back for years to turn a profit here. Now when I'm finally getting started, you want to dump the station! Let me tell you something, if he goes, I go!
Mama Carlson: What?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: That's what I said!
Mama Carlson: Arthur, you've never spoken to me that way before!
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Yeah, well. Uh, do you like it?
Mama Carlson: I hate it! But it's the first time I've seen any sign of backbone in you.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: [about the forthcoming format change] This wouldn't involve rock n roll, would it?
Andy Travis: It might.
[He leaves Mr. Carlson's office]
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: My God. She's gonna kill us all.

Dr. Johnny Fever: [to Travis] So, what are you thinking of changing the format to?
Andy Travis: Oh, I dunno. I haven't really thought about it yet.
[as he says this, he clearly hangs a poster of the band Kiss on the wall]
Dr. Johnny Fever: [Sits up and takes notice] Um, you know about Carlson's mother, right?
Andy Travis: Yeah.
Dr. Johnny Fever: You're gonna love it in Amarillo.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: An Explosive Affair: Part 2 (#4.2)" (1981)
Jennifer Marlowe: [answering phone] WKRP.
Jennifer Marlowe: Will you hold on please, the man you want to speak with is right next to me.
[turns to Andy]
Jennifer Marlowe: Andy, he says he's from Black Monday.
Andy Travis: [tense, hushed... Jennifer covers mouthpiece] Get on another phone and call the police. Keep them on the line.
[takes receiver]
Andy Travis: Hello, this is Andy Travis.
Andy Travis: Well, we all have our problems, may I tell you mine?
Andy Travis: I have two DJ's out at the transmitter, and I can't reach them.
Andy Travis: Well, I guess it doesn't matter that you didn't mean to hurt anybody now, does it?
Andy Travis: All right, all right, just slow down.
Andy Travis: You wanna tell me where you put the bomb?
Andy Travis: You wanna tell me why you did that?
[covers mouthpiece and turns to Herb, hushed]
Andy Travis: Go and tell Jennifer that the bomb is inside a tool box.
Herb Tarlek: Tool box?
[Andy waves him away, Herb runs off]
Andy Travis: [returns to caller] No, no, no, I'm listening.
Andy Travis: We're all guilty
Andy Travis: , I understand.

Jennifer Marlowe: [Jennifer checking her watch while on the phone patch with Madigan] Andy, it's 3:30.
Andy Travis: [smiling... monitor speaker is still playing music, confirming that they're still on the air] The bomb... I KNEW IT!
Jennifer Marlowe: [talking to Madigan on phone] Do you see anything...
[monitor speaker suddenly drops from music to static]
Jennifer Marlowe: officer?
[tears start forming in Jennifer's eyes]
Andy Travis: [quietly] It's an old transmitter... it breaks down all the time.
[Jennifer's head drops and she begins to cry]
Andy Travis: [hushed] The bomb?
[Jennifer nods... a shaken Andy walks slowly back to his office, in stunned shock]

Bailey Quarters: [Andy and Bailey are standing in the WKRP studio as Andy prepares to break in to warn Johnny and Venus of the bomb at the transmitter] Andy, I need to tell you...
Andy Travis: Look Bailey, I know it's unprofessional... but they're not answering at the transmitter.
Bailey Quarters: Andy...
Andy Travis: [into microphone] We interrupt this broadcast for a special emergency announcement... this is Andy Travis calling Venus
[throws mike and its boom up in frustration]
Andy Travis: ... I'm not on the air!
Bailey Quarters: [rushed] I tried to tell you, studio-transmitter link's only one way!
Andy Travis: [confused] What?
Bailey Quarters: [slower] I said... the studio-transmitter link is only one way... until they throw the switch, the studio is dead!
Andy Travis: Well, that's dumb! Who set that up?
Bailey Quarters: You did... it was cheaper that way
[Andy rolls eyes at his own poor judgement]
Bailey Quarters: .

Andy Travis: [frantically, after the transmitter has blown up] Where is Venus? Where is Venus?
Dr. Johnny Fever: [out of breath] He's... He's...
Andy Travis: He's what?
Dr. Johnny Fever: ...parking the car!

Les Nessman: [after the bomb has destroyed the transmitter] Johnny, Venus, you're alive?
Dr. Johnny Fever: The newsman's eye, you just can't fool it.
Les Nessman: [Sadly] That's wonderful?
Venus Flytrap: Gee, thanks Les.
Les Nessman: Of course, I'll have to update my story.
Venus Flytrap: Story!
Les Nessman: How'd you like it Andy?
Andy Travis: How'd I like what Les?
Les Nessman: My 4 o'clock news report, didn't you listen?
Andy Travis: Les, the transmitter blew up.
Les Nessman: Of course, that was my lead.
Dr. Johnny Fever: Wait a minute, you lead off your newscast by telling them that we were off the air?
Les Nessman: I can include that in my update.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Johnny Comes Back (#1.14)" (1979)
Andy Travis: [Andy has fired Doug after discovering his history of payola to support a drug habit] I want you out of here.
Doug Winner: [turning to Carlson] Mr. Carlson, I...
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: [gently but firmly] I think you'd better go, son.
Doug Winner: [angry as he opens the door to Carlson's office to leave] You know what? You're all a bunch of small-timers anyway!
Andy Travis: [knocks doorknob out of Doug's hand, forcing the door closed... holds his hand out] Where's the coke?
Doug Winner: I don't know. I guess Carlson puts it on his feet.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: [Doug leaves and Andy turns to Carlson, stunned] Good heavens! I've lost all the feeling in my left foot!
[stomping his foot on floor]
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: For the love of Pete, Andy, I'm hooked!
Andy Travis: No, you're gonna be fine!
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: [beating frantically on his foot with his shoe] I've got a monkey on my foot!

Andy Travis: [Andy has called Doug Winner into Carlson's office to fire him] Are you doing coke?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh ease up, Travis. I have a little coke every now and then.

Andy Travis: I think we're going to have to fire Doug Winner. Remember when I told you he was giving some songs too much play? I talked to him about it. He said fine, but he didn't stop.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: You don't supposed that kid's on the take, do you?
Andy Travis: I'm afraid so... I made a couple of calls, and it checks out.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Turkeys Away (#1.7)" (1978)
Les Nessman: I'm here with hundreds of people who have gathered to witness what has been described as perhaps the greatest turkey event in Thanksgiving Day history. All we know for sure is that in a very few moments there are going to be a lot of happy people out here. Now the crowd is...
[passers-by gawk at Les]
Les Nessman: The... the crowd is uh... curious but well behaved. And I think I hear something now. Uh... The crowd is moving out into the parking area. And... oh yes! I can see it now. It's a... it's a... helicopter and it's coming this way!
Andy Travis: A helicopter?
Les Nessman: It's flying something behind it and I can't quite make it out. It's a large banner and it says H A P P Y... T H A N K S... giving... from W... K... R... P! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen. What a sight. The 'copter seems to circling the parking area now. I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of a helicopter. It's a dark object, perhaps a skydiver plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air... There's a third... No parachutes yet... Those can't be skydivers. I can't tell just yet what they are but... Oh my God! They're turkeys! Oh no! Johnny can you get this? Oh, they're crashing to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! This is terrible! Everyone's running around pushing each other. Oh my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about. The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Folks, I don't know how much longer... The crowd is running for their lives. I think I'm going to step inside. I can't stand here and watch this anymore. No, I can't go in there. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this. I don't know how much longer I can hold my position here, Johnny. The crowd...
Dr. Johnny Fever: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les isn't there. Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. For those of you who've just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

[Les walks in, looking dazed]
Venus Flytrap: Les! Are you okay?
Les Nessman: I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the turkeys hit the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered but, some of them tried to attack *me*! I had to jam myself into a phone booth! Then Mr. Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle of the parking lot. I guess he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the turkeys loose. It gets pretty strange after that.
Venus Flytrap: [to Andy] *How* is it strange?
Andy Travis: Yeah, right. Les, c'mon now, tell us the rest.
Les Nessman: [freaked out] I really don't know how to describe it. It was like the turkeys mounted a counter-attack! It was almost as if they were... organized!
[Mr. Carlson comes out of his office]
Arthur Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Hoodlum Rock (#1.4)" (1978)
Blood: [the three members of Scum of the Earth have entered the dressing room, where Andy, Johnny and Venus are waiting for them] I suppose you've heard that the three of us have decided that we're not going on this evening.
Andy Travis: [going toe to toe with the band] Right. The three of us have decided that the three of you ARE going on this evening.
[Everyone looks at Johnny]
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: [shrugs] Well... for Rock and Roll.
[joins Andy and Venus]

Andy Travis: We need a band that's going to go along with our rock'n'roll format.
Steve Pievy: I do have one act. They *must* be a rock and roll band. Their name's "Scum of the Earth".
Andy Travis: [excited] You book Scum?
Steve Pievy: Not as a rule.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Preacher (#1.22)" (1979)
Andy Travis: [Andy has finished putting the list of conditions for Little Ed to continue his broadcasts] ... no merchandise of any sort.
Rev. Little Ed Pembrook: But I got a whole warehouse full of that stuff! I have more than 600 units of "The World is Coming to an End" lawn furniture alone!

Andy Travis: Why do they call him "Little Ed"?
Venus Flytrap: Because his wife is Big Ed!

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Clean Up Radio Everywhere (#3.22)" (1981)
Andy Travis: I suppose in the meantime, you're going to lose money for a principle?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Hey, Travis, when it comes to losing advertising clients, these bozos don't know who they're up against.
Andy Travis: I'm going to fight them tooth and nail.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: I know you are.
Andy Travis: If all else fails, I might set Les Nessman on them.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Boy, that could signal the end of organized religion as we know it.

Andy Travis: Half the time you can't even hear the lyrics.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Well, these people, these CURB monitors, they figured out the lyrics.
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: They sure did! Boy, I can see 'em now, huddled there in the corner of the church, playing every record slower and slower... then suddenly, "There's a naughty word!"

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Up and Down the Dial (#4.22)" (1982)
Andy Travis: [Andy and Venus have just showed up at Mama Carlson's house, and both are drunk. Venus is holding Andy up] Mrs. Carlson... I'm tired of your crud!
Venus Flytrap: Yeah!
[falls to floor]
Andy Travis: And I've got three things I want to say to you... number two...
[falls to floor]

Mama Carlson: [reading to Andy the summary of a report prepared by a programming consultant she has hired to suggest format options] WKRP's Top 40 audience is at its peak. The sound quality of the AM signal cannot compete with FM stations. If WKRP is to remain profitable in the long run, we suggest switching to a non-music format... all news.
Andy Travis: Well, I'm sorry... I don't know anything about programming an all-news station.
Mama Carlson: That's why I hired Mr. Von Sanker.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Les on a Ledge (#1.3)" (1978)
Les Nessman: You wanted to see me?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, uh, yes, of course we do, Les. Uh, look, would you just sit down right over here please, right here in the chair, 'cause Herb has something that he wants to tell you. C'mon Andy, let's go.
Andy Travis: No, you and I should both stay.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Okay, uh, Herb, you uh, you tell him.
Les Nessman: Les, Jennifer's a guy!
Andy Travis, Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: [simultaneously] WHAT?

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Young Master Carlson (#1.20)" (1979)
Andy Travis: This is Venus Flytrap.
Arthur Carlson Jr.: You're black!
Venus Flytrap: [feigning shock and fear] I am? Oh, no!
Arthur Carlson Jr.: We didn't have any blacks at Prussian Valley!
Venus Flytrap: [calling after Carlson and his son as they walk away] That's 'cause there ain't no blacks DUMB enough to go to a place called Prussian Valley!
[turns to Johnny Fever]
Venus Flytrap: Yo man, how come you didn't tell me I was black?

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Bad Risk (#2.4)" (1979)
Andy Travis: Listen, Herb, does this big-shot 60 Minutes Insurance Company pay off its claims?
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Sure, ever since Mike got 'em the second time.
[Carlson tosses his insurance forms back to Herb, unfinished]

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Commercial Break (#1.17)" (1979)
Andy Travis: OK, let me ask you this. Can't we do a cheap-o commercial? I mean, hire professional musicans, but maybe, sing the jingle ourselves?
Venus Flytrap: Can anyone around here sing?
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Any jerk can sing. These are the copy points that you gotta work in to it. OK, now: A: All weather floral arrangements.
Venus Flytrap: What does that mean?
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: That's a plastic flowers.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: B: Maintenance-free artificial turf.
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: Plastic Grass.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: C: They accept all major credit cards.
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: That would be your plastic money.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Plus, six convenient locations, open weekends, all night hot line, group discount rates and free parking.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Filthy Pictures: Part 2 (#2.22)" (1980)
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: [a recap from the previous episodes which plays at the beginning of this one] This photographer of Herb's choosing somehow got nude photos of our Jennifer.
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: How nude is she?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, she's uh, nude nude.
Venus Flytrap: Isn't that against the law?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Apparently not. The leases were signed, the Attorney says that we can fight it, but the pictures are probably gonna get published no matter what happens.
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: I suggest we Watergate.
Venus Flytrap: Are you nuts? Breaking and entering is a felony!
Andy Travis: We get caught, we could go to jail.
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: Yeah, and that's the part of the plan that I don't like.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Who Is Gordon Sims? (#1.18)" (1979)
Les Nessman: What is Venus doing for the Army, Andy?
Andy Travis: [after several fake looks around to see if anyone is listening, he whispers the answer to Les] he's peeling potatoes.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Pilot: Part 2 (#1.2)" (1978)
Andy Travis: Got any ideas?
Dr. Johnny Fever: No, I try not to have any ideas. They only lead to complications. Suppose I give you a great idea. Let's suppose that this great idea works and the station actually starts making a lot of money. Do you know what that can lead to, Andy? Memos. Before you know it, assigned parking spaces. Then chrome furniture, and lots of paintings of wistful children with big eyes. Believe me, I've seen it happen before!
Andy Travis: All right, don't get all shook up, you don't have to help.
Dr. Johnny Fever: But don't you see? No one should!

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Never Leave Me, Lucille (#1.15)" (1979)
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Hi guys!
Andy Travis: Oh, what's your sign?
Venus Flytrap: You live around here, mama?
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: Want a little action, sugar?
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Well, Les, don't you have an opening line?
Les Nessman: [Looks uneasy, then sits down an picks up a drink] Hi, I'm extremely wealthy.
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Ooh.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: The Union (#4.3)" (1981)
Andy Travis: These things take time.
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: Spoken like a true, crypto-fascist, puppet of the managerial elite. Travis, I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror.
Andy Travis: Well, I like looking at myself in the mirror.