Herb Tarlek
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Quotes for
Herb Tarlek (Character)
from "WKRP in Cincinnati" (1978)

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"WKRP in Cincinnati: Young Master Carlson (#1.20)" (1979)
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: [Mr. Carlson has just called his son to his office after talking back to Venus] Well, he knows that's he's not supposed to be picking on little white kids!
Venus Flytrap: [lunging at Herb] How about BIG white kids?

Arthur Carlson Jr.: [less pays Arthur Carlson Jr. to learn what Mrs. Carlson says about him] She says that you're obtuse.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: [reading dictionary] Adultry... Admire...
Les Nessman: Let me see that.
[takes dictionary away from Herb]
Les Nessman: Obtuse...
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: [snatching dictionary back from Less] Addle-minded!
Les Nessman: [snatching back the dictionary] Obtuse!
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: [Herb attempts to snatch dictionary, but Less slams Herb's hand in the book] Addle-ow!
Bailey Quarters: [entering] Hi, guys.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Oh, hi, Baily. Met Carlson's son?
Bailey Quarters: Yes. I've had the pleasure.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Well, he's guite a kid. Let me tell you.
[under breath to Arthur Carlson Jr]
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Tell your dad I said that.
Les Nessman: [excited] Obtuse! According to Websters, exceeding ninety degrees but less than one-hundred eighty degrees; lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility; rounded at the free end; dull.
[looking offended]
Les Nessman: That's an insult!
Bailey Quarters: Less, take it easy.
Les Nessman: Take it easy!
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Yeah. Just calm down, okay?
Les Nessman: Don't tell me to calm down. I just paid five dollars to find out I'm rounded at the free end!
Bailey Quarters: Cool off, Less.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: He's just mad because he's not addle-minded.
Les Nessman: I am too.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: No. You're not.
Les Nessman: [Herb and Less start hitting each other] Yes. I am.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: No. You're not.
Les Nessman: Yes. I am!
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: You're not!
Bailey Quarters: You guys! You are both addle-minded!
Les Nessman: Thank you, Baily.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Bad Risk (#2.4)" (1979)
Andy Travis: Listen, Herb, does this big-shot 60 Minutes Insurance Company pay off its claims?
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Sure, ever since Mike got 'em the second time.
[Carlson tosses his insurance forms back to Herb, unfinished]

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: You know what we call problems in sales? We call them opportunities.
J. Garrett Hopkins: Les, your friend is a twit.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: To Err Is Human (#4.21)" (1982)
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Well Herb, what do you think? What we have here is a commercial for Soul Suds shampoo, a shampoo which is exclusively marketed to the hip black customer. Am I correct?
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Yes, sir.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Then why are we looking at the picture of this really idiotic-looking white man?

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Rumors (#4.4)" (1981)
Les Nessman: Well I'm shocked.
Bailey Quarters: I'm amazed.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: I'm stunned.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Well, I guess everything's normal here.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Turkeys Away (#1.7)" (1978)
Jennifer Marlowe: You want me, Mr. Carlson?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, yeah. Come in, Jennifer. Have a seat.
Jennifer Marlowe: No, thank you.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Well all right. At this particular point in time, I would like to dictate a press release.
Jennifer Marlowe: I don't take dictation.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: What? Alright, I guess I can do this thing myself. It's probably going to be a long meeting though; so why don't you get coffee for all the guys here?
Jennifer Marlowe: I don't get coffee, Mr. Carlson. We agreed.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, yeah.
Jennifer Marlowe: You have to draw the line somewhere.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: You got that right.
Jennifer Marlowe: Will there be anything else I can do?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: No. I think that about does it.
Jennifer Marlowe: Thank you.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, no. Thank you.
Les Nessman: How does she get away with that?
Herb Tarlek: Are you kidding?

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Hoodlum Rock (#1.4)" (1978)
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Hey Big Guy, have you ever heard a Scum record?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: This may amaze you, Herb, but no.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Yeah well, I wrote down the lyrics to one called "Love is Murder", you wanna hear it?
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: What choices do I have?
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Yeah.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: "Love is murder, murder is love, I'm a rock'n'roll hoodlum with a black leather glove. Knock me down, baby, step on my face, I'm a fool for ya baby, let's blow up this place." Kinda catchy, huh?

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Commercial Break (#1.17)" (1979)
Andy Travis: OK, let me ask you this. Can't we do a cheap-o commercial? I mean, hire professional musicans, but maybe, sing the jingle ourselves?
Venus Flytrap: Can anyone around here sing?
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Any jerk can sing. These are the copy points that you gotta work in to it. OK, now: A: All weather floral arrangements.
Venus Flytrap: What does that mean?
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: That's a plastic flowers.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: B: Maintenance-free artificial turf.
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: Plastic Grass.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: C: They accept all major credit cards.
Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: That would be your plastic money.
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Plus, six convenient locations, open weekends, all night hot line, group discount rates and free parking.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: A Date with Jennifer (#1.10)" (1979)
Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: [Showing Les how to ask Jennifer for a date] This is how you do it: What do you say, beautiful, you and me getting it together tonight. You only go around once in life, so why not grab a little gusto?
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: I don't like "little" gustos, Herb.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: An Explosive Affair: Part 2 (#4.2)" (1981)
Jennifer Marlowe: [answering phone] WKRP.
Jennifer Marlowe: Will you hold on please, the man you want to speak with is right next to me.
[turns to Andy]
Jennifer Marlowe: Andy, he says he's from Black Monday.
Andy Travis: [tense, hushed... Jennifer covers mouthpiece] Get on another phone and call the police. Keep them on the line.
[takes receiver]
Andy Travis: Hello, this is Andy Travis.
Andy Travis: Well, we all have our problems, may I tell you mine?
Andy Travis: I have two DJ's out at the transmitter, and I can't reach them.
Andy Travis: Well, I guess it doesn't matter that you didn't mean to hurt anybody now, does it?
Andy Travis: All right, all right, just slow down.
Andy Travis: You wanna tell me where you put the bomb?
Andy Travis: You wanna tell me why you did that?
[covers mouthpiece and turns to Herb, hushed]
Andy Travis: Go and tell Jennifer that the bomb is inside a tool box.
Herb Tarlek: Tool box?
[Andy waves him away, Herb runs off]
Andy Travis: [returns to caller] No, no, no, I'm listening.
Andy Travis: We're all guilty
Andy Travis: , I understand.

"WKRP in Cincinnati: Jennifer and the Will (#4.8)" (1981)
Les Nessman: What is an executrix?
Herb Tarlek: It's something to do with high-heels and a whole lotta leather. Something like that.