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: I'm here with hundreds of people who have gathered to witness what has been described as perhaps the greatest turkey event in Thanksgiving Day history. All we know for sure is that in a very few moments there are going to be a lot of happy people out here. Now the crowd is...
[passers-by gawk at Les
] Les Nessman
: The... the crowd is uh... curious but well behaved. And I think I hear something now. Uh... The crowd is moving out into the parking area. And... oh yes! I can see it now. It's a... it's a... helicopter and it's coming this way! Andy Travis
: A helicopter? Les Nessman
: It's flying something behind it and I can't quite make it out. It's a large banner and it says H A P P Y... T H A N K S... giving... from W... K... R... P! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen. What a sight. The 'copter seems to circling the parking area now. I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of a helicopter. It's a dark object, perhaps a skydiver plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air... There's a third... No parachutes yet... Those can't be skydivers. I can't tell just yet what they are but... Oh my God! They're turkeys! Oh no! Johnny can you get this? Oh, they're crashing to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! This is terrible! Everyone's running around pushing each other. Oh my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about. The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Folks, I don't know how much longer... The crowd is running for their lives. I think I'm going to step inside. I can't stand here and watch this anymore. No, I can't go in there. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this. I don't know how much longer I can hold my position here, Johnny. The crowd... Dr. Johnny Fever
: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les isn't there. Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. For those of you who've just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.
: You want me, Mr. Carlson? Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Oh, yeah. Come in, Jennifer. Have a seat. Jennifer Marlowe
: No, thank you. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Well all right. At this particular point in time, I would like to dictate a press release. Jennifer Marlowe
: I don't take dictation. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: What? Alright, I guess I can do this thing myself. It's probably going to be a long meeting though; so why don't you get coffee for all the guys here? Jennifer Marlowe
: I don't get coffee, Mr. Carlson. We agreed. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Oh, yeah. Jennifer Marlowe
: You have to draw the line somewhere. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: You got that right. Jennifer Marlowe
: Will there be anything else I can do? Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: No. I think that about does it. Jennifer Marlowe
: Thank you. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Oh, no. Thank you. Les Nessman
: How does she get away with that? Herb Tarlek
: Are you kidding?
[Les walks in, looking dazed
] Venus Flytrap
: Les! Are you okay? Les Nessman
: I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the turkeys hit the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered but, some of them tried to attack *me*! I had to jam myself into a phone booth! Then Mr. Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle of the parking lot. I guess he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the turkeys loose. It gets pretty strange after that. Venus Flytrap
: [to Andy
] *How* is it strange? Andy Travis
: Yeah, right. Les, c'mon now, tell us the rest. Les Nessman
: [freaked out
] I really don't know how to describe it. It was like the turkeys mounted a counter-attack! It was almost as if they were... organized!
[Mr. Carlson comes out of his office
] Arthur Carlson
: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!
: You wanted to see me? Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Oh, uh, yes, of course we do, Les. Uh, look, would you just sit down right over here please, right here in the chair, 'cause Herb has something that he wants to tell you. C'mon Andy, let's go. Andy Travis
: No, you and I should both stay. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Okay, uh, Herb, you uh, you tell him. Les Nessman
: Les, Jennifer's a guy! Andy Travis
, Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: The doctor says that Herb can go home in a week. Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe
: I know, I saw him too. Les Nessman
: Did he seem all right to you? Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe
: As well as can be expected. Les Nessman
: Well, I think he must have hit that net head-first. He kept asking me the same question over and over again. This is pretty complicated, but he wanted to know: if a guy dates a girl who used to be a guy, but isn't anymore, what does that make the guy who dates the girl who used to be a guy?
[pause, Jennifer looks at Johnny
] Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella
: That's a toughy.
: Well I'm shocked. Bailey Quarters
: I'm amazed. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: I'm stunned. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Well, I guess everything's normal here.
Arthur Carlson Jr.
: [less pays Arthur Carlson Jr. to learn what Mrs. Carlson says about him
] She says that you're obtuse. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: [reading dictionary
] Adultry... Admire... Les Nessman
: Let me see that.
[takes dictionary away from Herb
] Les Nessman
: Obtuse... Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: [snatching dictionary back from Less
] Addle-minded! Les Nessman
: [snatching back the dictionary
] Obtuse! Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: [Herb attempts to snatch dictionary, but Less slams Herb's hand in the book
] Addle-ow! Bailey Quarters
] Hi, guys. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: Oh, hi, Baily. Met Carlson's son? Bailey Quarters
: Yes. I've had the pleasure. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: Well, he's guite a kid. Let me tell you.
[under breath to Arthur Carlson Jr
] Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: Tell your dad I said that. Les Nessman
] Obtuse! According to Websters, exceeding ninety degrees but less than one-hundred eighty degrees; lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility; rounded at the free end; dull.
] Les Nessman
: That's an insult! Bailey Quarters
: Less, take it easy. Les Nessman
: Take it easy! Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: Yeah. Just calm down, okay? Les Nessman
: Don't tell me to calm down. I just paid five dollars to find out I'm rounded at the free end! Bailey Quarters
: Cool off, Less. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: He's just mad because he's not addle-minded. Les Nessman
: I am too. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: No. You're not. Les Nessman
: [Herb and Less start hitting each other
] Yes. I am. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: No. You're not. Les Nessman
: Yes. I am! Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek
: You're not! Bailey Quarters
: You guys! You are both addle-minded! Les Nessman
: Thank you, Baily.
: When someone plays mind games with Les Nessman, they're walking on thin ice.
: [Ivan is flirting with Bailey after a press conference on Soviet pork production in Cincinnati
] Let's just stick to pigs, comrade. Ivan Popasonaviski
: [still locked in a gaze with Bailey
] Press conference over, Howdy.
: Steel, is it? Steel Hawthorne
: Yeah, Steel Hawthorn. Les Nessman
: That's a nice name. Steel Hawthorne
: Thanks. I like to think that a person's name says a lot about the type of person he is. What was your name again?
: What is Venus doing for the Army, Andy? Andy Travis
: [after several fake looks around to see if anyone is listening, he whispers the answer to Les
] he's peeling potatoes.
: [about the protesters
] Mr. Carlson, as news director of this station, I demand to know what's going on here. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Well, your worst fears have been realized, Les. That group out in the lobby? They're Cubans. Les Nessman
: Oh, no... Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Yep, it's a plot. I think the Red Chinese are behind it. Les Nessman
: Somehow I always thought we were safe from that sort of thing here in Cincinnati.
: If Edward R. Murrow, my idol, were here, he'd say, "That's censorship!" On the other hand, if General George Patton -- my other idol -- were here, I think he'd take a battalion of tanks, and knock those liberal pinheads into the Ohio River!
] Les Nessman
: So, as you can see ... I'm a very confused man.
: [after the bomb has destroyed the transmitter
] Johnny, Venus, you're alive? Dr. Johnny Fever
: The newsman's eye, you just can't fool it. Les Nessman
] That's wonderful? Venus Flytrap
: Gee, thanks Les. Les Nessman
: Of course, I'll have to update my story. Venus Flytrap
: Story! Les Nessman
: How'd you like it Andy? Andy Travis
: How'd I like what Les? Les Nessman
: My 4 o'clock news report, didn't you listen? Andy Travis
: Les, the transmitter blew up. Les Nessman
: Of course, that was my lead. Dr. Johnny Fever
: Wait a minute, you lead off your newscast by telling them that we were off the air? Les Nessman
: I can include that in my update.
: What is an executrix? Herb Tarlek
: It's something to do with high-heels and a whole lotta leather. Something like that.
Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Here, Les. Read the disaster plan. Les Nessman
: But, Mr. Carlson, the disaster plan doesn't say anything about tornadoes. It's for what to do if we are ever attacked by the Russians... or Chinese! Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson
: Well... Just read the plan and wherever you see the word "Russian" substitute the word "tornado!" Les Nessman
: [into the microphone
] Citizens of Cincinnati, we are being attacked by the godless... tornadoes!
Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe
: Hi guys! Andy Travis
: Oh, what's your sign? Venus Flytrap
: You live around here, mama? Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella
: Want a little action, sugar? Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe
: Well, Les, don't you have an opening line? Les Nessman
: [Looks uneasy, then sits down an picks up a drink
] Hi, I'm extremely wealthy. Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe