Keith Partridge
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Quotes for
Keith Partridge (Character)
from "Saturday Night Live" (1975)

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"The Partridge Family: What? and Get Out of Show Business? (#1.1)" (1970)
Laurie Partridge: [rehearsing in the garage during the pilot episode, Laurie is looking skeptically at her sheet music] Y'know, I've been thinking about these lyrics.
Keith: Yeah, what about them?
Laurie Partridge: Well, do you think they're really "relevant"?
Keith: Relevant? One lousy sit-in and suddenly she's Joan Baez.

Shirley Renfrew Partridge: [the Family is backstage, about to make their debut in Las Vegas. Shirley is having stage fright]
[Through clenched teeth]
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: I'm having trouble moving my mouth.
Danny: Don't worry about it, it's perfectly normal.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: How can I sing if I can't move my mouth?
Keith: Just fake it, ok?
[Shirley suddenly bends over and clutches her knees]
Keith: Why are you feeling your knees?
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: I think they're locked.
Danny: Good. That'll stop you from falling if you pass out.
Laurie Partridge: Don't worry Mom, we'll all be here to help you.
Christopher "Chris" Partridge #1: Sure, you don't have to worry about a thing!
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Aren't you kids nervous at all?
Laurie Partridge: No.
Danny: Why should we be nervous? We're terrific!
Club Manager: All right, places everyone. We're ready to go!
Keith: [as they quickly take their places] You're gonna be wonderful, honest, Mom.
Laurie Partridge: This is the big time. You'll be great, you'll be fantastic, nothing to worry about.
Danny: Relax, Mom, but just remember our whole future depends on these next few minutes.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: [groans] Ohhhhhhhhh...

Shirley Renfrew Partridge: [the Family is backstage, about to make their debut in Las Vegas. Shirley is having stage fright. Through clenched teeth:] I'm having trouble moving my mouth.
Danny: Don't worry about it, it's perfectly normal.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: How can I sing if I can't move my mouth?
Keith: Just fake it, ok?
Keith: [Shirley suddenly bends over and clutches her knees] Why are you feeling your knees?
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: I think they're locked.
Danny: Good. That'll stop you from falling if you pass out.
Laurie Partridge: Don't worry Mom, we'll all be here to help you.
Christopher "Chris" Partridge #1: Sure, you don't have to worry about a thing!
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Aren't you kids nervous at all?
Laurie Partridge: No.
Danny: Why should we be nervous? We're terrific!
Club Manager: All right, places everyone. We're ready to go!
Keith: [as they quickly take their places] You're gonna be wonderful, honest, Mom.
Laurie Partridge: This is the big time. You'll be great, you'll be fantastic, nothing to worry about.
Danny: Relax, Mom, but just remember our whole future depends on these next few minutes.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: [groans] Ohhhhhhhhh...


"The Partridge Family: Keith and Lauriebelle (#4.19)" (1974)
Keith: This whole thing is your fault! You and your dumb ideas!
Danny: Anyone can come up with a dumb idea, but it takes a real numbskull to listen to it

Laurie Partridge: Where'd you get that awful shaving lotion?
Keith: You gave it to me for Christmas.

Keith: ...This whole thing is your fault! You and your dumb ideas!
Danny: Anyone can come up with a dumb idea, but it takes a real numbskull to listen to it.


"The Partridge Family: I Can Get It for You Retail (#2.11)" (1971)
Keith: Come on, Danny. You've had your eye on my pickle ever since you came in here.

Keith: Has anybody got any ideas about what they're going to do for Mom's birthday?
Laurie Partridge: I thought about offering to do all the cooking for a month. How about you?
Keith: I'll buy the family a stomach pump.


"The Partridge Family: Waiting for Bolero (#2.17)" (1972)
Laurie Partridge: Bolero! On your first date?
Keith: I happen to like Bolero.
Danny: What's Bolero?
Laurie Partridge: You know about the birds and the bees, don't you?
Danny: Of course!
Laurie Partridge: Well, they got the idea from listening to Bolero.


"The Partridge Family: The Undergraduate (#2.4)" (1971)
Danny: I wonder if your going to college is such a good idea.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: I don't think a little psychology course is going to take up that much time.
Danny: Well, campuses are a hotbed of radicals. I'm afraid you're going to get mixed up in some kind of protest march.
Laurie Partridge: I thought you had to be over 30 to be that establishment.
Keith: Maybe it's inches instead of years.


"The Partridge Family: The Partridge Papers (#2.22)" (1972)
Danny: In case you haven't heard, there are two words that are never used in the Partridge Family vocabulary: brotherly love.
Laurie Partridge: However, there are two words more commonly used.
Danny: Yes?
Keith: Get even.


"The Partridge Family: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Partridge (#2.7)" (1971)
Reuben Kincaid: Quick, give me your middle name fast.
Keith: "Douglas", satisfied?
Reuben Kincaid: I don't know. I didn't know your middle name.


"The Partridge Family: Whatever Happened to Keith Partridge? (#3.11)" (1972)
Keith Douglas Partridge: [Rehearsing lines from the script] Momma, give me one good reason why I shouldn't get him.
Danny Partridge: Because he's got a bigga, bigga gun!
Reuben Kincaid: W-w-wait a minute! Hold it! Where's that line in the script?
Danny Partridge: It's not in the script. I was improvising.
Reuben Kincaid: You, were improvising. If I improvised what I'm thinking, I'd get arrested for child beating.


"The Partridge Family: Love at First Slight (#1.6)" (1970)
Reuben Kincaid: [after learning a bunch of amorous girls have chased a visibly distressed Keith home from school] You do *like* girls, don't you?
Keith: Yeah, but one at a time. Not in groups!


"The Partridge Family: Miss Partridge, Teacher (#4.18)" (1974)
Laurie Partridge: I have got the greatest news!
Keith: You're taking your own apartment?


"The Partridge Family: My Son, the Feminist (#1.12)" (1970)
Keith: Nobody - *nobody* - censors our material. Censorship is not the path to equal rights.


"The Partridge Family: This Male Chauvinist Piggy Went to Market (#3.1)" (1972)
Laurie Partridge: It hasn't been easy for me either, you know. Do you know what they're calling me at school? Flip Wilson.
Keith: Do you know what they're calling me? Geraldine.


"The Partridge Family: When Mother Gets Married (#1.5)" (1970)
Laurie Partridge: I think it's nice Mom having a little romance in her life. Don't you?
Keith Douglas Partridge: Don't you think you're blowing this up a little out of proportion? I mean, after all, they only met a few hours ago.
Laurie Partridge: Yeah, well, Romeo and Juliet only knew each other one day.
Keith Douglas Partridge: And look what happened to them.


"The Partridge Family: To Play or Not to Play? (#1.19)" (1971)
Reuben Kincaid: Laurie! You're making me a nervous wreck!
Keith: Reuben, you've always been a nervous wreck.


"The Partridge Family: Swiss Family Partridge (#3.9)" (1972)
Laurie Partridge: Well, Chris and Tracy have to eat, so I'll volunteer some of my food.
Keith Douglas Partridge: Yeah, I will too.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: I will too.
Danny Partridge: I was going to give them some of my biscuit, but I don't have it anymore.
Reuben Kincaid: [about to take a bite of the biscuit that he took from Danny] Well, how important are they to the act?


"The Partridge Family: The Eleven-Year Itch (#3.18)" (1973)
Danny: Look, Keith, you've got to help me.
Keith: No, I don't.
Danny: All I need is a little advice.
Keith: About what?
Danny: About how to get rid of a woman that's crazy about you.
Keith: All right. You might start by revealing some of your bad points, which shouldn't be too difficult. Discourage her.
Danny: It wouldn't work. She'd know I was lying.
Keith: One thing's for sure: she's not hooked on your humility.


"The Partridge Family: Where Do Mermaids Go? (#2.14)" (1971)
Keith: I think we're lucky. I mean, we do work hard; but let's face it, there are worse ways of making money.


"The Partridge Family: For Sale by Owner (#3.13)" (1972)
Danny: [the family is putting their house up for sale. Danny takes it upon himself to write an exaggerated ad for the newspaper. He reads from his notes] "Now Available. Partridge Manor. Live among the stars".
Keith: Live among the stars! What stars?
Danny: Every night you just look up and there they are.


"The Partridge Family: Promise Her Anything, But Give Her a Punch (#2.21)" (1972)
Keith: Hi. Why does everybody look so glum?
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Keith. I'm afraid you have a big problem.
Keith: Oh, I do?
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Mm hmm. Little Gloria Hickey's in love with you.
Keith: Is this a put-on?
Laurie Partridge: Oh, afraid not, brother.
Laurie Partridge: She's gonna ask you to the sixth grade dance.
Keith: Poor Danny, does he know?
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: No, and I don't want him to know. It would break his heart.
Keith: What am I gonna do, I...
Danny: Laurie, Mom, Mr. Kincaid. To Keith: HOME WRECKER!
[He kicks him in the shin and runs]
Keith: Ow! I think he knows!