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: Okay, whatever. Look, where did you hide the wine? I need to get grandma a drink ASAP! Tommy Walker
: It's in the closet. Kitty Walker
: You put the wine in my closet?
[Kevin opens the closet door
] Kitty Walker
: Is your little boyfriend in there? Kevin Walker
: [yelling from closet
] He's not my boyfriend!
[Kitty and Robert enter a closet
] Robert McCallister
: If this is where you keep the wine, where do you keep your clothes? Kitty Walker
: Shut your mouth and come on. Shut the door.
[Robert shuts the door and looks around
] Robert McCallister
: I am having like a fifth grade flashback of Deena Segerson and seven minutes in heaven.
[Kitty pours wine into glasses
] Robert McCallister
: Have you always been a closet drinker? Kitty Walker
: Are you done? Robert McCallister
: No, I'll think of some more.
: [looking around closet at shoes
] Wow, this is quite a collection. Kitty Walker
: Oh yeah, if only my shoes could talk. Robert McCallister
: These are sufficiently slutty, what's their story? Kitty Walker
: Hamptons, 2002, broke a heel dancing on a table. Got sandwiched in between this, uh, club promoter and some tortured playwright. Robert McCallister
: [pointing out red platform shoes
] Do you want to explain those? Kitty Walker
] Oh my God. Yes, Halloween two years ago, um, Tribeca loft party. Jonathan and I went as Sonny and Cher. Robert McCallister
: Jonathan? Kitty Walker
: Uh, yeah, Jonathan, my ex-fiance. Yeah, I'd rather talk about my shoes. Robert McCallister
: You know tonight was unusually bizarre, even for my family. Robert McCallister
: Are you kidding me, it's been fantastic...
] Robert McCallister
: ...like dinner theatre or the circus.
: [in the closet
] You know, we've been in here for like over a minute here, and we haven't even done anything. I got more action from Deena Segerson in the fifth grade. Kitty Walker
: I can't. It's not that I don't want to, and I don't mean that I do want to, it's just that even if I did want to, I couldn't. Robert McCallister
: With that kind of logic, are you sure you're not a Democrat?
: Oh Kevin, you know please! Kitty Walker
: [to Robert
] Now help me out, can you just please tell him that you have a gay brother too? Ida Holden
: Who's gay? Robert McCallister
: I think you just outed two brothers for the price of one. Kevin Walker
: Thanks, Kitty. That would be me, grandma. I'm gay. Ida Holden
: Oh, you're not gay. Justin maybe, but you?
: What am I going to do, Kevin? Help me... Kevin Walker
: Okay, is there any chance you may have garlic, pasta, frozen peas and chicken broth? Kitty Walker
: No peas, but oh, you know what, I do have a little sage leftover from the dead chickens. Kevin Walker
: Okay, good. Then you can have a delicious meal ready in ten minutes that anyone in Milan would die for. And that was too gay a sentence even from me.
: [to Kitty
] We're all here together, and I must announce with some trepidation, you're no longer grounded. Justin Walker
: When she was fourteen, she was grounded indefinitely. Jonathan Sellers
: What for? Kitty Walker
: Oh, it had something to do with cigarettes and surf boards. Tommy Walker
: And shoplifting, and a boy named Pablo...
] Kitty Walker
: I am not the person you think I am, that's what you people can't seem to understand. I am not a bitch. I am not aggressively plotting to make our mother feel bad.
: You know, I thought when I quit my old job that I would gain in time what I lost in salary. But being a working mom is like a currency that never has enough value. Kitty Walker
: Oh my God, I'm going to steal that line.
: You were the one who virtually refused to be in my life for three years, who barely spoke, and I know it's because I unforgivably gave my opinion about Justin. Nora Walker
: Not refused, couldn't. I was afraid of the things I didn't want to say.
: No, mom. This is not just about my politics. Tommy and dad think the same things I do, and you've managed to reconcile forty years of loving somebody who fundamentally disagrees with you. But you can't love me. And I don't know what it's about. It's not about the war.
: He did love you though. He did. Nora Holden Walker
: But he didn't give up anything to do it. What kind of love is that?
: You don't know me, Kitty, but you're the first woman I've met in years who sends me spinning. I see you and I drop ten stories inside, every time. Kitty Walker
: Ah, Warren, you know what? We're not in the last ten minutes of a Julia Roberts movie.
: It's too much? You want to know what's too much? She's HERE. Mom invited her here. Kitty Walker
: What do you mean "she's here"? Justin Walker
: I mean she's out there drinking mojitoes and... and wearing big jewelery!
: I just lost you forever, didn't I? Jonathan Sellers
: I think so, yeah.
: So, what do you say we go out to dinner? Il Sole? Last week they sat me between Larry King and Fergie. Kitty Walker
: Warren, I'm not having dinner with you, or Fergie, anywhere, ever. Warren Salter
: I'll take that as a no. For now.
: I've got to make Hair Boy look Presidential. Robert McCallister
: Senator Hair Boy, please.
: [Robert opens the front door to find Nora and Justin lurking
] Mom! What are you doing? Nora Walker
: Nothing, nothing. I just got here and found Justin here lurking... Justin Walker
: I wasn't lurking. Nora Walker
: Then why didn't you go in? Justin Walker
: Because Kitty was yelling at the senator, Mom.
: I liked you so much better when you were stupid. Justin Walker
: You're stupid. Kitty Walker
: You're stupid. Justin Walker
: You're stupider. Kitty Walker
: You're the stupidest.
: Do you think that I'm aloof?
: From what I hear, Kevin's a serial dater. Kitty Walker
: No, no, no, he just, he just, you know, couldn't, no, no, he was just picking the wrong guys. Robert McCallister
: Please Kitty, you used the phrase, and I'm quoting here, "man whore".
: [talking about the last game night
] Was that the night that Kitty threw the trophy at your head? Tommy Walker
: Yeah, that was it. Twelve stitches. Kitty Walker
: No, it was six, six stitches. And I tossed it to you... Tommy Walker
: Threw it. Kitty Walker
: ...and you just somehow couldn't catch it.
: [trying to set Kevin up with Jason McCallister
] He's completely your type. Kevin Walker
: What, attractive and emotionally unavailable? Kitty Walker
: No, that would be you.
: [Kitty calls Sarah
] You are never going to believe this. I slept with McCallister. Sarah Whedon
: Oh God, Kitty, you scared me. I thought something bad had happened. Kitty Walker
: Something bad did happen. Do you understand that I work for him? He is my boss! Sarah Whedon
: Oh please, sleeping with co-workers is like a reflex for you.
: If you're gonna ask me something, you should just ask it. Kitty Walker
: Senator, are you running for President? Robert McCallister
: Yes, I am, Miss Walker. You know what else? I'm gonna win.
: I'm just trying to be nice. Kitty Walker
: I don't want nice, I want my mother.
: It's true what they say, tequila makes everything better. Sarah Whedon
: Nobody says that. Kitty Walker
: Well, when I'm first lady I'll say it and it'll catch on.
: You're the lying whore of the family! Kitty Walker
: And you're the stuck-up bitch!
: Look, I love you guys more than anything in the whole world, and I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days. I can't just sit here and let these people tear apart my family like this. God, Kitty, they almost killed you. Kitty Walker
: No, Justin, I'm fine, I'm here now, it's okay. Justin Walker
: I know, okay, but the same thing could happen tomorrow, or they could do something even worse. It's just not right. Nora Walker
: Justin, what's the matter? Justin Walker
: Nothing's the matter... I enlisted today.
: Woo, what are you all dressed up for? Nora Walker
: I'm not dressed up. Kitty Walker
: You're wearing a push-up bra. Nora Walker
: This is not a... it's a French cup... I got it on sale... You know, it wouldn't hurt you to wear a bra every now and then!
: I'm just completely in awe of you. You're really amazing. You're like totally my role model. Kitty Walker
] Oh, thanks. Amber Trachtenberg
: Except for, you know, your politics.
: Well, if you feel you're ready to move out, then... Kitty Walker
: Ready? Why wouldn't I be ready? Nora Walker
: Of course you're ready. And I will miss you, probably terribly. But let's face it, you're a little old to be living with your mother. Kitty Walker
: Oh you know what, mom, why do you have to insult me, why don't you just come out and tell me that you're gonna miss me? Nora Walker
: Why can't you just come out and say you're scared to move out? Why do you have to make me into this clinging neurotic mother who's trying to force you to stay? Sarah Whedon
: Wow, it's like the passive-aggressive Olympics here today.
: Of all the situations you've ever put me in. He's a minister? Kitty Walker
: Yes, he's a minister. Have you never met a minister before? Kevin Walker
: I've never sucked face with one before.
: If you guys ever need a babysitter... Sarah Whedon
: Do you know a good one? Kitty Walker
: Me. Seriously! If you ever need a night out... Sarah Whedon
] No. Our kids are Democrats.
: Kevin plays. Kevin Walker
: What? No, Kevin doesn't. Sarah Whedon
: Yeah, Kevin does play. He played on our high school golf team. Kevin Walker
: Yeah, only because I had a crush on Matthew Brown. I joined everything he joined, even Future Farmers of America... Yeah, he grew a prize-winning pumpkin. Kitty Walker
: Ooh, I bet he did.
: So I have an interview with Senator McCallister, but then when I come back I'd love to help. Nora Walker
: Oh Kitty, sweetie-pie, I don't know how to say this delicately, but I'm not cremating anything. Kitty Walker
: You know, I am an excellent cook, in fact some people even call me a chef. Nora Walker
: Some with a really good sense of humor.
: Mistakes were made. President Ronald Reagan said those words twenty years ago in a time when admitting a mistake was perceived as a sign of strength, not weakness. I made a mistake. I made a mistake in compromising the interview that you're about to see, and I made a mistake in continuing to defend a war that is in desperate need of reexamination. Reexamination which cannot come until we acknowledge that the war itself was a mistake.
: We talked twice, once on camera for about, probably twenty minutes. I don't even buy shoes without walking around in them longer than that. Robert McCallister
: You see these shoes? I bought them on the Internet. Sight unseen, never had a problem. I'm a very good judge of quality, Ms Walker, and of how things are going to fit. Kitty Walker
: Did you just compare me to shoes? Robert McCallister
: You started it.
: Oh it's not. It's not *top* secret. But it, yes it's a... it is, it's a very sensitive national security thing. I'm sorry that's all I can say about it. Kevin Walker
: I'm sorry, "thing"? Sarah Whedon
: That's why McCallister gave you a bag of lingerie to take with you? Oh yeah, I can see the faith of the free world hangs in the balance. Justin Walker
: Apparently that's not the only thing that's hanging. Kitty Walker
: Oh that's funny, Justin. When did you get to be so funny?
[Saul walks into a room full of Walker siblings
] Saul Holden
: Oh, I see. Everybody huddled together, talking about me. Kevin Walker
: No, Saul, we're not... Saul Holden
: It's okay, Kevin, you tell everybody everything anyway. Okay, I'll say it, fine. I'm gay! Kitty McCallister
: Oh. What? Tommy Walker
: You're gay? Kevin Walker
: We weren't talking about you, Saul. Saul Holden
: I'd like to offer Kevin a job. Kevin Walker
: What? Kitty McCallister
: As what? Robert McCallister
: I'd like you to consider replacing Kitty as my communications director. Kevin Walker
: That's a good one. That's a good... Why aren't you laughing? Kitty McCallister
: You know, honey, that's not your worst idea. Robert McCallister
: Right, he's perfect. He's smart, he's informed, he's a pain in the ass. Kevin Walker
: Thank you. Robert McCallister
: Well, you're not afraid to engage me. Kitty McCallister
: Yeah, you know, there's some sort of perverse sense in this. Kevin Walker
: I'm really sorry, have I just walked into an alternate universe where being a gay, liberal Democrat qualifies you to work for a Republican senator?
[Nora shouts into thin air
] Nora Walker
: I hate you, William Walker! You're a selfish son of a bitch! Kitty McCallister
: Oh, Mom, stop! Nora Walker
: Don't stop me. - You never loved anyone but yourself and your stupid penis!
: Are you in pain? Justin Walker
: No, no. They gave me a nerve block, so I don't feel anything from the waist down. Kevin Walker
: Great. At least the female population of Pasadena will be safe for a while.
: Let me take a wild guess. What you can't talk about is the fact that you're angry because for some inexplicable reason Kevin can father a child and you can't. And now, after everything you've been through with Elizabeth, the one thing that she needs the most you can't give her, but Kevin can. And what really sucks is that deep down you resent him for it. And what makes it even worse is that even deeper down, you're sick of this, this grudge that you guys are carrying on, and you really really miss your brother.
: So wait, we're not having Christmas? Well, that sucks! Nora Walker
: We are having Christmas and Hanukkah. Both. Bells, whistles, latkas, ornaments, carols, the works. Kitty Walker
: I think it's great. I think it's great that we're finally embracing our multiculturalism. Uncle Saul will be in heaven. Wait a minute, Martha Stewart has Hanukkah recipes?
: There's something odd about this. Kitty Walker
: This what? Sarah Whedon
: This town. Kitty Walker
: Oh, was the giant man-made artichoke in the town square your first clue? Sarah Whedon
: No, though that was odd.
: Hold on to what's good. What makes you happy. Kitty Walker
: You make me happy. Robert McCallister
: I do?
: It would be so great. We could stay up late, Kitty, and plan your wedding. Sarah, we could get some serious talking in about you and Joe's situation. We could regroup and get perspective. It would be so great, a real girls' getaway. Yeah! Kitty Walker
, Sarah Whedon
: Trick or treat! Kitty Walker
: I didn't expect to see you. Sarah Whedon
: Well, the only thing more depressing than not having the kids at Halloween is having to feed candy to other people's kids. I thought the Republican debate would be more fun.
[studying the side effects of the hormones Kitty is taking
] Nora Walker
: Bloating, weight gain... Julia Walker
: Been there. Nora Walker
: Irritability, mood swings... Julia Walker
: Done that. Nora Walker
: Facial... Facial hair? Kitty McCallister
: Oh, I know! You know, when Robert lost the election I thought he was going to do that thing, you know that thing that they do? They gain weight and they grow a beard? Well, it turns out that I'm going to be the one looking like Al Gore.
: I'm sorry, but when I packed I didn't realize I was going to be walking into Caligula's bathhouse. Nora Walker
: [holding up bra
] Well, what did you pack for? Kitty Walker
: I packed for work. Warren and I are... you know, we're preparing for a very big interview. Nora Walker
: Is that the euphemism of choice these days? Kitty Walker
: You know, mother, you're just trying to defer the attention because Dave came up here to remodel *you*.
: Will you marry me?... Oh. Oh my God. No, no-no-no, I didn't, did I just say, yes I did, I did, I just proposed to you. Robert McCallister
: I think that you just did.