Kathleen 'Kath' Darleen Day Knight
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Quotes for
Kathleen 'Kath' Darleen Day Knight (Character)
from "Kath & Kim" (2002)

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Da Kath & Kim Code (2005) (TV)
Kim Day Craig: Brett is now the official Cumputa City floater.
Kath Day Knight: Oh! A floater. Well, what does that pacifically entail, Kim?
Kim Day Craig: Well, Brett sort of explained it like he's kind of like an octopus. You know, spreading his testicles over all departments.
Kath Day Knight: Oh, that sounds like a big job.

Kim Day Craig: [Kath is walking around Fountain Lakes Shopping Centre with a Christmas tree] Mum, why'd you have to get the tree first?
Kath Day Knight: Because, Kim, if I'd left it any later I would've only got a bendy one. Oh! Look! Let's go in there. I wanna get my table decor.

Kath Day Knight: Oh, hello. Do you sell Chrissie-themed serviettes?
Trude: No. We sell napkins, but you'll need to go to manchester.
Kath Day Knight: Manchester? Really?
Trude: Down the back. Napery.
Kim Day Craig: Same to you!

Kim Day Craig: Oh, look, Mum. Another present I got for Epponnee. It's the bath book version of "The Da Vinci Code".
Kath Day Knight: [laughs] Ohh!
Kim Day Craig: Look. It squeaks when you press the albino.

Kath Day Knight: [eating a banana] Gee, one day, I'd like to be a franchisee, Kim.
Kim Day Craig: Yeah, well, you look more like a chimpanzee today.
Kath Day Knight: What? Don't be stupid, Kim. I do not.

Kim Day Craig: It's my Tan-In-A-Can spray. It's nice, isn't it?
Kath Day Knight, Sharon Strzelecki: Yes, it's nice, it's different, it's unsual.

Kath Day Knight: Oh, Kim! Look, it's not Brett's fault If you're gonna blame anybody, blame John Howard.

Kim Day Craig: Mum, can I have a giant Wonka Bar?
Kath Day Knight: No you can't.
Kim Day Craig: Please? I haven't had anything all day.
Kath Day Knight: No, you just had a packet of Nerds, Kim.
Kim Day Craig: Oh, you're so mean. I'm starving. Please!
Kath Day Knight: No!
Kim Day Craig: Please!
Kath Day Knight: I said no!
Kim Day Craig: Ohh! I hate you!
Kath Day Knight: Kimmy. Kim, look at me, please. Look at me.
[growls]
Kath Day Knight: Look at me! Now, I've got one word to say to you, Kim. Oh, yes, alright.

Kath Day Knight: Kim! Bite your tongue or I'll come over there and bite it for you.

Kath Day Knight: Now, I'm gonna provide all the bread sticks, and Kel and I are turkey and chook respectively.
Kim Day Craig: That sounds about right.
Kath Day Knight: And I'm going all free-range this year. Oh, God, with the way my hormones are at the moment, I do not want to be ingesting anymore.

Kath Day Knight: Oh, Sharon, love, no, you can't use the computer yet. I'm still downloading Michael Bublé to my iPod Mini. Oh, I've been looking up his back catalogue all morning, Sharon. It's huge.

Kim Day Craig: So tell me, Kim. What's all the goss? What's been happening around here.
Kath Day Knight: Brett's had a big promotion.
Kim Day Craig: Oh, really? What?
Kath Day Knight: Yeah. He's been moved sideways. Yeah, so the pressure's really on me now. You wouldn't know what it's like to be married to a very successful guy.
Kim Day Craig: Oh, wouldn't I?
[points to Kel]
Kim Day Craig: What do you call this here eating his yoghurt and moosli. So tell me, what's the promotion.

Kel Knight: Gee, your trap's tight, sweets.
Kath Day Knight: Yeah, I know. Loosen it up for me, will you?

Kath Day Knight: Oh, Kim, what did the Doctor say?
Kim Day Craig: She said I've cricked my neck, and cracked my clack.
Kath Day Knight: Oh, Kim.

Kath Day Knight: [Kel is about to eat a sandwhich] Kel! Don't eat those. They're not for us, they're for The Wiggles. Can't you read?
Kel Knight: No need to bite my head off. I might have one of these drinks.
Kath Day Knight: No! They're Rhonda Burchmore's Gatorades.

Kath Day Knight: [walking into Michael Bublé's dressing room] Oh, gee, this is big, isn't it?
[seeing the toilet]
Kath Day Knight: Oh, you've got your own toot!

Brett Craig: I've gotta go to work.
Kel Knight: What? On Christmas Day?
Brett Craig: New workplace agreements, Kel.
Kath Day Knight: Oh, bloody Howard! I bet he's not working on Christmas Day.
Kim Day Craig: Who?

Kath Day Knight: [after taking the Christmas turkey out of the oven] Oh, no. Oh, it's still completely frozen in the middle! Oh, how can that be? Ohh! Ow!
[goes to put it in the microwave but burns her hands and drops the turkey on the kitchen floor]
Kath Day Knight: Oh! Oh!

Kath Day Knight: Can you hear someone outside, Kel?
[dramatic choral music plays]
Kath Day Knight: It's the albino, Kel! It's John Monk! What's he doing here? He's coming inside!
Kel Knight: Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
Kath Day Knight: What?
Kel Knight: The code, Kath. I've just realised. All the signs were there. I've cracked it, Kath!
Kath Day Knight: Yeah, I think I have to, Kel!
Kel Knight: No, I've cracked the code. The Da Vinci Code. Listen, it's like a puzzle. First, there was the car that nearly ran over me. Then there was the slashed painting.
Kath Day Knight: And our names, Kel. I've always thought. Kel Knight, Knight's Templar. And Kath Day - Opus Dei.
Kel Knight: And now John Monk has come here to kill us, just like in the end of "The Da Vinci Code".
Kath Day Knight: Is that what happened in the end? Because I didn't finish it! I lost interest! Oh, no!
[screams]
John Monk: Have you cracked the code yet?
Kel Knight: Yes. And you're going to kill us!
John Monk: No, no. I'm not. You haven't read the clues properly. You haven't worked it out, have ya? Where is that painting?
Kath Day Knight: The painting? It's there.

Kel Knight: So each number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet?
Kath Day Knight: And it spells out the magic word: "Franchisee"? Well, what does that mean?
John Monk: It means that I want to offer you and Kel the Da Vinci Code Tour franchise.

Kel Knight: So John, why are you selling the franchise?
John Monk: It's hair dressers orders, really. I'm not really an albino.
Kel Knight, Kath Day Knight: Oh.
John Monk: [chuckles] No, this is peroxide.
Kel Knight, Kath Day Knight: Oh.
John Monk: Amazing, isn't it? Vidal says that if I'm not careful, this, this could turn into one great big dried-up frizzy old perm.
Kath Day Knight: Oh, that'd be awful wouldn't it? You wouldn't want one of those. Anyway, John, would you like to stay for tea?
John Monk: Well, what is it?
Kath Day Knight: Yeah? Oh, we're just going to have some seafood, some left over seafood.
John Monk: Australian seafood. Very nice.
Kath Day Knight: Yeah, I've got a nice piece of extender there, haven't I? And we've got the Chicken Tonight, that we didn't have today, that we can have tonight.

Kel Knight: So, John, what do you think of Australia?
Kath Day Knight: Oh, yes! Tell us. Be honest, be honest.
Kim Day Craig: It's the best place in the world, isn't it?
John Monk: Well to be perfectly frank with you, I was a little disappointed in Edithvale, and Aspendale and, to some extent, Mordialloc. But once I got past Parkdale and into the Golden Mile, oh, I was blown away.
Kim Day Craig: Oh, yeah.
John Monk: I mean, with IKEA on one side, and Ray's Tent City ad Barbecues Galore on the other, it doesn't get much better than that.
Kim Day Craig: No, it's fantastic.
Kath Day Knight: It doesn't, indeed.

Kath Day Knight: What? I didn't do anything, it's my aphrodisiac.

Kath Day Knight: Gee, he's an Australian icon isn't he?
Kim Day Craig: Yep.
Kath Day Knight: And she's an Icon.
Kim Day Craig: Mm-hm.
Kath Day Knight: He's an icon.
Kim Day Craig: He's not an icon. He's just a con.
Kath Day Knight: Huh?
Kim Day Craig: Oh, The Wiggles. They're icons.
Kath Day Knight: Yeah. Oh, Kim, did I tell you? When they sang "Hot Potato" at Carols, I went off, literally.
Kim Day Craig: Eww! I'm more a Hooley Dooley girl, myself. Sharon likes The Wiggles.

Kath Day Knight: Kim, did I tell you Sharon and Marriot are back on together?
Kim Day Craig: Well, how does that work?
Kath Day Knight: Oh, you know. Relationships, Kim. I mean, you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors, do you? She's obviously pushing his buttons, and he's pushing hers right back. I think it's beautiful and it works for them, doesn't it?
Kim Day Craig: [Kim's mobile phone beeps] Oh, I've just got another naughty text from Brett. Listen to this. "Meet me down the back in PlayStations in five minutes". I mean, how does he expect me to get to Fountain Gate in five minutes.
Kath Day Knight: Oh, gee, he's keen, Kim.
Kim Day Craig: He is.
Kath Day Knight: You go, girl.
Kim Day Craig: Yeah, in a minute.

[last lines]
Kim Day Craig: Jeez, Mum, you look huge in that shirt. You look like Jordan.
Kath Day Knight: Oh, I wish. No, they're my chicken fillet falsies, Kim. I just rinsed off the Chicken Tonight and popped them back in.
Kim Day Craig: One looks bigger than the other.
Kath Day Knight: Oh, yeah. That's because John Monk ate the left one. But it's okay. I'm naturally much bigger on that side anyway. So I think it balances out. Isn't it amazing, Kim, that my franchisee dream finally came true? Can you believe John Monk sold us his business?
Kim Day Craig: How did you pay for that?
Kath Day Knight: In kind.
Kim Day Craig: Oh, that sounds nice.
Kath Day Knight: Yeah, it was nice.
Kim Day Craig: Mmm. You know, Mum, evidently, "The Da Vinci Code" has been proven to be completely untrue.
Kath Day Knight: Yes, Kim, I know that. I'm not stupid. But the second one, you know, "Da Vinci Code Two: G'Day Leonardo", they show that that is absolutely 'istorically correct. And what a boon for us that it's set right here in ye olde Melbourne. I can't believe it!

Kim Day Craig: I gotta go and get your present.
Kath Day Knight: Where? Where are you going?
Kim Day Craig: I'll be in the $2 shop.

Kath Day Knight: How's it going, Sharon? Have you met anybody yet?
Sharon Strzelecki: Oh, no, not really, Mrs. D. Just a couple of lukewarm nibbles.
Kath Day Knight: Oh well, whatever you do, love, don't put your photo up.
Sharon Strzelecki: I already have. Why? Do you think it would put people off?
Kath Day Knight: Oh, no Sharon. You've got a very pretty face. It wasn't full-length, though, was it?

Kim Day Craig: Oh, Mum! What a great costume!
Sharon Strzelecki: Oh wow, Mrs D. You look hilarious. You're gonna win for sure. Where'd you get that?
Kath Day Knight: [Wearing an over-the-top 80's style pink outfit] Oh, from my wardrobe, Sharon. Costume?
Kim Day Craig: Yeah, it's an 80's party.
Kath Day Knight: Oh, no! Nobody told me. I would have put something funny on!

Michael Bublé: Thanks for your help back there, Kath. You're obviously an old pro from way back.
Kath Day Knight: Oh, right back at you, mister.
Michael Bublé: Kath, remember. Save the last dance for me.

John Monk: Oh, this chicken is rubbery.
Kath Day Knight: [In mock Japanese accent] Thank you, John-san. Thank you vely mush.
John Monk: No, I mean it. It really is rubbery!
Kath Day Knight: Oh no! They're not chicken breasts. They're mine! They're my chicken fillet falsies!

Kath Day Knight: Oh Sharon, is everything alright?
Sharon Strzelecki: No, not really.
Kim Day Craig: Where's Marriat?
Sharon Strzelecki: Marriat is nowhere. He's nowhere and nothing. Turns out that I fell in love with a piece of spam. After he didn't turn up at the airport, I went to an Internet cafe. And I discovered that Marriat - my beautiful, gentle, smart, funny Marriat - is nothing more than a blog. An Internet address. marryat.com. A site that's been offering to marry women all around the world... But, you know, the weird thing is, Mrs D, I still love him!

Kath Day Knight: And did I show you this, Kim? I got it in Milan. Can you believe it? They've got an Oz Knits outlet in Milan! And these are all the rave in Europe. And I got... for Epponnee, for little Epps... Look what I got for you, darling. Isn't this cute?
[hands Kim a baby t-shirt]
Kath Day Knight: "My grandma went on the Da Vinci Code Tour and all got was this lousy t-shirt".
Kim Day Craig: I really like that. I could fit into that. I might wear that.

Kel Knight: The albino's the chap who runs the whole Da Vinci Code Tour. A fellow by the name of John Monk.
Kath Day Knight: Yeah, he was nice. But he was funny, wasn't he? Not funny ha-ha, funny weird.
Kel Knight: Mmm... Oh, he's raking it in though.
Kath Day Knight: Yeah.

Kath Day Knight: Yeah, it was sorta like "The Amazing Race", Kim. You know that TV show?
Kim Day Craig: Sounds boring.
Kel Knight: Oh, no, wasn't boring. They even had an orgy in a crypt one night after tea, didn't they Kath?
Kath Day Knight: Ohh! It was so real, Kim. It was amazing how it was done. I've got a photo of it here.
Kim Day Craig: Eww! If it was so awesome, how come you're home early?
Kel Knight: Oh, as it happens, at our last stop, we were supposed to be staying with this direct descendant of Jesus'.
Kath Day Knight: Yeah. He runs a B&B with his wife Kerry. Kim, he was such a phony.
Kel Knight: Oh, you could clearly see he had a stick-on beard.
Kath Day Knight: Yeah. So we just... we just left. You know, we'd seen enough.

Kath Day Knight: [smelling a tub of yoghurt] No, it's fine, Kel. It's fine. It's not off. Yoghurt smells like that.

Kath Day Knight: [to Kel] You look just like Todd McKenney.


"Kath & Kim: Old (#1.5)" (2002)
Kim: Mom, I just had an idea! You can have little sheep as attendants.
Kath: Oooh! Kim, yes, a little boy and a little girl sheep dressed up in a fairy costume with jiffies!
Kim: Yes! Yes! And at the reception we can put them both on the spit roast.
Kath: Good thinking, that would save us some moolah.
Kim: And that could be the theme of the wedding! Lamb dressed as mutton!

Kath: What? I want to say love, honor and obey.
Kel: You don't have to obey me. We're equals.
Kath: No, Kel, it's more elegant if I obey you.
Kel: It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Puts a bit of pressure on me.
Kath: Well, I'm going to obey you, Kel.
Kel: I don't want you to obey me.
Kath: Well, if I want to obey you, I will. I don't have to do what you say.
Kel: You do have to do what I say.
Kath: Says who?
Kel: Says me. And that's an order.
Kath: Ah, it's dishing out orders now.
Kel: When it comes to being equal, we don't obey each other.
Kath: [orders him] Shhhh...

Kath: I don't want to wear the pants all the time. Sometimes I don't want to wear any pants at all. Is that all right?


"Kath & Kim: Inside Out (#2.2)" (2003)
Kath: [after Sharon says her War Games are near the mall] Oh, that's nice, Sharon. Once you've been killed, you can go shopping.

Kath: [Discussing Kim's home renovation] What style are you thinking? Santa Fe or Period?
Kim: Well, I'm thinking Period since it's an old unit. Built last century. 1998.

Kimberly 'Kim' Day Craig: I've got the concept for the kitchen. Very exciting.
Kathleen 'Kath' Darleen Day Knight: Oh, you need to tell me because I have to approve it. So shoot.
Kimberly 'Kim' Day Craig: Alright. Brett and me have decided. We want solid monogamy.
Kathleen 'Kath' Darleen Day Knight: Oh no, Kim. Monogamy's very old fashioned. You just need a veneer of monogamy. That's all people care about.


"Kath & Kim: Fat (#1.4)" (2002)
Kath: [describing new Hollywood diet] Everybody's on it. Madonna Penn Ritchie. Jennifer Pitt Aniston. Courtney Loves Cox.

Kath: [pointing at Kim's stomach] Are you saying my belittling you has be-bigged you?
Kim: That's what I'm saying, Mom.

Kath: Have a laugh, c'mon, have a laugh. Oh, don't, your tummy will wobble.
Kim: Mum!


"Kath & Kim: Gay (#1.2)" (2002)
Kim: Elton John. He's gay.
Kath: Oh hells, K. He's not gay. It's all an act.
Kim: Really?
Kath: Oh, absolutely.

Kath: [reads out loud her proposed wedding vows] el Knight, you are my hairy stag. I am your nubile nympho. As our two young saplings that grow together, may you find solace in my leafy canopy.


"Kath & Kim: The Announcement (#2.1)" (2003)
Kim: I've got to say... my morning sickness nicked off once you put your clothes back on.
Kath: Very funny, Kim. No. I now realize how damn good my body is.
Kim: [Using posh accent so 'cadaver' rhymes with 'godiva'] You looked like Lady Cadaver.
Kath: Thanks, Kim. I take that as a compliment.

Kim: Mum, does it hurt?
Kath: What? Being a nudist? Yes, sometimes.
Kim: No. Childbirth.
Kath: Oh, nah.


"Kath & Kim: Party (#1.7)" (2002)
Kath: [to her daughter] If I make my target, I get a red French lace teddy with snap crotch!


"Kath & Kim: Money (#1.4)" (2008)
Kath Day: We can't elope, Kim, because we already set a date.
[while prominently holding a cantaloupe melon]


"Kath & Kim: Another Announcement (#2.6)" (2003)
Sharon: I will be stationed outside the port-a-loos motivating people to hurry up with the warcry: 'Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, OY OY OY!'
Kath: Aw, you must feel terribly proud.


"Kath & Kim: My Boyfriend (#2.5)" (2003)
Sharon: [pointing at her Unicorn team uniform] I'm a Unic and that makes me proud!
Kath: [clinking their champagne glasses] To Unics!


"Kath & Kim: Sacrifice (#1.8)" (2008)
Kath Day: I'm not O.K., I'm exhausted. I have a terrible, terrible case of insomnia.
Kim Day: God, how could a person not sleep? I could sleep right now. It's hard for me NOT to sleep.


"Kath & Kim: Holiday (#4.1)" (2007)
Kel: I found your parrot earring.
Kath: That's not mine. And it's not a parrot. It's a cassowary. I've never been able to wear cassowaries.
[points at her face]
Kath: Square face.


"Kath & Kim: House (#4.5)" (2007)
Kath: [pointing at an ornate ironwork balcony] Look at that fretful work, Kel. I can just see my maiden hairs hanging all along the veranda there.


"Kath & Kim: Sport (#1.3)" (2002)
Kim: [Overhearing her husband telling her mother about discovering him with two women] You left the bit out about being in bed with them completely naked.
Brett: It doesn't mean anything happened.
Kim: Oh, as if, Bret. I'm not as stupid as I look.
Brett: I'm sure nothing happened, Kim. And if anything did, it was an accident.
Kim: Oh, so you accidentally rooted Carly Bolten?
Kath: Shhhh!
Brett: And her sister, Jenny... but I can't remember.
Kim: Well, you're pathetic, Bret.
Kath: Take his word for it, Kim. Men don't lie about these sort of things.


"Kath & Kim: Work (#4.3)" (2007)
Kath: Be a barista.
Kim: I'm not going to go back to study law for 5 years.


"Kath & Kim: The Moon (#2.3)" (2003)
Kath: [Pats her perm] I hate getting my hair wet. It goes all frizzy.