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: Alright, where's the cash? Jerry Blavat
: Cash? You guys don't even qualify! Where's the girl? Davy
: Where's the girl? What are you, a contest manager or a house detective?
: Hey look, you guys, how, how are you gonna turn me into a woman? Micky
: After all, what is a woman but a rag, a bone and a hank' o hair?
: [Davy has dressed up as a chick
] So, how do I look? Micky
: Kind of like a raggy, hairy bone. Mike
: A hairy, boney rag.
: I don't even know how to act like a woman. Peter
: Oh, well, that's a sinch, I have here this book: 'How to act like a feminine female in three easy lessons'.
: I always wondered what the noise was at our house. It was my three sisters, learning how to walk!
: He likes you. Peter
: All you have to do is go out with him and we're a sinch to win! Mike
: Yeah, as a matter of fact, if you let him kiss you, you may own the Television Station. Davy
: One more remark like that and I'll hit you with me purse.
: I'd like a very secluded booth, please. Pierre
: I have a booth which is so secluded that last week three of our best waiters diseappeared by trying to find it.
: Hi fellas...
: Where have you been? Micky
: It was the, eh... eh... the, eh... Davy
: Some little out of the way place that nobody goes? Micky
: Yeah, that's it, yeah, the Southside Branch.
: What have we done? Davy
: I don't know, but... it was terribly wrong.
The Town Crier
: Once upon a time in the little village of Avon-On-Calling there were four young men. There was Mike... Mike the Cobbler
: Hi, I'm Mike and I'm the cobbler, ha! The Town Crier
: And Davy... Davy the Taylor
: Hi, I'm Davy and I'm the taylor, aha! The Town Crier
: And Micky... Micky the Innkeeper
: Hi, I'm Micky, and I'm the innkeeper. The Town Crier
: And Peter. Peter, peasant of Tork
: Hi, I'm Peter, and I'm out of work.
Peter, peasant of Tork
: And he's gonna murder her in the tower, a remote castle protected by a scary forrest and a moat, moat, and a im-p-enetrable dragon. Davy the Taylor
: A what kind of dragon? Peter, peasant of Tork
: An im-p-enetrable dragon. Davy the Taylor
: So what are you gonna do, Peter? Peter, peasant of Tork
: I'm gonna miss her when she's gone.
Fairy Of The Locket
: Eh, you, you shall cut a pair of shoes that can scale high walls. Mike the Cobbler
: A shoes that will sc- that will scale... Fairy Of The Locket
: You, you shall sow me a set of mail that nothing can penetrate Davy the Taylor
: I'll sew a sote, a send you a suit, in the mail, right. Fairy Of The Locket
: Yeah. and you, you shall forge a kitchen knife into a sword that can cut through iron. Micky the Innkeeper
: Richt, forge, yeah right! Heheh. Peter, peasant of Tork
: What about me? Fairy Of The Locket
: You shall collect unemployment while your friends are working.
: Help! Help! Oh, help me, woodsman, oh help me! the two bears are chasing me from their house! Davy the Taylor
: Two bears? I thought there were three bears? Goldylocks
: Yeah, well, the Papa Bear kinda wanted me to hang around...
Dragon of the Moat
: What has six eyes, six ears, and a short life? Micky the Innkeeper
: Three dumb peasants. Dragon of the Moat
: Hey, that's right. Davy the Taylor
: That's a good one. Mike the Cobbler
: How did you know that, wow! Dragon of the Moat
: Lower the drawbridge!
Davy the Taylor
: [during the climactic fight
] Can you fight too, I'm doing all the fighting here! The Town Crier
: [cut to the Town Cryer
] Hooray for Davy! Micky the Innkeeper
: [back to the fight
] Peter, Peter, what about the locket? The Town Crier
: [cut to the Town Cryer
] Hooray for Micky! Peter, peasant of Tork
: [back to the fight
] She made me give it back! Princess Gwen
: You're darn right I took it back, it's my locket!
: Well, that wraps up another laugh riot and this is... Micky
: Mike Nesmith. Mike
: Micky Dolenz. Davy
: And Peter Tork. Peter
: And Davy Jones. Princess Gwen
: And Micky Dolenz. Mike
: Reminding you to save the Texas Prairie Chicken.
: I played Gretel, very, er, what's the word? Peter
: Gretel, I think is the word for it. Davy
: Very Gretel. Peter
: Very Gretel indeed.
Prince Ludlow of Peruvia
: I, I, I have come to your country to t-t-try and find a bride. U-under the terms of my nation's constitution, if I'm still unwed by my eighteenth birthday, eh, my throne passes to Count Myron. Davy
: That sounds crazy to me. Prince Ludlow of Peruvia
: I know, that's, that's what I told the producers.
: But you're a great guy, Ludlow. You're witty, you're handsome, and you're tall.
: You know, if Van Gogh had a girl like you, he'd still have both his ears. Wendy Forsythe
: May I see you again, Your Highness? Davy
: Oh, call me 'High'!
: The boy stood on the burning deck. He didn't he oughta. He took his shoes and stockins off and his feet were in the water
: You're sash is crooked. Davy
: You're not my real mother!
: Suppose Ludlow doesn't show up on time. I might end up marrying a beautiful girl and ruining a nation of millions.
: If appleseed turns to wing, it will fly away a beautiful butterfly. But if a butterfly turns to appleseed, it'll just lay there, on the ground. That's what Ling Fu Yeng said, five thousand years agon. Davy
: Oh, really, what does that mean? Mike
: I just don't have any idea.
: I wasn't cut out to lead a double life, I can't even lead a single one.
: [dressed as a ship's commodore
] If we hurry, men, we can destroy the Brittish at Trenton! Micky
: Davy, you are Brittish.
: Hey, you know, if that was a rifle shot, then that means that somebody is on this island trying to kill us! Davy
: No, that wasn't a rifle shot, man. That, this is a deserted island! It was probable a car backfiring or something.
: Let's swim for it! Davy
: No, man, we'll drown! Micky
: Well, let's drown for it!
: Would you repeat that? Kimba Of The Jungle
: Kretch! Peter
: He says that he's the original Kimba of the Jungle and that when the movie company ran out of money here on location in 1916 they left him here behind to rot. Davy
: What happened to the chick who played his wife? Peter
: She ran off with a casting director who promised her a big career. Micky
: What about the little kid that played er, the kid? Peter
: He's alive and well in Argentina. Micky
: You mean you got all that from... all he said was 'kretch'. Peter
: Well, it's not the word, it's the way he said it.
: Wait! Our footprints. Great Scott, that means we're lost, we've been going around in circles! Davy
: Oh, Micky, Micky, it's a small set, man. We have to use the same place, you know, different bushes, trees. Mike
: Yeah, don't you remember, like the Lone Ranger and the big rock?
: [to Thursday
] Hey, didn't I see you in a Stewart Granger movie?
: Where do we hide in the meantime? Thursday
: There's only one safe place. Micky
: Where's that? Thursday
: Well, I can't tell you now, that's in the next scene.
: [walking by while the boys work on the outdoor backlot of Columbia Pictures
] Buried treasure, that's sort of out of hand, Pete. Davy
: [walking by
] Next thing you know, you'll be buying San Diego. Peter
: I turned San Diego down! Micky
: [walking by
] Treasure map. That's one of the dumbest things you've ever done, Pete. Peter
: That's not fair, Micky. Davy
: Nah, that's not true, Micky. He's done dumber things than that. I know. Peter
: Thanks, man.
: [choosing Sonny Liston to box against
] Great, I'll have a go at him. You won't hurt my face, will ya? Million dollar head, this.
: [ordering at the studio commissary
] I'll have a finger sandwich, hold the mold. Davy Jones
: And, uh, I'd like a glass of cold gravy with a hair in it, please. Mrs Ace
] One of your own?
, Micky Dolenz
, Davy Jones
: [chanted in unison
] Hey hey we are the Monkees, you know we aim to please. A manufactured image with no philosophies.
: That song was pretty white. Davy Jones
: So am I; what can I tell you?
: Wait! Don't move! I wanna forget you just as you are!
: Psst! Hey, c'mere. Now this is serious. What ya say, you and me, go someplace where we wont bump into each other again?
: [The Monkees are in a trench in a W.W. II movie
] I can't see it's too deep! Mike Nesmith
: What you say? Mike Nesmith
: I said I can't see, it's too deep. I need another boost or something. Micky Dolenz
: Here, you can stand on my helmet. It's too heavy, I don't want to wear it, it's a drag, it presses down on my head. Peter Tork
: You really ought to wear your helmet.
: It's all right, Davy, there's nothing wrong. Davy
: Nothing wrong, huh? Peter
: That's right, I came here to tell you, man, that everything... Davy
: You know what I saw in there? Peter
: Yes. Davy
: An eye, man, an eye, this big, blood red, it was as clear as the nose on your face, it was looking at me. Peter
: Peace, David, I know.
: Don't you want me to be rich and famous? Peter
: I'd rather have you alive and well. Mike
: Yeah, Besides, you don't know anything about boxing! Peter
: Yeah. Davy
: That's not so! I used to be quite a scrapper at school, y'know. There was this one big bully, always used to be pickin' on me, so one day I went wham-o! with a right and wham-o! with a left! Mike
: And what then, what happened? Davy
: She never bothered me again.
: You're gonna be going through a lot strange cities, and there's always this one hotel: one with a lot of heavy drinking, a lot of fast women, and a lot of loose talk. You know what to do when you get to town? Davy
: Find that hotel! Mike
: And you'll do fine.
: Now, listen man, you're going to be going to a lot of strange cities. And there's always one hotel. A lot of gambling and drinking, and a lotta fast women, and a lotta loose talk. Now you know what you do when you get to town? Davy
: Find that hotel. Mike
: You'll do fine.
: You're a good boy, and I like a good boy. Davy
: Oh, thank you very much, can I have a cookie?
: [dressed as an old man
] Please-ah, my boy, listen to your papa, don't-ah go into the ring, don't-ah be a fighter. Think of your hands, your beautiful hands, you'll never play the violin again. Davy
: But I don't play the violin. Micky
: [own voice
] You could learn!
: Davy, is it true you call your mother every time you win a fight? Dynamite Davy Jones
: Yeah, that's right. Reporter #1
: What do you do if the opponent wins? Dynamite Davy Jones
: I call his mother.
: Aren't you worried? The champ said he's gonna slaughter ya, Davy! Dynamite Davy Jones
: Aw, no, I just think of the wize words by that old Yugoslavian philosopher. Reporter #2
: What's that? Dynamite Davy Jones
: Haber reeber sacken rober soaken raber seeken rober raber seeken rober saken. Reporter #2
: Oh, yeah haber reeber sacken...
: My family dates back almost 400 years, to the earliest rich people. This is H. L. Nesmith, he owns a small spread in southern Texas. Eh, what's the name of the ranch again, Mr. Nesmith? Mike
: Uh, Houston.
: You've reached a certain amount of success, if that was suddenly like taken away, wiped out, where would you be today? Peter
: I'd go back to the Village and be a folk singer. Interviewer
: How 'bout you, Davy? Davy
: I'd go back to the Village and watch him be a folk singer. Interviewer
: Mike? Mike
: I'd probably go burn the Village.
: You are not! I'm uglier than you! Davy
: No, I'm the ugliest! Mike
: I'm the ugliest! It's me, it's me, it's me! Micky
: Alright, I lose!
: Hey, it's Mr. Baker, back from his backer. Weatherwax
: Have you got a baker, Backer? Have you got a backer, Baker? Peter
: Baker Backer?
: Yes sir? Davy
: Hello, my name is David Armstrong Jones. My family dates back nearly four hundred years, to the earliest rich people. Butler
: But this club is for special manners. Davy
: This is H.L. Nesmith, he owns small spread in Southern Texas. Eh, what's the name of the ranch again, Mr. Nesmith? Mike
: Eh, Houston. Davy
: This the Sheik Farouk Dolenza. Mike
: I would like to build a new wing to your building. Butler
: Oh, I'm sorry, but we cannot except a gift. Micky
: This is not a gift, it's charity. Davy
: Eh, this is Pete, Peter DeWit, a rich man's son. Tell him what your father does. Peter
: He's in garbage disposal.
: You've reached a certain amount of success. If that were something, like taken away, wiped out, where would you be today? Peter
: I'd go back to the village and be a folk singer. Interviewer
: How about you, Davy? Davy
: I'd go back to the village and watch him be a folk singer. Interviewer
: Mike? Mike
: I'd probably go burn the village. Micky
: I'd probably be dating my science teacher.
: Hey Peter, is there something that you really want, uh, something that you'd really flip out over? Peter
: Yes. Interviewer
: What? Peter
: Texas. Interviewer
: Davy? Davy
: Ursula Andress!
: Man, we are on the road to suc-cess! Mike
: We're almost at the top of the heights! Davy
: We're nearly at the top of the heap! Peter
: It's all downhill from here!
: You think I'm short? Mike
: Eh, well, no, where did you get that idea? Junior Pinter
: From the people who are taller than me. Davy
: You know, I think he's quite tall, meself. Micky
: You would.
: [parodying The Huntley-Brinkley Report
] Good evening, this is Chett Hinkley. Micky
: And David Brentley. Peter
: And Brett Chinkley. Davy
: And Chuck Hankley. Mike
: And this is Dave Barkley. Micky
: And Chuck Weekley. Micky
: And Charler Walltight. Davy
: And Hank Chuckley. Mike
: And this is John Smith. Micky
: And... John Smith?
: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Mike Nesmith. And on my left is the delightful and charming personality, David Jones Davy
: Thank you, Mike. Mike
: No sweat. Peter
: And on my left, is the charming and delightful Peter Tork. Peter
: Thank you, David. And on my charming and delightful, is the left moderator, Micky Dolenz. Micky
: Thank you, my charming panel.
: [reading hate-mail from viewers
] Arrogant ego-maniacs? Micky
: Long haired weirdoes? Davy
: Loathsome teenagers? Peter
: Delightful and well bred. Junior Pinter
: Who wrote that? Peter
: My mother.
: [Davy and Peter are disguised as small children
] I like Monkees, and if you take them off the air, I'm going to hold my breath til my face turns blue! Junior Pinter
: So will I! J.J. Pontoon
: Junior! Peter
: If The Monkees goes off the air, I'll never eat my vegetables again!
: [pretending to read a story from a dictionary
] Once upon a time in the land of Kirshner, there was a, a handsome prince in love with a frog and three little pigs. And he didn't know how he would get through the forest, 'cause the wicked grandmother had given him a poisoned apple. So, he was walking through the forest, and eh, with goodies, in a, in a basket, and eh... Mike
: [Mike takes over the dictionary
] And he came, he came across the wicked stepladder. Who eh, who was, eh, pretty, eh, tall, because of all the prongs, and she said, eh, you rang? And he said: sure the runs... because he had this basket of goodies and oooh. Davy
: [hands the dictionary to Davy
] He had the basket of goodies and, eh started walking towards the little Snow White's little house where the, where the six, eh, midgets lived... Micky
: Seven! Davy
: With the four frogs. Seven midgets with the four frogs and the toadstools were beginning to, to look bad, because eh, Columbus was eh... Peter
: [Peter takes over the dictionary
] Eh, eh, eh. Commando: Allied troop in unit in who-who-two.
: Tell me, Mr. Jones, what do you look for in a girl? Davy
: Well, um, it all depends what I've lost.
: Hey, we don't subscribe to Chic magazine, do we? Micky
: No, I'm hip.
: [reading aloud from Chic Magazine
] Hey, hey, listen to this: why not take little metal bottle tops and nail them to your living room floor. It gives you the impression that you are walking upon little metal bottle tops.
: Some fashion magazine! Says here, "neck lines are plunging lower every year, this year the V will go down to the tummy in something of a "peek-a-boo" effect. Get into the swing of fashions and have your own "naval observatory"." Davy
: You must be joking! Mike
: You're right, I am, it doesn't say that at all. Davy
: Here, eh, listen to this: "Why not take lil' metal bottle tops and nail them to your living room floor. It gives you the impression that you are walking upon... lil'... metal... bottle tops..."?
: You see, what we wanna do is show what you are, and the way you live. Davy
: What? You wanna get us arrested?
: [a rock with a message attached is thrown through the kitchen window
] What was that? Davy
: Maybe it's an ad for a glass factory.
: Hey, man, if we don't get The Vulture by midnight, it's curtains for Peter! Marco
: No curtains for Peter. DEATH for Peter!
: Hey, I don't like the way that guard's acting. Davy
: What are you, a talent scout or something?
: The woods are just so beautiful...! Micky
: Yeah, famous last words. Peter
: Whose? Micky
: Little Red Riding Hood.
: He's going through a stage. Davy
: Oh, I'm realy glad to hear that. Mama Maria
: Marco's sullen moods only last 3 years!
: You don't understand, we're not thieves, Maria. Ah, mamma. I mean mom, eh... Mama Maria
: Nonsense, the urge to steal is basic. We are al thieves at heart. Davy
: Where did she get that idea? Mike
: She stole it.
: Well Maria, we're certainly glad you've turned over a new leaf. Mama Maria
: Yes, you boys have shown us that my boys can make a faster dollar in showbusiness. Marco
: And with as little talent, too.
[Davy has replaced Victor in the circus' knife-throwing act
: First, I shall split the apple sitting atop my beautiful assistant's head!
[Peter has placed an apple on Susan's head, but when Davy throws the knife, it nearly stabs both Susan and Peter, earning a horrified gasp from the circus audience and gapes of horror from Susan and Peter
: [now very nervous
] Uh, don't worry folks, I've got plenty more knives!
[picks up another knife
] The Great Victor
[Victor, shamed into the center ring by the near-accident, rushes to Davy
] The Great Victor
: Don't do it. I'll perform.
: Look, don't worry, I promise you everything is going to be all right. If it isn't, you can personally feed me to the lions.
: I can't thank you enough for what you did. Davy
: Oh it was nothing. Peter
: No more than any poor, lovesick fool would have done.
: [indeterminable accent
] We have come to save the circus from distress. Victor
: Who are these people? Davy
: Who are we? Would you ask 'who are these people' of the Budapest String Quartet? Victor
: I still say: Who are you? Peter
: We are the Budapest String Quartet.
: We are the Mozzarella brothers. My name is Supreme. Micky
] This is Amazing, Incredible... Mike
: This is Amazing, Incredible and Collosal. Collosus. Micky
] And Stupendous. Mike
: And Stupendous. Davy
: We are the toast of Paris. Victor
: You're amazing. Davy
: No, he is Amazing, I'm Incredible.
: You've come all the way from France? Davy
: It was on the way. Peter
: We were headed for Belgium.
: [on the phone
] Oh, hello... Mrs Conquest? Ehm, This is Sir David Armstrong Jones of the British BBC. Aheh, that stands for Better Be Clean.
: Davy, are you an artist? Davy
: Do fish swim?
: Micky, do you dance ballet? Micky
: Do fish swim?
[Micky flies across the room as if on strings
: How did he do that? Micky
: A man in love has the strength of thousands!
: You know, It's stupid, four guys moonin' over the same girl. Peter
: She's lovely. Davy
: Delightful. Micky
: With a richer, longer, everlasting charm.
Dr. Lorene Sisters
: [on TV
] Our next letter is from 'Tormented'. Peter
: Hey, that's me, Tormented! Peter
: [the other Monkees join Peter around the TV set
] Get out of my area! Mike
: Oh, shut up. Dr. Lorene Sisters
: [on TV
] It reads: Dear Doctor Sisters, my three friends and I are all in love with the same girl. These friends are very dear to me, and I wouldn't want to lose them for the world.
[Micky, Mike and Davy cheer for Peter
] Dr. Lorene Sisters
: So my question is, what can I do to cut them out?
[Mickey, Mike and Davy boo Peter
] Dr. Lorene Sisters
: Tormented, you say in the rest of your heartbreaking and ungramatical letter that you boys have made this girl fond of each of you, by taking on interests she likes. Davy
: That's right, what of it? Dr. Lorene Sisters
: I'll tell you what of it. You've placed this girl in a dangerously emotional state. She is now drawn to four different boys. And this unresolved conflict could lead to a nervous collapse. Micky
: You gotta be kidding! Dr. Lorene Sisters
: Do I look like a kidder?
: April is the cruelest month. Mike
: Well, I guess it just goes to prove what Shakespeare said: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night... Micky
: Please! No morals...
: [the Monkees pretend to be beating up Davy
] Won't some innocent bystander please help me? How about you sir?
[points a finger at Turner, who screams and runs off
: I wanna help her. Micky
: Sure you wanna help. I wanna help Peter too, but I can't. He's a bird-brain.
: You must be joking!
: If they catch us it means a life sentence! Micky
: I'm not going back in that hole! Davy
: You dirty rotten screw! Peter
: You'll never get us alive! Micky
: Come and get us law, come and get us!
: In boots I'm 5'3"
: Davy, what bag are you in? Davy
: What what? Interviewer
: What bag are you in? Davy
: Bag? I don't get that? Interviewer
: Well let me ask you something, I mean like, do you make a folk sound or a rock sound or anything like that? Davy
: I make a terrible sound.
: [having just had a nasty reaction to drinking some water
] Where did you get that water? Peter
: From the car, like Mickey said Mike
: Where in the car? Peter
: From the radiator. Davy
: [Micky starts flipping out
] Oh Micky, don't wo - Listen, it's a good job he didn't get it from the petrol tank. Peter
: That's what I meant, the petrol tank.
: Who-who-who-who-who what are we gonna do? Peter
: I don't know, your guest is as good as mine!
: I think we're not treating those girls rough enough. Davy
: What makes you say that? Peter
: She called me a sissy.
: Al right, now let's take the pledge.
[picks up script
: it says here, in the script... Mike
: Handbook. Micky
: Handbook. We pledge to obey the laws of dirt and violence. Davy
: I do that. Peter
: Right. Mike
: I do that. Micky
: To curb our desire for a bath. Mike
: Right. Micky
: And to offend all living things. Mike
: Alright, punk. What's the name of your club, punk? Micky
: Eh, we're The Chickens. Peter
: Yeah, yeah. Mike
: Yeah, the Chickens. We used to be called like the Fearfull Four and we also used to be called like The Cowards... Davy
: Yellow Bill... Yellow Bell... Mike
: The Yellow Bellies.
: [the Monkees boast about their "rough biker gang"
] How rough? For initiation, we *kill* our new members!
: Gee Lorelei, when you said you lived by the water I didn't think you'd meant the swamp.
: What a kiss! I've never felt this way before. Lorelei
: You fool! It was not my kiss, it was the magic necklace! Davy
: What a necklace. I've never felt this way before.
: Here, drink this. Davy
: What is it? The Count
: This is only tomato juice. Davy
: Don't you mean tomato juice?
] The Count
: Drink it! To get you used to the color. But in the matter of a few days, you will be drinking blood! Davy
: Blood! Bleh! The Count
: Bleh? Davy
: Bleh! The Count
: Bleh! Davy
: [facing camera
] I think we got a hit.
: [speaking to the Wolfman
] After all, what has Dracula ever done for you? All those pictures you've made together: 'Dracula Leaves', 'Dracula Returns'. You know, you've made over thirty movies with him, and you haven't even got second billing! Davy
: [Wolfman growls affirmatively
] What you need is a good agent. These people are exploiting you!
: [dressed as a Wolfman
] What are you doing in here, this is our fantasy? Davy
: Yeah, yeah, we're the Monkees, you see, in every show we do a fantasy sequence, where we romp around and jump and do funny things, and nobody interrupts us. Nobody! The Count
: It seems this show is different.
: Peter, as my devoted houseboy, what will be your main function? Peter
: I am born to serve my master and live only to perform his bidding! Davy
: Right. Now get me my comb. Peter
: Get it yourself!
: Why am I the dummy? The dummy should be the dummy. Davy
: They're his cards, don't antagonize him. Micky
: What do you have to say about that, Mr. Schneider?
[pulls the dummy's string
] Mr. Schneider
: It's a shame to waste youth on children.
: Hey, are you Davy Jones? Davy
[to his grandfather
: My public. Mike
: Can I have your autograph? Davy
: Yes you can. Mike
: Mr. Jones, I just want to tell you that my family sleep a little better every night, knowin' that you are out there singin'.
: We could only afford one serving, yours is rubber. Davy
: But I'll starve! Is the fruit rubber? Peter
[Davy bites an apple
: It's plastic.
: Waitaminit, fellas, there's a good chance this show will be shown in England. Davy
: Yeah? Interviewer
: Yeah. Davy
: When, what, Since when? Interviewer
: I don't know when it will be shown there, but it, you know, eh Peter
[the Monkees get a visual idea of Hell via a video romp to their song "Salesman" and are noticably shaken when they snap back to their house
: So that's, uh, that's what...
[Mike mutters the term Hell, but his voice is replaced by a cuckoo sound effect
: ...is all about. Davy
: ...is pretty scary. Micky
: You know what's even more scary? Peter
: What? Micky
: [looking straight at the camera
] You can't say...
[We hear the cuckoo sound effect but can clearly read Micky's lips as he says Hell
: ...on television.
: I thought you were going to get rid of that thing. Micky
: No, wait, he's really into it. Davy
: But it takes up too much room. Micky
: Show him, Pete.
[Peter plays the harp, surprising Davy with his dexterity
: [somewhat sheepishly
] Uh, like I said, it's nice to have a harp around the house. Peter
: Hey, do you think we can work it into the act? Micky
: [dressed as a newsboy
] Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Rock and roll group gains fame and fortune by introducing harp into act!
: Are you ready, Peter? Micky
: Eh, no, no, he's not ready. You see, eh, well, he left his suit in the cleaners! Davy
: And not only that... Micky
: He's not ready to go! Davy
: ...he, he's got to write a letter to his mother, haven't ye? Peter
: I have a million things to do, couldn't it be tomorrow? Mike
: Oh! I remember reading in the paper. why, that due to a lack of interest, tomorrow was canceled so we'll have to make it the day after tomorrow.
: Would you please raise your right hand and put your left hand on The Bible? Mr. Zero
: You must be joking.
: [holding the Bible
] Ehm, can I interest anybody in taking a quick peek at this book here, it's been on the best seller list for many years. Judge Roy Bean
: We don't read! Micky
: Well, eh, you don't have to read the book, why don't we, we'll run the picture for ya, Three hours of glorious color on a full wide screen with stereophonic, eat popcorn, hm hmm. Mr. Zero
: My dear boy, I appeared in that picture. The garden scene. I played the snake.
: Who are these fools? Micky
: The eh, new shipmates, sir. The Captain
: Where did you get that long hair? Micky
: Well, there's this little store on Sunset Strip... The Captain
: Cut it off! Micky
: No! Davy
: No! Peter
: No. Micky
: We can't cut it, we'd loose our strenght!
: Hey, they're both crackers! Peter
: What do you mean, crackers? Davy
: Crazy, they're both crazy. Peter
: Who, who's crazy? Davy
: The captain. Peter
: Ah, come on! Davy
: Honestly, he was asking advice from his parrot Micky
: Was the parrot charging him? Davy
: No, no. Micky
: Then the parrot's crackers, crazy.
: Here's your swords and your pistols. Oh, and the lyrics to some of the better known pirate songs. I just hope you men are tough enough for this job. Micky
: Tough? Hahaha. Peter's so touch his nails get rusty! Davy
: Heheheh heh. He's so tough, he loves the sight of blood that he pours ketchup on everything he eats, even cornflakes.
: Mutiny! Davy
: But we can't do that! Micky
: Why? Davy
: I don't know why! Micky
: How about if Clark Gable and Marlon Brando can do it, we can do it. Davy
: Okay. Micky
: Oh, great! Davy
: They do it all the time. Let's go do it!
: This man's leading a mutiny abourd my boat. And I wanna know who's helping him. Davy
: Eh, would you be easier on him if you find the others? The Captain
: No. He'll die just the same. Davy
: We told you not to try it! Peter
: We said singlehanded mutinies never works, stranger! The Captain
: Stranger? I thought you came abourd with him? Davy
: Him? Nah! We've never seen him before, we woudn't hang around with long haired weirdoes like that, would we? Peter
: Dirty commie!
: Did the ah, pole TV thing work? Davy
: She's devine, lovely, beautiful, devoon, marvelous. Peter
: Come on, Davy, quit fooling around. What TV show was she watching? Micky
: Ours, I hope.
: The dance in France is mainly in the stance. Mrs. Weefers
: Aw, Davy, I dunno how to behave at them fancy parties... Davy
: I tell you Peter, give me six months, and I could pass her off as a Duchess at an embassy ball. Peter
: How about the party tonight? Davy
: Well, that'll be a little 'arder.
: Huntington Hartford hates pickled herrings. Peter
: I think she's got it! Davy
: By George, she's got it!
: Oh 'ello, ehm, I'm selling magazine subscriptions. Gen. Vandenberg
: Oh, working your way through college, eh? Davy
: No, I'm working my way down the block.
: [Davy is attempting to see Leslie
] Ah, pardon me, miss, eh, I'm from the TV Poll Taking Service. I was wondering, eh, what TV program are you watching? Leslie Vandenberg
: Why, I'm not watching any TV program! Davy
: You're not? Leslie Vandenberg
: I don't watch television until the evening. Davy
: Ah, okay, I'll be back later. Will you tell your mother I like roast beef and Yorkshire pudding?
: [reading a newspaper
] Hey fellas, yeah, it's her. It says she's staying at the "Rich Swank Hotel".
: You see, I told you she was in trouble. Davy
: Come on man, we got to do something. She's got my jacket!
: What are we going to do? Davy
: Let's call the cops. Bettina
: We cant do that, uncle Otto has diplomatic immunity, noone can arrest him. And as regent he controls everything until I become queen upon my eighteenth birthday. Davy
: Then when's your eigthteen's birthday? Bettina
: Wait, listen to me, all of you, what I want to know is one thing, seriously now. Davy
: That's two things.
: Davy, stand up, show them how tell you are! Davy
: I am standing up!
: What is he, the world's youngest midget?
: That's it. I'm I'm, I'm, I'm mad, now, I'm gonna take a crack at him. You know, he's almost as big as I am. Micky
: You got a good chance, then.
: [Peter drives by on an out of control toy motorcycle
] Peter! Salesgirl
: Where did he come from? Davy
: He left home, got up through the studio gates and right onto the set, here.
: Bah, humbug! Mike
: What did you say? Melvin Vandersnoot
: I said bah, humbug! Mike
: I think you need some lessons on Christmas. Peter
: Boy, this kid needs some lessons in Christmas. Davy
: You're telling me!
: [Mickey and Davy are up on the roof dressed as Father Christmas and his teeny tiny helper
] Ok Micky, Micky, down you go. Micky
: Why don't you go down first? You're my helper. Davy
: No, listen, the kid can't see me first, he's gotta see you, you're Father Christmas. Micky
: Why don't you go down half way, tell me what it's like, come back here and tell me. Micky
: How come I'm all clean and you're all dirty? Davy
: Don't you mean how come you're all dirty and I'm all clean? Micky
: Yeah! Davy
: Well, you see, you're always on about me, being little teeny tiny weeny little David, you see... Micky
: Hey, hey. Davy
: So I figured, I'd come down the middle of the chimney and avoid the sides, you see. Micky
: Oh, right!
[blows a handful of soot in Davy's face
: That's charming.
: Do you say you boys were looking for a job?
[the Monkees all shake their heads no
: Well, why didn't you say so? You, you know how to pick up a telephone? Peter
: Yes, yes I do.
[Peter picks up a phone that didn't ring, and holds the phone upside down on his ear
: Hello, hello? This one's broken. Drehdal
: Boys, I'll make you a deal. You stay here and take care of my phones, I'll pay the regular salary and I'll throw in something extra. What do you say? Mike
: [All of the boys, speak the same time
] Hold it, hold it. Wait, we can't do this, we're musicians. Drehdal
: Great. You can listen to the dial tone.
[She laughs and so does Micky, but then the boys start heading toward the door
: Hey, wait a minute. Where ya goin'? Mike
: Um, well we were going to talk it over. Drehdal
: Talk, talk. What's to talk about? Don't you realize what you can do here? You can feel the warm heart of this cruel world.
[the Monkees start to see her as the Statue of Liberty with her wearing a purple dress and a telephone on her torch
: The ideas of the very things that happens and you can be part of it. The city will be in your fingers. Come answer the phone. Peter
: [All of the Monkees are crying
] I don't want to be a murderer.
[Drehdal looks confused and you stop seeing her as the "Statue of Liberty."
: We'll do it. We'll do it! Drehdal
: Good! Oh, I forgot to mention. In order to bring this cruelness in the world, don't get involved with the clients. Alright, which one of you will go first? Mike
: [Al of the Monkees speak at the same time
] Hold it, hold it. We'll just check our fingers.
[He looks at his
: Ooh-la-la! I guess that means I have the city in my fingertips. Peter
: How come Mike always wins? Micky
: He's got six fingers on that hand. Davy
: Look Mike, maybe we'll check in with you later, ok? Goodbye, Mrs. Drehdal. Drehdal
: Bye boys.
[the other Monkees leave
: Well, got to get to work. Ooh, this is going to be fine and look a never ending sea of telephones.
[Drehdal and Mike talk at the same time
: It's a wonderful place you got here. Drehdal
: Well, now that you guys are firm, I can go to Jamaica with a free mind. Mike
: Jamaica? Drehdal
: That's right, honey. Mike
: Wait! You have to tell me how to work this thing. Drehdal
: Well, nothing can be easier. The phone rings ding-a-ling-a-ling. You plug it in the hole. You answer it, you write down the message. When the client calls you give them the message. What can be easier? Mike
: Going to Jamaica. Well, hold it. Drehdal
: Yeah? Mike
: I just noticed this red button on the wall. It's a button and it's on a wall. What's it for? Drehdal
: Push it if you get tired. Bye-bye, honey!
: Well, well, what's the beef? Didn't the message get delivered? Manny Spink
: Sure it did, but somehow or other the 10.000 buck bet was switched from Popcicle to Pelican, and Popcicle won! Davy
: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life! Why would anybody want to change a bet like that? Peter
: [all eyes turn to Peter
] Well... I thought... I didn't know it was a racehorse, I thought it was a booking for a gig and, and I gave it to the Pelicans 'cause I knew they needed the work. Micky
] You have a good heart, Pete. Manny Spink
: Yeah, and I may stop it!
: [Peter is missing
] Hey, do you think there's been foul play? Micky
: I don't know, I didn't even see the game.
: Hey, what happened to that girl? Mike
: Oh, well, through my clever manipulation of her heartstrings and my... masculinity and my purseasiveness, she... Davy
: Jumped out the window? Mike
: No, she promised she wouldn't do anything until tomorrow. Peter
: Then she jumps out the window?
: Well, you know what I always say... Davy
: What? Mike
: Behind every dark cloud there is usually rain.
: Who did this? Davy
: Did what? Millie Rudnick
: Who made this dust, this filth, you?
[points toward Mickey and Mike
: What's today? Mike
: Huh? Oh, monday. Micky
: Monday. Eh, It's Peter. Peter puts the filth out on mondays. Peter
: It was nothing. Peter
: You're fired! From now on he sets the table.
: Davy, you're an English boy? Davy
: That's right, Milly. Millie Rudnick
: You know Rex Harrison? Davy
: No, I haven't had the pleasure yet. Millie Rudnick
: How come? He's an English boy, too. Davy
: Maybe he's avoiding me.
: [posh accent
] Do you really know Rex Harrison? Davy
: [equally posh accent
] No. Clarisse Rawlings
: Actually, I don't care. Davy
: I'm no good for you, you know... Clarisse Rawlings
: I don't care. Davy
: Terrible temper... Clarisse Rawlings
: I don't care. Davy
: I wander... Clarisse Rawlings
: I don't care. Davy
: Cruel, too... Clarisse Rawlings
: I don't care. Davy
: I love you, Clarisse! Clarisse Rawlings
: I don't care. Mike
: [cut to the other Monkees playing domino's
] One thing about blondes, they sure don't care, do they?
: Thanks, fellas, but I gotta get home, eh, the little woman expects me. Davy
: The little woman, eh, are you married? Larry
: No, I live with my mother, she's very small.
: Just repeat after me: Milly, your eyes are like cupcakes floating in a sea of sour cream.
: Would you care for a spot of tea? Micky
: Rather have a whole cup.
: I understand you young men would like to have your tealeaves read? Micky
: Oh, no, I wanna bring mine home. Davy
: Why? Micky
: To give me something to read in bed.
: Okay, for the next 24 hours, we're gonna isolate you from women. Davy
: But that's half the world!
: [meeting Fern
] My name's David Jones and I think I love you.
: [having broken his chains with his bare hands
] A man in love has the strength of thousands.
: Y'know, it's not like Peter to take off in the middle of a gig. Micky
: Man, he sure takes a lot of looking after. Mike
: Oh, I don't know; not any more than the average aircraft carrier.
: You know, I never did like Chinese restaurants. One hour after you eat there, you disappear.
: Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you realize this is a crime? This is breaking and entering. Micky
: So what do you want to do, you want to run home where it's save and, and, and leave Peter here in trouble all alone? Davy
: Of course not. Micky
: Well, It was just a suggestion.
: Believe me, Micky, there's no other way. Besides, Dr. Markovich is an evil man. Micky
: But what about me? Davy
: You're not evil, is he, Mike? Mike
: He's not evil, crafty and selfish, maybe, but he's not evil.
: We were just trying to help you, you know. Peter
: That's alright, Micky. Davy
: ...Micky! He knows me! He knows me!... No... I'm Davy...
: Hey, uh, water my horse, will you, son? Davy
: Water your horse? I'm not a stable boy! Ben Cartwheel
: I don't care about your mental condition; water my horse!
[Wielding their weapons
: Winchester '73! Davy
: Colt .45! Mike
: Smith and Wesson .38! Peter
: [wielding champagne bottle
] Vintage '66! Mike
: How in the world will you be able to do anything with "Vintage '66"? Peter
: You're right. I wish I had Vintage '55.
: Are you sure Aunt Kate won't mind us coming? Mike
: The last time I was here, she said: drop in any time. Davy
: When was that? Mike
: Spring of '54.
: [during a shoot-out, Peter uses his finger instead of a gun
] What is this bang, bang, bang stuff? Peter
: Well, I hate violence. Besides, I have more shells than you do.
: [on the phone
] Are you sure that it's not listed, operator? It's very important. Davy
: Mike, Mike... Mike
: What? Davy
: Who are you calling? Mike
: John Wayne.
: Are you still here? I told you to get out. I don't want any bums hanging around here. Peter
: He's not a bum. Mendrek
: No, I'm not a bum! Manager
: You got a job? Davy
: You just fired him! Manager
: Alright, so he's a vagrant too, now come on, get it outta here.
: Now look, we got no voice, no job and no rent. Peter
: Yeah, and the good times can't last forever.
: Well, we give you a little test. Ja, a test
[picks up a colorful Rorschach picture
: What does that appear to seem to be to you?
[Micky starts to reply but no sounds come from his mouth
: That looks exactly like a bunch of flowers to me. Psychiatrist
: I am talking to him. Mike
: I'm, I'm sorry. Psychiatrist
: Hmm. You're such a silly. This is obviously a bunny... and a chicken. Ja? Now. Peter
: It looks like a tomato ketchup stain to me. Psychiatrist
: Since you two came together, this is a bunny and a chicken. Hmm? Now! Davy
: It looks like a bunch of birds dancing to me, you know. Psychiatrist
: You three should form a group. It is a bunny... and a chicken! Mike
: Well wait a minute, there's no need to get hostile about it. Psychiatrist
: Don't you give me that hostile stuff, or I'll hit you! It's a bunny and a chicken! Mike
: I'm sorry, man, that's just a bunch of flowers. Davy
: It looks like a bunch of girls dancing. Psychiatrist
: A bunny and a chicken! Mike
: A bunch of flowers. Psychiatrist
: A bunny and a chicken! Peter
: A tomato ketchup stain. Psychiatrist
: A bunny and a chicken! Davy
: A bunch of birds dancing. Psychiatrist
: A bunny and a chicken!
: [Micky, Mike and Peter are dressed as the Marx Brothers
] Now who wants an act with a fuzzy headed mute harpist, an Italian with a weird looking felt hat and another guy with a long nose, a moustache and a smelly cigar. It's not commercial, I wouldn't buy the act, I wouldn't buy it. Mike
: You're right, there's no audience identification.
: Aha, the book of mysteries. Davy
: Oh, it's a big book, innit? Daughter
: [starts reading
] Misers, Mommies, Monsters, Mummies. Davy
: Miraculous. Marvelous. Magnificent.
[finds himself staring into her eyes
: Back to the book.
[a hulking mobster has all four of the boys at gunpoint
: You're pretty tough with that gun in your hand! Rocco
: Oh, yeah?
[he puts away the gun, and then punches Davy, which sends all four Monkees sprawling like tenpins
: [just before passing out
] Ow... You're pretty tough with that fist in your hand...
: You're pretty tough with an old man, how about trying someone your own size? Rocco
: [looks around, gazing over the Monkees' heads
] There ain't nobody here my size. Micky
: Maybe you should get out of the business.
: We gotta contact the inspector. Davy
: Sure, but how? Fuselli won't let us out in the middle of the meeting. Mike
: Yeah, and Rocco's guarding the front door. Peter
: And the food will get cold.
: I'm telling you, that guy's tough! He even wears a pinstripe suit! Micky
: What's so tough about that? Davy
: It's got real pins in it.
: Do not fear master, your genie will help you. Davy
: Huh, imagine that: wrong show.
: Tell me, do you have any advice for young people just starting out in the spying business? Boris
: Yes. I would say: be underhanded and dishonest. Davy
: You say that, speaking as a spy, right?
: No more Mr. Nice Guy!
[turns Boris' ear
: Get him, Mike, go on!
: Mike, I just saw a fella talking to a popsicle. Mike
: Oh, yeah? Let me know if the popsicle talks back.
Jolly Green Giant
: Hiya, Monkees. You wanna know what we got in the mail? Micky
: Yes. Jolly Green Giant
: An autographed photo of Annette Funicello. Micky
: Ah! Davy
: We thought you meant you got an invitation to Benson's audition. Jolly Green Giant
: Oh, yeah, we got that, too.
: Hello, operator? Operator
: Hello, may I help you sir? Davy
: Oh yeah, eh, we're musicians and we're rehearsing, I mean we're auditioning here in the phone booth and we got cut off. What are we going to do now? Operator
: Do you know 'Melancholy Baby'? Davy
: Oh, that's very funny, yeah.
[hangs up the phone
: Okay, mate, the phone booth is yours.
[a man in a business suit who has been waiting a long time hurries past Peter and changes into Superman in the phone booth
: [shouting to be heard over the music
] Say you're the Monkees! Davy
: Oh, we're the Monkees. Irene Chomsky
: Ah! Eureka! Peter
: No, we're Americans.
: The reason I haven't spoken all this time, is because that it doesn't matter what I say, nobody will listen to me, because I'm under 21. So I'm just keeping my mouth shut.
: What's happened to Peter? Mike
: Well, eh, he's probably not back from his dream yet. Micky
: Impossible, man, Peter doesn't dream.
: [Micky, Mike and Davy cram into a telephone booth to change into Monkeemen
] Hold it! Micky
: What, what? Davy
: Look at that: Mike
: What do you mean, hold it? Davy
: [starts to read a sign
] Federal Law W443 paragraph 7 prohibits the use of any public phonebooth for the purpose of changing into or out of secret identities. Micky
] But if we don't change into our secret identities, the entire television audience is doomed! Davy
: Hey, look, look, it's the Heat!
[Telephone Co. van drives by
: Oh man, if we could only get in touch with somebody... Mike
: How about Peter? Micky
: No, he's at the pad. Mike
: I... Mental telepathy! Davy
: Oh, oh, you mean that psychedelic stuff? Mike
: Yeay, all the groups are doing it, you know, psycho jello.
: [Nyles is staring blankly at the TV
] Nyles! Oh no, has the TV got you too? Neighbor
: What TV? Man, I'm always like this.
: Well how should we dress for this thing, is it formal? Nick Trump
: Of course! Dress! Dress! Davy
: Black tie or white tie? Nick Trump
: [consults his little book
] For a daytime kidnapping, black tie. Mike
: Hey, what about the newspaper men? Nick Trump
: They wear business suits!
Blonde Girl with Davy
: Hey, where are you two going? Davy
: I'm going home to get kidnapped. Blonde Girl with Davy
: Well, I wanna come too! Davy
: Okay. Blonde Girl with Davy
: Come on everybody, party at Davey's place!
Blonde Girl with Davy
: Hey, this dance is a gas, what do you call it? Davy
: What else? "The Kidnap".
: Careful! I may never play the guitar again! Davy
: But you're the drummer. Micky
: Oh, that's right, okay, go ahead.
: Wait a minute, wait a minute, don't think you're fooling us guys, we know who you are, you're Jack Williams the property man on this show. Customs Man
: Look, sweety, I may be Jack Williams the property man to you, but to twenty million teenagers, I'm the customs man. Davy
[steps away from Jack to face the camera
: You know, he really is Jack Williams. Customs Man
: Upon closing, folks I wanna thank aunt Pat for sending in those peach preserves. Just keep those letters and cards coming in...
] Customs Man
: Everybody loves somebody sometime...
: What do the young people do in this town for excitement? Mary Friar
: They move to the big city. Mike
: Oh, and now we're gonna get a rash of small town jokes. Mary Friar
: Oh, no, it's usually quite exciting. Last year we found a mole... in the lawn.
: [voice over
] A midieval fair, that's like a love-in.
: Now look, you'll be just fine, as long as you remember everything that I tought you. Davy
: But you didn't teach me anything! Mike
: Well, then fake it!
: [picking up the phone
] Hello, this is Chester. Davy
: This is Davy Jones, we've got a serious problem... Chester
: Problem, huh? I'd better get Mr. Dillon. Davy
: Marshal Dillon? Chester
: No, Bob Dylan. He can write a song about your problem.
: Hey, doesn't that gun ever run out of bullets? Davy
: It can't, were the good guys!
: Doesn't that gun ever run out of bullets? Davy
: Hey, it can't, we're the good guys!
[guns runs out of bullets
: I guess we're not so good after all...
: [all together
] Well, that's show business!
: Micky, I thought you were putting your clothes on? Micky
: Yeah, I did put my clothes on. But my clothes took off. Could it be my clothes we're putting me on?
: I have called this meeting cause we have a serious problem. Either one of our ranks has his feet on backwards, or he's not one of our ranks.
: [gazing deep into duplicate Mickey's eyes
] He's a robot, or he's been eating TV tubes.
: Hey, wo- wouldn't you like to come with us? Davy
: That's a good idea! Duplicate Micky
: Thanks guys, I'd like to, but I have a little blender waiting for me on Zlotnick.
: Smile, we're on hidden camera!
: Can I help you, sir? Davy
: I forgot my line, what's my line? Quick! Micky
: [grabs a mock script
] Hand over a fifty thousand dollars in unmarked, negotionable bills, small bills. Davy
: Okay. Hand over fifty thousand dollars in unnegosh... negosh? Micky
: Negotionable. Davy
: Negotionable be-bills. Cashier
: Do you have an account here, sir?
: Do you think after shooting the picture we can go out to dinner? Cashier
: Do you have an account here, sir? Davy
: [points his tommy gun at her
] Hand over the money.
: Wow! Hey, fellas, there's policemen outside with the uniforms and the badges and psychadelic lights and all...
: I'll kill the first Weskitt that crosses that line! Jud Weskitt
: Oh, I'll shoot the first Chubber that crosses! Peter
: Oh, well, we're neither Weskitt nor Chubber. Davy
: No! Peter
: I guess that lets us off the hook. Paw Chubber
: We both hate strangers!
[both families cock their guns and aim at the Monkees
: I geuss that, er, puts us back on the hook.
: Sonny, would you help a little old lady across the street? Davy
: That's a very rough way to break into the boy scouts, isn't it?
: You no account city slicker! Davy
: I'm not a city slicker! Jud Weskitt
: How much is one and one? Davy
: Two. Jud Weskitt
: That proves it, ya fast talkin' sharpie! Davy
: But I'm not from the city, I'm English. Maw Weskitt
: [jumps off her rocking chair
] A dang Red-Coat! I knew they'd be comin' back. Davy
: Wha- well, you haven't been at war with the British since 1812. Maw Weskitt
: That's the year I was born, sonny, I remember it very clear. Davy
: What's kept you alive all this time? Maw Weskitt
: Hate! Hate and vengeance!
: Listen, you wait here, I'll go and get the preacher. Here's the ring. Jud Weskitt
: Thanks, stranger. Say, I'd sure like for you to be my best man. Davy
: Oh, that's a very nice gesture, Jud. Jud Weskitt
: And lend me two bucks for the preacher? Davy
: Two bucks! How much is that in English money? Jud Weskitt
: Seventeen shilling and six pence. Davy
: Okay, I'll manage that.
: [teasing a swan
] You ain't got no wings, you chicken. I've met your type before. You don't have any wings. Don't come near me!
: [Going to ride a horse
] I'd like a nice, rough one.
: [Mickey has gone horseback riding without any boots on
] I gotta tell ya, these boots are awful thin. Davy
: They weren't made for walking, baby.
: Shall we kill him now, or later? Mister Shneider
: Does hunger justify murder? Davy
: Oh, man, they'd never convict you if they tasted that.
: You too, if you stand up, you may join us. Davy
: Er, I am standing up.
: [as the rigged blimp carrying the muscle man floats away
] Well, there he goes. Davy
: Yeah, where's that uh der-uh... der-uh blimp headed for? Peter
: [almost comically
] Bayonne, New Jersey. Davy
: Bayon-Bayonne, New Jer-? You know, I used to have a girlfriend in Bayonne, New Jersey. Peter
: Anything like the Secaucus girls? Davy
] No, I don't know, her name was MaryAnn.
: Ehm, Doctor Mendoza, I sort of assume that you want us to teach your friend Rock and Roll? Dr. Mendoza
: That's right. Rock und Roll really appeals to the little monster. Davy
: Oh, it's a child. Is he your son? Dr. Mendoza
: Yes, I guess you could say he is my own flesh and blood. Hah!
: Groovy man, that's not my bag. Don't get uptight. Davy
: Hey, he's become a hippie. Monster
: Let's split, go to my pad. That's where it's at. Groovy? Dig? Mike
: Oh great, now we got a super hippie on our hands.
: Android, Andy! Andy, wait, I'm Peter, your friend. The doctor is an evil man. He wants to exploit you. You're only a pawn in his hands! A tool for his apporicious ambition. Mike
: Apporicious ambitions? Where did he get that? Davy
: It's in the script. Mike
: Are you sure? Davy
: Yes, on page 28.
: Hey, I didn't know you could read. Peter
: I have been able to read since I was fifteen years old.
: We'll even witness things that never even 'appened. Mike
: You tell 'em, tiny!
: [referring to the enormous Boris
] A fine figure of a man, isn't he? Mike
: He is. What have you - you got a sister? Davy
: Yeah, we could all three of us take her out her at the same time. Micky
: [fake sounding laugh
] Ha ha ha ha ha.
: And so, untill this crisis is over, I will hunker down like a jackass in a hall storm, dot, dot, dot. Davy
: Oh Mike, that's terrible. No politician would ever say a thing like that.
: I'll bet it was political sabatooge. Davy
: How do you know that? Peter
: I'm not a campy aide for nothing.
: This is it! It's those thousands of little people sending in their nickels, dimes, and quarters. Mike
: But these checks are for hundreds, and thousands! Micky
: This is it, Mike, it's those thousands of big people sending their hundreds and thousands. Davy
: Hey, what are we gonna do with all this money? Micky
: It's two days to election. We can blow this town wide open! Mike
: Micky, the town's already wide open. That's what we're trying to change. Micky
: It's two days to election, we can blow this town wide closed!
: What did you bring me here for? Shazer
: You are the guest of King Hassar of Nehudi. You are going to marry his daugher. Davy
: Marry his daugher? I don't even know her! Anyway, why would she want to marry me? Shazer
: Why does the camel sleep with one eye facing the desert moon? Davy
: To keep his pants up?
: This king kidnapped me and he wants me to marry his daughter! Micky
: Nice looking? Davy
: Well, you know, he's not bad.
: Did you know that a chick mailed herself to Davy? Davy didn't... Interviewer
: Oh! Yeah! What happened about that one? Davy
: Some, some young lady came up with the bright idea of mailing herself to us... Mike
: And it ruined her arm...
[makes postage machine noises
: And she put herself in a big box, put herself in a box this big, and sent herself up and put photographs on it. And we opened it and this young lady popped out. Interviewer
: What happened to her? Peter
: Popped her back in again. Davy
: We shipped her to the Beatles.
: Don't worry, Natasha; I won't let them take you away. I'll fight to the death to protect you! Davy
: But Peter, she's a big star! This could lead to an international incident... maybe war! The whole world could be destroyed! Peter
: Don't worry. If the whole world is destroyed, I'll take the responsibility. Micky
: With a little more ego, he can be President!
: Prepare yourself, rehearsal band, Natasha Pavlova will soon be ready to dance. Micky
: [indeterminable accent
] Mickolovitch Dolenzovitch will soon be ready to play! Nicolai
: How soon will Dolenzovitch be ready to play? Micky
: As soon as Dolenzovitch finds out which end to put in his mouth. Peter
: Micky... Davy
: Micky, it's a string intrument. Micky
: [American accent
] Right, man.
: Er, now let's understand this, you mean you're gonna shoot us and keep him because of his face?
: [indicating his own face
] Well what do you think this is, chop liver? Davy
: [Indicating Micky's face also
] Here, these two, here. Peter
: Well, it can't be you every week, Davy.
: Davy, you and Peter go hide in the bedroom. Davy
: He already knows about us, it's the horse we got to hide.
: You have a very sick horse here. Mike
: Oh, eh, Dr. Mann, you don't understand. Dr. Mann
: Please don't explain, there's no time to waist, I may have to operate. Peter
: [dressed as the front end of a horse
] You can't operate. I'm not a horse, I'm a Monkee. Dr. Mann
: Hahaha, A likely story. I suppose you sing, too? Davy
: [dressed as the back end of a horse
] Yeah, both of us in here do. Dr. Mann
: Egad, it's even worse than I thought. This horse not only has delusions of singing, it has a split personality!
: [Coming into the barn ringing a big Triangle shouting
] It's Tuesday morning! Got a lotta work to be done: gotta feed the hogs, gotta plow the south forty, gotta milk the cows, gotta feed the chickens. Come on boys, come on. Mike
: Come on, we gotta go... plow the cow... Micky
: Something about... I'm supposed to go milk the chicken? Peter
: I think we ought to go to feed the south porty. Davy
: Feed the chickens to the cows.
: What do you want to do? Mike
: Oh, I don't know. I just thought I'd sort of sit around the house and FAIL.
: We're coming to tune the piano, Charlie. Bernard Class
: Three guys to tune one piano? Micky
: Yeah, well he does the black keys, and he does the white keys and I do the cracks.
: It's a very tough union.
: [Watching Peter flying as a Monkeeman
] Hey, he can fly. Mike
: Who, Peter? Davy
: No. Micky
: A speeding bullet's much faster than that.
: Hey, what's the matter? We paid the rent the first of September. Babbitt
: Yeah, but that was for July!
: Okay, Kingsley, the chapter's over.
: What are we doing eating breakfast with Mr. Schneider? Davy
: Well, Peter's not here, and we got lonely. Mike
: Peter's not - You mean he's not back from the museum yet? Micky
: Maybe he's in trouble. Davy
: Heh! How much trouble can you get into in a museum? Micky
: He's in trouble. Davy
: He's in trouble.
: Okay men, Mission: Ridiculous. Mike
] Gathering our team of experts from the four corners of the earth, we'll be a taskforce of deadliness, efficiency and teamwork. Mike
: [Davy is seen climbing onto a rooftop
] The Manchester Marauder. Davy
: [a duffelbag is thrown onto his head
] Gee, thanks, Peter, I really needed that. Peter
: [of screen
] That's ok, Davy, any time.
[Davy bumps into a pole, then grabs an antenna and gets a shock of electricity
: [resuming his narration
] The Conneticut Counterspy combines nerves of steel, cool-eyed perseption and some fancy footwork. Davy
: [Peter knocks over a potted plant as he climbs on the roof
] Peter, watch the pla- oh, it's not real anyway.
[Davy throws the fake plant over the railing
: [off screen
] Ouch! Mike
: [still narrating
] Their ability to make quick, irriversible decisions show why they were picked for this group.
[Peter bumps into the pole
: [Mike climbs up on the roof as his narration continues
] The modest but towering Texan needs no introduction. His stoiclike ability to endure pain... Mike
: [Mike bumps into the pole
] ... prove why he is a leader among men.
[Mike grabs the electricity pole but does not feel a thing
: Last, but not least, is the Los Angeles Leopard, known in Peoria as The Panther Man.
[Micky climbs onto the rooftop carrying the painting
: And somewhat hampered by a low resistance to the night air.
[Micky sneezes as the other three team members run up to him and shush
: He is the only weak link in our chain.
: [using psychological warfare
] You're nailbiter. You're nailbiter and your mother never ever loved you. Toto
: You are too short. You are too short. You have no ear for music. Davy
: Aah. Mike, Mike. Help me, Mike. Mike
: I'll handle this. You're ugly. You're an ugly person. Ugly, ugly, ooh are you ugly. Nobody likes you least of all me. Nobody, nobody likes you.
: Speed is not as important as secrecy. In our business, secrecy is our most important weapon. Utter secrecy! Davy
: Secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy. Inspector Blount
: What are you doing? Mike
: Uttering secrecy.
: Alright, alright boys, that's enough, boys I get the idea. Davy
: Oh, but Mr. Latham, no, you don't understand, you see... Latham
: Oh, no need to apologize, all you've done is waist my time.
: It's no use, Micky, he won't budge. Micky
: Well, we got to get him outta here before 'racullo gets back. Davy
: [snaps fingers
] I've got it: experimental psychology! Micky
: [serious tone of voice
] What's that? It sounds complicated! Davy
: [hits Peter on the head with a big mallet
] Actually, it's not.
: I say, Peter, would you care for another spot of tea? Peter
: No thanks, I have several spots allready.
] T.N. Crumpetts
: Eh, Carruthers, spray away...
[Carruthers begins spraying a scent into the air
: What's that? T.N. Crumpetts
: It's for atmosphere. Genuine London Mist spray. Also comes in roll-on, of course. Davy
: [fake Liverpudlian accent
] Smells like Liverpool to me.
: [Dressed like Hamlet, carrying a skull
] No longer shall we suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Catalina. On the morrow, we will show that popinjay he doth abuse The Monkees at his own peril. Davy
: What does that mean? Micky
: It means the Monkees strike back!
: I object your honor! Davy
: [hits him on the head with a toy mallett
] Don't object so much, you'll live longer.
: Would you believe that the Peter we all know and love has now turned into a wolf in sheeps clothing? Micky
: Which just goes to prove: you can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. If you have enough good silk. Davy
: Which proves more than ever, it's not how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose.
: [realizing they're filming the same episode they deserted before
] Jim, what is this? The secret apple? Mike
: We just got back, we wanted to get away from this. Micky
: And it's the same thing! Peter
: [holding up the prop gun held by Art Lewis
] And what's with this? What's with this? Violence on the show? Every time we turn around somebody's got a gun! Director
: [motioning to Art Lewis
] Will you listen to me? He doesn't have a mustache, he's not using an accent, and it's not the microfilm, it's the secret apple. Davy
: Yeah, and when's the short guy gonna come in? It's the same one every week. Micky
: Same show! Mike
: Man, it's terrible. Davy
: The same story and they change it around. Micky
: [to the viewer
] We'll see you next week, kids. Mike
] Yeah, we'll think of something by then. Davy
] Hey, it's a drag. Director
: [as the boys sadly walk off the set
] Uh, okay, let's come in for a closeup on the monkey.