Lou Grant
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Quotes for
Lou Grant (Character)
from "Mary Tyler Moore" (1970)

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"Lou Grant: Nightside (#4.1)" (1980)
Lou Grant: [Lou's nightside replacement Kendall is running late again] His excuses depress me! The one I hate most is about 'how bad the traffic was coming back from the beach'.

Lou Grant: [Billie is gesturing to Lou while he's on the phone] Listen, Marcel Marceau is giving a command performance here, and I gotta go.

Billie Newman: I didn't mean for you to hang up.
Lou Grant: [eagerly] Did you bring me dinner?
Billie Newman: No, I'm sorry, Lou, was I supposed to?

Kim: [Kim is fixing a mechanical typewriter on Lou's desk as he is about to sit down] Guy died in that chair once...
Lou Grant: I know. That machine killed him.

Lou Grant: Who are you?
Scotty: I'm Scotty, the night copy kid.
Lou Grant: You look like a congressman at a picnic.

Lou Grant: [referring to Corrine's way of handling a phone call] Very cagey.
Corinne: Cagey, my ladylike behind.

Lou Grant: [speaking to Mrs. Pynchon on phone] We thought you were out gambling.
Mrs. Pynchon: [at home in bed] Owning a newspaper's all the gamblin I need to do.

Lou Grant: Boy, Hal, you sure are a mean one. What kind of a preacher are you?
Hal Hennecker: Terrible.

Lou Grant: [to Hal] Take this bilge Corrine wrote and make it sound like news.

"Lou Grant: Cophouse (#1.1)" (1977)
[first lines]
Lou Grant: You free?
Cab Driver: [cab driver wakes up from snoozing] Free as anyone is, today, pal.

Lou Grant: Excuse me, can I have your name, please?
Tim Butterfield: Why?
Lou Grant: I'm not sure yet, indulge me.

Charlie Hume: You lost weight, didn't you?
Lou Grant: About 40 pounds. I worked at it, now it's all off.
Charlie Hume: I liked you better fat.
Lou Grant: [a bit disgruntled] Everybody says that.

Charlie Hume: [Lou is about to meet Mrs. Pynchon for the frist time] And don't mention you were working in television, she hates it.
Lou Grant: Then what do I tell her I've been doing the last ten years?
Charlie Hume: Tell her you were in jail.

Lou Grant: [on phone] Driscoll, Lou Grant. How's it going?
George Driscoll: [on other line] Oh, well, up and down, over and under, in and out, you can't complain.

Lou Grant: Just check me. Is this an old fashioned notion of mine, that, when we find out things, we put them in our newspaper. Because if we find out things and just keep them to ourselves, we'd have all this empty white space in the morning.

Lou Grant: [having received a phone call that Driscoll has fallen off the wagon] I guy I know fell down. I think I gave him the push.

Lou Grant: [after being chewed out by Mrs. Pynchon] I feel like a tin roof in a hail storm.
Mrs. Pynchon: Really? Well I hadn't even gotten to you yet.

"Lou Grant: Cameras (#5.11)" (1982)
Charlie Hume: [Billie is covering a hostage situation on the spot] This is good stuff that Billie is sending in, but why didn't she interview that father who offered to change places with his kids?
Art Donovan: Where'd you get that?
Charlie Hume: Peggy Daye just interviewed him on Channel 6.
Lou Grant: [sarcastic] Well, why don't you turn the volume up real loud, Charlie, we'll just copy it down.
Charlie Hume: [slightly miffed] I merely mentioned it.

Lou Grant: [Linda is keeping an eye on the TV news coverage while working at her desk] What happened?
Linda: They have gone back to regular programming, but they'll cut to live coverage again...
Lou Grant: [interrupting] I don't mean what happened on the TV, I mean at the restaurant.

Billie Newman: [in phone booth on the scene] Everything is just sort of on hold here, Lou. Some of these parents are beside themselves.
Lou Grant: [on other line at the City Desk] I can imagine...
[notices something on TV covering the same story]
Lou Grant: Eh... wait a minute, Billie. Why is the, eh... why is the Swat team leaving?
Billie Newman: [springs into action] You tell me. I didn't know they were. You seem to have a better seat than I have.
[hangs up]

Adam Wilson: [watching the TV news coverage of the hostage situation] Well, so much for the home edition.
Joe Rossi: Yeah, the whole city's having breakfast and watching this.
Art Donovan: You mean they're not sitting there glued to their newspapers waiting for further developments?
Lou Grant: TV wins this round, no contest.

Charlie Hume: [Lou and Charlie are surprised to see Mrs. Pynchon in the break room] Mrs. Pynchon. We don't often see you in here.
Mrs. Pynchon: Well, the last time was in 1977. It doesn't seem to have changed much.
Lou Grant: Some of the sandwiches are new.

Lou Grant: You missed your calling, Charlie. You would've made a top notch psychiatrist.
Charlie Hume: No need to be sarcastic.
Lou Grant: Or a detective, even.
Charlie Hume: It was merely an observation.

Lou Grant: The peole want subtlety, let them read The Newyorker. Our job is to spell things out.

Billie Newman: [upset with Lou] So when something I write gets changed around to satisfy someones notion obout what makes good copy, it makes me...
[searches for a word]
Billie Newman: ... it makes me furious.
Lou Grant: Livid, right? Outraged.
Billie Newman: Damn it, now you're even rewriting my yelling at you!

"Lou Grant: Hoax (#1.3)" (1977)
Lou Grant: Art Donovan, I want you to meet Jack Rily, he's an even faster two-fingered typist than you are.
Jack Riley: That's before the good Lord opened a calsium mine in my hands. Nice to see you, Art, don't shake it too hard.

Jack Riley: If I put a plate full of rubies in front of you, would you puss 'em away?
Lou Grant: Rubies always give me indigestion.

Lou Grant: You wanna tell us about it?
Jack Riley: [hesitant] It's a bit embarassing, Lou.
Lou Grant: Make us blush.

Joe Rossi: If you let this flake suck you in, you're a couple of idiots!
Charlie Hume: You're his immediate superior, Lou, would you like to respond?
Lou Grant: Thank you Charlie, I think I would.
[stands up and walks to Rossi]
Lou Grant: How'd you like to have your nose moved over to were your ear is?

Jack Riley: The only reason I brought this here, is because that man is my friend. I could've very easily brought it to the Times, I still can. I'm sure Mr. Cardell won't mind.
Charlie Hume: No sir, Jack, this is our baby! Lou, you go with Rossi, corroborate the whole thing. Donovan can cover the desk.
Lou Grant: 'Our baby', Charlie?
Charlie Hume: Unless Cardell doesn't show in 48 hours. Then it's your baby, Lou.
[a beat]
Charlie Hume: Congratulations.

Lou Grant: How much does this story mean to you?
Joe Rossi: A lot, why?
Lou Grant: You may have to dance with me.

Lou Grant: [shouting] Jack, hang up! They found the body.
Jack Riley: Body?
Joe Rossi: What body?
Lou Grant: Cardell's! At the bottom of a canyon back home. Dead!
Jack Riley: [a beat] You know what? I like my story better.

Mrs. Pynchon: [angry] It would be a great story if it happened to the Times. I wish it had happened to the Times.
Lou Grant: And if it had, we'd print it.
Mrs. Pynchon: With flags around it!
Lou Grant: It's our story, it happened to us, we've got all the facts. Or would you rather see it in the Times?
Mrs. Pynchon: Are you thinking of moving over there?
Lou Grant: Are you thinking of sending me?
Mrs. Pynchon: It's crossed my mind. But then I remembered what a good relationship I have with them...

"Lou Grant: Aftershock (#1.6)" (1977)
Lou Grant: [having just had a small earthquake] Take a look at the damage out near Palmdale, take the Animal with you.
Joe Rossi: Why me?
Lou Grant: Because if the Earth opens up, I want you to be there.

Lou Grant: [Lou is the only one in the office rattled after a small earthquake] You know, that was my first quake.
Charlie Hume: We all have to lose it sometime, Lou.

Joe Rossi: Come on, Lou, cockroaches?
Lou Grant: I've read about lots of scientific research going on about animals sensing quakes before people do.
Joe Rossi: Yeah, but cockroaches are just barely animals.
Lou Grant: They're just barely insects, but maybe you'll find a funny angle on it.

Lou Grant: Duncan was with a woman when he died.
Billie Newman: He was In Flagrante Delicto?
Art Donovan: What does that mean?
Billie Newman: It means he died with her boots on.

Hotel Manager: You're not gonna print the name of the hotel, now are you? I mean, eh, I mean there's just no need to bring this favor to an L.A. institution.
Lou Grant: Good point. We'll just say that he died in an unspecified fleabag on 120 West 14 street.

Lou Grant: [Lou has messed up a eulogy at Duncan Aldrige's funeral] It just didn't come out right.
Margaret Pynchon: Nobody's blaming you...
Lou Grant: [quietly] Thanks.
Margaret Pynchon: ...for the quake.

Lou Grant: What do you do when guys cling to you?
Billie Newman: Well, mostly I cling back.

"Lou Grant: Pack (#4.3)" (1980)
Lou Grant: [on phone] Billie, I want that interview. The stuff we're getting from you we could pull off the wires.
Billie Newman: [in telephone booth] Oh, come on, Lou, that's not fair. I hardly have time to eat. Even the other writers have trouble.
Lou Grant: I don't care if you eat, I don't care about other writers. Now, that, that's part of your problem: you're awed by those guys. You're so impressed you can't write. Now, you got anything else for me?
Billie Newman: [annoyed] Yeah. Flo Meredith says hi.
Lou Grant: [brightens up] Flo? Oh, now listen, tell her -
[Billie hangs up]

Margaret Pynchon: Is that lunch, or a suicide attempt?
Lou Grant: [mouth full] Pastrami, lean. Kinda lean. You wanna have?
[offers her some]
Margaret Pynchon: Oh no, my cardiologist is on vacation.

Margaret Pynchon: I hear we're being swamped with complaints from groups that are backing Carlisle.
Lou Grant: Nice to see Billie's story has impact.
Margaret Pynchon: A runaway bus has impact, Mr. Grant, but it's rarely favorable.

Charlie Hume: Where'd she get the tip?
Lou Grant: A source, very reliable.
Rubin Castillo: I thought 'Very Reliable' lived in Washington.
Adam Wilson: Yeah, right down the street from 'High Ranking Official'.

Lou Grant: It's a good senate race, maybe even better than the Presidential election. I think we ought to jump all over it.
Charlie Hume: Well, we've got Hayward traveling with the campaign, he files every day.
Lou Grant: Hayward thinks 'I Like Ike' is a hot new slogan.
Charlie Hume: He really covers the campaing trail.
Lou Grant: Sure, he's been on it since God was a boy.

Billie Newman: [on phone in hotel room] We've been getting cold sandwiches for lunch.
Lou Grant: [on other line, expressing mock sympathy] Aaah...
Billie Newman: Nooooo, you don't understand. Up 'till now, everthing has been first cabin. We've had hot lunches and nice hotels, and now we're lucky if we get a stale cheese sandwich for lunch and the cockroaches in the rooms are so big we give them names.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Love Is All Around (#1.1)" (1970)
Lou Grant: You know what, you've got spunk!
Mary Richards: Well, yes...
Lou Grant: I *hate* spunk!

Lou Grant: Look, Miss, I was just about to have a drink, and I wouldn't mind some company. Want one?
Mary Richards: Oh, no thank you.
Lou Grant: I said I wouldn't mind some company.
Mary Richards: Well, all right, I'll... I'll have a Brandy Alexander.

Lou Grant: If I don't like you, I'll fire you! If you don't like me, I'll fire you!

[during Mary's job interview]
Lou Grant: What religion are you?
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, I don't quite know how to say this, but you're not allowed to ask that when someone's applying for a job. It's against the law.
Lou Grant: Wanna call a cop?
Mary Richards: No.
Lou Grant: Good. Would you think I was violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married?
Mary Richards: Presbyterian.

Lou Grant: What religion are you?
Mary Richards: I don't know quite how to say this, Mr. Grant, but you're not allowed to ask that. It's against the law.
Lou Grant: Want to call a cop?
Mary Richards: No.
Lou Grant: Would I be violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married or not?
Mary Richards: Presbyterian.

Lou Grant: You got a lotta spunk.
Mary Richards: Why thank you, Mr. Grant
Lou Grant: I HATE spunk.

"Lou Grant: Babies (#2.10)" (1978)
Lou Grant: [Rossi borrowed Billie's contact book without asking] Rossi, a nice reporter does not do a thing like that. Now if you ever touch her book again, I'm personally gonna roll all your fingers through the typewriter.

Billie Newman: How do they get the babies in the first place?
McIntyre: Advertise for 'em.
Lou Grant: Advertise? What magazines do babies read?

Joe Rossi: Lou, she went out of her way to make me sound like a bum.
Lou Grant: Did she have to go far out of her way?

Lou Grant: Any questions?
Charlie Hume: Yeah. How the hell am I gonna get ten thousand dollars out of Mrs. Pynchon?
Mrs. Pynchon: [cut to Mrs. Pynchon in her office] Ten thousand dollars? That's a one followed by four zero's!

Billie Newman: [on phone in sleazy hotel] Nothing. There's nothing to do. We watched a movie on television...
Lou Grant: [on other line, at home] You're just like me. As soon as I get into a hotel I start watching old movies. What'd you see?
Billie Newman: "Swinging in the Rain" and "What Happened to Bonnie".
Lou Grant: What's that, a whodunit?
Billie Newman: No, no... this movie is more like an 'everybody done it'.

"Lou Grant: Pills (#2.1)" (1978)
[Charlie Hume is on his way out to give a lecture to some high school journalism students. Donovan is making fun of some of Charlie's "visual aids."]
Art Donovan: [Pulls out a reporter's notebook from the box] Hey, great! A book! That's what reporters write on!
Lou Grant: Oh...
Art Donovan: [Pulls out a roll of wire copy] And some wire copy. What reporters write from.
Lou Grant: Oh...
Charlie Hume: I figured one picture's worth a thousand words.
Lou Grant: That's a hell of a thing to say in a room full of reporters.

Lou Grant: Dexedrine, what's that, Speed?
Joe Rossi: Yeah, Speed. That'll put you in the Daytona 500 without a car. It's one of the newer amphetamines.

Arthur Locatelli: [armed with a search warrant] Now, which one is Mr. Rossi's desk?
Lou Grant: Go to hell.

Detective Rather: Eh Mr. Rossi, we wanna ask you a few questions. Eh...
[pulls out his badge and shows it to Rossi]
Detective Rather: Would you like to come along with us, please?
Walt Krasner: Are you arresting Mr. Rossi?
Detective Rather: Oh, no, we just wanna ask him a few questions.
Lou Grant: I think you'd better arrest him, then.
Joe Rossi: Lou, what are you doing?
Lou Grant: Until you're arrested, they don't have to let you have an attorney. And they don't have to tell you what they're thinking of charging you with. Isn't that right, Walt?
Walt Krasner: That's right, I'm afraid.
Joe Rossi: Ok, arrest me.
[holds up his arms]

Billie Newman: Lou, how do I dress to cover either a Presidential dinner or a karate festival?
Lou Grant: I don't know... Maybe a cocktail dress with a black belt?

"Lou Grant: Sting (#4.4)" (1980)
Charlie Hume: That wasn't a bad four dollar lunch.
Lou Grant: Yeah, too bad it cost ten...

Mrs. Lacy: Don't you want to look at the kitchen too?
Lou Grant: No.
Mrs. Lacy: Smart. If you never learn how to cook, someone else will always do it for you.
Lou Grant: Right.

Lou Grant: Why do beach stories take twice as long as stories on the inner city?
Billie Newman: It's hard to walk through the sand...

Lou Grant: This guy Thatcher was pretty convincing.
Lieutenant McPhee: And pretty thorough. If my wife had kept the house this clean, I never would have divorced her.

Charlie Hume: Dillon, Collins, whoever you are, what the hell was going on in my house and why did you lie to us?
Thatcher: I only lied about my name.
Lou Grant: And about your connection with L.A.P.D.
Thatcher: You said L.A.P.D., not me.

"Lou Grant: Lou (#3.19)" (1980)
Lou Grant: Well, I haven't gotten the memo yet, but any way that we can be protected from the nuts who call the city room would be great.
Mrs. Pynchon: That's not what the memo says. I asked you to be courteous to the nuts who call the city room.

Lou Grant: [to Rossi] I don't see you getting on your jacket, didn't I give you enough of a why?
Joe Rossi: I'm going, I'm going.

Lou Grant: Look, I know you think the Nuclear Industry's the biggest bad guy since Sidney Greenstreet. Under normal circumstances, I'd be happy to indulge you but...
Art Donovan: [interrupting] Don't indulge me, my feelings have nothing to do with this, I'm talking about something that could be a mayor news event.

Billie Newman: It's been three years, right?
Animal: Almost four.
Billie Newman: He's aged about twenty. We've seen the man grow old.
Animal: It's the pressure.
Billie Newman: I know that, but it's still sad.
Lou Grant: You can spare the sympathy, Billie. You wanna talk, do it to my face, not behind my back.
Animal: Huh?
Billie Newman: What do you mean, Lou? We were talking about the President.

Billie Newman: Lou, I think piling Sam's stuff outside the door is cruel.
Lou Grant: That's my style.
Billie Newman: No it's not...

"Lou Grant: Denial (#2.12)" (1979)
Lou Grant: Coffee smells good for a change!
Art Donovan: Oh, that's not the coffee. One of the electric typewriters short circuited. Caught on fire.

Lou Grant: Ok, what's wrong?
Ellen: What do you mean?
Lou Grant: Burt not coming with you, what's wrong?
Ellen: Why do you always jump to the conclusion that something's wrong? I mean, did it ever enter your mind that Burt didn't come with us because he's busy?
Lou Grant: Is that it?
Ellen: No. We're separating.

Art Donovan: Leading off for the day we have the finals for the Miss Nude Los Angeles Pageant. I had six reporters available, I sent Rosenthal.
Lou Grant: Why Rosenthal?
Art Donovan: 'Cause he was the highest bidder.

Lou Grant: You do that? Give money to bums? I dunno, usually I don't. I figure they, they're just gonna drink it.
Mrs. Pynchon: Oh, I don't either, but, ehm, that poor fellow used to work for the Tribune.
Lou Grant: Oooh, that's too bad.
Mrs. Pynchon: He's a former City Editor.
[Lou stops and looks at her, shocked]
Mrs. Pynchon: I'm just joking.

Lou Grant: Nicky takes his lead from you, honey. If he thinks you can't accept him the way he is, how can he accept himself?

"Lou Grant: Sect (#1.18)" (1978)
Lou Grant: [to Charlie] If you don't get back on the ball, I'm gonna end up with your job and I don't want it!

Charlie Hume: You know who my closest friend is? My oldest and closest friend?
Lou Grant: Me.
Charlie Hume: Oh, right. I guess I mean my closest Los Angeles friend.
Lou Grant: Me.
Charlie Hume: Lou, how 'bout my oldest and closest friend who isn't you?

Lou Grant: [to Orrin and Mitch] Remind me not to start chanting around you guys.

Lou Grant: [to Orrin] Have I ever shown you my back door? It's really a wonderful back door. It opens right onto an alley. You and Mitch are gonna love it.

[Mrs. Pynchon has been annoyed at the delays in getting a new religion editor]
Lou Grant: [Walking into Charlie Hume's office] Charlie, I know it's late. But can we go over this list of people for religion editor? I don't think we have any serious candidates. But Mrs. Pynchon just sent down a snippy little note about waiting for puffs of white smoke to come up the stairwell.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Chuckles Bites the Dust (#6.7)" (1975)
Lou Grant: Lucky more people weren't hurt. Lucky that elephant didn't go after somebody else.
Murray Slaughter: That's right. After all, you know how hard it is to stop after just one peanut.

Lou Grant: Chuckles the Clown is dead. It was a freak accident. He went to the parade dressed as Peter Peanut, and a rogue elephant tried to shell him.

Lou Grant: I don't want anybody to make any fuss. When I go, I just want to be stood outside in the garbage with my hat on.

Ted Baxter: Nothing can spoil my day now that I'm going to be Grand Marshal of the circus parade.
Lou Grant: Forget it, Ted, you aren't.
Ted Baxter: What?
Lou Grant: I said, forget it. My anchorman isn't marching down the street with a chimp. It tends to give him an undignified image.
Ted Baxter: Oh, Lou... it won't give me an undignified image!
Lou Grant: I was talking about the chimp.

Ted Baxter: You saved my life, Lou. You saved my life.
Lou Grant: Please, Ted, I feel bad enough today.

"Lou Grant: Blackout (#3.20)" (1980)
Art Donovan: Rossi smells blood...
Lou Grant: It's nice to see him happy again.

Lou Grant: [about betting on the Earthquake pool] Mrs. Pynchon, it costs a dollar to get in.
Mrs. Pynchon: Why, are you suggesting I'm not good for the money, Mr. Grant?

Lou Grant: The entire area gets blacked out and Rossi takes it personaly.

Mrs. Pynchon: [having a meeting by candle light due to a blackout] Well, this is certainly a romantic setting for a press conference.
Lou Grant: Mrs. Pynchon, in this light, you look just like Lauren Bacall.
Mrs. Pynchon: Well, thank you, Mr. Grant. So do you.
[giggles like a school girl]

Billie Newman: This is terrific.
Lou Grant: It's better than terrific! Hm!
Mrs. Pynchon: What on earth are you eating?
Lou Grant: Soup. It used to be ice cream.
Charlie Hume: We liberated it from the cafeteria. You have your choice of Vanilla Fudge, Rocky Road or Neopolitan.
Mrs. Pynchon: Which do you suppose goes best with cognac?
Lou Grant: Anything goes with cognac.

"Lou Grant: Airliner (#1.14)" (1978)
Art Donovan: You really look beat, Lou.
Lou Grant: I should be. I haven't slept in three nights. There's this bird in a tree outside my window.
Art Donovan: What kind of a bird?
Lou Grant: Inconsiderate.

Art Donovan: Mrs. Pynchon is very interested in endangered species.
Lou Grant: Yeah, that's why she owns a newspaper.

Lou Grant: [to Billie] I was gonna send you out, but since your hair is wet, I won't. I don't wanna give the paper a bad name.

Lou Grant: Me, speak French? I ordered 'escargot' once and I ended up with a plate full of snails!

Lou Grant: Listen Pearson, I realize that you'd love a paper that's nothing but advertising from front to back. But every once in a while I get a crazy whim, to stick in a story here and there.

"Lou Grant: Vet (#2.14)" (1979)
Sutton: Eh, I cleaned your windshield off. That ought to be worth something, don't you think?
Lou Grant: [takes a good look] No, you didn't clean my windshield... you just spread the dust and the bugs around.
Sutton: Well, shoot, there's a little spot in the center there you can see through if you duck your head a little.

Lou Grant: [inquiring about The Animal] Does he ever take hallucinogenics?
Joe Rossi: Are you kidding? He is an hallucinogenic.

Lou Grant: You ever think of Vietnam?
Charlie Hume: You mean the war? Not if I can help it.
Lou Grant: I think there's a story there.
Charlie Hume: Lou, we had the Vietnam War on the front page for over seven years. You really think there's something more to be said that hasn't already been chewed over?

The Animal: Something to drink?
Lou Grant: Oh, yeah, you, eh, you got any Scotch?
The Animal: No, eh... I got some apple cider. The color's close...

Lou Grant: Why don't you try me?
The Animal: It's a long story, Lou.
Lou Grant: I don't have to go to work 'till nine tomorrow morning.

"Lou Grant: Obituary (#5.16)" (1982)
Lou Grant: I respect the right of any moth to be happy and multiply, just not when it gets in the way of a story.

Lou Grant: Ben Pomeroy, Helen Patterson and Bob O'Brien all made a choice - the same choice over and over, no matter how stormy their lives. Like a needle returning steadily to a true direction, they held a commitment to do a job well. There's a dignity and quiet grace in that. Is it comfort enough for those who knew them? It will have to be.

Lou Grant: That woman snaps up stories like a lizard after flies.

Lou Grant: These stories sound glamorous, but you know what he's doing right now? Standing in the rain, drinking cold coffee, waiting for a bunch of psychopaths to stop hacking each other to death. Pretty close to heaven, huh?

"Lou Grant: Judge (#1.9)" (1977)
Art Donovan: There was a small fire over on Melrose. I sent Rosenthal... he put it out.
Lou Grant: Good man, Rosenthal. We ought to send him to the Middle East.

Lou Grant: Billie?
Louisa Sanchez: Why you calling here?
Lou Grant: She speaks Spanish.
Louisa Sanchez: But I'm speaking English.
Lou Grant: She speaks that, too.

Lou Grant: I throw my garbage out with more sympathy and compasion than he showed me.

Lou Grant: Has he ever been in trouble before? Estaban...
Louisa Sanchez: [thinks a moment] Yes... he used to cut school. Him and me cut school and went to the movies.

"Lou Grant: Schools (#2.7)" (1978)
Lou Grant: Who's next?
Art Donovan: Unless it's Clark Kent, I think we've already found our winner.

Lou Grant: It's not only that Wesley did poorly, eh... Victor Wilson, God bless him, comes off as a cross between O.J. Simpson and Marin Luther King.
Jenny Davis: Kind of a tacklebustin' preacher man, huh?

Lou Grant: Ok, so we've got a teacher who sees trouble everywhere and a principal who thinks he's living in Munchkinland.

Lou Grant: [on phone] Listen, eh, can I come over there and see you?
Jenny Davis: [on other line] Eh... what for?
Lou Grant: I don't know... what you're saying doesn't make sense to me. Maybe if I saw your lips moving, I could understand the words a little better.

"Lou Grant: Skids (#2.23)" (1979)
Lou Grant: Mrs. Pynchon, do you think it's seemly for your City Editor to have to park his car a block and a half from where he works?
Mrs. Pynchon: Well you'll note I didn't arrive here by helicopter this morning myself.

Lou Grant: [on phone] Ok, thanks, Sal.
Sal: [on other line] Hey Lou, I haven't talked to you in eight years. Don't you wanna know how I'm doing? How my family is?
Lou Grant: How're you doing? How's Janine.
Sal: We're divorced.
Lou Grant: I'm sorry... How'd it happen?
Sal: Well, if you don't mind, that's a little personal.
Lou Grant: Ok Sal, don't be a stranger.
[prepares to hang up]
Sal: Call me the next time someone's missing.

Art Donovan: The Skid Row file. Here's one from 1948. Says Skid Row is on the verge of being eliminated.
Lou Grant: Hm. It's nice to see we were right on top of it.

Lou Grant: [Lou offers Doc some money] Can you use this?
Doc: I'll tell you what. I'll take it, if you'll take my advice.
Lou Grant: Shoot.
Doc: [grabs the money] Don't throw your money away on bums, we're not worth it.

"Lou Grant: Andrew: Part 2 (#3.11)" (1979)
Lou Grant: If it had nothing to do with Art Donovan, would we even be considering it?
Charlie Hume: You bet we would!
Lou Grant: Ah...
Charlie Hume: A co-ed, an art student, killed in her apartment by a guy who was just released from a state hospital? You bet your rear end we'd cover it, we would be all over it!

Joe Rossi: You know Danny Richilin?
Lou Grant: Yeah, he's the Journal's Hong Kong buro chief.
Joe Rossi: Yeah, well, he just finished six months in Beijing, which was formerly Peking.
Lou Grant: I know, as in 'Beijing Duck'.

Lou Grant: What's the penalty for second degree murder?
Billie Newman: Five, six or seven years.
Joe Rossi: Fifteen years to life.
Billie Newman: No Rossi, it's a determinant sentence.
Joe Rossi: A lawyer told me!
Billie Newman: A lawyer told me, they just changed the law.
Joe Rossi: That's right and you have the old numbers.
Lou Grant: Hold it, hold it! Remind me not to ask you guys questions unless you can agree on the anwers.

Joe Rossi: Lou, this party I'm having for Danny Richilin in a couple of weeks is getting really big.
Lou Grant: [unenthousiastic] Terrific. You want me to bring something?
Joe Rossi: No, no, no that's ok, but there is one thing you can do, though...
Lou Grant: What?
Joe Rossi: Can you let me have it at your place?
Lou Grant: [unpleasantly surprised] My place?
Joe Rossi: Well, yeah, I just got this small apartment. You've got a dining room, a living room...
Lou Grant: [getting angry] That's true!
Joe Rossi: Good. Someday, if you throw a small party, you can have it at my place.

"Lou Grant: Dying (#2.6)" (1978)
Art Donovan: My mother is not dying, now lay off!
Lou Grant: Lets face it. I'm going to die, you're going to die. Even that gorgeous young girl is going to die, and your mother...
Art Donovan: [interrupting] Lou, go to hell!

Billie Newman: You know those Samurai movies where the guy gets sliced up so fast you can't even see the sword?
Lou Grant: Sure.
Billie Newman: That's how Donovan edits your copy. Slump! "War and Peace" is just "War" and you're not even bleeding.

Billie Newman: I will get you for this.
Joe Rossi: Now let's talk about that. Why do you suppose you're so thin skinned about criticism?
Billie Newman: The days will pass... we'll go our separate ways... you'll drop your guard and I will get you.
Joe Rossi: Why are you lowering this discussion to such a childish level?
Lou Grant: [Lou steps inbetween Billie and Rossi] Billie, go away for five minutes.
Billie Newman: Lou, just let me explain.
Lou Grant: Billie, go down the hall and kick the broken candy machine. Trust me, your problems will disappear.

Donovan: I don't know Lou. I can't stay cheerful and smiling 24 hours a day.
Lou Grant: What makes you think that's what your mother wants? She's seen you every way you can be and whatever it is you are, that's what she wants.

"Lou Grant: Brushfire (#3.14)" (1980)
Lou Grant: [on phone at the Trib] Mr. Hume, this is the Los Angeles Tribune. We just wanted to know what the temperature is in West L.A. this morning.
Charlie Hume: [on other line, at home] Hotter than hell and going up.

Lou Grant, Paul Newman: Well, Mr. Newman...
Paul Newman: Oh, please, Paul.
Art Donovan: Paul Newman... haven't I heard that name somewhere before?
Paul Newman: Well, there's a, there's a minister in Rapid City by that name.
Art Donovan: I guess he's the one...

Lou Grant: [on phone] Hello Mrs. Pynchon. Eh, listen, can I call you back? We've got a fire story breaking here.
Mrs. Pynchon: [on other line on payphone] I know you have a fire story breaking, I'm right in the middle of it.
Lou Grant: Where are you?
Mrs. Pynchon: Your re-write man ordered me to stand by. Oh, Mr. Grant, it's so eerie here.
Mrs. Pynchon: Eh, Th-th-the heavy smoke is starting to blot out the sun and it seems to be snowing ashes.
Lou Grant: Mrs. Pynchon, I'd like to countermand those orders he gave you. With all due respect, I'd like you to hang up, get in your car and get the hell outta there.
Mrs. Pynchon: Oh, Mr. Grant, thank you. I, I think I'd like to do that.
[hangs up]

Lou Grant: They saved Charlie's house.
Art Donovan: Adam wasn't so lucky. All that's left of his is the chimney.

"Lou Grant: Double-Cross (#5.6)" (1981)
Lou Grant: [having just been introduced to Jinx Matheson] Matheson? Shouldn't you be up there?
Jinx Matheson: No, because Alex Matheson and I recently divorced.
Lou Grant: Sorry.
Jinx Matheson: And he got custody of the podium.
[Lou laughs and Jinx joins in]

Linda: He said he had a message, and the message was that Mrs. Pynchon wanted Billie to stop, whatever it was.
[walks off]
Lou Grant: Someones trying to keep you off the story?
Billie Newman: You mean somebody besides you?

Billie Newman: So, the doctor pulls away and I'm sitting there in my car in front of this big Spanish mansion, wondering what I'm doing there, when all of a sudden all of these flood lights go on. I hear angry voices, a gate opens and a big black car about a block long comes screaming down the driveway right at me.
Lou Grant: The Batmobile.
Joe Rossi: No, the Mathesons.

Lou Grant: Talk to Dr. Shephard at the Historical Society, find out what's in the time capsule. Give me a little eh... background. A little 'Gee whiz, nothing ever stays the same' or 'Gee whiz, nothing ever changes.'

"Lou Grant: Hollywood (#3.12)" (1979)
Lou Grant: [narrating] It was one of those Sundays where you don't wanna heat up the kitchen. And making a sandwich only reminds you you're cooking for one. So I figured I'd heat up Phil's kitchen. I didn't realize half of Echo Park had the same idea.

Lou Grant: You two wanna do an update on this murder or would you prefer to sit around bad-mouthing your coleagues of past years?

Thea Taft: Holy smoke. You look just like you sound.
Lou Grant: Sure do you, kid.

Lou Grant: [narrating] Laura Sinclair was on the tube that night. I'd been working late and decided to check out the competition on the eleven o'clock news. I must not have been paying attention, 'cause the next thing I knew, I looked up, and there she was. The girl with the come-hither smile. The picture was called 'The Empty Hour'. I first saw it at Fort Dix a couple of days before we shipped out. She played a girl who worked in a department store and the last scene was on the Staten Island ferry in the pouring rain. She had on one of those sensible wartime hats that kept her face dry. Until she started crying. What a face...

"Mary Tyler Moore: Menage-a-Lou (#6.19)" (1976)
Lou Grant: [Lou's taken aback, as he's just been introduced to his old girlfriend, Chrarlene, and her new - and young - boyfriend, who's a figure skater] Gee, I've never met a figure skater before. This is really exciting. You guys make such a valuable contribution to society. Why, just this morning, I was asking myself; 'how come they've never given a Nobel Proze to a figure skater before?'
Mary Richards: [Nervously butting in to try and stop Lou from saying any more] Uh, Mr. Grant, would you like to freshen your drink?
[Mary grabs Lou's elbow, and attempts to steer him towards the kitchen, but, he doesn't move]
Lou Grant: [Without even looking at Mary] No.
Mary Richards: Kenny, can I get you somethings?
Lou Grant: Why don't you get some ice, for Kenny to twirl around on?

Lou Grant: [Lou keeps digging in to Kenny, Charlene's much younger date] Must be great being an ice skater. What do you wannabes do when you grow up?

Mary Richards: This is ridiculous, Mr. Grant, trying to make Charlene jealous!
Lou Grant: Oh, you think so?
Mary Richards: Yes, I do. It's asinine it's moronic. It's dumb. It's something Ted would do
Lou Grant: There's no need to be insulting.

Ted Baxter: [Ted's sitting on the couch - silent , as he and Georgette are having a fight] Mary, will you tell me when it's 9 o'clock? I want to watch S.W.A.T.
Lou Grant: Maybe Kenny would like to watch Sesame Street.

"Lou Grant: Takeover (#1.12)" (1977)
Lou Grant: [about Mrs. Pynchon's nephews] I don't know them, but I don't think I like them.
Mrs. Pynchon: Then, Mr. Grant, you do know them.

Charlie Hume: Lou, I... I assumed you knew that this was black tie...
Lou Grant: I didn't. But I am wearing one black sock.

Billie Newman: There've been rumors circulating around the building for days. You guys aren't helping any, standing around wispering with long faces...
Lou Grant: I always wanted a long face...

Mrs. Pynchon: Well, what can I say, except what William Shakespeare said: "Friends am I with you, and love you all."
[cheers and applause from the newspaper staff]
Lou Grant: And, and what can we say except what Romeo said: "Mrs. Pynchon, you're o.k."

"Lou Grant: Ghosts (#5.10)" (1982)
Lou Grant: [while on the phone, Lou is put on hold] ... Music to get high blood pressure by.

Lou Grant: [holding a picture of a book lying on the floor] I love it! A book on the floor. Stop the presses!
Billie Newman: Yeah, but a second before it was on the shelf.
Lou Grant: Stop the presses again!

Charlie Hume: Marion had another dream last night, she's quite disturbed by it. She said there was a new man in the City Room, who was in terrible danger. She saw blood all over the place. I know it sounds silly, but she didn't sleep all night.
Lou Grant: There are no new men around here.
Art Donovan: No new women...
Charlie Hume: Sorry I asked.
Billie Newman: [they walk past Billie who picks up her phone] Billie Newman...

Lou Grant: Isn't that the way? The Poltergeist defence will always fold when lust rears it's ugly head.
Art Donovan: Lets not go knocking lust.

"Lou Grant: Survival (#4.14)" (1981)
Wild Bill: You see, eh, when I was growing up on a ranch, my uncle and I, eh, he was half Cherokee, we had to pull about a hundred head o' cattle out of the mud on horseback.
Charlie Hume: I thought you said you grew up in Germany?
Wild Bill: Oh, yeah, well, those are my early years.
Lou Grant: For God's sake, Bill, how many childhoods did you have?

Lou Grant: Rossi, we got a big story here!
Joe Rossi: Bigger than the imminent collapse of Western Civilization as we know it?
Lou Grant: When it collapses, Rossi, it's your story.

Lou Grant: [Lou and Rossi are stuck in Donovan's house] Found something to keep you warm.
[trows a women's nightie at Rossi]
Joe Rossi: Heh! Must be the psychiatrist's.
Lou Grant: Donovan goes to a psychiatrist?
Joe Rossi: No, he goes out with one.

Lou Grant: Relax, Rossi. They'll send a road crew to pick us up.
Joe Rossi: Channel Ten. I hate to be saved by Television!

"Lou Grant: Inheritance (#3.17)" (1980)
Joe Rossi: You always feel like a kid when you're around your folks. It's only when you come to work that you feel like a grown up.
Lou Grant: If you interrupt one more time, I'm sending you to your room without your supper.

Lou Grant: Boy, the language they use: 'pregnancy wastage', 'fetal salvage'. Sounds like they're talking about a junkyard, not a woman's body.

Lou Grant: Don't you talk to your mother? She's sleeping in your living room.
Billie Newman: I can't talk to her about these things, Lou, she's old fashioned.
Lou Grant: Slip her a note at the dinner table, that way you won't have to say it out loud.

Billie Newman: Lou, I've got to to South Dakota.
Lou Grant: Have you ever been to South Dakota this time of year?
Billie Newman: I grew up there, remember?
Lou Grant: Then you should know better.

"Lou Grant: Harassment (#4.2)" (1980)
Art Donovan: [about Hank Pearl] They say he made every woman in the city room.
Lou Grant: Made every woman what?
Art Donovan: [rolls his eyes at Adam] Nervous...

Lou Grant: When I told you to pick a company to investigate sexual harassment, I didn't mean this one.
Billie Newman: I chose the Trib because that way I thought the story would have the most impact.
Lou Grant: I got a feeling you're right...

Catherine Marks: Do you have, ehm, lovers quarrels will all of your reporters?
Lou Grant: Yeah, Rossi's the worst. Especially when he throws things.

Joe Rossi: Lou, Lou, you gotta hear this, I just got back from the Cophouse, right? It's one of those bizare stories...
Art Donovan: Could it be 'Man drives nail through own heart'?
Lou Grant: What was he, a vampire trying to commit suicide?

"Lou Grant: Witness (#3.8)" (1979)
Lou Grant: Look, Mr. Wilke.
Chet Wilke: Chet, please.
Lou Grant: Chet, please, I don't have kids, I'm hardly here, I don't even have that many towels. What am I gonna do with a pool?
Chet Wilke: You are gonna enjoy life to the fullest, my friend, that's what you're gonna do with your pool.
Lou Grant: [getting angry] Ok, now let me tell you what you're gonna do with your pool.

Billie Newman: Lou, Robinson's taken a turn for the worse. He's back on the operating table.
Lou Grant: [Lou is lying on the floor to sooth his aching back] I may join him there...

Art Donovan: Mr. Wilke?
Lou Grant: Yeah... he's selling swimming pools, door to door.
Art Donovan: Door to door, huh? What does he do, keep 'em in a little attache case?

Lou Grant: [on phone with Chet Wilke] In court? Right... I'll be the guy with your throat in my hands.

"Lou Grant: Murder (#2.5)" (1978)
Art Donovan: Seems a couple out in Paqoima trying to hold the construction of a freeway there.
Lou Grant: What's the problem?
Art Donovan: Well, it seems that the off ramp will go right through their living room.
Lou Grant: Oh... be convenient getting to work.
Art Donovan: This guy works at home.
Lou Grant: See if you can tear Martinson away from writing his novel long enough to cover it.
[cut to an older newsman sitting at his desk with resting his face on both hands]

Lou Grant: [on phone at the Tribune] Eh, you're in pretty rough territory, be careful.
Billie Newman: [on carphone] The Animal's here with me.
Lou Grant: Yeah, don't let anybody hurt him.

Billie Newman: It's not vanity...
Lou Grant: It never is.
Billie Newman: ...but I'd like to know how my story can be so unimportant as to end up on page 26 opposite the shipping news.
Art Donovan: Shipping news is important. It's not as important as it was in the old U-Boat days, sure, but it's still the first thing I turn to in the morning.

Art Donovan: Did you read Rossi's feature on Mrs. Walker?
Lou Grant: [glum] Yeah, I read it.
Art Donovan: I don't think he's ever been better.
Lou Grant: Me neither. I couldn't change a word.
Art Donovan: Why is it that guys that write as well as Rossi always have personalities like Rossi?
Lou Grant: Maybe... if the two of us went over it together... we could find something wrong with it.

"Lou Grant: Samaritan (#2.17)" (1979)
Lou Grant: What about Driscoll?
Art Donovan: Well, he's down in El Segundo. Policemen are on strike.
Lou Grant: He's covering it?
Art Donovan: No, he's robbing a bank.

Charlie Hume: Now anybody who tries to do something nice for somebody is going to be looked upon with suspicion.
Lou Grant: Yeah, pussycats like me are gonna be outta style.

Lou Grant: [Lou and Jack always seem to meet in the Paper's bathroom] What do you do? Keep your eye on this place until you see me go in?
Jack Towne: No, somebody calls me and lets me know.

"Lou Grant: Convention (#2.20)" (1979)
Clerk: And it seems that there's been a mistake on your bill.
Lou Grant: How can that be? I'm just now checking in.
Clerk: I don't know. But it says here that a waiter overcharged you five dollars on your bar bill this noon. We've given you a credit.
Lou Grant: I wasn't here this noon.
Clerk: Oh? Isn't this your signature?
Lou Grant: No. It's my name, but it's not my signature.
Clerk: Oh, how embarrassing.

Jack Riley: Now, now, Lou, let's try to be fair and just here.
Lou Grant: If we wanted to be fair and just here, Jack, the cops would've arrested you.
Jack Riley: Yeah, well, let's just remember who was right about that waiter, Lou, you heard it here first.
Lou Grant: Yeah, big deal, once in twenty years you're on the level.
Jack Riley: You know, you wound me when you talk that way.

Charlie Hume: How can I relax? Not only might there be a kidnapping tonight, but I haven't been able to line up a speaker. I mean, what, what's everybody gonna say when I get up there tonight and say "Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we haven't got a closing speaker".
Lou Grant: They'll probably give you a standing ovation.
Charlie Hume: Oh.
Lou Grant: Maybe even carry you out of the room on their shoulders.

"Lou Grant: Execution (#5.2)" (1981)
Lou Grant: What do you suppose she's up to?
Joe Rossi: Well, I think she wants publicity. Eh, I think she likes having a man visit her.
Lou Grant: Don't be so humble, Rossi, maybe you're just her type.

Joe Rossi: She's bright, you know. I mean even when she's mad she has this quirky sense of humor.
Lou Grant: Is this a girl who murdered four people or someone you want to take to the movies?
Joe Rossi: The warden wouldn't let her out.

Lou Grant: Donovan, would you handle this?
[hands him the phone]
Art Donovan: Hello Rossi.
Joe Rossi: [on other line, at payphone] How did you know it was me?
Art Donovan: I could tell by the frost on the phone when he handed it to me.
Joe Rossi: Yeah, that's his problem.

"Lou Grant: Stroke (#4.20)" (1981)
Mrs. Pynchon: [cheerful] Would anybody like some juice?
Charlie Hume: [off screen] Not me, thank you.
Lou Grant: It's a little early for juice.
[Mrs. Pynchon laughs]

Lou Grant: Donovan, take over the desk.
Art Donovan: You're chair is too high. And you never have enough pencils.
Lou Grant: Yeah. Well don't swivel it down like you did the last time so that my nose was resting on the desk. You use your own chair.
Joe Rossi: If Donovan's city editor, who's the assistant?
Lou Grant: You want it, you got it.
Joe Rossi: I didn't say I wanted it.
Art Donovan: [sitting down in Lou's chair] Don't let the power go to your head.

Mrs. Pynchon: [recovering from her stroke, Mrs. Pynchon speaks with difficulty] You... have... totally... mishandled the pension funds story.
Lou Grant: It's nice to hear you say that, Mrs. Pynchon.
Charlie Hume: Very nice.

"Lou Grant: Hero (#1.16)" (1978)
Joe Rossi: Well, they already dusted the gun, but they tell me you need a complete set of ten prints to make an identification.
Lou Grant: You gotta be kidding...
Charlie Hume: A complete set of ten prints? I wonder how many crooks take the time?

Lou Grant: [describing himself on the phone] Me? Well, I'm, I'm about, eh, 5'9, and eh... slightly balding. and eh, weight is, ah, in the range of, eh, chunky.

Lou Grant: [to Danvers] Sit down, have a drink. And please don't tell me any more about your life.

"Lou Grant: Victims (#5.23)" (1982)
Joe Rossi: [arguing] Boy, you guys think news is like wine, it's gotta be aged before you run it.
Lou Grant: Not aged, accurate!

Art Donovan: [impressed with Lou's hospital nurse, Leslie] When you press this button, she comes?
Lou Grant: [groggy ] Yeah, sooner or later.
Art Donovan: I gotta get one of these.

Mrs. Pynchon: [Visiting Lou at home, Mrs. Pynchon notices Lou has got a soap opera on] Well, Kristie's up to her old tricks again, I see.
Lou Grant: You watch this show?
Mrs. Pynchon: Well, not recently, but I got hooked on it when I was laid up.

"Lou Grant: Kids (#3.13)" (1979)
Lou Grant: [to Rossi] Carly Mitchell's a twelve year old kid. You were outmanoeuvred by someone who doesn't even have a learners permit.

Joe Rossi: You sure it was the kid?
Lou Grant: I saw him running down the street, it was him.
Joe Rossi: Heh. Broke a window.
Lou Grant: I didn't think he had that good an arm.

Mark Donner: My mom made me come over to fix the window.
Lou Grant: I already fixed it. I didn't think you were coming. It gets kinda cold here in L.A. in the winter, I didn't want the snow blowing in.
Mark Donner: You mean it's all fixed?
Lou Grant: There's nothing for you to do.
Mark Donner: Well, could break it again...

"Lou Grant: Guns (#3.23)" (1980)
Adam Wilson: You guys going to McKenna's later?
Lou Grant: I was gonna go home and wash my hair this evening, but I could be talked out of it...

Lou Grant: [Lou has let a federal agent into his home, who opens the backdoor to let in another] Am I in your way, or should I get out so you could make yourself some breakfast?

Lou Grant: [about Fitzgerald] He was introduced to me as an Irish journalist.
DeRopp: Well, the Irish part is true.

"Mary Tyler Moore: You've Got a Friend (#3.11)" (1972)
Lou Grant: [In an attempt at trying to have Mr. Grant be friends with her father, Mary goes out to lunch with both men] I'd like a vodka martini. What do you want to drink, Mary?
Mary Richards: Oh, gosh, I dunno. I got a lot of work to do this afternoon. If I have a drink, I won't be any good.
Lou Grant: If I don't have a drink, I won't be any good.

Mary Richards: [Mary decides on what to drink] Well, I'll have a Bloody Mary... but, without the vodka.
Lou Grant: [Lou turns to the waitress, Rayette] You know the vodka your leaving out of her drink?
Waitress: Yeah?
Lou Grant: Put it in mine.

Mary Richards: [Now that Mary and Mr. Grant have ordered drinks, Mary asks her father what he'd like] Daddy, what about you?
Walter Richards: I'll uh, I'll pass.
Mary Richards: You sure?
Waitress: Yeah, be sure, because I hate making 2 trips.
Walter Richards: Nothing, thank you.
Mary Richards: Daddy, you used to have a drink, every now and then.
Walter Richards: That was before all the evidence was in about what it does to you
[Mr. Grant, who's been quietly eating peanuts, perks up when he hears this, and glares at Mary's dad]
Walter Richards: You know, most people think alcohol is a relaxant. It's actually a depressant.
Lou Grant: [With a mouthful of peanuts] I enjoy getting a little depressed, now and then.
[Swallows his peanuts]
Lou Grant: As a matter of fact, once in a while, I like to get stinking gloomy.
[Lou starts laughing at his own comment]

"Lou Grant: Bomb (#2.22)" (1979)
Art Donovan: You'd need the resources of the US government to make an atomic bomb. Or the Russian government. Or at least the Indian government. In any case, a government.
Lou Grant: Yeah, I would. I got a D in high school chemistry. But what about those guys with glasses, always went around campus carrying briefcases with the slide rules dangling from their belt loops, I thought they were building bombs even then!
Art Donovan: Some of them probably grew up to be bomb makers and they work for the government.

Lou Grant: [about bomb building] One guy says you can do it, the other guy says you can get the stuff, maybe you should introduces these two to each other?

Joe Rossi: Croatia is South of Slovenia and North of Bosnia.
Lou Grant: What's that from, the Lord of the Rings?

"Lou Grant: Spies (#1.20)" (1978)
Lou Grant: It's always a pleasure to sit on a good story.

Lou Grant: I'm a very plain man, Mr. Sohner, if that's your name. I don't like subtlety, makes me nervous. You wanna talk to me, talk plain.

Lou Grant: I say: lets open our eyes and keep going!
Mrs. Pynchon: I do too.
Lou Grant: But why don't we...
Mrs. Pynchon: [interrupting] Mr. Grant, please. I've already made the decision. Why must you continue making arguments when people are agreeing with you?

"Lou Grant: Exposé (#3.2)" (1979)
Mike Norvette: I stand by my story.
Lou Grant: You can stand by it, you can pat it on it's head, you can clutch it to your bosom, we're not gonna print it like this, it's lousy journalism. Next time you want to pin somebodies hide to the barn, you'd better use facts for nails.
Mike Norvette: That's a lousy metaphor.

Charlie Hume: [about Mike Norvette] How good a reporter is he?
Lou Grant: Eh, It's hard to tell. He has a lotta potential but he isn't getting any better, and he should. Plus he slants, overwrites, argues and is an allaround pain in the neck.
Charlie Hume: How do you like him otherwise?
Lou Grant: Not as well.

Mrs. Pynchon: We're going to have to let some people go.
Lou Grant: [stands up] That stinks! Why are you singling out my department?
Mrs. Pynchon: I'm not!
Lou Grant: How come the other departments aren't affected?
Mrs. Pynchon: They are!
Lou Grant: Why doesn't everyone share it equally?
Mrs. Pynchon: They will!
Lou Grant: It still stinks.
[sits down again]
Mrs. Pynchon: I agree! I hate firing people.
Lou Grant: Then don't!
Mrs. Pynchon: I'm not. You're going to.

"Mary Tyler Moore: A Son for Murray (#5.12)" (1974)
Ted Baxter: Why not, Lou?
Lou Grant: I'm sorry, Ted. My anchorman is not going to be a judge at a Miss Nude Minnesota contest.

Mary Richards: Sometimes I think men have no idea what's involved in caring for a baby. The amount of time that's involved. The total commitment...
Lou Grant: Hey! Hey! Why are you telling me? I've got three kids! You don't have any!
Mary Richards: Well, you don't have to be a chicken to recognize an egg.
Lou Grant: Well, you do if you want to lay one.

Mary Richards: A woman doesn't have to have a baby if she doesn't want to.
Lou Grant: Well, I say a man's entitled to have a baby if he wants to.
Mary Richards: [Chuckles] Well, Mr. Grant, on behalf of women everywhere let me say we'd sure like to be there when he has it.
Ted Baxter: She got you there, Lou.

"Lou Grant: Marathon (#2.21)" (1979)
Lou Grant: I appreciate the way you and Billie look out for one another. She said the same thing about your story.
Joe Rossi: Oh yeah?
Lou Grant: Hm hm.
Joe Rossi: Well, in her case, its jealousy.

Lou Grant: [about Rossi] If it were physically possible, he'd hoist himself on his own shoulders and carry himself around the City Room.

Lou Grant: That was the Baden Baden Hof Brou? How do you spell Baden?
Dreyfus: Eh. B... A... D... E... N.
Lou Grant: And how do you spell the other Baden?

"Lou Grant: Andrew: Part 1 (#3.10)" (1979)
Lou Grant: I got a call this morning from a guy who figured out a way to run his car on apple brandy. He says the oil companies and the FBI are buying up all the apple brandy to put him out of business.
Art Donovan: Apple brandy? Isn't brandy more expensive than gasoline? And why apple brandy, why not pear brandy or plum wine or aquavite?
Lou Grant: All good questions. Next time he calls, I'll let you talk to him.

Charlie Hume: I wonder what happened to her between Armand and Sergei...
Lou Grant: Plenty, if she's going in alphabetical order.

Vern Eggly: The reason I asked you all here is: I think I know where the mystery memoirs are coming from and I think we have a suspect.
Lou Grant: Colonel Mustard.
Art Donovan: In the library.
Charlie Hume: With the candlestick.
Vern Eggly: Ok, ok, now, now, now what do we know? One: someone on the Trib is writing cheesy, sexy memoirs. Two: no editor has assigned anyone to write cheesy, sexy memoirs. Three: the retrieval code is close enough to our computer language, so that the cheesy, sexy memoirs have been showing up on Lou's terminal and later on Adam's.
Lou Grant: Vern, just tell us who's writing the cheesy, sexy memoirs.
Vern Eggly: Don't you wanna hear how I figured it out?
Charlie Hume: No.
Vern Eggly: You really want me to just, tell you?
Lou Grant: Yeah.
Vern Eggly: It's Joe Rossi.
Lou Grant: [stands up] Rossi?
Art Donovan: Ok, Vern, I wanna know how you know that.
Vern Eggly: I just walked by his terminal, he's doing it right now.

"Lou Grant: Scam (#2.15)" (1979)
Larry: Remember all that money you loaned me, Lou?
Lou Grant: I never loaned you any money.
Larry: When I first got outta college and the baby came faster than we planned.
Lou Grant: That wasn't a loan, that was a gift.
Larry: Do you know how much it eventually added up to, all together?
Lou Grant: I don't wanna know.
Larry: Through those early years, Lou, you loaned me 5246 dollars and 80 cents.
Lou Grant: You just bought me dinner, so that makes us even. That much?

Joe Rossi: Hey Lou, look at this. This baby can toast six pieces of bread at one time.
Lou Grant: Oh, great. I could toast bread for the whole week and freeze it.

Lou Grant: It's funny, isn't it? When you're young, there are so many things you want, things you gotta have or you'll die. I was always saving for something or wishing for something. I guess you outgrow it.

"Lou Grant: Sweep (#2.16)" (1979)
Lou Grant: Never trust anyone named after a jewelry store.

Lou Grant: How's your Spanish holding up?
Billie Newman: If it means a trip to Barcelona, teriffico.

Lou Grant: Well, eh, it's about Tiffany.
Mrs. Pynchon: Oh, you don't have to give me special reports. But as long as you're here, how is she doing?
Lou Grant: Well, she... makes great coffee. Best we've ever had in the newsroom.
Mrs. Pynchon: Oh, I'm delighted to hear that, if she ever inherits this newspaper I'm sure that will come in very handy. Is there anything else?
Lou Grant: Yes, there is. She's gone.
Mrs. Pynchon: I have a feeling you've left out something between the great coffee and her departure.

"Lou Grant: Kidnap (#3.9)" (1979)
Billie Newman: I was just leaving.
Lou Grant: That's right, you're going to Tedesca.

Billie Newman: Lou, can't I go home first?
Lou Grant: You don't have time!
Billie Newman: Well what am I gonna do for clothes?
Animal: If we're only gonna be gone two or three days, why do you need clothes?

Charlie Hume: Well...
Charlie Hume: ... you were right about the kidnap story, Lou. How much stroking do you want?
Lou Grant: Keep going, I'll tell you when to stop.
Charlie Hume: When accounting gets the travel vouchers, and six expense accounts, you may not be such a hero.
Lou Grant: You didn't have to stop that soon.

"Lou Grant: Hazard (#3.24)" (1980)
Lou Grant: What's up, Lou?
Billie Newman: You know any good places to eat in Lompoc?
Lou Grant: [laughs it off] Are you kidding? No.
Billie Newman: Then you'd better have dinner before you go up.

Art Donovan: [after an anecdote in a bar turns sour between Charlie and David Marcus] So, you going to the Ice Capades when they come to town, Lou?
Lou Grant: No! Why?
Art Donovan: To change the subject.
Lou Grant: Oh... I dunno...

Lou Grant: Better let me bum a ride from Charlie.
Art Donovan: My car is cleaner...
Lou Grant: Hm, but you I don't owe an apology to.

"Lou Grant: Henhouse (#1.4)" (1977)
Lou Grant: The airconditioning on the blink again?
Art Donovan: Yeah, for about an hour.
Lou Grant: Well, why doesn't somebody open a window?
Art Donovan: Because when they put the airconditioning in, they nailed the windows shut.

Lou Grant: I think this is not Rossi's best writing, I think that girl has something to do with it!
Charlie Hume: You think she's beguiling him with her charms?
Lou Grant: I know he's not beguiling her with his, he doesn't have any.

Lou Grant: Rossi wants to share his byline with that girl.
Art Donovan: I think that's the most intimate he's ever been with a woman.

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Critic (#7.14)" (1977)
Ted Baxter: [Ted's sitting next to Professor Karl Heller, who's about to do his first critique on the 6 O'Clock News] And now, the distinguished professor, Karl Heller. Karl; what are you going to criticise tonight?
Karl Heller: When I accepted the job as 'cultural watchdog,' to this metropolis, my immediate question was; 'what sort of people live here?' At first glance, this town might appear to be an enclave of be-knighted yahoos...
Ted Baxter: Well, I couldn't agree more...
[Ted smiles, vacuously, then gets serious-looking]
Ted Baxter: ... unless, of course that's bad.
Karl Heller: I wondered; are their cultural pretensions as vacant as their smiles? Is this really the heart, of what Mencken called the 'booboisie'?
Lou Grant: [Watching with Murray and Mary in the newsroom] He just called our entire audience 'boobs, and 'yahoos.'
Mary Richards: May-maybe that was just a teaser. May, maybe he was kidding
Karl Heller: It is said that a people get the culture they deserve. In the night's to come,we shall try to find out exactly why no first-rate art has ever been created in this vacant - but intellectually famished - arid - and sterile city.
Ted Baxter: [Ted, who's been staring at Karl, unfolds his arms and turns to the camera, and clears his throat] This is, uh... Ted Baxter
[nervously smiling]
Ted Baxter: saying 'good night,' from Phoenix, Arizona.

Lou Grant: [Angry that Mel's just told Professor Heller he's going to appear nightly, simply because controversy means increased ratings] Well, if 'controversy' is what you want, why don't we just have Mary, here, deliver the news topless?
Mel Price: [Looks at Mary, who's standing aside him, he thinks - for a long time - silently] Let's see how this works out, first.

Ted Baxter: Tonight, our critic-at-large turns his attention to the TV scene. Karl.
Murray Slaughter: [Mary and Murray in the newsroom, watching on Murray's TV] Well, I wonder who Jack-The-Ripper will attack tonight.
Karl Heller: I think it is only fair that we apply the same critical standards to television that we do to anything else.
Ted Baxter: Very sound thinking.
Karl Heller: [Without looking at Ted] Thank you.I think our first task out to be to putter own house in order.
Ted Baxter: Call them the way you see them, Karl. Let the' chiperinos' fall where they may.
Karl Heller: What you're watching at this very moment is a classic example of what's wrong with television in this town.
[Though Ted's smiling at Karl, he has no clue what Karl meant]
Karl Heller: It is the pursuit of personality at the expense of competence.
Ted Baxter: [All serious-faced] I'm not sure I understand.
Karl Heller: [Not even looking at Ted] I'm sure you don't.
[Ted nervously looks off-camera]
Karl Heller: Let's face I; WJM is the biggest offender in that regard. From the dowdy frumpy of The Happy Homemaker Show, to the bumbling, foot-in-the-mouth delivery of a certain anchorman
[Ted -utterly confused - slowly tuns his gaze off-camera to see if anyone knows what Karl's talking about]
Karl Heller: And backing them up, right down the line
[Murray shakes his head, as Mary looks on in disbelief]
Karl Heller: are dull writing, inept staging, and high school production methods.
[Murray looks mad, and Mary looks mad, as well]
Karl Heller: Well, there you are; the emperor has no clothes
[Ted looks too see if he's wearing clothes, then again, looks off-camera, confused]
Karl Heller: Tomorrow, we shall look at some other stations in town, and see if they fair any better. Meanwhile this is Karl Heller saying; let the viewer beware.
Mary Richards: [Murray turns the TV off] 'High school production methods?'
Murray Slaughter: 'Dull writing.' Buy, he didn't miss anybody, did he?
Lou Grant: [Lou's door opens, and he slams his door, and walks to Murray] Murray; be a good guy, and go buy me a gun.
[Lou pulls out a wad of cash, and hands it to Murray]

"Lou Grant: Physical (#1.22)" (1978)
Charlie Hume: [flabbergasted] You haven't had a physical since the army?
Lou Grant: 400 naked guys. I saw a lot of ugly things in the war, but nothing as ugly as that.

Lou Grant: It's the only way to learn to write; jump in and start doing it.
Chris: [nervous but excited] Ok, ok, all right.
Art Donovan: That's how my father taught me to swim. He just threw me right in.
Lou Grant: Hm.
Art Donovan: [upbeat] I drowned.

Charlie Hume: I wouldn't worry about it.
Lou Grant: You wouldn't, huh?
Charlie Hume: Nah! The human body is prone to knots and bumbs. I mean, we, we, we, we get more and more like trees as we get older.
Lou Grant: God... what if it's Dutch Elm disease?

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Dinner Party (#4.10)" (1973)
Lou Grant: It's not that I don't have a good time at your parties, Mary. I've had some of the worst times in my life. Agony.

Lou Grant: Oh, it's just so depressing thinking about going to another one of your...

Lou Grant: Ted, why are you always doing stuff like showing up in places where you weren't invited with a pint of sherbet?
Murray Slaughter: Be fair Lou, the sherbet's a new touch.

"Lou Grant: Fire (#2.13)" (1979)
Frank Durning: It's a great game for working out the frustrations of the job, isn't it?
Lou Grant: [out of breath] Frank... I go on my job to work out the frustrations of trying to learn this game.

Lou Grant: Are you a doctor?
Frank Durning: No, fireman.
Lou Grant: Do you make house calls?
Frank Durning: Only if they're burning.

Joe Rossi: I've got a little clue...
[looks at Billie and Lou meaningfully]
Lou Grant: Why don't you write it on a piece of paper and fold it up so we can all have fun guessing what it is?

"Lou Grant: Sports (#1.15)" (1978)
Lou Grant: When Charlie gets through working you over, you never know whether you've been assaulted or massaged.
Art Donovan: I hate to get chewed out by Charlie. 'Cause he's kind and calm. You almost hate yourself for putting him through it.

Lou Grant: They're still being rough on you in Toy Town?
Mike Kessler: By the time the '84 Olympics get here, they may let me cover Field Hockey.
[a beat]
Mike Kessler: Women's Field Hockey.

Sid Locke: You know, you should be working for a newspaper in the land of Oz!
Lou Grant: While you try to cover up for Munchkins who shave points.

"Lou Grant: Beachhead (#5.22)" (1982)
Lou Grant: [on phone] Yeah, I know. You're looking for a job. How would you like mine?

Art Donovan: [Lou is wearing a suit and tie and putting on his jacket] Where are you going?
Lou Grant: To the beach.
Art Donovan: Don't forget your shovel and pail.

Art Donovan: [after putting down phone] Cops are saying it was that blankety blank newspaper story that did it.
Lou Grant: Do I get to fill in the blanks?

"Lou Grant: Scandal (#1.19)" (1978)
Lou Grant: [Rossi is packing his stuff] Rossi, you're not leaving...
Joe Rossi: I'm leaving.
Lou Grant: You love it here!
Joe Rossi: I'm miserable here.
Lou Grant: You wouldn't love it if you weren't miserable.

Joe Rossi: She told him. She tipped him off about what was gonna come out. She is helping him beat us to the punch.
Lou Grant: Why do you think something like that?
Joe Rossi: Because how else would he find out?
Lou Grant: He would find out from somebody he knew in the D.A.'s Office, in the County Department of Health, in the Mayor's Office, in the Attorney General's Office, I'm running out of fingers, Rossi!

Lou Grant: I need to know what's going on between you and Archer Corwin.
Liz Harrison: He's... running of a re-election, and I'm covering the campaign.
Lou Grant: And beyond that?
Liz Harrison: What do you mean, beyond that?
Lou Grant: What do you think I mean, that you both belong to the book of the month club?

"Lou Grant: Home (#2.19)" (1979)
The Animal: He's really a lively old guy, for his age.
Lou Grant: How old is he?
The Animal: I don't know, but he must be pretty old, he was in the battle of the Bulge in World War One.
Lou Grant: The Battle of the Bulge was in World War Two.
The Animal: You sure?
Lou Grant: I was there.
The Animal: Oh. Well, you're kind of a lively old guy too, Lou.

Lou Grant: He didn't ask for any references at all?
Billie Newman: I was breathing, I think that was reference enough.

Lou Grant: I'm not talking about charity, I'm talking about a real job.
Fred Horton: At a newspaper? For a guy who spent forty years making hats? Come on.
Fred Horton: Maybe you could make paper hats?

"Lou Grant: Reckless (#5.3)" (1981)
Joe Rossi: [a suspicious Rossi walks up to Lou] Who are those guys in Charlie's office? They look like cops.
Lou Grant: They are cops.
Joe Rossi: Are they looking for me?
Lou Grant: What have you done?
Joe Rossi: Nothing.
[walks away]

Lou Grant: The way I see it, you've got to be Dick Tracy or Clark Kent. But you can't be both.

Charlie Hume: Look, if I rented a car downtown, I'd have to turn it in there, I'd have to take a bus home, I'd have to get Marion to drive me over to the garage, she's hardly ever home before they call. You see?
Lou Grant: Yeah, sure.
Charlie Hume: So, I really had no choice, Lou.
Lou Grant: You had lots of choices, Charlie. They're big and yellow and they're called cabs!

"Lou Grant: Christmas (#1.13)" (1977)
Mrs. Pynchon: [referring to Rossi] Now just what do you intend to do to discipline that young man?
Lou Grant: [calm] Leave it to me. When you're dealing with a man of his talents, you have to be careful. He's very high strung, very temperamental. but he can be handled. It's a matter of understanding human psychology. I know how his mind works and therefore I know the right, psychological level on which to approach him.
[cut to Lou and Rossi in Lou's office]
Lou Grant: [shouting] I'm gonna kill you, Rossi!
Joe Rossi: Lets not make irresponsible threats.
Lou Grant: It's not irresponsible, it's carefully thought out: I'm going to kill you.
Joe Rossi: Look, Lou...
Lou Grant: Now, not physically you understand, as much as I'd enjoy it, no I'm going to kill you intelectually, I'm gonna break your spirit.

Lou Grant: I like buying toys.
Billie Newman: That's lucky for your granddaughter.
Lou Grant: Yeah, it works out nicely. She likes breaking toys.

Mrs. Pynchon: Well, it's Christmas Eve again... do you ever get the feeling, that whoever is in charge of the time machine, is turning that handle just a tiny bit faster every year.
Charlie Hume: Seems like yesterday was summer.
Lou Grant: It was. It was 85 degrees.

"Mary Tyler Moore: A Reliable Source (#6.22)" (1976)
[Ted, still upset about Sue Ann's salary, confronts Lou]
Ted Baxter: Did you read the article? It says Sue Ann makes more money than I do.
Lou Grant: So what?
Ted Baxter: You lied, Lou! You went around telling everybody that I was the highest paid person here!
Lou Grant: No, Ted, no, you got it wrong. I said you're the most *overpaid* person here!

Sue Ann Nivens: Lou, you were so cute when you called me last night!
Lou Grant: Oh... I called you by accident. I didn't know it was your number written on the wall.
Sue Ann Nivens: And they say it doesn't pay to advertise?

[Mary confronts Lou in his office about the congressman's story]
Mary Richards: Listen, Mr. Grant, after you left last night, I did a great deal of soul-searching, as I'm sure you did too.
Lou Grant: "Soul-searching"? Mary, any man who calls Sue Ann Nivens at four o'clock in the morning isn't searching for soul!

"Lou Grant: Singles (#2.9)" (1978)
Lou Grant: I've been waiting six months for a desk calendar.
Nick: You don't still want it, do ya? So much time has passed now, I figured you might as well wait till next year's comes out.

Lou Grant: Look, I have it on good authority, that we haven't been pursuing 18 to 39 year old women enough.
Art Donovan: Lord knows, I'm doing my best.

Billie Newman: [about a new idea for a news story] Of course, it's not 'zippy' or 'zingy'...
Lou Grant: It's not sexy, it's not about women 18 to 39, it's not fun... I love it.

"Lou Grant: Romance (#2.24)" (1979)
Lou Grant: How's your research on teenage pregnancy going?
Billie Newman: Oh, fine...
[picks up her notes]
Billie Newman: 45.000 teenagers got pregnant in California last year. 94 per cent of teenage girls who get pregnant end up trying to raise the babies themselves, babies of young teens are two to three times more likely to die in their first year, and...
Lou Grant: One hundred per cent of editors in this City Room are getting very depressed...

Lou Grant: Listen, when the time comes that we need lawyers to work out our arguments, that's when I'm hanging 'em up.

"Lou Grant: Nazi (#1.5)" (1977)
Lou Grant: You're taking stupid chances meeting him alone.
Billie Newman: You wouldn't say that to Rossi.
Lou Grant: I encourage Rossi to take stupid chances. But anybody else I would warn, man or woman.

Lou Grant: Look, look, the story isn't that we found a nazi who's Jewish, that's for 'Believe it or Not'. We try to dig a little deeper in our part of the paper. The thing I wanna know is: what turned this Bar Mitzva boy into a nazi with a swastika on his arm?

"Lou Grant: Renewal (#1.17)" (1978)
Lou Grant: [a young kid is reading Playboy magazine at a newstand with a friend looking over his shoulder] Hey you! You old enough to be looking at that?
Kid: Yeah...
Lou Grant: Put it back.
Kid: I'm eighteen!
Lou Grant: [grabs the magazine] You gotta be 42 to look at that.
[thumbs through the magazine as the kids leave]
Lou Grant: Make that 52...

Lou Grant: [Earl is threatening to put a knife in a Botticelli painting] Look at her, Earl, she's beautiful. You couldn't hurt her. Th-think of the man who painted her. That's his feelings up there.
Earl Humphrey: That man's long gone dead.
Lou Grant: But, the picture's still alive, though. Huh? The, the man is dust, but the picture is as alive today as the day he painted it.

"Lou Grant: Hometown (#5.4)" (1981)
Lou Grant: When did this place stop making milkbottles?
Paul Policzinski: Heh, 'bout three years after the people stopped using 'em.

Lou Grant: [Lou is auctioning off all of his aunt's stuff] Eh, would you like the car, Margie, and the clocks?
Margie McIntyre: Oh, Lou, of course I would!
Lou Grant: Then I'd like you to have them. I hope you outbid everyone.

"Lou Grant: Venice (#4.15)" (1981)
Billie Newman: Who's the most appealing girl in the City Room?
Lou Grant: [without looking up] You are.
Billie Newman: [smiles] No, that's not why I asked... Who is it that... all of the single men and two thirds of the married men lust after?
Lou Grant: Lust? Heidi.
Billie Newman: What if I told you that she asked somebody out and he refused?
Lou Grant: I wouldn't believe it.
[looks up]
Lou Grant: Who?
Billie Newman: Animal.
Lou Grant: [thinks for a moment] Maybe he's joined some new order of celibate photographers.

Lou Grant: You find out why that girl killed herself?
Animal: She... hooked onto somebody she couldn't have. It was crazy.
Lou Grant: Yeah. Like some guy falling in love with a dead girl.

"Lou Grant: Search (#4.12)" (1981)
Lou Grant: Not now, Corinne, there's a deadline snapping at me like a wild alligator.
Corinne: Slightly overwrought, darling, but I like the metaphor.

Lou Grant: [to Corinne] Why don't you stay on your own side of the paper, you restaurant wrecker?

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Good-Time News (#3.1)" (1972)
Ted Baxter: Why are you giving a fifty dollar a week raise to someone who told me to shut up on the air?
Lou Grant: It's all I could afford, Ted.

Gordy Howard: [Mar's 'happy talk' revamping of the 6 O'Clock News is a disaster, as Ted s trying to be funny, and show he has 'personality'] And now, speaking for the management of WJM-TV, Mary Richards. And I'm sure after you see her, you'll understand why I say; 'Mary, I don't know what it is your for, or against, but, whatever it is, I'm with you.
Mary Richards: [Smiling] Thank you, Gordy. We'd like to speak out tonight for population control . Between the years 1932 and 1978, the population of the world will have doubled.
Ted Baxter: [Interrupting Mary] that should do something for our ratings, hey, Mary?
Mary Richards: [Nervously smiling] population experts agree that if growth continues at this rate, world population will reach 7 billion by the year 2000.
Ted Baxter: [Interrupting Mary, again] Hey, I think I'll go into the diaper business.
Mary Richards: [Beginning to stutter] Which points to a disaster of global importance.
Ted Baxter: Oh come on, Mare, don't be such a gloomy Gus.
Mary Richards: The management of WJM feels that television can play a critical role in the control the population growth...
Ted Baxter: [Interrupting Mary] We sure can. As long as they're watching the old tube, they can't make the population grow, can they?
Mary Richards: Television has a responsibility...
Ted Baxter: Get it, Mare?
Mary Richards: [Turning to Ted, off camera] Will you shut up, Ted?
[Ted - off-camera - looks at Mary with disbelief. Mary, turns to face the camera. We see her on a monitor - shocked at what she just said. Her mouth open, and eyes wide, she just stares straight ahead]
Lou Grant: [Lou, who's been drinking while watching the broadcast with Murray] Murray, did I just hear right? Did I hear Mary tell Ted to shit-up on the air?
Murray Slaughter: [Drunk] Yeah.
Lou Grant: [Smiles] Good.

"Lou Grant: Libel (#4.6)" (1980)
Lou Grant: How long have you been on the health beat?
Jerry Hollister: [coughs out a mouthful of smoke] Six years now, I think it is.
Lou Grant: Eh... doesn't all that stuff you, eh, you learn about worry you? You, eh, you smoke, you eat junk... you don't exersise.
Jerry Hollister: Well, I think somebody has to set a bad example, Lou.

Art Donovan: [after hanging up his phone] Well, somebody liked our story on the Spectator.
Lou Grant: You, eh, plan to take them all to lunch or just the ones that sound cute?
Art Donovan: That was Kelly Morrow, the TV star. You know the one that's on that show about the big family in Oklahoma City that owns all the oil wells? Where everybody is trying to stab everybody else in the back? She's the sexy one.
Lou Grant: Everyone's the sexy one.

"Lou Grant: Hostages (#1.2)" (1977)
Lou Grant: [tossing a magazine to Donovan] Hey, I saw this in the Sunday magazines section. You think my place could look like that?
Art Donovan: [smiles] No.
[hands it to Carla]
Lou Grant: What do you think?
Carla Mardigian: Well, you don't have the beams like this, or the bay windows here, or the brick fireplace, or the view of the ocean.
Lou Grant: I've got an ashtray like that...

Sgt. Pierce: My men can start their assault as a diversion.
Lou Grant: [speaking out of the side of his mouth to be inconspicuous] Forget words like 'assault'. I got friends in there.
Sgt. Pierce: [referring to Andrew Martin] He started this.
Lou Grant: This isn't a school yard fight!

"Lou Grant: Mob (#2.4)" (1978)
Joe Rossi: What about dinner?
Lou Grant: Room service is sending over a hamburger.
Joe Rossi: A hamburger? Four Gourmet restaurants here, the paper's picking up the tab, and you hide away waiting for a hamburger?
Lou Grant: With French fries. It's their deluxe burger.

Charlene: [referring to Rossi on the dancefloor] Your friends seems to be loosening up fine...
Lou Grant: He's got young bones.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Hi There, Sports Fans (#4.5)" (1973)
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, please no. I've never fired anybody in my life.
Lou Grant: Mary.
Mary Richards: I had a cleaning lady once I couldn't fire. So I moved.

Lou Grant: [Mary's crying after having spent so much time, trying to pick what she felt would be the best new newscaster for WJM, and all he said were 3 sports scores, so Mr. Grant takes her into his office to talk, and she sits in a chair, with Mr. Grant kneeling aside] I wanna see you smile. So, Mary; let me tell you about life. We're born, we live, and we die. And you wanna know what it all means?
[Mary nods]
Lou Grant: nothing.
Mary Richards: [Stifling her tears] Nothing?
Lou Grant: [Looking up at Mary] Nothing.
[Lou thinks for a moment]
Lou Grant: Loo at Winston Churchill
[Lo moves towards his desk]
Lou Grant: , a great man, right? Maybe the greatest man of the century.
[Lou sits at his desk]
Lou Grant: Let me ask you this; when was the last time you heard anybody mention Winston Churchill?
Mary Richards: [a glum-looking Mary thinks for a moment] I dunno...
Lou Grant: The greatest man of the century and you don't know. Alright. Remember well everyone thought the sportscaster had died?
[Mary shakes her head, 'yes']
Lou Grant: look at this postcard. Read what it says
[hands a post card to Mary]
Mary Richards: 'Sorry to hear about Ed having a wonderful time just regards, Charlie Kellerman.'
Lou Grant: [Nodding] That's what a man's life comes down to, Mary; 'sorry to hear about Ed,' on the back of a picture postcard of Disneyland.
[Mary chokes tears]
Lou Grant: Mary, Mary. Mary. Cheer up.Cheer up!
[Lou moves from his seat to the front of his desk, to console Mary]
Lou Grant: Because, In an infinite universe, on a planet the size of a pin, we are mere specks of dust, just waiting to be blown away. You see what I'm trying to tell you?
Mary Richards: [Choking her words] I see.
Lou Grant: Good.
Mary Richards: [Mary gets up, and straightens her outfit, as she heads towards the door] Thank you, very much, Mr. Grant.
Lou Grant: You're welcome.
Mary Richards: [Mary's at the door, her hand on the knob] I feel...
[bursting into tears]
Mary Richards: so much better.

"Lou Grant: Law (#5.18)" (1982)
Chuck: [on phone] Mr. Grant, are you planning to hold on to this house very long?
Lou Grant: [on other line at City Desk] That sounds like an expensive question, Chuck...

Charlie Hume: Don't we have just one story that doesn't have to come from a judge or a D.A.? What have we got Rossi on?
Lou Grant: Some human interest piece. A poor kid with a rare disease who got his wish and went to Disneyland.
Charlie Hume: Is there a lawyer in it?
Lou Grant: No.
Charlie Hume: Sounds like page one to me.

"Mary Tyler Moore: I Love a Piano (#5.6)" (1974)
[Mary and Lou are hustling around the newsroom, upset that Murray has been out to lunch all afternoon]
Mary Richards: Oh, well, I just don't believe it - 4:30 and Murray is still not back from lunch?
Lou Grant: Doesn't he know that we have a show to get on the air?
Ted Baxter: You know, it's fascinating. Here in Minneapolis/St. Paul, it's 4:30 and we're hard at work. In New York, it's the cocktail hour, and the lights are beginning to twinkle on the Great White Way. And, in London, smartly dressed theater-goers are strolling down the Strand for a late supper at the Savoy. And in Tokyo, it's tomorrow. Actually tomorrow! Do you realize there are people alive here in Minneapolis who are already dead in Tokyo?

[Murray has returned to the newsroom, drunk]
Lou Grant: What have you been drinking?
Murray Slaughter: Pouilly-Fuissé.
Lou Grant: [nods] Too bad.
Mary Richards: What do you... mean? What? Why?
Lou Grant: I've been a newsman for thirty years. I've sobered up guys who were drunk on everything from scotch to aftershave lotion. But never once in my life have I had to sober up anyone who was drunk on Pouilly-Fuissé. I don't know what to do! I don't know whether to give him black coffee or cheese!

"Mary Tyler Moore: Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters' School (#5.23)" (1975)
Ted Baxter: I think I see a hand out there...
The Student: What's the passing grade?
Lou Grant: [arms tensely crossed, scowling, does a slow, silent burn] We'll probably go by a class average
The Student: Is that plotted on a normal bell curve?
Lou Grant: Plotted on anything you like.

Ted Baxter: [Opening the door to Lou's office] Come on in, Lou. Great news!
Lou Grant: [Walking out of his office] What is it now, Ted?
Ted Baxter: Oh, Lou. How come every time I come to you to say something, you say, "What is it now, Ted?" like I'm going to say something dumb?
Lou Grant: How come every time I see a duck, I expect it to quack?
Ted Baxter: No, no, no. You answer my question first!

"Lou Grant: Prisoner (#2.2)" (1978)
Charlie Hume: [voice over] Who else do we have down there?
Lou Grant: Billie and Margaret.
Charlie Hume: We have a reporter named Margaret?
Lou Grant: No, a publisher.
Charlie Hume: Oh, yeah...

Billie Newman: What do these things have in common? Star Wars, Charlie Brown, the Beatles, All in the Family, the Washington Post and the L.A. Trib?
Lou Grant: They all make a lot of money, except the Trib.
Billie Newman: They're all banned in Malaqua, among other things.
Lou Grant: [takes the list] It's kind of an honor. This is the classiest list since the White House enemies.

"Lou Grant: Gambling (#3.7)" (1979)
Lou Grant: The word is: he kisses the track's tomato.

Rose: [about to count Lou's groceries] Is this all?
Lou Grant: I'm sorry, I didn't need any more.

"Lou Grant: Slaughter (#2.8)" (1978)
Earl Girton: We don't even know what levels of DBP in people's blood are unsafe.
Lou Grant: Of course we don't. Because there's not supposed to be any DBP in people's blood. That's antifreeze, not protein.

Chip Murphy: How are you enjoying your vacation?
Lou Grant: Very relaxing. I think nest time I'll tell people I'm going out of town, I'll just stay in my house instead.

"Lou Grant: Barrio (#1.7)" (1977)
Lou Grant: [to street kid] If you open up your mouth to me once more, I'll put you in my taco!

Lou Grant: Listen, eh... I got kind of a date tonight, eh... where's a nice place I could take someone for dinner?
Art Donovan: You want, eh, seductive or funky?
Lou Grant: I want steak!

"Mary Tyler Moore: Neighbors (#5.13)" (1974)
Lou Grant: Now I need a plumber for my house.
Mary Richards: What's wrong?
Lou Grant: My grandson made a wonderful discovery over the weekend. You cannot flush a banana.

[Ted is pestering Lou about losing his cue card boy]
Lou Grant: What do you want, Ted?
Ted Baxter: It's about my cue card boy, Lou!
Lou Grant: Oh, yeah, that's right. Mary, hire somebody to do idiot cards for Ted.
Ted Baxter: Don't call them "idiot cards." I resent that. They're called "cue cards."
Lou Grant: Uh-huh. I'm - I'm sorry, Ted. Mary, hire somebody to do cue cards for the idiot.

"Lou Grant: Dogs (#3.21)" (1980)
Charlie Hume: Did you interview the shrink or the patient?
Billie Newman: Both.
Lou Grant: That's not clear. Who's suing who?
Billie Newman: Everyone. She's suing the doctor for malpractice for seducing her and he's got a counter suit claiming that she didn't follow his instructions.
Charlie Hume: What kind of suit is dat?
Lou Grant: Malpatient?

Charlie Hume: Hey Lou, how's the little dog?
Lou Grant: Great. Real cute. You want him?
Charlie Hume: No...

"Lou Grant: Catch (#4.8)" (1981)
Billie Newman: [having identified a bunch of names as baseball players] Well, they all have their signatures on a baseball at K.D.F. properties offices. And I have a hunch that they all have something to do with Horsehide Enterprises.
Lou Grant: They certainly do. Horsehide is a slang expression for baseball.
Billie Newman: Yeah?
Art Donovan: That's what baseballs are made out of.
Billie Newman: [sadly] Horses?
Art Donovan: No, probably old, unhappy horses.

Lou Grant: Was the safe unlocked at any time when they were here?
Vern Eggly: No.
Lou Grant: You're sure?
Vern Eggly: The safe was always locked.
Lou Grant: [relieved] Oh, that's good.
Vern Eggly: But there's nothing in it.
Lou Grant: There isn't? Where's your codebook?
Vern Eggly: It's right here.
[picks up a large book lying on top of a computer terminal]
Lou Grant: You're supposed to keep that in a safe!
Vern Eggly: It won't fit in the safe.

"Lou Grant: Friends (#5.8)" (1981)
Lou Grant: Can't we go back to our normal way of working together?
Art Donovan: Lou, our normal way of working together is to argue all the time.
Lou Grant: Yeah! Let's go back to that.

Lou Grant: [sarcastic] Boy, you're chipper this morning.
Art Donovan: Well, how chipper would you be if you just found out that your house is slipping down the hill side.
Lou Grant: Depends on how I like the view from the bottom.

"Lou Grant: Business (#4.17)" (1981)
Joe Rossi: [Calectronics has taken out an ad in the Tribune to counter an article by Rossi] Oh, you saw the add. Ain't it great?
Lou Grant: You think that's great?
Joe Rossi: Yeah, they mentioned my name.

Lou Grant: Relax... I think that bending over backwards now and then is pretty good exercise for a newspaper.

"Lou Grant: Depression (#4.19)" (1981)
Lou Grant: [sits down on side of George's bed in hospital room] Good evening, George.
George Driscoll: Where's Elizabeth?
Lou Grant: She went for coffee.
George Driscoll: Well you go with her. You get out of here!
Lou Grant: You wanna shout at me? Go ahead.
George Driscoll: I said get out!
Lou Grant: I mean it: scream, holler, throw a bedpan. Do anything you want, I'm not leaving. I'm one of those insensitive slobs who just doesn't care.

Lou Grant: [Charlie has been acting very grumpy] Everything ok with you, Charlie?
Charlie Hume: It is.
Lou Grant: You wanna talk about it?
Charlie Hume: What are you, the camp councilor? Go back to your tent.

"Lou Grant: Hunger (#5.14)" (1982)
Lou Grant: [Rossi drops by Lou unexpectedly] What's going on, why didn't you call first? I could've been here with the De Castro sisters...

Mrs. Pynchon: [concerned about the use of lightbulbs in the office at night] Sometimes I'm downtown after midnight, this place is lit up like Dodger Stadium.
Charlie Hume: I'll speak to maintenance.
Lou Grant: What are you doing downtown after midnight?
Mrs. Pynchon: Feeding pigeons.

"Lou Grant: Wedding (#5.1)" (1981)
Lou Grant: What does smog do to you?
Billie Newman: It makes my eyes water.
Lou Grant: As a story?
Billie Newman: It makes my mouth water.
Lou Grant: Boy, you're perky this evening. Perky doesn't work on you.

Lou Grant: [Lou and his daugher Janie meet for the first time in years] You're an editor and you write stories?
Janie: Hm-hm.
Lou Grant: I'm proud of you.
Janie: No...
Lou Grant: No? No isn't an anwer to that.

"Lou Grant: Hit (#2.18)" (1979)
Lou Grant: I reach for my laundry and this guy grabs a tire iron!
Art Donovan: I don't blame him, Lou, I wouldn't want to get hit with your dirty laundry.

Joe Rossi: Can I use your office to scream in?
Lou Grant: Not with me in it.

"Lou Grant: Drifters (#5.7)" (1981)
Charlie Hume: [staff is meeting about the escaped bear story] Page one, if we have art.
Lou Grant: All we have is a police composite, which believe it or not makes him look like a psychopath.

Lou Grant: [annoyed by Charlie leaving a meeting to help his nephew] I can catch Charlie and let him know that that he can't keep pulling this running out of meetings stuff.
Adam Wilson: You're gonna run out of a meeting to tell him that?

"Mary Tyler Moore: Bess, You Is My Daughter Now (#1.3)" (1970)
Lou Grant: Who's the kid?
Mary Richards: Oh. Well, that's kind of a long story.
Lou Grant: How can it be a long story? I say 'Who's the kid', you say 'Sally Jones'. Who's the kid?
Mary Richards: Bess.
Lou Grant: That wasn't too long.

Lou Grant: I'd like to cuss right now because that kid's out there. But I can't cuss because that kid's out there. Do I make myself clear?
Mary Richards: I think so. You'd like to cuss, is that it?

"Lou Grant: Psych-Out (#1.10)" (1977)
Lou Grant: [to Rossi] You didn't make the reader taste dirt in his morning orange juice.
Charlie Hume: I did... of course, our dishwasher's broken...

Lou Grant: [having been invited for dinner by Billie] What are you having?
Billie Newman: Why?
Lou Grant: Because if you're having liver, I don't like it, so I'll have to eat it or put it in my pocket. I don't wanna do that.

"Lou Grant: Goop (#4.5)" (1980)
Lou Grant: Anything happen while I was at lunch?
Art Donovan: Billie called. She couldn't really talk, but she gave me the name of a restaurant half way between here and Altamira where you can meet tonight
[hands Lou a note]
Lou Grant: Oh yeah?
[reading the note]
Lou Grant: John Wong Garcia's Kitchen. Fish. A place named John Wong Garcia's in the middle of the desert serves fish?
Art Donovan: No, they serve Chinese-Mexican food. I have to go by Billie's apartment tonight to feed her fish.

Billie Newman: [a bit self-concious] The eh... lead is kind of silly...
[small chuckle]
Billie Newman: But then, the story is also kind of...
Lou Grant: I like the lead.
Billie Newman: [surprised and relieved] Good!
Lou Grant: It's catchy. Bubbles suddenly appearing in people's backyards.
Billie Newman: There's only the one bubble.
Lou Grant: How do we know? What are bubbles like?
Art Donovan: Do they talk to each other?

"Mary Tyler Moore: Baby Sit-Com (#2.18)" (1972)
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, I just can't thank you enough.
Lou Grant: You may have a point there.

"Lou Grant: Generations (#4.11)" (1981)
Lou Grant: You're sure looking spry.
Rupert Hume: Spry?
Lou Grant: Yeah.
Rupert Hume: That's a word you use for old men. Never hear them call a young person 'spry'.
Lou Grant: How 'bout 'frisky'?
Rupert Hume: Don't feel that good.

"Lou Grant: Slammer (#3.3)" (1979)
Lou Grant: [reading aloud from a list of inmates he's teaching a class to] Leroy Michael Vallow. Murder, life sentence.
Billie Newman: Don't you find disipline in the class room a problem, Lou?
Lou Grant: Oh, these guys are so happy to have a diversion, they'd sit there quietly for a half hour if I came in and did a tapdance.
Art Donovan: I'd sit quietly for an hour to watch you tapdance.

"Lou Grant: Blacklist (#5.17)" (1982)
Bryan Dunne: Then we keep the guy but duck the problem pieces?
Lou Grant: Can I give you a full answer to that proposal so you'll understand it?
Bryan Dunne: Yeah.
Lou Grant: No.

"Lou Grant: Review (#5.12)" (1982)
Joe Rossi: [really ticked off] I just came from an interview with some bozo from the news council. I have never seen worse journalistic instincts. I wound up feeding him questions to ask me!
Lou Grant: Oh, good. I hope you helped him really nail us.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Farmer Ted and the News (#3.9)" (1972)
Mary Richards: [Ted Baxter's been doing his commercials, and Mr... Grant's depressed about the whole situation. Mary goes in to Mr... Grant's office, and tries to talk to him] Mr. Grant, what is it?
Lou Grant: [Mr. Grant's standing there - dejected, looking defeated] Hmmm?
Mary Richards: What's wrong?
Lou Grant: Oh.
Lou Grant: I think Baxter's finally got me. I've gone over his contract, a dozen times. There's nothing I can do to stop him. First it was that tomato slicer. Then it was that commercial for that woman's product. I didn't even know what it was. I had to ask my wife what they used it for. She wasn't sure.
Lou Grant: Mary, he's got me.
Mary Richards: [Trying to cheer Mr. Grant up] Mr. Grant, how about if I fix you a nice drink?
[Lou just nods his head, silently, 'no', and looks forlorn]
Mary Richards: You haven't had a nice drink in days.
[Lou lumbers towards his desk's chair]
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, I'm worried about you.
[Mary and Mr... Grant both sit down]
Lou Grant: [Mr. Grant sighs] Somehow... booze just doesn't taste good to me, anymore. You know, sometimes, I think I'm losing contact with reality. Like, last night... I was watching a movie on TV, you know - to try... and... forget. And this dog food commercial came on. And I could've sworn, I heard a dog bark, that sounded just like Ted.
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, isn't there anything I can do?
[Lou mouths 'no]
Mary Richards: The news is on.
[Spoken like talking to a sad child]
Mary Richards: You wanna watch the news?
Lou Grant: I suppose so.
Mary Richards: I turned it on very softly.
[MAry walks towards the door, but, as she grabs the door knob, she turns, and becomes full of 'vim']
Mary Richards: Mr... Grant, doesn't it just make you mad? I mean - wouldn't you like to really chew Ted out?
[She makes a fist, as Lou just sits - lethargic, and silent. Lou says nothing, so Mary leaves the office]

"Lou Grant: Immigrants (#5.13)" (1982)
Charlie Hume: [browsing pictures from potential new photographers] War, you know. Hard to take a bad picture of a war.
Lou Grant: Yeah, it's photogenic.

"Mary Tyler Moore: One Boyfriend Too Many (#6.14)" (1975)
Ted Baxter: Hey! Joe! Congratulate me! I'm smashed.
Joe Warner: Why should I congratulate you?
Ted Baxter: It's the first time.
Lou Grant: Yeah. In drinker's terms, tonight he lost his olive.

"Mary Tyler Moore: What Do You Want to Do When You Produce? (#6.15)" (1975)
[Mary and Lou are discussing the evening's lineup]
Mary Richards: And we managed to get an on-the-spot report of the raid of that porno theater downtown, which we can use in the news tonight.
Lou Grant: Terrific! How did you do that?
Mary Richards: Luck. Some of our crew just happened to be in the theater at the time.

"Lou Grant: Hooker (#2.3)" (1978)
Billie Newman: Cereal, in the middle of the night?
Lou Grant: Sometimes I eat breakfast before I go to bed, saves having to do it in the morning.

"Lou Grant: Cover-Up (#3.16)" (1980)
Mrs. Pynchon: I'm submitting my resignation to the board.
Lou Grant: Do yourself a favor and don't mail it.
Mrs. Pynchon: I don't aprove of what they did.
Lou Grant: But if you're not there, who's going to fight them?

"Lou Grant: Frame-Up (#3.5)" (1979)
Billie Newman: I need more time, Lou.
Lou Grant: Take all the time you want. Take four, five minutes.
Billie Newman: Can I have fifteen?
Lou Grant: No problem, we'll just run a headline saying: 'watch this space'.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Sue Ann Falls in Love (#6.23)" (1976)
Lou Grant: [Georgette opens the door for Lou; as he enters Mary's apartment, he notices Georgette's tuxedo] Hi, Georg... ette...
Georgette Baxter: Hi, Lou. It's a rental.
Lou Grant: Oh. What's Ted charging you?

"Mary Tyler Moore: What's Wrong with Swimming? (#7.4)" (1976)
[Lou shows up at Mary's apartment for dinner, even though Mary is no longer expecting him]
Lou Grant: Hello. You didn't say what time. Is this OK?
Mary Richards: OK for what?
Lou Grant: Dinner. You did invite me to dinner, didn't you?
Mary Richards: Well, yes, Mr. Grant. But I can't imagine, after that scene in your office, that you would think it's still on.
Lou Grant: You never said it wasn't.
Mary Richards: You mean to tell me you expect us to sit down and eat dinner tonight after that fight we had?
Lou Grant: Mary, during World War II everyone was fighting, but we all kept eating.
Mary Richards: Yeah, yeah. But you never sat down to eat with the Germans.
Lou Grant: They never invited me. And you did.

"Lou Grant: Rape (#4.9)" (1981)
Lou Grant: [discussing the rape of a colleague] You've got a right to be upset.
Mrs. Pynchon: This is not upset, Mr. Grant. This is anger. I am angry.
[raises voice]
Mrs. Pynchon: I am angry! I'm angry because I'm frightened.
[a bit calmer]
Mrs. Pynchon: Every woman has to be.
Lou Grant: It's not just women. Everyone's vulnerable to some kind of attack.
Mrs. Pynchon: Not this kind of attack. It's widespread, it's frequent, it's a giant problem that has never really been faced. And you can't help but wonder, if men were the ones being raped, then wouldn't the problem get solved?

"Lou Grant: Conflict (#2.11)" (1978)
Lou Grant: What, did you want the job?
Art Donovan: Oh no. I'm not good at criticizing people. Even now, I can't think of a way to tell you what a bad decision you've just made.

"Lou Grant: Risk (#5.5)" (1981)
Mrs. Pynchon: I came down to talk about Miss McNeil's child pornography piece.
Lou Grant: What'd you think?
Mrs. Pynchon: [sighs and looks disgusted] I thought it was infuriating... depressive... nauseating... and terrific writing.
Lou Grant: [relieved] Oh, good.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Put on a Happy Face (#3.23)" (1973)
Lou Grant: [carrying Mary in the newsroom, after she slipped in the hall and sprained her foot] First we have to get you X-rayed. All we can do around here is get you Xeroxed.

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Last Show (#7.24)" (1977)
Lou Grant: I treasure you people.

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Six-and-a-Half-Year Itch (#2.11)" (1971)
Rhoda Morgenstern, Lou Grant: [Mary, Lou and Rhoda all walk into Mary's apartment, after abruptly leaving a movie theatre, because, Mr. Grant saw his son-in-law at the film with another woman. Rhoda's the only one who doesn't know why they left, and why Lou's so mad] I'm not angry. What makes you think I'm angry?
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, do you think you might feel better if you- you know, talk about it, sort of get it off your chest?
Rhoda Morgenstern: Get what off his chest? Please - give me hint, you two. What does it sound like? What letter does it start with?
Lou Grant: [Walks towards Rhoda] It starts with 'I'. I... saw... my... son-in-law at the movies tonight
Rhoda Morgenstern: [Lou's standing almost eyeball-to-eyeball with Rhoda] You saw your son-in-law in the movies tonight?
Lou Grant: Yeah.
Rhoda Morgenstern: Your son-in-law?
Lou Grant: Hmmm
Rhoda Morgenstern: [Realising she understands] Oh.
[Realising the guy they introduced her to was the son-in-law]
Rhoda Morgenstern: Oh!
[Realising the guy was with another woman, who wasn't Lou's daughter, i.e., his wife]
Rhoda Morgenstern: Ooooh!

"Lou Grant: Suspect (#5.21)" (1982)
Lance Reinecke: So we got this very straight, very established guy, who's involved with hookers.
Lou Grant: [unimpressed] So? A straight guy goes to hookers.
Lance Reinecke: Not a hot flash, okay. But then I ask the hookers about it, they get nervous.
Lou Grant: [matter of factly] You ask hookers questions, and they act nervous.
Lance Reinecke: Not surprising? Okay, but then this dude, this pimp or something tries to warn me off.
Lou Grant: You make hookers nervous and the pimp warns you off.
Lance Reinecke: Okay, okay. I'm not saying stop the presses or anything, I just feel like I'm on to something.

"Lou Grant: Cop (#3.1)" (1979)
Dave Tynan: So just how much backup do you think I could get if all the other officers knew I was gay?
Lou Grant: Are you gonna tell me that today the...
Dave Tynan: [interrupting] Look, Lou, today's cops hate gays and gays hate cops and the public isn't crazy about cops or gays.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Not a Christmas Story (#5.9)" (1974)
Mary Richards: [Murray's upset, and asks if he's 'allowed' to get some coffee. Mary tries to get Murray to stop his attitude. She walks up behind him with a smile] Murray... Murray!
[Mary bounces behind him]
Mary Richards: Murray? Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray! Mu-u-u-u-r-rrr!
[Mary nuggets his arm]
Lou Grant: Somehow I don't think you're swaying him with your logic.

"Lou Grant: Hype (#3.6)" (1979)
Lou Grant: Ok, so you're embarrassed.
Charlie Hume: I felt like a five star fool!

"Mary Tyler Moore: Mary's Delinquent (#6.8)" (1975)
Mary Richards: [In Mr. Grant's office, right after Mr. Grant lectured Francine about returning an item she'd just stolen] Well, how hard could it be to do something like that, right? Just, walk in, and say 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I don't need this, I don't want this, please take it back.'
Lou Grant: Good Mary. Now just remember that, when you take back the helicopter.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Ted's Change of Heart (#7.5)" (1976)
[Everyone's stunned at Ted's sudden return to normalcy]
Murray Slaughter: What happened?
Mary Richards: Well, I guess this experience, this feeling must go away.
Lou Grant: Yeah. I just remembered. The same thing happened in the war. During combat I never held life more dearly. But the feeling started to go away the minute the Germans stopped shooting at me. I never forgave them for that. I guess it always wears off.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Mary Moves Out (#6.2)" (1975)
Murray Slaughter: You know something? I just figured out why we're having trouble convincing Mary that life in this newsroom isn't boring. It's because it is boring.
Lou Grant: It is?
Murray Slaughter: Yeah! I mean, I'm bored. What do I do all day?
[Gets up from his desk and points toward the teletype machine]
Murray Slaughter: I go in there and I take the news out of that doohinkey.
[Points at his typewriter]
Murray Slaughter: And then I rewrite it on this doohinkey.
[Points at the TV set next to his desk]
Murray Slaughter: And then I turn on that doohinkey,
[points at Ted, who's pouring himself a cup of coffee]
Murray Slaughter: and watch it come out of that doohinkey.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Sue Ann Gets the Ax (#7.17)" (1977)
Lou Grant: [to Mary, who he's put in charge of whether-or-not to hire Sue Ann, and whom Mary doesn't want to hire] In twenty years, that could be you.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Ted's Tax Refund (#6.12)" (1975)
Lou Grant: Tonight's the night I usually count my socks.

"Mary Tyler Moore: What Are Friends For? (#5.10)" (1974)
Lou Grant: [Lou hasn't announced who from the newsroom will go on the Chicago junket. Sue Ann comes into his office, and tells Lou she's going, and wants him to go as well] I didn't know you were going.
Sue Ann Nivens: I wouldn't miss a chance like this! 3 days... and nights, in the city where I had my first program. It was a cooking show , called; 'Let's Talk About Meat.'

"Mary Tyler Moore: Two Wrongs Don't Make a Writer (#4.23)" (1974)
Lou Grant: Where do you get off changing Murray's copy?
Ted Baxter: It was flat, Lou! I didn't change the facts, I just jazzed up the language.
Lou Grant: Jazzed up? Jazzed up? Ted, you do not change the wording of a direct quote. And I do not believe that the Queen of England calls the French Ambassador "The Dude from Frog Town."

"Lou Grant: Streets (#4.7)" (1980)
Charlie Hume: Well, you've got to admit that the idea of special sections to appeal to the different interests of our readership makes sense.
Lou Grant: We already have special sections. They're called Business, Sports, Real Estate, Entertainment. We even have a special section for News.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Mary the Writer (#7.2)" (1976)
Lou Grant: You see, Mary? Ted's writing is lousy - even worse than yours. But when you brought yours to me, I respected you enough to tell you the truth. Would you rather I had treated you like I treated Ted? Huh? Would you prefer that I patronize you like some idiot? Shower you with empty compliments? Huh? Pump up your ego like you were some empty-headed, bumbling, brainless boob? Is that what you want?
Mary Richards: God, yes!

"Lou Grant: Charlatan (#3.4)" (1979)
Lou Grant: Is my neck on the line just so that Arnold Zinner can keep undressing women in public?

"Lou Grant: Censored (#3.18)" (1980)
Joe Rossi: Will he remember you?
Lou Grant: Are you kidding? Of course he'll remember me. We spend a lotta time together. Great time! I wrecked his car once.

"Lou Grant: Housewarming (#1.11)" (1977)
Lou Grant: Now take Rossi, there's somebody who doesn't care at all about other people's feelings. He's arrogant, pushy, abrasive, obnoxious, uncaring, insensitive... That's what makes him a good reporter.
Joe Rossi: Come on, Lou, you're making me blush.

"Lou Grant: Jazz (#5.9)" (1982)
Joe Rossi: [holding a 1955 record album by the Sonny Goodwin Quartet] Look, this has one of the classic versions of 'Summertime'.
Lou Grant: Summertime?
Joe Rossi: Yeah.
Lou Grant: Yeah, I remember that. The McGuire Sisters. Boy, they could really sing.
[Art Donovan walks by, stop to look over Lou's shoulder]
Lou Grant: Ah! Dorothy, Phyllis and... what was her name, Patty?
Joe Rossi: Maxine?
Art Donovan: Grumpy?

"Lou Grant: Influence (#3.22)" (1980)
Adam Wilson: It won't happen again.
Lou Grant: Don't worry about it, I love being a hero.

"Lou Grant: Strike (#4.13)" (1981)
Charlie Hume: [Charlie is shaving in the Tribune bathroom when Lou comes in] Hey, how do you feel?
Lou Grant: They haven't invented the term.