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Quotes for
Birdman (Character)
from "Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law" (2000)

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"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Bannon Custody Case (#1.1)" (2000)
Harvey Birdman: Uh, look, I knew this might be difficult, so I stopped off at the liquor store and got a couple of magazines that I think will explain everything.

Harvey Birdman: [explaining Race and Dr. Quest's relationship to Johnny Quest and Hadji] Your dad and Race were..."buddies."

Harvey Birdman: I want you to know that your father loves you both very much.
Jonny Quest: But he throws like a girl.
Harvey Birdman: So did Martina Navratilova, but that doesn't mean she wasn't macho in a many other important ways.

Harvey Birdman: Dr. Quest, tell us a little about your relationship with?
Dr. Benton Quest: Well, Race and I met one night...
Harvey Birdman: [gritted teeth] With your *boys*!
Dr. Benton Quest: Uh... oh! Right!

"Space Ghost Coast to Coast: Sequel (#6.4)" (1999)
Birdman: But... you're supposed to be in jail.
Space Ghost: Yeah, and you're supposed to be dumpster diving for ham scraps, you six-piece Chicken McNobody! Get outta my seat!
Birdman: Make me.

Zorak: Hey, where's David?
Moltar: Eh, he blew up in the airlock.
Birdman: Oh. I thought those were beets... mashed beets.

Birdman: I've tried everything to get her back. I don't know what to do.
Zorak: I would.
Tennille: If you don't give each other a little *space*, your relationship won't last.
Birdman: I give her at least a hundred yards, as per court order.

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Shaggy Busted (#1.3)" (2002)
Velma Dinkley: [regarding Shaggy and Scooby-Doo] I know the way it looks, Mr. Birdman, but that's just the way they are.
Daphne: Yeah. they always act that way.
Peanut: [ogling Daphne] Oooo. Sprechen Sie sexy...
Harvey Birdman: So you mean to tell me they weren't...
Guard: [walking through scene] Hi.
Fred Jones: Nope. They're just stupid.

[Harvey approaches Spyro]
Harvey Birdman: Spyro?
Spyro: Hmm?
Harvey Birdman: This seat taken?
Spyro: Pourquoi?
Harvey Birdman: No reason. I just had uh... drama question?
[sits down]
Spyro: This wouldn't have anything to do with those two poltroons you're representing, would it?
Harvey Birdman: Now that you mention it...
Spyro: No deal!
[gets up]
Spyro: Good 'morrow!
Harvey Birdman: Come on, sit down! Let's talk for a minute!
[Spyro sits back down]
Harvey Birdman: So, where did you go to school?
Spyro: Choate.
[shows flashback of students beating up a young Sypro with baseball bats]
Spyro: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Harvey Birdman: Good school. Still keep in touch with your pals?
Spyro: ...Not really.
Harvey Birdman: And law school?
Spyro: Yale.
[shows flashback of students beating up Sypro with baseball bats]
Spyro: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[Fred tears off the monster's mask revealign Old Man Bakov]
Mystery Inc.: Old man Bakov?
Myron Reducto: [outside the courtroom] Back off! BACK OFF!
Bakov: Oh, I would have succeeded too... if it had been for those...
Harvey Birdman: These meddling kids.
Bakov: No! The damn cotton market! Don't you tell me! All these hip-hop rats, damn lively wool wear for crying out loud! Hip-puz, yes... Uh, wait a minute here. What the hell am I... Nobody wears dungarees anymore. So, I did what any sensible framer would do, I switched crops!
Harvey Birdman: OH... So, wait a sec. Are you trying to say...
Bakov: What? SOYBEANS!

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Death by Chocolate (#1.4)" (2002)
Phil Ken Sebben: I'm keeping my eyes on you.
Harvey Birdman: Eye.
Phil Ken Sebben: I didn't know you were Scottish!

Harvey Birdman: Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?
Boo Boo Bear: Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary.
[jury gasps, long pause]
Boo Boo Bear: But that's just one little bear's opinion.
Harvey Birdman: A cute, fuzzy little bear...

Harvey Birdman: I'd like to call Yogi Bear to the stand.

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Very Personal Injury (#1.2)" (2001)
Harvey Birdman: When I say the word "superhero", what names come to mind? Wonder Woman. Aquaman. Superman. Birdman. These are names...
Juror: [interrupting] Uh, excuse me, I don't think of Birdman.
Harvey Birdman: Not my point...

[Avenger is making a kettle of tea in the background]
Apache Chief: Well, I saved the town the other day, and uh... I saved the town and, anyway, afterwards I thought, "Man, a coffee would be nice." But, uh, I spilled it on my... lap.
Harvey Birdman: Mmm-hmm.
[the tea kettle whistle begins to sound]
Apache Chief: And, uh, wow, it was... hot. On my lap.
Harvey Birdman: I'll bet...
Apache Chief: Hotness... Crotch... Ouch!
Harvey Birdman: Yeah, I... Ohhhh! W - Are you trying to say...?
Apache Chief: I can no longer... enlarge.
[the tea kettle whistle plaintively decays into silence]
Harvey Birdman: [crossing his legs and wincing] Oh! Ohhh! Ohhhhh! Let's all go to the mountains, huh?
[Apache Chief watches apprehensively as Avenger walks by with the tea service]
Harvey Birdman: I'll take the case! Nothing, huh? Not even first thing in the morning; little neeneeneeneeneey?

Harvey Birdman: You stated that you had express knowledge of one of the more familiar Superfriend's whereabouts - a Wonder Woman, I believe?
Zan: Um, that's correct. Uh, she was at home.
Harvey Birdman: Any idea why she wouldn't have answered the town's distress call?
Zan: Well, she said she really needed some, "me time." So she unplugged her communicator and... and took a bath.
Harvey Birdman: How do you happen to know this?
Zan: I was... I, I was the bathwater.
[Flashback to Wonder Woman taking a bath and Zan as the water]
Zan: [giggles] Form of a washrag!

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Back to the Present (#2.6)" (2004)
George Jetson: [describing how food is cooked in the future] You just press a couple of buttons and *bam*! It's done.
Harvey Birdman: Hmm. Fascinating. Excuse me.
[removes his lunch from the microwave]

Peanut: So where are you guys from? Florida?
George Jetson: No. We're from the future.
Elroy Jetson: The 21st century!
George Jetson: The magnificent far-off year of 2002!
Harvey Birdman: [looks at desk calendar -2004] Really.
George Jetson: Yes, talking ape man! We are from a society much advanced over your own! A society driven by sprockets! A technological marvel that gives us items such as... *this*!
[holds up enormous cell phone about as large as he is]
Peanut: [answers a small pocket-size cell phone] Who's feelin' Peanutty?

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Gone Efficien...t (#2.9)" (2004)
Phil Ken Sebben: Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.
Harvey Birdman: Interesting name. Norweg...?
Dvd: [briskly interrupting] Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.
Phil Ken Sebben: Brllnt!

[Klaxons sound as Harvey tries to obtain more bathroom tissue]
Phil Ken Sebben: [over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.
Harvey Birdman: *One* sheet?
Phil Ken Sebben: Repeat: One sheet per visit.
Peter Potamus: [appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Shoyu Weenie (#1.5)" (2002)
Harvey Birdman: And before you answer this next question, I'll remind you that you swore... ON A BIBLE... To tell the truth here today. So tell us... AND GOD... Where the song "Lovely Lovely" came from. *He'd* like to know.

Mentok: [addressing an attractive witness] Listen, I already *know*...
[Mentok's theme music starts]
Mentok: [shouts] Because I know everything! I'm Mentok, the Mi...
[music abruptly runs down]
Mentok: ?that you're not doing anything tonight, but... what are you doing tonight?
Harvey Birdman, Reducto: [shouts] Objection!

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Beyond the Valley of the Dinosaurs (#3.6)" (2005)
Harvey Birdman: You speak English?
Grok: Why wouldn't I? Yet another cultural stereotype...
Harvey Birdman: No, it's just that, uh, the dinosaurs and the grunting and all... where did you learn...?
Grok: Three semesters at CSU Long Beach.
Cavemen: Go Niners!

Grok: An oracle foretold of a pink feathered man-bird coming from the sky to bring pestilence and death upon our tribe. You bad chinga, brother.
Harvey Birdman: I'm not even pink! It's the spa terry!

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: SPF (#2.5)" (2004)
Harvey Birdman: The man's good name. When all is said and done, isn't that all he has? My client, Dingaling...
[a pregnant pause]
Mentok: What?... Oh. Oh! you were expecting a joke there. Too easy! Now, if he'd been Peter Peckapickle von Peenie, née Peter Peenie Peckerpickle; Waldo Lang Schnitzeldong; or Sarah Plain-and-Tall - *any* of those - then we got something!

Harvey Birdman: Your name was hijacked by a Web site as well?
Hi Riser: Yes. Yes, it was.
Harvey Birdman: Tell us the name of that site.
Hi Riser: Hi Riser dot com.
Harvey Birdman: And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there are more. Many more. I give you: Big Duke, Bigger Duke, Quickie, Schnooker, The Magic Rabbit, Fluidman...
Peanut: [aside] That would be, "Ew."
Harvey Birdman: ...Dirty Dog, Motherlode, and Goltar.
Gallery: [huh?]
Harvey Birdman: *And* his Golden Lance.
Gallery: [gasp!]

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Harvey's Civvy (#3.2)" (2005)
[a group of colorfully-costumed villains are crowding in court to watch the trial.]
Harvey Birdman: What's going on here?
Potamus: Pride weekend?

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: High Speed Buggy Chase (#2.4)" (2004)
Phil Ken Sebben: [regarding Avenger's replacement: a canary] What do you mean he can't type?
Harvey Birdman: Well, he's too light. Can't push the keys down.
Phil Ken Sebben: You know what he needs? A mate. They love mates! Can't type without them!
Harvey Birdman: Plus, I don't think he understands English.
Phil Ken Sebben: Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!
Harvey Birdman: [now has a white stain on his shoulder]
Phil Ken Sebben: Nope! I think he understands pretty well!

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Sebben and Sebben Employee Orientation (#3.11)" (2005)
Harvey Birdman: So I'll just put my savings in this diversified index fund. Safe and sound.
Phil Ken Sebben: It's 1985, Birdman, wake up! The smart money is going into S&L's... like that one!
Harvey Birdman: You mean Lincoln Savings & Loans?
Phil Ken Sebben: Right, S&L's are unkillable. Ever seen "It's a Wonderful Life"? Even that Bailey bastard couldn't screw it up!

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Trio's Company (#2.2)" (2004)
Harvey Birdman: My client, a private investigator.
Mentok: Colloquially known as...?
Harvey Birdman: Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe?
Inch-High, Private Eye: He wants you to say "dick".
Mentok: Which would make you an...?
Inch-High, Private Eye: [sighs] Inch-high dick.

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: X, the Exterminator (#1.9)" (2003)
Harvey Birdman: You wanted to see me?
Phil Ken Sebben: Yeah, I need your... help.
Harvey Birdman: Really?
Phil Ken Sebben: On my way to work, I hit a guy.
Harvey Birdman: Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.
Phil Ken Sebben: Every day this week.
Harvey Birdman: Oh. Any witnesses?
Phil Ken Sebben: Some kids.
Harvey Birdman: Nobody believes kids!
Phil Ken Sebben: And a nun.
Harvey Birdman: Nobody believes nuns!
Phil Ken Sebben: Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!
Harvey Birdman: I'll take the case!
Phil Ken Sebben: And if we lose, it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.
Harvey Birdman: Yes!
Phil Ken Sebben: Two heavily armed men in a bunker, fighting extradition.

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Booty Noir (#3.1)" (2005)
[Harvey is reading Wally Gator's file]
Harvey Birdman: Operating a speedboat in protected waters... Operating a speedboat while firing a weapon... Operating a speedboat while operating a twelve pack... so, he's pretty much being charged for...
Phil Ken Sebben: Being a redneck. Yep.

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Juror in Court (#4.6)" (2007)
Harvey Birdman: [alone in his kitchen] I have to call this number after five P.M. to see if it is necessary to report for Jury Duty... Who am I talking to?
[Harvey dials the number]
Harvey Birdman: Please say no, please say no...
Mentok the Mindtaker: [answering the phone] If your number is below two thousand three hundred fifty eight...
[Harvey looks at his number: 2359]
Mentok the Mindtaker: You don't have to report tomorrow.
Harvey Birdman: Damn!
Mentok the Mindtaker: I'm not finished.
Harvey Birdman: Oh!
Mentok the Mindtaker: If your number is divisible by fourteen, you don't have to report.
Harvey Birdman: Damn!
Mentok the Mindtaker: If two trains left your number at the same time headed in opposite directions, you don't have to report.
Harvey Birdman: Damn!
Mentok the Mindtaker: If your number is two thousand three hundred fifty nine or above, you don't have to report.
Harvey Birdman: Yes!
Mentok the Mindtaker: Unless it *is* two thousand three hundred and fifty nine, and then you do! WE'LL SEE YOU AT FIVE FORTY-FIVE A.M., SUCKER!

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Mindless (#3.10)" (2005)
Harvey Birdman: Uhh, how long have you been standing there?
Benny: Long enough. Listen, the cops nabbed T. C.
Harvey Birdman: What? Why?
Benny: Just being a cat.
Harvey Birdman: I thought we took care of that already!
Benny: And bookmaking.
Harvey Birdman: Oh.

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Identity Theft (#3.12)" (2005)
[Harvey has a stack of documents to be copied]
Harvey Birdman: Morning! Can I really get this in an hour?
The Deadly Duplicator: Yes, sir. We'll have it done in two hours.
Harvey Birdman: Ah, okay! Great! Two hours!
The Deadly Duplicator: Come on back in four hours and we'll have it all ready for you.

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Guitar Control (#2.11)" (2004)
Harvey Birdman: Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech; freedom of religion; the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.
Myron Reducto: Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.
[Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]
Myron Reducto: *Don't look at me!*
[Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]
Myron Reducto: And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: The Dabba Don (#1.6)" (2002)
Harvey Birdman: [line spoken frequently during "The Dabba Don"] Whoa... that's a man kiss.

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: Evolutionary War (#3.7)" (2005)
Harvey Birdman: Peanut, if we're going to win this case, I need proof.
Peanut: Proof of what?
Harvey Birdman: Um... evolution?
[They come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]
Peanut: I'd look elsewhere for that...

"Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: The Devlin Made Me Do It (#2.3)" (2004)
Harvey Birdman: [after failing to get an injured boy to physically react to certain things] You said you saw him scratch his nose!
Peanut: Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all
[whines and swats the air like a sissy]