Ritchie Petrie
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Quotes for
Ritchie Petrie (Character)
from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" (1961)

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"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Meershatz Pipe (#1.10)" (1961)
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Daddy doesn't like me.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Ritchie, don't be silly. Your daddy loves you.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: He might love me, but he doesn't like me.

[Rob is going to work in spite of a cold he has]
Laura Petrie: That foolish man! That foolish, stupid man!
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Why is Daddy stupid?
Laura Petrie: Because he doesn't know how smart he is.

Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: [whispering] Mommy.
Laura Petrie: [whispering] Oh, good morning sweetheart. Don't make any noise. Daddy isn't feeling well.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Can I keep the dollar bill?
Laura Petrie: What, sweetie?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Can I keep the dollar bill?
Laura Petrie: Oh, yes, sure, sweetie, keep it.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Can I keep it even if I tell you?
Laura Petrie: Yes. Ritchie? Come here. Tell me what?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: What I'm not supposed to tell you.
Laura Petrie: What aren't you supposed to tell me?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: That Daddy's gone to work.
Laura Petrie: Oh...
Laura Petrie: [now fully awake and shouting] Daddy's gone to work?

Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Is Daddy stupid because he's smart?
Laura Petrie: Well, not really stupid, dear. I used the wrong word.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: What's the right word?
Laura Petrie: Well, there's a word grownups use to describe the way your daddy's feeling.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Is it "unsecure"?
Laura Petrie: "Unsec..." Where did you hear that word?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: On "Popeye Theater".
Laura Petrie: On "Popeye Theater"?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Yeah. That's what Olive Oyl called Popeye when he didn't know how strong he was.
Laura Petrie: And who said television wasn't educational?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: I didn't.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Go Tell the Birds and the Bees (#5.10)" (1965)
[Ritchie gets a phone call from a girl classmate; Rob and Laura eavesdrop thinking he's now giving out information on human reproduction from home]
Ritchie Petrie: Hi, Debbie. Huh? But I told you this morning. Weren't you listenin'? Oh, okay, but it's the last time I'm gonna tell ya. The whole thing takes two or three months. Huh? Yeah, I know Freddie had to wait almost a year, but that's 'cause his family don't eat any cereal.

Rob Petrie: It's just that, Rich, there's a little confusion about what you're tellin' the kids at school; I'd like to clear it up if I can.
Ritchie Petrie: Oh, you mean about the babies and all that stuff.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, that... that's right, dear.
Ritchie Petrie: But I didn't tell 'em what you told me not to tell.
Rob Petrie: Well, who told you what to tell 'em?
Ritchie Petrie: Nobody. I made it up.
Laura Petrie: You made it up?
Ritchie Petrie: Yeah. Grampa's story about Mr. Cabbage was silly.
Rob Petrie: Well, right, right.
Ritchie Petrie: And your story about the eggs and everything made a lot of sense.
Rob Petrie: Of course it did.
Ritchie Petrie: But you said I shouldn't tell that story to anybody.
Rob Petrie: Right again.
Ritchie Petrie: So I had to make one up.
Laura Petrie: Well, why, Rich? Why did you have to make up ANY story?
Ritchie Petrie: Because the kids like me to tell stories - and I'm good at it, like Daddy.
Rob Petrie: How do you like THAT?

Ritchie Petrie: What about bears?
Rob Petrie: What about 'em?
Ritchie Petrie: Don't they fall in love and get married?
Rob Petrie: Well... y-yes, in a manner of speaking, they do, Rich.
Ritchie Petrie: How about a fox and a rabbit?
Rob Petrie: A fox and a rabbit. No. Uh, R... they can't, Rich. They can't. Certain, um... Rich, there're just certain animals that-that don't get along together. You see, it wouldn't... it wouldn't make sense for them to get married, see?
Ritchie Petrie: How about Millie and Jerry? The got married.
Rob Petrie: Well... that's a little different, uh, Rich. M-Millie and Jerry love each other, really. It's just they like to... to show it at the top of their lungs, that's all.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sol and the Sponsor (#1.29)" (1962)
Ritchie Petrie: Daddy?
Rob Petrie: Huh?
Ritchie Petrie: Do I have to meet Mr. Bermont?
Rob Petrie: No. You'll probably be asleep by then.
Ritchie Petrie: Good. He sounds too clean.

Ritchie Petrie: [awakened by Sol and Mr. Burmont's vigorous arguing] Mommy, mommy!
Laura Petrie: Ritchie, what're you doing out of bed? You're supposed to be asleep!
Ritchie Petrie: The television's on too loud!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat (#4.4)" (1964)
Ritchie Petrie: You gonna get a sitter for me?
Laura Petrie: Yes, dear. I've called Billy and he's gonna come over.
Ritchie Petrie: He can teach me how to belch.
Laura Petrie: Ritchie!
Ritchie Petrie: He can do it any time he wants.
Laura Petrie: Rob, please speak to him, please.
[Laura exits]
Rob Petrie: Uh - heh-heh - Ritch, that's, uh, not a very polite thing.
Ritchie Petrie: Billy says that in China, if you don't burp after a meal, they think you hatred the dinner.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, but we're not in China now.
Ritchie Petrie: Well, maybe someday we'll go, and I wanna be polite.

Jerry Helper: Listen, uh, where are your mother and father?
Ritchie Petrie: They went out.
Jerry Helper: Out? Where?
Ritchie Petrie: I don't know. They just left.
Jerry Helper: Huh, you see that?
Millie Helper: Come on. Don't jump to conclusions. Ritchie, are they coming back?
Ritchie Petrie: Oh, sure.
Millie Helper: Ya see?
Jerry Helper: Well, how do you know they're coming back?
Ritchie Petrie: They have to. They live here.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Attempted Marriage (#2.3)" (1962)
Ritchie Petrie: [notices Rob and Laura kissing while watching home movies of their wedding] Boy, you two sure kiss a lot! Show me that again, Daddy.
Rob Petrie: Okay.
[they start kissing again]
Ritchie Petrie: Not that - that!
[points to the movie screen]

Rob Petrie: [reading the inscription engraved upon a silver platter] It says, "To Sergeant Petrie, Good luck and happiness on your marriage." Where'd you find this, Rich?
Ritchie Petrie: In the basement.
Laura Petrie: There's more, darling.
Rob Petrie: [bemused] I know there's more. "To Laura, In case he backs out again, you can marry us - Company E, 35th Battalion, Camp Crowder, Missouri."

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Harrison B. Harding of Camp Crowder, Mo. (#1.6)" (1961)
Evelyn Harding: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Ritchie Petrie: Not yet but someday I will. Daddy promised.
Rob Petrie: [to Laura] I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Rob Petrie: By gosh, you know something?
Harrison B. Harding: What?
Rob Petrie: I even know the nickname the guys gave you!
Harrison B. Harding: I'll bet you don't!
Rob Petrie: Harry the Horse!
Harrison B. Harding: Ho-ho, you dog! Harry the Horse!
Ritchie Petrie: Why did they call you that?
Rob Petrie: Because he had a face...
Evelyn Harding: ...as big as a horse.
Harrison B. Harding: I lost 57 pounds since then.
Evelyn Harding: All from his face.
Harrison B. Harding: Don't tease me, Evelyn.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Washington vs. the Bunny (#1.4)" (1961)
Ritchie Petrie: [singing You're the Top] You're the top! You're the Tower of Pizza! You're the top! You're the Mommy Lisa!

Ritchie Petrie: Daddy! You broke my arm!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Oh, How We Met on the Night That We Danced (#1.5)" (1961)
Ellen Helper: I won't marry you because I don't like you.
Ritchie Petrie: That's 'cause I make a bad first impression.

Laura Petrie: [after they tell Ritchie about their meeting] So you see, Ritch, if Daddy didn't step on your mommy's foot, you might never have been born.
Ritchie Petrie: You should've stepped on both feet, Daddy.
Rob Petrie: Why, Ritch?
Ritchie Petrie: Then I would've had a twin brother.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Foul Weather Girl (#2.16)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Oh, Janey, this is our son, Ritchie.
Jane Leighton: Oh, he is darling.
Jane Leighton: [to Ritchie] Hi. You know, I hope someday I have a boy JUST like you.
Ritchie Petrie: And I hope I have a GIRL just like you.

Ritchie Petrie: Aw, every time we have good company, I have to get something washed.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Laura's Little Lie (#3.3)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Hi, Rich. Have you seen Mommy?
Ritchie Petrie: When?
Rob Petrie: This morning.
Ritchie Petrie: Didn't YOU see her? She sleeps in YOUR room.

Ritchie Petrie: Mommy, can I have a glass for my milk?
Laura Petrie: [preoccupied] Not before breakfast, Rich! Drink your milk!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Nice, Friendly Game of Cards (#3.18)" (1964)
Jerry Helper: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I just broke up a pair of queens to go for a straight. If this is another queen, I'll shoot myself.
Ritchie Petrie: [reading the back of Jerry's card] Well, Uncle Jerry, you got another queen. You gonna shoot yourself?

Ritchie Petrie: Bad luck, Daddy.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [laughs nervously] Thanks. I mean, go to bed.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Blonde-Haired Brunette (#1.2)" (1961)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [seeing Ritchie in the closet] What are you doing in there?
Ritchie Petrie: Playing hat shack.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, well, how's business?
Ritchie Petrie: Terrible!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Gesundheit, Darling (#2.12)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Did you have fun with Freddy today?
Ritchie Petrie: Yeah, we made a new club. I'm the president.
Laura Petrie: Oh, so you're the main one.
Ritchie Petrie: No, Freddy is. He's the king.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: See Rob Write, Write Rob Write (#5.12)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: Kids aren't gonna know what "morose" means.
Rob Petrie: Are you kidding? Kids'll know what that means.
Laura Petrie: No, darling. It's much too big a word.
Rob Petrie: Any kid... I'll bet you Ritchie knows what THAT means.
Laura Petrie: No, he doesn't.
Rob Petrie: Oh...
Rob Petrie: [calling outside to Ritchie] Hey, Ritchie. Come in here a minute, will ya?
Ritchie Petrie: Wait!
[Sound of toy machine gun fires outside]
Ritchie Petrie: I got ya!
Kid: Ya did not!
Rob Petrie: He did too!
[Ritchie enters with a toy machine gun]
Rob Petrie: Ritchie, answer me this: What does "morose" mean?
Ritchie Petrie: Huh?
Rob Petrie: It's a... it's a word you hear every day. Have you ever heard of the word "morose."
Ritchie Petrie: Yeah. Lots of times.
Rob Petrie: What does it mean, Ritch?
Ritchie Petrie: Some kind of flower.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Girls Will Be Boys (#4.23)" (1965)
Ritchie Petrie: I never kissed a girl before.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, you kissed Mommy.
Ritchie Petrie: That's not the same.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, yes it is.
Laura Petrie: No, it isn't.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Don't confuse him, honey.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Gunslinger (#5.31)" (1966)
Ritchie Petrie: Daddy! You're wearin' a dress!
Rob Petrie: It ain't what a man wears, boy. It's what's in his heart.
Ritchie Petrie: Is there a sissy in your heart, Daddy?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Teacher's Petrie (#3.32)" (1964)
Ritchie Petrie: [told to go to bed] Should I shut the door so I don't hear the fight?
Rob Petrie: There's no fight, Rich. Go to bed.
Laura Petrie: And shut the door.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: What's in a Middle Name? (#2.7)" (1962)
Ritchie Petrie: [planning to give his kid an acrostic middle name like his own] It's my kid and I like RAT!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Empress Carlotta's Necklace (#1.12)" (1961)
Ritchie Petrie: A genuine rock? Oh, boy! Thanks!
Sam Petrie: All that happiness for just a rock? What does he do when you bring him a present?
Rob Petrie: Exactly the same thing, just as long as I bring him something. I got him trained that way. Matter of fact, I got his momma trained the same way. You should have seen the big kiss I got last night.
Sam Petrie: You brought her a rock, too?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Lady and the Baby Sitter (#4.3)" (1964)
Ritchie Petrie: Benny and I are gonna bury a dead rat.
Laura Petrie: You found a dead rat?
Ritchie Petrie: No. We're gonna buy one.
Laura Petrie: Ritchie, will you please tell me where you can buy a dead rat?
Ritchie Petrie: Do YOU want one, Mommy?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Boy #1, Boy #2 (#4.19)" (1965)
Ritchie Petrie: I'm gonna wear a chocolate soda?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bank Book 6565696 (#2.4)" (1962)
Ritchie Petrie: Happy birthday, Dad!
Rob Petrie: Oh, thank you, Rich.
Ritchie Petrie: It cost me a fortunes.
Rob Petrie: I'll bet it did, and it's very sweet of you, Rich.
Ritchie Petrie: That's okay, Daddy. You're worth 89¢.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Where You Been, Fassbinder? (#1.25)" (1962)
Ritchie Petrie: Where's YOUR husband?
Sally Rogers: Uh, mine? I haven't got one.
Ritchie Petrie: Why don't you get one?
Rob & Laura: [together] Say goodnight, Ritchie.
Ritchie Petrie: [swiftly carried off to bed] Byyyyyyye!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Odd But True (#5.8)" (1965)
Freddie Helper: Say, your dad sure has a lot of freckles.
Ritchie Petrie: Only on his back. The rest of 'im is clean.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Father of the Week (#1.22)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Course that's a pretty big honor, isn't it, Ritch - Father of the Week?
Ritchie Petrie: No. All the fathers were it already.
Rob Petrie: I see. I'm the... I'm the, uh, last father to be it, huh?
Ritchie Petrie: Uh-huh. Next week they start mothers.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Plots Thicken (#3.25)" (1964)
Ritchie Petrie: Well, what's a plot?
Rob Petrie: Well, Rich, uh, a, uh, plot is, uh... it's where you will go when-when you die, Rich.
Ritchie Petrie: I thought when you die you go to Heaven.
Rob Petrie: Well, you do. You do go to Heaven, Rich, a... but a plot is... is kind of like a... a launching pad. Zhoom!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: To Tell or Not to Tell (#1.8)" (1961)
[Uable to cook dinner, Rob serves bananas]
Ritchie Petrie: Daddy?
Rob Petrie: Hmm?
Ritchie Petrie: When's Mommy coming home?
Rob Petrie: Soon, Rich. Why?
Ritchie Petrie: I like Mommy's banana's better.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Night the Roof Fell In (#2.9)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: [after Rob sees Ritchie's poor spelling test grade] Rob, we promised: no more yelling.
Rob Petrie: That's right.
Ritchie Petrie: Here, Daddy, sign it.
Rob Petrie: Nope. First we eat, then we sign.
Laura Petrie: But... no yelling.
Rob Petrie: No yelling - but a lot of loud "discussion."

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Never Name a Duck (#2.1)" (1962)
[Rob pretends to be making bird calls so Ritchie doesn't figure out he's hiding two baby ducks]
Ritchie Petrie: You're a good actor, Daddy. Do it again.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, I'll cheep some more a... after dinner for ya.
Ritchie Petrie: Aw, please?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Rich, you know Daddy doesn't like to cheep on an empty stomach.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: When a Bowling Pin Talks, Listen (#2.32)" (1963)
Uncle Spunky, Ritchie Petrie, Laura Petrie: [the Uncle Spunky Oath of Allegiance] "For Crummy Buttons I'll be good; I'll keep my hands real clean; and, if at the store they don't have any more, I promise to make a big scene."

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Talented Neighborhood (#1.19)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: And who are those people?
Ritchie Petrie: They're not people. They're my friends.