Melvin 'Mel' Cooley
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Quotes for
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley (Character)
from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" (1961)

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"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Buddy, Can You Spare a Job? (#1.14)" (1961)
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [on releasing Buddy from his contract with "The Alan Brady Show"] Buddy, I cherish this moment. Never in my entire life have I been happier to say goodbye to anyone. Goodbye forever.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Mel, in the... many years of our association, I know I've said a lot of unkind things about your bald head. And... I'm sorry I didn't mention the rest of your ugly puss.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: One last yecch!

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [giving Jackie his hand] My hand.
Jackie Brewster: Really? Is that your hand? Why, it looks more like five fat worms.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: I beg your pardon?
Jackie Brewster: Why? You can't help it if you have worm fingers.

[Rob begins dictating a fraudulent letter of dis-recommendation to get Buddy fired by Alan Brady]
Rob Petrie: Dear Mel: There's a situation concerning the writing staff which I believe merits your attention.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Wait a minute, you're too polite! D-d... You gotta louse me up more!
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Yes. What you need is some good honest hatred. I'll dictate it: During the past season, Buddy Sorrel has not contributed one idea, joke or fresh thought.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Beautiful. Hey, Sal, tell 'im about how I lay, you now, sleep on the couch all day, that I'm always comin' in late and everything, you know.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [continuing] He has been distracting Sally Rogers and myself, and what was once a serviceable talent has deteriorated into an office clown.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Wonderful! Curly, if I ever want to get sent to the chair, you're gonna be my lawyer.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [referring to Jackie] Well, who's he?
Jackie Brewster: See, he knows me already.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: I, uh, I don't believe I know your work. What have you done?
Jackie Brewster: About what?

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Look, look, do you know who I am?
Jackie Brewster: Don't you know who you are?

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [yelling] GET ME BUDDY!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ugliest Dog in the World (#5.4)" (1965)
Mel Cooley: [seeing Buddy on all fours] Should I throw you a bone?
Buddy Sorrell: Why, do you wanna get rid of your head?

Sally Rogers: Don't tell me Alan wants the script.
Mel Cooley: Of course, and so does Pally's trainer.
Sally Rogers: You mean the dog has script approval?
Buddy Sorrell: No, they ran outta newspaper.

Mel Cooley: Oh, I'd rather not show anything to Alan that's unfinished.
Buddy Sorrell: Why? He sees YOU all the time.

Mel Cooley: "Pygmalion?" Do you think it'd work with a dog?
Sally Rogers: Why not? It was great with pigs.

Mel Cooley: Oh, I think I'd better check with Pally's trainer. I don't think they'll let that creature near her.
Buddy Sorrell: They let YOU near her. This is a step up.

[the canine Pygmalion sketch is out]
Mel Cooley: So I guess you better take your dog back to the pound.
Buddy Sorrell: No, why don't we keep him and send YOU to the pound? They'll never know the difference.
Sally Rogers: Oh, sure they will. The dog's got more hair.
Mel Cooley: SALLY!
Sally Rogers: Well, Mel, I just thought it would hurt less coming from me.
Mel Cooley: Well, it didn't.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: 4½ (#4.7)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: Alan does a lot of charity work.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, THAT'S how you got your job.

Mel Cooley: You're doing a show in prison?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, how 'bout that? Hundreds of men and not one of them can get away.

[Rob describes Lyle Delp's role in prison]
Mel Cooley: You... you mean he's a convict?
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, if he ain't, he got the worst taste in clothes I ever saw.

Rob Petrie: [about Lyle] As a mater of fact, when we first met the guy, he was a holdup man.
Mel Cooley: H-how did you know he was a holdup man?
Rob Petrie: He held us up.

Mel Cooley: You mean you actually became friends with a man who held you up?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, we've been writing to him in prison for years.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, he's sort of a pen pal.

Mel Cooley: Well, I've got plenty of time. My desk is clear.
Buddy Sorrell: So's your head.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sally Is a Girl (#1.13)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: Hey, Mel? How about a little poker game Thursday night?
Mel Cooley: Oh, fine. Who're the players gonna be? No women, I hope.
Sally Rogers: Nyah!
Rob Petrie: No, just Buddy, me and Sally.
Mel Cooley: Count on me.

Mel Cooley: [walks in to find only Buddy in the room] Oh, I guess there's no one here yet.

Buddy Sorrell: Look, have you noticed somethin' funny goin' on around here?
Mel Cooley: No, and that includes the scripts.

Mel Cooley: What's this "something funny going on?"
Buddy Sorrell: [highly agitated] Well, i-i-it's about Sally and Rob. W-where do ya think they are now?
Mel Cooley: Well, how do I know?
Buddy Sorrell: Out to lunch!
Mel Cooley: Well, what's funny about that?
Buddy Sorrell: I'm not with 'em, am I? And when I said I'd like to go along, Rob said, "Oh, no - two's company, three's a crowd."
Mel Cooley: I guess sometimes your best friends WILL tell you.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Fifty-Two, Forty-Five or Work (#5.14)" (1965)
Mel Cooley: People, I've got great news.
Buddy Sorrell: The Harvard Medical School found a way to get your scalp into a bottle.

Mel Cooley: I thought you'd be excited, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Why, I am, I am, but I just got the weirdest feeling.
Buddy Sorrell: [pointing to Mel] I do, too, but it'll go away when he does.

Mel Cooley: Well, I hope you've got something to do this summer, because Alan's just gonna loaf.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, he's takin' YOUR job, huh?

Mel Cooley: Well, I CERTAINLY won't miss YOU this summer!
Buddy Sorrell: Well, I'm gettin' a .38, and I ain't gonna miss you, either.
Mel Cooley: Yuck.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Was a Teenage Head Writer (#2.19)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: I usually don't say this, but I think that sketch is one of the funniest we've written in months.
Mel Cooley: Well, I'm sorry. It just didn't make me laugh.
Buddy Sorrell: That PROVES it's funny.

Rob Petrie: Look, Mel, as the head writer, I say it's a good script, and I'm sure Alan would agree with me, too.
Mel Cooley: I'm sorry, there's no use talking...
Rob Petrie: [interrupting] Mel, I could go over your head.
Buddy Sorrell: Watch it, Rob. It's slippery up there.

Mel Cooley: I had a full head of hair when I started this job.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, hi ya, Mel. Hey, you've been worried about gettin' bald. I got good news for ya. You are NOT losing your hair.
Mel Cooley: I'm not?
Buddy Sorrell: [picking at his jacket] No, I just found it. Look, there's some here and here and...

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Jealousy! (#1.7)" (1961)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Believe me, Rob, as the producer, I'm sorry.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: We believe you, Curly. You're a sorry producer.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: It was the sketch. I knew Alan wouldn't like it. And when it comes to comedy, I have an unerring instinct.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's right, you got the instinct of a herring.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Miss Blake, our audience doesn't care how sleepy we get. We must give unstintingly of our strength and talent. Our work must come first. We must never allow our personal pleasures to interfere with our work. Now, if you'll excuse me, my wife and I have tickets for the theater tonight.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Goodbye, "We"!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ghost of A. Chantz (#4.2)" (1964)
Mr. Little: There are no reservations. No rooms.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Well, that's impossible.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: That's what we've been telling him. Look, Mr. Cooley called and made reservations. Right, Mel?
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: That's right. I...
[realizes that he forgot and holds his forehead]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: The Hairless Phantom strikes again.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Rob and I will work things out. Look, why don't you girls go and have dinner.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [Referring to Buddy] Oh, and take IT with you. Rob, I-I just feel awful.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Don't feel so bad, Mel. You finally accomplished a great feat - you got everybody hating you at the same time.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: As long as there's a possibility of driving him crazy, I'll never tell.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Gunslinger (#5.31)" (1966)
Buddy Sorrell: That's Killer Cooley.
Mel Cooley: How could you tell with my hat on?
Buddy Sorrell: [patting Mel's belly] You forgot to cover the ponderosa.

Mel Cooley: And I got a message for you from Bad.
Rob Petrie: That ain't good.

Buddy Sorrell: Sheriff, you keep forgettin' you ain't got no guns.
Mel Cooley: A sheriff without guns?
Rob Petrie: When I quit bein' a gunslinger, I hung up my guns. I ain't wore 'em since.
Sally Rogers: You gave up gun fighting?
Rob Petrie: No, I forgot where I hung 'em.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Pen Is Mightier Than the Mouth (#3.21)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: W-where's Sally?
Rob Petrie: Uh... dentist.
Buddy Sorrell: [together with Rob] Foot doctor.
Buddy Sorrell: Uh, b'uh... foot dentist. She had her big toe filled.

Mel Cooley: Now, you're the head writer.
Rob Petrie: So, Mel, what do you want me to do?
Buddy Sorrell: Write him a new head.

Mel Cooley: Alan's been chewing my head off.
Rob Petrie: Oh, is that how it happened?
Mel Cooley: ROB!
Rob Petrie: I'm sorry, Mel. I'm not myself today.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, he's gettin' to be more like me. Notice the improvement?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: How to Spank a Star (#3.24)" (1964)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: I wish I could hide.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Hey, quick, grow some hair.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: I'm about at my wit's end!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Well, that's a short trip.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Miss Marshall, I shall look forward again someday to perhaps almost working with you.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is the Best One (#3.15)" (1964)
[repeated line]
Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel!
Mel Cooley: Yes, sir.

Mel Cooley: Good morning, staff.
Buddy Sorrell: Good morning, stiff.

Mel Cooley: Newstime Magazine is going to do a cover story of Alan and, as his writers, they want to know what you think of him.
Sally Rogers: Oh, they can't print THAT in a family magazine.
Mel Cooley: Uh, you can say anything you want as long as you bear in mind that your contracts are coming up for renewal.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Three Letters from One Wife (#4.9)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: Oh-oh-oh, this toupee seems to have less hair in it than the old one.
Alan Brady: I ordered it that way. I wanna grow bald gracefully, not like you.

Alan Brady: Mel, I'm thirsty.
Mel Cooley: Oh, you want a drink, Alan?
Alan Brady: No, a glass of dust.

Mel Cooley: Now, shut up. Go to rehearsal, Alan. Ha-ha-ha.
Alan Brady: "Shut up and go to rehearsal?" Don't do that. You're not that secure.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Forty-Four Tickets (#1.11)" (1961)
[Mel has given Rob six tickets but Rob can't help noticing Mel holds many more in his hand]
Rob Petrie: Are, uh... are all those others spoken for?
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Loudly and clearly. These are for the employees of the United Nations.
Rob Petrie: Well, Mel, couldn't you just let me have a few of 'em? Just, say, the ones you're holding for the less friendly nations?
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Come now, Rob. You wouldn't want me to create an international situation just because of your PTA?
Rob Petrie: Sure I would.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [laughs] I know you're just joshing.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [sarcastically appraising a lame sketch idea] It's a riot.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: How would you know, Curly?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob] Will you please tell this person that I was not hired for this job to be the butt of his jokes?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Hey, whose jokes were you hired to be the butt of?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Buddy] Yecch!

Rob Petrie: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like for you to meet the charming producer of The Alan Brady Show, Mr. Mel Cooley.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [brusquely] NOT NOW, ROB - I'VE GOT A PROBLEM!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Washington vs. the Bunny (#1.4)" (1961)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I did not come here to get insulted.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Oh? Where do you usually go to get insulted? I'll go anyplace!

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob] Well, there's a young girl singer making her debut on a local Washington station tomorrow, and Alan would like you to go there and do some talent scouting.
Rob Petrie: Sure, I'd love to go.
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Ah, fine.
Rob Petrie: Hey, wait a minute, tomorrow morning is bad for me. How about the next day?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Oh, I'm afraid not. No, every TV station in town is gonna be sending a... a scout down there, and we don't want them to beat us to the punch.
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah. How about letting Buddy go?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah, how about letting Buddy go?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: We want an opinion we can respect.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Rob Petrie: No, not at all, Mel.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Speak for yourself, Rob. I can't even drink coffee with Goldilocks around; curdles the cream.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Return of Happy Spangler (#1.30)" (1962)
Mel Cooley: Oh, Buddy'll never be a has-been. He'll always be a never-was.
Buddy Sorrell: Look who's talkin'. Been in the business twenty years, he's still a what-is-it.

Mel Cooley: I've always felt we were understaffed. Rob, I don't see how you've done as well as you have with just you, Sally and a trained ape.
Buddy Sorrell: I didn't know you were trained.

Mel Cooley: If you'll excuse me, Mr. Spangler, I have work to do.
Buddy Sorrell: Good luck emptying the ashtrays, skinhead.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Very Old Shoes, Very Old Rice (#3.4)" (1963)
Mel Cooley: Rob, may I disturb you for a minute?
Buddy Sorrell: A minute with you disturbs me for a month.

Mel Cooley: Now, Sally, you know Alan insists that the heads of his creative staff be at all those meetings.
Buddy Sorrell: How come he lets YOU in? Your head isn't creative enough to grow hair.

Mel Cooley: Uh, if you want me, you'll know where to find me.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, are you going back under that rock?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Where Did I Come From? (#1.15)" (1962)
Mel Cooley: Look... Look... I hate to interrupt all this...
Buddy Sorrell: Then get out of here.

Mel Cooley: I really need my pants today. I'm having lunch with the sponsor.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Talk to the Snail (#5.24)" (1966)
Mel Cooley: [sensing something's wrong] Why are you all standing like that?
Buddy Sorrell: We're tryin' out for a toboggan team.

Mel Cooley: Well, is there anything I can do in Alan's absence?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, join 'im.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat (#4.4)" (1964)
[Mel enters to collect clothing donations]
Mel Cooley: What have you got for me?
Buddy Sorrell: Hatred.

Mel Cooley: [to Rob] Oh, by the way, Alan wants to see you in his office right away. He needs some big jokes for the monologue.
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't YOU volunteer. You're the biggest joke around here.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, enough already.
Mel Cooley: No, no, let him go. Let him go. The-the more he says, the closer he comes to a cauliflower nose.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Uhny Uftz (#5.3)" (1965)
Mel Cooley: [seeing Rob standing on his shoulders] What's he doing?
Buddy Sorrell: He was walkin' on the ceiling and he fell off.

Mel Cooley: Exhaustion becomes you.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who Owes Who What? (#1.18)" (1962)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Rob Petrie: Buddy!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Sally!
Sally Rogers: Mel!
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Rob Petrie: Sally!
Sally Rogers: Buddy!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Go ahead, Curly. It's your turn. Say "Rob."
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [applauding drolly, overlapping Sally's line] Beautiful.
Sally Rogers: [applauding drolly, overlapping Buddy's line] Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [looking around; to Rob] Well, I see our adult delinquent is late as usual.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [walking in, holding a purse] No, I'm not. I'm back. I was out shopping.
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob] Yes, he made an excellent purchase. His old purse was getting awfully shabby.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [handing Sally the purse] Here's your bag, Sally.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [to Mel] And remember this, Mr. Crew-Cut, we make the jokes around here. You're nothing but a... uh...
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [to Rob and Sally] Anybody find out what he is?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Brother, Can You Spare $2500? (#4.15)" (1965)
Mel Cooley: [about Buddy] You know the trouble with him? One day he's here, and the next day he's here.

Mel Cooley: [seeing a bum leave the office] Who was THAT?
Buddy Sorrell: Mel, that's you in two years.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Redcoats Are Coming (#4.20)" (1965)
[as the manager exits, he reminds Mel to talk to Rob]
Rob Petrie: What are you supposed to talk to me about?
Mel Cooley: Oh, well, it's, uh, private, Rob.
Buddy Sorrell: Private? I know. He wants to steal their hair, and he wants you to drive the getaway car.

Rob Petrie: [poking fun of Mel's elaborate cloak-and-dagger-like tactics for getting Fred & Ernie to Rob's house] Well, uh, what's the, uh, password, Mel?
Mel Cooley: Paul Revere.
Rob Petrie: [flabbergasted and doing a double take] You're kidding!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Third One from the Left (#3.14)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: One of my duties on this show is the sifting of talent.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, well, don't forget your pail and shovel.

Mel Cooley: [having seen Joanie kissing Rob] I'd hate to see it start, Rob.
Rob Petrie: You hate to see WHAT start?
Mel Cooley: So many couples we've known, it's hard to get up a bridge game.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Dear Sally Rogers (#5.21)" (1966)
Mel Cooley: I hope you didn't say anything offensive.
Buddy Sorrell: Just your name.

Mel Cooley: You know, you couldn't be replaced.
Buddy Sorrell: Why not?
Mel Cooley: Because I don't know what you are.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Empress Carlotta's Necklace (#1.12)" (1961)
[Mel's cousin, Max, offers to sell jewelry to the writing staff]
Maxwell Cooley: All of our prices are 30% BELOW store prices.
Mel Cooley: You see, Maxwell doesn't have any overhead.
Buddy Sorrell: [observing their bald heads as they lean in] Kind of runs in the family, don't it, Curly?

Mel Cooley: [to Max] Hey, look, I'll leave you here. I've got a lot of work to do.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Mel] Yeah, the wastepaper baskets are all filled.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Romance, Roses and Rye Bread (#4.6)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, there he is, the guy with enough foreheads for four heads.
Mel Cooley: I have no time for your insults.
Buddy Sorrell: [brightly] We can do it later.

Sally Rogers: [trying to learn the source of her rose] Mel, Mel? Um, you have a garden, don't you?
Mel Cooley: It's my hobby.
Sally Rogers: [presenting her flower] Do you know anything about that?
Mel Cooley: [taking and appraising it] Why yes. It's a rose.
[Mel hands it back and exits]
Buddy Sorrell: We shoulda called him earlier.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Where You Been, Fassbinder? (#1.25)" (1962)
Mel Cooley: Good morning.
Buddy Sorrell: It was till YOU got here.
Mel Cooley: Rob, I don't like coming here and having insults thrown at me.
Buddy Sorrell: Stay home; I'll phone 'em over to you.
Mel Cooley: [to Buddy] Look, I'm getting fed up...!
Buddy Sorrell: Pretty obvious, fatso. What time's the balloon go up?

Mel Cooley: Oh, Sally, that reminds me, there was a fella here earlier looking for you.
Sally Rogers: You didn't let him get away, did ya?
Mel Cooley: Well, you weren't here.
Sally Rogers: Well, what's his name?
Mel Cooley: Why, I didn't catch it.
Sally Rogers: Well, did he leave a number?
Mel Cooley: No, but he said you probably wouldn't know him.
Sally Rogers: Well, did he leave a note?
Mel Cooley: No.
Sally Rogers: A fingerprint? A laundry mark? A shaving lotion smell? SOMETHING!
Mel Cooley: Nothing. I'm sorry, Sally.
Sally Rogers: Ah, that's all right, Mel. I'm only kidding. I'm not that desperate, yet. But, listen, if he comes back, tie him to a chair.
Mel Cooley: Sure.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Impractical Joke (#4.16)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: ...I got a treat for everybody.
Mel Cooley: Oh, you're going home?
Buddy Sorrell: Mel, I forgot you were here. Now we can play pin the tail on the donkey.

Sally Rogers: [to a guest] You want some chopped liver?
Buddy Sorrell: Sally, will you stop hostessing?
Sally Rogers: All right. I'm out of it.
Mel Cooley: I am, too.
[to Sally]
Mel Cooley: I'll eat your liver.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It's a Shame She Married Me (#2.29)" (1963)
[New sponsor Jim Darling enters the writers' room]
Rob Petrie: Jim Darling. Excuse me for staring at you, but I've... sure I know you.
Mel Cooley: Well, of course you do. He's one of our nation's most dynamic businessmen.
Buddy Sorrell: Attaboy, Mel. Keep a civil tongue on his boots.

Jim Darling: Uh, you coming, uh, Cooley?
Mel Cooley: Ah, yes, Darling. Uh, JIM!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It Wouldn't Hurt Them to Give Us a Raise (#4.11)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: Well, well, what's bothering Smokey the Bore?
Buddy Sorrell: "Smokey the Boar" - hey, not bad for a self-taught incompetent.

Doug Wesley: [trying to explain Alan Brady's corporate picture] Rob, maybe I can demonstrate it better with the flowers.
Rob Petrie: The flowers?
Doug Wesley: [picking up a vase of fowers] Yeah. Now, this pot is Alan Brady.
Rob Petrie: Good casting.
Doug Wesley: All these flowers are his various enterprises.
Rob Petrie: He has that many flowers, huh?
Doug Wesley: Now this big, lusty, healthy blue flower - that's Ishimoru.
Rob Petrie: [taking the blue flower] Ishimoru... uh, uh - ptpt ptpt - motorcycles.
Doug Wesley: Right, right. Now, this sickly little green flower - that's Tam O'Shanter.
Rob Petrie: [taking the green flower] Tam O'Shanter, uh, coloring books.
Doug Wesley: Right.
Rob Petrie: Got that.
Doug Wesley: Now, this big pink flower - that's Brady Lady.
Rob Petrie: Brady Lady?
Doug Wesley: Brady Lady is owned by Alan's wife.
Rob Petrie: Alan's wife?
Doug Wesley: She pays the band.
Rob Petrie: Alan's wife pays the band?
Doug Wesley: Well, it's a perfectly legitimate loophole, Rob.
[Rob takes the pink flower as Mel enters and exits]
Mel Cooley: Wesley, would you check over these figures and get an answer back to me right away? I've been up here a thousand times: you never gave ME any flowers.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: To Tell or Not to Tell (#1.8)" (1961)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [clutching his temples] Look, I've got a great deal of work to do!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: So go ahead, tear your hair out!

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Say, I just had an idea.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Oh. That makes an even one.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sick Boy and the Sitter (#1.1)" (1961)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, as the producer of this show, once more I must insist that you instruct your staff to show me a little respect.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: We're showing you as little respect as possible.

[Mel invites the writing staff to their boss's party]
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob, indicating Buddy] What about HIM?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: HIM will be there with bells on. If it's cold, I'll wear something warmer.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Twizzle (#1.23)" (1962)
Mel Cooley: [arriving] Sally, I hope you didn't get me up here on a wild goose chase. I want you know you disturbed my dinner.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: We're even. You just disturbed mine.

Mel Cooley: I have a feeling someone's pulling my leg.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Maybe your garter belt's too tight.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I'm No Henry Walden (#2.26)" (1963)
[Mel prepares to bring in Henry Walden and Mrs. Huntington]
Mel Cooley: [excited] Now, uh, I'm gonna bring them in here, and I hope that...
Mel Cooley: [to Buddy] ... none of us does anything that would reflect on the show.
Sally Rogers: Oh, my. Am I reflecting? I must powder my nose.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Mel] Why don't you powder your head?
Mel Cooley: Yuck!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Return of Edwin Carp (#3.27)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: Rob, I've got Arlene Harris locked up.
Sally Rogers: You got her locked up?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, let her out. We need her on the show.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sleeping Brother (#1.27)" (1962)
Mel Cooley: Rob, I just left Alan's office...
Buddy Sorrell: I wish you just left THIS one.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Day in the Life of Alan Brady (#5.25)" (1966)
Mel Cooley: Is he wearing makeup?
Buddy Sorrell: I have a blemish.
Mel Cooley: You ARE a blemish.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is Not a Drunk (#2.6)" (1962)
Mel Cooley: Rob. Rob, what're you doing?
Rob Petrie: There is... there is a girl suffocating in-n-n my jacket.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Coast to Coast Big Mouth (#5.1)" (1965)
Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel.
Mel Cooley: Yes, sir.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I'd Rather Be Bald Than Have No Head at All (#3.31)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: [to Rob] Now, look, first of all, you're not going bald. And even if you were, a man doesn't become less attractive just because he's bald. Some men are MORE attractive.
Mel Cooley: [entering] Rob...
Buddy Sorrell: You just lost your argument.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Surprise Surprise Is a Surprise (#2.30)" (1963)
Mel Cooley: Did you want to see me Rob? I've only got a second.
Buddy Sorrell: A second with you is like a year with an ugly mob.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: One Hundred Terrible Hours (#4.30)" (1965)
Alan Brady: [as Rob and Laura weep together uncontrollably] Mel, what're YOU doing?
Mel Cooley: [weeping sympathetically] I can't stand to see a grown man cry.
Alan Brady: [panicked] You're not gonna catch me!
[Alan flees the room]

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: What's in a Middle Name? (#2.7)" (1962)
[the staff learns Laura and Rob will be having a baby]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey-hey-hey, what are you going to call the kid?
Mel Cooley: Well, since he'll be born while you're working on The Alan Brady Show, why don't you consider - Alan?
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't you consider playing in the traffic?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Uncle George (#3.8)" (1963)
Mel Cooley: Uh, if Alan doesn't have that script by four o'clock, he's gonna start tearing his hair out.
Buddy Sorrell: [looking at Mel's bald head] Kind of makes you sad, doesn't it?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Meershatz Pipe (#1.10)" (1961)
Mel Cooley: [stopping a sick Rob from entering the office] Just a moment! Where do you think you're going?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: To my office, naturally.
Mel Cooley: As producer of this show, I forbid you to enter this office. You're contagious.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Contagious?
Mel Cooley: "The Alan Brady Show" goes on the air tomorrow night. I am not going to risk Alan's health by allowing you to come in contact with him.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I came here to write for him, not to kiss him.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Boy #1, Boy #2 (#4.19)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: How do you like directing, Mel.
Mel Cooley: Well, if things weren't so hectic I might say I'd found my niche.
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't you scratch it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who and Where Was Antonio Stradivarius? (#3.7)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: So long, Mel. See you tomorrow at noon.
Mel Cooley: Noon? You always come in that late?
Sally Rogers: Well, don't forget, I go home early.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Odd But True (#5.8)" (1965)
Mel Cooley: Mother Nature never shocks me.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, it sure must have shocked your father and mother.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Alan Brady Show Presents (#3.13)" (1963)
Mel Cooley: What is it that everyone says The Alan Brady Show lacks?
Buddy Sorrell: A good producer.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Racy Tracy Rattigan (#2.27)" (1963)
Mel Cooley: Tracy, you're in good hands now and I'll leave. If there's anything you want, just call me.
Buddy Sorrell: I'll tell you what to call him.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Life and Love of Joe Coogan (#3.17)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: Come on, Mel, I'll drive you home.
Mel Cooley: I brought my own car.
Buddy Sorrell: Then drive ME home. I took a bus.
Mel Cooley: [indicating his bald head] All right. No cracks about, uh...
Buddy Sorrell: I... I never make remarks about anybody who's driving a car that contains my body.
Mel Cooley: Can I make sure of that?
Buddy Sorrell: Ask any bald-headed cab driver in New York.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Obnoxious, Offensive Egomaniac Etc (#5.26)" (1966)
Mel Cooley: It's my sister's house, and I'm welcome there any time that Alan's not home.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Word a Day (#1.20)" (1962)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [about the dirty word Ritchie said] I wish I knew where Ritch was picking that stuff up, and from whom.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [pointing to Buddy] When was the last time he was at your house?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Look, beach-head, I don't use bad language in front of children, but in your case, I'll make an exception.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Children can be a problem, can't they, Rob? At home *and* at the office.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: They sure can.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: When a Bowling Pin Talks, Listen (#2.32)" (1963)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Alan, why don't you call Spunky and offer to buy the material from him?
Alan Brady: Why don't you shut up and hand me the phone?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Two Showoffs and Me (#4.13)" (1964)
[Mel enters]
Buddy Sorrell: Speaking of smoothly, here's old level-head.
Mel Cooley: [to Rob] Will you please tell Chicken Little he's wanted in the hen house?
Buddy Sorrell: "Chicken Little?" Hey, he's shaarp. This guy got a... a trigger brain - but I think the gun jammed.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Am My Brother's Keeper (#1.26)" (1962)
Stacey Petrie: [to Mel] Whadda you wanna hear, Mr. Burford?
Mel Cooley: H-h-how about something classical?
Stacey Petrie: Good enough. Something classical. How 'bout the Hungarian Rhapsody by Goulash?
Mel Cooley: Oh, Goulash is a stew.
Stacey Petrie: Well, I don't care how much he drinks. He writes good music.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Hustling the Hustler (#2.5)" (1962)
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: I hope I'm not disturbing anything.
Buddy Sorrell: No, I was expecting a headache anyway.