Sally Rogers
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Sally Rogers (Character)
from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" (1961)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Romance, Roses and Rye Bread (#4.6)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Nah, it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says, "It's better to get a rose from a casual friend than to get a can of succotash from a hoodlum."

[Sally discovers a single red rose in her desk]
Rob Petrie: I think you've got a secret admirer, huh?
Sally Rogers: Secret admirer?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, you know, like those guys who send, uh, a dozen roses to chorus girls.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but I'm not a chorus girl.
Buddy Sorrell: That's why you only got one.

Rob Petrie: Hey, wait a minute. This rose DOES have kind of a manly smell about it. What... what is it, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: [smelling Sally's rose] Pastrami.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. That's what it is. It's pastrami.
Sally Rogers: Well, there's our first clue. My secret admirer loves pastrami.
Buddy Sorrell: Either that or this flower was pollinated by a kosher bee.

Sally Rogers: [trying to learn the source of her rose] Mel, Mel? Um, you have a garden, don't you?
Mel Cooley: It's my hobby.
Sally Rogers: [presenting her flower] Do you know anything about that?
Mel Cooley: [taking and appraising it] Why yes. It's a rose.
[Mel hands it back and exits]
Buddy Sorrell: We shoulda called him earlier.

Sally Rogers: Bert, uh, did you say you know about who left the rose here? Did you see the guy?
Bert Monker: It was a little token of love to the Cleopatra of Comedy from the Caesar of Sandwiches, to the Juliet of Jokes from the Romeo of Rye. Don't... don't you know who?

Sally Rogers: [disappointed] Oh, the mystery is solved, but I kinda wish the butler did it.

Sally Rogers: And, um, thank you very, very much for the rose.
Bert Monker: Did... Did you really like it?
Sally Rogers: LIKE it? I'm gonna take this rose home and crush it between two pieces of rye bread.

Sally Rogers: That's the story of my life. I'm surrounded by funny guys. You know, just once, just once, I'd like to meet a guy who only knew one punch line, "Will you mary me?"
Buddy Sorrell: That's a straight line.
Sally Rogers: I'll take it. No, I mean it, I mean it. I don't care, even if he's not in show business or knows nothing about comedy, is a dull, bland, unfunny guy.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Mel] Don't just stand there - volunteer.

Rob Petrie: [seeing their typed script pages rejected] Did Alan, uh, crumple those?
Sally Rogers: Yep, that's Alan's crumple.

Sally Rogers: Well, what's more important, my life or your liver?

Bert Monker: I would climb mountains, swim oceans, cross deserts for you. Lucky, I only had to take the subway.
Sally Rogers: That's a little more dangerous than the other three.

Bert Monker: You know somthin', I... I, uh... I had a birthday last week.
Sally Rogers: Oh, really? Why didn't you tell us?
Bert Monker: Well, when a man gets to be my age, he... doesn't like to tell. It's a shock to his system.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, I know. I had that shock the first time I was twenty-nine.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Dear Sally Rogers (#5.21)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: You've done the Stevie Parsons show a dozen times. Why are you suddenly afraid?
Sally Rogers: I know, Rob, but I've used up all my best stories.
Buddy Sorrell: So dazzle 'em with your beauty.
Sally Rogers: Ah, thanks, Buddy. I don't need flattery. I need a joke.
Buddy Sorrell: That WAS a joke.

Sally Rogers: Not a man. It's Herman Glimscher.

Sally Rogers: I'll advertise for a husband on television. Funny?
Rob Petrie: Well, I... I... That's not what Buddy... That's not...
Rob Petrie: [to Buddy] You didn't mean THAT, did you?
Buddy Sorrell: If it's funny, I meant it.

Stevie Parsons: Are the fellas all still chasing you around?
Sally Rogers: Well, I don't wanna say anything, but coming down on the subway, I had to change my seat five times.
Stevie Parsons: Some guy got fresh with you?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, finally.

Sally Rogers: Men, I wanna tell you about an exciting new product - me!
Stevie Parsons: That's, uh... that's-that's not a new product.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, that's why I'm trying to get it off the shelf.

Sally Rogers: Fellas, if you're dull, uninteresting, unattractive, chances are we've already met; but, if you're of voting age - better make that twice voting age...
Stevie Parsons: Yes.
Sally Rogers: ...and if you still haven't found the ideal girl, why don't you give up and try me? Just sit down and write yourself a marriage proposal and send it to S.O.S. - that's me, Sweet Old Sal - care of this program. All proposals will be judged impartially by one - me.

Sally Rogers: Hey, did you fellas see a sack of mail?
[Mel enters]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, will you settle for a tub of lard?

Rob Petrie: [as Sally begins sorting through her sack of mail] Whoa! You're not gonna read 'em NOW?
Sally Rogers: Whoa, you're not gonna try and stop me, are you? My future may be in this bag.
Buddy Sorrell: That's what I said the first time I saw my wife.

Herman Glimscher: What's that, the mail?
Sally Rogers: No, it's confetti with a thyroid condition.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Big Max Calvada (#3.9)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: What is big and green and, um, has a big trunk?
Buddy Sorrell: An unripe elephant.

[Bernard reaches into his coat's inside breast pocket]
Sally Rogers: [figuring it's a gun, shouts... ] THIS IS IT!
[Buddy, Sally and Rob dive for the floor]

Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, I got a feeling this kid's the worst comic since the history of show business.
Sally Rogers: Wait a minute. Don't forget I saw YOU.
Buddy Sorrell: I'm willing to bet you ten bucks he's worse than I ever was.
Sally Rogers: I'll take that bet.
[They shake hands on it]
Kenny Dexter: [entering, imitating James Cagney] All right, you dirty rats, just gimme the jokes, because I got a rod in my pocket, see, and it's curtains for you. It's a curtain rod.
[Sally glumly plants a ten dollar bill in Buddy's hand]

Rob Petrie: Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny?
Kenny Dexter: Yeah, I've been taking voice lessons for three and a half weeks.
Sally Rogers: He's ready, then.

Rob Petrie: [realizing] Big Max Calvada...
Sally Rogers: I, uh, wonder why he's waitin' to see you.
Rob Petrie: [with growing dread] Because I TOLD him to wait.

[Nervously, Rob tries to discuss working for Max Calvada privately with Buddy and Sally while Max stands nearby very obviously listening to them]
Rob Petrie: [fearing for their lives] Hey, Sal, whadda you think?
Sally Rogers: Well, um, er, gosh, Rob. I-I-I don't know. What do you think, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, sh - sure. I agree with Rob.
Rob Petrie: Well, there's... uh, there's one thing we... another... that we got to consider is money, you know, because we already have a job.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, The Alan Brady Show.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, we... we've got an exclu... exclusive contract.
Sally Rogers: Yeah.
Rob Petrie: That's right.
Max Calvada: That could be worked out.
Rob Petrie: Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.
Sally Rogers: I think so.
Buddy Sorrell: I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.
Max Calvada: He knows ME.
Rob Petrie: And I suppose that, uh, Alan knows him, too.
Sally Rogers: Oh, sure.
Rob Petrie: Then there's the matter of money. We're gonna have to charge an awful lot of money.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: A fortune. Don't forget, there's three of us.
Buddy Sorrell: We get a lot of loot for three. Right.
Max Calvada: Money is no object.
Rob Petrie: I would imagine the money's probably no object.

Max Calvada: He's openin' at the Diamond Club.
Sally Rogers: The Diamond Club?
Rob Petrie: Uh, you weren't, uh, thinking of opening Kenny at the Diamond Club, were you?
Max Calvada: Who's not thinkin' of it?
Rob Petrie: Mr. Calvada, I... I tell you, the Diamond Spot is-is one of the-the top spots around, and-and Kenny... Well, I mean, gifted as he may be, is-is an unknown.
Max Calvada: [not to be argued with] I know 'im. And coincidentally, the performer who is currently appearing there... took sick - next week.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ghost of A. Chantz (#4.2)" (1964)
[Sally walks out in a robe with her hair covered by a hairnet]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [Reacts in fright] Ah! Oh!
Sally Rogers: What's with you?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Sally, Sallly, we've-we've been working together five years. I never knew you looked like that.
Sally Rogers: Like what?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Like my wife.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All I know is that there's someone that wants us to leave here.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, yeah, me, me!
Sally Rogers: Look, Rob, I'm with Buddy. This is getting to be like a bad horror movie. All we're missing is Vincent Price and the thunder and the lightning.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I'm scared!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, I agree that we should leave here, but let's not lose our heads now.
[Buddy and Sally open the door to leave, thunder and lightning start, they come back in and put down their bags]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: All that's missing now is Vincent Price.
[There is a knock on the bedroom door and it opens by itself]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: The door's open, the door's open.
Sally Rogers: [nervously] Vincent?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [all piled into the hide-a-bed] Anybody asleep?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You nuts?
Sally Rogers: Who could sleep?
Laura Petrie: I am fast awake.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: My heart's beating so hard it's gonna knock the covers off.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, it's been over two hours now and nothing strange or unusual has happened.
Sally Rogers: No? What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed with their clothes on?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Ghosts, ghosts! That's what it was! This place is haunted like they said.
Sally Rogers: Who said? A ghost haunted? Who said?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Rob!
Laura Petrie: Rob?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I didn't.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: He did!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It isn't!
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: It is!
Laura Petrie: Well, is it?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I never said...
Sally Rogers: Well, who?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who who who? It's what he says!
Laura Petrie: Did you?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I didn't. No, the guy I saw...
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, yeah, there was a guy told Rob that the... that the place is haunted! And he says there's a guy got murdered here and he's coming back and he's gonna get all of us!
Sally Rogers: Who?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who? That's the ghost with the mustache!

Sally Rogers: Those guys have been acting strange all evening, I wonder what's with them?
Laura Petrie: I think Buddy's just homesick, he probably misses Pickles.
Sally Rogers: Well what's with Rob?
Laura Petrie: He misses me.
Sally Rogers: Hey Laura, I can go sleep on the porch.

Laura Petrie: Move over, sissy, your ma is tired.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, your dad's good looking but we're still not getting a room.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Gunslinger (#5.31)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: I once rode with Brady.
Sally Rogers: When?
Rob Petrie: When I was a gunslinger.
Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger?
Rob Petrie: Yep.
Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger turned sheriff?
Rob Petrie: No, my last job was parson.
Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger turned parson?
Rob Petrie: No, when I quit being a gunslinger, I became a singer.
Sally Rogers: A slinger turned singer.
Rob Petrie: I hated all that violence, so I became a singer in a saloon.
Buddy Sorrell: A singin' parson!
Rob Petrie: No, parson came later. Folks didn't like my singin', so I became a dancer. Then a rancher.
Sally Rogers: A slinger-singer turned rancher-dancer.

Sally Rogers: When you became sheriff, you swore you'd get Brady, right?
Rob Petrie: No, I swore to get Brady when I was a dancer - but, then, what can a dancer do to anybody?

Sally Rogers: So, why'd you swear to get 'im?
Rob Petrie: 'Cause I wanted to rid the west of everything that's mean and corrupt and ugly.
Buddy Sorrell: Then you better save one of them bullets for my wife.

Buddy Sorrell: Sheriff, you keep forgettin' you ain't got no guns.
Mel Cooley: A sheriff without guns?
Rob Petrie: When I quit bein' a gunslinger, I hung up my guns. I ain't wore 'em since.
Sally Rogers: You gave up gun fighting?
Rob Petrie: No, I forgot where I hung 'em.

Sally Rogers: Are ya skeered, Sheriff?
Rob Petrie: Miss Sally, I don't know the meanin' of the word "scared." "Terrified," "panic-stricken" - I know all of THOSE words.

Laura Petrie: [as Sheriff Rob lays shot] Somebody call the doctor.
Sally Rogers: All right, all right, all right.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!
Sally Rogers: [calling outside the saloon doors] Hey, Doc! Doc!
Buddy Sorrell: We don't have no doctor in this town. All we got's a dentist.
Sally Rogers: Hey, Dent! Dent!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Pen Is Mightier Than the Mouth (#3.21)" (1964)
Stevie Parsons: All kidding aside, would you, uh, really like to get married?
Sally Rogers: Would I like to get ma... Do kangaroos like kumquats?
Stevie Parsons: Well, I don't know.
Sally Rogers: Well, I don't know either. That's their problem. My problem is I wanna get married.

Sally Rogers: Listen, if any of you out there have a lazy brother, an unemployed uncle or a nutty nephew, you send 'em to me!
Stevie Parsons: Okay, folks, you can mail those photos to...
Sally Rogers: What photos? Send THEM. The zip code number's 7439824002.
Stevie Parsons: Oh, my g... Sally, sorry, but we just run out of time.
Sally Rogers: Well, wait a minute. I haven't finished zipping my code.

Rob Petrie: You're not going back on there again?
Sally Rogers: What, I thought you said you liked me last night.
Rob Petrie: We loved ya last night, but all day we couldn't stand ya.

Sally Rogers: Listen, you know that after the show, that switchboard was flooded!
Buddy Sorrell: What happened? The sink in the washroom overflow?

Rob Petrie: All right, we'll finish Alan's monologue, then we'll go to work on yours. Is that good enough?
Sally Rogers: Oh, perfect, but would you mind writing mine first, please?
Buddy Sorrell: Why should we write yours first?
Sally Rogers: Well, Alan doesn't have to go to the beauty parlor, and Alan doesn't have to buy a new dress.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, he should. The one he's got is very shabby.

Sally Rogers: [as she exits] I love you both!
Buddy Sorrell: [muttering] "I love you both." Boy, I wish she wouldn't have said that.
Rob Petrie: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, because I feel guilty, uh, you know, hatin' somebody that loves me.
Rob Petrie: Oh, I think that's kind of childish, Buddy.
Buddy Sorrell: You mean you don't hate her?
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, but I don't feel guilty about it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Secret Life of Buddy and Sally (#2.10)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: Well, one more joke and we can call it a week.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, one more weak joke and we can call it a month.

Sally Rogers: He knows!
Buddy Sorrell: He knows, he knows, but he don't know WHAT he knows, and we're gonna keep it that way.

Sally Rogers, Buddy Sorrell: We'll make a deal with all you folks, here's all you have to do:
Sally Rogers: Don't tell a soul you saw us here.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, we won't tell 'em we saw you.

Sally Rogers: How do you tune up pot covers?

[Listening at the door, Rob's worst fears are confirmed]
Sally Rogers: He know. He knows we're keeping a secret from him. I think we ought to tell him.
Buddy Sorrell: No, no, he thinks we're writing for some other show. Let him.
Sally Rogers: I still think we ought to tell him!
Buddy Sorrell: Why?
Sally Rogers: Well, I just feel guilty about the whole thing, that's all.
Buddy Sorrell: Ah, guilty, schmilty. We had a wonderful weekend, didn't we?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, I gotta admit we did.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, and next week it'll be even better. You'll see.
Sally Rogers: You know, Buddy, I've been to Herbie's Hiawatha Lodge before, but it was never any fun. You being there made all the difference in the world.
Buddy Sorrell: Hah, you're my favorite female, kiddo. Hey-hey-hey, n-n-next weekend, just you and me again, huh, baby?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but, Buddy, what about your wife?
Buddy Sorrell: Eh, I'll get rid of her.

Sally Rogers: [examining a tomahawk] There's some old indian folklore burnt in on this handle.
Buddy Sorrell: What does it say?
Sally Rogers: I gotta know...
Buddy Sorrell: I gotta know.
Sally Rogers: like a band...
Buddy Sorrell: Is like a band.
Sally Rogers: ...Anna.
Buddy Sorrell: Anna.
Sally Rogers: Now say the whole thing.
Buddy Sorrell: I got a nose like a banana.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Jilting the Jilter (#2.31)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Rob, I wanna thank you for introducing me to the sweetest, most honest guy I've ever met.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Rob] I thought you told me you introduced her to Freddy White.
Rob Petrie: I did.

Laura Petrie: Well, where'd you two have dinner?
Freddy White: At the Plush Pheasant.
Rob Petrie: Plush Pheasant? That's kind of classy, isn't it?
Freddy White: I hope to kiss a rhino. You know what it cost for dinner for two? Forty-one dollars, not including the tip.
Sally Rogers: Ah, what'd you tell 'em for?
Freddy White: Well, why not? Listen, I've never met a girl before that took me to such expensive places.

Sally Rogers: Hey, does this sound like a murder threat or did I just hear a marriage proposal?
Rob Petrie: I don't know. I think either way you're dead.

Sally Rogers: Now, you know what they say about the love of a good woman.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, it keeps you from bowling on Thursday night.

Freddy White: Oh, you're one in a million!
Sally Rogers: Yeah, those are my usual odds.

Sally Rogers: If I play my cards right, that boy is gonna be the future Mr. Sally Rogers.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Scratch My Car and Die (#3.26)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you ever see one of those Tarantulas?
Sally Rogers: No.
Buddy Sorrell: They are built so close to the ground, if you wanna get in you gotta come up through a manhole.

Buddy Sorrell: You let Laura drive your new bedbug?
Sally Rogers: Tarantella.
Rob Petrie: Tarantula.
Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Sally Rogers: ALL women are wonderful drivers! It's just that those men-designers have done everything they can to confuse us. First, they put the starter on the dashboard, then they put it on the floor next to the accelerator, then it's on the left, then it's on the right. First, they put the stick shift on the floor, then they put it on the wheel and it's "automatic," then they put it between the two seats an it's NOT "automatic." Do you know that I once pushed in a cigarette lighter on the highway and I went in reverse?

[Rob's highly agitated over finding a scratch on his new car]
Sally Rogers: Well, Rob, take it easy. It's only paint. It'll heal.

Buddy Sorrell: [overhearing Rob] Beautiful, fast and quiet? Impossible! There's no such woman!
Buddy Sorrell: [to Sally] Hey, what's he talkin' about?
Sally Rogers: [gesturing to Rob] Fell in love with a Tarantula.
Buddy Sorrell: So what? I married one.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Uncle George (#3.8)" (1963)
[Rob and Buddy and Sally try to think of where they could find an elderly lady for Rob's widowed Uncle George to settle down with]
Rob Petrie: What about your Aunt Agnes?
Sally Rogers: Oh, no. You know what Aunt Agnes says about men.
Rob Petrie: No.
Sally Rogers: "Man is like the drifting snow. It comes down in small flurries and piles up against the door, and before long you can't get out of the house."

Rob Petrie: Herman, I wanna give you this straight: we brought your mother here to introduce her to a man.
Herman Glimscher: A man?
Sally Rogers: Mm.
Herman Glimscher: Who?
Laura Petrie: Well, it's Rob's Uncle George. He's visiting here form Danville and he wanted to meet some nice lady.
Sally Rogers: And we couldn't find any, so we invited your mother.

Herman Glimscher: Please, please, keep your voices down.
Rob Petrie: Are we shouting?
Herman Glimscher: No, but Mother's got marvelous ears. She hears everything.
Sally Rogers: Mm, I think she's got transistors in her teeth.

Rob Petrie: D'you think Mrs. Glimscher would like a mustache?
Sally Rogers: No, I don't think so. She keeps shaving hers off.

Uncle George: [long and protractedly] Hellooooo, little golden dove!
Sally Rogers: [mimicking] Hellooooo, big silver bird.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Meershatz Pipe (#1.10)" (1961)
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [the writing staff noticed that the pipe is made of ivory and are trying to finish "The Alan Brady Show" with a joke] Oh, ivory! Beautiful! Finish it with an ivory joke, at the piano, right?
Sally Rogers: Yeah.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: He sits and he looks at the keys; he says, "Do you realize that it takes two elephants to make the keys for a piano like this?" And the guest star says, "My, I didn't know those big brutes did such delicate work."

[first lines]
Sally Rogers: ...and Alan says, ah, "Good night, folks, and remember, if you ever find yourself in hot water, take a bath."
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Good! Good, I like it.
Sally Rogers: Good.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, wait a minute!
Sally Rogers: What?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: We can't do it.
Sally Rogers: Why?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Did it last week.
Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah, that's where I heard it.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Rob! How do you feel?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm fide!
Sally Rogers: Fine? You look like an ad for "Send this boy to camp."
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I don' wanna go to ca'p!

Sally Rogers: You mean Alan didn't give you that pipe?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Alan give ME a present? It aggravates him to give me my salary.

Sally Rogers: You mean to tell me that all that jazz about Lazslo Meershatz and the pipe, you just made that up to make us both feel like second bananas?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: Good thinking!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Where You Been, Fassbinder? (#1.25)" (1962)
Ritchie Petrie: Where's YOUR husband?
Sally Rogers: Uh, mine? I haven't got one.
Ritchie Petrie: Why don't you get one?
Rob & Laura: [together] Say goodnight, Ritchie.
Ritchie Petrie: [swiftly carried off to bed] Byyyyyyye!

Sally Rogers: I've got all the advantages of marriage: I got a tea kettle that whistles, a parrot that talks too much and a cat that stays out all night. Who needs a husband?

Mel Cooley: Oh, Sally, that reminds me, there was a fella here earlier looking for you.
Sally Rogers: You didn't let him get away, did ya?
Mel Cooley: Well, you weren't here.
Sally Rogers: Well, what's his name?
Mel Cooley: Why, I didn't catch it.
Sally Rogers: Well, did he leave a number?
Mel Cooley: No, but he said you probably wouldn't know him.
Sally Rogers: Well, did he leave a note?
Mel Cooley: No.
Sally Rogers: A fingerprint? A laundry mark? A shaving lotion smell? SOMETHING!
Mel Cooley: Nothing. I'm sorry, Sally.
Sally Rogers: Ah, that's all right, Mel. I'm only kidding. I'm not that desperate, yet. But, listen, if he comes back, tie him to a chair.
Mel Cooley: Sure.

Leo Fassbinder: Ah, little Sally Rogers... You know, in all these years you haven't changed a bit?
Sally Rogers: Well, neither have you. Well, what else should we lie about?

Sally Rogers: Do you like boiled octopus?
Leo Fassbinder: No.
Sally Rogers: Good, 'cause we got baked lasagna.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Nice, Friendly Game of Cards (#3.18)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Boy, look at all the fun I missed. And I, like a dope, went to the dog show.
Buddy Sorrell: D'you win anything?

Buddy Sorrell: He just thinks Rob is a crook.
Sally Rogers: Well, why does he think he was a crook?
Jerry Helper: Well, because he accused Rob of slipping a deck of marked cards into our poker game.
Sally Rogers: Marked cards? Well, why would he think that?
Buddy Sorrell: Because that's what Rob did.

Sally Rogers: Look, is somebody gonna tell me what's going on or do I have to hear the dirty version from the kids in the street?

Sally Rogers: Hey, uh, what was going on? Who was that?
Laura Petrie: Oh, his name is Lou Gregory and he's a very ungracious man. Hi, Sally.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A little suspicious, too. Hi Sal.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Jerry Helper: Well, you can't blame him. He used to be an assistant district attorney. Hi, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Hi, Jer. Well, what was he doing here?
Millie Helper: He's a patient of Jerry's and we invited him over for a nice, frienly evening. Hi, Sal.

Sally Rogers: Look, if I don't get all the gory details of this, I'm goin' back to the dog show.
Buddy Sorrell: You still won't win anything.
Sally Rogers: Oh, shut up.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Boarder Incident (#1.21)" (1962)
[Rob is taking Buddy home to spend the night in Pickles' absence, against Sally's worry that they won't get along well]
Sally Rogers: All right. All right. I now pronounce you man and guest, but remember one thing: John Wilkes Booth once shared a room with Lincoln.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, he did not.
Sally Rogers: I know, but I hate to lose an argument.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I miss my wife.
Sally Rogers: Aw.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Go ahead and laugh. It's funny.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: We've not laughin'.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, Buddy, you know we never laugh at anything you say.

Sally Rogers: Look, fellas, I once shared an apartment with some very close friends and it just didn't work out. We fought all the time.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who was it?
Sally Rogers: My mother and father.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Where you been, Sal?
Sally Rogers: Well, where would I be at this hour? I was window shopping at the YMCA.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sally Is a Girl (#1.13)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: Hey, Mel? How about a little poker game Thursday night?
Mel Cooley: Oh, fine. Who're the players gonna be? No women, I hope.
Sally Rogers: Nyah!
Rob Petrie: No, just Buddy, me and Sally.
Mel Cooley: Count on me.

Sally Rogers: [carrying a typewriter] Hey, Buddy, gimme a hand.
[Buddy applauds]

Rob Petrie: Hey, Sal, you smell GOOD today.
Sally Rogers: I do?
Buddy Sorrell: Why not? The best Bay Rum money can buy.

Rob Petrie: Sally, you know, you have wonderful taste. That's a beautiful blouse you're wearing this morning there.
Sally Rogers: You like it? It's yours.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Talk to the Snail (#5.24)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Now, Herman Glimscher will forgive you if you're a few minutes late.
Sally Rogers: That's fine, except I'm going out with Douglas Bedlork.
Rob Petrie: Who's that, a new fella?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, brand new. I don't think he's ever been used before.
Buddy Sorrell: You know somethin', those second-hand guys that look like new can't be trusted.

Rob Petrie: I didn't know you were bringing someone.
Sally Rogers: I didn't. I brought Doug.

Sally Rogers: Alan, uh, how'd you find out about Claude Wilber?
Alan Brady: Wilber's dummy told my dummy.
Rob Petrie: Jellybean called Mel? I'm sorry, Mel.

Rob Petrie: We're not in any trouble. According to a very well-known authority, a handshake with a snail is not legally binding.
Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah? Who said that?
Rob Petrie: Walt Disney.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Curious Thing About Women (#1.16)" (1962)
[Buddy and Sally try to think a philosophical statement for Alan Brady to say at the end of the upcoming show]
Sally Rogers: Hey! I got an idea for a line. My Aunt Agnes used to have a saying that went, uh, "If your heart is where the sky is bluest, then the sound of winter's twilight will be your friend."
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Your aunt said that?
Sally Rogers: Yeah... and every time I think of it, I want to cry.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Why?
Sally Rogers: Because I think my Aunt Agnes is a nut.

Sally Rogers: Hey, I got it! Don't anybody move!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What, what?
Sally Rogers: Ah, ya moved! I forgot it!

Sally Rogers: What's a matter with fifteen?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Thirty-two's a funnier number.
Sally Rogers: Since when?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Thirty-two has ALWAYS been a funnier number! I hear thirty-two, I get hysterical! Watch.
[turns to Rob]
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Try me.
Rob Petrie: Thirty-two.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoooo!
Sally Rogers: Well, I gotta admit he's right.

Rob Petrie: Hey, I got it!
Sally Rogers: What? What?
Rob Petrie: Cut the hair.
Sally Rogers, Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [together] Cut the hair!
Rob Petrie: It's a boat!
Sally Rogers: A boat with hair?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Blonde-Haired Brunette (#1.2)" (1961)
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, whatever happened to all those perspective bridegrooms you used to have hangin' around here?
Sally Rogers: Oh, they're still around.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah?
Sally Rogers: There's Doubting Charlie, there's...
Buddy Sorrell: Doubting Charlie?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, he keeps proposing and I keep saying yes but he just won't BELIEVE me.

Sally Rogers: Don't you know our chief well enough by now? When he's sick, he works harder; when he broods, it's one of two things: one, he had a fight with Laura, or two, Laura had a fight with him.
Buddy Sorrell: True or false?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: True.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, what was the beef about?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I don't know. We didn't fight long enough for me to find out.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, one of those.
[mocking voice]
Buddy Sorrell: "And if you don't know..."
Buddy Sorrell, Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [in unison] "... I'm certainly not going to tell you!"

[Rob's co-writers are trying to figure why Rob is depressed]
Buddy Sorrell: How about presents?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Presents?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, like for special occasions.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, like what?
Buddy Sorrell: Birthday, anniversary...
Sally Rogers: Uh, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day...
Buddy Sorrell: Bastille Day, Rosh Hashanah...
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, except for Bastille Day and Rosh Hashanah, I think I'm all squared away.

[Buddy and Sally are leaving the office after work]
Sally Rogers: Tally-ho!
Buddy Sorrell: Holy-tal!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I'm No Henry Walden (#2.26)" (1963)
[Mel prepares to bring in Henry Walden and Mrs. Huntington]
Mel Cooley: [excited] Now, uh, I'm gonna bring them in here, and I hope that...
Mel Cooley: [to Buddy] ... none of us does anything that would reflect on the show.
Sally Rogers: Oh, my. Am I reflecting? I must powder my nose.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Mel] Why don't you powder your head?
Mel Cooley: Yuck!

Sally Rogers: Isn't that funny? I just remembered I have to go home and wash my cat.
Buddy Sorrell: You washed your cat last night.
Sally Rogers: So I'll iron him.

Rob Petrie: Thank you very much but I know very little about the, uh, early history of American humor.
Buddy Sorrell: Don't look at me. I don't even know the name of Paul Revere's horse.
Sally Rogers: Chicken, son of Flicka.

Henry Walden: I enjoy your work immensely.
Sally Rogers: You enjoy OUR work?
Henry Walden: Yes, I have for years.
Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute. You a poet or a politician?
Henry Walden: Oh, politician, eh? All right, let's see... Buddy Sorrell. Before Alan Brady, you wrote for The Billy Barrow Show, and before that, in early television, you were the very fine MC for an absolutely terrible program called Buddy's Band.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, wow! Memories!
Henry Walden: And, uh, Sally Rogers, you were on the staff of The Milton Berle Show. And before that...
Sally Rogers: Whoops! Before that I was a pom pom girl at Herbert Hoover High.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Buddy, Can You Spare a Job? (#1.14)" (1961)
Sally Rogers: [to Buddy] Well, it's just like my mother always says: The sun isn't always shining just because there are sparrows.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: What's that supposed to mean?
Sally Rogers: I don't know, but ain't it pretty?

[Mel has told Rob and Sally, after Buddy had been transferred to a different TV studio, that they can use another third writer for their team besides Buddy]
Rob Petrie: Doggone, if only Buddy hadn't been so nasty.
Sally Rogers: Oh, he couldn't have been nastier if he made a living at it.
Rob Petrie: [thinking] Make a living at it?
[He brightens up]
Rob Petrie: Sally, that's it! Let's hire somebody nastier than Buddy.
Sally Rogers: I thought Jack the Ripper was dead.

Sally Rogers: [to Rob] Suppose Mel recognizes him? He might have seen him in a nightclub.
Jackie Brewster: Heh! Don't worry about that, Sal. You know what happens when they introduce me in a nightclub? The guy comes out and says, "Here's Jackie Brewster," and the whole audience says, "Who's he?" I mean, more people know me as Who's He than Jackie Brewster.

Sally Rogers: I don't think Mel's been ANYplace.
Jackie Brewster: Well, how'd he get to be a big TV producer?
Sally Rogers: Easy. He married the star's sister.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I'd Rather Be Bald Than Have No Head at All (#3.31)" (1964)
[Alan has approved this week's script]
Sally Rogers: Oh, good, good, then who's the surprise guest.
Rob Petrie: Are you ready? Ricard Vincente.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I love him!
Buddy Sorrell: That's no surprise.
Rob Petrie: That's right. Half the women in the country love him.
Buddy Sorrell: [boasting] Well, I happen to know his secret.
Sally Rogers: You do? Why don't you use it?

Sally Rogers: [to Rob] Now, look, first of all, you're not going bald. And even if you were, a man doesn't become less attractive just because he's bald. Some men are MORE attractive.
Mel Cooley: [entering] Rob...
Buddy Sorrell: You just lost your argument.

Sally Rogers: Well, if you use salad dressing, you can't expect to grow meatloaf.
Laura Petrie: Now you'll have to sleep with your head in the refrigerator.

Buddy Sorrell: [helping Sally wind up a ball of yarn] Who you knittin' this for, King Kong?
Sally Rogers: I'm not knittin' anything.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, what is that?
Sally Rogers: It's a wool bowling ball. Can't stand noise.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Square Triangle (#2.25)" (1963)
[Millie is dying to share Laura's secret with Sally]
Laura Petrie: I thought you were so good at keeping secrets!
Millie Helper: Well, I am, but so is Sally. Aren't you, Sally? I bet they could cut off your arms and legs and throw you off a cliff.
Sally Rogers: [eagerly] Yeah, they did and I never talked. Now what is it?

Jacques Savon: Oh, you Americans! You are so, uh... romantic. Now, someone looks, uh, cockeyed at you and immediately you think it's love. Well, I make a pass in fun with every woman I meet.
Sally Rogers: Well, you haven't with me.
Jacques Savon: Wait. Today is young.
Sally Rogers: Well, I'm not. Let's go.

Sally Rogers: Well, look, Jacques, why don't you tell Rob and Laura the truth and make them both happy?
Jacques Savon: No, I think it will make them miserable.
Buddy Sorrell: You mean you're not gonna tell 'em?
Jacques Savon: Nope.
Buddy Sorrell: But... Well, why not?
Jacques Savon: Well, uh-h-h, Laura is a happily married woman - but, uh, she is a woman, and every woman has some, uh, secret memory, a memory that keeps her heart young and her soul warm on cold nights. Is it so?
Sally Rogers: It is so.
Jacques Savon: And I, uh, being a man...
Sally Rogers: Oh, I'll buy that.
Jacques Savon: I know that men need their illusions, too, and no man would like to discover that the, uh, attention that a beautiful woman once gave him was just the same attention she gave with every man. Right, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, don't... don't take away my dreams. After all, the government took everything else.

Millie Helper: [hearing Jacques Savon will be on this week's show] Sally, what's he like?
Sally Rogers: What's he like? Well, he's, uh... buh...
Buddy Sorrell: Well, he's... he's taller and handsomer than I am, but don't forget I'm, uh, shorter and dumpier.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is the Best One (#3.15)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: [brainstorming for a funny idea to a saloon sketch] I got it. I got the joke. You ready? Alan comes in carrying a colt 45.
Sally Rogers: A gun?
Buddy Sorrell: No, a middle-aged horse.

Mel Cooley: Newstime Magazine is going to do a cover story of Alan and, as his writers, they want to know what you think of him.
Sally Rogers: Oh, they can't print THAT in a family magazine.
Mel Cooley: Uh, you can say anything you want as long as you bear in mind that your contracts are coming up for renewal.

Rob Petrie: Look, you guys, I'd like to explain about that article.
Sally Rogers: Oh, what's to explain? It's all down here in black and blue.

Rob Petrie: That's a wonderful joke, Buddy.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh? Well, would you mind signing this?
Rob Petrie: What for?
Buddy Sorrell: It's a receipt for the joke in case anybody asks me what I do around here.
Sally Rogers: Oh, Buddy! Making him sign a receipt. I think that's terrible.
Rob Petrie: Thanks, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Anything we write, we'll just type our initials to it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: You're Under Arrest (#5.13)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Why'd the police call?
Rob Petrie: Well, I think they called because I knocked over a couple of garbage cans.
Buddy Sorrell: Should have knocked over a bank. There's no money in garbage.

Sally Rogers: Pucker up, it's the police.

Sally Rogers: They said that you hit an old lady? Oh, come on. That's ridiculous!
Rob Petrie: Well, boy, someone who drives a car with my license number did.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you drive one of those.

[repeated line]
Sally Rogers: You slept through "The Guns of Navarone?"

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Impractical Joke (#4.16)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Don't you know that wiretapping is illegal?
Phil Franklin: Ahh!
Buddy Sorrell: Well, if you don't turn us in, nobody'll know.

Sally Rogers: [to a guest] You want some chopped liver?
Buddy Sorrell: Sally, will you stop hostessing?
Sally Rogers: All right. I'm out of it.
Mel Cooley: I am, too.
[to Sally]
Mel Cooley: I'll eat your liver.

Buddy Sorrell: Come on, let's be fair. If I know something's coming, I'll worry, but if I don't know, I'll go nuts.
Rob Petrie: [smiling, with a smirk] Oh?
Sally Rogers: Congratulations! General Custer. You just sold some guns to the Indians.

Sally Rogers: Well, you just ruined my coffee.
Buddy Sorrell: And I don't think you're gonna be too choked up about what happened to your prune danish, either.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Word a Day (#1.20)" (1962)
[Sally asks Buddy his opinion on a pair of new shows]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: All right, come on. Sit down.
Sally Rogers: Sit down?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, sit down. Cross your legs. I LIKE 'em!
Sally Rogers: You wouldn't kid me, would you?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Why should I kid ya? I always liked your legs.

[Still seeking Buddy's opinion on a pair of new shoes]
Sally Rogers: Buddy, you REALLY like these?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I really like 'em.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but do you love 'em?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I love 'em.
Sally Rogers: Better than the alligators?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Better than the alligators.
Sally Rogers: Ya sure?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I'm positive!
Sally Rogers: Good! I'll take the alligators.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, what d'ask ME for?
Sally Rogers: 'Cause I value you opinion.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You do?
Sally Rogers: Sure! Your taste is rotten!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Ritchie said a bad word.
Sally Rogers: Well, THAT we gathered.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, what was it? What'd he say?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Can't repeat it in mixed company.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I understand, Rob. Buddy, would you mind leaving the room?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm gonna go home tonight and have a man-to-man talk with my son.
Sally Rogers: Man-to-man? Hey, is Ritchie ready for that?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I think he's ready for it.
Sally Rogers: Are you?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: No.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: There's No Sale Like Wholesale (#4.32)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Last year I was so embarrassed. My cat gave me a better present than I gave him.
Buddy Sorrell: How could that be?
Sally Rogers: I bought him a cheap leather collar and he gave me a beautiful dead mouse.

Sally Rogers: You and your wholesale deals! Any time anybody buys anything, you always say, "Why didn't you call me? I could have gotten it for you wholesale."

Sally Rogers: Rob, if you don't say something, I'm gonna belt the baron.

Buddy Sorrell: Sally, ya happy?
Sally Rogers: Why should I be happy. I didn't get a coat.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Twizzle (#1.23)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: Wait till you hear. I went up to Connecticut this morning to visit my Aunt Agnes. You remember her, Rob. She's the one who says, "It is wise for a poor man to choose the weather, but it's folly for a rich man to choose a poor man."
[Randy Twizzle looks confused]
Sally Rogers: Don't try to figure it out. My Aunt Agnes was born on a hill.

Sally Rogers: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. My Aunt Agnes was right. You know what she said when she saw Randy at the bowling alley? She said, "Sally, you can't tell a book if the title's covered."
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Y'know, I don't feel very good.
Sally Rogers: What?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I don't feel good.
Sally Rogers: Well, what's the matter?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I'm beginning to understand Aunt Agnes.

[Sally and Buddy try identifying Laura's prepared dinner by its smell]
Sally Rogers: [nose in the air, breathing in deeply] Chicken paprikash and wild rice.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Leg of lamb and roast potatoes.
Laura Petrie: Baked lasagna.
Buddy & Sally: [simultaneously to each other] Told you.

Mr. Eisenbauer: We're not interested in money, Mr. Petrie.
Sally Rogers: You don't want more money?
Mr. Eisenbauer: No. As a matter of fact I think they're overpaying Randy as it is.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Wait a minute. You mean you want the kid to work for LESS money?
Mr. Eisenbauer: I really don't care.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Hey, this guy sounds like my agent!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: All About Eavesdropping (#3.5)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Gee, what a beautiful ashtray!
Buddy Sorrell: Gorgeous, gorgeous!
Sally Rogers: Yes.
Laura Petrie: We gave them that ashtray. We gave them this lamp, too.
Rob Petrie: No special reason, just in friendship.
Laura Petrie: That's right.
Sally Rogers: [long, uncomfortable pause] BOY, this is a beautiful ashtray!

Millie Helper: Whadda you think could be keeping Rob and Laura?
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, maybe they had a fist fight.
Sally Rogers: A fist fight? Rob and Laura?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: Worst thing they ever do is kiss hard.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, play The Minute Waltz.
Sally Rogers: I only know half of it.
Buddy Sorrell: Play it twice.

Buddy Sorrell: I know what's bothering them.
Sally Rogers, Jerry Helper: What?
Buddy Sorrell: They need on-the-spot relief from acid indigestion.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat (#4.4)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: [showing off his donation to charity] How do you like this?
Sally Rogers: A tuxedo?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: Look, Buddy, people is depressed countries don't go to formal banquets too often.
Buddy Sorrell: Now they can go.

Sally Rogers: [examining Rob's sports coat] Hey, how d'you rip the pocket?
Rob Petrie: I didn't rip the pocket.
Sally Rogers: What happened? D'your handkerchief explode?
Rob Petrie: No, my neighbor did.

Rob Petrie: [explaining why he and Jerry aren't speaking to each other] Because we believe in diametrically opposed ideologies.
Sally Rogers: Oh, he believes in ripping up your jacket and you just don't like that.
Rob Petrie: No. No, I-I believe in constitutional government. That guy believes in... in mob rule.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Viva Petrie (#5.9)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: A guy who cooks as good as he does doesn't fight bulls, he barbecues them.

Sally Rogers: I think he just fired himself.
Buddy Sorrell: And he ain't even loaded.

Buddy Sorrell: Looks like a perfect fit.
Sally Rogers: What FIT? It's a convulsion.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who Owes Who What? (#1.18)" (1962)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Rob Petrie: Buddy!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Sally!
Sally Rogers: Mel!
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Rob Petrie: Sally!
Sally Rogers: Buddy!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Go ahead, Curly. It's your turn. Say "Rob."
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [applauding drolly, overlapping Sally's line] Beautiful.
Sally Rogers: [applauding drolly, overlapping Buddy's line] Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Sally Rogers: I met him.
Rob Petrie: Ya met who?
Sally Rogers: Buddy's wife's cousin.
Rob Petrie: What was he like?
Sally Rogers: Well, d'y'ever see "The Untouchables"?
Rob Petrie: Yeah?
Sally Rogers: He's more like one of the "unbearables".

Sally Rogers: You know this comedy sketch that Rob wrote? Gee, I don't know. It isn't like him. It isn't even funny.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I didn't help him with it. How could it be funny?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Body and Sol (#5.11)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: [to Sally] Who'd you meet at lunch?
Buddy Sorrell: [interjecting a name] Paul Tinkelman!
Sally Rogers: Who?
Buddy Sorrell: I guess you didn't meet him.

Sally Rogers: I met a very dear friend of yours, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Who?
Buddy Sorrell: Male or female?
Sally Rogers: Male. Very, very male.
Buddy Sorrell: Very, very male and he's married.
Sally Rogers: Yeah. How'd you know he was married?
Buddy Sorrell: Because if he was very, very male and very single, you'd still be eatin' lunch.

Buddy Sorrell: Sally, you know somethin', you're too good a nag to be single.
Sally Rogers: Is that a compliment?
Buddy Sorrell: I hope not.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ugliest Dog in the World (#5.4)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Don't tell me Alan wants the script.
Mel Cooley: Of course, and so does Pally's trainer.
Sally Rogers: You mean the dog has script approval?
Buddy Sorrell: No, they ran outta newspaper.

Mel Cooley: "Pygmalion?" Do you think it'd work with a dog?
Sally Rogers: Why not? It was great with pigs.

[the canine Pygmalion sketch is out]
Mel Cooley: So I guess you better take your dog back to the pound.
Buddy Sorrell: No, why don't we keep him and send YOU to the pound? They'll never know the difference.
Sally Rogers: Oh, sure they will. The dog's got more hair.
Mel Cooley: SALLY!
Sally Rogers: Well, Mel, I just thought it would hurt less coming from me.
Mel Cooley: Well, it didn't.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Day in the Life of Alan Brady (#5.25)" (1966)
[Rob okays Alan filming at his home, then calls Laura about it]
Sally Rogers: Listen, how can you say yes without checking?
Rob Petrie: I always do that.
Sally Rogers: And she doesn't mind?
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, but it makes the marriage exciting and dangerous.

Rob Petrie: [keeping order by directing the party, with overflow guests kept in the kitchen] This is Jerry and Millie's anniversary party, that's all, and you should act just the way you did at the last one.
Buddy Sorrell: I wasn't invited to the last one. What am I supposed to do?
Sally Rogers: Shut up or they'll put you in the kitchen.

Alan Brady: These people are supposed to be my friends, the little people who love me. Why don't you rush to the door and love me?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, Rob told us not to.
Sally Rogers: Attaboy, Benedict.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is Not a Drunk (#2.6)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: How do you do? I'm Sally Rogers. I'm already in a trance and I'm nobody's wife.

Glen Jameson: [to Jerry] When I snap my fingers, you'll assume the personality of the person you most admire. I repeat, the person you most admire.
Sally Rogers: [to Millie] Who's it gonna be?
Millie Helper: His hero.
Jerry Helper: San Francisco is the home of my birth. 441 and a half O'Farrell Street. I went through grade school and high school as a star basketball player. Early in life I wanted to become a dentist, which I now am. I'm highly proficient in root canal work. Yes, I am. I feel...
Sally Rogers: [to Millie] Who's he talking about?
Millie Helper: His hero - HIM.

Sally Rogers: What, he's still drunk!
Buddy Sorrell: Either that or somebody stole his bones!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: What's in a Middle Name? (#2.7)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: [looking for Rob] Where is he?
Sally Rogers: Well, he and Buddy are in with Alan Brady. We wrote a sensational sketch and they're in there trying to convince HIM it's sensational.
Laura Petrie: How long will that take?
Sally Rogers: Forever.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Sally Rogers: The sketch is rotten.

Sally Rogers: Well, it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says: "What's in a name? A cat by any other name STILL wouldn't smell like a rose."

Buddy Sorrell: I've got the name! I've got the name for the kid!
Sally Rogers: What?
Buddy Sorrell: Ya ready?
Sally Rogers: Yeah.
Buddy Sorrell: Exit.
Sally Rogers: Exit?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah! If the kid grows up to be an actor, he'll have his name in every theater in the country.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Three Letters from One Wife (#4.9)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: [having read Rob's documentary script for Alan] Look, Rob, it's a beautiful piece of writing - it really is - but you know Alan. If he doesn't have a laugh every ten seconds, he calls the cops and has the audience arrested.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you know something? Mel is so bald, the other day in the supermarket, a woman started squeezing his bald head to see if it was ripe.
Sally Rogers: What's that got to do with this?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, nothing. My mind wandered.

Rob Petrie: Wish me luck. I'm goin' to Alan's office.
Sally Rogers: Okay.
Buddy Sorrell: I'll go with ya. I'll wait in the hall and be your lookout.
Rob Petrie: Look, I'm not gonna steal the letters. I gonna tell Alan the truth.
Buddy Sorrell: I'll still go along.
Sally Rogers: Look, if he's gonna tell the truth, he doesn't need a lookout.
Buddy Sorrell: Sure, he does. I'll stand out there, and when Alan throws him out the window, I'll yell, "LOOKOUT!"

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Boy #1, Boy #2 (#4.19)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: [suggesting a line] "Drive the Tarantula 8 and see what the well-dressed pedestrian will be dodging next year."
Rob Petrie: That's good except I don't think Ritchie would say a thing like that.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, why not?
Rob Petrie: Well, an eight-year-old mind wouldn't come up with something that clever.
Sally Rogers: [indicating Buddy] Oh, I don't know. His eight-year-old mind thought of it.

Sally Rogers: Look, if I thought you were gonna use relatives on the show, I'd have made a pitch for my cat.
Buddy Sorrell: Your cat? Well, he's a nice-lookin' cat but he's no Cary Grant.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but could Cary Grant catch mice?
Buddy Sorrell: [giving it a thought] I think so.

Sally Rogers: How do you like directing, Mel.
Mel Cooley: Well, if things weren't so hectic I might say I'd found my niche.
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't you scratch it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Masterpiece (#3.2)" (1963)
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, Rob, you better watch your wife. If she's like my wife, Pickles, she buys all kinds of junk and never uses it.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I don't know. Last time she came home with a beautiful rocker.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. She's been off it ever since.

Sally Rogers: Research for a comedy show? Since when do WE have to know what we're writing about?

Buddy Sorrell: What is it?
Rob Petrie: It's a hookah. You know, Turkish water pipe.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Buddy Sorrell: Looks like a seltzer bottle with a thyroid condition.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Bottom of Mel Cooley's Heart (#5.19)" (1966)
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, it looks like Mel's got a big problem.
Sally Rogers: No, I don't think so. I think he just gave it to Rob.

Sally Rogers: Do you know what you are?
Buddy Sorrell: Yes, but I've learned to live with it.

Sally Rogers: Now, you think of some of Mel's good points.
Buddy Sorrell: He only got one good point, and if he wears a hat, nobody'll notice it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bank Book 6565696 (#2.4)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: For years, my wife kept throwing quarters into a cookie jar. Drove me nuts! Finally, I found out what she was saving for.
Rob Petrie: What was it?
Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers: [in unison] Cookies!

Sally Rogers: Come on, Buddy, let's go for coffee.
Buddy Sorrell: No, I wanna stay. I never saw a real holdup before.
Sally Rogers: [to Rob and Laura] See ya later.
Buddy Sorrell: [likewise] Be back in a few dollars!

[Buddy and Sally denote Rob's preoccupation over Laura's secret bank book]
Rob Petrie: You know, you guys are jokin' but there's one aspect of this whole silly thing that intrigues me.
Sally Rogers: You mean the... the fact that Laura's keeping a secret from you?
Rob Petrie: No, that doesn't bother me. It's just the fact that she's keeping it a secret from me. THAT bothers me.
Buddy Sorrell: [testing the depths of Rob's preoccupation] Doesn't the fact that she's keeping it a secret bother ya?
Rob Petrie: No, I don't worry about things like that.
Sally Rogers: If I were you, I'd worry about my hearing, Fred.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Happy Birthday and Too Many More (#3.19)" (1964)
[Buddy, Sally and Rob try to devise a game show sketch for Alan Brady]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, I got the game show! It-it's like "What's My Line?" only it's called "What Was This Fellow's Name Before He Changed It To What It Is Now, And Why Did He Change It, Do You Think?"
Sally Rogers: Is that the title or the whole show?
Buddy Sorrell: No, that's the idea of the thing. They bring a fellow in, they say "This man manufactures golf sweaters, and he calls him..." - you know, if he likes it - so "he calls himself Sam Golfsweater," cause he wants everyone to know he makes golf sweaters."
Sally Rogers: All right, what was his name before he changed it?
Buddy Sorrell: Al Paca!
Sally Rogers: Get outta here.
Buddy Sorrell: No, no...
Sally Rogers: BUDDY!
Buddy Sorrell: You'll like it. It'll grown on you.
Sally Rogers: I don't want anything to grow on me!
Buddy Sorrell: One-one-one more. One more. A girl lives in Pennsylvania, and she's so proud of her home state, she calls herself Patricia Pittsburgh.
Sally Rogers, Rob Petrie: [together, with threatening fists] What was her name before she changed it?
Buddy Sorrell: Phyllis Adelphia.
Sally Rogers: [chasing him to the sofa] Ohh, Buddy!

Laura Petrie: Well, I guess I'll go in and start cleaning up now.
Sally Rogers: Uh... you want some help?
Laura Petrie: Oh, I'd love some.
Buddy Sorrell: Put an ad in the paper.

Sally Rogers: Rob, do you know that my cousin spent fifty bucks for a clown for a kid's birthday?
Buddy Sorrell: You're kiddin'? We didn't even have a clown at my wedding.
Sally Rogers: But sure you did. YOU were there.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sally and the Lab Technician (#1.3)" (1961)
Sally Rogers: Hey, Rob, what's my future husband like?
Rob Petrie: Oh, well, Sal, I don't kn... He's a fella...
Sally Rogers: "He's a fella." Good enough, I'll marry him!

Sally Rogers: How do you do? I'm Sally Rogers. Are you still single?

Sally Rogers: What's the matter with you two?
Buddy Sorrell: We're just tryin' to pep you up. You look like a cheerleader for an accident.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Odd But True (#5.8)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Congratulations, Rob. You're Freak of the Week.

Buddy Sorrell: [getting his portion of a donut] You got the big piece.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but you got most of the jelly.
Buddy Sorrell: I didn't but jelly donuts.
Sally Rogers: Uh-oh. Ugh.
Buddy Sorrell: Maybe I oughta change bakeries.
Sally Rogers: I think you better, yeah.

Rob Petrie: Hi, gang.
Sally Rogers: Well, there he is, the fabulous Mr. Freckle.
Rob Petrie: No more back talk, please.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Racy Tracy Rattigan (#2.27)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Yeah... it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says, "You may have the world at your feet, but that don't stop the corns from hurtin'."

Buddy Sorrell: Oh-ho, what's bothering YOU?
Sally Rogers: The sudden realization that my boyfriend, Herman Glimscher, is the only man in America who takes a girl to a drive-in to actually watch the picture.

Rob Petrie: Morning, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Ah, shut up!
Rob Petrie: Out with Herman last night again, huh?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, how could you tell?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It's a Shame She Married Me (#2.29)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: I wonder if the janitor of a building is like the captain of a ship.
Rob Petrie: What?
Sally Rogers: I mean, can he marry us? I'd like a simple basement wedding, just the immediate help.

Sally Rogers: Well, a man like you should TAKE time for things like tennis and golf and marriage.
Jim Darling: Well, I don't care much for tennis or golf, but I'd get married in a minute if I could find another girl like Laura.
Buddy Sorrell: How about another girl like Sally?
Sally Rogers: Another girl? How about Sally?

Laura Petrie: Uh, would anyone like some coffee?
Jim Darling: Yes, as a matter of fact I could use a cup.
Rob Petrie: I'll get it honey.
Sally Rogers: [Jumping up] Ah, I'll help you Luara.
Rob Petrie: Sally, I said I'm going get it.
Sally Rogers: Oh, boy, are you going to get it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Bad Old Days (#1.28)" (1962)
[Sally prepares to cut Buddy's hair]
Buddy Sorrell: Are you sure you know what you're doin'?
Sally Rogers: Oh, of course I know what I'm doin'. Givin' haircuts to a lot of people.
Buddy Sorrell: Name one
Sally Rogers: Yul Brenner. Hey, Buddy, y'got an awful lot of hair back here. Which one you want cut?

Rob Petrie: What's so good about ruling the home with an iron hand?
Sally Rogers: Comes in great for cracking walnuts.

Buddy Sorrell: This husband and wife stuff - whadda YOU think?
Sally Rogers: Oh, I'm on Rob's side. I think he's the kind of a husband every woman wants.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, 'cause as a hen you realize he's easy to peck.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Plots Thicken (#3.25)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: When my time comes, I'll be taken care of by my home food plan. I won't even have to leave the house. They'll just stick me in the freezer.
Sally Rogers: Oh! Buddy, that's terrible!
Buddy Sorrell: No, it isn't. I'll be wearing a mackinaw.

Sally Rogers: One more death joke and I'll kill ya.
Buddy Sorrell: Please, not today. We're defrosting.

Sally Rogers: I don't wanna be there to stop people from talkin' about something I don't wanna think about, but I'll be thinkin' about it because I'll be stoppin' them from talkin' about it. You see?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It Wouldn't Hurt Them to Give Us a Raise (#4.11)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Prince Valiant just called, wants you to trim his bangs.

Buddy Sorrell: [upon hearing of a 15% raise] Boy, that's... that's great. Why didn't you tell us last night?
Rob Petrie: Well, there's a little more.
Buddy Sorrell: A little more than 15%?
Rob Petrie: No.
Sally Rogers: You mean we split 15%?
Rob Petrie: No, no.
Buddy Sorrell: Seven and a half percent?
Rob Petrie: No.
Sally Rogers: 3%.
Rob Petrie: No, it's 15% raise.
Buddy Sorrell: It's there, but nobody got it. It's a treasure hunt.

Sally Rogers: What did you do, shave the office this morning?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: To Tell or Not to Tell (#1.8)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: What is he talking about?
Sally Rogers: I don't know, but you know him - behind every silver linging, he finds the cloud.

Sally Rogers: Buddy, it's when I see husbands like you that I'm glad I'm single - but that's the only time.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Oh, so I'm nuts, huh?
Sally Rogers: See, he admits it!

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Rob, don't do anything rash.
Sally Rogers: Oh, leave him alone. It's his rash.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Never Name a Duck (#2.1)" (1962)
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [looking through a box full of old toys] Hey, here's something for Ritchie: a bathtub toy with a plastic fish in it.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I think Ritchie's a little too old for plastic fish.
Sally Rogers: [taking the toy] I'll take it.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I don't want to be personal, but aren't you old enough to bathe with real fish?
Sally Rogers: It's not for me, it's for Mr. Henderson, my cat.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Your cat eats plastic fish?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie, Sally Rogers: [in unison] It's a plastic cat.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [looking through a box full of old toys; pulling out a huge teddy bear] I'll take it for my wife. She can use it for a pin cushion.
Sally Rogers: It's a pretty big pin cushion.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: She got big pins.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Ahh, every bone in my brain aches.
Sally Rogers: Hey, you know what's good for that?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What?
Sally Rogers: When you get hone, get a bucket of warm water and soak your head for twenty minutes.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Thanks a lot - I'd down.
Sally Rogers: Do you wanna get rid of the headache or not?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Go Tell the Birds and the Bees (#5.10)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Well, I see Mel was pretty busy today. Boy, look at all these phone messages.
Rob Petrie: How do you know Mel took the messages.
Sally Rogers: Well, because they're in three neat piles: his, hers, its.

Sally Rogers: Listen, when my folks told me about the birds and bees, you know I couldn't look at a jar of honey without gettin' a rash.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Do Not Choose to Run (#5.16)" (1966)
Sally Rogers: Buddy, I tell you, your loyalty is underwhelming.

Sally Rogers: Hey, Rob, look, if you're lookin' for a good excuse for not running...
Rob Petrie: I'm not looking for an excuse.
Sally Rogers: ...I've got it.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, come on, what is it?
Sally Rogers: Tell 'em you're gettin' married.
Rob Petrie: I'm already married.
Sally Rogers: Right! Nobody likes a scandal.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Girls Will Be Boys (#4.23)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, I'd sure like to help you, Rob, but every time I think about that little girl beatin' up your kid, breaks me up.
Sally Rogers: Breaks you up, eh, that a little girl can beat up a little boy?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: Kind of sense of humor is that?
Buddy Sorrell: Perverted.

Sally Rogers: D'you ever notice that when Buddy has absolutely nothing to say he usually says it?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Alan Brady Show Goes to Jail (#4.8)" (1964)
Lyle Delp: [backstage] Hey, listen, I better go out there and warm 'em up, okay?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, I've seen their faces. You better use a blowtorch.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you sure they like short, fat, cello players?
Lyle Delp: They'll love you. You have nothing to be afraid of.
Sally Rogers: They've never heard him play.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Brother, Can You Spare $2500? (#4.15)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Boy, I'm telling you, Buddy, that's what I like about you. Through thick and thin, you're never there.

Rob Petrie: When Mel comes in here, I want to take the blame.
Buddy Sorrell: No, no, come on, come on. We'll ALL take the blame. We'll... we'll each take fifty percent of the blame.
Sally Rogers: That's three halves there.
Buddy Sorrell: So forget my half.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Young Man with a Shoehorn (#4.22)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: What is with you and that shoe store?
Buddy Sorrell: It's a good business, and with a little extra money could be a great business. Come on. What have you got to lose?
Rob Petrie: Our money.
Buddy Sorrell: Ya can't lose. If anything goes wrong, I can always be your hostage.
Rob Petrie: You're not worth that much.

Buddy Sorrell: And Uncle Lou is a great shoe salesman. He's the greatest in the business. Look, he sells shoes like I write jokes.
Sally Rogers: He sells old shoes?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Will You Two Be My Wife? (#2.17)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: What about the honeymoon? Did you get to have one?
Rob Petrie: I don't know yet.

Rob Petrie: [as Buddy and Sally enter] Hi, fellas.
Sally Rogers: "Fellas." He said it again! He said "fellas."
Rob Petrie: Oh, I'm sorry, Sally. You're always talkin' about how you like to be treated like one of the guys.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but not when I'm wearing my most feminine outfit. "Fellas!"
Rob Petrie: I'm, sorry, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Look, Rob, just for once, make believe I'm a girl?
Buddy Sorrell: We'll do our best, Fred.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Man from 'Emperor' (#4.5)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: Do you guys think it would hurt my reputation any to be associated with this magazine?
Sally Rogers: Well, depends on how good you look in a bikini.

Rob Petrie: You know, the funny thing about that guy is that during college we all felt sorry for him. He was a bookworm, one of those real loners. I don't think the guy had a date through the whole four years.
Sally Rogers: He was savin' it up.
Rob Petrie: You know, I don't think he does half the things they print about him.
Sally Rogers: Well, I don't think they print half the stuff he does.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Return of Edwin Carp (#3.27)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: What is the one thing that's never been done on television?
Rob Petrie: Radio.

Mel Cooley: Rob, I've got Arlene Harris locked up.
Sally Rogers: You got her locked up?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, let her out. We need her on the show.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sleeping Brother (#1.27)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: Rob, do you really think your brother will stop walkin' in his sleep if he auditions for Alan tonight?
Rob Petrie: Well, he might, since his doctor thinks that the, uh, somnambulism is a symptomatic manifestation of a compulsive frustration.
Sally Rogers: [to Buddy] You gonna let him talk to me like that?

Sally Rogers: [to Rob] "Symptomatic frustration" - what kind of talk is that for a comedy writer?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, you keep that up you wind up on a hospital show.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Third One from the Left (#3.14)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Oh, hi, Rob. Your name just came up.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, I think your number's up, too. Mrs. Petrie Jr. was just in here looking for ya.

Rob Petrie: You know what Laura said to me last night?
Buddy Sorrell: Get out of the house.
Sally Rogers: She said Joanie is in love with you.
Rob Petrie: Hehe-heh, she said Joanie is in love... How did YOU know?
Sally Rogers: Figures. The kid's eighteen, you're an older man, you showed an interest in her...
Rob Petrie: I did not. I just suggested her for a part.
Sally Rogers: Rob, to a moony teenager, that's like a proposal of marriage.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: One Angry Man (#1.24)" (1962)
[Laura and Sally attend the trial, feeling it's very much like a TV show]
Laura Petrie: [watching an attractive woman enter with her lawyer] Who's that?
Sally Rogers: I don't know. I didn't get a program.

Rob Petrie: We, uh, we missed the evening newscast.
Sally Rogers: How 'bout that. I wondered why the evening seemed so empty.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Empress Carlotta's Necklace (#1.12)" (1961)
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, maybe I'll buy some cufflinks for my wife, Pickles.
Sally Rogers: You buy cufflinks for your wife?
Buddy Sorrell: Sure, so she can give 'em to me for my birthday.
Sally Rogers: You always pick out your own birthday present?
Buddy Sorrell: No, I'm going to leave it up to HER warped opinion. Look what she picked for a husband.

Buddy Sorrell: [heading off for lunch] Would you care to join me in a bowl of clam chowder?
Sally Rogers: Well, do you think there's room in there for two of us?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: How to Spank a Star (#3.24)" (1964)
Paula Marshall: [seductively] Rob, I wasn't joking when I said I'd like you to produce for me.
Rob Petrie: T'oh, well...
Paula Marshall: You'd like to, wouldn't you?
Rob Petrie: Well, it isn't that, Miss Marshall.
Paula Marshall: "Miss Marshall" - why so formal?
Sally Rogers: [aside to Buddy] Oh, boy. Watch the Marshall Plan go into action.

Paula Marshall: You gotta stick your neck out once in a while.
Sally Rogers: I think that's what they said to Marie Antoinette.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Show of Hands (#4.28)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Yeah, I'm so tired I can hardly keep my mouth open.

Rob Petrie: How did you get beer and eggs in your hair?
Sally Rogers: I was attacked by a band of bootleg chickens.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Anthony Stone (#4.26)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: Gee, that's a lovely suit.
Sally Rogers: This suit?
Laura Petrie: Is it silk?
Sally Rogers: No, it's one of those blends. You know, cotton and anthrax or somethin'.

Sally Rogers: Laura, you're the only one I can tell, but... but you gotta take an oath.
Laura Petrie: Oh, I'm very good at oaths.
Sally Rogers: Taking them or keeping them.
Laura Petrie: Both. Both.
Sally Rogers: You'll tell no one?
Laura Petrie: I promise.
Sally Rogers: [after a pause] And when you tell Rob, make HIM promise.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Harrison B. Harding of Camp Crowder, Mo. (#1.6)" (1961)
Sally Rogers: I got a head full of pins.
Rob Petrie: It's better than marbles.

Sally Rogers: Just gimme two seconds to make myself gorgeous.
[knock at the door]
Rob Petrie: Your time's up.
Sally Rogers: I'm gorgeous.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Unwelcome Houseguest (#1.9)" (1961)
Buddy Sorrell: Well, my wife Pickles and me, we want to go to Niagra Falls on a little honeymoon.
Sally Rogers: Honeymoon?
Rob Petrie: Honeymoon? You've been married for ten years, Buddy. You're just going on a honeymoon?
Buddy Sorrell: We wanted to see how things'd work out before we spent the money.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, what kind o' name is that for a cat - Mr. Henderson?
Sally Rogers: Oh, I wouldn't throw stones if I were you, Buddy, not with a dog named Larry and a wife namd Pickles.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Forty-Four Tickets (#1.11)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: [to his coworkers about his PTA dilemma] Any ideas, you guys?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah...
[snaps fingers]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I got it! I got an idea!
Sally Rogers: Beginner's luck.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Don't make jokes. This is on the level, this'll solve the whole problem for you. You get the whole neighborhood together, put 'em on a chartered bus and drive 'em down to the studio.
Rob Petrie: How does that solve the problem?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Easy, you get a drunken bus driver and he crashes into a lamppost.
Sally Rogers: I got a better idea: get a sober driver, have him hijack the bus and fly it out of the country.
Rob Petrie: Thanks a lot, you guys, you've been a big help. I'm desperate and you're making jokes.
Sally Rogers: Oh, come on, Rob, it's only the PTA.
Rob Petrie: Only the PTA? You know what the PTA stands for? Three things that I respect - and fear: parents, teachers and associations!

Sally Rogers: [to Rob] You mean to say you're gonna let 34 people get all dressed up, hire sitters, drive into town just to tell them they have to drive back home, take off their clothes and unhire the sitters?
Rob Petrie: Will you please not be so graphic? Let's just say I need 34 tickets.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Great Petrie Fortune (#5.7)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: We got three wishes! Aladdin's Lamp!
Laura Petrie: I wish you'd stop acting so silly.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I wish you'd open it!
Laura Petrie: Come on!
Rob Petrie: I wish you'd all be quiet! That's three wishes. We just blew it.

Mr. Harlow: [checking through old coins] Of course we all know about the nickel. Yes, it's a buffalo on one side and an Indian head on the other.
Buddy Sorrell: I got one here that's just the opposite.
Mr. Harlow: You have a very rare sense of humor.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, and they haven't found a cure for it yet, either.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Alan Brady Show Presents (#3.13)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: [in song] I am a fine musician, I practice every day / And people come from miles around just to heard me play...

Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm playin' a cello solo. What is this?
Sally Rogers: Well, I'm gonna accompany you.
Buddy Sorrell: I don't need any accompaniment.
Sally Rogers: Why not? Jascha Heifetz has a whole symphony behind him.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. He's afraid to play alone! Not me.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Father of the Week (#1.22)" (1962)
[while on the phone with Laura, Rob and his staff try to reschedule Rob some time away from the office the following day]
Sally Rogers: Way can't we have tomorrow's meeting today?
Rob Petrie: Good idea.
Buddy Sorrell: We can't. We're having yesterday's meeting today.
Sally Rogers: Rob, why can't we have tomorrow's meeting yesterday and yesterday's meeting the day after tomorrow?
Rob Petrie: That's possible.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone to Laura] Look, honey...
Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute. We can't.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone to Laura] Hold it, honey.
Sally Rogers: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: 'Cause I get my hair cut on Friday.
Sally Rogers: Why can't you get your hair cut on Thursday?
Buddy Sorrell: I GROW it on Thursday.

Rob Petrie: [on the phone to Laura] Honey, look, tell him we'll arrange it somehow, even if I have to cut Buddy's hair personally.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, no you don't. Nobody cuts my hair but my gardener.
Sally Rogers: Gardener? No wonder his head looks like crabgrass.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Life and Love of Joe Coogan (#3.17)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: Sally, what're you doin' tonight?
Sally Rogers: Nothin', but I think I can get out of it.

Sally Rogers: What's he look like?
Rob Petrie: Oh, he's a cross between Gregory Peck and Stewart Granger.
Sally Rogers: Hey, that ain't too bad. What's his name?
Buddy Sorrell: Stewart Peck.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Obnoxious, Offensive Egomaniac Etc (#5.26)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Hey, there's a transom over that door. If it was open, we could crawl through it.
Laura Petrie: Rob, that's burglary.
Rob Petrie: Not technically, honey. We're taking back something we gave Alan. The worst they can call us is Indian givers.
Sally Rogers: Well, anything's better than being called unemployed.
Rob Petrie: Honey, it won't hurt if we just go up there and take a look at the door.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, yeah, Rob. Let's-let's go take a look at the door.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I don't like it.
Buddy Sorrell: What do you mean you don't like it. You didn't even see it. It's a great door.

Sally Rogers: Let's get out of here. This place gives me the creeps.
Buddy Sorrell: Sure, a creep lives here.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Foul Weather Girl (#2.16)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Say, you don't happen to have any unmarried men in your family, do you?
Jane Leighton: Well, I have two half-brothers.
Sally Rogers: Good. Put 'em together and I'll marry 'em.
Jane Leighton: They're a little young.
Sally Rogers: How young?
Jane Leighton: One is fifteen and one's thirteen.
Sally Rogers: Twenty-eight - that ain't bad.

Sally Rogers: You mean she doesn't mind you spending your evenings...
Sally Rogers: [coughs] ... coaching.
Rob Petrie: Laura mind?
Rob Petrie: [chuckles] I'm lucky if she'll talk to me.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It May Look Like a Walnut (#2.20)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Don't forget, Rob. Thumbs up.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Laura was getting even with me this morning because I scared her last night.
Buddy Sorrell: You scared her? What'd you do? Show up?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [Chuckling] Nah, I was pretending that I was this guy, Kolak, who breathes water.
Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah. The four-eyed monster they threw out of the U.N. He came from the planet Twilo.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Did you see that picture?
Sally Rogers: No. Did they make a picture outta that?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Last night, on television.
Sally Rogers: Noooo. I was at the U.N. the day it happened. Listen, if this guy didn't have those four eyes, I'd have married him.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Man's Teeth Are Not His Own (#2.13)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: I think toothaches are very funny. What's funnier than that?
Sally Rogers: An itch.
Buddy Sorrell: A tooth-itch?

Buddy Sorrell: [trying to round up a dentist for Rob] Sally, how about your dentist?
Sally Rogers: Oh, he's wonderful. He's handsome, he's single, and he's a wonderful dancer.
Buddy Sorrell: How about teeth?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, he's got teeth.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Night the Roof Fell In (#2.9)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Now, why am I boring YOU guys with this?
Sally Rogers: Who's bored? I love to hear things that make me feel good about being single.

Sally Rogers: [on phone] Hello, Marge? Could you call Mrs. Petrie and tell her I said that Buddy told me that Rob asked him to tell her that Rob's coming home with a surprise? - and I'll give you eight to five I can't repeat it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sick Boy and the Sitter (#1.1)" (1961)
Sally Rogers: All right, fellas, will you break it up? Will you break it up, please? I got a date with an unmarried accountant and I wanna get there before he gets married.

Sally Rogers: [performing as Jimmy Durante] I walks into a very classy restaurant, and I orders pheasant under glass. I had eaten most o' da glass and was just about gettin' down t' da pheasant when I noticed a sign that says Watch Your Hat and Coat. Well, I watched my hat and coat, and what happened? Somebody stole m' pheasant.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Two Showoffs and Me (#4.13)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Well, I thought you and Pickles were having guests tonight?
Buddy Sorrell: Nah. No guests. Just my mother-in-law and her sister.
Sally Rogers: Well, what do you consider them?
Buddy Sorrell: Invaders.

Rob Petrie: We'll do something completely different. We'll do something daring.
Buddy Sorrell: Something daring, huh? Maybe like that leopards sketch that you did last year? It laid a big bomb.
Sally Rogers: Oh, Buddy, it didn't lay such a BIG bomb.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, no? That week, Russia went to the UN and complained we were doing underground testing.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Two Faces of Rob (#2.2)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: [about Laura] Oh, come on, Rob, she's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her. She knows it's you.
Rob Petrie: [Shakes head] She thought it was him.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's what she wants you to think. She knows it was you.
Rob Petrie: You gonna tell me about her? You may know you, but you don't know her. She thought it was him
Sally Rogers: Well, I know her, and I know you, and I'm telling you she knows it's you.
Rob Petrie: You think you know about us? I am part of us, and I don't know her, but I know her better than you know her, and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy.

Sally Rogers: Uh, Rob, suppose Laura shows up at the bar at 4:30.
Rob Petrie: She won't. There's not a chance.
Sally Rogers: Well, just suppose she does.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Then she'll be stood up.
Rob Petrie: Look, she will not be stood up because she is not gonna be there. Now, she is my wife and I know her. I don't know why I've carried this ridiculous thing on as long as I have. I-I should've told her a long time ago and told her the truth. Believe me, when I get home tonight, I'm gonna... I'm gonna explain the whole ridiculous thing to her.
Sally Rogers: Boy, she's gonna give it to you pretty good, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Oh, no, not Laura. She won't say a word. For months.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Bird in the Head Hurts (#2.11)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: Hold it! Wait a minute! I got a bagel sandwich on rye.

Buddy Sorrell: You know why your kid makes up these weird stories about being attacked by big birds?
Rob Petrie: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: 'Cause you live in the suburbs.
Sally Rogers: What're you talking about?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, if he lived in the city like any normal kid, he'd be attacked by a nice street gang.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Laura's Little Lie (#3.3)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: All women have to lie. It's nature's way of protecting them from the truth.

Sally Rogers: Your wife shampoos your hair?
Buddy Sorrell: Doesn't everybody's?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Was a Teenage Head Writer (#2.19)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: You don't wanna open a comedy show with jokes?
Rob Petrie: N-n-no.
Buddy Sorrell: Maybe we should open it with the Budapest String Quartet.

[Rob pulls out Buddy and Sally's submitted script]
Sally Rogers: Did Alan crumple this?
Buddy Sorrell: [examining the paper] Yup, that's Alan's crumple.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: 4½ (#4.7)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: You're doing a show in prison?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, how 'bout that? Hundreds of men and not one of them can get away.

Mel Cooley: You mean you actually became friends with a man who held you up?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, we've been writing to him in prison for years.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, he's sort of a pen pal.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Honeymoons Are for the Lucky (#3.23)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: Sounds like a fun honeymoon to me.
Sally Rogers: Walking around with women's clothes on and wearing fake eyelashes sounds like a fun honeymoon to you?
Buddy Sorrell: My wife did it on our honeymoon and I loved it.

Buddy Sorrell: What? Do you LIKE to hear about rotten honeymoons?
Sally Rogers: Well, sure. Since I may never get to go on one, I'd like to think I'm not missing anything.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Lady and the Tiger and the Lawyer (#3.16)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Ooo, suburbs. Yeah, I'd like to look out my window and see a little green.
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't you get an apartment in front of a stoplight?

Arthur Stanwyck: There's nothing I like better than a good comedy.
Laura Petrie: [worried] More than foreign films and rocks?
Arthur Stanwyck: Oh, I have a wide variety of interests.
Sally Rogers: Hey, you like rocks?
Arthur Stanwyck: I love 'em.
Sally Rogers: Oh, me too - emeralds, sapphires, rubies...
Sally Rogers: [imitating Jimmy Durante] Boy, them's my kinda rocks!
Arthur Stanwyck: Oh, look, y-you're talking to a poor lawyer, not a rich jeweler.
Sally Rogers: [still imitating Durante] Oh, I wasn't suggestin' that you buy them for me, counselor. I'm gonna buy 'em for you!
Arthur Stanwyck: [imitating Jimmy Durante] You're my kinda woman, Mrs. Calabash.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Last Chapter (#5.32)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Are you ready for a little bit of good news?
Laura Petrie: Yeah, I think so.
Rob Petrie: I heard from the publisher today.
Laura Petrie: Yeah?
Rob Petrie: He hates it, boy!
Rob Petrie: He said it reminded him of about fifty other books.
Laura Petrie: He's kidding.
Sally Rogers: No, no, that's what they said.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's right. One editor said it stunk!
Laura Petrie: Well, why is everyone so happy?
Rob Petrie: Because Alan read it and he loved it.
Alan Brady: What do I know from style?
Rob Petrie: Honey, Alan wants to produce it as a television series.
Laura Petrie: [in amazement] Your book's gonna be a television series?
Alan Brady: It's true. Of course, I won't do it till after my series is defunct, which may never be.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, Alan is going to play me.
Sally Rogers: Gee, and the three of us are going to write it and Leonard Bershad is going to produce it.
[loud commotion]
Rob Petrie: Wait, hold it, hold it a second. Honey, what do you think?
Laura Petrie: Oh gosh, I don't know what to say - Alan is really going to play you?
Alan Brady: And Rob won't have to shave his head - I'll wear a toupee.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Stacey Petrie: Part I (#4.17)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Herman, don't you raise your voice to me!
Herman Glimscher: Why not?
Sally Rogers: Because I'm bigger than you are!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Like a Sister (#2.8)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: Let's go to a real crowded restaurant and maybe they'll start a nasty rumor about us. Ha-ha.
Ric Vallone: Hey, I could use the publicity.
Sally Rogers: [to Rob and Buddy] Hey, listen, fellas, if you don't hear from us in a week, mind your own business.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Curse of the Petrie People (#5.18)" (1966)
Sally Rogers: Gee, I'd like to have in-laws move in with me - and bring their son.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Ray Murdock's X-Ray (#2.18)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: [coming out from behind a curtain with Buddy] Rob. We were watching the show in the control room. I hope you don't mind.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, where do we send the flowers?
Rob Petrie: You saw that fiasco?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. Maybe you better sleep at my house for a couple of years.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Teacher's Petrie (#3.32)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: [after reading Laura's story] Whadda YOU think, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Well, there's something wrong with the beginning.
Rob Petrie: What?
Sally Rogers: It leads to the rest of it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Redcoats Are Coming (#4.20)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, if I had funny hair like that and no talent, I could have made a million.
Sally Rogers: Yeah? You do, you don't, and you didn't, so shut up.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Too Many Stars (#3.6)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Hey, come on, fellas, whadda you say we get to work, huh? I got a very important if-date.
Buddy Sorrell: An if-date?
Sally Rogers: Yeah. If he shows up and if he asks me, I got a date.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Coast to Coast Big Mouth (#5.1)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: She's here.
Rob Petrie: Where?
Sally Rogers: I don't know where, but I saw her get into the elevator.
Rob Petrie: The elevator?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, that little room in the lobby that goes up and down.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Surprise Surprise Is a Surprise (#2.30)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Rob, if she were planning a surprise party, she certainly wouldn't let you hear her inviting everybody.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, and she wouldn't have you invitin' Mel.
Rob Petrie: No, that's just exactly what she WOULD do. You see, what she's doing, in chess, is called the double-reverse half-truth check-your-mate gamble. I'm gonna play right along with her and let her check her mate, that's all.
Sally Rogers: Well, you may be right, Sebastian, but I think she's employing the old I-planned-to-give-him-a-surprise-party-but-the-rat-found-out-about-it-so-I-changed-my-plans bit.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, I don't know which one of you guys is right, but there's a free meal in there some place and I'M GOIN'.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Fifty-Two, Forty-Five or Work (#5.14)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute. Shh. I think I hear him coming.
Sally Rogers: Who's coming?
Buddy Sorrell: Mel.
Rob Petrie: How do you know it's Mel?
Buddy Sorrell: The footsteps. It's either Mel or Frankenstein.
[Mel enters]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, we lose. It's Mel.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Part-Time Wife (#3.22)" (1964)
[In trying to find the perfect girl to help Buddy and Rob at the office, Sally telephones Laura]
Sally Rogers: Oh, now, wait a minute, Rob. She didn't know I was gonna do this.
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah? How come she answered the phone, then?
Buddy Sorrell: Maybe it rang.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: October Eve (#3.28)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Listen, Sally, if it's the one I think it is, I can explain.
Sally Rogers: If you have to explain, it's the one you think it is.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Case of the Pillow (#4.21)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: [the first to test-smell Laura's new pillows] Why do I always have to be the first?
Sally Rogers: Because you're expendable.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Brave and the Backache (#3.20)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: You know how to keep a head cold from goin' down in your chest?
Sally Rogers: No.
Buddy Sorrell: Tie a knot in your neck.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who and Where Was Antonio Stradivarius? (#3.7)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: So long, Mel. See you tomorrow at noon.
Mel Cooley: Noon? You always come in that late?
Sally Rogers: Well, don't forget, I go home early.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Br-rooom, Br-rooom (#4.31)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Look, whatever possessed you to buy a motorcycle?
Rob Petrie: They're economical. You get great gas mileage on 'em.
Sally Rogers: Sure. The ride back is always in the ambulance.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Making of a Councilman (#5.17)" (1966)
Sally Rogers: Rob, you'll be fine once you get there.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, I think that's what they said to the captain of the Titanic, didn't they?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sam Pomerantz Scandals (#2.24)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Sometimes it's best not to say anything.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Stretch Petrie vs. Kid Schenk (#4.14)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: We're sitting here knocking Neil so much I'm beginning to feel guilty about him now.
Buddy Sorrell: Ah, don't feel so bad. I love Pickles, but if somebody asked me if she'd make a good wife I would have to say no.
Sally Rogers: Buddy, you shouldn't talk like that. You know, if I were your wife...
Buddy Sorrell: Call her, maybe we can make a deal.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who Stole My Watch (#5.15)" (1966)
[Mel exits]
Sally Rogers: Boy, is he mad.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, his scalp was standing on end.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Pink Pills and Purple Parents (#4.10)" (1964)
[Rob prevents Sally from taking one of Buddy's prescription pills]
Rob Petrie: Well, what-what could cure pain for one person can do some weird things to somebody else.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah? What kind of weird things?
Sally Rogers: Well, for one, I could look like you.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Return of Happy Spangler (#1.30)" (1962)
[Rob asks Sally to bring Hap up-to-date on their latest script]
Sally Rogers: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Alan Brady Show." You're now up to date.
Rob Petrie: You mean that's all we've got?
Sally Rogers: Well, don't you remember we threw out the opening sketch?
Buddy Sorrell: HE threw it out. I still liked it. I don't know what was wrong.
Rob Petrie: Oh, Buddy, the thing was too long. It was in bad taste. It wasn't even funny.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, aside from that, what didn't you like?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sound of the Trumpets of Conscience Falls Deafly on a Brain That Holds Its Ears... (#3.12)" (1963)
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't see those two people.
Rob Petrie: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, once I-I witnessed an accident. There was a car and a fruit truck, and like a jerk I went and reported it. Hoo, boy, I'll never make THAT mistake again.
Sally Rogers: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, one of the guys turns out to be a nut, and he keeps threatening me all week long - calls, you know, on the phone - "You better get down or I'm gonna run you over with my fruit truck."
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but he didn't, did he?
Buddy Sorrell: No, he didn't, but he got me scared. Now every time I see a fruit truck, I break out in hives.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Very Old Shoes, Very Old Rice (#3.4)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Hey, Rob, look, if you're not gonna tell us what you're gonna do tomorrow, tell us anything, even if ya have to lie.
Rob Petrie: All right. I'll tell you the truth, but I just hope both of you aren't hurt because you weren't invited.
Buddy Sorrell: What? Where?
Sally Rogers: Invited to what?
Rob Petrie: Well, tomorrow morning, Laura and I are gonna get all dressed up, and we're going to drive up to... uh, the Bronx Zoo.
Buddy Sorrell: The Bronx Zoo?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, they've... they've got a 40-foot boa constrictor wrapped around a telephone pole, and some of the more prominent citizens have been invited to the unwinding.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: When a Bowling Pin Talks, Listen (#2.32)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Hey, Buddy, you know, I got a hunch Alan hasn't been too happy with our scripts the last few months.
Buddy Sorrell: Come on, he loved 'em.
Sally Rogers: Yeah? So how come he sent us a Christmas card saying, "A gift in your name has been sent to The Red Skelton writers?"
Buddy Sorrell: It's just a gag. He's spreadin' a little holiday fear.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Talented Neighborhood (#1.19)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: What's this?
Sally Rogers: Whadda ya mean "What's this?" What does it look like? It's a room full of talented kids.
Buddy Sorrell: [indicating Mel] What does the big one do?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Hustling the Hustler (#2.5)" (1962)
[Sally is making Buddy donate 25 cents to charity whenever he insults Mel]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, Sally, what'll it cost me to call him a big, blubber-nosed baboon?
Sally Rogers: Oh, that'll run you roughly 75 cents.
Buddy Sorrell: Can't afford it.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Mel] You're not a big, blubber-nosed baboon.
[Mel smiles and nods; Buddy puts 25 cents in Sally's can]
Buddy Sorrell: You're a small, blubber-nosed baboon.
[puts another 25 cents in the can]