Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley
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Quotes for
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley (Character)
from "The Bob Newhart Show" (1972)

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"The Bob Newhart Show: Over the River and Through the Woods (#4.11)" (1975)
Dr. Robert Hartley: I love coffee.
Dr. Jerry Robinson: I love tea.
Elliot Carlin: I love the Java Jive and it loves me.

Dr. Robert Hartley: [on telephone, ordering Chinese food while drunk; repeated line] Moo goo goo goo!

Dr. Robert Hartley: [on telephone, ordering Chinese food while drunk;] More goo to go!

Dr. Robert Hartley: [while on phone ordering Chineese food, turns to Mr Carlin] Next!
Elliot Carlin: I'll have the sweet and sour pork.
Dr. Robert Hartley: Make up your mind, Mr Carlin!
Elliot Carlin: Ok, I'll have the Moo Goo Gai Pan.


"The Bob Newhart Show: We Love You... Good-Bye (#3.12)" (1974)
Emily Hartley: [Bob, and Emily are rushing about in the apartment, as Bob's former women's group - now Emily's - is going to be there any 2nd,Into this, walks Howard - looking for tape - to help wrap a gift; for a stag party he's going to.Just then, the doorbell rings. Emily opens the door, and all the women arrive, at once] HI!
[Michele walks in first. In a dress]
Emily Hartley: oh, you look wonderful!
Michelle Nardo: Oh, hI, Dr. Hartley!
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Bob looks at Michelle, and notices she's in a dress] HI, Michelle. I've never seen you in a dress before.
Michelle Nardo: I know! It's the first time my legs had been out since I was 10.
Mrs. Cowens: And I'm not wearing a girdle. I feel loose as a goose!
Emily Hartley: Well, I'd better get my coat...
[Howard starts to walk over towards the front door]
Emily Hartley: it must be windy out
[Howard starts right behind Joan Rossi, who's giving him the eye. She also has a giant Afro hair-do]
Emily Hartley: Joan; you look so... natural!
[Joan chuckles]
Joan Rossi: And I never felt better.
[replying to Emily, what's staring at Howard, was just staring back, blank-faced]
Joan Rossi: I mean I-I discovered I don't I don't have to flaunt it to be attractive...
[Rolling her eyes at Howard]
Joan Rossi: ... if you know what I mean.
[giggles]
Howard Borden: [Stone-faced, staring back at Joan] No.

Emily Hartley: [it's two in the morning. Bob walks in- drunk, with a pizza. Emily has gone to bed, and Bob is in the kitchen making so much noise, Emily comes out the bedroom, sees Bob is drunk] Bob, didn't you have anything to eat all night?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: I had some, uh, some olives
[pause]
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: at Guido's.
[Bob's standing right next to the kitchen, and using the wall for support]
Emily Hartley: Guido?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Quietly, and seriously] Guido made the pizza.
Emily Hartley: Ohl.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Pizza is Guido's life.
[Bob slowly gathers his thoughts]
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: is Guido taught me what 'antipasto' means.
Emily Hartley: What does it mean, Bob?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Against 'pasto'. By-by the same token, 'provolone' means; 'in favor of volone'.
[Bob laughs]

Emily Hartley: [It's 2am, and Bob's come home - drunk. Emily was in the bedroom, but, Bob's making such noise in the kitchen, she comes out. Bob's got a pizza with him] Bob, didn't younhabe anything to eat, all night?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Speaking slowly, and slightly slurred, and is using the wall by the kitchen to hold himself upright] I had some, uh, olives, at Guido's .
Emily Hartley: Guido?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Guido made the pizza.
Emily Hartley: Oh.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Pizza is Guido's life. Guido taught me what 'antipasto' means.
Emily Hartley: What does it mean, Bob?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: 'Against pasto'. By the same token, uh, 'provolone', means 'in favor of volone'.
[Bob breaks up laughing]


"The Bob Newhart Show: I'm Okay, You're Okay, So What's Wrong? (#2.10)" (1973)
Emily Hartley: [Addressing Bob, who came home to find all the furniture rearranged] You hate it, right?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: I won't say I hate it; it's just alien to anything I've ever liked before.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Unhappy with Emily's choice of marriage counselor] Emily, I thought you were supposed to find someone neutral.
Emily Hartley: I did.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: She's a woman!
Emily Hartley: That's right, Bob. I said neutral, not neuter.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Tobin's Back in Town (#3.16)" (1975)
Ellen Hartley: Howard, I want to tell you something but I don't want you getting all jealous.
Howard Borden: You don't have to worry about that anymore. I don't have a jealous bone in my whole body.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: I'm surprised you can walk.

Emily Hartley: [Howard - dressed like Tobin, in head-to-toe leather, and Ellen are over at Bob and Emily's. John Tobin's left - finally] Howard, you are incredible.
Howard Borden: I don't mean to be. I just want my girl back, that's all.
Ellen Hartley: [laughing] Oh, Howard
[smiling, and looking at Howard]
Ellen Hartley: , you never lost me.
Howard Borden: [Quietly, looking at Ellen] I didn't?
Ellen Hartley: [Ellen mumbles 'no'] Hmmm. But, why did you have to act so crazy? I mean, all you had to do is stay out of it, and let me handle it in my own way.
Howard Borden: [Howard instantly points at Bob] Bob told me to do it.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Quizzically] What?
Howard Borden: [Shrugs his ahoulders] You told me to 'go with my feelings'.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Bob looks at Wmily] Well, yeah, but, I-I didn't charge you for it.
Emily Hartley: Howard; I'm sure Bob didn't tell you to go out and buy a leather sweatsuit, or, or to spend a fortune in overseas phone calls. Or come to the airport dressed like Snoopy!


"The Bob Newhart Show: Grand Delusion (#6.11)" (1977)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Emily is a famous, glamorous, woman's haute couture designer, married to psychologist Howard, and secretly in love with Bob - their navigator neighbor] So, how's it going with you, Emily?
Emily Hartley: Let me show you to what I've been working on
[Emily moved across the living room to pick up some sketches on the dining table]
Howard Borden: I, Emily; the only woman in the world to get her design on the cover of Harpers Bazaar, Vogue, and Mademoiselle magazine, all in the same month.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: You must be very proud, Emily.
Emily Hartley: [sighs] Well, I'm pleased. But, designing clothes for beautiful women isn't...
[tosses her hair, seductively]
Emily Hartley: ... thrilling, anymore.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley, Howard Borden: How about design clothes for ugly women?

Emily Hartley: I'd like to do something
[pause]
Emily Hartley: really... wild. I'd like to design...
[dramatic pause, then, shakes her chest, while looking directly at Bob]
Emily Hartley: ... sheets.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: I could see how someone wouldn't want to sleep...
[looks at Howard]
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: ... dull, every night.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Mom, I L-L-Love You (#1.4)" (1972)
Emily Hartley: Eleanor. We LOVED having you. Don't you Bob?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Yeah Yeah, Mom. Uh, love.
Mrs. Martha Hartley: So do I.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: I think between the three of us, I said it.

Carol Kester Bondurant: ...is being late a serious enough problem to see a psychologist about?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Well, Mr. Hastings is a lifeguard.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Jerry Robinson Crusoe (#3.13)" (1974)
Howard Borden: Then I'll just say... Checkers!
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Checkmate.
Howard Borden: Whatever.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: I lost. I lost to a guy who sliced butter with a bullwhip and to a woman who let air out of an inner tube to the tune of "Melancholy Baby."


"The Bob Newhart Show: Fly the Unfriendly Skies (#1.1)" (1972)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Emily, what happened to all of the bourbon?
Emily Hartley: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [to his friend] Would you like a glass of chicken, Howard?

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Remember when I asked you where you wanted to go on our honeymoon? Hawaii, Acapulco? Did flying have anything to do with the fact you chose Gary, Indiana?


"The Bob Newhart Show: The Modernization of Emily (#2.17)" (1974)
Emily Hartley: Bob, that boy just winked at me.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: You want me to beat him up?


"The Bob Newhart Show: Warden Gordon Borden (#4.18)" (1976)
Gordon Borden: Well, that's very interesting, Bob. So you don't actually shrink people?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: That's just a term, 'shrink'.
Gordon Borden: Well, that's good. Because nowadays, you know, most people want to be tall.


"The Bob Newhart Show: My Business Is Shrinking (#3.20)" (1975)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Howard, I guess I've just, you know, lost my ability to communicate with people.
Howard Borden: Yeah, well, I don't understand what you're saying.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Anything Happen While I Was Gone? (#1.10)" (1972)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [referring to Jerry's new girlfriend] She's a back-buster.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Fit, Fat and Forty One (#2.11)" (1973)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [addressing his doctor following his physical] Are you saying I'm fat?
Dr. Klein: Fat? No. Let's just say you're a little short for your weight.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Big Brother Is Watching (#3.1)" (1974)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Bob's changed his mind - at the last minute - about his sister, Ellen, moving in with Howard, next door. He's so frustrated, he can't even speak. So, he asks Emily to speak for him] 'Em-Emily, will-will you please tell her what I'm... what I'm trying to say?
Emily Hartley: [Emily, who's been sitting quietly on the couch, stands up, and faces Ellen] Well, you see, what -I-I think Bob
[Emily looks towards Bob,as if she's seeing if he's agreeing with what she's saying]
Emily Hartley: is trying to say, is that he's
[Emily turns back towards Ellen and Howard]
Emily Hartley: concerned, because you and Howard were -
[Emily pauses, and re-starts, again]
Emily Hartley: Well, you know, I-I-I th-think it's the distance, with...
[Emily looks like she's totally confused, and stops talking, and turns to Bob]
Emily Hartley: Bob, I haven't the slightest idea what you're trying to say.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Shrinks Across the Sea (#4.7)" (1975)
Emily Hartley: We're certainly looking forward to meeting your wife!
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: ...and her lover.
Alan Durocher: That may be difficult... they are usually on the Riviera this time of year.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Serve for Daylight (#3.14)" (1974)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: You run like a girl.
Emily Hartley: I AM a girl.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Jerry's Retirement (#5.10)" (1976)
Emily Hartley: [Emily walks into the apartment, having just Taken her father, and his friend, shorty, to the airport] Guess who I just saw at the airport? Jerry! He's on his way to Germany.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Relly?
Emily Hartley: Yeah, he's gonna study woodcraft, under the foremost carver of sharp sticks!
[Emily has a big, sneaky smile in her face]
Emily Hartley: You know what he's gonna say to him when he meets him?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: What?
Emily Hartley: [Emily raises her arm, straight, with the palm out] 'Heil, whitler!'
[Emily breaks up, laughing]


"The Bob Newhart Show: Carol's Wedding (#4.6)" (1975)
Emily Hartley: How about that, Bob? There may be life on Jupiter.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Great. You can fix Carol up with it.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Bob and Emily and Howard and Carol and Jerry (#1.12)" (1972)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Bob and Emily are in a Chinese restaurant - Carol's there, on a first date with Howard - having only first spoken with him after he left the dentist's office, and - eloquently - speaking with her - due to the after-effects of the gas. Now, she's meeting the 'real' Howard. They're all standing at the bar, waiting for their table] Why don't you order a drink?
Howard Borden: Yeah, oh, they make a drink here - it's so special. I mean, it's just terrific. It's, uh, it's uh... I just can't think of the name of it.
The Bartender: [the bartender's been listening to Howard] Harvey Wallbanger.
Howard Borden: [Putting his hand out, to the bartender] Oh, Howard Borden!
[Howard shakes the bartender's hand]
Howard Borden: I, uh... I come here all the time, Harvey. Uh, these are my friends
[Howard makes introductions, pointing everyone out to the bartender]
Howard Borden: This is Bob Hartley. This is, uh, his wife, Emily
[Bob and Emily pleasantly nod at the bartender. Howard turns to Carol]
Howard Borden: Uh, this is my date, uh...
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Carol.
Howard Borden: [Snaps his fingers, as if the name just popped into his head] Carol.


"The Bob Newhart Show: The Longest Good Bye (#4.1)" (1975)
Howard Borden: Hi, Bob. Do you think I should be buried or cremated?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Howard, I've always felt you should be bronzed.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Death Be My Destiny (#5.19)" (1977)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Emily, aren't you afraid of dying?
Emily Hartley: Well, sure, but I just try and think of it as part of life.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Yeah, the last part!


"The Bob Newhart Show: Carlin's New Suit (#6.5)" (1977)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Dr. Hartley and Billy are sitting on a public bench] You know, it's important to have somebody to look up to, Billy, in life.
[an elderly bum sits down next to them]
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: You don't want to end up like...
[Hartley casts a glance at the bum]
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: ... you know, like someone less fortunate than ourselves.
Bum: [Sound of a paging beeper on the soundtrack; Hartley pulls a beeper out of his pocket, can't shut it off and realizes the beeping is coming from somewhere else; the bum pulls a beeper out of his own pocket and shuts it off] Where's the telephone? I've gotta call my servant.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Bob's Change of Life (#6.1)" (1977)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Howard?
Howard Borden: Yeah Bob?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Asking if he's predictable] Would you call me a fuddy-duddy?
Howard Borden: Okay... you're a fuddy-duddy! Ha-ha-ha!
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: No ,Howard... do you think I have trouble dealing with changes?
Howard Borden: I mean ,I know I have a lot of changes going on in my life right now ,the are a lot of changes going on in the world. You know ,cities change & values change. The whole universe is expanding.
Howard Borden: You think that's bad? They've got a new emcee
[M.C]
Howard Borden: on 'Bowling For Bucks'.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Sounding concerend] They keep going.
Howard Borden: Take things in stride Bob. Go with the flow ,go with the flow.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Nodding in agreement,shrugs] Go with the flow.
Emily Hartley: [Door buzzer rings ,Emily comes out] I'll get it ,must be the pizza.
[Gets money from Bob]
Emily Hartley: Honey? Ah... thank you.
[Pays man]
Emily Hartley: Oh ,thank you... keep the change.
Howard Borden: [Overjoyed and eager to eat] OH BOY! PIZZA! PIZZA! OH BOY ,OH...
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Gives command ,as if to a dog] No! You,heel! Heel Howard!
Emily Hartley: Well ,here we are gentlemen ,one #7 pizza!
Howard Borden: [Still very happy] #7! That's my favorite pizza in the whole wide world!
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Looks at pizza] That isn't #7 ,it's got anchovies on it!
Emily Hartley: [Reading paper flyer on box] Well ,they've got a new menu. They have anchovies on #7 now.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Disgusted] I hate anchovies!
Howard Borden: [Calm ,then very upset] They changed my favorite pizza.
[pause ,then odd yell]
Howard Borden: Aaaah!
[Stumbles around]
Howard Borden: I can't breathe ,open a window! I'm getting vapors,I'm getting vapors! I'm getting hives! I'LL SUE ITALY!
[Leaving out the apt. door]
Howard Borden: AAAaahh!
Emily Hartley: [Bewildered by Howard's reaction] What 'is' the matter with him?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: [Calmly] Emily, you have just seen a man go with the flow.


"The Bob Newhart Show: Caged Fury (#5.2)" (1976)
Elliot Carlin: I think I'm overcoming my agoraphobia.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: I didn't even know you had a fear of open places.
Elliot Carlin: Open places?
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Agoraphobia is a fear of open places.
Elliot Carlin: I thought it was a fear of agricultural products.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Sorry.
Elliot Carlin: Well, anyway, wheat doesn't scare me anymore. I'm still a little skittish around barley.
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Yeah, barley's murder compared to wheat.


"The Bob Newhart Show: You're Having My Hartley (#5.24)" (1977)
Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley: Where does the time go?
Cliff Murdock: Cleveland.