Laura Petrie
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Quotes for
Laura Petrie (Character)
from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" (1961)

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"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Long Nights Journey Into Day (#5.30)" (1966)
Millie Helper: Listen, for goodness sake, don't take a shower!
Laura Petrie: Why?
Millie Helper: Oh, listen, didn't you see that Alfred Hitchcock picture?
[stabbing motion]
Laura Petrie: Millie!
Millie Helper: You're better off dirty than dead, believe me.

Millie Helper: I forgot to give you something.
Laura Petrie: A fountain pen?
Millie Helper: Well, it's not really a pen. It's a burglar beeper.
Laura Petrie: A what?
Millie Helper: You know, a burglar beeper. If somebody breaks in and tries to bash you in the head, you pull the top off and a siren starts. Keen, huh?

Laura Petrie: [answers the phone and nobody talks] Oh, I hate it when it does that. Just like that movie where the lady gets murdered. No it isn't. It's nothing like that at all.

Laura Petrie: How's Richie?
Rob Petrie: He broke his pole.
Laura Petrie: I told him to keep it in the car.
Rob Petrie: Well, he did. I sat on it.

Laura Petrie: What're you doing back here, anyway? Is everyone back?
Millie Helper: No, just me and I'm not really back!
Laura Petrie: Well, you're here!
Millie Helper: Well, I never got there!
Laura Petrie: I'm glad you're here!
Millie Helper: Oh, Laura!
Laura Petrie: What happened anyway?
Millie Helper: Well, going up there it suddenly dawned on me, where was I going? I mean, I... I hate camping and I hate fishing, and I can just about tolerate the kids and I'm not that wild about Jerry. Well, the only person who was gonna make it any fun was here; so, when we got to Flouter Junction, I jumped on a train and... here I am.

Millie Helper: You heard noises? What noises?
Laura Petrie: Well, just... ordinary house noises, things that go bump in the night. You know, the stuff I never worry about if someone were here with me.
Millie Helper: Well, someone's here with you and she's worried - what kind of noises?
Laura Petrie: Well, like, uh, wood creaking and a... cat scratching, and then, once, the phone rang and there was nobody on the other line.
Millie Helper: [gasps] Oh. 'Sorry, Wrong Number'! Did you see that picture?
Laura Petrie: I did, and that's what's been frightening me.

Laura Petrie: Here, you can wear this.
[hands Millie a flimsy nightgown]
Millie Helper: Oh, listen, don't you have something a little less, say, you know? I mean, uh, in case we gotta go running into the streets, I don't want to look too sexy.

Millie Helper: [whispering] Laura...
Laura Petrie: Shh...
Millie Helper: I think I did something dumb!
Laura Petrie: What?
Millie Helper: I think I left the door open when I came in.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Millie Helper: In case something was wrong, I wanted to be able to get out fast.

Laura Petrie: Darling, here's, uh, Ritchie's worms.
Rob Petrie: Oh.
Laura Petrie: Don't let him play with them on the way up, huh?
Rob Petrie: How does he play with worms?
Laura Petrie: He tries to tie them all together and make one long one.

Laura Petrie: Rob, I worry about you, all alone up there with that hat.

Laura Petrie: Well, you, uh, just tell Millie she's a nut.
Rob Petrie: [chuckles] That's wouldn't be nice. I'll have Jerry do it.

[as the radio plays loudly, Millie irons in the living room while Laura putters about the kitchen]
Millie Helper: Let's keep talkin', okay?
Laura Petrie: What?
Millie Helper: I said let's keep talkin', okay?
Laura Petrie: Okay.
Millie Helper: What are you doin' now?
Laura Petrie: I'm making the coffee.
Millie Helper: Okay. Laura, would you fix me a piece of toast?
Laura Petrie: Okay.
Millie Helper: Okay. Now what are ya doing?
Laura Petrie: I'm making the toast.
Millie Helper: Oh, good, good, good.
Millie Helper: [thinking she heard a noise] Laura?
Laura Petrie: Okay.
Millie Helper: No. No okay. Laura did you hear anything?
Laura Petrie: Millie, I can't hear anything with the radio blaring away.
[the power suddenly go out. All goes dead and dark]

Laura Petrie: Millie, I can't hear anything, we have the TV on, the record player on, the radio blaring, we have every light in the house on, I'm surprised you don't want to turn on the garbage disposal.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: No Rice at My Wedding (#5.5)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: I bet Rob's still jealous. I hope so. A little jealousy's very healthy in a husband.

Laura Meehan: Rob, are you upset about this whole thing?
Rob Petrie: [emphatically] No.
Laura Meehan: Well, then how come those papers are pinned to my legs?

Laura Meehan: Then you're not upset about tonight?
Rob Petrie: No, honest, not a bit.
Laura Meehan: Well, if-if you are - just, you know, a little bit - just remember that all the time I'm out with him I'll be thinking of you.
Rob Petrie: Ah, that's sweet. And all the time you're out with him I'll be thinkin' of me, too.

Clark Rice: Uh, you know the, uh, fortune cookie tonight said a new person was coming into your life? Pay attention to him?
Laura Meehan: Yeah, but you made me go through fifteen of 'em before we found one that said THAT.

Millie Crumberbacher: Laura, did he almost kiss you?
Laura Meehan: Worse. I almost kissed HIM.
Millie Crumberbacher: Ooo, can I have Rob?

[Millie tries to help Laura decide between Clark and Rob through a point system]
Laura Meehan: Clark wants to be a lawyer.
Millie Crumberbacher: Ooo, a lawyer. That's very good. That's another ten points. And Rob wants to be a comedy writer - which no one knows how to be one, so he'll be struggling and starving and probably never make it - so we'll give him one point.
Laura Meehan: Millie, you're pushing Clark.
Millie Crumberbacher: I am not. Well, the score is twenty to eight in his favor, you know. I didn't make these numbers up!
Laura Meehan: Yes, you did!

Laura Petrie: Millie, you can draw a heart with pencil and paper but you can't measure one.

Rob Petrie: You've got exactly five minutes.
Laura Meehan: Five minutes?
Rob Petrie: That's right. The warden is on the wall right now talking to the convicts. Now if you're not back by the time the convicts grab the priest, you can forget about me.

Clark Rice: Look, I don't wanna be used to spite someone else. That's what you're doing, isn't it?
Laura Meehan: No, it isn't.
Clark Rice: Then why the sniffles?
Laura Meehan: It's the rain.
Clark Rice: You sure it's not Petrie?
Laura Meehan: Well, what's the difference? Rain, Rob, they're both big drips.

Clark Rice: What's WITH that guy?
Laura Meehan: I don't know! I don't know and I don't care! I never COULD figure him out. Sometimes he seems so... and then the other times he just doesn't. Once he even - and for no reason - and what was I to do. Did I ever tell you he broke my foot? Well, he did. He broke my foot. You see, Rob's the kind of a guy who... I mean, I always felt that if I ever, he'd be the last, because... Well, YOU! You're so... and... but I don't know WHY, Clark. I do, though. I really do. He's just so adora... adora...
Clark Rice: Adorable?
Laura Meehan: You see it, too, don't you?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Part-Time Wife (#3.22)" (1964)
Millie Helper: Rob has heartburn?
Laura Petrie: Mm-hm. And, you know, he didn't have it while Sally was there. It just started since then. No, he comes in the front door, slams it, says hi to me, doesn't kiss me, throws the paper on the table, and burps.
Millie Helper: Mr. Class?
Rob Petrie: [heard off] Aw, doggone it!
Laura Petrie: Ole.
[Rob enters, slams the front door, says hi, throws his hat in the closet, slams the closet door, throws his paper on the dining table and burps]

Laura Petrie: Well, I just thought it'd be a good idea to have a nice, neat, perfectly-typed list of foods, and - I don't know - I have a lot of time on my hands, like I do most every day, and I just wanted to do something constructive.
Rob Petrie: Oh, good. We could use a new garage.

Laura Petrie: Why won't you let me just try to help you?
Rob Petrie: Honey, I just don't think you and I would be happy as marriage partners and as business partners.
Laura Petrie: Isn't that silly, darling? Don't you realize that in the office you'd be the boss?

Laura Petrie: Mr. Petrie, I want you to know something - I love you.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, well, we'll put an end to THAT!

Laura Petrie: I've been flaunting my success.
Rob Petrie: You have, you know.
Laura Petrie: I know, and I apologize, darling. I was just being female.
Rob Petrie: Well, don't quite THAT!

Rob Petrie: What is the main purpose in going to the Earth's center?
Laura Petrie: To find out whether it's chewy or chocolate creme.

Rob Petrie: You're not suppose to give reviews. You're supposed to type.
Laura Petrie: But Buddy thought it was funny. Didn't you, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Don't get me in the middle of husband-and-wife arguments.
Rob Petrie: What? This is not a husband-and-wife argument. This is boss and employee.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, then I'm sorry, I gotta go with the employee.
Rob Petrie: Well, I just don't agree with you, Buddy. I think it's not funny!
Laura Petrie: Rob, I think you're being kind of childish.
Rob Petrie: I am not being childish.
Buddy Sorrell: Yes, you are. You're being childish.
Rob Petrie: Uh, Buddy, this is between my wife and me, please.
Laura Petrie: Rob, what is the matter with you?
Rob Petrie: Nothing is the matter with me!
Buddy Sorrell: Nothing? You're acting like you got a wasp in your underwear. Gee, all she did was offer some constructive criticism.
Rob Petrie: Which was unsolicited.
Laura Petrie: Ah, it was NOT unsolicited!
Rob Petrie: Did... did you hear me ask her her opinion?
[Buddy gestures that he's staying out of it]
Rob Petrie: Look, it's not boss-employee, it's not husband-and-wife. Just as a bystander there, did you hear me ask her for her opinion?
Buddy Sorrell: All right, you didn't ask her.
Rob Petrie: There, you see?
Laura Petrie: All right. You don't have to yell.
Rob Petrie: I'm not yelling!
Buddy Sorrell: Yes, you are. You're yelling.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, this is a family affair that doesn't concern you.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Rob and Laura] Look, will you excuse me while I go out and get a glass of beer. I hate crowds and the four of you are driving me nuts!

Laura Petrie: The only reason I came here was to help you, and if I have annoyed you, I sincerely apologize, and to keep from causing you any further annoyance, I want you to know that I'm fired!
Rob Petrie: [after she storms out] You can't fire! I quit ya!

Laura Petrie: Even a horse gets a lump of sugar.

Rob Petrie: Today you have been the most perfect person in the world. As a mater of fact, if you do one more perfect thing today, I'm gonna put my fist right through that wall.
Laura Petrie: Rob!
Rob Petrie: D'ya... d'yah, I won't. If I do, you'll probably re-plaster it perfect, and I'll feel even worse.
Laura Petrie: Rob, what kind of an attitude is this?
Rob Petrie: I don't know. I don't... know. It is a brand new one, and I'm no crazier about it than you are.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Coast to Coast Big Mouth (#5.1)" (1965)
Johnny Patrick: Petrie, Petrie... Is your husband in television?
Laura Petrie: Yes, he is.
Johnny Patrick: I thought that name was familiar. Ladies and gentlemen, this little lady happens to be married to one of the most talented men in our business.
Laura Petrie: Thank you. I think he is.
Johnny Patrick: The producer of that fantastic show "The World in Trouble" - Dave Petrie.
Laura Petrie: Oh, no.
Johnny Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry. He's not producing that show anymore.
Laura Petrie: No, he's not my husband.
Johnny Patrick: Oh, well, I didn't mean to let the cat out of the bag.
Laura Petrie: No, no, he never was.
Johnny Patrick: OH!

Johnny Patrick: Have you ever been to Alan Brady's house?
Laura Petrie: Oh, yes.
Johnny Patrick: Uh-huh. Does he wear his toupee at home?
Laura Petrie: Oh, golly, yes. He wears it all the time.
Johnny Patrick: You mean that Alan Brady is really BALD?

Laura Petrie: Rob's home. Listen, Millie, would you stay with me?
Millie Helper: I wish you hadn't asked me that.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Millie Helper: 'Cause you're not gonna like my answer: Goodbye and good luck.
Laura Petrie: Aw, Millie...

Laura Petrie: I didn't know Alan had a nose job.
Rob Petrie: No, up till now it was a secret.

Rob Petrie: Wait a minute. You're mad at me for not telling you a secret right in the middle of an argument where I'm mad at you for tellin' a secret.
Laura Petrie: I'm not sure.

Laura Petrie: Well, I remember telling Rob, and I told him to tell you - d... did he ever tell you? - because I told him to tell you how very nice and natural and warm you look that way.
Alan Brady: Sure, like a father figure, right?
Laura Petrie: Oh, no! No, Alan, just the opposite.
Alan Brady: A bald mother figure?

Alan Brady: [presenting all his various toupees] What we... what... what do you say... what do you suggest I do with all of these now, huh?
Laura Petrie: Well, there must be some... needy bald people.

Laura Petrie: [relieved now that all turned out well] Maybe I ought to go on television and tell 'em about your nose.
Alan Brady: [to Rob, alarmed about a second secret getting out] You told her about my nose?
Laura Petrie: Nothing. I know n... Ask Rob. I've always said I liked you without your nose. No!
Rob Petrie: She loves it.
Alan Brady: Did you tell her about my capped teeth?
Laura Petrie: Mm-mm.
Rob Petrie: You've got capped teeth?
Alan Brady: NO!

[Millie and Laura can't decide on how to divide the prizes won on Pay As You Go!, so Rob steps in]
Rob Petrie: There are four prizes, right, Millie? You pick a number between one and ten.
Millie Helper: Ooo, uh, nine.
Rob Petrie: All right. Laura?
Laura Petrie: Three.
Rob Petrie: Three, all right. Uh, what's your favorite tree?
Millie Helper: Weeping willow.
Rob Petrie: Weeping willow.
Laura Petrie: The mighty oak.
Rob Petrie: All right, your favorite planet.
Laura Petrie: Earth.
Millie Helper: She took my planet.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Millie!
Millie Helper: Okay, give me Pluto.
Rob Petrie: Okay. Now that makes you a nine-willow-pluto, and that makes you a ten-oak-earth, so that means, Millie, that you get the dryer - right? - and the vacuum, and Laura gets rotisserie and a projector. That's it.
Millie Helper: Wonderful.
Laura Petrie: Rob, how did you arrive at that?
Rob Petrie: Well, what's the difference? We did it.
[Rob exits smiling slyly to himself, leaving Millie and Laura confounded]

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Lady and the Tiger and the Lawyer (#3.16)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Well, listen, would you like to stay for dinner?
Arthur Stanwyck: Well, thanks, but I have a house full of dust to rearrange.

Laura Petrie: You know what I think he's looking for?
Rob Petrie: What's that?
Laura Petrie: A wife.
Rob Petrie: Yeah? Whose?

Laura Petrie: Will you please remember that this is not a contest? So I hope you're not gonna do anything that would ruin Donna's chances of winning it.

Donna Palmer: Can you see with my glasses?
Arthur Stanwyck: Perfectly.
Laura Petrie: [fawning] Isn't that marvelous? They both have the same prescription.

Rob Petrie: Arthur, would you like a... glass of, uh, wine?
Arthur Stanwyck: Thank you. Thank you, Rob. I'd love one.
Rob Petrie: How 'bout you, Donna?
Donna Palmer: Oh, me too.
Rob Petrie: Okay.
Laura Petrie: [fawning] Ohh, well...
Rob Petrie: Oh, well what?
Laura Petrie: [fawning] They both love wine. Isn't that COMPATIBLE?

Laura Petrie: [rounding on Rob as Donna calls out for help] Did you lock her in the bathroom?

Arthur Stanwyck: Did I say something to shock you?
Laura Petrie: Uh, no, why?
Arthur Stanwyck: Uh... you're... wiping the tray with the cake.
Rob Petrie: [laughing nervously] It's a... sponge cake.

Rob Petrie: D'you ever hear of anybody fallin' in love on second sight?
Laura Petrie: Oh, now that's just ridiculous.
Rob Petrie: Did you ever hear of anybody say "second come, first served?"

Arthur Stanwyck: There's nothing I like better than a good comedy.
Laura Petrie: [worried] More than foreign films and rocks?
Arthur Stanwyck: Oh, I have a wide variety of interests.
Sally Rogers: Hey, you like rocks?
Arthur Stanwyck: I love 'em.
Sally Rogers: Oh, me too - emeralds, sapphires, rubies...
Sally Rogers: [imitating Jimmy Durante] Boy, them's my kinda rocks!
Arthur Stanwyck: Oh, look, y-you're talking to a poor lawyer, not a rich jeweler.
Sally Rogers: [still imitating Durante] Oh, I wasn't suggestin' that you buy them for me, counselor. I'm gonna buy 'em for you!
Arthur Stanwyck: [imitating Jimmy Durante] You're my kinda woman, Mrs. Calabash.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Gesundheit, Darling (#2.12)" (1962)
[Rob, whose sneezing has woken up Laura, gets out of the bed and heads out of the bedroom]
Laura Petrie: Where're you going?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm gonna go to the den and get some sleep!
Laura Petrie: No, you're not. You're going there to sneeze thoughts that I can't hear!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I am going to go to the den to get some sleep so that you don't have to stay up all night saying...
[sneezes again]
Laura Petrie: Gesundheit!

Jerry Helper: Well, Rob, I'm not a psychiatrist, but didn't you notice that every time you lost a game you sneezed?
Laura Petrie: Well, I lost too, Jerry, and I'm not sneezing.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, but, Honey, you don't take defeat as emotionally as Rob. You see, he's suppressing his anger and that anger had to go someplace.
Millie Helper: So it came out his nose?

Laura Petrie: You ARE angry with me.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Laura, how did you figure that?
Laura Petrie: THAT was a hostile sneeze.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It feels like I'm allergic to SOMETHING.
Laura Petrie: To marriage, perhaps? To me?

Laura Petrie: Did you have fun with Freddy today?
Ritchie Petrie: Yeah, we made a new club. I'm the president.
Laura Petrie: Oh, so you're the main one.
Ritchie Petrie: No, Freddy is. He's the king.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: My gosh, I didn't even have to blow my nose all day.
Laura Petrie: THERE'S good news.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Honey, gimme a hug and a kiss.
Laura Petrie: Not if you were the last man on Earth.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [as he starts chasing Laura around the kitchen] Well, I'm... do I... honey, I... it's not for pleasure.
Laura Petrie: Thank you.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, huh... uh, sweetie, it's an experiment.
Laura Petrie: [fleeing into the living room] Then go kiss a guinea pig!

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob...

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I think I'm allergic to Jerry.
Jerry Helper: What?
Millie Helper: You're not making any sense.
Millie Helper: [to Laura] He's not making any sense.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Jerry, gimme a hug.
Jerry Helper: A HUG!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Come on.
Jerry Helper: No... Rob...
[Rob hugs Jerry]
Jerry Helper: ROB...!
[Rob sneezes]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh. Oh, good, good. Oh... All right, Millie, you're next.
Millie Helper: What?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Gimme a hug.
Millie Helper: Laura!
Laura Petrie: Do as he says.
Jerry Helper: Hey!
Millie Helper: Laura says I have to.
[Rob hugs Millie and sneezes]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, boy, now we're gettin' somewhere!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Meershatz Pipe (#1.10)" (1961)
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Daddy doesn't like me.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Ritchie, don't be silly. Your daddy loves you.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: He might love me, but he doesn't like me.

Laura Petrie: What are you doing out of bed?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh! I'm all well! I'm all right. I just had a touch of seven hour virus. It's all gone. I'll just have a last gargle and be right on my way.
[Rob takes the cup from Laura's hand, drinks the liquid and gargles]
Laura Petrie: Rob? Rob! You're gargling with chicken rice soup!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Rice?
Laura Petrie: Yes.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [getting back into bed, resigned] Good. I thought my teeth were falling out.

[Rob is going to work in spite of a cold he has]
Laura Petrie: That foolish man! That foolish, stupid man!
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Why is Daddy stupid?
Laura Petrie: Because he doesn't know how smart he is.

Laura Petrie: Honey, I think you better forget about the office today.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Why?
Laura Petrie: Well, your eyes still have that funny look.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It's because they've been closed all night.

Laura Petrie: Rob, you're not well.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Laurie, I'm perfectly all right.
Laura Petrie: Really? Then how come you can't out-wrestle a 112-pound woman?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Because I'm not really trying, that's why.
Laura Petrie: [pinning him down] Try.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All right, you want to play around? Okay.
[tries to get up, but Laurie keeps him pinned down]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Okay, Gorgeous George, knock it off. All right, so you're stronger than me; what does that prove?
Laura Petrie: It proves you're sick.

Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: [whispering] Mommy.
Laura Petrie: [whispering] Oh, good morning sweetheart. Don't make any noise. Daddy isn't feeling well.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Can I keep the dollar bill?
Laura Petrie: What, sweetie?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Can I keep the dollar bill?
Laura Petrie: Oh, yes, sure, sweetie, keep it.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Can I keep it even if I tell you?
Laura Petrie: Yes. Ritchie? Come here. Tell me what?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: What I'm not supposed to tell you.
Laura Petrie: What aren't you supposed to tell me?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: That Daddy's gone to work.
Laura Petrie: Oh...
Laura Petrie: [now fully awake and shouting] Daddy's gone to work?

Laura Petrie: Rob, nobody can take your place. You're the head writer on The Alan Brady Show because you've got talent, you've got taste, you've got sensitivity.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [pouty] I haven't got a PIPE.

Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Is Daddy stupid because he's smart?
Laura Petrie: Well, not really stupid, dear. I used the wrong word.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: What's the right word?
Laura Petrie: Well, there's a word grownups use to describe the way your daddy's feeling.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Is it "unsecure"?
Laura Petrie: "Unsec..." Where did you hear that word?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: On "Popeye Theater".
Laura Petrie: On "Popeye Theater"?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: Yeah. That's what Olive Oyl called Popeye when he didn't know how strong he was.
Laura Petrie: And who said television wasn't educational?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie' Petrie: I didn't.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Foul Weather Girl (#2.16)" (1963)
Jane Leighton: Oh, my. What a lovely home you have.
Laura Petrie: Thank you. Won't you sit down?
Jane Leighton: Thank you. Oh, if I had known Rob would do THIS well, I might have said yes to him when he proposed to me.
Laura Petrie: Rob, uh, proposed to you?
Jane Leighton: At least twenty times.

Laura Petrie: Well, if you'll excuse me, Miss Leighton, I have a roast in the bathtub and my son's in the oven.

Laura Petrie: Oh, and, Miss Leighton, if you'd like something to read, there's some coffee on the magazine table.

Rob Petrie: You know, you sound exactly like one of those wives in a situation comedy.
Laura Petrie: I'm sorry, Rob. You're right. It... I don't think that you are interested in her. I'm sure you're not. I trust you. I realize that a handsome man like yourself is bound to attract a certain number of coquettish women, and I want you to know I understand this. And if Miss Leighton feels it's necessary to attempt a flirtation with you, I'm not going to be one of those screaming, nagging wives. I'll merely go up to her and quietly kill her. Dinner is ready.
Rob Petrie: Honey, come here.
[He hugs her but Laura stands rigidly]
Laura Petrie: My vegetables are burning!

Laura Petrie: I'm saying that you should do whatever you feel is right, but bear in mind what I feel, because what I feel is a woman's feelings - something you couldn't possibly feel. And whenever you feel, you feel because of your feelings, which are a man's feelings, and... I don't know what I'm talking about, so do what you want and don't bother me.

[Out of nervousness, Rob grinds pepper into one of the cooking pots]
Laura Petrie: I was right. Little Janey IS a homewrecker.
Rob Petrie: What? A homewrecker? Why... Honey, what did she do?
Laura Petrie: [pouring out the cooking pot contents] Well, she started by ruining our chocolate pudding.

Rob Petrie: Now, come on, Honey. You know very well that Jane doesn't mean anything to me. I knew her in high school; I never could find anything about her that attracted or interested me.
Laura Petrie: [sarcastic] Aww. Well, maybe if you spend a little time with her and look hard enough, you'll find something.
Rob Petrie: Laura, she is an OLD FRIEND.
Laura Petrie: She carries her age beautifully.

Rob Petrie: [as he heads out to meet Jane] Honey, what will YOU do this evening?
Laura Petrie: Oh, slam doors, mumble, throw things. I'll keep busy. Good night, Mr. Ziegfeld!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: All About Eavesdropping (#3.5)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Gee, what a beautiful ashtray!
Buddy Sorrell: Gorgeous, gorgeous!
Sally Rogers: Yes.
Laura Petrie: We gave them that ashtray. We gave them this lamp, too.
Rob Petrie: No special reason, just in friendship.
Laura Petrie: That's right.
Sally Rogers: [long, uncomfortable pause] BOY, this is a beautiful ashtray!

Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, let's play "Who Am I", huh? Who am I?
Rob Petrie: We gave you that vase, too.
Jerry Helper: I know, I know, thanks. Who am I?
Rob Petrie: You're not Eleanor Roosevelt, I'll tell you that for sure.
Jerry Helper: Come on. Who am I? Let's play. What do you say, Rob?
Millie Helper: [long, uncomfortable pause] Let's play charades!
Jerry Helper: Charades! Everybody loves charades! Hey, I got it. Laura, Rob and I, we'll be on one team, and Millie, Sally and Buddy, you're on the other.
Millie Helper: Charades all right, Rob? Laura?
Laura Petrie: It's your house.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You didn't give them the house?

Rob Petrie: Hey, Honey, will you bring me a handkerchief?
Laura Petrie: [calling from bedroom] We're only going next door.
Rob Petrie: I can... I can run back here and blow my nose, I guess.

Laura Petrie: We eavesdropped this long, we can eave a drop longer.

Laura Petrie: I mean, after all, where would the world be today, Rob, of it weren't for experiments. We wouldn't be on the moon today!
Rob Petrie: We're not on the moon.
Laura Petrie: That's beside the point.

[What should Jerry and Millie apologize for?]
Rob Petrie: Well, because, uh... they... didn't know what we heard, but they are guilty because they know they said it, even though they didn't know that we know, you know?
Laura Petrie: What?
Rob Petrie: You unscramble it. There's a good sentence in there somewhere.

Laura Petrie: What're you gonna do with the wine?
Rob Petrie: Well, if, uh, we're gonna go next door and, uh, swallow our pride and eat some crow, we'd better have some good wine to wash it down with.

[in a game of Charades, Laura pantomimes violent antics for teammates Jerry and Rob to guess a song title]
Jerry Helper: The whole thing? Okay. Uh, march!
Rob Petrie: Yeah. Walk. Stomp! Stomp all over people! Walk all over people! Goose step! Treachery. Treachery. Two-faced. Two-faced. Stab! Stab in the back, stab in the back!
[Laura points to Millie and Jerry]
Jerry Helper: Uh... Uh, point! Point! Finger! Finger!
Rob Petrie: Accuse, indict, uh, malicious accusory.
[Laura grabs Millie and Jarry's faces]
Rob Petrie: Two-faced, that's right. Pearl Harbor! I GOT IT!
Jerry Helper: What is it?
Rob Petrie: "On the Street Where You Live."
Laura Petrie: Right!
Jerry Helper: [snatching up the paper with the answer] Hey, that IS right!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ballad of the Betty Lou (#3.10)" (1963)
Jerry Helper: Rob, you know, for a guy who knows something about everything, you sure know nothing about boats.
Rob Petrie: Well, when you're brought up in the mid-west, it's a long walk to the beach, Jerry.
Laura Petrie: [popping her head out from the kitchen] Hey, Rob? I prefer the beach.
Rob Petrie: Get back in the galley.

Rob Petrie: Look, the only area of a conflict is when there's a difference of opinion, right? I don't know the first thing about boats, so that I don't have any opinion at all; Jerry knows everything about boats. See? He could be the commodore, and I'd be the first mate.
Jerry Helper: Uh, no, no, Rob. I'll be the captain and you'll be the seaman.
Rob Petrie: FIrst class?
Jerry Helper: Third.
Laura Petrie: Fellas, it took you a long time to build this friendship. Don't kill it.

Rob Petrie: [not knowing Laura easily suffers seasickness] It'll be fun.
Laura Petrie: I don't think so.
Rob Petrie: Why?
Laura Petrie: Well, because ever since I was a kid, I've hardly ever had a good time while nauseous.
Rob Petrie: You were sick?
Laura Petrie: Yes, I was.
Rob Petrie: When?
Laura Petrie: From the moment you told me we were going on Alan's boat.
Rob Petrie: Well, you sat there the whole afternoon and you smiled.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, well, behind those happy teeth was a very sad stomach.

Laura Petrie: If you insist on having a hobby that does not include me, that canceled our patio furniture, that's ruining a trip to the national parks, if you don't mind going back on your promise to let Ritchie spit in the Grand Canyon, if you feel it's necessary to have a hobby that's going to make you and Jerry mortal enemies, then go right ahead, get your boat, and sail away.
Rob Petrie: And, uh, what will YOU do?
Laura Petrie: Oh, I'll be the same sweet, charming, adorable girl I've always been - but NOT to YOU.

Rob Petrie: Honey, could you just for a minute forget that you're my wife or that I'm your husband?
Laura Petrie: [archly] Oh?

Rob Petrie: Honey, if you don't want me to go, just say so.
Laura Petrie: I don't want you to go.
Rob Petrie: Honey, let... let me put it another way.

Laura Petrie: And it's silly to say things that you don't mean in the heat of wetness.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Attempted Marriage (#2.3)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: [reading the inscription engraved upon a silver platter] It says, "To Sergeant Petrie, Good luck and happiness on your marriage." Where'd you find this, Rich?
Ritchie Petrie: In the basement.
Laura Petrie: There's more, darling.
Rob Petrie: [bemused] I know there's more. "To Laura, In case he backs out again, you can marry us - Company E, 35th Battalion, Camp Crowder, Missouri."

Laura Petrie: [noticing Rob's agitation] Rob, are you all right?
Rob Petrie: [nervous] Oh, yeah. I'm fine. It's just that... it's awful cold out tonight.
Laura Petrie: Cold? It must be eighty degrees.
Rob Petrie: Is it?
[checks his watch for confirmation]

Laura Petrie: I think you've caught a cold. You're shivering.
Rob Petrie: Well, It's... a family trait. All the male members of my family shiver when they're... about to propose marriage.
Laura Petrie: Is that what you're about to do?
Rob Petrie: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Laura, will you marry me?
Laura Petrie: You want me to marry you?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, very much.
Laura Petrie: [starting to shiver] Oh.
Rob Petrie: But... YOU'RE shivering.
Laura Petrie: Well, all the female members of my family react this when they accept marriage proposals.

Laura Petrie: Oh, just think, next Sunday I'll be Mrs. Robert Petrie.
Rob Petrie: [nervously] Yeah... Sunday. Are you scared?
Laura Petrie: No.
Rob Petrie: So am I.

Rob Petrie: I hate to see you cry like this.
Laura Petrie: Well, it's the only way I know how to cry.

[Rob tries to get through his second planned wedding date but his ears are stuffed up from a severe cold, making it impossible to hear anything]
Chaplain Berger: Robert Petrie, would thou have this woman to be thy wife, to love and to cherish, in sickness...
Rob Petrie: [happily] I do.
[Chaplain shakes head]
Rob Petrie: [confused] I... I don't?
Chaplain Berger: sickness and in health, until death do you part?
[Rob doesn't realize it's his cue but begins to notice others staring at him]
Rob Petrie: Uh, I do.
Chaplain Berger: And do you, Laura, take this man to love and to cherish in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Laura Petrie: [looking at Rob] I do.
Rob Petrie: [thinking he's being cued] Uh, I do.
[Chaplain shakes head]
Rob Petrie: [confused] I... I don't?
Chaplain Berger: There be anyone present who knows why these two should not be joined in lawful wedlock, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Rob Petrie: [happily and confidently thinking it's his cue] I do.
[Chaplain slams his Holy Bible shut]

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Your Home Sweet Home Is My Home (#4.25)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: I don't want a rock in my basement.
Laura Petrie: Why? It's not doing anything.

Rob Petrie: Tomorrow we will find the house we want or I will have the baby for you.
Laura Petrie: I'll hold you to that.
Rob Petrie: I'll find a house.

Rob Petrie: Remember how long it took us to find THIS house.
Laura Petrie: One day.
Rob Petrie: Oh. Well, see? One day we'll find another one.

Laura Petrie: How could you talk us out of something we didn't want?
Jerry Helper: Well, to make you fell better. If you wanted it, we wouldn't have talked you out of it. I mean, we don't go around talking people out of things they want.

Laura Petrie: Oh... oh, Rob, ask him if it has a service porch.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Uh, does it have a service porch?
Millie Helper: Are the colors the same?
Rob Petrie: [into the phone] Are, uh... are the, uh, colors the same?
Rob Petrie: [to Laura and Millie] Uh, yes and no.
Laura Petrie: Uh, yes to who?
Rob Petrie: Yes to you?
Millie Helper: What to me?
Rob Petrie: No.
Millie Helper: I forgot what I asked.
Jerry Helper: The colors.
Millie Helper: Oh, yeah. Are the colors the same?
Jerry Helper: No!
Millie Helper: How do YOU know?
Jerry Helper: He just told ya.

Laura Petrie: Oh, ask him how many closets in the master bedroom.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, and any storage closets in the basement.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Okay. How many closets in the master? Are there any storage closets in the basement?
Millie Helper: How many baths?
Rob Petrie: Uh, none?
Millie Helper: No baths?
Rob Petrie: [to Millie] No storage closet. I didn't ask him yours yet.
[back into the phone]
Rob Petrie: How many bathrooms? Uh, okay.
[to the group]
Rob Petrie: One walk-in...
Millie Helper: What is THAT?
Rob Petrie: Closets in the bedroom. Let's wait your turn.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, with one bathroom, you have to.

Rob Petrie: Look, no matter what he said, we want both of those houses, right? If there was no fireplace, no trees, and then there was... surrounded by a pig farm.
Millie Helper, Laura Petrie: Right.
Jerry Helper: [simultaneously] Right, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Let's close the deal.
Millie Helper: I don't know about the pig farm.
Jerry Helper: There's no pig farm.
Millie Helper: Well he just said...
Rob Petrie: No, the pigs are a symbol of our friendship.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It May Look Like a Walnut (#2.20)" (1963)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, what a nightmare! What a night... I dreamed that I was a Twylo-ite. And I lost my sense of humor and my thumbs!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [looking at his thumbs] Oh!
[kisses them fervently]
Laura Petrie: I dreamt that Danny Thomas was chasing me and throwing walnuts at me, and every place he'd hit me I'd lose a thumb and grow an eye!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Laura...
Laura Petrie: My name is not Laura. It's Lolak. Lolak of Twilo.
Laura Petrie: [parting the hair on the back of her head toward Rob] I SEE yooooou.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Honey, you just set the alarm for an hour from now.
Laura Petrie: That's right. If Kolak and his activated walnuts are gonna come after me in my dreams, I'll be saved by the bell.

Laura Petrie: Darling, I'll hit you with pleasure but it won't get you back your thumbs.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: What're you doing?
Laura Petrie: Getting a drink of fresh air.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: You want to watch TV?
Laura Petrie: I suppose so.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Good, I'll see if I can get Insomnia Theater.
[flips through channels]
Exercise Instructor: One and two and one...
Laura Petrie: Who does exercises at this hour?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [points to the TV] This guy.

Laura Petrie: [surfaces from under the covers] Rob, can't you turn that movie off? It's scaring me.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Honey, not during the climax!
Laura Petrie: Well can't you watch it out in the living room?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Go back under.
[Laura groans and pulls the covers up again]

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Pink Pills and Purple Parents (#4.10)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Rob, how can you have an Italian motif without wine bottles? So far, we've only got three. I wish you'd drink more.

Laura Petrie: [panicking over an impending, first-time visit from Rob's parents] What am I gonna serve them?
Rob Petrie: Oh, that IS a problem. Maybe I can steal a loaf of bread somewhere.

Laura Petrie: Rob says, if you're tense, you should let it out in an honest, intelligent manner.
Millie Helper: Yeah? What's HE do?
Laura Petrie: He hits his fist against the door.

[Laura says she felt a little dizzy]
Clara Petrie: Dizzy? Laura, you're not...
Rob Petrie: Oh, well, no, Mom. Honey, you're, uh... you're not, are you?
Laura Petrie: No, I'm not!
Rob Petrie: She's not.
Sam Petrie: Not what?
Clara Petrie: Oh, Sam. Grow up.
Sam Petrie: Oh, THAT'S what she's not.

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!

Rob Petrie: Laura, what is the MATTER with you?
Laura Petrie: I'm looking for the spoon.
Rob Petrie: It's in your hand.
Laura Petrie: Gee, isn't it funny how it's always the last place you look?

Laura Petrie: Laura Petrie
[as she serves ice cream]
Laura Petrie: One for Robbie, one for Moo-Moo, one for Daddy and one for Laurie!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Blonde-Haired Brunette (#1.2)" (1961)
[Laura, with Millie's help, had dyed her hair blonde and talks to Rob on the phone]
Laura Petrie: Well, honey, what if I were a blonde? Would I be as attractive to you if I were a blonde?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: No, I can't picture you as a blonde. No, wait a minute! Yes, I can! You know who you'd look like?
Laura Petrie: Who?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Harpo Marx!
Laura Petrie: [to Millie] He said I'd look like Harpo Marx!
[Check herself out in a mirror]
Laura Petrie: [horrified] And I do!

[Laura tries to awaken Rob with a kiss but he brushes her aside]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [mostly still asleep] Don't do that!
Laura Petrie: [to herself] "Don't do that?" He used to love me to do that. Hm! My Prince Charming! - promised to slay dragons for me - won't even get up to have breakfast with me on his day off. Well, I guess it's natural for a husband to behave this way after so many years of marriage, but I still feel like eating breakfast with HIM.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [cheerfully] Hello, honey. How's my old lady?
Laura Petrie: [offended] What did you say?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: How's my old lady?
Laura Petrie: Well, I don't know. I haven't spoken to your mother lately, but I'M fine.

Millie Helper: I'll have to call the drug store.
Laura Petrie: Well, how long will it take?
Millie Helper: Until I finish dialing.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [looking at a glass of orange juice] Honey, there's pits and seeds and orange flesh in this orange juice. You know how meticulous I am about my orange juice.
Laura Petrie: [seeing Rob wearing a tattered sweater] Not too meticulous about the way you dress, are you? My, don't you look dashing.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, thank you, my dear.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [pointing at Laura's half-blonde hair] You're bleaching your hair blonde!
Millie Helper: We're not bleaching her hair blonde!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I suppose it's turning by itself?
Laura Petrie: [on the verge of tears] We're dying it back to its natural colors.
Millie Helper: Laura's been a blonde all afternoon.
Laura Petrie: ALL afternoon!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Honey, why?
Laura Petrie: [close to sobbing] Why? Well, yesterday morning, and I kissed you... and you said, "Don't do that!"... And you came down to breakfast in your yucky shirt... And the orange juice and the flesh and the pits and seeds... And the gray hair... And the Harpo Marx... And the general yuckiness...
[breaks down sobbing as she buries herself in Rob's arms, who hugs back]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Aw, I'm sorry. I understand, honey. I understand.
Millie Helper: You do?
[Rob nods]
Millie Helper: Um... I think I'll come back after dinner and finish the job. Bye!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ghost of A. Chantz (#4.2)" (1964)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All I know is that there's someone that wants us to leave here.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, yeah, me, me!
Sally Rogers: Look, Rob, I'm with Buddy. This is getting to be like a bad horror movie. All we're missing is Vincent Price and the thunder and the lightning.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I'm scared!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, I agree that we should leave here, but let's not lose our heads now.
[Buddy and Sally open the door to leave, thunder and lightning start, they come back in and put down their bags]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: All that's missing now is Vincent Price.
[There is a knock on the bedroom door and it opens by itself]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: The door's open, the door's open.
Sally Rogers: [nervously] Vincent?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [all piled into the hide-a-bed] Anybody asleep?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You nuts?
Sally Rogers: Who could sleep?
Laura Petrie: I am fast awake.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: My heart's beating so hard it's gonna knock the covers off.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, it's been over two hours now and nothing strange or unusual has happened.
Sally Rogers: No? What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed with their clothes on?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Ghosts, ghosts! That's what it was! This place is haunted like they said.
Sally Rogers: Who said? A ghost haunted? Who said?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Rob!
Laura Petrie: Rob?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I didn't.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: He did!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It isn't!
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: It is!
Laura Petrie: Well, is it?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I never said...
Sally Rogers: Well, who?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who who who? It's what he says!
Laura Petrie: Did you?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I didn't. No, the guy I saw...
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, yeah, there was a guy told Rob that the... that the place is haunted! And he says there's a guy got murdered here and he's coming back and he's gonna get all of us!
Sally Rogers: Who?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who? That's the ghost with the mustache!

Laura Petrie: Be a good sport. After all, you were the biggest chicken of us all.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You did some pretty good cluckin' there yourself.

Sally Rogers: Those guys have been acting strange all evening, I wonder what's with them?
Laura Petrie: I think Buddy's just homesick, he probably misses Pickles.
Sally Rogers: Well what's with Rob?
Laura Petrie: He misses me.
Sally Rogers: Hey Laura, I can go sleep on the porch.

Laura Petrie: Move over, sissy, your ma is tired.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, your dad's good looking but we're still not getting a room.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Man from 'Emperor' (#4.5)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: Hey, I just called to see if you started dinner yet.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Rob Petrie: Well, uh, uh, Drew Patton's here and he wanted to discuss that deal I told you about.
Laura Petrie: Oh? Well, I thought you decided you didn't want to have anything to do with that magazine.
Rob Petrie: No, honey, that was YOU who didn't.

Laura Petrie: Oh, boy. How do you entertain the king of self-indulgence?

Drew Patton: Well, how do you feel about, uh, 'Emperor Magazine'?
Laura Petrie: You really want an honest opinion?
Drew Patton: Sure.
Laura Petrie: Well, I feel pretty much the way Rob does. The writing in that magazine is so good that you really don't need all those pictures.

Rob Petrie: Well, Drew, haven't you ever found a girl you'd like to settle down with?
Drew Patton: Oh, Rob, every day of my life.
Laura Petrie: Well, then, how come you've never married one of them?
Drew Patton: Because if I did, every husband in America would be upset.

Drew Patton: Every guy in America gets vicarious kicks out of the way I live.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, I see what you mean.
Laura Petrie: You do?
Rob Petrie: Yeah.
Laura Petrie: You gets vicarious kicks out of the way he lives?
Rob Petrie: Oh, I, no, I... I'm... I see... I see what... what he... means about them, honey, but I... guys, you know, who like that kind of... of a thing.
Drew Patton: Uh, do you, uh... do you believe him, Laura?
Laura Petrie: Oh course I believe him. Rob's never given me any reason not to.
Drew Patton: If Rob says that, uh, he doesn't envy the kind of life that I lead, he's one of two things. He's either, um, a liar or he's, uh, scared.
Laura Petrie: No, I don't think he's either one of those things.
Drew Patton: Oh, in that case, he's dead.

Drew Patton: Every guy - EVERY GUY - envies the kind of life I lead. Can you deny that, Rob?
Laura Petrie: Rob aren't you going to deny that?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, huh, right, um, right after dinner.
Drew Patton: Why, uh, why after dinner?
Rob Petrie: Well, I'd... I'd like to deny it in such a way that I don't make Laura mad, and I, uh, save a little self-respect for myself, and Drew doesn't think I'm a sissy.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Teacher's Petrie (#3.32)" (1964)
[Rob suspects people of being nice to Laura and Ritchie in order to get to him]
Rob Petrie: First they start out being nice to you, and then all of a sudden they ask me if I'll give a lecture or write a play or collaborate on something.
Laura Petrie: All right, name one person who ever did that. I bet you can't name one.
Rob Petrie: The Chairman of the Parents' Council, Mrs. something-or-other. And the... the vice-president of the bank, honey. He kept giving you extra pens, and he finally asked me to write him an act.
Laura Petrie: Uh-huh.
Rob Petrie: And who... who was it from the...?
Laura Petrie: See? Ya can't name ANY of 'em.

Ritchie Petrie: [told to go to bed] Should I shut the door so I don't hear the fight?
Rob Petrie: There's no fight, Rich. Go to bed.
Laura Petrie: And shut the door.

Laura Petrie: You wouldn't let Buddy and Sally read this, would you?
Rob Petrie: D'you want Buddy and Sally's opinion?
Laura Petrie: I would LOVE it. They are honest, intelligent people. They haven't got any axes to grind. At least they'd be objective about it. I would WELCOME their opinion.
Rob Petrie: [accepting Laura's paper] Well, all right, but I'll tell you they're professional writers, just like me, and they're gonna admit that this is not very good.
Laura Petrie: [snatching her paper back] What do they know?

Rob Petrie: Look, I know what you've been trying to do with Laura. I just came down to tell you it's all right with me.
Laura Petrie: ROB! Darling, you don't know what you're saying.
Rob Petrie: Yes, I do, honey. Look, it's better than fighting.

Rob Petrie: [suspiciously] Uh-huh.
Laura Petrie: What "uh-huh?"
Rob Petrie: [with a smile] Oh, noth... nothin'.
Laura Petrie: Rob, that "nothing" was something.
Rob Petrie: Huh?
Laura Petrie: You never say "nothing" unless you mean "something."
Rob Petrie: Well, no, it was just a nothing "nothing," that's all.

Millie Helper: You ready to go to class?
Laura Petrie: Yeah. Rob will be here in a minute. I just have to finish typing this.
Millie Helper: Jerry typed mine. The idiot, he typed the whole thing with one hand.
Laura Petrie: How come?
Millie Helper: He was holdin' his nose with the other one.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Great Petrie Fortune (#5.7)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Honey, those aren't just marbles.
Laura Petrie: What do you mean?
Rob Petrie: Well, they're all puries.

Laura Petrie: Ohh, look what the dumb desk did.

Rob Petrie: We got three wishes! Aladdin's Lamp!
Laura Petrie: I wish you'd stop acting so silly.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I wish you'd open it!
Laura Petrie: Come on!
Rob Petrie: I wish you'd all be quiet! That's three wishes. We just blew it.

[after first checking that he's alone, Rob attempts to see if Uncle Hezekiah's old oil lamp is in fact Aladdin's lamp. He rubs it then carefully open the top lid]
Laura Petrie: [having come up behind him unheard] Yes?
Rob Petrie: [nearly jumping out of his skin] OH!

Laura Petrie: You're-you're not thinking of selling it, are you?
Rob Petrie: Huh? I'm not? Well, I mean... Well, of course not. Why not?

Rob Petrie: Why'd you have to think of that, anyway?
Laura Petrie: I only thought of it a couple seconds before you would have.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, but it makes you nicer than me, anyhow.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Night the Roof Fell In (#2.9)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: You're gonna have to talk to that boy.
Rob Petrie: I would love to. You just sent him to bed!

Laura Petrie: Millie, he's never not come home before. If anything's happened to him, I'll kill him!

Rob Petrie: Ritchie say anything cute today?
Laura Petrie: No, not that I can remember.
Rob Petrie: Well, tell him to get with it! What is the use of having a kid around the house if he can't be cute?

Millie Helper: [after hearing Laura's version of what happened] Now, Laura, Rob didn't say ALL those things.
Laura Petrie: Millie, I give you my word.
Millie Helper: Oh, come on. I know Rob.
Laura Petrie: Well, maybe he didn't say ALL those words, but that's what it sounded like to me.

Laura Petrie: Well, I know what you're thinking. Why don't you say it? Go on! Out with it! Out with what's on your mind! Tell me I'm overweight! Tell me you're sorry you ever married me!
Rob Petrie: Well, now, honey, I'm sorry.
[realizes immediately but too late how that sounded]

Laura Petrie: [after Rob sees Ritchie's poor spelling test grade] Rob, we promised: no more yelling.
Rob Petrie: That's right.
Ritchie Petrie: Here, Daddy, sign it.
Rob Petrie: Nope. First we eat, then we sign.
Laura Petrie: But... no yelling.
Rob Petrie: No yelling - but a lot of loud "discussion."

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Am My Brother's Keeper (#1.26)" (1962)
[Rob wants to get his brother a hotel room for his visit]
Laura Petrie: Rob, I won't hear of it. He's the one relative of ours I'm really dying to know better.

Laura Petrie: Listen, Stace, how come you always call Rob "Burford?"
Stacey Petrie: Yeah, he looks like a Burford, doesn't he?

Rob Petrie: Didn't it seem to you that Stacy was acting a little strangely?
Laura Petrie: No, he was acting like a fellow who was happy to see us. He was spirited, joyful and bubbly.
Rob Petrie: Right - three things that Stacy ordinarily is not, unless...
Laura Petrie: Unless what?
Rob Petrie: Well, honey, you're gonna find out sooner or later anyway. I might just as well tell you: My brother Stacy has a problem.

Rob Petrie: Stacy's a...
Laura Petrie: A what?
Rob Petrie: A somnambulist.
Laura Petrie: A somnambulist? A sleepwalker?
Rob Petrie: The best in the world.

Laura Petrie: How can you tell he's asleep?
Rob Petrie: Well, you notice Stace wasn't wearing his glasses?
Laura Petrie: So?
Rob Petrie: He always wears his glasses when he's awake. The only time he takes them off is when he's asleep. And you heard him call me Burford?
Laura Petrie: Yeah.
Rob Petrie: Well, when he's that way he calls everybody "Burford."

Rob Petrie: Hey, it's gettin' late! Boy, we better attack those ribs before the gang gets here.
Stacey Petrie: What gang?
Rob Petrie: Oh, I invited a few of the neighbors and some of the guys from the office over. I thought you might like to meet 'em.
Stacey Petrie: Uh, gee, I'm a... a little tired, Rob. Will I have time to grab a nap first?
Laura Petrie: But, Stacey, you just had a nap.
Stacey Petrie: I-I get more rest when I'm awake than those kind of naps.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Mother Can Beat Up My Father (#4.1)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: [seeing Rob in traction] Darling, does... does it hurt very much?
Rob Petrie: Only when I do ANYTHING.

Laura Petrie: I mean, just because your male ego took a beating today is no reason to attack my femininity.

Laura Petrie: My, aren't YOU in a good mood?
Rob Petrie: No, I am... serene.
Laura Petrie: Oh? How many "serenes" did ya have?

Laura Petrie: Boy, you're just dying to let me have it, aren't you?

Rob Petrie: [setting up to demonstrate his newly acquired judo knowledge on Ritchie's stuffed monkey] See, I'll be you and the monkey will be me.
Laura Petrie: Good casting.

Rob Petrie: You know, s-some of these guys had the nerve to come up to me today and say, "Well, I understand your wife can beat cha up,"
Laura Petrie: And what difference does it make?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, what difference... What DIFFERENCE does it MAKE?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Viva Petrie (#5.9)" (1965)
Manuel Rodriguez: But you can't expect me to marry Maria. She thinks I'm a coward.
Laura Petrie: Well, SURE you can.
Manuel Rodriguez: No, I can't. If SHE was a coward, I wouldn't marry HER.

Laura Petrie: Oh, Manuel, you startled me.
Manuel Rodriguez: Oh, thank you.

Laura Petrie: He heard my roast beef is hard...
Rob Petrie: It's all over town.

Rob Petrie: I mean, for a guy who's supposed to be a bullfighter, he doesn't ACT like a guy who's supposed to be a bullfighter.
Laura Petrie: Well, how should a bullfighter act?
Rob Petrie: Well, not like him, honey. They... they're haughty, proud, mysterious - and they're brave. He saw a spider in the garage; I had to kill it - and I HATE 'em.
Laura Petrie: So? So, he's not a spider fighter.

Laura Petrie: He doesn't really look like any of the bullfighters I know.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Girls Will Be Boys (#4.23)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: Rob, our son is a terrible liar.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: That's what I think.
Laura Petrie: No, I mean he's a terrible liar. He doesn't tell lies well. I know when he IS lying, Rob, and he wasn't about this girl.

Laura Petrie: I mean, being beaten up by a girl makes him a sissy, and who ever heard of a boy saying he was a sissy on purpose?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A lot of guys in the army tried it.

Laura Petrie: Rob, Ritchie is scared to go to school tomorrow.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, he didn't tell me that.
Laura Petrie: No, of course not. He tells you the brave things. When he's chicken, he talks to me.

[Rob and Laura decide to give Ritchie permission to hit the girl who's been beating him up at school]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Call him out and tell him.
Laura Petrie: Me? Why me?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, honey, it's a mother's place to tell a little boy to hit a girl.
Laura Petrie: What makes it a mother's place?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: The father who tells the mother that it's her place.

Ritchie Petrie: I never kissed a girl before.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, you kissed Mommy.
Ritchie Petrie: That's not the same.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, yes it is.
Laura Petrie: No, it isn't.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Don't confuse him, honey.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I'd Rather Be Bald Than Have No Head at All (#3.31)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: Honey, wake up a second.
Laura Petrie: [half-asleep] Rob, the coffee's in the pot, the toast is on the table, and the eggs are in the oven.
Rob Petrie: Honey, I don't care if the frost is on the pumpkin. I want you to wake up for just a second.

Rob Petrie: [waking Laura] Honey, I want to ask you something very important.
Laura Petrie: Well, what's the matter?
Rob Petrie: Would you marry Mel Cooley?
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob...

[Rob fears going bald]
Laura Petrie: Well, what do you want me to say, Rob? That I'll love you no matter what? That I'll... stick with you through thick or thin, so to speak?

Laura Petrie: Rob, you are not going to put a head full of oil and vinegar on my good pillowcases.
Rob Petrie: I wasn't planning to.
Laura Petrie: Well, then where were you going to sleep, in the refrigerator?

Sally Rogers: Well, if you use salad dressing, you can't expect to grow meatloaf.
Laura Petrie: Now you'll have to sleep with your head in the refrigerator.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is the Best One (#3.15)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Behind every great man...
Rob Petrie: a woman with a big mouth.

[Newstime Magazine mentions Rob's name eleven times but Alan Brady's only seven]
Laura Petrie: Do you mean to tell me that he is so small and petty that he counted how many times his name was mentioned?
Rob Petrie: The bigger they are, the harder they count.

Laura Petrie: Oh, ROB! Are you saying it's MY fault?

Rob Petrie: [explaining why he didn't try harder to keep Laura quiet] Because even though I was embarrassed by everything you said, I sat there and I enjoyed every minute of it! I guess, deep down in my subconscious, I was in complete agreement with you, that's why!
Laura Petrie: Then why are you shouting at me?
Rob Petrie: I'm shouting at ME. You're just in the way.

Diane Moseby: Oh, but does Alan Brady contribute anything to the script?
Rob Petrie: Oh, my, yes. He's VERY creative. One of the biggest contributors.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, he signs Rob's checks every week.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Three Letters from One Wife (#4.9)" (1964)
Millie Helper: Huh.
Laura Petrie: Millie, what was that "huh?"
Millie Helper: Just "huh."
Laura Petrie: No, Millie, I know you a little too well. That was no ordinary "huh." Now, what are you thinking?

[Millie sent fourteen letters praising Alan Brady for a show that didn't air]
Laura Petrie: We have nothing to worry about.
Millie Helper: Oh, good.
Laura Petrie: What do I mean "we?"
Millie Helper: You and me.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, that's what I mean. It is not you and me. It's just you.
Millie Helper: But you didn't tell me not to do it!
Laura Petrie: Millie, I didn't tell you anything, I didn't even know what you were talking about, and I certainly didn't think you'd mail them before the show.

Laura Petrie: Now, I think the first thing we have to do is say nothing to Rob.
Millie Helper: Ooo, I like that first thing.

[Rob can't take another week of Alan's anxieties and needling over a risky show that become preempted due to a flooded subway]
Laura Petrie: Rob, something has come up that I, as your wife, feel that you should know.
Rob Petrie: If it'll make me happy, go ahead and tell me, if not, save it, because it could drive me over the brink.
Millie Helper: [bursting out in tears] Oh, Rob, I'm so sorry! Y-you don't ever have to speak to me ever again.
Rob Petrie: [levelly] It's not gonna me me happy, is it?
Laura Petrie: I don't think so.
Rob Petrie: Did she kill Jerry?
Laura Petrie: Rob, is has to do with the program.
Rob Petrie: SHE flooded the subway?
Millie Helper: [distraught] I was only trying to help!
Rob Petrie: [incredulously] She DID flood the subway?

Laura Petrie: Rob? Are you all right?
Rob Petrie: [laughing continuously] I couldn't be worse.
Millie Helper: Rob, what can I do?
Rob Petrie: Take advantage of my temporary insanity and get out of here.
[Millie runs out]
Laura Petrie: [trying to comfort Rob] Darling...
Rob Petrie: [unable to stop laughing] Don't touch me.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: October Eve (#3.28)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Listen, Sally, if it's the one I think it is, I can explain.
Sally Rogers: If you have to explain, it's the one you think it is.

Rob Petrie: [trying to figure how Sally's phone call upset Laura] Honey, there... nothing the matter with you? Are you...? You're not gonna have another...
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob! Would Sally call and tell me THAT?

Laura Petrie: You know what your problem is? You're just too much in love with yourself.
Sergei Carpetna: Right. And even I'm not good enough for me.

Laura Petrie: [posing for her portrait] My husband is gonna be so excited.
Sergei Carpetna: That peasant. What does he know? Jokes, he writes for Milton Berle.
Laura Petrie: No, Alan Brady.
Sergei Carpetna: What's the difference. He's a jolly jokester, a peasant. He should kiss the ground of a girl like you.
Laura Petrie: Well, I love him.
Sergei Carpetna: So you're a peasant, too.

Laura Petrie: I wanted a painting for Rob, a picture of me exactly the way I look in this outfit!
Sergei Carpetna: For that kind of a picture you take a camera, you go to Central Park, you get on a pony and snap your brains out.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: You Ought to Be in Pictures (#5.28)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: I offered to do a little punching up of the script.
Laura Petrie: Are you gonna be paid?
Rob Petrie: No.
Laura Petrie: Well, then the whole thing is more like a glorified home movie, huh?

Laura Petrie: Ah, Rob, I just think you ought to find out a little more about it before you commit yourself.
Rob Petrie: Well, I know everything.
Laura Petrie: When do you start?
Rob Petrie: Oh, I don't know.
Laura Petrie: You have to join a union?
Rob Petrie: G... I don't know.
Laura Petrie: How long is it gonna take?
Rob Petrie: Well, I... I don't know. I better find out more about this.

Laura Petrie: You have something terrible to tell me, don't you?
Rob Petrie: No.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, I think you do.
Rob Petrie: Honey, that's a picture of the camera.
Laura Petrie: The what?
Rob Petrie: The... that's the... the... girl who's gonna play Rita Rivera.
Laura Petrie: And instead of the lens, you're gonna be kissing HER?
Rob Petrie: May I?

Rob Petrie: Honey, the reason I brought this home was to discover just how upset you'd be if I made love to her. Obv... you know... within the confines of my movie career.
Laura Petrie: Well, how upset do you THINK I should be... within the confines of your movie career?
Rob Petrie: Well, I'd... based on what you know about me, I'd say not at all; but, uh, based on what you've seen of her, I-I'd... quite a bit.

Rob Petrie: Well, Mr. Merkle and I had little difference of opinion.
Laura Petrie: About what?
Rob Petrie: Well, I wanted to play the part MY way and he kept insisting I do it RIGHT.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Life and Love of Joe Coogan (#3.17)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: I just don't see why a happily married woman has to keep a box full of strange love sonnets hidden down in her basement.
Laura Petrie: They're not HIDDEN in the basement.
Rob Petrie: They're not? I didn't see any shoebox down there.
Laura Petrie: Well, you're just not very observant, that's all, 'cause they're... lying right there.
Rob Petrie: Where?
Laura Petrie: By the furnace.
Rob Petrie: There's no shoebox by that furnace.
Laura Petrie: Well, they're there. They're... right behind some loose bricks.

Laura Petrie: Rob, would it make you happy if I burned them? Is that what you want? You just say the word, dear, and I will burn them.
Rob Petrie: Burn them.
Laura Petrie: No, sir. Not if you're gonna take THAT attitude.

Laura Petrie: Why did I only keep Joe Coogan's love sonnets and not Phillip Cabot's or Jim Darling's?
Millie Helper: Did they wrote you sonnets too?
Laura Petrie: No.
Millie Helper: Well, maybe that's why.

Laura Petrie: Well, what am I gonna do?
Millie Helper: About what?
Laura Petrie: About sonnets, Joe Coogan, my husband, my guilt?
Millie Helper: Well, I'd say keep the sonnets, keep your husband, get rid of your guilt, and see Joe Coogan again.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Mille, this is no joke.
Millie Helper: Who's joking. It's the only way you're gonna get rid of your guilt, by seeing him again, then you'll find out all the reasons why you didn't find him as attractive as your husband.

Laura Petrie: [fighting with Rob over the phone] And I object to your tone.
Rob Petrie: You're gonna hear a dial tone in a minute 'cause I'm gonna hang up.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Go Tell the Birds and the Bees (#5.10)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: What's wrong?
Laura Petrie: Well, it seems that Ritchie has been giving lectures to the other children.
Rob Petrie: What kind of lectures?
Laura Petrie: On the facts of life.

Dr. Gormsley: [reading Ritchie's version of reproduction] When a mommy and a daddy want a baby, they put a silver dollar under their pillow when they go to sleep at night.
Laura Petrie: A silver dollar under their pillow?
Rob Petrie: Oh, boy.
Dr. Gormsley: And when they wake up and find the silver dollar is gone, they know that Mr. Cabbage has been there.
Laura Petrie: Mr. Cabbage?
Dr. Gormsley: Mr. Cabbage takes the silver dollar to Esmeralda the queen tomato, and in front of the other vegetables...
Dr. Gormsley and Rob: [together] ... three broccolis and a radish...
Rob Petrie: [alone] ... Esmeralda plants a baby seed in a magic garden saying, "Starlight, star bright, we're gonna grow a baby tonight."
Laura Petrie: Rob!
Dr. Gormsley: Then this IS familiar to you, Mr. Petrie.
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, yeah. And on a... on a bright and sunny morning, nestled in a... in a nest of, uh, lettuce leaves, is a beautiful pink pumpkin.
Laura Petrie: A pink pumpkin?
Rob Petrie: Well, if it's a girl. Boys come in blue pumpkins.

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!

Rob Petrie: It's just that, Rich, there's a little confusion about what you're tellin' the kids at school; I'd like to clear it up if I can.
Ritchie Petrie: Oh, you mean about the babies and all that stuff.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, that... that's right, dear.
Ritchie Petrie: But I didn't tell 'em what you told me not to tell.
Rob Petrie: Well, who told you what to tell 'em?
Ritchie Petrie: Nobody. I made it up.
Laura Petrie: You made it up?
Ritchie Petrie: Yeah. Grampa's story about Mr. Cabbage was silly.
Rob Petrie: Well, right, right.
Ritchie Petrie: And your story about the eggs and everything made a lot of sense.
Rob Petrie: Of course it did.
Ritchie Petrie: But you said I shouldn't tell that story to anybody.
Rob Petrie: Right again.
Ritchie Petrie: So I had to make one up.
Laura Petrie: Well, why, Rich? Why did you have to make up ANY story?
Ritchie Petrie: Because the kids like me to tell stories - and I'm good at it, like Daddy.
Rob Petrie: How do you like THAT?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Where Did I Come From? (#1.15)" (1962)
[Laura's a relaxed mother-to-be but Rob's a frazzled father-to-be, expecting every second to be "the moment."]
Laura Petrie: I was just sighing.
Rob Petrie: Well, honey, at a time like this don't sigh unless you really mean it!
Laura Petrie: I'll try not to.

[Millie calls Laura but Rob, picking up the extension, thinks it's Laura calling from the hospital and having their baby]
Laura Petrie: Rob, will you listen to me for one moment? I am NOT in the hospital.
Rob Petrie: Oh... Where are ya, honey?
Laura Petrie: I'm in the kitchen.
Rob Petrie: In the kitchen? What are you doin' in the kitchen?
Laura Petrie: Boiling some water.
Rob Petrie: Boiling wa... Oh, my gosh! What a woman!

Rob Petrie: [tired] I didn't get much sleep last night.
Laura Petrie: Why not?
Rob Petrie: 'Cau'e I was watching you.
Laura Petrie: Why were you watching me?
Rob Petrie: Well, how... you know what a sound sleeper you are. I was afraid, something might happen, you'd sleep through it.

Millie Helper: You know what Jerry did for one full week before Ellen was born?
Laura Petrie: What?
Millie Helper: That fool slept with all his clothes on.
[Laura looks at Rob]
Rob Petrie: Well, where d'ya think I got the idea?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat (#4.4)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: [giving reason for sending the Helpers a dinner invitation] If people are gonna live together peacefully, we've got to keep the lines of communication open.
Laura Petrie: Well, then, darling, why don't you CALL Jerry and invite him?
Rob Petrie: 'Cause I don't wanna talk to that rat.

Ritchie Petrie: You gonna get a sitter for me?
Laura Petrie: Yes, dear. I've called Billy and he's gonna come over.
Ritchie Petrie: He can teach me how to belch.
Laura Petrie: Ritchie!
Ritchie Petrie: He can do it any time he wants.
Laura Petrie: Rob, please speak to him, please.
[Laura exits]
Rob Petrie: Uh - heh-heh - Ritch, that's, uh, not a very polite thing.
Ritchie Petrie: Billy says that in China, if you don't burp after a meal, they think you hatred the dinner.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, but we're not in China now.
Ritchie Petrie: Well, maybe someday we'll go, and I wanna be polite.

Laura Petrie: Now wait a minute. I don't know what's been going on here, but I would like to say a few things.
Rob Petrie: Watch it. You'll get a breadstick up your nose.

Laura Petrie: [angrily] I think you two ought to know something. Rob was against sending that invitation to you but I insisted, and now I'm sorry I sent it.
Millie Helper: You're sorry ya sent it?
Laura Petrie: You don't know how sorry I am. I think it's one of the stupidest things I've ever done.
Jerry Helper: Then you, uh... you DO think it was a stupid thing?
Laura Petrie: [near tears] Well, let's just say this, Jerry - I will never send you another one like it, and you can bet on that.
Jerry Helper: You MEAN that?
Rob Petrie: [through grit teeth] Oh-h-h, you BET she means it.
Jerry Helper: [greatly relieved] Well, okay.
Rob Petrie: Okay, what?
Jerry Helper: We accept your apology.
Laura Petrie: You accept our...?
Millie Helper: Yes, and... we... forgive you.
Rob Petrie: You forgive US?
Millie Helper: [happily] You bet we do.
Jerry Helper: Uh, well, uh, we were both being very stubborn, and I'm happy to see that you took a first step to clear the air.
Rob Petrie: [thoroughly perplexed] Now wait a minute. Wait just a minute, Jerry. There's a misunderstanding here...
Laura Petrie: [cautiously] There certainly is, darling, and I think it's the kind of misunderstanding we should try very hard NOT to clear up for a little while.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: See Rob Write, Write Rob Write (#5.12)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: Wow, Rob, you really changed my whole story, didn't you?
Rob Petrie: No, not... not really.
Laura Petrie: Well, yeah, really. It's not at all like the one I wrote.

Rob Petrie: You don't have to write down to kids, honey. It's about time somebody wrote up to 'em.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, except you wrote around 'em, missed 'em completely. And I don't think you utilized any of the charm of the drawings.

Laura Petrie: Kids aren't gonna know what "morose" means.
Rob Petrie: Are you kidding? Kids'll know what that means.
Laura Petrie: No, darling. It's much too big a word.
Rob Petrie: Any kid... I'll bet you Ritchie knows what THAT means.
Laura Petrie: No, he doesn't.
Rob Petrie: Oh...
Rob Petrie: [calling outside to Ritchie] Hey, Ritchie. Come in here a minute, will ya?
Ritchie Petrie: Wait!
[Sound of toy machine gun fires outside]
Ritchie Petrie: I got ya!
Kid: Ya did not!
Rob Petrie: He did too!
[Ritchie enters with a toy machine gun]
Rob Petrie: Ritchie, answer me this: What does "morose" mean?
Ritchie Petrie: Huh?
Rob Petrie: It's a... it's a word you hear every day. Have you ever heard of the word "morose."
Ritchie Petrie: Yeah. Lots of times.
Rob Petrie: What does it mean, Ritch?
Ritchie Petrie: Some kind of flower.

Rob Petrie: [unhappy that Laura didn't appreciate his rewrite] You don't like that one, just, uh, write one yourself.
Laura Petrie: I already did. By the way, where is my story?
Rob Petrie: Well... with the, uh, cutting, honey, and the pasting and, uh... Uh, I... Well, I had to throw it out.
Laura Petrie: Well, thanks a lot, Rob. Thanks a heck of a lot.
Rob Petrie: Where're you goin'?
Laura Petrie: I'm gonna rewrite the original story that I already wrote.
Rob Petrie: Well, I am not gonna do any more rewriting.
Laura Petrie: Oh-ho-ho, you bet you're not.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Don't Trip Over That Mountain (#2.22)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: Darling, I told you that I don't mind you're going. Now what more can I say?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, just once I would like to hear you say it like you really meant it.
Laura Petrie: Do I give you the impression that I don't mean it?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Very, very clearly.
Laura Petrie: Well, I'm sorry, then I'll try to say it more convincingly: I don't mind that you and Jerry are going skiing this weekend, and I hope you both have a wonderful time.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All right. Boy, if you feel THAT way, I'll just stay home then.

Laura Petrie: If Rob fell off that mountain, I was the one who pushed him.
Millie Helper: Laura?
Laura Petrie: Oh, yes! I pushed my husband off a mountain. If he broke anything it'll be MY FAULT.

Laura Petrie: Millie, when he left here, he was pretty angry. He might break a leg just to cause me pain.
Millie Helper: Laura, Rob LOVES you. He'd rather cut off an arm than break a leg to cause you pain.

Laura Petrie: Millie, if he fell off a mountain and they ever find him, I'll never speak to him again.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Third One from the Left (#3.14)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: I don't... What am I gonna DO with her. She's NUTS about me.
Laura Petrie: Aw, she'll get over it. I did.

Laura Petrie: Hi, Darling. How'd it go today?
Rob Petrie: Congratulate me - I'm engaged.
Laura Petrie: You're WHAT?
Rob Petrie: I wanted you to be the very first to know.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!

Rob Petrie: Well, I wanna tell her that if I run away with her, you'll kill yourself.
Laura Petrie: No, tell her that if you run away with her, I'll kill you both. No, no, that's no good. Then no one will have any fun.
Rob Petrie: Buddy will. He's got dibs on you.

Rob Petrie: You're gettin' pretty sophisticated, by the way. I call you on the phone and tell you a girl kissed me; you don't even get jealous!
Laura Petrie: Well, I figured your call was for help, not to boast.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Lady and the Baby Sitter (#4.3)" (1964)
Ritchie Petrie: Benny and I are gonna bury a dead rat.
Laura Petrie: You found a dead rat?
Ritchie Petrie: No. We're gonna buy one.
Laura Petrie: Ritchie, will you please tell me where you can buy a dead rat?
Ritchie Petrie: Do YOU want one, Mommy?

Rob Petrie: Honey, you married a very shy, retiring guy. That's all.
Laura Petrie: Okay, then how come five different girls wore your fraternity pin?
Rob Petrie: Because none of 'em wanted it, that's why. They kept givin' it to each other. It's like a game. The music stopped, and whoever got Petrie's pin had to go out with him.

Laura Petrie: [after reading Roger's love letter] Rob, what are we gonna do?
Rob Petrie: Before I make any suggestions, how do you feel about HIM?

Rob Petrie: Will you promise me never ever to talk me into talking to anybody again?
Laura Petrie: I do.
Rob Petrie: Good.
Laura Petrie: Now you promise me something.
Rob Petrie: What?
Laura Petrie: You'll talk to Roger.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Case of the Pillow (#4.21)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: We've had eiderdown pillows before. They never smelled like this.
Rob Petrie: Yeah? Well, the duck who got rid of these to make a pillow must be the happiest duck in the world.

Rob Petrie: Well, now, Mrs. Petrie, the defendant has already admitted that you telephoned him complaining about the chicken-smelling pillows. Now, would you now, to the best of your recollection and in your own words, tell us what transpired and ensued during that telephone call - keeping in mind at all times that you are under oath?
[Laura looks lost]
Judge: [paraphrasing] Just tell what happened on the phone.
Laura Petrie: Oh.

Laura Petrie: Rob, I don't care what he says. I smell chickens.
Rob Petrie: I think I smell a rat.

[last lines]
Rob Petrie: [seeing that Laura has now purchased blankets from Mr. Wiley] What if those are faulty?
Laura Petrie: There's no problem. None whatsoever. He gave us a guarantee.
Rob Petrie: What kind of a guarantee?
Laura Petrie: He said that if anything goes wrong with these blankets that you can always take him to court and beat him again.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Anthony Stone (#4.26)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: [seeing the alligator purse Sally brought back for her from Jamaica] Oh, Rob, isn't it beautiful? Don't you love it?
Rob Petrie: Well, anything that helps rid the world of alligators, I'm for.
Laura Petrie: And I've got a pair of alligator shoes that'll go with it perfectly.
Rob Petrie: You have? Where?
Laura Petrie: Little shop on 34th street.

Laura Petrie: Gee, that's a lovely suit.
Sally Rogers: This suit?
Laura Petrie: Is it silk?
Sally Rogers: No, it's one of those blends. You know, cotton and anthrax or somethin'.

Sally Rogers: Laura, you're the only one I can tell, but... but you gotta take an oath.
Laura Petrie: Oh, I'm very good at oaths.
Sally Rogers: Taking them or keeping them.
Laura Petrie: Both. Both.
Sally Rogers: You'll tell no one?
Laura Petrie: I promise.
Sally Rogers: [after a pause] And when you tell Rob, make HIM promise.

[Rob and Laura don't realize they're talking about two different matters]
Rob Petrie: Wait'll I tell you what I found out.
Laura Petrie: [musically] I found out, too.
Rob Petrie: You did? How?
Laura Petrie: Sally told me.
Rob Petrie: Sally TOLD ya?
Laura Petrie: Well, of course, darling. Don't you remember? That was the point for the whole luncheon.
Rob Petrie: You mean Sally KNOWS?
Laura Petrie: Well, naturally.
Rob Petrie: [flabbergasted] Well, she doesn''t care?
Laura Petrie: Oh, not too much.
Rob Petrie: I can't believe that.
Laura Petrie: Well, see, what she's really afraid of is that peple will kid her about it and make jokes.
Rob Petrie: JOKES? Honey, I don't see that that's anything to joke about.
Laura Petrie: Gee, Rob, you must be one of her square friends
Rob Petrie: SQUARE? Is that what you call it? You call is square?
Laura Petrie: You're really making an awful lot out of nothing.
Rob Petrie: WHAT?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bank Book 6565696 (#2.4)" (1962)
[last lines]
Rob Petrie: Honey, you know I appreciate what you're trying to do. I think it's a wonderful idea, but we got to look at the thing practically. It's gonna take you, what, twenty years to save enough money for that car.
Laura Petrie: Darling, you mean you want me to just forget all about it?
Rob Petrie: No, no. You know what we ought to do?
Laura Petrie: What?
Rob Petrie: I think we ought to sell the house and get the car right away.
Laura Petrie: Well, what's the rush?
Rob Petrie: Well, I know when I get the car, I intend on asking you to take a trip with me, and I'd like to do it while I'm still young.
Laura Petrie: What's the matter, darling? Don't you think I'd accept an invitation from a gray-haired old gentleman?
Rob Petrie: Well, sure you would, but who wants to roll around the country in a hot sportscar with a gray-haired old lady?
[Annoyed, Laura hits Rob with a pillow]
Laura Petrie: Good night, darling.
Rob Petrie: Good night.

Laura Petrie: Rob! How could you? You looked in my private glove!

Rob Petrie: I would like to know is why you think you have to have your own private bank account.
Laura Petrie: Because I do, that's why.
Rob Petrie: All right then. The next logical question is what is wrong with the money in our joint account?
Laura Petrie: Well, that's our account and our money. This is my money.
Rob Petrie: YOUR money?
Laura Petrie: Yes, Rob. I want some money that's MINE to spend on anything I want. It's important to me. I don't want everything coming from you.
Rob Petrie: And where'd you get THIS money?
Laura Petrie: From you.
Rob Petrie: Well, isn't it all the same thing then? Either you get money from me or you get money from that which CAME from me.
Laura Petrie: No, Rob, it's completely different.
Rob Petrie: Oh...
Laura Petrie: I put this money in a little at a time. At first, it's from you, but then, after it lies around a while, I forget it came from you and then it's from me!
[Rob gives Laura a funny look]
Laura Petrie: Oh, you just don't understand!

Rob Petrie: You want some money of your own. What I don't understand is why!
Laura Petrie: That's it! That's exactly it!
Rob Petrie: What's it?
Laura Petrie: You just don't understand!
[Laura cries]
Rob Petrie: Oh, boy. Honey, look, I want to understand, but you've got to help me a little bit. Now, just give me a hint.
[Laura sobs]
Rob Petrie: The first word.
[Laura sobs again]
Rob Petrie: The first letter.
[and again]
Rob Petrie: Honey, please!
Laura Petrie: All right, I'll tell you. And then I hope you'll be satisfied that you just ruined everything! That money is for you!
Rob Petrie: Uh... for me?
Laura Petrie: I wanted to buy you something for your birthday.
Rob Petrie: Well, you... you already bought me something for my birthday. Don't tell me that shirt...
Laura Petrie: Oh, no, Rob, this money isn't for now. It's... it's for two or three or four years from now - whenever I saved up enough money to buy you that stupid sports car you've been drooling over.
Rob Petrie: Sports car?
Laura Petrie: Yes, that silly XKG JFK 400 Roadster... with matching luggage.
[cries louder than ever and falls onto bed]

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Odd But True (#5.8)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: They got a picture.
Rob Petrie: A picture? What of?
Laura Petrie: The Liberty Bell.
Rob Petrie: The famous one?
Laura Petrie: A dead ringer.

Millie Helper: [reading] "In India, a prince has a tree in his backyard that cries."
Laura Petrie: Well, that's ODD, I guess.
Millie Helper: But TRUE.
Rob Petrie: And sad. It's-it's hard to cheer up a tree.

[an applicant enters the Odd But True office claiming to have walked all the way from Buffalo, New York, on his hands]
Rob Petrie: You think he actually walked all the way.
Laura Petrie: I don't know. I'd like to know how he opened the door.

[last lines]
Rob Petrie: Well, Millie, we found an even better Odd But True.
Millie Helper: Oh, another one? You DID? You're kidding. Can I share in it?
Laura Petrie: Yeah. Yeah, you can, but Rob and I are gonna be the submitters.
Millie Helper: Oh, I don't care, I don't care. What is it?
Rob Petrie: Well, we found a woman right here in New Rochelle who nobody talked to for the rest of her life.
Millie Helper: WOW! Who is she? Hey, where'd you find her? Did you tell them about her? Rob! Laura! Laura, why don't you answer me?
[Millie realizes it's her]

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Washington vs. the Bunny (#1.4)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: Laura, there is no reason for your behavior!
Laura Petrie: There is every reason for my behavior - I'm angry!
Rob Petrie: Angry, yes, because I wouldn't behave like a puppet! Because I felt a responsibility to my employer!
Laura Petrie: For heaven's sake, Rob, that's not why I'm angry. I realize you have to do what you think is right. I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself get pushed around by anyone, including me.
Rob Petrie: Well, what are you angry with me for?
Laura Petrie: I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with me for being angry with you.
Rob Petrie: Well, is there anything I can do to patch up this little quarrel you're having among yourself so I can get out of the doghouse?
Laura Petrie: Did you ever think of trying a kiss?
[Rob leans over to kiss her on the neck]
Laura Petrie: Not on the neck.
[Rob kisses her lightly on the cheek]
Laura Petrie: That's better.
[Rob kisses her lightly on the lips]
Laura Petrie: Almost.
Laura Petrie: [they embrace and kiss deeply] Oh, yes.
[they resume their kiss]

Rob Petrie: [referring to Ritchie] How'd he get so cute?
Laura Petrie: Your mother says you were just like him when you were a little boy.
Rob Petrie: Why, I'm surprised she said that.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Rob Petrie: I think I'm cuter. Gimme a kiss.
Laura Petrie: Never kiss egomaniacs.
Rob Petrie: Well, how 'bout hungry husbands?
Laura Petrie: Them I feed.
[She puts a grape in his mouth]

[Rob phoned Alan Brady to say his son may have a broken arm]
Laura Petrie: Why didn't you just tell him the truth?
Rob Petrie: Because I just couldn't tell Alan Brady that the reason I can't go to Washington is because my son is the main bunny.

Laura Petrie: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting a man who gave up a trip to Washington, simply because... I ORDERED him to. Presenting... my puppet!
[brings out Rob as a puppet]
Laura Petrie: Now, bow for the people.
[Rob bows]
Laura Petrie: Now show how nicely you make a telephone call.
Rob Petrie: [talking on a phone; nasally] Hello? I want to go to Washington!
Laura Petrie: No! Now, you say that the RIGHT way.
Rob Petrie: [nasally] Hello? I DON'T want to go to Washington!
Laura Petrie: That's a good boy.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Br-rooom, Br-rooom (#4.31)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: A minute ago you said you liked tuna casserole.
Rob Petrie: A minute ago I had a motorcycle.

Laura Petrie: ...You broke a promise.
Rob Petrie: What promise?
Laura Petrie: To take back the motorcycle.
Rob Petrie: I-I-I didn't promise.
Laura Petrie: Well, what was it then?
Rob Petrie: I-I just insinuated.
Laura Petrie: All right, then you broke your insinuation.
Rob Petrie: You can't break an insinuation.
Laura Petrie: You can when it's a promise.

Laura Petrie: I know what you're thinking.
Rob Petrie: All right, what am I thinking?
Laura Petrie: You know.

Laura Petrie: Who's Doris?
Rob Petrie: Doris is a girl I was with. She kept me out of trouble, honey.
Laura Petrie: You, uh... think so, huh?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Love Thy Other Neighbor (#5.29)" (1966)
Laura Petrie: Mary Jane Gibbs...
Mary Jane Staggs: Laura Meehan...
Millie Helper: Millie Helper...

Jerry Helper: You think we're so childish to be hurt by anything so childish?
Laura Petrie: Then how come Millie's been in the shower all day?
Jerry Helper: Well, you know how childish Millie is.

[a horn-like sound is heard]
Laura Petrie: What was that?
Rob Petrie: That's stereo feedback - the mating call of two hi-fi bugs who just found each other.
Laura Petrie: And you mated 'em.

Laura Petrie: We haven't lost anybody's friendship - and even if we have, who needs 'em?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Somebody Has to Play Cleopatra (#2.14)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Under no circumstances will I write and direct another amateur variety show this year, and you may tell Mrs. Billings that.
Laura Petrie: But, Darling, she didn't say anything about you doing the show again.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, I can just hear her.
Rob Petrie: [mimicking Mrs. Billings] "Oh, Mr. Petrie, it's so easy for you. I don't know how you writers get your WONDERFUL ideas."

Laura Petrie: Can't you forget about last year?
Rob Petrie: No, I wanna remember last year. I don't wanna forget it so that next year I don't have to remember THIS year.

Rob Petrie: Hey, that is a beautiful brunch outfit you've got on.
Laura Petrie: Thank you.
Rob Petrie: You know, if you keep lookin' that good in the morning, I may have to switch to an afternoon newspaper.

Rob Petrie: And, uh, is, uh, Miss Harding still teaching Kindergarten?
Laura Petrie: Yes, but, uh, Miss Harding can't participate in the play.
Rob Petrie: Huh? Why?
Laura Petrie: Well, a few of the wives got up a little petition that prohibits her from being anything but a script girl.
Rob Petrie: Petition? Wh-when did THIS happen?
Laura Petrie: First thing tomorrow morning.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Divorce (#2.28)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: You mean Buddy's serious?
Rob Petrie: Serious? Honey, I sat with him for five hours. There was a bald bartender; he didn't make one crack.

Laura Petrie: Rob, it just doesn't make any sense. I mean, we were with them last night, and Buddy was insulting Pickles, and she was screaming and yelling at him and everything was perfectly normal.

Laura Petrie: You said to Buddy that his wife was deceitful and dishonest?
Rob Petrie: Ye... Well, you should've heard HIS description of her.
Laura Petrie: Darling, he can say all the nasty things he wants to about her. She's his wife.

Rob Petrie: [over the phone] Hey, Buddy, what's the matter with you? You all right?
Buddy Sorrell: [groggy] Sleepin' pills.
Rob Petrie: [to Laura] He took sleepin' pills.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!
Rob Petrie: Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, listen to me: How many did you take?
Buddy Sorrell: [ever the jokester] Not enough.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: That's My Boy?? (#3.1)" (1963)
Nurse: [presenting folder] Mrs. Petrie, I have your valuables right here. Would you check them, please?
Laura Petrie: Oh, no, these aren't mine. I had just a watch.
Nurse: [checking the folder] Oh, stupid. Room 203. Busy, busy, busy. Here's room 208.
Laura Petrie: That's it. Yes, thank you.
Nurse: Well, goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. Petrie, and I wish you a lot of luck with her.
Rob Petrie: Her?
Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry - him! Baby boy Peters.
Rob Petrie: No, no, uh - Petrie.
Nurse: Whatever.
Nurse: [to other nurse] Edna, please go make up Mrs. Petrie's room.
Rob Petrie: We're the... we're the, um, Petries.
Nurse: Well, whatever. They're leaving today, too. Boy, will I be glad when this day is over!

Rob Petrie: Laura, did you know that one out of every fifty million women have the wrong baby?
Laura Petrie: Well, that's a cute trick. How does she manage it?
Rob Petrie: Honey, she doesn't have it while she's having it. It's after she has it she has it!

Rob Petrie: Honey, h-h-ow much do you like that baby?
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already.
Rob Petrie: No, honey, I'm not gettin...
Laura Petrie: Oh, that Dr. Spock knows everything.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Curious Thing About Women (#1.16)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Rob, if I thought that you sent this boat here to trap me...
Rob Petrie: Oh, honey, I ordered this long before we did the sketch. This is what gave me the idea. Honest.
Laura Petrie: Rob, I tried not to open it, I really did, but I - I guess I'm just a pathological snoopy-nose!
Rob Petrie: Oh, honey, everybody's a snoopy-nose. We all like to know what's inside things.
Laura Petrie: I guess so.
Rob Petrie: Why, I know so. You know something? I'm very, very curious about something right now.
Laura Petrie: What?
Rob Petrie: Well, I'm wondering how long we're going to keep on with this polite talking before we get down to serious kissing!
Laura Petrie: [smiles] About three seconds.
Rob Petrie: Three?
[looks at his watch]
Rob Petrie: One, two...
Laura Petrie: I forgive you!
[they kiss deeply]

Rob Petrie: I don't like condensed mail for breakfast. You left all the flavor out of it.
Laura Petrie: "All the flavor..." Rob, it was a letter, not a stew.

Laura Petrie: I open a couple of your letters and you advertise it to twenty million people.
Rob Petrie: Forty million.
Laura Petrie: FORTY million people, that I'm a pathological snoopy-nose.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Do Not Choose to Run (#5.16)" (1966)
Laura Petrie: Well, Mr. Howard, we shop at your... no, we, uh, bank at you bank.
Rob Petrie: Oh, incidentally, how do you like the way we decorated your mortgage?

[Rob enjoys the idea of being called Councilman Petrie]
Laura Petrie: Hey, if you're city councilman, what'll they call me?
Rob Petrie: Probably Laura.

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!
Rob Petrie: You can say THAT again.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who Owes Who What? (#1.18)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: I'm positive I think I'm sure.
Laura Petrie: Rob, are you sure you're positive or do you just imagine you're positive?
Rob Petrie: I'm positive I'm positive!

Rob Petrie: Well, women are built different than men.
Laura Petrie: Yes, I've heard that.

Laura Petrie: Now, it's your money, Rob, and if you've made other plans for spending it, I'll understand. I'll be depressed and upset, sob a good deal during dinner but, uh, you won't hear any of the nasty thoughts I'll be thinking.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Death of the Party (#4.12)" (1964)
[At 5:00AM Laura answers the doorbell to find Rob]
Laura Petrie: [with false civility] Hi.
Rob Petrie: I was so proud. I dressed, I shaved, and I packed, and I got out without wakin' you up.
Laura Petrie: And you were so proud, you had to come back and tell me, huh?

Laura Petrie: [finding Rob, still in his coat, laid out on the bed] Oh, Rob!
Rob Petrie: [waking] Huh?
Laura Petrie: What are you doing?
Rob Petrie: Taking a shower.

[Laura kisses Rob's forehead]
Rob Petrie: Is that affection or were you taking my temperature?
Laura Petrie: Both. Temperature's still 103 but... let's see, the affection's about 97.4.
Rob Petrie: Isn't that a little low for affection?
Laura Petrie: Well, with a fever of 103, you couldn't take much more.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Gunslinger (#5.31)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: I ain't leavin'. I ain't runnin' no more. We ain't leavin' town. I'm gonna face him.
Laura Petrie: Rob, I DO wish you'd stop saying that.
Rob Petrie: Well, I AIN'T leavin'.
Laura Petrie: "Ain't" is what I wish you'd stop saying. Rob, the boy's beginning to pick it up. It sounds bad.
Rob Petrie: Well, I AREN'T leavin' town.

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!

Laura Petrie: [as Sheriff Rob lays shot] Somebody call the doctor.
Sally Rogers: All right, all right, all right.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!
Sally Rogers: [calling outside the saloon doors] Hey, Doc! Doc!
Buddy Sorrell: We don't have no doctor in this town. All we got's a dentist.
Sally Rogers: Hey, Dent! Dent!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Baby Fat (#4.29)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: [deep in thought] Whadda ya want?
Laura Petrie: A divorce.
Rob Petrie: In a minute.
Laura Petrie: Shall I call the lawyer?
Rob Petrie: No, that's all right, honey. I'll call him.

Laura Petrie: Are you doing this because you're afraid of Alan?
Rob Petrie: No, I'm doin' it because I respect Alan Brady. A man of his caliber has great firing power.

Laura Petrie: What happened to your jacket?
Rob Petrie: I was attacked by a bar of soap.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Redcoats Are Coming (#4.20)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: Rob, I want to tell you something, and you're probably going to say it's childish and immature and female, but, Rob, I'm just dying to tell somebody they're here.
Rob Petrie: Uh-huh. That's childish AND immature.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, yeah...
Rob Petrie: But it's not female. I feel exactly the same way. Like if I could just tell Jerry. Anybody!
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I'd just like to tell EVERYBODY.
Rob Petrie: That's female.

Laura Petrie: Gee, I don't now how I'm gonna handle Millie though. She's just gonna hate me for not telling her.
Rob Petrie: Well, you can blame me, honey. Tell her I threatened you or something.
Laura Petrie: No. She knows that doesn't stop me.

Rob Petrie: It's, uh... , one o'clock.
Laura Petrie: No it isn't. It's eleven.
Rob Petrie: I know, but just SAY it's one o'clock. We've been standing here arguing for two solid hours now, and I've... say you... I've finally given in.
Laura Petrie: Oh, good, darling That's the kind of argument I like.
Rob Petrie: [as Laura rushes to the telephone] What are you gonna do?
Laura Petrie: I'm going to call Millie and tell her to hold tomorrow morning open.
Rob Petrie: [leading her away to bed] Come on.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Rob Petrie: You can't call her now. It's one o'clock in the morning.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: One Angry Man (#1.24)" (1962)
[Laura and Sally attend the trial, feeling it's very much like a TV show]
Laura Petrie: [watching an attractive woman enter with her lawyer] Who's that?
Sally Rogers: I don't know. I didn't get a program.

Laura Petrie: Rob, why did you ogle her that way?
Rob Petrie: Now, honey, what was the matter with the way I ogled her?

Laura Petrie: I am not acting and you don't know me as better as you think!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Never Bathe on Saturday (#4.27)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: [from the bathroom] Well, where's the stupid maid with the key?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: She's right here, honey.
Maid: Stupid maid, huh?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, we had a stupid maid once.

Maid: Dearie, would you try jiggling the door knob?
Laura Petrie: I can't reach the door knob.
Maid: Why not?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: She's stuck. May I please?
Maid: Look, why can't your wife open the door from the other side?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Because she's stuck in the tub.
Maid: She calls ME stupid.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [finally getting into the bathroom] Honey, you all right?
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob...
[Rob laughs]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm sorry. You look so funny.
Laura Petrie: Oh, jeez!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [coming out while continuing to laugh] You guys wanna see something ridiculous?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: One Hundred Terrible Hours (#4.30)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: [regarding the radio station's $17 mystery contest and its latest clue - a rooster crowing] Who's the mystery person?
Rob Petrie: You're not eligible.
Laura Petrie: I know, Rob, but it's driving me crazy. Come on, I'm DYING to know. I promise I won't tell anybody. Who is it?
Rob Petrie: Napoleon.
Laura Petrie: Napoleon? Rob, what did he have to do with a rooster?
Rob Petrie: Honey, the Battle of Waterloo was fought early in the morning.
Laura Petrie: Yeah?
Rob Petrie: Well, you know. Roosters!
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, that's a ROTTEN clue. Nobody's ever gonna get it from that.
Rob Petrie: It's a great clue because the station doesn't want to pay the seventeen bucks anyway.

Rob Petrie: How about a little kiss for the hero?
Laura Petrie: [nervous as they're on display in a store window] Well, darling...
Rob Petrie: Oh.
Rob Petrie: S'all right, folks. We're married. Okay?
[to Laura]
Rob Petrie: Come on. Gimme a kiss.
Laura Petrie: No, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Honey, how many girls get the chance to be kissed in a window of Chamber's department store?
Laura Petrie: I just don't want to, Rob.
Rob Petrie: All right. I'll get my kiss when I get home.
Laura Petrie: You realize that could be four days from now?
Rob Petrie: You're right. I better take my kiss now.
[heads for Laura but gets yanked back by the headphones he still wears]

Laura Petrie: [about Alan Brady] He turned out to be a very nice man.
William Van Buren: Aw.
Rob Petrie: [to interviewer] You be sure you print that part.
Laura Petrie: Well, he paid for a room for us, and then the next day, instead of just a short interview, he spent the whole day with Rob and got a chance to find out just how brilliant he really is.
Rob Petrie: No, Alan's a slave driver. He realized any guy who could stay up for a hundred hours is valuable to have around.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: What's in a Middle Name? (#2.7)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Well, do you remember that it was you who was responsible for Ritchie's ending up with a middle name, Rosebud?
Rob Petrie: No, all I can remember is that our parents were pretty unreasonable.
Laura Petrie: They certainly were. But you still didn't have to do what you did.
Rob Petrie: Honey, you forget something - your parents threatened to boycott the baby! I did the only thing I could possibly do to make them all happy.
Laura Petrie: Well, let's see if you can make Ritchie happy with Rosebud for a middle name.
Rob Petrie: Don't worry, I will.
Laura Petrie: Well, if you do, I'll...
Rob Petrie: You'll what?
Laura Petrie: I'll kiss you so hard your teeth will rattle!
Rob Petrie: Good enough! And listen, do a couple of things for me, will you?
Laura Petrie: What's that?
Rob Petrie: Well, when I get home tonight, put out Ritchie's blackboard right about over there.
Laura Petrie: Mm-hmm.
Rob Petrie: And, uh, you'd better get me a dental appointment because there's going to be a lot of loose teeth around here tonight.
[smiles and kisses her]
Rob Petrie: Bye.

Laura Petrie: [looking for Rob] Where is he?
Sally Rogers: Well, he and Buddy are in with Alan Brady. We wrote a sensational sketch and they're in there trying to convince HIM it's sensational.
Laura Petrie: How long will that take?
Sally Rogers: Forever.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Sally Rogers: The sketch is rotten.

Rob Petrie: I remember that day as clearly as I remember anything - and you know my memory.
Laura Petrie: Yes, and it's only fair.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Uncle George (#3.8)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: Well, one big breakfast coming up.
Rob Petrie: Uh, bad choice of words, Honey.

Rob Petrie: Herman, I wanna give you this straight: we brought your mother here to introduce her to a man.
Herman Glimscher: A man?
Sally Rogers: Mm.
Herman Glimscher: Who?
Laura Petrie: Well, it's Rob's Uncle George. He's visiting here form Danville and he wanted to meet some nice lady.
Sally Rogers: And we couldn't find any, so we invited your mother.

Rob Petrie: Boy I wish I was one of those Danish doctors.
Laura Petrie: How would THAT help?
Rob Petrie: Well, it wouldn't, except I'd be in Denmark.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Neighbor's Husband's Other Life (#3.30)" (1964)
[in an argument over who the beautiful blonde was whom Rob and Laura saw having dinner with Jerry, Laura suddenly refers to her as a floozy]
Rob Petrie: Since when did she become a blonde floozy? I think she looked like a very nice girl.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, you hardly saw her.
Rob Petrie: Honey, I saw her legs when they came in, and those were not the legs of a floozy.

[Jerry and Millie couldn't join Rob and Laura for a night out together, but Jerry was spotted out to dinner with an unknown blonde]
Laura Petrie: But I keep remembering Millie said that the reason they couldn't come with us was because Jerry had a late appointment.
Rob Petrie: So who says that she wasn't his late appointment?
Laura Petrie: At the office?
Rob Petrie: All right, it started at the office and ended up at the restaurant.
Laura Petrie: Hm.
Rob Petrie: Why, it's possible, honey. Maybe he fixed her teeth and took her out to see if they work.

Millie Helper: [nervously] If, uh, I ask you something, would ya give me an honest answer?
Laura Petrie: [just as nervously] Well, sure, Millie. What is it?
Millie Helper: Well, even if you knew that by telling the truth, ya might hurt someone ya like?
Laura Petrie: Well, I-I guess that would depend on... how much that person would be hurt.
Millie Helper: Let's say a lot. Would ya?
Laura Petrie: Well, then I guess, too, it would depend on... who that person I like was.
Millie Helper: Let's say it was someone you liked as-as well as me.
Laura Petrie: Oh, well, Millie, there aren't very many people I like as well as you.
Millie Helper: Oh. Well, let's say it was me.
Laura Petrie: Is it you?
Millie Helper: [explosively] YES, IT'S ME!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: You're Under Arrest (#5.13)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: [explaining his black eye] Well, you know that iron jockey out on Jerry's lawn?
Laura Petrie: He punched you.
Rob Petrie: Right.

Millie Helper: We heard the noise, and Jerry looked out and saw it was Rob and says he's probably drunk.
Laura Petrie: Millie. Really.
Millie Helper: Well, you're both too perfect. Jerry says sooner or later you're gonna crack.

Millie Helper: He coulda gotten amnesia and committed some despicable crime he can't even remember.
Laura Petrie: Gee, Millie, you're such a comfort at times like this.
Millie Helper: Aw, listen, what're friends for?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Where You Been, Fassbinder? (#1.25)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Now, you men don't seem to realize that when a woman reaches a certain age, and is unmarried, every birthday becomes a milestone, and every milestone is a millstone. Now I have a feeling Sally isn't gonna wait till Friday to do her crying. I think she's gonna do it tonight. And we're responsible.
Rob Petrie: WE are? What did WE do?
Laura Petrie: We went and had a baby that grew up to be a six-year-old big mouth.

Rob Petrie: Honey, what makes you think she was so upset by it?
Laura Petrie: Because I'm a woman.
Rob Petrie: What! You're... You're a woman? My gosh... My father married one of those!

[the gang gathers for Sally's surprise birthday party]
Pickles Sorrell: What're you gonna give her, Laura?
Laura Petrie: Well, I got her some perfume.
Buddy Sorrell: Perfume for Sally?
Laura Petrie: Mm-hm.
Rob Petrie: What's a matter with that?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, nothin' except it'll make my snakes look cheep.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Brave and the Backache (#3.20)" (1964)
Millie Helper: Yeah, well, Lake, uh, Sissy Manoonoo's gonna have to wait. I'd offer the cottage to you and Rob, but...
Laura Petrie: Yeah, why don't you?
Millie Helper: 'cause I know what Rob will say.
Laura Petrie: What do you mean?
Millie Helper: Well, we've offered the place to you three different times and Rob just doesn't seem to want to go.
Laura Petrie: That's not so.
Millie Helper: It is. Every time we ask him to go up there he gets sick so he can't go.
Laura Petrie: Gee, I never noticed that.

Laura Petrie: I got some new cereals.
Rob Petrie: Wacha got?
Laura Petrie: It's the treasure chest assortment. You can have Wheatie Wowwows, Ricey Rumbles, Sesame Sweeties or Corny Cuties.
Rob Petrie: No Barley Bupkis?
Laura Petrie: No. Ritchie ate them. Listen, how about some Corn Flakes.
Rob Petrie: "Corn Flakes?"
Rob Petrie: [laughs] What a silly name for a cereal.

Laura Petrie: You mean there's something wrong with us?
Rob Petrie: Yes, something wrong with us.
Laura Petrie: You mean we don't love each other?
Rob Petrie: That's... it.
Laura Petrie: That we don't love each other?
Rob Petrie: No, that you should ask such a stupid question of a husband who loves you and... and that you love.
Laura Petrie: Well, is that what Dr. Nevin said?
Rob Petrie: No, that's what I said.
Laura Petrie: Well, what did he say?
Rob Petrie: What he said doesn't matter. At least that's what he said.
Laura Petrie: Is-is-is that all he said?
Rob Petrie: That's practically. He did say that my backache, he didn't think, was psychosomatic or psychological.
Laura Petrie: He didn't... THINK it was.
Rob Petrie: What... no, you see, uh, Dr. Nevins is laboring under an... under a handicap because he's a trained psychiatrist and he can't be as sure of his diagnosis as we laymen who have nothing to lose.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Happy Birthday and Too Many More (#3.19)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: I'm trying to decide when to have Ritchie's birthday.
Rob Petrie: I thought we decided that about eight years ago.

Rob Petrie: Let's neck.
Laura Petrie: Now quit kidding around.
Rob Petrie: I'm not kidding around. I wanna neck.

Laura Petrie: Well, I guess I'll go in and start cleaning up now.
Sally Rogers: Uh... you want some help?
Laura Petrie: Oh, I'd love some.
Buddy Sorrell: Put an ad in the paper.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Forty-Four Tickets (#1.11)" (1961)
Laura Petrie: How could you forget 44 tickets?
Rob Petrie: Easy.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Robert!
Rob Petrie: What do you mean, "Oh, Robert"? I could just as well say "Oh, Laura!"

Laura Petrie: You're not gonna try to blame ME for your forgetfulness?
Rob Petrie: Well, honey, you could've at least reminded me.
Laura Petrie: You JUST last night made a big speech about not reminding Rich. Do you or do you NOT like reminders?
Rob Petrie: Well, only when I forget.

Rob Petrie: Don't tell me you forgot our Wednesday night bridge game with Jerry and Millie?
Laura Petrie: Well, I...
Rob Petrie: Uh-HUH! Ya DID forget! So he's "forgetful like his daddy," huh?
Laura Petrie: Darling, our bridge date is for tomorrow.
Rob Petrie: Tomorrow? What's today?
Laura Petrie: Tuesday.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Racy Tracy Rattigan (#2.27)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Tracy, this is Laura, my wife.
Tracy Rattigan: Is this foul news the truth?
Laura Petrie: That's right. I'm his husband.
Rob Petrie: She means I'm her wife.

Laura Petrie: You DID give him the right directions, I hope.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. East Side Highway, Browns River Parkway, you know.
Laura Petrie: Darling, why didn't you tell him to take the West Side Highway? It's much more direct.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, but the East Side Highway is ten minutes faster.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, but twice as devious. There's much more chance he'll get lost.
Rob Petrie: [laughing] Yeah, I know that.

Laura Petrie: Look, Tracy Rattigan is the star of The Alan Brady Show; you are his head writer; you have no choice but to try to make his two weeks on the show as pleasant and uneventful as possible.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Punch Thy Neighbor (#1.17)" (1962)
Jerry Helper: Everyone knows I'm kidding.
Laura Petrie: Are you?
Jerry Helper: Nope.

Laura Petrie: Well, what happened?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, this waitress that I know there came over to the table and said she saw the show last night and she thought it was excellent. And that's when ol' Jer went to work.
Laura Petrie: What did he do?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: He started playing district attorney. He took the plates out of her hands, put 'em on the table, sat her down and cross-examined her. He said, "Well, young lady, tell me. You say you thought The Alan Brady Show last night was magnificent. I see. Now, tell me, did you see Ben Hur? Uh-huh. You did. What did you think of Ben Hur? Oh, magnificent you say? Would you say that The Alan Brady Show is as GOOD as Ben Hur? Oh, no? Well, would you say that... that The Alan Brady Show was HALF as good as Ben Hur? Oh, no? Ah, one quarter as good? No. One eighth as good? Ah-ha! One eighth, you say. Then I contend that one eighth of magnificent is rotten!"

Laura Petrie: Rob, are you all right?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [pinned to the floor by Jerry] Oh! There's a... a pressing pain on my chest.
Jerry Helper: What's the pain feel like, boy?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Feels like a hundred eighty pound dentist sittin' on it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Stretch Petrie vs. Kid Schenk (#4.14)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: [after Ritchie leaves] He spells better than you do.
Laura Petrie: And why not? He's my S-U-N.

Rob Petrie: [reading a note] "In one minute your telephone will ring."
Laura Petrie: Well, what a crazy note. I wonder who it is.
[telephone rings]
Rob Petrie: Let's ask.

Laura Petrie: You know, there ought to be a statute of limitations on how many times you have to repay a favor.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who Stole My Watch (#5.15)" (1966)
Laura Petrie: Would you tell me why in the world Buddy gave you a samurai sword?
Rob Petrie: Honey, Buddy shops at the war surplus store. It was either this or green underwear.

Rob Petrie: You know, I'm... I'm beginning to get a little angry.
Laura Petrie: So am I. Millie and Jerry certainly ought to know we don't suspect them.
Rob Petrie: Well, Buddy and Sally and Mel should know we don't suspect them. They also should know we don't think they took it.
Laura Petrie: Then who took it?
Rob Petrie: I don't know, but one of 'em did.

Rob Petrie: [at dinner] This is good, whatever it is.
Laura Petrie: Told you, chicken paprikash. Laslo at the garage gave me the recipe.
Rob Petrie: Mm. No wonder it tastes greasy.
Laura Petrie: Rob. I'm the last friend you've got. Don't push me.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Obnoxious, Offensive Egomaniac Etc (#5.26)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Hey, there's a transom over that door. If it was open, we could crawl through it.
Laura Petrie: Rob, that's burglary.
Rob Petrie: Not technically, honey. We're taking back something we gave Alan. The worst they can call us is Indian givers.
Sally Rogers: Well, anything's better than being called unemployed.
Rob Petrie: Honey, it won't hurt if we just go up there and take a look at the door.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, yeah, Rob. Let's-let's go take a look at the door.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I don't like it.
Buddy Sorrell: What do you mean you don't like it. You didn't even see it. It's a great door.

Rob Petrie: I tore my shirt on a nail.
Buddy Sorrell: Don't worry about it. I'll get you another shirt.
Laura Petrie: Will you get him another arm?
Buddy Sorrell: No. My policy only covers shirts and clothing.

Laura Petrie: Rob, you can't do it without waking him.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, Rob, she's right. Let's kill 'im.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Oh, How We Met on the Night That We Danced (#1.5)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: [to Laura] Give me one good reason why you won't go out with me tonight.
Laura Petrie: I'll give you two. First of all, we are not allowed to date servicemen.
Rob Petrie: Servicemen? It's merely a temporary disguise with which to fool the enemy. Underneath this uniform beats the heart of a one hundred percent confirmed civilian, who attended the University of Illinois, majoring in Germanics, journalism, English and all intellectual stuff like that. It may interest you to know that I don't smoke or drink or bite my nails. I don't tell unsavory jokes in mixed company. And, uh, about complaining, I'm very easy to live with. I can go for a whole week with a hole in my sock; you won't hear a word out of me. Now, as far as the entertainment is concerned, we'll see nothing but June Allyson pictures. And when it comes to the guest list for the wedding, you can invite all the people you want to from your side of the family as long as I reserve the right to have either my father or my mother. Now, when your mother comes to live with us, she'll be as welcome as the flowers in the spring. Now, what is the second reason?
Laura Petrie: I don't like you. At all!
Rob Petrie: It's just because I make a rotten first impression. Ask anybody!

Rob Petrie: [show dancing with Laura] Why do you hate me?
Laura Petrie: [smiling] Doesn't everyone?
Rob Petrie: What can I do to make you like me?
Laura Petrie: [still maintaining her smile for the crowd] Get off the stage.

Laura Petrie: [after they tell Ritchie about their meeting] So you see, Ritch, if Daddy didn't step on your mommy's foot, you might never have been born.
Ritchie Petrie: You should've stepped on both feet, Daddy.
Rob Petrie: Why, Ritch?
Ritchie Petrie: Then I would've had a twin brother.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Return of Happy Spangler (#1.30)" (1962)
[a game in a men's clothing store: Laura selects a tie for Rob and the clerk will accurately guess his looks and occupation based on her selection or the tie is free]
Laura Petrie: All right, what's he like?
Happy Spangler: Well, he's tall, good-looking and has excellent taste in wives.
Laura Petrie: So far, perfect. Now what does he do for a living?
Happy Spangler: He's the 35th president of the United States. Shall I wrap it up, Mrs. Kennedy?

Rob Petrie: That could be Hap Spangler. Gee, I'd like to see him again.
Laura Petrie: Were you very fond of him?
Rob Petrie: Fond of him? I hated him.
Laura Petrie: Really?
Rob Petrie: Oh, with a passion.

Rob Petrie: That old Hap Spangler used to run a pretty tough school, but I learned more from him than all the other people I EVER worked for.
Rob Petrie: [gestures to the house] You could say Hap is responsible for gettin' me all of this.
Rob Petrie: [gestures to Laura] And now all of this.
Laura Petrie: Well, old Hap may have been responsible for getting you all THAT this but THIS this I gave you.
Rob Petrie: That right - for a wedding present!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Two Showoffs and Me (#4.13)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Is there anything wrong in a woman wanting her man to become famous and well-known?
Rob Petrie: No, no. Look what the lady in red did for John Dillinger.

Laura Petrie: You don't get credit or publicity; so, if you got a little of each, you might get a lot more of both.
Rob Petrie: You know something?
Laura Petrie: What?
Rob Petrie: You're no fun to talk to anymore.

Laura Petrie: You wanna end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead.
Rob Petrie: Who's THAT?
Laura Petrie: Dwight Heatherton happens to be an excellent writer who is unknown because he gets no publicity.
Rob Petrie: Well, how do YOU know him?
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, he's famous.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Laura's Little Lie (#3.3)" (1963)
Ritchie Petrie: Mommy, can I have a glass for my milk?
Laura Petrie: [preoccupied] Not before breakfast, Rich! Drink your milk!

Laura Petrie: [bursting into tears] I lied to you. Oh, Rob, all these years we said we'd never lie to each other and I LIED TO YOU-U-U!
[raps finger against their insurance policy]
Rob Petrie: [examines around where he thinks Laura's pointed] Why? What? "Sex: female?" You couldn't have lied about that!

Rob Petrie: Why don't we run out and get married?
Laura Petrie: When?
Rob Petrie: W... Tonight.
Laura Petrie: You mean we elope?
Rob Petrie: Yeah! Yeah, we can... we can get Millie and Jerry, drive up to Greenwich and get married. And on the way back, we'll stop and see the last showing of the... of "The Charming Dr. Horrible." Ha-ha-ha.
Laura Petrie: A marriage and a movie?
Rob Petrie: Sure. It's a perfect evening. Whadda ya say?
Laura Petrie: Wait a minute. We can't elope tonight.
Rob Petrie: Why not, Honey.
Laura Petrie: 'cause WE haven't got a babysitter.
Rob Petrie: Aw, darn!
Laura Petrie: Well, wait! We can get married tomorrow night.
Rob Petrie: Well, yeah, but tomorrow night the movie's not playin'.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Give Me Your Walls (#2.23)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: You gonna do the whole wall for one little spot?
Laura Petrie: Well, of course. There's no other way.
Rob Petrie: Honey, that's like washing a whole shirt because the collar and cuffs are dirty.

Laura Petrie: Somebody's been cooking in my kitchen.
Rob Petrie: Somebody's been sitting in my chair. And somebody's been drinking out of my cup.

Rob Petrie: He keeps tellin' me I'm the nicest man he ever met.
Laura Petrie: I know. He tells me that, too.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Draw Me a Pear (#5.6)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: Boy, I never thought you'd admit you like art better than World War I.

Rob Petrie: Honey, what... what do you want?
Laura Petrie: Rob, I just want what YOU want. Now, what do you want?
Rob Petrie: Well, what YOU want.
Laura Petrie: Me, too.
Rob Petrie: Well, good.

Laura Petrie: Well, I guess he isn't as promising as he looks, huh?
Valerie Ware: Not nearly.
Laura Petrie: But then that depends on who's doing the looking.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Honeymoons Are for the Lucky (#3.23)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob.
Millie Crumberbacher: Oh, Laura.
Rob Petrie: Oh, honey.
Sam Pomeroy: Oh, boy.

Rob Petrie: [to Sam] Look, I want to go on that honeymoon with Laura as much as you do.
Laura Petrie: Uh, Rob...?

Laura Petrie: Rob, I know you'll do the right thing, but... whatever it is, don't get caught, please.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sol and the Sponsor (#1.29)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: By the way, what did you think of last week's show?
Henry Bermont: Well, I thought last week's show was very funny.
Rob Petrie: [eager to be agreeable] Boy, so did I.
Henry Bermont: ...if you like slapstick humor.
Rob Petrie: Well, you can overdo it.
Henry Bermont: I of course LIKE slapstick humor.
Rob Petrie: I LOVE it!
Henry Bermont: ...but not on my show.
Rob Petrie: No, not... not on our particular show.
Henry Bermont: Not every week.
Rob Petrie: No, it's too...
Henry Bermont: I like it once in a while.
Rob Petrie: That's me. I like it once in a while.
Laura Petrie: [to the Bermonts] But generally you both enjoy the show?
Henry Bermont: [simultaneously with Martha] Yes, I did.
Martha Bermont: [simultaneously with Henry] No, I didn't.

Ritchie Petrie: [awakened by Sol and Mr. Burmont's vigorous arguing] Mommy, mommy!
Laura Petrie: Ritchie, what're you doing out of bed? You're supposed to be asleep!
Ritchie Petrie: The television's on too loud!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Scratch My Car and Die (#3.26)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Do you notice you're a nut?
Rob Petrie: Only about things automotive. I'll outgrow it all right.
Laura Petrie: When?
Rob Petrie: Well, I don't know. When I get a new helicopter, I guess.

Rob Petrie: You know what the great thing about this car is?
Laura Petrie: That you can't bring it into the house.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Boarder Incident (#1.21)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Dinner's almost ready, and in honor of your visit I made a cake.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, thanks a lot, Laura, but I'm not allowed to eat fried food.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Fried? You don't fry a cake.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: No kiddin'. Wait'll my wife hears about this.

Laura Petrie: Oh, it isn't enough that I have to get up to get breakfast for a household of people. Now you want me to race the dog for the paper.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Last Chapter (#5.32)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Are you ready for a little bit of good news?
Laura Petrie: Yeah, I think so.
Rob Petrie: I heard from the publisher today.
Laura Petrie: Yeah?
Rob Petrie: He hates it, boy!
Rob Petrie: He said it reminded him of about fifty other books.
Laura Petrie: He's kidding.
Sally Rogers: No, no, that's what they said.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's right. One editor said it stunk!
Laura Petrie: Well, why is everyone so happy?
Rob Petrie: Because Alan read it and he loved it.
Alan Brady: What do I know from style?
Rob Petrie: Honey, Alan wants to produce it as a television series.
Laura Petrie: [in amazement] Your book's gonna be a television series?
Alan Brady: It's true. Of course, I won't do it till after my series is defunct, which may never be.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, Alan is going to play me.
Sally Rogers: Gee, and the three of us are going to write it and Leonard Bershad is going to produce it.
[loud commotion]
Rob Petrie: Wait, hold it, hold it a second. Honey, what do you think?
Laura Petrie: Oh gosh, I don't know what to say - Alan is really going to play you?
Alan Brady: And Rob won't have to shave his head - I'll wear a toupee.

Laura Petrie: I only read the first chapter. Is the rest as good?
Rob Petrie: Honey, it... Better. I improve as I get along. I be... I start to use punctuation, everything.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Brother, Can You Spare $2500? (#4.15)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: How's your headache?
Rob Petrie: Well, I took a couple of aspirins. It's all gone except for the pain.

Rob Petrie: I've got to go back to the office and tell Buddy and Sally I lost the script, and I want you with me.
Laura Petrie: Me? Why?
Rob Petrie: Because they won't hit me in front of my wife.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Young Man with a Shoehorn (#4.22)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Underwear's not the most important thing in the whole world.
Laura Petrie: Unless you're wearing a tweed suit.

Laura Petrie: I haven't met such a rude man since you introduced me to that aunt of yours.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Curse of the Petrie People (#5.18)" (1966)
Sam Petrie: [explaining the brooch's curse] Well, you see that empty setting there in Pittsburgh? That was Uncle Jonah.
Laura Petrie: Was?
Sam Petrie: Yeah. The stone dropped out, Uncle Jonah dropped dead. Pow.
Rob Petrie: Well, Uncle Jonah was an old man. He was, what, eighty-seven.
Sam Petrie: But he DIED, and that's the important thing.
Clara Petrie: But, Sam, it was six months later.
Sam Petrie: There's nothing more horrible than a slow, LINGERING death.
Clara Petrie: Sam Petrie, one more word out of you and I'm leaving.
Sam Petrie: Threaten me again, Clara, I'll knock my OWN stone out.

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Ray Murdock's X-Ray (#2.18)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: [holding the phone] Well, Honey, I know it sounds silly, but if you don't give Sally this recipe right now...
Laura Petrie: What'll happen?
Rob Petrie: Well... two of her best friends are gonna have a terrible fight.

Rob Petrie: Aw, Honey, all right. I apologize, but believe me, nobody's gonna think you're a kook or anything. I'll bet you none of your friends even saw that show.
Laura Petrie: How can you be so sure?
Rob Petrie: Because, Honey, if they saw it, you can bet that that phone...
[as Rob points to it, the phone rings]
Rob Petrie: [pause] ... would be ringing.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Stacey Petrie: Part II (#4.18)" (1965)
[Millie doesn't know the full story about Stacey]
Rob Petrie: Didn't you tell her?
Laura Petrie: Well, Rob, you told me not to.
Rob Petrie: You mean that WORKS?
Laura Petrie: Sometimes.

Rob Petrie: [hoping to lift Stacey's spirits] Honey, would you please tell him how you felt about me when we first met? Just tell him, will ya?
Laura Petrie: Well, I couldn't STAND Rob. I thought he was arrogant, repulsive, insufferable... Just hearing his voice, Stacey, used to make my flesh crawl. I thought that he was just about the most...
[notices Rob's pained expression and stops]
Rob Petrie: What we're trying to say, Stace, is that... maybe it isn't over with Julie. You know, I mean, look at us. Our beginnings couldn't have been any worse.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, I thought he was brash and vulgar...
Rob Petrie: I think we covered that, honey. I... It's just that, the thing is that, there's not just one person for every other person, Stace.
Laura Petrie: Right! If Rob had continued to revolt me, I have no doubt in this world I would have found somebody just as nice as Rob - maybe even nicer.
Rob Petrie: And I wouldn't exactly have jumped off a cliff if I hadn't married Laura, either. I could have... I could have... There's no telling what kind of a great girl I might have found.
[Rob and Laura stare at each other, both egos a little wounded]

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Surprise Surprise Is a Surprise (#2.30)" (1963)
[Rob confesses he figured out Laura's plan for a surprise party]
Laura Petrie: You only knew what I wanted you to know.
Rob Petrie: And how's that?
Laura Petrie: Well, I let you know I was planning a surprise birthday party, and my idea was to make it look like no one could come, and then we'd go to a restaurant and have dinner.
Rob Petrie: That's right, and everybody would come to the restaurant... to the dinner party and yell surprise. Honey, I hate to tell you but I knew that was your plan all along.

Laura Petrie: [after kissing Rob] Darling, are you all right?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, I'm just fine. Why do you ask?
Laura Petrie: Well, I know it sounds kind of silly, but, uh... your lips were very cold.
Rob Petrie: [after nervously feeling his own lips] My lips are regular lip temperature. It may be your lips are running a fever.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Empress Carlotta's Necklace (#1.12)" (1961)
Laura Petrie: You'll have to forgive me if I seem a bit dense, your majesty, but you see I've been busy scrubbing the palace floors all day and doing the king's laundry and, um... What are you talking about?

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Square Triangle (#2.25)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: [about Jacques] It's just that... Well, he said some things to me.
Millie Helper: Well, what kind of thing? What kind of things d'he say?
Laura Petrie: Romantic things. Beautiful things. The kind of things a man shouldn't say to another man's wife.
Millie Helper: Well, did he say he liked you? Did he say that he liked you very much? Did he say he loved you?
[Laura drop's her head]
Millie Helper: [aghast] He said "Laura I love you" in that beautiful accent! Oh, I'm dying.

[Millie is dying to share Laura's secret with Sally]
Laura Petrie: I thought you were so good at keeping secrets!
Millie Helper: Well, I am, but so is Sally. Aren't you, Sally? I bet they could cut off your arms and legs and throw you off a cliff.
Sally Rogers: [eagerly] Yeah, they did and I never talked. Now what is it?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Boy #1, Boy #2 (#4.19)" (1965)
[Rob decides to rewrite his script for two kids, giving some lines to Ritchie]
Rob Petrie: I better make sure they have equal parts.
Laura Petrie: Well, no, they don't have to be exactly equal.
Rob Petrie: Oh. Um, you mean Ritchie could have a couple more, huh?
Laura Petrie: Well, you are his father.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, well, I don't want you to become his stage mother.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!

Laura Petrie: Well, listen, darling, I don't want to say anything...
Rob Petrie: Good. That's a perfect start right there.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Bottom of Mel Cooley's Heart (#5.19)" (1966)
Laura Petrie: Like my mother always says, "If you don't respect yourself, nobody else will."
Rob Petrie: Yeah, well, everybody's mother says that.
Laura Petrie: 'Cept Mel's.
Rob Petrie: Well, I'm his new mother, and I don't know what to do with him, either.

[distracted my Mel's problem, Rob has eaten dinner without noticing it]
Rob Petrie: Have you got any dessert?
Laura Petrie: You ate it.
Rob Petrie: What was it?
Laura Petrie: Bavarian cream pie.
Rob Petrie: Oh, darn. I love that! Is there any more?
Laura Petrie: Darling, you had two helpings.
Rob Petrie: Aw, darn. Why didn't you tell me?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Harrison B. Harding of Camp Crowder, Mo. (#1.6)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: You're really nuts about me, aren't ya?
Laura Petrie: Not really, but Richie likes you and I hate to waste food.

Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Hello, Police Headquarter? Can you tell me where your prowl cars are? No, I mean do you have any up on the north end? Why? Well, I'd-I'd like to report a possible robbery. Maybe later this evening. No, it is not definite. No, sir, this is not a gag.
Laura Petrie: Rob, you're being ridiculous.
Rob Petrie: Captain, I can't talk now, my wife's bothering me.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Impractical Joke (#4.16)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: [entering to find Rob blowing on the bottom of their telephone] What are you doing now?
Rob Petrie: Uh, blowing on the phone, honey.

Rob Petrie: What're you laughin' at?
Laura Petrie: I just got a picture of you standing on the lawn screaming like a chicken.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Man from My Uncle (#5.27)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: There's a G-man in the living room.
Laura Petrie: And there's a nut in the kitchen.

Rob Petrie: When is the last time you were asked to be a responsible adult citizen?
Laura Petrie: Well, you're talking like a responsible adult citizen, but I have a feeling that inside there's a little boy jumping up and down saying "Oh, goodie, goodie, goodie, cops and robbers."
Rob Petrie: That is ridiculous.
Laura Petrie: Is it? How many grown men still have their Captain Midnight decoder rings?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sally and the Lab Technician (#1.3)" (1961)
Laura Petrie: Why hasn't Sally ever married, Rob? I think, as a comedy writer, she'd be fun to be with. She's an attractive girl.
Rob Petrie: Sal's had plenty of boyfriends but she scares 'em off.
Laura Petrie: How?
Rob Petrie: She's too quick with the answers. Guys hate girls who make jokes about everything.
Laura Petrie: Well, you don't mind if I make jokes.
Rob Petrie: Well, I would if you made one every time you opened your mouth.

Laura Petrie: Rob, you know what I was thinking?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, and I'm one hundred per cent against it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It's a Shame She Married Me (#2.29)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: It's kind of interesting and very flattering to see a man destroy himself for the love of a beautiful woman.

Laura Petrie: Uh, would anyone like some coffee?
Jim Darling: Yes, as a matter of fact I could use a cup.
Rob Petrie: I'll get it honey.
Sally Rogers: [Jumping up] Ah, I'll help you Luara.
Rob Petrie: Sally, I said I'm going get it.
Sally Rogers: Oh, boy, are you going to get it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Making of a Councilman (#5.17)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: He's got more, much more. I was just reading here in his biography. Listen to this: He graduated with honors from law school.
Laura Petrie: Lot of people graduate from law school.
Rob Petrie: At eighteen?

Laura Petrie: You know, you're beginning to sound like you don't want to win.
Rob Petrie: No, I want to win all right, but I want to win on my qualifications, not on my smile.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, we heard your qualifications - you better stick to the smile.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Bad Old Days (#1.28)" (1962)
[Rob answers the front door]
Laura Petrie: [from the kitchen] Who is it, dear?
Rob Petrie: Nobody important, just the neighborhood smart-aleck.
Laura Petrie: Oh, hi, Jerry!

Laura Petrie: You know, you may think of yourself as a brainwashed American male but as far as I'm concerned you're a thoughtful, considerate husband.
Rob Petrie: Yeah - thoughtful, considerate and declining.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Man's Teeth Are Not His Own (#2.13)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: I know he'll understand about the emergency but I'm just wondering if he's going to understand about this other one.
Laura Petrie: What other one?
Rob Petrie: [pointing to another tooth] That one.
Laura Petrie: Did he do that too?
Rob Petrie: Yeah. It needed doing but I could easily have waited for Jerry.
Laura Petrie: Well, why didn't you?
Rob Petrie: Well, I don't know. I was sittin' there in the chair with my big mouth open, I thought I might as well let him drill away.

Laura Petrie: Look, Jerry's been back in town for a week now. You can't avoid him forever.
Rob Petrie: Who's tryin' to avoid him forever? I'm simply trying to avoid him long enough so I can figure out a way to tell 'im about those strange inlays on HIS back molars.
Laura Petrie: Darling, those are YOUR back molars.
Rob Petrie: According to Jerry, my teeth are his teeth.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Cat Burglar (#2.15)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: Now, Lieutenant, my husband doesn't want publicity. He wants his table and chairs.
Rob Petrie: Honey, I know how to say it. Lieutenant, I don't want any publicity. I want my table and chairs.

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Word a Day (#1.20)" (1962)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Morning, honey.
Laura Petrie: Shh.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: What'd I do? Kiss you too loud?

Laura Petrie: How 'bout some dinner?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Whadda you having?
Laura Petrie: Spaghetti and meatballs.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I don't want any.
Laura Petrie: Well, honey, that's your favorite.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I know. If I eat it I'll get happy and I want to stay mad!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bad Reception in Albany (#5.23)" (1966)
Laura Petrie: Even Reverend Dorman is upset the way you behave, Rob. No one will EVER forgive you.
Rob Petrie: Honey, Reverend Dorman HAS to forgive me.

Rob Petrie: Honey, I know you're upset.
Laura Petrie: I never COULD fool you, could I?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sound of the Trumpets of Conscience Falls Deafly on a Brain That Holds Its Ears... (#3.12)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: Well, I'm just glad this whole thing is over.
Rob Petrie: Well, I am too, but... I don't know. In a way, I wish I could have been a little more helpful to 'em.
Laura Petrie: Well, I am delighted that you weren't.
Rob Petrie: Honey, that is not a very good attitude to have.
Laura Petrie: Rob, you did much more than most people would.
Rob Petrie: Wha... No, I did not. Some people have good memories. They remember little details. I... I didn't even get the license plate off their Edsel.
Rob Petrie: [realizing he DOES know something useful] They had an Edsel.
Laura Petrie: [worried] You saw them drive an Edsel?
Rob Petrie: A red Edsel.
Laura Petrie: I think you're back in jeopardy.
Rob Petrie: How could I forget a fire engine red Edsel? Uh, Honey, there's only one thing to do.
Laura Petrie: [as Rob moves to the telephone] Oh, Rob, don't!
Rob Petrie: Honey, I have GOT to. I can't withhold information like that.
Laura Petrie: What? Y... yes, you can!
Rob Petrie: Honey...
Laura Petrie: Darling, let's analyze this.
Rob Petrie: Analyze what?
Laura Petrie: What do you actually remember? A red Edsel. There must be thousands of red Edsels running around... SOMEWHERE.
Rob Petrie: There may be, but I'll bet there's only one red Edsel running around with bumper stickers that say "I Like Ike" and "Visit Carlsbad Caverns."
Laura Petrie: Oh... Will you stop remembering?

Rob Petrie: Honey, you don't have to go down there with me.
Laura Petrie: I know.
Rob Petrie: Well, nothin's gonna happen.
Laura Petrie: I know that, too. I just want to be there when it doesn't.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Very Old Shoes, Very Old Rice (#3.4)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: Now look, if you're not gonna pick up those children, then I'm just gonna have to.
Millie Helper: Okay, I'll go, but you're mean. I'm not gonna tell you another thing I swore not to.

Rob Petrie: You ready, Laura?
Laura Petrie: [pointedly] Well, we did drive all the way up. And you ARE missing a morning's work.
Judge Krata: A morning's work?
Laura Petrie: Oh, yes. Uh, my husband's a very important man, very busy at the office. Can't do with out him. I'm very grateful he's giving me THIS much time.
Judge Krata: Are you sure you don't wanna think this over and come back another time?
Rob Petrie: [pointedly] Oh, no, no. We've GOT to go through with it. She promised to many of our neighbors we were getting married today.
Laura Petrie: [through clenched teeth] I didn't tell.
Rob Petrie: [through clenched teeth] Don't hand me that.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sick Boy and the Sitter (#1.1)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: How's your white satin evening gown?
Laura Petrie: Fine. How's your red flannel bathrobe?

[Laura thinks Richie might be getting sick; Rob thinks she's overly and unnecessarily concerned]
Rob Petrie: Well, then, how do you know he's sick?
Laura Petrie: Well, there are symptoms.
Rob Petrie: [disbelieving] What symptoms?
Laura Petrie: Well...
Rob Petrie: Come on, I'm the boy's father.
Laura Petrie: He turned down his cupcake.
Rob Petrie: [mocking Laura, exaggeratedly] He turned down his cupcake? And you didn't call an ambulance?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Talented Neighborhood (#1.19)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Coffee?
Jerry Helper: Why, what've you got to go with it?
Laura Petrie: Fresh cheese and crackers or stale doughnuts.
Jerry Helper: I'll have the stale doughnuts. It'll give me an excuse to dunk.
Rob Petrie: Me too, honey.
Laura Petrie: [heading off to the kitchen] All right. I hope I didn't throw them away.
Rob Petrie: [to Jerry] She's got a lot of class.

Laura Petrie: [meaningfully] Honey, I didn't expect you for at least six hours.
Rob Petrie: Oh... well, the traffic... was good.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Nice, Friendly Game of Cards (#3.18)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Hey, uh, what was going on? Who was that?
Laura Petrie: Oh, his name is Lou Gregory and he's a very ungracious man. Hi, Sally.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A little suspicious, too. Hi Sal.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Jerry Helper: Well, you can't blame him. He used to be an assistant district attorney. Hi, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Hi, Jer. Well, what was he doing here?
Millie Helper: He's a patient of Jerry's and we invited him over for a nice, frienly evening. Hi, Sal.

Lou Gregory: [angry that he lost a good hand to Rob] Why, that's pure luck!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [gloating in a southern accent] Why, sir, down in ole Mississippi we call that "know-how."
Laura Petrie: Will you stop gloating?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [still in his accent] All I said was "know-how." You know what means, don't cha? That means that you folks ain't got no chance... no how.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Hustling the Hustler (#2.5)" (1962)
Blackie Sorrell: Oh, do you... do you, uh... do you play pool, Laura?
Laura Petrie: [indicating Rob] Not with this one I don't. He's a real hustler.
Blackie Sorrell: Is he now?
Laura Petrie: You've heard of Minnesota Fats? This is Illinois Skinny.

Laura Petrie: [having pulled off a trick shot to her own surprise] I, uh... believe that finishes the game, Mr. Petrie.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Twizzle (#1.23)" (1962)
[Sally and Buddy try identifying Laura's prepared dinner by its smell]
Sally Rogers: [nose in the air, breathing in deeply] Chicken paprikash and wild rice.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Leg of lamb and roast potatoes.
Laura Petrie: Baked lasagna.
Buddy & Sally: [simultaneously to each other] Told you.

Laura Petrie: What do actor's usually want when they walk off a set?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: A belt of booze.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sally Is a Girl (#1.13)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: You wouldn't think I was over-dramatizing if you'd seen the look on her face when she kissed me.
Laura Petrie: She KISSED you?
Rob Petrie: Yes.
Laura Petrie: Where?
Rob Petrie: Right in the office.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Talk to the Snail (#5.24)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Bake some brownies.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Rob Petrie: Honey, when they hear news like that, they're gonna want a good, stiff drink.
Laura Petrie: Rob, Buddy and Sally don't drink.
Rob Petrie: I know it, so you better have some brownies to offer 'em.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Jealousy! (#1.7)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: Morning, honey.
[puckers his lips expecting a kiss, but instead gets an earful]
Laura Petrie: [in rapid-fire fashion] What do you mean by that? It may be a good morning for you, but it wasn't for me! You didn't have to clean up the mess that this one made when he decided to finger paint all over the bathroom mirror with the toothpaste. And you don't have to be concerned at all about the fact that the cleaning woman isn't coming today and you have five people coming for lunch. Sure, go ahead, good morning! Why not?
Rob Petrie: [recoiling] Honey, give me another chance. I'll go out and come in again.
[starts for the door to the living room]
Rob Petrie: I won't say good morning - I'll just wave as I go by.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is a Check-Grabber (#2.21)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Uh, Honey, the, uh, mortgage payment is due tomorrow. Is it all right if I pay it?
Laura Petrie: Why do yo ask?
Rob Petrie: Oh, well, I didn't want you to think I wanted the bank to fall in love with me.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Farewell to Writing (#5.2)" (1965)
[Rob thinks he heard the phone ring though it didn't]
Rob Petrie: [now hearing an actual noise] What was that?
Laura Petrie: The refrigerator defrosting. You wanna answer it?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Body and Sol (#5.11)" (1965)
Sol Pomerantz: [to Laura] Well, he can't take you on a picnic this Sunday. He's going to be fighting.
Sol Pomerantz: [to Rob] What're you doin' Sunday, Rob?
Laura Petrie: Rob?
Sol Pomerantz: Champ.
Laura Petrie: Darling.
Rob Petrie: Well, um... uh... Well, on a... on a... going on a picnic. Or I'm gonna fight.
Laura Petrie: Which?
Rob Petrie: Well, I... Whatever I decide, I'm gonna be fightin' with SOMEBODY. I can see THAT.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I'm No Henry Walden (#2.26)" (1963)
Mrs. Huntington: [continuing to mis-introduce Rob and Laura to other guests] And, then, this is Vonitia Fellows. Uh, uh, Bill and Rob Petrof.
Mrs. Venetia Fellows: [shaking Rob's hand] Bill.
Rob Petrie: [correcting] Rob.
Mrs. Venetia Fellows: [shaking Laura's hand] Rob.
Laura Petrie: [correcting] Laura.
Mrs. Venetia Fellows: [correcting] Vonitia.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Big Max Calvada (#3.9)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: You're not really THAT nervous, are you?
Rob Petrie: Not nervous? When's the last time you saw me put on a tie to take a shower?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Will You Two Be My Wife? (#2.17)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: Rob's coming over with a surprise?
Millie Crumberbacher: Yeah.
Laura Petrie: How do you know?
Millie Crumberbacher: Well, never mind...
Laura Petrie: Well, don't you DARE tell me what it is. If it's a surprise, I want Rob to tell me.
Laura Petrie: [unable to wait even a second] What is it?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Buddy, Can You Spare a Job? (#1.14)" (1961)
Laura Petrie: Let me put it this way: I have a happy, semiwell-adjusted husband who comes home and greets me with a smile and a kiss - and I'd rather have that than all the money in the world.
Rob Petrie: Yeah?
Laura Petrie: Yeah. So how about a smile?
[Rob flashes a toothy smile]
Laura Petrie: And a kiss?
[they kiss]
Laura Petrie: That's what I want.
Rob Petrie: Hey - I didn't realize I was such a great smiler and kisser!
[sits down on the bar stool by the kitchen counter]
Laura Petrie: [leans her head on her elbows, looks at Rob at eye level and purrs like a cat] R-r-r-rr-rrr - rrrrr-rr-r.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Like a Sister (#2.8)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Darling, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - I'm a woman.
Rob Petrie: [after Laura exits] I better write that down.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Return of Edwin Carp (#3.27)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: How do you imitate fish?
Edwin Carp: Perfectly.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Day in the Life of Alan Brady (#5.25)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Millie, Alan wants you to uninvite twenty-eight people.
Millie Helper: What?
Laura Petrie: He only wants you to have twelve people at YOUR party.
Millie Helper: Well... how come you... w-why... w-who do... well... What did YOU say?
Rob Petrie: Those exact words.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Too Many Stars (#3.6)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: Rob, why don't you just come out and admit it? She was very very good.
Rob Petrie: All right, she was fantastic. All right, you know, for what she does there.
Laura Petrie: Well, what does THAT mean?
Rob Petrie: Well, Honey, it just means that the whole thing is... is just a trick, that's all.
Laura Petrie: A trick?
Rob Petrie: Well, yeah. She fooled everybody, Honey. You come out and sing great and dance great, people are GONNA think you're talented. She didn't fool me, though. Not for one minute. I saw through her. You take away all that fabulous dancing, all that great singing, what is there left? Nothing but that... haunting beauty.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is Not a Drunk (#2.6)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Okay, what say we eat first and then get hypnotized?
Jerry Helper: Good.
Millie Helper: Eat first?
Laura Petrie: Sure, we always do it that way.
Buddy Sorrell: Not with my wife's cookin'. Better you should be hypnotized first.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Secret Life of Buddy and Sally (#2.10)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Herbie's Hiawatha Lodge is... is their romantic hideaway.
Laura Petrie: Rob, nothing will make me believe that.
Rob Petrie: Nothin'll make me believe it either till I see it - and I gotta SEE it!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Fifty-Two, Forty-Five or Work (#5.14)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: Rob, don't wrinkle the table.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Show of Hands (#4.28)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Buy a corsage from... from me.
Laura Petrie: What should I write on the card from you?
Rob Petrie: Wha... just say you love yourself and sign my name.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Jilting the Jilter (#2.31)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: Well, where'd you two have dinner?
Freddy White: At the Plush Pheasant.
Rob Petrie: Plush Pheasant? That's kind of classy, isn't it?
Freddy White: I hope to kiss a rhino. You know what it cost for dinner for two? Forty-one dollars, not including the tip.
Sally Rogers: Ah, what'd you tell 'em for?
Freddy White: Well, why not? Listen, I've never met a girl before that took me to such expensive places.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Unwelcome Houseguest (#1.9)" (1961)
[Ritchie is hiding from Buddy's dog, Larry, in a broom closet]
Rob Petrie: [opens closet door] Ritchie, what are you doing in that closet?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie: Eating chocolate pudding.
Rob Petrie: [to Laura] Honey, why do you let the boy eat chocolate pudding in a broom closet?
Laura Petrie: Because you let a wolf eat spaghetti in the garage!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Father of the Week (#1.22)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: What's the problem?
Laura Petrie: Well, it's this Father of the Week thing. Ritchie's upset about it.
Rob Petrie: Well, didn't you tell him I'll be there?
Laura Petrie: Mm-hm. That's why he's upset.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Dear Mrs. Petrie, Your Husband Is in Jail (#3.29)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Rob, I don't like to see you taking the blame for someone else. And, besides, I don't want to see your name on some police bladder.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Plots Thicken (#3.25)" (1964)
Mr. Meehan: [as the argument ramps up] A commitment is a commitment.
Laura Petrie: Dad...
Sam Petrie: A toast is a toast!
Rob Petrie: Dad...
Mr. Meehan: A priority is nothing?
Laura Petrie: Dad!
Sam Petrie: Priority, my foot! A son is a son.
Rob Petrie: Dad.
Sam Petrie: Shut up!
Mr. Meehan: And a daughter is a daughter.
Laura Petrie: Dad...
Mr. Meehan: Shut up!
Laura Petrie: Rob...!
Rob Petrie: Shut up.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Turtles, Ties, and Toreadors (#3.11)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: [contacting the employment agency] Well, look, uh, she just isn't working out. Well... that... because you didn't mention a few little things, that's why.
Laura Petrie: Like she doesn't speak English.
Rob Petrie: Like she doesn't speak any English at all. And she's got a broken arm. Whadda you mean, why didn't I ask? Why should I ask about a bone?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bupkis (#4.24)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: Rob, would you just think what we could get with one million pennies?
Rob Petrie: Copper poisoning?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Remember the Alimony (#5.20)" (1966)
Laura Petrie: You gave your friends our divorce money?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Never Name a Duck (#2.1)" (1962)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: There's a bright side to havin' ducks around the house, too.
Laura Petrie: There is?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, yeah. W-when... when they... when they grow up, we can have fresh duck eggs for breakfast every morning.
Laura Petrie: From which one, Oliver or Stanley?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: When a Bowling Pin Talks, Listen (#2.32)" (1963)
Uncle Spunky, Ritchie Petrie, Laura Petrie: [the Uncle Spunky Oath of Allegiance] "For Crummy Buttons I'll be good; I'll keep my hands real clean; and, if at the store they don't have any more, I promise to make a big scene."

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Two Faces of Rob (#2.2)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: [in an Italian accent] Carissima, are you married?
Laura Petrie: Would it make a difference?
Rob Petrie: Eh... well, no, I... I suppose not.
Laura Petrie: Then why ask the question?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Bird in the Head Hurts (#2.11)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: What's he doin' now?
Laura Petrie: Well, he's soaking in the bathtub. It's the only thing that'll keep him quiet.
Rob Petrie: Well, keep him soaking awhile.
Laura Petrie: Oh, I hate to. His fingers and toes are all pruny.
Rob Petrie: Honey, would you rather have him pruny or hysterical?
Laura Petrie: Pruny.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: There's No Sale Like Wholesale (#4.32)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: They know you're not Nunzio's wife.
Laura Petrie: Well, then why do I say "I'm Nunzio's wife?"
Rob Petrie: To identify yourself.
Laura Petrie: Okay, okay. I'm Nunzio's wife. Now, who's Nunzio?
Rob Petrie: He's the guy at the warehouse.
Laura Petrie: I thought he was Tony Morello.
Rob Petrie: Honey, Buddy is Tony Morello. I'm Mr. Zatini. You are Mrs. Vallani.
Laura Petrie: Wait a minute. What's Nunzio's last name?
Rob Petrie: Vallani.
Laura Petrie: Oh, well, then I'm Mrs. Vallani. Who's Rudy?
Rob Petrie: Uh, he's got a wart. That's all I know.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Was a Teenage Head Writer (#2.19)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: We're together, right?
Laura Petrie: Right.
Rob Petrie: We're a team, right?
Laura Petrie: Right.
Rob Petrie: All right, then. If... if you and I had a big fight and I said I'm walking out, wouldn't you walk right out with me?