Mary Richards
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Quotes for
Mary Richards (Character)
from "Mary Tyler Moore" (1970)

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"Mary Tyler Moore: Mary's Delinquent (#6.8)" (1975)
Mary Richards: I've been around, well - alright, I might not have been around, but, I've been nearby.

Mary Richards: [Mary's on the phone with the Big Sister program] Hello, ths is Mary Richards, and I would like to talk to someone about getting a little sister... right, I think I should mention that I haven't had a whole lot of experience in this area, and I was sort of wondering if you had a girl who hasn't done uh... well, a girl, you know who hasn't been... listen; would you have a girl who's just sort of cranky?

Murray Slaughter: So: how did things work out at the Big Sisters?
Mary Richards: Terrific! They put you through a kind of screening process, and, uh, I guess I passed, 'cos I've got a little sister!
Murray Slaughter: Ah - what's she like?
Mary Richards: Well we were just sort of introduced, so, we didn't get a chance to talk, but, she's 15, bright, cute as a button, and out on probation for shoplifting.
Sue Ann Nivens: What was the name of this group, Mary?
Mary Richards: The Big Sisters.
Sue Ann Nivens: The big sisters that would be the perfect thing for me to clinch the award and I'd be wonderful at it, because, I had an ideal relationship with my own sister. And it wasn't easy; naturally, she resented being the ugly one.
Mary Richards: I had to mention the Big Sisters, didn't I? Now, because of me, some poor underprivileged kid is going to be forced to learn how to cook a quiche

Mary Richards: Celestine, can I get you something?
Celestine: Oh, no, thanks, I got these.
[Addresses Francine]
Celestine: Hey, you want some?
Francie: Sure, I love reds.
Mary Richards: Uhhhhhhhhh...
Celestine: [Interreupting Mary's stammer] Oh, I'm sorry - would you like some?
Celestine: Listen, um, girls - what you do on your own is one thing, you know, but, when you're here, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put my foot down, I'm sorry, but, uh, I just don't go for that kind of thing.
Celestine: You don't go for... TicTac's?
Mary Richards: Yeah, well, you know...
[Mary flips a Tic-Tac in the air, and catches it in her mouth]
Mary Richards: .

Ted Baxter: Hey Murray. Murray; where's my money?
Murray Slaughter: Uh, in my top left-hand drawer, Ted.
Ted Baxter: Is that camera left, or 'real' left?
Murray Slaughter: Left, Ted.
Ted Baxter: It's not here, Murray.
Murray Slaughter: What do you mean it's not there?
[growing concerned]
Murray Slaughter: It's got to be there - I just put it there, before lunch!
[after Murray rummages though the drawer]
Murray Slaughter: It's not there!
Ted Baxter: Somebody stole my money!
Mary Richards: Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. Oh, oh, I know what you're thinking, well, you're just wrong! Francine doesn't steal money from desks! She happens to be a shoplifter!

Ted Baxter: [after handing Ted his money back after finding out it was indeed Francine, who stole it from Murray's drawer] So; she stole it, huh?
Mary Richards: Yes, Ted.
Ted Baxter: [Smugly] I was right, huh?
Mary Richards: [Trying not to play Ted's game] Yes, Ted, you were right.
Ted Baxter: [Smug] You were wrong.
Mary Richards: [Beginning to get irked] Yes, Ted, I was wrong.
Ted Baxter: [Trying to emphasize he was correct] I was right, and you were wrong.
Mary Richards: Yes, Ted, you were right, and I was wrong.
Ted Baxter: [Again trying to emphasise he was right] You were wrong, and...
Mary Richards: [Exasperated] Ted, I was wrong and...
Ted Baxter: [shouting] Alright, alright, Mare, let's not dwell on it

Mary Richards: [In Mr. Grant's office, right after Mr. Grant lectured Francine about returning an item she'd just stolen] Well, how hard could it be to do something like that, right? Just, walk in, and say 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I don't need this, I don't want this, please take it back.'
Lou Grant: Good Mary. Now just remember that, when you take back the helicopter.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Love Is All Around (#1.1)" (1970)
Lou Grant: You know what, you've got spunk!
Mary Richards: Well, yes...
Lou Grant: I *hate* spunk!

Lou Grant: Look, Miss, I was just about to have a drink, and I wouldn't mind some company. Want one?
Mary Richards: Oh, no thank you.
Lou Grant: I said I wouldn't mind some company.
Mary Richards: Well, all right, I'll... I'll have a Brandy Alexander.

Phyllis Lindstrom: [First lines of series, entering the iconic apartment] Well, Mary, what do you think? Here it is.
Mary Richards: Wow. Hey, it really is charming, isn't it?

[during Mary's job interview]
Lou Grant: What religion are you?
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, I don't quite know how to say this, but you're not allowed to ask that when someone's applying for a job. It's against the law.
Lou Grant: Wanna call a cop?
Mary Richards: No.
Lou Grant: Good. Would you think I was violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married?
Mary Richards: Presbyterian.

Lou Grant: What religion are you?
Mary Richards: I don't know quite how to say this, Mr. Grant, but you're not allowed to ask that. It's against the law.
Lou Grant: Want to call a cop?
Mary Richards: No.
Lou Grant: Would I be violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married or not?
Mary Richards: Presbyterian.

Lou Grant: You got a lotta spunk.
Mary Richards: Why thank you, Mr. Grant
Lou Grant: I HATE spunk.

"Mary Tyler Moore: You've Got a Friend (#3.11)" (1972)
Lou Grant: [In an attempt at trying to have Mr. Grant be friends with her father, Mary goes out to lunch with both men] I'd like a vodka martini. What do you want to drink, Mary?
Mary Richards: Oh, gosh, I dunno. I got a lot of work to do this afternoon. If I have a drink, I won't be any good.
Lou Grant: If I don't have a drink, I won't be any good.

Mary Richards: [Mary decides on what to drink] Well, I'll have a Bloody Mary... but, without the vodka.
Lou Grant: [Lou turns to the waitress, Rayette] You know the vodka your leaving out of her drink?
Waitress: Yeah?
Lou Grant: Put it in mine.

Mary Richards: [Now that Mary and Mr. Grant have ordered drinks, Mary asks her father what he'd like] Daddy, what about you?
Walter Richards: I'll uh, I'll pass.
Mary Richards: You sure?
Waitress: Yeah, be sure, because I hate making 2 trips.
Walter Richards: Nothing, thank you.
Mary Richards: Daddy, you used to have a drink, every now and then.
Walter Richards: That was before all the evidence was in about what it does to you
[Mr. Grant, who's been quietly eating peanuts, perks up when he hears this, and glares at Mary's dad]
Walter Richards: You know, most people think alcohol is a relaxant. It's actually a depressant.
Lou Grant: [With a mouthful of peanuts] I enjoy getting a little depressed, now and then.
[Swallows his peanuts]
Lou Grant: As a matter of fact, once in a while, I like to get stinking gloomy.
[Lou starts laughing at his own comment]

Dottie Richards: [Mary's mother, Dottie, is heading out of Mary's apartment, to leave Mary and her father, so they can spend some time together] Well, guess I just better be going.
[She starts heading to Mary's front door, and passes her husband, who's got a quizzical look on his face]
Dottie Richards: Have a nice time, you two.
Mary Richards: You too, mom.
Dottie Richards: Right.
Walter Richards: [Kisses his wife, Dottie] Night, Dottie.
[He looks at Mary, not knowing what's going on]
Dottie Richards: [Nervously speaks] Goodbye, dear.
Walter Richards: [Confused] Aren't you gonna stay?
Dottie Richards: [Whispers conspiratorially] She won't let me!
[With that, Dottie heads towards the front door]
Dottie Richards: Don't forget to take your pill.
[Dottie announces, loudly]
Mary Richards, Walter Richards: [Simultaneously] I won't.
[Walter looks towards Mary, with a surprised look, and Mary just blankly stares into space]

"Mary Tyler Moore: Bess, You Is My Daughter Now (#1.3)" (1970)
Mary Richards: Have you had dinner?
Bess Lindstrom: Yes, Phyllis burned it.
Mary Richards: Aw, I'm sorry.
Bess Lindstrom: Why? You didn't burn it.
Mary Richards: Well, no. But it's just that when you try to fix something and then it doesn't turn out right it's kinda disappointing.
Bess Lindstrom: Well, it doesn't bother Phyllis.
Mary Richards: Do you always call your mother Phyllis?
Mary Richards: It's her name!

Lou Grant: Who's the kid?
Mary Richards: Oh. Well, that's kind of a long story.
Lou Grant: How can it be a long story? I say 'Who's the kid', you say 'Sally Jones'. Who's the kid?
Mary Richards: Bess.
Lou Grant: That wasn't too long.

Lou Grant: I'd like to cuss right now because that kid's out there. But I can't cuss because that kid's out there. Do I make myself clear?
Mary Richards: I think so. You'd like to cuss, is that it?

Mary Richards: [to Ted Baxter] Mr. Grant asked me to remind you it's Richard Milhous Nixon, not mill horse.

"Mary Tyler Moore: It Was Fascination, I Know (#3.12)" (1972)
Mary Richards: You don't suppose... it's him?
Rhoda Morgenstern: [Opens the door, sees Phyllis] Worse... it's her.

William Campbell: [Mary's young admirer - and Bess' 'young man - has shown up at. Mary's, and starts to ask her questions] Tell me, Mary; why haven't you ever gotten married?
Mary Richards: Uh, just never met the right guy, I guess.
William Campbell: But, you have lived with somebody, before, though.
[with a smile on his face]
Mary Richards: [Nervously] I-I-ice cream.
William Campbell: What?
Mary Richards: Ice cream! That's what we need, is some ice cream.
[Mary quickly jumps up from the chair]
Mary Richards: I haven put had any desertt, and I bet I bet you haven't had your desert, either, right? So, why don't I just go down to the store
[Mary grabs her coat, with William following her]
Mary Richards: , and get some ice cream, and I'll have Bess come up here, and then we'll all have some ice cream!
[Mary runs out the door, and yells]
Mary Richards: Bess!

Phyllis Lindstrom: [Mary's talking to Rhoda, who's about to leave her apartment. As Rhoda opens the door, Phyllis walks in - looks at Rhoda, then goes straight to Mary] Yoo-hoo, Mary, I'm glad I caught you alone. Are you busy?
Mary Richards: Well, Phyl, as a matter of fact, I...
Phyllis Lindstrom: [Cuts Mary off, mid-sentence] Good. Rhoda, close the door
Rhoda Morgenstern: Oh, yeah
[with that, Rhoda closes the door - with Rhoda still inside the apartment]
Phyllis Lindstrom: [Phyllis, next to Mary, twiddled her fingers, in in her 'serious' tone, speaks] Bess... is outside - wit his her young man., and they're going to the school dance, and she's so proud of him, I just know how much she'd like you to meet him...
Mary Richards: Oh, sure , I'd love to meet him...
Phyllis Lindstrom: [Phyllis starts towards Mary's front door, then stops, and turns back] Oh, and, um, Mary; when I bring them in, um, don't make a big tsimmes over them. Don't treat them like children. They're not children., you know. They're little people.
Rhoda Morgenstern: [With a smirky-smile on her face] I would love to meet your 'little people'. Why don't you slide them under the door ?

"Mary Tyler Moore: A Son for Murray (#5.12)" (1974)
Murray Slaughter: I want to leave a little piece of myself behind.
Mary Richards: Why don't you pickle a kidney?

Mary Richards: Sometimes I think men have no idea what's involved in caring for a baby. The amount of time that's involved. The total commitment...
Lou Grant: Hey! Hey! Why are you telling me? I've got three kids! You don't have any!
Mary Richards: Well, you don't have to be a chicken to recognize an egg.
Lou Grant: Well, you do if you want to lay one.

Mary Richards: A woman doesn't have to have a baby if she doesn't want to.
Lou Grant: Well, I say a man's entitled to have a baby if he wants to.
Mary Richards: [Chuckles] Well, Mr. Grant, on behalf of women everywhere let me say we'd sure like to be there when he has it.
Ted Baxter: She got you there, Lou.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Not a Christmas Story (#5.9)" (1974)
Sue Ann Nivens: [Sue Ann walks in to the newsroom, dressed in a Christmas-themed outfit; red top, red skirt, accessorised with a sprig of mistletoe as a pin, and more mistletoe on the skirt] HI people
Mary Richards, Murray Slaughter: [Half-heartedly] Hi.
Sue Ann Nivens: [Sue Ann walks towards Mary and Murray] Isn't it beautiful out there?
[Mary mumbles in agreement, as she and Murray get back to work, ignoring Sue Ann]
Sue Ann Nivens: I mean - snow always inspires such awe in me.
[Sue Ann starts talking in a 'philosophical' tone]
Sue Ann Nivens: Just consider one single, solitary snow-flake, alone.
[Sue Ann's standing by Mary's desk]
Sue Ann Nivens: So delicate, so fragile, so ethereal
[Mary looks up at Sue Ann with a smile on her face]
Sue Ann Nivens: And yet
[Sue Ann looks wistfully into space]
Sue Ann Nivens: - let a billion of them, come together, through the majestic force of nature, they can screw-up a whole city.

Mary Richards: Sue Ann, why are you wearing a Santa Claus apron?
Sue Ann Nivens: Oh, I just finished taping a special, on Christmas dinner in many lands. I call it; 'yuletide yummies for world-wide tummies.'

Mary Richards: [Murray's upset, and asks if he's 'allowed' to get some coffee. Mary tries to get Murray to stop his attitude. She walks up behind him with a smile] Murray... Murray!
[Mary bounces behind him]
Mary Richards: Murray? Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray! Mu-u-u-u-r-rrr!
[Mary nuggets his arm]
Lou Grant: Somehow I don't think you're swaying him with your logic.

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Critic (#7.14)" (1977)
Mary Richards: [At Mel's office party or, his snooty friend, Professor Karl Heller, Mary walks up to Karl as he's chatting with Sue Ann - who's circling Karl like a bumble bee - about theatre] I just love the theatre. I just saw a revival of My Fair Lady. What a perfect show
[she says effusively]
Mary Richards: .
Karl Heller: Well, I personally have nothing against derivative schmaltz
Mary Richards: [Mary, nervously replies] Granted, it did have it's flaws...
Karl Heller: [Begins replying w/out letting Mary finish, and doesn't even look in Mary's direction] But, I don't see how a marriage of second-r8 Shaw, and third-rate operetta can produce anything but drivel.
[Looks at Mary]
Mary Richards: [Avoiding eye contact] Not , not a great show, by any means, but, uh
[looks at Karl]
Mary Richards: the 'costumes
[said with enthusiasm]
Karl Heller: [Looking away from Mary] Hollow pomp. Draped in fruity decadence.
[Looks at Mary]
Mary Richards: Check! I think, I'm, uh, I just get another... drink
[Mary smiles, and walks away]

Ted Baxter: [Ted's sitting next to Professor Karl Heller, who's about to do his first critique on the 6 O'Clock News] And now, the distinguished professor, Karl Heller. Karl; what are you going to criticise tonight?
Karl Heller: When I accepted the job as 'cultural watchdog,' to this metropolis, my immediate question was; 'what sort of people live here?' At first glance, this town might appear to be an enclave of be-knighted yahoos...
Ted Baxter: Well, I couldn't agree more...
[Ted smiles, vacuously, then gets serious-looking]
Ted Baxter: ... unless, of course that's bad.
Karl Heller: I wondered; are their cultural pretensions as vacant as their smiles? Is this really the heart, of what Mencken called the 'booboisie'?
Lou Grant: [Watching with Murray and Mary in the newsroom] He just called our entire audience 'boobs, and 'yahoos.'
Mary Richards: May-maybe that was just a teaser. May, maybe he was kidding
Karl Heller: It is said that a people get the culture they deserve. In the night's to come,we shall try to find out exactly why no first-rate art has ever been created in this vacant - but intellectually famished - arid - and sterile city.
Ted Baxter: [Ted, who's been staring at Karl, unfolds his arms and turns to the camera, and clears his throat] This is, uh... Ted Baxter
[nervously smiling]
Ted Baxter: saying 'good night,' from Phoenix, Arizona.

Ted Baxter: Tonight, our critic-at-large turns his attention to the TV scene. Karl.
Murray Slaughter: [Mary and Murray in the newsroom, watching on Murray's TV] Well, I wonder who Jack-The-Ripper will attack tonight.
Karl Heller: I think it is only fair that we apply the same critical standards to television that we do to anything else.
Ted Baxter: Very sound thinking.
Karl Heller: [Without looking at Ted] Thank you.I think our first task out to be to putter own house in order.
Ted Baxter: Call them the way you see them, Karl. Let the' chiperinos' fall where they may.
Karl Heller: What you're watching at this very moment is a classic example of what's wrong with television in this town.
[Though Ted's smiling at Karl, he has no clue what Karl meant]
Karl Heller: It is the pursuit of personality at the expense of competence.
Ted Baxter: [All serious-faced] I'm not sure I understand.
Karl Heller: [Not even looking at Ted] I'm sure you don't.
[Ted nervously looks off-camera]
Karl Heller: Let's face I; WJM is the biggest offender in that regard. From the dowdy frumpy of The Happy Homemaker Show, to the bumbling, foot-in-the-mouth delivery of a certain anchorman
[Ted -utterly confused - slowly tuns his gaze off-camera to see if anyone knows what Karl's talking about]
Karl Heller: And backing them up, right down the line
[Murray shakes his head, as Mary looks on in disbelief]
Karl Heller: are dull writing, inept staging, and high school production methods.
[Murray looks mad, and Mary looks mad, as well]
Karl Heller: Well, there you are; the emperor has no clothes
[Ted looks too see if he's wearing clothes, then again, looks off-camera, confused]
Karl Heller: Tomorrow, we shall look at some other stations in town, and see if they fair any better. Meanwhile this is Karl Heller saying; let the viewer beware.
Mary Richards: [Murray turns the TV off] 'High school production methods?'
Murray Slaughter: 'Dull writing.' Buy, he didn't miss anybody, did he?
Lou Grant: [Lou's door opens, and he slams his door, and walks to Murray] Murray; be a good guy, and go buy me a gun.
[Lou pulls out a wad of cash, and hands it to Murray]

"Mary Tyler Moore: Ted's Change of Heart (#7.5)" (1976)
Ted Baxter: Mary, I didn't get a chance to thank you. You saved my life by pressing your lips to mine.
Mary Richards: Ted, it was nothing.
Ted Baxter: What'd you expect? I was sick.

[Ted has gone out to the balcony to watch the moon]
Mary Richards: Wow, he really has changed!
Georgette Baxter: I know! And, Mary, I've had it with him! I mean, I'm not ready for this. The Ted I married was loud, vain and egotistical; that I could handle. Then he has a little heart attack and turns into St. Francis of Assisi!

[Everyone's stunned at Ted's sudden return to normalcy]
Murray Slaughter: What happened?
Mary Richards: Well, I guess this experience, this feeling must go away.
Lou Grant: Yeah. I just remembered. The same thing happened in the war. During combat I never held life more dearly. But the feeling started to go away the minute the Germans stopped shooting at me. I never forgave them for that. I guess it always wears off.

"Mary Tyler Moore: A Reliable Source (#6.22)" (1976)
[Mary is upset that Lou is going to expose the congressman]
Mary Richards: Murray, I have never fought him on a story before, but I am going to fight him on this one. And what's more, I'm going to whip him!
Murray Slaughter: [as Sue Ann walks into the newsroom] You're going to whip Lou Grant?
Sue Ann Nivens: Ooh! Need any help?

[Mary confronts Lou in his office about the congressman's story]
Mary Richards: Listen, Mr. Grant, after you left last night, I did a great deal of soul-searching, as I'm sure you did too.
Lou Grant: "Soul-searching"? Mary, any man who calls Sue Ann Nivens at four o'clock in the morning isn't searching for soul!

[an upset Ted has just learned how much money Sue Ann makes]
Ted Baxter: Mary, do you know what Sue Ann takes home every week?
Mary Richards: Three sailors, a tree surgeon and the boy in the mailroom.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Baby Sit-Com (#2.18)" (1972)
Rhoda Morgenstern: Is this the guy you showed me his picture in the paper and he's adorable?
Mary Richards: Right
Rhoda Morgenstern: So what are you staying home for when you can go out with him and little Bess doesn't mind if you leave her with somebody?
Mary Richards: Rhoda, I can't -
Rhoda Morgenstern: Ok, I'm gonna help you, Mary. I'll go out with him.

Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, I just can't thank you enough.
Lou Grant: You may have a point there.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Mary's Father (#6.3)" (1975)
Fr. Terrance Brian: Mary, I'm not thinking of leaving the priesthood for you.
Mary Richards: You're not?
Fr. Terrance Brian: No
Mary Richards: You mean there's someone else?

Mary Richards: I want to apologize for some of the questions Ted asked. Sometimes he gets a little carried away.
Fr. Terrance Brian: Oh, that's all right, Mary. We're all God's creatures. It just goes to show you that even He
[points and looks up]
Fr. Terrance Brian: can have an off day.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Hi There, Sports Fans (#4.5)" (1973)
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, please no. I've never fired anybody in my life.
Lou Grant: Mary.
Mary Richards: I had a cleaning lady once I couldn't fire. So I moved.

Lou Grant: [Mary's crying after having spent so much time, trying to pick what she felt would be the best new newscaster for WJM, and all he said were 3 sports scores, so Mr. Grant takes her into his office to talk, and she sits in a chair, with Mr. Grant kneeling aside] I wanna see you smile. So, Mary; let me tell you about life. We're born, we live, and we die. And you wanna know what it all means?
[Mary nods]
Lou Grant: nothing.
Mary Richards: [Stifling her tears] Nothing?
Lou Grant: [Looking up at Mary] Nothing.
[Lou thinks for a moment]
Lou Grant: Loo at Winston Churchill
[Lo moves towards his desk]
Lou Grant: , a great man, right? Maybe the greatest man of the century.
[Lou sits at his desk]
Lou Grant: Let me ask you this; when was the last time you heard anybody mention Winston Churchill?
Mary Richards: [a glum-looking Mary thinks for a moment] I dunno...
Lou Grant: The greatest man of the century and you don't know. Alright. Remember well everyone thought the sportscaster had died?
[Mary shakes her head, 'yes']
Lou Grant: look at this postcard. Read what it says
[hands a post card to Mary]
Mary Richards: 'Sorry to hear about Ed having a wonderful time just regards, Charlie Kellerman.'
Lou Grant: [Nodding] That's what a man's life comes down to, Mary; 'sorry to hear about Ed,' on the back of a picture postcard of Disneyland.
[Mary chokes tears]
Lou Grant: Mary, Mary. Mary. Cheer up.Cheer up!
[Lou moves from his seat to the front of his desk, to console Mary]
Lou Grant: Because, In an infinite universe, on a planet the size of a pin, we are mere specks of dust, just waiting to be blown away. You see what I'm trying to tell you?
Mary Richards: [Choking her words] I see.
Lou Grant: Good.
Mary Richards: [Mary gets up, and straightens her outfit, as she heads towards the door] Thank you, very much, Mr. Grant.
Lou Grant: You're welcome.
Mary Richards: [Mary's at the door, her hand on the knob] I feel...
[bursting into tears]
Mary Richards: so much better.

"Mary Tyler Moore: I Love a Piano (#5.6)" (1974)
[Mary and Lou are hustling around the newsroom, upset that Murray has been out to lunch all afternoon]
Mary Richards: Oh, well, I just don't believe it - 4:30 and Murray is still not back from lunch?
Lou Grant: Doesn't he know that we have a show to get on the air?
Ted Baxter: You know, it's fascinating. Here in Minneapolis/St. Paul, it's 4:30 and we're hard at work. In New York, it's the cocktail hour, and the lights are beginning to twinkle on the Great White Way. And, in London, smartly dressed theater-goers are strolling down the Strand for a late supper at the Savoy. And in Tokyo, it's tomorrow. Actually tomorrow! Do you realize there are people alive here in Minneapolis who are already dead in Tokyo?

[Murray has returned to the newsroom, drunk]
Lou Grant: What have you been drinking?
Murray Slaughter: Pouilly-Fuissé.
Lou Grant: [nods] Too bad.
Mary Richards: What do you... mean? What? Why?
Lou Grant: I've been a newsman for thirty years. I've sobered up guys who were drunk on everything from scotch to aftershave lotion. But never once in my life have I had to sober up anyone who was drunk on Pouilly-Fuissé. I don't know what to do! I don't know whether to give him black coffee or cheese!

"Mary Tyler Moore: Menage-a-Lou (#6.19)" (1976)
Lou Grant: [Lou's taken aback, as he's just been introduced to his old girlfriend, Chrarlene, and her new - and young - boyfriend, who's a figure skater] Gee, I've never met a figure skater before. This is really exciting. You guys make such a valuable contribution to society. Why, just this morning, I was asking myself; 'how come they've never given a Nobel Proze to a figure skater before?'
Mary Richards: [Nervously butting in to try and stop Lou from saying any more] Uh, Mr. Grant, would you like to freshen your drink?
[Mary grabs Lou's elbow, and attempts to steer him towards the kitchen, but, he doesn't move]
Lou Grant: [Without even looking at Mary] No.
Mary Richards: Kenny, can I get you somethings?
Lou Grant: Why don't you get some ice, for Kenny to twirl around on?

Mary Richards: This is ridiculous, Mr. Grant, trying to make Charlene jealous!
Lou Grant: Oh, you think so?
Mary Richards: Yes, I do. It's asinine it's moronic. It's dumb. It's something Ted would do
Lou Grant: There's no need to be insulting.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Neighbors (#5.13)" (1974)
Lou Grant: Now I need a plumber for my house.
Mary Richards: What's wrong?
Lou Grant: My grandson made a wonderful discovery over the weekend. You cannot flush a banana.

[Ted is complaining to Mary that he doesn't like the new cue card *girl*]
Ted Baxter: And there's, uh, there's something else, too. I, ahem, I don't feel right, you know, ahem, when I make, ahem, certain kind of jokes during the commercial breaks when a girl's around.
Mary Richards: Well, Ted, if you don't feel right, then don't make them.
Ted Baxter: Well, I... I have to! They keep the little people relaxed. They keep them sort of loose, you know? I need a loose crew, Mary!
Murray Slaughter: Ted, if you don't have a loose screw, nobody does.

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Dinner Party (#4.10)" (1973)
Rhoda Morgenstern: Mary, I thought you knew. Your parties are, uh, disasters. I mean, I thought you knew. How could you not know that?
Mary Richards: Yes, I know. Okay. I know. I knew. I just didn't know that anyone else knew.

Sue Ann Nivens: Mary, dear - do you have any idea what happens when you let Veal Prince Orloff sit in an oven too long?
Mary Richards: No, what?
Sue Ann Nivens: He dies.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Divorce Isn't Everything (#1.4)" (1970)
Ted Baxter: Mary, I need your advice about something.
Mary Richards: Yeah, sure, Ted.
Ted Baxter: Not that it's important, but... Do you think it sounds too risqué for an anchorman to say he sleeps in the raw?

Mary Richards: Hey, Rhoda, do you know what I'm doing? I am changing my clothes at eight o'clock at night so that I can go to a club where I'm going to lie about being divorced so that I can perhaps in a few months' time end up in Paris speaking Spanish.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Support Your Local Mother (#1.6)" (1970)
Rhoda Morgenstern: Read the card on that gift. I guarantee you it will be something that makes me crazy.
Mary Richards: [Opens the card] "No one in the world will ever love you as much as I do." That's lovely.
Rhoda Morgenstern: To the naked eye it's lovely. But think about it, Mary. I'm thirty years old, right? And single. And no matter where I go or who I meet or how long I may live, no one will ever love me as much as she does. That's not a card - that's a curse!

Mary Richards: Murray?
Murray Slaughter: What?
Mary Richards: What special are we doing?
Murray Slaughter: It's called "Is Air Pollution Really So Bad?"
Mary Richards: Tell me, what kind of a television station does a special favoring air pollution?
Murray Slaughter: The one where the chairman of the board owns a smelting plant.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Farmer Ted and the News (#3.9)" (1972)
Mary Richards: [Ted Baxter's been doing his commercials, and Mr... Grant's depressed about the whole situation. Mary goes in to Mr... Grant's office, and tries to talk to him] Mr. Grant, what is it?
Lou Grant: [Mr. Grant's standing there - dejected, looking defeated] Hmmm?
Mary Richards: What's wrong?
Lou Grant: Oh.
Lou Grant: I think Baxter's finally got me. I've gone over his contract, a dozen times. There's nothing I can do to stop him. First it was that tomato slicer. Then it was that commercial for that woman's product. I didn't even know what it was. I had to ask my wife what they used it for. She wasn't sure.
Lou Grant: Mary, he's got me.
Mary Richards: [Trying to cheer Mr. Grant up] Mr. Grant, how about if I fix you a nice drink?
[Lou just nods his head, silently, 'no', and looks forlorn]
Mary Richards: You haven't had a nice drink in days.
[Lou lumbers towards his desk's chair]
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, I'm worried about you.
[Mary and Mr... Grant both sit down]
Lou Grant: [Mr. Grant sighs] Somehow... booze just doesn't taste good to me, anymore. You know, sometimes, I think I'm losing contact with reality. Like, last night... I was watching a movie on TV, you know - to try... and... forget. And this dog food commercial came on. And I could've sworn, I heard a dog bark, that sounded just like Ted.
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, isn't there anything I can do?
[Lou mouths 'no]
Mary Richards: The news is on.
[Spoken like talking to a sad child]
Mary Richards: You wanna watch the news?
Lou Grant: I suppose so.
Mary Richards: I turned it on very softly.
[MAry walks towards the door, but, as she grabs the door knob, she turns, and becomes full of 'vim']
Mary Richards: Mr... Grant, doesn't it just make you mad? I mean - wouldn't you like to really chew Ted out?
[She makes a fist, as Lou just sits - lethargic, and silent. Lou says nothing, so Mary leaves the office]

"Mary Tyler Moore: One Boyfriend Too Many (#6.14)" (1975)
Joe Warner: Because you think that since I'm a man, I wouldn't be as hurt by these things as you are.
Mary Richards: Oh, well, let's be honest, Joe. You're not going to cry your eyes out all night like I did.
Joe Warner: No. No. I'll be doing the male version of crying. You want to know what that is? Trying to act like it doesn't hurt. And you don't know what hurting is until you try to act like it doesn't.

"Mary Tyler Moore: What Do You Want to Do When You Produce? (#6.15)" (1975)
[Mary and Lou are discussing the evening's lineup]
Mary Richards: And we managed to get an on-the-spot report of the raid of that porno theater downtown, which we can use in the news tonight.
Lou Grant: Terrific! How did you do that?
Mary Richards: Luck. Some of our crew just happened to be in the theater at the time.

"Mary Tyler Moore: My Son, the Genius (#7.7)" (1976)
Ted Baxter: I'm not taking David to a shrink!
Mary Richards: Ted, come on. It's just a child psychologist.
Ted Baxter: I don't care how old he is!

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Good-Time News (#3.1)" (1972)
Gordy Howard: [Mar's 'happy talk' revamping of the 6 O'Clock News is a disaster, as Ted s trying to be funny, and show he has 'personality'] And now, speaking for the management of WJM-TV, Mary Richards. And I'm sure after you see her, you'll understand why I say; 'Mary, I don't know what it is your for, or against, but, whatever it is, I'm with you.
Mary Richards: [Smiling] Thank you, Gordy. We'd like to speak out tonight for population control . Between the years 1932 and 1978, the population of the world will have doubled.
Ted Baxter: [Interrupting Mary] that should do something for our ratings, hey, Mary?
Mary Richards: [Nervously smiling] population experts agree that if growth continues at this rate, world population will reach 7 billion by the year 2000.
Ted Baxter: [Interrupting Mary, again] Hey, I think I'll go into the diaper business.
Mary Richards: [Beginning to stutter] Which points to a disaster of global importance.
Ted Baxter: Oh come on, Mare, don't be such a gloomy Gus.
Mary Richards: The management of WJM feels that television can play a critical role in the control the population growth...
Ted Baxter: [Interrupting Mary] We sure can. As long as they're watching the old tube, they can't make the population grow, can they?
Mary Richards: Television has a responsibility...
Ted Baxter: Get it, Mare?
Mary Richards: [Turning to Ted, off camera] Will you shut up, Ted?
[Ted - off-camera - looks at Mary with disbelief. Mary, turns to face the camera. We see her on a monitor - shocked at what she just said. Her mouth open, and eyes wide, she just stares straight ahead]
Lou Grant: [Lou, who's been drinking while watching the broadcast with Murray] Murray, did I just hear right? Did I hear Mary tell Ted to shit-up on the air?
Murray Slaughter: [Drunk] Yeah.
Lou Grant: [Smiles] Good.

"Mary Tyler Moore: What's Wrong with Swimming? (#7.4)" (1976)
[Lou shows up at Mary's apartment for dinner, even though Mary is no longer expecting him]
Lou Grant: Hello. You didn't say what time. Is this OK?
Mary Richards: OK for what?
Lou Grant: Dinner. You did invite me to dinner, didn't you?
Mary Richards: Well, yes, Mr. Grant. But I can't imagine, after that scene in your office, that you would think it's still on.
Lou Grant: You never said it wasn't.
Mary Richards: You mean to tell me you expect us to sit down and eat dinner tonight after that fight we had?
Lou Grant: Mary, during World War II everyone was fighting, but we all kept eating.
Mary Richards: Yeah, yeah. But you never sat down to eat with the Germans.
Lou Grant: They never invited me. And you did.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Will Mary Richards Go to Jail? (#5.1)" (1974)
Mary Richards: Well, I'll just - I'll just have to go to jail, that's all. It's the right thing. It's the honorable thing.It's the only thing. There's just one problem.
[Suddenly hysterical]
Mary Richards: I don't want to go to jail, Mr. Grant. I'm afraid to go to jail. I've never been to jail, Mr. Grant. I never even had to stay after school!

"Mary Tyler Moore: Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters' School (#5.23)" (1975)
The Student: Is ths the entire faculty?
Mary Richards: No, we're just the... department heads
[exasperated, turns to sit and says at Mr. Grant]
Mary Richards: Who IS ths person? What are we DOING here?

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Seminar (#6.17)" (1976)
[Mary has answered the phone and refuses to believe that she is really speaking to Betty Ford]
Mary Richards: [sarcastically] Hi, Betty. This is Mary... Queen of Scots.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Put on a Happy Face (#3.23)" (1973)
Mary Richards: [accepting her Teddy Award] I usually look so much better than this.

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Last Show (#7.24)" (1977)
Mary Richards: I just wanted you to know that sometimes I get concerned about being a career woman. I get to thinking my job is too important to me, and I tell myself that the people I work with are just the people I work with. And not my family. And last night, I thought, 'what is a family, anyway?' They're just people who make you feel less alone... and really loved. And that's what you've done for me. Thank you for being my family.

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Six-and-a-Half-Year Itch (#2.11)" (1971)
Rhoda Morgenstern, Lou Grant: [Mary, Lou and Rhoda all walk into Mary's apartment, after abruptly leaving a movie theatre, because, Mr. Grant saw his son-in-law at the film with another woman. Rhoda's the only one who doesn't know why they left, and why Lou's so mad] I'm not angry. What makes you think I'm angry?
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, do you think you might feel better if you- you know, talk about it, sort of get it off your chest?
Rhoda Morgenstern: Get what off his chest? Please - give me hint, you two. What does it sound like? What letter does it start with?
Lou Grant: [Walks towards Rhoda] It starts with 'I'. I... saw... my... son-in-law at the movies tonight
Rhoda Morgenstern: [Lou's standing almost eyeball-to-eyeball with Rhoda] You saw your son-in-law in the movies tonight?
Lou Grant: Yeah.
Rhoda Morgenstern: Your son-in-law?
Lou Grant: Hmmm
Rhoda Morgenstern: [Realising she understands] Oh.
[Realising the guy they introduced her to was the son-in-law]
Rhoda Morgenstern: Oh!
[Realising the guy was with another woman, who wasn't Lou's daughter, i.e., his wife]
Rhoda Morgenstern: Ooooh!

"Mary Tyler Moore: Ted Baxter Meets Walter Cronkite (#4.21)" (1974)
Mary Richards: [meeting Walter Cronkite] So nice to meet you. Really. Nice. Nice. Really.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Lou and That Woman (#5.4)" (1974)
Mary Richards: Did you crash the men's room?
Sue Ann Nivens: Of course not. I went as somebody's guest.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Mary Richards and the Incredible Plant Lady (#3.24)" (1973)
Mary Richards: If I know I can't have it, why look?
Rhoda Morgenstern: If I felt that way I'd never go to a Paul Newman movie.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Love Blooms at Hemples (#4.9)" (1973)
Mary Richards: Rhoda. Rhoda *Fay*. It doesn't matter what the letter says. The important thing is that you don't send the letter at all.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Toulouse-Lautrec Is One of My Favorite Artists (#1.7)" (1970)
Mary Richards: [introducing Rhoda to her short date, Eric Matthews] Eric, I'd like you to meet my friend, Rhoda Morgenstern; Rhoda, this is Eric Shrimp.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Today I am a Ma'am (#1.2)" (1970)
Rhoda Morgenstern: How can you gorge yourself and stay so skinny? I'm so hungry I can't stand it.
Mary Richards: Why don't you eat something?
Rhoda Morgenstern: I can't. I've got to lose 10 lbs by 8:30.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Sue Ann Gets the Ax (#7.17)" (1977)
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant! Will you LOOK at what you are doing?

"Mary Tyler Moore: Rhoda the Beautiful (#3.6)" (1972)
Mary Richards: Tell us, Miss Mary Jo Beth Ann Lou, what are some of your favorite hobbies?
Rhoda Morgenstern: My favorite hobbies are cheerleading, liking people, and living in America.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Two Wrongs Don't Make a Writer (#4.23)" (1974)
Ted Baxter: Come on, Mary, if you were me, would you have any self-respect?
Mary Richards: Gee, I wish you put it another way, Ted.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Mary the Writer (#7.2)" (1976)
Lou Grant: You see, Mary? Ted's writing is lousy - even worse than yours. But when you brought yours to me, I respected you enough to tell you the truth. Would you rather I had treated you like I treated Ted? Huh? Would you prefer that I patronize you like some idiot? Shower you with empty compliments? Huh? Pump up your ego like you were some empty-headed, bumbling, brainless boob? Is that what you want?
Mary Richards: God, yes!

"Mary Tyler Moore: More Than Neighbors (#2.19)" (1972)
Mary Richards: [to Ted] You're going to have a lawyer look over a simple lease?
Ted Baxter: An ounce of perversion is worth a pound of cure.

"Mary Tyler Moore: A Girl's Best Mother Is Not Her Friend (#2.5)" (1971)
Phyllis Lindstrom: For the past two years I've been teaching a course, showing mothers how to relate to their children.
Mary Richards: Phyllis, isn't that a ceramics course you teach?
Phyllis Lindstrom: They *think* it's a ceramics class.

"Mary Tyler Moore: A Boy's Best Friend (#5.11)" (1974)
Ted Baxter: Hey, it just occurred to me, the fact that my mother's living in sin - does that make me a...
Mary Richards: No, Ted, *that* doesn't make you one.
Ted Baxter: [sighs in relief]
Murray Slaughter: [Smiles at Ted] But we'll always think of you as one anyway.
Ted Baxter: [Smiles sheepishly as he exits the newsroom] Thanks, Mur!

"Mary Tyler Moore: Ted's Wedding (#6.9)" (1975)
[Mary is reading the inscription Sue Ann has written in the copy she has given Mary of her new floral arranging book]
Mary Richards: Ah. "To a shrinking violet who rosed to be a budding producer". Oh, Sue Ann, that's too cute for words.
Sue Ann Nivens: I know. I tried to use a floral motif for each inscription.
[Murray starts to read what Sue Ann wrote in his copy]
Murray Slaughter: "To a fine writer whose work I always admired". Why thanks, Sue Ann. But what's that got to do with flowers?
Sue Ann Nivens: If you spread it on the ground, it helps them grow.