Buddy Sorrell
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Quotes for
Buddy Sorrell (Character)
from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" (1961)

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"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ghost of A. Chantz (#4.2)" (1964)
Mr. Little: There are no reservations. No rooms.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Well, that's impossible.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: That's what we've been telling him. Look, Mr. Cooley called and made reservations. Right, Mel?
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: That's right. I...
[realizes that he forgot and holds his forehead]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: The Hairless Phantom strikes again.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Rob and I will work things out. Look, why don't you girls go and have dinner.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [Referring to Buddy] Oh, and take IT with you. Rob, I-I just feel awful.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Don't feel so bad, Mel. You finally accomplished a great feat - you got everybody hating you at the same time.
[to stuffed moose on the wall]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Attack!

[Sally walks out in a robe with her hair covered by a hairnet]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [Reacts in fright] Ah! Oh!
Sally Rogers: What's with you?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Sally, Sallly, we've-we've been working together five years. I never knew you looked like that.
Sally Rogers: Like what?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Like my wife.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Did you, uh... Gonna go to bed with your shoes on?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You know I can't run in my bare feet.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Buddy, we've been here all evening and not one strange thing has happened.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, no? How about that fireplace?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I told you it's probably a live ember buried in the coals.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, or a dead body buried under the floor.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All I know is that there's someone that wants us to leave here.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, yeah, me, me!
Sally Rogers: Look, Rob, I'm with Buddy. This is getting to be like a bad horror movie. All we're missing is Vincent Price and the thunder and the lightning.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I'm scared!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, I agree that we should leave here, but let's not lose our heads now.
[Buddy and Sally open the door to leave, thunder and lightning start, they come back in and put down their bags]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: All that's missing now is Vincent Price.
[There is a knock on the bedroom door and it opens by itself]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: The door's open, the door's open.
Sally Rogers: [nervously] Vincent?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [all piled into the hide-a-bed] Anybody asleep?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You nuts?
Sally Rogers: Who could sleep?
Laura Petrie: I am fast awake.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: My heart's beating so hard it's gonna knock the covers off.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, it's been over two hours now and nothing strange or unusual has happened.
Sally Rogers: No? What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed with their clothes on?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [all piled in the hide-a-bed] Look, I'll admit, a lot of strange things are goin' on here but I think that whoever or whatever it is doesn't want to hurt us.
[as the hide-a-bed starts to fold up on them, they all jump out of it]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Boy, look at that! A man-eating bed!

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Ghosts, ghosts! That's what it was! This place is haunted like they said.
Sally Rogers: Who said? A ghost haunted? Who said?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Rob!
Laura Petrie: Rob?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I didn't.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: He did!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It isn't!
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: It is!
Laura Petrie: Well, is it?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I never said...
Sally Rogers: Well, who?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who who who? It's what he says!
Laura Petrie: Did you?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I didn't. No, the guy I saw...
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, yeah, there was a guy told Rob that the... that the place is haunted! And he says there's a guy got murdered here and he's coming back and he's gonna get all of us!
Sally Rogers: Who?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who? That's the ghost with the mustache!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [arriving at the cabin] Buddy, you didn't bring any of the stuff in!
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah...
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Will you go get it, please?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: W-would you go with me?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: For crying out loud, I'll get it myself!
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Can... can I go with you?

[the lamp near the sofa comes on by itself]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Buddy, will you turn the light off, please.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I didn't turn it on.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I suppose it went on all by itself then, huh?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: If-if you didn't turn it on, it went on by itself, or...
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, there's probably a logical explanation for that.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, like a live ember in a dead bulb?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [to Mel] Well, at least when I got scared, I got hair to stand on end.

Laura Petrie: Be a good sport. After all, you were the biggest chicken of us all.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You did some pretty good cluckin' there yourself.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Twizzle (#1.23)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. My Aunt Agnes was right. You know what she said when she saw Randy at the bowling alley? She said, "Sally, you can't tell a book if the title's covered."
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Y'know, I don't feel very good.
Sally Rogers: What?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I don't feel good.
Sally Rogers: Well, what's the matter?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I'm beginning to understand Aunt Agnes.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [meeting Randy] Boy, look at the size of this kid! If he fell down he'd be out of town.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I like that twist, boy. It's like puttin' your pajamas on in an upper berth.

Mel Cooley: [arriving] Sally, I hope you didn't get me up here on a wild goose chase. I want you know you disturbed my dinner.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: We're even. You just disturbed mine.

Mel Cooley: I have a feeling someone's pulling my leg.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Maybe your garter belt's too tight.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I guess I'll go in my car, too, by myself. I like to catch up on my nap when I'm drivin'.

[Sally and Buddy try identifying Laura's prepared dinner by its smell]
Sally Rogers: [nose in the air, breathing in deeply] Chicken paprikash and wild rice.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Leg of lamb and roast potatoes.
Laura Petrie: Baked lasagna.
Buddy & Sally: [simultaneously to each other] Told you.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I like to think that basically all tall, good-lookin' guys are rats. No offense meant, Rob, but I've been short a long time.

Laura Petrie: What do actor's usually want when they walk off a set?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: A belt of booze.

Mr. Eisenbauer: We're not interested in money, Mr. Petrie.
Sally Rogers: You don't want more money?
Mr. Eisenbauer: No. As a matter of fact I think they're overpaying Randy as it is.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Wait a minute. You mean you want the kid to work for LESS money?
Mr. Eisenbauer: I really don't care.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Hey, this guy sounds like my agent!

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Our producer - a lot HE knows. He picked Germany in the first world war.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Meershatz Pipe (#1.10)" (1961)
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [the writing staff noticed that the pipe is made of ivory and are trying to finish "The Alan Brady Show" with a joke] Oh, ivory! Beautiful! Finish it with an ivory joke, at the piano, right?
Sally Rogers: Yeah.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: He sits and he looks at the keys; he says, "Do you realize that it takes two elephants to make the keys for a piano like this?" And the guest star says, "My, I didn't know those big brutes did such delicate work."

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Look at this! These jokes are gold!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Not gold, lead. I read 'em.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You read 'em, but you don't listen to what you're reading. You've gotta listen, you gotta hear like... like Alan would say it. Uh, look at this one: "Calling car 32! Calling car 32! Wipe off your windshield, somebody is stealing your radiator cap!"

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: We're writing a comedy show, we got no time for jokes.

[first lines]
Sally Rogers: ...and Alan says, ah, "Good night, folks, and remember, if you ever find yourself in hot water, take a bath."
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Good! Good, I like it.
Sally Rogers: Good.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, wait a minute!
Sally Rogers: What?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: We can't do it.
Sally Rogers: Why?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Did it last week.
Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah, that's where I heard it.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Hey, d'y'ever see the collection Alan has? Oh, he must have over five hundred pipes in his den.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: In his den? In his house?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: No, the den in his car. What kind of a question is that?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Rob! How do you feel?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm fide!
Sally Rogers: Fine? You look like an ad for "Send this boy to camp."
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I don' wanna go to ca'p!

Sally Rogers: You mean Alan didn't give you that pipe?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Alan give ME a present? It aggravates him to give me my salary.

Sally Rogers: You mean to tell me that all that jazz about Lazslo Meershatz and the pipe, you just made that up to make us both feel like second bananas?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: Good thinking!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [Buddy is talking about Alan having a den in his house] I haven't been to Alan's house since I signed my contract last year.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, maybe if and when you sign your new contract next year, you might get to see it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Nice, Friendly Game of Cards (#3.18)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Boy, look at all the fun I missed. And I, like a dope, went to the dog show.
Buddy Sorrell: D'you win anything?

Buddy Sorrell: He just thinks Rob is a crook.
Sally Rogers: Well, why does he think he was a crook?
Jerry Helper: Well, because he accused Rob of slipping a deck of marked cards into our poker game.
Sally Rogers: Marked cards? Well, why would he think that?
Buddy Sorrell: Because that's what Rob did.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Why would I use marked cards to win ten dollars?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, it's easier than sticking up a live chicken market.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, come on, Mr. D.A., are you in or out?
Lou Gregory: I'm a former D.A.
Buddy Sorrell: I don't want your credentials. I want your money.

Beth Gregory: Oh, Lou, don't take it so seriously. It's just a game.
Lou Gregory: There's no other way to take it. It's how you play the game. It doesn't matter if you win or lose.
Buddy Sorrell: As long as you wind up at the end of the evening with all the money.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm gonna go put on my lucky slippers.
Buddy Sorrell: What're gonna do, shuffle the cards with your toes?

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, how 'bout a little Three Card Barrington?
Beth Gregory: Three Card Barrington? How do you play that?
Buddy Sorrell: You just deal three cards. Red nines are wild. Seven of clubs is high. Low card passes. Ace, nine, six, four of all suits is Barrington.
Millie Helper: And that's when you win?
Buddy Sorrell: No, that's when everybody gets up and walks around the chairs.
Beth Gregory: Well, how do ya... how to ya win?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, while everybody else is walking around the chairs, I grab the money.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: This is my magic deck.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, magic is right. You just made your friends disappear.

Sally Rogers: Look, if I don't get all the gory details of this, I'm goin' back to the dog show.
Buddy Sorrell: You still won't win anything.
Sally Rogers: Oh, shut up.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Uhny Uftz (#5.3)" (1965)
Mel Cooley: [seeing Rob standing on his shoulders] What's he doing?
Buddy Sorrell: He was walkin' on the ceiling and he fell off.

Buddy Sorrell: I like company when I'm wandering around in a dead building.

Buddy Sorrell: All the flying saucers in the world, he has to get one with a speech impediment.

Rob Petrie: What are you sneaking around in here for?
Buddy Sorrell: I always sneak around in empty buildings! You think I want somebody to hear me?

Rob Petrie: You uhny uftzed me.
Buddy Sorrell: Rob, I've done a lot of rotten things in my life. I never uhny uftzed anybody.

Rob Petrie: I MUST have been asleep. It seemed so REAL.
Voice: Uhny Uftz.
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, you dream real good.

Rob Petrie: It's gotta be a dream. How could a flying saucer get in a ventilator?
Voice: Uhny Uftz.
Buddy Sorrell: I-I heard it, too.
Rob Petrie: How do I know I'm not dreamin' YOU?

Voice: Uhny Uftz.
Rob Petrie: [listening door to door for the source of the alien voice] It's not in the men's room.
Buddy Sorrell: No?
Voice: Uhny Uftz. Uhny Uftz.
Rob Petrie: Not in the ladies room.
Buddy Sorrell: See if they got one marked "Creatures."

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Alan Brady Show Goes to Jail (#4.8)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: [in prison] Hey, girls, be careful where you sit down. Be sure the chairs ain't plugged in.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, why don't you stay in longer, you know, after your term is up?
Lyle Delp: What for?
Buddy Sorrell: Build up a credit in case they nab ya again.

Lyle Delp: Well, ya see, uh... we-we haven't had a show here in several months, eh-heh.
Buddy Sorrell: Gee, I thought you had one every week.
Lyle Delp: Well, we... we do, you see, but, uh, the warden had to postpone the last one, uh, because of the riot.
Rob Petrie: The riot?
Lyle Delp: Well, eh-heh, it wasn't exactly a riot. It was sort of a... a difference of opinion, eh-heh... with injuries.

Lyle Delp: [regarding Buddy's heart print underwear] Those are the craziest shorts I ever saw.
Buddy Sorrell: They're a Mother's Day present.
Lyle Delp: Mother's Day?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. I got it for my mother but she wouldn't wear 'em.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you sure they like short, fat, cello players?
Lyle Delp: They'll love you. You have nothing to be afraid of.
Sally Rogers: They've never heard him play.

Buddy Sorrell: There's a real sweetheart of a guy. Does great imitations. He did Dillinger so good, they're holding him over for twenty years.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you wanna hear a little music? You're gonna hear as little as possible.

Buddy Sorrell: You know how they play Russian Roulette in India? One of the cobras is hard of hearing.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Pen Is Mightier Than the Mouth (#3.21)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Listen, you know that after the show, that switchboard was flooded!
Buddy Sorrell: What happened? The sink in the washroom overflow?

Rob Petrie: All right, we'll finish Alan's monologue, then we'll go to work on yours. Is that good enough?
Sally Rogers: Oh, perfect, but would you mind writing mine first, please?
Buddy Sorrell: Why should we write yours first?
Sally Rogers: Well, Alan doesn't have to go to the beauty parlor, and Alan doesn't have to buy a new dress.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, he should. The one he's got is very shabby.

Buddy Sorrell: I can't read your stuff. What'd you do, write this with a dirty fingernail?
Rob Petrie: Will you just stop giving me reviews and let me read it? Okay. "Alan..." "Alan entrances?..." Enters! "Alan enters and steps deed on his trucks."
Buddy Sorrell: What's the matter? Can't you read? Terrible handwriting. That's "steps dead on his tracks." Your writing's awful. Hey, that's MY handwriting.
Rob Petrie: What'd you do, write it with a dirty fingernail?

Mel Cooley: W-where's Sally?
Rob Petrie: Uh... dentist.
Buddy Sorrell: [together with Rob] Foot doctor.
Buddy Sorrell: Uh, b'uh... foot dentist. She had her big toe filled.

Mel Cooley: Now, you're the head writer.
Rob Petrie: So, Mel, what do you want me to do?
Buddy Sorrell: Write him a new head.

Sally Rogers: [as she exits] I love you both!
Buddy Sorrell: [muttering] "I love you both." Boy, I wish she wouldn't have said that.
Rob Petrie: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, because I feel guilty, uh, you know, hatin' somebody that loves me.
Rob Petrie: Oh, I think that's kind of childish, Buddy.
Buddy Sorrell: You mean you don't hate her?
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, but I don't feel guilty about it.

Rob Petrie: Well, couldn't you at least read it so we could write it back? What, did you flunk penmanship or something?
Buddy Sorrell: "Read it so you can write it back?" What'd YOU flunk, tonguemanship?

Mel Cooley: Alan's been chewing my head off.
Rob Petrie: Oh, is that how it happened?
Mel Cooley: ROB!
Rob Petrie: I'm sorry, Mel. I'm not myself today.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, he's gettin' to be more like me. Notice the improvement?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Romance, Roses and Rye Bread (#4.6)" (1964)
[Sally discovers a single red rose in her desk]
Rob Petrie: I think you've got a secret admirer, huh?
Sally Rogers: Secret admirer?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, you know, like those guys who send, uh, a dozen roses to chorus girls.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but I'm not a chorus girl.
Buddy Sorrell: That's why you only got one.

Rob Petrie: Hey, wait a minute. This rose DOES have kind of a manly smell about it. What... what is it, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: [smelling Sally's rose] Pastrami.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. That's what it is. It's pastrami.
Sally Rogers: Well, there's our first clue. My secret admirer loves pastrami.
Buddy Sorrell: Either that or this flower was pollinated by a kosher bee.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, there he is, the guy with enough foreheads for four heads.
Mel Cooley: I have no time for your insults.
Buddy Sorrell: [brightly] We can do it later.

Sally Rogers: [trying to learn the source of her rose] Mel, Mel? Um, you have a garden, don't you?
Mel Cooley: It's my hobby.
Sally Rogers: [presenting her flower] Do you know anything about that?
Mel Cooley: [taking and appraising it] Why yes. It's a rose.
[Mel hands it back and exits]
Buddy Sorrell: We shoulda called him earlier.

Bert Monker: What is Rock Huson gonna give ya? Heartache.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, what do we get from your sandwiches? Heartburn.

Buddy Sorrell: Avant garde? That's French for off-Broadway garbage.

Sally Rogers: That's the story of my life. I'm surrounded by funny guys. You know, just once, just once, I'd like to meet a guy who only knew one punch line, "Will you mary me?"
Buddy Sorrell: That's a straight line.
Sally Rogers: I'll take it. No, I mean it, I mean it. I don't care, even if he's not in show business or knows nothing about comedy, is a dull, bland, unfunny guy.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Mel] Don't just stand there - volunteer.

Buddy Sorrell: [seeing Mel exit] There he goes, the only office boy with a key to the executive washroom.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Boarder Incident (#1.21)" (1962)
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I knew I loved my wife, but I didn't know how much I liked her.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: What're you doin' here so early?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I wanted to be first in line for the water cooler.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I miss my wife.
Sally Rogers: Aw.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Go ahead and laugh. It's funny.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: We've not laughin'.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, Buddy, you know we never laugh at anything you say.

Sally Rogers: Look, fellas, I once shared an apartment with some very close friends and it just didn't work out. We fought all the time.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who was it?
Sally Rogers: My mother and father.

Laura Petrie: Dinner's almost ready, and in honor of your visit I made a cake.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, thanks a lot, Laura, but I'm not allowed to eat fried food.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Fried? You don't fry a cake.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: No kiddin'. Wait'll my wife hears about this.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [finishing dinner at the Petrie's] Laura, I wanna tell ya, you got a nice place here. You put in a few more tables and you'll do a good business.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I just don't think I should live at your house anymore.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, you've been wonderful but, let's face it, you and... and Laura aren't the two easiest people in the world to get along with.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Talk to the Snail (#5.24)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Now, Herman Glimscher will forgive you if you're a few minutes late.
Sally Rogers: That's fine, except I'm going out with Douglas Bedlork.
Rob Petrie: Who's that, a new fella?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, brand new. I don't think he's ever been used before.
Buddy Sorrell: You know somethin', those second-hand guys that look like new can't be trusted.

Buddy Sorrell: [about Sally's date] This guy is some laugher. I may take you out myself sometime.

Buddy Sorrell: All for one and two for five.

Mel Cooley: [sensing something's wrong] Why are you all standing like that?
Buddy Sorrell: We're tryin' out for a toboggan team.

Mel Cooley: Well, is there anything I can do in Alan's absence?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, join 'im.

Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute. What kind of a leader are you?
Rob Petrie: The weak, silent type.

Alan Brady: Snail, snake, what's the difference?
Buddy Sorrell: To a love-hungry snake it makes a lot of difference.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Young Man with a Shoehorn (#4.22)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: I knew the minute I saw a guy with a head like a lightbulb it was bound to light up with something good.

Sally Rogers: What is with you and that shoe store?
Buddy Sorrell: It's a good business, and with a little extra money could be a great business. Come on. What have you got to lose?
Rob Petrie: Our money.
Buddy Sorrell: Ya can't lose. If anything goes wrong, I can always be your hostage.
Rob Petrie: You're not worth that much.

Buddy Sorrell: And Uncle Lou is a great shoe salesman. He's the greatest in the business. Look, he sells shoes like I write jokes.
Sally Rogers: He sells old shoes?

[Sid quits, leaving Buddy and Rob in charge when a customer walks in]
Buddy Sorrell: YOU wait on the guy.
Rob Petrie: [in a desperate half-whisper] I don't know how.
Buddy Sorrell: It's easy. You bought shoes, didn't you? It's the same thing only you face the other way and sit lower.

Buddy Sorrell: What're you lookin' at?
Rob Petrie: Huh? Oh, uh, nothin'. I'm...
Buddy Sorrell: Well, next time you see it, lemme know.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, he was so belligerent, five pairs of shoes got up and walked out.

Millie Helper: Gee, I can't make up my mind between the black evening shoes and the sneakers.
Buddy Sorrell: Black evening shoes and sneakers? What, are you going to a formal tennis game?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Day in the Life of Alan Brady (#5.25)" (1966)
Mel Cooley: Is he wearing makeup?
Buddy Sorrell: I have a blemish.
Mel Cooley: You ARE a blemish.

Buddy Sorrell: When a man is wearing pancake and lipstick, you can't be too pushy.

Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Well, I'm sorry, Mel, that's too bad, but the waters do not part at Alan Brady's command.
Buddy Sorrell: [another bald joke] Mel's hair did.

Rob Petrie: [keeping order by directing the party, with overflow guests kept in the kitchen] This is Jerry and Millie's anniversary party, that's all, and you should act just the way you did at the last one.
Buddy Sorrell: I wasn't invited to the last one. What am I supposed to do?
Sally Rogers: Shut up or they'll put you in the kitchen.

Blanche: Hey, you're cute.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, you have good taste.

Blanche: Hey. tell me, what is Alan Brady really like?
Buddy Sorrell: I don't think he really likes anything.

Alan Brady: These people are supposed to be my friends, the little people who love me. Why don't you rush to the door and love me?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, Rob told us not to.
Sally Rogers: Attaboy, Benedict.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Bottom of Mel Cooley's Heart (#5.19)" (1966)
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, it looks like Mel's got a big problem.
Sally Rogers: No, I don't think so. I think he just gave it to Rob.

Rob Petrie: [about Mel] Well, we gotta make him feel appreciated, make him feel wanted.
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't we put his picture in the post office?

Rob Petrie: I'll pretend like I'm tyin' my shoelace.
Buddy Sorrell: Wait, you're wearin' loafers.
Rob Petrie: That's why I have to pretend.

Sally Rogers: Do you know what you are?
Buddy Sorrell: Yes, but I've learned to live with it.

Sally Rogers: Now, you think of some of Mel's good points.
Buddy Sorrell: He only got one good point, and if he wears a hat, nobody'll notice it.

Rob Petrie: That's why you need Mel.
Alan Brady: Why, because he's a drudge?
Rob Petrie: Right.
Alan Brady: A sniveling coward?
Rob Petrie: Right.
Alan Brady: A brainless idiot?
Rob Petrie: Right.
Buddy Sorrell: So far, I coulda done this.

Alan Brady: You guys make me feel like Captain Bligh. You really want Mel back Mr. Christian?
Rob Petrie: Yes.
Buddy Sorrell: So does Mr. Jewish.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It's a Shame She Married Me (#2.29)" (1963)
[New sponsor Jim Darling enters the writers' room]
Rob Petrie: Jim Darling. Excuse me for staring at you, but I've... sure I know you.
Mel Cooley: Well, of course you do. He's one of our nation's most dynamic businessmen.
Buddy Sorrell: Attaboy, Mel. Keep a civil tongue on his boots.

[Sponsor Jim Darling invites everyone up to his penthouse to celebrate their new business relationship]
Buddy Sorrell: Say, is this, uh, business or pleasure?
Jim Darling: Strictly pleasure.
Buddy Sorrell: Good. I'll leave my wife home.

Rob Petrie: And this is our new sponsor Jim Darling.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, wait a minute. Let's get that right - Jim, our darling sponsor.

Sally Rogers: Well, a man like you should TAKE time for things like tennis and golf and marriage.
Jim Darling: Well, I don't care much for tennis or golf, but I'd get married in a minute if I could find another girl like Laura.
Buddy Sorrell: How about another girl like Sally?
Sally Rogers: Another girl? How about Sally?

[Mel enters]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, speakin' of blowin' your top - ta-daaaa!

Rob Petrie: Buddy, where's, uh, Pickles?
Buddy Sorrell: She's takin' a course in cooking. She stayed home, and she's rehearsing breakfast.

Rob Petrie: [Reaching for the Potato Poopies] I'll have some more of those, Laura darling.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, Laura Darling. That would have been her name if she had married you.
[Pointing to Jim Darling]

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Obnoxious, Offensive Egomaniac Etc (#5.26)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Why did you have to type the words in? Isn't saying it enough?
Buddy Sorrell: No, there's somethin' about seeing it in print that's much better than hearing it in spoken.

Rob Petrie: Hey, there's a transom over that door. If it was open, we could crawl through it.
Laura Petrie: Rob, that's burglary.
Rob Petrie: Not technically, honey. We're taking back something we gave Alan. The worst they can call us is Indian givers.
Sally Rogers: Well, anything's better than being called unemployed.
Rob Petrie: Honey, it won't hurt if we just go up there and take a look at the door.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, yeah, Rob. Let's-let's go take a look at the door.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I don't like it.
Buddy Sorrell: What do you mean you don't like it. You didn't even see it. It's a great door.

Rob Petrie: [trying to break into Alan's office] It's locked.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you know something? If one of us were on the other side, we could open it from that side.

Rob Petrie: I tore my shirt on a nail.
Buddy Sorrell: Don't worry about it. I'll get you another shirt.
Laura Petrie: Will you get him another arm?
Buddy Sorrell: No. My policy only covers shirts and clothing.

Sally Rogers: Let's get out of here. This place gives me the creeps.
Buddy Sorrell: Sure, a creep lives here.

Laura Petrie: Rob, you can't do it without waking him.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, Rob, she's right. Let's kill 'im.

Buddy Sorrell: I-I told you he needed hair. His brain's catching cold.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: To Tell or Not to Tell (#1.8)" (1961)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [clutching his temples] Look, I've got a great deal of work to do!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: So go ahead, tear your hair out!

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Two flies talikng. One of 'em says, "Say, Mrs. Fuzzbuzz, how's the baby?" She says, "Sick - I had to walk the ceiling with him all night."

Sally Rogers: Buddy, it's when I see husbands like you that I'm glad I'm single - but that's the only time.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Oh, so I'm nuts, huh?
Sally Rogers: See, he admits it!

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: All the career women are the same. Boy, they're... they're like old fire horses - one whiff of smoke and they wanna bust out of the stable.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Rob, listen to me, the first week that you get off, take Laura for a skiing trip.
Rob Petrie: Skiing? What for? Laura can't ski. Heh, she'd break her leg.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah! Boy, you catch on fast!

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Say, I just had an idea.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Oh. That makes an even one.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Rob, don't do anything rash.
Sally Rogers: Oh, leave him alone. It's his rash.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Hustling the Hustler (#2.5)" (1962)
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: I hope I'm not disturbing anything.
Buddy Sorrell: No, I was expecting a headache anyway.

[Sally is making Buddy donate 25 cents to charity whenever he insults Mel]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, Sally, what'll it cost me to call him a big, blubber-nosed baboon?
Sally Rogers: Oh, that'll run you roughly 75 cents.
Buddy Sorrell: Can't afford it.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Mel] You're not a big, blubber-nosed baboon.
[Mel smiles and nods; Buddy puts 25 cents in Sally's can]
Buddy Sorrell: You're a small, blubber-nosed baboon.
[puts another 25 cents in the can]

Blackie Sorrell: Just to see you, I came all the way from Brazil.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, I got all the coffee beans I can use.

Blackie Sorrell: What do I have to do to convince you I'm on the level?
Buddy Sorrell: Leave town.

Buddy Sorrell: All right, tell me, what finally made you go straight?
Blackie Sorrell: The love of a good woman.
Buddy Sorrell: Oooooo.

Blackie Sorrell: She knew the way I earned a buck. She knew the whole bit. We got along pretty good. She said to me, "Blackie, you have a choice: Either you can go on hustling as you have been, shaming your family and your friends, or you can marry me and share a wonderful life and my two and a half million dollar inheritance."
Buddy Sorrell: You're kidding.
Blackie Sorrell: [pulling out a photograph] Here's a picture of the two and a half million.
Buddy Sorrell: She got two and a half million?
Blackie Sorrell: That's right.
Buddy Sorrell: And you married her?
Blackie Sorrell: Heh, that's my wife.
Buddy Sorrell: You know, she could be a lot uglier for two and a half million.

Buddy Sorrell: All right, wise guy, whadda ya want here?
Blackie Sorrell: Nothing! It's just that I'm getting old and I... I wanna set a few things right before my good looks fade away. You know, nobody believes I was a homely child.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sally Is a Girl (#1.13)" (1961)
Buddy Sorrell: Go ahead, honey. Tell 'em what a terrible cook you are.
Pickles Sorrell: Well, my mother's known as the worst cook in the whole neighborhood and she taught me everything she knows.
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, you haven't lived till you've tried her boiled steaks, with hot water sauce.

Rob Petrie: Hey, Sal, you smell GOOD today.
Sally Rogers: I do?
Buddy Sorrell: Why not? The best Bay Rum money can buy.

Rob Petrie: Whadda ya say we cut the jokes and get some work done around here?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, all right. Forget the jokes - we gotta write a comedy show. No funny stuff.

Buddy Sorrell: Look, have you noticed somethin' funny goin' on around here?
Mel Cooley: No, and that includes the scripts.

Mel Cooley: What's this "something funny going on?"
Buddy Sorrell: [highly agitated] Well, i-i-it's about Sally and Rob. W-where do ya think they are now?
Mel Cooley: Well, how do I know?
Buddy Sorrell: Out to lunch!
Mel Cooley: Well, what's funny about that?
Buddy Sorrell: I'm not with 'em, am I? And when I said I'd like to go along, Rob said, "Oh, no - two's company, three's a crowd."
Mel Cooley: I guess sometimes your best friends WILL tell you.

[Rob reveals Mel and Buddy eavesdropping at the door]
Buddy Sorrell: Do you mind closing the door. We'd like a little privacy.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ugliest Dog in the World (#5.4)" (1965)
Mel Cooley: [seeing Buddy on all fours] Should I throw you a bone?
Buddy Sorrell: Why, do you wanna get rid of your head?

Sally Rogers: Don't tell me Alan wants the script.
Mel Cooley: Of course, and so does Pally's trainer.
Sally Rogers: You mean the dog has script approval?
Buddy Sorrell: No, they ran outta newspaper.

Mel Cooley: Oh, I'd rather not show anything to Alan that's unfinished.
Buddy Sorrell: Why? He sees YOU all the time.

[Rob introduces the ugliest dog anyone's ever seen]
Rob Petrie: I got him at the dog pound. Isn't he ghastly? He's a stray.
Buddy Sorrell: Stray, nothing. He missed completely.

Mel Cooley: Oh, I think I'd better check with Pally's trainer. I don't think they'll let that creature near her.
Buddy Sorrell: They let YOU near her. This is a step up.

[the canine Pygmalion sketch is out]
Mel Cooley: So I guess you better take your dog back to the pound.
Buddy Sorrell: No, why don't we keep him and send YOU to the pound? They'll never know the difference.
Sally Rogers: Oh, sure they will. The dog's got more hair.
Mel Cooley: SALLY!
Sally Rogers: Well, Mel, I just thought it would hurt less coming from me.
Mel Cooley: Well, it didn't.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Dear Sally Rogers (#5.21)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: You've done the Stevie Parsons show a dozen times. Why are you suddenly afraid?
Sally Rogers: I know, Rob, but I've used up all my best stories.
Buddy Sorrell: So dazzle 'em with your beauty.
Sally Rogers: Ah, thanks, Buddy. I don't need flattery. I need a joke.
Buddy Sorrell: That WAS a joke.

Sally Rogers: I'll advertise for a husband on television. Funny?
Rob Petrie: Well, I... I... That's not what Buddy... That's not...
Rob Petrie: [to Buddy] You didn't mean THAT, did you?
Buddy Sorrell: If it's funny, I meant it.

Sally Rogers: Hey, did you fellas see a sack of mail?
[Mel enters]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, will you settle for a tub of lard?

Mel Cooley: I hope you didn't say anything offensive.
Buddy Sorrell: Just your name.

Mel Cooley: You know, you couldn't be replaced.
Buddy Sorrell: Why not?
Mel Cooley: Because I don't know what you are.

Rob Petrie: [as Sally begins sorting through her sack of mail] Whoa! You're not gonna read 'em NOW?
Sally Rogers: Whoa, you're not gonna try and stop me, are you? My future may be in this bag.
Buddy Sorrell: That's what I said the first time I saw my wife.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Secret Life of Buddy and Sally (#2.10)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: Well, one more joke and we can call it a week.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, one more weak joke and we can call it a month.

Rob Petrie: Look, do you... do you mind if I ask you something personal?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, not if you tell us what it is first.

Sally Rogers: He knows!
Buddy Sorrell: He knows, he knows, but he don't know WHAT he knows, and we're gonna keep it that way.

Sally Rogers, Buddy Sorrell: We'll make a deal with all you folks, here's all you have to do:
Sally Rogers: Don't tell a soul you saw us here.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, we won't tell 'em we saw you.

[Listening at the door, Rob's worst fears are confirmed]
Sally Rogers: He know. He knows we're keeping a secret from him. I think we ought to tell him.
Buddy Sorrell: No, no, he thinks we're writing for some other show. Let him.
Sally Rogers: I still think we ought to tell him!
Buddy Sorrell: Why?
Sally Rogers: Well, I just feel guilty about the whole thing, that's all.
Buddy Sorrell: Ah, guilty, schmilty. We had a wonderful weekend, didn't we?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, I gotta admit we did.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, and next week it'll be even better. You'll see.
Sally Rogers: You know, Buddy, I've been to Herbie's Hiawatha Lodge before, but it was never any fun. You being there made all the difference in the world.
Buddy Sorrell: Hah, you're my favorite female, kiddo. Hey-hey-hey, n-n-next weekend, just you and me again, huh, baby?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but, Buddy, what about your wife?
Buddy Sorrell: Eh, I'll get rid of her.

Sally Rogers: [examining a tomahawk] There's some old indian folklore burnt in on this handle.
Buddy Sorrell: What does it say?
Sally Rogers: I gotta know...
Buddy Sorrell: I gotta know.
Sally Rogers: ...is like a band...
Buddy Sorrell: Is like a band.
Sally Rogers: ...Anna.
Buddy Sorrell: Anna.
Sally Rogers: Now say the whole thing.
Buddy Sorrell: I got a nose like a banana.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Fifty-Two, Forty-Five or Work (#5.14)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute. Shh. I think I hear him coming.
Sally Rogers: Who's coming?
Buddy Sorrell: Mel.
Rob Petrie: How do you know it's Mel?
Buddy Sorrell: The footsteps. It's either Mel or Frankenstein.
[Mel enters]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, we lose. It's Mel.

Mel Cooley: People, I've got great news.
Buddy Sorrell: The Harvard Medical School found a way to get your scalp into a bottle.

Mel Cooley: I thought you'd be excited, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Why, I am, I am, but I just got the weirdest feeling.
Buddy Sorrell: [pointing to Mel] I do, too, but it'll go away when he does.

Buddy Sorrell: A good comedy writer is worth his weight in sour cream.

Mel Cooley: Well, I hope you've got something to do this summer, because Alan's just gonna loaf.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, he's takin' YOUR job, huh?

Mel Cooley: Well, I CERTAINLY won't miss YOU this summer!
Buddy Sorrell: Well, I'm gettin' a .38, and I ain't gonna miss you, either.
Mel Cooley: Yuck.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Empress Carlotta's Necklace (#1.12)" (1961)
Buddy Sorrell: [Mel walks in] How do you like that? We're looking for a finish - here he is.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, maybe I'll buy some cufflinks for my wife, Pickles.
Sally Rogers: You buy cufflinks for your wife?
Buddy Sorrell: Sure, so she can give 'em to me for my birthday.
Sally Rogers: You always pick out your own birthday present?
Buddy Sorrell: No, I'm going to leave it up to HER warped opinion. Look what she picked for a husband.

[Mel's cousin, Max, offers to sell jewelry to the writing staff]
Maxwell Cooley: All of our prices are 30% BELOW store prices.
Mel Cooley: You see, Maxwell doesn't have any overhead.
Buddy Sorrell: [observing their bald heads as they lean in] Kind of runs in the family, don't it, Curly?

Mel Cooley: [to Max] Hey, look, I'll leave you here. I've got a lot of work to do.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Mel] Yeah, the wastepaper baskets are all filled.

Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, don't worry about our credit. Ask the hundreds of people we owe money to.

Buddy Sorrell: [heading off for lunch] Would you care to join me in a bowl of clam chowder?
Sally Rogers: Well, do you think there's room in there for two of us?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Three Letters from One Wife (#4.9)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: [referring to his documentary script] The thing is, everybody knows that Alan is a great comedian. I thought this'd give him a chance to be something different.
Buddy Sorrell: Sure, a flop.

Buddy Sorrell: He'll be taking bows so fast, people will think he backed into a spear.

Rob Petrie: I don't think I'm very smart.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, you're smart enough to know you're stupid.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you know something? Mel is so bald, the other day in the supermarket, a woman started squeezing his bald head to see if it was ripe.
Sally Rogers: What's that got to do with this?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, nothing. My mind wandered.

Buddy Sorrell: Rob, listen to me. Steal the mail.
Rob Petrie: I can't. It's dishonest.
Buddy Sorrell: So I'LL Steal it.
Rob Petrie: So it's still dishonest.
Buddy Sorrell: No, I'll be like Robin Hood. I'll rob from the rich and give to the Rob.

Rob Petrie: Wish me luck. I'm goin' to Alan's office.
Sally Rogers: Okay.
Buddy Sorrell: I'll go with ya. I'll wait in the hall and be your lookout.
Rob Petrie: Look, I'm not gonna steal the letters. I gonna tell Alan the truth.
Buddy Sorrell: I'll still go along.
Sally Rogers: Look, if he's gonna tell the truth, he doesn't need a lookout.
Buddy Sorrell: Sure, he does. I'll stand out there, and when Alan throws him out the window, I'll yell, "LOOKOUT!"

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Return of Happy Spangler (#1.30)" (1962)
Mel Cooley: Oh, Buddy'll never be a has-been. He'll always be a never-was.
Buddy Sorrell: Look who's talkin'. Been in the business twenty years, he's still a what-is-it.

Buddy Sorrell: Well, I don't know anything about Happy Spangler as a writer, but he certainly's gonna do more good for this company than... someone who shall remain hairless.

Mel Cooley: I've always felt we were understaffed. Rob, I don't see how you've done as well as you have with just you, Sally and a trained ape.
Buddy Sorrell: I didn't know you were trained.

Buddy Sorrell: [mockingly] Hey, Mel, you're not gonna meet a new employee like THAT? For Heaven's sake, comb your hair! Sally, loan him a sponge.

Mel Cooley: If you'll excuse me, Mr. Spangler, I have work to do.
Buddy Sorrell: Good luck emptying the ashtrays, skinhead.

[Rob asks Sally to bring Hap up-to-date on their latest script]
Sally Rogers: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Alan Brady Show." You're now up to date.
Rob Petrie: You mean that's all we've got?
Sally Rogers: Well, don't you remember we threw out the opening sketch?
Buddy Sorrell: HE threw it out. I still liked it. I don't know what was wrong.
Rob Petrie: Oh, Buddy, the thing was too long. It was in bad taste. It wasn't even funny.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, aside from that, what didn't you like?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Was a Teenage Head Writer (#2.19)" (1963)
[first lines]
Rob Petrie: But all we need is just one joke to finish the show. Come up with something, Buddy, and you can go home to your wife.
Buddy Sorrell: Go home to my wife? What kind of reward is that?

Rob Petrie: I usually don't say this, but I think that sketch is one of the funniest we've written in months.
Mel Cooley: Well, I'm sorry. It just didn't make me laugh.
Buddy Sorrell: That PROVES it's funny.

Rob Petrie: Look, Mel, as the head writer, I say it's a good script, and I'm sure Alan would agree with me, too.
Mel Cooley: I'm sorry, there's no use talking...
Rob Petrie: [interrupting] Mel, I could go over your head.
Buddy Sorrell: Watch it, Rob. It's slippery up there.

Sally Rogers: You don't wanna open a comedy show with jokes?
Rob Petrie: N-n-no.
Buddy Sorrell: Maybe we should open it with the Budapest String Quartet.

[Rob pulls out Buddy and Sally's submitted script]
Sally Rogers: Did Alan crumple this?
Buddy Sorrell: [examining the paper] Yup, that's Alan's crumple.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, hi ya, Mel. Hey, you've been worried about gettin' bald. I got good news for ya. You are NOT losing your hair.
Mel Cooley: I'm not?
Buddy Sorrell: [picking at his jacket] No, I just found it. Look, there's some here and here and...

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: All About Eavesdropping (#3.5)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Gee, what a beautiful ashtray!
Buddy Sorrell: Gorgeous, gorgeous!
Sally Rogers: Yes.
Laura Petrie: We gave them that ashtray. We gave them this lamp, too.
Rob Petrie: No special reason, just in friendship.
Laura Petrie: That's right.
Sally Rogers: [long, uncomfortable pause] BOY, this is a beautiful ashtray!

Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, let's play "Who Am I", huh? Who am I?
Rob Petrie: We gave you that vase, too.
Jerry Helper: I know, I know, thanks. Who am I?
Rob Petrie: You're not Eleanor Roosevelt, I'll tell you that for sure.
Jerry Helper: Come on. Who am I? Let's play. What do you say, Rob?
Millie Helper: [long, uncomfortable pause] Let's play charades!
Jerry Helper: Charades! Everybody loves charades! Hey, I got it. Laura, Rob and I, we'll be on one team, and Millie, Sally and Buddy, you're on the other.
Millie Helper: Charades all right, Rob? Laura?
Laura Petrie: It's your house.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You didn't give them the house?

Millie Helper: Whadda you think could be keeping Rob and Laura?
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, maybe they had a fist fight.
Sally Rogers: A fist fight? Rob and Laura?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: Worst thing they ever do is kiss hard.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, play The Minute Waltz.
Sally Rogers: I only know half of it.
Buddy Sorrell: Play it twice.

Buddy Sorrell: I know what's bothering them.
Sally Rogers, Jerry Helper: What?
Buddy Sorrell: They need on-the-spot relief from acid indigestion.

Buddy Sorrell: I haven't had laughs like this since the St. Valentine's Day massacre.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Jealousy! (#1.7)" (1961)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Believe me, Rob, as the producer, I'm sorry.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: We believe you, Curly. You're a sorry producer.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: It was the sketch. I knew Alan wouldn't like it. And when it comes to comedy, I have an unerring instinct.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's right, you got the instinct of a herring.

Rob Petrie: [after getting off the phone with Laura] I'd have never believed it.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What?
Rob Petrie: That sweet, lovable, understanding girl I married - she's turned into a... wife!

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I gotta call my wife before she gets ready to burn the dinner. Boy, you heard of pot roast - she makes roast pot. Hello, Pickles, honey? Yeah, it's me. Oh, boy, have I got a thrill for you. I'm not comin' home for dinner.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Miss Blake, our audience doesn't care how sleepy we get. We must give unstintingly of our strength and talent. Our work must come first. We must never allow our personal pleasures to interfere with our work. Now, if you'll excuse me, my wife and I have tickets for the theater tonight.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Goodbye, "We"!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Curious Thing About Women (#1.16)" (1962)
[Buddy and Sally try to think a philosophical statement for Alan Brady to say at the end of the upcoming show]
Sally Rogers: Hey! I got an idea for a line. My Aunt Agnes used to have a saying that went, uh, "If your heart is where the sky is bluest, then the sound of winter's twilight will be your friend."
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Your aunt said that?
Sally Rogers: Yeah... and every time I think of it, I want to cry.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Why?
Sally Rogers: Because I think my Aunt Agnes is a nut.

Sally Rogers: Hey, I got it! Don't anybody move!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What, what?
Sally Rogers: Ah, ya moved! I forgot it!

Rob Petrie: All right, you dirty little rat, where'd you put it?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: But Mommy, Mommy, you told me not to tell ya.
Rob Petrie: Don't do what I told you. Do what I tell ya!

Sally Rogers: What's a matter with fifteen?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Thirty-two's a funnier number.
Sally Rogers: Since when?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Thirty-two has ALWAYS been a funnier number! I hear thirty-two, I get hysterical! Watch.
[turns to Rob]
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Try me.
Rob Petrie: Thirty-two.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoooo!
Sally Rogers: Well, I gotta admit he's right.

Rob Petrie: Hey, I got it!
Sally Rogers: What? What?
Rob Petrie: Cut the hair.
Sally Rogers, Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [together] Cut the hair!
Rob Petrie: It's a boat!
Sally Rogers: A boat with hair?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Blonde-Haired Brunette (#1.2)" (1961)
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, whatever happened to all those perspective bridegrooms you used to have hangin' around here?
Sally Rogers: Oh, they're still around.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah?
Sally Rogers: There's Doubting Charlie, there's...
Buddy Sorrell: Doubting Charlie?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, he keeps proposing and I keep saying yes but he just won't BELIEVE me.

Sally Rogers: Don't you know our chief well enough by now? When he's sick, he works harder; when he broods, it's one of two things: one, he had a fight with Laura, or two, Laura had a fight with him.
Buddy Sorrell: True or false?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: True.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, what was the beef about?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I don't know. We didn't fight long enough for me to find out.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, one of those.
[mocking voice]
Buddy Sorrell: "And if you don't know..."
Buddy Sorrell, Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [in unison] "... I'm certainly not going to tell you!"

Buddy Sorrell: Have you insulted your mother-in-law lately?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: No, I love my mother-in-law. I'd never insult her.
Buddy Sorrell: That's just it. You're neglecting the old bat. You gotta insult 'em or they think you don't care.

[Rob's co-writers are trying to figure why Rob is depressed]
Buddy Sorrell: How about presents?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Presents?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, like for special occasions.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, like what?
Buddy Sorrell: Birthday, anniversary...
Sally Rogers: Uh, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day...
Buddy Sorrell: Bastille Day, Rosh Hashanah...
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, except for Bastille Day and Rosh Hashanah, I think I'm all squared away.

[Buddy and Sally are leaving the office after work]
Sally Rogers: Tally-ho!
Buddy Sorrell: Holy-tal!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I'm No Henry Walden (#2.26)" (1963)
[Mel prepares to bring in Henry Walden and Mrs. Huntington]
Mel Cooley: [excited] Now, uh, I'm gonna bring them in here, and I hope that...
Mel Cooley: [to Buddy] ... none of us does anything that would reflect on the show.
Sally Rogers: Oh, my. Am I reflecting? I must powder my nose.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Mel] Why don't you powder your head?
Mel Cooley: Yuck!

Sally Rogers: Isn't that funny? I just remembered I have to go home and wash my cat.
Buddy Sorrell: You washed your cat last night.
Sally Rogers: So I'll iron him.

Rob Petrie: Thank you very much but I know very little about the, uh, early history of American humor.
Buddy Sorrell: Don't look at me. I don't even know the name of Paul Revere's horse.
Sally Rogers: Chicken, son of Flicka.

Buddy Sorrell: What was the big punchline during the American revolution?
Henry Walden: "Let George do it!"

Henry Walden: I enjoy your work immensely.
Sally Rogers: You enjoy OUR work?
Henry Walden: Yes, I have for years.
Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute. You a poet or a politician?
Henry Walden: Oh, politician, eh? All right, let's see... Buddy Sorrell. Before Alan Brady, you wrote for The Billy Barrow Show, and before that, in early television, you were the very fine MC for an absolutely terrible program called Buddy's Band.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, wow! Memories!
Henry Walden: And, uh, Sally Rogers, you were on the staff of The Milton Berle Show. And before that...
Sally Rogers: Whoops! Before that I was a pom pom girl at Herbert Hoover High.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Big Max Calvada (#3.9)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: What is big and green and, um, has a big trunk?
Buddy Sorrell: An unripe elephant.

Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, I got a feeling this kid's the worst comic since the history of show business.
Sally Rogers: Wait a minute. Don't forget I saw YOU.
Buddy Sorrell: I'm willing to bet you ten bucks he's worse than I ever was.
Sally Rogers: I'll take that bet.
[They shake hands on it]
Kenny Dexter: [entering, imitating James Cagney] All right, you dirty rats, just gimme the jokes, because I got a rod in my pocket, see, and it's curtains for you. It's a curtain rod.
[Sally glumly plants a ten dollar bill in Buddy's hand]

Kenny Dexter: Well, people say I'm kind of a cross between Danny Kaye, Red Skelton and Sammy Davis Jr.
Buddy Sorrell: This kid don't need an act. He needs a large dressing room.

Kenny Dexter: Hey, you know, I'm glad you didn't write my act yet, see, 'cause I got some great ideas. Now, the way I see it, the act should open with a dark stage, then a drum roll - T-D-D-D-D-D-D - then the spotlight hits me, and there I am in my white tuxedo!
Buddy Sorrell: What a target!

[Nervously, Rob tries to discuss working for Max Calvada privately with Buddy and Sally while Max stands nearby very obviously listening to them]
Rob Petrie: [fearing for their lives] Hey, Sal, whadda you think?
Sally Rogers: Well, um, er, gosh, Rob. I-I-I don't know. What do you think, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, sh - sure. I agree with Rob.
Rob Petrie: Well, there's... uh, there's one thing we... another... that we got to consider is money, you know, because we already have a job.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, The Alan Brady Show.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, we... we've got an exclu... exclusive contract.
Sally Rogers: Yeah.
Rob Petrie: That's right.
Max Calvada: That could be worked out.
Rob Petrie: Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.
Sally Rogers: I think so.
Buddy Sorrell: I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.
Max Calvada: He knows ME.
Rob Petrie: And I suppose that, uh, Alan knows him, too.
Sally Rogers: Oh, sure.
Rob Petrie: Then there's the matter of money. We're gonna have to charge an awful lot of money.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: A fortune. Don't forget, there's three of us.
Buddy Sorrell: We get a lot of loot for three. Right.
Max Calvada: Money is no object.
Rob Petrie: I would imagine the money's probably no object.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Gunslinger (#5.31)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: I once rode with Brady.
Sally Rogers: When?
Rob Petrie: When I was a gunslinger.
Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger?
Rob Petrie: Yep.
Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger turned sheriff?
Rob Petrie: No, my last job was parson.
Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger turned parson?
Rob Petrie: No, when I quit being a gunslinger, I became a singer.
Sally Rogers: A slinger turned singer.
Rob Petrie: I hated all that violence, so I became a singer in a saloon.
Buddy Sorrell: A singin' parson!
Rob Petrie: No, parson came later. Folks didn't like my singin', so I became a dancer. Then a rancher.
Sally Rogers: A slinger-singer turned rancher-dancer.

Sally Rogers: So, why'd you swear to get 'im?
Rob Petrie: 'Cause I wanted to rid the west of everything that's mean and corrupt and ugly.
Buddy Sorrell: Then you better save one of them bullets for my wife.

Buddy Sorrell: That's Killer Cooley.
Mel Cooley: How could you tell with my hat on?
Buddy Sorrell: [patting Mel's belly] You forgot to cover the ponderosa.

Buddy Sorrell: Sheriff, you keep forgettin' you ain't got no guns.
Mel Cooley: A sheriff without guns?
Rob Petrie: When I quit bein' a gunslinger, I hung up my guns. I ain't wore 'em since.
Sally Rogers: You gave up gun fighting?
Rob Petrie: No, I forgot where I hung 'em.

Laura Petrie: [as Sheriff Rob lays shot] Somebody call the doctor.
Sally Rogers: All right, all right, all right.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!
Sally Rogers: [calling outside the saloon doors] Hey, Doc! Doc!
Buddy Sorrell: We don't have no doctor in this town. All we got's a dentist.
Sally Rogers: Hey, Dent! Dent!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Impractical Joke (#4.16)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Don't you know that wiretapping is illegal?
Phil Franklin: Ahh!
Buddy Sorrell: Well, if you don't turn us in, nobody'll know.

Buddy Sorrell: ...I got a treat for everybody.
Mel Cooley: Oh, you're going home?
Buddy Sorrell: Mel, I forgot you were here. Now we can play pin the tail on the donkey.

Sally Rogers: [to a guest] You want some chopped liver?
Buddy Sorrell: Sally, will you stop hostessing?
Sally Rogers: All right. I'm out of it.
Mel Cooley: I am, too.
[to Sally]
Mel Cooley: I'll eat your liver.

Buddy Sorrell: Come on, let's be fair. If I know something's coming, I'll worry, but if I don't know, I'll go nuts.
Rob Petrie: [smiling, with a smirk] Oh?
Sally Rogers: Congratulations! General Custer. You just sold some guns to the Indians.

Sally Rogers: Well, you just ruined my coffee.
Buddy Sorrell: And I don't think you're gonna be too choked up about what happened to your prune danish, either.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sally and the Lab Technician (#1.3)" (1961)
Delivery Boy: Ah, three coffees, here. One black, one regular and one triple-light with four sugars. Hey, how come, Buddy, you take four sugars?
Buddy Sorrell: Takes energy to write these jokes. I always use four sugars.
Delivery Boy: You better use five - the show ain't that funny.

Buddy Sorrell: [hearing Sally invited over to Rob's for dinner] Feels like there's a big party going on or somethin' tonight and I ain't invited. That's all right! I got plenty of friends! I got a date later to play solitaire.

Buddy Sorrell: As you kiddin'? I work my brains to the white meat around here!

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, where's Sally? Huh?
Rob Petrie: She may be a little late this morning. She worked very hard last night.
Buddy Sorrell: Whadda ya mean "she worked hard?"
Rob Petrie: Well, it isn't easy to carve up a hundred and fifty pound lab technician.

Sally Rogers: What's the matter with you two?
Buddy Sorrell: We're just tryin' to pep you up. You look like a cheerleader for an accident.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Word a Day (#1.20)" (1962)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [about the dirty word Ritchie said] I wish I knew where Ritch was picking that stuff up, and from whom.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [pointing to Buddy] When was the last time he was at your house?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Look, beach-head, I don't use bad language in front of children, but in your case, I'll make an exception.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Children can be a problem, can't they, Rob? At home *and* at the office.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: They sure can.

[Sally asks Buddy his opinion on a pair of new shows]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: All right, come on. Sit down.
Sally Rogers: Sit down?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, sit down. Cross your legs. I LIKE 'em!
Sally Rogers: You wouldn't kid me, would you?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Why should I kid ya? I always liked your legs.

[Still seeking Buddy's opinion on a pair of new shoes]
Sally Rogers: Buddy, you REALLY like these?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I really like 'em.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but do you love 'em?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I love 'em.
Sally Rogers: Better than the alligators?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Better than the alligators.
Sally Rogers: Ya sure?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I'm positive!
Sally Rogers: Good! I'll take the alligators.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, what d'ask ME for?
Sally Rogers: 'Cause I value you opinion.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You do?
Sally Rogers: Sure! Your taste is rotten!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Ritchie said a bad word.
Sally Rogers: Well, THAT we gathered.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, what was it? What'd he say?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Can't repeat it in mixed company.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I understand, Rob. Buddy, would you mind leaving the room?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: You know, nothing works like a little love and a little psychology.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: And a little rap in the mouth is pretty effective, too.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Two Showoffs and Me (#4.13)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Well, I thought you and Pickles were having guests tonight?
Buddy Sorrell: Nah. No guests. Just my mother-in-law and her sister.
Sally Rogers: Well, what do you consider them?
Buddy Sorrell: Invaders.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, Rob, tell me why you don't want us to have our name in a big, national magazine so we'll be famous and people'll give us free tickets to the movies, and we'll be able to get better seats in restaurants, and regular people and our relatives will give us a lot of respect. Tell me again why you don't want that.

[Mel enters]
Buddy Sorrell: Speaking of smoothly, here's old level-head.
Mel Cooley: [to Rob] Will you please tell Chicken Little he's wanted in the hen house?
Buddy Sorrell: "Chicken Little?" Hey, he's shaarp. This guy got a... a trigger brain - but I think the gun jammed.

Buddy Sorrell: Look, if it'll make you feel any better, under all this glamour I'm wearing torn underwear.

Rob Petrie: We'll do something completely different. We'll do something daring.
Buddy Sorrell: Something daring, huh? Maybe like that leopards sketch that you did last year? It laid a big bomb.
Sally Rogers: Oh, Buddy, it didn't lay such a BIG bomb.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, no? That week, Russia went to the UN and complained we were doing underground testing.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Scratch My Car and Die (#3.26)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you ever see one of those Tarantulas?
Sally Rogers: No.
Buddy Sorrell: They are built so close to the ground, if you wanna get in you gotta come up through a manhole.

Buddy Sorrell: You know what's wrong with bucket seats? Everybody got a different size bucket.

Buddy Sorrell: You let Laura drive your new bedbug?
Sally Rogers: Tarantella.
Rob Petrie: Tarantula.
Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Buddy Sorrell: [overhearing Rob] Beautiful, fast and quiet? Impossible! There's no such woman!
Buddy Sorrell: [to Sally] Hey, what's he talkin' about?
Sally Rogers: [gesturing to Rob] Fell in love with a Tarantula.
Buddy Sorrell: So what? I married one.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat (#4.4)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: [showing off his donation to charity] How do you like this?
Sally Rogers: A tuxedo?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: Look, Buddy, people is depressed countries don't go to formal banquets too often.
Buddy Sorrell: Now they can go.

Buddy Sorrell: You ripped a button; he ripped a pocket. Sound like a game - Pockabutton. I'd like to play but all I got's a zipper.

[Mel enters to collect clothing donations]
Mel Cooley: What have you got for me?
Buddy Sorrell: Hatred.

Mel Cooley: [to Rob] Oh, by the way, Alan wants to see you in his office right away. He needs some big jokes for the monologue.
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't YOU volunteer. You're the biggest joke around here.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, enough already.
Mel Cooley: No, no, let him go. Let him go. The-the more he says, the closer he comes to a cauliflower nose.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Do Not Choose to Run (#5.16)" (1966)
Buddy Sorrell: Aw, I'm jealous of everybody. I'm still sore at Cary Grant for gettin' all my girls.

Buddy Sorrell: Boy, you're a natural politician. You make no sense at all.

Sally Rogers: Hey, Rob, look, if you're lookin' for a good excuse for not running...
Rob Petrie: I'm not looking for an excuse.
Sally Rogers: ...I've got it.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, come on, what is it?
Sally Rogers: Tell 'em you're gettin' married.
Rob Petrie: I'm already married.
Sally Rogers: Right! Nobody likes a scandal.

Buddy Sorrell: Rob, you want my advice?
Rob Petrie: No.
Buddy Sorrell: Good decision. Now while you're in the mood, make another one.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who Owes Who What? (#1.18)" (1962)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Rob Petrie: Buddy!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Sally!
Sally Rogers: Mel!
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Rob Petrie: Sally!
Sally Rogers: Buddy!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Go ahead, Curly. It's your turn. Say "Rob."
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [applauding drolly, overlapping Sally's line] Beautiful.
Sally Rogers: [applauding drolly, overlapping Buddy's line] Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [looking around; to Rob] Well, I see our adult delinquent is late as usual.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [walking in, holding a purse] No, I'm not. I'm back. I was out shopping.
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob] Yes, he made an excellent purchase. His old purse was getting awfully shabby.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [handing Sally the purse] Here's your bag, Sally.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [to Mel] And remember this, Mr. Crew-Cut, we make the jokes around here. You're nothing but a... uh...
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [to Rob and Sally] Anybody find out what he is?

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: It may only be twenty-five cents to you, but to Marge, our switchboard girl, twenty-five is a quarter of a dollar.

Sally Rogers: You know this comedy sketch that Rob wrote? Gee, I don't know. It isn't like him. It isn't even funny.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I didn't help him with it. How could it be funny?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Body and Sol (#5.11)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: [to Sally] Who'd you meet at lunch?
Buddy Sorrell: [interjecting a name] Paul Tinkelman!
Sally Rogers: Who?
Buddy Sorrell: I guess you didn't meet him.

Sally Rogers: I met a very dear friend of yours, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Who?
Buddy Sorrell: Male or female?
Sally Rogers: Male. Very, very male.
Buddy Sorrell: Very, very male and he's married.
Sally Rogers: Yeah. How'd you know he was married?
Buddy Sorrell: Because if he was very, very male and very single, you'd still be eatin' lunch.

Rob Petrie: Everybody in the Army had to fight three fights.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, that's right. The Germans, the Japanese and the Italians.

Buddy Sorrell: Sally, you know somethin', you're too good a nag to be single.
Sally Rogers: Is that a compliment?
Buddy Sorrell: I hope not.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sleeping Brother (#1.27)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: [to Rob] "Symptomatic frustration" - what kind of talk is that for a comedy writer?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, you keep that up you wind up on a hospital show.

Mel Cooley: Rob, I just left Alan's office...
Buddy Sorrell: I wish you just left THIS one.

Buddy Sorrell: Ya say you want a little music? You're gonna get as little as possible.

Buddy Sorrell: [finishes playing his cello] And, folks, to think I only studied for five years in London, ten years in Paris and fifteen years in vain.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Third One from the Left (#3.14)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: One of my duties on this show is the sifting of talent.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, well, don't forget your pail and shovel.

Sally Rogers: Oh, hi, Rob. Your name just came up.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, I think your number's up, too. Mrs. Petrie Jr. was just in here looking for ya.

Rob Petrie: Well, there's nothing more for us to do around here. I guess we may go home to our loved ones.
Buddy Sorrell: Not me. I'm goin' home to my wife.

Rob Petrie: You know what Laura said to me last night?
Buddy Sorrell: Get out of the house.
Sally Rogers: She said Joanie is in love with you.
Rob Petrie: Hehe-heh, she said Joanie is in love... How did YOU know?
Sally Rogers: Figures. The kid's eighteen, you're an older man, you showed an interest in her...
Rob Petrie: I did not. I just suggested her for a part.
Sally Rogers: Rob, to a moony teenager, that's like a proposal of marriage.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I'd Rather Be Bald Than Have No Head at All (#3.31)" (1964)
[Alan has approved this week's script]
Sally Rogers: Oh, good, good, then who's the surprise guest.
Rob Petrie: Are you ready? Ricard Vincente.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I love him!
Buddy Sorrell: That's no surprise.
Rob Petrie: That's right. Half the women in the country love him.
Buddy Sorrell: [boasting] Well, I happen to know his secret.
Sally Rogers: You do? Why don't you use it?

Sally Rogers: [to Rob] Now, look, first of all, you're not going bald. And even if you were, a man doesn't become less attractive just because he's bald. Some men are MORE attractive.
Mel Cooley: [entering] Rob...
Buddy Sorrell: You just lost your argument.

Rob Petrie: [to Mel] When did you first, uh... first realize that, you know, you were... beginning to get bald?
Buddy Sorrell: When a near-sighted ostrich jumped on his head and tried to hatch it.

Buddy Sorrell: [helping Sally wind up a ball of yarn] Who you knittin' this for, King Kong?
Sally Rogers: I'm not knittin' anything.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, what is that?
Sally Rogers: It's a wool bowling ball. Can't stand noise.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is the Best One (#3.15)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: Good morning, staff.
Buddy Sorrell: Good morning, stiff.

Buddy Sorrell: [brainstorming for a funny idea to a saloon sketch] I got it. I got the joke. You ready? Alan comes in carrying a colt 45.
Sally Rogers: A gun?
Buddy Sorrell: No, a middle-aged horse.

Buddy Sorrell: [to Mel] What do YOU know about charm? You got all the charm of a sticky doorknob.

Rob Petrie: That's a wonderful joke, Buddy.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh? Well, would you mind signing this?
Rob Petrie: What for?
Buddy Sorrell: It's a receipt for the joke in case anybody asks me what I do around here.
Sally Rogers: Oh, Buddy! Making him sign a receipt. I think that's terrible.
Rob Petrie: Thanks, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Anything we write, we'll just type our initials to it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Masterpiece (#3.2)" (1963)
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, Rob, you better watch your wife. If she's like my wife, Pickles, she buys all kinds of junk and never uses it.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I don't know. Last time she came home with a beautiful rocker.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. She's been off it ever since.

Buddy Sorrell: What is it?
Rob Petrie: It's a hookah. You know, Turkish water pipe.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Buddy Sorrell: Looks like a seltzer bottle with a thyroid condition.

Rob Petrie: I could... I could kick myself.
Buddy Sorrell: Don't do it. The guy'll think you're bidding.

Mr. Holdecker: Mr. Petrie, one does not attack a painting. One approaches it as he would a woman. Is she beautiful? Does she have a heart? Does she have a soul? These are not judgments you make in an instant.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, he's right. You could look at my wife for a whole year and not see ONE of those things.
Mr. Holdecker: [disdainfully] Yes.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: You're Under Arrest (#5.13)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Why'd the police call?
Rob Petrie: Well, I think they called because I knocked over a couple of garbage cans.
Buddy Sorrell: Should have knocked over a bank. There's no money in garbage.

Sally Rogers: They said that you hit an old lady? Oh, come on. That's ridiculous!
Rob Petrie: Well, boy, someone who drives a car with my license number did.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you drive one of those.

Buddy Sorrell: [about the police] Those guys don't chat with you, boy, they grill ya, and when they get through grilling, you're cooked.

Rob Petrie: Why are you trying to put me behind bars?
Buddy Sorrell: I'm a public-spirited citizen.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Anthony Stone (#4.26)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: [making a joke] I come in a couple times a week to empty the garbage.
Anthony Stone: [taking him seriously] Somebody has to.

Buddy Sorrell: Surprise? Boy, she'll drop her teeth when she sees...

Rob Petrie: Uh, very nice to meet you, Tony.
Anthony Stone: Of course.
Buddy Sorrell: "Of course?"

Buddy Sorrell: You know, love makes you do crazy things. Made me get married.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Happy Birthday and Too Many More (#3.19)" (1964)
[Buddy, Sally and Rob try to devise a game show sketch for Alan Brady]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, I got the game show! It-it's like "What's My Line?" only it's called "What Was This Fellow's Name Before He Changed It To What It Is Now, And Why Did He Change It, Do You Think?"
Sally Rogers: Is that the title or the whole show?
Buddy Sorrell: No, that's the idea of the thing. They bring a fellow in, they say "This man manufactures golf sweaters, and he calls him..." - you know, if he likes it - so "he calls himself Sam Golfsweater," cause he wants everyone to know he makes golf sweaters."
Sally Rogers: All right, what was his name before he changed it?
Buddy Sorrell: Al Paca!
Sally Rogers: Get outta here.
Buddy Sorrell: No, no...
Sally Rogers: BUDDY!
Buddy Sorrell: You'll like it. It'll grown on you.
Sally Rogers: I don't want anything to grow on me!
Buddy Sorrell: One-one-one more. One more. A girl lives in Pennsylvania, and she's so proud of her home state, she calls herself Patricia Pittsburgh.
Sally Rogers, Rob Petrie: [together, with threatening fists] What was her name before she changed it?
Buddy Sorrell: Phyllis Adelphia.
Sally Rogers: [chasing him to the sofa] Ohh, Buddy!

Laura Petrie: Well, I guess I'll go in and start cleaning up now.
Sally Rogers: Uh... you want some help?
Laura Petrie: Oh, I'd love some.
Buddy Sorrell: Put an ad in the paper.

Buddy Sorrell: You know somethin'? We could never get my potatoes to race, and we used to whip 'em till the eyes would water.

Sally Rogers: Rob, do you know that my cousin spent fifty bucks for a clown for a kid's birthday?
Buddy Sorrell: You're kiddin'? We didn't even have a clown at my wedding.
Sally Rogers: But sure you did. YOU were there.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It Wouldn't Hurt Them to Give Us a Raise (#4.11)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, to you, all the world's a sketch and all the men and women live on Flugel Street.

Buddy Sorrell: We do all the work and the desert rat gets the gravy.

Mel Cooley: Well, well, what's bothering Smokey the Bore?
Buddy Sorrell: "Smokey the Boar" - hey, not bad for a self-taught incompetent.

Buddy Sorrell: [upon hearing of a 15% raise] Boy, that's... that's great. Why didn't you tell us last night?
Rob Petrie: Well, there's a little more.
Buddy Sorrell: A little more than 15%?
Rob Petrie: No.
Sally Rogers: You mean we split 15%?
Rob Petrie: No, no.
Buddy Sorrell: Seven and a half percent?
Rob Petrie: No.
Sally Rogers: 3%.
Rob Petrie: No, it's 15% raise.
Buddy Sorrell: It's there, but nobody got it. It's a treasure hunt.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Never Name a Duck (#2.1)" (1962)
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [upon Mel entering] Hey, look who's here - Genie with the light brown scalp!
[observing Mel's box of props]
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: NOW I know what a producer does - delivers the garbage.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [looking through a box full of old toys] Hey, here's something for Ritchie: a bathtub toy with a plastic fish in it.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I think Ritchie's a little too old for plastic fish.
Sally Rogers: [taking the toy] I'll take it.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I don't want to be personal, but aren't you old enough to bathe with real fish?
Sally Rogers: It's not for me, it's for Mr. Henderson, my cat.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Your cat eats plastic fish?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie, Sally Rogers: [in unison] It's a plastic cat.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [looking through a box full of old toys; pulling out a huge teddy bear] I'll take it for my wife. She can use it for a pin cushion.
Sally Rogers: It's a pretty big pin cushion.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: She got big pins.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Ahh, every bone in my brain aches.
Sally Rogers: Hey, you know what's good for that?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What?
Sally Rogers: When you get hone, get a bucket of warm water and soak your head for twenty minutes.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Thanks a lot - I'd down.
Sally Rogers: Do you wanna get rid of the headache or not?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Very Old Shoes, Very Old Rice (#3.4)" (1963)
Mel Cooley: Rob, may I disturb you for a minute?
Buddy Sorrell: A minute with you disturbs me for a month.

Mel Cooley: Now, Sally, you know Alan insists that the heads of his creative staff be at all those meetings.
Buddy Sorrell: How come he lets YOU in? Your head isn't creative enough to grow hair.

Mel Cooley: Uh, if you want me, you'll know where to find me.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, are you going back under that rock?

Sally Rogers: Hey, Rob, look, if you're not gonna tell us what you're gonna do tomorrow, tell us anything, even if ya have to lie.
Rob Petrie: All right. I'll tell you the truth, but I just hope both of you aren't hurt because you weren't invited.
Buddy Sorrell: What? Where?
Sally Rogers: Invited to what?
Rob Petrie: Well, tomorrow morning, Laura and I are gonna get all dressed up, and we're going to drive up to... uh, the Bronx Zoo.
Buddy Sorrell: The Bronx Zoo?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, they've... they've got a 40-foot boa constrictor wrapped around a telephone pole, and some of the more prominent citizens have been invited to the unwinding.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: There's No Sale Like Wholesale (#4.32)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Last year I was so embarrassed. My cat gave me a better present than I gave him.
Buddy Sorrell: How could that be?
Sally Rogers: I bought him a cheap leather collar and he gave me a beautiful dead mouse.

Rob Petrie: Did I act too good?
Buddy Sorrell: Don't ask me. I'm still workin' on why the belly is the worst part.

Buddy Sorrell: Nobody questions my influence. The name of Tony Morello is good all over this town.

Buddy Sorrell: Sally, ya happy?
Sally Rogers: Why should I be happy. I didn't get a coat.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Viva Petrie (#5.9)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: [recalling his former maid Maria] We wanted a lady one day a week, and she moved in like she was gonna live there the rest of her life.
Buddy Sorrell: That's exactly how I got my wife, Pickles.

Sally Rogers: I think he just fired himself.
Buddy Sorrell: And he ain't even loaded.

Buddy Sorrell: Looks like a perfect fit.
Sally Rogers: What FIT? It's a convulsion.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Brother, Can You Spare $2500? (#4.15)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: [as Mel enters] Hey, speaking of nothing, look who's here.

Rob Petrie: When Mel comes in here, I want to take the blame.
Buddy Sorrell: No, no, come on, come on. We'll ALL take the blame. We'll... we'll each take fifty percent of the blame.
Sally Rogers: That's three halves there.
Buddy Sorrell: So forget my half.

Mel Cooley: [seeing a bum leave the office] Who was THAT?
Buddy Sorrell: Mel, that's you in two years.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Buddy, Can You Spare a Job? (#1.14)" (1961)
Sally Rogers: [to Buddy] Well, it's just like my mother always says: The sun isn't always shining just because there are sparrows.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: What's that supposed to mean?
Sally Rogers: I don't know, but ain't it pretty?

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [on releasing Buddy from his contract with "The Alan Brady Show"] Buddy, I cherish this moment. Never in my entire life have I been happier to say goodbye to anyone. Goodbye forever.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Mel, in the... many years of our association, I know I've said a lot of unkind things about your bald head. And... I'm sorry I didn't mention the rest of your ugly puss.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: One last yecch!

[Rob begins dictating a fraudulent letter of dis-recommendation to get Buddy fired by Alan Brady]
Rob Petrie: Dear Mel: There's a situation concerning the writing staff which I believe merits your attention.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Wait a minute, you're too polite! D-d... You gotta louse me up more!
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Yes. What you need is some good honest hatred. I'll dictate it: During the past season, Buddy Sorrel has not contributed one idea, joke or fresh thought.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Beautiful. Hey, Sal, tell 'im about how I lay, you now, sleep on the couch all day, that I'm always comin' in late and everything, you know.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [continuing] He has been distracting Sally Rogers and myself, and what was once a serviceable talent has deteriorated into an office clown.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Wonderful! Curly, if I ever want to get sent to the chair, you're gonna be my lawyer.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Like a Sister (#2.8)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, I can't wait'll I get home. Pickles is fixin' my favorite tonight - canned soup.

Rob Petrie: Look, all Mel said was there's a change in the show. Maybe the charge'll make you happy.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah? The only charge'd make ME happy 'ould be the firing of all hairless producers that look like potbellied penguins.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, would ya... would ya save the insults, please?
Buddy Sorrell: What for? He's here now.

Buddy Sorrell: [suggestively] Heeeey... Dootle-lee dootle-lee do do do.
Rob Petrie: What do you mean dootle-lee dootle-lee do do do?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Redcoats Are Coming (#4.20)" (1965)
[first lines]
[Rob, Sally, and Buddy escape into a rehearsal room, while being pursued by a mob of screaming teenaged girls]
Rob Petrie: [successfully diverting the throng by yelling] The Redcoats have gone backstage!
[the girls run off]
Buddy Sorrell: Oh boy!
Rob Petrie: Do you think the Redcoat craze is just a publicity stunt?
Buddy Sorrell: I haven't heard screaming like this since I told my wife my mother was comin' for a visit.

Buddy Sorrell: Boy, if I had funny hair like that and no talent, I could have made a million.
Sally Rogers: Yeah? You do, you don't, and you didn't, so shut up.

[as the manager exits, he reminds Mel to talk to Rob]
Rob Petrie: What are you supposed to talk to me about?
Mel Cooley: Oh, well, it's, uh, private, Rob.
Buddy Sorrell: Private? I know. He wants to steal their hair, and he wants you to drive the getaway car.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Surprise Surprise Is a Surprise (#2.30)" (1963)
Mel Cooley: Did you want to see me Rob? I've only got a second.
Buddy Sorrell: A second with you is like a year with an ugly mob.

Buddy Sorrell: My mother-in-law is spending the month with us for a couple days.

Sally Rogers: Rob, if she were planning a surprise party, she certainly wouldn't let you hear her inviting everybody.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, and she wouldn't have you invitin' Mel.
Rob Petrie: No, that's just exactly what she WOULD do. You see, what she's doing, in chess, is called the double-reverse half-truth check-your-mate gamble. I'm gonna play right along with her and let her check her mate, that's all.
Sally Rogers: Well, you may be right, Sebastian, but I think she's employing the old I-planned-to-give-him-a-surprise-party-but-the-rat-found-out-about-it-so-I-changed-my-plans bit.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, I don't know which one of you guys is right, but there's a free meal in there some place and I'M GOIN'.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: What's in a Middle Name? (#2.7)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Alan is furious. He threw a cigar at Mel's head.
Buddy Sorrell: [gesturing to Mel's bald pate] Yeah, and it was lit. You can see it burned out the whole forest.

[the staff learns Laura and Rob will be having a baby]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey-hey-hey, what are you going to call the kid?
Mel Cooley: Well, since he'll be born while you're working on The Alan Brady Show, why don't you consider - Alan?
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't you consider playing in the traffic?

Buddy Sorrell: I've got the name! I've got the name for the kid!
Sally Rogers: What?
Buddy Sorrell: Ya ready?
Sally Rogers: Yeah.
Buddy Sorrell: Exit.
Sally Rogers: Exit?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah! If the kid grows up to be an actor, he'll have his name in every theater in the country.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Part-Time Wife (#3.22)" (1964)
[Rob and Buddy continue to search for a typist]
Buddy Sorrell: So far we've had a giggler, a gum-popper and a girdle-snapper.
Rob Petrie: Do you know where we can find a typist that doesn't snap, giggle or pop?

[In trying to find the perfect girl to help Buddy and Rob at the office, Sally telephones Laura]
Sally Rogers: Oh, now, wait a minute, Rob. She didn't know I was gonna do this.
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah? How come she answered the phone, then?
Buddy Sorrell: Maybe it rang.

Rob Petrie: You're not suppose to give reviews. You're supposed to type.
Laura Petrie: But Buddy thought it was funny. Didn't you, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Don't get me in the middle of husband-and-wife arguments.
Rob Petrie: What? This is not a husband-and-wife argument. This is boss and employee.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, then I'm sorry, I gotta go with the employee.
Rob Petrie: Well, I just don't agree with you, Buddy. I think it's not funny!
Laura Petrie: Rob, I think you're being kind of childish.
Rob Petrie: I am not being childish.
Buddy Sorrell: Yes, you are. You're being childish.
Rob Petrie: Uh, Buddy, this is between my wife and me, please.
Laura Petrie: Rob, what is the matter with you?
Rob Petrie: Nothing is the matter with me!
Buddy Sorrell: Nothing? You're acting like you got a wasp in your underwear. Gee, all she did was offer some constructive criticism.
Rob Petrie: Which was unsolicited.
Laura Petrie: Ah, it was NOT unsolicited!
Rob Petrie: Did... did you hear me ask her her opinion?
[Buddy gestures that he's staying out of it]
Rob Petrie: Look, it's not boss-employee, it's not husband-and-wife. Just as a bystander there, did you hear me ask her for her opinion?
Buddy Sorrell: All right, you didn't ask her.
Rob Petrie: There, you see?
Laura Petrie: All right. You don't have to yell.
Rob Petrie: I'm not yelling!
Buddy Sorrell: Yes, you are. You're yelling.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, this is a family affair that doesn't concern you.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Rob and Laura] Look, will you excuse me while I go out and get a glass of beer. I hate crowds and the four of you are driving me nuts!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: How to Spank a Star (#3.24)" (1964)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: I wish I could hide.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Hey, quick, grow some hair.

[Mel enters]
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: There he is, folks, the poor man's nobody.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: I'm about at my wit's end!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Well, that's a short trip.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Boy #1, Boy #2 (#4.19)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: [suggesting a line] "Drive the Tarantula 8 and see what the well-dressed pedestrian will be dodging next year."
Rob Petrie: That's good except I don't think Ritchie would say a thing like that.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, why not?
Rob Petrie: Well, an eight-year-old mind wouldn't come up with something that clever.
Sally Rogers: [indicating Buddy] Oh, I don't know. His eight-year-old mind thought of it.

Sally Rogers: Look, if I thought you were gonna use relatives on the show, I'd have made a pitch for my cat.
Buddy Sorrell: Your cat? Well, he's a nice-lookin' cat but he's no Cary Grant.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but could Cary Grant catch mice?
Buddy Sorrell: [giving it a thought] I think so.

Sally Rogers: How do you like directing, Mel.
Mel Cooley: Well, if things weren't so hectic I might say I'd found my niche.
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't you scratch it.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Jilting the Jilter (#2.31)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Rob, I wanna thank you for introducing me to the sweetest, most honest guy I've ever met.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Rob] I thought you told me you introduced her to Freddy White.
Rob Petrie: I did.

Buddy Sorrell: I'll always hold a special place in my heart for the guy who introduced me to Pickles. Every time I get heartburn, I think of him.

Sally Rogers: Now, you know what they say about the love of a good woman.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, it keeps you from bowling on Thursday night.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bank Book 6565696 (#2.4)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: For years, my wife kept throwing quarters into a cookie jar. Drove me nuts! Finally, I found out what she was saving for.
Rob Petrie: What was it?
Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers: [in unison] Cookies!

Sally Rogers: Come on, Buddy, let's go for coffee.
Buddy Sorrell: No, I wanna stay. I never saw a real holdup before.
Sally Rogers: [to Rob and Laura] See ya later.
Buddy Sorrell: [likewise] Be back in a few dollars!

[Buddy and Sally denote Rob's preoccupation over Laura's secret bank book]
Rob Petrie: You know, you guys are jokin' but there's one aspect of this whole silly thing that intrigues me.
Sally Rogers: You mean the... the fact that Laura's keeping a secret from you?
Rob Petrie: No, that doesn't bother me. It's just the fact that she's keeping it a secret from me. THAT bothers me.
Buddy Sorrell: [testing the depths of Rob's preoccupation] Doesn't the fact that she's keeping it a secret bother ya?
Rob Petrie: No, I don't worry about things like that.
Sally Rogers: If I were you, I'd worry about my hearing, Fred.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Where You Been, Fassbinder? (#1.25)" (1962)
Mel Cooley: Good morning.
Buddy Sorrell: It was till YOU got here.
Mel Cooley: Rob, I don't like coming here and having insults thrown at me.
Buddy Sorrell: Stay home; I'll phone 'em over to you.
Mel Cooley: [to Buddy] Look, I'm getting fed up...!
Buddy Sorrell: Pretty obvious, fatso. What time's the balloon go up?

[the gang gathers for Sally's surprise birthday party]
Pickles Sorrell: What're you gonna give her, Laura?
Laura Petrie: Well, I got her some perfume.
Buddy Sorrell: Perfume for Sally?
Laura Petrie: Mm-hm.
Rob Petrie: What's a matter with that?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, nothin' except it'll make my snakes look cheep.

Rob Petrie: Boy, it's gettin' late. Mel said he'd meet us as soon as he got outta the barber shop.
Buddy Sorrell: Baldy in a barber shop? What's he doing, reminiscing?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Forty-Four Tickets (#1.11)" (1961)
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [seeing Mel] Hey, look who's here: Friar Tuck!

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [sarcastically appraising a lame sketch idea] It's a riot.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: How would you know, Curly?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob] Will you please tell this person that I was not hired for this job to be the butt of his jokes?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Hey, whose jokes were you hired to be the butt of?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Buddy] Yecch!

Rob Petrie: [to his coworkers about his PTA dilemma] Any ideas, you guys?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah...
[snaps fingers]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I got it! I got an idea!
Sally Rogers: Beginner's luck.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Don't make jokes. This is on the level, this'll solve the whole problem for you. You get the whole neighborhood together, put 'em on a chartered bus and drive 'em down to the studio.
Rob Petrie: How does that solve the problem?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Easy, you get a drunken bus driver and he crashes into a lamppost.
Sally Rogers: I got a better idea: get a sober driver, have him hijack the bus and fly it out of the country.
Rob Petrie: Thanks a lot, you guys, you've been a big help. I'm desperate and you're making jokes.
Sally Rogers: Oh, come on, Rob, it's only the PTA.
Rob Petrie: Only the PTA? You know what the PTA stands for? Three things that I respect - and fear: parents, teachers and associations!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Great Petrie Fortune (#5.7)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Buddy, a numismatist is a coin expert.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh. Well, these are old coins. Get an oldmismatist.

Mr. Harlow: [checking through old coins] Of course we all know about the nickel. Yes, it's a buffalo on one side and an Indian head on the other.
Buddy Sorrell: I got one here that's just the opposite.
Mr. Harlow: You have a very rare sense of humor.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, and they haven't found a cure for it yet, either.

[Everybody looks through old coins for a buffalo on a plain rather than on a mound, with no luck]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, I got one.
Rob Petrie: There's a buffalo on a... on a plain?
Buddy Sorrell: No, the plane left. He's on a bus.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Odd But True (#5.8)" (1965)
Mel Cooley: Mother Nature never shocks me.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, it sure must have shocked your father and mother.

Buddy Sorrell: [getting his portion of a donut] You got the big piece.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but you got most of the jelly.
Buddy Sorrell: I didn't but jelly donuts.
Sally Rogers: Uh-oh. Ugh.
Buddy Sorrell: Maybe I oughta change bakeries.
Sally Rogers: I think you better, yeah.

Rob Petrie: [in regards to submitting his back to Odd But True] You guys think I ought to do this?
Buddy Sorrell: Gee, I'd do it, but my wife, Pickles, is kind of odd, but she's too odd to be true.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Alan Brady Show Presents (#3.13)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Someone's kickin' at the door.
Buddy Sorrell: Either that or the termites are takin' dancin' lessons.

Mel Cooley: What is it that everyone says The Alan Brady Show lacks?
Buddy Sorrell: A good producer.

Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm playin' a cello solo. What is this?
Sally Rogers: Well, I'm gonna accompany you.
Buddy Sorrell: I don't need any accompaniment.
Sally Rogers: Why not? Jascha Heifetz has a whole symphony behind him.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. He's afraid to play alone! Not me.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Washington vs. the Bunny (#1.4)" (1961)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I did not come here to get insulted.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Oh? Where do you usually go to get insulted? I'll go anyplace!

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob] Well, there's a young girl singer making her debut on a local Washington station tomorrow, and Alan would like you to go there and do some talent scouting.
Rob Petrie: Sure, I'd love to go.
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Ah, fine.
Rob Petrie: Hey, wait a minute, tomorrow morning is bad for me. How about the next day?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Oh, I'm afraid not. No, every TV station in town is gonna be sending a... a scout down there, and we don't want them to beat us to the punch.
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah. How about letting Buddy go?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah, how about letting Buddy go?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: We want an opinion we can respect.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Rob Petrie: No, not at all, Mel.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Speak for yourself, Rob. I can't even drink coffee with Goldilocks around; curdles the cream.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Racy Tracy Rattigan (#2.27)" (1963)
Buddy Sorrell: Oh-ho, what's bothering YOU?
Sally Rogers: The sudden realization that my boyfriend, Herman Glimscher, is the only man in America who takes a girl to a drive-in to actually watch the picture.

Rob Petrie: What do you suppose is keeping Sally?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, I dunno. I guess it takes a long time to take off fifteen pounds.

Mel Cooley: Tracy, you're in good hands now and I'll leave. If there's anything you want, just call me.
Buddy Sorrell: I'll tell you what to call him.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Life and Love of Joe Coogan (#3.17)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: Come on, Mel, I'll drive you home.
Mel Cooley: I brought my own car.
Buddy Sorrell: Then drive ME home. I took a bus.
Mel Cooley: [indicating his bald head] All right. No cracks about, uh...
Buddy Sorrell: I... I never make remarks about anybody who's driving a car that contains my body.
Mel Cooley: Can I make sure of that?
Buddy Sorrell: Ask any bald-headed cab driver in New York.

Sally Rogers: What's he look like?
Rob Petrie: Oh, he's a cross between Gregory Peck and Stewart Granger.
Sally Rogers: Hey, that ain't too bad. What's his name?
Buddy Sorrell: Stewart Peck.

Buddy Sorrell: I had an aunt, waited so long for her ship to come in, her pier collapsed.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Bad Old Days (#1.28)" (1962)
[Sally prepares to cut Buddy's hair]
Buddy Sorrell: Are you sure you know what you're doin'?
Sally Rogers: Oh, of course I know what I'm doin'. Givin' haircuts to a lot of people.
Buddy Sorrell: Name one
Sally Rogers: Yul Brenner. Hey, Buddy, y'got an awful lot of hair back here. Which one you want cut?

Buddy Sorrell: This husband and wife stuff - whadda YOU think?
Sally Rogers: Oh, I'm on Rob's side. I think he's the kind of a husband every woman wants.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, 'cause as a hen you realize he's easy to peck.

Rob Petrie: If I had a nickel for every time I said no to my wife, today...
Buddy Sorrell: You'd have change for a dime.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who Stole My Watch (#5.15)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Well, I'm sorry, Buddy. The minute I missed my watch, I thought of you.
Buddy Sorrell: That's funny. The minute I miss my bus, I don't think of YOU.

Rob Petrie: Yeah, we can't find it. We turned that house inside out.
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, I hope it don't rain.

[Mel exits]
Sally Rogers: Boy, is he mad.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, his scalp was standing on end.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sick Boy and the Sitter (#1.1)" (1961)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, as the producer of this show, once more I must insist that you instruct your staff to show me a little respect.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: We're showing you as little respect as possible.

Rob Petrie: I don't think we outta end this week's show with a joke. I'd like Alan to come out and say something with meaning.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah? What kind of meaning?
Rob Petrie: I wrote down a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What show's he write for?

[Mel invites the writing staff to their boss's party]
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob, indicating Buddy] What about HIM?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: HIM will be there with bells on. If it's cold, I'll wear something warmer.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: 4½ (#4.7)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: Alan does a lot of charity work.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, THAT'S how you got your job.

[Rob describes Lyle Delp's role in prison]
Mel Cooley: You... you mean he's a convict?
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, if he ain't, he got the worst taste in clothes I ever saw.

Mel Cooley: Well, I've got plenty of time. My desk is clear.
Buddy Sorrell: So's your head.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Where Did I Come From? (#1.15)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: [to Sally] You get a load of these clothes?
Buddy Sorrell: [to Rob] You look like the best-dressed man at the city dump.

Mel Cooley: Look... Look... I hate to interrupt all this...
Buddy Sorrell: Then get out of here.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: See Rob Write, Write Rob Write (#5.12)" (1965)
[to get Sally and Buddy's unbiased opinion, Rob reads the stories he and Laura wrote without saying who wrote which. After reading the first story, he begins the second]
Rob Petrie: All right. Now this is story B.
Buddy Sorrell: What a wonderful title.

Rob Petrie: [to Sally] Well, yep, it's your... You're entitled to your opinion. It's okay.
Rob Petrie: [to Buddy] Buddy, what a... what about you?
Buddy Sorrell: I'm entitled to her opinion, too.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Girls Will Be Boys (#4.23)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, I'd sure like to help you, Rob, but every time I think about that little girl beatin' up your kid, breaks me up.
Sally Rogers: Breaks you up, eh, that a little girl can beat up a little boy?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: Kind of sense of humor is that?
Buddy Sorrell: Perverted.

Buddy Sorrell: Gee, when I was a little boy, there was one girl beatin' me up all the time.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Really?
Buddy Sorrell: My mother.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Death of the Party (#4.12)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: Listen, go ahead and laugh at my chicken soup. They laughed at Louis Pasteur, but he went right ahead and invented milk.

Rob Petrie: How can I get rid of a 24-hour virus before I get home?
Buddy Sorrell: Don't go home for twenty-four hours.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Ray Murdock's X-Ray (#2.18)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: [coming out from behind a curtain with Buddy] Rob. We were watching the show in the control room. I hope you don't mind.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, where do we send the flowers?
Rob Petrie: You saw that fiasco?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. Maybe you better sleep at my house for a couple of years.

Rob Petrie: If she sees this show, my wife is never gonna speak to me again.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah? Hey, how can I get on that show?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Return of Edwin Carp (#3.27)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: What's the one thing that's never been done on television?
Buddy Sorrell: You can't do that on television.

Mel Cooley: Rob, I've got Arlene Harris locked up.
Sally Rogers: You got her locked up?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, let her out. We need her on the show.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Too Many Stars (#3.6)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Hey, come on, fellas, whadda you say we get to work, huh? I got a very important if-date.
Buddy Sorrell: An if-date?
Sally Rogers: Yeah. If he shows up and if he asks me, I got a date.

Rob Petrie: I don't want any more of those sketches about Alan wakin' up in the morning and finding a Saint Bernard in his bed.
Buddy Sorrell: That's the truth. It happened to me.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, you never had a Saint Bernard in your bed.
Buddy Sorrell: No? Did you ever see my wife in the morning? I keep yellin' at her, "Take off that ridiculous cask of brandy!"

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is Not a Drunk (#2.6)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: What, he's still drunk!
Buddy Sorrell: Either that or somebody stole his bones!

Laura Petrie: Okay, what say we eat first and then get hypnotized?
Jerry Helper: Good.
Millie Helper: Eat first?
Laura Petrie: Sure, we always do it that way.
Buddy Sorrell: Not with my wife's cookin'. Better you should be hypnotized first.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Coast to Coast Big Mouth (#5.1)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: What is long and yellow and seldom rings?
Buddy Sorrell: An unlisted banana.

Rob Petrie: Has any man ever lost his job because of his wife?
Buddy Sorrell: What was the name of Marie Antoinette's husband, the guy with no head?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Square Triangle (#2.25)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Well, look, Jacques, why don't you tell Rob and Laura the truth and make them both happy?
Jacques Savon: No, I think it will make them miserable.
Buddy Sorrell: You mean you're not gonna tell 'em?
Jacques Savon: Nope.
Buddy Sorrell: But... Well, why not?
Jacques Savon: Well, uh-h-h, Laura is a happily married woman - but, uh, she is a woman, and every woman has some, uh, secret memory, a memory that keeps her heart young and her soul warm on cold nights. Is it so?
Sally Rogers: It is so.
Jacques Savon: And I, uh, being a man...
Sally Rogers: Oh, I'll buy that.
Jacques Savon: I know that men need their illusions, too, and no man would like to discover that the, uh, attention that a beautiful woman once gave him was just the same attention she gave with every man. Right, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, don't... don't take away my dreams. After all, the government took everything else.

Millie Helper: [hearing Jacques Savon will be on this week's show] Sally, what's he like?
Sally Rogers: What's he like? Well, he's, uh... buh...
Buddy Sorrell: Well, he's... he's taller and handsomer than I am, but don't forget I'm, uh, shorter and dumpier.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Unwelcome Houseguest (#1.9)" (1961)
Buddy Sorrell: Well, my wife Pickles and me, we want to go to Niagra Falls on a little honeymoon.
Sally Rogers: Honeymoon?
Rob Petrie: Honeymoon? You've been married for ten years, Buddy. You're just going on a honeymoon?
Buddy Sorrell: We wanted to see how things'd work out before we spent the money.

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, what kind o' name is that for a cat - Mr. Henderson?
Sally Rogers: Oh, I wouldn't throw stones if I were you, Buddy, not with a dog named Larry and a wife namd Pickles.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Buddy Sorrell Man and Boy (#5.22)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Boy, you're pretty perky. You must have got a good night's sleep, huh?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, slept like a log. I must've. I woke up this morning, I was in the fireplace.

Buddy Sorrell: You know what's the matter with you guys? You laugh faster than the speed of sound.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Father of the Week (#1.22)" (1962)
[while on the phone with Laura, Rob and his staff try to reschedule Rob some time away from the office the following day]
Sally Rogers: Way can't we have tomorrow's meeting today?
Rob Petrie: Good idea.
Buddy Sorrell: We can't. We're having yesterday's meeting today.
Sally Rogers: Rob, why can't we have tomorrow's meeting yesterday and yesterday's meeting the day after tomorrow?
Rob Petrie: That's possible.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone to Laura] Look, honey...
Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute. We can't.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone to Laura] Hold it, honey.
Sally Rogers: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: 'Cause I get my hair cut on Friday.
Sally Rogers: Why can't you get your hair cut on Thursday?
Buddy Sorrell: I GROW it on Thursday.

Rob Petrie: [on the phone to Laura] Honey, look, tell him we'll arrange it somehow, even if I have to cut Buddy's hair personally.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, no you don't. Nobody cuts my hair but my gardener.
Sally Rogers: Gardener? No wonder his head looks like crabgrass.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Making of a Councilman (#5.17)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: He knows more about The Alan Brady Show than I know. Did you know that our show is number one in Lyberia?
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't we ask for a raise?

Laura Petrie: You know, you're beginning to sound like you don't want to win.
Rob Petrie: No, I want to win all right, but I want to win on my qualifications, not on my smile.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, we heard your qualifications - you better stick to the smile.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Plots Thicken (#3.25)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: When my time comes, I'll be taken care of by my home food plan. I won't even have to leave the house. They'll just stick me in the freezer.
Sally Rogers: Oh! Buddy, that's terrible!
Buddy Sorrell: No, it isn't. I'll be wearing a mackinaw.

Sally Rogers: One more death joke and I'll kill ya.
Buddy Sorrell: Please, not today. We're defrosting.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It May Look Like a Walnut (#2.20)" (1963)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All right, Buddy, who put you up to eatin' walnuts?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, if you must know, I switched from pistachios.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Laura was getting even with me this morning because I scared her last night.
Buddy Sorrell: You scared her? What'd you do? Show up?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [Chuckling] Nah, I was pretending that I was this guy, Kolak, who breathes water.
Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah. The four-eyed monster they threw out of the U.N. He came from the planet Twilo.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Did you see that picture?
Sally Rogers: No. Did they make a picture outta that?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Last night, on television.
Sally Rogers: Noooo. I was at the U.N. the day it happened. Listen, if this guy didn't have those four eyes, I'd have married him.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Man's Teeth Are Not His Own (#2.13)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: I think toothaches are very funny. What's funnier than that?
Sally Rogers: An itch.
Buddy Sorrell: A tooth-itch?

Buddy Sorrell: [trying to round up a dentist for Rob] Sally, how about your dentist?
Sally Rogers: Oh, he's wonderful. He's handsome, he's single, and he's a wonderful dancer.
Buddy Sorrell: How about teeth?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, he's got teeth.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sound of the Trumpets of Conscience Falls Deafly on a Brain That Holds Its Ears... (#3.12)" (1963)
Buddy Sorrell: Rob, there are eight million stories in the naked city, and I think you're one of 'em.

Buddy Sorrell: Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't see those two people.
Rob Petrie: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, once I-I witnessed an accident. There was a car and a fruit truck, and like a jerk I went and reported it. Hoo, boy, I'll never make THAT mistake again.
Sally Rogers: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, one of the guys turns out to be a nut, and he keeps threatening me all week long - calls, you know, on the phone - "You better get down or I'm gonna run you over with my fruit truck."
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but he didn't, did he?
Buddy Sorrell: No, he didn't, but he got me scared. Now every time I see a fruit truck, I break out in hives.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: When a Bowling Pin Talks, Listen (#2.32)" (1963)
Buddy Sorrell: [seeing Mel enter] Well, look who's here, the cheerleader for an embalmers' picnic.

Sally Rogers: Hey, Buddy, you know, I got a hunch Alan hasn't been too happy with our scripts the last few months.
Buddy Sorrell: Come on, he loved 'em.
Sally Rogers: Yeah? So how come he sent us a Christmas card saying, "A gift in your name has been sent to The Red Skelton writers?"
Buddy Sorrell: It's just a gag. He's spreadin' a little holiday fear.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Two Faces of Rob (#2.2)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: [about Laura] Oh, come on, Rob, she's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her. She knows it's you.
Rob Petrie: [Shakes head] She thought it was him.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's what she wants you to think. She knows it was you.
Rob Petrie: You gonna tell me about her? You may know you, but you don't know her. She thought it was him
Sally Rogers: Well, I know her, and I know you, and I'm telling you she knows it's you.
Rob Petrie: You think you know about us? I am part of us, and I don't know her, but I know her better than you know her, and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy.

Sally Rogers: Uh, Rob, suppose Laura shows up at the bar at 4:30.
Rob Petrie: She won't. There's not a chance.
Sally Rogers: Well, just suppose she does.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Then she'll be stood up.
Rob Petrie: Look, she will not be stood up because she is not gonna be there. Now, she is my wife and I know her. I don't know why I've carried this ridiculous thing on as long as I have. I-I should've told her a long time ago and told her the truth. Believe me, when I get home tonight, I'm gonna... I'm gonna explain the whole ridiculous thing to her.
Sally Rogers: Boy, she's gonna give it to you pretty good, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Oh, no, not Laura. She won't say a word. For months.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Divorce (#2.28)" (1963)
Buddy Sorrell: You wanna know what she did? She's no good - that's what she did.

Rob Petrie: [over the phone] Hey, Buddy, what's the matter with you? You all right?
Buddy Sorrell: [groggy] Sleepin' pills.
Rob Petrie: [to Laura] He took sleepin' pills.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!
Rob Petrie: Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, listen to me: How many did you take?
Buddy Sorrell: [ever the jokester] Not enough.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Laura's Little Lie (#3.3)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Maybe she's afraid to go for the physical examination. Yeah, because every time I mention a doctor's appointment she tenses up.
Buddy Sorrell: Maybe he got a cold stethoscope.

Sally Rogers: Your wife shampoos your hair?
Buddy Sorrell: Doesn't everybody's?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Honeymoons Are for the Lucky (#3.23)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: Sounds like a fun honeymoon to me.
Sally Rogers: Walking around with women's clothes on and wearing fake eyelashes sounds like a fun honeymoon to you?
Buddy Sorrell: My wife did it on our honeymoon and I loved it.

Buddy Sorrell: What? Do you LIKE to hear about rotten honeymoons?
Sally Rogers: Well, sure. Since I may never get to go on one, I'd like to think I'm not missing anything.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Go Tell the Birds and the Bees (#5.10)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: My folks told me some dopey story about flowers. I spent a week tryin' to get a kid brother out of a geranium.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: That's My Boy?? (#3.1)" (1963)
[Buddy rides a small bicycle into the Petrie house]
Rob Petrie: Is that for us?
Buddy Sorrell: No, my car broke down so I rode Sally up on the handlebars. Yeah, I-I bought it for the kid.
Rob Petrie: Well, he's just a little baby!
Buddy Sorrell: Well, it's a little bicycle. They can grow up together.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is a Check-Grabber (#2.21)" (1963)
Pickles Sorrell: I'll have some cafe au lait only, um, make mine black.
Buddy Sorrell: Pickles, cafe au lait is... is coffee with milk. In French, "lait" means milk.
Pickles Sorrell: So?
Buddy Sorrell: So you ordered coffee au lait black - that's coffee with milk only without the milk.
Pickles Sorrell: Well, I like to try different things. I don't think there's anything wrong in that.
Buddy Sorrell: [to others] Sometimes I look at her and wonder, and other times I just look.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Last Chapter (#5.32)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Are you ready for a little bit of good news?
Laura Petrie: Yeah, I think so.
Rob Petrie: I heard from the publisher today.
Laura Petrie: Yeah?
Rob Petrie: He hates it, boy!
Rob Petrie: He said it reminded him of about fifty other books.
Laura Petrie: He's kidding.
Sally Rogers: No, no, that's what they said.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's right. One editor said it stunk!
Laura Petrie: Well, why is everyone so happy?
Rob Petrie: Because Alan read it and he loved it.
Alan Brady: What do I know from style?
Rob Petrie: Honey, Alan wants to produce it as a television series.
Laura Petrie: [in amazement] Your book's gonna be a television series?
Alan Brady: It's true. Of course, I won't do it till after my series is defunct, which may never be.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, Alan is going to play me.
Sally Rogers: Gee, and the three of us are going to write it and Leonard Bershad is going to produce it.
[loud commotion]
Rob Petrie: Wait, hold it, hold it a second. Honey, what do you think?
Laura Petrie: Oh gosh, I don't know what to say - Alan is really going to play you?
Alan Brady: And Rob won't have to shave his head - I'll wear a toupee.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Will You Two Be My Wife? (#2.17)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: [as Buddy and Sally enter] Hi, fellas.
Sally Rogers: "Fellas." He said it again! He said "fellas."
Rob Petrie: Oh, I'm sorry, Sally. You're always talkin' about how you like to be treated like one of the guys.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but not when I'm wearing my most feminine outfit. "Fellas!"
Rob Petrie: I'm, sorry, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Look, Rob, just for once, make believe I'm a girl?
Buddy Sorrell: We'll do our best, Fred.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: One Angry Man (#1.24)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: [devilishly suggesting there're amorous feelings between Rob and Marla Hendrix] Do-d'doodily-do-do-do.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Uncle George (#3.8)" (1963)
Mel Cooley: Uh, if Alan doesn't have that script by four o'clock, he's gonna start tearing his hair out.
Buddy Sorrell: [looking at Mel's bald head] Kind of makes you sad, doesn't it?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Case of the Pillow (#4.21)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: [the first to test-smell Laura's new pillows] Why do I always have to be the first?
Sally Rogers: Because you're expendable.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Neighbor's Husband's Other Life (#3.30)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: I think marriage is wonerful. Without it, husbands and wives'd have to fight with strangers.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Brave and the Backache (#3.20)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: You know how to keep a head cold from goin' down in your chest?
Sally Rogers: No.
Buddy Sorrell: Tie a knot in your neck.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sam Pomerantz Scandals (#2.24)" (1963)
Buddy Sorrell: [on his wife being the worst cook] One night she says to me "How do you fix frankfurters?" I says "I don't know. I guess the same way you fix fish." She says "I tried it. Once you clean out those weenies, there's nothing left."

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Stretch Petrie vs. Kid Schenk (#4.14)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: We're sitting here knocking Neil so much I'm beginning to feel guilty about him now.
Buddy Sorrell: Ah, don't feel so bad. I love Pickles, but if somebody asked me if she'd make a good wife I would have to say no.
Sally Rogers: Buddy, you shouldn't talk like that. You know, if I were your wife...
Buddy Sorrell: Call her, maybe we can make a deal.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bupkis (#4.24)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Well, what kind of a guy would I be if I went back on my word?
Buddy Sorrell: My kind of guy.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Night the Roof Fell In (#2.9)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Anyway, you can see why I can't just go home and walk in and say "Hello, what's new?"
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. She's liable to dig up a lot of... what's old.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Pink Pills and Purple Parents (#4.10)" (1964)
[Rob prevents Sally from taking one of Buddy's prescription pills]
Rob Petrie: Well, what-what could cure pain for one person can do some weird things to somebody else.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah? What kind of weird things?
Sally Rogers: Well, for one, I could look like you.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Bird in the Head Hurts (#2.11)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: You know why your kid makes up these weird stories about being attacked by big birds?
Rob Petrie: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: 'Cause you live in the suburbs.
Sally Rogers: What're you talking about?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, if he lived in the city like any normal kid, he'd be attacked by a nice street gang.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Am My Brother's Keeper (#1.26)" (1962)
[after providing an outstanding, lively entertainment, Stacey falls completely asleep and Rob quiets everybody down]
Buddy Sorrell: [whispering] Hey, Rob? Is the party over?
Rob Petrie: [whispering] Yeah.
Buddy Sorrell: [whispering] I thought so.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Mother Can Beat Up My Father (#4.1)" (1964)
Buddy Sorrell: Your schnoz is more famous than that, uh, Cyrano de Burgundy.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Talented Neighborhood (#1.19)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: What's this?
Sally Rogers: Whadda ya mean "What's this?" What does it look like? It's a room full of talented kids.
Buddy Sorrell: [indicating Mel] What does the big one do?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Lady and the Tiger and the Lawyer (#3.16)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: Ooo, suburbs. Yeah, I'd like to look out my window and see a little green.
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't you get an apartment in front of a stoplight?