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Quotes for
Alan Johnson (Character)
from "Peep Show" (2003)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Peep Show: Mark Makes a Friend (#1.4)" (2003)
Johnson: [to Jeremy] You really are a bitter loser, aren't you, Mr No Logo, Mr Work a Day for World Peace?

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Don't screw up. No screw-ups. Got to impress.
Johnson: So Mr Corrigan, we've examined your loan application and I just have one question for you. Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?
Mark Corrigan: Er, well, no.
Johnson: Oh, right. Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippy parasite.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh, yes. Yeah, I like it.
Johnson: Then I'm going to make you feel like you're a turkey fucker. Why? Because I'm the big man and you're a shitheel, right?
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Brilliant. That is just so spot on.
[Johnson turns and it is revealed they are doing a role playing exercise in front of Mark's coworkers]
Johnson: Or, I could treat Mr Corrigan like a valued and respected customer, and we'd both end up winners. Isn't that right, Mr Corrigan?
Mark Corrigan: Right. Absolutely! Dead right.
[They shake hands and receive a round of applause]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Alan Johnson. I'm in love. I'm in love with you, Johnson.

Jeremy Usborne: [about politicians] They should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people. I like shooting people." You know, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.
Johnson: You turn over when the news comes on?
Jeremy Usborne: No, no. No, sometimes... maybe for a treat but generally it's great, isn't it? Who do you support? Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it more interesting when you a pick a... No?

Mark Corrigan: I could have a little thing going there with Sophie actually.
Johnson: Yeah? Well, my advice is keep it little.
Mark Corrigan: Yeah?
Johnson: Women. I mean, does a balance sheet ever come crying and saying that it needs some time to think about things? A business doesn't say it loves you then run off with a buddy. I mean, take a look at her, mate. Take a good, hard look at her. What do you see? What do you actually see in her, compared to, say, a supermodel like Gisele? Or any of the other supermodels?
Mark Corrigan: She's... I think she's very... pretty.
Johnson: Come on, look at her arse. Is that the best arse you're ever going to get? Do you stick on that arse? Come on, admit it. She's got a fat arse.
[Mark hesitates]
Johnson: Say it!
Mark Corrigan: Well, she's... Maybe it is a bit... nice, but in a sense...

Sophie Chapman: Quite a seminar. You know Barbara went home crying.
Johnson: Hey, I'm just a doctor, I didn't make the needles sharp.
Sophie Chapman: It's not a wig, Alan, that's actually her hair.
Mark Corrigan: You've got to admit, Soph, she was asking a lot of questions.
Sophie Chapman: Yeah, well I just thought you two big kahunas should know.
Johnson: Yeah, whatever.
[Sophie walks off]
Mark Corrigan: See you!
Johnson: Je-sus, some people. You point them to a lift and they're like "No thanks, I'm fine with the stairs."

Mark Corrigan: But, the relocation thing, moving out on Jeremy... It feels a bit weird, Dad.
Mark Corrigan: Shit!
Johnson: Sorry?
Mark Corrigan: It feels weird, Daddio.
Mark Corrigan: Good save.

Johnson: Phony Tony, I call him. The thing about this government, it's all spin. It's all smoke and mirrors.
Mark Corrigan: I totally agree, I couldn't agree more.
Johnson: And the way he licks Bush's arse.
Mark Corrigan: It's pathetic!

Jeremy Usborne: But, you two? This is never gonna work! You don't know him, you don't know anything about him! How does he like his toast?
Johnson: He likes it in a business class seat of a Virgin Atlantic flight to New York City.
Jeremy Usborne: Wrong! He likes one brown with Marmite and one white with lime marmalade.
[he stick up his middle finger]

"Peep Show: Conference (#4.2)" (2007)
Johnson: If we succeed, I'm going to be Charles and you'll be my Camilla.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I'm going to be Johnson's Queen! If the public will accept me, I'm going to be Johnson's Queen!

Johnson: Just wanted to drop by and say "Have fun." Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh, he is good. Taboo-busting, semi-incomprehensible pep talk.

Johnson: Where's Mark? And what the hell are you doing here?
Jeremy Usborne: I know my rights. I've spoken to my friends at the Citizens Advice Bureau. Pay up or I shall make a disturbance!
Johnson: [getting out his wallet] OK, sure, fine, if it'll make you feel any better. Here, £380. Cash. Will that do?
Jeremy Usborne: I'll take it. And you know what? This means nothing to me. I haven't got a penny in the world, Suze, but this means nothing to me without you!
[he throws the money out of the window]
Jeremy Usborne: There, you see? Now do you see? That's how I feel. Now will you go back out with me?
Big Suze: Er, no, Jez. I'm just not really that into you.
Jeremy Usborne: In that case... if you'll excuse me.
[he climbs out of the window]

Alan Johnson: [to the board of executives] OK, Mark is now going to take you through details of Project Zeus.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Here I go. Palms dry, mouth dry, inter-buttock area moist.
[to the board]
Mark Corrigan: So, integrating Sales and Marketing - Project Zeus. The bad news is... it doesn't work. But... look, big picture, so what? Maybe we shouldn't be in the credit business at all, maybe we should look at human rights or global warming. I mean, these are just ideas, but... where's the humanity? I suppose that's what I want to ask you today, if anything. Where is the humanity?
[He puts his hand on Johnson's shoulder]
Mark Corrigan: Old friend.
[Johnson is very disappointed. The executives start talking amongst themselves]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Shit, I'm crashing and burning.
[He looks out the window at Sophie giving him the thumbs up]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] That stupid bloody hippy sold me down the river! Plan B. What is Plan B?
[to the executives]
Mark Corrigan: Right, OK, you can stop the murmuring. Please... stop mumurming. Unless you think it's nice to murmur at someone who's... dying!
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Did I just say that? I did just say that.
[to the executives]
Mark Corrigan: Yup, that's right, I've got brain cancer. Half my brain's been eaten away already, probably, but I think I did a pretty decent job for a man with a brain tumour the size of a pineapple, who's gonna be dead with a month.
Mark Corrigan: Er... Plan C? Is there a Plan C?
[Mark pretends to feel a sudden pain in his head and sinks into a chair]
Mark Corrigan: Ahh, my brain! My poor diseased brain!
Alan Johnson: [Standing up] Yeah, I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr Corrigan will indeed be dead in a month.

Johnson: Don't be alarmed, Mark, it's just Tai Chi. Take a seat and I'll just power through.
[Johnson swiftly finishes his moves and sits down]
Johnson: It should take 45 minutes, I'm done in 10. Stick that up your dojo.

"Peep Show: The Affair (#6.4)" (2009)
Johnson: Don't thank me, thank the Microsoft Office family - PowerPoint, Excel and Word, the Three Amigos.

Johnson: Here's my pitch: New Management Consultancy, you and me. I'm the face, you're the, uh, tendons and the grisly shit under the surface. Whaddaya say?
Mark Corrigan: Oh my God... I don't know. Really?
Johnson: Look at you! You're like the fat girl who's just been asked to the school disco.
Mark Corrigan: Well, yeah... my only hesitation is that I don't have any actual experience of management consulting...
[Johnson shuts Mark's lips with his fingers]
Johnson: In, fire 30% of the workforce, new logo, boom! Out. You are now a fully trained management consultant.

Johnson: Relax, Mark. You've seen this from the Sales Direct guys?
[he hands Mark a letter]
Johnson: They say they look foward to hearing from us in the future. They "look foward to it". Now, what about that doesn't spell to you serious interest?
Mark Corrigan: Right.
Mark Corrigan: Just keep nodding and smiling. Nodding and smiling like Colonel Gaddafi's psychoanalyst.

"Peep Show: New Year's Eve (#7.6)" (2010)
Johnson: What have you come as? Techno hippie street bum?
Jeremy Usborne: I'm not actually wearing a costume, Alan, so the joke's on you.
Johnson: Yes, I knew that, so the joke's on you.
Jeremy Usborne: Well, I didn't realise you knew that, so it can't have been a very good joke.

[Johnson, a former alcoholic, picks up a glass of champagne]
Mark Corrigan: [grabbing hold of the glass in Johnson's hand] Isn't it like kryptonite? Won't it kill you?
Johnson: I'm not going to drink it, Mark, I'll just take a sniff for old time's sake.
[Mark lets go. Johnson sniffs it, then downs it]
Johnson: More fool you, asshole.

"Peep Show: Dance Class (#2.1)" (2004)
Johnson: What this department needs is a kick up the arse so hard, my foot'll go right up your digestive tract and wiggle out your mouth like a little leather tongue.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Yeah, fuck carrot and stick. He's making the stick out of carrot. Jesus, he's good. Careful, there's man love and there's business love and never the twain shall meet.

"Peep Show: The William Morris Years (#9.1)" (2015)
Alan Johnson: Hey, hey, hey, Marco. How you going, good buddy?
Mark Corrigan: Yeah, great actually old pal.
Alan Johnson: Oh really? Cause I thought you might be feeling like a guy who's just walked into a high-class restaurant with a sausage dog on the end of his dick.
Mark Corrigan: Uh, no?
Alan Johnson: I got something up on my visual display unit this morning, Mark. I thought it was a high-definition photo of some dog shit. Then I took a closer look, and I realised it was actually your sales record.
Mark Corrigan: Oh, right.
Alan Johnson: I pulled strings to get you in, Mark. If you look like a sausage dog fucker, then I look like a sausage dog fucker. Do you get me?
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Got to get my dick out of the dog.

"Peep Show: Local Zero (#2.3)" (2004)
[Johnson, who thinks Mark is an alcoholic, discovers him in a pub with Sophie, having a pint of lager]
Mark Corrigan: It's not what it looks like! It's only a pint!
Johnson: Only a p... it's never only a pint.
Mark Corrigan: I didn't even want it, Sophie bought it for me, I asked for a coke.
Sophie Chapman: No, you didn't.
Johnson: You know what I'm hearing, Mark? Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink!

"Peep Show: Jeremy Makes It (#2.2)" (2004)
[Mark is being questioned by Johnson about the sausage that was pinned to Ian Krauss' office door]
Johnson: It's very embarrassing. And since Ian Krauss is of German extraction, it has to be treated as a racial incident.
Mark Corrigan: Ian's a...? A racial incident? But why?
Johnson: Oh come on, Mark. Germans? Sausages? Do I have to spell it out? The sausage-munching Boche. Fritz, the bratwurst guzzler.
Mark Corrigan: Of course. Horrible.