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: Yeah, Vicky, wow. Why the hell do you look so good? Vicky Gold
: Dave, you spoil me with all those compliments.
: [about Hillary
] Where am I taking her? Vicky Gold
: To the gynecologist. Dave Gold
: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not my area. I mean, that is my area, but only when that area is your area. Her area... that's out of my area.
: Hillary, tell your father why you have to see the gynecologist today. Hillary Gold
: Because I have terrible PMS, and cramps, and bloating, and a very heavy flow. Dave Gold
: Aah, aah, okay, okay, that's enough. I heard enough. I'll take her, just stop talking.
: Hey, what do you know? The horniest hound from my high school is my daughter's gynecologist. No!
: It turns out Hillary's doctor is someone I went to high school with. Vicky Gold
: You're kidding. You know Dr. Vogel? Dave Gold
: Oh, yeah, I know all about him. Let's just say he turned his hobby into his career. Vicky Gold
: What do you mean, he was President of the Pap Smear Club? Dave Gold
: In a matter of speaking, yes. I mean, in high school, all this guy talked about was getting into girls' pants. At least back then he had to work at it. Now all he has to do is say next!
: I've been going to Dr. Vogel for, like, three years now, and he's been nothing but professional... Dave Gold
: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's, uh... he's seen you, too? Vicky Gold
: Not only has he seen me, I paid him to look at it.
: Come on! Come on. I've been very mature about this. I discussed it calmly and rationally. I didn't even scream or yell! Come on! Vicky Gold
: Yeah. You mean like you're doing now? Dave Gold
: That's 'cause you're making me! Vicky Gold
: Hey, just because you handled it maturely doesn't mean you get what you want. Dave Gold
: But that's not fair! Vicky Gold
: I'm sorry if it bothers you, but I think Vogel is an excellent doctor, and I'm very comfortable with him. Dave Gold
: Well, I'm not. Vicky Gold
: Then I suggest you don't let him examine your vagina.
: So you had a problem with me doing business with Dr. Vogel until suddenly, you had business to do with Dr. Vogel. Dave Gold
: First of all, when I do business with him, my pants aren't off, and my feet aren't in the air.
: What are you calling Dr. Vogel for? Dave Gold
: [scene cuts
] To tell him he's gotten his last peek at my wife and daughter's woo-woos.
Dr. Joel Lieber
: [about Mike
] This is a very difficult thing for a therapist to tell a parent about their child... Vicky Gold
: Oh, God! Dave Gold
: What, he's sick? He's really sick? Dr. Joel Lieber
: Actually, the clinical term is, "Big ****ing Liar."
: All right, tell me what's going on. Are you guys getting a divorce? Dave Gold
: No, damn it! Why are you always asking us that?
: No, no. No therapy. Okay? All those head doctors do is say you have ADD or OCD or NAACP and boom, you're labeled a nut job. And once you start, you can't stop. I'm telling you, Vicky, therapy is like crack for sad people.
: All right, look, I have to tell you guys the truth. I'm not really depressed, okay? That note you found was a song I tried to write, and I was just trying to get you to buy me stuff. Vicky Gold
: We know that, you idiot! Dave Gold
: Yeah, what's the matter with you, huh? How can you do something like that? Vicky Gold
: You scared us! Dave Gold
: How are we supposed to know when there's something's really wrong with you, you moron!
: Now, I want you to get changed for the play, because you're going. Dave Gold
: Fine. I'll go, but I'll tell you right now, I'm not gonna like it. Vicky Gold
: Dave, it's a high school play. Nobody's gonna like it.
: This girl Keisha and I got into a fight, and I... kind of punched her. Dave Gold
: Keisha? Wh-What'd you... you beat up a black girl? Hillary Gold
: What makes you assume she's black? Isn't that a little racist of you? Dave Gold
: Not as racist as you beating her up.
: Well, how would you feel if your dad didn't show up for your things? Dave Gold
: Hey, when I was his age, my things were smoking doobs and grabbing boobs.
: So did you break up with Heidi? Mike
: No, dad. I didn't break up with Heidi. Dave
: What?! You didn't listen to me? Mike
: Dad, no offence but I pretty much don't listen to anything you say ever. Dave
: What? Mike
: Well, you know, I listen for key words like "Dinner's ready" or "allowance" or "FIRE!" but the rest is just background noise.
: What's the matter with you, huh? We don't steal in this family. Hillary Gold
: Really? What about our cable? Dave Gold
: That's not stealing. That's beating the system. Hillary Gold
: What about when you eat in the grocery store? Dave Gold
: That's called a taste test. Hillary Gold
: I think you know what Oreos taste like, Dad.
: [Giving Kenny advice about the new girl that he is dating, who is fat.
] I'm just saying that you should always be careful. Kenny
: You mean I should always practice safe sex? Dave
] Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Dave
: [Speaking to the audience.
] Actually, I meant that he shouldn't ever let her be on top.
: Look, I don't drink cause I'm sad. I drink because I'm bored and dissatisfied with my life.
: Just because you're half Jewish doesn't mean you're going to do it half-assed. Ok, for thousands of years Jews had to learn that Hebrew crap, I had to do it and you're going to do it. Mike
: Yeah, but that sounds hard. Dave
: Too bad, that's what being a Jew is all about, suffering. Welcome to the club.