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: It's Skipper! Skipper? Kowalski
: That's not Skipper, at least not anymore. You heard the doctor. That infection did things to his brain. Horrible things! Private
: What kind of horrible things? Kowalski
: From the looks of it, I'd say horrible zombie things. Private
: Is he dangerous? Kowalski
: Oh, you bet your succulent cerebral cortex he is. Just try to avoid eye contact, wear something to protect the brain area, and move slowly towards the...
[Skipper lunges forward
: Ah! It's trying to devour us all! Private
: He's eating Rico's brain! Kowalski
: Rico's? I mean, have you even looked at this big, juicy, jumbo genius tenderloin? That's grade-A science brain, baby!
: [the penguins pile up to try to peek through the window
] All right, Private, describe exactly what you see. Private
: Um... a wall, possibly brick.
: [Kowalski slaps him
] No, you've got to put more emotion into it. Like you're disappointed, but you also care.
[Rico slaps him
: Yes, that's it! Just like Skipper used to do it.
: Stop! Stop! Private
: The zombie can speak! Skipper
: I'm... not a zombie. Kowalski
: But the infection. We heard the doctor say... Skipper
: Who are you gonna believe, some two-bit medicine man, or your own commanding officer? Private
: Can it really be true? Kowalski
: But how can we know for sure?
[Rico holds up chainsaw
: Oh, Rico. Chainsaw's your answer to everything. Skipper
: Men, amigos, my brothers in black and white. Look at me! All I've got is a broken wing, and I'm pretty sure that's not contagious. Private
: Then why were you chasing us? Skipper
: Because it itches like sandpaper underpants. Rico, scratch maneuvers, double time.
[Rico approaches Skipper
: No, Rico!
[the others tackle Skipper
: Nice try, zombie!
[They fall off the roof; cut to them in the vet's office
: Okay, I stand corrected on the contagiousness of broken wings, but I did tell you I wasn't a zombie.
: This does not wash! We're penguins, they're insects. We've got the size advantage. Private
: But Skipper, they've got the owie advantage. Rico
: Owie! Private
: We can't take out their nest without entering a world of pain. Skipper
: Kowalski, were are we on eliminating pain? Kowalski
: Way ahead of you, Skipper. I have been perfecting a pain elimination helmet.
[Puts on helmet and taps it to activate it
: As you will see, the nerve inhibiting matrix will provide 100% protection from any kind of...
[Lets a cinder block fall on his flipper
: Aah! It's not perfected! Oh, it hurts! It hurts so bad!
: Is he gone? Kowalski
: No sign of him - Aaah! Private
: What was that for? Kowalski
: I just assumed he was going to pop out of no- Look behind you! Private
: Aaaah! Kowalski
: And once again I appear to be mistaken. Hmm. Guess it just goes to show you can never tell...
[Suddenly Skipper pops up beneath them, and they all run away screaming
: Okay, let's get stupid!
[Turns on degausser on Private; he falls unconscious
: Private? Are you all right? Skipper
: Rico, my medical supplies.
[Rico coughs up two rubber gloves; Skipper slaps Private with them until he's conscious
: Ooh, is that a cotton candy machine? I like cotton candy.
[Goes to machine and gets shocked
: Eureka! Stupid mission accomplished! Skipper
: All we need to do now is to point him towards the hornet's nest and... Private
: Oh, pretty shiny light machine. Kowalski
: No, not the degausser! Private
: [Turns on degausser and waves it over his head
] I'm a disco penguin. Kowalski
: Be careful!
[the degausser drains all of their thoughts; they fall unconscious
: Hello? Kowalski
: I like degaussing!
[Rico laughs stupidly
: Thoughts returning. Kowalski
: Picked up some of Rico's... Ugh! So horrible. Rico
: You want me to talk to the bees? Skipper
: Hornets, and talking ain't gonna cut it. We need you to do something more decisive. Mort
: Kisses and huggies? Kowalski
: We... need you... to go up there... and remove... the hornet's... nest! Mort
: Then can I play in the bee's house? Skipper
: Skipper, something's wrong with the sun. Skipper
: He finally did it! Private
: Who did what? Skipper
: My mad dolphin nemesis, Dr. Blowhole! He blew out the sun! Kowalski
: Actually, according to my calculations, it is the rare cosmic event known as a solar eclipse. Rico
: Huh? Skipper
: Are you sure it's not the crazed handiwork of my marine mammal foe? Kowalski
: It's totally natural. The moon is between the sun and the Earth... Ooh, it's a total eclipse! Wow! Are you as totally stoked about this as I am?
: Kowalski, options. Kowalski
: We'll need a diversion. I suggest releasing the spider monkeys. Bedlam is their middle name. Skipper
: They never disappoint. Kowalski
: Amid the chaos, we escape through the south entrance. Skipper
: Good. And then? Kowalski
: Then, we get jobs as holiday store displays. When we've earned enough money, we build a new secret lair, one with laser beams. Private
: Ooh, laser beams!
: You, you are the nicest guy around here. Make me be nice! I command you! Private
: That wasn't very nice. King Julien
: And you are failing already!
: The point is, fear of medical professionals is completely unwarranted. Yes, the benefits to one's health and personal well being are much too important... Alice
: Looks like you penguins are due for a visit to the dentist. Kowalski
: The dentist? Aaaaah!
: But we don't have teeth.
: That's it! No more mister nice guy. Private
: For you or Julien? Skipper
: Whatever works.
: I don't mean to be cheeky, but why'd the doctor have to give the shots in the bum? Kowalski
: Our fleshy buttocks make ideal distribution points for injected medicines. Ugh! Unfortunately.
: Skipper, I have what you're looking for. Skipper
: Outstanding! So when's the next big eclipse? Kowalski
: From today, 27 years, in Brazil. Private
: Ooh, I've always wanted to go to Carnaval.
: Skipper, what are you doing here? Skipper
: Saving you from saving me. Private
: But really, I don't mind having another shot. I can always... turn the other cheek. He-he! Skipper
: You'll mind if it makes you sick. Or worse. Private
: How worse? Skipper
: You know, the chimps didn't say. I assumed you'll grow a second head or something. Private
: I don't want a second head! Skipper
: Then hurry, man! The doc will be here any second.
[Skipper tosses Private towards the window, but misses and he hits the wall; Private then climbs up to the window and turns to Skipper
: You know, Skipper, none of us think any less of you for being afraid. Skipper
: Well, I do. That fear almost hurt a friend. Now get out of here, soldier.
: I'm sorry, Skipper. Skipper
: Don't be sorry, Private. Be alert. You never know when our enemies will strike...
[Suddenly, cages drop on the penguins
: What the ham steak? Private
: Um, Skipper, is this still part of the drill?
: There is no reason to fear the doctor. Private
: Except for his needle, and its slow burn of pain that...
[Kowalski glares at Private
: ... that's not as bad as it seems.
: Kowalski, progress report. Kowalski
: Nearing completion on escape tunnel 15, Skipper. Private
: Isn't that being overly cautious? Skipper
: Even better. It's full-blown paranoia! Kowalski
: No, I mean, we already have 14 escape tunnels. Isn't that enough? Skipper
: Manfredi and Johnson thought so. What was left of them came back in a manila envelope. Kowalski
: From Manila, ironically. Skipper
: There's no such thing as "too paranoid", Private. Remember that and forget you ever heard it. Private
: Um, I don't think that works the way you think it... Skipper
: Eyes on the flippers.
: So you want me to pretend to be a squirrel? Private
: You are a squirrel. Fred
: Yeah, but I've never been a pretend one before.
: Thanks a million, Fred. Fred
: It was nothing. I've always wanted to travel in a cardboard box before. Did you know there's cardboard on the inside too?
: You are from the future! Tell me, am I married and living in a cottage in Nova Scottia with one egg and another on the way? Kowalski
: Um, no. Private
: Problem solved. Now go invent something that won't destroy the world. Private
: Like a snow cone machine. Rico
: Snow cone! Kowalski
: Snow cone, eh?
[Cut to New York submerged in snow cone
: Kowalski! You maniac! You did it! You finally did it! Kowalski
: Yes, but you've got to admit, these are great snow cones. Skipper
: Oh, yes. Definitely worth it.
: Private, listen to me. There's a Kowalski from the future who... Private
: You have a future Kowalski? I have a future Kowalski! He says the time machine must be stopped. Skipper
: Well, mine says it has to be saved. Private
: Oh, dear. Which future Kowalski do we listen to? Skipper
: I say... the one who lets me slap a hippie!
: Don't you think we're taking things too far? Skipper
: Never mind this conversation...
[waves flippers in front of face
: And forget it ever happened. Private
: I don't think that works the way you think it does. Skipper
: Eyes on the flippers.
: Skipper, what's in the sack? Skipper
: Our dirty laundry. Why? What's so suspicious about a penguin with a sack of laundry? Private
: Nothing, except we don't wear clothes. Skipper
: Well, yeah! Cause they're dirty!
: That voice... That steely gaze. Rockgut
: You sugar puffs gonna stand there? Spill your tater tots. Where's the red squirrel? Skipper
: The red squirrel. Then you really are... Special agent Buck Rockgut. Kowalski
: The Buck Rockgut? Private
: Um, is that - is that some famous, then? Private
: Sweet ignorant Private, Buck Rockgut is our greatest american penguin hero. I've patterned my whole life after rotgut. Kowalski
: The bird who brought down penguin enemy number one: The red squirrel and may I say, it is honor, sir. Rockgut
: 86 the kiss-up, fauntleroy. let's get to brass tacks. I caught the squirrel, all right, but big red broke out, disappeared in the underground. so that's what I did too. 47 years I've been down in this bunker, waiting for the red squirrel to show his fluffy tail again. 47 years. Rockgut
: 47 years? Rockgut
: 47 years! Private
: Do you think the red squirrel would have shown up by now? Skipper
: Private. Rockgut
: College boy, huh? You see that bunker door? It only open when the red squirrel returns. Is it open now, dough boy? Private
: Yes. Rockgut
: Then red is back and you four lollipops are gonna help me find him.
: Hello! Are you my family?
[the three penguins turn, knowing that they're far away from land, and nod to each other before turning back to face Private
: You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry. Private
[Skipper elbows Kowalski
: What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about. Skipper
: [hits Kowalski
] No one's gonna die.
: You know what you got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other. And if that ain't a family, I don't know what is.
[salutes Private, who salutes back
: [tussles Private's head
] So adorable.
: Kowalski, what's our trajectory? Kowalski
: Ninety-five percent certain we're still doomed. Skipper
: And the, uh... other five percent? Kowalski
: Adventure and glory like no penguins have ever seen before. Skipper
: I'll take that action. Private
: Where are going? Skipper
: The future, boys. The glorious future.
: Follow me, boys! We're going in hot! Private
: [as his butt goes on fire
] Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Skipper
: No one likes a show off, Private.
: Skipper wouldn't care. Plan or no! Fancy equipment or no! He'd never leave a man behind!
: So... how do I look? Kowalski
: You're hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport. Private
[Skipper elbows Kowalski
: What? Skipper
: If there's anything we've learned from this delightful adventure, KOWALSKI, it's that looks don't matter. It's what you do that counts.
[overwhelmed with emotion
: And look at what you did.
[the penguins from different countries look at Private, to his delight. Baby penguins pop out from behind parent penguins
: Yes, sir. You are the most meaningful and valued member of this team.
[Private salutes Skipper, who salutes back. Kowalski and Rico salute as well. Skipper does Private's salute by crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Private did the same and laughs. All the penguins and the North Wind cheer for Private
[when Dave breaks in his own ray to get Private
[punches Dave in the face with his butt-hand
: What is that?
[they see numerous painful weapons as they are going to be killed on the ride
: Oh, great. Short Fuse
: Oh, no! This it it! Corporal
: I don't wanna die, I'm squishy!
[before they are killed by one of the weapons, the ride stops and goes reverse to see Private knocked out the squid controlling the ride
: OH NO, WE'RE DEAD! DEAD! DEAAAAAAAAAAD! Private
: [to the North Wind team
] I pushed a button!
: [Dave drops from the ceiling in human disguise
] Who are you? Dave
: The humans know me as Doctor Octavius Brine, renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives... but you know me by a different, much older name. A name perhaps you hoped you'd never hear again. A PHANTOM! A shadow of a former life! I... AM...
[rips off disguise, but wig remains on his head
: Dave! Skipper
] Kowalski? Kowalski
: [Whispers back
] Sorry, sir, no clue. Dave
: [Looks up, sees the wig on his head, and pulls it off
] Dave! Skipper
: Dave? Kowalski
: Dave...? Dave
: Dave! Private
] Dave! Dave
] DA-VUH! Rico
: [Rolls his eyes
: [after waking up from being tranquilized
] What did North Wind do to us? Private
: [Turns around and shows the dart stuck in his back
] They gave us badges! Skipper
: [Snatches the dart from his own shoulder
] No, not badges... Tranquilizer darts!
[Looks around and realizes they're in a plane
: Classified. That low-down, dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission! Kowalski
: He thinks we can't do anything because we're just
[makes quotation marks with his flippers
: "penguins". Skipper
: Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers! They're US! And if anyone's going to save us, it's us. Kowalski
: But sir, we've got to be five miles up. That pretty much limits our options. Skipper
: I MAKE MY OWN OPTIONS.
[Punches the button closest to him, which opens the cargo hatch
: [fixes the video connection
] How about now? Private
: Hurray! Classified
: Yes! Way to go, looks fantastic! Dave
: Excellent! Now, where was I?
: Dave! Short Fuse
: Grrrr! Dave
: Greetings, North Wind. I see you've met my old zoo-mates. Skipper
: We were never "mates." There was no mating. Classified
: Turn yourself in, David. You are powerless now that I have stolen your precious Medusa Serum. Skipper
: What? You didn't steal that! Classified
: It's over. Dave
: It's over?
: Then... why did I call you? Wierd. OH! Maybe it was to show you *this*!
[turns camera to reveal a large vat of Medusa Serum
: [collective gasp from everyone
] That is a lot of serum for four penguins. Dave
: Oh, you thought this was just about you four? No, no-no-no-no. We're just getting started.
[takes a selfie
: Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go do some shopping... FOR REVENGE!
[hits button, buzzer sounds. hits button again, same result
: Wait. How do you...? Squid
: [gurgles instructions
: What do I push? Squid
: [points and gurgles
: Is it the red, or... Squid 2
: [points, gurgles, and slaps own head in frustration
: I thought it was... it's not this -
[screen goes black
: Well, Private. What an unexpected dimension this adds to your character. Private
: Yeah, you see... Skipper
: I don't like it! I like my men one-dimensional. Works better for me.
[Rico hides his stamp collection and whistles non-chalantly
: [Private wakes up taped to a dumpster; he screams
] At ease, Private. The beast can smell your fear. So can I. That is fear, right? Private
: So I'm supposed to fight the beast taped to this dumpster, am I? Kowlaski
: No. Rico just thought it would be funny.
: You mean you're not coming with me? Skipper
: This is your test, Private. No weapons, no help, you don't even get to know where you are. Mort
: I know where we are! I found a map on the way. Maurice
: You did not! That's a kiddie menu you found in the gutter. Mort
: I live in the hamburger.
: Instant telescope. King Julien
: [Takes telescope
] Thank you, dumpy penguin. You see, in camping, you can make a fire with just a... piraty looky tube. Maurice
: Don't you need sunlight for that? King Julien
: Why would I need sunlight to do this?
[hits kindling with telescope
] King Julien
: Make fire, you looky tube!
[Hands the destroyed telescope back to Private
] King Julien
: This one's defective.
: [reading from a folder and laughing
] That's classic! Private
: All right then, Skipper? Skipper
: At ease, Private. I was just laughing at a joke in our mission files. Private
: Is it a funny one? Skipper
: Oh, yeah. Private
: Can I see it, then? Skipper
: Classified! Kowlaski
: What's classified?
[Skipper shows Kowalski the file, he laughs
: Classic. Private
: Well, why does Kowalski get to see it? Skipper
: Because he's got security clearance. We can't go around showing our classified information to just anybody. Rico! You gotta see this! Rico
: [Reads and laughs
: Any more advice, trusty survival guide? Skipper
: [on recording
] This recording will self-destruct... right now!
[Rico appears and beats up recorder with bat
: Good luck!
: It started as an innocent game of minigolf. I was good. I was too good. Soon any punk who could shoot a straignt ball was aiming to shoot me down. Then came this young armadillo. He was running circles around me. So I did what I had to do.
[Flashback shows Private bouncing the ball off a little girl's ice-cream cone to sink the hole
: I gave up the game, forever. Marlene
: So, you gave up minigolf. Private
: Yes. Kowlaski
: Over an ice-cream cone. Private
: It was a double scoop! Marlene
: Couldn't you just buy the girl another ice-cream... Private
: It wasn't the ice-cream, it was what the game was turning me into.
: Tonight you go mano-a-mano against the fiercest creature in the concrete jungle. Private
: A badger? Skipper
: Yes... wha? No!
: No, I can't set foot on Denmark. Private
: Why not, Skipper? The Skipper
: Well, that's private, Private, between me and the Danes.
: Say goodbye to Earth, boys. Private
: But Skipper, Earth has some of my favorite things, like cookies and oxygen. The Skipper
: ...and brown paper packages tied up in strings. Kowalski, light this candle!
: Gentlemen, we need a vacation. A vacation from that lemur. Private
: Perhaps we could visit a zoo. They have pandas and hippos and a lovely house of reptiles. The Skipper
: Private, you do realize we live in a zoo. Private
: But we could visit a different zoo. The Skipper
[Rico slaps Private upside the head
: So the Friedman's youngest, Benny, picks me up in Florida. Private
: Uh-huh. Roger
: They were visiting their Nana in Tampa, but that's neither here nor there. Private
: Uh-huh. Roger
: I was just a baby at the time, but you change, you grow... next thing I know, I'm flushed down the toilet. Kowalski
: Fascinating. Roger
: Actually, it's not as bad as it seems.
: Gentlemen, I give you the Penguin One. Private
: Is it safe, Skipper?
[a piece falls off the rocket
] The Skipper
: Kowalski? Kowalski
: Technically speaking, maybe.
: According to rumors, the previous occupant of this habitat did disappear... Private
: ...under mysterious circumstances! Marlene
: He was transfered, to Toledo. Mort
[All look scared
] The Skipper
: [Holding a flashlight under his face
[Mort screams and runs away, slamming into a wall
Max the Cat
: Greetings, my little friend. Pardon me, but are you a penguin? Private
: Why, yes, I am. Max the Cat
: A flightless bird! That means no flapping, no flying... no resistance.
: You guys ever knock, or...? Kowalski
: Such pleasantries would only slow us down. Private
: We do pride ourselves on a rapid response.
: Hey, guys. Skipper
: Marlene, you really have to say something before you burst in on us like that. Private
: Luckily you didn't set off our habitat's new security grid. Kowalski
: Tear gas, blow darts, land mines, the whole enchilada. Marlene
: Isn't that a little severe? Skipper
: Is it? One of these days, you'll learn that there is only one universal language: force. Kowalski
: And math. Skipper
: Right. Force and math. Marlene
: Music, also. Skipper
: Force, math and music are really the only... Private
[Skippers slaps Private
: The point is, we speak fluent force around here, and we feel safer knowing that no one, and I mean no one, is getting inside our lair.
: [Speaking very fast
] Too much sugar, what does Skipper mean too much sugar? I like sugar and I'm the best recon man ever! I see a fire engine! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Arrgh! I'm a pirate! Ooh, a caterpillar! Ha ha ha! My name backwards is Etavirp! What's a virp? Is it sugar? I love sugar!
: No, you don't understand! This orca was gigantic, and it came from the sky! Maurice
: A sky orca? King Julien
: A skorca! That is what the cool people will call it now, because we take two words and make them one, because it's so hip, you know. Skorca! Aaah! Who can be safe from the terror that swims the skies? No one! All who agree, vote by getting panicky... now.
: I know what you're thinking. Private had too much sugar and dreamed up a flying whale that doesn't even exist. Kowalski
: Wow! That is what I'm thinking. Skipper
: Sugar dreams and mind-reading powers? How many Winkies did you eat?
: So, after Rico trounces the rats inside Roger's body, we switch them back? Skipper
: Exactly. It's 100% fool-proof. Kowalski
: More precisely, it's 2.7% fool-proof. There's a 97.3% chance that this will backfire and result in a horrific abomination that will be an affront to the most elemental laws of nature and the universe. Skipper
: I like those odds.
: But I really did see a skorca. You've got to believe me! Skipper
: And we wanna believe you, Private, but compare the evidence. Kowalski
: On the sugary-sugar side, we have a box of empty sugar cake wrappers and your own upset tummy. Skipper
: On the skorca's side, nothing. Less than nothing. Kowalski, what's a number less than nothing? Kowalski
: Uh... neg-finity.
: That settles it. Private, you're on aerial recon duty tonight. Private
: By myself? All night? Skipper
: And with potential enemies coming from all sides. It's a solder's paradise.
: It's okay, Mort. We're not going to hurt you. Skipper
: Not true, Private. I did authorize lethal force.
: Ah, hobby day. It's like taking a regular day and making it a Saturday. Private
: But Skipper, it is Saturday. Skipper
: Hmm, it's working already.
: [starts dancing
] That ain't right! Kowalski, analysis. Kowalski
: Skipper, you seem to be shaking your booty. Private
: Quite impressively, I might add. Rico
: Uh-huh! Skipper
: I'm not doing this. Something's making me dance. King Julien
: You... you have my groove! It is not all bye-byed after all! Yes! Skipper
: Get it outta me! King Julien
: I don't know how. Darla
: Guess who does. Mort
: Is it Santa? Darla
: Yea... what? No! I'm the only one who can fix this. But am I gonna? Mort
: Santa would. Darla
: Well, I ain't Santa! Private
: What if Julien apologized? Darla
: That's all I'm asking. King Julien
: Have I not made my policy on apologizing clear? It is for the weak and wrong. Skipper
: Listen, Ringtail. I'm about to show you how weak and wrong you are. Apologize now. King Julien
: Uh-uh. Skipper
: Okay then. Let's dance!
: I can't look away from the raw, savage splendor! Private
: I want to cry, but I don't know if it's because I've never seen anything so beautiful, or anything so horrifying.
: I don't get it. What in the world made me shake my tailfeathers like that? Private
: Maybe Darla's magic was real. Kowalski
: Don't be ridiculous, Private. Cold, hard science negates even the possibility of magic. Private
: Okay, then maybe Skipper has a dancer buried deep inside him. Skipper
: Magic's real. Case closed. Kowalski
: But science... Skipper
: Nope, I said case closed.
: Well, Ringtail, I believe it's time I said a few words. Private
: Oh, no. He wouldn't. Not now. Skipper
: I... told... you... that this plan was brilliant! King Julien
: Say what? Skipper
: What his Majesty knew was that the biggest danger in a crisis situation was blind panic. So he set up this post-apocalyptic-wasteland scenario to keep our minds off of the blackout. Genius!
: Skipper, you gave up an "I told you so." That's the most noble thing I've ever seen. Skipper
: Sometimes, Private, you just have to set your sights a little higher. King Julien
: Yes! Praise me, for I am so much greater than any penguin could ever be! Skipper
: Rico, set the sights a little higher.
[Rico launches a watermelon from a catapult; it lands on Julien
] King Julien
: Aah! I've been meloned! Skipper
: All hail the king.
: Not bad, Private. But had that been a decoy elephant foot loaded with TNT, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation. Private
: How often does that happen, Skipper? Skipper
: Well, why don't we ask Manfredi and Johnson? Oh, we can't, because they fell for the old exploding elephant foot.
: So, what's the trouble, Long Trunks? Burt
: You guys gotta help me. I need to get out of the zoo and across town, today! Private
: Ooh, a breakout. Kowalski
: Complicated by crosstown transport of the world's largest land mammal. Skipper
: That's a pretty tall order, my ginormous friend. May I ask why? Burt
: Let's just say an elephant never forgets. Rico
: Uhh... Skipper
: Ooh, dark and sinister sounding with the classic pachyderm cliché. Big man, you play me like a fiddle.
: Now, if anyone asks, you're name is Frosty Fun Times truck number 26. Kowalski
: You were raised a laundry delivery truck, but on your eighteenth birthday, you decided to follow your dream and never looked back. Private
: Why would anyone ask a truck about... Skipper
: Don't confuse the man with questions, Private. It's a very complicated alias.
: Gentlemen, let's go home. Private
: But Skipper, how are we going to sneak Burt back into the zoo? Skipper
: [Looks at abstract painting in apartment
[Cut to Burt wearing the painting, walking down the street
: Now, if anyone asks, you're the Museum of Modern Art. Burt
: You can call me MoMA.
: I wonder how the rest of Marlene's date went? Skipper
: I'm sure it was a many splendored thing. Kowalski
: Of course. It was scientifically approved. Marlene
: Hi, guys. So, me and Fred? Not happening. Kowalski
: What? Marlene
: Turns out what I thought was him being funny was actually just him being... Skipper
: Dumb as a sack of hammers? Marlene
: Let's just say I did not hear Spanish guitar when we were together. Kowalski
: But, but science let us to him. Science said he was perfect. Science! Why have you forsaken me?
: [the penguins discover some photos pinned on Burt's habitat
] Well, this is, uh, disturbing, to me. Anyone else? Private
: I'm disturbed as well, Skipper. Kowalski
: [Focusing on a photo of a kid
] Look at that kid with the kazoo. Could it be? The legendary Kid Kazoo? Rico
: Kid Kazoo? Kowalski
: You know, Kid Kazoo? The scourge of the Central Park Zoo? Surely you've heard the tales. He was a Sunday regular, a real piece of work, with a smile like a bear trap, and a laugh like a deranged birthday clown. But the sickest thing was that kazoo, screeching incessantly like a kindergarten orchestra. Private
: That sounds horrible, Kowalski. Kowalski
: Kazoos always do, Private. But no one had it worse than poor Burt. With those jumbo-sized ears, that constant buzzing was unbearable. He hated that kazoo! I wonder what ever happened to the little maniac? Skipper
: [Looks at a picture of an adult man
] Wait a minute. Look at those shifty eyes. That devious half-smile. Those kazoo-kissed lips. Kowalski
: By Newton's apple, you're right! It's Kid Kazoo all grown up! Rico
: Wow! Private
: Burt really knows how to hold a grudge. For years, apparently.
: We just thought an otter alone in the big city might be... Marlene
: What? Skipper
: Lonely! The soul-crushing solitude must be eating you alive! Marlene
: Right. But why the sudden interest in my love life? Kowalski
: All right, we needed a guinea pig, and you were the closest species. Genetically speaking.
: You do know about koalas, do you, Private? Private
: Aside from their fuzzy cuteness, no. Skipper
: Me neither. Kowalski, enlighten us. Kowalski
: Koala: a herbivorous nocturnal marsupial. Skipper
: In Americano, please. Kowalski
: They eat nothing but leaves, the ladies carry their young in pouches, and they sleep all day. Skipper
: Oh. A hippie.
: What would Leonardo DaVinci do? Private
: Paint a haunting portrait of a woman smiling enigmatically? Skipper
: Couldn't hurt, I guess. Kowalski
: [makes a flying device out of trash
] Create and innovate!
: I was just trying to help. Leonard
: You call this helping? What's your idea of not helping? Skipper
: You don't want to know.
: We're just trying to help. Leonard
: Help? You want to help? Then don't help! Skipper
: We don't take orders, we give orders. Kowalski
: Yes, that is the traditional rescuer-rescuee relationship.
: It appears to be a Hoboken surprise. Private
: Maybe it's a unicorn! Skipper
: Private, the transfer is from New Jersey, not Rainbow Ponyland.
: How come I always have to be the bait? Skipper
: Because you're gullible and expendable. That's a two-fer.
: Kowalski, just what are we looking at here? Kowalski
: Isn't it obvious? Private
: Looks like a regular old fish to me. Kowalski
: That's because it is.
[Private turns to Rico, who shrugs "I don't know"
: Fantastic. Uh, thanks for clearing that up, Kowalski. Meeting adjourned. Kowalski
: No, wait! It's a regular fish now, but when I zap it with my super ray, it will be a super fish. When we eat the super fish, we will get stronger bones, denser muscle mass, and best of all, remarkably shiny feathers. Skipper
: Aces, Kowalski! And here I thought you'd finally cracked.
: Keep an eye on him. I think he's finally cracked.
: Kowalski tell me you've got that antidote figured out. Kowalski
: Yeah, I... got nothing. No matter what I do, the formula's molecular structure fails to achieve low-energy orbitals. Private
: [tastes the antidote
] Hmm, tart. Have you tried adding sugar? Kowalski
: Private, please. This is an intricate problem that requires that...
[gasps in realization
: Sugar! Of course! That's the answer! The monosaccaride will stablelize the entire solution! Skipper
: [high-ones Private
] Good work, Private. Private
: Yes, well, I thought it needed the monostereo... thing.
: Stay alert, men. We might not be dealing with 115.384 otters at all. We could be dealing with one enormous mutated 1,500-pound otter. Kowalski
: Or we could be dealing with six fairly large, semi-mutated 250-pound otters. Private
: Or 1,500 tiny one-pound otters. Right, Skipper? Skipper
: I like where your head's at, Private. Marlene
: Yeah, it's so not an otter. Skipper
: Is it because of how horribly mutated it is? Marlene
: What? No! Because it's a walrus. Kowalski
: For the record, is this walrus mutated in any way?
: What you lemurs do with your feet is your own business. But when you terrorize the entire zoo, it becomes ours. Private
: Um, Skipper, seeing as we turned Mort into the threat, isn't it already our problem? Skipper
: Not now, Private.
: Don't you guys ever knock? Kowalski
: Skipper thought you should see this. Private
: The zoo transfer papers. Kowalski
: According to this, your interloper - er, roommate - arrived in port this morning, on a class-F freigher. Marlene
: And? Private
: A class-F freigher is for animals weighing 1,500 pounds or more. Kowalski
: If the average otter weighs 13 pounds, that means exactly 115.384 otters are headed this way.
: I'm normal me again... And I like me! King Julien
: Yes, and I hope you learned a lesson of value. Being a bully is no good. Maurice
: Wait a minute! You used Mort to bully everyone else! King Julien
: Maurice, we don't play the blame game here. Private
[King Julien looks up and notices the giant Private glaring at him
] King Julien
: All of the blame is mine! Just don't sit upon me!
: All power lines run directly under the lemur habitat, right next to these water pipes. Theoretically... Private
: Maurice has shut down power and water to all the habitats. He can control everything now! Kowalski
: Wow. My theory was just about jerry-rigging a giant make-shift hot tub. This is much worse.
: I'm just heading over the the reptile house to welcome the new neighbors. No one's seen them yet. I figure they're just shy. You want to come with? Skipper
: Not without the proper recon, Marlene. We could be dead a thousand times over in that new habitat. Venemous vipers, bloodthirsty... Private
: Badgers? Skipper
: Flying piranha! Marlene
: Okay, yeah. Piranha don't fly. Skipper
: That's just what Manfredi and Johnson said back in Ecuador. We buried what was left of them with a teaspoon.
: Listen up, lemur. Maurice ate those bad nuts. He went off the deep end. Kowalski
: He's turned the lemur habitat into an armed fortress. Private
: He's enslaved the entire zoo! King Julien
: I cannot be believing my ears. Maurice ate my lychee nuts!
: But if you're all cured, why are you still in the hospital? King Julien
: Because this vibrating bed is awesome!
: Pop quiz, troops! What can't we trust? Kowalski
: Three-day-old mung beans. Skipper
: Right. What else can't we trust? Private
: Badgers! Skipper
: What? Private
: Maybe that's just me.
[Both Marlene and Private are trapped by tentacles; Kowalski can't decide which to save
: Private is part of the team. But Marlene has vital information. Then again, Private owes me five bucks... Marlene
: Kowalski! Private
[Both are pulled away
: No! Curse you, brain!
: Fortunes are mere superstitions. King Julien
: Yes, these stitions are super, and that is why you must listen to them! This is a curse. Your friend has been given a misfortune cookie! Private
: A what? King Julien
: A misfortune cookie. It is like a regular fortune cookie, except it is filled with hate, and bile!... and sugar... and evil! Private
: Oh! That doesn't sound good. Except for the sugar part. King Julien
: You need the sugar, or the bile will overwhelm the flavor.
: Kowalski, report. Kowalski
: The robot... Rico
: Boom. King Julien
: Aaaagh! What - what has been done by you to my poor Lemmy? Kowalski
: Well, we... It was an accident. Private
: We didn't mean to blow him up. Rico
: Kablamo! King Julien
: He was the only robot I was ever loving. Skipper
: We're sorry, Ringtail. We just knew what was best. Rico
: Kablamo! King Julien
: Kablowing him up was the best? Rico
: Kablamo! Skipper
: Okay, we said we knew what was best. We just didn't do what was best.
[Julien leaves, crestfallen
: Skipper, I feel bad about this. Skipper
: Same here, young Private. Kowalski
: It's as if there's a deep, dark abyss in the center of your soul, and all that is light and good in the world is slipping into it. Rico
: Yup. Kowalski
: This must be what it feels like when you've done the wrong thing. Private
: We've never done the wrong thing before. I don't like it.
: This is madness. Utter madness! That robot has to be decisive, forceful, able to take down an armed space squid from 50 yards. Private
: Right. Skipper
: You can't boogie your way out of a Martian invasion. Those space squids play for keeps. Private
: But what can we do about it? Skipper
: We need to extract that robot away from Julien's sick schooling, and teach him the penguin way. Kowalski
: Yes! We are getting a robot! Skipper
: Affirmative. Private
: But how do we get the robot away from Julien? Mort
: [Steps out of the shadows, speaks in onminous tone
] Leave that to me. Skipper
: Um... okay. Mort
: Rico, get a hold of yourself. Fortunes don't mean anything. Private
: But Skipper, yours did. Skipper
: That's called the exception that proves the rule. Private
: And mine. Skipper
: The other exception that... Private
: And Kowalski's Skipper
: All right, they were exceptional cookies! That still doesn't mean anything.
: Guys, we've just made a very spoiled, very obnoxious lemur very happy. Private
: And that's a good thing... innit?
Private the Penguin
: [landing in Antarctica
] Well. This sucks.
] Private the Penguin
: Skipper. Shouldn't we tell them that the boat is out of gas? Skipper the Penguin
: Nah! Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
[all four penguins waving
Private the Penguin
: [the penguins are in Antarctica and there is just a lot of wind and a big mound of snow
] Well, this sucks!
Skipper the Penguin
: Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. Kowalski, progress report. Kowalski the Penguin
: [In a hole
] We're only 500 feet from the main sewer line. Skipper the Penguin
: And the bad news? Kowalski the Penguin
: [laying a broken plastic spoon at Skipper's feet
] We've broken our last shovel. Skipper the Penguin
: Right. Rico, you're on litter patrol. We need shovels, and find more Popsicle sticks. We don't want to risk another cave-in. Private the Penguin
: And me, Skipper? Skipper the Penguin
: I want you to act cute and cuddly, Private. Today we're gonna blow this dump.
Marty the Zebra
: What are you guys doing? Private the Penguin
: We're digging to Antartica!
[Skipper smacks Private
] Marty the Zebra
: An-who-tica? Skipper the Penguin
: Can you keep a secret, my monochromatic friend?
[Marty looks around and nods
] Skipper the Penguin
: Do you ever see any penguins running free around New York City?
[Marty shakes his head
] Skipper the Penguin
: Of course not. We don't belong here. It's just not natural. This is all some kind of wacked out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of Antarctica! To the wild!
Skipper the Penguin
: Status. Private the Penguin
: [walking on the computer keyboard
] It's no good, Skipper. I don't know the codes. Skipper the Penguin
: Don't give me excuses!
] Skipper the Penguin
: Give me results!
] Skipper the Penguin
: Not to worry, men. There's more than one way to make a penguin puke his guts out. Private
: How many...? Skipper
: Seventeen. Just don't ever ask to see number twelve.
: Winner gets the loser's car. Private
: Why would you want two cars? King Julien
: One for commuting, one for weekend errands around town. Skipper
: Better stock up on subway tokens. We race tonight at 12 o'clock! King Julien
: Make it... midnight! Wait, wait. When's my pedicure? Maurice
: Midnight. King Julien
: Can we make it 12:15? Does 12:15 work for you?
[Kowalski looks at his board and nods to Skipper
: Fine. 12:15.
: Whistling. Awfully cheery for someone pushing a suspicuously human-shaped sack. Wouldn't you say? Private
: I don't know, Skipper. Sometimes a good whistle makes me feel like a pretty little butterfly.
[Rico starts to retch
: Can the sweet talk, Private. You know Rico has gooey love mush sensitivity.
: So that's their game. Blowing us up one by one with unregurgitatable gut bombs. Horrified, yet impressed. Kowalski
: It's so obvious. I should have seen it coming. I'm sorry, Rico. I blame myself. Private
: No Rico! No... Skipper
: Not Rico! Not anybody! Kowalski, status report. Kowalski
: 22 minutes, 46 seconds. Skipper
: Then we've got 22 minutes and 45 seconds to get that bomb out of our buddy's belly. Rico, my friend, we are gonna teach you to spew again!
: I smuggled this out of the souvenir gift shop. Kowalski
: A nature documentary? Skipper
: Wait for it.
] Documentary Narrator
: This is Antarctica. Icy home to the playful penguin. Private
: Hey, that looks like uncle Nigel.
[Roaring from documentary
] Documentary Narrator
: Who become prey to the insatiable bloodthirst of this leopard seal. Kowalski
: Oh, that image will haunt me! Skipper
: It's just a boring... documentary. Documentary Narrator
: Betcha can't eat just one, Mr. Seal.
: Well, Rico, looks like it's game over. I never thought it would end this way, but I just want you to know... I love you, you crazy knucklehead. Kowalski
: I also love you, in the same way expressed previously... dude. Private
: [Hugging Rico
] I love you too, Rico!
[Rico starts to retch
: [Inside Rico
] And I love this popcorn. It's a little wet, though.
[Rico's stomach rumbles
] King Julien
: Eh, what is that noise? Skipper
: [breaking down
] I'm not good with words - well, actually, neither are you - but I just wanna say... you are my brother! Kowalski
: That's poetry, Skipper. King Julien
: I don't know about him, but this mush is making me want to blow chunks. Skipper
: Do you mind? Private
: Wherever the sun lays its head, there the land will whisper, "Rico. Rico." Kowalski
: [breaking down
] Okay, now that's poetry!
[They all cry and hug each other; Julien joins in; they all glare at him
] King Julien
: I just want to see a penguin throw up.
: Men, I have here a fresh scarlet snapper, and it's yours for the taking. All you have to do is come and get it. Private
: But Skipper, the floor's covered with mousetraps. Skipper
: Razor-sharp observation there, young Private. Kowalski
: This will complicate fish acqusition. Skipper
: This snapper goes to whoever has the wits, the cunning, and the agility...
[Rico just rushes through and takes the fish, covered in mousetraps
: Or Rico. It goes to Rico.
: I guess my life will just be caramel apples, cotton candy and lollipops. Private
: Yum! Randy
: ...stuck to my wolly butt! Private
: Oh. Yuck. Rico
: Oh... Yum!
: Well, I call that mission accomplished. So, what do we do with the rest of our day? Private
: Oh! We could get temporary tattoos, and, um, motocycle club nicknames. Rico
: Vroom! Vroo-vroo-vroom, vroom! Kowalski
: I'll be Bobby Thunderskull! Skipper
: All in favor of Private's tattoos and nicknames plan say... Maurice
] Waaugh! Kowalski
: Waaugh! Um... we should probably do something.
: He's putting on an adorably phoney British accent. Skipper
: Just like the Private. Private
: Phoney? This is how I really talk! Skipper
: Sure it is... guv'na.
: Exercise complete. Kowalski
: As I suspected. A stuffed bunny. Skipper
: Yes, but why didn't you hit it? Kowalski
: What? But it's... Private
: We thought this was an exercise on where to apply force. Skipper
: Oh, it was.
[a crossbow pops out of the bunny
: How did you get a crossbow inside... Skipper
: I know a man in Havana. He doesn't ask questions, and neither do I.
: Let's try a little role playing. Pretend I'm Phil. Mason
: A bit of a reach, but very well. Private
: Now pretend I just made a mess. Mason
: Oh, Phil, another mess, which I have to clean up. King Julien
: No, no! That is all wrong!
[Jumps around like a monkey
] King Julien
: Ooh, ooh! I sure do like a tire swing! Ooh! Skipper
: It's uncanny. Kowalski
: I know. Private
: Now do me! King Julien
[Jumps like monkey again
] King Julien
: Ooh, ooh! I sure do like stinky fish! Ooh!
: They're behaving like animals. Skipper
: Private, please. They're behaving like mammals. Let's not lump birds and reptiles in with this crowd.
[Skipper is blindfolded and holding a pin
: Take your time, Skipper. There is no right or wrong answer.
[Skipper puts a pin on the picture in front of him and takes off the blind fold; the picture has a monster truck on one side, and a pink pony on the other; the pin is on the pony
: Madam? Skipper
[attacks the picture
: I see we're in stage two, anger. Next, we should see bargaining. Skipper
: Hey, Private. How's about we trade DNA results? Come on. Private
: Skipper, I don't think that's how it... Kowalski
: Depression... Skipper
: [rolling on the floor, crying
] My life is over! It's over! It's over, over, over! Kowalski
: And finally, acceptance. Skipper
: Well, I guess you got to play the hand you're dealt. Rico, hit me with a pretty pink bow.
: I think a wonderful way to begin would be to say something positive about Phil. Mason
: Very well. I am positive that Phil is disgusting and inconsiderate.
: What did he say? Kowalski
: No idea. Mason
: Go pound bananas? Rico
: Ooooh! Kowalski
: Tell it like it is, primate! Skipper
: You go!
: But how could Alice be so wrong about there being a girl penguin? Skipper
: Ah, she's a mammal. Everyone knows they're all morons. Marlene
: What? Private
: [Holds Marlene back
] We'll work on that one later.
: A computer is a machine the people use to avoid work, mainly by watching silly little videos. Maurice
: You're saying those cameras are there so the whole world can watch us? Skipper
: Like hawks! Kowalski
: Except for the swooping down and devouring us part. Private
: This madness ends now! Private
: Hello, Skipper. Care for a bite? Skipper
: We're busting you out, Private. Private
: Oh, I don't think that's possible, Skipper. Between the slipping and the falling I'm booked solid. Skipper
: Just as I feared. You've been brainwashed. Private
: I've been brainwashed? Skipper
: Yes, you've been brainwashed. Private
] Brainwashed. Skipper
: You don't want your brain washed. Private
: I don't want my brain washed.
: Here's the plan: we give them zip. Nobody move a muscle. Private
: Uh, Skipper? I-I really need to... Skipper
: Go, go, go!
[Private leaves; offscreen toilet flush; Private returns
: Much better. Thank you.
: [starting to crack with hunger
] The tastetiness! Skipper
: We're losing Private. Rico, talk some sense into him.
[Rico slaps Private
: Thanks, Skipper. Skipper
: I knew you'd listen to reason.
: Glad to have you back, Private. Private
: Thanks, Skipper. Although I do miss the Flippy lifestyle. Skipper
: Still a little brainwashed, I see? Rico?
[Rico slaps Private
: Much better, Skipper.
: Eggnog at 2100 hours, writing our names in the snow at 2105. Private
: Thanks for rescuing me, Skipper. Skipper
: Think nothing of it, young Private. It's the least we could do. You remember the Penguin Credo. Private
: What does deep-frying in Bisquick have to do with any of this? Skipper
: Not that one, the other one! "Never swim alone!" Alone! On Christmas! Don't you get it? Come on people, do I have to explain this to everybody?
[the old lady's dog, Mr. Chew, starts eating Private's Christmas sock, while Private's in it
: Nice doggy! Good Doggy! No, good boy! No! No! Don't eat me! No!
[Mr. Chew comes closer to Private and Private starts to panic
: Leave me alone! Don't eat me! AAAH!
[Skipper, Kowalski and Rico break in through a window, landing safely on a table
: Santa Claus has come to town! Private
: Ooh, Skipper.
: But no-one should be sad and alone on Christmas! Skipper
: Exactly! So throw those troubles away and be merry!
: He looks so sad. Skipper
: Rico, I want that tree up to muster.
: Skipper, there's a scary man! Skipper
: Well, gentlemen, it looks like they finally found me. Those Danes really know how to hold a grudge.
: Private, options. Kowalski
: Hello? I'm the options guy! Skipper
: But not when it comes to matters of the heart. That's where young Private here shines. Kowalski
: True, I have trouble understanding emotions, and feelings, and... women. Skipper
: Yeah. Duh. Private, you're on! Private
: Well, let's see... Marlene
: Come on, Private. You know what to do. Moonlight, guitar, oysters! Private
: Sorry, Marlene, but I was thinking that Phil could show off his machismo. Skipper
: Machismo! Español! I like it!
: Reach for the skies, chimps! Lulu
: What...? Mason
: Egad, penguin desperados, and they've got sticks! Kowalski
: Aargh! That's right, matey, and ooh, argh! Shiver me timbers, and orgh, eergh, argh! Private
: Kowalski, we're supposed to be desperados, not pirates. Kowalski
[Rico sighs and leaps forward to attack
: The point is, we want all your bananas! Private
: And there's no one here tough enough to stop us! Skipper
: [Pointing at Mason
] Certainly not this milksop. Lulu
: Hold on now. Mason may not be tough, but me... I'm from Hoboken!
[Beats up penguins
: Egad, Phil! Don't be rash! Private
: What is it? Mason
: Phil is going to... speak to her. Skipper
: Biscuits and gravy! We didn't run a scenario for that!
: I don't know, Marlene, but I don't think that's quite the way to capture a chimp's heart.
[Suddenly the penguins pop out of a grate
: You heard the chimp, men! We need a way to capture the lady chimp's heart. Kowalski, you... Marlene
: Hello? Mason came to me for advice, therefore it's my mission, not yours. Kowalski
: Ah, but use of the word "capture" automatically makes this a penguin operation. Private
: Sorry, Marlene. Those are the rules.
: You don't understand. I haven't had a scientific breakthrough in weeks. Private
: What about your shrink ray? Kowalski
: Pfft! Small potatoes. Useless! Skipper
: I don't know. We could whip us up a batch of teeny-tiny French fries.
: [after Jiggles absorbs Julien
] Kowalski, give me lemur extraction options, stat! Kowalski
: Don't you see? Julien was a Jiggles hater! You know what happens to Jiggles haters!
[Rico whispers "cuckoo"
: This is what happens when you hate on my monster! Skipper
: Aha! So you admit you made a monster. Kowalski
: The good kind of monster. My kind! Skipper
: [Slaps Kowalski
] You gotta snap out of it, Kowalski! Kowalski
: Oh! Oh I see. You're all haters now! Well, see you later, science haters!
[Climbs on Jiggles as it crawls away
: He called us haters. That makes me sad, Skipper.
: Uh... Private
: Kowalski... Skipper
: Should we be concerned? Kowalski
: About what, Skipper? Skipper
: Oh, I don't know. Let's start with your monster! Kowalski
: Monster is a tad judgemental, isn't it? Skipper
: I call them as I see them. Kowalski
: Just because Jiggles has no central nervous system doesn't mean he has no feelings. Skipper
: He's a big blob of mad science, man! Kowalski
: Well, if he wasn't before, this scientist is mad now!
: It is all clear to me now. Jiggles is a mindless monster on a ravenous rampage. King Julien
: [Running away
] Best of luck with that! Kowalski
: I don't need luck. I need my friends. Skipper
: Present and accounted for. Private
: As long as you take back that hater remark.
: Skipper, hasn't Kitka's behavior seemed a little strange this week? Skipper
: Strangely attractive, or strangely compelling? Kowalski
: Skipper, I believe Private meant strange in the "Oh, sweet mercy, we are going to be torn to shreds and swallowed into a churning cauldron of digestive juices!" sort of way.
: Incoming missile! Kitka
: Look out! Private
: Skipper, did that missile just tell us to look out? Skipper
: What kind of fresh madness is this?
: Forget it, you two. They always pick Private. Adorableness is his secret weapon. Marlene
: Secret weapon? Skipper
: Sure, we all have one. Mine is fearless moxie, Kowalski's is scientific genius, Rico's is psychotic derangement, and Private's is adorableness. Private
: Gee, Skipper, I think anyone can be on the cover. All you have to do is believe.
: See? Secret weapon.
: [to ghost Mort, after finding the real Mort safe and sound
] So... Mort
: I am a figment of your guilty imagimanation.
[Skipper and Private are using View Masters to look out
: What do you see, Private? Private
: The majestic Grand Canyon. Skipper
: I've got my eye on some kid and his beagle in a pumpkin patch. What a blockhead.
: Looks like someone got a new circuit board. Kowalski
: Yes, state of the art processor, hollah! Private
: So where did you get it? Kowalski
: Uh, I...
: Come again? Kowalski
: I got it from...
: You got it from where? Kowalski
: I took it from Mort's video game, all right? I stole from poor, innocent Mort to fuel my own scientific ambitions! But it was totally worth it. See?
[Turns on psychotron
: [thoughts transmitted from psychotron
] Oh, Kowalski. How could you? Skipper
: [Thoughts transmitted from phsychotron
] This side of you makes me want to throw up in my beak! Rico
: [Thoughts transmitted from psychotron
] Fiiiiish! Kowalski
: [Thoughts transmitted from psychotron
] They're right. I'm a monster. A selfish monster! Kowalski
: Oh, what have I done?
[Throws psychotron across room; King Julien enters and poses next to psychotron
] King Julien
: [thoughts transmitted from psychotron
] I would look good in pantaloons. King Julien
: Yes, I agree with the voice that sounds like me. Pantaloons would accent my regality, but that is not why I'm here.
: What are you doing, Private? Private
: Following the rules of the road. Skipper
: That's no way to treat fuel-injected nitro-charged motorized mayhem. Out of the car!
: If I didn't know any better, I'd say that car has it in for Rico. Kowalski
: Oh, Private. There you go, anthropomorphizing the inanimate, again. Skipper
: That's a lot of egghead jibber-jabber, but that doesn't explain why our car is after Rico.
: Skipper, I hope this isn't insubordination, but I'm going to wipe the ice with you. Skipper
: I like your sass.
: Commence adorable high-jinks now! Go, go go! Kowalski
: Executing waddling with strange yet oddly-endearing body shakes. Private
: Pretending to lose my balance and face-plant into the pool now. Skipper
: I got belly sliding duty. Let's make it extra cute and cuddly today, boys.
: How's the catch of the day, men? Private
: Looks fishy, Skipper. Skipper
: Fish are supposed to look fishy. Kowalski
: No, I think he means "fishy". Skipper
: Good "fishy" or bad "fishy"? Private
: [Shows Skipper the fish-shaped soy cakes
] Definitely bad "fishy".
: I want confirmation that there is food in that truck. Private
: [He and Rico are inside a K-9 unit truck
] Affirmative, but it looks like the food is us!
: They've captured Roger! Kowalski
: He's off to the greybar hotel. Private
: They're putting him in a hotel? That sounds nice. Maybe they'll give him a nice room, with a mint on his pillow. Skipper
: [Pats Private on the head
] We're canceling Roger's reservation.
: Kowalski, wheelman. Rico, gas. Private, music. Private
: Smooth jazz or adult contemporary? Skipper
: Let's... classic rock this chase!
: You heard him, he plans to drop one on the commisioner before the ribbon is cut. The clock... is... ticking! Private
: So, were the dramatic pauses really necessary? Skipper
: [Dramatic pause
: Now that's what I call poo-etic justice. You see what I did there? I played with a word. Skipper
: Yes, Private, we're all amused by your toilet humor. Very classy. Private
: Oh, sorry, Skipper. Poo. Tee-hee!
: Don't tell me you're all afraid of a little fish. Kowalski
: Not just any fish, Skipper. The snakehead trout. It's an invasive species that devours everything in its path, leaving nothing but despair and tragedy in its wake.
[Private, Rico and Kowalski look at picture of trout and run away screaming
: It's... a... fish! We... eat... fish! Kowalski
: Yes! But this unholy beast flips the very order of nature. Private
: It's as if our dinner is having us for dinner!
: Teeth! So many sharp, jagged teeth! Kowalski
: It was those black, soulless eyes that got me. Skipper
: Rico, get a load of these two yellow bellies. Rico
: [cowering behind a block
] Yeah! Yellow bellies. He-he. Skipper
: Don't tell me you're afraid too. Rico
: I'm so ashamed. Private
: Me too. Rico
: Uh-huh. Kowalski
: Not so ashamed that I'd go out there. Private
: Gosh, no! Rico
: [the penguins are watching TV; Marlene steps in front of it
] Guys, there's a rumor going around that they're closing down the zoo, permanently! Private
: Doesn't that otter on TV look just like Marlene?
[Kowalski and Rico mumble in agreement
: Nah. Marlene has a giant, misshapen...
[Marlene turns off TV
: Marlene! How did you get in here?
: Skipper, how cold is it? Skipper
: Kowalski? Kowalski
: I'm not certain, but I'd put the over-under at 17 degrees Fahrenheit.
: The freezing point of snot. Private
: I've lost all feeling in my left cheek, Skipper. Skipper
: That's my cheek, Private, and it's the right one. But don't worry. This joker can't hold out much longer.
[the professor turns on a space heater
: I stand corrected.
: Kowalski, analysis. Kowalski
: Ankle bracelets with tracking devices. They can monitor our every move. Skipper
: That ain't gonna fly! No one can know our whereabouts at any time, not even us. Rico, hacksaw me!
[Rico hocks out a hacksaw, Skipper catches it
: Skipper, are you going to saw off the bracelet? Skipper
: Bracelet? I was just going to saw off my foot. But you might have something there, Private. Kowalski
: Wait, Skipper! Tamper-proof lining. If you cut the bracelet, it would break and set off the alarm. Skipper
: Well, men, it looks like we've got us a waiting game. Kowalski
: I'm afraid we don't have time to wait, Skipper. We left the air conditioning room before I could install the cooling attachment. Without it, the heat inside the furnace will built up until... Rico
: Kaboom! Private
] Oh dear.
: The scientist's getting suspicious, Skipper. Skipper
: Enough with the smoke and mirrors! It's time we started acting like penguins! Private
: But we only know the smile-and-wave routine. What else do penguins do? Skipper
: I don't have the faintest.
: Private, give me some penguin material. Private
: Okay... first peck on the ground. Now bob your head. Now get a running start, flap your wings and fly away! Oh, wait. That's pigeons.
: In case of a loss of oxygen, please place your masks over your faces to hide your terrified expressions from the other passengers.
: Operation tourist trap is a go. Private
: Oh, I like that one, that's a good one. Kowalski
: It works on many levels, sir. Skipper
: You guys are a bunch of suck-ups. Kowalski
: That too, sir. Private
: Oh, absolutely, sir.
: In case we go down, place the lifejacket over your head, pull the sting, and kiss your kids good-bye.
: [Popping sounds are coming from a crate
] Evasive action. We have enemy movement. Private
: Skipper, we're taking fire! Skipper
: We're also giving some. Right, Rico?
[Rico spits out a flame thrower and aims it at crate
: Steady, boys. Get ready to toast this marshmallow!
[Crate opens to reveal Julien with a popcorn container
] King Julien
: Ha ha! Popcorn anyone? It's fresh. Private
: Julien? Kowalski
: How did he get here? King Julien
: I mailed myself super platinum premier overnight express. This is how a king is to be rolling.
[the penguins are inside a box mailed to the plush factory
: Kowalski, report. Kowalski
: It's dark. Skipper
: I concur. Rico, weapons check.
[Sound of Rico regurgitating several items
: Outstanding! Private, sound off. Private
: Uh... Are we there yet? Skipper
: Not yet, Private. Wait for it... Wait for it... Aaaand... Move out, now!
[They storm out; they are still at the mailbox
: Right. Back in the box.
: [about a stack of Private plush dolls
] Check it out. Looks like the zoo has a new best seller. Skipper
: Well, will you look at that. Kudos, Private.
[Slaps Private on the back; he falls over, revealing that he's actually a plush doll
: Private? Private? Private
: [Back at the factory, running on the conveyor belt
] Hello? Anybody?
: Private, these sardine smoothies are top-notch. What's your secret? Private
: Love, sir. I made them with love. The Skipper
: Love? Kowalski
: It's a chemical reaction in the brain inducing bliss. Highly addictive. The Skipper
: [knocks the smoothie from Rico's wing
] No more love in the smooties! We gotta stay sharp. The concrete jungle is an elusive mistress who may call us into action at any given moment.
[Maurice and the penguins are in a subway railroad
: Gotta... rest. The Skipper
: No dice. We need to be back at the zoo by 0900. Kowalski
: Which doesn't give us much time. Private
: We should go faster. Maurice
: There is no way I can go any faster. The Skipper
: Oh, I'll bet the old D-train will change your tune.
[the penguins slide along the rails
: The what?
[a subway train approaches; Maurice runs faster to avoid it
: Scuff marks from a portly lemur. My guess, he stumbled backwards. But why? Kowalski
: Perhaps a localized seismic event of unknown origin, Skipper. Private
: Or maybe the camera's flash blinded him. The Skipper
: Sounds a little preposterous, Private. But just in case... Kowalski, run a temporarily blinded portly lemur scenario, pronto. Kowalski
: Stand right here, Rico.
[after some calculations, pushes Rico off the ledge; he bounces off the inflatable castle and lands on a trashcan
: That confirms our target fell into this waste receptacle. The Skipper
: El excelente! I know exactly what happened. Into the can, men.
: Ah, closing time. Are there two sweeter words known to man or beast? Private
: Puppy love? Rico
: Ka... boom? Kowalski
: Plutonium-fueled-DNA-mutating-abomination-monster maker. Rico
: Huh? Kowalski
: The first word's hypenated. Skipper
: Yeah, yeah, all good. But the words I was thinking of were... Little Girl
: My dolly! Private
] Skipper? Skipper
: That wasn't me! That was... Little Girl
: I lost my dolly! Skipper
: Hot-molded plastic! Dolly down! Rescue operation is a go, go, go!
: [French accent
] Oh, Skipper, mon ami! What a pleasant surprise... Skipper
: Don't mon ami me! You took advantage of our good nature! Kowalski
: Not to mention all the citizens of the zoo. Archie
: [Drops accent
] Look, it's not what you think... Private
: Even your charming French accent... was a lie! How could you? Archie
: Yeah, about that. Well, you see... Look out! Leopard seal! Skipper
: Hit the dirt!
[the penguins duck, as Archie runs away
: Blast! He duped us. Kowalski
: And we fell for it like a couple of first-year hatchlings.
: You're a dirty, dirty liar! And your pants are on fire! Rico
: Whoa! Private
: And - and you go jump up and touch a telephone wire! That's what a dirty liar you are! Skipper
: Stand down, Private. We'll take it from here. Archie
: Thanks. Some of those things he said were really hurtful. Skipper
: Mister, you're just entering a world of hurt! Kowalski, hurt options. Kowalski
: The Vulcan towel snap? Skipper
: Possibly. Go on. Kowalski
: The Spanish wet willie? Skipper
: Intriguing. Kowalski
: The Croatian purple nurple? Skipper
: Bingo! Gentlemen, we have a winner. Rico, do the honors.
: He's turned the helmet's power capacitor up to ten. I kept it at a cool five, good enough for my own highly developed intelect. But ten is too powerful for Julien's simple mind. Private
: What does that mean? Kowalski
: It just means that Julien's chaotic thoughts will destroy us all. Skipper
: Kowalski, have you ever invented anything that hasn't eventually threatened to destroy us all? Kowalski
: Let me think, um... no.
: Gentlemen, Rico is a danger to himself and others. We never leave a madman behind. King Julien
: Too late, silly penguin! Already he is going to expand my kingdom with the most mayhemiest destructo machine ever!
[Rico stands at the lemur habitat, buzzing
] King Julien
: Eh, why is he just standing there? Skipper
: You maniac! You let him go too far! He's built up too much psychotic pressure! King Julien
: Uh, what? Private
: Don't you see? Rico *is* the destructo machine!
[Rico suddenly starts destroying everything in the lemur habitat
: You did the right thing, Julien. Eventually. When you had no other choice. Uh, good job.
: What are we going to do, Skipper? Skipper
: Kowalski has been working on a little top secret project. It's untested, maybe even dangerous.
[Starts pushing a series of complicated controls
: Prepare yourself for what you are about to see, Private.
[Pushes one last button, a platform appears in the middle of the room
: Skipper, is that...? Skipper
: That's right. A six-foot long whacking stick. Barry won't know what hit him. Private
: Skipper, isn't there a less violent solution? Skipper
: Probably, but I wanna see what this baby can do.
: [Private appears wearing a metal suit
] It's time you and I got... in touch. Take this!
[Jumps at Private; nothing happened
: And this!
[Jumps Private again
: Huh? I can't... Private
: You can't touch me, but I can touch you. Barry
: No! Get away from me!
[Private shoots a suction cup dart at Barry and reels him in
: Now I'm going to do something no one has ever done to you before. Barry
: No! Private
: Give you a big hug! Barry
: Uh... what? Private
: I'd be a grumpy gus too if no one ever hugged me. Barry
: Hum. This hugging is nice. Maybe a hug is all I really needed... or maybe I'm just a big jerk who likes to bully other animals. Private
: Oh, well in that case, I can just pop you like a grape. Barry
: No, no! Hugging's fine! Actually, I'm liking the hug.
: How can we touch someone who's untouchable? King Julien
: It is a riddle, like which do you eat first, the chicken or the egg? I say the eggs, because they are breakfast foods. Maurice
: That's not the way it goes. King Julien
: So you're saying the chicken first? It does make a nice base for the eggs.
: Somebody wanna tell me what just happened here? Kowalski
: The answer is obvious. Marlene has fallen victim to... the mind control satellites that circle our Earth. Protective headgear, everyone! Private
: Gee, I think she's just gone wild. Skipper
: Right. I'm declaring red level emergency. Search and rescue, men. Private
: Um, Skipper? does this mean we're not getting snow cones? Skipper
: Private! How can you even ask that at a time like this?
[Cut to the penguins eating snowcones
: We're going for yummy snow cones. Wanna come? Marlene
: Yeah! Snow cones? Snow cones are the best! And real quick, a snow cone is? Kowalski
: 72.4% shaved ice, 15.2% flavored syrup, 12.4% paper, of which 8.7% is recycled.
: The truth is, there is nothing to fear from the outside world. Kowalski
: Other than random street crime... Private
: And natural disasters... Kowalski
: Industrial accidents... Private
: Badger attacks... Skipper
: Are you two finished? Kowalski
: Falling space debris? Um, I'm finished.
: Maurice thinks he can bribe us with his piñata promises. Pity for him, penguins are not for sale. Right, men? Private
: I wonder what's in that piñata? I bet it's full of butterscotch lollies and sour balls. Kowalski
: I'd say we're looking at a 50/50 mix of gummy fish and candy buttons. Rico
: Yay, buttons! Skipper
: We may never know, because today we are performing scheduled maintenance on the HQ. Kowalski
: Perhaps we can reschedule? Skipper
: We can't just reschedule scheduled maintenance that's been scheduled, right here on the schedule.
: Up next, the King Julien Day traditional tossing of the fruit. Private
: Tossing of the fruit? Marlene
: Tossing it where, exactly?
[Marlene gets a melon to the face
: At you, exactly.
: What's your name, soldier? Private
: Private. Skipper
: What's your rank? Private
: Private. Skipper
: What's your secret shame? Private
: Private! Skipper
: He's fine.
: [Biting into a penny
] Ow! This gumball is too ouchy! Private
: Silly Mort. That's a penny. Mort
[Bites into penny again
: Aaaaooow! This penny is too ouchy!
: The whole world's gone topsy-turvy. Skipper
: So it's up to us to make turvy topsy again. Private
: I'm not sure that's possible, Skipper.
: If by some statistically remote chance you do win, the rewards will be glory and respect. Private
: And a little swagger in your step. King Julien
: These prizes sound cheap. As your king, I already own glory and respect. Don't I? Maurice
: Glorify! Mort
: Respectify! King Julien
: See? But not a TV. Yes! Long have I wanted a box with tiny shouting people inside.
: Kowalski, run a trace. Kowalski
: [Tastes robot Julien
] Sea salt, rollercoaster grease and all-beef franks. Skipper
: Coney Island. Private
: Subway convenient, at least. Skipper
: No. They'd be expecting that.
: Ever since my humiliation in the Ring of Fire, I have sworn revenge on the humans. It made me bitter. Private
: Did he say bitter or better? Skipper
: I'm not sure. It's hard to tell with all the echo in here. Kowalski
: That would be the high ceilings.
: Suit up, men!
: You too, Private. Private
: But I'm Private! Skipper
: All right, he's Private Number Two. Mort
: I like number two!
: Say it with me: They're just feet, not love. Mort
: They're just feet, not love.
: You better know what you're doing. You're blowing away the Private's college fund. Private
: I'll never be President!
[Kowalski's Adorablizer overloaded, which causes Private to perform an innocent-looking pose, which resulted in knocking everyone back
] Skipper, what happened? Skipper
] Kowalski, talk to me. Kowalski
] It appears that Private has discovered some sort of Quantum Hyper Cute! 132% adorability! Rico
: Wow! Private
: Is that even possible? Kowalski
: Scientifically, no. Skipper
] Way to stick it to science, Private. Now let's go cute us up some fish!
: Look alive, men. Time to get us some popcorn. Prepare to commence Operation: Popcorn. Kowalski
: A bit on the nose, isn't it, Skipper? Private
: Easy to remember, though. Rico
] Popcorn! Skipper
: Roger that, Rico.
: Your Granny's a genius, Fred. Fred
: She certainly is. Kowalski
: How does she know so much about the treasure? Fred
: Wait, you think she's my grandma? That's not my grandma. Skipper
: She's not? Fred
: No, I told you. She's in my tree taking a nap. Skipper
: Fred, she hugged you. Fred
: Well, that did strike me as a bit odd, but what was I gonna do, say no to a hug? I love hugs.
: Well, that ties up that past chapter of my life in a neat little bow. Private
: Except I still don't know what happened in Denmark. Skipper
: Oh, Private. That's between me, Hans and the Danes. Get your own secret life.
: Atenzione, little rodentia. Has anyone seen a leafy crown? Rat #1
: Maybe. Rat #2
: What's it to ya? Skipper
: We need it, pronto. Rat #1
: it belongs to our king. Rat #2
: And there's only one way to take it from him. Private
: Smile and say please? Rat #2
: No! Rat #1
: Paw-to-paw combat! Rat #1
, Rat #2
: Beat the king, get the crown! Beat the king, get the crown!... Skipper
: Okay, I'll go easy on him. Where is the little guy?
[a huge muscular rat appears, wearing Julien's crown
: Oh, you are toast. Skipper
: What was that, Private? Private
: Uh... I mean, hard on the outside, soft and warm on the inside, and good in a jam. Skipper
: Oh, that's nice. King Rat
: You are going down, clown! Down to Rat Town! Private
: Aren't we already there?