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: Oh! Frankenstein! Ringo
: Yeah, I used to go out with his sister. Old Fred
: His sister? Ringo
: Yeah, Phyllis.
: Now whatever you do, don't touch that button! Ringo
: Which button? Old Fred
: That button. Ringo
: This button?
[presses the button and is ejected
: Aaaahhhhh! Old Fred
: That was the panic button.
: Look, it's a school of whales. Ringo
: They look a little bit old for school. Paul
: University then. Ringo
: University of "Wales". John
: They look like drop outs to me.
: Cor! It's all a load of Father Xmas's. Paul
: No, that's Father Time. Ringo
: How'd you know that? Paul
: Well, I read it in a book once.
: It's blue glass. Ringo
: Must be from Kentucky.
: Not if you're on the bottom.
: Help! Help! Help! Ringo
: Thanks, we don't need any. Old Fred
] Old Fred
: Won't you please, please Help me? Ringo
: Be specific.
: Hey, I wonder what'll happen if I pull this lever. Old Fred
: Oh, you mustn't do that now. Ringo
: Can't help it. I'm a born "Liver-pooler."
: Move over, I'm driving. George
: No, I got here first. Ringo
: We'll drive if you like. George
: No, you sit in the middle. John
: No, I'm sitting in the middle. George
: Who said you were driving? Ringo
: I am driving. George
: I'll get in the back, then.
[they drive off camera
: Well, lads, what do you think? George
: I think that... Old Fred
: Remember, there'll be rough seas ahead! What do you think? Paul
: Well, um... Old Fred
: Pounding overwhelming waves! What do you think of that, eh? John
: Well, I think that... Ringo
: As a matter of fact, I think that... George
: I think... Old Fred
: Well? George
: I've forgotten.
: Maybe time's gone on strike. Ringo
: What for? George
: Shorter hours. Ringo
: I don't blame it. Must be very tiring being time, mustn't it? George
: Why? Ringo
: Well, it's a twenty four hour day, isn't it? John
: You surprise me, Ringo. Ringo
: Why? John
: Dealing in abstracts.
: [the motor has conked out
] By Neptune's knickerbockers! She's puttered out! George
: Maybe we should call a road service? Paul
: Can't, no road! Ringo
: And we're not subscribers? John/Paul/George
: Subscribers, oh.
: Ok, men all aboard. Lets go somewhere. Ringo
: [Indicating Jeremy
] What about him? John
: He's happy enough going around in circles. Ringo
: Aw, poor little fellow. Paul
: I don't know. Ringo's just a sentamentalist. Ringo
: Aw, look at him. Can't he come with us?
[he goes over to Jeremy
: Hey, Mr Boob! You can come with us if you like. Jeremy
: You mean you'd take a nowhere man? Ringo
: Yeah, come on. We'll take you somewhere.
: Groovy! How do you start this thing? Old Fred
: It starts with a Blue Meanie attack. John
: Well, supposing there are no Blue Meanies in the neighbourhood? Old Fred
: Oh, er, well, then you, um, start looking for a switch. Ringo
: [Ringo pushes a button that starts playing the first few notes of the song "All Together Now"
] Perhaps this is it.
] I want me mom.
[Blows his nose
: Okay, instruments at the ready. John
: Okay, on the beat of one, a-two, a-three, a-four, a-five, a-six. Ringo
: Hey, can't you make it three? John
: Oh, all right, on the beat of three: A-one, a-two, a-three.
: Hey! There's a Cyclops! Paul
: Can't be. It's got two eyes. John
: Must be a "bicycle-ops" then. Ringo
: There's another one. John
: A whole "'cyclopedia"!
: Yes, dey do look very nice, don't dey? Ringo
: Yes, dey do. John
: Dey do dough, don't dey? George
: Yes, dey do. Ringo
: Don't dey, dough? George
: Fa-la. Dat dough!
: Oh, your story has touched me heart. Jump in. We'll get me friends. Old Fred
: Oh, bless you. Ringo
: Did I sneeze?
: Do you speak English? Jeremy
: Old English, Middle, Dialect, Pure. Paul
: Well, do you speak English? Jeremy
: You know, I'm not sure. Ringo
: He's so smart he doesn't even remember what he knows!
: Hey, would you believe me if I told you I was being followed by a yellow submarine? Police Officer
: Um, uh, no. No, I would not. Ringo
: I, uh, didn't think you would. I could've sworn it was a yellow submarine. But that isn't logical now, is it? It must've been one of them "Unidentified Flying Cupcakes". One of the figments of me imagination. But I don't have an imagination.
: Liverpool can be a lonely place on a Saturday night, and this is only Thursday morning.
: Hey, what would your friends be doing here? Ringo
: Displaying. Old Fred
: Displaying what? Ringo
: Dis-playing around.
: You've got to steer clear. Ringo
: Steer clear? Old Fred
: Yes, steer. Clear? Ringo
: Yes, dear.
: George, what are you doing up there? George
: [driving in Ringo's car
] Now, what is it, Ringo? Is there a matter you'd like to take up or down? Ringo
: [indicating Fred
] This chap, here. Old Fred
: [crazy gibberish
] Submarines! Explosions! Ringo
, Old Fred
: Blue Meanies! George
: Aww, you're nuts, the pair of you.
: Hey, that's my car, lad. George
: How do you know it's your car, lad? Ringo
: I know it anywhere. Red with yellow wheels.
[the car changes colors
: I mean blue with orange wheels.
[the car changes colors again
: It's all in the mind.
: [as Jeremy disables the Chief Blue Meenie with flowers
] First time I saw that Nowhere Man, that Nobody, "I" knew he was Somebody. John
: You're right.
: Nothing ever happens to me. I'd jump in the River Mersey but it looks like rain.
] And the band begins to play. We all live in a Yellow Submarine. Yellow Submarine. Yellow Submarine.
: [seeing Jeremy captured by the Blue Meanies
] Jeremy! Can it be you? Jeremy Hillary Boob, PhD.
: Can it be me? I think you better inquire the guards, for when I was captured, they took all my cards.
: [Frankenstein's monster has turned into John Lennon
] Hey, Ringo, I've just had the strangest dream. Ringo
: I warned you not to eat on an empty stomach. Now listen to Old Fred. Old Fred
: [speaking gibberish
] Submarine! Explosions! Blue Meanies!
] Old Fred
: What do you think? John
: [to Ringo
] I think he needs a rehearsal.
: [Ringo is driving the submarine
] You've got to steer clear! Ringo
: Steer clear? Old Fred
: Yes, steer. Clear? Ringo
: Yes, steer.
: [parking Ringo's car
] Just park it here. Ringo
: I'll just park it here.
: Not a Meanie in sight. John
: Not even a teeny Meanie. Paul
: Not even a teeny weeny Meanie. Ringo
[the Beatles just saw duplicates of themselves in a second yellow submarine
: Maybe we're both part of a vast yellow submarine fleet. Ringo
: There's only two of us. John
: Well, then, I would suggest that yonder yellow submarine is none other than ourselves... Old Fred
: Going backwards. John
: In time.
[the Beatles are shown as their live action selves
: That was one great party. And we brought back some lovely souvenirs.
[takes out a kite string with a wind-up mistaken for a motor
: Here's the motor. Paul
: And I've got a little
[the word "love" comes out of his hand
: love. Ringo
: [takes out a fake hole from his pocket
] And I've got a hole in my pocket. George
: A hole? Ringo
: Well, half a hole anyway. I gave the rest to Jeremy. George
: What can he do with half a hole? Paul
: Fix it to keep his mind from wandering!
: Hey look at John will you?
: All together, now!
: Hullo. John
: He can talk then, can he? Paul
: 'Course he can talk. He's a human being, isn't he? Ringo
: Well if he's your grandfather, who knows! Ha ha ha!
[the boys are listening to the radio
] Man on Train
: And we'll have that thing off as well, thank you. Ringo
: But... Man on Train
: An elementary knowledge of the Railway Acts would tell you that I'm perfectly within my rights. Paul
: Yeah, but we want to hear it, and there's more of us than you. We're a community, like, a majority vote. Up the workers and all that stuff! Man on Train
: Then I suggest you take that damned thing to the corridor or some other part of the train where you obviously belong. John
: [Leaning over to the man
] Give us a kiss.
Man on train
: Don't take that tone with me, young man. I fought the war for your sort. Ringo
: I bet you're sorry you won.
: What's the matter with you, then? Ringo
: It's his grandfather. I can tell he doesn't like me. It's cause I'm little. George
: Ah, you've got an inferiority complex, you have. Ringo
: Yeah, I know, that's why I play the drums - it's me active compensatory factor.
[Huge stacks of fan mail is delivered
: None for me, then? Norm
: Sorry. John
: [handing Ringo one letter
] Here, this'll keep you busy.
: It's your nose, you know. Fans are funny that way, they take a dislike to things. They'll pick on a nose. Ringo
: Aw, you pick on your own.
: [referring to half-dressed room service waiter hiding in the wardrobe
] Any of you lot put a man in the cupboard? George
: Nah! Paul
: Don't be soft! Ringo
: Well, someone did. George
: [George gets up, walks over, looks in the cupboard, then sits back down
: He's right, you know John
: There you go.
: Are you a mod or a rocker? Ringo
: Um, no. I'm a mocker.
: Do you think these haircuts have come to stay? Ringo
: Well, this one has. You know, it's stuck on good and proper now.
: What do you call that collar? Ringo
: A collar.
: There you go, hiding behind a smokescreen of bourgeois cliches.
: Ringo, what are you up to? Ringo
: [Ringo is sitting under a hairdryer wearing a beefeater's bearskin hat and reading a magazine
] Page five! John
: You always fancied yourself as a guardsman, didn't you?
: [George runs into Ringo in the hallway
] Hey Ringo, you know what just happened to me? Ringo
: No, I don't.
[George gives Ringo a dirty look
: You ought to stop looking so scornful, it's twisting your face.
[George grabs his face and walks off looking confused
: [arrested, at the police station
] I demand to see my solicitor! Police Inspector
: What's his name? Ringo
: Well, if you're gonna get technical about it...
: I'm going out parading before it's too late!
: Come in, number seven, your time's up!
[Grandfather and Ringo are held in a police station
: Have they roughed you up yet? Ringo
: What? Grandfather
: Oh, they're a desperate crew of drippings, and they've fists like mature hams for pounding poor defenseless lads like you. One of us has got to escape. I'll get the boys. Hold on, son, I'll be back here. Ringo
: For me? Grandfather
: And if they get you on the floor, watch out for your brisket. Ringo
: They seem all right to me. Grandfather
: Ah, sure, that's what they want you to think. All coppers are villains. Police Inspector
: Would you two like a cup of tea? Grandfather
: See, *sly* villains.
: [sees Paul's grandfather for the first time
] Hey! George
: [in unison
] Who's that little old man? Norm
: Well, who is he? Ringo
: He belongs to Paul.
: Would you look at him? Sittin' there with his hooter scrapin' away at that book! Ringo
: Well, what's the matter with that? Grandfather
: Have you no natural resources of your own? Have they even robbed you of that? Ringo
: You can learn from books! Grandfather
: You can, can you? Pahh! Sheeps' heads! You could learn more by gettin' out there and living! Ringo
: Out where? Grandfather
: Any old where! But not our little Richard. Oh, no. When you're not thumpin' them pagan skins you're tormenting your eyes with that rubbish. Ringo
: Books are good. Grandfather
: *Parading's* better. Ringo
: Parading? Grandfather
: [nods eagerly
] Parading the streets! Trailing your coat! Bowling along! LIVING! Ringo
: Well, I am living. Grandfather
: You? Living? When was the last time you gave a girl a pink-edged daisy? When did you last embarrass a sheila with your cool, appraising stare? Ringo
: You're a bit old for that sort of chat, aren't you? Grandfather
: Well at least I've got a backlog of memories! All you've got is - THAT BOOK!
: I don't snore. George
: You do, repeatedly. Ringo
: Do I snore, John? John
: Yeah, you're a window-rattler, son. Ringo
: That's just your opinion. Do I snore, Paul? Paul
: With a trombone hooter like yours, it would be unnatural if you didn't. Grandfather
: Now, Paulie... don't mock the afflicted. Paul
: Ah, come off it, it's only a joke! Grandfather
: Aye, it may be a joke to you, but it's his nose. He can't help having a hideous great hooter! And his poor little head, trembling under the weight of it!
: Now you've got about an hour, but don't leave the theater. Where are you going, John? John
: [with a dancing girl
] She's gonna show me her stamp collection. Paul
: [also with a girl
] So's mine. Norm
: John, I'm talking to you! This final run-through is important, understand? IMPORTANT!
[John snorts like a pig, then leaves
: I want a cup of tea! Norm
: Uh, Shake? Shake
: [reaching for a guitar
] Um... I've got to adjust the decibels on the imbalance, Norm. Norm
: Clever. George?
[George puts his fingers in his ears
: Ringo, look after him, will you? Ringo
: Ah, Norm! Norm
: Do I have to raise my voice? Ringo
: All right. Come on, Granddad.
: I'm a drummer, not a wet nurse, you know?
: Come on, you lot! Get your pens out! George
: Why? Norm
: It's homework time for you load of college puddings. I want this lot answered TONIGHT! Ringo
] Aww... I want to go out. Norm
: Now, I'll brook no denial! John
: You couldn't get a pen in your foot, you swine. Norm
: Ooh! Chatter on, son. Chatter on! A touch of the writer's cramp will soon sort YOU out!
: Funny, really, 'cause I'd never thought of it, but being middle-aged and old takes up most of your time, doesn't it? Grandfather
: You're only right.
: [to Grandpa as he sulks
] Don't worry son, we'll get you the best lawyer green stamps can buy. Paul
: Oh ho, it's a laugh a line with Lennon! Paul
: Anyway, it's your fault.
[points to Ringo
: Why me? George
: Why not you?
[pause, he looks around baggage holding, pats the dog next to him
: God, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny. They usually reckon dogs more than people in England. You'd expect something more palatial.
[turns back to Paul
: Let's do something then. Paul
: Like what?
[John takes out a pack of cards
: Okay. George
: [as the schoolgirls arrive to watch
] Cor, there's the girls. Ringo
: I'll deal 'em. John
: [Ringo separates the cards into two even piles and simply flicks through them
] Aye aye, the Liverpool Shuffle. Ringo
: [after montage of them playing with 'I Should Have Known Better' in background, Ringo has won
] Mine, all mine! John
: He's wearing his lucky rings.
: Before you go, gentlemen, there's a little matter of the bill. Norm
: I'll take care of that.
[Norm take a look at the bill
] Hundred eighty pounds? Casino Manager
: I beg your pardon. Guineas. Casino Croupier
: Your winnings, my Lord. One hundred and ninety pounds.
[Grandfather is excited, but the manager immediately takes the money from him as payment for the bill
: Where are me change? Casino Manager
: Cloakroom charge. Ringo
: Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.
[Grandfather and Norm angrly look at Ringo
: It's the Circle Club. Paul
: [reads aloud the invite
] "The management of the Circle Club takes pleasure in requesting the company of Mr. Richard Starkey - that's you - to their gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer, Baccarat, and Champagne buffet". Ringo
: They want me. John
: It's gotten around you're a big spender. Norm
: [snatches the card from Paul
] Well, you're not going. Ringo
: Aww! Grandfather
: [snatches the card from Norm
] Quite right. Invites to gambling dens full of easy money and fast women. Chicken sandwiches and carts full of caviar. Disgusting! Ringo
: That's mine!
[Ringo's hand is trapped in the sandwich dispenser
: Hey someone's got hold of me finger! John
: Are you trying to attract attention again?
: Stop dragging things down to your own level, it's immature son. Ringo
: I thought, Well I... I thought she was a sandwich, 'til she went spare on me hand.
[after a failed attempt to steal Ringo's ring
: Hey! You've been messing about with me in my kip! John
: Eh? Ringo
: No, I mean, you know, with a fishing rod. John
: I wouldn't touch it with a plastic one. What are you doing on the floor? Ringo
: I'm tired.
: What was it that first attracted you to me? John
: Well, you're very polite, aren't you?
: [to Ringo whose arm is trapped inside a mail box
] What are you doing? Ringo
: Posting a letter.
: There's more here than meets the eye! George
: Ho ho. John
: Ho. George
: Ho ho. John
: Ho. George
: Ho ho ho John
: Ho ho! George
: Ho ho. John
: Huh ho.
: [finding a season ticket in his soup
] What's this? Ringo
: A season ticket. What do you think it is? John
: Oh. I like a lot of seasoning in me soup.
: How do you feel?
[puts light bulb to Ringo's mouth like a microphone
: I used to use my hands. John
: [speaks into "microphone" in funny voice
] He used to use his hands.
: I like operations. They give you a sense of outlook, don't they?
: Voltage, Voltage! Up up. Up up Paul
: Up, up. John
: Up Ringo
: Are you sure I'm earthed? Algernon
: Oh no! Er, hold on, thank you.
: So this is the famous ring? Ringo
: I'm in fear of me life, you know! Superintendent
: And these are the famous Beatles? John
: So this is the famous Scotland Yard, eh? Superintendent
: And how long do you think you'll last? John
: Can't say fairer than that. The Great Train Robbery, eh? How's that going?
: They have to paint me red before they chop me. It's a different religion from ours. I think.
[In disguise at the airport. Newspapers have discovered their destination
: Okay, who let it out? John
: Nobody'll know! Paul
: We're not going there. John
: We just put it 'round we're going there. Paul
: We're not going there! John
: We just put it 'round we're going there! George
: Just so everybody'd think we were going there. Ringo
: I'd like to go there. John
: You wouldn't like it. Ringo
: Where are we going, then? John
: Never you mind.
[Paul tracking foot prints
: Easterner with greasy feet speak with fork tongue. John
: Does he? What's he say? Paul
: Passing this way, hot foot, many moons to temple. George
: Don't encourage him. You've got the part Paul! John
: Dare we ask how you know? Ringo
: How? Paul
: How? I saw these footprints and this guide book which points out places of local worship. John
: To the temple!
: Oh come on now lads, don't be windy, where's that famous pluck? John
: I haven't got any, have you George? George
: Did have. Paul
: I have had. Ringo
: I will have! Lead on!
: Hey, you're all red again. Ringo
: I know, I'm beginning to like it!
: [to Clang after he has taken off the ring and put it on Clang
] Get sacrificed! I don't subscribe to your religion!
: [Ringo approaches the bar and asks for
] Two lagers and lime and two lagers and lime
: The Fire Brigade once got my head out of some railings. John
: Did you want them to? Ringo
: No, I used to leave it there when I wasn't using it for school. You can see a lot of the world from railings.
: Oh, why don't you chop it off, Ringo? Ringo
: Look John, I've had some great times with this finger.
: And how do you know I wouldn't miss it? Paul
: You're a rat underneath, aren't you?
: [Paul returns to normal after hiding in the ashtray on the floor
] Look! Paul
: Yech, I'm all sticky.
[sees Ringo covered in paint
: You're all red!
: How's your equilibrium ring? Ringo
: How's yours? You lied again, George. George
: How'd you know it's not you that's lied. Ringo
: Cause I never am. Am I, Paul? Paul
: Yeah, you are.
[Dewey meditating with the Maharishi and The Beatles
] The Maharishi
: Only through meditation can we begin to understand our role. Paul McCartney
: We're nothing but... grains of sand. Dewey Cox
: That was freakin' transcendental, Paul McCartney. Don't you agree, John Lennon? John Lennon
: Yes, Dewey Cox. With meditation there's no limit to what we can...
[glares at the camera
] John Lennon
: *imagine*. Dewey Cox
: What do you think, George Harrison of The Beatles? George Harrison
: I don't know. You know? I'm just trying to get more songs on the album. Ringo Starr
: And as Ringo Starr, I'm not so interested in meditation, I just like to have fun.
[holds up peace sign
] Dewey Cox
] I like the little one.
: [high on LSD with Dewey as a cartoon
] Just keep thinking happy thoughts, Dewey. I'd hate for this to turn into a bad trip. Dewey Cox
: [scary music plays
] Uh-oh! John Lennon
, Paul McCartney
: 'Uh-oh'? George Harrison
: What's that scary music? Dewey Cox
: I had an unhappy thought! George Harrison
: It's a bad trip. Paul McCartney
: Bad trip, bad trip! Dewey Cox
: [a machete walks up to him
] Help! Trippy machete!
[the machete cuts him in half
] Dewey Cox
: Aw, fuck me! I can see my large colon! Dewey Cox
: [wakes up frightened
] Ahh! I guess I do got some demons! George Harrison
: You alright Cox? Dewey Cox
] I don't know! Ringo Starr
: Do you want some more LSD? Dewey Cox
] Yeah, I think I do!
: I just sit here while my guitar quietly wimpers. Paul McCartney
: Well you are the quiet one, so why don't you shut the fuck up? Ringo Starr
: I've got a song about an octopus. John Lennon
: Jam it up your ass. You're lucky we still let you play drums!
: [rehearsing in a warehouse
] Do you think you could get some heat in here, or are we practicing to be Canadians?
: Yeah, uh, shall we try 'Not Such A Bad Boy'? Ringo
: Do we have to? Paul
: [having dressed himself up as Cupid for a "love song"
] Yoohoo, Paul! How's this? Paul McCartney
: Who in blazes are you supposed to be? Ringo Starr
: Cupid, of course. Romantic, ain't it? Hah hah hah, Yeah.
[fires an arrow which ricochets around the stage and ultimately snaps the rope from which he is hanging
] Paul McCartney
: [after Ringo has fallen on the ground
] Did you say you're Cupid or stupid? Ringo Starr
: Cupid... with a K. Paul McCartney
] Paul McCartney
: Sing, kids.
Mrs. Starkey, Ringo's Auntie
: Now shut up! Richard Starkey
: Shut up- to me? I've had enough of it! I can't stand it any more! I'm gettin' off! Off! Mrs. Starkey, Ringo's Auntie
: Don't get historical!