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: Senile delinquents.
: Look, it's a school of whales. Ringo
: They look a little bit old for school. Paul
: University then. Ringo
: University of "Wales". John
: They look like drop outs to me.
: Break the glass. George
: We can't! Paul
: It's Beatle proof. John
: Nothing is Beatle proof!
: Cor! It's all a load of Father Xmas's. Paul
: No, that's Father Time. Ringo
: How'd you know that? Paul
: Well, I read it in a book once.
[Jeremy is writing with his foot
: The footnotes for my nineteenth book. This is my standard procedure for doing it. And while I compose it, I'm also reviewing it! George
: A boob for all seasons. Paul
: How can he lose? John
: Were your notices good? Jeremy
: It's my policy never to read my reviews.
: Well, lads, what do you think? George
: I think that... Old Fred
: Remember, there'll be rough seas ahead! What do you think? Paul
: Well, um... Old Fred
: Pounding overwhelming waves! What do you think of that, eh? John
: Well, I think that... Ringo
: As a matter of fact, I think that... George
: I think... Old Fred
: Well? George
: I've forgotten.
: Maybe time's gone on strike. Ringo
: What for? George
: Shorter hours. Ringo
: I don't blame it. Must be very tiring being time, mustn't it? George
: Why? Ringo
: Well, it's a twenty four hour day, isn't it? John
: You surprise me, Ringo. Ringo
: Why? John
: Dealing in abstracts.
[after Ringo ejects himself from the submarine
: Poor Ringo. George
: Poor lad. Paul
: Never did no harm to no one. John
: Hey, lads, now that Ringo's gone, what do we do? Old Fred
: Learn to sing trios. Paul
: Naw, let's save the poor devil.
[being swallowed by the vacuum monster
: The motor's packing in! Old Fred
: By all the sea nymphettes! We're losing power! George
: We're being swallowed! Paul
: What should we do? John
: Serve tea? Paul
] When I get older losing my hair many years from now. Will you still be sending me a valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine? If I'd been out till quarter to three would you lock the door? Will you still need me, will you still feed me When I'm Sixty Four?
: [the motor has conked out
] By Neptune's knickerbockers! She's puttered out! George
: Maybe we should call a road service? Paul
: Can't, no road! Ringo
: And we're not subscribers? John/Paul/George
: Subscribers, oh.
: Let's show him our motor. John
: Steady on! I mean, you don't want to be showing your motor to just anybody.
: What's the matter fellows? Blue Meanies?
: Groovy! How do you start this thing? Old Fred
: It starts with a Blue Meanie attack. John
: Well, supposing there are no Blue Meanies in the neighbourhood? Old Fred
: Oh, er, well, then you, um, start looking for a switch. Ringo
: [Ringo pushes a button that starts playing the first few notes of the song "All Together Now"
] Perhaps this is it.
: Hey, Jeremy, what do you know about holes? Jeremy Hillary Boob, PhD.
: There are simply no holes in my education. Paul
: You mean you haven't composed a "hole" book?
: It's quite uncanny, your faces. Paul
: We're quite cute, really. Lord Mayor
: You could pass for the originals! John
: We are the originals.
: [seeing the Chief Meanie for the first time
] Hey, he reminds me of my old English teacher. John
: Look, if you must shout, shout quietly!
: If I could come in, here, I think the theory put forward by Einstein. Paul
] Einstein, Einstein, any any any old Einstein. John
: Could well be applied here. The people in the ball are obviously extensions of our own personalities, suspended, as it were, in time, frozen in space. George
: Uh, John. John
: According to the now-famous theory of relativity. George
: John. John
: Which, briefly explained. George
: John! John
: Is simply a matter of taking two eggs. George
: John! John
: Beating lightly, and adding a little salt and pepper to taste.
: As a matter of fact, there's a war on. John
: Then brothers in war, to the skirmish must we hence! Shall we hence? Paul
: Oh, let's not waste any more time sitting on the hence! Beatles to battle! Charge!
: Hey! There's a Cyclops! Paul
: Can't be. It's got two eyes. John
: Must be a "bicycle-ops" then. Ringo
: There's another one. John
: A whole "'cyclopedia"!
: Do you speak English? Jeremy
: Old English, Middle, Dialect, Pure. Paul
: Well, do you speak English? Jeremy
: You know, I'm not sure. Ringo
: He's so smart he doesn't even remember what he knows!
: Say, Ringo, you're not half the lad you used to be.
: [in the Sea of Holes
] This place reminds me of Blackburn, Lancashire. Paul
] Oh, boy!
: [they're hiding from the Meanies in the gazebo
] Do you think they heard us? John
: I hope not. Paul
: Shhh! George
: What did you say? Paul
: Shhh! George
: Good plan.
: Hey, it's seen us! Old Fred
: Fire the boxing button! Paul
: Whoever heard of a "boxing button"? George
: Who cares! Find one!
: Hey, he looks wrong. Paul
: He doesn't look at all well. George
: In fact, he's horrible. John
: He's so ugly. All
: Really ugly!
: Oh, let's not waste time sitting on the hence.
: Beatles to battle! Charge!
: Not a Meanie in sight. John
: Not even a teeny Meanie. Paul
: Not even a teeny weeny Meanie. Ringo
[the Beatles are shown as their live action selves
: That was one great party. And we brought back some lovely souvenirs.
[takes out a kite string with a wind-up mistaken for a motor
: Here's the motor. Paul
: And I've got a little
[the word "love" comes out of his hand
: love. Ringo
: [takes out a fake hole from his pocket
] And I've got a hole in my pocket. George
: A hole? Ringo
: Well, half a hole anyway. I gave the rest to Jeremy. George
: What can he do with half a hole? Paul
: Fix it to keep his mind from wandering!
: Do you ever get the feeling? John
: Yeah. Paul
: That things aren't as rosy as they appear to be under the surface?
: Ok, men all aboard. Lets go somewhere. Ringo
: [Indicating Jeremy
] What about him? John
: He's happy enough going around in circles. Ringo
: Aw, poor little fellow. Paul
: I don't know. Ringo's just a sentamentalist. Ringo
: Aw, look at him. Can't he come with us?
[he goes over to Jeremy
: Hey, Mr Boob! You can come with us if you like. Jeremy
: You mean you'd take a nowhere man? Ringo
: Yeah, come on. We'll take you somewhere.
: All together, now!
[seeing John looking through a telescope, concerned
: What's the matter, John Love? Blue Meanies. John Lennon
: Newer and bluer Meanies have been sighted in the vicinity of this theatre. There's only one way we can go out! George
: How's that? John Lennon
: That's not your grandfather. Paul
: It is, you know. George
: But I've seen your grandfather. He lives in your house. Paul
: Oh, that's my other grandfather, but he's my grandfather, as well. John
: How do you reckon that one out? Paul
: Well, everyone's entitled to two, aren't they?
: Hullo. John
: He can talk then, can he? Paul
: 'Course he can talk. He's a human being, isn't he? Ringo
: Well if he's your grandfather, who knows! Ha ha ha!
[the boys are listening to the radio
] Man on Train
: And we'll have that thing off as well, thank you. Ringo
: But... Man on Train
: An elementary knowledge of the Railway Acts would tell you that I'm perfectly within my rights. Paul
: Yeah, but we want to hear it, and there's more of us than you. We're a community, like, a majority vote. Up the workers and all that stuff! Man on Train
: Then I suggest you take that damned thing to the corridor or some other part of the train where you obviously belong. John
: [Leaning over to the man
] Give us a kiss.
Man On Train
: I shall call the guard! Paul
: Ah, but what? They don't take kindly to insults, you know. Let's go have some coffee and leave the kennel to Lassie!
: [referring to half-dressed room service waiter hiding in the wardrobe
] Any of you lot put a man in the cupboard? George
: Nah! Paul
: Don't be soft! Ringo
: Well, someone did. George
: [George gets up, walks over, looks in the cupboard, then sits back down
: He's right, you know John
: There you go.
: Do you often see your father? Paul
: No, actually, we're just good friends.
: [as TV Director walks away with PA
] There he goes. Look at him. Bet his wife doesn't know about her. John
: If he's got one. Look at his sweater. Paul
: You never know, she might have knitted it. John
: She knitted him.
: Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt... Zap!
: Hey, look at the talent. Let's give them a pull. Paul
: Should I? George
: Aye, but don't rush. None of your five-bar gate jumps and over sort of stuff. Paul
: What's that supposed to mean? George
: I don't know, I just thought it sounded distinguished-like. John
: George Harrison, the Scouse of distinction!
: Well, he just asked if he could have those photos, and Norm said no, and I said, "Well, why not be big about it?" Paul
: Yeah, and? Norm
: And your grandfather pointed out that Shake was always being taller than me just to spite me!
: We've broken out! Ah, the blessed freedom of it all! Have you got a nail file, these handcuffs are killin me! I was framed, I'm innocent, I don't want to go! Paul
: Sorry for disturbing you, girls! John
: I betchya can't guess what I was in for!
: [sees Paul's grandfather for the first time
] Hey... George
: [in unison
] Who's that little old man? Norm
: Well, who is he? Ringo
: He belongs to Paul.
: And we're looking after him, are we? Grandfather
: I'll look after myself. Paul
: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. John
: He's got you worried, then? Paul
: Him? He's a villain, a real mixer. And he costs you a fortune in Breach of Promise cases.
: I don't snore. George
: You do, repeatedly. Ringo
: Do I snore, John? John
: Yeah, you're a window-rattler, son. Ringo
: That's just your opinion. Do I snore, Paul? Paul
: With a trombone hooter like yours, it would be unnatural if you didn't. Grandfather
: Now, Paulie... don't mock the afflicted. Paul
: Ah, come off it, it's only a joke! Grandfather
: Aye, it may be a joke to you, but it's his nose. He can't help having a hideous great hooter! And his poor little head, trembling under the weight of it!
[repeated line about Grandfather
: He's very clean.
[Paul, John and George come out of the studio, looking for Ringo
: Let's split up and look for him!
[Paul walks away, George and John follow him. Paul turns around
: We've become a limited company.
: Now you've got about an hour, but don't leave the theater. Where are you going, John? John
: [with a dancing girl
] She's gonna show me her stamp collection. Paul
: [also with a girl
] So's mine. Norm
: John, I'm talking to you. This final run-through is important, understand? Important!
[John snorts like a pig, then leaves
: I want a cup of tea! Norm
: Uh, Shake? Shake
: [reaching for a guitar
] Um... I've got to adjust the decibels on the imbalance, Norm. Norm
: Clever. George?
[George puts his fingers in his ears
: Ringo, look after him, will you? Ringo
: Ah, Norm! Norm
: Do I have to raise my voice? Ringo
: All right. Come on, Granddad.
: I'm a drummer, not a wet nurse, you know?
: Yeah, where's the old mixer? Grandfather
: Here, Paulie. Paul
: I've got a few words to say to you, two-faced John McCartney. John
: Oh, leave him alone. He's back, isn't he? He can't help being old. Paul
: What's being old got to do with it? He's a trouble-maker and a mixer, that's good enough for me!
: Hey, have you seen Paul's grandfather? John
: Of course. He's concealed about my person. Norm
: [rolls his eyes
] He must have slipped off somewhere. Paul
: Have you lost him? Norm
: Don't exaggerate. Paul
: You've lost him! Shake
: Put it this way, Paulie: he's mislaid him.
: [to Grandpa as he sulks
] Don't worry son, we'll get you the best lawyer green stamps can buy. Paul
: Oh ho, it's a laugh a line with Lennon! Paul
: Anyway, it's your fault.
[points to Ringo
: Why me? George
: Why not you?
[pause, he looks around baggage holding, pats the dog next to him
: God, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny. They usually reckon dogs more than people in England. You'd expect something more palatial.
[turns back to Paul
: Let's do something then. Paul
: Like what?
[John takes out a pack of cards
: Okay. George
: [as the schoolgirls arrive to watch
] Cor, there's the girls. Ringo
: I'll deal 'em. John
: [Ringo separates the cards into two even piles and simply flicks through them
] Aye aye, the Liverpool Shuffle. Ringo
: [after montage of them playing with 'I Should Have Known Better' in background, Ringo has won
] Mine, all mine! John
: He's wearing his lucky rings.
: It's the Circle Club. Paul
: [reads aloud the invite
] "The management of the Circle Club takes pleasure in requesting the company of Mr. Richard Starkey - that's you - to their gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer, Baccarat, and Champagne buffet". Ringo
: They want me. John
: It's gotten around you're a big spender. Norm
: [snatches the card from Paul
] Well, you're not going. Ringo
: Aww! Grandfather
: [snatches the card from Norm
] Quite right. Invites to gambling dens full of easy money and fast women. Chicken sandwiches and carts full of caviar. Disgusting! Ringo
: That's mine!
[Offering gold to Paul
: Hey, Be-a-tle! How about this, eh? Shufty gold! All of it pure gold in easy-to-handle denominational nuggets. Not marked, not a mark on 'em, eh? Paul
: No, I hate them. Ahme
: No! Paul
: I I do! I mean, they make your fingers go green. Ahme
: It is not the Beatle with the ring, he. Paul
: Aren't I? Ahme
: No unfortunately!
[laughs as Paul gives her a dirty look
[to an Indian man standing on his head
: Doesn't the blood rush to your head Sir?
[In the restaurant kitchen
: Doesn't the eastern flavor come rather expensive?
[Paul to belly dancer
: Doesn't the blood rush to your stomach?
: He has three hours to live. Paul
: Say no more. Ahme
: I can say no more.
: Voltage, Voltage! Up up. Up up Paul
: Up, up. John
: Up Ringo
: Are you sure I'm earthed? Algernon
: Oh no! Er, hold on, thank you.
: [George has just passed out from seeing the size of Ahme's hypodermic needle
] Now see what you've done with your filthy Eastern ways! Ahme
: No! It is Clang, the high priest, who is filthy in his Eastern ways. John
: How do we know you're not just as filthy, and sent by him to nick the ring by being filthy when you've lulled us with your filthy Eastern ways? Paul
: What filthy ways are these?
: [voice distorted
] It is one of those rela tela camenzas! George
: Bad machine!
[John and Paul are trying to get Ringo to cut his finger off
: You don't miss your tonsils, do yer?
[In disguise at the airport. Newspapers have discovered their destination
: Okay, who let it out? John
: Nobody'll know! Paul
: We're not going there. John
: We just put it 'round we're going there. Paul
: We're not going there! John
: We just put it 'round we're going there! George
: Just so everybody'd think we were going there. Ringo
: I'd like to go there. John
: You wouldn't like it. Ringo
: Where are we going, then? John
: Never you mind.
: [Speaking to washer woman
] Do you know Clang? Washerwoman
: I'm his mother, and he's good boy!
[Paul tracking foot prints
: Easterner with greasy feet speak with fork tongue. John
: Does he? What's he say? Paul
: Passing this way, hot foot, many moons to temple. George
: Don't encourage him. You've got the part Paul! John
: Dare we ask how you know? Ringo
: How? Paul
: How? I saw these footprints and this guide book which points out places of local worship. John
: To the temple!
: Oh come on now lads, don't be windy, where's that famous pluck? John
: I haven't got any, have you George? George
: Did have. Paul
: I have had. Ringo
: I will have! Lead on!
: My skin's soaked right through to the skin!
: Oh, why don't you chop it off, Ringo? Ringo
: Look John, I've had some great times with this finger.
: And how do you know I wouldn't miss it? Paul
: You're a rat underneath, aren't you?
: [Paul returns to normal after hiding in the ashtray on the floor
] Look! Paul
: Yech, I'm all sticky.
[sees Ringo covered in paint
: You're all red!
: Boys, are you buzzing? John
: No thanks, I've got the car! Cameo
: No no no. I'll have to play it back. You'll have to do it again!
[He plays the recording back so they can hear the buzzing sound
: Is that you? Paul
: No. George
: Well don't look at me.
[Ringo and his drums crash through the sawn-through floor to the room below
: That was you buzzing! You naughty boy!
: How's your equilibrium ring? Ringo
: How's yours? You lied again, George. George
: How'd you know it's not you that's lied. Ringo
: Cause I never am. Am I, Paul? Paul
: Yeah, you are.
: [referring to a drill coming through a painting
] What's that? Austrian Waiter
: What's what? George
: That little whirly thing coming out of his stomach. Austrian Waiter
: I can't look!
[a hose comes through the whole the drill made
: It's only a hose.
[the waiter faints as the Beatles investigate the hose
: [listens into the hose then hands it to John
] It's for you. John
: Who is it? Paul
: The gardener.
: There is little difference between the one who bows and the one who is bowed to. Paul McCartney
: Ooh, very "I am the Walrus."
: I knew it all along! John Lennon
: What? Paul McCartney
: You... pretendin' you didn't know me music. John Lennon
: Come on, Paul. You're the biggest bloody thing since The Beatles! Paul McCartney
: Oh, mmm... whatever became of them? John Lennon
: They all grew up and became lawyers.
: Where are we going, Johnny? John Lennon
: Straight to the top, boys! Paul McCartney
: Oh yeah? Where's that? John Lennon
: The toppermost of the poppermost!
: You're getting old, mate. Paul McCartney
: Speak for yourself, dad. I've still got me pretty face, you see? John Lennon
: That you have.
: I heard you let your recording contract run out. Somebody told me that you might never make another record. John Lennon
: It's no skin off my teeth. Paul McCartney
: Off your nose, you mean. John Lennon
: No, off me back. Paul McCartney
: You're not serious. John Lennon
: No skin off me back. Paul McCartney
: No, I mean about... John Lennon
: You thought it was off me nose. Paul McCartney
: Seriously, John. John Lennon
: Seriously, Paul. Paul McCartney
: What? John Lennon
: I gaurantee you, when he finally gets the nerve to come over here, it'll be, "My Connie adores you, and my Carla thinks you're fabulous." Paul McCartney
: My Heather likes you. John Lennon
: Her too, yeah. Paul McCartney
: No, I mean *my* Heather. She thinks you're all right. No accounting for taste, but she seems to have a bit of a crush on you. John Lennon
: What, Linda's girl? Paul McCartney
: Hey, she's my Heather too. I legally adopted her a long time ago. John Lennon
: How old is she now? Paul McCartney
: She's thirteen. Can you believe I've got a teenage daughter?
: Good afternoon, sir. You have a visitor. John Lennon
: Friend or foe? Concierge
: I believe he is an old friend, sir. He says he wishes to surprise you. John Lennon
: How do I know he is who he claims to be? Concierge
: I'll vouch for him, sir. He is a familiar face. John Lennon
: Check him for drugs and send him up.
[John hangs up
: Take Mr. McCartney up to see Mr. Lennon. Elevator Attendant
: It's an honor to meet you, sir. Paul McCartney
: Oh, thank you.
: So we're alone? John Lennon
: Yeah, you, me, and everything between us.
: You look very thin. John Lennon
: Mother's got us on the macrobiotic diet. Paul McCartney
: Mother? John Lennon
: Kind of an interesting aroma lingering. John Lennon
: Yah, yah, vat is that? Paul McCartney
: Vat is that? John Lennon
: Possibly eminating from your ass. Paul McCartney
: From your horse. Yah, fine-looking, beautiful creatures. John Lennon
: Tell me, are those genuine jackboots? Second Officer
: Looks like we've landed one with a real attitude. You fellows wouldn't be indulging in any illegal substances now, would you? John Lennon
: Oh, nein, nein. Paul McCartney
: Just enjoying some good music, yah, yah.
: Luckily for us, they were pretty harmless, those two. John Lennon
: Yeah right, just like the harmless cop who drove his harmless little car over me harmless mum. He was pretty harmless, wasn't he? They're all bastards. Paul McCartney
: Come on, John, you're living in the past. One cop in Liverpool twenty years ago's got nothing to do with those two just now. John Lennon
: Look, cops is cops, New York or Liverpool! Paul McCartney
: You're just exploiting them as scapegoats for all your repressed and pent-up anger. John Lennon
: Piss off. Paul McCartney
: You know I'm right.
: [John grabs Paul and kisses him. Paul pushes him away
] Get off! God... just cause Yoko's away doesn't mean you have to stop brushing your teeth. John Lennon
: You know you wanted it, you tart. Paul McCartney
: Is my name Brian?
: It's gonna be one of those days.
: I must be off. Jim
: You've been off for years.
: Yeah, uh, shall we try 'Not Such A Bad Boy'? Ringo
: Do we have to? Paul
[Paul has a vision of Harry handing the tapes over to Big Bob
: Don't do it! Don't do it!
[his microphone whines with feedback, snapping him back to reality
: Uh, sorry. My fault. Let's have a break.
: You've not seen Harry then? Big Bob
: Harry who? Harry James on the Golden Trumpet? Or Hare Krishna?
: [to John Lennon
] I'm sick of you being so dark when I'm so impish and whimsical! I'm sick of it! John Lennon
: Hey everyone! I've got a brand new mantra. Ommm Paul's a big fat cunt!
[Dewey meditating with the Maharishi and The Beatles
] The Maharishi
: Only through meditation can we begin to understand our role. Paul McCartney
: We're nothing but... grains of sand. Dewey Cox
: That was freakin' transcendental, Paul McCartney. Don't you agree, John Lennon? John Lennon
: Yes, Dewey Cox. With meditation there's no limit to what we can...
[glares at the camera
] John Lennon
: *imagine*. Dewey Cox
: What do you think, George Harrison of The Beatles? George Harrison
: I don't know. You know? I'm just trying to get more songs on the album. Ringo Starr
: And as Ringo Starr, I'm not so interested in meditation, I just like to have fun.
[holds up peace sign
] Dewey Cox
] I like the little one.
: [high on LSD with Dewey as a cartoon
] Just keep thinking happy thoughts, Dewey. I'd hate for this to turn into a bad trip. Dewey Cox
: [scary music plays
] Uh-oh! John Lennon
, Paul McCartney
: 'Uh-oh'? George Harrison
: What's that scary music? Dewey Cox
: I had an unhappy thought! George Harrison
: It's a bad trip. Paul McCartney
: Bad trip, bad trip! Dewey Cox
: [a machete walks up to him
] Help! Trippy machete!
[the machete cuts him in half
] Dewey Cox
: Aw, fuck me! I can see my large colon! Dewey Cox
: [wakes up frightened
] Ahh! I guess I do got some demons! George Harrison
: You alright Cox? Dewey Cox
] I don't know! Ringo Starr
: Do you want some more LSD? Dewey Cox
] Yeah, I think I do!
: But I have to say, I like your stuff. It's pretty good, and most of your records, I really enjoy. Paul McCartney
: Well, we're big fans of your records, too. We like to think that "Hard Day's Night" is our "Guilty As Charged". John Lennon
: [in a hard, Liverpool accent
] Great record! Paul McCartney
: Excellent album! We learned a lot from ya. John Lennon
: Great record. Theo
: Well, we're real big fans of y'alls! Dave
: Huge fans! You guys are almost as good as The Monkees. You guys are great.
: I just sit here while my guitar quietly wimpers. Paul McCartney
: Well you are the quiet one, so why don't you shut the fuck up? Ringo Starr
: I've got a song about an octopus. John Lennon
: Jam it up your ass. You're lucky we still let you play drums!
: Why do you know so much?I mean you don't seem like the rock and roll kind of guy Paul McCartney
: What you mean because I don't go around smashing things up and
] Paul McCartney
: acting like a dick? John
: Yea Paul McCartney
: No.It's the music.That's it,just music.Simple
: [Paul strums Banjo softy
: What is this?Fucking group practice?I don't think so. Pete
: John it's your mum's! John
: She's fucking dead!
[headbutts pete and storms out
: Want a beer? Paul McCartney
: I'd love a tea.
: C'mon, George! We're starvin'! Where are those lovely scones your mother makes?
: [singing after John has just belted out a drunken rant
] Time to go home, time to go home, Andy and Teddy are waving goodnight!
: Mick Jagger said he'd never have his old lady on stage. Paul McCartney
: Yeah, well screw him! Linda McCartney
: I already have.
: [having dressed himself up as Cupid for a "love song"
] Yoohoo, Paul! How's this? Paul McCartney
: Who in blazes are you supposed to be? Ringo Starr
: Cupid, of course. Romantic, ain't it? Hah hah hah, Yeah.
[fires an arrow which ricochets around the stage and ultimately snaps the rope from which he is hanging
] Paul McCartney
: [after Ringo has fallen on the ground
] Did you say you're Cupid or stupid? Ringo Starr
: Cupid... with a K. Paul McCartney
] Paul McCartney
: Sing, kids.