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[a very hungover Bertie opens his front door, to find a smartly dressed man standing there
: I was sent by the agency, sir. I was given to understand that you require a valet.
: [Bertie Wooster, speechless from the ill effects of a hangover, is approached by valet-applicant Jeeves, who holds out a glass of reddish liquid on a tray
] If you would drink this, sir. It's a little preparation of my own invention. Gentlemen have told me they find it extremely invigorating after a late evening. Bertie
: [Making incomprehensible sounds, Bertie takes the glass and downs the contents, then coughs, shudders, and shakes his head
] I say! I...
[Amazed at his rapid recovery, and being able to speak once more, Bertie gets up to examine himself in the nearby mirror
: I say! You're engaged! Jeeves
: Thank you, sir. My name is Jeeves. Bertie
: I say, Jeeves, what an extraordinary talent! Jeeves
: Thank you, sir. Bertie
: [holding up the empty glass
] Eh, could one enquire what...? Jeeves
: I'm sorry, sir. Bertie
: No, no, of course not. Jeeves
: I'm not at liberty to divulge the ingredients, sir. Bertie
: No, no, no, of course not. Secrets of the guild and all that. Jeeves
: Precisely, sir.
: [singing Minnie the Moocher
] Ho dee ho dee ho dee ho Jeeves
] Ho dee ho dee ho, sir. Bertie
: [stumbles a bit at the piano
] ...rah di rah di rah Jeeves
: Rah di rah di rah, sir? Bertie
: Tee di hee di hee Jeeves
: Tee di hee di hee, sir. Bertie
: Yes...hm... I don't mean to be overly critical Jeeves, I mean, I know you're doing your best... Jeeves
: Thank you, sir! Bertie
: I just think that perhaps we could dispense with the 'sir' at the end of every line. You know, shows the proper feudal spirit and all that, but I'm afraid if it doesn't play merry hell with the rhythm of the thing.
: I was sent by the agency, Sir. I was given to understand that you required a valet.
: [pausing while playing "Minnie the Moocher" on the piano
] Now that is clever, Jeeves. Jeeves
: Sir? Bertie
: That part about "the king of Sweden" and "things she was needin'." Jeeves
: Yes, His Majesty King Gustav appears to have been exceptionally generous to the young lady, sir. Bertie
: No, I mean, it rhymes, Jeeves. Jeeves
: Almost, sir.
[Bertie is driving all-out to the hall to avert disaster
] Reginald Jeeves
: [shouting over the engine and the wind
] Your pardon, sir? Bertie Wooster
] What is it, Jeeves? Reginald Jeeves
: The speedometer indicates that we are traveling in excess of 90 miles per hour! Bertie Wooster
: Good lord! Is that all?
[Bertie has been caught red-handed
] Aunt Agatha Gregson
: Bertie! I want an explanation! Bertie Wooster
[Jeeves enters, disguised by a trench coat, fedora, and huge fake moustache
] Reginald Jeeves
: All right, Scotland Yard. I'm looking for one Bertram Wilberforce Wooster. Aunt Agatha Gregson
: Scotland Yard! Bertie Wooster
: Uh, that's me. Reginald Jeeves
: Then I'm arresting you, Bertram Wilberforce Wooster, in connection with the use of an illegal golf club. Will you come quietly? Bertie Wooster
: [under his breath
] Brilliant! That is brilliant! Reginald Jeeves
: Now, none of that, if you please, sir! This way. Aunt Agatha Gregson
: [as he leads Bertie out
] Scotland Yard! Oh, the shame of it!
] Bertie Wooster
: Ah, Jeeves, how was the little chap this morning? Reginald Jeeves
: Distressingly willful, sir. Bertie Wooster
: Ah well, we must look on the bright side, Jeeves. We must think of the untold goose we have done ourselves by nannying the beast until Aunt Agatha has finished her inspection of the continent. Reginald Jeeves
: True, sir. Um, pardon me for asking, sir, but are you proposing to appear in public in those garments? Bertie Wooster
: What? Certainly, Jeeves. What, a bit vivid do you think? Reginald Jeeves
: Not necessarily, sir. I am told that Mr Freddy 'He's a Riot' Flowerdew often appears on the music-hall stage in comparable attire, but... Bertie Wooster
: No, no, no. No, no, no. No buts, Jeeves. I happen to think very highly of them.
] Reginald Jeeves
: Shall I run your bath, sir? Bertie Wooster
: Thank you, Jeeves, yes. Bertie Wooster
: Oh, Jeeves. Reginald Jeeves
: Yes, sir? Bertie Wooster
: Those plus-sixes, Jeeves. Get rid of them, will you. Reginald Jeeves
: Thank you, sir. It will be a wrench at first, but you'll feel better for it.
: A telegram for you, sir. Bertie
: [in the bathtub
] Oh, well, you'd better read it, Jeeves. Jeeves
: Very good, sir.
: "Come immediately. Serious rift Madeline and Self. Unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort reconciliation, wedding will be broken off. Reply, Gussie," sir. Bertie
: Hmm, well, these are deep waters, Jeeves. There is only one thing that I can say now with any certainty, and that is that Gussie has made an ass of himself again. Jeeves
: There is that possibility, sir. Bertie
: Have you got your telegraph pad handy? Jeeves
: Yes, sir. Bertie
: Right, well send this. Jeeves
: [clears throat to indicate readiness to receive dictation
: "Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers, Totleigh-in-the-Wold, Gloucestershire. Yes, that's all very well. You say 'come here immediately,' but how dickens can I? Relations between Pop Bassett and self not such as to make him welcome Bertram. Would hurl out on ear and set dogs on. What serious rift? Why serious rift? Why dickens? What have you been doing to the girl? Reply, Bertie."
: If one were to "get the goods" on Mr. Spode, as the underworld phraseology has it, he would be rendered a negligible force. Bertie
: Well, yes. But we haven't got anything on him. I don't even know where we'd look. Jeeves
: I was thinking of the Junior Ganymede, sir. It is a club for gentlemen's personal gentlemen in Curzon street. Bertie
: A club? What, you mean like White's? Jeeves
: Of a similar nature, sir. The surroundings are more comfortable, however, and the members less Bolshevik. Bertie
: And you're a member? Jeeves
: Oh, indeed, sir. And Mr. Spode's personal attendant is likely to be a member also, and would naturally have confided to the secretary a good deal of information to be included in the club book. Bertie
: The club book? Jeeves
: Under rule eleven, all members are required to provide the secretary with full information about their employer, sir. This not only provides entertaining reading, but also provides a warning to those seeking employment with those gentlemen who fall short of the ideal. Bertie
: Did you tell them about me? Jeeves
: Oh yes, sir. Bertie
: What, everything? The night I came home from Pongo Twistleton's birthday party and mistook the standing lamp for a burglar? Jeeves
: That episode is a particular favorite with members, sir. They like to have these things to read on wet afternoons.
: Foreign travel often liberates emotions best kept in check, sir, and the air of North America is notoriously stimulating in this regard, as witness the regrettable behaviour of its inhabitants in 1776. Bertie Wooster
: What happened in 1776, Jeeves? Reginald Jeeves
: I prefer not to dwell on it if it's convenient to you, sir.
: [on the telephone, anonymously calling the local police
] 'Tis Old Boggy. He be abroad tonight. He be headed for the railway station.
: You can't be a successful dictator *and* design women's underclothing. Jeeves
: No, sir. Bertie
: One or the other. Not both. Jeeves
: Precisely, sir.
: The problem is, I've forgotten that jolly useful word you unearthed. Jeeves
: Sir? Bertie
: The one that always reduces Spode to a quivering mass of apology. I have a feeling I may need it. Jeeves
: You are referring, I think, sir, to "Eulalie." Bertie
: Eulalie, that's it! I wish you'd tell me what it meant. I mean, I have no complaints, but it's a bit like holding up a bank and not knowing whether your gun is loaded or not. Jeeves
: I fear I'm not at liberty to disclose the details, sir. You may rest assured, however, that the weapon is loaded.
] Bertie Wooster
: Jeeves, you're a wonder. Reginald Jeeves
: Thank you, sir. We do our best.
: Have you ever seen a floral clock, Jeeves? Jeeves
: I have not had that pleasure, sir. Bertie
: No, well, don't. Have nothing whatever to do with floral clocks. If a friend says, "Just one more floral clock can't do you any harm," be firm. Jeeves
: Did you have a pleasant afternoon, sir? Bertie
: You have a cruel streak, Jeeves. I hadn't realized it before. What blighter was it that invented the bicycle? Jeeves
: The first truly rideable machine was made by a Mr. Kirkpatrick MacMillan of Dumfriesshire in Scotland in 1839, I believe, sir. Bertie
: Too late to do anything about it now, I suppose. Jeeves
: I fear so, sir.
: I am familiar with the name Bassington-Bassington, sir. There are the Shropshire Bassington-Bassingtons the Hampshire Bassington-Bassingtons and, of course, the Kent Bassington-Bassingtons. Bertie
: Ah, so, the world's pretty well stacked up on Bassington-Bassingtons then. Jeeves
: Tolerably so, sir. Bertie
: No chance of a sudden shortage, I mean, ha? Jeeves
: Presumably not, sir.