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Quotes for
Mike (Character)
from "The Monkees" (1966)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Head (1968)
Mike: [ordering at the studio commissary] I'll have a finger sandwich, hold the mold.
Davy Jones: And, uh, I'd like a glass of cold gravy with a hair in it, please.
Mrs Ace: [sarcastically] One of your own?

Testy True: [holding out her snakebitten finger] Quick! Suck it before the venom reaches my heart.
Mike: WHAT heart?

Mike: [grabbing Micky, as Davy struggles in the boxing ring] YOU are the dummy, dummy!

Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, Mike, Davy Jones: [chanted in unison] Hey hey we are the Monkees, you know we aim to please. A manufactured image with no philosophies.

Mike: Okay. You think they call us plastic now, babe, but wait 'til I get through telling them how we do it.

Micky Dolenz: C'mon let's get outta this nightclub!
Mrs Ace: But what about the food?
Mike: Have it cleaned and burned!

Davy Jones: [The Monkees are in a trench in a W.W. II movie] I can't see it's too deep!
Mike Nesmith: What you say?
Mike Nesmith: I said I can't see, it's too deep. I need another boost or something.
Micky Dolenz: Here, you can stand on my helmet. It's too heavy, I don't want to wear it, it's a drag, it presses down on my head.
Peter Tork: You really ought to wear your helmet.

Mike: All right, need a volunteer, we're out of ammo.
Peter: I'll go.
Mike: See that you do.

Peter Tork: Hey, Mike, son of a gun, a millionaire at 25.
Mike: Ask me how does it feel.
Peter Tork: What?
Mike: Ask me how does it feel.
Peter Tork: How does it feel?
Mike: I'll tell you how it feels. I don't like it, that's how it feels! I don't like surprises, I don't like all these people jumping around and shouting, wha - I don't even wanna HEAR what you're saying! Because you know what you're saying to me? You're saying "Happy Birthday" and you're jumping out of the walls and it's scaring me to death, and I'm supposed to be HAPPY about that.
Micky Dolenz: Aww, come on, Mike. Be a good sport.
Mike: Well, WHO NEEDS IT? Who needs surprises, and pajamas. You want to throw a birthday party, you don't kidnap me, you send me an invitation. Besides, I probably would have been happier where I was, sleeping. 'Happy birthday'... HAH!
[embarrassed murmer from party guests]
Mike: And I'll tell you something else too: the same thing goes for Christmas.
[shocked gasps from the guests]
Mike: Well, how 'bout THEM apples!

Mike: [Mike holds an enormous marijuana cigarette stub he has just found and laughs] This is not one of your standard brands.
Micky Dolenz: Oh, an El Zoomo!

Mike: What's the matter with her?
Micky Dolenz: [Micky begins kicking a prostrate, apparently dead Testy] Come on, get up.
Testy True: Hey, what is this?
Micky Dolenz: Come on, get up, you're not dead.
Testy True: Well, stop kicking me!
Micky Dolenz: Aw, I don't wanna do this anymore, man.
[He is shot in the stomach with two arrows, which he ignores]
Micky Dolenz: All these fake arrows and the fake trees. Bob, I'm through!
Mike: Hey... well, Mickey...
Micky Dolenz: Let's get going, man.
[Grumbles to himself as he tears a hole in the painted backdrop and walks off the set through it]

The Jumper: [Threatening to jump off a tall building] I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it! I swear I'm gonna do it!
Micky Dolenz: I say she won't.
Mike: Of course she will! Ten dollars says she will.
Micky Dolenz: Ten dollars, huh?
The Jumper: I'm gonna do it!

"The Monkees: I Was a Teenage Monster (#1.18)" (1967)
Mike: I don't think $200 dollars is gonna do us any good if we're dead!
Micky: Yeah, man. We shoulda asked for $250!

Micky: This place looks like it was condemned before it was built.
Mike: It looks like a high-rise garbage dump.

Mike: Ehm, Doctor Mendoza, I sort of assume that you want us to teach your friend Rock and Roll?
Dr. Mendoza: That's right. Rock und Roll really appeals to the little monster.
Davy: Oh, it's a child. Is he your son?
Dr. Mendoza: Yes, I guess you could say he is my own flesh and blood. Hah!

Mike: Eh, you can't really expect us to teach a monster to sing?
Dr. Mendoza: Well, he's not really a monster, he's a machine.
Mike: Well, we can't tutor a computer.

Micky: [Having given the monster a makeover] Now how does it look?
Mike: He looks like a long-haired, nearsighted monster with a guitar.

Mike: Who in the world are you?
Dr. Mendoza's Daughter: I am the doctor's beautiful daugher.
Micky: Oh eh, but what do you have to do with all this?
Dr. Mendoza's Daughter: Nothing, I'm in the sequel.

Mike: Hey doctor, you know, if we die, you could go to the chair for this.
Dr. Mendoza: Hoho, there is very little danger of you dying. Gottfried von Schnitzler says this type of experiment need not be fatal.
Mike: Who in the world is Gottfried von Schnitzler?
Dr. Mendoza: Oh, you know Gottfried, he's a little boy who lives down the hill.

Monster: Groovy man, that's not my bag. Don't get uptight.
Davy: Hey, he's become a hippie.
Monster: Let's split, go to my pad. That's where it's at. Groovy? Dig?
Mike: Oh great, now we got a super hippie on our hands.

Peter: Android, Andy! Andy, wait, I'm Peter, your friend. The doctor is an evil man. He wants to exploit you. You're only a pawn in his hands! A tool for his apporicious ambition.
Mike: Apporicious ambitions? Where did he get that?
Davy: It's in the script.
Mike: Are you sure?
Davy: Yes, on page 28.

Mike: [Talking on the phone] Eh that's right officer, it's the big scary looking house on the very top of the hill. What? Oh, just a second I'll have to check.
Mike: [walks over to Dr. Mendoza who is being tied up] Hey Doctor, what's the name of this street?
Dr. Mendoza: Rosebud Lane.
Mike: Rosebud - I thought that was the name of a sled?

"The Monkees: Captain Crocodile (#1.23)" (1967)
Micky: Man, we are on the road to suc-cess!
Mike: We're almost at the top of the heights!
Davy: We're nearly at the top of the heap!
Peter: It's all downhill from here!

Junior Pinter: You think I'm short?
Mike: Eh, well, no, where did you get that idea?
Junior Pinter: From the people who are taller than me.
Davy: You know, I think he's quite tall, meself.
Micky: You would.

Mike: [to Captain Crocodile] Listen, either you let us play, or we quit!

Mike: [Having just performed Valleri] Well, that was it, how did it go, how did it go, how did it go?
Stage Manager: How did what go? We've been off the air for five minutes.

Mike: [parodying The Huntley-Brinkley Report] Good evening, this is Chett Hinkley.
Micky: And David Brentley.
Peter: And Brett Chinkley.
Davy: And Chuck Hankley.
Mike: And this is Dave Barkley.
Micky: And Chuck Weekley.
Micky: And Charler Walltight.
Davy: And Hank Chuckley.
Mike: And this is John Smith.
Micky: And... John Smith?

Mike: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Mike Nesmith. And on my left is the delightful and charming personality, David Jones
Davy: Thank you, Mike.
Mike: No sweat.
Peter: And on my left, is the charming and delightful Peter Tork.
Peter: Thank you, David. And on my charming and delightful, is the left moderator, Micky Dolenz.
Micky: Thank you, my charming panel.

Mike: [reading hate-mail from viewers] Arrogant ego-maniacs?
Micky: Long haired weirdoes?
Davy: Loathsome teenagers?
Peter: Delightful and well bred.
Junior Pinter: Who wrote that?
Peter: My mother.

Mike: [Disguised as a kindly little old building janitor] Hello, I'm the kindly little old building janitor. And I just wanted to tell you that I've got twelve grandchildren at home and they all watch the show, just because the Monkees is on.
Captain Crocodile: This is ridiculous!
J.J. Pontoon: Eh, eh, let the man speak. Now, before The Monkees appeared, did your grandchildren ever watch the show?
Mike: Oh, no, no. I'd seen it once, I remember seeing it well, I watched it for about five minutes and then I thought to myself: why am I sitting here watching this show when I could be out, cleaning garbage cans?

Micky: [pretending to read a story from a dictionary] Once upon a time in the land of Kirshner, there was a, a handsome prince in love with a frog and three little pigs. And he didn't know how he would get through the forest, 'cause the wicked grandmother had given him a poisoned apple. So, he was walking through the forest, and eh, with goodies, in a, in a basket, and eh...
Mike: [Mike takes over the dictionary] And he came, he came across the wicked stepladder. Who eh, who was, eh, pretty, eh, tall, because of all the prongs, and she said, eh, you rang? And he said: sure the runs... because he had this basket of goodies and oooh.
Davy: [hands the dictionary to Davy] He had the basket of goodies and, eh started walking towards the little Snow White's little house where the, where the six, eh, midgets lived...
Micky: Seven!
Davy: With the four frogs. Seven midgets with the four frogs and the toadstools were beginning to, to look bad, because eh, Columbus was eh...
Peter: [Peter takes over the dictionary] Eh, eh, eh. Commando: Allied troop in unit in who-who-two.

"The Monkees: Fairy Tale (#2.16)" (1968)
Peter: Oh fair Princess. I have loved you from afar lo these many moons. May I carry you across the mud?
Mike: [as Princess] You carry me across the mud? Ha Ha. I'm a princess. You're nothing but a lonely little peasant, a wayward serf, the lowest of the low.
Peter: So you've heard of me.
Mike: I will honor your spine with a walk across it. Down peasant.
Peter: My spine thanks you.
Mike: Down
[she steps on back and crosses]
Peter: There's a 50 cent toll at the other end.
Mike: Shut up or I'll have you paved.
Peter: Except for royal traffic, of course.

The Town Crier: Once upon a time in the little village of Avon-On-Calling there were four young men. There was Mike...
Mike the Cobbler: Hi, I'm Mike and I'm the cobbler, ha!
The Town Crier: And Davy...
Davy the Taylor: Hi, I'm Davy and I'm the taylor, aha!
The Town Crier: And Micky...
Micky the Innkeeper: Hi, I'm Micky, and I'm the innkeeper.
The Town Crier: And Peter.
Peter, peasant of Tork: Hi, I'm Peter, and I'm out of work.

Mike the Cobbler: [commenting on Princess Gwen, whom he also plays] Wow! What a great looking chick!

Fairy Of The Locket: Eh, you, you shall cut a pair of shoes that can scale high walls.
Mike the Cobbler: A shoes that will sc- that will scale...
Fairy Of The Locket: You, you shall sow me a set of mail that nothing can penetrate
Davy the Taylor: I'll sew a sote, a send you a suit, in the mail, right.
Fairy Of The Locket: Yeah. and you, you shall forge a kitchen knife into a sword that can cut through iron.
Micky the Innkeeper: Richt, forge, yeah right! Heheh.
Peter, peasant of Tork: What about me?
Fairy Of The Locket: You shall collect unemployment while your friends are working.

Fairy Of The Locket: But remember, you must not drop or crush or lose the locket.
Micky the Innkeeper: Ah, cause it will lose it's magic, right?
Mike the Cobbler: Way to go, man!
Fairy Of The Locket: No, cause I'll be killed, stupid, it's my home!

Peter, peasant of Tork: Why do I have to go into the scary forest and face the dragon and safe the Princess? I don't even like her anymore!
Mike the Cobbler: Don't even like her? Man, that's the grooviest looking chick I ever saw!

Dragon of the Moat: What has six eyes, six ears, and a short life?
Micky the Innkeeper: Three dumb peasants.
Dragon of the Moat: Hey, that's right.
Davy the Taylor: That's a good one.
Mike the Cobbler: How did you know that, wow!
Dragon of the Moat: Lower the drawbridge!

Mike: Well, that wraps up another laugh riot and this is...
Micky: Mike Nesmith.
Mike: Micky Dolenz.
Davy: And Peter Tork.
Peter: And Davy Jones.
Princess Gwen: And Micky Dolenz.
Mike: Reminding you to save the Texas Prairie Chicken.

"The Monkees: Monkees on the Line (#1.28)" (1967)
Drehdal: Do you say you boys were looking for a job?
[the Monkees all shake their heads no]
Drehdal: Well, why didn't you say so? You, you know how to pick up a telephone?
Peter: Yes, yes I do.
[Peter picks up a phone that didn't ring, and holds the phone upside down on his ear]
Peter: Hello, hello? This one's broken.
Drehdal: Boys, I'll make you a deal. You stay here and take care of my phones, I'll pay the regular salary and I'll throw in something extra. What do you say?
Mike: [All of the boys, speak the same time] Hold it, hold it. Wait, we can't do this, we're musicians.
Drehdal: Great. You can listen to the dial tone.
[She laughs and so does Micky, but then the boys start heading toward the door]
Drehdal: Hey, wait a minute. Where ya goin'?
Mike: Um, well we were going to talk it over.
Drehdal: Talk, talk. What's to talk about? Don't you realize what you can do here? You can feel the warm heart of this cruel world.
[the Monkees start to see her as the Statue of Liberty with her wearing a purple dress and a telephone on her torch]
Drehdal: The ideas of the very things that happens and you can be part of it. The city will be in your fingers. Come answer the phone.
Peter: [All of the Monkees are crying] I don't want to be a murderer.
[Drehdal looks confused and you stop seeing her as the "Statue of Liberty."]
Mike: We'll do it. We'll do it!
Drehdal: Good! Oh, I forgot to mention. In order to bring this cruelness in the world, don't get involved with the clients. Alright, which one of you will go first?
Mike: [Al of the Monkees speak at the same time] Hold it, hold it. We'll just check our fingers.
[He looks at his]
Mike: Ooh-la-la! I guess that means I have the city in my fingertips.
Peter: How come Mike always wins?
Micky: He's got six fingers on that hand.
Davy: Look Mike, maybe we'll check in with you later, ok? Goodbye, Mrs. Drehdal.
Drehdal: Bye boys.
[the other Monkees leave]
Mike: Well, got to get to work. Ooh, this is going to be fine and look a never ending sea of telephones.
[Drehdal and Mike talk at the same time]
Mike: It's a wonderful place you got here.
Drehdal: Well, now that you guys are firm, I can go to Jamaica with a free mind.
Mike: Jamaica?
Drehdal: That's right, honey.
Mike: Wait! You have to tell me how to work this thing.
Drehdal: Well, nothing can be easier. The phone rings ding-a-ling-a-ling. You plug it in the hole. You answer it, you write down the message. When the client calls you give them the message. What can be easier?
Mike: Going to Jamaica. Well, hold it.
Drehdal: Yeah?
Mike: I just noticed this red button on the wall. It's a button and it's on a wall. What's it for?
Drehdal: Push it if you get tired. Bye-bye, honey!

Mike: Can I have my hat, please?
[beckons to someone off screen]
Mike: Hat, please!
[his light blue wool hat is tossed into his hands]
Mike: Thank you, babe.
Micky: Where did you get that?
Mike: From the wardrobe.

Mike: Now look, I know things get kinda bleak some times, and It looks like the whole world's just running around in circles.
[cut to a footballplayer wearing a policeman's hat, Mrs. Smith, a jungle explorer wearing a gorilla mask, a marathon man, a girl in a towel, a gorilla with the explorer's hardhat and policeman Smith wearing a rugby helmet running down the hall]

Mike: Promise me one thing.
Ellen Farnsby: Anything, as long... as it hurts.

Micky: Hey, what happened to that girl?
Mike: Oh, well, through my clever manipulation of her heartstrings and my... masculinity and my purseasiveness, she...
Davy: Jumped out the window?
Mike: No, she promised she wouldn't do anything until tomorrow.
Peter: Then she jumps out the window?

Mike: Well, you know what I always say...
Davy: What?
Mike: Behind every dark cloud there is usually rain.

Mike: Urgent answering service.
Ellen Farnsby: I had to speak to someone. I just can't go on. I'm so alone, so terribly alone.
Mike: Alone?
[Another phone rings]
Mike: Uh, hold on a second. Hello? Um, no here's not here right now, can I take a message?
[the person hangs up]
Mike: Well, what do you mean it's none of my business?
[He goes back to the woman on the phone]
Mike: Hello? Now, honey what were you saying?
Ellen Farnsby: I just can't go on. I had to speak to someone. I feel so alone, so completely alone.
Mike: Wait, hold on who's these message for?
Ellen Farnsby: Who's it for? It's for the whole rotten world.
Mike: The whole rotten world?
[a different phone rings]
Mike: Hold on a second. Hello? No, I'm sorry we don't have a telephone.
[He hangs up]
Mike: Hello?
Ellen Farnsby: Where'd you go? Hello?
Mike: Now, what were you saying?
Ellen Farnsby: I just can't go on! I'm going to end it all and don't try to stop me!
Mike: [Other phones are ringing and Mike doesn't know where to talk now] Well, wait! Don't do it, don't do it!
Ellen Farnsby: [Mike gets tangled up with the phone wires] Hello. Hello? Are you there?
[She hangs up]

Mike: Okay, fine, I got the number of this answering service out of the phone book, and we'll just call 'em up... I mean, you never know how many new things are gonna open up for you when there's somebody always there to answer your phone. You can get jobs... and millions of things... there's always somebody there, morning, noon, and night... 24 hours a day, they're right there on the job and never fail.
Micky: ...well?
Mike: Well, it's... there's no answer.

"The Monkees: The Wild Monkees (#2.10)" (1967)
Mike: [having just had a nasty reaction to drinking some water] Where did you get that water?
Peter: From the car, like Mickey said
Mike: Where in the car?
Peter: From the radiator.
Davy: [Micky starts flipping out] Oh Micky, don't wo - Listen, it's a good job he didn't get it from the petrol tank.
Peter: That's what I meant, the petrol tank.

Micky: Oh, a virtual Disney-land for shut-ins.
Mike: No it's not, man. They don't let people with long hair in Disney-land.

Micky: Where can we eat?
Mike: Yeah, we'd like to eat.
Blauner: Eat? How can you eat when I have no waiter?
Peter: Where's your waiter?
Blauner: Oh, I have a waiter, and I have a bellhop and I have a gardener but they're not working...
Mike: You should go out there to wherever the're at, and as an employer, demand that they go to work.
Blauner: Right.
Blauner: Go to work!
Mike: What do you mean go to work, we're a band.
Blauner: Oh, I hire no bands at this hotel, I hire waiters and I hire gardners and I hire bellhops and if they happen to play a few musical intruments, wonderful, wonderful!

Nan: Michael?
Mike: Yes?
Nan: You remind me of someone very close to me.
Mike: Hmhm, I knew it, I knew it.
Nan: Someone I could cuddle with and go to whenever I felt sad.
Mike: Oh go ahead, dear, pour out all your sadness to me, I'll understand, I will, I will. I have his picture here, would you like to see it?
Nan: I have his picture here, would you like to see it?
Mike: Oh! The picture of the male I most remind you of, of course, of course I'd like to see it, let me see it!
Mike: [she hands him the picture] It's a Cocker Spaniel.

Nan: Why do you make all those funny faces?
Mike: [double takes at the camera] With my paranoia I need this abuse.

Micky: Al right, now let's take the pledge.
[picks up script]
Micky: it says here, in the script...
Mike: Handbook.
Micky: Handbook. We pledge to obey the laws of dirt and violence.
Davy: I do that.
Peter: Right.
Mike: I do that.
Micky: To curb our desire for a bath.
Mike, Davy, Peter: Right.
Micky: And to offend all living things.
Mike, Davy, Peter: Right.

Big Butch: Alright, punk. What's the name of your club, punk?
Micky: Eh, we're The Chickens.
Peter: Yeah, yeah.
Mike: Yeah, the Chickens. We used to be called like the Fearfull Four and we also used to be called like The Cowards...
Davy: Yellow Bill... Yellow Bell...
Mike: The Yellow Bellies.

Peter: I move we fight! Our honor has been smirched.
Mike: What?
Peter: Eh, smirred.
Mike: What?
Peter: Bedirtied.
Mike: What?
Peter: Well, they hurt my feelings.

"The Monkees: I've Got a Little Song Here (#1.12)" (1966)
Davy: What do you want to do?
Mike: Oh, I don't know. I just thought I'd sort of sit around the house and FAIL.

Bernard Class: You didn't come here to exchange pleasantries, Nesmouth.
Mike: Nesmith.
Bernard Class: What can High Class Music do for you?
Mike: Well, eh, Mr. eh...?
Bernard Class: Class.
Mike: Oh, you're High Class?
Bernard Class: No, no, no, I'm Bernie. My brother's the one who started the business.
Mike: Oh, he's High Class.
Bernard Class: No, his name is Irving.
Mike: Irving? Well then how come it's called High Class Music Publishing Company?
Bernard Class: Would you come to an Irving Class music Publishing Company?

Mike: Joanie Janz? She's the hottest thing in showbusiness!
Bernard Class: Joanie Jans in my opinion is the finest living or dead singer alive today.

Bernard Class: Nestlerow, you gotta have some vision. How old are you?
Mike: Twenty one.
Bernard Class: When I was your age, I was twenty two.

Bernard Class: Someday you'll be passing a theater marquee and then you'll see it in neon letters ten feet high, your name: Mike Nashmirth.
Mike: Nesmith!

Mike: Ah, pardon me, Miss Janz?
Joanie Janz: Oh! One of the little people. I'm proud and just a little bit humbled to be able to give you my autograph.
Joanie Janz: [Uses a stamp to sign a picture] There, little person.

Mike: I came to tell ya, that how much I appreciate that you're doing my song in your new show.
Joanie Janz: Well, I'm proud and just a little bit humbled to say I don't know what the devil you're talking about.
Mike: Aw, sure you do, you know, it's kind of a bouncy tune... You're doing it in your new flick.
Joanie Janz: A bouncy tune... in 'The Wolfgirl meets the Vampire in the Old West'?

Davy: [Watching Peter flying as a Monkeeman] Hey, he can fly.
Mike: Who, Peter?
Davy: No.
Micky: A speeding bullet's much faster than that.

"The Monkees: Monkees in Texas (#2.13)" (1967)
[Wielding their weapons]
Micky: Winchester '73!
Davy: Colt .45!
Mike: Smith and Wesson .38!
Peter: [wielding champagne bottle] Vintage '66!
Mike: How in the world will you be able to do anything with "Vintage '66"?
Peter: You're right. I wish I had Vintage '55.

Micky: Are you sure Aunt Kate won't mind us coming?
Mike: The last time I was here, she said: drop in any time.
Davy: When was that?
Mike: Spring of '54.

Black Bart: Have ya had enough, Nesters?
Mike: The name is Nesmith and if you're gonna scream it out here in the middle of a war, get it right. That's Nesmith!
Peter: I thought Mike's name was Nester?
Mike: N.A.P.K.Y.O.R.J.P.
Aunt Kate Nesmith: No, no 'nester' means farmer. He's right, he means nesters.
Mike: Oh? Oh, hey, I'm sorry, er, I didn't realize, you know, and it seems you were right in the first place, so go ahead with your speech.

Aunt Kate Nesmith: Don't you remember your baby cousin Lucy?
Mike: Huh? Lucy? Are you Lu- Well, what, well, what ever happened to the, the buck teeth, the knock kneed, stringy haired, bad complexion little girl that I used to hang around with?
Aunt Kate Nesmith: That's your other cousin Clara, she still looks the same.
Mike: Merciful heavens.

Mike: I'm taking this dirt into town and I'll have it analyzed. When I get back I'll know one of two things.
Aunt Kate Nesmith: What's that?
Mike: Well, either this dirt is the cause of all your trouble, or I'm getting my hands dirty for nothing.

Mike: [Mike walks up to the bartender at the saloon] Eh, hello, can you tell me where the assayer's office is?
Bartender: [suddenly the bartender has a green cap on his head and a sign on the counter that says 'Assayer'] This is it.
Mike: Oh, well, what I'd like is to have that analyzed. Could you tell me what that is?
Bartender: [hands him a jar of dirt from the Nesmith farm] I don't have to analyze it, I can tell you what it is right now.
Mike: Well, what?
Bartender: It's guk! And it's disgusting, go and get it outta here.

Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Mike: Kate, you started this ranch with a handful of dirt and a dream. Now, with this oil we found, you'll be one of the wealthiest ranchers in Texas. Not to mention having the dirtiest hands.

Mike: [on the phone] Are you sure that it's not listed, operator? It's very important.
Davy: Mike, Mike...
Mike: What?
Davy: Who are you calling?
Mike: John Wayne.

"The Monkees: Monkee See, Monkee Die (#1.2)" (1966)
Mike: We'll pay you the rent as soon as you fix the things you promised to fix.
Babbitt: Fix? What fix? This place is like a castle!

Mike: Wanna read my palm?
Micky: No, I'll wait until they make it into a movie.

Madame Roselle: How do you do, you're very happy to meet me.
Mike: Ah, yes ma'm we are, ah listen, can you really and truly...
Madame Roselle: Can I read minds and see the future you were about to say. Yes I can.

Ralph: It's the middle of our foggy season.
Mike: Foggy sea- What do you Foggy season. When is that?
Ralph: It's hard to estimate, sir. I would say aproximately from 1820 to 1975.

Mike: The wires have been cut.
Peter: They've been tied in a bow.
Micky: We'll at least we know that the murderer's very neat.

Mike: Now lets see, all we got to do is strap a message to it's leg and we- erm, there's already a message here, strapped to it's leg.
Peter: What's it say?
Mike: Please don't strap a message to my leg, I am not a carrier pigeon.

Mike: Wanna read my palm?
Micky: No, wait'll they make it into a movie.

"The Monkees: The Devil and Peter Tork (#2.20)" (1968)
[the Monkees get a visual idea of Hell via a video romp to their song "Salesman" and are noticably shaken when they snap back to their house]
Mike: So that's, uh, that's what...
[Mike mutters the term Hell, but his voice is replaced by a cuckoo sound effect]
Mike: all about.
Davy: Yeah.
Davy: pretty scary.
Micky: You know what's even more scary?
Peter: What?
Micky: [looking straight at the camera] You can't say...
[We hear the cuckoo sound effect but can clearly read Micky's lips as he says Hell]
Micky: ...on television.

Mike: Peter, this is a contract with the Devil!
Mr. Zero: I'm so glad I don't have to introduce myself...

Mr. Zero: Are you ready, Peter?
Micky: Eh, no, no, he's not ready. You see, eh, well, he left his suit in the cleaners!
Davy: And not only that...
Micky: He's not ready to go!
Davy: ...he, he's got to write a letter to his mother, haven't ye?
Peter: I have a million things to do, couldn't it be tomorrow?
Mike: Oh! I remember reading in the paper. why, that due to a lack of interest, tomorrow was canceled so we'll have to make it the day after tomorrow.

Mr. Zero: Don't worry, Peter, you'll like it down below.
Mike: What about the fires?
Mr. Zero: People are always talking about the fires, you don't burn, all you'll feel, is a sense of depression...

Mr. Zero: I gave him the ability to play the harp... in return for a soul.
Peter: You know, it was almost worth it.
Mike: No, you didn't give him the ability to play the harp. You see... you see, Peter loved the harp. And he loved, he loved the music that came from the harp. And that was inside of him. And, eh, it came, uhm, it was... the power of that love was inside of Peter, eh, it was inside of him from the first. And it was that kind of power, that made Peter able to play the harp. And, eh, you didn't have anything to do with it at all.

Mike: And if you love music, than you can play music. And all it takes is just love, because eh, because baby, in the final analysis love is power. That's where the power's at!

Mike: Come on, Micky. I mean, everybody knows that nobody in the world was ever an overnight success.
[Mike answers the phone]
Mike: Hello?
Voice on telephone: Harris Booking Agency. I understand you guys have a harp act.
Mike: [as Micky and Davy look on puzzled] A harp act. Uh, right.
Voice on telephone: You're going to be an overnight success!
Mike: [puzzled but not suspecting Zero has tipped off anyone] Uh, okay, uh thank you very much.
Mike: [after hanging up the phone] Hmm, that's a flash.
Micky: What?
Mike: We're gonna be an overnight success.

"The Monkees: Monkee Mayor (#2.4)" (1967)
Mike: Hello, Mayor Motley. My name is Mike Nesmith and I'd like to talk to you about this new parking lot that's...
Mayor Motley: I'm eh, sorry, Nesmyer, but I don't hire any construction workers.

Mayor Motley: Now then, Neswosh...
Mike: Nesmith.
Mayor Motley: Our country was settled in 1612...
Mike: Well I know that...
Mayor Motley: From cross the shores...
[cut to stock footage of Peter and Mike playing cowboys and indians]
Mayor Motley: From across the shores the pilgrims landed and found Indians.
Mike: Yeah...
Mayor Motley: Luckily they moved those indians. Why, throwing people out of their homes is the American way!
Mike: Huh?
Mayor Motley: Then we are in total agreement. And Nesboum, I wanna to thank you as one good American to another, for enlightening me as to your opinion.

Mike: And so, untill this crisis is over, I will hunker down like a jackass in a hall storm, dot, dot, dot.
Davy: Oh Mike, that's terrible. No politician would ever say a thing like that.

Mike: Old politician never die, they just rot away.

Peter: [Opening an envelope from a sack of mail] Hey, look at it, it's a half a check for a hundred dollars!
Mike: [grabs the contents of the envelope] It's two halves of a hundred dollar check!
Peter: It's a check for two hundred dollars!
Mike: [Mike looks confused] It's two checks for fifty dollars?

Mayor Motley: Mr. Nesmith?
Mike: Nishwash.

Micky: This is it! It's those thousands of little people sending in their nickels, dimes, and quarters.
Mike: But these checks are for hundreds, and thousands!
Micky: This is it, Mike, it's those thousands of big people sending their hundreds and thousands.
Davy: Hey, what are we gonna do with all this money?
Micky: It's two days to election. We can blow this town wide open!
Mike: Micky, the town's already wide open. That's what we're trying to change.
Micky: It's two days to election, we can blow this town wide closed!

"The Monkees: Monkees Manhattan Style (#1.30)" (1967)
Davy: My family dates back almost 400 years, to the earliest rich people. This is H. L. Nesmith, he owns a small spread in southern Texas. Eh, what's the name of the ranch again, Mr. Nesmith?
Mike: Uh, Houston.

Interviewer: You've reached a certain amount of success, if that was suddenly like taken away, wiped out, where would you be today?
Peter: I'd go back to the Village and be a folk singer.
Interviewer: How 'bout you, Davy?
Davy: I'd go back to the Village and watch him be a folk singer.
Interviewer: Mike?
Mike: I'd probably go burn the Village.

Mike: You are not! I'm uglier than you!
Davy: No, I'm the ugliest!
Mike: I'm the ugliest! It's me, it's me, it's me!
Micky: Alright, I lose!

Baker: I guess I shouldn't have come to New York city.
Mike: Oh, for garden seed, McKinley! There's gotta be more than one person in New York who's willing to produce a show that's written by an unknown and directed by an unknown and starring the Monkees.
[rapidly losing faith in what he's saying]

Butler: Yes sir?
Davy: Hello, my name is David Armstrong Jones. My family dates back nearly four hundred years, to the earliest rich people.
Butler: But this club is for special manners.
Davy: This is H.L. Nesmith, he owns small spread in Southern Texas. Eh, what's the name of the ranch again, Mr. Nesmith?
Mike: Eh, Houston.
Davy: This the Sheik Farouk Dolenza.
Mike: I would like to build a new wing to your building.
Butler: Oh, I'm sorry, but we cannot except a gift.
Micky: This is not a gift, it's charity.
Davy: Eh, this is Pete, Peter DeWit, a rich man's son. Tell him what your father does.
Peter: He's in garbage disposal.

Interviewer: You've reached a certain amount of success. If that were something, like taken away, wiped out, where would you be today?
Peter: I'd go back to the village and be a folk singer.
Interviewer: How about you, Davy?
Davy: I'd go back to the village and watch him be a folk singer.
Interviewer: Mike?
Mike: I'd probably go burn the village.
Micky: I'd probably be dating my science teacher.

Mike: Why do you want a house? To keep the wind off of me!

"The Monkees: Monkees Mind Their Manor (#2.23)" (1968)
Mike: You better cool it, man, this guy is denting our couch.

Peter: [packing Davy's suitcase] Gee, Davy, I wish we could all go to England with you, man.
Micky: Boy, that'd be a great idea, if we could all make the trip together.
Mike: Are you kidding me, man, we don't have the money to go down to corner for gum.

Mary Friar: Oh, don't condemn poor Lance. You musn't make fun of a drunkard.
Mike: Sot.
Mary Friar: Sot. It happened during the war you see, everybody was getting bombed then. He just never stopped, that's all.

Davy: What do the young people do in this town for excitement?
Mary Friar: They move to the big city.
Mike: Oh, and now we're gonna get a rash of small town jokes.
Mary Friar: Oh, no, it's usually quite exciting. Last year we found a mole... in the lawn.

Mike: Now look, you'll be just fine, as long as you remember everything that I tought you.
Davy: But you didn't teach me anything!
Mike: Well, then fake it!

Mike: Oh! Hello there! Well, that wraps up another half-hour of hilarious situation comedy of The Fantastic Four: Daby, Peekel, Micky and Perkal, Mycontchek...
[clears throat]
Mike: us! And we'll be back next week with more riotous fun laughters and hilarious bits of antics and humor...
Peter: Hey Mike, can I say something?
Mike: [thinks about it for a moment] Yeah, ok, go ahead.
Peter: I just wanted to give our viewers, and listeners who's been so nice to us, I wanted to give them our Christmas message which is all about peace and love
Mike: Now wait a, hold it. You can- Man, come on, it's the middle of Februari, you can't give them a Chirstmas message now.
Peter: Well, why not?
Mike: Why not? Well because you just, you don't well uh, oh...
[stumped for words]

Mike: [to Davy, before a duel] Take the sword and defend your honor and the manor, in that order.

"The Monkees: Hillbilly Honeymoon (#2.7)" (1967)
[Micky runs in]
Micky: Where's Jud?
Maw Weskitt: Over there.
[Mike runs in]
Mike: Where's Jud?
Maw Weskitt: Same place.

Mike: Look, Jud, if you want to be qualified for Ella Mae, you got to treat her like a gentleman.
Jud Weskitt: But she's a girl.
Micky: [to camera] Isn't that dumb?

Mike: You gotta be sweet instead of surly. You gotta be tender instead of taciturn. You gotta... you gotta be amiable instead of angry.
Jud Weskitt: Then what?
Mike: Then what? Well, you can ask yourself "Whatever happened to the good old Jud Weskitt?"

Jud Weskitt: Who's you?
Mike: You remember your cousins Claude & Leroy?
Jud Weskitt: No I don't.
Mike: Do you remember your cousins Luke & Ezra?
Jud Weskitt: No I don't.
Mike: You remember your cousins Roland & Clem?
Jud Weskitt: Er, yes, I do!
Mike: Yep, well, that's who we are, Roland & Clem.
Jud Weskitt: Whatever happened to cousins Luke, Ezra, Claude & Leroy?
Mike: Well, they said, say hello.
Jud Weskitt: Hello!

Mike: Do you see anything?
Micky: No, just wall to wall dirt.

Mike: Listen...
Jud Weskitt: What?
Mike: Ella Mae Chubber's gettin hitched.
Jud Weskitt: Well, what happened, did Chubber's horse die?
Mike: Did the chubbers horse die? No, not to a wagon, man, she's getting married!

Maw Weskitt: Well who's gonna make a gentleman outta my boy in one hour?
Micky: Only one man in the world can do that, Maw, couse he's had eight marriages himself. Raybert presents: comin' straight from the mountains: Uncle Raccoon!
Peter: [Peter enters dressed like Davy Crocket, speaking with a German accent] Someone here have trouble with ze marriage?
Mike: That's the wrong accent!

"The Monkees: The Monkee's Paw (#2.19)" (1968)
Micky: [as young Mendrek] I came all this way to find The High Lama! Where is he?
Mike: [as The Regular Lama] Well, I'm afraid you're out of luck. He's out back, sleepin' it off.
Micky: You don't MEAN...?
Mike: Yes, what I mean, that's how he got his name!

Manager: What, are you crazy? Nobody sings with their feet!
Mike: What do you mean, nobody sings - of course they sing with their feet, I mean, eh, didn't you ever hear of the movie, eh, 'Young man with a corn'?
Peter: Yeah, and how about 'Flat Foot Floojy With A Floy-Floy'?
Mike: Anybody can sing, it's not everybody can play their feet. No sirree bob.

Mike: [pointing at a blackboard] Alright, now that we got all this down: 'apple', 'kat', 'hare krishna', 'Frodis', 'legalize wisdom' and of course 'save the Texas prairie chicken', we're going to our next lession which is, speech.

Mike: You know what, I think it's a mental problem.
Peter: You can say that again!
Mike: Now, and where do you go when you have a mental problem?
Peter: Well, you go to eh, you know, to the mental problem analyst.

Psychiatrist: Well, we give you a little test. Ja, a test
[picks up a colorful Rorschach picture]
Psychiatrist: What does that appear to seem to be to you?
[Micky starts to reply but no sounds come from his mouth]
Mike: That looks exactly like a bunch of flowers to me.
Psychiatrist: I am talking to him.
Mike: I'm, I'm sorry.
Psychiatrist: Hmm. You're such a silly. This is obviously a bunny... and a chicken. Ja? Now.
Peter: It looks like a tomato ketchup stain to me.
Psychiatrist: Since you two came together, this is a bunny and a chicken. Hmm? Now!
Davy: It looks like a bunch of birds dancing to me, you know.
Psychiatrist: You three should form a group. It is a bunny... and a chicken!
Mike: Well wait a minute, there's no need to get hostile about it.
Psychiatrist: Don't you give me that hostile stuff, or I'll hit you! It's a bunny and a chicken!
Mike: I'm sorry, man, that's just a bunch of flowers.
Davy: It looks like a bunch of girls dancing.
Psychiatrist: A bunny and a chicken!
Mike: A bunch of flowers.
Psychiatrist: A bunny and a chicken!
Peter: A tomato ketchup stain.
Psychiatrist: A bunny and a chicken!
Davy: A bunch of birds dancing.
Psychiatrist: A bunny and a chicken!

Davy: [Micky, Mike and Peter are dressed as the Marx Brothers] Now who wants an act with a fuzzy headed mute harpist, an Italian with a weird looking felt hat and another guy with a long nose, a moustache and a smelly cigar. It's not commercial, I wouldn't buy the act, I wouldn't buy it.
Mike: You're right, there's no audience identification.

Mike: One day Micky wished that he wouldn't talk and all of a sudden he just stopped, which is a stone drag.

"The Monkees: Mijacogeo (#2.26)" (1968)
Davy: What's happened to Peter?
Mike: Well, eh, he's probably not back from his dream yet.
Micky: Impossible, man, Peter doesn't dream.

Mike: You're telling me it was unbelievable. You think that was something, you ought to see what happens after the commercial.

Davy: [Micky, Mike and Davy cram into a telephone booth to change into Monkeemen] Hold it!
Micky: What, what?
Davy: Look at that:
Mike: What do you mean, hold it?
Davy: [starts to read a sign] Federal Law W443 paragraph 7 prohibits the use of any public phonebooth for the purpose of changing into or out of secret identities.
Micky: [gasps] But if we don't change into our secret identities, the entire television audience is doomed!
Davy: Hey, look, look, it's the Heat!
[Telephone Co. van drives by]

Mike: Hey, wait a minute, guys, you know what? It's seven thirty, six thirty central time. It's time for The Monkees. I wonder if anybody around here has got a television set?

Micky: Oh man, if we could only get in touch with somebody...
Mike: How about Peter?
Micky: No, he's at the pad.
Mike: I... Mental telepathy!
Davy: Oh, oh, you mean that psychedelic stuff?
Mike: Yeay, all the groups are doing it, you know, psycho jello.

Peter: This is incredible. I feel as if I though I were being compelled to move by a chant from the transcendental meditations of an Indian Mystic.
Micky: [disembodied voice] No Peter, it's a chant I got with a cereal box-top.
Peter: Oh.
Micky: [cut to Micky and Mike in Eastern garb] Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, it's working, it's working...
Mike: How do you know, how do you know?
Micky: I saw the last scene... I saw the last scene...

"The Monkees: Monkees Get Out More Dirt (#1.29)" (1967)
Mike: What's that?
April Conquest: I'm working on my doctor's thesis.
Mike: Oh, why can't your doctor work on his own thesis?

April Conquest: I'm working on my doctor's thesis.
Mike: Why can't your doctor work on his own thesis?

April Conquest: Oh Mike, you ride a bike.
Mike: That's right baby, and fish can swim.

Mike: You know, It's stupid, four guys moonin' over the same girl.
Peter: She's lovely.
Davy: Delightful.
Micky: With a richer, longer, everlasting charm.

Dr. Lorene Sisters: [on TV] Our next letter is from 'Tormented'.
Peter: Hey, that's me, Tormented!
Peter: [the other Monkees join Peter around the TV set] Get out of my area!
Mike: Oh, shut up.
Dr. Lorene Sisters: [on TV] It reads: Dear Doctor Sisters, my three friends and I are all in love with the same girl. These friends are very dear to me, and I wouldn't want to lose them for the world.
[Micky, Mike and Davy cheer for Peter]
Dr. Lorene Sisters: So my question is, what can I do to cut them out?
[Mickey, Mike and Davy boo Peter]
Dr. Lorene Sisters: Tormented, you say in the rest of your heartbreaking and ungramatical letter that you boys have made this girl fond of each of you, by taking on interests she likes.
Davy: That's right, what of it?
Dr. Lorene Sisters: I'll tell you what of it. You've placed this girl in a dangerously emotional state. She is now drawn to four different boys. And this unresolved conflict could lead to a nervous collapse.
Micky: You gotta be kidding!
Dr. Lorene Sisters: Do I look like a kidder?

Davy: April is the cruelest month.
Mike: Well, I guess it just goes to prove what Shakespeare said: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night...
Micky: Please! No morals...

"The Monkees: Monkees in the Ring (#1.20)" (1967)
Davy: Don't you want me to be rich and famous?
Peter: I'd rather have you alive and well.
Mike: Yeah, Besides, you don't know anything about boxing!
Peter: Yeah.
Davy: That's not so! I used to be quite a scrapper at school, y'know. There was this one big bully, always used to be pickin' on me, so one day I went wham-o! with a right and wham-o! with a left!
Mike: And what then, what happened?
Davy: She never bothered me again.

Mike: You're gonna be going through a lot strange cities, and there's always this one hotel: one with a lot of heavy drinking, a lot of fast women, and a lot of loose talk. You know what to do when you get to town?
Davy: Find that hotel!
Mike: And you'll do fine.

Mike: Now, listen man, you're going to be going to a lot of strange cities. And there's always one hotel. A lot of gambling and drinking, and a lotta fast women, and a lotta loose talk. Now you know what you do when you get to town?
Davy: Find that hotel.
Mike: You'll do fine.

Micky: You are the champ, aren't you?
The Champ: I work and train the whole day through! So, buddy, I'm not number two.
Mike: He's the champ.
Micky: He's the champ.

The Champ: Tell me true and don't make no bones, how was your fight with Davy Jones?
Mike: [Peter throws Mike a puzzled look] Don't worry, he always talks that way, just...
Peter: It was a split decision. He split my eye, he split my nose and he split my lip.

"The Monkees: Monkees at the Circus (#1.22)" (1967)
Peter: Well, why don't we just snick inside and take a look?
Mike: Snick? It's not "snick", it's sneak! I sneak, and you sneak, and we sneak...
Peter: Oh, good, then we can all get in!

Susan: He's upset because the crowd would rather watch the Rock and Rollers than him.
Susan: [All four Monkees start mumbling and stuttering] By the way what do you do?
The Monkees: [dressed in medical garb] Brain surgeons!
Mike: [in the next shot, Mike is suddenly dressed in dungarees and wearing a straw hat] Oh, well, except for the summertime, I'm a cotton picker. It's a carry over of skills.

Mike: [as a cotton picker] Pigs is down to 3, hawgs is down to 5, and cows is fine like they are.

Micky: [singing] It's great, it's terrific, it's the best show on Earth...
Mike: What is that?
Micky: It's the theme from an old TV series.
Mike: I knew it from somewhere.

Mike: We are the Mozzarella brothers. My name is Supreme.
Micky: [whispers] This is Amazing, Incredible...
Mike: This is Amazing, Incredible and Collosal. Collosus.
Micky: [whispers] And Stupendous.
Mike: And Stupendous.
Davy: We are the toast of Paris.
Victor: You're amazing.
Davy: No, he is Amazing, I'm Incredible.

"The Monkees: Monkee vs. Machine (#1.3)" (1966)
Micky: A Toy Factory, needs unskilled help, in non essential job requiring no experience and no training.
Mike: Hey Peter, you don't have any training, and you sure don't have any experience. You're the only one qualified.
Micky: Probably the only one in the city with those qualifications. At least the only one that can read the ad.
Peter: Just think, they put an ad in the paper to reach me.
Mike: That's right.
Peter: Why didn't they phone?

Mike: All you gotta do is stay very cool. And remember these three little words: Don't argue.
Peter: That's two words.
Mike: You're starting already.

Daggart: Harper. Used to design all our toys. Totally useless. I'd fire him like that, but J.B. promised him his job for life. What are you going to do?
Mike: Wow, you're all heart.

Mike: Look, man, it's okay. Besides, you've go something the machine don't have. You've got friends.
Micky: Hey, you've got some friends, Pete? Bring 'em over someday!

[Mike exacts revenge on the DJ-61 interviewing computer:]
DJ-69: What is your name?
Mike: [rushing the machine] Nesmith! What's yours?
DJ-69: What?
Mike: Thank you, Mr. What. And what's your first name?
DJ-69: It's not 'What'.
Mike: Mr. Notwhat What. And what is your occupation?
DJ-69: Name is not 'Notwhat'! I am computer DJ-61!
Mike: Oh, you're a DJ! Look, I'll bet you've got a great record collection.
[computer starts to overload]
Mike: Now tell me about your mother and father.
DJ-69: My mother was a duplicating machine...
Mike: Sex?
[smoke and disturbing noises issue from DJ-61]
Mike: Oh, I'll bet you're a real swinger when you're turned on.
[low groan]
Mike: Dirty old man...
DJ-69: Wait! I am not programmed for these questions!
Mike: Oh, you want a different program? Well, let - Okay, um...
[starts stabbing buttons at random. DJ-61 crashes amid smoke, flying punched cards, and a shower of sparks]

"The Monkees: Monkees Chow Mein (#1.26)" (1967)
Davy: [using psychological warfare] You're nailbiter. You're nailbiter and your mother never ever loved you.
Toto: You are too short. You are too short. You have no ear for music.
Davy: Aah. Mike, Mike. Help me, Mike.
Mike: I'll handle this. You're ugly. You're an ugly person. Ugly, ugly, ooh are you ugly. Nobody likes you least of all me. Nobody, nobody likes you.

Inspector Blount: [Picks up the phone] Hello? Yes, they've captured one of the boys, but they got the wrong one. The piece of information they want is in my safe. We're planning what action to take now. Your welcome.
[Hangs up]
Mike: Who was that?
Inspector Blount: I don't know!

Mike: [In disguise] Hi there, eh, we're a, ahem, we're from the pure food and drugs administration. Eh, you serve crabs?
Chang: We serve anybody!

Inspector Blount: I came as fast as I could.
Mike: Yeah, how did you get here, by oxcart?

Inspector Blount: Speed is not as important as secrecy. In our business, secrecy is our most important weapon. Utter secrecy!
Davy, Peter, Mike: Secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy.
Inspector Blount: What are you doing?
Mike: Uttering secrecy.

"The Monkees: Here Come the Monkees (#1.10)" (1966)
Mike: Gentlemen, I have bad news. The firm of Vanessa Russel and Vanessa is failing rapidly.
Peter: Good heavens, we'll be wiped out!

Mike: If they catch us it means a life sentence!
Micky: I'm not going back in that hole!
Davy: You dirty rotten screw!
Peter: You'll never get us alive!
Micky: Come and get us law, come and get us!

Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. I regret to inform you that Norway has just declared war on Sweden and all Swedish nationals are to report to their embassy.

Interviewer: Mike, let me ask you a question, seriously now. Why do you do this kind of business?
Mike: What's that?
Interviewer: Play the music.
Mike: Well I, I mean...
Interviewer: How did you get to?
Mike: Why do they call that a light, I don't know, that's just where it's at.

Interviewer: Mike, let me ask you something. Do you think you can play another part?
Mike: What part is that. What would you like me to be... strong and silent?
Interviewer: Yeah, strong and silent.
[Mike pulls a face]
Interviewer: Hey well, well, now be a girl
[Mike pulls the same face]
Interviewer: Mike, there the same thing.
Mike: Well, that's your hang up, man. I mean, I know where it's at.
Interviewer: Where you ever a strong, silent girl before?
Mike: Now if you ever ask that...

"The Monkees: Monkees Marooned (#2.8)" (1967)
Mike: Let's swim for it!
Davy: No, man, we'll drown!
Micky: Well, let's drown for it!

Mike: Oh, hello, we're the Monkees. Dr, Doctor Livingstone I presume?
Dr. Schwartzkov: No, Doctor Schwartzkov is the name, er, here's my card. Ja, I work on the island. I specialize in jungle fever, malaria, cold rash, baby delivery, appendectomy and sometimes I grow orchids on the side, what do you say, boys, my office is always here, come on by anytime, I got the bag and the whole thing if you want... to come by.
[the Monkees have long since moved on]

Micky: Wait! Our footprints. Great Scott, that means we're lost, we've been going around in circles!
Davy: Oh, Micky, Micky, it's a small set, man. We have to use the same place, you know, different bushes, trees.
Mike: Yeah, don't you remember, like the Lone Ranger and the big rock?

Mike: [walking by while the boys work on the outdoor backlot of Columbia Pictures] Buried treasure, that's sort of out of hand, Pete.
Davy: [walking by] Next thing you know, you'll be buying San Diego.
Peter: I turned San Diego down!
Micky: [walking by] Treasure map. That's one of the dumbest things you've ever done, Pete.
Peter: That's not fair, Micky.
Davy: Nah, that's not true, Micky. He's done dumber things than that. I know.
Peter: Thanks, man.

Major Pshaw: My practice is to shoot all trespassers!
Mike: Practice makes perfect...

"The Monkees: Monkee Mother (#1.27)" (1967)
Mike: [reading aloud from a document] And what is this? Violation of the housing code 716: illegal storage of inflamable material. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Shneider is not firewood, he's our dummy!
Babbitt: A mere technicality.
Mike: Well it's not to him!

Millie Rudnick: Who did this?
Davy: Did what?
Millie Rudnick: Who made this dust, this filth, you?
[points toward Mickey and Mike]
Micky: What's today?
Mike: Huh? Oh, monday.
Micky: Monday. Eh, It's Peter. Peter puts the filth out on mondays.
Peter: It was nothing.
Peter: You're fired! From now on he sets the table.

Millie Rudnick: Now, we must observe some rules. We're all grown up people here. We musn't make a fuss about going to sleep and food should not be eaten with the fingers!
Mike: Ehm, fingers should be eaten seperately.
[bites his finger]
Millie Rudnick: Don't be a Mr. Mouth.

Millie Rudnick: ...and food should not be eaten with the fingers.
Mike: Umm, the fingers should be eaten separately.

Clarisse Rawlings: [posh accent] Do you really know Rex Harrison?
Davy: [equally posh accent] No.
Clarisse Rawlings: Actually, I don't care.
Davy: I'm no good for you, you know...
Clarisse Rawlings: I don't care.
Davy: Terrible temper...
Clarisse Rawlings: I don't care.
Davy: I wander...
Clarisse Rawlings: I don't care.
Davy: Cruel, too...
Clarisse Rawlings: I don't care.
Davy: I love you, Clarisse!
Clarisse Rawlings: I don't care.
Mike: [cut to the other Monkees playing domino's] One thing about blondes, they sure don't care, do they?

"The Monkees: Don't Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth (#1.8)" (1966)
Mike: Davy, you and Peter go hide in the bedroom.
Davy: He already knows about us, it's the horse we got to hide.

Mike: [feeding soup to a horse] Hey, I think he likes it.
Peter: At least somebody appreciates good soup.
Micky: Hey, wait till you see a horse change into a werewolf.

Dr. Mann: You have a very sick horse here.
Mike: Oh, eh, Dr. Mann, you don't understand.
Dr. Mann: Please don't explain, there's no time to waist, I may have to operate.
Peter: [dressed as the front end of a horse] You can't operate. I'm not a horse, I'm a Monkee.
Dr. Mann: Hahaha, A likely story. I suppose you sing, too?
Davy: [dressed as the back end of a horse] Yeah, both of us in here do.
Dr. Mann: Egad, it's even worse than I thought. This horse not only has delusions of singing, it has a split personality!

Farmer Fisher: [Coming into the barn ringing a big Triangle shouting] It's Tuesday morning! Got a lotta work to be done: gotta feed the hogs, gotta plow the south forty, gotta milk the cows, gotta feed the chickens. Come on boys, come on.
Mike: Come on, we gotta go... plow the cow...
Micky: Something about... I'm supposed to go milk the chicken?
Peter: I think we ought to go to feed the south porty.
Davy: Feed the chickens to the cows.

Mike: Hi, I'm the fella that called before.
Dr. Mann: Where's the monkey?
Mike: Oh, I'm the Monkee.
Dr. Mann: You're the monkey? You don't need a vet, young man, you need a psychiatrist!
Mike: No, wait a minute, you don't, you don't understand. I'm not a real monkey, I'm the kind of Monkee that sings!

"The Monkees: Case of the Missing Monkee (#1.17)" (1967)
Davy: Y'know, it's not like Peter to take off in the middle of a gig.
Micky: Man, he sure takes a lot of looking after.
Mike: Oh, I don't know; not any more than the average aircraft carrier.

Micky: The Bathook!
[Davy hands him the Bathook]
Mike: What is this Bathook thing, we got a ladder. Do you want to use this thing and break your leg?

Micky: [picks up the phone] Hello? Yeah! Bruno just gave us physical therapy. Yeah, Peter's somewhere in the hospital. Yeah, Dr. Schnitzler's still missing. Okay, goodbye.
[hangs up]
Mike: Was that the police?
Mike: No, it was TV-Guide.

Mike: Believe me, Micky, there's no other way. Besides, Dr. Markovich is an evil man.
Micky: But what about me?
Davy: You're not evil, is he, Mike?
Mike: He's not evil, crafty and selfish, maybe, but he's not evil.

Micky: [Dramatic voice] And, thus shall it always end for men who use their knowledge of medicine for evil and badness.
Mike: Come, my trusty cohorts, let us to the Monkeemobile, away!

"The Monkees: Monkees at the Movies (#1.31)" (1967)
Philo: I want you to meet Luthor Kramm. Mr. Kramm gave you "Beach Party Honeymoon".
Peter: You didn't give it to us! We had to PAY for it!
Mike: Yeah! It cost us eighty cents at the drive-in!
Kramm: Well it was worth it, wasn't it?
Mike: Um... you owe us sixty cents.

Peter: Well, what do you want? I've offered you my Lovin' Spoonfull collection, my Bobby Dillon records, my Blind Lemmon Jefferson records and this prize of my collection: Bobby Darrin sings his bankbook.
Mike: Throw in the Stones.
Peter: Okay.
[Mike hands over his David Jones LP]

Micky: [posing as newspaper men] Dolenz, reporter.
Mike: Nesmith, Variety.
Peter: I'm Tork, hanger-on.

Mike: You know what I've always wanted to do? Was get a Rolls Royce, and put little bitty tires on the front, and big slicks on the back, and put a pickup bed in the the trunk, and all paint you know and stuff like that, and take the hood off of it an' everything, paint a name on the back of it...
Interviewer: And drive where?
Mike: Drive where? Drive no place, drive it out on the freeway and give it a flat tire and stand there scratching your head.

"The Monkees: Your Friendly Neighborhood Kidnappers (#1.4)" (1966)
Micky: Well how should we dress for this thing, is it formal?
Nick Trump: Of course! Dress! Dress!
Davy: Black tie or white tie?
Nick Trump: [consults his little book] For a daytime kidnapping, black tie.
Mike: Hey, what about the newspaper men?
Nick Trump: They wear business suits!

Mike: [when informed the show is a minute short] Why don't you time your shows better?

Mike: Yeah, that's a groove, that whole scene is a whole other thing.

Micky: [the guy are being held hostage in their pad] Gimmie some pennies.
Mike: [sarcastically] Now we can bribe our way out.

"The Monkees: A Coffin Too Frequent (#2.11)" (1967)
Davy: We'll even witness things that never even 'appened.
Mike: You tell 'em, tiny!

Micky: [referring to the enormous Boris] A fine figure of a man, isn't he?
Mike: He is. What have you - you got a sister?
Davy: Yeah, we could all three of us take her out her at the same time.
Micky: [fake sounding laugh] Ha ha ha ha ha.

Henry Weatherspoon: You see, I am a scientist, and in order to bring people back from the dead, I have invented a magnificent pill.
Mike: Oh, come on, you invented aspirin?
Henry Weatherspoon: Ah! That's only a disguise.
Micky: Aspirin in disguise? I don't believe it.
Mike: Well I do, and I also get it. See, he gives us the pill, and we believe that Elmer came back from the dead. We also see pretty colors...
Micky: Right!
Mike: ...and things climbing up the wall, well, I bet ya it does a lot of things.
Henry Weatherspoon: I told you, I am a scientist!
Mike: [small voice] Yeah, I know you did.
Micky: Mad scientist?
Henry Weatherspoon: No, but I will be if he keeps making those remarks.

Mrs. Weatherspoon: [a trumpet blows from beyond the grave] It's Elmer! It's Elmer! Oooh.
Mike: How do you know it's Elmer?
Mrs. Weatherspoon: He's playing our song!

"The Monkees: The Christmas Show (#2.15)" (1967)
Melvin Vandersnoot: Isn't it the height of conformity for both of you to play the same instrument?
Mike: Well, no...
Peter: No, we don't, man!
Mike: Yeah, that's a bass!
Peter: Yeah, it's different!
Melvin Vandersnoot: Well, personally I don't see how different it could be!
Mike: This isn't working out, you know.
Peter: I'd expected more from you, Michael. Even I could have said that.

Mike: [struggling to get through the door] Hello, were the band... we're the band that Mr. Vandersnoot hired for the party. That's who we are.
William The Butler: Oh, there must be some mistake. We were expecting four gentlemen.
Mike: Uhm, would you accept four ladies that shave?

Melvin Vandersnoot: I'm staying with you.
Mike: You are?
Melvin Vandersnoot: Please take my hand. It gives my aunt a feeling of security.

Melvin Vandersnoot: Bah, humbug!
Mike: What did you say?
Melvin Vandersnoot: I said bah, humbug!
Mike: I think you need some lessons on Christmas.
Peter: Boy, this kid needs some lessons in Christmas.
Davy: You're telling me!

"The Monkees: Dance, Monkee, Dance (#1.14)" (1966)
Mike: I object your honor!
Davy: [hits him on the head with a toy mallett] Don't object so much, you'll live longer.

Mike: Well, I see now you can't send a boy to do a man's bodge. Eh, eh, job, badge.

Mike: Boy, I gotta tel ya, this dancing school thing has really turned into a drag. A stone drag!

Miss Buntwell: Oh, all right, what is it?
Mike: Miss Buntwell, you were right about dancing. It's changed my whole life. And I can tell you know: my heart wants you and me s-s-soul wants you.
Miss Buntwell: What do ya hear from your liver?
Mike: Not a whole lot.

"The Monkees: Some Like It Lukewarm (#2.24)" (1968)
Mike: Alright, where's the cash?
Jerry Blavat: Cash? You guys don't even qualify! Where's the girl?
Davy: Where's the girl? What are you, a contest manager or a house detective?

Davy: [Davy has dressed up as a chick] So, how do I look?
Micky: Kind of like a raggy, hairy bone.
Mike: A hairy, boney rag.

Mike: [about The Geater] His mind was snapped before he came in here, you know that.

Micky: He likes you.
Peter: All you have to do is go out with him and we're a sinch to win!
Mike: Yeah, as a matter of fact, if you let him kiss you, you may own the Television Station.
Davy: One more remark like that and I'll hit you with me purse.

"The Monkees: Too Many Girls (#1.15)" (1966)
Peter: Poor Davy.
Mike: He's helpless. Trapped by his own staggering good looks.
Micky: I, myself, am deeply jealous.

Mike: Okay, for the next 24 hours, we're gonna isolate you from women.
Davy: But that's half the world!

Mike: We're too late.
Peter: I, myself, am deeply jealous.

Mr. Hack: Ladies and gentlemen, we'll return with one more act, after a word from our sponsor.
Micky: Their sponsor?
Peter: Our sponsor.
Mike: Our sponsor.

"The Monkees: Monkees Race Again (#2.21)" (1968)
Mike: Now hold it, hold it, before this scene goes any further, man, what is this gun thing?
Wolfgang: Well now just a minute, we've got to have the gun. After all it's a prop.
Mike: That's horrible!
Peter: Put that away!
Mike: It's bad enough that you're with a uniform and all!
Peter: But guns on television and everything, it's bad enough we have a tuning fork!

Wolfgang: Hold it, und schtop. Nobody is allowed in here unles they are authorized Klutzmobile personel. You understand?
Mike: Oh, yes.
Wolfgang: To be in here, you have got to be... a Klutz.

Mike: See you later, shotgun.

"The Monkees: Monkees à la Carte (#1.11)" (1966)
Mike: Mr. Fuselli, we'd thought we'd come and reapply for our job.
Fuselli: I don't need no musicians
Mike: Yeah, but the people like us.
Fuselli: But I don't like you.
Mike: We work cheap.
Fuselli: I'm beginning to like you.

Mike: We have a motion to deal with Mr. Fuselli. Can I have suggestions from the floor?
Peter: [Peter pulls his ear off the floor] The floor has nothing to say.
Micky: You can try the wall.
Peter: [With his ear to the wall] The wall says... try the ceiling.

Micky: We gotta contact the inspector.
Davy: Sure, but how? Fuselli won't let us out in the middle of the meeting.
Mike: Yeah, and Rocco's guarding the front door.
Peter: And the food will get cold.

"The Monkees: The Spy Who Came in from the Cool (#1.5)" (1966)
Micky: Allright, Nesmith, tell me about your special cigarette lighter.
Mike: Well, this cigarette lighter is very special. It is ah - got a miniature Japanese camera in it...
Micky: Right.
Mike: ...and also a miniature Japanese cameraman.
Yamashita the miniature Japanese cameraman: [as mike flicks on the lighter] Yow!
Mike: Oh, scorched you again there, didn't I, Yamashita?

Mike: No more Mr. Nice Guy!
[turns Boris' ear]
Davy: Get him, Mike, go on!

Davy: Mike, I just saw a fella talking to a popsicle.
Mike: Oh, yeah? Let me know if the popsicle talks back.

"The Monkees: The Monkees on Tour (#1.32)" (1967)
Mike: We've eh, got the farm report here, and cows is up 14 and chickens is down 27 and, eh, pigs is down 37 and most of the Javelina hogs is just fine like they is.

Mike: Peter said it real well: your life when you go out on the road turns into this endless tunnel of just limousines and airplanes and hotel rooms. And then all of a sudden there's one brief period of light, and that's when you walk out there on the stage, you know, and it all seems worthwhile.

Mike: We'd like to thank everybody, for making it a great stay. We'd like to thank The Rolling Stones for being a great group. We'd like to thank The Mamma's and Papa's for making it good. We'd like to thank Lovin' Spoonful for making it happy, but most of all we'd like to thank the Beatles for starting it all up for us.

"The Monkees: The Prince and the Paupers (#1.21)" (1967)
Mike: Come on, Davy, you know you're mister Charm when it comes to girls.
Micky: Oh really, girls find him very sweet.
Peter: He makes their teeth decay.

Mike: You're sash is crooked.
Davy: You're not my real mother!

Mike: If appleseed turns to wing, it will fly away a beautiful butterfly. But if a butterfly turns to appleseed, it'll just lay there, on the ground. That's what Ling Fu Yeng said, five thousand years agon.
Davy: Oh, really, what does that mean?
Mike: I just don't have any idea.

"The Monkees: Art for Monkees' Sake (#2.5)" (1967)
[Davy accidentally knocks over a statue in a museum]
Mike: That thing was over a thousand years old!
Peter: Oh, well, thank goodness it wasn't new.

Mike: What are we doing eating breakfast with Mr. Schneider?
Davy: Well, Peter's not here, and we got lonely.
Mike: Peter's not - You mean he's not back from the museum yet?
Micky: Maybe he's in trouble.
Davy: Heh! How much trouble can you get into in a museum?
Micky: He's in trouble.
Davy: He's in trouble.

Mike: Okay men, Mission: Ridiculous.
Mike: [narrating] Gathering our team of experts from the four corners of the earth, we'll be a taskforce of deadliness, efficiency and teamwork.
Mike: [Davy is seen climbing onto a rooftop] The Manchester Marauder.
Davy: [a duffelbag is thrown onto his head] Gee, thanks, Peter, I really needed that.
Peter: [of screen] That's ok, Davy, any time.
[Davy bumps into a pole, then grabs an antenna and gets a shock of electricity]
Mike: [resuming his narration] The Conneticut Counterspy combines nerves of steel, cool-eyed perseption and some fancy footwork.
Davy: [Peter knocks over a potted plant as he climbs on the roof] Peter, watch the pla- oh, it's not real anyway.
[Davy throws the fake plant over the railing]
Micky: [off screen] Ouch!
Mike: [still narrating] Their ability to make quick, irriversible decisions show why they were picked for this group.
[Peter bumps into the pole]
Mike: [Mike climbs up on the roof as his narration continues] The modest but towering Texan needs no introduction. His stoiclike ability to endure pain...
Mike: [Mike bumps into the pole] ... prove why he is a leader among men.
[Mike grabs the electricity pole but does not feel a thing]
Mike: Last, but not least, is the Los Angeles Leopard, known in Peoria as The Panther Man.
[Micky climbs onto the rooftop carrying the painting]
Mike: And somewhat hampered by a low resistance to the night air.
[Micky sneezes as the other three team members run up to him and shush]
Mike: He is the only weak link in our chain.

"The Monkees: Son of a Gypsy (#1.16)" (1966)
Peter: The woods are just so beautiful...!
Micky: Yeah, famous last words.
Peter: Whose?
Micky, Mike, Davy: Little Red Riding Hood.

Micky: It's no Michaelangelo.
Mike: It's no Charlton Heston, either.

Micky: You don't understand, we're not thieves, Maria. Ah, mamma. I mean mom, eh...
Mama Maria: Nonsense, the urge to steal is basic. We are al thieves at heart.
Davy: Where did she get that idea?
Mike: She stole it.

"The Monkees: The Chaperone (#1.9)" (1966)
Micky: I've had it! I'm through!
Mike: Oh, man, keep your dress on. What's the matter?
Micky: He's getting fresh!
Mike: Okay, so he's getting fresh. It's for a pal, anyway. Davy's in love with his daughter.
Micky: Yeah, and I'm gonna be his mother-in-law!
Mike: If you play your cards right.

Gen. Harley Vandenburg: [following Micky in drag] Where's she going?
Mike: I give up, where?

Mike: Well, I guess all's well that end's well.
Micky: There's just one thing that bothers me, though.
Mike: What?
Micky: Do I gotta... give back the ring?

"The Monkees: The Monkees in Paris (#2.22)" (1968)
Peter: Listen, guys, guys, listen.
[starts reading a threatening letter]
Peter: We know who you are, so don't try to deny it. We also know where you live, or else how could we have send you this letter? We're coming to get you, so don't leave. This is a threatening letter and a warning. Unless you return the microfilm and get off the ranch, we'll kill you!
Micky: Don't worry about it, Peter, there's nothing in the wrong.
Artie: Aah!
Mike: But this is the same thing...
Artie: Alright, you guys, gimmie the secret apple!

Peter: Listen, guys, guys, listen.
[starts reading a threatening letter]
Peter: We know who you are, so don't try to deny it. We also know where you live, or else how could we have send you this letter? We're coming to get you, so don't leave. This is a threatening letter and a warning. Unless you return the microfilm and get off the ranch, we'll kill you!
Micky: Don't worry about it, Peter, there's nothing in the wrong.
Spy from New York: Aah!
Mike: But this is the same thing...
Spy from New York: Alright, you guys, gimmie the secret apple!

Davy: [realizing they're filming the same episode they deserted before] Jim, what is this? The secret apple?
Mike: We just got back, we wanted to get away from this.
Micky: And it's the same thing!
Peter: [holding up the prop gun held by Art Lewis] And what's with this? What's with this? Violence on the show? Every time we turn around somebody's got a gun!
Director: [motioning to Art Lewis] Will you listen to me? He doesn't have a mustache, he's not using an accent, and it's not the microfilm, it's the secret apple.
Davy: Yeah, and when's the short guy gonna come in? It's the same one every week.
Micky: Same show!
Mike: Man, it's terrible.
Davy: The same story and they change it around.
Micky: [to the viewer] We'll see you next week, kids.
Mike: [apologetically] Yeah, we'll think of something by then.
Davy: [apologetically] Hey, it's a drag.
Director: [as the boys sadly walk off the set] Uh, okay, let's come in for a closeup on the monkey.

"The Monkees: Find the Monkees (#1.19)" (1967)
Peter: I'm sorry about this, but I always get the hickups when I perform for a big producer.
Mike: What are you talking about, this is the first time you ever performed in front of a big producer.
Mike: Well, it's a hundred per cent so far.

Interviewer: [interviewing Mike during the epilogue tag] Would you want the kids to wear their hair like yours?
Mike: I think they should wear their hair the way they want to wear it.

"The Monkees: Monkees à la Mode (#1.24)" (1967)
Mike: Some fashion magazine! Says here, "neck lines are plunging lower every year, this year the V will go down to the tummy in something of a "peek-a-boo" effect. Get into the swing of fashions and have your own "naval observatory"."
Davy: You must be joking!
Mike: You're right, I am, it doesn't say that at all.
Davy: Here, eh, listen to this: "Why not take lil' metal bottle tops and nail them to your living room floor. It gives you the impression that you are walking upon... lil'... metal... bottle tops..."?

Rob Roy Fingerhead: Now then, where's your style?
Mike: Hmm, oh well, we usually keep it in the bathtub.

"The Monkees: Royal Flush (#1.1)" (1966)
Mike: You see, I told you she was in trouble.
Davy: Come on man, we got to do something. She's got my jacket!

Interviewer: Monkees, Monkees, uh, the show is over but we got one problem: we're one minute short.
Micky: Uh, hi there, America.
Interviewer: Mike, what did you think of the show you just did?
Mike: I thought it was one minute short.

"The Monkees: One Man Shy (#1.13)" (1966)
Mike: Would you believe that the Peter we all know and love has now turned into a wolf in sheeps clothing?
Micky: Which just goes to prove: you can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. If you have enough good silk.
Davy: Which proves more than ever, it's not how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose.

Ronnie Farnsworth: You, uh, really get a big kick outta yourself, don'tcha?
Mike: Yeah, well, I'm all I have.
Ronnie Farnsworth: That's too bad.

"The Monkees: Monkees in a Ghost Town (#1.7)" (1966)
Mike: Say, you're pretty tough with a gun in your hand, aren't ya?
Lenny: Heh heh, ya think so, huh? Well, you oughta see him with a cigarette hangin' outta the corner of his mouth! Yeah! Hey George, now, you show 'em that mean look ya get when ya squint yer eyes.

Davy, Micky, Mike, Peter: [all together] Well, that's show business!

"The Monkees: Monkees Blow Their Minds (#2.25)" (1968)
Micky: I've pored over all these mystical maps and charts, and I've read every book in the public library.
Mike: So what did you learn?
Micky: The Dewey Decimal System!

The Great Oracullo: The hiding place of a body is locked deeply into your unconsious. Now I want you to free your mind of all thought.
[Mike takes a sip of his tea while pretendint to smoke a pipe]
The Great Oracullo: Good Now, eh, how do you feel?
Mike: [faking amnesia] Oh, ah, ehm, toughtless.
The Great Oracullo: Hmm. Look deeply... deeply, deeply into my eyes. Now what do you see?
Mike: Cowardice, and ehm, dishonesty, and a general lack of scruples.
The Great Oracullo: [facing camera] Maybe there's something in what they say.

"The Monkees: Alias Micky Dolenz (#1.25)" (1967)
Mike: Micky, you gotta go in there and report this. Look, what are you gonna do, promote violence in the street?
Micky: He didn't mean any harm, what violence? He's just a typical psychopatic killer.

Captain: Well, boys, ya did a great job. You recovered all the loot for what was probably the greatest jewel robbery in history.
Micky: Gosherooney!
Captain: And it's my pleasure to give you a share of the jewels as your reward.
Peter: Wow!
Mike: I always wanted a necklace, man, look at that.
Micky: What am I gonna do with an earring?

"The Monkees: Monstrous Monkee Mash (#2.18)" (1968)
Micky: I'm scared, I'm scared, let's get outta here!
Mike: We can't leave now, man, we haven't found Davy.
Micky: We could form a trio?

"The Monkees: Success Story (#1.6)" (1966)
Mike: Hey, are you Davy Jones?
Davy: Yes.
[to his grandfather]
Davy: My public.
Mike: Can I have your autograph?
Davy: Yes you can.
Mike: Mr. Jones, I just want to tell you that my family sleep a little better every night, knowin' that you are out there singin'.

"The Monkees: Monkees Watch Their Feet (#2.17)" (1968)
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, this evening Raybert Productions and Screen Gems, with its usual lack of cooperation from the National Broadcasting Company, is pleased to present this special report from The Department of UFO Information.

"The Monkees: Everywhere a Sheik, Sheik (#2.3)" (1967)
Mike: Did you know that a chick mailed herself to Davy? Davy didn't...
Interviewer: Oh! Yeah! What happened about that one?
Davy: Some, some young lady came up with the bright idea of mailing herself to us...
Mike: And it ruined her arm...
[makes postage machine noises]
Davy: And she put herself in a big box, put herself in a box this big, and sent herself up and put photographs on it. And we opened it and this young lady popped out.
Interviewer: What happened to her?
Peter: Popped her back in again.
Davy: We shipped her to the Beatles.

"The Monkees: The Picture Frame (#2.2)" (1967)
Sergeant: Al right, throw the book at 'em!
Mike: [Mike catches a book] Oh! This book's overdue.
Sergeant: How many days?

"The Monkees: A Nice Place to Visit (#2.1)" (1967)
Mike: Look, man! You've been challenged! What are you gonna do?
Micky: What am I gonna do? Micky Dolenz in a challenge? What do you think I'll do?
Mike: You're gonna split!
Micky: Right!