Mr. Ernest Grainger
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Quotes for
Mr. Ernest Grainger (Character)
from "Are You Being Served?" (1972)

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"Are You Being Served?: His and Her's (#1.4)" (1973)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [Mr. Rumbold has just informed the staff that Mr. Grainger's central trouser display was removed to make way for a new perfume display]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Do you mean we're going to sell scent?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Yes, you could put it like that.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, if it's scent, why don't you clear some counter space in the ladies' department?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Precisely. Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying far too much underwear.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Are you suggesting, Mr. Grainger, that I should remove my underwear and put perfume there instead?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you suggesting that I should remove my trousers and put perfume there instead?

Mr. Ernest Grainger: I shall take no part in it!
Mr. Lucas: Ha, ha! Mutiny on the counter!
Captain Peacock: Now, come, come, Mr. Grainger, that's not like you.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, even in the French Revolution, the victims weren't expected to chop off their own heads.
Captain Peacock: I'm sure it won't come to that, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Nevertheless, my staff will not cooperate in the outfitting of that stand.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I'm behind you, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas: And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries. Yes, unless Captain Peacock says I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries. In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.

Mr. Lucas: That must be the salesgirl from 'His and Hers'. She's a bit of a turn-on, isn't she?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That's all you think about.
[points to his head]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's all up here, you know.
Mr. Lucas: Not one hundred percent, it's not.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Who is that young lady engaging Captain Peacock in conversation?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's the girl from 'His and Hers'.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh. Oh, then I think we'd better ignore her.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mr. Lucas is trying, but he's not doing very well at the moment.
Mr. Lucas: Just my luck isn't it, for a bird like that to sail into my life on a Thursday? Look at that! One lousy quid. Where can you take a bird like that on one quid?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: You can buy her six penneth of worms, and take her for a walk along the Canal Bank with your bent pin.

Miss French: Have you a changing room I could use?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: A changing room?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you having any difficulties, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Not yet, Mr. Grainger. This young lady wanted to use one of our changing rooms.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: May I enquire for what purpose?
Miss French: Would you believe to change?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I don't like the tone of your voice. And our changing rooms are not for the use of the female staff.
Miss French: Oh, all right, then. Have it your own way.
[takes off her coat and skirt, briefly revealing pantyhose and lingerie, and puts on a very short jumper]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [as Mr. Grainger looks shocked and offended and Mr. Lucas as his eyes wide open and glued to Miss French's legs] A glass of water for Mr. Grainger. And a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas!

Mr. Ernest Grainger: I think you'll find that will fall into your shape, Sir. And don't worry about the sleeves. They'll ride up with wear.
Mr. Lucas: And don't worry about the color being too bright. It will wash out in the rain.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, I was just having a chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr Grainger. But I am free, aren't I, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: Oh, yes, you're free, Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Lucas: Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mr. Grainger was just observing the young lady on the centre stand and was wondering what's on the cards.
Mr. Lucas: Well, at his time of life, very little, I should think.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: The print, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas: Ah, yes.
[reads]
Mr. Lucas: "With every bottle of His perfume you purchase, you get a free tie".

Mr. Ernest Grainger: For once, I entirely agree with you, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: You've got to put something under them to get them going.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I've found that myself, lately.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Lucas: I beg your pardon, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mr. Grainger's quoting from "Henry II", when he wanted to bump off Beckett.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, not my nice Mr. Beckett from Hardware?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: No, no, no. Mr. Grainger played Beckett in Grace Brothers' production of "Murder In The Cathedral".
Mr. Lucas: I'm sorry I missed that.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Mr. Grainger was very good, in spite of his gammy leg.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: He fell of the cathedral steps, and Mr. Rumbold and the lads had to murder him in the front row of the stalls.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: It was a very good round of applause.
Miss Shirley Brahms: [about Miss French] Are you suggesting then that we should stab her in the staff canteen?

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Please, please, please! Let's marshal all our facts, and find out precisely why this young lady left. Now, first of all, whose finger was it on the button that ruined the tape?
Captain Peacock: Well, it was my finger, but it...
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, no, no, no. Just the facts. Now, how did the other voice come into it?
Mr. Lucas: Well, I was talking through my hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Could you be more explicit?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, there was a microphone in his hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I see. Why?
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well... You see, Mr. Grainger said, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Did you say that, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, actually, Henry the Second said it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Perhaps I can explain. It wasn't Mr. Grainger who said it in the play, it was Becket. You remember, Mr. Rumbold, he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That's why he got such a good round of applause.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Now, I may be dense... but has the play got to do with this girl leaving?
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, you see, Mr. Grainger drew our attention to the fact that Henry the Second wanted to get rid of Becket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Becket?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Not Beckett from Hardware, no.


"Are You Being Served?: The Clock (#2.1)" (1974)
Mr. Grainger: I do hope we're not going to have steak pie. I'm travelling home on a non-corridor train.

Mr. Grainger: [making a speech] Dear friends, my heart is very full.
Mrs. Slocombe: [turns her champagne glass over] My glass is very empty.

Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger, whatever's the matter? You look as though you've seen a ghost.
Mr. Grainger: I... I heard the cuckoo in Mr. Rumbold's office.
Mr. Lucas: What, third of March? You'd better write a letter to The Times.
Mr. Grainger: It was a cuckoo clock!
Mr. Humphries: Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas: Glass of water coming up.

[first lines]
Captain Peacock: Can I help you, Sir?
The Check Jacket: Ah, yes. Would you show me some sports jackets, please?
Captain Peacock: I won't personally, Sir. But I'll summon our senior assistant to attend to your wishes. Mr. Grainger, are you free?
Mr. Grainger: Oh, yes, I'm free.

Mr. Grainger: Yes, I would think a forty four. Wouldn't you Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Certainly, Mr. Grainger. A forty four. Don't you think so, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: I hope so, we haven't got anything bigger.

Mr. Grainger: Yes, err, this range is in pushcon, isn't it, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Right first time, Mr. Grainger. Thirty five percent wool, thirty five percent pushcon.
The Check Jacket: Well, that only makes seventy percent.
Mr. Humphries: Yes, well, there's a lot of air between the fibers, Sir. Allows the fabric to breathe. Isn't that right, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: Quite right, Mr. Humphries. If you listen quietly, you can hear it, you know.
Mr. Humphries: Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas: We've got a whole cupboard full over there, panting for breath.

Mr. Grainger: What do you think, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Well, it's err... nice and snug at the front.
Mr. Grainger: It's very snug indeed.
Mr. Humphries: Why don't you have a look at the back?
Mr. Lucas: Yes, I'm sure the back is snug as well.

Mr. Humphries: [in deep voice] Menswear...
[to Mr. Grainger]
Mr. Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Grainger: Yes, I'm free.
Mr. Humphries: You're wanted in Mr. Rumbold's office.

Mr. Grainger: [to Mrs. Grainger] They've got an orchestra. Mr. Fredericks didn't have an orchestra. Perhaps we'll be able to do the Gay Gordons.
Mr. Humphries: That should round the evening off nicely.

Mr. Grainger: You know, as I look back over the years, they all seem to have passed very quickly. But I shall always have very happy recollections of you all.

Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock, Miss Brahms, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash: Thank you, Mr. Grace.


"Are You Being Served?: Dear Sexy Knickers... (#1.1)" (1973)
[Captain Peacock is reading out a saucy letter sent accidentally by one of them to Mrs Slocombe]
Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger wouldn't say, "Dear Sexy Knickers." He'd say "Dear Sexy Bloomers." Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I very much doubt it.

The 40" Waist: Aren't the sleeves a bit long?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: No, I think those will ride up with wear, Sir. Don't you agree, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: They'll definitely ride up, Mr. Granger.

The 40" Waist: [trying on a new shirt] It seems to be shorter at the front, than at the back.
Mr. Humphries: Ah, that's because you're standing upright, Sir. One does tend to do that when one is trying on new garments.
The 40" Waist: Really?
Mr. Humphries: Oh, yes, Sir. Yes. You see, if I stand upright like this, well, I'm up at the front, aren't I Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: You certainly are, Mr. Humphries.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [looks about him] Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Humphries: [looks about him] Yes, at the moment.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Ask Mr. Grainger, if he's free, to step this way.
Mr. Humphries: Excuse me. Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [looks about him] Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Do you encourage your assistants to try to stretch trousers when they don't fit?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Most certainly not. Do we, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Certainly not, Mr. Grainger. We give them the same pair back, and say we found a larger size.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Lucas, but do I understand that you got Mrs. Slocombe into trouble in the lift yesterday, and you had an affair with her this morning in her department?
Mr. Dick Lucas: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but yes, you're wrong!
Mr. Humphries: Oh, what a pity. I thought things were going to liven up a bit.

Mr. Humphries: Is everything all right, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Some lady says she wants to have me on the carpet.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Is Mr. Lucas free?
Mr. Humphries: I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written, "Dear sexy knickers, I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half past five and we'll get it together." Now, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each of you if you wrote this note. Mr. Grainger, did you write it?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I don't even understand it.
Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger wouldn't say "dear sexy knickers." You'd say "dear sexy bloomers," wouldn't you?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I very much doubt it.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?
Mr. Humphries: No. But thanks for the compliment.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, in view of those two denials, I can only come to one conclusion.
Mr. Dick Lucas: [laughing nervously] Shall I leave now, or work till five-thirty?


"Are You Being Served?: Our Figures Are Slipping (#1.2)" (1973)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I walked through the park in order to give my toast crusts to the ducks. My wife doesn't like me to leave them, but these new teeth of mine... They're a little to much for them. You know, even the ducks have to wait until they go soggy.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: They'll probably be all right, when you've run them in a bit.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger, would you step this way please, if you're free.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm... I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Free, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Lucas: Oh, very free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Step this way.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: I suppose I ought to phone Mrs. Grainger, and tell her to keep the pie warm in the oven.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Tell her to turn the regulo down to a quarter. If she hardens that crust, it'll play havoc with your gums.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Take that silly grin off your face, Mr. Lucas. It's very bad for trade.
Mr. Lucas: You just can't win, can you?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Take no notice of him. He's jealous. If he tried it, they'd drop on the floor.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger, are you free?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, yes, yes, I'm free...

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you being served, Sir?

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you free, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: Oh, as free as air, Mr. Grainger.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Mr. Grainger is snoring on his chair] Poor old soul, he's been on his feet all day. He probably goes to sleep about this time on the train.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Rumbold: Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms: Mr. Grainger?
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms! Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms: Baldy?
Mr. Rumbold: One hesitates to lay hands on him. Still...
Mr. Lucas: Oh no, no, no. I wouldn't if I were you, Mr, Rumbold. No, no. Just think. Sudden shock, heart attack, kicks the bucket. News Of The World: "Aged Worker Dies At Hands Of Overseer". That wouldn't look good for Grace Brothers.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Excuse me, Captain Peacock. I think I know what to do.
[coughs]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.


"Are You Being Served?: Pilot (#1.0)" (1972)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [Mr. Lucas is carrying an almost naked mannequin with Miss Brahms] Mr. Lucas, put something on it. It is a house rule, you know.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, well, I, I'm sorry Mr. Grainger. I thought it was alright if they was wearing tights.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, well, it's er... hardly sufficient, is it?
Mr. Dick Lucas: [laughs] I see what you mean.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Anyway, the upper part should be obscured.
Mr. Dick Lucas: I'm sorry, Mr. Grainger.
[puts his hands over the mannequin's bare breasts]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: How long have you been with Grace Brothers, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Ah, one month, Mr. Grainger.
[looks at his hands holding the mannequin's breasts]
Mr. Dick Lucas: I-I'm still sort of feeling my way around, as you might say.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes.
[walks off]
Mr. Dick Lucas: Cop hold.
[takes his hands away from the mannequin's breasts]
Miss Shirley Brahms: What about obscuring it?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Alright then, lend us your knickers.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Now, don't you start. And anyway, they wouldn't obscure anything.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Don't worry about the sleeves, Sir. They'll ride up with wear. If they don't, do bring them back.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, are you being served, Madam?

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Good morning, Mr. Grainger. Are you free?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [looks about him] Er... Yes, I'm free.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, that isn't what I understood when I agreed to share my department with you.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: May I remind you, that I am not sharing with you. You are sharing with me.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, what's the difference?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: The difference, Mrs. Slocombe, is that you are not going to get that stand.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I see. Well... I shall have to go over your head, which won't be all that difficult.

Captain Stephen Peacock: If you're free, Mr. Grainger, I'd like a word.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh yes, I, I think I'm free.

[last lines]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [on the phone] Beryl. Grainger here. Get me Mr. Rumbold.

Mr. Grainger: Mrs Grainger doesn't like me in the kitchen... she says I make the milk go sour...


"Are You Being Served?: The Think Tank (#2.3)" (1974)
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: They're not even looking like they used to. I mean, there was a time when you'd go up to a customer, say "Excuse me, Sir, are you being served?", and they'd say "no, just looking". Now they don't even come in. It's most frustrating, isn't it, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Most frustrating. Trousers are at a complete stand still.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: You're lucky to get your tape up once a day.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, my corsets have been down for over a fortnight.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, I'm dying for a cup of coffee.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: So am I. I want one to take my pill.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you on the Pill?

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Mr. Grainger is sleeping] Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [wakes up] Ah! Err, err, yes, I'm free.

Captain Stephen Peacock: After I came out of the army, I made a study of sales technique. Now, there was a theory that a moving display has more impact than a... than a static one.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] True.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, I suppose you mean we should have our trousers moving about more.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: How do we achieve that?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Couple of dozen pairs of electric legs.
[laughs]
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm being quite serious, Mr. Lucas.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, how does that affect my department?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, do we have lots of electric knickers jumping up and down on the counter?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Wouldn't that be very expensive?
Mr. Dick Lucas: You could have Mrs. Slocombe jumping up and down on the counter. That should make a big enough impact!
[laughs]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That's it. I am withdrawing to the canteen.

[last lines]
Young Mr. Grace: Well, goodbye, everybody.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe, Mr. Dick Lucas, Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Goodbye, Mr. Grace.
Young Mr. Grace: Goodbye. You've all done very well!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe, Mr. Dick Lucas, Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.


"Are You Being Served?: Cold Comfort (#2.2)" (1974)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, yes, it is very parky, isn't it? Yes, I had to put my long underpants on this morning.

Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Peacock: At the moment, yes.
Mrs. Slocombe: Could I have a word with you?
Captain Peacock: Certainly.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it's rather personal.
Captain Peacock: Ah.
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms has just been and it's frozen over.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
Mrs. Slocombe: The ladies. It's solid.
Captain Peacock: I see. But what exactly do you expect me to do about it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I thought I'd ask you if umm... we could use the gents. It's rather urgent.
Captain Peacock: Yes, well, I'll uh have a word with Mr. Grainger. You must go through the right channels, you know.
Mrs. Slocombe: Yeah, well, don't be too long.
[Miss Brahm's mouths "But it's cold"]
Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Err, yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Umm, a slightly delicate situation has arisen. It appears...
[whispers what has had happened into Mr. Grainger's ear]
Mrs. Slocombe: He's asking Grainger.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, fancy telling Grainger I wanted to go.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I understand, Captain Peacock. Of course, I shall have to consult my colleagues. Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] We're free.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh, he'll be sending for Doctor Kissinger in a minute.
Miss Shirley Brahms: It's degrading. He's telling them all now.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Why can't she use the one in the bargain basement?
Mr Humphries: Yes, or the public one on the sports floor?

Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: How long have we been displaying electrical equipment in the Cardinal Woolsey cabinet?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you free, Mr. Humphries?
Mr Humphries: I'm afraid I am, Mr. Grianger. Mr. Lucas is free too.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Thank you.

Young Mr. Grace: Good morning, everybody.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Good morning, Mr. Grace.
Young Mr. Grace: I think you've all done very well, working in these cold conditions.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr. Grace: Carry on. You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.


"Are You Being Served?: Hoorah for the Holidays (#2.5)" (1974)
Mrs. Slocombe: [the staff have each been offered five pounds to cover the cost of having to take their holidays while the store is decorated] You'll have to up the anti, Mr. Rumbold. I mean, five pounds goes nowhere. A loaf of bread costs three shillings. Five pounds is only thirty-five loaves!
Mr. Humphries: And where can you go on holiday for thirty-five loaves?
Mr. Lucas: It doesn't buy much crumpet, either.
Mr. Grainger: I don't get the enjoyment out of it that I used to in the old days.
Mr. Lucas: What, the crumpet?
Mr. Grainger: No. The bread!

Mr. Rumbold: [describing possible locations for the staff holiday] "Belly-dancing and sword-swallowing are a nightly attraction for the diners as they sit, cross-legged, on their jhibos, toying with their couscous
[to Mr. Humphries]
Mr. Rumbold: I think a jhibo must be some sort of cushion!
Mr. Humphries: I was going to ask you about that.
Mr. Grainger: What exactly is a couscous?
Captain Peacock: It's a... It's an Arabic, sagoey sort of dish. You eat it with the cut-off ear of a sheep.
Mr. Grainger: Eurgh!
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I'm not sitting on my jhibo in a Foreign Legion fort, toying with me couscous. Not even with a knife and fork!
Mr. Rumbold: I thought it sounded rather fun.

Mr. Humphries: I'll take the customer into the changing room, Mr. Grainger. Put his clothes on a coat hanger.
Mr. Grainger: And come straight back, Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Grainger: You have my support, Stephen.
Mrs. Slocombe: And mine.
Mr. Lucas: I'm right behind you, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Humphries: I'm right behind you, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas: I'd rather you were behind Captain Peacock.

[last lines]
Young Mr. Grace: Oh, yes, there's just one thing. - The decorators cant make August, so you'll have to take the last two weeks in November.
Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Rumbold, Captain Peacock, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Mash: November?
Captain Peacock: Where can you go in November? It's out of season!
Mr. Grainger: Oh, no, it's alright. You can all come and stay at Mrs. Featherstone's. I have a photograph here.
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, there's one consolation. - If we all go to Mrs. Featherstone's, we won't have to go forty miles to find a pot there.


"Are You Being Served?: The Hand of Fate (#3.1)" (1975)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I am going to suggest to Captain Peacock that you take over my position. Do you think you could cope?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I'm sure I could, Mr. Grainger. Especially with your hand to guide me.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: And do you... Do you think that Lucas is capable of taking over from you?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: With my hand to guide him.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, better consult him.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yes, you have just caught me at a free moment, Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Not at the moment, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh, only Captain Peacock's free.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh. Well, are you free, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, would you mind taking over this customer, please?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's a pleasure, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Right, thank you. I've already taken his inside leg.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: He's looking for something in Scottish tweed with broad shoulders.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mm, aren't we all?

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Just a moment, Mr. Grainger.
[pauses]
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm free, now.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I'm delighted to hear of the possibility of your promotion, Stephen.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Thank you, Ernest.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well deserved.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Inevitable, I should've said.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: We've known each other for many years, Stephen.
Captain Stephen Peacock: You're one of my closest... acquaintances, Ernest.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, it's very nice of you to say that. I... I take it that you will be recommending me?
Captain Stephen Peacock: In what capacity?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: For your job, of course.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I, er... I rather doubt it.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Doubt it? Why?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I think it needs a... a younger man to cope with it.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Cope? Cope? Cope with what? All you do is just stand there with your nose in the air and say, "Are you free, Mr. Grainger?".

Mr. Ernest Grainger: [passing a customer off on Mister Humphries] He's for something in Scottish tweed with broad shoulders.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Aren't we all?


"Are You Being Served?: No Sale (#4.1)" (1976)
[Tries to disuade a customer trying to buy a coat]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: You've got a fat face, piggy eyes, and a pimple on your nose!
[the customer storms off Mr. Grainger turns to his younger colleagues]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: You young salesmen just don't know how not to sell clothes.

[Captain Peacock is informed of what Mr. Grainger said by the customer]
Captain Peacock: Mr. Grainger, did you tell this man he had a fat face, piggy eyes, and a pimple on his nose?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Do I look like the type of person who would say he's got a fat face piggy eyes and a pimple on his nose?

Mr. Ernest Grainger: [Indistinct mumble through a mouthful of food that has become stuck in his false teeth] And how did you arrive at that hy-poff-e-thith?
Mr. Dick Lucas: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I won't say it again!

Mr. Dick Lucas: What did we take last Monday, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [stammering, upset] Oh, don't... don't ask me! My memory's like a... like a... like a... like a...
Mr. Dick Lucas: [helping him out] Like a sieve.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Lucas.


"Are You Being Served?: Camping In (#1.3)" (1973)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Don't worry about the length of the fingers, Sir. You'll find they'll ride up with wear. And I'm sure you'll find they'll give every satisfaction. Don't you agree, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Oh, yes, Mr. Grainger. It's very difficult to distinguish that plastic imitation leatherette from the real imitation leatherette.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: And you'll find that the lining will keep the hands wonderfully warm. Won't it, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Warm as toast, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas: Yes, of course. That's because it's made from real imitation, simulated nylon fur fabric, you see?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Humphries: I wore a pair of those myself last season, and I had quite a lot of satisfaction. Didn't I, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I believe you did, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Lucas: During the freeze up last winter, you know, when I couldn't fill my hot water bottle, I wore a pair of those on my feet and I got a lot of satisfaction. Didn't I, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: What you say Mr. Lucas, has a distinct ring of truth about it, despite the fact that you've only been with us, two months.
The Leatherette Gloves: As a matter of fact, they're for the wife's brother. I don't like him very much.
Mr. Humphries: Well, in that case, Sir. You couldn't have made a better choice.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.

Mr. Lucas: [about Mr. Grainger] Hello, Churchill's having one of his catnaps again. Somebody better wake him up. It's time to go to bed.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [waking up] Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Lucas: Mr. Grainger, could I borrow your tape measure? I've got to take that gentleman's inside leg.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I'd prefer that you borrowed Mr. Humphries'.


"Are You Being Served?: German Week (#3.6)" (1975)
Mr. Grainger: I can't wait more than ten minutes because I'm having a bath tonight.
Mr. Humphries: Oh, it's treats!
Mr. Grainger: Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often.
Mr. Lucas: Having a bath with Mrs. Grainger, are you?
Mr. Grainger: I don't find that amusing!
Mr. Lucas: Come to think of it, neither would I.

Mr. Grainger: This is a funny name for a sweater. "Mit der Hand gewaschen"?
Captain Stephen Peacock: That means "wash by hand".
Mr. Lucas: It's a good thing you parley the Deutsch, Capt. Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I had to study it during the war, you know.

[discussing the German signs]
Mrs. Slocombe: One dear old lady customer of mine got a terrible shock. She was caught short and walked straight through the door marked "Herren".
Captain Peacock: You should have directed her to the door marked "Damen".
Mrs. Slocombe: I didn't have time. She saw the word "Her" and was off!
Mr. Grainger: And I'm here to tell you that she won't make the same mistake again.


"Are You Being Served?: Fifty Years On (#4.5)" (1976)
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I ask Mother how old she is and she tells me "as old as my nose and slightly older than my teeth".
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I'm a great deal older than my teeth

[In an attempt to sing happy birthday,no one can remember Mrs. Slocombe's first name, it becomes "Happy birthday, dear er, er]
Mr. Dick Lucas: I think "er, er, er" suits her better than "er, er".
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I entirely agree; to "er" is human.


"Are You Being Served?: Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend (#1.5)" (1973)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I hope you won't mind my mentioning the fact but I, I left my purse behind on the wireless in the kitchen this morning.
Captain Stephen Peacock: No, I don't mind you mentioning it at all.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: No, well I was wondering if you could let me have the pound back which I lent you yesterday?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Of course, Mr. Grainger, I... Oh dear. I too, seem to have left my notecase in the study on top of the color television set.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, have you? I seem to remember that you did the same thing last Friday, Stephen.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, Ernest. Yes, it seems I'm, I'm getting rather forgetful.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, that's why I reminded you about the pound.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] Yes, we're free.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Check these please.
[hands them their pay slips]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger, are you free?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: At the moment... Thank you.


"Are You Being Served?: The Old Order Changes (#5.4)" (1977)
Mr. Grainger: Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Slocombe: Drop dead.


"Are You Being Served?: Forward Mr. Grainger (#4.3)" (1976)
Mr. Grainger: [smoking an expensive cigar] Do you smoke?
Captain Peacock: Yes, indeed!
Mr. Grainger: Have a cigarette.


"Are You Being Served?: Cold Store (#3.4)" (1975)
[Mr. Grainger has spent the entire morning rushing off to the toilet because of "gastric distress." He returns from the toilet to find Miss Brahms in the Men's Department, and is unaware that she has been assigned there]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Humphries: Yes, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Send that girl back to her own department.
Mr. Humphries: She's been seconded to us, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Been what?
Mr. Humphries: Placed here at Captain Peacock's request.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, we'll soon see about that! Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Looks around] At present, yes.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Could I have a word with you?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, what is it?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, I have a very serious complaint.
[Grimaces]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, damn...
[Runs off to the toilet]
Captain Stephen Peacock: It doesn't appear to be getting any better!


"Are You Being Served?: It Pays to Advertise (#5.7)" (1977)
[a dummy of Mrs. Slocombe is wheeled onto the floor]
Mr. Grainger: Your hair looks very nice today, Mrs. Slocombe.
[the dummy remains silent]
Mr. Grainger: All right, ignore me, you bad-tempered old cow.


"Are You Being Served?: Christmas Crackers (#3.9)" (1975)
[Everyone sings a song 'Christmas time is here"]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Holly, mistletoe, big fir trees And once again a splendid reason To celebrate the festive season, Christmas time is here!
Mr. Mash: I've knocked up a land enchanted, Christmas trees freshly planted. And the reason for my smile- The overtime made it worthwhile!
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I, although a senior member, Get lightheaded in November.
Mr. Lucas: That's why he's dressed up as an egg, And I've lost half my inside leg.
Mrs. Slocombe: Speaking on behalf of blouses, It's rather drafty 'round the houses.
Miss Shirley Brahms: That must be why I saw you shiver.
Captain Stephen Peacock: You should have worn a bigger quiver!
[all sing chorus]
Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Even we so far above you At Christmas time just want to love you.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I, after all, must be a sport.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I trust I shan't be taken short.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Mr. Humphries looks so charming.
Mrs. Slocombe: It's his smile that's so disarming.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: How kind! But if I were a prince I'd still like Christmas pud and mince.
[all sing chorus]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Young Mr. Grace is brought in]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Young Mr. Grace!
Mrs. Slocombe: And there's the bell!
Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Mash, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Sit down, sir; you've done very well! We're so happy with our grotto
Mr. Mash: Here's a bottle. Let's get blotto!


"Are You Being Served?: The Father Christmas Affair (#4.7)" (1976)
Miss Brahms: Did you get your 'minute steak'?
Mr. Grainger: No. They said it would take ten minutes.


Are You Being Served? (1977)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [discussing local custom of singing a song to let others know you are using the bathroom, because the only lock is on the outside] Many more dinners like that, and I shall have to learn a longer song.


"Are You Being Served?: Mrs. Slocombe Expects (#5.1)" (1977)
Mr. Grainger: My, my, my, my teeth won't stop chattering.
Mr. Humphries: Well, put them in your pocket.


"Are You Being Served?: Shoulder to Shoulder (#3.7)" (1975)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: That Mrs. Slocombe gets in my hair.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Metaphorically speaking, you mean.


"Are You Being Served?: Take-Over (#5.5)" (1977)
Mr. James: [laughing at Mr. Grainger's toupee] Your name, sir?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Pardon?
Mr. James: The name, so I can introduce you!
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [Taken aback] Ernest Grainger!
Mr. James: The name of the berk you're supposed to be impersonating, you berk!
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [laughing in an over-active way] Sir Richard Ryan!
Mr. James: [Loudly] Sir Richard Ryan!


"Are You Being Served?: Oh What a Tangled Web (#4.6)" (1976)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I do hope he hasn't gone off the rails. I did myself, you know, when I was in Bathroom Fittings. There was a girl in Habidashiry...
[Ashamedly]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I got her into trouble.
Mr. James: What, with the supervisor?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: In the Club.
Mr. James: You mean the social club?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: The *Pudding* Club, you fool! What, you think you invented it?