Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold
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Quotes for
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold (Character)
from "Are You Being Served?" (1972)

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"Are You Being Served?: The Think Tank (#2.3)" (1974)
[first lines]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Morning ladies.

Captain Stephen Peacock: After I came out of the army, I made a study of sales technique. Now, there was a theory that a moving display has more impact than a... than a static one.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] True.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, I suppose you mean we should have our trousers moving about more.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: How do we achieve that?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Couple of dozen pairs of electric legs.
[laughs]
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm being quite serious, Mr. Lucas.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, how does that affect my department?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, do we have lots of electric knickers jumping up and down on the counter?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Wouldn't that be very expensive?
Mr. Dick Lucas: You could have Mrs. Slocombe jumping up and down on the counter. That should make a big enough impact!
[laughs]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That's it. I am withdrawing to the canteen.

Captain Stephen Peacock: I mean a down to earth fashion show, where we demonstrate to the man in the street that we sell ordinary clothes that are well within the reach of his pocket.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: And what about the woman in the street?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Unisex!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I, I mean a show for both sexes. I don't think your idea for a men's fashion show would get us anywhere. But my idea for a... a unisex show seems very original.
Miss Shirley Brahms: But I thought unisex meant men and women in the same clothes.
Mr. Dick Lucas: It does!
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Does it? Perhaps I meant bisexual.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: No, I don't think you meant that, Mr. Rumbold.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Perhaps we should call it A Man And Woman's Fashion Parade.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Or better still, "Male And Female Modes On The Move". Yes, that's it. I don't think your idea for "A Man And Woman's Fashion Parade" would have any appeal at all, but my idea for "Male And Female Modes On The Move" has fantastic appeal. Agreed?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, yes, Mr. Rumbold, yes. What a pity you couldn't have thought of something like that, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Yes, well, it's up to me now, to get over the financial problem. If I run into any difficulties, we'll just have to have another session of the think tank.
Captain Stephen Peacock: In which we think and it all goes into your tank.

Young Mr. Grace: I hope this is not going to take too long. I'm supposed to be going to see "Last Tango In Paris". I got the okay from my heart specialist this morning.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, no, Mr. Grace, you uh... just sit there. Now, what you're going to see is the fashion show that I told you about.
Young Mr. Grace: Did you? Oh, yes. Yes, I remember. Yes. "Male And Female Moods In The Mauve".
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: "Modes On The Move". The fashion show to help the falling figures.
Young Mr. Grace: Oh, are we going to see girls in corsets?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, sales figures, Mr. Grace. And if you like it, then we'll have one.
Young Mr. Grace: One what?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: A fashion show, Sir.
Young Mr. Grace: Oh, I thought we were having one.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, this is just a demonstration to show you what we have in mind. It's aimed at the man in the street and woman in the street.
Young Mr. Grace: You mean tarts?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, Sir, just ordinary people.

[last lines]
Young Mr. Grace: Well, goodbye, everybody.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe, Mr. Dick Lucas, Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Goodbye, Mr. Grace.
Young Mr. Grace: Goodbye. You've all done very well!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe, Mr. Dick Lucas, Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr. Grace: Whose idea was the fashion parade?
[Captain Peacock opens his mouth to speak]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Mine, sir!
Young Mr. Grace: Well, I think it's a rotten idea.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [chagrinned] Or was it mine?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, it was.


"Are You Being Served?: Our Figures Are Slipping (#1.2)" (1973)
Mrs. Slocombe: Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold, Miss Brahms and I would like to complain about the state of our drawers. They're... They're a positive disgrace.
Mr. Rumbold: Your what, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: Our drawers. They're sticking. It's always the same in damp weather.
Mr. Rumbold: Really?
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms could hardly shift hers at all just now.
Mr. Lucas: [laughing] No wonder she was late.
Mrs. Slocombe: They sent up a man who put beeswax on them, but that made them worse.
Mr. Rumbold: I'm not surprised.
Miss Brahms: I think they need sandpapering.
Mr. Rumbold: Would that help, do you think, Peacock?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, you see, I puff French chalk on mine, and they're as smooth as silk.
Mr. Lucas: Perhaps you could puff some French chalk over Mrs. Slocombe's.
Mr. Rumbold: Would that solve your problem, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: They ought to be changed. I've had them ever since I've been here!

Mr. Rumbold: A satisfied team is an efficient team.
Mr. Lucas: And a satisfied virgin, is a virgin no longer.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Mr. Grainger is snoring on his chair] Poor old soul, he's been on his feet all day. He probably goes to sleep about this time on the train.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Rumbold: Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms: Mr. Grainger?
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms! Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms: Baldy?
Mr. Rumbold: One hesitates to lay hands on him. Still...
Mr. Lucas: Oh no, no, no. I wouldn't if I were you, Mr, Rumbold. No, no. Just think. Sudden shock, heart attack, kicks the bucket. News Of The World: "Aged Worker Dies At Hands Of Overseer". That wouldn't look good for Grace Brothers.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Excuse me, Captain Peacock. I think I know what to do.
[coughs]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, do you feel like having cocoa and buns, now?
Mrs. Slocombe: I never feel like having cocoa and buns. If I'd known the firm was going to be so stingy, I'd have gone out and had a Wimpy cheeseburger.
Mr. Rumbold: I believe there's some cheese in the buns.
Miss Brahms: I don't like cheese.
Mr. Lucas: There's not very much cheese in the buns.

Mr. Rumbold: [handing Mrs. Slocombe the jug of milk] Would you like to be mother, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, seeing as I'm not having any, I don't see why I should be lumbered pouring it out.

Mr. Rumbold: That was a very smart bit of selling, Mr. Lucas. You see, the smile does the trick.
Mr. Lucas: Oh, it does indeed, Mr. Rumbold, yes.
Mr. Rumbold: You obviously know your stock very well. Even I was unaware we had a vicuna coat.
Captain Stephen Peacock: We haven't. Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace his own coat.
Mr. Rumbold: Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace, Mr. Lucas's coat?
Captain Stephen Peacock: No... Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace, Mr. Grace's coat.


"Are You Being Served?: His and Her's (#1.4)" (1973)
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Captain Peacock?
Captain Peacock: Yes, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Can I have a word?
Captain Peacock: Certainly, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: What is that?
Captain Peacock: A cup of tea, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I do not expect to find you of all people drinking tea in the department. The canteen is the place for that sort of thing.
Captain Peacock: I got it from the cleaner, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: And they are paid to clean the place, not bring you tea.
Captain Peacock: You misunderstand me, Sir. I took it away from them, at the same time complaining about the mess that the old bags were making.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I don't think you should refer to the cleaning staff as Old Bags, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: [Mr. Rumbold has just informed the staff that Mr. Grainger's central trouser display was removed to make way for a new perfume display]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Do you mean we're going to sell scent?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Yes, you could put it like that.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, if it's scent, why don't you clear some counter space in the ladies' department?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Precisely. Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying far too much underwear.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Are you suggesting, Mr. Grainger, that I should remove my underwear and put perfume there instead?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you suggesting that I should remove my trousers and put perfume there instead?

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I must point out that this is... a boardroom decision, and that the perfume in question is going to be on sale to both sexes, under the brand name of His and Hers.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, I'm not going to sell Hers, and I refuse to have anything to do with His.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Please, please, please! Let's marshal all our facts, and find out precisely why this young lady left. Now, first of all, whose finger was it on the button that ruined the tape?
Captain Peacock: Well, it was my finger, but it...
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, no, no, no. Just the facts. Now, how did the other voice come into it?
Mr. Lucas: Well, I was talking through my hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Could you be more explicit?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, there was a microphone in his hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I see. Why?
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well... You see, Mr. Grainger said, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Did you say that, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, actually, Henry the Second said it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Perhaps I can explain. It wasn't Mr. Grainger who said it in the play, it was Becket. You remember, Mr. Rumbold, he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That's why he got such a good round of applause.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Now, I may be dense... but has the play got to do with this girl leaving?
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, you see, Mr. Grainger drew our attention to the fact that Henry the Second wanted to get rid of Becket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Becket?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Not Beckett from Hardware, no.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, the pity of it is that the His and Hers perfume company, is a subsidiary of our firm, Grace Brothers.


"Are You Being Served?: Cold Comfort (#2.2)" (1974)
[first lines]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, good morning, ladies.
Elsie, Gladys: Morning.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: How are we this morning?
Elsie: Me shammy's gone stiff.

Young Mr. Grace: Good morning, everybody.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Good morning, Mr. Grace.
Young Mr. Grace: I think you've all done very well, working in these cold conditions.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr. Grace: Carry on. You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I do wish you'd wait for me to say "come in" before you come in, Captain Peacock!


Are You Being Served? (1977)
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [the staff just arrived at the hotel] Ring the bell, Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I hope you're not going to keep ordering me around. We are on holiday.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I'm sorry. Ring the bell, Stephen.

Mr. Beverley Harman: What do you want - India Tea powder, or China Tea Powder?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: What tastes most like the label on the packet?
Mr. Beverley Harman: The actual packet! Look, there's not point being fussy
[rips a packet open and pours the powder into the cup of hot water on Rumbold's desk]
Mr. Beverley Harman: Here, have the Indian!
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Arn't I supposed to leave it for 2 minuttes to brew?
Mr. Beverley Harman: I shouldn't do that - it'll take the pattern off the cup!

Mr. Beverley Harman: [Pausing at the door] Would it be in order to ask if your good lady wife will be accompanying you?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, as a matter of fact, she will be staying at home.
Mr. Beverley Harman: Oh, I see - hoping to cop a bit of spare when you get there!
[Exits]


"Are You Being Served?: Shoulder to Shoulder (#3.7)" (1975)
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, Miss Thorpe, where's the maintenance file?
Miss Thorpe: You mean the one marked 'Decoration'?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Yes.
Miss Thorpe: I filed it yesterday under 'A'.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Under 'A'?
Miss Thorpe: Yes, I file most things under 'A'.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I don't quite follow.
Miss Thorpe: Well, A letter, A sales report, A customer's complaint.
Captain Stephen Peacock: A difficult way of finding anything.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [on the phone] Hello, who is this?... What do you mean, you "can't guess"? I'm not asking you to guess who I am, I want to know who *you* are... I see. You won't tell me until I tell you.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [on the phone] Well, will you find Captain Peacock and tell him he's wanted urgently on the phone?
Captain Stephen Peacock: [walking in] Oh, thank you, sir. I'll take it here, if you don't mind.
[takes the phone from Rumbold's hand]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Captain Peacock here, I understand you have an urgent telephone call for me.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: It's me!
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm sorry, sir, I understood you to say it was for me.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: It *was* for you!
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, I see no reason why I shouldn't take an urgent telephone call. I mean, it might have been from my wi...
[Peacock sees Rumboldt's young, attractive secretary]
Captain Stephen Peacock: My... my mother.


"Are You Being Served?: Hoorah for the Holidays (#2.5)" (1974)
Mr. Rumbold: [describing possible locations for the staff holiday] "Belly-dancing and sword-swallowing are a nightly attraction for the diners as they sit, cross-legged, on their jhibos, toying with their couscous
[to Mr. Humphries]
Mr. Rumbold: I think a jhibo must be some sort of cushion!
Mr. Humphries: I was going to ask you about that.
Mr. Grainger: What exactly is a couscous?
Captain Peacock: It's a... It's an Arabic, sagoey sort of dish. You eat it with the cut-off ear of a sheep.
Mr. Grainger: Eurgh!
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I'm not sitting on my jhibo in a Foreign Legion fort, toying with me couscous. Not even with a knife and fork!
Mr. Rumbold: I thought it sounded rather fun.

[last lines]
Young Mr. Grace: Oh, yes, there's just one thing. - The decorators cant make August, so you'll have to take the last two weeks in November.
Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Rumbold, Captain Peacock, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Mash: November?
Captain Peacock: Where can you go in November? It's out of season!
Mr. Grainger: Oh, no, it's alright. You can all come and stay at Mrs. Featherstone's. I have a photograph here.
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, there's one consolation. - If we all go to Mrs. Featherstone's, we won't have to go forty miles to find a pot there.

Mr. Mash: Eh, Mr. Rumbold. Have the high-ups come to their senses about the holidays, then.
Mr. Rumbold: If you'd like to stay, I've called a meeting to give a ruling.
Mr. Mash: Cause I've been on the blower, and I can't cancel the Seychelles.
Mr. Rumbold: The Seashells Boarding House?
Mr. Mash: No, the Seychelles in the Indian Ocean.
Mr. Rumbold: Seems a long way to go for someone in your position.
Mr. Rumbold: I've got the urge for some of them native girls in grass skirts. Way-hey!
Mr. Rumbold: Indeed.
Mr. Mash: I'm leaving the wife and taking the lawnmower!


"Are You Being Served?: Big Brother (#2.4)" (1974)
Mr. Humphries: [hangs up phone] Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: What's up?
Mr. Humphries: You're wanted in the office.
Mr. Lucas: What for?
Mr. Humphries: Someone has seen you smoking. And as your senior here, I should have told you to put it out.
Mr. Rumbold: [watching in his office on surveillance camera] Quite right, Humphries! Good man.
Mr. Humphries: You never know when old jug-ears is snooping round.

Mr. Rumbold: [talking about shoplifting in the store] Only this morning, Mrs. Slocombe informed me that she'd had a skirt lifted.
Mr. Humphries: Some people have all the luck.
Mr. Rumbold: And I seem to remember Miss Brahms lost something last week.
Mr. Lucas: It wasn't me.
Mr. Humphries: Do you know, only the other day, a customer reached across the counter and put his hands in my Fair Isle drawers. He said he was going to pay.
Mr. Rumbold: Yes, well, I've got a man to handle that sort of thing.
Mr. Humphries: Oh, nice.

Mr. Rumbold: [Watching the CCTV from his office] Mrs. Slocombe's come back at last! Make a note, make a note! Four visits to the powder room!
The secretary: [Wearily] Yes, sir...
Mr. Rumbold: Grainger's eating a pie, now - a PORK pie!
The secretary: [Writing it down] Pork Pie...
Mr. Rumbold: It's amazing what you can see with this thing!
The secretary: Mmm. About the only thing you haven't spotted so far is a shoplifter!


"Are You Being Served?: Oh What a Tangled Web (#4.6)" (1976)
Captain Stephen Peacock: I sat behind the wheel all night, trying to think what to say...
[stands]
Captain Stephen Peacock: to the woman I love.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Why not, "Jump in the front for a quick cuddle?"
Captain Stephen Peacock: Foolishly, I asked Mr. Rumbold to perjure himself. Quite correctly, he refused so to do. For, after all, when the final account is balanced up in the Book of Life, we are men of integrity. What I've said is true, and I swear it, as a God-fearing man, and an ex-officer of the Royal Army Service Corps.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [after applause from the department, Mr. Rumbold stands] Mrs. Peacock, if ever I've heard the truth from the lips of a man, then I've heard it today. I'm sure you can doubt your husband no longer.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to Mr. Grainger] I didn't think people talked like this anymore!

Mrs. Peacock: Is that her?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: That is my secretary, yes.
[Mrs. Peacock breaks down sobbing]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Do you know, when I was in the navy, we had a petty officer just like that.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I notice she didn't burst into tears when she thought it was me.
Mr. Dick Lucas: [dryly] Funny, that.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Did you or did you not spend the night with Captain Peacock?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I object. Now, "spend the night" has many connotations. One can spend the night quite innocently in someone's company. If you mean, did she have an affair with me, then say so.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, very well. Did you have an affair with Captain Peacock?
Miss Monica Hazlewood: Certainly not!
Captain Stephen Peacock: Thank you.
Miss Monica Hazlewood: Why, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. It's absurd. Ugh... it's unthinkable!
Captain Stephen Peacock: [indignant] You've made your point, Miss Hazelwood. A plain "no" would have been quite sufficient.


"Are You Being Served?: The Old Order Changes (#5.4)" (1977)
[discussing about adopting the US image of a store]
Mr. Rumbold: ...and we must all call each other by our first names. Mr Lucas, what is your first name?
Mr. Lucas: FORGET ABOUT IT! Just call me Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Rumbold: We can't have that, now, can we Mr. Lucas! Tell me your first name.
Mr. Lucas: [after a long pause] *Dick.*

[discussing the new informal policy of the store]
Mr. Rumbold: Um, what do you think?
Captain Peacock: I was dubious at first but I can see the advantage of being able to speak one's mind and get things off one's chest without fear of upsetting anybody.
Mr. Rumbold: I'm so glad you feel that way, Stephen, because there's something I've been wanting to say to you all day.
Captain Peacock: Oh really, Cuthbert, what's that?
Mr. Rumbold: Get stuffed.


"Are You Being Served?: Mrs. Slocombe Expects (#5.1)" (1977)
[the staff have come in late for an early meeting]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I demand an explanation!
Captain Stephen Peacock: As to why I have 2 inches of snow on my hat?
Miss Shirley Brahms: We've been stood outside in the snow for 20 minutes because some stupid *twit* didn't tell security we was coming in!
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [realizing he's at fault] Ah!

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I'm glad to see the older generation sets a good example by coming in early.
Mr. Harry Harman: Yeah, well I like to get out of bed before Mrs. Harman wakes. She don't look her best first thing in the morning. Come to think of it, she don't look so hot last thing at night either.


"Are You Being Served?: No Sale (#4.1)" (1976)
Captain Peacock: Everything all right, sir?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, yes, yes, yes. I was just counting the customers.
Captain Peacock: Well, at the moment we have one there and one over there.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, good. I'll make a note of that. Carry on, Captain Peacock.
[Captain Peacock stays standing in the middle of the floor waiting on customers to ask him for help]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Carry on, Captain Peacock!
Captain Peacock: I am carrying on, sir. This is what I do.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Incredulous] All day?
Captain Peacock: All day.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I'll make a note of that as well!

Mr. Dick Lucas: [Mr. Rumbold catches him snooping in his office] I heard the phone ringing, so I came in to answer it in case it was urgent.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, why haven't you answered it?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yes, well, I suddenly thought to myself, "Perhaps it's a private call and Mr. Rumbold won't want me to answer it."


"Are You Being Served?: The Clock (#2.1)" (1974)
Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock, Miss Brahms, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

[last lines]
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash, Mrs. Grainger: For he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.


"Are You Being Served?: Fire Practice (#4.4)" (1976)
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Mr. Lucas. How would you like to rescue Mrs. Slocombe?
Mr. Dick Lucas: [Scowling] Is that an order?
Captain Peacock: Yes. Now, Mrs. Slocombe, remember to relax and let your body go.
Mr. Dick Lucas: From the look of it, she already has.

[the Emir and his party are holding up their right hands]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: What's going on?
Captain Peacock: I'm afraid it's you, sir. The sign they're giving is that to ward off the evil eye.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Good heavens, surely I haven't got an evil eye, have I?
The Emir's Chief Assistant: No, haja, you have evil ear.


"Are You Being Served?: Camping In (#1.3)" (1973)
Captain Stephen Peacock: I was trying to get Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe together in the same tent.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: What, all three of you?
Captain Stephen Peacock: No, Sir. I don't want to share with the ladies.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Ah good.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I want to share with you.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Everyone thinks of how they are going to provide sleeping accommodations in the store] Camping.
Mr. Humphries: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Camping! Were you never in the Scouts, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Well, not officially.


"Are You Being Served?: Dear Sexy Knickers... (#1.1)" (1973)
Mr. Dick Lucas: [Mr. Humphries has been caught "putting the knee in" a jacket and has been brought before Mr. Rumbold] You see, it was like this, you see, Sir. Erm, Mr. Humphries kneed the jacket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Ah! You mean, Mr. Humphries needed the jacket. Let's get our tenses right.
Mr. Humphries: No, no, you don't understand, Sir. You see, I kneed the jacket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: You need it now?
Mr. Humphries: No, I kneed it then.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: You mean, you needed it then.
Captain Stephen Peacock: If I might clarify the situation, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Captain Peacock. It does seem to have got rather out of hand.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes. It's a matter of spelling, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Spelling?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes Sir. You spelled kneed with an N. Mr. Humphries was using a K.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, you mean like kneading dough? Is that it, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yes, that's it. I needed the dough, but he didn't want the jacket because it was too tight.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: So you kneaded it to make it more supple, which was why you needed the jacket, you may recall Captain Peacock. That is what I said in the first place.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Nearly right, Sir, yes. But what they're trying to explain, Sir, is that, erm... and coming from Hardware, you would not be aware of this, but there is a method used, and I disapprove of it myself, Sir. There is a method used to enlarge the arm holes of jackets, and the method used is to knee the jacket... with a K.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I am aware of how you spell jacket, Captain Peacock.

Captain Stephen Peacock: [demonstrating how to knee a jacket to loosen the stitches] Now then, Sir. If you will er, listen carefully. I take the jacket so... and I pull so.
[knees the jacket]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I can't hear any stitches go.
Mr. Humphries: Perhaps it's already been done.
Captain Stephen Peacock: What makes you say that?
Mr. Humphries: Well, I sold it to you.


"Are You Being Served?: German Week (#3.6)" (1975)
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, where are we in our conference?
Mr. Humphries: Mrs. Slocombe was remembering being flat on her back on Clapham Common.
Mrs. Slocombe: Can we knock it off, please?
Mr. Lucas: She even remembers what she said!


"Are You Being Served?: New Look (#3.8)" (1975)
Miss Brahms: And we could have those lovely big potted plants - you know, the ones with the big leaves.
Mr. Rumbold: You mean palms?
Mrs. Slocombe: That's right. The feel of the '20s.
Mr. Lucas: Yeah, I'm very fond of a feel of the 20s.


"Are You Being Served?: Top Hat and Tails (#4.2)" (1976)
Mr. Rumbold: Dancing so well and playing the piano as you do, I'm quite surprised to find you working in a store.
Captain Peacock: Playing the piano as you do, I'm not at all surprised to find you working in a store.


"Are You Being Served?: Christmas Crackers (#3.9)" (1975)
[Everyone sings a song 'Christmas time is here"]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Holly, mistletoe, big fir trees And once again a splendid reason To celebrate the festive season, Christmas time is here!
Mr. Mash: I've knocked up a land enchanted, Christmas trees freshly planted. And the reason for my smile- The overtime made it worthwhile!
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I, although a senior member, Get lightheaded in November.
Mr. Lucas: That's why he's dressed up as an egg, And I've lost half my inside leg.
Mrs. Slocombe: Speaking on behalf of blouses, It's rather drafty 'round the houses.
Miss Shirley Brahms: That must be why I saw you shiver.
Captain Stephen Peacock: You should have worn a bigger quiver!
[all sing chorus]
Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Even we so far above you At Christmas time just want to love you.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I, after all, must be a sport.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I trust I shan't be taken short.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Mr. Humphries looks so charming.
Mrs. Slocombe: It's his smile that's so disarming.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: How kind! But if I were a prince I'd still like Christmas pud and mince.
[all sing chorus]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Young Mr. Grace is brought in]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Young Mr. Grace!
Mrs. Slocombe: And there's the bell!
Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Mash, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Sit down, sir; you've done very well! We're so happy with our grotto
Mr. Mash: Here's a bottle. Let's get blotto!


"Are You Being Served?: The Father Christmas Affair (#4.7)" (1976)
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Mrs. Slocombe is dressed as Father Christmas] What are you playing at, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I'm not playing at nothing! Only I would ask you to remember that Parliament has passed the Sexual Relations Act, which states that women are just as good at it as men! And, what's more, they should be paid the same for doing it!
Captain Stephen Peacock: What exactly are you suggesting, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That I should be allowed to have a go at Father Christmas.


"Are You Being Served?: Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend (#1.5)" (1973)
Captain Stephen Peacock: How much is the reward, sir?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I beg your pardon?
Captain Stephen Peacock: How much is the reward?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: How... how much is the reward?...
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Erm... 75 pounds! How does that sound?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Very convincing, Sir.
[to Mr. Humphries]
Mr. Dick Lucas: The old chiseller's trying to do us out of twenty five quid.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's his ears you know. When they're low set, like that, it means they've got criminal instincts.


"Are You Being Served?: A Bliss Girl (#6.5)" (1978)
[summarizing the exchange between Captain Peacock and Mrs. Slocombe]
Mr. Rumbold: Now, let's start again. You put your finger up Mrs. Slocombe's nose, causing her to snort in a sort of "pp-ppbt" fashion.
[Captain Peacock rolls his eyes]
Mr. Rumbold: Then, logically, she would put up two fingers to protect her nose from your probing digit!
[Mrs. Slocombe stares blankly]
Mr. Rumbold: This, in turn, Mr. Humphries misinterpreted as a request for him to save her two seats in the canteen.
[Mr. Humphries frowns in distress]
Mr. Rumbold: Have you anything else written down in your book that you would like me to clarify?
Captain Stephen Peacock: "Not on your nellie."
Mr. Rumbold: Oh well. If that's it, there's no more to be said. Rather a waste of time, really.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes indeed, sir.


"Are You Being Served?: Pilot (#1.0)" (1972)
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: We are here to discuss Mrs. Slocombe displaying her underwear.


"Are You Being Served?: Sit Out (#8.4)" (1981)
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Instructing Mrs. Slocombe during a sales exercise in which she and Capt. Peacock play a married couple shopping at the store] Remember, you are a typical suburban married couple.
Captain Peacock: [Annoyed] I object to that word, "suburban."
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, how would you describe yourself?
Captain Peacock: Upper middle class.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Have you got two bathrooms in your house?
Captain Peacock: No.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Have you got gnomes in your garden?
Captain Peacock: A couple of very small ones.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Are you within walking distance of a Metropolitan Line station?
Captain Peacock: Yes.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: You're suburban.


"Are You Being Served?: The Erotic Dreams of Mrs Slocombe (#8.7)" (1981)
Mrs. Slocombe: [staggers sideways into the office, obviously very drunk] I hope you're not under the impression that I have been out there boozing, Mr. Rumbold. I simply slipped down to the corner to buy a packet of "crisops."
Mr. Rumbold: Without doubting your word, Mrs Slocombe, may I ask you to breath into this bag? And let me warn you that your whole future at Grace Brothers depends on it!
[she breaths into the breathalyzer bag, puts it on Mr Rumbold's desk, and it flies into the air]


"Are You Being Served?: Calling All Customers (#9.4)" (1983)
[Mrs. Slocombe has entered a story she wrote into a contest]
Mr. Rumbold: I think the heroine ought to be ten years younger to make it believable... she takes an herbal bath on nearly every page.
Mrs. Slocombe: A lot of men prefer older women. I mean, what about that Joan Collins in Dynasty.
Mr. Rumbold: Yes, but she doesn't jump into trucks at 80 miles an hour with a spanner in one hand, saying, "Hand over your smoky or I'll put the boot in."


Are You Being Served? (2016) (TV)
Mr. Rumbold: I can't see your H O D.
Miss Brahms: I'm not wearing one!