Captain Stephen Peacock
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Quotes for
Captain Stephen Peacock (Character)
from "Are You Being Served?" (1972)

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"Are You Being Served?: Cold Comfort (#2.2)" (1974)
Captain Peacock: Good morning Mrs Slocombe, Miss Brahms. You're one minute late.
Mrs. Slocombe: You're lucky to have me at all, Captain Peacock. I had to thaw me pussy out before I came. He'd been out all night.

Mr Humphries: [Captain Peacock is wearing a ski mask] Oh, it's the masked stranger. Take my body but leave my jewels alone.
Captain Peacock: Good morning, Mr. Humphries.
Mr Humphries: I withdraw the offer.
Captain Peacock: They're very useful for keeping out the cold.
Mr Humphries: Whatever has happened to the central heating in here? My ballpoint'll never function in this weather.

Mr. Dick Lucas: I'm sorry I'm late, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Don't tell me you skated here, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas: No, no, I went skating last night with a girlfriend and she's got thin blood.
Captain Peacock: What has that to do with your being late?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Well I had to stay the night with her, to keep her circulation going, you know.

Miss Shirley Brahms: Ooh, d'you know I wish I put on my thicker knickers this morning.
Captain Peacock: You know, you young girls today don't wear enough clothes.
Miss Shirley Brahms: And how would you know?
Captain Peacock: Well, I keep warm with this. See? The commando's used to wear them during the war. You'd do well to do the same.
Miss Shirley Brahms: What? String knickers? You must be joking.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well I think it's ridiculous expecting us to fit a customer with a bra in this weather.

Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Peacock: At the moment, yes.
Mrs. Slocombe: Could I have a word with you?
Captain Peacock: Certainly.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it's rather personal.
Captain Peacock: Ah.
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms has just been and it's frozen over.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
Mrs. Slocombe: The ladies. It's solid.
Captain Peacock: I see. But what exactly do you expect me to do about it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I thought I'd ask you if umm... we could use the gents. It's rather urgent.
Captain Peacock: Yes, well, I'll uh have a word with Mr. Grainger. You must go through the right channels, you know.
Mrs. Slocombe: Yeah, well, don't be too long.
[Miss Brahm's mouths "But it's cold"]
Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Err, yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Umm, a slightly delicate situation has arisen. It appears...
[whispers what has had happened into Mr. Grainger's ear]
Mrs. Slocombe: He's asking Grainger.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, fancy telling Grainger I wanted to go.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I understand, Captain Peacock. Of course, I shall have to consult my colleagues. Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] We're free.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh, he'll be sending for Doctor Kissinger in a minute.
Miss Shirley Brahms: It's degrading. He's telling them all now.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Why can't she use the one in the bargain basement?
Mr Humphries: Yes, or the public one on the sports floor?

Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Humphries?
Mr Humphries: Err... I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Good. We mustn't keep the customer waiting.

Captain Peacock: [about the toilet] Mrs. Slocombe, it's free if you want to go.

Captain Peacock: Are you being served, Sir?
Footwarmers Customer: I'd like to look at some trousers, please.
Captain Peacock: One moment, Sir.

Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: How long have we been displaying electrical equipment in the Cardinal Woolsey cabinet?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you free, Mr. Humphries?
Mr Humphries: I'm afraid I am, Mr. Grianger. Mr. Lucas is free too.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Thank you.

Young Mr. Grace: Good morning, everybody.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Good morning, Mr. Grace.
Young Mr. Grace: I think you've all done very well, working in these cold conditions.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr. Grace: Carry on. You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

[last lines]
Mrs. Slocombe: Actually, I have a confession to make. I took the liberty of having a little nip of something to keep me warm.
Captain Peacock: I wouldn't have minded a drop myself, Betty.
Mrs. Slocombe: Be my guest, Stephen. It's secreted in the perfume display.
Captain Peacock: How ingenious?
[laughs]
Mrs. Slocombe: [picks up the wrong perfume bottle] Open your mouth.
Captain Peacock: As there are no customers around.
Mrs. Slocombe: This'll put the roses back in your cheeks.
Captain Peacock: [Mrs. Slocombe sprays perfume in Captain Peacock's mouth] Agh! Ooh!

Mr. Dick Lucas: A bit taters in here this morning, innit?
Captain Peacock: You needn't concern yourself with the heat, Mr. Lucas. Mr. Rumbold is going to make an announcement about that in a few moments.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, well, we've got nothing to worry about then, have we? The shear excitement of an announcement by Mr. Rumbold is sending the blood pounding through my temples already.
Mr Humphries: That's not excitement, that's a hangover.

Captain Peacock: [after a lengthy and embarrassing consultation with the Men's Department on whether Miss Brahms can use their toilet since the one in the ladies department is frozen and unusable] They've agreed.
Mrs. Slocombe: There you are, Miss Brahms!
Miss Shirley Brahms: I don't want to go, now.


"Are You Being Served?: His and Her's (#1.4)" (1973)
Captain Peacock: Let me put it another way. Do you have a particular boyfriend?
Miss French: All my boyfriends are particular.
Captain Peacock: Of course.
[coughs]
Captain Peacock: Yes. No, no, what I was trying, what I was trying to say was, I wondered if you might by any chance be free to join me for a drink when we close tonight?
Miss French: [very loudly] Are you chatting me up?

Captain Peacock: Where are you going with that, Mash?
Mr. Mash: I'm papering the gents' on the fourth floor.
Captain Peacock: Shouldn't that be done by Decorating and Maintenance?
Mr. Mash: [holds up a roll of toilet paper] Not this sort of papering.
Captain Peacock: Just a minute, Mash. You are supposed to use the staff lift.
Mr. Mash: Ey, look here, Peacock, it ain't even quarter to nine.
Captain Peacock: Captain Peacock to you.
Mr. Mash: And it's Mr. Mash to you. Now, you ain't got no authority over me until the official commencement of your employment, which is at nine o'clock. Now if you come in here early cause your wife can't stand ya, it's no concern of mine... brother.

Captain Peacock: Hillary, Deirdre, you're supposed to be cleaning the department, not drinking tea in it. Now get on with your work. And get that vacuum cleaner out of here before I come in, and get the bags changed. The old ones are blowing out more dust than they're sucking in.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Captain Peacock?
Captain Peacock: Yes, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Can I have a word?
Captain Peacock: Certainly, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: What is that?
Captain Peacock: A cup of tea, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I do not expect to find you of all people drinking tea in the department. The canteen is the place for that sort of thing.
Captain Peacock: I got it from the cleaner, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: And they are paid to clean the place, not bring you tea.
Captain Peacock: You misunderstand me, Sir. I took it away from them, at the same time complaining about the mess that the old bags were making.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I don't think you should refer to the cleaning staff as Old Bags, Captain Peacock.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [signing in at work] Good morning, Captain Peacock. You're rather later than customary, are you not?
Captain Peacock: Well, apart from one or two other things, I had to get my wife off.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Off what?
Captain Peacock: Off on the train, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr. Mash: "Where shall I stick it, then?". As the stamp collector said to Mae West.
Captain Peacock: That will do, Mr. Mash. Come on, everybody, lend a hand.
Mr. Mash: That's what Mae West said to the stamp collector.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: I shall take no part in it!
Mr. Lucas: Ha, ha! Mutiny on the counter!
Captain Peacock: Now, come, come, Mr. Grainger, that's not like you.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, even in the French Revolution, the victims weren't expected to chop off their own heads.
Captain Peacock: I'm sure it won't come to that, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Nevertheless, my staff will not cooperate in the outfitting of that stand.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I'm behind you, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas: And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries. Yes, unless Captain Peacock says I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries. In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Captain Peacock, I'm surprised at you. You, a happily married man.
Captain Peacock: Ah, would that be true.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, not another one.
Captain Peacock: After fourteen years, you don't know what it's like.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I didn't know what it was like after seven.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Are you free, Captain Peacock?
Captain Peacock: [looks about him] At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: This is the salesgirl from the scent people.
[gestures at the attractive Miss French]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [walks over, grabs Miss French's hand, and smiles broadly] Good morning. May I welcome you most cordially to Grace Brothers!
Captain Peacock: Oh, blimey.

Captain Peacock: I'm just trying to think of the best way of handling it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Tell her to push off!

Captain Peacock: You've certainly caused a stir in the trouser department.
Miss French: Yes, this outfit usually gets the men going. It's the gymslip look that does it. That and the stocking tops.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Please, please, please! Let's marshal all our facts, and find out precisely why this young lady left. Now, first of all, whose finger was it on the button that ruined the tape?
Captain Peacock: Well, it was my finger, but it...
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, no, no, no. Just the facts. Now, how did the other voice come into it?
Mr. Lucas: Well, I was talking through my hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Could you be more explicit?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, there was a microphone in his hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I see. Why?
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well... You see, Mr. Grainger said, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Did you say that, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, actually, Henry the Second said it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Perhaps I can explain. It wasn't Mr. Grainger who said it in the play, it was Becket. You remember, Mr. Rumbold, he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That's why he got such a good round of applause.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Now, I may be dense... but has the play got to do with this girl leaving?
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, you see, Mr. Grainger drew our attention to the fact that Henry the Second wanted to get rid of Becket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Becket?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Not Beckett from Hardware, no.

Captain Peacock: I would like to state at this point, that I had no hand in the girl's departure.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I should think not, with your eyes glued to her garters.


"Are You Being Served?: Dear Sexy Knickers... (#1.1)" (1973)
Captain Stephen Peacock: How are the sales going Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, in lingerie, pants are up and bras are down.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Better than the other way around, eh, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: Now, now, Captain Peacock, you mustn't say things like that in front of my little assistant.
Miss Brahms: Don't worry about me. I don't wear 'em.
[Captain Peacock looks at her]
Miss Brahms: Bras I mean.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm sure it's against staff regulations. But still I'm always prepared to look the other way.
Miss Brahms: Yeah, you could've fooled me.

Mr. Humphries: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock: [looks about him] Yes, I'm free.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [looks about him] Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Dick Lucas: [after being caught kneeing a hole into a pair of trousers] Well it was like this, you see, Mr. Peacock. My customer's crotch was too tight and I was trying to stretch it... well, them. I was... I was... I was trying to stretch them, Sir.
Captain Stephen Peacock: You seem to have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Humphries: [looks about him] Yes, at the moment.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Ask Mr. Grainger, if he's free, to step this way.
Mr. Humphries: Excuse me. Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [looks about him] Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Do you encourage your assistants to try to stretch trousers when they don't fit?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Most certainly not. Do we, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Certainly not, Mr. Grainger. We give them the same pair back, and say we found a larger size.

Mr. Dick Lucas: [Mr. Humphries has been caught "putting the knee in" a jacket and has been brought before Mr. Rumbold] You see, it was like this, you see, Sir. Erm, Mr. Humphries kneed the jacket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Ah! You mean, Mr. Humphries needed the jacket. Let's get our tenses right.
Mr. Humphries: No, no, you don't understand, Sir. You see, I kneed the jacket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: You need it now?
Mr. Humphries: No, I kneed it then.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: You mean, you needed it then.
Captain Stephen Peacock: If I might clarify the situation, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Captain Peacock. It does seem to have got rather out of hand.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes. It's a matter of spelling, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Spelling?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes Sir. You spelled kneed with an N. Mr. Humphries was using a K.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, you mean like kneading dough? Is that it, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yes, that's it. I needed the dough, but he didn't want the jacket because it was too tight.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: So you kneaded it to make it more supple, which was why you needed the jacket, you may recall Captain Peacock. That is what I said in the first place.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Nearly right, Sir, yes. But what they're trying to explain, Sir, is that, erm... and coming from Hardware, you would not be aware of this, but there is a method used, and I disapprove of it myself, Sir. There is a method used to enlarge the arm holes of jackets, and the method used is to knee the jacket... with a K.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I am aware of how you spell jacket, Captain Peacock.

Captain Stephen Peacock: [demonstrating how to knee a jacket to loosen the stitches] Now then, Sir. If you will er, listen carefully. I take the jacket so... and I pull so.
[knees the jacket]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I can't hear any stitches go.
Mr. Humphries: Perhaps it's already been done.
Captain Stephen Peacock: What makes you say that?
Mr. Humphries: Well, I sold it to you.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: At the moment, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to Mr. Grainger, and he, on his part, also made a complaint about the view of the ladies' fitting room from his department.
Mrs. Slocombe: What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as broad-minded as we are.

Mrs. Slocombe: [seductively on the phone] Hello, Captain Peacock. This is Sexy Knickers.
Captain Stephen Peacock: [on the phone] Would you mind repeating that?
Mrs. Slocombe: This is Sexy Knickers.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That's what I thought you said. I beg your pardon, but am I speaking to a customer?
Mrs. Slocombe: [sly laugh] Naughty boy. Customer, indeed? Now, I'm not promising you anything, but I'll meet you outside at five thirty.
Captain Stephen Peacock: How shall I know you?
Mrs. Slocombe: [in her normal voice] What do you mean, how shall you know me? You sent me the note.
Captain Stephen Peacock: To whom am I speaking?
Mrs. Slocombe: Do you mean you really don't know?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I have no idea.
Mrs. Slocombe: Thank heaven for that.
[hangs up the phone]

Captain Stephen Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Is Mr. Lucas free?
Mr. Humphries: I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to Mr. Grainger, and he, on his part, also made a complaint about the view of the ladies' fitting from his department.
Mrs. Slocombe: What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?

Captain Stephen Peacock: Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written, "Dear sexy knickers, I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half past five and we'll get it together." Now, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each of you if you wrote this note. Mr. Grainger, did you write it?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I don't even understand it.
Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger wouldn't say "dear sexy knickers." You'd say "dear sexy bloomers," wouldn't you?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I very much doubt it.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?
Mr. Humphries: No. But thanks for the compliment.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, in view of those two denials, I can only come to one conclusion.
Mr. Dick Lucas: [laughing nervously] Shall I leave now, or work till five-thirty?


"Are You Being Served?: Our Figures Are Slipping (#1.2)" (1973)
Mrs. Slocombe: Good morning, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Eight fifty-eight.
[hands her a pencil to sign in]
Mrs. Slocombe: As departmental head of ladies' ready-mades, I hardly think it necessary for me to clock in like a char.

Captain Stephen Peacock: What has happened to Miss Brahms?
Mrs. Slocombe: She isn't late, she's powdering her nose.
Captain Stephen Peacock: She ought to sign in first.
Mrs. Slocombe: It was very urgent that she powdered it when she did. And I gave her permission so to do.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Signing in at work] Good morning Captain Peacock.
[Looks at his watch]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Eight fifty-nine and ten... ten seconds, yes. I would have been here at eight fifty-eight, but I caught my hand bag in the lift.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Hand bag?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, it's Miss Brahms' actually. She left it on the stairs. She must have been in rather a hurry. Besides, I wouldn't be seen dead with imitation crocodile, not with these shoes anyway.

Miss Brahms: Sorry I'm late, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That's all right, Miss Brahms.
Mr. Lucas: Oh, it's all right for her, is it?
Captain Stephen Peacock: She has been powdering her nose.
Mr. Lucas: Well, why is it so shiny then?

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger, would you step this way please, if you're free.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm... I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Free, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Lucas: Oh, very free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Step this way.

Captain Stephen Peacock: On the chest of a barmaid from Sale, Was tattooed all the prices of ale. Whilst on her behind, for the sake of the blind, was precisely the same, but in Braille.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger, are you free?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, yes, yes, I'm free...

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Mr. Grainger is snoring on his chair] Poor old soul, he's been on his feet all day. He probably goes to sleep about this time on the train.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Rumbold: Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms: Mr. Grainger?
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms! Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms: Baldy?
Mr. Rumbold: One hesitates to lay hands on him. Still...
Mr. Lucas: Oh no, no, no. I wouldn't if I were you, Mr, Rumbold. No, no. Just think. Sudden shock, heart attack, kicks the bucket. News Of The World: "Aged Worker Dies At Hands Of Overseer". That wouldn't look good for Grace Brothers.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Excuse me, Captain Peacock. I think I know what to do.
[coughs]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, do you feel like having cocoa and buns, now?
Mrs. Slocombe: I never feel like having cocoa and buns. If I'd known the firm was going to be so stingy, I'd have gone out and had a Wimpy cheeseburger.
Mr. Rumbold: I believe there's some cheese in the buns.
Miss Brahms: I don't like cheese.
Mr. Lucas: There's not very much cheese in the buns.

Mr. Rumbold: That was a very smart bit of selling, Mr. Lucas. You see, the smile does the trick.
Mr. Lucas: Oh, it does indeed, Mr. Rumbold, yes.
Mr. Rumbold: You obviously know your stock very well. Even I was unaware we had a vicuna coat.
Captain Stephen Peacock: We haven't. Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace his own coat.
Mr. Rumbold: Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace, Mr. Lucas's coat?
Captain Stephen Peacock: No... Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace, Mr. Grace's coat.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I hope your cat won't suffer unduly from its enforced confinement.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, it's not confined. It's shut up.


"Are You Being Served?: The Clock (#2.1)" (1974)
[Captain Peacock is reading the list of possible entrees for Mr. Grainger's anniversary dinner and voting on what to have for dinner]
Captain Peacock: Now, roast pheasant would be two pounds per head. Poule rôti...
Miss Brahms: You what?
Captain Peacock: Roast chicken. One pound fifty. Steak pie, one pound twenty five. Or macaroni cheese, one pound.
Mr. Lucas: I vote for macaroni cheese.
Mrs. Slocombe: [later] We can't give the poor old soul a dinner with macaroni cheese!
Mr. Lucas: Well he'd prefer it. Once he gets those teeth of his stuck into a pheasant, he'd be here all night.
Mr. Humphries: If we have the canteen steak pie, we'll all be here all night.
Miss Brahms: I'll go for the macaroni cheese, meself.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I think we should give him the chicken.
Captain Peacock: Any other votes for chicken?
Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'll go for chicken. It goes so well with the cabinet pudding and simulated cream.
Captain Peacock: Well, I... I favor chicken myself. So that's three votes for chicken, and two for macaroni cheese.
Mr. Humphries: And the steak pie loses its deposit.
Captain Peacock: So. ah... that means we have chicken. That will be ah... one pound fifty per head.

[first lines]
Captain Peacock: Can I help you, Sir?
The Check Jacket: Ah, yes. Would you show me some sports jackets, please?
Captain Peacock: I won't personally, Sir. But I'll summon our senior assistant to attend to your wishes. Mr. Grainger, are you free?
Mr. Grainger: Oh, yes, I'm free.

Captain Peacock: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Lucas: Err, yes, I think I am free at this precise moment, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock: [talking about the menu for Mr. Grainger's anniversary dinner] A main course, which I shall bring up later.
Mrs. Slocombe: Won't we all?

Captain Peacock: Now, as regards to dress, I think, err, black tie.
Mr. Humphries: What? And nothing else?

Mrs. Slocombe: [drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks at though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon.
Mr. Humphries: She wants you to rip her tight elastic.

Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock, Miss Brahms, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

[last lines]
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash, Mrs. Grainger: For he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.

Captain Peacock: [looking at the remains of the Pussy boots display model, which has just exploded] Mr. Mash, take it to the vet!

Captain Peacock: The group is coming up in the other lift.
Miss Brahms: Oh, good. Who've we got, the New Seekers?
[a group of older ladies holding string instruments emerges from the lift]
Mr. Lucas: I don't think it's the New Seekers, love. More like the Old Knockers.


"Are You Being Served?: The Think Tank (#2.3)" (1974)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Mash, in future I would like to wash the female dummies with a petticoat on.
Mr. Mash: Well, if you say so, Captain Peacock. Err... is it alright if I keep me socks on?

Captain Stephen Peacock: Oh, good morning, Mrs. Slocombe. Good morning, Miss Brahms.
[looks at his watch]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, just on the dot.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, I'm worn out to start with. I have stood standing in the bus all the way, and not one man offered me a seat.
Miss Shirley Brahms: You should do what I do. - Shove a shopping bag up your coat and stagger a bit.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That's the trouble with all you ladies. You want equality, but you're prepared to stand up for it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Ooh, you're very sharp today, aren't you?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Quite right, Captain Pecock. They're all the same these days. You take girls out and they all want equality until the waiter brings the bill.
Miss Shirley Brahms: That's because of what you want after the waiter's brought the bill.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, we don't get it, how many offer to split it down the middle?

Captain Stephen Peacock: After I came out of the army, I made a study of sales technique. Now, there was a theory that a moving display has more impact than a... than a static one.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] True.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, I suppose you mean we should have our trousers moving about more.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: How do we achieve that?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Couple of dozen pairs of electric legs.
[laughs]
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm being quite serious, Mr. Lucas.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, how does that affect my department?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, do we have lots of electric knickers jumping up and down on the counter?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Wouldn't that be very expensive?
Mr. Dick Lucas: You could have Mrs. Slocombe jumping up and down on the counter. That should make a big enough impact!
[laughs]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That's it. I am withdrawing to the canteen.

Captain Stephen Peacock: I mean a down to earth fashion show, where we demonstrate to the man in the street that we sell ordinary clothes that are well within the reach of his pocket.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: And what about the woman in the street?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Unisex!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I, I mean a show for both sexes. I don't think your idea for a men's fashion show would get us anywhere. But my idea for a... a unisex show seems very original.
Miss Shirley Brahms: But I thought unisex meant men and women in the same clothes.
Mr. Dick Lucas: It does!
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Does it? Perhaps I meant bisexual.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: No, I don't think you meant that, Mr. Rumbold.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Perhaps we should call it A Man And Woman's Fashion Parade.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Or better still, "Male And Female Modes On The Move". Yes, that's it. I don't think your idea for "A Man And Woman's Fashion Parade" would have any appeal at all, but my idea for "Male And Female Modes On The Move" has fantastic appeal. Agreed?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, yes, Mr. Rumbold, yes. What a pity you couldn't have thought of something like that, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Yes, well, it's up to me now, to get over the financial problem. If I run into any difficulties, we'll just have to have another session of the think tank.
Captain Stephen Peacock: In which we think and it all goes into your tank.

[last lines]
Young Mr. Grace: Well, goodbye, everybody.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe, Mr. Dick Lucas, Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Goodbye, Mr. Grace.
Young Mr. Grace: Goodbye. You've all done very well!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe, Mr. Dick Lucas, Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr. Grace: Whose idea was the fashion parade?
[Captain Peacock opens his mouth to speak]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Mine, sir!
Young Mr. Grace: Well, I think it's a rotten idea.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [chagrinned] Or was it mine?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, it was.


Are You Being Served? (1977)
Captain Stephen Peacock: I had a bit of bad news yesterday. Mrs. Peacock won't be accompanying us.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh yes?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Two lonely persons thrown together on a foreign shore. It could be quite romantic. We'll have to watch it, won't we?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Well, I intend on going to the discoes every night, so you'll have to watch it on your own.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [the staff just arrived at the hotel] Ring the bell, Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I hope you're not going to keep ordering me around. We are on holiday.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I'm sorry. Ring the bell, Stephen.

Conchita: Follow me, please.
[bends down to pick up luggage, and dress rides up so underwear saying "Ole!" is exposed]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, I look forward to seeing the pantyhoses, er, pentyhouses.

Captain Stephen Peacock: [Watching Mr Lucas trying to stuff a sandwich into his jacket pocket] How many times have I told you not to put food into your pockets?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Every time you've caught me, Captain Peacock!

Captain Stephen Peacock: Been taking a dip, Mr Humphries?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, I haven't been sitting in the cocktail bar with this lot on!

Captain Stephen Peacock: [Watching a procession of nuns] What a charming, old world sight.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Hey, you see the one at the back - I seem to recognise the walk!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [the last nun in the line, moving away from the others] Peace be with you, sisters!

Captain Stephen Peacock: [During the gun battle] Mr Lucus, remember you're up for a rise
Mr. Dick Lucas: I hope you remember that when the time comes!
Captain Stephen Peacock: I will - if you're still with us!


"Are You Being Served?: No Sale (#4.1)" (1976)
Captain Peacock: To your places, everybody. Mrs. Slocombe, uncover your bust, please.
Mrs. Slocombe: I beg your pardon, Captain Peacock!
Captain Peacock: Your counter bust, Mrs Slocombe. Were ready for business.

Captain Stephen Peacock: At least you're here on time, Mrs Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Time for what? We wont have any customers, y'know. And what it's doing to my domestic arrangements! Having a bath at six o'clock in the morning played havoc with my pussy!

Captain Peacock: [after Henry's wife has bitterly torn apart a ball gown] You'll have to pay for that, you know! You've just ruined a perfectly good dress!
Henry: You've just ruined a perfectly good marriage!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to Mr. Lucas] It's just like Crossroads, isn't it?

[Captain Peacock is informed of what Mr. Grainger said by the customer]
Captain Peacock: Mr. Grainger, did you tell this man he had a fat face, piggy eyes, and a pimple on his nose?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Do I look like the type of person who would say he's got a fat face piggy eyes and a pimple on his nose?

Mrs. Slocombe: [the lady in a hurry is trying on hats as fast as she can. Miss Brahms passes the lady a white hat to try on] This is the last one of these - it was a very exclusive line. Oh, that DOES suit madam.
[Miss Brahms passes her a light blue hat]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
[Miss Brahms passes her a dark blue hat]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
[Miss Brahms passes her a yellow hat]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
[Miss Brahms passes her the hat box lid by mistake]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
[the lady tries on the light blue hat again]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam...
Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, your needle's stuck in the groove!

Captain Peacock: Everything all right, sir?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, yes, yes, yes. I was just counting the customers.
Captain Peacock: Well, at the moment we have one there and one over there.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, good. I'll make a note of that. Carry on, Captain Peacock.
[Captain Peacock stays standing in the middle of the floor waiting on customers to ask him for help]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Carry on, Captain Peacock!
Captain Peacock: I am carrying on, sir. This is what I do.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Incredulous] All day?
Captain Peacock: All day.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I'll make a note of that as well!


"Are You Being Served?: German Week (#3.6)" (1975)
Mr. Grainger: This is a funny name for a sweater. "Mit der Hand gewaschen"?
Captain Stephen Peacock: That means "wash by hand".
Mr. Lucas: It's a good thing you parley the Deutsch, Capt. Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I had to study it during the war, you know.

Mr. Mash: "Ausfahrt."
Captain Stephen Peacock: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Mash: "Ausfahrt." What's that mean, then?
Captain Stephen Peacock: The way out, Mr. Mash, and I suggest you take that one, as we open in a few moments.

Miss Brahms: I'm not selling German sex knickers!
Captain Peacock: "Sex", Mrs. Slocombe, is the word they use in Germany for six.
Miss Brahms: Oh, and what do they use for sex?
Mr. Mash: Same as they use everywhere else.

[discussing the German signs]
Mrs. Slocombe: One dear old lady customer of mine got a terrible shock. She was caught short and walked straight through the door marked "Herren".
Captain Peacock: You should have directed her to the door marked "Damen".
Mrs. Slocombe: I didn't have time. She saw the word "Her" and was off!
Mr. Grainger: And I'm here to tell you that she won't make the same mistake again.

Captain Peacock: Let me say here and now that I am not going to dress up as Hitler!


"Are You Being Served?: Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend (#1.5)" (1973)
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I hope you won't mind my mentioning the fact but I, I left my purse behind on the wireless in the kitchen this morning.
Captain Stephen Peacock: No, I don't mind you mentioning it at all.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: No, well I was wondering if you could let me have the pound back which I lent you yesterday?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Of course, Mr. Grainger, I... Oh dear. I too, seem to have left my notecase in the study on top of the color television set.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, have you? I seem to remember that you did the same thing last Friday, Stephen.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, Ernest. Yes, it seems I'm, I'm getting rather forgetful.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, that's why I reminded you about the pound.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Miss Brahms...?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, I know, Captain Peacock. I'm late.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Not good enough, Miss Brahms. You are fifteen minutes late. What would happen if everybody else was fifteen minutes late?
Miss Shirley Brahms: The store would open at quarter past.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Don't be cheeky, Miss Brahms. Captain Peacock is quite within his rights to dress you down.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Have you an explanation?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes. It's Friday. I haven't got any money. And I couldn't afford the bus fare. I had to hitchhike.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well you should have left home earlier.
Miss Shirley Brahms: I did. I stood on the corner, and lifted my skirt and showed a bit of stocking like Marilyn Monroe did in "Bus Stop".
Captain Stephen Peacock: What happened?
Miss Shirley Brahms: The bus crashed and I had to make a statement.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: The same thing happened to me once, with a Centurion tank.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Were you trying to stop it, Mrs. Slocombe, or were you driving it?

Captain Stephen Peacock: Only a woman with your persuasive tongue, Mrs. Slocombe, could unload a forty four long on to a thirty six short.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] Yes, we're free.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Check these please.
[hands them their pay slips]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger, are you free?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: At the moment... Thank you.

Captain Stephen Peacock: How much is the reward, sir?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I beg your pardon?
Captain Stephen Peacock: How much is the reward?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: How... how much is the reward?...
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Erm... 75 pounds! How does that sound?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Very convincing, Sir.
[to Mr. Humphries]
Mr. Dick Lucas: The old chiseller's trying to do us out of twenty five quid.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's his ears you know. When they're low set, like that, it means they've got criminal instincts.


"Are You Being Served?: Pilot (#1.0)" (1972)
Captain Stephen Peacock: [to Mrs. Slocombe] With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh... Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Neither would I.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, it's like this, Captain Peacock. When I agreed to move my department down here, I understood that I was to have proper display facilities. Well, I've just asked... very politely asked Mr. Grainger, to accommodate me on the centre stand, and he as good as told me to get stuffed.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That doesn't sound like our Mr. Grainger.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Those weren't his exact words, but that's what he implied.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, ah, what did you expect me to do, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, I thought that as you were in command here, you'd tell him where he got off.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, erm, you must understand, Mrs. Slocombe...
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, come now... Betty.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Betty. As I was saying, you must understand, Mrs. Slocombe, that Mr. Grainger has been here a very, very long time.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Then it's time he went.
Captain Stephen Peacock: It's hardly your place to decide that.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: You mean, you're just going to stand there, and let him walk all over me?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I don't think there's much danger of that.
[laughs]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: What are you going to do?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I shall go and have a word with him, and, and hear his side of it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: But I told you his side of it.
Captain Stephen Peacock: You must leave me to me, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Very well, Captain Peacock.

Captain Stephen Peacock: If you're free, Mr. Grainger, I'd like a word.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh yes, I, I think I'm free.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, if you're free. Miss Brahms, gather round. Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Dick Lucas: [looks about him] I'm free.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Come a little closer, we don't want the customer's to hear.
Mr. Dick Lucas: You'd have to shout.


"Are You Being Served?: Camping In (#1.3)" (1973)
Mr. Lucas: [about Mr. Grainger] Hello, Churchill's having one of his catnaps again. Somebody better wake him up. It's time to go to bed.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [waking up] Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe? Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, what is Miss Brahms doing in that tent?
Mrs. Slocombe: Knowing you, I'm surprised you haven't looked.
Miss Brahms: He has and I was putting on me pajamas.
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock!
Captain Stephen Peacock: The point is, Mrs. Slocombe, that this large tent is for yourself and Miss Brahms.
Mrs. Slocombe: There's going to be no one in my boudoir when I blow out the candle.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I have no other accommodation. Where am I supposed to bivouac?
Mrs. Slocombe: I don't care, whack. It's nothing to do with me.

Captain Stephen Peacock: I was trying to get Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe together in the same tent.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: What, all three of you?
Captain Stephen Peacock: No, Sir. I don't want to share with the ladies.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Ah good.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I want to share with you.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Oh, yes, it brought back memories of the army. The lads, the heat, the sunset and the endless shifting sands.
Mr. Lucas: How long were you at Bognor Regis, Captain Peacock?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Lucas, when you were at school, I was with some of the toughest soldiers in the world, chasing Rommel through the desert.
Mr. Humphries: Some people have all the luck.


"Are You Being Served?: Shoulder to Shoulder (#3.7)" (1975)
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, Miss Thorpe, where's the maintenance file?
Miss Thorpe: You mean the one marked 'Decoration'?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Yes.
Miss Thorpe: I filed it yesterday under 'A'.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Under 'A'?
Miss Thorpe: Yes, I file most things under 'A'.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I don't quite follow.
Miss Thorpe: Well, A letter, A sales report, A customer's complaint.
Captain Stephen Peacock: A difficult way of finding anything.

[Captain Peacock beckons Mrs. Slocombe with a wave]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I do not respond to waves.
Miss Shirley Brahms: What about that man you met on your holiday?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, that was different; he was waving from his yacht!
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Comes over] Didn't you see me signal to summon you?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, is that what it was? We thought you had a fly buzzing round your hooter!

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Lucas, you are not indispensable. There are many young men who would bend over backwards to get into Grace Brothers.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That's one of the qualifications.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [on the phone] Well, will you find Captain Peacock and tell him he's wanted urgently on the phone?
Captain Stephen Peacock: [walking in] Oh, thank you, sir. I'll take it here, if you don't mind.
[takes the phone from Rumbold's hand]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Captain Peacock here, I understand you have an urgent telephone call for me.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: It's me!
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm sorry, sir, I understood you to say it was for me.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: It *was* for you!
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, I see no reason why I shouldn't take an urgent telephone call. I mean, it might have been from my wi...
[Peacock sees Rumboldt's young, attractive secretary]
Captain Stephen Peacock: My... my mother.


"Are You Being Served?: Fire Practice (#4.4)" (1976)
Captain Peacock: Mr. Harman, don't procrastinate!
Mr. Beverley Harman: I shall look that up! And if it ain't very polite, I shall come back and call you a very long word meaning "Twit!"

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Mr. Lucas. How would you like to rescue Mrs. Slocombe?
Mr. Dick Lucas: [Scowling] Is that an order?
Captain Peacock: Yes. Now, Mrs. Slocombe, remember to relax and let your body go.
Mr. Dick Lucas: From the look of it, she already has.

[the Emir and his party are holding up their right hands]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: What's going on?
Captain Peacock: I'm afraid it's you, sir. The sign they're giving is that to ward off the evil eye.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Good heavens, surely I haven't got an evil eye, have I?
The Emir's Chief Assistant: No, haja, you have evil ear.

The Emir's Chief Assistant: The Emir wishes his wives to look like European women. Can you show us models?
Captain Peacock: Well, I'm afraid we don't have "models" here, but I can show you two typical European women. Mrs. Slocome, Miss Brahms, forward please.
Mrs. Slocombe: [Mrs. Slocombe steps forward and bows] Salaam.
Miss Shirley Brahms: [Miss Brahms does the same] Salami.


"Are You Being Served?: Oh What a Tangled Web (#4.6)" (1976)
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Captain Peacock has arrived very late to work after an alleged affair with Mr. Rumbold's secretary] Good morning, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh, good morning, Captain Peacock!
Captain Stephen Peacock: Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Good *afternoon,* Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, I am a bit late. There's a reason, of course.
Mr. James: Yes, and here it comes.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to the camera] And the next object is: a lie. A lie.

Captain Stephen Peacock: I sat behind the wheel all night, trying to think what to say...
[stands]
Captain Stephen Peacock: to the woman I love.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Why not, "Jump in the front for a quick cuddle?"
Captain Stephen Peacock: Foolishly, I asked Mr. Rumbold to perjure himself. Quite correctly, he refused so to do. For, after all, when the final account is balanced up in the Book of Life, we are men of integrity. What I've said is true, and I swear it, as a God-fearing man, and an ex-officer of the Royal Army Service Corps.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [after applause from the department, Mr. Rumbold stands] Mrs. Peacock, if ever I've heard the truth from the lips of a man, then I've heard it today. I'm sure you can doubt your husband no longer.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to Mr. Grainger] I didn't think people talked like this anymore!

Mr. Dick Lucas: Everything all right, Captain Peacock?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, yes, up to a point.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Was Mr. Rumbold helpful?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Let's put it this way - if one were drowning, Mr. Rumbold would be the first to hold out an electric cow prod.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Did you or did you not spend the night with Captain Peacock?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I object. Now, "spend the night" has many connotations. One can spend the night quite innocently in someone's company. If you mean, did she have an affair with me, then say so.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, very well. Did you have an affair with Captain Peacock?
Miss Monica Hazlewood: Certainly not!
Captain Stephen Peacock: Thank you.
Miss Monica Hazlewood: Why, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. It's absurd. Ugh... it's unthinkable!
Captain Stephen Peacock: [indignant] You've made your point, Miss Hazelwood. A plain "no" would have been quite sufficient.


"Are You Being Served?: The Old Order Changes (#5.4)" (1977)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Peace, man.
The Afro Pants: Love.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That as well.
The Afro Pants: Do you have trousers?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Far as the eye can see.
The Afro Pants: Then pant me, man.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Clayborne?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: You called, Stevie baby?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Strides for the omi with the naff riah.

[discussing the new informal policy of the store]
Mr. Rumbold: Um, what do you think?
Captain Peacock: I was dubious at first but I can see the advantage of being able to speak one's mind and get things off one's chest without fear of upsetting anybody.
Mr. Rumbold: I'm so glad you feel that way, Stephen, because there's something I've been wanting to say to you all day.
Captain Peacock: Oh really, Cuthbert, what's that?
Mr. Rumbold: Get stuffed.

Captain Peacock: On Saturday, two customers complained that they had difficulty breathing because of your aftershave lotion.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It wasn't aftershave, it was my new skin tightener. It really works wonders. You should see the commercial they do for it. It shows a prune being turned back into a plum.
Captain Peacock: It is my experience after more than 30 years in the distributive trades that customers place more trust in an honest prune than someone trying desperately to look like Donny Osmond! Now get back behind your counter.


"Are You Being Served?: Christmas Crackers (#3.9)" (1975)
[to an uncooperative Mr. Mash]
Captain Stephen Peacock: That militant attitude is not part of the Christmas spirit!

Captain Stephen Peacock: We can't burst into song every time the lift opens.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: What a pity; I was looking forward to being a counter tenor.

[Everyone sings a song 'Christmas time is here"]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Holly, mistletoe, big fir trees And once again a splendid reason To celebrate the festive season, Christmas time is here!
Mr. Mash: I've knocked up a land enchanted, Christmas trees freshly planted. And the reason for my smile- The overtime made it worthwhile!
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I, although a senior member, Get lightheaded in November.
Mr. Lucas: That's why he's dressed up as an egg, And I've lost half my inside leg.
Mrs. Slocombe: Speaking on behalf of blouses, It's rather drafty 'round the houses.
Miss Shirley Brahms: That must be why I saw you shiver.
Captain Stephen Peacock: You should have worn a bigger quiver!
[all sing chorus]
Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Even we so far above you At Christmas time just want to love you.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I, after all, must be a sport.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I trust I shan't be taken short.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Mr. Humphries looks so charming.
Mrs. Slocombe: It's his smile that's so disarming.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: How kind! But if I were a prince I'd still like Christmas pud and mince.
[all sing chorus]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Young Mr. Grace is brought in]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Young Mr. Grace!
Mrs. Slocombe: And there's the bell!
Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Mash, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Sit down, sir; you've done very well! We're so happy with our grotto
Mr. Mash: Here's a bottle. Let's get blotto!


"Are You Being Served?: Mrs. Slocombe Expects (#5.1)" (1977)
[the staff have come in late for an early meeting]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I demand an explanation!
Captain Stephen Peacock: As to why I have 2 inches of snow on my hat?
Miss Shirley Brahms: We've been stood outside in the snow for 20 minutes because some stupid *twit* didn't tell security we was coming in!
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [realizing he's at fault] Ah!

Captain Peacock: [ordering Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas to get dressed and pretend to be customers] Oh, and you don't have to use your own clothes, you can pick up something from the stockroom.
[pause]
Captain Peacock: The gents' stockroom, Mr. Humphries.
[walks across to the women's counter]
Captain Peacock: Is Miss Brahms ready yet?
Mrs. Slocombe: I'll just call her.
[Turns towards the fitting rooms]
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms?
[Miss Brahms enters in a low-cut and short-skirted dress, while Mr Humphries and Mr Lucas give a vocal rendition of "The Stripper"]
Captain Peacock: Miss Brahms, you're supposed to be buying, not selling!

Captain Stephen Peacock: [Watching Mr Humphries enter dressed as a motorcyclist] The face eludes me, but I recognise the walk
[Lifts the tinted visor on the helmet]
Mr. Humphries: I'm glad you did that - I was starting to run out of oxygen!


"Are You Being Served?: Hoorah for the Holidays (#2.5)" (1974)
Mr. Rumbold: [describing possible locations for the staff holiday] "Belly-dancing and sword-swallowing are a nightly attraction for the diners as they sit, cross-legged, on their jhibos, toying with their couscous
[to Mr. Humphries]
Mr. Rumbold: I think a jhibo must be some sort of cushion!
Mr. Humphries: I was going to ask you about that.
Mr. Grainger: What exactly is a couscous?
Captain Peacock: It's a... It's an Arabic, sagoey sort of dish. You eat it with the cut-off ear of a sheep.
Mr. Grainger: Eurgh!
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I'm not sitting on my jhibo in a Foreign Legion fort, toying with me couscous. Not even with a knife and fork!
Mr. Rumbold: I thought it sounded rather fun.

Miss Shirley Brahms: My boyfriend wanted me to go on one of those adventure holiday trips with him.
Captain Peacock: That would have been very exciting. Where were you going? India?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Well, we never got that far, because when I said I wanted separate sleeping bags, he went off the idea.

[last lines]
Young Mr. Grace: Oh, yes, there's just one thing. - The decorators cant make August, so you'll have to take the last two weeks in November.
Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Rumbold, Captain Peacock, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Mash: November?
Captain Peacock: Where can you go in November? It's out of season!
Mr. Grainger: Oh, no, it's alright. You can all come and stay at Mrs. Featherstone's. I have a photograph here.
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, there's one consolation. - If we all go to Mrs. Featherstone's, we won't have to go forty miles to find a pot there.


"Are You Being Served?: Big Brother (#2.4)" (1974)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, have you the time?
Mr. Humphries: It depends on what you have in mind, Captain Peacock.

Captain Stephen Peacock: [Mash walks by wearing a suit instead of his work uniform, pushing a cart of dresses] Mr. Mash!
Mr. Mash: Yes, Captain?
Captain Stephen Peacock: You are not supposed to be on the floor after 9:30.
Mr. Mash: Yeah, well, I was putting me best suit on, you see, sir. You gotta look good for the telly, ain't ya?
[Looks around]
Mr. Mash: Where's the camera, then?
Captain Stephen Peacock: [to the CCTV camera with a dramatic gesture, because he knows Mr. Rumbold's watching them] Be off with you, Mr. Mash! I don't want to have to tell you again!
Mr. Mash: I like that! That was very good!
[Imitates him]
Mr. Mash: "Be off with you!"
[Normal voice]
Mr. Mash: Here, you wanna do it once more in case he missed it? Sort of an action replay, you know.
[nudges him]
Mr. Mash: Go on, go on, go on, go on!
Captain Stephen Peacock: [to the camera] Please leave the floor!
Mr. Mash: [Salutes. To the camera] Certainly, Captain Peacock!
[tries to hurry off the floor before he gets in trouble and knocks a display over with the cart]
Captain Stephen Peacock: [to the camera] NOW look what Mr. Mash has done!

Mrs. Slocombe: [Everyone is hesitating to confront the suspicious-looking man] Oh, you're as weak as water! WEAK AS WATER!
[Marches over, display bust in hand]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Be careful!
Mrs. Slocombe: Hey, you!
[Smashes it over the man's head and he falls to the floor]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, his mustache has come off...
Miss Shirley Brahms: [Sees who was under the false hair] Oh! It's the store detective!
Captain Stephen Peacock: [addresses the CCTV camera] I did advise caution!


"Are You Being Served?: The Apartment (#7.3)" (1979)
[Mr Lucas is getting into a spare bed with Captain Peacock]
Captain Peacock: Humphries?
Mr. Lucas: Lucas.
Captain Peacock: Thank Heaven for that.

[Mrs Slocombe is in the middle of moving house and has had to bring her cat and budgie to work]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs Slocombe, there is a strict rule that staff may not bring pets to the store!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, y'know how clumsy those removal men are. I'm not having them handling my pussy!


"Are You Being Served?: A Bliss Girl (#6.5)" (1978)
[summarizing the exchange between Captain Peacock and Mrs. Slocombe]
Mr. Rumbold: Now, let's start again. You put your finger up Mrs. Slocombe's nose, causing her to snort in a sort of "pp-ppbt" fashion.
[Captain Peacock rolls his eyes]
Mr. Rumbold: Then, logically, she would put up two fingers to protect her nose from your probing digit!
[Mrs. Slocombe stares blankly]
Mr. Rumbold: This, in turn, Mr. Humphries misinterpreted as a request for him to save her two seats in the canteen.
[Mr. Humphries frowns in distress]
Mr. Rumbold: Have you anything else written down in your book that you would like me to clarify?
Captain Stephen Peacock: "Not on your nellie."
Mr. Rumbold: Oh well. If that's it, there's no more to be said. Rather a waste of time, really.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes indeed, sir.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe.
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Signals with his finger for Mrs. Slocombe to come over to him]
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock! I do not respond to any man's finger!
Mr. Humphries: I used to have an aunt that said that. A maiden aunt.


"Are You Being Served?: A Personal Problem (#8.2)" (1981)
Captain Stephen Peacock: [as Mrs. Slocombe climbs out a window onto a ledge 40 feet above the street] Whatever you do, don't look down!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I'm more worried about people looking up!

Mrs. Peacock: [marital discord between the Peacocks has resulted in Captain Peacock being stranded on a window ledge 40 floors up] Do you still love me?
Captain Stephen Peacock: What do you think I'm doing out here, you silly bitch?


Beane's of Boston (1979) (TV)
Mae Slocombe: I'm not selling German sex panties.
John Peacock: Sexe, misses Slocombe, is the word they use for six in German.
Shirley Brahms: What do they use for sex?
John Peacock: The same as they use here.

Frank Beane: I think we oughta have more of a German atmosphere.
John Peacock: Well, there must be some barbed wire in the hardware department.


"Are You Being Served?: Friends and Neighbours (#10.6)" (1985)
Captain Peacock: [after suggesting sharing a flat on the top floor of Grace Brothers with Miss Belfridge] Going up here, just relaxing, it could regenerate one!
Mrs. Slocombe: [smirks at Miss Brahms] It could even regenerate two.

Captain Peacock: [Cedric and his mother walk out of the lift] Good morning, madam. Are you being served?
[Cedric shoots him in the face with a water gun]
Lady Customer: [turns to Captain Peacock] I'm so sorry - it's his birthday.


"Are You Being Served?: Sit Out (#8.4)" (1981)
Captain Peacock: [staff are doing crosswords] I'm on a very difficult one in The Times. Two words, 'a' and 'p': "Found in an ancient Greek bath."
Mrs. Slocombe: "Ancient Greek bath." 'A' and 'p'. It's on the tip of my tongue.
[pause]
Mrs. Slocombe: I've got it: A plughole!
Miss Brahms: [rolls eyes] Archimedes' Principle.
Captain Peacock: [surprised] I wasn't aware that you were acquainted with Ancient Greece, Miss Brahms.
Miss Brahms: I'm not. I read it on a matchbox.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Instructing Mrs. Slocombe during a sales exercise in which she and Capt. Peacock play a married couple shopping at the store] Remember, you are a typical suburban married couple.
Captain Peacock: [Annoyed] I object to that word, "suburban."
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, how would you describe yourself?
Captain Peacock: Upper middle class.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Have you got two bathrooms in your house?
Captain Peacock: No.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Have you got gnomes in your garden?
Captain Peacock: A couple of very small ones.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Are you within walking distance of a Metropolitan Line station?
Captain Peacock: Yes.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: You're suburban.


"Are You Being Served?: The Hand of Fate (#3.1)" (1975)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Are you free, Captain Peacock?
Captain Stephen Peacock: At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, it's like this, Stephen. If you do take over from Mr. Rumbold, that would leave your position here vacant, would it not?
Captain Stephen Peacock: That is true, yes.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: And I am sure you will take over, because with your military background and your big forefinger, you're born to lead.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, I suppose advancement was inevitable.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: And I suppose it will be up to you to recommend someone to take your place.
Captain Stephen Peacock: No doubt it will.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, I think that it's time that we had a change of sex on the floor.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Do I understand that you're recommending Mr. Humphries?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [laughs] No, no, no, no, no. I'm recommending me.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Just a moment, Mr. Grainger.
[pauses]
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm free, now.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I'm delighted to hear of the possibility of your promotion, Stephen.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Thank you, Ernest.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well deserved.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Inevitable, I should've said.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: We've known each other for many years, Stephen.
Captain Stephen Peacock: You're one of my closest... acquaintances, Ernest.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, it's very nice of you to say that. I... I take it that you will be recommending me?
Captain Stephen Peacock: In what capacity?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: For your job, of course.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I, er... I rather doubt it.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Doubt it? Why?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I think it needs a... a younger man to cope with it.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Cope? Cope? Cope with what? All you do is just stand there with your nose in the air and say, "Are you free, Mr. Grainger?".


"Are You Being Served?: Up Captain Peacock (#3.3)" (1975)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I'm just pricing my ties, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: The gentleman wishes to try on a dress.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I'm free!
The Dress: It's for a fancy dress party.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh yes. That's what they all say!


"Are You Being Served?: Roots? (#8.8)" (1981)
Miss Brahms: [walks onto the floor with Mrs. Slocombe, carrying candles because the lights are out] We spent 10p for these candles, and we still couldn't find the ladies' room.
Mr. Beverley Harman: Why don't you pop down to Pets? They've got a special offer on kitty litter.
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you going to just stand there and let me be insulted?
Captain Peacock: This seems as good a place as any.
[Mr. Spooner walks in with a handheld, non-electric lamp]
Captain Peacock: Oh, that's better.
Mr. Bert Spooner: I had to kiss three girls in Camping to get this.
Miss Brahms: But there's only two girls in Camping, and a man with a beard!
Mr. Bert Spooner: So I found out when I lit the lamp.


"Are You Being Served?: Forward Mr. Grainger (#4.3)" (1976)
Mr. Grainger: [smoking an expensive cigar] Do you smoke?
Captain Peacock: Yes, indeed!
Mr. Grainger: Have a cigarette.


"Are You Being Served?: Cold Store (#3.4)" (1975)
[Mr. Grainger has spent the entire morning rushing off to the toilet because of "gastric distress." He returns from the toilet to find Miss Brahms in the Men's Department, and is unaware that she has been assigned there]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Humphries: Yes, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Send that girl back to her own department.
Mr. Humphries: She's been seconded to us, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Been what?
Mr. Humphries: Placed here at Captain Peacock's request.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, we'll soon see about that! Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Looks around] At present, yes.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Could I have a word with you?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, what is it?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, I have a very serious complaint.
[Grimaces]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, damn...
[Runs off to the toilet]
Captain Stephen Peacock: It doesn't appear to be getting any better!


"Are You Being Served?: Front Page Story (#8.3)" (1981)
Captain Peacock: [Mrs. Slocombe, dressed in a black basque, has entered the store beauty contest, for which Captain Peacock is offering commentary] Would you tell us your name, position, and what planet you come from?


"Are You Being Served?: Top Hat and Tails (#4.2)" (1976)
Mr. Rumbold: Dancing so well and playing the piano as you do, I'm quite surprised to find you working in a store.
Captain Peacock: Playing the piano as you do, I'm not at all surprised to find you working in a store.


"Are You Being Served?: The Father Christmas Affair (#4.7)" (1976)
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Mrs. Slocombe is dressed as Father Christmas] What are you playing at, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I'm not playing at nothing! Only I would ask you to remember that Parliament has passed the Sexual Relations Act, which states that women are just as good at it as men! And, what's more, they should be paid the same for doing it!
Captain Stephen Peacock: What exactly are you suggesting, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That I should be allowed to have a go at Father Christmas.


"Are You Being Served?: The Punch and Judy Affair (#7.8)" (1979)
Captain Stephen Peacock: [discussing Mrs Slocombe as a policeman in the play] I think that Mrs Slocombe should also remove her lipstick. I mean, who's ever seen a policeman wearing lipstick?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I have. Mind you, the circumstances were entirely different.


"Are You Being Served?: Do You Take This Man? (#6.3)" (1978)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe is going to get married!
Mr. Percival Tebbs: Has she been advertising again?
Miss Shirley Brahms: He got her with his bazooka.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, she's a big enough target.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [irritated] BouzouKI, Miss Brahms.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Ooh yeah, he's a Greek banjo player!


"Are You Being Served?: Goodbye Mr. Grainger (#5.6)" (1977)
[Mr. Grainger has just apologized for his rude behaviour towards the staff]
Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Our colleague has just uttered the most difficult words in the English language: I'm sorry.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it's his own fault.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That's what makes it so difficult.
Mrs. Slocombe: You know, it's the sort of thing that saints do. I wonder if he's had some spiritual awakening. You know, it's the sort of thing that happened to Saint Joan when them soldiers lit them faggots under her feet.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That was enough to make anybody sit up and take notice!


"Are You Being Served?: Happy Returns (#6.6)" (1978)
Captain Peacock: [at a dress rehearsal for a children's play] Why has Little Boy Blue got a plastic mac on?
Mr. Lucas: [flushed with embarrassment] Because Little Boy Blue's tights are too tight! And his smock is too short! In fact, Little Boy Blue is seriously considering handing in his horn!


"Are You Being Served?: A Change Is as Good as a Rest (#5.2)" (1977)
Captain Peacock: In this area we have the mechanical cuddlies
Mrs. Slocombe: But they're all dogs. Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?
Captain Peacock: I am told that people prefer the real thing.