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"Are You Being Served?: The Clock (#2.1)" (1974)
[Captain Peacock is reading the list of possible entrees for Mr. Grainger's anniversary dinner and voting on what to have for dinner]
Captain Peacock: Now, roast pheasant would be two pounds per head. Poule rôti...
Miss Brahms: You what?
Captain Peacock: Roast chicken. One pound fifty. Steak pie, one pound twenty five. Or macaroni cheese, one pound.
Mr. Lucas: I vote for macaroni cheese.
Mrs. Slocombe: [later] We can't give the poor old soul a dinner with macaroni cheese!
Mr. Lucas: Well he'd prefer it. Once he gets those teeth of his stuck into a pheasant, he'd be here all night.
Mr. Humphries: If we have the canteen steak pie, we'll all be here all night.
Miss Brahms: I'll go for the macaroni cheese, meself.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I think we should give him the chicken.
Captain Peacock: Any other votes for chicken?
Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'll go for chicken. It goes so well with the cabinet pudding and simulated cream.
Captain Peacock: Well, I... I favor chicken myself. So that's three votes for chicken, and two for macaroni cheese.
Mr. Humphries: And the steak pie loses its deposit.
Captain Peacock: So. ah... that means we have chicken. That will be ah... one pound fifty per head.

Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger, whatever's the matter? You look as though you've seen a ghost.
Mr. Grainger: I... I heard the cuckoo in Mr. Rumbold's office.
Mr. Lucas: What, third of March? You'd better write a letter to The Times.
Mr. Grainger: It was a cuckoo clock!
Mr. Humphries: Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas: Glass of water coming up.

Mr. Grainger: Yes, I would think a forty four. Wouldn't you Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Certainly, Mr. Grainger. A forty four. Don't you think so, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: I hope so, we haven't got anything bigger.

Mr. Grainger: Yes, err, this range is in pushcon, isn't it, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Right first time, Mr. Grainger. Thirty five percent wool, thirty five percent pushcon.
The Check Jacket: Well, that only makes seventy percent.
Mr. Humphries: Yes, well, there's a lot of air between the fibers, Sir. Allows the fabric to breathe. Isn't that right, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: Quite right, Mr. Humphries. If you listen quietly, you can hear it, you know.
Mr. Humphries: Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas: We've got a whole cupboard full over there, panting for breath.

Mr. Grainger: What do you think, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Well, it's err... nice and snug at the front.
Mr. Grainger: It's very snug indeed.
Mr. Humphries: Why don't you have a look at the back?
Mr. Lucas: Yes, I'm sure the back is snug as well.

Captain Peacock: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Lucas: Err, yes, I think I am free at this precise moment, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Lucas: Never mind, Shirley. You and me can share the wishbone.
Mr. Humphries: I know what you're going to wish for.
Miss Brahms: And even if he wins, he won't get it!

Captain Peacock: Now, as regards to dress, I think, err, black tie.
Mr. Humphries: What? And nothing else?

Mr. Humphries: [in deep voice] Menswear...
[to Mr. Grainger]
Mr. Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Grainger: Yes, I'm free.
Mr. Humphries: You're wanted in Mr. Rumbold's office.

Mrs. Slocombe: [drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks at though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon.
Mr. Humphries: She wants you to rip her tight elastic.

Mr. Grainger: [to Mrs. Grainger] They've got an orchestra. Mr. Fredericks didn't have an orchestra. Perhaps we'll be able to do the Gay Gordons.
Mr. Humphries: That should round the evening off nicely.

Mr. Humphries: You know what they say about vodka, Mrs Slocombe? One's all right, two's the most, three, under the table, four, under the host.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh! Oh, Mr. Humphries, what will you say next?
Mr. Humphries: Mr. Rumbold's the host.

Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock, Miss Brahms, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

[last lines]
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash, Mrs. Grainger: For he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.


"Are You Being Served?: Dear Sexy Knickers... (#1.1)" (1973)
[Captain Peacock is reading out a saucy letter sent accidentally by one of them to Mrs Slocombe]
Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger wouldn't say, "Dear Sexy Knickers." He'd say "Dear Sexy Bloomers." Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I very much doubt it.

Mr. Humphries: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock: [looks about him] Yes, I'm free.

The 40" Waist: Aren't the sleeves a bit long?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: No, I think those will ride up with wear, Sir. Don't you agree, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: They'll definitely ride up, Mr. Granger.

The 40" Waist: [trying on a new shirt] It seems to be shorter at the front, than at the back.
Mr. Humphries: Ah, that's because you're standing upright, Sir. One does tend to do that when one is trying on new garments.
The 40" Waist: Really?
Mr. Humphries: Oh, yes, Sir. Yes. You see, if I stand upright like this, well, I'm up at the front, aren't I Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: You certainly are, Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Humphries: [to Mr. Lucas] Don't let Peacock see you fraternizing over there. Otherwise, you'll get the rough edge of his tongue, and I can tell you it isn't very pleasant.

Mr. Dick Lucas: I am about to find the 'other' pair of trousers.
[as he knees the trousers, he tears a hole through them]
Mr. Humphries: We don't knee trousers, Mr. Lucas.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Humphries: [looks about him] Yes, at the moment.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Ask Mr. Grainger, if he's free, to step this way.
Mr. Humphries: Excuse me. Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [looks about him] Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Do you encourage your assistants to try to stretch trousers when they don't fit?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Most certainly not. Do we, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Certainly not, Mr. Grainger. We give them the same pair back, and say we found a larger size.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Lucas, but do I understand that you got Mrs. Slocombe into trouble in the lift yesterday, and you had an affair with her this morning in her department?
Mr. Dick Lucas: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but yes, you're wrong!
Mr. Humphries: Oh, what a pity. I thought things were going to liven up a bit.

Mr. Dick Lucas: [Mr. Humphries has been caught "putting the knee in" a jacket and has been brought before Mr. Rumbold] You see, it was like this, you see, Sir. Erm, Mr. Humphries kneed the jacket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Ah! You mean, Mr. Humphries needed the jacket. Let's get our tenses right.
Mr. Humphries: No, no, you don't understand, Sir. You see, I kneed the jacket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: You need it now?
Mr. Humphries: No, I kneed it then.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: You mean, you needed it then.
Captain Stephen Peacock: If I might clarify the situation, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Captain Peacock. It does seem to have got rather out of hand.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes. It's a matter of spelling, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Spelling?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes Sir. You spelled kneed with an N. Mr. Humphries was using a K.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, you mean like kneading dough? Is that it, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yes, that's it. I needed the dough, but he didn't want the jacket because it was too tight.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: So you kneaded it to make it more supple, which was why you needed the jacket, you may recall Captain Peacock. That is what I said in the first place.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Nearly right, Sir, yes. But what they're trying to explain, Sir, is that, erm... and coming from Hardware, you would not be aware of this, but there is a method used, and I disapprove of it myself, Sir. There is a method used to enlarge the arm holes of jackets, and the method used is to knee the jacket... with a K.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I am aware of how you spell jacket, Captain Peacock.

Captain Stephen Peacock: [demonstrating how to knee a jacket to loosen the stitches] Now then, Sir. If you will er, listen carefully. I take the jacket so... and I pull so.
[knees the jacket]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I can't hear any stitches go.
Mr. Humphries: Perhaps it's already been done.
Captain Stephen Peacock: What makes you say that?
Mr. Humphries: Well, I sold it to you.

Mr. Humphries: Is everything all right, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Some lady says she wants to have me on the carpet.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Is Mr. Lucas free?
Mr. Humphries: I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written, "Dear sexy knickers, I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half past five and we'll get it together." Now, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each of you if you wrote this note. Mr. Grainger, did you write it?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I don't even understand it.
Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger wouldn't say "dear sexy knickers." You'd say "dear sexy bloomers," wouldn't you?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I very much doubt it.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?
Mr. Humphries: No. But thanks for the compliment.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, in view of those two denials, I can only come to one conclusion.
Mr. Dick Lucas: [laughing nervously] Shall I leave now, or work till five-thirty?


"Are You Being Served?: His and Her's (#1.4)" (1973)
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: My hand isn't at firm as yours, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: [Mr. Rumbold has just informed the staff that Mr. Grainger's central trouser display was removed to make way for a new perfume display]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Do you mean we're going to sell scent?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Yes, you could put it like that.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, if it's scent, why don't you clear some counter space in the ladies' department?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Precisely. Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying far too much underwear.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Are you suggesting, Mr. Grainger, that I should remove my underwear and put perfume there instead?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you suggesting that I should remove my trousers and put perfume there instead?

Mr. Ernest Grainger: I shall take no part in it!
Mr. Lucas: Ha, ha! Mutiny on the counter!
Captain Peacock: Now, come, come, Mr. Grainger, that's not like you.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, even in the French Revolution, the victims weren't expected to chop off their own heads.
Captain Peacock: I'm sure it won't come to that, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Nevertheless, my staff will not cooperate in the outfitting of that stand.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I'm behind you, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas: And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries. Yes, unless Captain Peacock says I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries. In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.

Mr. Lucas: That must be the salesgirl from 'His and Hers'. She's a bit of a turn-on, isn't she?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That's all you think about.
[points to his head]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's all up here, you know.
Mr. Lucas: Not one hundred percent, it's not.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Who is that young lady engaging Captain Peacock in conversation?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's the girl from 'His and Hers'.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh. Oh, then I think we'd better ignore her.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mr. Lucas is trying, but he's not doing very well at the moment.
Mr. Lucas: Just my luck isn't it, for a bird like that to sail into my life on a Thursday? Look at that! One lousy quid. Where can you take a bird like that on one quid?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: You can buy her six penneth of worms, and take her for a walk along the Canal Bank with your bent pin.

Mr. Lucas: Old Peacock's chatting her up a bit, isn't he? Look at him. Look at him.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well he's probably hoping she goes for the father figure.
Mr. Lucas: Yeah. More like the grandfather figure.

Miss French: Have you a changing room I could use?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: A changing room?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you having any difficulties, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Not yet, Mr. Grainger. This young lady wanted to use one of our changing rooms.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: May I enquire for what purpose?
Miss French: Would you believe to change?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I don't like the tone of your voice. And our changing rooms are not for the use of the female staff.
Miss French: Oh, all right, then. Have it your own way.
[takes off her coat and skirt, briefly revealing pantyhose and lingerie, and puts on a very short jumper]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [as Mr. Grainger looks shocked and offended and Mr. Lucas as his eyes wide open and glued to Miss French's legs] A glass of water for Mr. Grainger. And a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas!

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you being served, Sir?
Second Customer: It's all right, thanks. Just looking.
Mr. Lucas: That's all I've had this morning. - Four "just lookings", three "no thank you's" and two "where's the gents"?

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, I was just having a chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr Grainger. But I am free, aren't I, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: Oh, yes, you're free, Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Lucas: Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mr. Grainger was just observing the young lady on the centre stand and was wondering what's on the cards.
Mr. Lucas: Well, at his time of life, very little, I should think.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: The print, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas: Ah, yes.
[reads]
Mr. Lucas: "With every bottle of His perfume you purchase, you get a free tie".

Mr. Ernest Grainger: "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Lucas: I beg your pardon, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mr. Grainger's quoting from "Henry II", when he wanted to bump off Beckett.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, not my nice Mr. Beckett from Hardware?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: No, no, no. Mr. Grainger played Beckett in Grace Brothers' production of "Murder In The Cathedral".
Mr. Lucas: I'm sorry I missed that.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Mr. Grainger was very good, in spite of his gammy leg.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: He fell of the cathedral steps, and Mr. Rumbold and the lads had to murder him in the front row of the stalls.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: It was a very good round of applause.
Miss Shirley Brahms: [about Miss French] Are you suggesting then that we should stab her in the staff canteen?

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Please, please, please! Let's marshal all our facts, and find out precisely why this young lady left. Now, first of all, whose finger was it on the button that ruined the tape?
Captain Peacock: Well, it was my finger, but it...
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, no, no, no. Just the facts. Now, how did the other voice come into it?
Mr. Lucas: Well, I was talking through my hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Could you be more explicit?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, there was a microphone in his hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I see. Why?
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well... You see, Mr. Grainger said, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Did you say that, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, actually, Henry the Second said it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Perhaps I can explain. It wasn't Mr. Grainger who said it in the play, it was Becket. You remember, Mr. Rumbold, he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That's why he got such a good round of applause.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Now, I may be dense... but has the play got to do with this girl leaving?
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, you see, Mr. Grainger drew our attention to the fact that Henry the Second wanted to get rid of Becket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Becket?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Not Beckett from Hardware, no.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Mr. Granger's trousers are missing, and so is the central display stand.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I noticed as soon as I came in, didn't I, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: Oh yes you did, Mr. Humphries. Yes, "My goodness," you said, "it's gone!" you said. "What?" I said. "Mr. Grainger's center display stand," you said. "Oh dear!" I said. "My goodness, Mr. Grainger will have a fit when he sees it," you said.
[Mr. Granger walks in, gasping with shock]
Mr. Lucas: And you were right.


"Are You Being Served?: Our Figures Are Slipping (#1.2)" (1973)
Mrs. Slocombe: Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold, Miss Brahms and I would like to complain about the state of our drawers. They're... They're a positive disgrace.
Mr. Rumbold: Your what, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: Our drawers. They're sticking. It's always the same in damp weather.
Mr. Rumbold: Really?
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms could hardly shift hers at all just now.
Mr. Lucas: [laughing] No wonder she was late.
Mrs. Slocombe: They sent up a man who put beeswax on them, but that made them worse.
Mr. Rumbold: I'm not surprised.
Miss Brahms: I think they need sandpapering.
Mr. Rumbold: Would that help, do you think, Peacock?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, you see, I puff French chalk on mine, and they're as smooth as silk.
Mr. Lucas: Perhaps you could puff some French chalk over Mrs. Slocombe's.
Mr. Rumbold: Would that solve your problem, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: They ought to be changed. I've had them ever since I've been here!

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Signing in at work] Good morning Captain Peacock.
[Looks at his watch]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Eight fifty-nine and ten... ten seconds, yes. I would have been here at eight fifty-eight, but I caught my hand bag in the lift.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Hand bag?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, it's Miss Brahms' actually. She left it on the stairs. She must have been in rather a hurry. Besides, I wouldn't be seen dead with imitation crocodile, not with these shoes anyway.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: I walked through the park in order to give my toast crusts to the ducks. My wife doesn't like me to leave them, but these new teeth of mine... They're a little to much for them. You know, even the ducks have to wait until they go soggy.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: They'll probably be all right, when you've run them in a bit.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [after Mr. Lucas talks to Captain Peacock] Did you have a nice little chat?
Mr. Lucas: He said I've got to report to Rumbold at nine fifteen with my sales book. What does that mean?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, in the terms of the Almighty's grand plan for the universe, very little. But as far as your concerned, it probably means you'll be at the labor exchange at half past nine.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger, would you step this way please, if you're free.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm... I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Free, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Lucas: Oh, very free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Step this way.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: I suppose I ought to phone Mrs. Grainger, and tell her to keep the pie warm in the oven.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Tell her to turn the regulo down to a quarter. If she hardens that crust, it'll play havoc with your gums.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Take that silly grin off your face, Mr. Lucas. It's very bad for trade.
Mr. Lucas: You just can't win, can you?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Take no notice of him. He's jealous. If he tried it, they'd drop on the floor.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Mr. Grainger is snoring on his chair] Poor old soul, he's been on his feet all day. He probably goes to sleep about this time on the train.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Rumbold: Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms: Mr. Grainger?
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms! Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms: Baldy?
Mr. Rumbold: One hesitates to lay hands on him. Still...
Mr. Lucas: Oh no, no, no. I wouldn't if I were you, Mr, Rumbold. No, no. Just think. Sudden shock, heart attack, kicks the bucket. News Of The World: "Aged Worker Dies At Hands Of Overseer". That wouldn't look good for Grace Brothers.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Excuse me, Captain Peacock. I think I know what to do.
[coughs]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.


"Are You Being Served?: Cold Comfort (#2.2)" (1974)
Mr Humphries: [while warming his legs with a hairdryer] You *shall* go to the ball!

Mr Humphries: [Captain Peacock is wearing a ski mask] Oh, it's the masked stranger. Take my body but leave my jewels alone.
Captain Peacock: Good morning, Mr. Humphries.
Mr Humphries: I withdraw the offer.
Captain Peacock: They're very useful for keeping out the cold.
Mr Humphries: Whatever has happened to the central heating in here? My ballpoint'll never function in this weather.

Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Peacock: At the moment, yes.
Mrs. Slocombe: Could I have a word with you?
Captain Peacock: Certainly.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it's rather personal.
Captain Peacock: Ah.
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms has just been and it's frozen over.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
Mrs. Slocombe: The ladies. It's solid.
Captain Peacock: I see. But what exactly do you expect me to do about it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I thought I'd ask you if umm... we could use the gents. It's rather urgent.
Captain Peacock: Yes, well, I'll uh have a word with Mr. Grainger. You must go through the right channels, you know.
Mrs. Slocombe: Yeah, well, don't be too long.
[Miss Brahm's mouths "But it's cold"]
Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Err, yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Umm, a slightly delicate situation has arisen. It appears...
[whispers what has had happened into Mr. Grainger's ear]
Mrs. Slocombe: He's asking Grainger.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, fancy telling Grainger I wanted to go.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I understand, Captain Peacock. Of course, I shall have to consult my colleagues. Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] We're free.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh, he'll be sending for Doctor Kissinger in a minute.
Miss Shirley Brahms: It's degrading. He's telling them all now.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Why can't she use the one in the bargain basement?
Mr Humphries: Yes, or the public one on the sports floor?

Mr. Dick Lucas: Mr. Humphries, what are you doing?
Mr Humphries: I'm warming me hands in the cashmere. It was so cold last night, I had to iron the sheets before I got into bed.
Mr. Dick Lucas: I tell ya, these power cuts make me wish I was married.
Mr. Mash: Psst. Gov'nor. Psst. Here, lads, what about a cup of under-the-counter cocoa, then?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, yeah. Don't let Peacock see.
Mr. Mash: Well if he complains, he won't get one.
Mr. Dick Lucas: [referring to Mr. Mash] Ha-ha-ha... He's one of us.
[is about to take a sip of the hot chocolate Mr. Mash provided]
Mr. Mash: Ten pence each.
Mr Humphries: He's not one of us.
[he and Mr. Lucas put their hot chocolates back on Mr. Mash's tray]

Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Humphries?
Mr Humphries: Err... I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Good. We mustn't keep the customer waiting.

Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: How long have we been displaying electrical equipment in the Cardinal Woolsey cabinet?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you free, Mr. Humphries?
Mr Humphries: I'm afraid I am, Mr. Grianger. Mr. Lucas is free too.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Thank you.

Young Mr. Grace: Good morning, everybody.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Good morning, Mr. Grace.
Young Mr. Grace: I think you've all done very well, working in these cold conditions.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr. Grace: Carry on. You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Mr. Dick Lucas: A bit taters in here this morning, innit?
Captain Peacock: You needn't concern yourself with the heat, Mr. Lucas. Mr. Rumbold is going to make an announcement about that in a few moments.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, well, we've got nothing to worry about then, have we? The shear excitement of an announcement by Mr. Rumbold is sending the blood pounding through my temples already.
Mr Humphries: That's not excitement, that's a hangover.


"Are You Being Served?: Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend (#1.5)" (1973)
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Captain Peacock?

Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, so, anyway, I couldn't take her home to my place, see. Cause it was Thursday night, and that's the night me mum does her feet.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, I suppose that would take the romance out of it. So what did you do?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Well I took her back to hers. It was an absolute disaster. Her old man came back early and insisted on watching the telly with us. Then her aunt came back, and her mum came home from Bingo. And then her sister came back downstairs with the baby, cause it wouldn't stop crying. Three hours later, he old man asked me what my intentions were. I told him, "With all you lot here, nothing at all", so he kicked me out. What did you do?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well I had an old friend round for dinner, but it wasn't a very successful evening. I mean, you've got to be in the mood for cooking haven't you? I got a bit cross and slammed the oven door, and well, me Yorkshires wouldn't rise. You know, I didn't know which way to turn, which is very unusual for me. So you know what I did?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yeah... so what did you do?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I got me rolling pin out, I flattened it all down, I threw a tin of fruit salad on it, and served it as a surprise pancake. It made the evening.

Mr. Dick Lucas: What's all that about then?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: We've known each other for ages. We see a lot of each other.
Mr. Dick Lucas: What? You and that gorgeous thing?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: She's a very good friend of mine.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Look at those legs!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Hmm... That is a very lovely person.
Mr. Dick Lucas: You're telling me!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: And I'll tell you something else. He's much more settled since he's had the operation.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] Yes, we're free.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Check these please.
[hands them their pay slips]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger, are you free?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: At the moment... Thank you.

Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, blimey! Eleven pounds, forty seven p... I'm supposed to get nineteen quid a week.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, there's probably some deductions. Check your slip.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Tax... Six pounds, twelve.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, you see the Concorde is expensive, then there's the Coal Board, and the Iron and Steel Board, the railways, and not to mention the upkeep of our stall in the Common Market. You've got yourself a bargain there, if you did but know it.
Mr. Dick Lucas: National Health... One pound twenty one. I haven't been near a doctor in five years.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh well, when you get pregnant you'll get your maternity grant.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Ten p for Grace Brothers' Social Club. Social Club! A converted Scout hut on the edges of Romney Marshes, a cracked ping-pong ball, and three darts with foul pest.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's worth it for the annual outing alone. Now, where else could you see Captain Peacock in a funny hat and Mrs. Slocombe going home kale-eyed on the bus?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Twenty p for Grace Brothers' Staff Home. Now, that I don't mind. I mean, what a way to end your days. When you're too old to bend down and take an inside leg, you can sit all day in the drizzle in a wheelchair, waiting for that voice to come crying out of the sky: "Are you free, Mr. Lucas?". And five minutes later you've got Grainger measuring you up for a pair of wings, telling you, "They'll ride up with wear".
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: He'll measure you for an asbestos suit.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Now, do bring the gloves back if they don't fit, madam. And we'll change them with pleasure.
Wealthy Client: The fingers do seem a bit long.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Now, don't worry, Madam, they'll ride up with wear. Everything does.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: What about a nice tie to go with them?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yes, or a briefcase to keep them in?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Or one of our latest novelties, an automatic umbrella?

Captain Stephen Peacock: How much is the reward, sir?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I beg your pardon?
Captain Stephen Peacock: How much is the reward?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: How... how much is the reward?...
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Erm... 75 pounds! How does that sound?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Very convincing, Sir.
[to Mr. Humphries]
Mr. Dick Lucas: The old chiseller's trying to do us out of twenty five quid.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's his ears you know. When they're low set, like that, it means they've got criminal instincts.

Mr. Dick Lucas, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [both at the same time] Are you being served, Sir?


"Are You Being Served?: The Hand of Fate (#3.1)" (1975)
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [reading Mr. Kato's palm] Cross means crash.
Mr. Kato: Please?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Cross means crash.
Mr. Kato: Please?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Closs mean clash!
Mr. Kato: Oh!
[pause]
Mr. Kato: Me no need clash; me got cledit card!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Ah, yes.
[pause]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Go home, go home!
Mr. Kato: [bows] So.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Yes, yes, cuanta le gusta.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [reading Mrs Slocomb'e palm] Oh, you have a very pronounced Mount of Venus!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Mr. Lucas, one sarky remark from you, I go straight to Captain Peacock!

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [referring to Rumbold's outstretched hand] No, not that one. That's the one you were born with!

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to Mrs. Slocombe] Well, I used to have these funny turns, you see. When I was fifteen, I had the sensation of floating out of my body and looking down at myself lying in bed in my pyjamas.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: What were you doing?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Nothing. I was just lying there.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Ooh, isn't it creepy?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I've learned to do it at will since then. I can pop out of my body whenever I like.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, I wish I could.
Mr. Dick Lucas: If I had a body like hers, I wouldn't come back.
[Mrs. Slocombe stands and glares at him]
Mr. Dick Lucas: I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe. Just a joke. Just a joke, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: When I first joined Grace Brothers, juniors weren't allowed to sit with the seniors.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: I am going to suggest to Captain Peacock that you take over my position. Do you think you could cope?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I'm sure I could, Mr. Grainger. Especially with your hand to guide me.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: And do you... Do you think that Lucas is capable of taking over from you?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: With my hand to guide him.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, better consult him.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yes, you have just caught me at a free moment, Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Not at the moment, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh, only Captain Peacock's free.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh. Well, are you free, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, would you mind taking over this customer, please?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's a pleasure, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Right, thank you. I've already taken his inside leg.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: He's looking for something in Scottish tweed with broad shoulders.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mm, aren't we all?

[last lines]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I think this would be a very good time for me to leave my body.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: [passing a customer off on Mister Humphries] He's for something in Scottish tweed with broad shoulders.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Aren't we all?


"Are You Being Served?: Camping In (#1.3)" (1973)
Miss Brahms: What does ENSA stand for?
Mr. Humphries: Every Night Something Awful 'appens!

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Don't worry about the length of the fingers, Sir. You'll find they'll ride up with wear. And I'm sure you'll find they'll give every satisfaction. Don't you agree, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Oh, yes, Mr. Grainger. It's very difficult to distinguish that plastic imitation leatherette from the real imitation leatherette.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: And you'll find that the lining will keep the hands wonderfully warm. Won't it, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Warm as toast, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas: Yes, of course. That's because it's made from real imitation, simulated nylon fur fabric, you see?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Humphries: I wore a pair of those myself last season, and I had quite a lot of satisfaction. Didn't I, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I believe you did, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Lucas: During the freeze up last winter, you know, when I couldn't fill my hot water bottle, I wore a pair of those on my feet and I got a lot of satisfaction. Didn't I, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: What you say Mr. Lucas, has a distinct ring of truth about it, despite the fact that you've only been with us, two months.
The Leatherette Gloves: As a matter of fact, they're for the wife's brother. I don't like him very much.
Mr. Humphries: Well, in that case, Sir. You couldn't have made a better choice.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.

Mr. Lucas: [about Mr. Grainger] Hello, Churchill's having one of his catnaps again. Somebody better wake him up. It's time to go to bed.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [waking up] Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

Mrs. Slocombe: I was blowing up my air bed and it takes puff after puff after puff.
Mr. Humphries: Can I help anybody?
Mrs. Slocombe: No, thank you, Mr. Humphries. I've managed.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Oh, yes, it brought back memories of the army. The lads, the heat, the sunset and the endless shifting sands.
Mr. Lucas: How long were you at Bognor Regis, Captain Peacock?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Lucas, when you were at school, I was with some of the toughest soldiers in the world, chasing Rommel through the desert.
Mr. Humphries: Some people have all the luck.

Mr. Lucas: Mr. Humphries, do me a favor. Take that man's inside leg.
Mr. Humphries: Don't ask me. I've given it up for Lent.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Everyone thinks of how they are going to provide sleeping accommodations in the store] Camping.
Mr. Humphries: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Camping! Were you never in the Scouts, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Well, not officially.


"Are You Being Served?: Pilot (#1.0)" (1972)
Mr. Humphries: Having trouble with Mrs. Slocombe?
Mr. Mash: All that women's lib has gone to her head, mate.
Mr. Humphries: Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire Brigade.

Mr. Humphries: [to Mr. Lucas about Mr. Grainger] Don't take any notice of him. He won't sack you. He's too soft-hearted. He'll get Peacock to do it.

Mr. Humphries: [talking about Young Mr. Grace] He's worth two million.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Two million?
Mr. Humphries: He can't take it with him.
Mr. Dick Lucas: The way he's walking, he looks as though he's carrying it on his back.

Miss Shirley Brahms: Are you free, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: At the moment, yes.

Mr. Humphries: [Talking about Miss Brahms] She's got a nerve!
Mr. Dick Lucas: What's the matter now?
Mr. Humphries: She wants to remove my shirt and put a bra there instead.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Just you, or all of us?

Mr. Dick Lucas: [after Young Mr. Grace leaves] We'll that was a short day, wasn't it?
Mr. Humphries: I don't know, he's put in ten minutes. I wonder where he's going?
Mr. Dick Lucas: I think it's a toss up between the bank and the undertaker.

Mr. Dick Lucas: [Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries discuss the Blue Cinema Club card that had fallen out of Captain Peacock's pocket] Hello.
Mr. Humphries: What's that?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Blue Cinema Club.
Mr. Humphries: I shouldn't have thought a young virile gentleman like yourself, needed that sort of stimulation.
Mr. Dick Lucas: It's not mine. It fell out of Captain Peacock's pocket.
Mr. Humphries: It didn't? Let me have a look. Oh.
[reads off card]
Mr. Humphries: "Members Signature: Captain John Smith". Captain John Smith! That's him, all right. I wondered why he bought that brown raincoat in the sale.
Mr. Dick Lucas: I'd better give it to him.
[he starts to leave the counter]
Mr. Humphries: That'll be the last thing you do.
Mr. Dick Lucas: What do you mean?
Mr. Humphries: Well, if he knows that you know that he goes sitting in that little cinema, where there's no room for your legs and they all have their macs over their knees...
Mr. Dick Lucas: [loudly] How do you know what it looks like?
Mr. Humphries: My doctor sent me there for therapy.
Mr. Dick Lucas: [pause] Did it work?
Mr. Humphries: That's none of your business.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, what are we going to do?
Mr. Humphries: We are going to do nothing. You leave it there. He'll see it. He's got eyes like a Scandinavian mountain hawk. We'll pretend we haven't seen it.


"Are You Being Served?: Big Brother (#2.4)" (1974)
Mr. Humphries: [hangs up phone] Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: What's up?
Mr. Humphries: You're wanted in the office.
Mr. Lucas: What for?
Mr. Humphries: Someone has seen you smoking. And as your senior here, I should have told you to put it out.
Mr. Rumbold: [watching in his office on surveillance camera] Quite right, Humphries! Good man.
Mr. Humphries: You never know when old jug-ears is snooping round.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, have you the time?
Mr. Humphries: It depends on what you have in mind, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Rumbold: [talking about shoplifting in the store] Only this morning, Mrs. Slocombe informed me that she'd had a skirt lifted.
Mr. Humphries: Some people have all the luck.
Mr. Rumbold: And I seem to remember Miss Brahms lost something last week.
Mr. Lucas: It wasn't me.
Mr. Humphries: Do you know, only the other day, a customer reached across the counter and put his hands in my Fair Isle drawers. He said he was going to pay.
Mr. Rumbold: Yes, well, I've got a man to handle that sort of thing.
Mr. Humphries: Oh, nice.

Mr. Clegg: [to Mr. Humphries] Excuse me, Sir, what's that suspicious looking bulge?
Mr. Humphries: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Clegg: In your pocket, Sir. - May I see it, please?
Mr. Humphries: [to Mr. Lucas] Shouldn't he have a search warrant?
Mr. Lucas: Why? It's never bothered you before.

[last lines]
Mr. Lucas: [about Miss Brahm's having the measles] Marvelous, isn't it? The one night my mother's away, and she has to go and get measles. Just my luck! I haven't had it.
Mr. Humphries: The way things are going, you're not going to get it. I say, you haven't handled her recently, have you?
Mr. Lucas: Well, I've just given her a peck on the neck that's all, when I set the plan up. Why? I mean, you don't think, I...
Mr. Humphries: I was going to ask you out for a drink, but on second thoughts, good night.

Mr. Humphries: Are you sure we're safe here?
Mr. Lucas: Lower your voice!
Mr. Humphries: [Misunderstands, drops his pitch an octave] Are you sure we're safe here?

Mr. Lucas: Poor Mr. Rumbold. It won't seem the same without him.
Mr. Humphries: He's not as bad as all that, is he? Although, I have seen that look before.
Mr. Lucas: You don't think he knows, and is just bravely hiding it from us?
Mr. Humphries: No, not him. He'd come out and make an announcement.


"Are You Being Served?: The Think Tank (#2.3)" (1974)
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: They're not even looking like they used to. I mean, there was a time when you'd go up to a customer, say "Excuse me, Sir, are you being served?", and they'd say "no, just looking". Now they don't even come in. It's most frustrating, isn't it, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Most frustrating. Trousers are at a complete stand still.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: You're lucky to get your tape up once a day.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, my corsets have been down for over a fortnight.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, I'm dying for a cup of coffee.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: So am I. I want one to take my pill.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you on the Pill?

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Mr. Grainger is sleeping] Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [wakes up] Ah! Err, err, yes, I'm free.

Captain Stephen Peacock: After I came out of the army, I made a study of sales technique. Now, there was a theory that a moving display has more impact than a... than a static one.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] True.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, I suppose you mean we should have our trousers moving about more.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: How do we achieve that?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Couple of dozen pairs of electric legs.
[laughs]
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm being quite serious, Mr. Lucas.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, how does that affect my department?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, do we have lots of electric knickers jumping up and down on the counter?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Wouldn't that be very expensive?
Mr. Dick Lucas: You could have Mrs. Slocombe jumping up and down on the counter. That should make a big enough impact!
[laughs]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That's it. I am withdrawing to the canteen.

Captain Stephen Peacock: I mean a down to earth fashion show, where we demonstrate to the man in the street that we sell ordinary clothes that are well within the reach of his pocket.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: And what about the woman in the street?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Unisex!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I, I mean a show for both sexes. I don't think your idea for a men's fashion show would get us anywhere. But my idea for a... a unisex show seems very original.
Miss Shirley Brahms: But I thought unisex meant men and women in the same clothes.
Mr. Dick Lucas: It does!
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Does it? Perhaps I meant bisexual.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: No, I don't think you meant that, Mr. Rumbold.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Perhaps we should call it A Man And Woman's Fashion Parade.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Or better still, "Male And Female Modes On The Move". Yes, that's it. I don't think your idea for "A Man And Woman's Fashion Parade" would have any appeal at all, but my idea for "Male And Female Modes On The Move" has fantastic appeal. Agreed?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, yes, Mr. Rumbold, yes. What a pity you couldn't have thought of something like that, Captain Peacock.

[last lines]
Young Mr. Grace: Well, goodbye, everybody.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe, Mr. Dick Lucas, Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Goodbye, Mr. Grace.
Young Mr. Grace: Goodbye. You've all done very well!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe, Mr. Dick Lucas, Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.


"Are You Being Served?: Hoorah for the Holidays (#2.5)" (1974)
Mrs. Slocombe: [the staff have each been offered five pounds to cover the cost of having to take their holidays while the store is decorated] You'll have to up the anti, Mr. Rumbold. I mean, five pounds goes nowhere. A loaf of bread costs three shillings. Five pounds is only thirty-five loaves!
Mr. Humphries: And where can you go on holiday for thirty-five loaves?
Mr. Lucas: It doesn't buy much crumpet, either.
Mr. Grainger: I don't get the enjoyment out of it that I used to in the old days.
Mr. Lucas: What, the crumpet?
Mr. Grainger: No. The bread!

Mr. Rumbold: [describing possible locations for the staff holiday] "Belly-dancing and sword-swallowing are a nightly attraction for the diners as they sit, cross-legged, on their jhibos, toying with their couscous
[to Mr. Humphries]
Mr. Rumbold: I think a jhibo must be some sort of cushion!
Mr. Humphries: I was going to ask you about that.
Mr. Grainger: What exactly is a couscous?
Captain Peacock: It's a... It's an Arabic, sagoey sort of dish. You eat it with the cut-off ear of a sheep.
Mr. Grainger: Eurgh!
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I'm not sitting on my jhibo in a Foreign Legion fort, toying with me couscous. Not even with a knife and fork!
Mr. Rumbold: I thought it sounded rather fun.

[first lines]
The Ready-Made Suit: Excuse me, I have a fitting.
Mr. Humphries: Certainly, Sir. Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Lucas: I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Humphries: Your customer for the made-to-measure suit.

Mr. Humphries: I'll take the customer into the changing room, Mr. Grainger. Put his clothes on a coat hanger.
Mr. Grainger: And come straight back, Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Grainger: You have my support, Stephen.
Mrs. Slocombe: And mine.
Mr. Lucas: I'm right behind you, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Humphries: I'm right behind you, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas: I'd rather you were behind Captain Peacock.

[last lines]
Young Mr. Grace: Oh, yes, there's just one thing. - The decorators cant make August, so you'll have to take the last two weeks in November.
Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Rumbold, Captain Peacock, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Mash: November?
Captain Peacock: Where can you go in November? It's out of season!
Mr. Grainger: Oh, no, it's alright. You can all come and stay at Mrs. Featherstone's. I have a photograph here.
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, there's one consolation. - If we all go to Mrs. Featherstone's, we won't have to go forty miles to find a pot there.


"Are You Being Served?: Shoulder to Shoulder (#3.7)" (1975)
[to telephone customer]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: We'll do your inside leg.
[Aside to Lucas]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: This should be fun.
Mr. Dick Lucas: You ought to be careful. You know it's an offense to make dirty phone calls.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Lucas, you are not indispensable. There are many young men who would bend over backwards to get into Grace Brothers.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That's one of the qualifications.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: This sweater is half man-made wool, half polyester fiber.
Newlywed Male Customer: Surely that's man-made as well.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Ah, yes, but it's made by different men.

Newlywed Male Customer: Shall I or shan't I? Should I or shouldn't I?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Is he or isn't he?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I don't know, but I'd think it'd help if there was a rush.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: That Mrs. Slocombe gets in my hair.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Metaphorically speaking, you mean.


"Are You Being Served?: Oh What a Tangled Web (#4.6)" (1976)
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Captain Peacock has arrived very late to work after an alleged affair with Mr. Rumbold's secretary] Good morning, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh, good morning, Captain Peacock!
Captain Stephen Peacock: Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Good *afternoon,* Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, I am a bit late. There's a reason, of course.
Mr. James: Yes, and here it comes.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to the camera] And the next object is: a lie. A lie.

Captain Stephen Peacock: I sat behind the wheel all night, trying to think what to say...
[stands]
Captain Stephen Peacock: to the woman I love.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Why not, "Jump in the front for a quick cuddle?"
Captain Stephen Peacock: Foolishly, I asked Mr. Rumbold to perjure himself. Quite correctly, he refused so to do. For, after all, when the final account is balanced up in the Book of Life, we are men of integrity. What I've said is true, and I swear it, as a God-fearing man, and an ex-officer of the Royal Army Service Corps.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [after applause from the department, Mr. Rumbold stands] Mrs. Peacock, if ever I've heard the truth from the lips of a man, then I've heard it today. I'm sure you can doubt your husband no longer.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to Mr. Grainger] I didn't think people talked like this anymore!

Mr. Dick Lucas: Everything all right, Captain Peacock?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, yes, up to a point.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Was Mr. Rumbold helpful?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Let's put it this way - if one were drowning, Mr. Rumbold would be the first to hold out an electric cow prod.

Mrs. Peacock: Is that her?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: That is my secretary, yes.
[Mrs. Peacock breaks down sobbing]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Do you know, when I was in the navy, we had a petty officer just like that.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I notice she didn't burst into tears when she thought it was me.
Mr. Dick Lucas: [dryly] Funny, that.


"Are You Being Served?: German Week (#3.6)" (1975)
Mr. Grainger: I can't wait more than ten minutes because I'm having a bath tonight.
Mr. Humphries: Oh, it's treats!
Mr. Grainger: Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often.
Mr. Lucas: Having a bath with Mrs. Grainger, are you?
Mr. Grainger: I don't find that amusing!
Mr. Lucas: Come to think of it, neither would I.

Mr. Lucas: Here, listen to this, you'll never guess what the German word for "cuff links" is.
Mr. Humphries: What?
Mr. Lucas: "Manschettenknöpfe."
Mr. Humphries: I don't expect they'll sell many with a name like that.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, where are we in our conference?
Mr. Humphries: Mrs. Slocombe was remembering being flat on her back on Clapham Common.
Mrs. Slocombe: Can we knock it off, please?
Mr. Lucas: She even remembers what she said!


"Are You Being Served?: Cold Store (#3.4)" (1975)
Miss Brahms: Where's 'A' for 'Ankerchief?
Mr. Humphries: Under 'H' for Habedashary

[Mr. Humphries is showing Miss Brahms around the Men's Department]
Mr. Humphries: They're all marked alphabetically: "B" for "braces," "G" for "gloves."
Miss Brahms: Where's "A" for "'ankerchiefs"?
Mr. Humphries: That comes under "H" for "'aberdashery."
Miss Brahms: Oh! What are these jokey shorts?
Mr. Humphries: "Jockey shorts"!
Miss Brahms: Do you have jockeys come in here?
Mr. Humphries: Of course not! They're just a sexy line in men's underwear.
Miss Brahms: Oh. Well, why do you call them "jockey shorts"?
Mr. Humphries: Well, you know, if anybody shouts "they're off," you know you're on your way to the winning post.
Miss Brahms: You live in a dream world, don't you?
Mr. Humphries: And down here we've got Y-fronts.
Miss Brahms: Oh. Now, do you have Y-backs?
Mr. Humphries: No. Strangely enough, there's not much call for those these days.

[Mr. Grainger has spent the entire morning rushing off to the toilet because of "gastric distress." He returns from the toilet to find Miss Brahms in the Men's Department, and is unaware that she has been assigned there]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Humphries: Yes, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Send that girl back to her own department.
Mr. Humphries: She's been seconded to us, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Been what?
Mr. Humphries: Placed here at Captain Peacock's request.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, we'll soon see about that! Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Looks around] At present, yes.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Could I have a word with you?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, what is it?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, I have a very serious complaint.
[Grimaces]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, damn...
[Runs off to the toilet]
Captain Stephen Peacock: It doesn't appear to be getting any better!


Are You Being Served? (1977)
Don Carlos Bernardo: Ah.
[snaps his fingers]
Don Carlos Bernardo: Of course. Tentyhouses! Oh, my English spelling is so bad. Whenever I'm wanting 'T' I'm having a 'P'.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Remind me to stick to coffee.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Been taking a dip, Mr Humphries?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, I haven't been sitting in the cocktail bar with this lot on!

Captain Stephen Peacock: [Watching a procession of nuns] What a charming, old world sight.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Hey, you see the one at the back - I seem to recognise the walk!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [the last nun in the line, moving away from the others] Peace be with you, sisters!


"Are You Being Served?: Mrs. Slocombe Expects (#5.1)" (1977)
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Watching Mr Humphries enter dressed as a motorcyclist] The face eludes me, but I recognise the walk
[Lifts the tinted visor on the helmet]
Mr. Humphries: I'm glad you did that - I was starting to run out of oxygen!

[the men have realised that Mrs Slocombe was referring to her cat and her neighbors cats, and not herself and a beau, during her conversation with Miss Brahms]
Mr. Dick Lucas: She had me worried for a minute.
Mr. Humphries: She had me worried - especially when she mentioned the one who was ginger having the operation!

Mr. Grainger: My, my, my, my teeth won't stop chattering.
Mr. Humphries: Well, put them in your pocket.


"Are You Being Served?: A Bliss Girl (#6.5)" (1978)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe.
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Signals with his finger for Mrs. Slocombe to come over to him]
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock! I do not respond to any man's finger!
Mr. Humphries: I used to have an aunt that said that. A maiden aunt.

[Mr. Humphries is convincing a lady customer to buy a hat on impulse]
Mr. Humphries: Oh, I love it. I love it. It's 'Dr. Zhivago.' It's Garbo. It's 'Orient Express.'
[Checks the price tag]
Mr. Humphries: It's reduced.
Lady Customer: I like it. I'll have it. It's all on my husband's account, anyway.
Mr. Humphries: Well, in that case, why don't you treat yourself to a coat?
Mr. Humphries: [Leads the customer to a black fur coat at the center display] I don't suppose you'll be able to afford it, but let's just slip it on for fun.
Lady Customer: [Drapes the coat over her shoulders] Oh, just the feel of it does something for me.
Mr. Humphries: [Stroking the coat sleeve] Oh, yes, I find that the same.
Lady Customer: [Checks the price tag] Three thousand pounds? He'll have a heart attack!
Mr. Humphries: Well, fortunately it is black.

Lady Customer: Mrs. Slocombe.
Lady Customer: [Signals with his finger for Mrs. Slocombe to come over to him]
Mr. Humphries: [Irate] Captain Peacock! I do not respond to any man's finger!
Mrs. Slocombe: I used to have an aunt that said that. A maiden aunt.


"Are You Being Served?: The Old Order Changes (#5.4)" (1977)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Peace, man.
The Afro Pants: Love.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That as well.
The Afro Pants: Do you have trousers?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Far as the eye can see.
The Afro Pants: Then pant me, man.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Clayborne?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: You called, Stevie baby?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Strides for the omi with the naff riah.

Captain Peacock: On Saturday, two customers complained that they had difficulty breathing because of your aftershave lotion.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It wasn't aftershave, it was my new skin tightener. It really works wonders. You should see the commercial they do for it. It shows a prune being turned back into a plum.
Captain Peacock: It is my experience after more than 30 years in the distributive trades that customers place more trust in an honest prune than someone trying desperately to look like Donny Osmond! Now get back behind your counter.


"Are You Being Served?: Christmas Crackers (#3.9)" (1975)
Captain Stephen Peacock: We can't burst into song every time the lift opens.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: What a pity; I was looking forward to being a counter tenor.

[Everyone sings a song 'Christmas time is here"]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Holly, mistletoe, big fir trees And once again a splendid reason To celebrate the festive season, Christmas time is here!
Mr. Mash: I've knocked up a land enchanted, Christmas trees freshly planted. And the reason for my smile- The overtime made it worthwhile!
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I, although a senior member, Get lightheaded in November.
Mr. Lucas: That's why he's dressed up as an egg, And I've lost half my inside leg.
Mrs. Slocombe: Speaking on behalf of blouses, It's rather drafty 'round the houses.
Miss Shirley Brahms: That must be why I saw you shiver.
Captain Stephen Peacock: You should have worn a bigger quiver!
[all sing chorus]
Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Even we so far above you At Christmas time just want to love you.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I, after all, must be a sport.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I trust I shan't be taken short.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Mr. Humphries looks so charming.
Mrs. Slocombe: It's his smile that's so disarming.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: How kind! But if I were a prince I'd still like Christmas pud and mince.
[all sing chorus]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Young Mr. Grace is brought in]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Young Mr. Grace!
Mrs. Slocombe: And there's the bell!
Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Mash, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Sit down, sir; you've done very well! We're so happy with our grotto
Mr. Mash: Here's a bottle. Let's get blotto!


"Are You Being Served?: Sit Out (#8.4)" (1981)
Miss Virginia Edwards: [Sitting on Mr. Grace's knee while typing] Mr. Grace! A man's just appeared outside your window, and he's beckoning!
Old Mr. Grace: Has he a sickle and a long white beard, and is he wearing a nightshirt?
Miss Virginia Edwards: No.
Old Mr. Grace: Oh, thank heavens for that!
Old Mr. Grace: [Looks out window] It's young Mr. Humphries!
Old Mr. Grace: [shouts out to Mr. Humphries outside the window] What are you doing out there, practicing to be a fairy?
Mr. Humphries: I've just come to say, we're all up on the roof and we're not coming down until our demands have been satisfied.
Old Mr. Grace: I'm in very much the same position.

Mr. Grossman: I think I ought to look for another job.
Mr. Bert Spooner: What could you do?
Mr. Grossman: What do you mean, what could I do? I've got my brain. I've got my eyes, my senses, my hands, my feet.
Mr. Humphries: You could be a guide dog.


"Are You Being Served?: Fire Practice (#4.4)" (1976)
Mr. Humphries: [Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas are taking money out of the Turkish person's briefcase during a fire drill]
Mr. Humphries: One for them and one for us. One for them and one for us. One for them and one for us. One for them and...
Mr. Humphries: [Turkish man comes up to them with a knife]
Mr. Humphries: All for them and none for us. All for them and none for us. All for them and none for us.

The Emir's Chief Assistant: In my country, we are all believers. It's not permitted that women touch women. Man may touch man, but woman may not touch woman.
Mr. Humphries: Where did they say they came from?


"Are You Being Served?: Up Captain Peacock (#3.3)" (1975)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I'm just pricing my ties, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: The gentleman wishes to try on a dress.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I'm free!
The Dress: It's for a fancy dress party.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh yes. That's what they all say!


"Are You Being Served?: New Look (#3.8)" (1975)
Miss Brahms: Ooh, we could have those lovely 1920s frocks with all feathers and beads.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [excitedly] Oh, that would be nice!


"Are You Being Served?: Fifty Years On (#4.5)" (1976)
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I ask Mother how old she is and she tells me "as old as my nose and slightly older than my teeth".
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I'm a great deal older than my teeth


"Are You Being Served?: The Apartment (#7.3)" (1979)
Mr. Humphries: You know, when I was cleaning out our attic the other day, I found an old calendar called "The Week of Love." It had Monday for Meeting, Tuesday for Talking, Wednesday for Wishing, Thursday for Touching, and Friday for some reason had been torn out.


"Are You Being Served?: The Club (#6.2)" (1978)
Mr. Percival Tebbs: No one was allowed into the Club without his tie.
Miss Brahms: But girls don't wear ties.
Mr. Lucas: You could have Club Drawers
Mr. Humphries: Mrs Slocombe wouldn't be allowed in without her drawers.
Mr. Lucas: [Mrs Slocombe and Mr Lucas stand up] It wasn't me, it was him
[points to Mr Humphries]
Mrs. Slocombe: Mr Humphries, I'm surprised at you!


"Are You Being Served?: Conduct Unbecoming (#9.2)" (1983)
Miss Belfridge: [kissing Mr Humphries on the cheek] I was always on your side!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: If you're not careful I'll be over to your side!


"Are You Being Served?: The Punch and Judy Affair (#7.8)" (1979)
Captain Stephen Peacock: [discussing Mrs Slocombe as a policeman in the play] I think that Mrs Slocombe should also remove her lipstick. I mean, who's ever seen a policeman wearing lipstick?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I have. Mind you, the circumstances were entirely different.


"Are You Being Served?: Anything You Can Do (#7.6)" (1979)
[in the canteen kitchen, Mr. Humphries sees something on the floor, screams and leaps into Mrs. Slocombe's arms]
Mrs. Slocombe: Was it a mouse, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Don't be silly, Mrs. Slocombe. Only women are frightened of mice.
Mr. Lucas: What was it?
Mr. Humphries: A frog!


"Are You Being Served?: Goodbye Mr. Grainger (#5.6)" (1977)
[Mr. Grainger has just apologized for his rude behaviour towards the staff]
Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Our colleague has just uttered the most difficult words in the English language: I'm sorry.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it's his own fault.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That's what makes it so difficult.
Mrs. Slocombe: You know, it's the sort of thing that saints do. I wonder if he's had some spiritual awakening. You know, it's the sort of thing that happened to Saint Joan when them soldiers lit them faggots under her feet.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That was enough to make anybody sit up and take notice!


"Are You Being Served?: No Sale (#4.1)" (1976)
Captain Peacock: [after Henry's wife has bitterly torn apart a ball gown] You'll have to pay for that, you know! You've just ruined a perfectly good dress!
Henry: You've just ruined a perfectly good marriage!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to Mr. Lucas] It's just like Crossroads, isn't it?


"Are You Being Served?: Take-Over (#5.5)" (1977)
[In the canteen, everyone is reading the want ads, afraid that they're all about to get fired and concerned that they can't find suitable positions elsewhere]
Miss Shirley Brahms: What we really want is one of them millionaires who's looking for a young girl Friday.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yeah. Or in Mrs. Slocombe's case, an old girl Saturday.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [Annoyed] Of course, there is one vacancy that requires to be filled: between Mr. Lucas's ears.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Never mind, Mrs. Slocombe. You can always fall back on your hobby.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Mr. Humphries, to what are you inferring?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, you can open a pet shop.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yeah! You can have a flashing light outside, saying: "If your pussy's in the mood / Have it clipped and then shampooed."


"Are You Being Served?: Calling All Customers (#9.4)" (1983)
Mrs. Slocombe: On the mantelpiece in my parlour I've got a whole row of silver cups.
C.B. Voice: Oh. And what are they for?
Mrs. Slocombe: They're for my pussy. Do you know, it wins a prize every time I show it!
[a crash is heard]
Mrs. Slocombe: Hello. Hello. What's happened.
Mr. Humphries: I think he's just pulled off for a coffee.


"Are You Being Served?: Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person (#7.4)" (1979)
Mr. Harry Goldberg: Oh, whatever's happening, Mr. Harman?
Mr. Beverley Harman: Mr. Rumbold's been taken queer!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Anything I can do?