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Quotes for
Mrs. Betty Slocombe (Character)
from "Are You Being Served?" (1972)

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"Are You Being Served?: His and Her's (#1.4)" (1973)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [signing in at work] Good morning, Captain Peacock. You're rather later than customary, are you not?
Captain Peacock: Well, apart from one or two other things, I had to get my wife off.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Off what?
Captain Peacock: Off on the train, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: [Mr. Rumbold has just informed the staff that Mr. Grainger's central trouser display was removed to make way for a new perfume display]
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Do you mean we're going to sell scent?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Yes, you could put it like that.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, if it's scent, why don't you clear some counter space in the ladies' department?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Precisely. Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying far too much underwear.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Are you suggesting, Mr. Grainger, that I should remove my underwear and put perfume there instead?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Are you suggesting that I should remove my trousers and put perfume there instead?

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I must point out that this is... a boardroom decision, and that the perfume in question is going to be on sale to both sexes, under the brand name of His and Hers.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, I'm not going to sell Hers, and I refuse to have anything to do with His.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Captain Peacock, I'm surprised at you. You, a happily married man.
Captain Peacock: Ah, would that be true.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, not another one.
Captain Peacock: After fourteen years, you don't know what it's like.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I didn't know what it was like after seven.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Are you free, Captain Peacock?
Captain Peacock: [looks about him] At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: This is the salesgirl from the scent people.
[gestures at the attractive Miss French]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [walks over, grabs Miss French's hand, and smiles broadly] Good morning. May I welcome you most cordially to Grace Brothers!
Captain Peacock: Oh, blimey.

Miss French: Excuse me, where's your changing room?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: May I enquire what purpose you want to know for?
Miss French: I want to change.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I'm sorry. Our rooms are not staff.
Miss French: Thank you for your help.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: It was a pleasure.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: It says what?
Miss Shirley Brahms: It says, "With every bottle of Hers, you get a free pair of stockings".

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: This thing must be stamped on, right now!

Captain Peacock: I'm just trying to think of the best way of handling it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Tell her to push off!

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: You've got to put something under them to get them going.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I've found that myself, lately.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Lucas: I beg your pardon, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Mr. Grainger's quoting from "Henry II", when he wanted to bump off Beckett.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, not my nice Mr. Beckett from Hardware?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: No, no, no. Mr. Grainger played Beckett in Grace Brothers' production of "Murder In The Cathedral".
Mr. Lucas: I'm sorry I missed that.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Mr. Grainger was very good, in spite of his gammy leg.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: He fell of the cathedral steps, and Mr. Rumbold and the lads had to murder him in the front row of the stalls.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: It was a very good round of applause.
Miss Shirley Brahms: [about Miss French] Are you suggesting then that we should stab her in the staff canteen?

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Please, please, please! Let's marshal all our facts, and find out precisely why this young lady left. Now, first of all, whose finger was it on the button that ruined the tape?
Captain Peacock: Well, it was my finger, but it...
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, no, no, no. Just the facts. Now, how did the other voice come into it?
Mr. Lucas: Well, I was talking through my hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Could you be more explicit?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, there was a microphone in his hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I see. Why?
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well... You see, Mr. Grainger said, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Did you say that, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Well, actually, Henry the Second said it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Perhaps I can explain. It wasn't Mr. Grainger who said it in the play, it was Becket. You remember, Mr. Rumbold, he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That's why he got such a good round of applause.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Now, I may be dense... but has the play got to do with this girl leaving?
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, you see, Mr. Grainger drew our attention to the fact that Henry the Second wanted to get rid of Becket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Becket?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Not Beckett from Hardware, no.

Captain Peacock: I would like to state at this point, that I had no hand in the girl's departure.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I should think not, with your eyes glued to her garters.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Mr. Granger's trousers are missing, and so is the central display stand.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I noticed as soon as I came in, didn't I, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas: Oh yes you did, Mr. Humphries. Yes, "My goodness," you said, "it's gone!" you said. "What?" I said. "Mr. Grainger's center display stand," you said. "Oh dear!" I said. "My goodness, Mr. Grainger will have a fit when he sees it," you said.
[Mr. Granger walks in, gasping with shock]
Mr. Lucas: And you were right.


"Are You Being Served?: Dear Sexy Knickers... (#1.1)" (1973)
Miss Brahms: [Miss Brahms and Mrs Slocombe realize they can see into the men's fitting room] Well, it wouldn't make the centre page of Cosmopolitan.
Mrs. Slocombe: Now that's something I just can't understand; why anybody wants to buy a women's magazine with a picture of a nude man in it. Ooh, I think it's awful!
Miss Brahms: I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, you couldn't see anything; his arm was in the way.

Captain Stephen Peacock: How are the sales going Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, in lingerie, pants are up and bras are down.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Better than the other way around, eh, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: Now, now, Captain Peacock, you mustn't say things like that in front of my little assistant.
Miss Brahms: Don't worry about me. I don't wear 'em.
[Captain Peacock looks at her]
Miss Brahms: Bras I mean.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm sure it's against staff regulations. But still I'm always prepared to look the other way.
Miss Brahms: Yeah, you could've fooled me.

Mrs. Slocombe: [about Captain Peacock] Ooh, I've no time for that man. He's got such cold eyes.
Miss Brahms: And such hot hands.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I wouldn't know about that. If he tried anything like that with me, I'd slap his chops.

Mrs. Slocombe: [about Mr. Lucas] He's so obliging, and he's such a gentleman. You know, yesterday when we were trapped in the lift alone together. He didn't try anything.
Miss Brahms: Didn't he?
Mrs. Slocombe: No, he just pressed the alarm bell and shouted for help.

Mrs. Slocombe: Are you free, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas: [looks about him] Yes, I'm afraid I am, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I was saying, I don't get out much nowadays, since Mr. Slocombe's no longer living at home. I mean, it's very difficult for a woman on her own. I mean you can't just go down to the pub for a quick drink with all those men ogling at you, can you? Well, not more than twice a week, anyway.
Miss Brahms: But what happened to the man on the bus, the one you gave your phone number to? Didn't he ring you?
Mrs. Slocombe: I think he did.
Miss Brahms: What do you mean you think he did?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it sounded like his heavy breathing, but I couldn't be certain.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: At the moment, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to Mr. Grainger, and he, on his part, also made a complaint about the view of the ladies' fitting room from his department.
Mrs. Slocombe: What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as broad-minded as we are.

Mrs. Slocombe: [reading Mr. Lucas' letter to Miss Brahms, thinking it is from Captain Peacock and meant for her] "Dear, Sexy Knickers... I don't have fancy you. Meet me outside at five thirty, and we'll get it together." Get what?
[realizing]
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, really.
Miss Brahms: I didn't think you had sexy knickers.
Mrs. Slocombe: As a matter of fact, they're directoire. Some men get quite worked up about them, you know.
Miss Brahms: Over directoire knickers?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, there is an air of mystery about them. Well, there was during the war anyway.
Miss Brahms: I suppose with all those bombs falling down at the time, it made 'em a bit more exciting. You gonna go?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, from the tone of the note, my first instict was to refuse but... well, he is the head of the department and I am at a loose end.
Miss Brahms: I'm not surprised, in directoire knickers.
Mrs. Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms. Well, of course, I shall have to give a reply. I think I shall be discreet and use the telephone.

Mrs. Slocombe: [seductively on the phone] Hello, Captain Peacock. This is Sexy Knickers.
Captain Stephen Peacock: [on the phone] Would you mind repeating that?
Mrs. Slocombe: This is Sexy Knickers.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That's what I thought you said. I beg your pardon, but am I speaking to a customer?
Mrs. Slocombe: [sly laugh] Naughty boy. Customer, indeed? Now, I'm not promising you anything, but I'll meet you outside at five thirty.
Captain Stephen Peacock: How shall I know you?
Mrs. Slocombe: [in her normal voice] What do you mean, how shall you know me? You sent me the note.
Captain Stephen Peacock: To whom am I speaking?
Mrs. Slocombe: Do you mean you really don't know?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I have no idea.
Mrs. Slocombe: Thank heaven for that.
[hangs up the phone]

Mrs. Slocombe: [about Captain Peacock] Have you shown him any encouragement?
Miss Brahms: I've never shown him anything!

Mr. Dick Lucas: Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, at the moment, Mr. Lucas.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to Mr. Grainger, and he, on his part, also made a complaint about the view of the ladies' fitting from his department.
Mrs. Slocombe: What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?


"Are You Being Served?: The Clock (#2.1)" (1974)
[Captain Peacock is reading the list of possible entrees for Mr. Grainger's anniversary dinner and voting on what to have for dinner]
Captain Peacock: Now, roast pheasant would be two pounds per head. Poule rôti...
Miss Brahms: You what?
Captain Peacock: Roast chicken. One pound fifty. Steak pie, one pound twenty five. Or macaroni cheese, one pound.
Mr. Lucas: I vote for macaroni cheese.
Mrs. Slocombe: [later] We can't give the poor old soul a dinner with macaroni cheese!
Mr. Lucas: Well he'd prefer it. Once he gets those teeth of his stuck into a pheasant, he'd be here all night.
Mr. Humphries: If we have the canteen steak pie, we'll all be here all night.
Miss Brahms: I'll go for the macaroni cheese, meself.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I think we should give him the chicken.
Captain Peacock: Any other votes for chicken?
Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'll go for chicken. It goes so well with the cabinet pudding and simulated cream.
Captain Peacock: Well, I... I favor chicken myself. So that's three votes for chicken, and two for macaroni cheese.
Mr. Humphries: And the steak pie loses its deposit.
Captain Peacock: So. ah... that means we have chicken. That will be ah... one pound fifty per head.

Mr. Grainger: [making a speech] Dear friends, my heart is very full.
Mrs. Slocombe: [turns her champagne glass over] My glass is very empty.

Mrs. Slocombe: And where is madam going for her honeymoon?
The Bridal Veil: Well, we're torn between Eastbourne and Brighton.
Mrs. Slocombe: It is difficult to make up one's mind, isn't it?
The Bridal Veil: It is.
Mrs. Slocombe: Why not compromise and try Beachy Head?

Mrs. Slocombe: [putting the Bridal Veil on the customer's head] There. How's that?
The Bridal Veil: It's a bit thick, isn't it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it looks lovely from our side.
The Bridal Veil: I can't see.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, you'll have someone holding your arm.
The Bridal Veil: But he won't recognize me.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, he'll know your voice, won't he?
Miss Brahms: Think of the surprise he's gonna get when he lifts it up.
Mrs. Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms.

Mr. Mash: Psst! Oi!
Mrs. Slocombe: Is that the way you usually attract a lady's attention, Mr. Mash?
Mr. Mash: No. Usually, I go up from behind and go... way-hey-hey!

Mr. Mash: 'Ere y'are, six pairs of tights... and six pairs of Pussy Boots.
Mrs. Slocombe: Six pairs of what?
Mr. Mash: Pussy Boots. Fur slippers. And we got a new sales gimmick as well for 'em. Here you are. Look at that.
Mrs. Slocombe: Whatever's that?
Mr. Mash: One electric pussy. Battery operated.

Captain Peacock: [talking about the menu for Mr. Grainger's anniversary dinner] A main course, which I shall bring up later.
Mrs. Slocombe: Won't we all?

Mrs. Slocombe: [drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks at though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon.
Mr. Humphries: She wants you to rip her tight elastic.

Mr. Humphries: You know what they say about vodka, Mrs Slocombe? One's all right, two's the most, three, under the table, four, under the host.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh! Oh, Mr. Humphries, what will you say next?
Mr. Humphries: Mr. Rumbold's the host.

Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock, Miss Brahms, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

[last lines]
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash, Mrs. Grainger: For he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.


"Are You Being Served?: Our Figures Are Slipping (#1.2)" (1973)
Mrs. Slocombe: Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold, Miss Brahms and I would like to complain about the state of our drawers. They're... They're a positive disgrace.
Mr. Rumbold: Your what, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: Our drawers. They're sticking. It's always the same in damp weather.
Mr. Rumbold: Really?
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms could hardly shift hers at all just now.
Mr. Lucas: [laughing] No wonder she was late.
Mrs. Slocombe: They sent up a man who put beeswax on them, but that made them worse.
Mr. Rumbold: I'm not surprised.
Miss Brahms: I think they need sandpapering.
Mr. Rumbold: Would that help, do you think, Peacock?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, you see, I puff French chalk on mine, and they're as smooth as silk.
Mr. Lucas: Perhaps you could puff some French chalk over Mrs. Slocombe's.
Mr. Rumbold: Would that solve your problem, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: They ought to be changed. I've had them ever since I've been here!

Mrs. Slocombe: Good morning, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Eight fifty-eight.
[hands her a pencil to sign in]
Mrs. Slocombe: As departmental head of ladies' ready-mades, I hardly think it necessary for me to clock in like a char.

Captain Stephen Peacock: What has happened to Miss Brahms?
Mrs. Slocombe: She isn't late, she's powdering her nose.
Captain Stephen Peacock: She ought to sign in first.
Mrs. Slocombe: It was very urgent that she powdered it when she did. And I gave her permission so to do.

Mrs. Slocombe: It's very short notice. There's my pussy to consider.

Miss Brahms: Honestly, it's the limit. They don't consider your private life at all.
Mrs. Slocombe: Did you have a date?
Miss Brahms: No, but I might have had.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Mr. Grainger is snoring on his chair] Poor old soul, he's been on his feet all day. He probably goes to sleep about this time on the train.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Rumbold: Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms: Mr. Grainger?
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms! Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms: Baldy?
Mr. Rumbold: One hesitates to lay hands on him. Still...
Mr. Lucas: Oh no, no, no. I wouldn't if I were you, Mr, Rumbold. No, no. Just think. Sudden shock, heart attack, kicks the bucket. News Of The World: "Aged Worker Dies At Hands Of Overseer". That wouldn't look good for Grace Brothers.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Excuse me, Captain Peacock. I think I know what to do.
[coughs]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, do you feel like having cocoa and buns, now?
Mrs. Slocombe: I never feel like having cocoa and buns. If I'd known the firm was going to be so stingy, I'd have gone out and had a Wimpy cheeseburger.
Mr. Rumbold: I believe there's some cheese in the buns.
Miss Brahms: I don't like cheese.
Mr. Lucas: There's not very much cheese in the buns.

Mr. Rumbold: [handing Mrs. Slocombe the jug of milk] Would you like to be mother, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, seeing as I'm not having any, I don't see why I should be lumbered pouring it out.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I hope your cat won't suffer unduly from its enforced confinement.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, it's not confined. It's shut up.


"Are You Being Served?: Pilot (#1.0)" (1972)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, Miss Brahms, pull your skirt down.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Well, we're not open.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That may be, but now that we are sharing our department with Gents Outfitting, it might pay us to be a little more circumspect.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I'm not having that common thing in my department.
Mr. Mash: You're just jealous, 'cause you can't do it.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [Mr. Lucas has gone to get a mannequin head for Mrs. Slocombe] Oh, and hurry up with that head, Mr. Lucas. It's nearly opening time.

Captain Stephen Peacock: [to Mrs. Slocombe] With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh... Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Neither would I.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Good morning, Mr. Grainger. Are you free?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: [looks about him] Er... Yes, I'm free.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, that isn't what I understood when I agreed to share my department with you.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: May I remind you, that I am not sharing with you. You are sharing with me.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, what's the difference?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: The difference, Mrs. Slocombe, is that you are not going to get that stand.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I see. Well... I shall have to go over your head, which won't be all that difficult.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, it's like this, Captain Peacock. When I agreed to move my department down here, I understood that I was to have proper display facilities. Well, I've just asked... very politely asked Mr. Grainger, to accommodate me on the centre stand, and he as good as told me to get stuffed.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That doesn't sound like our Mr. Grainger.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Those weren't his exact words, but that's what he implied.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, ah, what did you expect me to do, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, I thought that as you were in command here, you'd tell him where he got off.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well, erm, you must understand, Mrs. Slocombe...
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, come now... Betty.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Betty. As I was saying, you must understand, Mrs. Slocombe, that Mr. Grainger has been here a very, very long time.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Then it's time he went.
Captain Stephen Peacock: It's hardly your place to decide that.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: You mean, you're just going to stand there, and let him walk all over me?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I don't think there's much danger of that.
[laughs]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: What are you going to do?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I shall go and have a word with him, and, and hear his side of it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: But I told you his side of it.
Captain Stephen Peacock: You must leave me to me, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Very well, Captain Peacock.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Furthermore, I don't happen to have a baby, and if I did have a baby, it would have nothing to do with whether I had my underwear up or not.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: What's me not having a baby, got to do with him not taking his trousers down?


"Are You Being Served?: Camping In (#1.3)" (1973)
Mrs. Slocombe: In fact, that's how I met my husband, during an air raid. The bombs were raining down, and I saw his face, lit by an incendiary. He threw me on my face and said, "Look out - here comes a big one!"
Mr. Lucas: I suppose there wasn't much time for chatting in those days.

Miss Brahms: Mrs Slocombe, that man's been hanging round our underwear counter for the past ten minutes.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh dear. Do you think he's one of those?
Miss Brahms: One of what?
Mrs. Slocombe: A Bon Voyeur. Y'know, they're the people who look but don't touch.
Miss Brahms: Ooh, I've never been out with one of those.

Mrs. Slocombe: Are you being served, sir?
The Large Bra Customer: Uh, no. Do you have a male assistant on this counter?
Mrs. Slocombe: No, sir. This is ladies underwear.
The Large Bra Customer: I just thought you might have a man to help you.
Mrs. Slocombe: No, sir. There isn't much demand for that sort of thing at Grace Brothers.
The Large Bra Customer: Ah. Well, er... I want to purchase a bra.
Miss Brahms: [surprised] What size do you take?
Mrs. Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms.
The Large Bra Customer: Oh, no. It's for my fiancée. She's a young girl.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, congratulations. Have you any idea what size the young lady takes?
The Large Bra Customer: Well...
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms, go and polish something.
The Large Bra Customer: [hands Mrs Slocombe a brassiere] I managed to knock this off when she wasn't looking.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, how clever of you
[examining the garment]
Mrs. Slocombe: Mmm, she's a healthy girl, isn't she. Miss Brahms, get out the 44s. The Kilimanjaro range.

Mrs. Slocombe: I was blowing up my air bed and it takes puff after puff after puff.
Mr. Humphries: Can I help anybody?
Mrs. Slocombe: No, thank you, Mr. Humphries. I've managed.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, what is Miss Brahms doing in that tent?
Mrs. Slocombe: Knowing you, I'm surprised you haven't looked.
Miss Brahms: He has and I was putting on me pajamas.
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock!
Captain Stephen Peacock: The point is, Mrs. Slocombe, that this large tent is for yourself and Miss Brahms.
Mrs. Slocombe: There's going to be no one in my boudoir when I blow out the candle.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I have no other accommodation. Where am I supposed to bivouac?
Mrs. Slocombe: I don't care, whack. It's nothing to do with me.

Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you free?

Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, well, I suppose they're better than nothing.
Mr. Mash: I think I'd prefer you in nothing.

Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms, our sleepwear has arrived.
Mr. Mash: What size are you?
Miss Brahms: Oh, not for me thanks. I never wear anything in bed. I don't like rough things next to my skin.
Mr. Mash: You're lucky you ain't got me in there with ya!
Mrs. Slocombe: You will wear pajamas tonight, Miss Brahms. Suppose there was a fire and you had no clothes on?
Miss Brahms: Ooh, I'd be first to be rescued.

The 38C Cup: [Comes out of the fitting room wearing nothing but her panties and the bra she was trying on] Have you got anything cut a bit lower?
Mrs. Slocombe: [gasps in shock and covers her with a large hat] Would you mind remaining in the fitting room, madam? You see, we share this floor with gents ready-mades, and they've got eyes like hawks!


"Are You Being Served?: The Think Tank (#2.3)" (1974)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Oh, good morning, Mrs. Slocombe. Good morning, Miss Brahms.
[looks at his watch]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, just on the dot.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, I'm worn out to start with. I have stood standing in the bus all the way, and not one man offered me a seat.
Miss Shirley Brahms: You should do what I do. - Shove a shopping bag up your coat and stagger a bit.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That's the trouble with all you ladies. You want equality, but you're prepared to stand up for it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Ooh, you're very sharp today, aren't you?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Quite right, Captain Pecock. They're all the same these days. You take girls out and they all want equality until the waiter brings the bill.
Miss Shirley Brahms: That's because of what you want after the waiter's brought the bill.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, we don't get it, how many offer to split it down the middle?

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: They're not even looking like they used to. I mean, there was a time when you'd go up to a customer, say "Excuse me, Sir, are you being served?", and they'd say "no, just looking". Now they don't even come in. It's most frustrating, isn't it, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Most frustrating. Trousers are at a complete stand still.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: You're lucky to get your tape up once a day.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, my corsets have been down for over a fortnight.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, I'm dying for a cup of coffee.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: So am I. I want one to take my pill.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you on the Pill?

Captain Stephen Peacock: After I came out of the army, I made a study of sales technique. Now, there was a theory that a moving display has more impact than a... than a static one.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] True.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, I suppose you mean we should have our trousers moving about more.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: How do we achieve that?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Couple of dozen pairs of electric legs.
[laughs]
Captain Stephen Peacock: I'm being quite serious, Mr. Lucas.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, how does that affect my department?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, do we have lots of electric knickers jumping up and down on the counter?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Wouldn't that be very expensive?
Mr. Dick Lucas: You could have Mrs. Slocombe jumping up and down on the counter. That should make a big enough impact!
[laughs]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That's it. I am withdrawing to the canteen.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [to Mr. Lucas] I shall accept your gracious apology, but I, I suggest that for the rest of this discussion, you shut your cake hole.

Captain Stephen Peacock: I mean a down to earth fashion show, where we demonstrate to the man in the street that we sell ordinary clothes that are well within the reach of his pocket.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: And what about the woman in the street?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Unisex!
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I, I mean a show for both sexes. I don't think your idea for a men's fashion show would get us anywhere. But my idea for a... a unisex show seems very original.
Miss Shirley Brahms: But I thought unisex meant men and women in the same clothes.
Mr. Dick Lucas: It does!
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Does it? Perhaps I meant bisexual.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: No, I don't think you meant that, Mr. Rumbold.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Perhaps we should call it A Man And Woman's Fashion Parade.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Or better still, "Male And Female Modes On The Move". Yes, that's it. I don't think your idea for "A Man And Woman's Fashion Parade" would have any appeal at all, but my idea for "Male And Female Modes On The Move" has fantastic appeal. Agreed?
Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, yes, Mr. Rumbold, yes. What a pity you couldn't have thought of something like that, Captain Peacock.

[last lines]
Young Mr. Grace: Well, goodbye, everybody.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe, Mr. Dick Lucas, Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Goodbye, Mr. Grace.
Young Mr. Grace: Goodbye. You've all done very well!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe, Mr. Dick Lucas, Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.


"Are You Being Served?: Cold Comfort (#2.2)" (1974)
Captain Peacock: Good morning Mrs Slocombe, Miss Brahms. You're one minute late.
Mrs. Slocombe: You're lucky to have me at all, Captain Peacock. I had to thaw me pussy out before I came. He'd been out all night.

Miss Shirley Brahms: Ooh, d'you know I wish I put on my thicker knickers this morning.
Captain Peacock: You know, you young girls today don't wear enough clothes.
Miss Shirley Brahms: And how would you know?
Captain Peacock: Well, I keep warm with this. See? The commando's used to wear them during the war. You'd do well to do the same.
Miss Shirley Brahms: What? String knickers? You must be joking.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well I think it's ridiculous expecting us to fit a customer with a bra in this weather.

Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Peacock: At the moment, yes.
Mrs. Slocombe: Could I have a word with you?
Captain Peacock: Certainly.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it's rather personal.
Captain Peacock: Ah.
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms has just been and it's frozen over.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
Mrs. Slocombe: The ladies. It's solid.
Captain Peacock: I see. But what exactly do you expect me to do about it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I thought I'd ask you if umm... we could use the gents. It's rather urgent.
Captain Peacock: Yes, well, I'll uh have a word with Mr. Grainger. You must go through the right channels, you know.
Mrs. Slocombe: Yeah, well, don't be too long.
[Miss Brahm's mouths "But it's cold"]
Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Err, yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Umm, a slightly delicate situation has arisen. It appears...
[whispers what has had happened into Mr. Grainger's ear]
Mrs. Slocombe: He's asking Grainger.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, fancy telling Grainger I wanted to go.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I understand, Captain Peacock. Of course, I shall have to consult my colleagues. Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] We're free.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh, he'll be sending for Doctor Kissinger in a minute.
Miss Shirley Brahms: It's degrading. He's telling them all now.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Why can't she use the one in the bargain basement?
Mr Humphries: Yes, or the public one on the sports floor?

Young Mr. Grace: Good morning, everybody.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Good morning, Mr. Grace.
Young Mr. Grace: I think you've all done very well, working in these cold conditions.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr. Grace: Carry on. You've all done very well.
Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

[last lines]
Mrs. Slocombe: Actually, I have a confession to make. I took the liberty of having a little nip of something to keep me warm.
Captain Peacock: I wouldn't have minded a drop myself, Betty.
Mrs. Slocombe: Be my guest, Stephen. It's secreted in the perfume display.
Captain Peacock: How ingenious?
[laughs]
Mrs. Slocombe: [picks up the wrong perfume bottle] Open your mouth.
Captain Peacock: As there are no customers around.
Mrs. Slocombe: This'll put the roses back in your cheeks.
Captain Peacock: [Mrs. Slocombe sprays perfume in Captain Peacock's mouth] Agh! Ooh!

Captain Peacock: [after a lengthy and embarrassing consultation with the Men's Department on whether Miss Brahms can use their toilet since the one in the ladies department is frozen and unusable] They've agreed.
Mrs. Slocombe: There you are, Miss Brahms!
Miss Shirley Brahms: I don't want to go, now.


"Are You Being Served?: The Hand of Fate (#3.1)" (1975)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [to Mr. Grainger, Mr. Humphries, Miss Brahms and Mr. Lucas] Y'know, animals are very psychic. I mean the least sign of danger, and my pussy's hair stands on end like a golliwog!

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [reading Mrs Slocomb'e palm] Oh, you have a very pronounced Mount of Venus!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Mr. Lucas, one sarky remark from you, I go straight to Captain Peacock!

[first lines]
Mr. Mash: 'Ere.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I do not answer to "'ere", Mr. Mash.
Mr. Mash: Alright, then. - Oi!
[blows raspberry]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: What is it, Mr. Mash?
Mr. Mash: Did you put in an order for twenty seven galvanized buckets?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: And what would I be doing in Ladies' department with twenty seven galvanised buckets? This is Ladies' department, not a farmyard.
Mr. Mash: Well you could be milking a jersey.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Are you being served, Madam?
Lady Customer: No. I'd like to try one of these Princess Anne hats, please.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Certainly, Madam. They've just come in.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to Mrs. Slocombe] Well, I used to have these funny turns, you see. When I was fifteen, I had the sensation of floating out of my body and looking down at myself lying in bed in my pyjamas.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: What were you doing?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Nothing. I was just lying there.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Ooh, isn't it creepy?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I've learned to do it at will since then. I can pop out of my body whenever I like.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, I wish I could.
Mr. Dick Lucas: If I had a body like hers, I wouldn't come back.
[Mrs. Slocombe stands and glares at him]
Mr. Dick Lucas: I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe. Just a joke. Just a joke, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: When I first joined Grace Brothers, juniors weren't allowed to sit with the seniors.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Are you free, Captain Peacock?
Captain Stephen Peacock: At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, it's like this, Stephen. If you do take over from Mr. Rumbold, that would leave your position here vacant, would it not?
Captain Stephen Peacock: That is true, yes.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: And I am sure you will take over, because with your military background and your big forefinger, you're born to lead.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, I suppose advancement was inevitable.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: And I suppose it will be up to you to recommend someone to take your place.
Captain Stephen Peacock: No doubt it will.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, I think that it's time that we had a change of sex on the floor.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Do I understand that you're recommending Mr. Humphries?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [laughs] No, no, no, no, no. I'm recommending me.


"Are You Being Served?: Hoorah for the Holidays (#2.5)" (1974)
Mrs. Slocombe: [the staff have each been offered five pounds to cover the cost of having to take their holidays while the store is decorated] You'll have to up the anti, Mr. Rumbold. I mean, five pounds goes nowhere. A loaf of bread costs three shillings. Five pounds is only thirty-five loaves!
Mr. Humphries: And where can you go on holiday for thirty-five loaves?
Mr. Lucas: It doesn't buy much crumpet, either.
Mr. Grainger: I don't get the enjoyment out of it that I used to in the old days.
Mr. Lucas: What, the crumpet?
Mr. Grainger: No. The bread!

Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, Mr. Rumbold, I hope this isn't going to take long. - My pussy's been locked up for eight hours and I'm afraid it's just not convenient.

Mr. Rumbold: [describing possible locations for the staff holiday] "Belly-dancing and sword-swallowing are a nightly attraction for the diners as they sit, cross-legged, on their jhibos, toying with their couscous
[to Mr. Humphries]
Mr. Rumbold: I think a jhibo must be some sort of cushion!
Mr. Humphries: I was going to ask you about that.
Mr. Grainger: What exactly is a couscous?
Captain Peacock: It's a... It's an Arabic, sagoey sort of dish. You eat it with the cut-off ear of a sheep.
Mr. Grainger: Eurgh!
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I'm not sitting on my jhibo in a Foreign Legion fort, toying with me couscous. Not even with a knife and fork!
Mr. Rumbold: I thought it sounded rather fun.

Mr. Grainger: You have my support, Stephen.
Mrs. Slocombe: And mine.
Mr. Lucas: I'm right behind you, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Humphries: I'm right behind you, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas: I'd rather you were behind Captain Peacock.

[last lines]
Young Mr. Grace: Oh, yes, there's just one thing. - The decorators cant make August, so you'll have to take the last two weeks in November.
Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Rumbold, Captain Peacock, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Mash: November?
Captain Peacock: Where can you go in November? It's out of season!
Mr. Grainger: Oh, no, it's alright. You can all come and stay at Mrs. Featherstone's. I have a photograph here.
Mr. Lucas: Ah, well, there's one consolation. - If we all go to Mrs. Featherstone's, we won't have to go forty miles to find a pot there.

Mrs. Slocombe: I hope this meeting isn't going to take long. My pussy's been locked up for eight hours and I'm afraid it's just not convenient.
Miss Shirley Brahms: And I've got to be back in time for Top of the Pops.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, do you watch that?
Miss Shirley Brahms: No, but someone's got to hold me mum back when Gary Glitter comes on.
Mrs. Slocombe: Does she fancy him?
Miss Shirley Brahms: No. She kicks the set in!


"Are You Being Served?: Big Brother (#2.4)" (1974)
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, Captain Peacock. I wonder if you'd run an eye over my chits? I keep totting them up wrong and your maths is better than mine.

[first lines]
Mrs. Slocombe: There you are, Madam, plenty of give in the leg and completely draught proof.
Underwear Customer: No, I don't think I fancy them.
Mrs. Slocombe: Very few people do... But they're very practical in this chilly weather. Of course, it's for Madam to decide.

Mrs. Slocombe: Goodbye, Madam. Thank you so much!
[customer walks away]
Mrs. Slocombe: Fussy old bag.

Miss Shirley Brahms: Honestly, I can't understand why people want to buy old-fashioned underwear like this. I mean, that's not gonna turn her old man on, is it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Perhaps she wants to turn him off.

Miss Shirley Brahms: [to Captain Peacock] You ought to have 'em cut off.
Mrs. Slocombe: Have what cut off?
Miss Shirley Brahms: His hands. He's like an octopus. - They're all over the place.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, I know, and so cold.

Mrs. Slocombe: [Everyone is hesitating to confront the suspicious-looking man] Oh, you're as weak as water! WEAK AS WATER!
[Marches over, display bust in hand]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Be careful!
Mrs. Slocombe: Hey, you!
[Smashes it over the man's head and he falls to the floor]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, his mustache has come off...
Miss Shirley Brahms: [Sees who was under the false hair] Oh! It's the store detective!
Captain Stephen Peacock: [addresses the CCTV camera] I did advise caution!


"Are You Being Served?: German Week (#3.6)" (1975)
Mrs. Slocombe: I won't forget being thrown flat on my back on Clapham Common by a landmine. And the German Air Force was responsible!
Mr. Lucas: All the other times she was flat on her back, the American Air Force was responsible.

[on having to stay for a meeting after working hours]
Mrs. Slocombe: You know, this sort of thing just isn't fair on my pussy. She has a go at the furniture if I'm not there prompt.

Mrs. Slocombe: You know, there's only two things I like about Germany: Curt Jurgens and Gorgonzola.
Miss Brahms: Gorgonzola isn't German!
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh. Then there's only one thing I like... No! I tell a lie. I like Irving Berlin!

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, where are we in our conference?
Mr. Humphries: Mrs. Slocombe was remembering being flat on her back on Clapham Common.
Mrs. Slocombe: Can we knock it off, please?
Mr. Lucas: She even remembers what she said!

[discussing the German signs]
Mrs. Slocombe: One dear old lady customer of mine got a terrible shock. She was caught short and walked straight through the door marked "Herren".
Captain Peacock: You should have directed her to the door marked "Damen".
Mrs. Slocombe: I didn't have time. She saw the word "Her" and was off!
Mr. Grainger: And I'm here to tell you that she won't make the same mistake again.


"Are You Being Served?: Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend (#1.5)" (1973)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Miss Brahms...?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, I know, Captain Peacock. I'm late.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Not good enough, Miss Brahms. You are fifteen minutes late. What would happen if everybody else was fifteen minutes late?
Miss Shirley Brahms: The store would open at quarter past.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Don't be cheeky, Miss Brahms. Captain Peacock is quite within his rights to dress you down.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Have you an explanation?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes. It's Friday. I haven't got any money. And I couldn't afford the bus fare. I had to hitchhike.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well you should have left home earlier.
Miss Shirley Brahms: I did. I stood on the corner, and lifted my skirt and showed a bit of stocking like Marilyn Monroe did in "Bus Stop".
Captain Stephen Peacock: What happened?
Miss Shirley Brahms: The bus crashed and I had to make a statement.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: The same thing happened to me once, with a Centurion tank.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Were you trying to stop it, Mrs. Slocombe, or were you driving it?

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: You know, you really should try to make your money last out the week, Miss Brahms.
Miss Shirley Brahms: I can't even make it last the weekend.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: What do you spend it on?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Clothes.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Clothes?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, clothes. So the boys will ask me out to dinner.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Yes, but if you didn't spend it on clothes, you could stay at home and, and cook something for yourself.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, I can't afford to buy food for meself. It's too expensive.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Yes, but you could afford it if you didn't spend your money on clothes.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, well if I spent my money on food, I couldn't afford to spend it on the clothes, so the boys would ask me out to dinner.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I just don't understand young people nowadays. I just don't understand what your talking about.
Miss Shirley Brahms: I just like going out, that's all.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: My dear girl, I could be wined and dined every night if I wanted to. If it wasn't for that awful wrestling match in the car when you got home. Those roving hands, and the sloppy kisses and the fight to get the door open and escape.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Did many of them get away, Mrs Slocombe?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Go and check the till, Miss Brahms!

Miss Shirley Brahms: Is that about it, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Perfect, Miss Brahams. There, you see, Madam, with the shorter hem, and the alterations to the sleeves, and... a bit taken out of the back and... , oh yes... , the shoulders adjusted and the buttons moved... It'll fit you like a glove.
The Outsize Dress: Wouldn't it be easier to get one in my size?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: But it's an unrepeatable offer.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, it's last year's stock.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, I came to say that I haven't found the diamond.
Miss Shirley Brahms: And I haven't found it, either.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: But if Miss Brahms or I did find it, we feel, and I am unanimous in this, that we ought to get a bigger cut.


"Are You Being Served?: Anything You Can Do (#7.6)" (1979)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I just do simple cooking to my own taste. But you'll never see a dirty plate in my kitchen. And if there are any left-overs, my pussy gobbles them up in a flash!

Mrs. Slocombe: [discussing how the world began] Apparently it all started out as thick soup, with little orgasms crawlin' 'round in it.

[in the canteen kitchen, Mr. Humphries sees something on the floor, screams and leaps into Mrs. Slocombe's arms]
Mrs. Slocombe: Was it a mouse, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: Don't be silly, Mrs. Slocombe. Only women are frightened of mice.
Mr. Lucas: What was it?
Mr. Humphries: A frog!

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Speaking for myself, and I am unanimous in this, I think they ought to get rid of the lot of them and get some decent staff in.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yeah, we could run that canteen better than what they does.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: "Do", Miss Brahms.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yeah, well, we could run the canteen better than what they does do!... That don't sound right, do it?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: It certainly don't, Miss Brahms.


"Are You Being Served?: No Sale (#4.1)" (1976)
Captain Peacock: To your places, everybody. Mrs. Slocombe, uncover your bust, please.
Mrs. Slocombe: I beg your pardon, Captain Peacock!
Captain Peacock: Your counter bust, Mrs Slocombe. Were ready for business.

Captain Stephen Peacock: At least you're here on time, Mrs Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Time for what? We wont have any customers, y'know. And what it's doing to my domestic arrangements! Having a bath at six o'clock in the morning played havoc with my pussy!

[Mrs. Slocombe has just taken a ride on Miss Brahms' uncle's motorcycle]
Mrs. Slocombe: When you said he was a TT driver, I thought you meant he didn't drink!

Mrs. Slocombe: [the lady in a hurry is trying on hats as fast as she can. Miss Brahms passes the lady a white hat to try on] This is the last one of these - it was a very exclusive line. Oh, that DOES suit madam.
[Miss Brahms passes her a light blue hat]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
[Miss Brahms passes her a dark blue hat]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
[Miss Brahms passes her a yellow hat]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
[Miss Brahms passes her the hat box lid by mistake]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
[the lady tries on the light blue hat again]
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam...
Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, your needle's stuck in the groove!


"Are You Being Served?: Christmas Crackers (#3.9)" (1975)
Mrs. Slocombe: I hope we're not going to be late tonight. I've left Winston clinging to the curtain rail. He refuses to come down. The mere sight of my pussy drives him mad.
Mr. Lucas: Is Winston the lodger?
Mrs. Slocombe: No, no, no... he's my canary. He got out while I were changing his sand paper.

[Mrs. Slocombe is in a Robin Hood costume]
Mrs. Slocombe: Do I have to have this funny quiver 'round the back?
Mr. Lucas: You've always had a funny quiver 'round the back.

[Everyone sings a song 'Christmas time is here"]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Holly, mistletoe, big fir trees And once again a splendid reason To celebrate the festive season, Christmas time is here!
Mr. Mash: I've knocked up a land enchanted, Christmas trees freshly planted. And the reason for my smile- The overtime made it worthwhile!
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I, although a senior member, Get lightheaded in November.
Mr. Lucas: That's why he's dressed up as an egg, And I've lost half my inside leg.
Mrs. Slocombe: Speaking on behalf of blouses, It's rather drafty 'round the houses.
Miss Shirley Brahms: That must be why I saw you shiver.
Captain Stephen Peacock: You should have worn a bigger quiver!
[all sing chorus]
Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Even we so far above you At Christmas time just want to love you.
Captain Stephen Peacock: I, after all, must be a sport.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: I trust I shan't be taken short.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Mr. Humphries looks so charming.
Mrs. Slocombe: It's his smile that's so disarming.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: How kind! But if I were a prince I'd still like Christmas pud and mince.
[all sing chorus]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [Young Mr. Grace is brought in]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Young Mr. Grace!
Mrs. Slocombe: And there's the bell!
Captain Stephen Peacock, Mr. Mash, Mr. Ernest Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Shirley Brahms, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Sit down, sir; you've done very well! We're so happy with our grotto
Mr. Mash: Here's a bottle. Let's get blotto!


"Are You Being Served?: Shoulder to Shoulder (#3.7)" (1975)
[Captain Peacock beckons Mrs. Slocombe with a wave]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I do not respond to waves.
Miss Shirley Brahms: What about that man you met on your holiday?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, that was different; he was waving from his yacht!
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Comes over] Didn't you see me signal to summon you?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, is that what it was? We thought you had a fly buzzing round your hooter!

Mr. Dick Lucas: You nearly got me the sack then.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: You should have been put in one at birth.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Men! I never want to work with men again!
Miss Shirley Brahms: I thought it was very mean of Mr. Grainger not to lend you his pencil when you lost yours.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: It was typical!
Miss Shirley Brahms: But never mind, I've got our own back. You know how he always licks the end of his pencil before he makes out a bill? Well, I substituted it with one from the joke department, so when he licks the end this time it'll go all fizzy.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh Miss Brahms! That was VERY naughty!
[Suddenly dissolves into evil snickers]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I can't wait to see his face when he licks it! That's if he can see which end to lick!
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yeah...
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, that's why they're not here. Can't find his glasses.
Miss Shirley Brahms: How do you know?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: They're in my handbag!


"Are You Being Served?: Fire Practice (#4.4)" (1976)
Mrs. Slocombe: [a female dummy has been brought in from the fire station so that the staff can practice mouth-to-mouth resuscitation] That's typical! It HAS to be a woman, they CAN'T have a man! It's sexual discrimination.
Mr. Beverley Harman: You try getting a bunch of burly firemen to kiss a facsimile of Steve McQueen!

Mrs. Slocombe: What's going on?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Ooh, I've... I've worked it all out.
[speaking about Capt. Peacock]
Miss Shirley Brahms: When he was in the desert, he put this Arab bird in the club, and now he's getting his comeuppance.

The Emir's Chief Assistant: The Emir wishes his wives to look like European women. Can you show us models?
Captain Peacock: Well, I'm afraid we don't have "models" here, but I can show you two typical European women. Mrs. Slocome, Miss Brahms, forward please.
Mrs. Slocombe: [Mrs. Slocombe steps forward and bows] Salaam.
Miss Shirley Brahms: [Miss Brahms does the same] Salami.


"Are You Being Served?: The Old Order Changes (#5.4)" (1977)
Mr. Grainger: Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Slocombe: Drop dead.

Mrs. Slocombe: I hope this isn't going to take long, Captain Peacock. The last time I was late, a fireman had to climb out of my bedroom window and risk his life on a narrow ledge, trying to grab hold of my pussy.
Mr. Lucas: They're very brave, these firemen.


"Are You Being Served?: New Look (#3.8)" (1975)
Miss Brahms: And we could have those lovely big potted plants - you know, the ones with the big leaves.
Mr. Rumbold: You mean palms?
Mrs. Slocombe: That's right. The feel of the '20s.
Mr. Lucas: Yeah, I'm very fond of a feel of the 20s.

[about a possible loud-speaker system]
Mrs. Slocombe: And then you get a deep voice saying, "Frozen Foods. Peas are down today," and things like that.
Mr. Lucas: That's a very good idea, that. I could just see that now. "Bing! This is the Ladies' Department. Knickers are down today." We'll all get killed in the rush.


"Are You Being Served?: The Apartment (#7.3)" (1979)
[cat hisses]
Mrs. Slocombe: Mr. Humphries, leave my pussy alone.

[Mrs Slocombe is in the middle of moving house and has had to bring her cat and budgie to work]
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs Slocombe, there is a strict rule that staff may not bring pets to the store!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, y'know how clumsy those removal men are. I'm not having them handling my pussy!


"Are You Being Served?: The Club (#6.2)" (1978)
Mr. Percival Tebbs: No one was allowed into the Club without his tie.
Miss Brahms: But girls don't wear ties.
Mr. Lucas: You could have Club Drawers
Mr. Humphries: Mrs Slocombe wouldn't be allowed in without her drawers.
Mr. Lucas: [Mrs Slocombe and Mr Lucas stand up] It wasn't me, it was him
[points to Mr Humphries]
Mrs. Slocombe: Mr Humphries, I'm surprised at you!

Mrs. Slocombe: [Handing a bosomy customer a shopping bag] There we are, madam. Thank you so much for your custom. And if the D cup isn't comfy, do bring it back. We'll see what we can do with the hat stretcher.


"Are You Being Served?: The Father Christmas Affair (#4.7)" (1976)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [a faulty Father Christmas mechanical display has just opened his arms, revealing that he's naked underneath] I wonder what that costs?
Mr. James: Why, do you wanna buy one?

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Mrs. Slocombe is dressed as Father Christmas] What are you playing at, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I'm not playing at nothing! Only I would ask you to remember that Parliament has passed the Sexual Relations Act, which states that women are just as good at it as men! And, what's more, they should be paid the same for doing it!
Captain Stephen Peacock: What exactly are you suggesting, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That I should be allowed to have a go at Father Christmas.


"Are You Being Served?: Mrs. Slocombe Expects (#5.1)" (1977)
Mrs. Slocombe: Sorry I'm late. The central heating broke down. I had to light the oven and hold my pussy in front of it. Poor little thing. Its tail had been hanging out of its basket all night long!

Captain Peacock: [ordering Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas to get dressed and pretend to be customers] Oh, and you don't have to use your own clothes, you can pick up something from the stockroom.
[pause]
Captain Peacock: The gents' stockroom, Mr. Humphries.
[walks across to the women's counter]
Captain Peacock: Is Miss Brahms ready yet?
Mrs. Slocombe: I'll just call her.
[Turns towards the fitting rooms]
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms?
[Miss Brahms enters in a low-cut and short-skirted dress, while Mr Humphries and Mr Lucas give a vocal rendition of "The Stripper"]
Captain Peacock: Miss Brahms, you're supposed to be buying, not selling!


"Are You Being Served?: A Bliss Girl (#6.5)" (1978)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe.
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Signals with his finger for Mrs. Slocombe to come over to him]
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock! I do not respond to any man's finger!
Mr. Humphries: I used to have an aunt that said that. A maiden aunt.

Lady Customer: Mrs. Slocombe.
Lady Customer: [Signals with his finger for Mrs. Slocombe to come over to him]
Mr. Humphries: [Irate] Captain Peacock! I do not respond to any man's finger!
Mrs. Slocombe: I used to have an aunt that said that. A maiden aunt.


"Are You Being Served?: Friends and Neighbours (#10.6)" (1985)
Captain Peacock: [after suggesting sharing a flat on the top floor of Grace Brothers with Miss Belfridge] Going up here, just relaxing, it could regenerate one!
Mrs. Slocombe: [smirks at Miss Brahms] It could even regenerate two.

Mrs. Slocombe: [Cedric and his mother walk up to the counter] Oh, what a dear little boy!
[Cedric shoots her in the face with his water gun]
Lady Customer: [observing Mrs. Slocombe being shot with the water gun] It's his birthday.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh! What a pity I can't give him something.


"Are You Being Served?: Do You Take This Man? (#6.3)" (1978)
Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe is going to get married!
Mr. Percival Tebbs: Has she been advertising again?
Miss Shirley Brahms: He got her with his bazooka.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, she's a big enough target.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [irritated] BouzouKI, Miss Brahms.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Ooh yeah, he's a Greek banjo player!

Mr. Percival Tebbs: Mrs. Slocombe, I've always had a great affection for you. Does this mean that we're going to lose you?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh no, I've no plans to leave!
Mr. Percival Tebbs: Oh... dammit.


"Are You Being Served?: Goodbye Mr. Grainger (#5.6)" (1977)
Mrs. Slocombe: There you are, madam: I hope the garment gives every satisfaction
Corset Customer: And you really think this type of corset will keep my figure under control?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, the stiffeners are the best quality whale bone
Corset Customer: Yes, but will they be strong enough?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, they're strong enough for the whale!

[Mr. Grainger has just apologized for his rude behaviour towards the staff]
Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Our colleague has just uttered the most difficult words in the English language: I'm sorry.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it's his own fault.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That's what makes it so difficult.
Mrs. Slocombe: You know, it's the sort of thing that saints do. I wonder if he's had some spiritual awakening. You know, it's the sort of thing that happened to Saint Joan when them soldiers lit them faggots under her feet.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: That was enough to make anybody sit up and take notice!


"Are You Being Served?: Calling All Customers (#9.4)" (1983)
Mrs. Slocombe: On the mantelpiece in my parlour I've got a whole row of silver cups.
C.B. Voice: Oh. And what are they for?
Mrs. Slocombe: They're for my pussy. Do you know, it wins a prize every time I show it!
[a crash is heard]
Mrs. Slocombe: Hello. Hello. What's happened.
Mr. Humphries: I think he's just pulled off for a coffee.

[Mrs. Slocombe has entered a story she wrote into a contest]
Mr. Rumbold: I think the heroine ought to be ten years younger to make it believable... she takes an herbal bath on nearly every page.
Mrs. Slocombe: A lot of men prefer older women. I mean, what about that Joan Collins in Dynasty.
Mr. Rumbold: Yes, but she doesn't jump into trucks at 80 miles an hour with a spanner in one hand, saying, "Hand over your smoky or I'll put the boot in."


"Are You Being Served?: Oh What a Tangled Web (#4.6)" (1976)
Captain Stephen Peacock: [Captain Peacock has arrived very late to work after an alleged affair with Mr. Rumbold's secretary] Good morning, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh, good morning, Captain Peacock!
Captain Stephen Peacock: Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Good *afternoon,* Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, I am a bit late. There's a reason, of course.
Mr. James: Yes, and here it comes.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to the camera] And the next object is: a lie. A lie.

Mrs. Peacock: Is that her?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: That is my secretary, yes.
[Mrs. Peacock breaks down sobbing]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Do you know, when I was in the navy, we had a petty officer just like that.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I notice she didn't burst into tears when she thought it was me.
Mr. Dick Lucas: [dryly] Funny, that.


"Are You Being Served?: A Change Is as Good as a Rest (#5.2)" (1977)
Captain Peacock: In this area we have the mechanical cuddlies
Mrs. Slocombe: But they're all dogs. Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?
Captain Peacock: I am told that people prefer the real thing.

Bridal Doll Customer: I'd like to buy a bridal doll for my little girl.
Mrs. Slocombe: Certainly, madam. Brides, Miss Brahms. Will it be a registry office or a church wedding?
Bridal Doll Customer: Church, I think.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, you're so wise, madam. It's so much more romantic, isn't it? Now, this one retails for 20.50.
Bridal Doll Customer: Oh, it's a lot, isn't it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Ah, well, it comes complete with bridegroon, and the full trousseau. And if you pull this cord, it talks.
Bridal Doll: [Cord is pulled from its back] I love you. I love you. I do. I do.
Mrs. Slocombe: Isn't that beautiful? Can't you just picture the scene? There she stands by the bridegroom. They're stood in front of the altar. The organ's playing, the ceremony's coming to a climax. She turns to him and utters those immortal words that he'll remember forever.
Bridal Doll: [Cord is pulled from its back] I want to go to the potty.


"Are You Being Served?: Up Captain Peacock (#3.3)" (1975)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: So I said to him, I said, "Young man," I said, "if you don't take your hand off my knee at once, I'm getting off this bar stool and going home!"
Miss Shirley Brahms: And did he?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: He did not!
Miss Shirley Brahms: So you went home?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Eventually.


"Are You Being Served?: Roots? (#8.8)" (1981)
Miss Brahms: [walks onto the floor with Mrs. Slocombe, carrying candles because the lights are out] We spent 10p for these candles, and we still couldn't find the ladies' room.
Mr. Beverley Harman: Why don't you pop down to Pets? They've got a special offer on kitty litter.
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you going to just stand there and let me be insulted?
Captain Peacock: This seems as good a place as any.
[Mr. Spooner walks in with a handheld, non-electric lamp]
Captain Peacock: Oh, that's better.
Mr. Bert Spooner: I had to kiss three girls in Camping to get this.
Miss Brahms: But there's only two girls in Camping, and a man with a beard!
Mr. Bert Spooner: So I found out when I lit the lamp.


"Are You Being Served?: Fifty Years On (#4.5)" (1976)
[after seeing the cake that says 50 on it]
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I am only 46!


"Are You Being Served? Again!: Episode #2.4" (1993)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I wish to see the curator. I have a pussy of great antiquity and I want him to have a look at it.


"Are You Being Served?: By Appointment (#6.1)" (1978)
Young Mr. Grace: I'm sorry, Your Majesty; my elbow must've caught the button.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [as the Queen] Well, accidents will 'appen.


"Are You Being Served?: Heir Apparent (#8.5)" (1981)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you look far too young to be Mr Humphries' mother.
Mrs . Annie Humphries: Oh, I'm nearly sixty!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, I'm nearly forty!
Mrs . Annie Humphries: [unconvinced] I don't believe it.


"Are You Being Served?: The Junior (#7.1)" (1979)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I've got to get home: if my pussy isn't attended to by eight o'clock, I shall be stroking it for the rest of the evening to calm it down!


"Are You Being Served?: A Personal Problem (#8.2)" (1981)
Captain Stephen Peacock: [as Mrs. Slocombe climbs out a window onto a ledge 40 feet above the street] Whatever you do, don't look down!
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I'm more worried about people looking up!


Beane's of Boston (1979) (TV)
Mae Slocombe: I'm not selling German sex panties.
John Peacock: Sexe, misses Slocombe, is the word they use for six in German.
Shirley Brahms: What do they use for sex?
John Peacock: The same as they use here.


"Are You Being Served?: Sit Out (#8.4)" (1981)
Captain Peacock: [staff are doing crosswords] I'm on a very difficult one in The Times. Two words, 'a' and 'p': "Found in an ancient Greek bath."
Mrs. Slocombe: "Ancient Greek bath." 'A' and 'p'. It's on the tip of my tongue.
[pause]
Mrs. Slocombe: I've got it: A plughole!
Miss Brahms: [rolls eyes] Archimedes' Principle.
Captain Peacock: [surprised] I wasn't aware that you were acquainted with Ancient Greece, Miss Brahms.
Miss Brahms: I'm not. I read it on a matchbox.


"Are You Being Served?: The Night Club (#10.5)" (1985)
Miss Belfridge: [Champagne is being poured] This stuff goes straight to my head.
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, then there's plenty of room for it.


"Are You Being Served?: Take-Over (#5.5)" (1977)
[In the canteen, everyone is reading the want ads, afraid that they're all about to get fired and concerned that they can't find suitable positions elsewhere]
Miss Shirley Brahms: What we really want is one of them millionaires who's looking for a young girl Friday.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yeah. Or in Mrs. Slocombe's case, an old girl Saturday.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [Annoyed] Of course, there is one vacancy that requires to be filled: between Mr. Lucas's ears.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Never mind, Mrs. Slocombe. You can always fall back on your hobby.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Mr. Humphries, to what are you inferring?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, you can open a pet shop.
Mr. Dick Lucas: Yeah! You can have a flashing light outside, saying: "If your pussy's in the mood / Have it clipped and then shampooed."


"Are You Being Served?: The Erotic Dreams of Mrs Slocombe (#8.7)" (1981)
Mrs. Slocombe: [staggers sideways into the office, obviously very drunk] I hope you're not under the impression that I have been out there boozing, Mr. Rumbold. I simply slipped down to the corner to buy a packet of "crisops."
Mr. Rumbold: Without doubting your word, Mrs Slocombe, may I ask you to breath into this bag? And let me warn you that your whole future at Grace Brothers depends on it!
[she breaths into the breathalyzer bag, puts it on Mr Rumbold's desk, and it flies into the air]


"Are You Being Served?: Happy Returns (#6.6)" (1978)
[the staff are wearing decorative flowers for Mr. Grace's birthday]
Miss Brahms: Mine won't fall out. I've jammed the end in my knicker elastic.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well! I certainly don't intend to accommodate mine in that fashion.


"Are You Being Served?: Closed Circuit (#8.6)" (1981)
Mrs. Slocombe: [on the phone] Hello, is that Mr. Akbar? Mrs Slocombe here, your next-door neighbour. I wonder, would you do me a little favour? Would you go to my front door, bend down, look through the letter-box, and if you can see my pussy, would you drop a sardine on the mat?


"Are You Being Served?: Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person (#7.4)" (1979)
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [substituting for Mr. Rumbold, picking out sanitary goods for the executive bathroom] Yes, I suppose those will have to do.
Edna Comlozi: I'll have them put on your account.
[turns to leave, clucks, and mutters under her breath]
Edna Comlozi: Silly old bitch.